Fifty Shades Freed LIVE! (w/ Chelsea Devantez)
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It is a night. The third part of the Fifty Shades trilogy. What's happening in the wonderful world of Anastasia and Christian Grey? Well, I'll tell you. Not much. They're married. People are out to get them. They know immediately who it is. And every problem is solved quicker than when they say it. They say the problem, it is solved. It is like mini episodes of Entourage.

It all builds to a very satisfying conclusion, and it does include a post-credits scene. I hope you all watch that. Now, tonight, we are going to break it down, but first, please welcome my co-host, Mr. Jason Manzoukas! What's up, jerk? How we doing? That's right. Night three. Paul, you just said about this movie that it all ends very satisfyingly, and I have to disagree. Okay.

This movie's... This entire... I'm furious that this has happened to me. These three nights have been a harrowing descent into, I don't even know, not sexy, unhorny hell? That's what hell is to me. I was eating a burrito and watching a scene of people fucking and being like... I folded laundry and washed dishes...

Two people fucking in a sex dungeon room, which should be something I... It should be a keyword search that I do at 2 o'clock in the morning. Now... I'm watching it broad daylight, and I'm like, oh, this soup really caked onto this pan. Now, what I will say is... I'm going harder at the pan than he's going at her. What is this? Here's what I will say. Was this a tough watch? Yes, it was. But when they get to that...

Fast and Furious montage. Oh my God. At the end, I cried.

And I was sad to let these people out of my lives. For three days, I've lived in their world. And even though nothing has happened, I wanted more. I feel like the events of the movies take place in three days. Oh, easily. Like, I feel like if you told me the entirety of them meeting to them at the end of the movie with Teddy, the child's name is Teddy...

Well, I mean, yes. Maybe it's two weeks. Maybe. Well, here's what I'll say. Including gestation and birth. She's got something that happened. Yeah, it goes very quickly. Here's what I'll say.

We know from the second movie that she has a job for less than two weeks that she starts. So we know that that's a marker of time. Then she gets proposed to. It seems like she may have gotten married the day after she got proposed to. Within days. They have a world-spanning honeymoon. Yes. Right? That was last night or tonight? No, that's tonight. That's tonight. I'm so unwell.

No, I am also now getting a flirt. I'm in a, like, fugue state. I spent so much time with these two people that I don't know if I'm in their life or they're in mine. That's what I felt. Like, when this ended, I felt like, no, what will I do? This is like the Matrix, the worst version of the Matrix. I think I might be a creation of E.L. James.

You know what I'm afraid of? The insanity that's on screen is now normalized to me. That's what I think, too. I think I've watched so much. And I'm like, well, of course, get his fuck jeans out. And then I'm like, wait a minute. This movie. I gotta remember the fuck jeans. What the fuck?

This movie ends with the gently, the light placing and smoothing out of fuck jeans. Like that is one of the final moments. Like, well, get his fuck jeans out. Honey, time to fuck me. Like, it's a very weird, weird ending. I have thoughts on the ending. I have a lot of big thoughts. But tonight we have a very special guest.

She is the host of her own podcast, which is fantastic. They talk about celebrity autobiographies. They talk about reality TV. The podcast is called Glamorous Trash. She also has a book coming out called I Shouldn't Be Telling You This. You can preorder right now. Please welcome Chelsea Devontes. Welcome. Thank you.

Welcome, Chelsea. Thank you. Thank you. Also, we're so sorry. I accept. I accept. Although I've just, I came so hard today. I'm so tired. So tired for this podcast. I was hearing you talk about the timeline. I also want to point out that when he meets her, she's a college senior. Yes. So this woman is like 20 years old. But he's 27. Yes. Yes. But...

He also turns 28 in movie two. In movie two. Okay, but that means like at the end when she has all these babies, 20 at most. 21. 21. You think? Maybe. I mean, what she does, I mean, what she does, I mean, she is a fresh out of college student who within the course of three and a half weeks. Max. Has sex for the first time. Yes. Yeah.

gets out of a relationship, goes back into a relationship, gets her dream job, gets almost raped at her dream job, gets her boss fired, takes over her boss's job, gets married to the person that she broke up with, and then is chased, kills somebody, or hurts them badly, and then has two babies. Two babies. She also...

That's a lot. She also evades the security detail that's been assigned to her, takes $5 million out of the bank...

It goes through, like you said, a Fast and Furious style car chase where apparently everybody in Seattle drives an Audi. That's just what we're doing. And I was like, at what point? We've spent three movies now with Taylor and the security detail. And they are worthless. No, this is the worst. They do zero. They are so bad. Justice for Taylor. Justice for Taylor.

They are so bad. The security detail in this movie is so bad that when they capture a person that is trying to abduct her in her own home, they're like, we don't have any handcuffs. We don't know how to restrain this person. We don't know what to do. No zip ties. Our hands aren't enough to hold them. Yes. Owie. Both Anastasia Steele, again, a name I will never think is a real name. It makes it only seem more like this is Skinemax, but...

Both she and Mia, the sister, are able to just effortlessly evade their security detail. And that is chilling. Well, I do want to just check in with you, Chelsea, because obviously we've watched all three. Just talk us through where you came in on the Fifty Shades world. Did you read the book? Yes. So about nine years ago, I had a feeling I'd be on this show. And I was like, I should read this book. Yeah.

So I did. I read the original book. Did you guys read? I read pieces of it. You read pieces of it. I owned it. I'm a writer. I support publishing. Independent publishers. That's right. We're both writers and I read the book, but I'm not one of those writers who cares. I'm not like, oh, grrr. I'm not like that. And that book, the sentence structure, the grammar, the commas was obscene to the point where I think E.L. James was like, every comma is a dick.

I think she... Comma, comma, comma, comma, comma, comma. I think she calls them commas. Commas. Last show of the week, everybody. Last show. That's the shirt. That's my best joke. That's it. It's not going to get better. You're done. That's it. That's the peak for me. Well, she also calls... You know, when she's writing, she's like, he touched my down there. Yes.

I'm like, you're going to cook. Wait, how are we just finding this out? Oh, no, well. My down there. No. Yes, and she also refers to herself as her inner goddess, right? Yes. Inner goddess is a big term. Inner goddess I can kind of understand, but touching your down there is too much an immature, childish way to talk about. Exactly. Also, but you know, she's the other really important part of the book. This blows my mind. She didn't have a laptop. Right.

Wait. Do you remember this? No. So Anastasia's in college. Oh, I thought you meant E.L. James. Maybe. She wrote it longhand. By the way, that would make sense. Like, I went to the library. I used their... I'm sorry. No, no, no. Anastasia, Anastasia Steele, she's like in college and she's like, and Christian Grey's like, here, you need a laptop. She's like, what?

In these movies, he's constantly gifting her tech. A phone, a this, a that. Yeah, but I'm worried about her. I'm worried about E.L. James, honestly. Have we checked on her? Well, I mean, E.L. James, I feel like we were talking about this last night. There is something very like...

This movie is like, ooh, I like to walk on the wild side, which means breaking a man of the habits that he has, marrying him, and having kids. It's like, it presents like, ooh, but then it's also, it's all super vanilla. This is our sexiest book, and she's like, be a husband and make a mom now. I'll have as many kids as you want.

It seems as though, and because I did not process these books at all, and what I understood was that it was this incredibly sexual descent into this world of BDSM and all sorts of other kinks and so forth. And then it is so vanilla inside of it. There's like, there'll be handcuffs and then just missionary fucking. Yes. I think in this world...

Long, languid teasing. There's no nothing. Well, the book, I have to say, the books are a lot hotter and a lot dirtier than, which is sad because they're fine. But Buffy... Should we do the book? How did this get written? The scene that crushed me... The answer is with one hand. I still got it.

come on. You're ready to go. He's ready to go. It's a Friday night. Do you remember this scene when he's like, you hung out with your friends and that's not allowed. And I'm like, this is again what's hot to us, whatever. And he's like, so you're going to be punished. And then he pulls out a vibrator half the size of the microphone and he's like, ring. And she's like, no. It makes the same sound as a lightsaber in Star Wars.

Yeah. And then he's just like, there's a slow shot of the vibrator and then they cut away from that and then you just, he's just like... No, what was so crazy about that scene, what was so crazy about that scene was, and again, we've talked about sex a lot in these films, but that was to me the most graphic scene because it was like in between her underwear. It was in there. But it was so small. Yeah. Like, what...

Fifty Shades of Grey? You only got the Walmart thumb vibrator you buy in secret when you're checking out? I swear to God, it's the base of an electric toothbrush. Yes! It's not even a vibrator. It's the thing you grab to be like, I don't know, maybe this? Yeah.

But he, but what I love about that scene is like, and this is the thing, Christian Grey is like super redeemable at points and then goes right back to being a fucking asshole. Like you're like, oh, so he's like, you find out in that scene like, he brought her into the Red Room to torture her for promising one thing and then doing another. And she's like, ho, ho, Red, Red. She calls out her safe word. This is the first and only time she uses Red. And it was,

I just want to make it very clear. It's because he put the vibrator up to her three times and then pulled away and she's like, right. And she's like, I almost came and then I did it. You monster. Yeah. That was as rough. That's as rough as it gets. Yeah. Almost coming. Blue balls. Yes. You're teasing me too much. Red. No one wants to be teased during sex.

But then you have this moment where she's like, I can't believe you did this. You used the Red Room to prove your point. And he's like, yeah. And she's like, okay, let's get back to the mystery. So who do you think is after us? And I was like, wow, it works. As long as it's not Kim Basinger because she's not in the movie, we can keep going. We set up a villain.

in the first two movies that is simply not there in the third. Well, she's a text message. Oh, right. One text message. She sends a text message. I kept waiting for her to arrive. Who do we get? H.R. Liz. I was like, Liz from H.R., what are you doing here? Well, this is the craziest thing. She's here to conduct an exit interview.

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This movie is constantly setting up villains and premises that they don't pay. It's like they set up this whole thing that Anastasia's friend Kate, I have a lot to say about Kate, is nervous. Also, thank God Kate got engaged. Well, but by the way, Kate gets engaged. It's like, I think my boyfriend's cheating on me. Then they set up

Anastasia's seeing, like, this person touching his face, and then he proposes to her, and it's like, was he? Yeah, and then she's like, he's like, I asked my ex to help me pick out the ring, and she's like, okay, and then that's it. It's gone, though. And, boy, I hope someday I am in love and I have a relationship and I can get down on one knee in the middle of a crowded Aspen nightclub and in front of strangers and some family and friends...

Propose to that lucky gal. And then dance the night away. It is bonkers. Kate should say no. And we never know what happened with her. Wait, just real quick. The movie begins at their wedding. And again, this whole thing was written for women. Women are the demo. The wedding's hideous. I was like, you had one job. But

Give us a nice wedding. No. No. Disgusting wedding. And they want to get out of the wedding so quick. It's like they don't give you any pomp and circumstance. They don't even. It's not even a scene. It's a montage. It's like the opening credits. Although I did see that Jose is working the wedding. Jose is her photographer friend who took a lot of like photos of her in the second one. Okay. And at one point Jose is just running around with the camera. He's like you hired Jose. Your buddy shouldn't be taking the pictures. Let Jose enjoy the party. That's not. I'm glad he was.

I'm glad he was there. Kate is in a really ugly dress. I was like, that's rude of you. They only had two days to get their outfits. You're right. You're right.

But did you notice that the wedding ended at what appeared to be 11 a.m.? Yeah. It was early. It was. Oh, yeah. Sun was at its peak and they were running out. When they get to the airplane, they've already changed and it's not even noon. No. They're gone. It's so interesting. The scale and scope in the second movie, there's a sexy, no, a not sexy masquerade ball.

with hundreds of extras and massive set piece and blah, blah, blah. The wedding should have had that kind of feel. And there isn't anything. This movie takes place in small rooms with just a handful of, I almost feel like this is like an indie film version of the movie. I thought at a certain point, the way they started filming it, like we're never going to see people. Like, oh, they're getting married by themselves.

But then when they escape the wedding, get the fuck out of here. I don't want to share you with these people. Our loved ones who you are not allowed to see anymore. Yeah. Or I'll fuck you in the red room. It's so bizarre. Clumsily and boringly. These people are bad at sex, period. Very bad.

I did appreciate that this movie takes the bold choice to have her start going down on him. Because all he does, his movie is just like, I'm going down. Like, he's always starting at the bottom and working his way up. Covered in ice cream. Covered in ice cream. You are gonna smell like bad milk tomorrow. You're gonna, you're spoiling as we speak. Can I tell you my, I was watching the movie, also folding laundry, but

My husband came in and he was like, oh my God. So there's like cum all over her leg? And I was like, no, it's a product placement for Ben and Jerry's. Yeah, Ben and Jerry's. Ben and Jerry's was in the last movie too. And he just puts some on her leg and like eats it and she came from it and I was like,

She's always coming. She comes a lot. I do like that for her. What I like about her is her attitude is someone's always coming because even when they pull up to a plane, she's like, you own this? That's what she says in every movie. She's always surprised. Have they never spoken before?

Like they literally have never had a conversation. They don't have real conversations. We know. It's a bachelor. We know this. Yeah, because they are already married and have not had a conversation about whether they want children or not. Yes. Which I, she was like, you want kids, right? Husband? Wait, how did that not come up? And he's like, no, I hate children. How could you do this to me? She's like, I'm pregnant. Yeah.

That pregnancy scene, when she reveals that, he gets so mad. He's very dark. And what I love about this movie is that those are the moments where they go there where it's like,

I don't want kids because kids are going to take you away from me. Yeah. Oof. That's a tough thought. Again, those things make me feel like both of these people have the emotional intelligence of like 16 year olds. Yes. They are children, even though they're adults. No, they're not.

No, she's a child still. They are acting like children. They're two people under 30. They barely got their shit figured out. Yeah, so if you're under 30, go fuck yourself, says Paul Scheer.

All I'm saying is this. You don't want to be held accountable for the decisions you make before 25. No, no. That's a terrible place to be. Oh, you shouldn't be allowed to get married under 30. Yeah. I like that as a rule. And if you're over 50, it's cool. You can still get married someday.

My favorite scene that's not in the movie, but I wanted to see, is like they go to France, they're having this beautiful, you know, French honeymoon, and at one point they go like, does he have to be with us? And they cut to Taylor, the bodyguard. Taylor getting a little bit more... Here's the update. No. Yeah. He's fucking useless.

But what I loved about Taylor was, like, at one point, he's like, let's go back to the boat. And then they get on jet skis and they jet ski off and I'm like, I wanted the camera to pan over and just see, like, Taylor on his own little jet ski, like... Like... Because he's got to get back to the boat, too. In the scene...

In the scene where they're racing Audis, where... Where it becomes fast and furious. When they drive away from the new house and Christian is like, you drive. Because she told that architect to go fuck herself. Can we play the whole scene? Great. And then I'll say my dumb bait afterwards. This architect scene is one of my favorite...

This is again... She was a demure Mormon virgin, I believe, eight days prior to this. Yes, yes. She's becoming as evil as Christian Grey in this scene. She has surpassed. Please stop speaking to my husband as if I weren't here. Anna, I have designed many prestige projects. You may call me Mrs. Grey, and this is not a prestige project. This is going to be our home. So, if you want this job...

I suggest you stop making eyes at my husband and keep your hands to yourself. Or you can go and climb back into your shit-colored car and drive back to sleep. What's up, dude? I'm sorry, Mrs. Gray, but I would never... It won't happen again.

Yeah. I don't even understand that term. We were just discussing an alternative approach. Like, what is that term? Like, what is that term where she's like, like, why is she going all demure in that moment? Oh, that woman's acting is in the same movie as Marsha Gay Harden. Yeah.

I fucking... The movie's insults are so ridiculous. Shit-colored car. That's actually her best line of dialogue. Oh, it is. 100% it is. By the way, they have more chemistry than Anastasia and Christian Grey. All I want is to watch them kiss. Yes, yes. That was hot. That's red hot, that scene. But I will say this. It was confusing because when she popped on screen, I was like, wait a second. Is that Kate? Because...

Which blonde is who? This is a movie where these are three different characters. What is so crazy is that one of them is Rita Ora. Yes, yes. Like, how did you make Rita Ora look like Kate? Oh, no. I'm fine. Were you coming? Yeah, I just came. I mean, there's... You said Rita Ora, and I was like... I can't get it.

I mean, if you take Rita Ora out of the equation, just keep the two. I was confused. It is consistently confused. Yes. Because they're all intermixed around. And also, Casey Dutton, the brother. What's his name? I can't remember his name. He's Casey Dutton of Yellowstone. Jack?

Elliot. Elliot gets engaged to Kate during this, but we then see him on the street talking to the architect. Which I thought was like maybe... That was the architect. That was the architect. What? Yes, that's what I'm saying. So I'm like, why is the architect there? And then I'm like... Their world is so small.

I thought he was as confused as I am. He's like, oh, that's my girlfriend. It's like, no, oh, that's my ex-girlfriend. That's what she should have said when Kate is like, I don't know, he might be cheating on me with the architect. She should have been like, oh, he probably thinks the architect is you.

Okay, but then that means the architect is like, I'll fuck you, I'll fuck you. Like, the architect is fucking brothers? I don't understand. Yeah, I don't understand what the architect wanted from anything, really. She wanted to make a nice home. Prestige. A prestige project. And you know, the one thing that architects love is taking down a house with a lot of character and making it into a modern home.

When they leave the house, after that scene, they leave the house and he's like, you handled her so well, why don't you drive us home or whatever? And then she peels out and she's driving fast and furious style. So Anastasia Steele is able to shake the tail that is Taylor and the security detail, but somehow H.R. Liz is unshakable. A woman who's driving her personal car...

And he is, again, the head of HR for a publishing house. And she is better at tailing them all over the city from the woods to downtown. But my question is this. And the security team is like, we lost her. We lost you. We don't know where we are. I think we're in Canada. Uh-oh, boss.

It's fucking Keystone Cops over here. This is where the movie makes no sense because they're being tailed. But to what end? Like, they just go back and forth to home and some other... They're going to be home in a little bit. Also, like, the guy in the end who's going to hold her up for not the money, so I don't know what. He's not out of jail yet. So Liz is just...

tailing her to keep tabs on her for him? But they know that they always go home. They always go home. Guys, don't be mad at me. The other thing about, this is the, because again, that thrillers are based in the idea that like, who could it be? There's a mystery. On the first day of their honeymoon, they're like, Mr. Gray, there's a server fire and here's the footage. And then immediately, Anna Stanger's like, oh, that's my old boss. Yeah.

Like, how are they not? Immediately, they're like, oh, yeah, it is. They know who it is. How are they not on this? How are they not on this guy? This guy has been a creep since the last movie. The movie, it's as if they said in the first movie, you know what? This movie needs villains. So in movie two, they're like, here's four villains.

And then in this movie, they're like, JK, just one villain? Oh, oh, but a secret villain is now revealed, which is H.R. Liz. Somebody who's, I think, been an ally this whole time. But also, it doesn't make sense because they don't reveal what they capture and kill the villain. And then it's like an epilogue. It's like, you know why he was doing that? And it's like, oh, it was like, and there's the credits. It's like, they... Okay, so I thought

you, because I didn't watch movie number two because I don't hate myself. They go down very smooth. I thought maybe I missed

No. They never reveal it. So he's like, he knows that guy? So at the, like maybe 15 minutes in or something happened and I was like, oh, wait a minute. And I called it in a way that I think is a, I'm punching it up into a better movie because Christian Grey doesn't remember so much of his young life. I thought Jack was going to be revealed to be his brother. Yeah.

His brother. I thought he was his brother till this moment. Yeah. Boy. So he's not. It would be a better movie. They shared a foster home for a brief period of time. And then basically someone came to adopt. Like he's mad. Marsha Gay Harden came and adopted Christian Grey. And he's mad that like they picked him over him, which is like almost like a, like a, like a puppy litter. Like it's like, it's like. What makes that so, so, so insane. Cause wasn't that in Detroit?

Yes. That's in Detroit. Okay. Anastasia Steele gets a job at SIP, the publishing house in Seattle. Jack is her boss. Has no connection yet to Christian Grey. Christian Grey then buys the publishing company. So for this dude, Jack, all of a sudden... His foster brother comes and buys his publishing house. Yes. Coincidentally. But that's only later. I would say this. His long play is this. Okay. Okay.

I'm going to become a famous publisher. I got that. And then I'm going to wait. Because for all of this to work. It doesn't. It has to occur to him only when he realizes that his assistant is dating his ex-rival. You see, I thought the plan was longer. Like, I thought he was like...

I know his type. And eventually, he'll find her. If I'm in the right position to hire her, then I'll get her. Because he's got a long plan. Because even for her to get that interview, to get there, like, there's no, like, and then he's at the party. There's so many ways of him, yeah. Also, I know his type. A girl with medium brown hair...

Kind of normal. Well, here's the... He'll never be able to resist this person. Here's the wild reveal in the second movie. The wild reveal in the second movie is that all of the women that Christian Grey... He has had 15 women in the Red Room and that all of them look like his dead mother, including Anastasia Steele. He's working some sort of... Some sort of mediocre brunette fuckhouse. But...

And again, and I'll bring this up in every episode, he is also dealing with trauma because he was raped by Kim Basinger when he was 15. That's right. Okay. So he's also... While she was quote unquote teaching him how to fuck. Yes. Yes, yes. Because I was going to say, rape feels like a word that you...

you've chosen and the book was like, it was hot. Yeah, they never say it, but people are like, it's true. It's definitively rape. Oh yeah. Yeah, he was 15 years old. She's a pedophile. Yeah, but she's also his good friend and he doesn't see any problem with it. Not at all. And he's still in contact. As a matter of fact, in a time of need, he's like, I should go talk to that person. And he doesn't think his wife should have any problem with it. I told you, she's just a friend. We're just friends.

I'm just friends with my former pedophile rapist. Get over it. I own her blow dry bar, but that's not a big deal. She's very talented. The good investments. Ha ha.

Both of them are so jealous. Childishly jealous. Yeah, yeah. Like, about casual experiences. Or his isn't so casual. But they're so, like, fly-off-the-handle jealous. Oh, yeah. In a way that I'm like, again, they're just children. So that they are so immature. So that then when it is them fucking, I'm like, I don't want this. We shouldn't. It's too earnest. It's too something. Yeah. I have another question. Okay, so...

Mia is his sister, though, right? Adopted sister. He is adopted. He's adopted. Right, but then she came from the foster home? No. So then that brother? I think Mia, I think Casey Dutton, Elliot. Yeah. Mia and Elliot, I assume, are the biological, although it's never been answered. Maybe all the kids are adopted. Who knows? Yeah. They're all adopted. And she's from a different, right. I also, I really love the theme in this movie. Thank you. They're all adopted. Someone's on it.

I also really love the theme in this movie where they're like, and why is everyone bad and gross? They were adopted. Well, no, the most damning line in this movie, and I wrote it down because it was like, it really bummed me out because...

Because there's a moment where it's revealed that Jack is mad that that family picked Christian instead of him. Okay. Right? And she's like, I know you, and you would never be a psychopath like this guy. And it's like, so she's basically saying, like, his... It's nature nurture. Yeah, sorry, I'm not saying it the right way. Neil James isn't interested in interrogating any of what you're talking about. Right. She's interested in butt plugs. Right. Right.

Right, well, that's like... Full stop. Movie one sets up like, you'll never put anything in my butt, and movie three is like, I'm okay with it. No, movie one is... That's the character arc. Movie one is you'll never put anything in my butt, and movie three is like, ooh. But I guess...

I guess what I'm just dealing with at the end is there's no sympathy for this guy being angry. Christian Grey got brought into an insane life. I could see the jealousy. And she's like, no, he would always have been a fucking psychopath. But Christian Grey is also kind of a fucking psychopath. They both aren't well people. They cut out a scene where Christian Grey starts beating everybody up in that Aspen bar. That's in the movie. It's like...

He's not well. He's not. No, he's not a well man. He's not as good as you. It's like you ain't that good, buddy. When she when the scene opens and it we then we later find out she is with her gynecologist. I for the first five or six seconds or whatever was like, thank God she's seeing a therapist. Yes, me too. Finally, these maniacs have decided to enlist a mental health professional. And instead, the woman's like, you're pregnant.

But it also... What? Immediately. They immediately get pregnant. What do you think is more unbelievable? The pregnancy, H.R. Liz, Taylor, the whole mystery, or that she sold at her new job 200,000 books in one week? Of Purgatory? Of the novel Purgatory? Of the novel Purgatory. Come and they say, you sold 200,000 copies. Now, I just want to clarify, like,

I used to think like, oh yeah, if you're a bestseller, hundreds of thousands. That's not even the act. The actual cover looks even worse. This is just galleys. The actual cover looks like a VHS Stephen King box. There's no 200,000 people want that book, period. But again, it's E.L. James going like, me, it's my thing. It's her sexual fantasy. It's her fantasy. Her sexual fantasy.

is like she's at a publishing house and she sells 200,000 books. When she sold 200,000 books, it was like, get the fuck out of here. As two people that are trying to sell books right now, that's a fucking giant number. Also in E.L. James' fantasy because Boyce Fox was initially like poo-pooed as somebody who wouldn't sell books, wouldn't move units, and she was like, he has a big online presence. It's her. It's her. This is E.L. James. She's Boyce Fox. Wait, is it an anagram?

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Friends. Oh, friends. You want a podcast? I'm going to tell you about one. It is called Where Everybody Knows Your Name with Ted Danson and Woody Harrelson sometimes. Now, after Cheers wrapped up decades ago, Ted and Woody have reunited sharing stories with their friends that they have met over the years. Kristen Bell, Will Arnett, Conan O'Brien, Jane Fonda. These are just a few of the guests they have had on their show just recently.

to kind of hang out with and just laugh. It is a fun hangout show. What are you waiting for? New episodes of Where Everybody Knows Your Name drop Wednesday. Be sure to listen wherever you get your podcasts.

Have you guys talked about the casting of Christian Grey at all? We talked that it was the guy from Sons of Anarchy, but that's all we kind of knew. Initially, Charlie Hunnam was cast as Christian Grey. Oh, wow. I can't remember. I think they might have shot a little bit with him or something. Well, he said that he had a 48-hour turnaround from the last day of shooting Sons of Anarchy to this character. He said he couldn't transform in 48 hours. He needed more time.

Jamie Dornan had only five weeks to get in shape, so he's not very happy with his body in the first one. So you notice in the second two, his body's a lot better because he's very happy. That's unbelievable. Well, if you read the book, the literature. Yeah. From the page. Oh, yeah. Christian Grey is like a massive man. He's like six foot five. Oh, he's like Jack Reacher? Yeah, he's Jack Reacher. Yeah.

Now, now I'm interested. I'm in. Now I'm interested. He's Reacher, and when the cops show up, it's Bosch. I just want to, back to being a real big man. I just want to know, how was this not Armie Hammer? And had it been, would he have survived the cancellation? No, I didn't say he's a great guy. I said fucking years ago before.

Maybe we ate people. Why didn't they cast him? Then they would be like, oh, he eats people. And we'd be like, we know. We saw 50 Shades. Can you guys not even hear Armie Hammer's name? Just say in the name. People are like, oh. That girl thinks he should eat ladies. No.

But yet this guy we like. This guy is like. Boy, oh boy. Like Army Hammer. Like that's a horny movie. That's a movie that gets it right. Call me by your name. Yeah. That's a movie that fucking. That's what I'm talking about. I'm just saying pre what we knew about Army Hammer.

about Armie Hammer. I just want to know why he wasn't on the casting doc. And by the way, if he was in these movies and then that stuff came out about him, people would have been like, of course we've seen him in the Red Room. Or, or, they would, like, I think what you're saying is we would have accepted it. We would have been like, it would have been like so ironic that the, I'm not arguing for him. I'm glad he's like in the Bahamas like dying or whatever's happening. I'm just saying there's an alternate world.

And Flanny, let's not have Armie Hammer come out for the surprise guest. So the... It's not Armie Hammer. It's Navy Screwdriver. Anyway, guys, hear me out. That is like my... Slack it out. That's the show, everybody. Thank you very much.

I had a friend in high school whose name was Dan Gross, and everyone would go, "Dan Gross?" He goes, "It's not gross. It's disgusting." It's a great bit. Four years, couldn't get tired of that bit. When you were saying, "What's the most ridiculous thing?" Yes, selling 200,000 books is ridiculous, but I argue that this scene is the most ridiculous scene. - Am I in the right office? - You had a makeover. Mr. Roach wanted to welcome the new fiction editor.

Who's the new fiction editor? You are. You got a promotion. I got a promotion? And you weren't even here. Hi, Hannah. Hi. Hi. How do you like the new digs? Amazing. I'm going to let you get settled in. And, Anna, good luck. Not that you need it. Who is that beautiful man? Oh, that's Sawyer, my personal security. Um, can we find a spot for him? I might have an opening. Hannah!

By the way, that single line from Hannah, if you've got an Anna in the movie, don't have a Hannah. That single line and its delivery should be the tone of the whole movie series. Yes! Hannah gets it. But this scene... I might have an opening. Hee-haw!

I have a couple things. Quick, sharp, funny, sexy. No. None of these characters can show any of those signs. Hotter than Edornis. Yes. All the leads are like. I thought that that guy was Sam Agar. The guy who. Well, I won't say. Britney Spears has it? Yeah. You thought that's who that was?

I thought it was for a second. Oh, you thought it was actually him? Yeah. I thought you meant it looked like him. Oh, I get it. What's crazy about Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey is that they walk through a world, Seattle, the most vibrant city in America. They walk through a world that everywhere they are, whoever is there desires them to the point of self-destruction. Yeah.

And they show nothing that would make you feel like this is interesting. It's not like, you know, sometimes you go to a party or you go to have a dinner and you're like, I want to know more. I want to hang out with this person. They show nothing that shows you anything of interest. Like, I am more interested in Hannah who seemed to be a contemporary of Anna and now is her... Well, they were assistants together. Did we ever

Hannah again? Never again. Because you played that and I said I don't even remember her. No, they kind of get in and out of characters in this thing real quick. They don't have enough time. She is, I believe, the only person of color in the entire trilogy. She should have been at the wedding. Which is shocking. She was too busy working. I mean, this... Hopefully she's fucking Sawyer.

This is my issue, though. This fucking scene is like my son has written the story. It's like, now you're the president. I am? When did that happen? Yesterday. And you already, everyone eats free cake. Oh.

All right, great. Let's do it. More cake. More cake, says the president. And then gets on an eagle and flies away. And I love that when they're proofing, or they're not proofing it, when they're in a conversation where they're like, we sold 200,000 copies or whatever. J.O. Saunders is like, you did it. And then she's like, you know what, though? Make the font two points bigger. Like she's just tossing that off like, publishing specifics. Make the font bigger. How small is that font?

My favorite moment is that she goes, hey, we didn't change your email. You know, we want to change it to Anastasia Gray. And she's like, no, I'll keep it as Anastasia Steele. Okay, cool. And then beep, beep, beep. What the fuck? You don't have an email? I'm like, how did he find it? He sent you an email and it bounced back. Immediately. But that means he guessed. He was like, I'm going to send it to Anastasia Gray.

I'm going to send my wife an email. I'm not going to use the phone. I'm not going to text how we normally do. I haven't sent my wife an email in years. I believe it's not a guess. It's a test. Okay, well, that would give the movie a lot of credit. He's like, she started work 30 minutes ago. Let me type in Anastasia Gray. It better fucking go through. He hasn't even, even if she did change it, it might have bounced back. She just got the job. She just got the promotion.

Oh, my. And by the way, what a bold move to be like, has that ever happened in real life? Someone decorates your office without any input? And gives you a promotion without you knowing and sends the bitchy lady to tell you? None of this movie happens. None of what happens in any of these movies happens in real life. We made your office a nautical theme. You're not on a car chase through the streets of Seattle, I believe, to Jamiroquai.

And then you get into a parking garage and fuck like it's David Cronenberg's Crash. A movie I desperately wish I'd seen instead, which is so much fun.

much hornier than this movie. This movie, anytime there's stress, anytime there's happiness, anytime there's any emotion, fucking is just, like, that's the go-to. And I feel like that may have taken away some plot points or some drama, right? Like, I think you need people to talk about things at a certain point. Yeah, yeah. They don't seem interested in interrogating any personal anything. Alright, let's go to you. Your name? Alyssa. Alyssa, what's your question? Okay, so if Jack

Hyde can break into like Christian Grey's office building which has I'm guessing a top notch security system because he's the most tech guy ever and he is he he owns a blow dry bar and we know that and a publishing house

And energy. Yeah. And energy stuff. And he flies a bunch of different helicopters. And one time he was working on a MacBook that seemed to be off. Also, as a security guy, his text messages show up on his screen, no passcode. Yes. Yes.

Let me think about it. Okay. Yes, but for the purpose of this question. Right, right. He's complicated. But my question is, why, if he can, like, design a bomb and trick these securities and, like, break into high whatever places, why the fuck is he a publishing editor? Why not become a master spy? Where did he get all these skills? He's able to dupe a key card. He has the hacking equipment to set a bomb in the server room. By the way...

I want to watch a movie about Jack is the most interesting character in this trilogy. Jack. Full stop. Justice for Jack. Justice for Jack. I don't care about these rich fucks.

But here's my question about Jack. Jack already did the most insane thing, which was plant a bomb on Christian's helicopter, which they just kind of say in the past. He's like, oh, by the way, they did tell me there was a bomb on there. Anyway, like... So the movie only exists because withholding information is integral to their relationship. But I mean, so he... But when he goes to the server room, I didn't understand...

Why stop there? Like, it just seemed like he just upset the servers? It didn't seem like anything... No, I think it was so he could steal files without being... Files for... Of what? Of what? Good books to publish. Yeah. I don't... That, I don't know. Yeah, because it's like... I was expecting him to go like...

Like in the paper, we would see all those NDAs that he's made these women sign that we've set up. And then it gets like released. Oh, he's like this guy. Something he could blackmail them with. Like he's a blackmailer in the story you find out and so forth. But nothing. Nothing seems to come of it. Well, the movie isn't interested in building any plot. I'm sure it's in the books and someone will correct us and tell us exactly why. But the movies aren't interested in building out the thriller element of it. They just want to have a couple of thrilling set pieces.

Right. They don't want to actually be like, here's the why of this. It's every element in a thriller without any of the payoff or setup. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, ooh, we need a car chase. Ooh, yeah, someone should get shot. Oh, and maybe the twist. Oh, yeah, it's the HR person. Ooh, we never would have thought that. Now, hang on a second. I feel like maybe we should have a scene where we see Jack and understand what his motivation is. No, sorry. Just a scene where Christian Grey plays Baby, I'm Amazed.

Yeah, the piano, yeah. We're going to put that in instead of the plot stuff. Just because sexy? That was pretty hot. He was playing the piano. He was like, baby, I'm amazed. I was like, yes. Yes, play piano on my pussy. I can't top that. Tickle the ivory. That was the most action. Him doing the piano. I was like, oh, maybe he can fuck. Oh, yeah. I don't know.

Yes, your name, your question. Hi. Hi, Alyssa. Just for the audience, ladies, you announced your pregnancy. Granted, you forgot to take your birth control, but your man leaves, gets drunk with his pedophile rapist, comes home hammered, hits on you, and we're going to forgive him and just keep on chugging on? We're not going to talk about this? We're not going to talk about this.

They never talk about anything. I'm surprised. That definitely felt like they needed to go on another glider ride because whenever they do anything that is that upsetting, they need to go up in the air. They need to go on another helicopter. If only couples therapy existed in the world of these movies. Yeah. Well, also, she

gets mad she's like how dare you go be with Elaine or whatever Kim Basinger right and then she gets kicked and she's in the hospital she wakes up and he's like I want to marry you and she's like that's tight we're done here and I was like so you were that was that only the only thing you want you were never mad at Elena you just wanted him to marry but he already married you and like do you know what I mean

Well, the scene that is to me one of the most insane is the scene in the closet where she's getting dressed. She's in her underwear. She puts on all of her undergarments, then her boots. What?

Well, this is the... I felt like they did that because this was the only scene in which they were talking about their interior emotional states. Right. And E.L. James must have been like, this is boring. So during this...

She's getting dressed, but never puts on enough clothes. And now she can't put pants on. Her shoes are on. She just puts on underwear and then, I guess, boots to fill up the rest of the time? And that's the scene. And it's insane. I mean, that...

I also will say that one of the saddest things I saw in this movie was her storming out of the bedroom and then taking a blanket into the playroom and sleeping on one of those fuck couches. In the red room? Yeah. We know they have a guest bedroom. That was established in the first movie. They have 10 guest bedrooms. Oh, yeah. Go to the guest bedroom.

Why did she want to go to the Red Room? It's also something that the Red Room would remind you of things that you don't want to be reminded of. This is a movie or a series of stories that are not interested in real growth in any meaningful way. Yeah, Christian Grey is not changed. It's all about like, don't look in that closet. Don't look in that room. It's fine. Yeah. Like both mentally and... But you know, I don't...

be okay with that if they're like, we're not going to do any real growth? Because again, it's a sexy movie. The demo is women. Go ahead. No, please go ahead. Okay, this is an important point to me and to everyone out here. It's for women, okay? Sexy, sexy movie. For women by women. For women by L.E.L. James. For women by woman. By woman. By woman. We see Dakota Johnson's boobs a million times. No dick. No. No dick? I will say. We rock.

tonight! In the first movie, you see like almost the top of his dick. The little V. Like the dick neck. You know, you see just the neck where it connects to the pelvis. Well, I think that this is the issue. Truthfully.

Basically when... CGI? Somebody just said CGI? Put the dick in. Yeah, put the dick in! Let's get in the volume. Let's put dicks in this thing.

Jamie Dornan, when they were shooting the first movie, said, I will not do full frontal. And that caused a lot of uproar with the fans. And I have a feeling that when Charlie Hunnam dropped out, they probably had a hard time finding a guy to do full frontal. I will say, when Charlie Hunnam dropped out, I connected with the producers and said, I will show my dick.

In this movie. And they were like, please, no. We're not interested. Here's my question. Paul, if you don't mind, and I know that sometimes you ask the question askers to provide a this or a that. I would like for the people to suggest an actual movie that is horny for them. Oh, yeah. A la Nine and a Half Weeks or Angel Heart or whatever is a set. Angel Heart? But can I just say right now? So?

Salt burn, the last three minutes, a full dick dance. Oh, yeah. He's just like... Oh, yeah. Murder on the dance floor. Murder on the dance floor. More than 50 shades of gray. Oh, yeah. My favorite thing about salt burn is that Barry Keoghan said, like, there's that scene at the grave site, and he goes, yeah, that wasn't in the script. I just, I said I had an idea, and I wanted to do this. And no one knew. I wanted to fuck the grave. Oh.

Or if you don't want to say what movie you think is sexy, you can also say... No, say it. You can also talk about your favorite part of Salt Burn. Okay. All right, fair. Here we go. Hi, what's your name? David. David, what's a movie that you think is sexy? Two Moon Junction. I was going to say two moon. Home run movie. Yeah.

All right, so what's your question? I've never heard of this. I've got to read it. Is it Sherilyn Fenn? Sherilyn Fenn. Sherilyn Fenn. Yeah. So I watch with the captions on, like Jason says to do, and I notice that all the music cues... By the way, thank you. Yes, thank you. Thank you for your service. The music is always just describing literally what they're doing. Yes, I noticed that too. Like, we're going to go up, up, up, and they get on a plane. And so...

At the end, the music says, I can't think straight. And then he says, you're topping from the bottom, Mrs. Gray. Which topping and bottoming in the gay world means something very specific, which they are not doing. So I was wondering, what do you think topping from the bottom means? I feel like he's, I feel like, I mean, somebody can correct me if I'm wrong. I feel like the sentiment of what he's saying is you are doming from the sub, right?

Right. Right? Is that right? Because she's... But yeah, those are words that he could have used. She's saying to him, come in. She's calling the... She's calling the session. She's saying, yes. I see. I see. She's making him do a thing. Which is what I thought from episode one. I thought this is what was going to happen. But we never really fully get there. Like, we get close to it, right? But yeah, I think he could have just said we're doming the sub, not we're topping the bottom.

But yeah, it's weird to interchange those words that are so prominent in these three films. Like, it seems like that's the word that you would go back to. But that's a good question. Here we go. What's your question? What's your name? What's your sexy movie? My name's Jason. Hey, cool dude. This guy gets it. Showgirls. And then, so I didn't read the book. Wait, with Nomi Malone? I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I didn't read the book, but I read the wiki and Jack was bailed out by Kim Basinger's ex-husband who was jealous of the affair that she had had with Christian and his revenge was years later when he was in his late 20s, he paid the half million dollars to bail out Jack.

Wait, this is a pitch or this is real? Hold on. That's amazing. So in the book, in the book, Fifty Shades Freed, the way that Jack Hyde gets out of jail is that Kim Basinger's husband, who is jealous of Kim Basinger's ex-husband, who is jealous that Christian Grey... This is great. Why is that not in the movie? It should be in the movie. That's a good... Oh, it is? Wait, hold on. How is it? How is it?

It's almost, it's like a throwaway line when they show Kim Basinger at the end. On the newscast, they mention it really pretty far. They do? Yeah. How did I miss this? How did I miss it? I wasn't paying attention to the newscast. I was.

Maybe it was the unrated one. I must have been. Oh, maybe it was the unrated. Oh, yeah. Oh, it's only in the unrated. I didn't watch the unrated. Did you watch the version where Kim Basinger is in it? Yes. For like two seconds. Okay, yes. Okay, that is the one that they cut her out. For a minute, I was like, how did I miss it? But just to be clear, the unrated version is like, we're going to add a newscast. Yeah. The unrated one is like, we will answer a question. It's not like you can see an uncut dick. It's just like.

Are you ready for your song? Yeah, come on up. You know the drill. By the way, those were all great questions and much better sexy, horny movies. Yes, yes. Well, obviously we had opinions about this movie, but there are people out there with a different opinion. It is now time for Second Opinions. If I was your husband Would you let me pay you? Buy you a place of work and fire your boss for being a man

Hey, hey, a really gross man. I take your best friends on vacation. Take care of you. Let you hang with them for fun when only I can. Hey, hey, when only I can. I was your husband. Could I buy you a dream house? Also buy you a car and a wardrobe for when we go out.

Not that you're helpless, but sometimes, sometimes, those are the things that financial control's about. Would you let me braid your hair? Can I call you mommy sometimes? Or can we go to the playroom, or maybe we could just go to a movie and rate it together? Because to me, baby, that would be five stars. Yeah! Amazing! Give it up for Jen! Yes!

Great job, Jen. Show it to them. Yes. Give it up for Jen. Yes. That's how it's done. All right. These are five-star reviews from Amazon. Now, here's the interesting thing. First movie, 70,000 reviews. Second movie, 40,000 reviews. Third movie, 20,000 reviews.

86 of these reviews are five-star reviews. Sorry, 86%. So sorry. 86% are five-star reviews. And here we go. We'll start off with KB. KB titles their review hot. This movie is just plain sexy. The only part about it is the pregnancy thing. I could have done without that. He's a billionaire. If he wanted kids, he would have had them already. LAUGHTER

I loved that his reaction to that news was so realistic and what he said was spot on. If I were him, I'd be totally P.O.'d as well. It ruins the fantasy. Can't we just have one movie about young, beautiful, fabulously wealthy people without it being ruined by children? Yeah.

Even sex in the city wasn't safe. Thanks, Steve and Miranda, but whatever. Ah, Miranda. Ah, Miranda. Other than the pregnancy part, yeah, it was lovely. Five stars. Now this one by Jan was a little surprising. Jan titled it, Loved It, but we would love it so much more.

loved the unrated version. They should have had that version in the theaters. Now here's the thing I wish they would do as an anniversary for Fifty Shades. I would love for them to have all the deleted scenes added to the unrated versions of the movies. I did a poll and over 250 people have said they would buy it completed like that. I hate having to see the deleted scenes as extras. If they were just added to the movie it would flow so much better. Plus...

I'm sure there were some scenes that were never even used for deletions that were just extra and put away. So come on, Universal. We would like an uncut, unrated version of the movies with all the deleted scenes that were added to the movie to run straight through them. Five stars. By the way,

If they were smart, they would be marketing uncut versions. If they were smart, they would be unrated. Fuck you. Alan T. writes good love story for love with a certain twist. It was enjoyable to watch. Would recommend you to watch it with a lover. I always hear of women getting charged up big time watching any of these three movies.

I don't like the way you're saying any of this. I don't like that this has been written, but I definitely don't like your interpretation. Five stars. That's chilling. Now, we've been hitting one-star reviews as well, and this is the one that I really enjoyed from an Amazon customer. Couldn't even put down their name. First, you had no directions on how to hook this DVD to your cable TV. LAUGHTER

Who is the you in that sentence? I think Amazon. Who's you? Amazon? Then... What's shocking is that this is... Oh, wait, go ahead. Sorry, sorry, sorry. First, you had no directions on how to hook this DVD to your cable TV. Then, when I saw on the computer this IN YOUR FACE MOVIE, all in caps, I just simply put it in the garbage.

If someone wants to know about sex, well, there's lots and lots of books. And more tasteful ones, like The Joy of Sex and The Kumasatra. Wow. As a SAG actor. Twist!

I really deplore this so-called movie. I can't tell you with all the publicity how abhorrent this movie was to me. God, what audacity to make, all in capital, this so-called movie. To me personally, as a SAG actor...

My standards are high and it pains me that it's happening in this industry. One star. I simply put it in the garbage. My God, a bigger twist than H.R. Liz is that they were a SAG actor. Wow. Holy shit. And they're trying to connect DVDs to cable players. As a SAG actor, I don't know how to hook this up.

Oh, my God. But I do want to have our final opinion before we get into our final opinions given by June Diane Rayfield. June, who is sick, refused to be on camera. We did not have a masquerade mask, but but we do have this clip and we have a special guest here, too. So let's just see if this will work. You know, the thing that I was most resentful of is the last shot of the third movie.

she's sitting reading a book and he walks over with their son who's like a toddler. And then as the camera pans out, you realize she's also very pregnant, their second child. And I'm watching and I felt so mad because I'm like, I don't care how rich you are. No mom of a like 15 month old boy and pregnant has time to read a book.

I thought you were going to say then he says, come to my playroom and like straps her down onto one of his torture devices. Okay. No, I would have preferred that. I found this to be so pretty offensive. That's the most offensive.

Everything else I was getting. He puts her in a dog collar. I don't care. I was like, great. Respectful. Respectful. Portrayal of women. Respectful portrayal of women. And yet this one. Seeing her with that book, I was like, don't disrespect us. That's crazy. What a crazy take. I'm so sad that the people won't hear this hot take. Don't disrespect us like that. So that is June's hot take. With Jessica St. Clair. With Jessica St. Clair, who has not seen the movie.

And today did ask me sincerely what Riz was. And I refused to tell her. Little does she know it's just an internet search away. But one of the...

One of the things that I wrote, which I do wish had come true, is at a certain point, I think maybe when they were in Aspen or whatever, somehow something unfolded that I said, oh, is this whole movie basic, or this whole series of movies for Anastasia Steele a The Game situation? Is every, like I felt like Jack and Liz from HR and Hannah and everybody were kind of going to be like, ha ha, we're all acting.

actors we're sag actors this whole thing has been a game for you put on by your friend kate huzzah that's the only way this movie makes any sense i got an elaborate graduation present from her absentee mom imagine you are jack and you realize your assistant's boyfriend is the guy that stole your life

that's fucking bananas. The coincidences in this series are absolute insanity. I mean, the way that they open up an envelope at the end, she's like, oh, what's that envelope? He's like, all this evidence and all the plot. She's like, oh, let me open it up. All the pages we didn't shoot. It's script pages from scenes we didn't shoot. Says here that Jack's going to be okay, but they got some evidence on him. Oh, here's a picture. Wait, hold on. What's that picture? That's me.

That's him. I guess we're in the same foster home. All right, well. And then she's like, you can't cook. And he's like, I guess we're going out for dinner. And it's like, dun, dun, dun. Like, give me a fucking break. You don't get to do that, movie.

It's so oddly unfulfilling that as he is tossing the pasta that he's made, he's like over his shoulder going, oh, now it all makes sense. And then he could keep that envelope closed for so long. If someone passed me an envelope like, hey, this is why this person tried to abduct your wife and tried to kill you, I would open that envelope right away. It would be like an after dinner envelope. I'll crack into that later. Yeah.

I didn't crack into any of the extra scenes, deleted scenes, any of that. I didn't watch the unrated version. I keep forgetting to. Thank God I didn't. It would have been longer. The deleted scenes, there's a giant scene of Rita Ora playing chess on the airplane. Just her, just chess champ. Really? Amazing. I think there might have been a deleted scene where they're all having breakfast in Aspen at the table and the brother is like, how come the table smells like rancid milk and swamp ass? Yeah.

If I walk in to a communal breakfast table and somebody's like, we fucked on this last night. I'm like, get the fuck out of here.

I don't want that. I don't want fucking ass, fucking sweaty ass on the table where we eat breakfast. Get him out of town. There's a movie called Going the Distance with Justin Long and Drew Barrymore. And they fuck on a table and then the next day they're eating Thanksgiving on it. And they're all disgusted by it. It's one of my favorite scenes because it's like two people know that it's all disgusting and then turkey legs are falling off on it. And they're like... It's like...

We need a little bit more comedy in these. I was very bummed out by this movie. I thought it was going to get sexier. And I just watched it and I was like, he's emotionally abusive. He's financially abusive. He's almost physically abusive. He doesn't show his dick. He's not good at sex. He uses a tiny vibrator. The wedding was ugly. He's not funny. He's not charming. He did give her a publishing job. I liked that. Yes.

At the end of it, I was like, this fucking sucks. And then she goes in for that last montage that you talked about. And he is, for the final montage where she goes through their whole relationship, he's doing a Pilates pose where it's just his arms holding his whole body up. Yes, right. He's like levitating, just as his arms. And she looks at him and thinks through their entire fucking relationship and

And then he's still holding the pose. It's all scenes from the movie. Yeah, all scenes from the movie. Like as if it's a recap of the trilogy of movies that you have loved. As if, no, it's as if that they're, it's like what they did at the end of the Fast movies when, you know, they're kind of sending off their characters. Okay, yeah. Don't. I'm like, and it felt like they were like, and that's the end. We know he died. Yeah.

But I was like, are these parents dead? Are they dead? I can't hear that. Oh, Walker's dead. Pablo's dead. That is sad. She thinks through three movies of her relationship and he's still holding the post. And I was like, all right. In my mind, as she remembers all of these things, she should be like, oh, wait a minute. I got to get out of here.

Right. This is a bad relationship. I've been tricked. Oh my God. I'm 20 years old. I should just leave. I am a prisoner. What is also funny about this is like, oftentimes like montages like this are shown like to like, oh my gosh, look how they've grown. The amount of time has passed. Three weeks have passed. They nothing like they're interchangeable scenes because you're like, I,

That scene in movie one. I think they're shooting movie. They're showing scenes from this movie in the montage of their relationship. What's insane is that both she and Kate, the college roommates, both graduate, get jobs, and marry billionaire brothers in the course of six weeks. Okay, so this movie is for women. Holy shit. What a fucking mess.

I think that like there's been a, like, you know, I think that people look at this movie in a way that is unfair because they judge it as being like, oh, it's just like sex and it's this and it's just gross. It's so much more. It's just really terrible movies. Yeah. And I feel like people don't highlight that enough. It's like we don't talk about like, no, no, there's choices here that make no sense. I wasn't expecting that. I was expecting like just gratuitous sex. Which would have been awesome. I was hoping for that. To be clear, I was hoping.

would have been like yes make more of this all sex yeah I was nervous to do these it's gonna be us talking about sex no no you're talking about espionage actually

Take me to pound town. That's what I'm interested in. That's not in this. No. This was three nights where I was like, well, maybe I'll finally go. Oh, boy, it's so boring. And each movie gets darker and darker, so you're seeing less and less. Yeah. And one of the handcuffs, I'll just say, one of the handcuff scenes, he handcuffs her wrist to her ankle and then her wrist to her ankle, and it's like, so it's still missionary. Yeah.

It's never not missionary. Kim Basinger did a shit job teaching him how to fuck.

The set decorators had such a blast building the Red Room. It is decadent and enormous and has every sex toy in the world. They use like two items and just fuck missionary. That's it. There are more interesting things up and displayed, but he's always like, go in the top drawer. Left one. Get the smallest thing out of there. Bring it over to me. It's like in the movie Last Night, he brings out nipple clamps.

but demonstrates them on her finger only. That in microcosm is what this movie series is about sex. Here's the thing. It's outrageous if you've never been exposed to it, but I'll just do it on your finger. It's okay. It's okay. So that's it. We have done it, Jason, Chelsea. We have done all three movies. Thank you to our audience. Thank you to our...

To everybody who's come here all three nights. Everyone who's come here. Yes, everyone has come. How many people came three nights? Raise your hands. Whoa. Oh, man, the front rows are really representing. We're going to let you take a picture in a second, but Chelsea, tell everybody about your book so we can make our... I don't have a picture of it. Sorry, I'm queuing up something else. All looking at the screen like, let's go.

Yes, would love to tell you about my book. If you like crazy sex scenes, read a different book. Not in mine. In my book, I date a magician who was an improviser. Wait, wait, wait. Now, one of those things is not cool and one is cool? Yeah. What about an over 50-year-old improviser? Yeah.

Okay, back in business. Middle-aged man. Middle-aged man. I wrote a comedy gal memoir that also has some sad parts in it. And if you like stuff like that, get my book. It's called I Shouldn't Be Telling You This. And I just want to clarify...

If you sell 500 books, they would be like, that's a good book. And just to remind you, she sold 200,000. 200,000. Can I ask you a question? That is like, yeah, that's Harry Potter level. For a political thriller parodying Dante's Inferno. Week one. Is your book out now? My book is not out now. Thank you, Kate. So pre-order the book. Pre-order my book.

If you pre-order my... In the name of not seeing Jamie Dornan's dick, pre-order my book, Give Money to Women Authors. And my book has a picture of Jamie Dornan's dick, so you put it together, or there's like both pictures. You have to put both books together like Voltron, and you finally see his full dick and balls. But as you leave tonight...

And you're waiting for your car to come or you're at the bar afterwards, fire up Amazon or go to an independent bookseller of your choice. Barnes and Noble. Pre-order both of these books because pre-orders mean so much. So much. It's so crazy. And you have a podcast called Glamorous Trash, right? Yeah, where we read celebrity memoirs. We talk pop culture. We just did Barbra Streisand's, which is, you know, it's a 900-page book, Mike.

favorite part of her book, and this is going to be a little spoiler alert for you, is in the beginning, she's like, I met Warren Beatty when I was 16, and he was a nice guy, nothing happened. Page 900, that is 48 hours later. I did fuck Warren Beatty. Oh, okay! Okay!

And she spends a lot of the time in the beginning going, all these men make up all these stories that I fucked them. I didn't fuck any of them. I remember everybody that I fucked. Yes! I did fuck him. Yes. Yes. It's as if, like, it's as if the 48-hour record, she was like, wait a second. It's almost like she just got so tired recording the audio book that she just was like, just saying truths. She was like, whatever. And

editor who was like she said no and then she said yes went yeah leave it in leave it in to prince to prince uh anyways so if you want to hear us talk about that for an hour and a half we'll give you all the highlights i cannot wait it's so good all right thank you everybody what a great week what a great time thank you thank you thank you we'll be back here and you can catch jason and i next month here at dinosaur uh february 23rd thank you so much bye good night

What a show. Thank you so much to Chelsea Devantes for helping us close out our Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy. And a huge thank you, as always, to the wonderful staff at Largo. I am talking about Alec up in the booth, Michael Griffey-Flanny, and everyone else who makes our shows run so damn smooth. Now, if you want to feel like you are a part of the live audience at the Fifty Shades of Grey,

Freed live show. Well, you can buy yourself a shirt. It's the same shirt we designed for the other two episodes. It's Christian Gray's Nonsensical Company. The shirt says Gray Enterprises, colon, business, telecommunications, independent publishing, blow-dry bars, and charity. And you can buy this shirt and more at tpublic.com slash stores slash HDTGM if you have a correction or omission.

For this episode, please leave a message on our Discord at discord.gg slash hdtgm or leave me a voicemail at 619-Paul-Ask or leave me and Jason a voicemail and ask us for help with that same number. Then make sure you tune in next week to our Last Looks follow-up episode for Fifty Shades Free to hear me respond to your messages and...

We'll also be going back to talk about Ronal the Barbarian, so you still have time to submit your Ronal comments as well. People, a month away from my book release, that's right, Chelsea and I, back-to-back books. I'm coming out in May, she's coming out in June, but here's the best part. You can

pre-order them now. Head to my website. You'll see where I'm touring. Dinosaur is going to be in Chicago. We're also going to be in Seattle. We're also going to be in Portland. I'm also going to be back in Chicago doing a book thing. I'm going to be in New York doing a book thing. I'm going to be in Canada and Toronto doing a book thing. I have so much book stuff coming, but don't let that stop you from buying the book. Buy the book now. Go

at any retailer at all. Local, big box, online, whatever you do. And make sure you sign up for exclusive access to my pre-order area of my website where you'll see videos and pictures that no one else will see. People, that's all I got. Remember, you can find us

everywhere at HDTGM or visit us at HDTGM.com. If you love the show, tell your friends to listen to it too. Seriously, honestly, word of mouth is the best mover of this pod. And you know what? It's a lot more fun arguing about bad movies with a buddy. And last but not least, I got to say thank you to all your listeners who support this show every week and our entire team who this show couldn't be done without. I'm talking about our producer, Scott Sonney, Molly Reynolds, our movie pick

producer Avril Haley, our engineers Casey Holford and Rich Garcia, and our associate producer Jess Cisneros. That's all I got, people. We will see you next week. Until then, bye for now. I'm just gonna be here now

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