Matinee Monday: The Snowman LIVE! (w/ Bryan Safi & Erin Gibson)
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bas.com slash bonkers and use the code bonkers at checkout. Harry hole, potholes, and a literal ice hole. We saw the snowman. So you know what that means?

Howdy.

Hello, people of Earth! And hello, people of Los Angeles! What's up, you love it?

We are live at Largo, our favorite place to perform, our L.A. home, one of Jason Statham's favorite places in the city for a night to talk about a movie known as The Snowman. It came and went faster than a literal snowman in the theaters, and we're going to get to why. This movie, I think the most...

thing about it for me or the best part about this movie was the fact it was on HBO Go and I didn't have to pay for it.

And my library of shitty films, happy not to have that one. Plunk. Just sitting there. To talk about this movie tonight, we have an amazing guest, because tonight is a How Did This Get Made all-star show. We're doing a little bit of a podcast crossover. You'll learn about that in just a second. But first, let me introduce my co-host, Mr. Jason Manzoukas! Jason. What's up, jerks?

Somebody's got a fondant balls sign. This is, I believe, one of the first times that someone has made a sign for the show. Would like to see more of those. We would love more homemade signs are words that I will regret later. And what I like about the homemade signs is not only are they fun for us, but they play great for the people listening to the podcast. It's an audio medium.

Jason. Paul. I know you're a big Joe Nesbo fan, the author of The Snowman. I'm a Nesbo head from back in the day. You've read all the Harry Hole books. Oh, are you kidding? We call it having been made whole. Is he the Norwegian... We call it a hole in one. Is he the Norwegian Jack Reacher? Yes, he is. First thoughts, Jason, right out of the gate. This is...

I was... This was a challenge. This was tough stuff because... Wow. I don't know what this was. Yes. I'm told backstage it's a movie. Yes.

Yes. I was confounded by every single choice. They're like three quarters into the movie. I said, I wrote in my notes, does this movie take place in Norway? I like Jason. None of these people. Chloe Sevigny is there twice. What?

These are not Norwegians. What's happening? I was confused.

Some people chose to do an accent. Others did not. Some people were fully ADR'd. I'm looking at you, Val Kilmer. What was that? You can't... I genuinely thought it was like a Norwegian actor. Yes. Because it was a different voice. And then I was like, that's Val Kilmer. But it was like... It sounded like a less muffled Bane.

We'll break it all down. I have so much. J.K. Simmons? What's going on? This movie, this was exciting. On the surface. This was exciting to watch. On the surface, this movie presents like this is going to be the next Silence of the Lambs. I mean, there's no doubt about it. We fucking did it.

We fucking did it. Nezbo. We got Nezbo. We're basing it on Nezbo. Martin Scorsese produced. Martin Scorsese, supposed to direct, dropped out. Smartest one in this entire process. We'll get into it. The best performance in this movie is done by a snowman. Is it?

Is it the two-sided snowman? Because I thought that snowman had range. That snowman was great. That snowman, we loved that snowman in Jack Frost. Same snowman. The guy gets those parts. He nails them. Hire snowmen to do snowman roles.

All right. This is a movie in which Michael Fassbender is the worst detective in history. This movie is a triumph of the villain, but for his inability to notice where to step on the ice. Had he not misstepped, he would have won. Spoilers. He killed everybody. Matthias wins. No way.

No spoilers. I couldn't be more excited tonight to introduce our guests. And they are from a hilarious show, another podcast, that they're just great. They're fantastic. Please welcome the hosts of Throwing Shade, Aaron Gibson and Brian Safi. Give it up for them. Turd on my television. Yeah. Yeah.

You're welcome. I feel like this is a classic Inspector Gadget Penny situation. How so? Him bumbling his way with his metal arms.

something very serious and a woman on his side doing all the leg work. Who was also an idiot. Everyone in this movie. I was truly baffled, stupefied, dumbfounded. The police are morons. Morons. He is the worst detective who has ever. The worst. And this is the fucking guy who did Let the Right One In. Yes. Who did fucking Tinker, Taylor, Seamstress, Spy. He did all. Seamstress? Seamstress, Hooker, Wader. He did

Tinker Taylor seamstress waiter. Did you just introduce a seamstress into one of the great spy stories of our time? If you haven't seen Tinker Taylor seamstress hooker, you're doing it. It was a Cinemax movie. It was a John LeCair book. Not the one that people like. Yeah. This was, I mean, it was baffling. It really was baffling. Here's the one thing I know about this movie that gives you a little bit of insight into why we are absolutely confounded by this.

They have gone on record as saying, the director has gone on record as saying, because of something, he was unable to shoot 15% of the script.

15 to 20. 15 to 20 percent of the script remained unshot. And said it so casually as if he were like, sub salad for fries. Like, just like, was straight up like, oh, I just didn't shoot like a fifth of it. Here's the thing. By the way, we did a big oops on this one. Why did it help? Well, here's the thing. They did go back for reshoots.

So, in that world, you missed 20%. You went back and got reshoots, but you didn't attempt to get any of that in there. I don't know...

what this movie was about. I don't know who this movie was about. The thing, I thought what they did really well was make Val Kilmer look just like Kurt Russell. Yes. It's true. Agreed. He really was. And sound like someone else entirely.

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Never before have I found coffee beans so terrifying. All right, that opening scene, the coffee bean torture scene. Coffee bean torture scene! The best part of waking up is coffee bean torture scene!

It's not that he was whipping those coffee beans at that woman's face, but when the camera panned on the ground, there were so many on the ground. Like, how many questions did he get wrong? Like, maybe 70? Exactly. The movie starts with a question about Norwegian parliament. Yes. None of these people appear to be gin. None. All right. I have a lot of facts about this movie. I will tell you one, which is they made... Is the movie...

A movie completely funded by Volvo. That's the question I have. Is this a Volvo production? Here are a couple of things that I'll just drop out to know. So this movie was made in Norway because of a big tax credit in Norway. So they apparently had very little time to prepare. They were in London and someone said, you're going to make this movie. And they're like, what? And.

And then Michael Fassbender literally rapped Assassin's Creed, got on a plane, and landed and started shooting this movie. Well, he should have gotten on a plane and crashed because I have to be honest. This...

He needs to fire everyone who works for him. I've never seen such a great actor make terrible choices. That's a one-two punch. At that point, he should literally fire everybody who represents him and be like, how? How did this happen? Absolutely. I'm sorry, wait, no. Michael Fassbender deserves every fucking blame for saying yes to this movie. He is not a person who's like, tell

What to do? He's like, I'll do this movie. I have a dick. And here's the thing. We know for sure he does. Yeah, we know for sure he does. We've seen it. We did get a good underwear scene in here, though, too. It lingered on Crotch area for a second longer than. Had to be in his rider. Right, yeah. I felt like, I was like, all right. How come he makes his throwing medicine out sexy? Well, here's the other biggest thing that I think

just shows you the problem with it. So his name is Harry Hole. Sure is. Which, that's a real problem. But now, this movie is based on a book, a very famous series of books that we talked about before. But the character's name is... Smooth Hole. Yeah.

Like, the character's name was pronounced like, Hole. Right. It's not, it's so, they Americanized it to call him Harry. Like, the simplest choice, because once you say it once on set, you'd be like, oh. That doesn't sound right at all. Let's play with this. And that's where the laziness started with this movie. They were like, Harry Hole, who can do it? All right, yeah, keep it. I'm exhausted. Also that anybody, like, if they had changed his name to Harry McPherson or something, there would be one person in the theater going like, his name is Harry Hole!

But by the way, just call him Harry Hole. Like you don't need this. Like it doesn't need like, we just say, oh, Hole. Or change his last name. Keep it Harry, but change it to Snatch. Yes. Pits. You know, Harry Snatch. Yeah.

Like Oslo's most notorious bad boy homicide, Detective Harry Snatch. Uh-oh, sleeping in children's playgrounds again. What's going on? What is going on? By the way, what is this movie about? Just narcoleptic murders. He is asleep on the ground outside of a bar? Why? Why?

But how great were all the parents and children that didn't... By the way, they shouldn't have been playing in that ice storm. But how great... No one really reacted to him when he got out of there. It was like, oh yeah, there's a homeless guy just sleeping in that thing. No, but the children there are absolutely insane. Well, that's socialism now. Case in point, donkey face. That was the most upsetting thing I've ever seen in a movie. And we're supposed to just buy that...

She loses her parents and they're like, leave her alone and toss her a mask. Just her mother. Her father's still in the pic. But not in the pic where she takes a donkey mask and...

puts it on, makes noises, and we're supposed to pretend it's adorable? What are you doing? How about the Fassbender? Fassbender comes in and be like, oh, I know how to soothe the girl whose mother was just found missing. Yeah, do the end of Pinocchio hee-haw. This is a movie in which multiple times the murderer enters the scene that the person is in on the phone. The person's like, hey, what's up? Anyway, I'm just here at the house. The murderer enters. We, the audience, see the murderer. Yes.

like cross camera and the person's like okay I'll talk to you later oh shit I'm murdered here's why I know here's why I know that book was written by a fucking man let me tell you something as a woman I go to my house at night and I have a husband and a dog and you know I have a husband and a dog I walk in my house I fucking throw open the shower curtain I look in every cabinet cause in case it's a tiny murderer

We are on alert. Like that little Wayne's Brothers murderer little man. We know when shit is going to go down. Also, this is how terrible the detectives they are. Especially, by the way, when you get hit by a random snowball. She didn't do anything. She does nothing. Bitch, I'm

side of the street running. That's what I know. She gets hit by a snowball twice. Twice. Once in the back and once at her window. She goes back to that book. You deserve to die. You deserve to die. You deserve to die. Honestly, if someone... You've been lulled into a false sense of security because you're Norwegian. Yes. Yes.

She honestly got hit by a snowball and was like, Oslo is the kookiest. Yeah. Can you imagine? I mean, no, this is American style murder. Yes. Fuck me.

this movie because she gets hit by a snowball and then what does the camera do? An overhead shot of the parking lot where no one's around, which is impossible. I was like, I don't mind it if it's mysterious, but then don't make it impossible because

That shot negates what you just showed me. I would like a... The killer is invisible. I would like a end of usual suspects, end of the movie wrap up where we see that that fucking guy has been at every one of those places in order to commit all of these murders. Yes, like the end of Clue. Yes. Yes. Take us through each room. That's of course the reference that everybody knows. The end of Clue.

The third ending's the best. The third ending's the best. This is how terrible of a detective... First of all, no one has blinds or curtains in their homes in this movie. Oh, yeah. Everything is fucking... Everything's on full display. Everything's on full display. Also, the first clue the detectives come up with is like, I noticed something. It seems like he kills whenever it snows. Yes, yes. It is December in Norway. How about this? He's killing every fucking second? Every single crime scene.

scene has a snowman it is never mentioned one Michael Fassbender gets a note with a snowman he signs he signs his letter there's a snowman nobody ever says have you noticed there's a fucking snowman

man at every crime scene. Also, he says, he's like, by the way, I'm a snowman. In case you missed it, here's the drawing. Were those the 15 pages when he turned to Rebecca Ferguson and was like, is it weird there's a snowman at every crime scene? By the way, I'm no snowman expert. Thank you, June. Uh...

But to build a snowman is a very labor-intensive process. Where are you getting the sticks? I guess he's... Wait, I'm not that worried about that part. The snowman is... A clean stick in Norway? Plus coal? A carrot nose? You just decapitated someone in a very interesting way. I was like, okay. I don't know.

Well, you know how long it takes to build a snowman. Yes. The length of time it takes your uncle to fuck your mom. Okay. By the way. Right? That's what happens. It's like, okay, time for you. You go outside and build a snowman while I plow your mom. I'm your uncle, father. Don't worry about it. It's Norway. The two things that I want to talk about. And whatever you do, don't ground the coffee.

We talked about windows. A lot of windows. But a lot of...

that look into bedrooms like from a high level. Yes. Like that was the worst. Who fucking designed that? to look in the other window. And like him looking in and then the daughter looking in at the mother. And then Charlotte Gainsbourg's house is the same thing. It's like street level full window access that we can see everybody in. She doesn't sing one goddamn song in the whole movie. That's right. Charlotte Gainsbourg? Yes. You needed her to? I did. I don't want to see her. I want to see her

wearing a mini skirt in every exterior. But I applaud, well, continue about Charlie. Wait, I have a question. Her work in it? Where's the fucking puppy? What do you mean? I saw a puppy at the beginning of the movie. I either want to see that puppy dead. Oh, do you mean you saw the puppy when the killer who had just killed and was playing that crazy song in Chloe's 70s house? And then was playing horn and song straight up Vengabus. And then...

Then the killer is pretending to work on his home and that song's playing again. By the way, that's how bad Harry Holes is as a detective. That song, Hot Butters Popcorn, has played twice in the last 48 hours in this motherfucker's life and he's like, that's not weird. Guess what? It's 100% weird. The last time you heard it, someone died. Can I go back just a second more to go...

I'm in. I'm in. You go back to the fucking beginning where the guy's like, oh, yeah, you got black mold in here. Is that tied to anything? No. Is this a fever dream from the black mold? Because it makes about as much sense. But it's like, all right, so your house is being severely renovated. Was that the 20%? That's like a brush stroke of the character.

Yeah, it doesn't. There was a whole C story they didn't get to shoot about how he put a new sink in and extra closet space. But why introduce that if it plays...

part in your story. Probably because Michael Fassbender was like, what is this character's flaw? And the director was like, what if he had black mold in his eyes? How about the fact that he comes... Sign me up. I'm leaving Assassin's Creed right now. I want to be shooting by morning. At the beginning of the movie when he arrives home and the guy is fumigating or spraying whatever, and the guy's like, make some noise. Fassbender pulls a gun and shoots.

And only doesn't commit murder by being a bad shot. And... He tries to murder that man. The guy has no reaction. This guy. I don't think this guy noticed. I mean, here it is. He shot a gun at him. Why is he wearing so much eyeliner? So much eyeliner. So much eyeliner. So much eyeliner. He's fumigating a man's apartment. He's like, guess what? I'm also emo. Yeah.

Why? Everything about this movie that tries to be scary or like, ooh, is backfired. Is it supposed to be a dragon tattoo? Is this the legacy? Fassbender was like, I can do weird shit in snow.

Yes. Watch me. Oh, yeah. Jury's out. Oh, yeah. He's like, I want to be hip deep in snow by the end of this movie. Yeah. And for it to make no sense. And I would like to also. I want to go out into a frozen lake and call a man out who has a gun. Yeah. Again. Again, I would argue. You are bad at your job. By the way, I would argue in that shot, the camera is as wide as it can go.

You're like, where are you? Just right off camera. Because... I'm still close enough to shoot you. There's no... Like, why not put it in the forest? Why not put it anywhere? Why not... Here's the thing, if you're Michael Fassbender, why not instead, having rescued Charlotte Gainsbourg, not singing, and Oleg, your son, not son, why don't you stay and protect them? Don't go out and find the man and challenge him like...

I also have to say, for a movie that is a mystery, I found everyone to look vaguely similar. Yes. Charlotte Gainsborough looked a little bit like Rebecca Ferguson. And the blonde woman who was killed in the house looked like the blonde woman who was killed nine years ago, which I didn't even know was a flashback, and I was watching the movie very hard. Chloe Sevigny looked like the other character Chloe Sevigny was playing. By the way, Chloe. Go ahead. It's because they all had bangs.

Chloe Sevigny is so criminally underused. And then when she died, after she was chopping chicken heads, using an accent that truly was from Mars, and then immediately killed, I was like, that sucks she was only once seen. And then the other one pops up and it's like, oh, I'm her twin sister. Can I ask a question? And I'm like, great, you're in the movie. Nope. Can I ask a question? Was Chloe Sevigny married to Matthias?

Her ex-husband is the one that calls in that she's died. And she calls him and he's like, if you do that again, I'm going to call the police. I'm really pissed at you. Cut to. It's zip zap. Zip zap zop. He zip zap zops her head off and puts it on a snowman in some sort of weird bomb shelter thing. I don't know why. Why?

It must mean Mateus is her ex-husband. Well, I think that part of that sex ring is part of this, too. Oh, the taken storyline? Yeah, yeah, yeah, which is also like... Because who did she call? Give me another thing. To say, like, nice try. And they never tied up that. Just J.K. Rowling just comes and goes in that movie. By the way, was J.K. doing an accent for the first half and then the second half was like, nah, fuck that. Definitely. Definitely.

J.K. signed up for this movie and was like, I am living for this. Get ready, world. I feel like he won an Oscar in the middle of this movie and was like... Don't you also... I also feel like going back to the accent of Chloe Sevigny, everyone's like, oh yeah, we're shooting this movie in Norway. And then they're reading the script on the plane for the first time. Oh, it's in Norway. People in Norway don't have accents. They got off the plane and they're like, oh. Like, it just...

That's your Norwegian accent. It's hard. Whatever from the cab ride from the airport to set, that was where they did their most research.

I'm just looking at my notes on a macro level and there are so many things that have three to five question marks after it. This movie puts so many things in motion that it just simply does, like the minute it went seven years earlier, I was like, what?

And by the way, I was watching it pretty intensely and I missed that. I missed seven years earlier too and there's no sense of people wearing different clothes. No, it doesn't matter. Val Kilmer's storyline takes place in the past? Question mark? Yeah. And in service of what? I also thought he was not dead. Like I was like, oh, he faked his death because he got too close. No, no, he was dead. I would love to talk about Oslo Police HQ.

Oh, that was the best. You mean the set of Dogville? Yes, or it appears to be like a library. Appears to be actually a really lovely place to work. Yes. Also, ping pong. A 10-minute demonstration on how an iPad works. And, by the way, this movie was made. And then you swipe left. But there's like a man at the top of like a tall ladder. I was like, I feel like the minute people walk out of the room, they shoot like a J. Crew catalog. Everybody's like,

And then, like, Rebecca Ferguson's leaving the room and the phone rings and everybody's like, the phone is ringing at the police station. What? This is the police station. Well, it's because of the... I feel like that...

In defense of that moment, I think it was Harry's phone that was ringing. Yes, it was, but who cares? They looked at it still like they've never seen a phone ring. Well, look, this is a culture that we've established. The year is 2017, and the best thing to an iPad is bigger than most. It's a clamshell. What was that? What was that?

What was that meant to be? Just a briefcase with a camera. But they kept explaining like, so to turn it on, you do this. And like 10 minutes later, that woman who sounded like an ashtray was still like explaining every part of it to us. And she was like, swipe left here, swipe right here. And I was like,

And it looked like the footage they were getting on there was really bad. Brainy. Yeah, and then it was like, but great to hide? Like when she puts that giant ass camera in the bookshelf, like it looks like a trunk. That's crazy. It's bigger than an old film camera. Like now they don't even, the film cameras that they use now are smaller. Oh no, it was full reels. It would be as if in 2017 you walked in and somebody was like,

oh, I'm sorry, there's an Apple IIe over there on that shelf? Like, what's going on? It was a desktop. It was like...

Book, book, book. Everybody, at some point, the Fassbender boss goes, you know, I'm sorry, we don't have more murders for you to solve, you know, because apparently there's, but that's the only thing that helps you understand why they're such bad detectives. Yeah. Because they have no murders. But he's the best. And Fassbender's using the secret because he's like, please, please God, make me a bird so I can fly.

Solve a lot of murders, yeah. For part of the movie... He was a murderer. For part of the movie, I thought Fassbender was doing the murders out of boredom. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I was like, this is gonna be a little... Because he was like, at least I'll have something to do. What could he...

I feel like every character in there just should have been like, can I kill? But you were saying backstage right before we went on, which I thought was so funny. Don't tell them what I said backstage, Brian. Oh, sorry. Okay. It's very Illuminati oriented and it has to do with the top floor of the celebrity center. No, you were saying that the mother when she dies at the beginning is smiling on her way down. That was a tough moment. So unsettling. Here we go.

Just staring at her son, smiling. What's better? What's better? Being hit every goddamn day of your life with coffee or murdering yourself? I mean, it's also a question. Is it Kate McKinnon? Honestly. Like, very real, very real question. Is this Kate McKinnon? It might be. But by the way, like... Is this a Ghostbusters prequel? Yeah.

What's so weird about this, and this is what's so weird, is they take away all sympathy for the mother to be like, this is how I'm going to kill myself in front of my kid like this.

Not like, never like, I love you, I'm sorry. I guess she's catatonic, but I don't really even understand. Like, there's this, like, she knows that he's there. Like, the stronger choice in my mind is like, just look forward. Like, but the fact that she's making eye contact. Making it, she gives you the look that like, intelligentsia gives you if you ask for a straw. She's like, Here he goes. Look at her. Goodbye. Volvo. Sponsored by Volvo. Yeah.

I mean, that is such a crazy fucking moment. And that's what you open the movie on. And then I thought, did you guys think that that was Michael Fassbender's character? Yes. The whole time I thought it was Fassbender. I think you're supposed to, right? Oh. I assumed that was part of the... I just thought that was bad storytelling because it's like, why would you... Why would you... Why?

Why would you show this and then fade into Michael Fassbender? The logical leap is that was him. Fade into him fucking drunk at a children's museum. No, a children's park. And then give no reason why he's fucked up. I don't know. Why is he an alcoholic? We presume. You have to have a reason to be an alcoholic. Agreed. What the movie does.

Yes, it's not a disease. No. It is. No. You have to have a reason. Exactly. It's an annoying friend. Finally, someone said it. Peer pressure. Peer pressure. Whatever it is. We're high experience. To be cool. Yes. Or just hand her your fucking liquor. We know you. Just do it. You can't do a mustache. Whatever. The movie is... Part of the reason the movie is so bad...

is that it's a mystery movie in which it is constantly giving you misdirects that do not help you. You don't get ahead of it. Yes, cutting from this to him sleeping in the thing suggests he is that kid, but he's not. So as a result, you're like, I can't play at all with this movie. I don't get to weigh in. I don't get to be ahead of it. I don't get to guess. You could point at any character and be like,

That's the murderer. This movie... It doesn't take you with it once. This movie makes you a fucking victim. Yes.

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Also, what was so... They gave us Harry Hole. They also gave us the term... This was also a lazy translation thing. I'd love it if it gave me Harry Hole. Honey. It gave us the term pregnancy doctor. Which, like...

I'd like to go see my pregnancy doctor. You don't sound pregnant to me if you're saying it that way. By the way, that scene had my favorite thing in it, which is like, I think my wife is cheating on me. How do you know? Oh, well, she's just gazing at him in a magazine pic, which you're not even together in. No. She's married to him. Yeah.

I love this picture. Fucking. I love that this picture is... That's the laziest thing. It's not like all three of them are together. It's not like you see, oh, here's a photo of them at an event. It's three separate photos, but her eyes are like on JK. Honestly, how insecure as a spouse do you have to be to look at that picture and be like, are you in this composite shot that none of us were there for? Why is this... When I see the back of a man's head... Okay. Okay.

My panties get so fucking soaked. Okay. By the way, can someone explain this part of the story to me? No. Because it doesn't tie into anything. Yes, I can a little bit, I think. Okay. Okay.

So, gentlemen on the far right. Yes, J.K. Simmons. No, far right. Far right, the husband. Beats by Dre guy. What? I don't know. He just wore Beats by Dre. It made me really confused. Oh, yes. He's wearing headphones later. Yes, you're right. So, he and that's his wife. Yes. They in...

Borgen or Bergen? Bergen. Bergen are... He has a family business of some sort that is big time. J.K. Simmons comes in. He becomes a shareholder in their family business. He then muscles them out. He sells the land that their business is...

Wow, this is all in the movie. ...on for a fortune. Okay. And I believe my understanding is she might be one of the first people. She also disappears. Right. She disappears in a way that you must presume you're meant to believe is to cast doubt on J.K. as the snowman killer. He's been killing since her. Got it. But that is not the case. But he's doing something else. Yeah, no, he's just like a cool perv. But...

Is he running like, but I get that he likes to quickly take pictures of women. How about when he does that to Rebecca Ferguson, he's just like, okay, that sounds good. With a flash? She doesn't

a flash one inch from her pupil and she does not react. He also is taking it with the flash. It's not going to come out great. But he, but then, but what is his, so I know he's trying to get the Olympics there. That's a thing, but then there's a fertility doctor. or is it the World Cup?

No, it's like a nothing. It's an either. It's like something in between. It's like World Sports Winter. I just love the party where there are full-on fucking skiers going through. And ice hockey. That made me want to go there.

I thought if I could attend a ball and be pummeled by hockey pucks every which way, like that's a selling. I would love to go. It made me think that everyone there was walking on fucking solid ice. They had to have been. There were active skaters on the place. It truly was like. We're sure they weren't blading.

No, the patrons? No. The donors? The philanthropists? No, the people skating were on rollerblades. No, they were skating. I don't know. I think skating, but maybe you're right. She's absolutely not right. They were not rollerblading. You don't see their feet?

They're too lazy to show you their feet. You did see their feet. I could do this. All right, so just to draw this line, just to finish this circle. This circle is fucking out. There's abortion doctors? So the abortion doctor, fertility doctor, whatever that doctor is. Oh, Yvonne, Yvonne or something? Yeah. I liked him. Mr. Nail polish? That was one of the best scenes. Wait, sorry. You liked the guy running the prostitution race? Yes, I thought he was really good. I thought that was like... I related to him. I...

I thought he was the hero of the movie. What? Because what he was doing was good. Yeah. Although, I liked looking at his weird feet as he was cuddled up on his couch. Yes. While talking to police. That to me felt like the most... If you said to me, what scene feels the most like a... I guess... I don't know. I guess...

I don't know who that is. His shirt was open a little bit. But if you were saying to me, like, hey, it's a Norwegian detective movie, I'm like, that scene feels like the only scene that belongs to him. It was creepy, yeah. Creepy was weird. He was great. But now, he's doing what to women? Giving, oh. It's a sex ring. Yeah. Okay. And I only know this because I read the Wikipedia page.

a beauty page not because the fucking movie told me okay so he's running a sex ring with J.K. Simmons and his spirit gum Cocker Spaniel beard sure and so he's bringing women to an underground carousel I don't know where they were it was like an underground silent movie theater yeah I don't know what the fuck was going on there but yet like Rebecca Ferguson's in there fine no problem with a full just VCR camera got it and everyone has

Iphone's JK has an Iphone why doesn't she just fucking have an Iphone why wouldn't you put that Iphone on the shelf she needed like a crew it's so shocking she's filming she's filming a clandestine meeting between JK Simmons the fertility doctor and some woman the fertility doctor takes her top off she's recording it with like a Commodore 64 yes

But yet, it's a world in which people have iPhones. It's wild. This is how bad Norway's police are. That's right, Norwegian police. We are putting you on blast. I thought there was something funny about the politeness of Norwegians because at one point, the mom gets a text. She pulls over, answers the text. Oh, that was amazing. So responsible. That was so Norwegian.

Oh, yeah. I'll pull over to answer this text. You know what other technology thing I didn't buy? It wasn't even technology. The fact that they were like, hmm, let's figure out where this woman went. Let's look at her physical calendar where she hand wrote all of her appointments in in different ink. It's like, oh, she's supposed to be a fucking business lady. And she's like, what do I do on the 12th?

Didn't you think that the daughter's phone was going to be important? The daughter had taken a picture at one point and there was all this stuff that I kept feeling like the movie, in order to obfuscate what was happening because otherwise you would figure it out instantaneously, had to put a bunch of nonsense MacGuffins in to distract you. I literally, at one point when they were on the train, he's in the kids' compartment in the train, and the guy

guy yeah like that's why there's like a playroom weird specific that he like that's where he works okay so anyway he and when that when the guy comes in the stepdad comes in I'm like if this motherfucker is the killer I'll be so mad oh and then the fucking second he sits down and it's like I'll cover for you I'm like oh well so you're the killer yeah that's it yeah that doesn't make any yeah the minute I saw Toby Jones I was like oh oh so what

So what happened to him? We got a Toby Jones in this movie. It's probably the killer. I think that's what happened. What the fuck? What does he do in that movie? You saw him and you didn't. Yeah, Toby Jones is pointless. I think Toby Jones is there literally to make you believe, well, it's Toby Jones. He's the killer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Obviously, he's the killer. He looks like a real creep.

But no, it's not at all. He's just like, he only exists as the, to give shed light on the Val Kilmer character in the flashback. Wait, who was Toby Jones? He was the one who played Capote that wasn't Philip Seymour Hoffman. Oh!

You know, famous Norwegian actor Toby Jones? He was in The Hunger Games. But he played, yes, like the what? The adversary of Val Kilmer? But why did Val Kilmer hate him so much that he like walked out on the roof of the police precinct and was like, well, what is this leading to? Leading to nothing and also all this weird VO conversation happening via walkie-talkie. Just like,

The team was like, oh, now they're – it was so crazy. Could they hear what was being said on the watch? I don't think so. I mean, just so you know, like, I mean, it's more the choice of this. The Get Val Kilmer, he's recovering from – he called it cancer healing, but from throat cancer. So he clearly couldn't speak in the movie. So what I think happened is he does his lines, but because he can't speak –

He is probably speaking with like a lisp or something. So then the ADR guy has to compensate for his weird lip movements. So then he's like, oh, I'll tell you this much. So that's weird. I wouldn't truly do anything for any bonus footage of that ADR session. Because it's like, how do you match his lips? Because his lips aren't really even moving as I was watching. And then at a certain point you have to go, you know what?

We love having you. We're going to pay you out. We're just going to get somebody else because you have a guy who is supposed to be the parallel of the other guy solving a murder with wordless. Like, he doesn't speak. He goes through such great lengths to just burn. And it's like,

To do that, it feels like that's really harming your movie. No, it was like watching, it was like David Lynch. It was like watching that little guy who's like Laura Palmer. Like, in Twin Peaks. Like speaking backwards in the room. Yes, that dude was like, I mean, here it is. I mean, we'll just, we were talking about it. Look, watch how much he looks like Kurt Russell. Oh, awesome. City of Bergen, nine years earlier. Yeah, man.

That's Goldie Hawn. Not Victor Garber. Here it is. Uh-oh. Folded page. How long has she been missing? Two days. Can you pause for a second, Paul? She said...

I thought that we were meant to believe. I felt like when it first happened, they were masking his voice like it was going to be a reveal later. Right. And in fact, it's just a bad, weird ADR voice. I mean, so, because I'm like, is it Norwegian? Is it what? Here, you'll listen to it. Again, it's Bane. I went to visit a friend and she never came back. And they also do so much on the back of his head. Oh, whenever he talks...

whenever he talks it's on the back of his head because they can't laugh and match the lip motion why did you come to me i've been suspended because you're a friend you're a great detective but i don't want anyone knowing about this just yet not yet i don't want to go to the police can you tell me

Paul, can you pause it? I want to remind everybody listening and who's in the room tonight, both of these characters are Norwegian. Yes. They also made an executive decision in this movie to remove anything in Norwegian, any license plates, any titling. Weird, because it's in Oslo. I would have loved to, and honestly, I'm not kidding, I would have loved to have seen more of Norway. Yes. I really would have. There was a moment where I was like, well, at least...

At least it's pretty. Yeah. What? Who? Because I don't know anymore. Like my brain is so fucked up like this could be British as far as I know after watching this movie. Who speaking in this movie is doing an actual Norwegian accent? Is there one person? I don't think so. There's not one person. I don't think one person. It's just a Benetton ad of accents. Yeah. I don't know.

I don't know. I mean, clearly J.K. Simmons and one of Chloe Sevigny's characters are doing unaccented. But it is clear there has been no effort made for even the main characters to sound Norwegian. Michael Fassbender, Michael Fassbender. Rebecca Ferguson, Rebecca Ferguson. They just sound like themselves. I will say this. Without saying much, Val Kilmer is absolutely

Like, you can see, like, oh, you don't need that many words. Like, he just gives a lot of stares. And I'm going to be honest with you. Like, this is a performance I feel like that has been duplicated. I mean, this is Bradley Cooper is doing this in A Star is Born. Ha ha ha!

He is. He's just like, I just want to get another hookage. I've never been in a bar like this before. I want you to come on the road with me. First stop is Arizona. I think Bradley Cooper thinks he's convinced us he's 58 years old. Yes. And also has convinced us that he's Heath Ledger. Yes. There was just like a Brokeback Mountain. I just wanted to get another hookage.

You had a pretty good voice, bro. I love your nose. Don't be scared of me. Are you a guy? Are you a dude? I was born in 1940. Did you vote for Eisenhower? What shampoo? He's doing a bunch of... I couldn't... He's doing like an acting workshop, like, I can show range. That's Val Kimmerer's part. Also, I know we're not there yet, but this is how... Oh, we're there. Okay. Yeah.

This is how indiscreet Harry Hole is as a detective. Every time. Him with that knee. Makes me laugh every time. That fucking Lee press on nail at the end of the movie tapping on that mug for a solid spot. Oh, that Jamie Lannister finger? Tinker Taylor, seamstress spy. Like, just like, pull...

That noise was so grating. And it didn't even look like his finger was gone. No, and he's like, I'll take the next case. And it's like, well, are you going to tap your finger on the mug if you take the case? I can't believe Rebecca Ferguson got killed. By the way, she doesn't get killed in the books. What? She doesn't? No, she's like a character in these books that exists for many more books. This is why we need me too.

Wait, Rebecca Ferguson's character doesn't die in the book. Also, by the way, she's also smiling in a car when she dies. Yes. With her head on. Perfect. What killed her? All he did was cut her finger off. She lost her finger and she couldn't text anymore. Yeah. I

I don't know. All I know is he looked out a window. There's a snowman on top of his car. And by the way, the snowman zooms in this were full dramatic chipmunk. And just carrots. The first test screening, I laughed every single time they said Harry Hole and every time you saw a fucking snowman. It works every time. It really does. As a key witness to keep zooming on a snowman. And by the way, how did he do that snowman on the car? You'd have to have gotten

gotten up there but no footprints. Yeah. There are so many times when Mateus must have been building the snowman such that people could have seen him making the snowman. Yeah. That's why you had to do that sneaky one. The forward facing and backward facing. I like that. The two face.

Can I talk about the editing for a second? I want to play this. Which you edited by, by the way, Thelma Shoemaker. Right. Who edited Raging Bull. Raging Bull. That's Martin Scorsese's editor. Yes. Because he produced this. That's Michael Powell's wife. Yeah.

Here we go, I'm sure. But actually it's edited by two... I mean, like a pretty legendary person. Oh yeah, one of the best. It is actually edited by two editors, both super highly recommended because... And they're not together, so it was like, fuck, here's what I got. And someone was like, let me take a shot. Here's what I got. And one of them was released or they were merged together, but clearly two A-plus editors were like, eh...

Like, maybe we'll show up on a podcast one day? I think that's the most shocking thing about this movie is the right actors, the right director, the right cinematographer, the right editor, and just a colossal fuck-up. Oh, so crazy. All right, so this is the editing. Just watch the choices here. And maybe, yeah. I'm Fassbender. This is the entrance scene where he comes in. This is his apartment. His apartment. Just wait a second.

Okay, boom. Jump cut. Jump cut. Weirdly a jump cut even though he's walking very slow. All right. Next scene. Dog. They're my puppies! Boom. Fire, fire, fire. Dog. Gun. Guy. How are you? Back to... But I just love that the dog gets... Where did that dog go? And why did the dog get a reaction shot?

- The recent movie should have been 85% more of that dog. - Also the dog-- - Look at that dog. - Dog gives one of the best-- - And what is it eating? - The dog was shocked. - You scared a puppy, Michael.

Boy, that's a cute puppy. It's so cute. Also, Michael Fassbender takes care of this dog. How just like pours water on the floor before he leaves. No, it's not. It's not. It's the guy who's removing the molds dog because remember later in the movie when the bad guy is in the fucking hazmat suit and he walks out and then the guy's like clearly at a bar with his puppy because that's what you do. And he's like, hey bro, what's

my costume. I thought it was a blackout adoption because when he wakes up at one point, he sees the concert tickets he bought for his son. He's like, shit. But he was so drunk, he's like, I want to die.

He's a drunk who wakes up in a sea of puppies. Poor Oleg, by the way. Poor Oleg. Just treated like shit at every turn. Why can't anybody in this movie admit who their fucking kid is? Yeah. Yes. It doesn't make any sense. He's not his dad. He's the boyfriend of his mom, I guess, after she already had him. No, but he is his dad. No. No. What? No. Fassbender? No.

Wait, Fassbender's not only dead. Remember when Charlotte Gainsborough is in fucking singing and she's like, should we tell him you're his dad? No, she says, he says to, the boy says to Fassbender at one point, you're not her boyfriend anymore. And so I think he said, and then earlier Gainsborough was like,

you know, I think he would like to see you at the house. But she wasn't like, you're his dad, why are you being all weird about it? Also, what I still kind of... Does anybody know? Was his game just like, I target women who's married to people who don't know who their sons are? Yeah. So was he trying to like... And what was the idea of giving Fassbender like sleeping pills or putting that other pill there? What was that? Why was he always trying to drug Fassbender? Oh, and didn't the... Did the guy put the pill...

the pills? Yeah, the killer did. Why? And what is diazepam? What is that? I don't know. Isn't it like a sleeping pill? Didn't he say it was for sleeping more? Yeah, I guess. It sounded delicious. I don't know what it was. It was one of the PAMs and I was all in. Also, why isn't Fassbender sleeping? Why? He's a drunk. Isn't that all they do? What is he plagued by? He had a weird high school experience and so he's an alcoholic now. Right. And he can't sleep because of it.

You could have found out about it in the books, the previous books, The Bat, Cockroaches, The Red Breast, The Nemesis, Devil Stars. These are the subtitles? Yep. The Redeemer, The Snowman, The Leopard, The Phantom, The Police. Why haven't they made all of them? Well, clearly he was getting ready to make his Marvel. This is it. It's true. There's never been more, nothing primed for a sequel like, I'll take the next case.

And then everyone's like, she has cuts inside her mouth? Yeah. What a crazy killer. The idea that they did a scene that set up a sequel to this movie is hubris. It really is.

Paul, I see a file that I'm so interested in because I wrote down Norwegian Moby. Okay. And I think you know perhaps what that's in reference to. Yes. There's a weird, they go to a concert. Yes. And no one is having fun. Not one person's enjoying this.

Well, because they're essentially watching like male Bjork on stage screaming his face off. This is Oleg's birthday concert. This is his birthday. And by the way, he... If my mom's ex-boyfriend, who is my surrogate father, took me to this, I'd be like, do you hate me? But it's also so weird. It's like, yeah, I got these tickets from a guy at work. Like with no explanation. Like, you want tickets? Yeah. Yeah.

Great. Oh, for a hamburger. Thank you. It didn't seem like he asked anything. If the B-52s didn't make music or have lyrics, this is the concert they went to. I thought it was a really bad spoken word performance. It was the worst concert I've ever seen. This is the Norwegian Henry Rollins. For sure. It was very Henry Rollins. This is what we understand Norway to be. Here we go.

Work got me the tickets. No one's having fun! No one's having fun. Everyone is eating. The music, the music is against what he's doing. Look how many empty seats there are. It's like this movie shows that this is unsuccessful. And so you, except for this one guy. One guy is on his feet.

This guy's having the time of his fucking life. Like, they didn't give the audience, and this guy's taping it. They didn't give the audience. This guy's actually part of the crew. He has a smaller camera than Rebecca Ferguson. You know that song, I Hope You Dance? It's about this guy. I thought it was like Ballroom Blitz at first, but here we go. But it's neither like metal, it's not hardcore, it's like, you know what it is. Where's the...

I kind of want to read the book now for that explanation. I hope there's a whole chapter to this. I bet it would make the movie more satisfying because there's clearly a lot of stuff in play. But again, keep in mind, they did not shoot.

15 to 20% of the script. And by the way, they also, Johnny Greenwood recorded a score that they're like, Really? Nah, we won't use it. They didn't use it? They didn't use any of his score. What? That was a mistake. Yeah, huge mistake. But by the way, it's not like, oh, it would wreck the movie.

What if any Norwegian person we talked to was like, it made perfect sense. It was terrifying. I was on the edge of my seat. The references were incredible. And the linchpin of it was that dude singing. And if you missed the reference, you didn't get it. He's revealing the killer in that moment. There was like a, like, everything is garbage. Everything is garbage. And then there's a moment where like Charlotte Gainsbourg, not singing, comes over to Michael Fassbender's apartment. And she's like, I miss you. And I'm like, oh, great. I'm going to see two hot people fuck.

Nope. Yes, you do. They do fuck. Dry hump. They dry hump. No, they fuck. I thought they fucked. No fucking is when you're both wearing clothes and you rub against each other, right? Wait, that's just rubbing? Yes. She gets interrupted by a fuck call. She climbs on top. What is this? To me, it was fucking. What is this? This looks to me like sex. That is, his pants are not undone. She's on his rib cage. That's not sex. Spinner's not in this.

By the way, why would she be into that thing? I know. Yeah, maybe you're right. I thought they were fucking. No, that's not you guys. No, his pants are fucking. This is not erotic. No. Are you shitting or not? No, I'm not. No, they're not fucking. No, look, fuck, she just gets up. Yeah, that's true. Stop.

While like, Sigur Rós plays the bagpipes. His pants are fully buttoned. Oh, that's true. I misunderstood that too. Well, so in order for a woman to fuck, you have to put your vagina on a dick. Wow. You know what though? That might be Norwegian sex. I think it is. They're like, it's too cold. That's what George Harrison wrote about when he wrote about Norwegian wood. Norwegian wood?

She did get pregnant though after that. I once wore a sweater dress and can I say I humped his jeans. If she gets pregnant. She rode me until nothing much happened then walked away. We both care about Oleg. He's not my son. You're fucking the murderer.

Isn't it good in Norway? We're going to get to you guys in the audience in a second. Please be. There's a lot to get to, but this is one thing we've never done on the show before. A little bit of a game. The trailer of this movie has a lot of scenes that are not in the movie, which is surprising for a movie that they didn't shoot 20% of. They were like...

Let's keep a little bit on the cutting room floor. And there are things that I want to go through, show it to you. We'll talk about it and see what we can see. What could this have been? All right. So first scene is this. It's a photographer taking pictures of a dismembered body in the middle of a museum. But this looks like a gorgeous scene. I would love to have seen this. And this is the dude who is talking to Val Kilmer.

So this is in the nine years ago. Nine years ago, but there is the way that his wife. I bet that's his wife. That's his wife. But that's the way her body was found on the mountain. Well, that's the thing. There's all these things where the murderer like compartment or like takes apart the person's body and rearranges it. Yeah. So I wonder if this is that. But like with that, guys, I don't know. But that's not the murderer. So it was like police. Yeah. Yeah.

So, okay. Also, is Charlotte Gainsbourg at some point explaining these paintings to somebody? Isn't there a scene where she's working in a gallery or something? Yes. That's not these paintings, but that is true. Oh, by the way, that was when I wrote down... She said, you scared away my clients. Oh, when he stares at her in the window for like five minutes? When I wrote down, at that point I wrote down, this movie should be called Pensive Looks Through Windows. Because I started keeping count, and I literally was like, I lost count at a certain point. I was like...

Window look. Everyone's looking through a window. They locked eyes for like five minutes while she was with a client. And then she didn't reappear in the movie for like 40 minutes. I wrote down, where is Charlotte Gainsborough? Here's footage number two. This looks like part of the implantation from the sex therapist. What? I mean, what do you see here? It looks like a diaphragm full of yogurt. Oh, yeah.

I was thinking maybe it was like... It looks like pouring milk into a condom.

Yeah. All right, so there's that. Don't know what that scene was. Don't even know how that fits in. Wait, what is that? What on earth? Or glass blowing? It does look like a female condom. Yeah. So that's what I think. It's attached to that thing. Why does it have to be gendered? Sorry. It could be a male condom. Snow person. So that's like some weird. Why isn't it called snow person? I'm with you. Here we go.

This scene. That looks great. He's shot. So we know he shot Fassbender in this scene. He's stopping a car on the road. So what happened here? That's an entire, that's a different scene. But why is he holding his shoulder? Because he's shot here. He's shot lower when he's shot on the ice. So this is a scene where he gets in the car and he's like, yeah, crazy day. Um.

Can you take me to this cabin where my... Killers, I bet you maybe they reshot the... We'll see. I have a theory about the ending. So that's that. He's like, get me out of this movie. That was just him in a Norwegian highway. Okay, here we go. And this is... Here are the last two. This is Chloe. Chloe.

So as we know, Chloe, she's just chopping the heads off of chickens. Turns around, there's like a baby, a sweaty baby doll. But now we see this. She's clearly been running and limping and steps in a bear trap. What? I'll show that again. So there's the bear trap. She's running...

We just got no build up. Bear trap. This was it. There's a scene where Chloe Sevigny gets caught in a fucking bear trap. And they were like, cut it. But how did that even tie into anything else? Because he just comes up behind her. I love when this shit happens because I just like the idea of Chloe bringing someone to the premiere and being like, there's a great scene where I get stuck in a bear trap. And then the friend, I just picture halfway through the movie going,

You're such a liar. I wrote, oh, Chloe Sevigny's in this movie, some version of that. Okay. And then I wrote, like, whatever, two lines later, Chloe Sevigny plays two parts in this movie. Where she was like, her sister was like, I don't know where she is. I was like, what's happening? Yeah.

This has become love boat level crazy. You play two roles and you're on screen for 45 seconds? Honestly. And any time that I was like, oh, this will be interesting, they're like, oh no, I'm her twin sister. It's not related. This isn't confusing for you, okay? Don't worry, none of this will be important. Maybe the reshoot was adding the twin sister. Like,

We just need to make this movie weirder. So tragic. This is the one that confounds me the most. Okay, so here we go. It's a barn. Looks like the barn from the end of the movie. Explosion and fire. Is there an alternate ending where Charlotte Gainsbourg dies? That is clearly the house.

Somebody explodes the house to such a degree that it should be made out of gasoline. And who's in there? Okay, don't you feel like they shot an ending where everyone dies and Michael Fassbender dies and then other guy does his Titanic ending and like...

Michael Fassbender should die. And then they reshot it. They were like, it's too sad. They all should die except for the villain because the villain is clearly the smartest person in the movie. By far. I wish everyone gave a two-camera interview at the end of this movie explaining why they were in it. Like, I wish J.K. Simmons' character was like, so, at the end, nothing is resolved with me. Um...

I literally drop out of this movie. It wasn't part of the bigger story. So yeah, I did try to have a good time. Things got a little bit off the rails. My character isn't explained at the end, but you know, what's up? Maybe sequel. I like the idea of a post-credit sequence like that where it is like, what happened to them? It's like, here's my best guess as an actor. Yeah.

The way I was able to go home on the flight and justify it or tell my friends is like, yeah. Is that we got the Winter Games. I went to my hallway full of beautiful tapestries. The girl wasn't there. I took a nap.

made sense in this movie was when um the villain was on the train with michael fastbender and he was like yeah i'm going to a con uh some conference about using hormone therapy to uh prevent aging because you know who's going to need plastic surgery if you can use hormone therapy and i immediately grabbed my laptop and i was like is this possible is this a real thing that's happening let's get into the crowd a little bit because um we stay here all night but uh all right let's go into it people um

Let's see what you have to say. All right, let's figure out what I'm going to make you do for this. All right, I'm going to do your... You say your name and your best ADR voice for Val Kilmer. All right, so you don't have to do the whole thing, but just your name, okay, and your question. My name is Patrick Schoenberg. Great.

Yeah, so my question is, at some point in the movie, essentially what happens is we see one of his superiors at the party where everybody is, you know, like the J.K. Simmons thing is going down. He goes there and he reads his note from earlier in the movie that he gets from the killer. And it basically says, I saw you pass out outside.

Yeah, I was guarding mommy, don't worry about it. And at no point does his superior in the police force go like, yeah, why were you passed out outside? Nobody calls him back to that. So, like, why is his alcoholism never a point ever again or his passing out in a children's park done? Or that he seems to be part of an active serial killer's plan. LAUGHTER

Like, the serial killer is communicating with him directly, and he barely mentions it, doesn't call any attention to it, and even though the serial killer's signature is a snowman and that there's a snowman at every murder site, he still doesn't put any of it together. He's awful at his job. When that song plays again, and he's just like, let yourself out, great to see you. Hey, get out of here, get out of here.

How about the... But by the way, give me... I'll even buy that as if he's like, get out of here. And you hold on him for a second. He's like, oh shit. And then he goes running after him, but then the guy disappears. But he doesn't even do that, right? He doesn't run after him. No. He's just like, I'm going to spill some water on the floor. Maybe a dog will come lick it up.

Here is my other question that I was confused by and I didn't rewind it because I didn't care, which was you talked about him passing out on the ground. There is later a picture of him in a frame, right? That's like on a mantle in whose house? His ex-girlfriend's. But is it like a – where is it? Isn't it the house of Mateus? It's Mateus' house. It's the killer's house. The cabin? Yeah.

No, it's like his house. It's his home, right? But yes, but why would he have the picture? By the way, why would he have A, all the proof of his serial killing out? Oh, he's got it laid out. They always want to get caught. He's got it laid out, like printouts of every person he's killed. But then also framed photographs. Yeah. Like that one of him passed out in front of the bar was a, like he's like, I'll get a frame.

to frame him keep in mind keep in mind the killer is a medical professional he's a doctor and he still has time to make like all of these he lives with the wife yes no he doesn't live with the wife he's her boyfriend he's wearing the apron what he wears aprons with her

He does. He wears that apron. He doesn't live with Charlotte Gainesville. They're not married? No. No, because wasn't there a discussion about moving to the country? Yes. Oh, okay, sorry. And the kids didn't want to go? Isn't Oslo the country? We didn't see a city center. I just saw cliffs and ice. Yeah. So fuck you, Norway. Fuck you, Norway.

I goddamn dare you, Norway, to pay for us to come to your country and do a show. I have to be honest with you. I would actually love to see a summer Norway movie. I think that would be beautiful. I would go to Norway any minute. Same. Bring us Norway. By the way, read one of the many Joe Nesbo books. He'll bring you there and you'll feel like you're in...

Yes, your name and your question. And the Val Kilmer ADR voice. Just your name. Nikki? No, okay. Okay. I used to be a black man. So at the point where the female detective is suspended and sent home, he breaks into her apartment and then picks her up and slams her into the ground so hard. And then he lies down on top of her.

While she screams at him to get off and he makes the weirdest face. And they have like a fucking 16 Candles moment where they're just sitting beside each other going like, what are you thinking? He's like a real Jake Ryan to her. No, he lies on top of her like she's having a fit or something. Also,

Remember when she fucking dies in his car and the next day there's two people crying at the office and he's like, dry your fucking eyes, you pussy. He's like, doesn't care at all that she's dead. Hi. Never mind. All right. And she's Val Kilmer's daughter. And no one explicitly says that. I haven't understood a word anyone said. Is there anybody...

Did everybody know that she was Gary Kilmer's wife? Why are you Cuddle Bear? And she's like, oh, because, what is it? Oh, Cloudberry. Cloudberry, yeah. You know the term everyone here knows. Yeah. Oh, we haven't even talked about the fucking snowman. Are you guys leaving? The shotgun? Are you guys leaving? Why? Did you love the movie? They're Norwegian. They're Norwegian. Who leaves at this stage of the podcast?

They're so mad. If they come back, I swear to God, let's get them. I know I've been here well over an hour. I want to go. By the way, how dumb was it that the snowman killer put a snowman head on the blown off part of Val Kilmer's body knowing it would melt? Yeah.

How unsatisfying. If I were a serial killer, you leave your mark. You don't want it to fucking melt. And then he goes, what are those, coffee beans on the floor? Oh, boy. Yeah, that was a real stretch. That's the uncle father's...

whole coffee torture scene about Norwegian history? Yeah. Literally the first line of the movie is like, what's your favorite thing about Norwegian parliament? That's what's like, that's what's, yeah, that's what's important. For a movie, that's worth dying for. But by the way, for a movie that seemingly wants to separate itself from Norway, that's,

Weird way to start it. We start off, yeah, truly, we start off so specific about Norway. I don't even know if he's right or wrong. It sounds convincing to me. The stakes are zero for us. All right, here we go, sir. Also, like, I know it's not about this, but, like, she is so much hotter than him. Oh, the first couple? The mom. Oh, for sure. She looks like a fucking Williamsburg barista, and he looks like my fucking alcoholic Catholic uncle.

But by the way, kudos to this movie for the grossest sex noises. It was like, ugh, ugh. And it was like, oh, that's the noise that that man would make having sex with that woman. Like, it felt right. All right, here we go. Great. Just to go back to the whole Norwegian history opening scene thing.

He had a full-on test, like filled out. Whose test was that?

Yeah, who's reading questions? It was like a child's, like, it was like a history test in a class. Like, it was fully filled out with correct answers and more, like. Well, I also thought that they were setting up this idea that he wasn't, like, a real Norwegian kid. He's like, you need to know this. You can't get away in this country without knowing all this shit. Like, yeah, you're Canadian, but we're going to fucking make you Norwegian. Like, you know.

It's also just like, is this like, is he comparing him to his like real family? Is that like his real son's test? He's comparing. It was just like, whose test was that? And what were they doing? Are they ice farmers? Why were they isolated? Like, because when he left, it seemed like I won't come back to give you gas. But then she has a car. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

At first I was like, oh, there are prisoners out here and he's a homeschool kid and it's a sex dungeon. And then I was like, oh shit, she's got a Volvo? Yeah, living large. And then he's like loyal to red Volvos? Yeah.

This was a nationalist movie a little bit. Because his mom died in one. Died in one. He's like, I guess I drive a red Volvo. What a great art director. It was the same Volvo because you can commit suicide in those. You clean them right up. They get right back on the road. They're great. They're not going to. Yeah, that's a good car. They don't lose their resale. They just got to try out. It's a great resale. All right, here we go. Here we go.

Mackenzie. Right. I was wondering if any of you noticed the opening car chase scene, how it's obviously toy cars on a car. Okay, this is so crazy you said it because I wrote down, is this a toy car? And I was like, ha ha, that can't be that. And now that you say it, did anyone else think that? I didn't see that, no. Oh, they can't drive on snow. So it was toy cars because they did like a shot of it. So it was a power wheel?

I mean, re-watch that scene. I wish I had that. I will not, thank you. Here's what I can guarantee. I will not re-watch any of this. I truly, I feel like I would be meeting royalty or I don't even know, like a four-leaf clover, if I ever met someone who saw this movie twice. It would shock the shit out of me. The idea that they did not shoot 15 to 20% and it's two hours long?

They didn't shoot 15 to 20%, but yet there's a guy in a shed with like a little power car. Just like, okay, yep, we got it. We got it. Okay, here we go. Your name and your question. Michelle. Right. I thought it was hilarious when they were in the hockey game for Oleg. And she was like, how did you remember to be here? And he like put his sleeve up and his arm just said Oleg.

He mementoed his wife, but even his memento was vague. Boy, hockey game, four o'clock, got it. That's amazing, great. One thing that he used to decapitate people, that's a new thing, right? I feel like it was a doctor's thing. Oh, just when doctors take your heads off? Yeah.

You know that they wanted that to be like that Anton Chigurh. Complete, absolutely. Oh, that's our fucking thing, man. And also there was like the whole section where he was like, click, click, click, click, click. And wrong answer. Click, click, click, click. Oh, actually right answer. Click, click, click, click, click. I was like, what the fuck is this?

What, like, version? How does this end in jeopardy for Norway? Yeah. What I liked about the instrument when you finally see it used against Chloe Sevigny is that, like, it goes around. It's not super quick. It's like... Pop. Like, you know, it's a patient...

It's a patient killing machine. No, it's like a singer sewing machine. It was like a bedazzler. It was such a confusing... I bet you that he didn't owe...

always kill people like that and then the test audience is like more of that crazy tool because it may have been like bear traps. Like Chloe Sevigny fell in like three bear traps and that's how she got decapitated. I bet you they're like more of that cool killing machine. Yeah, maybe. Yeah, the whole time the director was just like how would no one die? Let's invent a contraption. Yeah, let's invent. Yeah. Twist ties. All right, yes. Christopher. Right. Yeah.

So just looking up Wikipedia, looking at the weird production chaos they had, if this was successful, where could they have taken this as a series? Because they killed off Rebecca Ferguson's character, and just like when they're translating the books here in America, they started in the middle of the series. LAUGHTER

So they started right when he actually did work in Oslo, but then he started... This movie would be the equivalent of, like, jumping into not Avengers Infinity War, but Avengers Endgame. Like, you're like...

Start off there. If you start off at Endgame, you're totally caught up. Because it is. He's only wrote three books after, but these books have been out there from 97. I guess it's just every book is a murder...

Not knowing this series, is each book a case? Is it a procedural? Is it like Wallander or something? Oh, okay, here we go. Does someone know? Do you know? Joe Nesbo fan? Okay. Oh, here we go, Paul. This person's a Nesbo-phile. Nesbo-head. She's from the island of Nesbos. I have to give a fake name because I worked on this movie. What? What?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Jackpot, jackpot, jackpot! - What's the song? What's the song? - Okay, Stella. Stella is wearing a full painter's costume right now. Has a tattoo on her neck. Anyway, what do you know about this movie? - Couple backstory facts about the script originally.

Why he's so distraught and like sleeping in a playground is that they were building this backstory that he had like accidentally like shot a kid on like a previous case. Do you know how many... Wait. Reginald Vell Johnson diehard backstory. And sketch at UCB once every six months. One of the issues they had early on in... Wait, hold on for a second. So he shot a kid and then like goes like, I gotta sleep near kids? What?

Yeah. With a gun? This man shot a kid. What's a good thing for him to do? Look at school children all day. I'll be honest. The casualness with which he almost shoots the gas spraying man doesn't surprise me that he shot a kid. Well, we don't know what a kid had done to him. Self-defense. Was the kid a serial killer in Norway? No.

All right, all right. So that's the backstory they never really got to. Okay, so originally the mom character of the murderer...

was having an affair with a policeman who had a completely other family. And he refused to kind of like leave his family for her. And so decides she like goes crazy and kills herself, has the same kind of catatonic through the eyes. And then there's a scene towards the end of the movie where you see the little, you now realize that little boy's the murderer and he's just standing through the window, beginning of the long window peering, looking at the cop with his other family at Christmas, having the life he never got to have.

That's much better. But, okay, we then had story issues for the reasons why he started targeting single mothers. Because in theory, you think he would then be targeting cops. I still don't understand a word. Did the book target cops? And then they were like, no, women deserve to die. Can you speak to the bear trap? Bear trap was always in the script.

It was this horrific accident. It's just like a happenstance. She's like in the wilderness. What? Just like this movie had a random bear trap. Thanks a lot, Norway. There was never a twin from what I remember. Knew it. It was a reshoot. Yeah. Why? Why? Why have that? Why any of that? Why have that in there? Honestly. I left to go work. I don't know. Tell us.

So you may have left at a certain point where you can't answer any more questions. But can I ask you another question? Did the house explode in one version? Okay, so originally, he thinks his family, he thinks Charlotte Gainsbourg and his... And it's supposed to be his son, like estranged, like they're estranged. And their relationship had fallen apart because he became an alcoholic after shooting this kid. And so I think, if I remember this correctly, he thinks his son or...

His son and wife are burning alive in this house, and then it's then revealed, which didn't make any sense, that they're really on the ice. And he has to choose between saving his family or getting the murderer. Like, not a hard choice. Obviously. But it's Harry Hole, man. Harry Hole always gets the murderer. Murderer. Yeah.

You're like, what kind of hell did I create marrying this woman and having this child? Yes, let me solve a case and be a man. Then can I add my final question to you is, was the end always the guy just, the ice broke under him and fell in? Yes. It is such an unsatisfying way to see someone die to full fucking Titanic Jack style death.

fall into the abyss. Because it's also illustrative of the fact that Michael Fassbender did nothing to succeed. It's a happy accident that he survives. Just lucky. He's like, your father, you should have been mad at your father. And he's like, oh, you're going to get it? Oh! Oh! Oh!

What? Fassbender should die. Honestly. Everybody should die. Fassbender should have looked to camera after that guy died and just looked at us and been like, just lucky, I guess. Yeah. And that's a line at the end of every movie. Yes, yes. Because every movie he does a terrible job. Terrible. Multiple people get killed on his watch and he's like, oopsie magoopsie.

I guess I did it again. Me and my giant dick didn't solve the case. We didn't solve the case, but the murderer... But he got dry humped twice. Always getting dry humped. All right, so wait. What were you... One last. The Rebecca Ferguson... So originally it was supposed to be Brad Pitt and Jennifer Lawrence. Oh! Classic Norwegian actors.

And I believe the reason why what eventually became the Rebecca Ferguson character was murdered was to allow Jennifer Lawrence out in the franchise. She didn't want to do another franchise. Now then, my only final question is... And they didn't change it where they knew it wasn't going to be Jennifer Lawrence? They're like, sorry actress who sometimes gets work.

Cut off her finger and just keep her alive. Make them both miss fingers. Oh, then they're these twins. They can touch stumps. Hey, good job. Did Val Kilmer's part, was it meatier in the script or was that kind of... Was he the first choice? Yes.

Because it sounds like he was very ill. It's just so crazy that he did it. I don't know who originally they intended for that, but there was this whole long kind of metaphor building to the end where they would have conversations with Detective Harry Hole and when did it end up being that? Say that like it's fucking... Can we just agree to never say Detective Harry Hole again? Don't give him any legitimacy. And was there no conversation about that? No.

It was not in the script, and it wasn't until it was too late. Wasn't it in the script? It was in the book? It just, like, was a decision that was, like, I think made on the fly at the end. But, um...

So there was like, I remember there being scenes where they would be ice fishing and there was all these like deep conversations in like ice fishing huts between the two. And like, so the hole in the ice and the hole at the end was all supposed to like. Oh, I kind of like that actually. Oh, like he knew where the hole in the ice was because he had like. Had a hairy hole. That's his thing. He knows where all the holes are. He knows holes.

Plot holes. Then if that's the thing, put Shia LaBeouf in this and let's call it a day. That's right. Yes. Thank you so much. Well, holy shit. Yes. What are we doing? That was like Christmas wow. I've never been so angry. Thank you so much.

Wow. Wow. And by the way, every answer more fulfilling than the last. Truly. Yeah. This is great. Well, obviously we know a lot about this movie. We have opinions about it. But now it's time for Second Opinions.

Second opinions, they are always to be found with shitty taste and the internet and five stars to throw around. Second opinions, for the snowman flick they say he was made of snow but the viewers know that this movie's not okay. Ha ha ha ha ha!

There must have been some magic in that movie listing they found. For when they watched this travesty, they began to come unbound. Second opinions, they're always to be found. With shitty taste and the internet and five stars to throw around. Give it up. Great work. It's snowman appropriate. Great work. It is now time for second opinions.

One is the number of opinions that you usually have. But two opinions might be had when we're looking at movies that are supposedly bad. No stars for Fastbender's Snowman. We'll just never do. Because yes, it's a five-star experience. Like, look who's talking to. Yes, one's the number of opinions that we usually have. But a second opinion must be had if we're talking about BMX Classic Rack.

I'm not the same since Tom Selleck in Runaway. So I just spend my time writing reviews online that'll end up on How Did This Get Made? It's time for a second opinion. Time for a second opinion. Time for a second opinion Amazon review. Great work.

That was amazing. These are five-star reviews called from Amazon. The total of 395 reviews for the film. 20% are five stars. And... Same amount of movies. Yeah, that's right. And I would say that all of the positive reviews feel like they are from the actual snowman killer. Um...

And I'll start with this one from Linda Margolette. She writes, Norway in winter, through steely blue filtered light, the quietness, the indifferent planet, all so well choreographed around the pulse of bloodless murders. I was enthralled. Five stars. I'm telling you, Mary Oliver may have left us, but Linda, whoever that is...

Linda Manigault. Yes. Is that like a Norwegian person? I mean, it feels like it. I mean, that was better writing than the letters the snowman left. I hope that woman took four or five days thinking like, what can I write? And then came out with that. This one is from David May. Theresa May's husband? Yes. This one is... I think my wife's so consumed with Brexit, I'm just here watching movies.

And boy, did I find a good one. Fassbender, you did it again. I thought you blew it with Assassin's Creed, but you're back in action. So David May simply writes this. Most excellent book, five stars. And it's not from the book one. It is from the movie. So he went on the Prime video, so he was not confused. This one...

All right. I'll just read this. Okay. This is great. This is from RH, and it is written like this. This is a movie you should watch two to three times to get, in quotes, the nuance. Hard pass. Yeah. Yeah.

RH is a moron. It makes you pay attention and has a slow build and such. I liked it much compared to most of today's blah movies that need no attention. This was great. Okay, sure.

two to three times is probably not the, like, yeah, that's not the goal. It's like, oh, that was a great murder mystery. The third time, I really got it. Totally. Also, just like, trust yourself. If you didn't get a movie, maybe it's the movie's fault. Well, the thing, the thing

The thing about movies like this is the enjoyment as the audience of trying to piece the mystery together beforehand or trying to piece the mystery, trying to feel like you have the pieces from which the story can be understood if you can just piece them together. And this movie doesn't do that at all.

all and that's deeply frustrating you know so even if you watched it two to three times I don't think you'd have any more enjoyment or clarity you would just know the arbitrary ending that the movie is like oh guess what this guy did it big whoop if you put a knife necklace around my neck I would not watch this movie more than once yeah sucked or whatever that is style oh that if you put an electronic knife necklace around

Which I am sure is what it's called around my neck. I would not watch this more than once. An EKN? Yeah. As the doctors call it. Oh, yeah. This is written by Elle White. Oh, can I ask a question? Sorry. Why was the woman who built the VCR recording devices obviously American? Obviously American. She was the only... She's bringing American tech...

futuristic American tech. She was like, stop, surfers. Here's the deal. She's like, this is what... I was like, I don't understand everybody's American or British in this movie. And she's like, everybody... Is she also supposed to be Norwegian? Sorry, go ahead, Paul. All right, this is written by Elle White. The author of Charlotte's Web? Yes. EB. Oh, right. This is... It's called Betrayal and Betrayed. Get ready.

Didn't care for the killings, but I thought back to Jesus' day where King Herod killed under one-year-old baby boys and how Jesus was... Passover? And how Jesus was betrayed by Judas. Samson and Delilah, they were betrayed too. The snowman betrayed a lot of people. And...

and killing them silently. One man figured it out and who he was and the snowman tried to kill him. But he drowned when he stepped in the thin ice and fell in. Back to the memory of killing an innocent man that went to the cross. Jesus. Five stars. That person... I want it all on a shirt. That person put on a MAGA hat and went out and harassed a Native American yesterday.

That person watched that movie with his kids, tucked them in, and was like, so listen, what we can learn from that. Here's the thing. That person might be the only person who understands this movie. That is, as far as I'm concerned, potentially a valid reading.

It makes just as much sense as anything else. How confounding this movie is, is that that adds up. I'm going to start saying that. What's it about? It's about Passover. It's about Samson and Delilah. It's about Jesus. It's about the passion. It's Old Testament, New Testament. What don't you get? It might be. I'm on board for that. Maybe it's a Christian allegory. I don't know. Nezbo can tell us.

I don't Nesbo. Doing it. After midnight is when my good jokes come out. Yeah. By the way, we haven't read any of these letters yet. Oh, yeah. Well, by the way, oh, here's a couple of facts. They're so dumb. Yes. Well, I mean, yeah, it says, Mr. Police, you could really freeze to death that way. While you were lying there, I was watching Mummy.

By the time you read this, I will have her, I will have built her a picture. By the way, I believe that a snowman wrote that. This is a little bit of for just maybe people who saw the earlier show and this show, but very strange that both of these movies tonight, Harry and Meghan in this one, have written versions of the word mummy in them. That is, and that the lead characters are named Harry. Yes. What does that say? That's,

By the way, that's the connection. That's how deep these shows roll. Yes! Prince Harry is Harry Hole. So Meghan Markle is the snowman killer. Did you laugh so hard when they revealed that? No, I never laughed hard.

When they revealed the medicine label and it just said Harry Hole and I was just like on the fucking floor. It worked every single time. Every time you saw Harry Hole. I mean, here it is right here. It's not Hole Coffee. It's Harry Hole. How about when... I truly feel...

But that's how it works in Norway. How about when the police library is dead silent, Harry Hole's phone rings, Rebecca Ferguson, everybody looks around like, I don't know. Rebecca Ferguson answers it and they're like, Harry Hole? And she's like, well, this is his phone. And they're like, oh, well, is he there? No, but I can take a message. Okay, let me give you...

Confidential police information. Case numbers. Person who picked up the phone that was ringing. So this is in relation to case number, whatever. Here's the... Let me give you the address where this phone is being... What?

That can't be right. It's Norway. They got back to their ping pong games at the police department. That's right. Bigger things. This movie came out in 2017, October 20th. It got an 8% on Rotten Tomatoes. Oof. The budget was $35 million. The opening weekend was three. It made in the United States $6 million. But worldwide gross, $43 million.

Norway went again and again and again. The entire population showed up ten times for this movie. I mean, after P&A, that's gotta be a lot. I saw the $35 million. Oh, yeah, that's a movie. Oh, and it's got movie stars in it. It's beautifully shot. It's big. It feels like a big movie. There's snowman heads on people. There's people heads.

on snowmen. Just like, just the number of times they had to build a dummy that looked like half of a famous actor's head. I love a centaur story. I really like that. It came in 140 out of all the movies made in 2017. It was beaten by films that we've done in this podcast, Fate of the Furious, Return of Xander Cage, Valerian in the City of a Thousand Planets. I loved Valerian. Oh, it's one of the most visually interesting movies. Geostorm!

And the disaster artist. Those are all the ones that it beat. And here's the taglines, which are great. Soon, the first snow will come, and then he will kill again. But to your point... Wait a second. He only kills when it snows. Grammatically, you're saying that the snow comes and kills.

Soon, the first snow will come, and then he will kill again. It is only interesting that the serial killer kills every snow if you live in Aruba. Yes. Do you know what I mean? Like, to live in Norway and be like, he kills every time it snows, it's like, well, then we can't sleep. And by the way...

It didn't feel to me like, because it was snowy all the time, that that was any different. It wasn't like, oh, it's snowing. I'm nervous. It's like, oh, it just seems like that's the weather. Yeah, that's what we do. Then the second tagline was, soon the first snow will fall and then the hunt for a killer begins. Jesus. That's a confusing one. Here's the thing. Because that's like, oh, well, didn't you just tell me the other way was...

If you can't come up with a tagline, don't put the movie out. And the final tagline is, Mr. Police, you could have saved her. I gave you all the clues. And that's why no one in America saw it, because everyone saw that and was like, what the fuck are these shenanigans? Literally a better tagline for that movie just would have been like, you ready? Like anything would...

Anything would have been better. How about this? Snowman. It's a movie? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's happening? How about just a snowman, that image, and go like, I killed her. That would have been like, whoa, what's that? If you wanted to make it scary or I did it, just I did it. Totally. What about Detective Harry Hole Bones Another One? Dry Hump, the movie. Yep.

How about like Norway, Norway, where serial killers win. In Norway, ineffective police, killers foiled by ice. Norway, ice one, police zero, killer, killer seven. What is this? This is a terrible movie.

So, in talking about this movie, it's one of those rare movies that I feel like we could still continue to talk about, but I'm going to just ask, Jason, would you recommend this movie? Paul, no! No!

I don't know how to more emphatically say no. People shouldn't watch this movie. It's not good. And it's two hours long. It is unsatisfying, unsuccessful, infuriating. And I wrote so many times, what is this? What's going on? Where's Val Kilmer?

Why? Who is doing Val Kilmer's voice? Nothing made sense. It's awful. Really, I implore you, don't watch this movie. If someone has an electric knife necklace around your neck, let them murder you before you watch this.

Brian. It really made me hate art. Like, it really made me think, it really made me think, like, I'm not, I'm no longer interested in Kieslowski and going to see Cold War at the Arclight. I'm done. I'm done.

I've had it. It really, it was so boring and it was so stupid and it was beautiful, but it really just made me think like, you know what? You know what? I'm so proud that Scandinavia has all of their social issues figured the fuck out. Keep it there. I don't want anything to do with your Nordic bullshit.

I'm not going to fall in line with this peer pressure. Wow. I am going to say it's, to me, this is the most fascinating type of movie when it's $35 million produced by Martin Scorsese, edited by the editor of Raging Bull, with Michael Fassbender, all these amazing people. Rebecca Ferguson is awesome. And then you get this.

And that to me sometimes is like this, that movie Green Lantern, it's like let's sit down, let's look at this and go no one raised their hand at any point. You're right in that sense. It's crazy. This is on par with a movie that your friend is like I made this movie, you should come watch it.

And you're like, I didn't know you made movies. I thought you repaired refrigerators. But it's always my dream to make a movie. You're right. Everyone involved in this movie is a master at what they do. And it's like, and I think what I think is amazing about it is even when you're really good, you can take a hot juice and fucking...

Shit, you're right. It's like, yes, don't feel so bad. These guys, they fucked it up. Martin Scorsese is like, he's a fucking film expert.

fucked up. He couldn't even figure out how to make a fucking thing make sense from A to B to C. I would love to see the documentary about how this went off the rails more than the movie itself. Absolutely. If that makes sense. I would have just paid to watch Martin Scorsese giving notes on the first pass. You know what would be a...

You know what would be a better movie? It's a two-hour filmed interview where somebody just says to Michael Fassbender, what happened? And he doesn't stop talking for two hours. But don't you also feel like this is a movie where Michael Fassbender is like, no, it's my best work.

Oh, for sure, because Michael Fassbender, if you were to be like, what are your top films that you've made? He'd be like, oh, God, it's hard to choose. Prometheus, Macbeth, Assassin's Creed, this. The list goes on and on. And it's a list of the worst movies. I'm dangerously close to thinking he's a terrible actor. I know. But by the way, let's look through the list. Because of these choices. I know, the worst choices. Well, let's look at this.

Michael Fassbender clearly is on track to be like the biggest franchise. He's Sam Jackson-ing it. Like every movie that he's doing, like Alien was like, okay, that's going to be fucking giant shows. You're right. Franchise. This could be franchise. Franchise. Franchise. Like Assassin's Creed. Franchise. He's only picking franchise movies. Super Mario Brothers. None of them work.

But isn't that kind of crazy? Because you think of him as like Michael Fassbender. He's going to be like, but no. Put him in a Fast and the Furious and then they'll stop making them. By the way, I know you're saying that as a joke, but I am begging the people to put Michael Fassbender in the Fast and Furious movie. Yeah, because then they can say Fassbender in the Furious. I love it.

in the art department on this movie mainlining mescaline printing out this label over and over again. Hairy hole on my tiny picture. Also, it is absolutely unacceptable that it was just like whatever drugs Like you're Hunter S. Thompson. How are you going to get through this? Development.

It is inexcusable that no one knew the name of the lead character until it was too late. That's on you. I'm going to say this. That's on you. You did this to us. I know you helped us and told us stuff, but also you did this to us. Oh, but you know what? Here's a good reason to watch this movie. So I was watching this at home with my husband and dog bragging. Oh my gosh.

I said, guess what this detective's name is. And then he guessed Harry. And then I was like, but guess the last 40 minutes later, he was having the time of his life. What do you guys got going on? Tell us what you guys have going on. Well, we do the podcast. We do The Ring Shade every week. I'm on this season of, you don't watch it, but I'm on this season of 9-1-1 on Fox. If you do watch it. Whoa. So you can watch that.

Are you an operator? I play, I am the 911 call center boss. So I just, it's so crazy that I'm on a drive. All I do is I go like, she's where? We'll be right there. We're sending someone now. That's like. That was really good. No, that's all. And I'm just like. I love that. Okay. Just stay on the phone. And so a 911 call center is part of a police department. So does it look like a classy library? It does. It does.

Pool tables, ping pongs, globes, you know, the works. When the phone rings, do you guys all freak out? Yeah, the phone rings and I'm like, God damn it! I love that you're on 9-1-1. Gunther, are you going to answer that? That's exciting. Yeah, it's a fun show. Who do you get to interact with? It's mostly me and Jennifer Love Hewitt who work in the call center. JLH. I love this. This is great. Does she whisper to ghosts?

She does not. I mostly just like walk by her and I'm like, good job. The majority of it take place in the call center? No, it's one of those shows that has like five storylines. Okay. So our storyline is in the call center, but like Angela Bassett's the chief of police. Oh, okay. And then Peter Krause is like a fireman. And so it follows all these stories, which is great for an actor because you only shoot your story. Yeah. Is Connie Britton still in it? She is not. Okay. Okay.

Paul's not interested. No, I don't know anything. I put it on the first season. Paul's like, no, there's no story there. I'll watch Dirty John then. There's no story there. I think she just did it for a year, yeah. It felt like, what if I was like, she's not a guest here. There was a falling out and she is, no. What if we tuned in and you were dressed like Connie Britton?

In the show. She's not. Yeah. No, she was only on it for the first year or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nothing weird there. But Bonnie Kitten is. Yeah. She's got wavy black hair. She's the evil genie. This is her Chris Gaines? That's right. Like, this is her Garth Brooks. That's right. The whole show is about a 911 operator who gets in disguises for being on the phone. She comes in and they're all in.

She goes all in. I found this actress. She's like, 911, what's your emergency? Just like Chris Gaines. Yes. Classic Chris Gaines. Classic Chris Gaines. Really, the show's about Garth Brooks at the end of the day. Aren't they all? Every show is. Isn't every show now about Garth Brooks? I was watching Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, and I thought, if this isn't the album Shameless by Garth Brooks...

I don't know what is. Just like, especially those Catskills episodes. Oh my God. I'll tell you. And all the hats. Thanks again, Amy Sherman Palladino for drowning us in hats. Garth loves a hat too. They really, they have more in common than you think. Are they the same person? Garth Brooks wrote every episode of Gilmore Girls. This is amazing. Of Gilmore Girls, yeah. Oh.

Erin, what do you got going on? I wrote a book called Feminasty and it's still out. Thanks. Yeah. Complicated Woman's Guide to Surviving the Patriarchy Without Drinking Yourself to Death. You can get it on hardback. It's not out on softback yet. So it's on Amazon right now. Softback. Amazon right now. If I wanted to go to Amazon right now and look up Erin Gibson. You would just go right to my book. Boom. By the way.

You all missed out because my aunt wrote a really scathing review of my podcast. What? Yes. I don't know if we can put this in the podcast, Rob. Dee Dee? No, my Aunt Denise. And guess what? Dumb bitch. Her user... Aunt Denise. Could she be any other way? I was like, who wrote this review? And the username said...

I was like, your name is your username? She was like, here's what she was mad about. Because I call myself an Irish Catholic street rat in it. And she was like, we're not Irish. We're Welsh. And I was like, okay. That was 17 paragraphs. And the best part about it was at the end, someone had written, some stranger wrote, calm down, dude. My only one-star review. Check it out. Well, off the top of my head.

I'm so proud of that. That's amazing. And sometimes we give away codes, you know, to do Audible and stuff, and you did your own book reading, right? Yeah, it's all me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you can get it on the Audible. So get it on an audio book, and you can hear you reading the book to me as I sit alone in bed at night. Yeah. Screaming at you. Cool. Jason. What? What do you got? The Long Dumb Road is available on all streaming platforms. Woo!

Please rent and or buy it. I would love it if you did. I don't know when this is coming out, but watch The Good Place or watch Nailed It or any of that fun stuff. Yeah, those are all great shows that I eventually pop up on sometimes. I will say definitely check out

Our friends show Andrew Savage does a show called I'm Sorry on TruTV. I'm on that and Jason, you're on that a little bit and June's on that. Super great. Grace and Frankie, new seasons out and Black Monday right now is on Showtime airing Sundays at 10 o'clock. So definitely check those out. Those are my plugs.

Thank you all for coming. A big thank you to Avril Halle for combing through all that footage, finding all that trailer stuff. Amazing, amazing. Nick Kiley with the research. July up in the booth. Cody, who helped produce the show. Kelly Alto. Everybody who's come out here tonight. Brian and Aaron and their amazing podcast, Throwing Shade. Definitely listen to that. And thank you to all, for all of you. This is a big, long show. So thank you. Good night. Thank you.

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