#77 The Universe pt. 2 ft. Dustin Chafin
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Grammarly. Easier said, done. Hello, folks. Welcome to the Nateland podcast. As always, I'm sitting here with Brian Bates, Aaron Weber. Need new glasses or want a fresh new style? Warby Parker has you covered. Glasses start at just $95, including anti-reflective, scratch-resistant prescription lenses that block 100% of UV rays. Every frame's designed in-house, with a huge selection of styles for every face shape and

And with Warby Parker's free home try-on program, you can order five pairs to try at home for free. Shipping is free both ways, too. Go to warbyparker.com slash covered to try five pairs of frames at home for free. warbyparker.com slash covered. Welcome, everybody, to the Nate Land podcast. Also, special guest we mentioned is an airplane pilot.

It's helicopters. It's my special all over again. Dustin Chaffee. Hey. Welcome back to the show. We were all out. Me, you, Nick, all roommates.

Now we're back on the road this weekend. So much fun. Saw your Pittsburgh. Yeah. Which is a big deal for you. Yeah, got to go to Hines Field. Park a lot of Hines Field. I think that's why they won. I blessed the stadium. Yeah, you went in there. You got up early. I did. What time did you go? It was like 8.30. Yeah, it's crazy. I just wanted to see it, you know?

There was nobody there. It was kind of cool. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you walked, right? Yes, walked kind of in it. Yeah, it was cold. The Pirate Stadium is right there. The Pirates, too. It's a beautiful walk. You walk over these yellow bridges and the river, and it's great. Yeah, Pittsburgh. We did that, and Aaron said, you want to take these scooters? And I'm like, I can't. I can't. Remember that? We were downtown, and we wanted to go to Pittsburgh. Oh, that's right. Why didn't you take a scooter? I don't know.

He had one bad experience with me when we went to D.C. and he did them, and it was wonderful. I don't like them. He likes them. We were talking about them. Aaron and I, it's like I, you know. D.C. is the best because we would go do it at night at D.C., and you just go. You go during the day, but then you go at night, and you're just like.

driving all over the city. It was awesome. And then, yeah, when you did it when you were in D.C., I mean, it was... What would you have to do? I have the video of you. Like, you stopping would just be... He'd have to hop off and run with it. That was the first time I'd ever done it. And I just... I mean, it was...

Yeah. And we were on our way to PTI taping. Yeah. And by the time I got there, I'm just drenched in sweat because I'm so nervous and stressed. Yeah. And then we go talk to Tony Gornheiser. Yeah. And watch the whole show. We're just ringing out. Yeah. Oh, it was wonderful. Yeah. I don't like them too much in LA. They just throw them everywhere. So that's what I don't like. Yeah. Because we're fifties.

Yeah, you need like a docking station. We're talking about that. They were also saying that people that were a little overweight would break them. And I was like, maybe walking is the option if you're breaking a scooter. Yeah, that's crazy. Yeah, because they had to reinforce them. Oh, wow. Yeah, one of the bird scooters or something. They had to reinforce them because people were too heavy for them.

I feel like kids are doing something to it. Like that's, they just blame it on fat people. They just blame everything on fat people. They're an easy scapegoat. Yeah, I know. They're like, because you want to go, what fat people are going to hop on this scooter? Like to be that big, to break,

A scooter? I mean, it could happen. I think it's kids like popping on the wheelies. And then when someone says, what happened, you go, that's big fat. These big fatties keep coming by and spray painting the side of buildings. What? What happened? Monk kids. Yeah. Someone knocked on my mailboxes. I'll tell you who did it. All the fat people in your neighborhood. And you're like. The street's not wide enough for these people. Yeah, streets are, these people can't, they have to drive different cars. Yeah.

These teenagers, they figured it out. And we just solved their case. Or some case. I don't know the case we solved, but we solved the case. We did. This is the first time I've ever met Dustin. I feel like a fan because so many podcasts I listen to, they reference you. I was just listening to Pete Holmes. He was talking about the Boston. He was talking about you. So I feel like a super fan of yours. Thanks, buddy. I'm kind of the mother hen of all these guys. You must have people, big name comics that credit you for...

like their success to some degree. Yeah. I think in the beginning you just need somebody to believe in you when you're not that funny. Yeah. And so I think I was kind of that guy. That guy. Yeah. When you're, you know, you're funny. You look like a lunatic back there, but it's like, what are you doing? I see something. There's something there. Give me an example of somebody that. Well, Nate, you know, had to find that. Like he, you know, I knew he had the Superman joke. That was the, that was the closer. That was the closer. Superman. Superman.

But he had to adapt to his energy working in a room like a comedy club. And I think that was the fight, was always trying to... You were going to do you. Is the audience going to come aboard? Are they going to come to you? Or are you going to have to do this animated version of yourself? Yeah, and that doesn't work. No. You got to do you. Yeah, and eventually you figured out how to do that. And so watching that was really cool. Yeah. Yeah, it was a big deal. I mean, he was... The way I got to come up in New York...

there's no better way. I don't think. And I'm actually sad that it's kind of gone like that kind of way.

The freedom that we had at Boston, in a sense, is... I mean, we got to be there. We knew our role. Yeah. We were just starting. We're handing out flyers. You're part of a show. You feel a part of something, which is nice. It's all of you together. That's a big, big deal in comedies. Because you need to... So many people are starting. You don't know anybody. You're nervous, but you think everybody else is not nervous. And you're like, well, am I the only one that's nervous? Yeah.

And so you need to like go kind of see the same people every day. And that's what we did. We'd go to Boston every day. Yeah. And we'd meet at seven o'clock and then we'd just go and like, you're just, and so you're around each other. And then seeing in the way you ran the Boston was a club. I just don't know if they've been run like that. It was like the show would start at what? Eight. Yeah.

yeah and then go till whenever two three in the morning depending who dropped in you know yeah i mean it's such a good idea for a show like you have there's a system in place at the beginning but the idea was it to let it just keep going and then so all the guys that didn't have spots and you know that's when chapelle comes by 10 11 o'clock midnight yeah uh and you're in your and there's an audience still there and you know it's like it was just the best dude well it's funny i also uh i was affiliated with a club in utah it was a clean club and it

and it was called Fat, Dumb, and Happies. And that was the funniest thing was bringing all the New York comedians to Utah and they all had to be clean. So all of us were clean for the first time. Like we'd never been clean before. And then it's like, you know, it's all these Utah kids and there's no liquor. You know, they're just drinking Mountain Dew and eating Skittles. And then like Gino, guys that are just, Visconti, you know, guys that are just normally really edgy. And then they had to kind of reel it back. And that was interesting to watch. And Pete Holmes was fantastic.

That was his first headlining thing was that through me and stuff. And, you know, he was kind of more made for it. But a lot of us, you know, it was a struggle. Yeah.

yeah figure that out yeah to be that clean yeah but it's good to try it's you know it's always good to put yourself in a well this has been good working with you it's like i know that i have to kind of go in that realm and it's it makes you a better comic because you're just you know you're more broad two different things yeah yeah yeah and i think and it shows you can be you know i mean what some people don't want to do it and they don't have to do it yeah but it's it's never a bad thing to kind of get put out of your element

Yeah, that's the challenge of stand-up. That's why we do this. That's why we put up with all the stuff we put up with because of the challenge. If it was easy, it'd be boring. It'd be boring. Yeah. It's easy for some people.

I don't know if it's easy. Yeah, I don't know if it's easy, but I mean, people just get stuff, I guess. And some people, it just takes a long time. You gotta just go. You never last, though, those people. I think it's better. I think anything is gonna be better if you have to really earn it. Yeah. And you have to be around for a long time. People get it quick. They always, you know, they go away quick. Yeah. Yeah. Or they bail on stand-up. Yeah. Or they bail on whatever they...

Because it's just too hard. Well, yeah, that's the thing. A lot of people. They have no life experience. Yeah. Well, a lot of people use standup, like a lot of actors use it to get more acting stuff as opposed to becoming a better comic. Yeah. Cause you see that this kind of the trend now where a lot of actors are doing standup because maybe the acting rules dried up or something. And that, that kind of drives me crazy, but yeah, they just pop over. Yeah. And then they headline clubs and they've been doing it a year and a half and you're just like, what? Yeah. You know, and they can't even handle that work. But that is true that people won't go see them again. Like,

Yeah, they know. There's certain celebrities where they're like... And then they're like, all right. They're like, what happened? There's no act. Yeah. I'm not seeing a show. I'm seeing like a... I'm taking questions or something. Mm-hmm.

And you ask questions and you're like, what was that like? Well, that's what's changed a little bit because I think people are more into stand-up now as kind of an art form as before because I feel like they take it, you know, they know the comics. They know who's funny and who's more of a craftsman than before. Yes. You know, instead of just this person's famous, you know. Yeah.

Yeah, I think stand-up's getting... People are diving into it more than they ever have. Yeah, it's like the new jazz. People are like, oh, that's cool. They know who the stars are in stand-up as opposed to in action. Yeah, it's great. I think stand-up's got the biggest light shown on it right now than it ever has. Yeah, absolutely. You know, Netflix was like a...

Netflix kind of, you know, HBO was the one that gave that pop early and now Netflix I think is the one that's doing it now and then it'll be something else that just keeps multiplying and now it'll be where people can just go do specials on anything they want to go do them on because the audience will find. And that's what's happening. That's what's happening. It's cool. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, Mark Norman told me, he's like, if you don't like it,

because you don't feel like you're getting your chances, put a special out on YouTube. Anybody can do that. Yeah, Norman did that. It did great. Podcasts, whatever. Podcasts have been huge things for comedians. Yeah. Because this is what we do, is talk and be funny. And so it's like, I think it's been a...

it's been a huge help for me. I'll be interested to see what happens in 30 years, where the comics have been. Because there's people that are starting out just doing podcasts. I know where I'll be. I know where you'll be too. His baby will be 15. Your baby will be 30. Yeah. Yeah.

Your baby will be my age. Oh, Aaron's age, yeah. I mean, you'll still be here. You'll just be... I'll be 80. You'll be hanging out. She'll be coming to visit you. Yeah. At the place, at the home. I won't know who she is. I think you're going to be at that home quick. And I think when you get there, you're just going to start volunteering there.

And then eventually you're going to be like, you mind if I just crash here tonight? And then slowly you just next thing you know, Ruth's like, hey, why don't you come home? And then you're like, I think you should come to my place. I got a pretty awesome place. They make the meals for us. And then Ruth's like, well, I don't think I'm ready for it yet. And he's like, that's

You got a ESPN and a ESPN2. Just that regular cable. Yeah. I love it. You love it. Every scene watching all the commercials. Yeah. A bunch of pool commercials. They, yeah, but in 30 years, like, because people are not,

You know, I just very curious because people are getting to start podcasts now. So like sometimes your act will get long instead of being tight. New York taught you how to be tight. Yes. That is something that you need to learn. Yes. Because you need to learn how to like keep it like, you know, just be funny, man, and just keep it tight. Yeah. And then the farther you get, you can make it longer. But-

If that goes away, that can hurt stand-up. Because it can get too long. Yeah, that's... I mean, a lot of people complain about clubs being hard to get into and all that. That, I think now, some clubs, is a little easier to get into. Oh, yeah. And that's what hurts stand-up. Like, you're supposed to be frustrated with a club and then eventually pass. Because then you've done all that work to get past. Yeah. And I feel like that's what's changed a little bit. If you're a stand-up, I think just...

Be honest with yourself. And you've got to, when you first start, you know what, like, as we always say, murdering or crushing or,

You know what that sounds like. And so hold every joke up to that standard and just go do that. If you do that, you will stand out because so many people are going to take easy roads to be like, all right, I'm interesting enough. I'll just talk about something interesting. And then they don't have to really be funny. And if you just always go and just be like, I am going to be funny, I think as you're moving forward, I think there's a great chance you will stand out above everybody else. Yeah.

And it might take longer if people figure it out. But once they figure it out, it's... And it's all about your fan base too. I think that's what's happening now. And that'll probably continue in the future, I think. Think about the audience. When you write a joke, think about the audience. How do I make them relate to it? Stuff's not becoming relatable to you.

Yeah. And that's happened with shows and everything too. Stuff is not as relatable as it used to be. It's like, you want to be relatable. You want someone to go, they want to be like, it's almost weirdly an audience wants to be relatable now more than ever because you know, all the movies are superhero movies. Nothing's relatable.

So that's why like some weird indie, not weird, but like an indie thing could do good. Cause it's like, well, finally I'm just watching something that's like, that makes, it feels like that happened on earth. Yeah. It's not a superhero. Yeah. It's just somebody who has a mom and a dad and a thing. It's normal. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's it. All right, everybody. Thanks for listening. You think you'll do comedy in your eighties? Yeah.

I think so. I mean, I have no idea what will, I think I'll do it for the rest of my life. I don't think I would never, you know, I can imagine there's going to be a point where, uh, you know, I mean, it's getting very busy and crazy now. And so I could see where maybe there's a, not anytime soon, uh,

But I would reassess after 50. I'm going to see where I'm at. Yeah. I loved watching Rickles in his 80s. Yes. And it was just like, you could see that he still loved it. Yeah. He was just like playing with the crowd and running around on stage and his energy. You could tell that's when he felt most alive was up there. And Steve Martin's in his 70s now and he's still doing great. Yeah. Is he doing stand-up though or just playing the banjo? Well, they do. I think it's,

probably a mix. He does a banjo and then him and Mark go out. That shows, their show's really funny. Yeah. Yeah. They have like a new show. Yeah. Yeah. So they're, they're just, yeah, it's like them having fun. I would do stand up. I said like, I always thought in my head, I was like 40 to 50 will be my sprint.

And like, just, you know, and then it's like, and then after that, you still will, I would still be working, still want to work hard. But it's like, then you see where I'm at at 50. And then you go, all right, now what am I trying to do?

Yeah. I mean, George Carlin's stride was in his sixties. That's his best work. It was like late sixties. So you never know. I like that where it's like, you know, maybe I like, I look at now probably this, this run to 50 might be the hardest I'll ever tour. And then I'll, after that, you kind of go like, all right, I can't go everywhere. Like a residency or something. Yeah. You like your residency or you just go to kind of the big cities and, you know, or like some, you try to get as many as you can get, but you're like, I can't do everything.

you know, it just becomes so hard.

But yeah, I think I'll do stand-up. I mean, the rest of my life. That's all we know. That's all I know. That's what got me as far as I got anywhere. So I would never turn my... You don't turn away on it. Yeah. I love like Leno does at Seinfeld. Like I always liked that they just kept doing it. And it's about the jokes. And there's no more... The more you get into this business too, creating a TV show or a movie or even an animated thing, like this stuff takes...

And so the satisfaction to write a joke, I could come up with a joke and within 30, I could come up with it. When you come up with it on stage, you at them in the moment get to see if this joke is funny or not. And you get the most honest reaction because it's people. It's us, an audience. And so like that's nothing.

Nothing can top that. Yeah, I love seeing people that are very successful and they don't have to do it anymore. Like Leno. He was in Burbank and I was on a show and he just comes in and he still has that 20-year-old mind of just wanting to work out a new bit and wanting to see if it works this way or that way and like cooled all the comics and like, you know, he's just a comic. At the end of the day, he's just a stand-up.

Yeah. Even though he's done all these big things. He wants to hang out. Yeah. He just wants to be a comic. He wants to hang out. And he's like, Hey, good set. Fist pump, you know, just a regular dude. And then he's, you know, and he gets up and he's got a funny stuff is really funny. It's structured very old school, which I love just kind of set up punch and all that. It was great. Yeah. I mean, he was the killer back then. I mean, he's so cool. He destroyed everywhere. And like, that's, yeah, that, that stuff is, that stuff's the best. And that's, you know, I just love seeing that. Stand up is what you do. Uh, let's read some of these comments. Uh,

So, first one, Luke Guardo. Guajardo. Guajardo, I would think. Guajardo. G-U-A... No. Yeah. Yeah. Guajardo. G-U-A-J-A-R-D-O.

My wife got bored driving home one day and knows I'm a big fan, so she turned on the first episode, listened to it all, and asked if I got better. If it got better. If it got better. Same thing. I told her it didn't, and if anything, it probably gets worse. She asked why I listen. I said, because there is nothing better than to listen to a guy with dick sucks. Dick sucks. Yeah.

dyslexia yeah read and trash an old man while another guy with his with gout and a college degree sits and laughs so hard there's no sound coming out of his mouth y'all are so great and i love listening to y'all i like it yeah this is not you know you can't just throw this podcast on someone you can't it's a quiet taste yeah it's it's like you gotta go like now you get it you get it eventually like it's cut

Get a list of the early stuff. Get a list of the early stuff. You got to ease into it. What is this? You're like, eh, eh. Eventually. John Carson. Hello, folks. Elections are happening here in Honduras. And one of the fringe political parties called Vamos, right? I almost said Bamos. Vamos were hanging out of the corner with their signs the other day.

Since vamos means let's go in Spanish, I rolled down my window and yelled, vamos gente. Gente? Gente. Gente? People. Vamos gente, which is just let's go folks in Spanish. I was met with loud cheers from all. I can't say if they're fans of the podcast, but they are fans of let's go folks. That's awesome. Honduras. That's really cool. You should get Spanish shirts. Roblox. Yeah. John Carson.

That seemed like a... I was going to say. He's Honduran. He's got born and raised. He's got born and raised here. The only name you've ever been able to pronounce in Honduras, the guy right before him was Luke Guajardo. Yeah, Luke Guajardo. Did you mix those names up, dude? I'm starting to think maybe I did. His name's John Carson from Honduras. Okay. Lauren Marksbury. The day after our daughter Ella was born in March, we started binging Nate Land.

We listen to it so often that your voices become recognizable to her as a newborn became recognizable. We're pretty sure she thinks she was, she has three weird uncles who live in the television.

She still to this day scoots her body around to watch the TV when she hears Nate Land come on. She's seven months old now, and I've been reading a children's Bible to her. There's a passage where Jesus is calling the disciples to follow him, and normally it is translated as, come follow me. This particular kid's Bible says, Jesus called out to them and said, let's go. So my question is, is it a legit version of let's go when Jesus says it? Welcome Ella. Yeah.

Is it? He's the first let's go? Yeah, I'd have to hear his tone of voice. Let's go! What if he said, let's go! I'd be like, let's go, baby!

If he flinched while he did it? Yeah, just do that. Flex. Let's go. Dude, when people are doing it, you're watching them, they don't even know. They're robots. And they just, let's go. That's what you would be. This era would be just, you could buy toys that are robots that just walk into a wall going, let's go. Let's go. And it just keeps hitting the wall over and over again. You're like, they don't even know what's happening. They're not even in any sort of reality. Yeah.

You're just like, you don't go to the store, Lapska. Like, and they just, they're like coming back from war and they just, yeah, no, no, no. We're just doing a normal activity, man. Just take it down. Like, it's like, we're not, this isn't, you know, we're not running through a tunnel. Yeah.

Kevin Aldridge, when planning a big tour, how do you get into the different venues? Do you call a theater and say, hey, hello, I'm Nate. I'm doing a tour. Will you pay me to talk to people from a stage? That's how I would like to do it. I know you said you get past at clubs, but on tour, I feel like that would be different. Also, how do you choose where to go or do they approach you?

yeah cincinnati came up to me and they said we're looking at you i go i think i'd be great here sunny gray recommend you yeah uh it's basically that so really anybody can rent a theater out sure i mean you could just go sit alone in a theater if you had millions of dollars it doesn't cost that much but you know some might cost i don't even know 20 grand or something a night or maybe it's maybe some would be five grand but the big ones are probably more uh

but you could go rent it out and sit alone. So you just, you have agents. The clubs are like that. And then now where I'm at, you have agents and I'm basically saying I have an audience of

And so I'm, you go try to go to these different theaters and you go to these different markets. And when you first start, you kind of see where your markets are. So you go maybe, and I mean, you're still doing it now where you're like, all right, you do really good here. Maybe it's one show here, but I'm doing, you know, I did three shows in Nashville. We're doing two Chicago theaters. So that you're seeing like, all right, these markets are kind of good for me. They're like really good for me. Uh,

Texas is good. I'll go to Canada. We are going to Canada this year. I don't think it's announced yet. But I will announce. I don't think it's announced now. But I will be coming to Canada later. So you go to these different places and hopefully start going overseas a little bit and you start seeing it. When I go overseas, which we're hoping to next year,

if it works out. But some of those, I'll probably go to smaller places because I haven't been there. So it's like, all right, let's go and see, are people coming? Are they not coming? And then you can just grow. And then when you have an audience, you just call the place and

They do it. There's all deals and stuff. I'm not getting the whole weeds about it, but I don't know even much about all of them. But your agents know, the promoters know, so there's a lot of people and they call and they set up your tour. And we get routed by a bus routing.

So like we look at like every gig, every show, like this weekend was just Pittsburgh and Cleveland, but those are two and a half hours away. So we drove the bus to Pittsburgh, did a show next day, had an easy drive, drove to Cleveland. And then we drove home and woke up here. But other times you're going like have, you know, city will be an hour to five hours, six hours. And you just kind of get on the bus and go. I think that's how, is that enough? Yeah. Too much. You haven't already turned it off. Yeah.

It's like, all right, dude. Christina Marshall. I wonder if it was a good idea to share with the podcast fans how inexpensive it could be to have Ajax or Breakfast do a half-hour show. I'm about to have a show in my living room. Yeah, so that was – I didn't mean that to be – I don't think I was really talking about y'all when I said that. I was talking about booking –

Like when you first start, like, I don't know, like when you're not where you're at now, because you're actually you're higher up. But when you first start, we're talking about like if you get like when we first started in the first five years, six years, you're getting like if you got 300 bucks for a gig, you'd be crazy. Sure. Yeah. That was like five, six years. Yeah. It just came up on my Facebook timeline feed yesterday, 10 years ago. We did a living room gig. You you gave it to me. It was your friends in Franklin.

And me and John Thornton Jr. went down there and did it, and they paid me $300. There you go. For a Christmas party in the living room. Yeah, 10 years ago. So, yeah, Brian's been making money for a while. So... Yeah. So that's...

That's, yeah. So that's what, so that was, that's what I meant. I didn't mean it like now. I think y'all make more now. And I want, you can, people want to book you. They should reach out to you. Have you ever done weddings? I've done like weddings where I didn't know the people and they didn't know me. And I was like, and I guess I was cheaper than a DJ. Yeah. And they would. How'd it go? It's weird. That's the man. I hear every comic answer. How was it? Ha.

Because, I mean. I got paid. Yeah, $300. But they were into it, you know, as much as they could be. But it's like such a weird thing because you don't know anybody. So you can't really roast. You can't really play. Like it was just weird that they had comedy. It was two of us, me and Pete Dominick. Yeah. And we were just doing this thing and it was in New York. How much time did you have to do? I think we did like 20 each. It wasn't bad. An hour would have been crazy. Sounds brutal. But it was brutal. Yeah. But they were fun.

But you just can't do your act. You just can't be like- Anybody celebrating anything? Yeah. It's the biggest day of your life. And it's like, oh, I got a dog. You know what I mean? You can't- They don't realize that comedy's not good for that. Yeah. It's just not. You get a band. You get a DJ. Play the radio. Play anything. Anything but a comic. Yeah. But we need the money. So we're like, well, I'll do it. Yeah. You almost get a comic to be a DJ. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, comedy in between the songs. That would work. Well, but to have the comic be the DJ. Oh, be the DJ. Oh, like, hey. Well, then you tell the comic, look, if you don't want to be... If you don't want to make jokes and just keep playing songs, and then you could...

Yeah, crack a few. And once you feel a little comfortable, you're like, ah, look at Susie over here. I don't know her name. But anyway, this next song. What was up with that speech, John? Whoa. A little too many of the old martinis? Yeah, that would be great.

Just a commentator? Yeah. That would almost be a great, like just film someone's wedding and then have comics watch your wedding video. I think that's your next show. Yeah, that's the next show. And just commentate on your wedding video. Oh, let's do that. That would be fun. I went in on that. Yeah. I don't know if I have time. Don't send them in because I don't know how much time I have to do it. But if I have the time, that would be pretty fun to go just comment on their wedding. Like, what's that? I mean, you got to be like, you got to be comfortable. We're going to say whatever we want to say. Uh-huh.

I don't know anybody. I don't know who's who. You know, I'm already acting like this is a book. I know, I know. It's going to be though. Oh gosh. You know it is. The one episode I missed was when you were on with Nick and on that episode, I think that's when he said, hey, I'd love to play golf with you guys. So just hit me up. And I'm like, oh,

No, I'm not there to shut this down. Yeah. That I have to fill out all these emails, you know. I know the golf thing I do want to play with. I do, honestly, I really do. When you hit 50, that could be something. When I hit 50, hit me back up. No, if I can make it work, I can't. I haven't been playing. So it's just understand that. If I truly would play with you, I'm not going to play with anybody.

I'm trying to think of the last time I played. I think I'm playing this week in Vegas. That place was cool we went to, the Simulator Bar? Yeah. Or like a restaurant? In Cleveland, there's a place called, or no, Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh, yeah. A place called Five Iron, and it's all simulators. Like the whole place. So you have to go down there, yeah. And so, yeah, I'm hopefully going to, I'm getting a place, like in Vegas, I'm going to go play this week because we have our, I guess you're listening to this, it was last week, because I have one show, then I'm off.

But on the road, man, I just haven't. You just can't. And now it's getting cold too, but it's just, I can't get out. It's too much. I'm not there. But we're doing all your wedding videos. So email them to brianbates.com at gmail wedding backslash wedding videos 100%

1-800-BB-BATES. We still got people emailing us telling us what they gave up. Because of your motivation about giving up sugar, which lasted three days. Well, now I'm on the carnivore diet. But then I ate real bad this weekend and today. Start eating now. Start eating now. Yeah. I'm going to lose weight. It's coming down. You lost a lot. Yeah, I lost a lot.

Zach Deaton. Deaton. D-E-A-T-O-N. I like that last name. It's a cool last name. Zach Deaton. Seems like, you know, like he did really good in school.

I mean, he was like the cool kid. I don't think he's got a job now. Oh, you mean he did good socially? Just socially in school. He did great. I don't think he's doing much now, but everybody still likes him. Everybody's like, the Deet. What's up, man? Oh, what's up, dude? How have you been? The Deets. The Deetster. What have you been up to, dude? Not much. Just hanging out around here, man. Living it up. All right. I rap. And while doing ministry with the local church in Memphis.

Hmm.

Wow.

I assumed this was someone helping with the event that had to make an announcement or something. So I handed him the microphone. He then started yelling out incoherent propaganda against the church. Oh, wow. The pastor then ran up to the stage and got the microphone back and told me I couldn't give it to anyone else. Needless to say, this was not my big break. Zach Deaton.

Wow. Go check him out. That's great. That's such a good story. That sounds like a comic gig, man. It does. That is just, that's an awesome story. First of all, never give the microphone to anybody. You learn that. Yeah, you learn that. Because you had this happen to you. Yeah. And you don't learn it until this happens to you. Yeah, you don't. You're like, uh.

Oh, yeah. Never. That's so funny. Yeah, man. Go ahead. Go ahead. You know, and it's going so bad that he's just rapping and like, and then no one's listening. And he's like, you mind if I say outdoor at a park? Golly, that's so great.

Mark Ivey. I'm blind, and I started doing stand-up earlier this year. At my third mic, I bombed hard. I left the stage and couldn't find my seat. I was like a human pinball, tapping my cane, making sounds as my cane hit all the chairs. The host kept getting interrupted and was finally like, will someone just help him? So y'all think bombing is bad. Try bombing and not being able to find your way out. Oh, wow.

Mark, I think you got your new opener probably closer. Yeah. Yeah, that's it. I think that's a great closer because then you got to go, I got to get back to my seat. And you could act it out, bang stuff on the stage. Oh, yeah. That's so funny. That's so funny, dude. Yeah. And now it just bombs so hard. Oh, when you bomb, it's just...

Have your life flashes before you. You're like, what? I mean, just talking in front of an audience and people are just... But the exit is big. I mean, that's like the hardest part. When you bomb, I think... We talked about it with Big Jay did the thing where he took his shirt off and then you got to put your shirt back on with silence. Oh, yeah. Things where you're just like a big to-do and then it doesn't work. Yeah. And then you're just like... I did a show this weekend at a church. Okay. And I was bombing...

And they take a break in the middle of your act, a 20-minute break for dessert. Wait, where is this? A church I did. Hold on, let me get prepared for this. Okay. Did a church gig. Yeah. And that was bombing so bad. And I finally started getting some momentum. Finally got to get going, get used to me. It's time to stop. The pastor stops. 20-minute dessert break. Yeah.

And then I had to get back up there cold again and just bomb the rest of the way. Wow. So he stopped you mid-sentence? Well, not mid-sentence. Did you know you were being stopped? Yeah. I mean, we were supposed to stop halfway. It was that time. But I just got some momentum going. And then dessert break. And then you had to go back up a few more times. 20 minutes and then go back up. Did you go get in line with him? Yeah.

I did actually. Yeah. I was sitting at the pastor's table. Dude, that's so funny. Like you just go, yeah.

Oh, man. I think I've had something like that happen. Because that is such a funny... It's funny to be performing, and then you go back to the normal thing. And then you're like, but they just saw me when I was on stage performing. There's supposed to be some mystique to it. And now you're just grabbing a plate, and you're getting the potatoes like everybody else. You're just basically like, I'm everybody else. And you're just going to get dessert, and you're picking and going, oh, does this have...

That's where you don't ask any questions. You just take whatever they give you. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, just like in New York, people think we're like rock stars and then you see that person on the subway, you know? Yeah. It's like riding the same subway home. Yeah, you're like... They're like, you're famous. I just paid $10 or $15 to see you and you go, yeah. Yeah, I think intermission is always a bad idea with comedy. Of course. I went to Sweden and I was performing and that's how they do it there. They'll have...

like four comics go up, they'll have an intermission. Somebody can go get their drinks and then they'll have the headliner come up.

and I had a headache and I asked somebody from the festival, I was like, Hey, you got an aspirin or something? And she gave me something that was like coding and I couldn't even speak when I went back up. So I was just like, you know, my mouth was numb. I was like drooling. I was like, because I'm sober. So it's like anything that's just a little bit is going to knock me out. Yeah. So it was like the worst. I don't remember half of it because it was just like so jacked up on some Swedish aspirin. So now you get those flown in for you. Uh,

Now I can't perform without him. This is how it all starts. You guys want some? I got it. We don't do, I get asked a lot if we do an intermission or people, I wonder if they think, but I don't, I just, you know, I have two to three comics. I like bringing y'all on the road this week. And we had three, but it's like everybody, it's going to be probably 30 minutes before me. And it's all, usually it's everybody that you've seen on this podcast. That's yeah.

That's going to be opening. And it's fun to go out with us and we all hang out. I think, yeah, the audience likes it. It's a bunch of buddies just hanging out. But they, I don't ever do an intermission. I know people have to go to the bathroom and stuff, but it's, you know, it shows like an hour and a half, hour 40. It always starts like 10 minutes late, usually. So, yeah. All right.

It's like a movie. It's like a movie. Yeah. It's a movie. Go see it. Let me read two of these. I'll read the other two in a second. Let's get back into it. Mark Hanson. So tonight I'm having dinner at my favorite burger joint in Holiday, Utah. Joint in Holiday, Utah. Tony's Burger. I just happened to glance up at a sign next to the register. Never really noticed it. I laughed and all I could think was I wonder if they sell penguin burgers or something.

What do we got? Nate Bargatze. Boom. People eat free at Tony's Burgers. So, yeah, it's a list of celebrities who apparently just get to eat free at this restaurant, and it's a pretty crazy company you're in right here, Nate. Yeah. Simone Biles. Yeah, right above Keanu Reeves. Valen. Yeah. Idris Elba. Eddie Murphy. Eddie Murphy. Pete Davidson. Any Utah jazz players. Timothee Chalamet.

Oh, yeah. Wow. We're doing good. Emily Blunt. Did you know about this? So I went in there one day and paid for my burger standing next to my name that said I eat free. Really? Yeah. Me and Rich Day went in there. I actually met Tony.

the guy afterwards. It was very funny. Like he was, they were like, you're never going to pay again. I didn't, I know there's no way they would have known that it was me. Uh, and I didn't say anything like, you know, it was like, we just paid for it. I just wanted to go see it. Uh, but it was very funny. And I do like my first experience being like, I had to pay for, I had to pay for me and rich. I lost a ton of money going in Tony's burden. Uh, I'll be back when I go back to Utah, we'll go to Tony burgers and we will eat

And I will then make a big deal about it. I wear a shirt. I'm going to have my, I'm going to just walk in with my driver's license. Just a big picture of it. But no, they were, they're awesome, dude. And they were, everybody that worked there was awesome. And, and I actually randomly met him. He was at the jazz game when we got to go. Okay. And so he was like, he was just a fan of yours before this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then, so, and there, and here we are. I get to eat free food. Tony's burgers. Are there multiple locations? Where's Holiday, Utah, a suburb of Salt Lake?

I don't know. I mean, I, you know, I'm not from there. I know, but the one that you went to, was it in County? Was it, was it in Salt Lake? Yeah, but it might've been holiday. I don't, you know, it's like going, someone's like drove here and they're like, am I still in Nashville? And you're like, I don't know. I just wonder if it was a chain or. Yeah. Not. Yeah. I didn't look into it that much. Uh,

I went to that one. But maybe there is a chain. Yeah. Probably. Free burgers. Free burgers across the country. I get them everywhere. I try to do the same thing at McDonald's. I do it anywhere I go. I go, well, not as good as Tony's Burgers. That's what I say. I love Tony's Burgers.

Jennifer Forrest, you can truly have a Nate Land in Tennessee for $725,000. They have a town for sale about an hour from Nashville. What would be the first law passed in the new Nate Land? Well, I want to go look at this town. There it is. Here's the town right here. Oh, my gosh.

It's in Murray County. Wow, how far is that? An hour? Yeah. Well, not from here, not even that. Oh, it's just that little area? Yes. You could do something with that, though. It's the city right here. It's going to be where the theme park is. Yeah. A little golf thing, a little putt-putt. Yeah. This article said that a bunch of, you know, Hollywood keeps calling and they want to buy it to make it a movie set, but they don't want to sell it to them because they don't want the history of the area to be destroyed. Oh, wow. So they want somebody authentic.

To buy it. They're asking me to buy it. Pretty much. It's seven acres. It sounds like, you know, if you're like, I bought a town and then you're like, well, that guy next to you can just. It's a small town. What if he comes and attacks my town? It's a small town for sure. I think there's a guy in the middle. What's that middle spot that I'm losing? This guy right here. No, over there to the right.

Oh. He didn't want to sell. I mean, I'm going to have to go in and fight that guy first to take over him. He's immediately first. I got to attack him so I get his land. That's the first law? That's the first law. First law would be declare war on the other city. First law, we would declare war to that guy right in the middle. Evacuate him. And then I would be radioing over to my other land.

in my other town and i would be talking to them about they gotta we're gonna flank them from the back and they gotta go right to the front or i'll let them give them the opportunity to join the land i said will you join our town and if they say no i say okay because you'll be seeing us again and they go what does that mean and then i i go stand 10 feet from them and come up with a plan

I would definitely try to get that land, that guy out, and I would try to get those two joined. Yeah. So how do I do that? So it's at least like a whole block. Yeah, it's got to be one whole section. Yeah, it's got to be a section. We have two sections. Or I'd build an interstate to the other part. Or a little tram, maybe a little tram. A little public transportation. Yeah. Well, I would do that. We have public transportation. A little scooter ramp or something. Horse and buggy. Yeah.

Comes with it. We get part of the creek. A couple houses. Houses need to be flipped. Yeah. I mean, you're... It's a bit of a fixer-upper town. I mean, can you imagine if that's where you're...

That's for the mayoral age. That's City Hall, right? Yeah. You take two steps down and you're in the middle of the road. Look, that's a road. Yeah. That's not a driveway. That's the main road. People are going 60 down that road. And your baby's out there playing on the porch. Don't fall out.

Did a little research. There's six, almost seven Tony Burger locations. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they're doing good. All in Utah? All in Utah. Tony was sitting pretty close to the floor, so it seems like he was doing all right. Thank you, Jennifer Forrest. We could have our own Nate Land. I would do a Nate Land. We have Nate Land Festival. We should do that. Oh, there you go. Nate Land Festival. Now you're talking. Buy this out. Buy this out and do a Nate Land Festival. Yeah.

Actually, we just have $725,000. Great. Like, hold on. I got my... Call it the greatest average American festival. Yeah. You did good on merch this weekend. Yeah. Yeah. I got it. Yeah. The green room is the other part of the town. Yeah. Jacob...

D. Leon. No? D. Leon. D. Leon. D. Leon. There you go. I was recently at a charity dinner and were given name tags. I noticed the last name of the gentleman a few seats down from me was Poinsett. Thanks to your Christmas episode, I was able to ask him if he was by chance related to Joel Roberts Poinsett.

The namesake of the poinsettia. He was actually a direct descendant. How crazy is that? He was amazed at how much I knew about his ancestor. When he asked me how I knew about it, I panicked and said I heard it on an educational podcast called Nate Land. He said he would have to check it out. Hopefully I was able to recruit a new folk. I think you might have made him rethink his old history. That's so crazy. Yeah, how about that? We are an educational podcast. I'm glad I didn't remember that at all.

I remember that because I pay attention to this podcast. He went like to Mexico and brought them back or something and just named them Quintetas. I remember that. I don't believe you do. John from Lake Geneva, Wisconsin. All right. That's my mom's name. You know what? I know who he is. That John. Okay. He has to put a name with a face.

My wife and I run a small bike rental and ice cream business. Now that we are closed for the season, my wife brought home all of the snacks to pass out for Halloween. I think this is a different job. I noticed the first couple of kids wouldn't take the candy, and I went over to see what was wrong. My wife left all the prices on the candy, so the kids thought we were charging them, and they owed us money. I ripped off the price tag, but realized maybe I should start charging next time.

uh yeah yeah so they're like why is no one buying no one's taking our free candy oh because we're charging them uh well i've brought home all the snacks to pass over halloween from their business from their business pretty savvy kids though i can't get over it he put the city in his name john as opposed to he wants a name with a face uh

So they have like a Snickers bar and it has like a little thing on it. A sticker on it. Like a little small shop. Yeah. And then Halloween. They put it out and all the kids are like, we have to pay for this? Yeah. Can you imagine that? You got to go, I got a quarter to go there. You're the opposite of, that'd be a great story. That's what you should do. I do like that. You'd be memorable. Like we talked about like big candy. People remember that for the rest of their life.

And people would remember if you're like, yeah, there's one family, this family, John. He goes, John? Yeah, I'm from Lake Geneva. Oh, yeah. Wisconsin? Yeah, yeah. Lake Geneva, Wisconsin. So he goes, and then he says, they used to charge us for, they charge us. He goes, that's so John. And that's the house you toilet paper every year. Yeah. The one that run the bike and ice cream business? Yeah. Yeah.

He goes, still doesn't ring a bell. That would be if you don't get it by. Yeah. You know, John from Lake Geneva. I don't, you know, him and his wife, they run a small bike rental. I don't know. They also have that ice cream business. Kind of. Kind of. Remember they charged everybody for the Halloween snacks. Yes. All right. I know what you're talking about. That's how, that's how long it would take.

Andrew Hayward. We had a memorial service for my grandmother this past weekend. Sorry about that. At the start of the service, the pastor came up to do an introduction and started off by somberly saying, hello, folks. Suddenly my cousin yells from the back of the room, let's go, folks. The room was dead silent, and then I barely overheard his wife saying, I can't believe you just did that. I don't think anyone else got it, and the pastor was bamboozled. But I got a short break from the sadness and almost laughed out loud.

That's great. Well, that's what you're here for. That's great. Yeah. Chris Good. My grandpa's name was Eugene. When my dad was born, my grandma was asked by the nurse what she wanted to call the baby. My grandmother looked at my grandfather and said, call it Eugene. No, call it Eugene. Call it Eugene. When they received the birth certificate, it said, call it Eugene. C-O-L-L-E. Collette. Collette.

C-O-L-L-E-T-T-E, Eugene. Yeah. My grandparents thought it was a funny story and left it. My dad has lived for 65 years with the name Colette Eugene. It's a funny reminder that our older folks like Beefcake Bates had some fun humor back in the good old days. That's wonderful, man. I mean, that's probably annoying for Eugene at points, and then it comes around. Like, it's got to be... Colette. Colette. You always got a story. You always got a story. My name's Colette. And then you're like, yeah, I mean, it's a great story, though.

though. It's one of those that I could see you being like, it's a little annoying, but then now...

He's 65 and it's like he probably loves it. Yeah. You're going to love it. This guy's grandparents were like comics. They saw a funny thing. It's like, let's go with it. They go, I love it. I'll leave it. That works. It's worth it for the story. Exactly. When he's 65, he'll appreciate it. When he's 65, he'll get it. He loves it. All right. All right. So this one, so we just, I mean, if you listen to this, we just recorded, we had Nick on last week.

And, but they're, they're both here today. Cause Nick and Dustin are flying back to LA today. And so we had Dustin and we did, we talked about the universe some and we're going to do another one. But then it was like the universe. I feel like let's, we should dive back in. We kind of brushed over.

Yeah, we only scratched the surface last time. It's pretty big. It's so big. I don't even know how much we can. It's so big that there's almost not much to talk about because you just go, it's so big. It's like the Grand Canyon. Yeah. It's so big you don't even care. You don't even go, all right, whatever. Can't see at all. It's too hard. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's hard to write. Yeah. I mean, that blue, pale...

thing the pale blue dot pale blue dot yeah the key of that whole movie yeah yeah the key point to the whole movie what blue and the red you're talking about the matrix oh no no no yeah i don't know okay so the there's that picture where it's a blue dot oh sorry zoomed out okay so it's like to wrap your head around that is like i mean i don't know it's like what are you supposed to do what are you supposed to do with that information what do people do once you get told that what do you do it

I find it comforting because of all the struggles, the problems of the world, for whatever reason, to me, to realize we're so small and so insignificant, it makes me peaceful. That's what skydiving did for me. When I did it for the very first time, it made me see how small everything was. I mean, it was just so amazing to just float down over the earth like that. But what if there's nothing out there and it's just this small dot, so we got a lot of weight on our shoulders? Yeah.

It could be the opposite, and we're actually the most important, and you should get it together. So it could go two ways. It could. You're blowing it. You're the only possible human in this enormous galaxy, and it's been wasted on going, I'm thinking about the nothingness. Zero pressure.

That's just another way to look at it. Yeah, we talked about that quote last week from Carl Sagan. It was much better said than how we did it, but it made me realize this planet's been here forever. It's going to go on long after we're gone. Some of the stuff that we get so upset about, it's not going to matter next week. It seems so silly when you look at the Earth as a dot like that. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's a lot, but we wouldn't even get to the you are here.

You know how far away that is? I mean, that's... You have to climb that rope. Yeah. Jump on that point. Yeah, you have to get to that arrow, which is... That's far. Things are so far, so far away. So if you had to guess between the Earth and the Moon, the Moon feels pretty close, right? Yeah, too close. How many planets do you think you could fit between the Earth and the Moon? Nine. Nine.

17. 25. Y'all are going way high. You could fit all of them. I thought it was amazing that you could fit all the other planets between the Earth and the moon, and you still have 1,600 miles left over. Yeah, I think you went to college. I don't know. Y'all really talked about planets and stuff. Yeah.

Well, I never talked about them. Did you go to college? Right? Art school, which doesn't really count. We're not talking about planets. We're just finger painting. Just to go. You just need a degree to make mom happy. That was it. So I could do stand-up. Yeah, I don't think I... I don't know how much planet talk I remember. Pluto. Pluto talk. But...

I don't think I thought about like, could you put them all in between? So like that's, I would almost think I would be like, oh, I guess it's, that seems shorter to me than bigger. Wow. Really? Yeah. So you're surprised it's that few? I thought you were going to say 20,000 or something. 20,000? Like Jupiters? Well, I mean, I'm also looking at a tiny dot. Oh, that's true. You're like, I don't know. Your frame of reference is off right now. How big are we compared to like...

Is Jupiter the biggest? In our solar system. And then Venus is... Jupiter is bigger than all the other planets combined. Yeah. Jupiter is. Oh. I just, I don't know. I just love how like the universe is just summed up and kind of to a map mall. Yeah. You are here and the gap is on the second floor. Yeah. Food court. I mean, when that... So who... What's his name that said this? Oh, no, he's... Carl Sagan. Yeah. So I'm not trying to act like...

I don't like when someone's like, I can do it, but not trying. This guy's smarter than me, obviously. But like, yeah, when he says that, you know, it's like, you're still like, all right, Carl, but you know, it's raining out today. So just bring your umbrella. Like there's gotta be, you know, he says, it's like this big thing that you then have to go like, well, our daughter's got a dance tonight. So you gotta go take her. And he goes, all right, I'll go to it. They're that big. I think about how small we are too. Like I'll think of it sometimes as,

Because you look at, I thought of it this weekend or something. Like, you just see where you're like, oh yeah, you're nowhere. I mean, that's, you know, people talk about like,

the land there's land everywhere dude like we're nowhere in america we're barely anywhere i saw a map i think that somewhere that said had all the dots of people with places in america that are not no one lives at in america and there's more dots than there isn't like of just areas where there's nobody there's nobody anywhere in america basically you know we discovered our own selves

That's what I'm getting at. Yeah, you haven't discovered who we are. We don't know who we are. Lots of places for Nate Land. It looks like after Saturn, there's a big drop off there. Oh, I didn't see those. I love Saturn. It's so cool looking.

So it's Jupiter and that's Saturn? Yeah. Saturn is probably the coolest one. It's so cool. Why don't we go there? Because that circle around it is probably a big deal. Is that like the gate? It's got to come in from underneath. Well, that's a gas planet too. That's a total gas planet. There's nothing to land on. So we couldn't. Yeah. So the hula hoop, we would just fly through it.

So we couldn't live on that one. And then... You fight through the hula hoop. Oh, and it's sideways. That would be uncomfortable. You'd also be walking up. What keeps that as... That would be not... Yeah, like a scooter. Sliding off. You got to just be... A lot of that, a lot of steps. That's a town of... Yeah, you can magnetize it. It's a world of steps. It's like Nick's minivan on that. Yeah. That's deep. Crash into the planet. What keeps that ball of gas a ball? Gravity. So they have gravity.

That's cool. They got it too. Yeah. No water. I guess I didn't think of gas as having gravity. Yeah. It's all got gravity up there. Yeah. You know what's wild to think about? No sound in space. You ever think about that? I'm just learning about gravity, so I haven't got there yet. But it's... I thought there was no gravity. There's... What? What did you just ask? I thought there was no gravity. Yeah. Well, if you're out of way from anything with any mass, there's no gravity. Yeah.

But they're still gravitating. Mass will still have gravitational attraction to it. Yeah. I didn't read this last time. I feel like I went to school for like an hour. Like all of my schooling was in there. Like I just breezed through it. I didn't pay attention to anything. You're doing pretty well for now. I just want to go back and look at me and see what I was doing. Like, what are you doing? That's what I would love. If I had a time machine, I would just be like... Just watch this podcast. Yeah.

I do. It is educational to me. Yeah. But it's like, I don't like, do people learn this? But in 30 minutes from now in the future, when you're like, who cares? Let's move on. That'll be the answer. That, that is. So that's what happened is I just go, I don't care. I've thought about it. I don't, I'm not education smart, like whatever that is. So like people still, you know, they're always like, no, you're smart and all this stuff. I don't know how to, I don't think of stuff the way you think of stuff.

I just don't. I don't. It doesn't stick with me. The stuff that doesn't matter, like not that it matters to me, but until it matters to me, I can't pay attention to it. Right. So it's got to like, and I'm not saying this matters or I feel interested in it. Not like it matters to me. Because it's not about, I don't want anything to be about me. But it's like until I can find a way to be like, okay, I understand what that is. And then I can, then I go and I move. But like, I think when I just kind of feel like you're just, I got to wait till it gets there.

okay he gets there and i'll get very curious yeah i'm really not yeah the book stuff really looks smart we'll get that's why i could never graduate call i mean i wasn't i'm not smart enough to you're looking at the teacher you're just like you're bombing right now can you not feel the need can you not speed it up talking about these words or who cares like algebra and stuff yeah oh yeah who cares at all dude like talk make it you know do it in a cooler way yeah

I agree. Kind of like the children's Bible, like she was talking about. It needs to make more sense to people. Let's go. Let's go. So I don't really understand this, but only 5% of the universe is made up of people, planet, stars, stuff like that. 69% is dark energy. And then 26% is dark matter. I don't know the difference, but they just discovered...

like proof that one of these existed. It's invisible, but they say it's out there. And I guess they know it exists because gravitational pull? I'm looking at you. I don't know a lot about this. I don't even know what you said. There's a lot of gravitational pull out there, and they're like, well, what's doing it? Because there isn't anything out there, and it's dark energy, which is some type of invisible matter. Does it include black holes?

A guy told me something about black holes this weekend in the meeting. What was it? There's a lot of them. A black hole is created when a big star explodes. It's gravitational force. It's like written for a second grader. When a big star goes bye-bye, it becomes... I thought that was... How else would y'all write it?

What are you going to say? How would you read it? That's the problem, dude. We're seeing the problem. The combustion of the eternal. With a big star. We don't got to use that voice. It was just funny the way he said it. The way you just read it very. Yeah. Its gravitational force is so strong that nothing can escape from it. Luckily, the closest black hole is about 10,000 light years from Earth. It's right there. There's a big one at the center of the Milky Way, right? I think that's what's at the center of it.

That's what it's all spinning around. Just a spot. A black hole. Yeah. And what goes in there? It goes in and we don't even know. Anything. Light can't even escape from it. Yeah. That's because the gravitational force is so strong. Yeah. That's what's at the center of it. That just goes somewhere. Yeah. Where does it go? What do you mean? So space is probably like the ocean. Would that be space? It could be like the ocean and that's like one of those things where... Like a whirlpool? Yeah. Yeah.

Is that what that is? Like, you think of it like the ocean. Like a sinkhole? Is it like that? It could, yeah. I mean, you could think about it that way. Does a black hole have a bottom? Could. No, well, I don't... But the oceans are so deep. They could be deep as... They got to go somewhere where they're so deep that it doesn't even matter. Uh-huh. Dark matter. Like, in something, these black holes are just like hurricanes. Like, they're just like a bunch of... But the gravitational force is so strong, everything just... Yeah, but that's what... What was it called? A...

Black Hole. Whirlpool? Whirlpool. They don't call it Whirlpool. That's like a sauna. Like a steam room. What's it called? It's called a Whirlpool. Oh, it is? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. That's where it came from, probably. And they named that Whirlpool company after just that? A washing machine? They named it after that? Yeah. Yeah.

But it would be like that. So that's what I think black holes are. Okay. And then they're just there. Yeah, it works. And that explains everything because then it's the oceans. It's all the oceans. You haven't discovered the oceans. I figured it out. I go, that's what I do in my science meeting. All right. It's not even 10 a.m. Let's go. Yeah, let's do something else. Throw me another one. So the closest galaxy to the Milky Way, anyone know? It's the Andromeda Galaxy. It's the closest one.

It's still pretty far away, but it's moving directly towards us at 68 miles a second, which is 1.8 Rhode Islands across per second. Yeah, I looked at it. Yeah, I did the math earlier. So it's moving at a 68 miles per second. So every second it gets closer.

Rhode Island is closer than us. Andromeda Galaxy is coming right at us. Yeah, 68 miles per second. Which is a great way to look at it. So picture Rhode Island. Yeah, the width across Rhode Island, 1.8 of those per second. That's how fast it's going. Oh, yeah, almost two. So almost two Rhode Islands. Yeah.

are just like, you're like, God, it's coming quick. It'll be here before this podcast. Do you think we can see it? Like, is it coming that quick that you're like, what is that? You know, it's not that close yet. No, it's not to where you notice it. You know, it's like when you say his name and you turn around, would you be like, what is that? I think that's when you're in trouble when you go, oh, that's, oh, what is that? Well, this is, so it's not going to hit us for another 4.5 billion years. Give or take. Give or take a few seconds. Yeah.

So it's going to combine with ours and it's going to become the milk cometa. Milky Way and Andromeda is going to become the milk cometa galaxies. But they think the stars in these galaxies are so far spread apart from each other that the galaxies will combine, but they think there's an excellent chance none of the stars will actually hit each other because they're that spread out. That's good. And there's that much room. But it'll combine and a lot of planets will get percolated.

probably thrown out from gravitational force. They'll just get ricocheted out just from gravity. But better benefits because it's a bigger company, right? Yeah. When they merge. There'll be a lot more going on. Will ours be done? I mean, we'll probably be, I mean...

we'll be done way before that probably yeah 4.5 billion years the earth will have the sun will have exploded by then probably yeah the stars like on fire as a kid i always thought that's what they told us like they're just on fire in the sky like a solo stove out in the sky no smoke man the smokeless fire pit just in the sky yeah what's no sense like a solo stove

That's what soloists should do. Soloist guy. We look at it, we don't want to brag about ourselves, but we do think of this as the stars of your driveway. We put out no smoke, just a little sound. And what's no sound? So when they're in space and they can't hear sound, they're just... That's got to be nice, though. That sounds amazing. You don't even hear your stomach growling.

That sounds amazing. Because no sound can exist. Well, sound needs something for it to travel across, like air. And if there's no air out there, that sound, those vibrations have nowhere to go. There's nothing vibrating. Would you feel it? You'd still feel. So if someone hit you, you'd be like, God. Nothing would come out of your mouth when you said it. And you go, hey, man. And he's like...

We're in space, dude. I can't. He goes, draw. Draw it. And then he's... Doing charades. And he's like, I don't know how to draw, but I can do sounds really well. And you go, well, why don't you do that on Earth where we had sound? Yeah.

My boy's up there. Yeah. That's a fun callback. Isn't it the coldest that can be possible in space? It's not absolute zero. Actually, I was looking up this earlier, and I don't want you to think that I know all this. We were looking during lunch. The coldest temperature and the hottest temperature in the universe are both on Earth, in the whole universe. We've created them on Earth. Solo stuff? Yeah.

An oven. In an oven. And hello fresh. Stay frozen. Is it microwave? Microwave can get pretty hot. I bet it's some type of particle thing. One of those colliders, whatever they're called, where they haven't, nothing's been that hot since the Big Bang, they think. We've created it. And what was the coldest? I'm sorry. Absolute zero. How do you get to that?

I don't know. You just put a lot of ice. I don't know how you get, you know, how do they, the big bank stuff? Like how did they figure it out by like, there's real old newspapers and stuff and just track it down. Is that like, they just found the old almanac. Do they go to the library and just go, here's the first almanac. Something looks fishy here. And they keep going from there.

Keep going back. So there's colder than zero. Zero degrees. No, absolute zero is the coldest. That's the zero that we know. That's when things literally stop moving. Is that zero? Not zero Fahrenheit. Not zero Fahrenheit. It's like, no. Yeah, zero Kelvin. I thought I read outer space is 270 degrees below zero or something. Oh, just out in the middle of...

Which I thought they said was as cold as it could get, but I don't know. That's pretty cold, man. It's pretty cold. Yeah. What would you... Yeah. The jacket? The coat? I guess you had the spacesuits. Your muffs. So why don't we wear spacesuits around here? Because they can wear them out there, so you'd be like... Some people do during COVID. Yeah. That's what they say. Everything's made by NASA. Like the astronauts use it. You're like, all right, I'll try some of that. Yeah. But it never really goes as far as it should go, you think. Yeah. Like when they say the astronauts use it, you should be like, well, these should be selling off the...

I think they cost about $12 million a piece, those spacesuits. The suits? Yeah. People can't afford them. I used to eat the ice cream, the astronaut ice cream. You ever heard of that? Yeah. Dippin' Dots? No. Dippin' Dots was amazing. If they had Dippin' Dots in space, that'd be unreal. I thought that was astronaut ice cream. No, it's like a powder. It's like a powder.

Powder, right? I thought it was hard. Oh, is it hard? Okay. Like a sponge. Okay, that's right. It's like chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry. Is it okay? The first thing that's impressed you about space is Diffin Dots. If they had Diffin Dots in space, that'd be amazing. I'm going. I'm going. Pale blue dot, who cares? It looks like it should be one of the flavors. Yeah. Pale blue dot. Pale blue dot. I'll take a bowl of Earths and then... Throw some pale blue dots in there. Yeah.

That's so funny. Yeah. That'd be a good Dippin' Dot flavor. I don't really understand this, but it says there's no such thing as the universe's center. And I don't know how... Like the ocean. There's no middle of the ocean. I think there is. Where? I don't know.

I don't know where it's at, but I feel like you could take the ocean and look at it and geographically figure out where the center would be. But it all connects. So you have to have an ending. You have to have a beginning and an end. Well, there's no beginning and an end because it's all just together. Well, I guess that's true. So the universe is like that. There's no beginning or end. There's not a wall that goes, that's enough. Can't go past here.

So you're all just like, we're in the middle of the ocean. But if the universe is expanding out from a singular explosion in the middle, wouldn't the center be where that explosion happened? Yep, it seemed like it would be. But to your point, if there's no walls... It would just be where that explosion happened. Yeah, so everything's expanding out from that explosion. So theoretically, if you were to take it all back, that would be the center of it. I don't think I even know what the Big Bang Theory is.

It's like a single spark or something just blew up. Blew up, made the whole universe... So that's when they say the universe is expanding and everything's constantly moving. That's because it all started from a singular explosion. And everything's still just moving out. How did they think that exploded? Good question. What did it explode? It was just a collection of stuff. Yeah.

That just exploded at the middle. In a millisecond. I feel like you can talk a scientist into where he goes, it was just a bunch of stuff.

I think there's a point where they have to go, I don't. That's what I think I want. I want them to go, we don't know for sure, but this is our best guess. And I would go, okay. And then you asked the question, like we did the last episode, who did that? Where did that come from? And no one knows. Stephen Hawking, I think he said, was content with just it came from nothing. Who could tell what that guy said anyway? Yeah. Yeah.

I tried to read that book. Mark of Nonsense old joke. I just got lost the whole time, that book. A moment in time? Yeah, I just couldn't grasp any of it, really. Yeah. Well, you don't know the words. That's the problem. These words mean something simple. Well, you use a simple word, right? They should get me to write Stephen Hawking's book. Yeah. And then I just... And if he can't explain it enough for you to write it, then... Then guess what, Stephen? We don't learn what you teach. Yeah.

Because we're not, you know, keeping all this information that keeps the rest of us down. Yeah. Because we don't know what the words mean. And you're just making up harder words. And no one knows what any of those words mean. So then the group gets smaller and smaller because you're like, well, we're using all this stuff. And it's basically going, I just want to go like, so we live in an ocean? Yeah. So it's like a whirlpool. It's like a whirlpool. Black holes. Big star. All right. Big star. It blew up. We're here. Yeah. Okay.

There are about 5,000 exoplanets, which is planets outside our solar system. They're discovering more weekly. So that number keeps going up. We got just like a camera out there.

We got all kinds of telescopes. How many satellites are out in space? I mean, there's so much space junk. I read the other day that we may have our own ring like Saturn someday of just space junk going around. Yeah. Is that where recycling goes? Dude. Yeah, I looked this up. There's 500,000 pieces of space debris floating around the Earth's orbit. You got any pictures? I don't have any pictures of it.

So they're keeping those on the down. Yeah. So they just throw it up there and there's nothing we can do. And it's going at 17,500 miles per hour.

So it's like, yeah, it could become like a real problem. You're right. Well, wasn't there just an incident on the space station where they had to get in because space junk was coming? I mean, the movie Gravity, that's what happened in that movie. But I think it just almost really did happen. Gravity. Is it good? Yeah, it's great. It's real good, man. I never saw it either. It's about gravity. And Sandra Bullock. Gravity plays a big role. Yeah, for sure. It's a big part. It's a big part.

But in these exoplanets, now they think there's billions and billions of planets out there. Oh, you just asked about telescopes. Yeah.

They're about to launch, or somebody did. Maybe it wasn't you. I said cameras. New iPhone. Sony handy cams zoomed in all the way. They're about to launch. So Hubble Telescope is the one that's taken all these pictures, all these great photos over the years. But they're about to launch the James Webb Telescope, which is way more powerful than Hubble's telescope. And it's going to show us stuff we've never seen before. Looks like a honeycomb. Oh, and they put it in space.

On a rocket. That's pretty cool. And then he's been hung up because of COVID, and then they got mad at the name because James Webb said some anti-

They're trying to cancel James Webb. He's dead, I think, but they're trying to cancel the name. He can't cancel somebody when they're dead. Well, they're upset about calling it after him because he said some stuff back in the day that they don't like now. But once they get all that... We're sending him to space. Does that not count for something? That's how bad it was. Well, now James Webb's out of our universe. We never have to talk to him ever again. Put his body on there. Send him out of here. But once that gets launched, they say we'll see stuff that we've never seen before. That's pretty exciting. You'll see another you.

And his first thing he sees is another Brian Bates with his hand behind his head. He's just like, waving up at it. Just waving. Tell everybody down on Earth we're from Fillard County. Say hello. Fillard County. Is there a Fillard County? Not in Tennessee. I made it up right now. I thought you said they halted production of it because of COVID.

Obviously, it's like the workers, but it just sounds like it's not safe to go to space right now because of COVID. You got to wear two suits. Two suits. Two suits. Yeah. Two helmets. You got a mask over the glass just in case, you know, just in case.

I wonder if they had to do COVID stuff. Wasn't there a fear of COVID on the space station? Oh, I don't know. I heard something like that. I feel like there was. Like they had to do something. Wipe everything down. Yeah. A new guy came up. Whoa, whoa, whoa. He goes, I don't have it. I got to call. Six feet apart, buddy. Did he get sick in space? I'm sure. I guess he could. Yeah. I guess somebody's throwing up in their helmet. Yeah. Yeah.

But these exoplanets, they're looking for... I don't need to see a video of it. Well, I'm not going to watch a video of somebody throwing up in space or anything. Viruses don't spread the same off Earth, this says. Oh, that's nice. This is too long to read right now, but it looks like something interesting. Yeah, it just wouldn't...

astronauts have fallen ill while in space while floating off earth astronauts have endured upper respiratory infections or colds and uh you know something and space medicine at the baylor college of medicine why do they always go different colleges you always see that like when they talk to someone they go oh this guy from this college is that like a pr for a college like they're just you know it is for sure but they pay for that it's also where these people are i mean where would where else would they be

Like scientists. No, no, but you see it everywhere. Like we go and talk to this college about this thing. Oh, right. Probably what happened, like space.com, that school probably sent a press release to them saying, we've determined this in our studies. And then space writes the article about it. Instead of space approaching them saying, hey, do you got somebody that knows about sick astronauts? Oh, wait. No, you're saying space. Space.com. Space.com is the people that decide. No, the Center for Space Medicine.

Told Space.com. So the Center for Space Medicine figured it out and then called Space.com and said, do y'all want to write an article about

colds in outer space. Yeah. And they go, I'll pitch it a little better than that. And then luckily the coronavirus came around. They go, huh? Oh, yeah. Now it's interesting. Now it's good. He's still got that sneezing space thing. Do you ever see Apollo 13, the movie? I think so. Yeah, remember they all get sick on the flight back. I remember it like that.

They got cold. One of them got really, really sick. Yeah. But that was just because they were so cold, right? Yeah. That didn't help. Who was that? Gary Sinise? Well, Gary Sinise didn't get to go to space because they said he was going to have the measles. Yeah. Oh, okay. I knew something. Are the flowers blooming in Houston? Remember that? I've seen that movie a bunch. Is that the code word?

That just meant, yeah, do you have the measles? And he's like, nah, they're not. I don't have the measles. Oh. Yeah. He didn't want to say it out loud. He didn't want the, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. He wanted to trash talk the NASA's doctors. Tom Hanks asked him. From over the radio. Are there flowers blooming in Houston? Yeah. Yeah. It's a great movie. Yeah. Yeah. I saw it a long time ago. It is a great movie. Holds up. Yeah. I don't remember. But it's, but I, it was a great movie. Yeah. Tom Hanks, top of his game. Yeah.

Those exoplanets, so they're looking for planets in what they call the Goldilocks zone, which is where it's not too hot and not too cold, because they think that's where there could be life. So they found a few planets. Why do they call it Goldilocks? From the nursery rhyme or whatever that would be considered. Not too hot, not too cold, just right. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. She ate the porridge. Yeah, yeah. Before she snuck into the bear's house. That's true. Broken, breaking and entering. Goldilocks, that's a good name.

Goldilocks? Goldilocks. Not a person's name, but... Well, it's easy to remember. But isn't it a person's name in the story? I think the girl's name, right? Goldie, and she has locks. Oh, and she has locks. I thought her name was Goldilocks. It is. She's Goldilocks, but she has locks. I think it's her nickname. Yeah, it's her nickname. Oh, it's a nickname. Yeah, it's her nickname. But it makes way more sense. First name's Goldie.

You're Goldie Locks? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's talking to bears. Kind of a one name. She's Goldie from Lake Geneva, Wisconsin. Yeah, yeah. I'm Goldie from the locks of... Where's the locks? What's that thing that lives in the locks? Oh, Loch Ness Monster? Loch Ness Monster. I love it. Name's Goldie. Where'd he come from? The Loch Ness Monster Lake. Oh, is that what it's called? No, but if I tell you the real name, you're not going to know it. It's...

It's Ness, right? Ness. Lake Ness? Loch Ness just means Lake Ness, doesn't it? Yeah, I think it does. Oh, it does? Yes. It's not the name of the... Oh, Loch Ness. Yeah, Lake Ness Monster. Lake Ness Monster. So the lake is called Ness. No, the Ness Lake.

That would be if someone goes, everybody goes, you're going, where are you going to go? The nest lake. I'm sure you've heard of it. You gotta have it. They go, Loch Ness. And you go, all right, man. I, yeah, I guess I didn't, you know, I don't talk about it that often. I don't understand what, what are y'all talking about in a cosmic cosmology class? About the origins of the, of the universe, how it started. I should know a lot more about like the big bang theory and stuff just based on that class. But I don't remember. I retained very little.

Oh, really? Yeah. Because I've been relying on you pretty hard. Well, I did 20 minutes of rudimentary research before this. So I feel pretty good about it. Was 10 of it figuring out what rudimentary meant? That's where I would have got stuck. So technically, this is... Spelling rudimentary would have been...

I never made it past that. Mars is in the Goldilocks zone. That's what they say. So they're saying that, oh, life. So these could be. So Earth, we're good. Venus, I'm sorry. You're so close. But you just can't. Mercury. Mercury, why are you wasting our time? You should be embarrassed. I feel like they keep going back and forth on Mars. Like we can't live there. We can't. I think it's our only option at this point. So we think we can live in those other dots too?

Yeah, but I think all of them... Mars is the only one that we actually have the ability to go to. It has water too, right? Is that what they said? Some water? It has ice. But that other one looks closer. What is that? Well, this has nothing to do with distance. This is a graph, which I know is your favorite. So that has nothing to do with distance? This has nothing to do with how far away. So why would they even spread them out? Well, this is a graph that's where the y-axis is...

The graph of the y-axis is the size of the planet, and the x-axis is the temperature. You get what I'm saying? Why are they in different spots if the distance doesn't matter because it's showing you something? Yeah, because it's just showing you how big it is compared to Earth and how hot and cold it is compared to Earth. But this is so far away. This Kepler-186f is like...

light years and light years away. So it doesn't mean it's right there. No. It's just saying that's colder. Right. So Mars is a little bit colder. It's colder than that Kepler, but why is it so high? Because it's smaller than Kepler is. Okay. So that's the size. Okay. All right. Yeah. That makes sense. Are you supposed to just know that when you look at every graph? No, but you read the labels on the axis. And then that's what it says? Yeah. See this? Oh, yeah. The Earth's mass.

I teach a lot of stuff in school, huh? You retain quite a bit. I'm saying this. Mars is the only one we can get to. The other ones are way too far away. So we just say Mars is our only option. We got to go live there. Got to go to Mars. I think we could talk Venus into it. They're right there. They're close enough. Y'all just get a little bit colder. Just a little. You know you want to do it.

Is it Scientology that the founder was from a planet or went to a planet? What was his name? Ray of Hubbard? Tom Cruise. Yeah, L. Rod Hubbard. Ray R. Hubbard. Yeah, something like that. It was basically built off of a science fiction novel, and then the whole religion is based off of that.

Oh, there, I don't know that much about it. So I tried to watch that movie. They did the John Travolta movie, which is about the whole thing. You know what I'm talking about? Battle, Saturday Night Fever, Battlefield. Beyond Battlefield or something. I don't know. Battlefield of LA. With Barry Pepper. What movie is that? Barry Pepper. Battlefield movie. Yeah. We had Dreadlocks. Battlefield of LA. All right. I try. I'm about out here. Yeah. In fairness, we had like 20 minutes to get ready for this one. Yeah, we just figured we'd talk more about the universe.

Battlefield Los Angeles. Yeah. What's the John Travolta movie? Besides... Battlefield Earth? Battlefield Earth. That's it. That's with M. Night Shyamalan. No. Yeah. Battlefield Earth is considered one of the worst movies of all time. Is it really? It's not Shyamalan, is it? Wow. I thought it was. No, no. But he's in that. He did After Earth. I know, but go up. I think... Yeah, he is in it. Why did John Travolta do Battlefield Earth? Click on that. I think it won more Razzie Awards than any movie ever. Oh, yeah.

So this is about Scientology. He was so committed to get this film made that he cut his $20 million salary in half.

Man, that's quite a sacrifice. Yeah. Still made 10. I know. But that's like where you want to go like, well, dude, if you didn't do it for free, like if you're like, well, I want to get this message out, then do it for free. But that's not a movie about Scientology. It was just written by the founder. Yeah, because he was assigned. It's not about the book. It's based off of. According to that, no. I mean, I think it's like a futuristic alien. Well, they're all about aliens, right? Yeah.

Well, what do I know? But, I mean, the way that reads to me, it's just like he did it to just publish this guy's book. Okay. I didn't take it. It was about Scientology. And that's his book. I just always thought the religion was based off. I think he wrote a lot of books. I think L. Ron Hubbard was an author, so he wrote a bunch of books, and they made this one a movie. Then he started that. This is brutal, man. Often considered one of the worst films ever made. 3% on Rotten Tomatoes. I love Barry Pepper, too, though. Which one is the... Is Rotten Tomatoes a pretty good...

Or is that like, I do look at audience scores. Oh, yeah. Versus the critic score? Yeah.

They're sometimes vastly different. Yeah, even though I was a critical choice. I was about to say. Besides that, I think they nailed it. It's a 12% audience score, which is still not great. Sometimes I don't, but sometimes you go to Amazon, you look at like, it's always off, but you have the audience thing. I mean, almost every movie ever made, the audience is like, yeah, loved it. Everybody loved it because it's, you know.

If he were just putting, yeah, I like it. Yeah, 91%. You got a 91 on Rotten Tomatoes audience score. The critics didn't even bother. But now they're going to start to. Didn't care less. Because now you're going to be a critic's choice. There's four reviews from critics, but not enough for a consensus, I guess. Yeah, and they were all, I don't know if I want to read these. They're all positive. Yeah, you don't even want to. Do you have an IMDB page? Yeah. Yeah.

I have one now. Somebody made one for me. Oh, really? Yeah. It might have to because you did the show with Greg. Yeah, but it's funny because someone said something like, aka breakfast or also known as breakfast. Yeah, you can maybe update it. There it is. It's so funny, dude. I mean, you got to be the only picture like that picture on. I mean, there just has to be. Everybody else has like a headshot in yours. That's a headshot. I know, but that just looks like, you know.

That's a headshot I use. You know. You have a bio. It looks like you have that picture on your chest as you greet people. Oh, this is a Brian Bates trivia fact on your IMDb. Oh, you got a trivia fact. Yeah, aka breakfast in some circles. Oh, wow. That's awesome. What does it say on the thing? This is bio. That's my bio. Oh, does it have star...

So there's a star meter. At the top there was something. Yeah, what's your star meter? Yeah, let's see where you're ranked. Let's see what all our star meters are. I need to log into it. Because I have the... But what am I known for? There's a way to rank it. Hold on. Oh, you need to be a pro. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is worth it. Let's log in. What are we about to do? We're about to see where you rank on the list of stars in the world. Oh. Can you do mine? Let's do all of them. Yeah, we can do all of them. How many stars are there? There's more stars than grains of sand.

That's for sure. That's for sure. You have my phone right in there. I have it on my phone. I thought I had it here. IMDB TV, which is where the show Brian and I did. Oh, that's right. Maybe that's why it's on there. It's going to be airing. I don't know. Yeah. Let's see. That's coming out fairly soon. Fairly soon. We'll be letting everybody know. Yeah. Do we know? I'm excited. No, I don't know exactly when yet.

Come out fairly soon. When? I have no idea. I mean, fairly is relative. Yeah. You know, the next two or three years. In the green scheme of the universe. The green, the green scheme. The green screen of the universe. In the green screen of the universe. You can put whatever you want up there. That's how green screen works. All right. So this worked here. You got it. How do I, uh. Yeah, you search for old breakfast baits. I know, but I have to get the password now on here. It's like a different password. Uh,

Dustin, do you have any thoughts on time travel or multiverses? We talked about that last week. Time travel. Are you for it? Yeah, absolutely. I've always hoped that things are real. You know what I mean? Who would not be for it? Who would be like, I'm not for it. I would vote against it. If you only had a choice, you can only go backwards in time or forwards, what would you choose?

I don't know if looking forward is going to be that great. Oh my gosh. That's the bleakest take. You know what I mean? I think we had better times in the past. Yeah, the 90s were pretty good to me. The good old days? Yeah, you would just go 90s. Yeah, music was better. I don't know. I mean, I'd like to see certain things. Do you think music has gotten worse or do you think we just remember the good music?

It's a little bit of both. I think it's worse. It's not worse. It's just recycled. I think anything new is always from something else. This is a miracle that this password worked. Oh, yeah. You got to worry. Yeah. But I think any hit that you have is something else.

You want to use mine? No. You have IMDb Pro? Yeah. I mean, I think I got it. I got it somewhere. It's a matter of principle now. We got to figure it out. Yeah. I mean, I just logged in to IMDb Pro. IMDb Pro. I was thinking about the music thing this week. I think things are not as creative. You're getting to a little more...

algorithm kind of type stuff yeah and so it's like people don't this is his grammy speech by the way yeah well it's like it's like but everybody's looking at everything as like kind of an algorithm and uh you know so it's it's not it's definitely not the same like it's it just doesn't mean the same yeah but it's like sergio simpson has like a waylon jennings sound like everything kind of you know yeah resurfaces to something else that's newer but older you know

But he puts a cool spin on it, so it keeps it fresh. And, you know, it's like that's how everything works. Yeah, well, it's like stuff has really been written. Like if you hear the old song, it seems like the words were written out. It's a story. I mean, some still do it, but then some of them, it's all about like, it's all like generated stuff. So it's not, like did they have to do that when they first wrote music a long time ago? Would they have to like come up with the sound? Yeah. Now it's like anybody can do it. There's only so many chords. There's only so much you could do, really, I think, with music. Yeah. Especially like rock and roll and country. It's all kind of.

Yeah, it's a whole... Oh, so you're $27,990. Okay, let's all rate ourselves. That's pretty high. What is it? What do you think of all the stars in the world? That is pretty good. I'm a little concerned of Nate's $27,990. I'm about surprised it's that high. I'm just saying. Yeah, that's awesome. I think mine's going to be pretty bad. You can look at... Okay. That's Nate's star meter. So what is this? $27,990?

27 i remember looking at it 27,000 now yeah well you go hold on go back don't go go click the star meter and let's see what top is and stuff like that so mine wrote oh last 12 oh that was so this the week your special came out that was 4,000 4,000 okay and i got now i'm back down to 27 you can go back five years here you've had a couple peaks what happened yeah march 3rd 2019 tennessee kid tennessee kid came out nice oh nice

And then this is probably the, uh, you did Fallon and standups in that same, in that same week. Uh, and, but like, is there like, I wonder who is the,

Katie Azleton, she's 2,300. She was in our pilot. And then who was, like, who's number one? How do you see the number one, just so everybody sees? I don't even know what this is ranked on. I don't even know this exists. What do I have? What are my IMDb credits? You're down 3,000 this week. Oh, gosh. It's probably this part. You've got all the Tonight Show appearances, Jay Cutler's podcast. CBS Morning. I love the, yeah.

Oh, there's stuff. And Marin and then all your Netflix specials. Yeah, you got a lot of stuff on there. So can you look at just like, is there a star meter thing? I wish I could. Let me look for the rankings. Look at the top. Go to the top and see the top of the page. Is there not a star meter thing? All right. Here we go. Top star meter. So, oh, and we can find them. Haley Steinfeld. She's number one right now.

I don't know if those other two people are. Yeah, that's crazy. Daniela Pineda. Never heard of her. Jurassic World, Kingdom, and Originals. I guess Jurassic World's coming out. She's like the top. I would guess The Rock would be number one. Cole Hauser. It changes, seems like, just constantly. Yeah, I don't... I know most of these people. Jesse Plemons. He's great. That's weird.

Yeah, all right. So they're there, and I'm 27,000 away from them. I can't see them. I think I'm like 200,000. I am probably in my Rhode Island, 1.8 Rhode Islands away from them. So Brian Bates, actor, the film Sprung. His ranking is 241,175. I think it's better than mine. Which is more than the people that are...

Even trying to be an entertainer. There's like 5,000 people are trying. It's a safe number. How did they ever get this number? Yeah, I want to see my peak. Filmography. Yeah. So he was in the Uber Important. What is that? That's my Dry Bar Special. Oh, that's your Dry Bar Special. Yep. And then Stand Up Nashville. Yep. Yeah.

And then Somewhat Damaged Podcast. Yeah. What is that? That's the guys. It says brain baits there, I see. Oh, yeah. Those are the guys. Brain baits. Yeah.

Let's look at your graph. Oh, you got a little peak. What was this? Here's a big Valley right here. I don't know. I don't know what happened there. You dip down, you dip down to 2 million, 5,000. I mean, just may of 2021 was not good for old breakfast. He,

He hit a bottom. $10.5 million. I mean, it was when did the podcast start? July of 2020. So you were down at the bottom when you were on the podcast. Yeah, that was, where am I? You've had some up and downs. I mean, you dropped, that's a pretty big rise. Go to his peak. His peak is...

I mean, 80,000, 80,000. I mean, you almost can't even walk around. What happened that weekend? People know you last 12 months, 93,000. That's a great old offer. Is that when you made your grand old Opry debut? Yep. September. Wow. What's his lowest? His lowest is 10 million. Oh, his lowest. He was at 9,000,000.

That's when he started the entertainment. How many people? November 2020 is when Breakfast came on the map out of 9 million. It only goes to a little 10 million is as low as it goes. And he came out of the gate. We just stopped counting the 10 million. 10 million. It's like, you get it. We'll see what Dustin's at. It's going to be rough. Yeah.

I just have like a stand-up picture on there. All right, $385,000. Not bad. I feel like I'm going to be in the millions for sure after seeing all these. It's all crazy. It goes off of just like, you know, look, you got all that. Those things on crashing. Yeah, you have actual stuff. Actual, like a ton of stuff on there. Yeah, crashing. Howard Stern. Howard Stern. Do you want to look at the...

Let's see if you got down to 9 million. You luckily were never really down there. Oh, no. You never even came close. You didn't come close to Brian. They don't even show you. You're up there now. You're peaking right now. Oh, that's when crashing. Yeah, crashing. Yeah, he's on his... And right now it's moving up, moving up. All right. Get that Nate Land bump. Do it, Aaron. Nate Land's not even on there. I know. How do we get Nate Land on there? We've got to get Nate Land on there. Aaron doesn't even have a...

Headshot. This is me, though. This is Aaron. This is me. $556,000. Dude, oh my God. That is... So you're lowest. I mean, Bates is... He is... I'm killing you.

I'm 241,000. You should have Bates write you a reference letter and say, just welcome you to the industry. Do you want to welcome? Would you like to talk to the industry a little bit, Eric? Because they don't know you. This month, you're up 8,618,000. What a month. On my birthday, I was the 9,000,000th. On your birthday. That's embarrassing, man. I'd give it up. Yeah.

Look, but you're on your way. What's the highest you got? The highest I got was $120,000. Yeah. Wow. You know what, dude? You can only go up from here. I'm grateful for it all. You're grateful for it all. You can only go up here. Shout out to everybody who got me here, dude. So, yeah.

500, 550,000. We're doing it. We're going to start making everybody look up there when they come in. That's funny. That's very funny. All right, everybody. Dustin, you have stuff? Dates or anything? Website? Yeah, it's my website, dustinchafin.com. I have a show on Twitch. Just check me out at Dustin Chafin on Instagram and all that stuff. Yeah. And then everybody else? I think I'm done for the year. I'm going to go down even more on AMTV. I got to get after it.

Comedy Works Denver New Year's New Year's yeah come check it out downtown or yeah with Dusty Slate that's awesome Comedy Works Denver alright everybody as always we love you very much and we thank you Nick Novicki 32,000 he's up there yeah he's right on your heels he's a big deal so alright we love you everybody hi Harper alright see y'all bye

Thanks, everybody, for listening to the Nate Land podcast. Be sure to subscribe to our show on iTunes, Spotify, you know, wherever you listen to your podcasts. And please remember to leave us a rating or comment. Nate Land is produced by me, Nate Bargetzi, and my wife, Laura, on the All Things Comedy Network. Recording and editing for the show is done by Genovation Consulting in partnership with Center Street Media. Thanks for tuning in. Be sure to catch us next week on the Nate Land podcast.