Matinee Monday: Lake Placid LIVE! (w/ Paul F. Tompkins & Nate Corddry)
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BAS.com slash bonkers and use the code bonkers at checkout. Everyone loves Betty White, even crocodiles. We saw Lake Placid, so you know what that means. Scream!

Howdy. Schwarzenegger groove, baby, in his belly. Rock around, stone vest, while ripping Justin to Kelly. Or maybe see a burlesque show with Hit Crow. And take a boat with Speed 2 hitting cruise control. J-Man, Big Paul, and the beautiful June. Gonna take you from the groove all the way to the room. Branded games and street fire that help to blow off steam. Just a sucker punch to Odd Life of Timothy Green. Shock, needle, and birdemic, how we stay in the lot. They call it in the badass, and he's on the line. Crankin' 88.

People of Earth! People of...

We are live at Largo in Los Angeles. Very exciting. We are very excited to be here. For those of you that are not here, I just dropped a bunch of stickers on the floor there. So there's a ton of stickers. My great sticker passing out hit a real snag.

Basically, it's roadkill on the back. So if anyone didn't get a sticker, just right back there. There's a ton. And I couldn't pick them up as quickly as I wanted to. All right, ladies and gentlemen, we have a very exciting show. Finally, a movie that shows that nature and man can't coexist. And we're going to discuss it, analyze it, and get to the bottom of it all. And I need to do that with one of my co-hosts, Jason Manzoukas. Bring him out. What's up, jerk? How are you, Jason?

I'm good, Paul. How are you? Very good. How are you recovering from the great sticker debacle of 2015? Well, look, it was touch and go. You know, I feel like I'm not here, but I am here. I have to be here. You got to get your head back in this game, bro. When I dropped those stickers, the first thing I saw was that exit sign. Oh, and you were like, that's it. Gone. I'm going to go right out the door. I'm just going to walk right out. I cut those stickers up all fucking day.

And then that happened. So there's a lot of wet blood fart stickers on the ground. A lot of stickers from Congo that says Amy thinks you're ugly on the ground. Now, sadly, June Diane Rayfield cannot be here tonight. Very sad. Yeah, more than that, right? Come on, yeah. Give it her. Yeah. Thank you. Make her feel loved. She's off recording her own mini episodes about these movies now. We have in her steed

How did this get made all-star? A hilarious guy, actor, comedian, podcaster. Please welcome Paul F. Tompkins! Hello, friends. Welcome, Paul. Welcome, welcome. Paul, you have done the Lord's work. Obviously, this is a show that...

Jason, June, and I, we have to watch these movies all the time. You gladly jumped into June's spot and watched both of these movies. That's right. We're responsible for over three and a half hours of your life kind of pissed away. Look, I'm a grown man and I make my own choices, Paul. But...

If I may, indulge me for just one second. The renting of these movies, because they were not streaming on Netflix. Sure. You could not find them on YouTube. Sure. You could go to Blockbuster, though, probably, right? I did not. I can't find my card. I went to Hollywood Video.

So I rented them on iTunes and then tried to play them on my television through my computer and then that was a whole big thing. My wife is sitting next to me as I'm trying to... Do you have an Apple TV, Paul? I do. I do. Did you set it up for mirroring? I did. I did. No. It was all supposed... Everything's supposed to work. It's just like watching that thing spin, spin, spin. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm getting very frustrated because every technology in my life takes two or three tries to happen. Yeah. I would love for it to happen right out of the gate.

never will ever again apparently that's just the world that I live in now I identify with that as I sat on my living room floor last night with my laptop in my lap in front of my TV watching this because there was no there's some issue with my TV and it was not working and I'm like welcome back to tech talk with Paul Paul and Jason well

Now here's where... We're talking some of the kooky, crazy problems we're having with our tech. But Jason, here's where it stops getting techy and starts getting real. Oh! Let's have a house meeting. Sparked a class...

It sparked a classic mini argument with my wife. - Oh no. - Which is like, I'm getting frustrated by a thing. And at first my wife has like sniffed a little bit at the idea that I had to pay money to rent these bullshit movies. And she's like, "Well you had to rent them. "Did you try Netflix?" Like, "Yes, I tried Netflix." So then like as the thing is spinning, she's like, "Did you look on Amazon Instant Video?" I'm like, "Yes, I did!"

And then while the thing is spinning... You sound like an asshole. Oh, I'm the worst. I'm the worst. I'm ready to come in now and be like, oh, no, thumbs down on you. I'm filled with rage. And so, like, as the thing is spinning, I surreptitiously look on my laptop like, oh, it is on Amazon Instant Video. And so I have to tell her, it is on Amazon Instant Video. And she goes, well, you could have saved money. I was like, you still have to pay to rent it. Ah!

So? I was married. Then I apologized. Then I apologized. Then there's like 30 seconds and then I start apologizing. Babe, I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I'm really sorry. You were right and I was wrong. My wife will make, while we're watching movies for this show, my wife is in this show, we'll make deals. But it would be better if you don't mention who it is. I will. I will.

She'll convince me, she'll convince me, she's like, let's just watch 15 minutes of it and then we can watch the rest of The Bachelor. And so then watching one of these movies is almost like a four night event because we'll watch like 15 minutes at a time. See, that sounds depressing to me. Yeah, it's not good. I postpone and then I watched both of these today. Yeah. Almost killed myself.

And instead came here and talked to you good people about it. But it was misery. It was like Saturday. It was hot. And I was like, I am, I feel gross. I gave them each a day. I gave them each their own day. Well, let's see if this gentleman, our special guest for the night, also had problems with technology. He is a fantastic actor. He has a brand new podcast on Wolf Pop called Reading Aloud. Please welcome Nate Corddry. Welcome, Nate. Nate Corddry!

What up, what up? Very excited to have you on the show. Thank you for having me. How was your technology issues? Mine was flawless. I watched it at 2.30 on Amazon Instant Video. Wow. And I don't have a wife, so none of this jibber-jabber in my ear.

I was in my underwear. I'm with you, man. Just dying alone. Watching terrible movies by my house, by myself, dying alone. We've got it figured out, Nate. I specifically drove to Subway to get my favorite sandwich, and I ate it while I watched this turd of a movie. Wait, wait, wait. Your favorite sandwich? Yes. Can I ask? Can I ask? Yeah. Your favorite sandwich at Subway? Or you're saying give it...

Give it a choice of anywhere. Give it all sandwiches. Your favorite is that supper. We're only asking you this sarcastically because we know it should be at Jersey Mike's.

This episode of How Did This Get Made brought to you by Trippy Mike's. I'm more of a blimpy guy. I'm from the East Coast, so I like blimpy. Blimpy always scared me. What's the one, there's like a Fat Mike's or something, it's like Fat Somebody, it's a new place. Oh, that's Turtles from Entourage's sandwich shop. Yes. Was it Fat Sal's? Fat Sal's. Was it a thing that was on the show and then came into real life? No, he, from what I understand, he...

I know, yes. He was on the show Entourage. Jesus. Yeah. Entourage. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Paul. I got it confused. I thought you were referencing his character from Think Like a Man. No, it wasn't in that. Also named Turtle. That actor has changed his name to Turtle, correct? That's right.

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To start off the talk about Lake Placid, I will say this. People always ask me, "What is the sign? Like, why do you know it's a bad movie?" And there's certain things I always say when there's like a prolonged like surfing or skateboarding sequence, that's a sign. But the thing that is a dead giveaway for me of a bad movie

is when the movie does not even reach 90 minutes. Yes. Oh, yeah. This movie... 83. 83 minutes. And I counted at the beginning and at the end. The movie doesn't start until about two and a half minutes, and there's about three minutes of credit. So at the 83, take away five more. So it's in the 70s of actual written, like, written produced material. It still feels too long. Yes. Oh, I...

I'm shocked to find out that that's how long it was. It feels very long. Absolutely. But you should be... If your movie is under 90 minutes, you'd be ashamed. Shame on you. This is like almost... This is just a little bit longer than an episode of Scandal. And then...

They make 24 of those fuckers a year, all right? That's what $35 million gets you. It gets you 83 minutes of the worst movie I've ever seen. Do you think that the problem... Do you think they had a problem padding it out because the central issue in the action of the movie is that the thing is just in a lake and doesn't care to come out of the lake? That seems to be a flaw in the movie to me. Also, there is nobody who is in danger...

Except for some animals and the people that go to the lake to look for the crocodile. Well, I wrote this. Otherwise, it's existed for years and has done nothing. This is a tourist attraction. Yes. This is essentially a horror movie for animals because if you, to think of it, more animals get killed than people. Yes.

Like, that's not appealing. Besides the fact... I will say this, though. Some of the best performances of the movie were done by cows. Cows were great. Got some good laughs. This is what I thought, too. I was like, I think the worst monsters in this movie are the people. Because they're fucking dicks. Everyone is a dick. Can I ask this question? Yeah.

Does anyone think they know who the hero of this movie is? Right. Let's get into it. I'm going to go run out there and let's see. Let's do a quick sampling. House lights. Quick sampling. Here we go. Just say who the hero is. Crocodile. We got no more hands. No more hands? The fish and game guy, Bill Palma. No more hands. Lake Placid. What do you say? Hector the Crocodile Whisperer. Who else? Now we're just naming. Bill Paxton? No. Bill Paxton. Bill Paxton.

How dare you? Can we fucking talk about this? How dare you? Stop pretending that it's confusing between Bill Pullman and Bill Paxton. It's not. This is not a Dylan McDermott, Dermot Mulrooney situation. Where you can see the face, but you can't remember which name goes. This is very different.

Well, that was just a quick sampling, and that was... Everyone had a different answer. Yeah. The Bill Paxton one being the most surprising. Here's what no one said. Bridget Fonda. She is definitely not the hero of this movie. She's just this, like, thing that I think we're supposed to despise as an audience because the other characters don't like her at all. Okay, now, this is what is... Okay, okay.

What is her deal? Oh, I think... Is she just New York? Is that it? She's from New York. She's a scientist. And she's a loner as a child. The skipping rock scene. Right. But she's made out to be a real bitch, but it's only because she's from New York? Yeah. She has also been jilted by Adam Arkin. Adam Arkin.

Heartthrob of the century. Adam Arkin has broken her boring heart. Playing the Bill Pullman role in this movie. Exactly. Adam Arkin. Oh, my God. He and Bill Pullman are out-boring-ing each other. They are both, like, flat. So, Bill Pullman, his entire movie is delivery. He watches multiple people die. Yes. Everything. The whole time, he's like, I don't know. What are we going to do? Right. Yeah.

Well, I would even go further to go up then I gotta do something about that crocodile We should get to bed the opening All the way from that to like all the way from I guess we should get to bed to shoot it Quick quick shoot it the most casual admonition to kill a monster in cinema history. Oh the Oh, it's coming literally the opening scene of the movie

the scuba diver, you know, tagging turtles, which I don't understand why the sheriff has to accompany him to that. Anyway, well, I won't really get into that logic, but the man is bitten in half. The sheriff go like, there is no shot. Yeah. Like you would think like, you'd be like, Oh my, what the fuck? Like, or anything. And he's like, Oh,

It's so muted. It's so muted. It's like, oh, yeah, out of milk. It's not even like he's jaded. No. He's like a small town sheriff. It's not like, oh, big city cop. Nope, another half of a body that I've found.

Zoinks. He didn't even find it. He pulled it out himself. He pulled it out. No reaction. And not only no reaction, the guy grabbed his hand and like in order to look and make a human connection in his moment of death. And Brendan Gleeson's like, eh.

Brendan Gleeson also uttered one of the greatest lines in film history with that diver before he was bitten in half where they're sort of playful with each other and the diver ribs him or something and I wrote this down. This is Brendan Gleeson's response. This is a complete sentence. Everyone's a comedian, sarcastic. Okay.

I watched the movie with subtitles on. Me too! That was the line. I thought I was having a stroke. Everyone's a comedian, sarcastic. He did not perform that comma. He's like Christopher Walken. I think he's reading the stage directions. He's supposed to say it sarcastically and go, everyone's a comedian. Everyone's a comedian.

I guarantee that's right. But you know who wasn't reading the stage directions with Bill Pullman? Didn't read a single one. Unless all of them were said like this, we gotta get out of here, whisper. I will say this, though. I believe after watching this, I think that... I'm so upset screaming.

I think that Brendan Gleeson is the only actor in this movie for whom this film is truly beneath. Like, everybody else, I'm like, "Yeah, I could see you in this movie, sure."

But Brendan Glaser is like, you deserve better than this, Brendan Glaser. Yeah, I agree, because he is a phenomenal actor, and it is tragic to watch him have to go through this. It made me uncomfortable. Versus, I am fine with another actor that I really like, Oliver Platt, whose face we are awkwardly looking at on screen right now. I'll turn it off. I am fine with them being like, hey,

Do you want to come play a super weird version of Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park? A more aggressive, unlikable version of Jeff Goldblum. We're going to make you somehow not sexier, but more sexually predatory than Jeff Goldblum. Kind of like Jeff Goldblum, but more rapey. Are you into that? Yeah.

But you'll also be comedic relief, but you're also gonna be like the sex symbol. - Yeah. The thing that bothers me most about this movie, and it's from the very beginning, is that this movie thinks that it's funny. - Right. - Yes! - It thinks that it's really funny. - Yeah. - And it's so fucking unfunny. - Yes.

It's like what the opening, like Brendan Gleeson, he doesn't like sarcasm and then he's sitting in the boat and then the guy's down there, you know, being scared by a fish. And a beaver. And a beaver. That was a beaver. The turtle was like, oh, turtle, okay. Whoa, where'd that beaver go? But then, so Brendan Gleeson eats a Twinkie. Is that supposed

he's eating a Twinkie? He eats two Twinkies. He's listening to the Partridge Family? Oh, yeah. Is that supposed to be funny? Like, these things are all very pointed, but they don't go anywhere. It seems like it's trying to make a comment. Yes. But it's not, but they don't know what they're trying to, yeah. Cabin fever-esque, like, trying to sort of deconstruct that medium a little bit, but...

David E. Kelly misses on every single one. I was just going to say, this is where we should mention this movie is written by David E. Kelly. David E. Kelly. At the height of being David E. Kelly, too. Right after Ally McBeal. I feel like he pumped out an Ally McBeal script. They're like, hey, we want you to write a movie. Sure. And there's another one. Hey, it's only 50 pages. Do you think... Go, go. You know that he writes... I worked on a show that he wrote, and he writes all his scripts longhand. No! No!

No! On yellow legal paper. Yeah, of course, on yellow legal paper. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what they all do. Then they hand it off to some fucking poor assistant like, yeah, type this up. Yep. You got to sort through their fucking chicken scratch of genius. Like, at least, at least, like, put it right on an Underwood typewriter so somebody can scan the pages. Oh, I hate that bullshit.

Nobody ever wrote out scripts longhand. Like, since the invention of scripts. Like, maybe Shakespeare? But since modern television, no one's writing scripts out in longhand.

I think he thinks he's a charming eccentric. Of course he does. Yeah, he's the opposite. Well, but that's what this movie kind of reeks of. It's like, yeah, I'm above that. I know what this is. And I'm, huh? Huh? It feels like. There's a lot of see what I did there. Oh, I imagine him typing a thing. Oh, not typing, of course. But at breakfast, he scratches out something on his legal pad. Then turns it around for Michelle Pfeiffer. And you're like, check it out.

And then she's like, I wish I could go back to Fisher Stevens. It's a real ex-boyfriend of hers. Look it up.

One of our researchers, Nate, just showed me his IMDB bio, which he believes David E. Kelly wrote because this is what it says. David Kelly might be described as living the American dream. 1990s style. Write a screenplay, move to Hollywood, make millions and marry a movie star. And then it's like, former Boston lawyer in the last decade, he switched careers, become a successful television producer whose shows are recognized for their quality as well as their ratings.

But the American Dream... The American Dream. Well, 1990s style. Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. Remember when Bill Clinton would give speeches and say, I hope that everyone will write screenplays

I want every American to stop being a lawyer. Stop being a lawyer. A successful television producer. Get them shows. Get a dancing baby. Yeah, that's hilarious, right? That's how funny that guy is. The one thing that this movie... The one thing that this movie...

brought to me too was just talking about the people in it I love Bridget Fonda like as a like as a person I was like you love her as a person? not as a person you are bro you are married no I love her as a but she's an actress that I feel like for a while was in everything and very good in everything or at least as I remember it to be and then just stopped and then I googled like what happened to Bridget Fonda and

Everyone is asking the same question. No one knows. She came out to stump for Obama, but that was about it. No one has seen her to know what she's doing. I know she married Danny Elfman. Yeah, from Oingo Boingo. And then I think she had a child and sort of abandoned the industry. How could she? How could she when there's things like Lake Placid? That could be happening to her. You're telling me...

That this person we really love and are gonna spend the rest of this time taking this movie piece by piece apart doesn't want to be part of making these movies anymore? What? To do what? Love a child? Boom. Hollywood is really messed up.

The one thing, and I couldn't, and because of this movie written in that tone of is it a joke or is it not, when everyone's like, is it a bear? Is it a bear? I'm like, wait, do they really think it's a bear? Because that's asinine. It's like an underwater bear that bit a man in the ass. There was an eye fucking witness. It wasn't like they found a

found a body on the shore and they go, which, by the way, is a better opening. Even if you're not like prehistoric crocodile, you're also not like bear. You know what I mean? You know something's up. Aquatic. Something aquatic. Something that lives in water. Something water-based. Yes. A bear. One of those water bears. One of them water bears. Maybe the bear got lost. Polar bear? They go in water.

Everybody. Yeah. You know, that's a really good point. I think Jason brought it up, or Paul, you brought up the fact that it doesn't affect anything. No one goes to this lake. No one's affected by this. It seems like this is a peaceful creature. Well, that's the thing. We find out that Betty White, you know, midway into the movie, has been feeding and raising these crocodiles. For years. For years. For years and years and years.

years and up until now the only people that have been killed are her husband and the turtle tagger yeah and that's it why why all of a sudden did this crocodile get a thirst for only because only because humans apparently once turtle tagger gets killed cannot get to this lake fast enough to be everybody's like i gotta get to that lake placid in new york no

In Maine. In Maine, yeah. Lake Placid is a place. Yes. In New York. That's right. This movie is not Lake Placid, New York. It is a movie called Lake Placid that's set in Maine. Go fuck yourself.

And again, that again, maybe something is lost in the longhand translation. Because it's like, why not just go back and go, yeah, let's put it at Lake Placid. Or let's not call it Lake Placid. They make a thing out of it. Yeah, we're going to call it Lake Placid, but there's another one. Because it's too clever a title to not use, Paul.

That lake was anything but placid. There was a giant prehistoric crocodile in there. And this movie, like, look, whatever movie you see out there, for even as dumb as Sharknado is, there is at least... How dumb is it? Sorry.

There is at least the smallest reasoning of what is going on. And I'm not saying it's good. I'm not saying it's worthy. But at least someone gave a shit to be like, well, this is my theory on what has happened. We feel obligated to say a thing caused this to happen. Here, nope. Our movie will be 90 minutes long. And we're not going to give you any, I mean, you put it together yourself. It was here all along. I don't know.

No, Betty White tells us it followed her husband home once. From fishing. But that was like from fishing in the lake? No, in the ocean, I think. Oh, okay. I thought it was fishing in the lake. Maybe. I don't know. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, followed him home. Didn't want to kill him. Just kind of like the boat. Well, what's weird is when Betty White feeds the crocodile a cow or whatever...

Where is she getting all these cows? That's really expensive. What's weird is she has a farm on a lake. You can't have a fucking farm on a lake in the middle of nowhere in Maine. What's weird is when she's leading the cow to the thing, the crocodile just sits in the water like this. Just waiting. Just like patiently waiting at the table. Like those YouTube videos of the dogs where they stick the treat on the nose.

And then she's like, she says, whatever, time to eat or whatever. And it's like, Ralph. And it just like munches down that fucking cow. But it seems to me that she's feeding the cows at an alarming rate. So she's either raising cows in a very speed, a sped up genetic system that we have not seen. Better movie. Or she's getting a better movie, 100%. Much better movie. Or she's getting... Betty White, cow cloner. Yeah.

What's it to you, fuck face? Yeah, yeah. No, she's, I think, fuck shit. Yeah, fuck shit. There's another line. I wrote down a line, too, that was also very weird, which Brendan Gleeson has, which is... I have one as well. He says to Oliver Platt, he says, I think you are a-mental.

Yes, yeah. The whole movie. I think you are a-mental. A-mental. Period. I rewound it three times. And he says it later in the movie. He says it multiple times. I think he's a total mental, he says to someone or something like that. But I believe you are a-mental. A-mental. And nobody was like, everybody was like, do we, do we,

Nobody was like, "You sure you want him to say that line?" Again, again, maybe I lost the translation between long form and the script. Well here's what wasn't. Here's a line that thank God made it from that yellow page to the screen. Bill Pullman and Bridget Fonda, they're meeting cute?

Oh, God. In the town square. They are meeting boring. After an exchange with that weird girl that comes up and says, I hear there's a monster in the lake. Oh. And then they say, no, it's not a monster. Then she says nothing. What? She just looks at them and walks off in the strangest way. Sexual, like, yes. I think it was supposed to be sexual, but she looks like a weird, marital.

marionettes. It's also that she's also a Stan Winston creation. That girl. It's also that Brendan Gleeson can be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's very erotic. He's like, turns in, it's like a weird Lenny and Squiggy moment for him. But again, that whole

Bill Pullman is calling her ma'am, Bridget Fonda. And at one point she says, if you call me ma'am one more time, I'll sue you. And with today's laws, it's possible.

Fuck you and your fake Howard Hawks screwball bullshit. Written? What are you, Aaron Sorkin with this? Written by a lawyer. Written by a lawyer. But that whole sequence is trying so hard to be screwball because she's carrying a can of Raid to kill mosquitoes. Now, again, you could use, there's plenty of insect repellent. She's using, Raid is cockroach repellent. Not a thing you're supposed to just spray.

Like that joke would have worked just as fine with like Off or any other fine quality product. Something with deep in it. I was going to say, do you think that it was like an E.T. Reese's Pieces situation where Off was like, we don't want our product in your boobie. They're like, no sweat, we're going to go to Rave. Fuck you, Off. Fuck you. Fuck you.

And the citronella people couldn't get in the door. Please, we'll give you all the candles you want. Fuck you. What if she had candles?

I want to just play, just talk about weird... Do you say Reese's Pieces? Sorry. Not on purpose, but that's how it comes out. I say Reese's Pieces. It's only been brought to my attention recently that it's Reese's Pieces. Are you being serious? I'm being dead serious. I think that's an East Coast thing. Wait, what do you say, Corey? Reese's Pieces? Yeah.

Reese's Pieces, man. Reese's Pieces. It makes no sense, but it's right. It's Pieces. It's a bag full of Pieces. They are Pieces of Reese's. Little chocolate Pieces. Reese's Pieces. Reese's Pieces. Come on. Show of hands who says Reese's Pieces. Wait, wait, wait. House lights. Can I have house lights for one second? Not a lot of hands. Who says Reese's Pieces? Woo!

How many people for Reese's Pieces? Reese's Pieces? To your logic, to both of your logics, it should be Reese's Pieces. Because at least it's that. I understand what you're saying. And the logic of it adds up. They're called Reese's Pieces. You're right and you're wrong. You're right and you're wrong. You couldn't be more right and more wrong. I hear you, Mark.

Oh,

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Why did they have to go up in boats?

That's what I'm saying. Don't they go up in boats? Well, that's what I'm saying. Why go in boats when it's easily accessible by car? Right. And you can probably stay at a hotel if it's that accessible by car. And they camped like it was like a beach party. Oh, that's...

The camp was set up like a real fucking party town. It felt like a nudist colony. Somebody looks at Bridget Fonda weirdly because she has a suitcase. Yes. And they're like, ooh. It's like, well, yeah, what are you going to put your clothes in? Yeah. She didn't know she was camping. Oliver Platt. She didn't have hat boxes and shit. She just had one rolling bag. That's perfectly normal. But meanwhile, Oliver Platt's tent has a full desk with novels across it.

Dresser drawer. He's got a fucking better apartment than I have lived in in New York City for five years. And apparently wireless internet. How are they watching those fucking videos? It's 1999. That's a physical impossibility. So take a listen to Brendan Gleeson's response. Well, I'll point it out. I didn't notice it until it was shown to me. It's breezy Gleeson. We're staying in tents? Tent? It's

All right, so it may take a second here, but here we go. Tense? We're staying in tents? I told you, two days we'd have to camp. Yes, camp, but I thought that meant Ramada Inn. I never heard tents. Will there be toilets? Maybe we should just take you back. Why? Because I prefer a toilet? Oh, God, we forgot to pack the feminine napkins. That was the moment...

That I want to... Oh, God, we forgot to pack feminine napkins. And I feel like perhaps that line was written to be sarcastic on his part, to be, like, teasing her. Right. But he delivered it like he's very upset that, in fact, they have forgotten to pack maxi pads. But even... He's like, oh, are you menstruating? Yeah.

But by the way, even as sarcastic, that's still like a valid concern. Like, you know, it's like, it should be like, oh, we don't have sushi for you. Why do we have to? People can be responsible for their own hygienic equipment. Let's say if you do go to a hotel, you're not like, where's all the food? I don't think a lot of women are like, well, my period's here.

What are you going to do about it? Who's giving me something to sop this up with? May I have the concierge, please? May I have the concierge? Can you please send some feminine napkins? My Aunt Flo is here. It's a disaster. Can you send up a roll of paper towels and some string? I don't know. I am single. And again...

And again, feminine napkins. Why not just say tampons, right? Like, that would be an exception. Paul, please. Paul, let's be classic.

Don't be crass. This movie really... This movie hates women. Oh, yeah. The only female characters are Bridget Fonda, who's just an object of disgust, right? I feel like the direction given to her for the whole movie was like, whatever your line is, what you want to be saying is, Yeah. Except for the part

for the part when her and Bill Pullman are having this romantic scene after someone's head gets lobbed off and Bill Pullman is not really fazed by that and they're in this tent and he's like, you like it here, don't you? You like this? She's like, yeah, I do, I do. It's the most exciting part of my life. It's like, oh, weird, weird moment. But she decided that just at that moment. Like,

Up to that point, she's like, this is the worst. I don't want to be here. Also, I'm not contributing in any way. Why am I here? She's a fucking, she works in a museum. That's all she does. They want her to come look at the tooth Adam Harkin, that scoundrel, wants her to look at the tooth. He's a real rake. And he's like, listen, I'm plowing Mariska Hargitay now. Yes.

Who was also an awful person in this movie. She comes in to be like, I'm sorry about you and Adam Arkin. And she's like, you know? And she's like, yeah, I did it. I'm fucking him. We were fucking before you and now we're still fucking. The heart wants what it wants. SVU's gonna be on forever. When this movie was made, SVU was in season seven. No, that's not true.

You dummies are so gullible. But the other female character in this besides Betty White is the deputy. The deputy. Meredith Salinger who we see her when Oliver Platt is saying hey you got great tits and she's like this is appropriate I'm a

police person. And then when Brendan Gleeson's like, you gotta get out of here. This isn't a party. She and Oliver Platt are holding hands and he says, can she stay? We would like to mate. And she looks like, yeah, I've been. I'm on board. Yeah.

And then... I'm throwing away all of whatever responsibilities I do have in this weird place because I just want to fuck this weirdo. And then, like... I know we have a situation with a monster that's killing people. But I am super turned on by puka beads. Yeah. And he's... And the direct approach. And he's dripping in them. Yeah. And he...

And then we don't see the logic jump where she abandons her position as a police officer, even though she's still wearing the uniform, to fly his helicopter or fly with him in his helicopter to an undisclosed location to go find... I think they were part of a team. They were teamed up to go and look...

I don't think she abandoned anything. Oh, you think that that was a sign? Because I thought they yelled at her for going, what the fuck did you do? Why did you run off with him? Didn't they make a decision? These people were going to go here. These people were going to go here. No, maybe not. I don't think so. I don't know. I don't even want her being good at her job. I really want her to not have abandoned her post. Yeah, you're right. These women are really, every one of them is despicable. They are like Bella level pointless.

Bella from Twilight. Yeah. And you could argue that Bill Pullman's kind of pointless too. Totally! If you were to find his journey, what's his journey? He starts off checking out a murder, and at the end, he just gives the order to somebody else to kill it. Yeah. That's it. And he works for animal control? Yeah. Is that what he does? Fish and game.

I don't know if that would be interesting to do just see the characters journeys all the characters they don't go really no one does anything none of them have any kind of they are all various levels of either law enforcement or like scientific researchers almost none of them have any kind of personal interest in anything in anything related to the crocodile I mean no one's fazed by it's not like Bridget Fonda is like

This is the beast I have spent my life. There's no stakes. This is proof that this thing that I've been blah, blah, blah. No, there's none of it. They found a tooth in this thing and she's like, this is a reptile tooth. And she's like, I guess I'll tag along until this guy decides to blast me. So you see this gigantic fucking tooth that's new. You've identified it. Brand new. This is not a fossil. This is new. Yep. A little bit of

She's not like, ring, ring, ring. Hey, fuck face Adam Arkin. I just fucking found the coolest thing in the world. Yeah. Go eat a dick. No. She's like, oh, what am I doing here? But this is like,

Who was like, and not that I'm a proponent for studio notes, but this is a moment where a studio could be like, okay, guys, here we go. Why don't we just make Oliver Platt be chasing this creature for his entire life? And they finally... He's a Captain Hook. He's Captain Hook and this is the crocodile. Why not do that? Instead of a guy who's interested in crocodiles in general. Yeah. I heard you may have a crocodile here. Do you mind?

And the presumption... Our presumption is what we are led to believe is that Oliver Platt's a millionaire myth... He's like Richard Branson who chases crocodiles. Right, he just is an adventurer, but what he wants to do is swim with crocodiles. So they can judge him. That's because they are godlike. Yeah.

Yeah, because God's, he wants to be judged by crocodiles. That's fucking dumb. Get in line, Oliver Platt. And then Bridget, they're set up that Bridget Fonda and Oliver Platt know each other. He's like, yeah, we fucked. And she's like, no, we didn't. And he's like, well, they never remember. Which leads you to go, well, did they?

And the fact that they kind of dilute that moment also goes, why not make them always together? Like, oh yeah, they've had these run-ins in the past and this is a combative relationship because she's the researcher and he's the whatever. Nope. No. Everyone is equally distanced from each other. They all treat what is going on as a severe inconvenience

more than anything. And they never bond. No. In Jaws, they all come to Dreyfus...

Shaw, what's his tits? They all come together and they like bond and they get to be on the same team and they get to respect each other, whatever. All these guys are like, they never figure that out. They always don't like each other. They always don't care and they always, what could be more fun than going to the movies to watch a bunch of people who don't want to be there battle a giant fucking crocodile snooze.

And the giant crocodile who's not bothering anyone. Who is not actively attacking. Only when provoked. Just a turtle dude. With, oh man, I just, oh shit. With Bridget Fonda, they said this whole thing. I hate nature. I hate the outdoors. Why? Were your parents killed by crocodiles? No. You never know. I'm just a fucking bitch. I'm a woman and I'm worthy of your hate and derision.

Because of my period. Yeah. I hope you remembered to pack the feminine napkins. Why? When it happens, when my moon cycle arrives, somebody will have prepared for me, right? Otherwise, I'm going to ruin these white chinos. When I watched the end of this movie, I literally said out loud, I was like, wait, that's it? The movie ends so...

I'm climatic. I was like, oh, well, this is like, now they're going to capture it and they'll be, now, now we'll see. That fucking reveal of the second crocodile made me so mad. Made me so mad. Where it's like, oh, where'd that guy come from? Oh, there was two of them. And then like jokes about like, yeah, I can count. I noticed that there was another one. That doesn't, that's not making this moment better.

You can't just do that. And, by the way, Brendan Cleveland has this gun in the beginning. He's like, oh, yeah, this... By the way, if I shoot this guy with this gun, I'll kill it. And they go, all right. And then at the end, he goes, yeah, pfft, and shoots it. Totally fine. Like, that crocodile was not an issue. Nope. Hey, pfft. Okay, gun. Now what do we got next? This gun is as good as its word. It's so dumb. It's so dumb.

dumb. They also did a thing with Bridget Fonda where they basically made her, they gave her like Ally McBeal level clumsiness. Yes. Where she was constantly getting flamed out of boats. She fell off of so many things. So many things. Yes. The woman can't stay on her feet. She fell off of a boat, a canoe, a helicopter and was oftentimes launched out of them. Yes. Yeah. And again, no one responded to her being thrown 60 feet in the air from that fucking canoe. I think I

What's that awful non-man up to now?

She's searching for tampons somewhere. The bottom of that lake. Oh, man. But I do appreciate Bill Pullman's... After watching that clip, he is apathetic from go. There isn't a... He's just... But he completely commits to it. It's not like there's one moment where he kind of emotes, like, I appreciate that Bridget Fonda, like, cries and weeps when she sees someone get their head eaten by an alligator, and yet... Crocodile. So sorry. Okay.

Bill Pullman. I mean, that's like basically racist. I get it. They all look the same to you, Nate. I've been there, bro. We need to build a wall between all the lakes and the United States. We can't let these crocodiles and alligators in. Not in my America! Wait, wait, wait.

Nate, what were you saying there? I just appreciate that Pullman kept with his apathy the entire time. He didn't like, alright, this is the last scene, I'm in the truck, I should really emote my love for this girl and move my knapsack and maybe the audience will have a fucking feeling about the two of us getting together as opposed to just like,

"What the fuck is this?" She was like, I forget what the fucking exact line was, some bullshit line. - About beer or something like that. - Yeah, let's grab a beer at a bar in Maine. - She goes, "What's the matter? "In Maine you can't make a pass, make a move? "In Maine, Maine people don't make a move or something?" - Right. - Yeah, something about his, basically at the end of the movie, she's like, "So what's your deal, you're a pussy?" - Yeah.

So just to be clear, vis-a-vis what's going on between us, I'm like soaking wet and you're a pussy? Okay, cool, bye. Yeah, you didn't manage to ask me out in this 24-hour period where a few of our friends are murdered. I wonder, was this written before or after David E. Kelly got with Michelle Pfeiffer? I really want it to be while they were dating. And it was just like David E. Kelly getting out his hurt feelings, basically, about all women. Oh, can we talk about the baritone? Yes. The baritone? Oh, yeah.

So one of the lame scares is that this bear bursts out of the woods. Like the bear charges. This bear, he must have started running so far away because he's got this head of steam going where he can't turn around at all. And so everybody's just like, whoa, that bear. It's like they sidestep this bear and then the bear like. That's exactly true. They basically are like, uh-oh. The bear runs past all of them. Then like.

Skins, slams on the brakes, turns around, and is like, now, here we go. It's bear time. Stands up on its hind legs, and it's like, at which point, you made me so mad by dodging me, you're going to pay. Maybe the original script was like an animated movie where you could actually buy a bear kind of running like that, but no. But then the crocodile jumps out of the lake and eats the bear. And by the way, so this is my thought on that. Then that makes the crocodile good. Crocodile.

them from a hair attack. So how were we supposed to feel? Be like, yeah, you know what? Get the fuck out of here. You could read this movie as the crocodile is the too strong for its own good son of Betty White who everybody thinks is a monster but is actually a hero. But it's a Frankenstein story. You know what? The townspeople are like, get the monster! And they don't see that the monster keeps saving them.

And it's only because they provoke it that it attacks them. Anyway, that's my story. I think we could see this crocodile as almost a Boo Radley figure. Total Boo Radley. In this sleepy town. Well, hopefully, like To Kill a Mockingbird, in 50 years there'll be a sequel to it. Yep.

After David E. Kelly's death, his publisher will be like, well, you know there is a sequel to Lake Placid. Really quickly, when Oliver Platt is saying, we've got to capture this thing, and they're like, no, we're going to kill it. He's like, no, please listen to me. And he says...

First he says, I know that in Africa they have trapped ones that are over 20 feet long. This one's 30 feet. So why is this insane? Right? If there are already a bunch of crocodiles roughly this size, this shouldn't be that strange an occurrence. But then he says, he's trying to talk them into capturing it. I know of an empty oil tank in Portland. Why would you

I don't remember that either. That's amazing. Where would you be? What grapevine is this filtering through? Hey, did you hear? Did you hear? What do you got? Hey, you know oil tanks? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well, empty or full. I'm getting to it. I got an oil tank guy. He always gives me all the inside scoop. I got an app on my phone. Check out where I'm near empty or full oil tanks. But then

enclosure they could find would be to go to Portland. Across the country. Portland, Maine. Alright, we got this. Jesus. Well, guys. Sorry, Maine police.

Don't worry. Don't worry. Go eat a couple Twinkies in a boat. Don't worry because when they do transport the crocodile, they're not going to put any protective... No, no tarp. No tarp over it at all. It's just going to cause accidents all across. You're commuting to work and you're like...

Like, to me, that's the better end scene of the movie. The better end scene of the family. Like, guys, guys, there's no such thing as giant, ba-ba-ba-ba. What the fuck? And then a helicopter shot. That would be a great end. You would like that more than Betty White to reggae music feeding baby crocodiles? Why was it that song?

Why was it reggae? Why did that happen in this movie? By the way, I was hoping, I was like, please, please, please be prehistoric ducks. I want her to be feeding prehistoric ducks. Because it was bread. Because she looked at it and she was feeding ducks. I didn't realize it was going to be baby crocs. And I just wanted to be like, oh shit, the ducks now. There's also crazy ass ducks. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Okay, so June, so what you're saying is...

That Betty White has access to all prehistoric animals? I thought that would be the twist. Does she have a Land of the Lost store? Well, look, we don't know how that got there. We don't know what's going on prehistoric. I would love it if she was just feeding sleaze stacks. It would, to me, be a more interesting ending than just a little... Oh, there's a million more interesting endings we could come up with. How about if Betty White unzipped a zipper and she was a crocodile? I am in.

All right, let's go to the audience and see what they want to talk about. The audience obviously has some research on this dumb movie, this dumb fuck shit movie. All right, you, sir, your name, your title for the film, because Lake Placid is not a good one, and your question. Okay, my name's Mike. The title is Bears Are Cooler Than Crocodiles.

And I'm just curious, why does nobody give a shit about the second crocodile that got killed? Like, they made such a big deal to capture the other one. Well, because they killed it immediately. Well, yeah, it just got blasted. It happened so fast. We didn't get invested in its existence. Mike's the real second croc guy.

It's almost like it was a dumb thing that they jammed in at the 11th hour of this movie that never should have happened. Well, to me, the other thing about that that was so crazy was they don't even build it up like, wait, how did that crocodile get over there when we were over here? Like, that's not even an element of the movie. Like, he must be moving so fast. And it's like, oh, there was two all along. Right. It's like the prestige. He's twins. I'm sorry. Spoilers for the movie The Prestige. All right. Here we go, sir.

Your name, and would this movie be better with Nicolas Cage instead of Bill Pullman, yes or no? My name is Ryan, and absolutely. Yeah, 100%. So, it's actually more of an insight. Discussing Brandon Gleeson lines, I wanted to point out that besides the sanitary napkins and the other line, are you a mental?

I think the best line was when he's walking to the lake and he says, I'm not a brain scientist. Well done. That's good. Well done. That's good. All right, sir. Your name, your title for Lake Placid, and your question. My name is Sean. My title would be Lake Placid is in New York, not in Maine. Long title.

Betty White admits to a murder in the middle of film and no one seems to even think twice about it. I think that's because I thought of that too. I think that's because she's trying to throw suspicion off of the crocodiles.

Yeah, no, but still... When she admits to the murder, because I think she thinks, oh, they're going to find my husband's dead body and think the crocodile did it, so I will admit to the murder. But I agree with that. Because I'm protecting my monster son. I get all that. I'll say, I bit my husband in half. Yes.

I get that, but I throw... Wait, is that a husband's head? No. Whose head was that? The other deputy's head. It was the deputy's head? Yeah, who was leaning over the... Yeah. Okay. The thing that I think that he's bringing up, which is more interesting, is no one in the... The cops don't react to that information, even if she's covering for the crocodile. Like, oh, yeah, I guess she killed her husband. They seem to express mild interest in that fact. They're aware... Maine is very apathetic.

Well, yeah, sure. But that seemed like an unacceptable kill. Like, well, he was sick and he wanted me to kill him. Oh, all right. But that's kind of like their deal. Like, Bill Pullman's like, I don't know. Oh, yeah. Because they even say, like, we'll arrest you for obstructing justice. But I guess, well, she didn't kill anybody. So I guess they couldn't arrest her on anything else. All right. Your name, your title, and your question. Here we go. My name's Erica. My title would be Snappers with a Z. I like it.

Snappers! I don't have a question so much as an observation. Throughout the movie, they were always asking, where did this thing come from? Where did it come from? And in the split second when it chomped off the deputy's head, Bridget Fonda was able to somehow get a good enough look at it to see that it had oval-shaped scales. And she looked it up and saw it was like an Asian Pacific crocodile or something. And they kept talking about how it had to cross an ocean. But Asia and the Pacific are odd.

the other side of the country from Maine. So the crocodile ostensibly had to cross both an ocean and an entire lake. And the Panama Canal, perhaps. Do you think it went around the long way? It walked. It walked. Well, the crocodile came here looking for the fountain of youth. Oh my God, this movie, more as you unravel it, it becomes... No one tried. That's the thing that I think is...

I don't think we've ever done a movie where the writing is sort of like, "Yeah." - Really? Wait a minute. Okay, hang on. - Yeah. - Really?

You don't think we've done a movie on this show where the writing is not that great? No, I'm not saying that. You're saying where people, where there clearly was not any kind of effort made. That's what I'm saying. Because you've done plenty of shitty movies where people were trying as hard as they could. I'm not saying that there hasn't been bad writing. But this is like...

Everybody seems apathetic to the entirety of this. It doesn't even seem like a first draft. It seems like what you wrote and then you're like, I'll read it back tomorrow and I'll kind of figure... It's like a pre-first draft. It sounds like he was like, David E. Kelly was like, oh, idea for a movie.

prehistoric crocodile terrorizes small town in Maine sheriff scientist fish and wildlife we're ready to shoot and then first day they're like okay so the script is this

And it was just a transcription of that. Because written out in yellow. At the end of the day, there's no follow through. This movie is not even scary. No, no. There's not even a scare, right? Maybe the opening. Oh, because here's the deal. Here's the fucking deal. If you don't want to get eaten by the crocodile.

It's easy. Don't go near the lake. Because that's the only place it is. It's very remote. So don't go fucking near the lake. Put some signs up. Giant crocodile in this lake. Giant crocodile who never goes on land. Don't worry. Don't worry about that. Don't worry. Put some fences up. It's a fucking big crocodile.

So what? I was just in Florida, and in Florida they have signs like, "Don't go swimming here. There are alligators." Great. That's all you need. There's a sign. The movie should have been about a sign guy.

Gotta make a sign. How about this? Tunk, tunk, tunk, tunk, tunk. How about this? That was more of a character arc than anybody else in this movie. A ten minute short. That guy would have been invested. That guy would have been invested. A small town. Here's a movie. Fade in. Small town sign maker. Right? His business is bust because nobody needs new signs. But now there's a giant crocodile in town.

Wait, I got a midpoint. Signs need to be made. I got a midpoint, an act two midpoint twist. Yeah, please, give me something. He puts no walking, no swimming in this thing because of alligators. Like, no, no, it's a crocodile. I was like, go back in there and make all my signs. Yep.

Very good, very twisty moment there. That's a great movie. It's a rags to riches story. It's a crock out of water story. Guys, I am on fire tonight. Then he goes up to Portland. He gets word that there's a thing in Portland and he can put a fence around that. Don't go near that oil tank crocodile. Also, he can make a sign that says oil tank empty and available.

Oh, and also, everywhere there's a sign, there's also tagged on there, no girls allowed. Yep. Yep. Boys like protests. Boys like protests, of course. Very our gang. Yeah. Okay. Unless you've got titties. That's on the sign. Your name, one thing that you would have done to make this movie better, and your question. Okay, my name is Cindy.

I don't think you could do anything to make it better. It's perfect in her eyes. I want to know why after the deputy gets his head bit off, why Bill Pullman has to state, we're going to need more deputies.

Kind of like, you know, referencing Jaws, we're gonna need a bigger boat. Yeah. But, like, that's gonna happen. I like that. We're gonna need more heads to be bitten off. It's just one of the many clever longhand witticisms written by Mr. Michelle Pfeiffer himself, David E. Kelly. We're gonna need more deputies. That's... He's just...

Why are any of these people together? Why? Why? Why? And you know what? They have enough fucking technology to pull up about pan-Pacific crocodiles that they could have just taken a picture of that tooth, sent it to Bridget Fonda, and she probably could have told from the picture, yeah, that's a tooth. Oh, you mean she held the tooth in her hand, Paul? She, like, had the tooth at one point. How come she couldn't tell from that? And was able to say, this is a reptile's tooth. Because she's an expert.

And can be like, this is a reptile. Her job is now done. Why are they keeping the tooth in the morgue next to the dead body? Like, why? Like, oh yeah, we got this guy out too. I don't know. And then they're like, oh, you're not going to want to look at that. You're a girl. And she's like, I can look at a dead body. And then they pull it off and it's like half of a dude. And she's like, uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Alright, your name, your title for the film. Oh, the hubris of woman. My name is James. I don't have a title, but I think LL Cool J should have been in this film as well. Why not? We haven't talked about the stupidest part of this movie, which is the cow in the helicopter. Yeah, absolutely. That poor thing. Because they say, okay, we gotta lure this...

You gotta lure this crocodile out. And then one of them said, I think Brendan Gleeson's sarcastic, like, whoa, what? Like Mrs. Curses-a-lot did with the cow? And they're like, ah, come on, we gotta get serious about this. And they're like, okay, let's do that cow thing. But the way we're gonna do it is not the way that she's been doing it for years. For years! Which is bring a cow to the edge of the water where the crocodile's legit waiting.

We're going to strap a cow to a helicopter and let it lightly dangle its legs in the water like a fucking asshole so that the crocodile can be like, oh, I hear cow legs. I guess it's fucking dinner time. And of course, guys, I'm here to say for those of you who haven't watched the movie, it goes wrong.

But it doesn't go so wrong because, thank God, that cow got away at the end. We do see the cow. That cow gives the only fully committed performance of the entire movie. The cow was nominated for a Golden Globe. He lost that year to Roberto Benigni, actually. Sadly, he lost to Roberto Benigni for Life is Beautiful. Your name, your title, and your question. My name is Casey Lake Apathetic. I like that.

In the quick clips that you see the crocodile underwater with its mouth opening, it doesn't even look like a crocodile. It looks like a hippopotamus or something. Before I saw the movie, I didn't know it was a crocodile. And I was hoping it was going to be some weird monster of some kind. You were unsatisfied that the movie about the giant crocodile was indeed about a crocodile. Yeah.

All right a valid point a point that probably we would not have made So you wanted it to be like a hippopotamus instead or a monster

What if it just wore a gold earring? How about this, though? That's another opportunity for this town in Maine. They could have a Loch Ness Monster situation. Yes, that's what I'm saying. Why are you screaming at me? I said this earlier. You are screaming at me. I am excited by our new business opportunity. The sign maker, by the way, can be very involved in that tourist attraction. It's a tourist attraction. It's perfect. You're going up to Crook Lake. Right, guys?

It's a line from the movie. Crog Lake. Alright sir, your name, your question, sorry, yeah, your name, your title, and your question. My name is Shane Lake Pullman. My question was, first off, it was Officer Fuckmeat, which I think had to be, fuckmeat is the craziest line ever, but why the choice to have Betty White just cuss like crazy?

What's funnier than an old person doing something you don't know? That's a classic David E. Kelly thing. He always has one eccentric who just runs their mouth all the time. What a hot ticket. Like a five-ish finkel. Exactly. It's five-ish finkel from Boston Public. It's William Shatner too. It's William Shatner in Boston. It's the same character. He must have had a crazy uncle when he was a little boy.

who just said a lot of inappropriate racist shit and david loved every minute of it and he can't stop writing that character well to me also she's so a grand like all she needed to be was a little bit like nicer than play like a little bit dumb like oh i just live on this lake from moment one she's like all right wads listen up you piece of also their big discovery is made and i thought this was i was like what the is this about

They meet with Betty White. She's like, I killed my husband or whatever, blah, blah, blah. And then they leave. Then they get on boats. Then they drive up the river. Then they camp. Then the thing attacks. And then they're in the woods and they're like, well, I'll be damned. And they have set up camp right near Betty White's house where they've already been. And they watch her feed a cow to the crocodile. I forgot about that. Is that how this is being done?

They just coincidentally end up at the same place and see her committing the crime. I hated this movie. There was also a weird piece of movie-making stuff, too, where they're having that party and it's nighttime, but through the trees... You mean the Tom Jones party? Yeah, the Tom Jones party. That's like, no, it's sexy.

The music in this movie, terrible. Every choice, terrible, terrible, terrible. I mean, that being said, it's a great soundtrack. Please buy it. Well, I was going to describe that it looks like nighttime, but you can see through the trees that it was daytime. And I don't know if that was just a gaffe or they just couldn't fucking light it or I don't know. Or nobody cared. Yeah, don't give a fuck. Even the grips were like, fuck it. Shoot it, shoot it. All right, two people next to each other. You're friends, I imagine, right?

Who has the better? Yeah, who has the better question? All right, doubleheader, go. Here we go. I don't want to break up a friendship over this, but you can't answer it. Here we go. Question. My name is Maddie and I'm... I don't know. I don't care. Shut up, Maddie. I just want to know your question. Question. Let me try friend two. Question. Question.

Does anyone think because there was no chemistry between Bill Pullman and Bridget Fonda, the actual romantic arc was between Oliver Platt and Brendan Gleeson? Yeah, totally. Friend 2 is winning. How's that feel, Matty? How's that feel, Matty? Is your question as good as that?

I know we touched on sequels a little bit, and there are actually three. But my question is, there's actually supposed to be a crossover that's happening between Anaconda and Lake Placid. Sure, why not? Does anyone know if that came into action? I knew it was announced in 2013, and it's probably still in post.

That's a great idea, actually. I'm on board for that. Yeah, they're all sci-fi movies. Manny, you are redeemed. It cost $35 to make. It made $31. Yeah. And they decided to make three more. We could probably spend less money if we cared even less.

Now that we've done it, we can use a lot of the same shots of the croc. We made the croc. What I love about this is it's Lake Placid 2, Lake Placid 3, Lake Placid the final chapter, and then they announced that Lake Placid versus Anaconda. Which is funny because it's Lake Placid versus Anaconda? Yeah.

It's not like Freddy versus Jason. It's like Elm Street versus Jason. It's not Kroc v. Snake. It's not Kroc v. Snake. Halloween, The Holiday versus Freddy Krueger. I hope John Voight is in that movie.

This is directed by, the director of this directed a movie that I really want to do in a live show. We've talked about it a few times. He directed the movie Soul Man. Love that movie. Love it. Love that movie. See Thomas Howell overdoses on tanning pills and becomes black. Yeah, so that's, he did Soul Man. Totally normal movie. And then Friday the 13th, two and three,

And then Forever Young, that Mel Gibson, romantic Mel Gibson movie. Real varied career for this director. I think he also did a lot of episodes of Chicago Hope. Oh, yes. And I think that's where he and David had, I'm assuming, hatched the plan on set. Mandy Patinkin was throwing a fit somewhere. And they were like, crocodile movie? Well, Mandy Patinkin was in his trailer and not coming out. They wrote this in those moments. Nine minutes. As a joke.

He's like, "Hey, I bet I could write an entire movie on one buck slip. I bet I could write a whole movie on the back of an envelope." I'm like the Lincoln of screenplays. Obviously we had an opinion about this movie, but there are other people out there that had a different opinion. It is now time for Second Opinions.

Second opinion, second opinion, second opinion. Right in your face. These are five-star reviews pulled from Amazon. I'm sorry. Yeah. This almost seems impossible to me. By the way, there were a lot. No! No!

A lot. More than I was expecting. A lot, a lot, a lot. And I'm trying to pick my favorite ones here. I will also tell you that this is one of the few movies that I've gotten tweets about on our How Did This Get Made Twitter account where people are like,

"How could you do it? It's a funny movie and it works." And you're like, "It's a comedy." And I actually started getting like, I was like, "Did I fuck up? Did I pick a movie that's supposed to be funny and it's..." And I'm like, "No, it's not." - You did the opposite of that. - Yeah, this is not a funny, like,

Don't let them get in your head, Paul. Don't you doubt yourself. Don't you let those Twitter heads get in your head, bro. Fucking Twitter heads. Classic Twitter heads. Alright, so this is from Dorothy Munoz and she writes, I had forgotten the exact storyline of Lake Placid. Five stars. And... I mean, what great movie can you remember the story to?

I've forgotten the storyline. In fact, I'm not sure I've seen it. - Five stars. - By the way, by the way, this is all in caps. I had forgotten. - I hope so. - So please read it as shouting. - I had forgotten the exact storyline of "Lake Placid." And I think this rendition is a remake. I don't recall Betty White being in my video. I did enjoy it. She's a hoot. I will enjoy seeing it again and again as I go through my growing collection.

So there's so many five stars. There's so many things going on here. I remember it as being the story of a heroic U.S. Olympic hockey team. Where were they? More crocodiles than I recall. I put this on because I love the love story between Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock. I don't remember Betty White or the crocodile, but they seemed cute too.

This one also written in all caps from Kerry Walker. This one, I swear I'm not changing these in any way. We love this movie-ing. Movie with an I-N-G. We love this movie-ing and get all the moves out on weekends. And we walk the moves. We have all of them. LAUGHTER

We love moving and get out all the moves on weekends and walk the moves. That's a t-shirt. We have all that. I want to read all of that person's other reviews. You gotta walk the moves. I gotta walk those moves. Guys, what'd you do last night? Oh, I walked a move. I love moving. I walked a move. From Danette A. Harrod Jr.,

Danette writes, I like this film so much that I rented it three times in two months. And since the only Letterboxd releases on DVD, this film made me break down and finally get a DVD player so I could own a copy. Wow. That was written in 2000. Still, DVDs are out. What a world. No movie before this movie.

was good enough to make this person buy a DVD player. -Nope. They're all in now. -Nope, nope, nope. Oh, my gosh. Okay. There's two more I got to read. They're so good. Gerhart. Gerhart wrote, "It got right to the point, and that was a good move." "This is one of the year's best films behind 'Star Wars' episode one." -Wow.

Wow. What a disappointing year. Did this guy... Check the date. Did he write it to get it read on this show? No, I do that. I check that all the time. This was written February 2nd, 2000. One of the best of 1999. One of. One of. I think it was Magnolia and Lake Placid. This one is from jashandjash.com.

from Louisiana, all in caps again. "I saw this movie in the theater. "It was one of the best movies I've ever seen "in my entire life. "Very scary. "You will jump. "The plot is great, and the old woman is hilarious. "I wouldn't even rent it. "Just go and buy it. "Amazon.com rules. "And don't forget to rent/buy Deep Blue Sea." - Wow.

Wow. It was also an extremely good horror movie. Nothing funny about a shark that tears people up faster than you can blink your eyes. Five stars. Jeff Bezos wrote that. I'll see you in 2015 at Largo. I know the future.

And we don't often do this. We don't read the bad reviews, but there was one that was so bad. It's such a long one. I'm just going to read the last line of it. From RM31D. A robot? The robot. I guess it should be read in a robot voice? I believe. I love that it's C-3PO. I love that your robot voice of choice is C-3PO.

It's Anthony Daniels. Oh, Robot Boy's Anthony Daniels. All right, so this is the best line in this. So I leave you with this request. If someone holds a gun to your head and orders you to watch Lake Placid, let him shoot you. Trust me.

It is far more humane than having to sit through this unforgivable and uninhibited romp through cinematic hell. May God have mercy on our souls. That sounds like something C-3PO would say, though. Oh my gosh.

Anything else that anyone would like to cover that we have not talked about? Did we get it all out? We've done a pretty good job. I don't think that we even have to go around and ask people if they would recommend this movie to watch. I think the answer is pretty apparent, yes. LAUGHTER

Yeah, there's really nothing in it that's even fun bad. It's just, and I think it's also because it tried so hard to be, well, it didn't try so hard, but it thought it was so funny and it was, that takes it to a different horrible place. There's something about earnestness when it's not good. Yeah. You can still find some enjoyment in that, but when somebody's trying to be funny and they're not, it's like, that makes me understand heckling, right? Yeah.

like because heckling comes out of a a weird anger that people have when they see someone on stage that is not their sense of humor they're like this is driving me crazy i gotta ruin this they don't think that i think they think this is driving me crazy i've gotta fix this yeah maybe but i but so i understand that feeling of like when somebody thinks they're being funny and they're so not being funny it's

When Oliver Platt gave that speech about how when he was a kid and when he was trying to sympathize with Brendan Gleeson about how his deputy had his head bit off and he said, you know, I had a dream when I was a child, that whole run, which was for laughs. I stopped it. I stopped the movie and took a walk around my house to try to like...

That made me really, really nervous. There was a lot in this movie because I will say, this movie is full of legitimately terrific actors. Yes. This is a cast that is very solid actors. Beyond capable and great in other movies. Absolutely. Where I was like, I feel so bad for these people.

I feel so bad for Brendan Gleeson right now because what a tremendous actor he is. And he is... He must be, like, mind-blowing.

But he knew, I mean, he accepted the job. He knew what he was getting into. He read the script and was like, yes, I will go to Maine. But I have a feeling they were like, it's David Kelly. He's so hot right now. He's going to totally revamp what the horror genre is. He's going to have fun with it. We're really poking fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they all got the script. Wait, what? Is this a legal pad? I just want to make sure. I can't read this. And everyone got a different legal pad.

Everyone did a different movie. He wrote the movie 15 times for everyone who was in the movie. That's why it's so scatterbrained. That's why Brendan Gleeson's is like, mine says, I think you are a mental. Does yours say that? Kelly's like, I don't know. Mine doesn't say that. I've been up writing for five days. There's a coffee ring on this, so I'm just going to take my best guess.

One of the taglines for the movie was... Who cares? Lake Placid. Who cares? Lake Placid. Why bother? Lake Placid. Are you bad with money? Lake Placid. No, not that Lake Placid. A fictional Lake Placid. Lake Placid. Huh? Lake Placid. I wouldn't either.

From the creator of Ally McBeal. Lake Placid. Finally a horror movie that's not scary or interesting. Lake Placid. We're getting granite countertops. Lake Placid. It's a movie, but not as long as a movie.

Paul, you have a brand new podcast coming out on Earwolf on April 1st. That is correct. And now you have a... Can you tell us any of the people that are coming up in it or anything like that? Or tell us a little bit about the show. It's called Spontaneanation and it's an improv podcast. Everything that happens on the show is completely in the moment. Nothing is prepared. I improvise a monologue at the top of the show like I did on the Pod F Tompcast, my previous podcast. Woo!

I have an interview with a guest that's inspired by a blind question that's provided from the previous guest. From a blind person? From a blind person. Always from a blind person. Right? Always from a blind person. They've got questions, too.

Now, Paul, the one request that we have gotten here on the show numerous times, and I feel like we should do it. We've never done it before, but people really would like you to come on the podcast one time as Werner Herzog. And we would do a...

maybe like Bad Lieutenant 2 Port of Call. That movie is amazing. I think it is amazing too. I love that movie. That movie is fantastic and I would do it in one second. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you know, while we are talking about movies, we should definitely do that movie and I think we should definitely do that. We should do maybe a live show. The question that we should ask all the time because I get this all the time is face-off. Now, you don't want us to do face-off. No, I will yield. We can do face-off.

I will just argue my point that it's a terrific movie. Just the way Evan Goldberg feels about Deep Blue Sea. Exactly. Now, Nate, you have a great podcast right now, which is over on the Wolf Pop Network there. Yes, called Reading Aloud. It's like a reading series. I have actors and comedians come in and read comedy essays and then like sort of dramatic essays as well. And there's an interview section there.

where I talk to actors and sort of people of note, musicians, about their reading habits and their writing habits and their sort of like creative process. But we've had great guests so far. Amy Mann was on the first episode, was wonderful. It's a great podcast because it gets some of your reading done for you guys.

You pick these fantastic pieces and they're varied. There's comedy pieces, there's dramatic pieces and it's fucking great. Paul's been really generous too because I have this monthly book club where you read a book and then you listen to I Have Three or Four Friends

sit down and talk for an hour about the book whether he liked it or not and Paul's done two of those which were really really fun I feel like that's the best thing too because you can join a book like then there's no pressure of the book club you can be like I'll listen to that podcast when I finally get to it you don't have to be like that pressure of like where everyone is in a book club is like yeah I'm in a book club and then like two days before like fuck yeah yeah yeah like cramming it and then you get there and you talk about the book for five minutes and then it's like oh what it's

What did Sally wear? Oh, did you see Lake Placid? Oh, I loved it. More Chardonnay, please. I do have a Chardonnay podcast that I do want to plug. So definitely check out Reading Aloud. Jason, what do you want to talk about? You want to plug Shardcast? I got to plug my Shardcast. Where it's me and a couple of friends. We sit around with a bunch of Chardonnays. We get into them.

And what are you finding in the chard? What kind of chard do you like? Oh, something light and crisp. Do you like buttery? Buttery, oh yeah. With like tannins. Like some oaky flavor. Oaky, earthy. You could put blueberries, tannins. Now you're the youngest person on the podcast, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's me and four old women. Divorces, right? Divorces. They're gilfs.

I was going to call it the Guilfcast. And you're doing a live show in Woodstock, New York, right? Yep. An old converted barn. Yep. Woodstock, New York. Nantucket. We're doing a whole... Ojai. You have one in Ojai. Ojai, yep. Where we just do a bunch of yoga. We drink a bunch of Chardonnay. Everybody gets fingered. It's great. Uh... Um...

I'll plug, I'm on this season Community. I did a Community. So that's going to be on Yahoo soon. So please watch that. And I am currently right now on this show called Fresh Off the Boat on ABC, which is a super funny show, I think. And you can follow us at HDTGM on Twitter. That's where you get all the updates. All right. Thank you guys so much for coming out to Logger tonight. Give it up.

To Avril Haley, Nate Kiley, July Diaz, everybody here at Largo, thank you so much. Have a good night. Bye-bye.

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