#89 Founding Fathers & The Supreme Court
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Hello, folks. Welcome to the Nate Land Podcast. Sitting here with Brian Bates, Aaron Weber. Welcome to the show. Excited to have you here.

As always, and as always, we will start off with some comments. Because this is one we're doing ahead of time. Ahead of time. Yeah. Do you think people really, do they say that? Like on TV, they wouldn't be like, we recorded this earlier. Do they say that sometimes? I know we've always said it. I think I just like people. It'll say on the top right, like pre-recorded. They always put live when it's up there, so you have an idea.

But if they record, like Tonight Show sometimes records on Thursday for Friday. They don't go, we recorded it last night, everybody. They try to do more generic jokes. Yes. Like less topical. Yeah. And that's what we're doing. All your comments are generic. And our jokes will be. Yeah. They're doing. No, the ones that are like when we have to record like this, like a backup one just to make sure.

This is where we get a lot of comments that don't always fit in or not as timely or whatever they could be. So it's actually a good thing. RY Givens. I love the fact that if someone were to ask what's the appeal of this podcast, I can tell them, well, the host is a dyslexic comedian with diabetes. One of the co-hosts just had a stroke, and the other co-host is a young man with gout.

And we measure things by Rhode Island. Keep up the great works, guys. You're making the world a better place and uniting us all. It's funny that they mention that. I have something for you guys. Oh. Here.

I was in Lowell, Arkansas this weekend, and a couple of folks came out to my show as the Winkles. And there's a pharmacist, so they wrote us some prescriptions here for our various afflictions here. We got Nate. Oh, wow.

I think that says that's so cool. It says Dave Bargetti, uh, sugar daddy. Take one tablet by mouth twice daily for type two diabetes. The earned kind. That's great for Brian right here. Brian breakfast baits. It says at the top, um, take one tablet by mouth once daily for stroke prevention. Okay.

And then I've got a gout tablets and it says, Aaron, like the grill Weber at the top. Oh yeah. That's so cool. It's like the real pharmacy that, uh, she works at. Yeah. That's like a real superficial. Yeah. Yeah. It's a real thing. It's M and M's inside of it though. Oh, is it? Nate's actually, I got diabetes. Uh,

Ernie's Pharmacy and Wellness Center. Wow. Dude, that's so cool. That's such a cool. Yeah. I didn't even think they could do this. I thought this would be illegal. I know it might be. But. Hope I don't get her in trouble for. Here, we'll come to Ernie's Pharmacy where we let just about anything slide. What do you want it to say?

So funny. That's so awesome, though. Yeah, that's awesome. Ernie's Pharmacy, one of the supply in Muskogee. Muskogee. I have no idea. Oklahoma. Muskogee. Huh? Muskogee. Muskogee. Yeah, that sounds a lot better. Muskogee.

Erica Pearson, it's important to me that Nate understands dyslexia is not a disability. It's likely the very thing that helps him be so creative. I'm an educator. I've been teaching for 18 years. Dyslexia is still very misunderstood and is often misdiagnosed as ADHD. There's a book called Dyslexic Advantage. Nate sees the world differently. One of the reasons he pauses

And conversation is because he needs time to process all he wants to say before he says it. Before he says it, he just needs time to get it out. I mean, Erica, I... She's going to write back, maybe it is a disability. Yeah, yeah. I think Erica could play this as going, like as fact and go, then watch him read the comment.

And then she could just pause it. Now see what he did right there. See how he couldn't get that word out. He's got to think about it. It needs time. I like Erica. I like her too. Thank you. Uh, Bates does not. No. So, uh, Jessica young, proud to represent the folks with my new custom plate, hoping to get some, let's go folks from fellow commuters. Check that out. Hello folks. That's awesome, dude. Wow. They came to the show. Yeah. She got some Nate land magnets. Yeah. Uh,

That's so cool. So those magnets, if you've seen them, when we were doing the meet and greets, we would give magnets away. She said the other magnets on her fridge are now jealous. Oh, that's good. I left that part out. Yeah. Man, that's very flattering. Yeah. If you see her, honk at her and pull her over. Just aggressively. Yeah.

It just goes, let's go, folks. And then you're like, ah, no. Yeah, all right. That's awesome. That's awesome. Very cool. Joshua Clay Lott. I'm going to need an episode on time travel because I'm convinced Aaron is dabbling in time manipulation. He obviously knew Roland the Farter and set for this portrait, which ultimately became the logo for the Texas Ran Fest.

I mean, it does look exactly like me, dude. It looks like you at the beginning of this podcast.

That man's got a Planet Fitness membership just sitting there. Oh, I need that jacket. You got a hat like that? Yeah, a little feather in my cap. You would love it. And a velvet robe made out of cougar pelt. What's the thing he's holding? Is that a chase? That's a chalice, dude. Chalice. Oh, yeah, dude. Gravy inside of it. Yeah.

I was going to say Diet Coke. Yeah, yeah. Just drinking gravy. Just get right to it. Why not, man? That way the rest of the table looks like, well, he doesn't eat gravy and no one knows. Yeah. You're like, I do the most gravy. Micah Johnson. I'm from a small town about 45 minutes south of Montgomery called Troy. Oh. I've heard of Troy. Oh.

And I'm about the same age as Aaron. I often wonder if we ever cross paths on a field trip to the Shakespeare Festival or at the food court at the Montgomery Mall. Didn't hang out at the Montgomery Mall very often. What about the Shakespeare Festival? The Shakespeare Festival is right across. It was pretty close to where I went to high school, Montgomery Catholic High School. And you went to it? And we used to go there and film. I used to make movies and stuff with my friends. We used to go there a bunch. So it is possible.

Yeah. Micah Johnson and I. Yeah. Micah, did you ever see some kids film it? Yeah. Y'all made movies? Yeah, we'd make some. They were awful. I actually found them. I found them recently. I've got them on a YouTube channel. They're all private now, but they're from like 15 years ago. We might have to check them out. I don't see how we can't. You never went to the food court?

I mean, I've been to plenty of food courts. Not the one of the... Have you ever been to Montgomery Mall? I have been. Yeah, it was kind of on its way out when I was growing up. So you might have crossed paths. Potentially. I mean, how often do you come up from Troy to go to the Montgomery Mall? I don't think that often. Is Troy a big... That's a little higher up town? No. No. Oh, my gosh. Sorry, Micah. So you're saying you would not...

Micah probably wouldn't be in the same store as you would be. No, that's not what I'm saying. Just say it, dude. He's already said it. So obviously, Micah, you were probably working the Shakespeare Festival and you lived in the food court at the Montgomery Mall. So, you know, big money over here. No, no, no, no, no. Micah, I'm sure we crossed paths. Maybe all his family's helicopter flying over as he drank out of his...

Whatever that was. Chalice. Christian Berryman. In the episode of Lee and Morgan, Nate states that in his opinion, comedians that refer to what they do as art are horrible and the worst. I was just watching comedians in cars getting coffee, and Jerry said that his philosophy is that anything at all that you create out of thin air that people like is art.

I know how much all of you love the great Mr. Seinfeld. So I was wondering if that statement would change your opinion on that. Seinfeld said it. I'm fine with it. I'll switch it right now. You know, it's like everything's not as like it's, I guess, you know, I guess there is art to it. It's, but I think the goal of comedy is you shouldn't take yourself that seriously. And so when you start taking yourself seriously and,

I mean, yeah, it's an art form, technically. I guess you were being entertainment and arts, and you would be in that world. Mm-hmm.

But I think as a comic, it's better to have the mindset of not taking yourself as serious. And that's more what you meant, right? Just the mindset of... Yeah, I guess so. I mean, I get what he's saying. Like, it's, you know, it is... And you would make... If I was with a bunch of comedians and a comedian walked up and said, what I do is art. Now, if he's doing... I would be like, oh, God. Like, he goes, my art... I mean, I would... I couldn't handle it if someone... But if a bunch of painters were being snobby and what we do is art...

He'd probably be like, well, what we do is a lot harder. Yeah, I would think what we do is – I think what comedians do is super hard, man. You're up there alone. There's no way out. I sneezed this past weekend on stage. I was like the lights just bright in my face. And I've never done it. I've never sneezed on stage. 1,700 people just staring at you.

And I sneezed twice. Yeah. And I was like, that's the first time it's ever happened. It was in Columbia, Missouri. How quickly did the second one come? Did you have to sit there? It was quick. Okay, that's good. But I could feel it where I'm like, you know, don't sneeze. Because it's like, that's what I was talking about. I was like, if you want to get rid of stage fright, just go sneeze in front of 1,700 people with a light on you.

I mean, like there is probably like gross, like you can see stuff like it's, I didn't know what, you know, and you're like, it just kind of throw the whole rest of the set. You're like, you're like, I don't know what's that. You know, did that feel like an eternity while you're sneezing? Yeah. It's just, I mean, people just were fine. It's not like people, a couple people left. Uh, front row, front row got out. Go change clothes. Yeah. I make the front row where, uh, ponchos, ponchos, uh, uh,

But they, yeah, it's funny. I've never sneezed on stage. And it was, it was like such, but then I'm like, is that a sign of like, you're too comfortable? Like, is your body too comfortable on stage that you're just like, you sneeze? Cause you're like, you know, like before maybe your body would never, maybe that's a sign. Maybe, I don't know if it's a good sign or a bad sign, but maybe it's a sign that you're like in a comfortable place that, cause I don't think your body would let you do it.

If you were, you know, at the beginning of your comedy. I just don't think you could. You'd be too nervous. You'd be too nervous. Too much adrenaline, all that. All that. And like, so is it too much, you know. That's interesting. I don't know. Because you sneeze when you drive. And once it starts, you can't stop it. Yeah. But on stage, it's like. Yeah. Being on stage is as routine as driving now. Yeah, maybe. Yeah.

That sounds like a good thing to me. Yeah. I can't tell if that's good or bad. Like you don't want to be where then you're like, is that the first sign of like, you start becoming like unaware and you're like, you don't know that you're good. Like, you know, you know what I mean? Like you're my biggest fear is my biggest fear in comedy. Uh,

Well, there's a bunch of them. We talked about dying alone in a hotel. But there's a few. But one on stage as a comedian, just for your career-wise, is that you worry that you're not as funny as you think you are.

And that's like a big, like I try to always kind of try to be aware. It's what you always ask. A lot of people ask the comics. I'm like, it's funny, right? Like this is not, I'm just not like oblivious. And I think this is funny. And it's like, I know you can hear them laughing, but then sometimes people, they like you and then they're going to, sometimes they like you. So they're laughing easier. And then you want to be like, you know, so you're always have that fear of like, I don't want to, I think if I keep an eye on it, cause sometimes you see, you can see comics just like,

they can just hit a point where they they're just they're just going out there and like i'm not saying you don't enjoy the show but you're like they're not at the top of their game and they're not at the top that got them to the top because they don't necessarily need to be anymore they don't need to be in like but it's like so you're like what do you does that ever happen and not like saying it's just to the famous comedians it could be anybody at any point if someone's doing comedy a long time just the guys have been doing it for a long time you worry like god i don't want

to i don't want to just be doing a bad show and then people like it's not that good anymore you know and you're like uh i think in my head i'm like i think it's going amazing like you know so i try to always be aware but maybe it's a good sign maybe that part of my act i'll be honest i needed the time so it's good i sneezed uh but they time filler yeah yeah

And have you ever seen me have a coughing attack? It's like we were running pretty quick and I needed a stretch. Yeah. But I don't like, I get, so what he's saying, like, look, everything I say, don't take everything the most, like I would live and die by any of these statements. I'm saying all this off the top of my head. I can be talked and be wrong about almost every single one of these statements.

I get the idea of comedy is an art form. I know you're creating something out of nothing. That is a, it's a, you know, I mean, it's the most art form and the fact of the most true, like kind of like you're literally just presenting something and you need approval. It's not even like if you're a painter, it's like,

It doesn't really matter. But a comedian, you got to... If I don't get approval, it's going to be real bad. But then calling it art, I would be... If I was with Seinfeld and he started talking about doing his art, me and him, I would be like... I would turn... I'd be like, oh, God. You'd be like, come on, dude. We're just... No, you'd be the opposite. You'd be like, you're right, Jerry. You're right on. That's what I would say to his face, but in my inside, I would be like...

Like, you know, I would do that with you. Like, if you just said that in New York, just go to New York and get anybody who walked into the comedy cellar and I'm like, I'm doing my art tonight, you would get ridiculed. Your borderline almost would get ridiculed so bad you'd quit comedy. It's like, don't take yourself that serious.

that's what i mean yeah you can when you talk about it in a just the way of like i get if you're doing some serious interview if you're doing some blah blah i'm like yeah i think what we do is it is an art form but as a comedian you should also you should just be aware that you know you're saying that and when the cameras cut off you go like we're just a bunch of dumb comments and then that's your attitude i think should be that

But you wouldn't describe Nate Landis. Three Nashville-based artists. This is the most art I've ever produced. Evan, making you guys good. I can't be mean anymore.

By the time this comes out, you've probably been mean for a while. Yeah, that's true. Evan Cantrell, do you eat before you go on stage? How soon before the show do you have to be at the venue? I know y'all have touched on this occasionally during previous episodes, but y'all can enlighten us more on what show days are like. I eat on stage. Yeah. You go. He takes a big bite of his burger, does his time, comes back, finishes it. Walk out there chewing. Yeah.

You know, his first little bit's like, there you go. Hello, folks. Welcome. I eat so my schedule can be bad. I usually wake up, we eat breakfast. Usually it's 11, 12. 11's early for most comics, especially when we have two shows. Your schedule, my sleeping schedule is like so whacked.

When we were just in Indianapolis, it's Eastern time zone. So we did one show in Indianapolis, then I drive to Evansville the next day. And we just drove to Evansville and came back. And so we stayed in Indianapolis the whole time. And so Evansville is the only part of Indiana that's in the Central time zone. So the show, so I mean, we don't, like we leave. We have to leave early because they're an hour behind. So you got to leave, you know, well, you lose an hour. So we leave a little bit later going.

But we leave to go there, do the show at 7, which is 8 o'clock there. 9 o'clock, you know, the show's done by 9.30, 9.45 Indianapolis time. We go eat, and then we go, and by the time we get home, it's like 3, the hotel's 3.30, 3.45 in the morning. And you're like, that was like...

And you're just like, your schedule's so messed up. It's like, I can't go to sleep. I can go to sleep, but I need to lay in bed and watch some TV. I just kind of got to be alone for a second. So those were tough. But eating-wise, I usually eat breakfast. We try to find a breakfast place at 11, 12. And then...

Probably try to eat a little lunch, something we try to do something healthy like at the venue we get chicken and carrots or something that's kind of light. You want to feel like you eat something. You're like, I need to eat something. And I'll eat something like that around four probably. And then I'll eat after the show. So that's usually how it goes. And like if you have to do it, you go eat breakfast. We might hang out.

Maybe go back, you got to take a nap around, you know, probably 2, 1, 2, and then you kind of go to the place. Then you probably go do soundcheck, maybe eat a couple bites of that chicken. I get the coffee, soundcheck, and then I go back and get ready for the show, and I'll come over kind of close to the show time. So I hope that's, you know. You can't eat too much. I've eaten where it's too full, and it's no good. Uh-huh.

What about the part about how soon do you have to be at the venue? Did you answer that? Well, I can be there. I can walk on stage when I go on stage. But you do sound check. I like to see the venue before because usually when I see it,

During the show, it's black. You can't really see. So I like to at least go in, see it, look at it. I don't always do sound checks. Sound checks are pretty easy for comedians. But maybe I'll talk to the microphone and make sure. And then...

You know, a lot of times I just go sit on the bus. And, like, especially the bus, it depends. If we're in a big place, it's kind of a long walk to the bus. We're staying inside. But sometimes the bus is, like, right to the door, and you're like, well, I'll just go and sit on the bus. I will play some – I've been playing back doing that, play golf, that 2K or whatever, 2K 2019, the golf game. I do that a lot. I like to go sit on the bus and, like, kind of just, you know, just play alone and just kind of, like, just –

Do something kind of calming. Just have your nerves. But I like getting, like, you know, I know when the openers go up, they go up. I don't always see what they're doing. I watch the show. I've seen everybody, so I know. But it's like I like to kind of like kind of wait. I'll get dressed. And there's been times I'll just start getting dressed like 15 minutes before. Like when, like, there'll be like Gary's this week and it was like Vitor's up. And I'll be on the bus and I'll be like, all right, I'll just start changing now.

And I'll start getting ready and then kind of hang out and walk. And this is that way. I only have like a couple minutes for I have to get on stage. I just, sometimes you like to, I don't want to just sit there. It's like too much to just sit. I'd rather just be walking out with the energy of like, you know, you're excited to be there. And if you're like, if you have to sit there and it's like 20, 25 minutes, you're, you're just like, kind of like, like, you're like, I just want to go up. Just let me go up. Like, you know, so you try to like time the stuff out. I'm learning all that stuff now.

You got to learn what you like, you know, what would give the best show. Katie Betts, do you make your wives laugh like you do your audience? My husband is an engineer, not a comedian, but he's hilarious and he makes me laugh every day. With y'all being comedians, do you find it easy to crack your wives up? Are they used to it and they will laugh at the really good stuff? Have you ever used any of their suggestions or advice on a joke? For my wife, I always joke that she doesn't like my comedy.

I'm too clean for her. She's a big Jay fan. Yeah, she's a, yeah. No, I make my wife laugh.

And I do, my wife loves being around when it's like all of us comedians hanging out. She loves like being there listening to us. Cause that's usually when we're like our best. And like, so me and like, especially all my buddies from New York, when like Soder, Jay, all the Lewis or whoever, like we all get together and like, she likes being around that. Like, and we're just, you know, cause it's just like making fun of each other, making fun of whoever. And yeah,

But I think I make her laugh more. I even, I've consciously thought of it too. Cause it was, sometimes it can be, you know, this business of, it can be get serious and get too much and too busy. And then you think, oh, I'm not making the person laugh that actually I need to make the most laugh. And so I try to sometimes be aware of that, but you know, but I don't know if it's,

You don't go rip roaring like you do with your buddies. Yeah. It's just weird. I think, but yeah. Does your wife know you do come? I don't know how not to do some of this stuff. She thinks I still drive for Uber. That's where she thinks you're at right now. Where do you go every Monday? She doesn't even have this podcast.

No, I'll make her laugh some. I mean, we're still newlyweds, so she is polite. Yeah. A few more years in, she won't be laughing at some of these jokes she thinks funny. Yeah. I'm going to say mine gives me no courtesy laughs. I feel like I really got to earn it. So if I get a laugh, I feel good about it. Yeah. And she'll tell me jokes in my act. She's like, that's not that good of a joke. Yeah. I'm like, okay. You're probably right. Yeah. I was like, I did okay. She's like, but it's not good. Yeah. All right. Well, Lucy...

Runs a comedy club. She sees comedy every night. She sees it. Uh-huh. She sees more comedians than we do. Yeah, that's probably true. And so, yeah. Yeah, my wife has told me some jokes. She'll send me some stuff. Sometimes, like, if it's a crazy story or if it's something, she'll send it. And then... I'm trying to think. I can't think of a joke that she... I mean, maybe there has been. She's a part of them all. You know, I talk about her. Yeah. But...

She might've got something. I don't know. She tries to tell me something. It's hard. It's hard for them to get jokes in my Abigail, my sister and my dad have a joke in right now. Uh, I did it on tonight show. I'm not, it'll be in my hour and all that, but the one about digging a hole, that's my, that's, uh, my dad and Abigail came up with that. Wow. And then I was like, that was one of the jokes they told me. And I'm like, that's actually a great joke.

That's like a, you know, it was like, it was just like, it was really kind of presented. And I was like, pitch the right way, pitch the right way. It just was, it was just very, it's like, it's just a very clever, like observation. I think that's even, I did the joke. If you don't know it, you don't have to go look it up. Especially if you got to come see me. Cause I am doing this joke. It's, but it's, it's, it's, some of it is about how it's presented.

It's like if someone tries to give you a joke and they try to give you almost like they try to make it funny, it's like just give me the observation that you noticed. Yes. And then I can kind of make it how I will be able to say it. But sometimes someone tells you a joke and you're like, it's very funny, but I just won't be able to.

deliver it like the way that it should be. I saw Judd Apatow just say that about screenwriting. He said, people always try to just write a funny story and you're supposed to just take a real story and then you add the jokes to it. He says that's the biggest mistake people make. My wife's smart enough. She doesn't...

So many people are like, anything will happen. We've all heard it. Oh, that's going to go in your act or you should be telling that or whatever. She's smart enough. No, just don't even say that. Yeah. You'd be surprised. A lot of stuff that you think would go in the act would never be in the act. Yeah. It's sometimes too much. If something's too wacky, it's too much. It's usually something that you would think is boring if someone said it.

You know, like they, you know, I have a whole joke right now about buying ice. It's my favorite joke. One of my favorite jokes I've ever, like, it's so fun to tell. And it's like, but like what, you know. You would never be buying ice with somebody and they go, you can put this in your little skit. It'd be funny about this. Yeah.

How about, you know, like it's just a weird, like, but it's one that hits so hard because it's so specific. And it's like, you can tell that like everybody's like, oh yeah, that is like, you know, whatever. It's a fun one. I love it. Kevin Allen. I was thinking about standups and golf since you're already a world renowned for having your own golf tournament.

what would you think about an all-star golf match play event with just standup comedians? I know you and Santino would be heavy favorites, but Ron White, Spade, Ray Romano are known to be pretty good. There's also probably some other great comedian golfers we don't know about, but thought it'd be a fun event would be an absolute riot to watch. Yeah. Uh, you know, we talk about all things comedy that we, we,

briefly talked about something like that doing some kind of like golf match play event i i think it would be fun i would love to do you know something like that santino is good i played with santino spades not bad spades who plays nine holes ray plays a lot ray uh uh broke 80 recently which was a big deal he's never done it and okay because he'll send like

He's had a lot of chances at breaking 80, and so he'll send me the video of his final putt, and you're watching them. They just barely don't go in and all that. And so then he sent one and finally it went in. So, yeah, he's a good golfer. Henry Cho's a great golfer. Henry Cho's a great golfer. Yeah, so there's a lot. I would love to do a golf match play. It should be set up and it would be a matter of like,

Is it, would you really want to watch it? Is it really fun? I mean, the foreplay guys, Barstow, I'm such a big fan of them. They do some stuff like this. I think they're coming to something in Nashville. They're doing one of their events. It's part of the festival.

Uh, is it? I don't know. I know KFC and those guys are coming. Oh, that might be, but now foreplay does like the Barstool classic. Okay. And then, so it's like a golf thing. And I think they're doing one of the rounds that they're doing. It is at old Hickory country club. Oh, nice. And so, but I, I love the foreplay guys and like, yeah, it would be fun. You know, they play like, I, you know, me and, uh,

Riggs, like, we always, me and him text a lot. Me and him are about the same handicap. So I'm trying to get a matchup. I'm trying to tell him, like, we should go play. Because we're pretty, we're basically the same. And then, but if I forget my swing down even more, I'm going to kill him. No. He is. I think he just had a birthday. Who? Riggs. I don't know who that is. He's on 4Play. The 4Play guys are great. That podcast is awesome. You should actually stop listening to this one. Go over there. Yeah.

Madison Hill, in college, we could camp out at new... Let me get this going again. In college, we would camp out at new Chick-fil-A openings. They would give the first 100 people 52 free combos each.

It started with us getting there five to six hours early, and eventually we had to start camping out 24 hours early as the word spread. One of our buddies traveled and did over 40 in two years, over 2,000 free combos. They finally changed their rules to require your license zip code match the zip code of the new Chick-fil-A. I've never heard of that. Oh, I have. They give the first 100 people 52 free combos? It's like one a week for a year.

So they just give you cards? Yeah. Whenever they open a new Chick-fil-A, people would always camp out. Isn't that right? It's like for a year supply. Yeah. And the first hundred people, when they go in there, they give them like a card that's like- I guess. They get 52 free combos. Yeah. That's unbelievable. But it got so out of hand, you had to just camp out.

Well, that's – I didn't know that's maybe the greatest thing I've ever heard. Like that one guy said he got 2,000 free combos. That's so much. Now, is that giving someone a fish or a fishing pole? That's – It's giving them a fish, but it's a lot of fish. I mean, it's – It's 2,000 fish. It's a ton of fish. That's like what Taco Bell should do. This is a better plan. Like do that. Be like you're allowed –

You know, like being like you can do 52 free combos and just be like, yeah, you can do them. I don't know what the rule is if you can do one a day or something like that, but the combo's a meal. Seemed like a homeless guy who's camping out anyway could just go get in line. Yeah. Ooh, that's a good point. So it would be, yeah, I would think that's a better Taco Bell. Like to do something like that.

Give people just an amount. Be like, you pay this a monthly. We'll give you 52 mils. Use them whenever you want. Then someone could be like, all right, so you pay 100 bucks and you get a free meal a week. But that still probably wouldn't add up. But whatever it is. That's cool. Ben Shaw. The last football game I ever played was the 1998 Independence Bowl. I did not play, but my pants did.

Our starting quarterback, Romario Miller, tore a small hole in his pants in pregame. So, of course, me, being in no way will play scout team QB, I gave him my pants. He played amazing and we beat Texas Tech. I retired and my pants went out on top. Look at that. He played at Ole Miss. He played at Ole Miss? Yeah. I think we met Ben. When you and I played golf in Hattiesburg, I think we met him down there.

Oh, yeah, that's cool. Yep. Look at that. His pants are, he asked for them back. Should have ran after him. You know how like someone goes and gets the ball real fast? He goes and starts just taking. The very pants I was returning. Yeah, the very pants I was, he takes his pants off. How can I have them? Years ago, my buddy Joe Kelly, who we know, did a show with Theo Vaughn. Theo Vaughn forgot pants.

And he said, can I borrow your pants? And so he got off stage and he took his pants off and gave it to Theo. And then Theo did a set in Joe's pants. And then afterwards, Theo said, they say you don't know a man till you walk a mile in his shoes. How about when you do an hour in their pants? So that's how you know a man right there. Was this at Zany's? This was at Huntsville at Stand Up Live. Oh, that's funny. Did you just have shorts on or something? I don't, yeah, I guess I did shorts on. Was he hosting?

I think actually Theo was headlining the late shows. He was featuring those shows. Okay, so he didn't have to go back out in the end. No, no, no. Yeah, that's funny. Yeah, I do like to – it's funny to be the quarterback, to be like Romero's Pants –

This guy just knows, oh, I got my pants. And they're like, yeah, obviously he's not getting in. So, I mean, you think that they don't have other pants. You're like a school just like, we have some backup pants. And they're like, do we have backup pants? They go, we do, but just get Ben's. To be safer. It's like it's a longer walk. It's such a long walk to the locker room. Ben, you have zero chance. Even this, this is your last football game.

In your life. And I promise you, we will never get to that. We will quit before you get in this game, Ben. So you take those pants off. I'm surprised you even got them on. Slash cower.

I was in a meeting until the rest of the executive teams, a retiree had passed away. I wasn't a hundred percent positive when they asked for a name. So I gave them the first name that came to my mind to mine. Everyone in the room is filled with shock and wanted to know if we send anything to the family. If we at least reached out, couldn't believe he had died was so young, et cetera. After a few minutes of this, I finally felt I needed to say something said, okay, sort of think I might have the wrong retirees name.

I got several like, are you serious faces? And then I texted a colleague to confirm. After a short wait, I got the response. I was able to let everyone know, in fact, I did have the wrong retiree. It's like Nick. Something Nick would do. Yeah, just tell everybody, this guy's dead. And then once you question it, you're like, I think. You're watching people taking it really, really hard. You're like, this is a little bit more. Yeah. I didn't think it would be this much of a thing. I mean, I said retiree.

And then they're like, oh, Bob. And then everybody's like, I didn't even like that guy. Yeah, and then they start, they go, oh, okay, oh, that's good. Yeah.

All right, this week, we are back to topics. I know people, I think we talked about it. We're back to topics the original way. Oh, yeah. So don't worry about it. I tried something. We felt the backlash.

So we're back. We've been back, if you've been watching. Just like with jokes, the most mundane things are some of the fun. People like it when we talk about something just very boring that we know nothing about. And today we're going to scratch that itch. We're going to talk about the Founding Fathers. Do you know any of the Founding Fathers? Benjamin Franklin? Yeah. Moses? Moses. Thomas Edison? Yeah.

Michael Scott. Seinfeld. Henry Ford. Ben Franklin. They're all names that you... No, I know. Yeah, I'm just blanking. George Washington. Yeah, George Washington. Thomas Jefferson. Thomas Jefferson, that's right. John Adams. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've heard of all of these guys. I would love to not have heard of one. There was one that I did not know no ways as well as the other ones. Benjamin Rush?

I don't even know who that is. Yeah. So yeah, I guess him. Who is? He's a founding father? I've heard the name before. So founding fathers can be a bunch of guys. There's seven guys, though, that are considered the principal founding fathers. That's who I was talking about. George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, Benjamin Franklin, Alexander Hamilton, James Madison, and the one not as well known to me, John Jay. John Jay. I would never...

Imagine the John Jay family. You'd feel terrible for them. What does Jay stand for? J-A-Y. I know. I'm kidding. I've seen the name before. I don't know what he did. He was the first Supreme Court Justice. Oh. Just by himself for a while? Well, the first Chief Justice, maybe. Why didn't it ever take off, though? John Jay... What do you mean? You know, I mean, the other ones are... They're big deals. Big household names. Yeah, they're household names. This guy's an afterthought. John Jay is like...

I mean, I would think that when they invited, when they had parties, they forgot to call him. And they go, oh my, just, no, don't take pictures. No pic, don't do any paintings. Cause, just no one ever said, don't, we didn't have this party. I forgot. JJ. Just somehow snuck in the room. We started signing everything. Uh,

These guys were, when they were founding the country, I always thought of them as very old. Yeah, me too. Besides Ben Franklin, the rest of these guys, pretty young by my standards. John Jay was 43.

I mean, look at him there. Yeah. Alexander Hamilton was 33 when he became Secretary of Treasury. John Adams, 40. Washington, 43. Thomas Jefferson, 33 when he wrote the Declaration of Independence. Wow. Yeah. They're all like my age. Yeah. Like imagine me founding a country. Yeah. Aaron Land. Aaron Land. You kind of did. I did. What's your Declaration of Independence to you? I, the person.

Is it like when you want to leave this podcast and do your own thing? Yeah, it kind of did. Oh, wow. Declaration of Independence from Nateland. From Nateland. I'll have to draft one of those. Yeah. We hold these truths to be self-evident. To be germane. Here's the only line from the Declaration of Independence I've ever even heard. We the people. We hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their creator with certain and illegal rights, that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And women are not as...

They don't matter as much. I don't know if that – is that in there? Yeah. It's a parenthetical. It's kind of given. It's understood. Back in that day. All men are created equal. Women are obviously less, way less than us. What if they just had something? And you're like, I don't know if you need that. Whoa, whoa, whoa. They go, oh, but I think it's implied. What if that's how we find out? It's understood. It'd be great to see like a pre-draft, just some crazy stuff they wrote in there.

I know inalienable was Benjamin Franklin. He was like, you got to put that word in. Oh, really? Yeah. It was the original draft from Thomas Jefferson said something else. Thomas Jefferson wrote it because they said he was the best writer. They gave input, but they said, you write it. Oh, that's like no one wants to write. They passed it off on him. I mean, because back then you had to write with like a pen. You had to dip it in ink. Yeah. I mean, it was a nightmare. Yeah.

They don't have whiteout. And when you look at it, it's so like this curse has got to be so drawn out. I mean, it's probably a full-on year trying to write that out. You got to write it better than just like, yo, dude, this ain't like a regular thing. You got to be like, you know, like really take it serious. Yeah. You're the best writer. Why don't you? Yeah, yeah. Everybody just teams up. Yeah. John Jay's. Yeah. And you're like, John, why don't you do it, dude? You need this more than I need it.

Everyone knows who I am. Everybody, dude, I'm crushing it right now. I saw a very funny story on, I saw a TikTok actually, but then I read about it online. James Madison was like the go-to ghostwriter in that early era. So George Washington was like, write a letter to, right when he became president, he goes, write a letter to Congress saying,

Just letting them know, I appreciate them. I'm excited to have this job, whatever. So he writes a letter, they deliver it. And then Congress hires James Madison, write a letter back to George Washington and tell him, thank you. We're excited. So this happened like three or four times. He's just writing letters to and from him. He's writing to himself, just letters like, what's up? Thanks. Appreciate it. I was like, how, you know, like when you see, like when you think about that though, back in that time, like that seems like such a hassle.

It's not like, you know, like right now, you'd be like, just send an email out to like- Yeah, text them. You text them or like, you might write a letter, mail a letter or whatever. But like, it would take, I mean, it's Georgia, Washington. I guess they were all there. They're all kind of in the same- Yeah, in the same area. But it's funny to be like, you have to, I don't know. I guess that picture don't be in farther apart. Yeah, but if you're 10 miles apart, that's a lifetime still. Yeah, that's true. Can be. Can be, yeah. It's even before the Pony Express. Yeah. Yeah, so it'd be a long, he's like-

He's like, how about no? Like if you're James Madison, you go, I'm not doing that. I'm just. I'm not. He would go, all right, I got it. Yeah, I'll take care of it. I'll take care of it. And I would just get on your horse, spend the night somewhere, wake up the next day. GW loves it. Having a great time with you guys. And the guy, it's awesome, man. He goes, well, write a letter. We'd like you to write a letter and make it a little more professional. And he goes, absolutely. I'm all over it. All over it.

Spends the night, wakes up. Congress, thrilled. Just, I mean, the stuff they were saying, it's crazy.

Do you know how far Paul Revere rode when he was alerting people the British are coming? Okay. In my mind, like the mythology of it, hundreds of miles, but I'm guessing it was nowhere near. I think it was around a block. I think he walked the horse around the block. I don't know the answer to this. I was hoping you really knew. This is not a trick question. No, I have no idea. I think I've done the route that Paul Revere has been on. Oh, really? I, of course, don't remember. Oh, you know what? I have the answer if you want to guess. Okay.

I'll say. I mean, this is the city. I think I've walked it. This is an iconic ride. There's poems and folk songs about it. It's American folklore. How long do you think he rode? You're setting it up to be small. So I'll say two miles. No, a little more than that. 10. Yeah, it's closer. 12.5 miles. Yeah. That he rode, which I guess maybe that's more impressive on a horse.

Yeah, I mean, how fast is a horse going? It's almost a half marathon. Let's assume an average speed of 15 miles per hour. Oh. Because this was all about urgency. This was about getting the message out quick. So he was probably on a fierce little gallop there. So that's, yeah, that's about an hour if he does 15 miles an hour. Yeah. And he goes, yeah, but probably an hour after the horse like.

I'm sure there's some stuff came up and people go, what? Yeah, exactly. And he has to stop and goes, the British are coming. And you get, what? Because the British. What did he say? No, the British. He goes, I don't know. The British. The British are coming. Where? Here. They want to kill you. Yeah.

Like the townspeople don't even know there's a war going on. They're like, what are you doing? Yeah. Come on, dude. It's late. Hey, what time is it? Midnight. Yeah. It's my midnight ride. Yeah. What time was it? I think it was at midnight. Yeah. It was called the midnight ride of Paul Revere, but you know. Well, everybody's asleep. Yeah. That's true. Well, that's how you had to wake them up. They're like, what? What did he say? The British is coming. You could have told me this in the morning. Yeah. What did it go back down to one of those questions people also ask? Uh,

uh it's paul revere it was a famous silversmith yeah because on the west wing uh president here we go chad bartlett passes down a uh a knife made by paul revere he gives it to charlie that's good it's worth looking into you get you to get there pretty soon if you kept watching yeah yeah episode four no it's it's pretty deep in actually yeah i think it's like season three

Yeah, maybe I'll get into it. It's there. It's out there, man. It's not going away. It's not going away. There's no rush. All right, so the Declaration of Independence was proclaimed on July 4th, 1776. I don't know why they picked that day because of the 4th of July.

You guys know what would be good? We might as well do it on Independence Day. We can wind this up. Yeah. He goes, you know what? He goes, I think we'll be done with it about early July. And he goes, that's perfect. Fourth of July, right then. I've got an idea. We're doing fireworks anyway, so we might as well just do the whole thing. Might as well have a reason. Huh? Might as well have a reason for it. Might as well. What day was it for? It was firework day. Fourth of July.

It's invention and fireworks. Might as well throw this in there with it. They give it to Jefferson III. We need this done by tomorrow. Are you kidding me? Yeah. I did a lot of them sign it later. Isn't that a thing? Only a few of them signed it on July 4th.

I don't know about that, but John Hancock, of course, his favorite famous put your John Hancock here. It's because he wrote so big on the declaration. It's so much bigger than everyone else. The theory is that he went first and didn't realize so many other people were going to be signing. Oh yeah. Which is so funny thing because we've signed posters or walls of comedy clubs. Yeah. And you don't know any depth. You know, you've taken up half the space. Yeah. So they think that's what he did. He went first.

Or he's one of the first ones. You don't think he was making a statement? I don't know. It would be, yeah. Golly, that is crazy, dude. His is huge. But if he went first, he was like, I don't know. There's four of us? Yeah. I mean, look how John Morton's on there. How do you sneak on there? You know? And there's people that have no... Rob Morris. Joseph Hughes. Oh, there's Benjamin Rush.

Benjamin Rush is on there. But that's like the opener at a club. Like, why is this guy's name even on the wall? It looked like it was his. It would be like his thing. He barely had to do anything with it. You could argue John Hanka is only remembered because of this.

Yeah, that's for sure. That's what he's most known for. Oh, yeah, by far. I think he was the presiding. Imagine if they come back alive and everybody's like, he's like Benjamin Franklin. Everybody's like, wow, that's crazy. You're telling me why you know all these people. And then John Hancock, he goes, John Hancock, and everybody claps. And they're like, you signed, you remember that day you signed that thing too big? And he's like, yeah. He goes, yeah.

That caught on. It became a whole thing. That became a whole thing. You're in movies. Everybody says, sign your John Hancock right here. I mean, you're just a saint. That's all you are. That's all you are. Where's Thomas Edison? Thomas Edison? Thomas Jefferson. We're serious about that. Yeah. Rob Morris? It's Thomas Jefferson.

Well, that may have been before everyone was done. Scroll down. Let me find a different one. Oh, we got one when they weren't all done yet. Sorry. I'm telling you, there. I guess we're just looking it up to go, oh, this was July 7th. I don't think they could. We couldn't get Thomas Jefferson there until August. I just did a theater with Leanne. I think it was Greensboro. And when we were leaving-

They clearly just meant it for her, but we were together. So they were so nice. They said, we want y'all to sign our poster. You're already on there. But it was Sting. I mean, it was some big names on there. And clearly, they didn't really want me to. They were just being nice. So I just walked away, not while she had signed it. But it's an awkward situation sometimes where you know people really don't want you to sign something, but they feel like they have to. Yeah. Yeah.

Right? Yeah. I don't know what you're asking me. I mean, you just asked me to ask you this question. What's that like? You're asking me. I understand it. Yeah. What's it like when you were with Chris Rock and they, and they, here we go. Now we got some, some of the more heavy hitters on there. There's Thomas Jefferson. He went with a TH Jefferson. Well, cause it does power move, dude. Yeah. Well, dude, John Hancock is hilarious. Like,

It is funny. There's part of me that thinks, I hope John Hancock was just a wonderful person and nice. And he was like, dude, I'm mortified. I'm so sorry. He goes, I wanted to... And it's also like, yo, dude, we can't rewrite this thing. It's a whole thing to rewrite. It's so much writing. It's so much. I mean, look how many people this is. There's a lot of people.

I didn't realize it. It's pretty crazy. It's crazy that they wrote all this. Look at Lewis Morris over there with the swirls. Yeah. This right here. Yeah, they're really getting after it. These guys are trying to make their mark. John Hancock did it accidentally. I mean, John Hancock has the best signature. That's for sure. John Adams, kind of no nonsense. Look at John Adams and Sam Adams. Just no nonsense. All those are better than what we would do today. Famous for the beer.

Yeah. So. Is it Johnny Hancock? Is that an insurance company? And they made him for financial? Hancock, right? It's just called Hancock. Did Sam Adams, did he bring beer? I don't know if he was a brewer, but I think it's named after him, right? Yeah. He was a tax collector. I know that. He would refuse to collect taxes from people. Everybody loved him.

I know the thing you're talking about in Boston where you walk the trail. I don't think that's Paul Revere's. I think that's something similar where you see all those historical things along the way. I can't remember what that's called. I think I did Paul Revere's. Oh, well, maybe. Did he do it in Boston? Lexington and Concord, right? No, the shot heard around the world. Who? Lexington and Concord. Oh, yeah. That's what they call it. Oh, yeah.

All right, so there's a lot of people. It is impressive that they did all, like, you know, so they all just talked about it and came up with the best. It's a lot of people, man. Yeah. It's a lot of people. This is letting the king of England know that we want to do our own thing. We want to be independent. Yeah. We don't want you anymore.

Washington, of course, became the first president. How did they do? Do they make a copy of this? I mean, they can't make a copy. So is there one? I think that they, yeah, I mean, no, they made copies and they sent one to England. I think they kept one. I think the one that we have at the museum now is the one that was sent to England. I think we got it back somehow. Yeah. But you'd make copies of these. Just rewrite it. That's all they did was just write these. Yeah. But would they trace? No.

Yeah, would they trace the... Is John Hancock's name big on every one? Oh, with the signatures. Oh, that's interesting. No, I think they probably had to send the original with the signatures. Yeah. Okay. They traced the signature. I didn't even think about that. Where is it at in DC? Yeah. I think so. Yeah. Yep. John Adams became the first vice president and he said the role insulted him. He called it the most insignificant office that had ever been invented by man. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah.

It's kind of like the theme of Veep. Well, it's funny to be the first. It's like you're the first, though. But maybe he didn't like George Washington. Benjamin Franklin. Maybe. Sorry. Benjamin Franklin had a...

A lot of fun. You and Benjamin Franklin would get along pretty well. I think so. Oh, yeah. One of his plans came up with was to rearrange the alphabet and eliminate some letters that he didn't feel like was necessary. Yeah. He wanted to get rid of C, J, Q, W, X, and Y. Why not? Get rid of them, dude. He said we didn't need them. He said there's another letter already that can make those sounds. I mean, that is U to a T. Yeah. Yeah, there is other letters. Why would you even? Yeah. Yeah.

Like for C, you can either use a K to make the sound or S to make the sound. Yeah, why have all these redundancies built in? Yeah. I'm for it. So he wanted to get rid of them. It didn't take off. He also... That's another thing you run off of back then. When you're typing everything out, you're like, what are we doing, everybody? You have to write everything. We're sitting in letters. Our whole life is writing.

let's get to the point that's his main platform when he's running yeah trying to save everybody he would love texting now yeah his words like lmk like or whatever the you know whatever the i mean he would just be like all about well he ran a print shop and he had to do the putting the letters in you know to put all those letters in one by one upside down and backwards because it was stamped down yeah

So I'm sure he was tired of all this. I'm sure he was. He was also not a fan of some of the scientific stuff that they were doing again. Yeah. So he wrote a letter, a text to the Royal Academy of Brussels. He said they were focused on impractical science and he titled it Fart Proudly. And he was advocating for the breakthrough and making toots more pleasant smelling.

He was just messing with them, but he was basically showing how ridiculous some of their ideas were. So he called it fart practice. He was a pretty fun guy. Yeah, dude. Yeah. This is Ben Franklin, right? Yeah. So he's an old man doing this at this point, probably. Probably. Yeah. He and John Adams took a trip together. They stayed at a hotel. They argued over whether the window should be open or closed. Yeah.

Adams believed the night air could lead to colds. Franklin was fond of the light breeze, so he dismissed the notion as nonsense and advocated for fresh air. Franklin won. Adams died two weeks later from a cold. That last part's a lie, but everything else was true. Yeah. Come on now. It's funny that they even have this. How do you even have that story?

On a podcast when they talked about traveling together. Yeah. Well, these guys would just write letters to each other nonstop. Yeah. Because you got to think, there's no phone calls or anything. That's the only way they keep in touch. Yeah. So a lot of this we know from these personal letters. I have a great quote. They wrote a letter and he said, was it like Ben Franklin? Like, I stayed with John Adams last night. Probably. Let me tell you. Good night. This guy...

It was 100 degrees, and I asked to open the window. He's not even next to the window. He's in the other bed. He goes, I don't know why we share a room, dude. Like Tommy Boy. You're vice president. Get your own room. And then I had, oh, you know, I don't want to open the window. I'm vice president. And I said, you don't even respect the job that you have. You think you're above it.

Windows stays open. I invent electricity. The Tamer of Lightning. The Tamer of Lightning. What does that mean? Pretty sweet title. He was good with his experiments with the key and the kite and learning about electricity. That's what he was called, the Tamer of Lightning. He invented lightning. He invented lightning. When he died, 20,000 people attended his funeral, two-thirds of Philadelphia's population at the time. Ben Franklin? Yeah. Yeah. He showed up for John Adams. Yeah.

Not that many. Not that many. He was not well-liked. In fact, I was going to pull up a quote. John Adams was not well-liked? No. Well, he was very ornery and just had none of the charisma, none of the people skills that Benjamin Franklin did. So they would spar with each other all the time, John Adams and Ben Franklin. But this is a great quote from a newspaper. They called John Adams a hideous, hermaphroditical character who has neither the force and firmness of a man nor the gentleness and sensibility of a woman. So he's just nothing. Nothing.

They're basically saying he's nothing. That's a pretty harsh roast. As harsh as it gets back then. Yeah. Not a well-liked guy. Yeah, that's when they're doing duels. Like, that's crazy. That's so mean that you're like, those words hurt. And literally people would do duels in the street and it was legal. Like, to stick some stones things. You're like, that's a little bit hard, man. Wow, that's crazy.

Didn't you say Benjamin Franklin was the first celebrity in America? He was world famous. You don't even think about this at the time, but if you look at this list back of people who signed the Declaration of Independence...

Benjamin Franklin's the only one who's world famous and well known. I mean, he's the most famous American in the world. He's the tamer of lightning. He invented the almanac. He had pioneered all this. He done all this stuff when he signed it. When he was way younger. Yeah, he's 70 when he signed this. He's lived more than a full life up until this point. So he's world famous. All these other guys weren't known yet. Yeah, exactly. I mean, this would be like, I can't even think of a comparison like that.

Elon Musk? Yeah, somebody like that who's doing this. It's pretty crazy. Yeah, it might be Elon Musk. Someone that's going to Mars and going to... Right. I would say like a Steve Jobs maybe at his peak. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Yeah. I wonder if Ben, you think he really even cared about this? Maybe he was too old? I think he did. Yeah. He could be like, I'll sign it. He's like... He's like, I'm not coming to every meeting.

When they signed the Constitution, his mind was still good, but his body was deteriorating. He was in constant pain because of gout and having a stone in his bladder and could barely walk. So he entered the convention hall in a chair carried by four prisoners from the local jail. That's a different time. They have work release programs now for jailers. I can see them doing that. That's pretty demeaning, though. Was the will not invented? No.

They don't have a wheelchair? I mean, like, there's not... I mean, is there not a wheelchair? I would think there would have been. Where's the wheelchair invented? Oh, good question. Like, is it not like... He's like, no, I want four guys to carry me. No, because I don't like these wheelchairs. I want to look strong. What the hell? 1933. Oh. That we had our first wheelchair. I think there was some type of chair back then on wheels. Probably. Probably.

Oh, the first self-propelled. Wow. Two very different dates that I just found. This one says 1655. Oh, and that looks like a more regular one. I know. I think that was maybe the 1933 was like in an electric or a propelled one. Yeah, so they were around. They were around, but he just wanted to be carried in on a chair. Right? Yeah.

All right. So then Washington comes first person. His white hair, not a wig. That was his actual hair. Really? Oh, really? Most people think that's a wig. Oh. But he did color it powdered white and styled it each morning. How did he color it? What are you putting it on? I don't know. Can you imagine just seeing this dude in real life right now? I mean, if he came up to you, you'd be like, what are you doing, dude?

I feel like John Jay looked kind of like him, except his hair wasn't white. John Jay did look similar, yeah. But it's like such a weird, you know, I just got like a golf shirt on, right? I mean, you'd be like, what, man? I don't even want to, I don't think I could even talk to you. Talk to you, yeah. Like if he sits down and goes, I'd like to talk to you, like I don't have, whatever you want to get into, I don't.

I can't do it today. And it looks like you want to get into a lot. Like that's what it, everything they're wearing. It looks, it looks like, let me guess the world's falling apart and you want to talk about just everything. They wanted him to run for a third, a third time for president, but he declined. He wanted to go back to being a regular citizen because he said they don't want to become like what they just left, which was a monarch, a king.

And so that's how they said you can only do it twice? No, that came later. At that time, he could have done it, but he just chose not to because he didn't want that trend to start. Yeah. So then the Constitution comes along where they got to come up with some rules and some laws, and they held a convention. The best minds, most of the same guys, come up with it. Washington didn't think it'd work. He said, I give it 20 years. The Constitution? Yeah. Yeah.

Thomas Jefferson didn't even sign it. He was in France during the time. So there's a lot of spelling errors in the Constitution. Pennsylvania spelled wrong. They paid a guy $30 to write it. $30. It's equivalent to $830 today. To write the Constitution. It's got 4,500 words.

Did they tell him what to write? Yeah, they told him what to write. He didn't, but it's just like, you said Thomas Jefferson, like was he, so they, so they probably all met. They talked about what they should do. This is just what they were doing back then. Like they would just get together and be like, let's met up some rules. George Washington. Yeah. They had a constitutional convention. Yeah. They've had a guy 30 bucks. I don't know, dude, here's a 10 spot. If you don't mind writing.

Probably the most important thing in the world. What do you want me to put in there, man? Just put stuff in. Don't ask questions like that. Nobody's going to read this. Don't read that. They give it 20 years. Did I 30 bucks? I think it's 32 minutes. I have a great Thomas Jefferson in France story. I was reading about Thomas Jefferson in the 1780s. We've won the war. America's its own country. He's serving as the U S ambassador to France. So he's in France and,

And he's talking to this guy who's like a naturalist over there, a scientist. His name is Count Buffoon. Buffoon? Kind of like that, Buffoon. He's talking to him, and he realizes that France, they have this theory that the air in the Americas is so bad that it prevents you from excelling or growing in any way. Because they're like, why is the only person we've ever heard of from America Benjamin Franklin? Why aren't they producing more exceptional people? Yeah.

And they go, it has to be the environment. I think it's still a swampland over there. Yeah. And they just keep breathing in this air. And that's why all your animals are small and boring and lame. Yeah. Thomas Jefferson's like, what are y'all talking about, dude? And then they had this, they also think that even if you're fine in Europe, you go to the Americas, you will shrink and become worse. So as the ambassador to France, he's like, well, this is definitely going to hurt like

immigration and tourism if people think that this will happen. So he's like, we got huge animals. And Count Buffoon's like, nah, dude, no, you don't. He goes, we have moose. He goes, show me a moose. So Jefferson, for a year, he writes people to America, kill a moose and send it to me in France. I need to prove to these guys that we have big animals and nobody will kill one for me. Then finally, the governor of some state, I think it's New Hampshire,

They spot a moose like 20 miles off the road. They kill it. It takes 14 days to drag this dead moose to a ship where they can ship it over to France. By the time it gets there, it's all decayed. Yeah. It's antlers have fallen off. It's shrunken up. The bones are broken. They're like, Oh, this doesn't look good at all. So they, they added some antlers from like caribou and regular deer. And they were like, just mix and match. So they said, I'm just this rotted corpse.

And then he gets it and he shows it to him. He puts antlers from like an elk on this moose body. And it's like, look, we got awesome animals over there. And then I don't know how it played out, but that's what happened. I kept waiting for the word buffoon to come from the story. Like a guy got tricked or something. No, no, just a coincidence. Yeah. Count buffoon.

I think he said it like that because I think everybody would go, oh, you're like Mr. Buffoon? And he goes, it's buffoon. Buffoon. And they go, all right. Count today, buffoon. I don't know if I'm buying that. He goes, what are you, the buffoon family? No. The buffoons. The buffoons. Very nice and wealthy.

Whatever, Mr. Buffoon. Yeah. Is that you, the guy that had Thomas Jefferson ship up a, you said you thought that was a moose antlers? Buffoon. You're a count? Yeah. Count the buffoon.

Since 1952, the Constellation... How small were the animals that they thought they... Were those like squirrels? I think so. I mean, they just had no idea. They thought everything was smaller over there. What animals do they have that's... Basically all the same stuff. Yeah. I think at one point he was like, we have moose. And they're like, listen, you guys probably saw like a reindeer. Yeah. And you think it's a moose. And Jefferson was like,

Your reindeer could walk under our moose. Like, through the gauntlet down. That's why he had to get one over there to prove it to him. But it takes, like, months to ship something. So it's just a rotted mess of flesh. I mean, just the nightmare of, like...

There's no picture. I mean, just like, it should have been like, will you come over? Yeah, we'll show you. Come over and see. I'll show you. Yeah, I'll show you. And I bet if Thomas Jefferson heard me say that, he'd go. Pretty good plan. Should have thought of that. You know, he even wanted to go. And I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no. You wait here. I'll bring it here. I'll bring it here. Why didn't he just go kill a moose over there and just say, this moose is from there?

What do you mean? Like, they don't have moose. Not, I don't think, I think they're a little bit different. But he wanted it to be truthful, like to have an animal that was over there. Yeah. But then it became non-truthful. Oh, yeah, then he did mix it up, put the other antlers on it. You're right. They may not even seen any bears or anything like that yet. They may not even know we had them yet. That's a good point. A bear would have been good, too.

There are a lot of better options than what he did. It's crazy to be coming to America. You go to America and you just don't know how far it goes. You're just there and you're like, how big is this? I mean, it is crazy just even right now. Think back then. If you could show them a globe, they would be like, wow, dude. I had no idea that this was possible.

This much stuff out there. They're just that far into the East Coast. Yeah. They're like, I thought that was a lot. They barely scratched the surface. Not even. Yeah. It's not even. I mean, it's so much. I don't know why they didn't go get Canada. I think that was the French had it, right? Yeah, I guess so.

Nate's like, yeah, that makes sense. They go, this is ours, ours, ours, ours, ours. I don't really care about that. No, no, no. You go to Mexico, they're like, that's fine there. They can stay down there. We take Florida. All right. The Constitution's on display at the National Archives building in D.C. It's been there since 1952.

The case it's in contains argon gas, and it's kept at 67 degrees Fahrenheit with a relative humidity at 40% to keep it from being damaged. So it couldn't be stolen? Could be. Wouldn't that be one of the- That'd be if you stole it. Nicholas Cage movies? Yeah, where would you sell it? I guess you could sell it to another country. Yeah. Yeah.

Like ransom? Yeah. I mean, that's what you'd almost, you'd have to like, I guess you could sell it. You always see people, they always have to sell it in the black market or something. But you're like, who's going to be, if you have the Constitution, you want people to know you have it, but you can't get caught having it. We had this exact discussion when we were talking about people stealing the Mona Lisa. Yeah.

You want to hang it up at your house, but people know the Mona Lisa's gone. Yeah. What do you do with it? Yeah. You know? I would say give it... That's why I'd go to another country that doesn't like...

Like, you know, if you're like, you go get to China or Russia, you know, y'all want it? And they'd be like, yeah, I'll buy it. And then they're like, then you need a country that's going to be like, yeah, you want to come get it? Come get it. Like, you know. What was the plot of National Treasure? Why were they stealing it? Do you remember? They find out that the Declaration of Independence has a secret message written in a visible ink on the back of it. And they ask them, can we just take a look at it? And they're like, no, you guys are idiots. So they have to steal it.

And then they literally pour like lemon juice on the back of it and reveal the hidden message of where Treasure is. Is that movie fun? It is a fun movie. All right, I need to watch it. It is unironically fun and pretty good. Yeah. The first one. The next date. It's like when he kidnaps the president. You're like, all right, this is getting a little crazy. I might be on board with all this. When the Constitution was signed, only white male property owners could vote.

Which I believe means until you got married, you would not have been able to vote. That is true. Thanks for throwing me under the bus. There's somebody who doesn't own property. Oh, yeah. Because you don't own property. Yeah. I mean, just think. You think, I'm a white guy. I got to show up to vote. Where do you live? Well, gazebo apartments. Yeah. Sorry, buddy. You got to go. Yeah. Gazebo apartments. That was my first apartment. That's very specific. All right. I mentioned about Franklin having gout.

They originally wanted to call the president, his highness, the president of the United States of America and protector of their liberties. But then they decided to just compromise and call it president of the United States. POTUS. POTUS. POTUS is a good, like that's a good abbreviation. POTUS. V-POTUS. Huh? Yeah, FLOTUS. FLOTUS. Yeah. Yeah, it's all good. When I worked in news, we went by the...

AP News style, Associated Press. And you're supposed to address the president either as President so-and-so or Mr. So-and-so. One of your references. Never call him just by his last name.

No, man. I feel like that's all anybody does now. They might now, but that's what you're supposed to do. I mean, just in general. Just people. People do, but... Obama, Trump, Biden. Oh, you say... You're supposed to say either President Biden or Mr. Biden. Yeah. Just don't say Biden said this. Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's good, like, some of that, like, having that stuff. We talked about, like, it's good to have that stuff. Like, where you got to say, like, they should be like that. Yeah.

You know, we always say president. It's not a bad thing to have some rules. Formalities, yeah. Formalities. Need a little bit of them. Need a little bit. One of the things they proposed was the army can be no more than 5,000 men. And George Washington sarcastically said, okay, that's fine as long as we put in a stipulation that no invading army can have more than 3,000 men. Yeah.

That's pretty good, right? That's funny. Yeah. All right. Benjamin Franklin suggested that they have a chaplain open with a prayer, and they refused, saying, we don't have enough money to hire a chaplain. We just spent 30 bucks getting this Constitution written. We're out of funds.

Some of the guys would not sign it until they had a Bill of Rights, which is the first 10 amendments to the Constitution. The Constitution's added 27 amendments since it was originally written. The first 10 was done pretty quick. Most people know the first two. One's freedom of speech. Two's the right to bear arms. After that, I don't know if I could have told you another one. Keep holy the Sabbath? No.

Speed limits. The Ten Commandments. Speed limits. The 12th Amendment. Speed limits. Shall not speed over 65. Is it? No. The third one. Search and seizure is what? The fifth? No, that's Fourth Amendment.

The third one's crazy because the first two are so well known. Yeah. The third one is you don't have to be forced to house a soldier in your home. Oh, quartering, quartering troops. Oh yeah. John Mulaney has a very funny joke about it. Just how that was such a big problem. They had to get right to it. Yeah.

But apparently it was during the early wars. Yeah. And I think there was a Supreme Court case I read about recently where all the prison guards in New York went on strike, and they called in the National Guard to watch the prisoners until they figured this out. And they let the National Guard stay in the guards' prison.

government-issued homes. Oh, wow. And then they argued the Third Amendment saying they don't have to allow them to do that. I don't think it's ever went before the U.S. Supreme Court. It's like the only amendment that has it maybe, but it did go for like the New York Supreme Court or Federal Court or whatever. Wow. It's always crazy how they wrote all this stuff. I know. I mean, it's unreal. It's unreal that that's even...

That one would come into play now. Like, it's pretty, like, you know, when you hear about them, you're like, these dudes were just had to be the smartest dudes ever. Like, you're like, I mean, you're so long ago. How could you ever predict anything? Crazy. Yeah. The Fifth Amendment, we usually hear that. We plead the Fifth. What's the Fourth? Do you have that on there? The Fourth is... Search and seizure? Yeah. Okay. Okay.

Yeah, that's where you got to have a warrant. Right. And there was a case recently I saw where a guy was a DUI and they were pursuing him and he pulled into his house and pulled into the garage and the guy followed him into his home and arrested him. But he didn't have a warrant. Yeah. So I think it went all the way to Supreme Court and the...

I guess one because the guy didn't have proper... You can't just go into someone's home and arrest them even if you were pursuing them. Right. Oh, wow. So that's like... Yeah. I think you can like if it's obvious like you got your lights blazing and you've been chasing them for 20 miles. I think in this case it was a very short thing. It just started when the guy pulled into his garage and therefore they ruled in the guy's favor. Yeah. So if you ever drink and drive and just get home...

As fast as you possibly can. Yeah. That's the message of the Fourth Amendment. Is that what amendment is that? Fourth? Yeah. Fourth Amendment. Little tipsy. You're on the road right now. Gun it. That's it. Get to your house in the garage or something. That's right after the Speed Limit Amendment. Right after the Speed Limit Amendment. They got all the car stuff up top. Don't worry about the Speed Limit Amendment because you need to get in. You are drunk. You're already driving a car.

So the Fifth Amendment is the one where you don't have to testify against yourself or even say anything. That's like the Miranda rights. Yeah. So you can just always say, that's just something that says I plead the Fifth and they just don't have to answer. Yeah. So you don't get... That's against yourself. Yeah, you can't be forced to testify against yourself. Yeah. They can plead the Fifth Amendment. But when you plead the Fifth Amendment, you have to do it for every question. You can't just...

You can't just plead the fifth for individual questions. They should do it for the way they walk baseball players now, where they just don't throw the four pitches. They go, just go ahead. Yeah, you're right. I think they do. That's an unbelievable analogy. That's perfect. Yeah. Yeah. Why are we going to waste everybody's time? Just go on ahead. How many are you going to do? Get out of here. R.

but if you were like, want to be annoying, you'd go, I'll answer. I'm going to answer one of them. You got to, and they go, yeah, they go, which one? I'll know which one. I'll know when I get there. And then, then they go, there was, uh, there's a story, a reason that made me think this. So my managers are Brillstein. He wrote a book, Bernie Brillstein, uh,

And he's, he died, but Brillstein was like a brilliant dude, like in Hollywood. Like, and so, uh, Brillstein, it was Brillstein gray, I think for a while. And then it was, uh, then it was just, now it's Brillstein. And so, uh, when Bernie Brillstein was like coming up, he was like a good, like, I remember Giannis always told me this about when he read his book, like you knew the, let's make sure I thought Holly was behind me. Uh, he knew, uh,

He would say instead of show business, it's show business, not business show. Very pro artist. You know, the entertainer, whatever. He was very pro that. Like being like, it's that. It's about them. It's not about the business. It's about, you know, the entertainer. But he was like great at like fighting with these studios against stuff. And supposedly there's a story with Ed O'Neill.

When he's doing... Modern Family? No. Married with Children? Married with Children. So it's like the first season of it, like doing it. And he's, Ed, like, he's like driving to you. And now the show's like a hit. And he's like asking for, you know, because it's the biggest show ever. And so this is back when, like, back then they gave away...

They gave, they gave like cars away and stuff like they gave, like you would get like, if you, you could be like, Hey, my Tom Cruise wants, he wants a helicopter. Like, I don't know. Why don't you buy him a helicopter? If you think so, like they, they would do stuff like that. Yeah. And so, but like Ed O'Neill at the top was like, or I think might be, I'm making that up, but yeah.

Ed O'Neill wanted like, he wasn't asking for any of this, but like Bernie was like, I'll talk. Like, you know, doing it to be like, I'm going to go get this stuff from my client. I mean, you know, Bernie would look at it like, you guys are making billions of dollars. You're going to give more than, you're going to give something to this. Here's a reason, one of the reasons you're watching this, the number one show, you know, everybody's watching. And he had like a car, I forget what kind of car it is. He goes, he wants...

They start negotiating the price and they get it way up. And he's like, he's not going to show up, man, if he doesn't blah, blah, blah stuff. I don't think Ed O'Neill has anything to do with this. He's just kind of like, I don't know. And then finally, they're like, all right, dude, we're going to end up paying it, whatever. And he goes, he's not. Well, it took a long time for you to say this. He goes, he wants. I'm trying to think of this story exactly right. He goes, he likes foreign cars.

And then, wait, hold on. I want to make sure I get the thing. Maybe, oh, no. Maybe it's the money. Something like that. He goes, well, how much money does he want? And Bernie goes, I don't know. He goes, I mean, I think I'll know when I hear it. And it was such a good answer to go like, I don't, you know, it's hard to say, but I think when I hear it, I'll know. Yeah, you go ahead and throw some numbers at me. Yeah, yeah.

And then it was either that or the car was like, what kind of car is it? And he goes, I think I know one here. But they got him a car and because he was like driving to whatever car and they were like, do you want your star to be pulling up? And like, yeah. And so they got him like some new car. Like, is this stuff that I don't even know if Ed O'Neill asked for? Right. But it was like, and then he went back and his clients like, he's like, dude, this is crazy. Like, yeah, I'm all this stuff.

That made me think of whatever that, I'll know when I hear it. I'll know when I hear it. Such a good way to say it. I'll know when I hear it. Yeah, what question are you going to ask me? Yeah. I'll know when I hear the question. Yeah, that's so funny because I think you can. If you know they're going to plead the fifth, just, Your Honor, move on. Yeah. But if he did that where there's one I'm going to answer, I ain't going to tell you. I plead the fifth except for one question. Which one? I'll know when you get it. Yeah. What's your name?

Plead the fifth. And they're like, that was going to be it. And then, did you do it? Yes. And you're like, well, now that was completely worth it. It's not what I was expecting. Yeah. He goes, wow. And the guy's like, he goes, wow.

Hold on. I've pleaded the fifth on that. You can't retroactively. You can't. Can't take it back. No take backs. That's the sixth amendment. No, that's the fifth. No take backs. The fifth is actually double jeopardy where you can't try someone twice. So they've been tried for murder and they get off and then they find, I guess, more evidence. You can't try them again. But if you killed someone else. Yeah, if it's a new. It's a different crime. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

You sure? You sure it's not once you, if you can murder someone and get away with it, you then are allowed to just kill whoever you want from here on out. Immunity. What if that should be, that should be it. If you're that good and we can't catch you, then you're allowed to just keep doing it. OJ just has free reign. Yeah. I mean, just everybody do whatever they want. You guys, you're a little more worried about those people, you know?

That's a great, I mean, that's one of the all-time great office lines. When you hit an employee with your car, yeah, but I was in the car. So it's double jeopardy. That's not what double jeopardy means. Oh, sorry. What is double jeopardy? I watched that movie, Double Jeopardy. Ashley Judd? Yeah. I remember seeing it. Her husband fakes his death and then he's alive.

Is that what it's about? Yeah. You just love movies from that era, huh? The 90s? Yeah. That's 1999. It's like just, you know, it's when it was good. It was pretty good. Yeah. Sixth Amendment's the right to a speedy trial and with a jury of your peers. I guess back then they could just throw you in jail and just forget about you for a really long time. So they had to give you a trial? A speedy trial, within reason. Yeah. So they came up with the word speedy?

It's just like such a proper thing. I know. Speedy. You're like, when you do a, you know, it needs to be within reason. Say speedy. It needs to be a speedy trial. I don't know if that's even a word. Is it a word? Speedy? Where else would you use speedy? Speedy Gonzalez. That's what I was thinking. Would you use speedy in any other? It was a boy rapid though. I don't know. Speedy trial. It was. And a jury of your peers. Speedy to get here? Who would be a jury of your peers? I mean.

It's got to be people on your level. When do you use it? I get all this stuff, but why would you not say like, you know. Expeditious or something like that? Yeah. Speedy, we all know what it means. But how do you use it in a sentence? Speedy? Yeah. You have a Sixth Amendment right to a speedy drive. Where else would you use it? How do you use that word in any other sentence? Did you Google speedy in a sentence? Oh, yeah.

It's the Googles. She is a speedy recovery. Speedy recovery. That's about the only other time it's used. Yeah. For recovery. How do you do speedy in a sentence? Click that question. It's catalyzed. The conference came to speedy in. He's a very speedy worker. Best wishes, the speaker. We wish Bill a speedy recovery. Four of these are speedy recovery. Oh, yeah. His speedy promotion is from sheer ability. Yeah.

I tell that guy to make seven examples. He's like, he's trying to get off work. And he goes, he goes for the same. And the other ones are just still about, he's a speedy worker. The conference came to speedy in. And then the other one is his speedy promotion is from sheer ability. It's, this is all written about the same guy. Five and seven. One is number five. We wish Bill a speedy recovery. Seven is we wish you a speedy recovery. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. That's, yeah. That's like a perfect example of someone trying to get in a big blown out argument of the word speedy. And he goes, all right, all right, I'll do it. I'll write seven. I'll write it real speedy. There's one right there. I wrote it speedy. I wrote it speedy. I wrote it speedy.

Two, you wrote it, Speedy. You wrote it. Three, Bill wrote it, Speedy. I hope you have a recovery after reading how speedy this Speedy recovery was. What? He goes, I'm about to punch you in the face and I wish you a speedy recovery.

It's like when you see those online, the top whatever, if it's an odd number, it just seems like they ran out. Yeah. Like the top 13, like whatever. They were trying to get to 15 maybe. Yeah. I just can't think of anything else. You know what it is? Statistically, an odd number generates more clicks than an even number. Really? There's a lot of data on that. So that's why you see those like top...

19 or top seven. Those get more clicks than top 10. I don't think I see a lot of time. 19 top seven. But if you look at like a nine 99 sale, like that's why similar principle, but no, this is, this is different. This just odd number of, for a list will generate more clicks than an even number.

I don't think I've ever even seen an odd number of... Keep an eye out. Next time you see lists of stuff, they're going to be odd numbers most of the time. Yeah. On a website. Top seven. There's one right there. There you go. Do a top list. Just type in a list. I don't think I've ever noticed... If you go to like... They go top 100 list, top 10, top 20. Yeah, well, those are the big... You're talking about like Rolling Stone, like top 500 list.

albums of all time yeah look 35 products you need to help 41 products but right above that's 20 times yeah well nobody's clicking on that one dude look at it look at this 33 small gifts to surprise your kids 27 valentine's day gifts 66 i mean even number you know but it's a weird number yeah 37 valentine's day you see top 10 top five top 10

This is like using numbers. I mean, I guess it is. 16. It's just odd, like weird numbers and not the standard. Yeah. 30 best films. There you go. We had to scroll down pretty far to find that though. Yeah. 32 famous people. I don't. Yeah. Okay. All right. All right. I feel like I was getting dismissed and I don't think I'm too far. No. I mean, look.

I'm definitely right about that. Yeah. All right. So anyway, there's 27 amendments now. The last one was Congress. Yeah, there you go. It's clickbait. It's clickbait. They stopped on purpose. These 27 amendments will help you live life. You won't believe whatever 24 is. 24 is no poll taxes are allowed. There's seven amendments we don't need of the 27 amendments.

Ben Franklin. The seven letters we don't need in the alphabet. What's the one level? What did you say? Well, the last one that they did, which was from 1992, Congress cannot get a pay raise until the next term. So you got to get reelected before you get a raise. That fixed things, huh? Yeah. 19th Amendment was women's right to vote. 19? Yeah. How we lose that vote? It's a Winnie Adams joke. That's a great joke. Yeah. So then they started the, pretty quick, the Supreme Court. Yeah.

which Supreme Court's the, of course, top court in the land. There's 94 U.S. district courts below it, 13 court of appeals. Supreme Court has nine justices, not judges, justices. Most people call them judges. Well, probably no one, but I would have called them judges, but they're justices. There's one chief justice. They're the only justices. They're looking for one right now. Now, by the time this comes out, they may have gotten it, but you could qualify. You don't have to be a lawyer. You don't have to...

I mean, most people are, but you don't have to be. I think I should be. I think you should throw a... Throw a control in there. Yeah, a curveball. Yeah. A control? Yeah. What's that? Just like a normal person. Yeah. That just comes in and goes, what?

What are y'all talking about? You do probably need that. Everybody back up. What are y'all talking about? There's no age, education, profession regulations. It could be any of us. Yeah. It's always an option. That's like any, you know, I could be Pope. Yeah, you told us that. Yeah. Because you're Catholic. Yeah, that's all it takes.

Could I be it? No, unless you're, if you were baptized Catholic, you could be. But I could go get baptized Catholic. You could. So everybody could be Pope. Yeah, you gotta, theoretically. Or do you have to be born into it? No, you don't have to be born into it. Yeah. Just gotta go get baptized. So. That takes months. How's that theoretically when. That's true. I mean, it is true, but it's not like I can just go, you can't go get baptized today.

You got to put in some work and then you get baptized. But that's his point. So everybody could do it. Yeah, theoretically. How can they theoretically? Yeah. Who's going to go... Not everyone's going to do that. I think your feelings are hurt that...

realize that we could all be Pope. And like you're, you thought you had something special going over us and you're like, no, no, no, no. Anybody. There's like 2 billion Catholic. I don't think that makes me that special. But you felt pretty good about this room. I did like holding it over y'all for sure. But you're going to be a Supreme Court justice. So, you know, I'll rule you never to be Pope. That's what my rule. I'll make that an amendment.

That Aaron Weber, like the grill. You show up. The Weber family, if your last name is, if you come from a Weber line of people, like the grill, cannot be Pope. You show up to the Supreme Court. All right, guys, I'm going to make a new amendment. It's not even remotely what we do here. I'm going to do it. The 28th Amendment. The 28th Amendment. And y'all are going to get, don't get weird about it. This one's very specific and it won't affect anybody but one person.

Aaron Webber, like the grill, will never be Pope. More than theoretically. And then that's how I went. Oh, that's awesome. So when the court is in session, they enter at 10 a.m.,

The marshal announces a traditional cry. The honorable, the chief justice, and the associate justice of the Supreme Court of the United States. Oh, yes, oh, yes, oh, yes. All persons having business before the honorable of the Supreme Court of the United States are admonished to draw near and give their attention, for the court is now sitting. God save the United States and this honorable court. I think it would be better if he really cried. Oh, instead of a traditional cry? If he was weeping when he was... If he just...

Every day as they come in, he just really cries. And they have to pat his head like the way the football team that walks down that thing and touches the rock. They touch the guy and they go, it's okay, it's okay. He doesn't, you know. He's just like. And then when the last one touches him, he smiles. Courts in session. Yeah.

First thing up. I'd like to be a Pope. No. Amendment. Grabbed out. Try to plead the fifth, and we plead the fifth against you. Double plead the fifth. Double jeopardy. Double jeopardy. Murder him. I've already murdered someone. I got away with it. I will do it, and I can do it in front of all of you. Welcome to Supreme Court. Things are going to be different here, boys. Just yelling at them all.

Y'all had it nice and easy. Was there a movie where Sinbad was a Supreme Court justice? It becomes president, doesn't it? Oh, okay. I feel like I've seen something. 7,000 to 8,000 cases are presented to them each year to be heard. They look at 150 of them and hear about 80. That's good. A lot of stuff gets solved. They only choose the really, really important ones. I mean, how many cases...

That's got to be, there's got to be some that are just, you know, ridiculous. Well, I'll tell you some. Nix versus Hedden, or Hedon, I don't know, 1893, was a landmark decision on whether a tomato was a fruit or a vegetable. That made it? Yeah, it made it all the way to the Supreme Court. So at that time, imported vegetables were slapped with a 10% tax upon their arrival in the U.S. But fruits, imported fruits, were not.

So one Manhattan wholesaler said that, well, technically a fruit, excuse me, a tomato is not a vegetable. It's a fruit. It went all the way to the Supreme Court and they disagreed with him ruling that people neither prepare nor eat tomatoes like fruit and they should be taxed accordingly. Wow. Has that ever been followed up on?

They said, botanically speaking, tomatoes are fruit of a vine. This is cucumber, squashes, beans, and peas are. This is the chief justice having to write this opinion. But in the common language of the people where sellers and consumers are involved, all these are vegetables. So that's what they're hearing. Look, scientifically, they're fruits, but you idiots treat them like vegetables. Is that what they're saying? Yep. I kind of zoned out a little. All right. All right. There's nine Supreme Court justices.

I mean, I was on another podcast. Dude, you're trying to open a No Tomatoes, No Onion restaurant, and you won't listen to the Supreme Court hearing about tomatoes. They're not going to be in my life. Why would I care what they are? No Tomatoes, No Onion. That's a good point. Here's one you might be interested in. That's a good point. TGA Tour versus Martin. Martin Guitars? Casey Martin. Oh. You remember this? Yeah. This went all the way to the Supreme Court. Yeah.

So Casey Martins, this golfer, he had this rare condition which didn't allow full use of his right leg. So he petitioned the PGA Tour to let him ride a golf cart for this tournament. And the PGA said no, that's an unfair advantage. And it went all the way to the Supreme Court. The court ruled 7-2 in his favor. Yeah, it was like, it's not like John Daly. John Daly wants to use a cart and you're like,

John Dane's got his sowed what he, you know, I mean, he's, what's the, whatever that is. Reaped what he sowed. He sowed what he reaped. And he. John Reaped. John Reaped. They, so he would do, but like that Casey Martin was like, had like, it was something, whatever he had was like, it just was like, you know, like a not fair, like.

You just hate it. And he was that good of a golfer, but he's like, you couldn't walk. It's called Weber syndrome. Yeah. Clipple, Trinity, Weber syndrome. Wow. Is it really? Yep. So you think you're smarter than you are? One. Dunning-Kruger. Yeah. It's a Dunning-Kruger effect. Is it spelled with one B or two Bs? One. Man. That could be you. You're going to get it. That's how gout starts. Yeah. Yeah.

Weber syndrome it's called? Well, it's Klippel-Trenet-Weber syndrome. Maybe it's named after three people. Yeah. A neurological condition caused by an injury to the midbrain is usually caused by a stroke. Oh, man. You're probably going to get this before me. I probably already have it. Yeah. Interesting. Wow.

But Justice Scalia had to write the opinion on it. Did I say that wrong? Scalia. Scalia. And he made this very sarcastic, they just thought it was ridiculous he even got there. He said, we have this awesome responsibility of deciding what is golf. I am sure the framers of the Constitution fully expect that sooner or later the pass of golf and government will

But once again, Cross, and that the judges of this court would someday have to wrestle with this age-old question. And he goes on just to make fun of it. Shot to shot, what really is a golfer? Either out of humility or out of self-respect or one or the other, the court should decline to answer this incredibly difficult and incredibly silly question.

But then they ruled. Yeah. But how do they decide not to do that? I mean, they chose to take on the case. Is that like you reading stuff? When I look at you and I go, come on, dude, don't read. Would it be like, is there someone like you? You know, if I'm like, sometimes when you read something, I'm like, oh, God, where is this going? Right. Is there a person that's like, I got this one, and then I thought you would like it, and you're like...

Like they don't get to choose? I think they do. Someone comes up to him and goes, you going to do the golf thing? And he goes, I thought it'd be fun. I thought we'd do one fun. I thought we'd have some fun. Everything's so like Jack versus Jill and Johnny versus Tommy and it's all these crazy things. You don't know what even knows what any of this means. They just, uh, uh, uh, Morrow versus Clayton.

And then you're like, I don't know what that is. They're like, oh, that's the only reason you get to eat for free. I don't know. Those trials always make me feel sorry for the person. It's always like the state of Texas versus Bob Smith. I know, dude. You're like, I think I'm for Bob. Yeah. You're like, what did he do? What an underdog story this is. Yeah, they always say, we've been to that trial, this versus, and you're like, do people know these trials? I don't know any of them.

You know the real big ones. Brown versus Board of Education. That's what desegregated schools. Plessy versus Ferguson. The Dred Scott decision. Some of those are some of the big ones. Scopes Monkey Trial. We've talked about that. Yeah, but that's not the Supreme Court. I know. Roe versus Wade. Yeah. Roe versus Wade. Yeah, it's another one. Yeah. We've got a bunch of big ones recently.

Texas versus Johnson. In the 70s and 80s, burning American flags was a big thing. And one went all the way to the Supreme Court, whether or not that's freedom of speech. When was this? This was 1984. Okay. But I said in the 70s and 80s. There's a video of guys burning a flag on a baseball field. Oh, it's one of my favorite clips, dude. Rick Monday. Yeah. Have you seen it? It runs in and grabs it away from him. Oh, I think so. I don't know.

Yeah. I think so. There was a lot of anti-American sentiment back then, and so that was the thing they were doing. And it went all this way to Supreme Court, whether or not that's freedom of speech or that's going too far. The court ruled five to four in favor of the guy burning the flag, saying that's his First Amendment right to burn the flag. Like that's a probably good one, because that's a little fun.

Yeah. You got a little like they're burning the flag with a little like that's probably was a. That's an interesting one. That's an interesting one. Not fun, but it would be like you're like, this is why we're here, man. Yeah. And then there's, you know, it's like. That's why we play the game. Joe versus Streetlight. You're like. Joe versus Streetlight. Can you speed up during yellow or do you have to slow down? Speedy.

You cannot be speedy during a yellow light. You got to just, I don't know, figure it out on your own. How did this even make it up this high? I feel like they just, is that how they do it? They just open today. They open it. What is today? Yeah. Oh my gosh. What is this? Tom versus parking lot. Good night. Just, just the most random. I was like, okay,

You know, slides versus Kevin. And then he's like, how slides the guys last? I thought it was like literal slot, like a slide. Like, no, no, no. Kevin shot that Kevin was trying to fight all the slides. No, no, not at all.

Kind of to your point of the, I forget, it was the agent or the manager who said, I think I would know it when I see it. Yeah. That's a Supreme Court, a very famous Supreme Court line too, where they were debating pornography and what is the definition of pornography. And the justice said, I can't define it, but I would know it when I see it. Yeah. And that became a popular thing. They were deciding whether or not this movie was allowed, whether it was hardcore porn. Midnight Cowboy. Yeah.

It's a good guess though. And he said, I know it when I see it. And that became a popular phrase. Yeah. Shouting fire in a crowded theater. You ever heard that? Yeah. That's about whether or not First Amendment freedom of speech is allowed if it causes panic or destruction or something like that.

And they did that because people were protesting World War I, and they said that that's too dangerous to do. It's kind of a dumb thing. Oh, yeah. That's too dangerous, so your freedom of speech does not count when you're doing something that hurts our country. And he said, that's like shunning fire in a crowded theater. You can't do that. Yeah, so it's not really...

So you could, you can, you can shout fire in the crowd or you can't. If it calls panic and destruction or something like that. They give you the benefit of context, you know? Yeah. There've been like, so would that, like, cause that calls panic, but it's not specifically like, it makes it seem like it's like you can only do the no fire crowd. You're like, what about a restaurant? You're like, we're going to do another trial. All right. Can't shout fire in crowded places. Yeah.

I have a joke now that I've been doing where I say a line in the joke is we have an active shooter at the, at the gate or whatever. And it feels weird saying it in a venue because somebody hears this out of context. I'm saying we have an active shooter. Like if it was in the bathroom and they come out. So I think about it. I kind of want to stop doing it. It's like Michael Scott on the booze cruise. The ship is sinking. Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

That guy just let me finish my presentation. We did everything. The doctor did everything they could do. And she will be fine. Meredith? I forgot how he words it. It's so funny though. Yeah, he goes. And the doctor said they did everything that they can do.

And she wouldn't make it. It's very funny. Stanley's like, why would you say it like that? What is wrong with you? I got a guy doing impressions. Episode, huh? 90, you finally show up. You got a little, you're going to add a little flavor to the podcast. Good night. Who doesn't? You could have done that all along. The whole time you've been doing impressions. I didn't think it was that good. I didn't know. I mean, just the fact that you put the effort in. It's like the first time I realized you were even here.

And he's just sitting on that just to get a, they get Michael Winslow doing a part like, and you're just there. And I'll do some recent ones here. Uh, 2002 students at a high school in Alaska were allowed to leave class to go watch the Olympic torch past their school on torch relay is for the 2002 winter Olympics. Uh,

One of the guys went across the street and held up a sign as television cameras watched it pass. It said, bomb hits for Jesus. The school principal went over there, took it down, and the student got suspended from school.

They argued that it was their First Amendment rights that you're being violated. But the Supreme Court ruled in favor of the school saying just because when you're under school supervision, you have certain rights that don't count for school speech. They were saying, well, we're off school grounds, but...

Yeah, but you're into that. I like that. I like that they do that. Even though it's like I don't care that the kid, I get it. But it is, you're like, you just want to go, don't be an idiot, dude. Like, you're in school, man. You're wearing the school uniform still or whatever. Like, you're still representing the school in some way. Yeah, it's like, don't like, yeah, you're like,

So if you say something at your job where you're like, you can't say just anything, man. Like you can, like, you gotta go. You can say anything, but if you're taking something from, like, you're like, what do you want to do, man? Like, you know. So that was five to four. It was very close. The people who wrote for him, the four, they said some high school students, including those who use drugs are dumb. Most students, however, do not shed their brains at the schoolhouse gate. And most students know dumb advocacy when they see it.

The notion that this message on this banner would actually persuade the average student or even the dumbest one to change his or her behavior is most implausible. Well, now I might have just switched. I think that's the whole thing. I think don't treat people dumb now. I agree with that actually now. I think I'm switched. Well, five to four. The top minds were torn on out. It's crazy that that got on.

It's almost like the same thing, though. They're doing what I'm saying. Don't be an idiot. No one's an idiot. This idiot did this. That doesn't mean we need to make a law because it's just one person. I'm on the... Just like that. Turn that quick. Just turn that quick. You heard both sides. I'm practicing for my Supreme Court. I'm at least show that I'm... The Pope doesn't listen to both sides. Pope doesn't...

He listens to one side. He listens to one side. It's up. It's up. First Pope sponsored by Bass Pro Shops. How you doing? Aaron Weber, everybody. He's wearing lures on his gown. He's got just on the backside of it just a bunch of lures in case he's got fishing pole and lures under there. He swings by a crick.

First, you know, has there ever been an American Pope? Could there be? There could be. There's always one on the last couple times. There's been one on the short list, but Americans are such a small fraction of... Is it like the Rooney Rule? They just do it to kind of be nice? Oh, maybe. Yeah, maybe. I don't know if they've ever been seriously, like nobody ever thought they were going to have one, but maybe one day. Pope Johnson doesn't...

I know you, you, you would pick a name. Yeah. Pope Greg, the 17th. Oh yeah. Pope Tommy. Does he do Thomas or Tom? Tommy. Yeah. Pope Thomas. No. The teaster. Yeah. T-bone. I know a couple more about social media, Facebook. This guy said he was getting excessive text messages from Facebook, noting that fighting him, that somebody was trying to log into his account from a new device and

He said he never had a Facebook account. When he complained to Facebook, they said, well, it's probably someone that had your phone number before you who had still had an account. He filed a class action lawsuit saying that he was getting harassed by Facebook. And that's like a robocall, which is against the law. It went all the way to Supreme Court. But the court ruled in Facebook's favor, saying it's not the same thing.

How do you even get to the Supreme Court? You send it to your local? Yeah, it starts on a low-level court. So you go to people's court first. Then if it gets past... That's my guy, back in my day. Judge Judy goes, this is too hard for me to decide. You go up to the next... Judge Joe Brown. And then you slowly...

Once you've done all the shows with the same case, then you're like, I guess we got to take it to the top. Yeah. Yeah, they keep appealing. They should do People's Court. Should do a real serious one. Have you seen Steve Harvey as one of those shows now? Oh, really? I can't wait to watch it. Yeah. He loves Steve Harvey, don't you? I think he's one of the funniest guys ever. Yeah. And I think he's so...

all over the place so we kind of take him for granted yeah but you watch me like this guy's so funny yeah and i think that's the perfect format him ruling on like silly cases yeah between people it's basically what he does on family feud but is it real no he's not because i don't know people's court real cases yeah i think they agree it's not they're not real legal cases but i think that like judge judy and those they're they're mediators they're like uh

Yeah, their decision is binding in some way, but they agree to let that person. Laura knows. Do you know this is People's Court? Hey, welcome to my DVR, 400 People's Courts on there. We have 1% left because there's 130 People's Courts. Probably 135. 135, 135 People's Courts is saved. Wow. And Laura just goes through it. Is that your favorite show?

No, I just like it. It's only 27 weeks. I mean, my life is just always like 9% DVR. And I can't delete those. So I'm finding little nonsense I can delete of my barely things. So with this library of I'm sure there's a streaming way to do this without. What was the people score question? What was it?

We were talking about whether or not the decision was on it. Remember, Lewis was on it. That's why I think it can be real, but people also could fake it. No, Sven.

Oh, was it Sven? Yeah, the guy, Sven Wexler, the guy I started comedy with. I lived in Chicago and moved to New York. He was on one, but I think it's just like those kind of cases. Like, it's not, you know, it's just, yeah, it's like stuff like that. But I mean, you go to the Supreme Court, like, so you go to yours and then you just like, and they say like, we don't know. Yeah, it's gotta be like a federal type thing.

case. And then if you don't like the decision, your attorney can appeal it to a higher court. And then if they look at it like, yeah, I think they may have made a mistake, then they may take on that case. And then if it keeps going and whoever loses doesn't like it, it can sometimes get all the way to Supreme Court. And they have to be the final... Once they say it, it's done. Yeah. That's crazy. Yeah. Yeah.

So it's pretty hard. You'd have to have a really crazy case. Yeah. I got one more. This just happened this past year as far as the ruling. It happened in 2017, but it went to the Supreme Court this year. This girl didn't make the varsity cheerleading team at her school. So she got on Snapchat and said, F school, F softball, F cheer, F everything.

And she did it on a Saturday at a local convenience store and posted it on Snapchat. They suspended her, kicked her off the junior varsity cheerleading team because she did that post. But she argued that that's her First Amendment right to do something from her home on a Saturday, or from wherever she was, not on school property. And the judge ruled in her, the justices ruled in her favor, eight to one decision in favor for the girl. Eight to one. Yep. Yeah, that would be, that's even more the one that I just flipped on. Mm-hmm.

That one's even, that's Saturday. That's all. Like if that one went five, four, that one you could, I could, that one you're at least like, yeah, dude, he was during school. Like hers, you'd be like, whoever was the one is like crazy. Yeah. You're like, she can, she can post whatever. Yeah. It just shows how social media now is changing the rules a lot. It just complicates things so much, man. Yeah. Right. Yeah. What's,

There's no easy decision with that stuff, I bet. We solved with a lot more double jeopardies out there. Just a fear. You just need a fear of guys that roam around that can kill. With impunity. Never get touched. Just have that float around. You always worry about that behind your back. The top floor of the Supreme Court has a gym. They call it the highest court in the land. Oh, yeah? Yep. Oh, basketball gym. Yeah, basketball gym. I should have said that.

Oh, in the highest court. Oh, yeah. That didn't make sense at first. Sorry. The food court up there too? Yeah. Highest food court in the land. Yeah, I honestly didn't. When you go top, they got a gym at the top, highest court in the land. I was like, I guess because you got to work out, like diabetes is the real thing you got to answer to. That's her heart attack.

A heart attack's your real answer. So if you want to get it right, you got to go up there. Yeah. Yeah. All right. That's it. Founding Fathers Supreme Court. Founding Fathers Supreme Court. Got to the bottom of it. Figured it all out. Figured it all out. All right. Thank you guys so much. As always, we love you. Thanks for listening. Truly, truly appreciate it. And we'll see you next week. Bye. Bye.

Nateland is produced by Nateland Productions and by me, Nate Bargetzi, and my wife, Laura, on the All Things Comedy Network. Recording and editing for the show is done by Genovations Media. Thanks for tuning in. Be sure to catch us next week on the Nateland Podcast.