Re-Release: Anaconda LIVE! (w/ Michael Ian Black)
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Happy New Year, people of Earth. This week, we are taking a holiday break. Yeah, we deserve it. From Last Looks, and we are instead re-releasing a How Did This Get Made classic episode. It's a real New Year's Eve film, you know, about a giant snake. Yeah, that's right. We are re-releasing Anaconda, but you know that because you already hit play. Now, even though there's no Last Looks, I want to make sure you still prep for our next movie. So next week, we will be diving into the 2022 action fantasy film, The Last Looks.

The King's Daughter, starring Pierce Brosnan. This movie is weird. The King's Daughter was actually filmed in 2014 and shelved...

for almost seven years before it was released. The movie has about a 21% score on Rotten Tomatoes, and Claudia Pugue of KPCC Los Angeles writes, a very colorful French bonbon with no substance, and it might just give you indigestion. You can stream The King's Daughter for free on Freebie, or you can rent it on Apple TV, Amazon, YouTube, or Google Play. Also, if you have any corrections and omissions from our last episode on Dungeons & Dragons, don't worry, because we will cover both Dungeons & Dragons and...

and the King's Daughter in our next Last Looks episode. You can still submit corrections and omissions on our Discord at discord.gg slash hdtgm or leave us a voicemail by calling 619-Paul-Ask. And remember, London, Belfast, Ireland, and Glasgow, we're coming for you in March. Go to hdtgm.com to find out more as well as our other live dates in Los Angeles and around the country. All right, without any further ado, here is...

Few movies can say they have monkey guts, French John Voight, and a 40-foot long fucking snake. This movie is one of them. We saw Anaconda, so you know what that means. Now it's time for the How to Disco Reef. You're gonna have a good time celebrating your media. Did you know you won the How to Disco Reef? The mediocrity looks so far.

♪ Perhaps we'll find the answer to the question ♪ ♪ How did this get made ♪ - Hello people of Brooklyn! We are live here at the Bell House. I am Paul Scheer and I am joined as always by my two co-hosts. Please welcome June Diane Raphael and Jason Manzoukas! We have a very-- - Screw you, Brooklyn!

We have a very special guest today, joining us to talk about Anaconda, the hilariously funny Michael Ian Black! Careful. You okay, baby? Yeah, I'd just like to make an entrance. For my people, the people of Brooklyn, New York, where I live. You are from Connecticut, correct? I was speaking very loosely when I said I live in Brooklyn. Very loosely.

Well, the year was 1997 and a little snake came out of the theater, Anaconda. I've never seen this movie until right before this show. Holy shit. It's pretty fucking fantastic. Yeah. And by fantastic, I mean this fucking movie is horrible. They basically want you to go take everything you know about snakes, forget that, and replace it with a bunch of bullshit about snakes.

Keep to that. That's what we're doing. First of all, everything was totally accurate. No, I am a-- Now you're a snake scientist, am I right? I am a herptologist. So I know-- A what? Herptologist. So that's somebody who studies herpes? Yes. Boom! Nailed it. Boom! Boom!

I'm exhausted just from doing that. - They make, in the beginning of the movie, there's a crawl that says, "These snakes exist, they grow to be 40 feet," and then they say, and once in a while, they throw up the thing that they eat

so that they can eat it again. Yes. And that's the line. It's like they just made that up because anacondas don't kill people. I did that kind of research before the show. I wanted to make sure I was bringing... Also, by that logic, you would assume that you could actually survive an anaconda attack. Well, no, the acid, the stomach acid. Oh, that's what kills you. I would imagine. I didn't do that much research. I mean, if you are being... I mean, I think the reality is you could be alive in the anaconda's stomach as it slowly digests you. Well...

- Well, because Jon Voight came out of that scene. - Wait, spoiler alert! Spoiler alert! - Sorry. - Spoiler alert! Do not wreck the ending. - Sorry. - What are you doing? - Forget what you just heard. Jon Voight may make it through the movie. - Did anybody else, and this is also vaguely spoilery, spend the entire movie waiting for Jon Voight to drop the accent and be like, "My real name's Mike Smith."

I'm from Chicago. I've been impersonating this other guy to make you guys trust me, even though I'm the least trustworthy person in America. Everybody knows that, especially Angelina Jolie, my daughter. He never does. Spoilers. He never does. He's supposed to be foreign. By the way, his accent is the best thing about this dude. Doesn't he say he's from Uruguay or something? He's a French Robert De Niro, because he's got that, like...

He's always like, he's got this permanent, like, I'm a French guy, I'm a French guy. Is he French, though? He's talking French to me? No, he's South American. He's South American? Okay, I thought he was French. He says he's from Uruguay or something. Yeah, Uruguay by way of New Orleans. Yeah, except that Marcel, who's the Marcel? What's the guy's name who's the boat captain? Mateo. Mateo. Mateo, who I'm assuming was also South American, says maired at one point, which is shit in French. Yeah.

I thought he was playing French. I was like, what the fuck is happening? Who are these people? Where are they from? Matteo, by the way, looks like a cast member of that Showtime show, Gigolos.

I have terrible news. The actor who played Mateo is a cast member of the TV show Jiggaless. Mateo, and this is also a spoiler alert, spends the film glistening. I do want to talk about this opening. The opening of the movie has, the same way Scream has Drew Barrymore get killed at the beginning, there's a kill, but it's not a main character. And the person to kill is Danny Trejo.

But he was dubbed, right? 'Cause Danny Trejo, that was not Danny Trejo's voice.

Because it was like a light... Does he say anything? He's like, oh, oh, oh. But Danny Trejo does not have that like... You think they dubbed oh, oh, oh? No, Jason, absolutely. His voice is five octaves higher than Danny Trejo. And we met Danny Trejo on this show. His voice is deep. Well, what people don't know about Danny Trejo is he's also a castrato.

- Oh, he's not true. - I didn't know that. - Not spreading, that is an apocryphal story. - So, you know-- - Oh, we also learned though, oh well, whatever, I don't fucking care. - I wanna know what we learned, what did we learn? - I was gonna say what we learned later when Danny Trejo is killed. - Yeah. - I was gonna jump ahead, but I think you were setting up the movie, so I was gonna let you set up the movie, but we'll get to it later. But that Danny Trejo, Mateo, and Jon Voight are all bros from back before.

Because in his solo weird place that the snake kills him, Trejo has pinned up a newsprint clipping of the three of them together. He's like, oh man, remember when I was in the newspaper? In a shack filled with my own feces. Technically not a spoiler because they do pan across that newspaper thing in the beginning. So you can kind of see, oh, these guys are into bad business.

Until now, I didn't realize the third guy in that picture was Mateo. I didn't know that either. It was. Guys, how did you even like the movie then?

Wait, so you're telling me that Mateo was in on the whole thing? No, no, no. Not in on the whole thing. But when John Voight comes on board, oh wait, maybe Mateo is in on the whole thing. Of course he is! I knew that John Voight and Mateo were in it together. No! Because when he gets on board, when he gets on board, Mateo's like...

Although I think we both are terrible people. I thought, what I thought was happening, this is a classic how did this get made logic argument. It's a sleep away camp all over again. I thought when they picked up John Voight, Mateo knew him, but just they didn't have a pre-existing... That's what I thought. He knew him from around town. And then the newsprint thing, I was like, oh, he definitely knows him, but I never made the connection. This is all part of a larger plan. Yeah. But what's the fucking plan? To...

The plan is to capture a snake. But Mateo has a boat. So why can't they use Mateo's... Why do they need the people? Right, why do they need these extra people to go upriver? They're going to sell the camera equipment to buy stuff? No. Like, is it just human bait? No. Maybe. He killed a monkey for bait. Yeah. That's true. The jungle has nothing but monkey bait. Guys, when the snake threw up the monkey... I wrote this down. Monkey vomit. But it doesn't just, like...

It's like, and the monkey's like, and hits somebody in the face. It's like one of those monkeys that you get at a novelty shop where you pull back their arms and you can shoot them. It flies out at that force. And at first it's like, what did he throw up? Because it looks like a little baby. And then he just realized it's a little hairy monkey. It's a fucking monkey. You guys, John Voight and Mateo must have wanted to film the capturing of an anaconda. There's no other reason. There's no other reason.

Do you think at some point they were like, we want to do this movie, Jon Voight's in, and Jon Voight was like, you know what? I will only do it if I can play a South American character. By the way, he killed it. I think he killed it. I'm sorry. You are wrong. He did not kill it.

He was literally horrible. I thought he was pretty good. Let's have, let's let, let's let. That might be the first literally of the night. If you're playing the how did this get made drinking game, drink when I say literally. I will, I will just, I will set up the movie and then you can be the judge of whether or not a John Voight kills it. Um,

So the movie is actually, I find it very good because it lets you know, like the characters let you know their profession a lot and their names. So it's like, hey Barry, oh I'm the DP. And they basically, it's like, well I'm the cameraman, well I'm the producer. Like they just, they meet, it's about a documentary film crew, Jennifer Lopez, this is her big chance to be a great documentary filmmaker.

Ice Cube is her cameraman, who when we first meet him is looking through a lens. - Wait a second. - But he's using a video camera the rest of the movie. - Can I say the most insane thing? Which is that Cube's first line, right? Anybody go. It's gonna be a good day, which is an Ice Cube lyric. - Which was amazing. - I kept at some point B waiting for him to use an AK. - Well that's why he didn't bring the AK. - 'Cause it was a good day. He didn't even need to use his AK. - He didn't need to use it.

I just about shit my pants when that happened. I was excited for that. I was like, that? And there was another one, too. What's the other song lyric in this? Somebody? Anybody? Welcome to the jungle? Yes!

Yes. No, that's what it is. No. Yes, Owen Wilson, you know where you are? You're in the middle of the jungle. Well, that's pretty good. That's not close. That's pretty much... For a movie that thinks it's the jungle. I think you're reading into it. No. You're reading into it, Jason. That's pretty close. If he had said, you're in the jungle, baby, then we could have gone like, all right. It's so crazy that they spend so much time introducing these characters when there's no...

There are no cuts in this movie to other locations or places. There's no way we could get confused. They all stay together on a giant raft the whole time. In a way, I almost feel like this documentary crew is too big because Eric... What's his name? Schultz. Eric Stoltz. Thank you. The original Marty McFly. Eric Stoltz is in this movie. Yeah.

Sort of. Eric Stoltz is kind of like, he's kind of the guy who's doing the research, but then they got a guy in the front of the camera who's like the face. Whenever is there a nature documentary where the British guy who does the voiceover is in front of the camera?

I don't, I feel like I never see that. Richard Ambrose, is he in the middle of the shot being like, the giant snake finds its way. No! Did not do that. So they're basically on a houseboat going down the river to make a documentary about a tribe that doesn't exist. They bump into John Voight. That's about all the plot you need to know until the fact that a giant snake comes into it. Should we just, just to kind of let you guys see what John Voight does in this movie. Um,

This is a scene that I think kind of sums up Jon Voight here. Guys, try not to jerk off during this, because it's pretty fucking sexy. All right, here we go. What the hell is this? Anaconda skin. Is snakes out there this big? This skin is three or four years old. Whatever shed it has grown since then. But something like this has made a meal. What about it, Captain? What? Snakes don't eat people. Oh, they don't?

Anacondas are a perfect killing machine. They have heat sensors. A warm body like Mateo's in the water. Wasn't hard to find. All hands. They strike, wrap around you, hold you tighter than your true love, and you get the privilege of hearing your bones break before the power of the embrace causes your veins to explode. Explode. He definitely just said explode. E-S-S-plode. Explode.

He's half Puerto Rican. I mean, that part doesn't come out until the sequel, but he was half Puerto Rican. There are three sequels to this movie. Two of them are TV movies. Here's what you don't understand about his performance. He's actually a crazy person in the movie, but who's also, as that character, leaning into his craziness. Leaning into expressing his craziness. And I know you want to pull him back. I ask you not to. I do. I want to rein in the void. See?

I think that's an amazing performance. He killed it. Do you guys think he killed it? Do you guys think he didn't kill it? About 50-50. That's the kind of debate that this movie can engender. You guys are idiots.

The snake, by the way, if you're familiar with the Universal Studios tour, looks less realistic than that giant jaws that jumps out at your tram. Like it looks, it looks fake. Like it looks cheap and fake. Strongly disagree. I like that everything is basically like a comment section of a blog post.

- Well, strongly disagree. - First. - Best snake ever. - Paul, if you ever spent any time on the Amazon, and if you'd ever actually come across the anaconda, you would know that they sometimes look animatronic as a way to lure unsuspecting hipsters into a false sense of irony.

And that's when they strike. - They're gonna try to get their picture with it or something. - Right. Now, Michael Ian Black, do they also make those noises that the snake made in the movie? - Yes. - Do they at certain points say, "Whee!" - Oh my God, that was terrifying. - I would not have been surprised if that snake at the end of the movie was like, "Hee-choo, man!" Like, it was building to the snake talking. I felt that he made so much noise.

That he was going to talk. It's Parseltongue. You guys know Parseltongue, right? Yes, of course. Harry Potter would have known what was happening. They should have got Harry Potter on that boat. Oh, what's the snake's name? Nagini? Nagini was in this movie. That's a deep Harry Potter reference. Busted.

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What I like about this movie too is they did not run out of shots of the boat driving on the river. I would say... What if they had to establish, just in case you forgot, they're still on this same boat on this same river?

I would argue that it might be the same shot all 35 times. Well, what I think is, I think they cut together the movie. The movie was 45 minutes long. And they were like, aye, aye, aye, what are we going to do? They just said, put in a bunch of footage of the boat just on the river. More boat footage and more just Jon Voight leering at people. Oh, my God. Like, they just cut to him like, eh.

Why would you ever trust this guy? He never came on as a genial, happy fella. Guys, Owen Wilson is in this movie. I mean, we're like 20 minutes in, have not talked about the fact that Owen Wilson is in this movie. He is billed a lot of the times in the reviews I read as comic relief. I see that element of his performance. Strongly disagree. Yeah.

Did you like it when I think one of his opening lines is like, "Man, the jungle makes me so horny." - Yes. - Yeah. - That is in fact his opening line. "Is it me or does the jungle make you really horny?"

And then she's like, come on, I'm trying to work. No, she then says, it makes me horny. Oh, yeah. No, she says, it's the jungle, I think. Oh, okay. But she's basically saying, yeah, I want to fight. By the way, who we're talking about is Carrie Wuer from Old School Remote Control and Beastmaster. So she is just no reason. Well, what was her role in the crew? She was the UPM, like the line producer, right? No, Owen Wilson was sound. Because she said at one point, she's like, oh, I got to produce this. Well,

- But here's the thing, but she does go to get wild sound in the middle of the night. - Well, with Owen Wilson, and they talk throughout the entire time of getting wild sound. - Also, guys, keep in mind, she did make a pretty nice salad. - I don't remember that. - Remember that? - I don't remember that. - She goes, at one point, she goes, "I made a salad." And produces a kitchen-grade, like a beautiful, big salad.

way you had all that there's no you're on like a death trap in the middle of the river there's no way you made that salad it is the most low budge documentary like and they're finding the the people that was called like the tribe of the mist it was like it was so well not well thought out um the first killing uh in real time happens in 44 minutes in when uh mateo

Poor Mateo. Poor sweet, glistening Mateo. Beautiful, beautiful, dumb Mateo.

Mateo gets killed or disappears. Like, they're all within 20 feet of each other. And they all can see each other. And Mateo disappears. And they just assume he's lost. No one wants to admit that he was killed by this giant snake, which we've all seen at this point. Well, but they haven't seen it. They haven't seen the Wakanda. Didn't they know it exists, though, at that point? Yeah, no, he's been telling them about it. But they don't really believe that the snake exists. They're like, oh, Mateo, it's like, oh, he went out to go get something. He's probably at the store.

No, chances are if he didn't see him anymore, he's dead. But no one admits that Matteo is dead. Jon Voight, I feel like, pretty quickly sizes up the situation. Well, yes. Well, he knows. He was in on it, apparently. Well, I don't think he wanted to go to die. You know he's making his, he's filling his crossbow arrows full of reptile tranquilizer. Well, wait, Jason, how did you know it was reptile tranquilizer? Well, Michael, I knew it was reptile tranquilizer because it was written in enormous letters on the clear glass bottle that he was taking it from. Ah.

- Okay, now what's the difference between reptile tranquilizers and regular tranquilizers? - Hey, don't ask so many questions! It tranquilizes the cold-blooded animals. - There is literally a line at one point in this movie, like, "Well, what are we doing again? "We're going down this river, "and we are gonna find this thing." They literally check in with a line just to reset the plot.

Owen, they're like, we gotta get out of here, blah, blah, blah. And John Voight's like, no, we're going after the snake. And Owen Wilson is like, yeah, guys, we gotta go after the snake because we gotta stick with him, blah, blah, blah. And the entire time Owen Wilson is making this big speech, John Voight is just loading guns behind him. He loads like three separate weapons in the background, just like... Now, meanwhile, John Voight didn't come on the boat with these weapons. He jumped on the boat from another boat, tackling Owen Wilson somehow...

Owen Wilson got on top in that situation, even though John Voight jumped on him. But he came weaponless, without any gear. Wait, you guys, Mateo could not have been a part of it. Did anybody else? Mateo could not have been a part of the master plan. Because they changed direction and they changed course after Mateo died. Well, that's what John... If Mateo was alive, they would have changed course. I think, now that I think about it...

I think the plan was Mateo was gonna get Jon Voight and then they together were gonna go to Danny Trejo. Because the three of them are bros from the newspaper.

And they had planned, well, basically, like, John Voight kind of lures Owen Wilson in. He's like, we're going to capture the snake. You'll be a millionaire. But they never seem to have, like, a plan on, like, they run into the snake a ton of times. There's never really a trap until the end. But it seems like there's never a trap set. Well, I think the master plan was to get there.

Oh, really? To get to that abandoned warehouse? Yeah. Wait, to get to Trejo's warehouse or the big abandoned warehouse? Big warehouse at the end. Oh, all right. Did anybody else notice? Let me ask you this. Mateo, we're unclear where Mateo is from, right? But let's assume that you're going to call someone chief in Spanish. What do you call them? Jefe, right? Does anybody know what Mateo calls everybody who he calls chief in this movie? Jefe. Jefe.

I thought about this. You did? I thought about it. What did you come up with? I was founded by this. Matteo, and he's only really calling it to Eric Stoltz. He's calling Eric Stoltz Jeffay. And in my mind, it's because Eric Stoltz is a stupid janky, and so he's mocking him by calling him Jeffay. I like that. I think it was a character choice. Ooh, I like that.

They do treat Matteo pretty bad. Like, J-Lo first meets Matteo and she's like, "Do you understand me?" And he's like, "Yeah." Matteo has no problem with the English language.

That we have seen. He was never like, don't undo it. He was crystal clear, ready to go. So I think maybe he wasn't on it to teach Yankees a lesson. For a documentary filmmaker, J-Lo actively does not want to shoot real life moments that are happening in front of her. And when they do shoot, they're getting a lot of people in the shot. They're shooting a movie. Oh, yes. And Cube is moving the camera a lot.

He's like, "Left, right, left." It's like paranormal activity. It's like... -Like, it is-- The footage would be useless. -And by the way, it's a video camera. It is an old-school, like, 1997, I-bought-it-at-Best-Buy video camera. -Like, if you cut back to-- -You're saying that-- I'm sorry, I have to disagree here.

There's clearly a shot. Now, I don't know if he switched cameras. I don't know what the fuck happened. Maybe he had a video camera at one point, but there's clearly a shot where he's wading through the river and he's got film canisters on the back of that camera. I noted that. Because I'm in the business. Most filmmakers wear film canisters like people wear bullets.

in case they run out and they quickly have to throw another reel of film in here. No, it's in the camera. It's a film camera. All right, all right. Fuck you! There's a lot of things to criticize this movie about. His choice of camera isn't one of them. I would love it. I would love it if there was an extra feature on this DVD which was the footage that Ice Cube shot. LAUGHTER

If you could just watch that, it would be like way crazier than Blair Witch. It would be like, just like... Is it crazy to say... It's crazy that... I was going to say when you watch his footage, it's actually, are we there yet? Boom! Taking Ice Cube to task. Put him on the, how did this get made grudgeless? Um...

The snake is attacking at certain points, and Ice Cube never runs for that camera. I would say that when the snake is attacking that boat, the camera is the last priority for Ice Cube. This documentary is not about the anaconda, Paul. It's about the people of the mist. People of the mist.

So he does not want to get this action-packed footage. At one point, Jon Voight's like, don't you want to get a camera and get this? And he's like, she's like, oh yeah, yeah, get that camera. Ice Cube also tries to attack. He gets up like a guy in a bar trying to fight the snake with a little knife. He's like, hey man, stab you with my little baby knife. And the snake quickly knocks it out of his hand. Sends his penknife overboard. I wrote down this. I don't know if this is even worth talking about. We haven't talked about the snake cam.

Like the snake POV. Yeah. Which was almost at times inseparable from wide shots. So there would be like a point of view camera of the snake. But it would tilt. It would get to a Dutch angle. And then there would just be a wide shot of the river and the boat. And I'd be like, is this the snake too? And then there's also inside the snake cam. Yeah. Yeah.

I have that. I have that. We should explain how we get to that. Well, yeah. I mean, we can show it at the end. I mean, because it's kind of a big spoiler. But basically, I mean. Which June has already spoiled. We'll get to it. Because I don't want to miss out on some great moments. Well, basically now, they're getting the vibe that Jon Voight is not so cool. Why? Because he's. Well, he's turning into a snake. Oh.

He literally is. I wrote that down. He is a snake. He's turning into a snake. Here is my proof of that with this scene. Another great John Voight classic scene where you're going to continue to believe that he killed it. This is after Owen Wilson is killed and we see Owen Wilson's body inside the snake's body. And this is Carrie Whir comes to confront John Voight. Here we go. Aren't you going to pray?

Never look in the eyes of those you kill. They will haunt you forever. I know. He seems very loosely tied. He is a man tied to a pole who jumps straight up into the air and wraps his legs around another human being's body. I'm impressed.

Voight got hops. What is he saying to her at the end? Praying for her. You guys know it. I love this. This is the smartest crowd that we've ever had. You guys don't have to be fucking smug about it. Hey, he's praying. Duh. He's a priest, asshole. Fuck you guys. I hate this show. Goodbye.

Once they finally get rid of Jon Voight, they shoot him with one of the reptile tranquilizers, and he falls in the water, and then there's the most poorly added ADR line, where it's just like Ice Cube off camera. He's like, damn, the dart just fell out of his back. Just in case anyone had... Because he's going to come back, of course. Because in my mind, I was like, oh boy, where'd that dart go? I'm thinking what everybody's thinking.

damn that dart came out of his back it's the best line um man there's oh the other thing I thought at a certain point was because of what the movie is going up a boat in search of something hopeless blah blah blah I felt like John Voight was doing Brando in Apocalypse Now

Like, weird. Because he was really kind of like, he got a little bit like this. He was Marlon De Niro in this. Yeah, I felt like he was giving us a little bit of Brando Apocalypse now. Also, his hair is insane. Yeah.

Do you think it, Michael, do you think it was a choice to make John Voight look snake-like? Because I was watching that clip and I believe that his skin looks a little bit more snakey. The thing that you have to understand about Anaconda, Paul, is not...

that the anaconda is the snake. Right. And it's not that John Voight is the snake. Got it. We are all the snake. Oh, shit. There's a little bit of anaconda in all of us. And when you travel down that long river, when you shed your skin, Paul...

Your anaconda will be revealed. Hey, Michael. Yeah. Can I ask you a question? Please. Is it true about the anaconda that my anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hon? Also, baby got back? I can't tell if you're being rhetorical now or not. Because I can answer that question for you. I would love an answer. Yes. It was rhetorical.

We haven't really gotten into Jennifer Lopez at all. Did you find, June, did you find that Jennifer Lopez was a strong female leader in this film? I thought it was interesting that they didn't, they basically had one of their leads asleep the entire movie.

Eric Stoltz is asleep. Yeah, so a lot fell on her shoulders, I think unfairly. I actually thought during the movie... Well, it wasn't like that happened by accident. No, but I had the thought during the movie, I think they must have, right before they started filming, had some major scheduling problems with Eric Stoltz. Like, he couldn't be there for, like, most of the movie. He was filming Mask 2. Right. What? Which was sadly never released. But also shot by Ice Cube, so weird. Yeah.

The point was that J. Lo was an emerging star and Eric Stoltz really hadn't done that much. Nobody wanted to see Eric Stoltz. We wanted to see J. Lo. We wanted to see her emerge. What was weird is that they established a love story for them and then he just went away. Well,

I thought that was really bizarre. The way he goes away is he goes down to fix the propeller of the boat and he swallows some sort of bug that paralyzes him. And they never explain where that bug is. John Voight says he did it, but he doesn't say how he did it. How do you get that bug? I'll tell you how. He stuck the bug in the tube that went into the tank. Thank you.

Thank you. Wait, wait, wait, wait. He stuck it in the scuba tuba. I have a question. Why did all the girls in the audience be like, yes, yes, yes, yes. June is right. So why don't you guys just shut the fuck up and listen to June. That was racist. I want to say...

That I think Jennifer Lopez, of everybody in that movie, acquitted herself the best. I agree. In a no-win situation, she lost as little as anybody possibly could have. She got, I mean, she got her man, right? I mean, because Eric Stoltz does not die. I'm not even saying in story terms. I'm saying in career terms and credibility terms. This blew her up. I mean, this is the movie, this is like Selena, Anaconda, and then boom.

Made in Manhattan eventually. Oh, thank God.

But I mean, this is probably the movie that got her the out-of-sight film. Probably. This is the next one right after it. She's tough in Anaconda, and she's credible. Yes. Because she comes from, as Ice Cube says, the SC, which I had to figure out what that was. Southern California? Santa Cruz? I thought it was Southern California. Oh, yeah, that's what I thought, Southern California. But I had to go through a lot of SCs before I got there. South Carolina. I spent a little bit of time on Santa Claus, which was weird.

I did semester abroad at Santa Claus. But another thing that I don't think is really dwelt on at all in the movie is that Eric Stoltz, while he's awake, is an asshole. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's not a good dude. He's the biggest know-it-all

sanctimonious prick in the world who you feel like just wants to, gave Jennifer Lopez this opportunity just to fuck her. Not that he really has any interest in her as an artist. And he disrespects everybody. He's disrespectful. Well, but Eric Stoltz and J-Lo already, they had had a relationship before this. I thought they were interrelations.

Well, he says, I missed you. I think it's really complicated. They had like a one night stand that may have turned into a two night stand that then they haven't seen each other but now he's excited because she's going to have a big break making this documentary and they're going to get it back on in the Amazon. Yeah. Because just like an anaconda, he also likes big butts. By the way, you don't want the anaconda to come after you? Give it J-Lo because anacondas like big butts. Sir Mix-a-Lot tells us so.

But why put him to sleep the whole movie? I'm genuinely wondering. Because he knows everything. So because he's such a fucking sanctimonious know-it-all, if he's not asleep, everybody would be like, Eric, what should we do? And he'll tell them. Do you think that Eric Stoltz was reading the script and was like, okay, good, here, I'm here, I'm here, I'm here. Oh my God, I think Eric Stoltz was thrilled when he read the script. Eric Stoltz gets to sleep for 70% of this movie. It really is.

He has his comeback. He comes and saves the day. Eric Stoltz has a great...

His character didn't even need to exist. Well, no, they just need more people in that boat so they can keep on killing people. That's why there's three producers and then the host of the thing is different than Eric Stoltz because Eric Stoltz should be the host but it's the British guy who drinks out of a chalice and that's how we know he's drunk. He literally drinks out of a chalice. Maybe they felt like, you know what, we've got Stoltz. Stoltz is in.

He is so powerful and commanding a presence that Jon Voight would never be able to commandeer the boat if Stoltz was there. Because Stoltz would obviously Rambo style just destroy Jon Voight. - I think it was more of a producer in Hollywood going, "We got this movie, it's called Anaconda. "It's gonna be great." And then it's called Everyone in Town and then they're like, "Hey, we got 12 people said yes. "They'll all be in the movie."

You're the cameraman. You're the producer. You're another kind of producer. You're a host. You're the backstage host. You're the director. You're another producer. They just assigned it after they had...

Well, but he has no need to kill him. I mean, I think that would interfere with the plan. If Eric Stoltz dies, then they're going to start the plan. Then there's murder. Then there has been a clear murder, and they would have to look into that. The plan is to capture the anaconda, but the boat that they have is not equipped to even carry... I mean, the anaconda...

We haven't even talked about the anaconda. The anaconda defies all laws. It flies. It moves quicker than anything. It is not... I mean, it's for the weight that it carries. It's immune to fire, we find out at the end. I will go so far as to say we're calling it an anaconda. What? What?

I'm having a stroke. But I believe it's anaconda because there is more than one anaconda in this movie. We were talking about this. We benched this discussion backstage. Are there more than two? Because I think one is red, but they shoot one in the head. There's the green one they shoot in the head, and then there's the black one that's in the factory. Okay, so there are two, but they don't really make it clear like, oh, there's another one. And is one of them, do we presume, the one that killed Trejo? No.

Like, is there... Okay, this is what I thought. Because this is where I started to go, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop the clock. Now, is... Okay, you know they're in the newspaper thing and they've got a big snake, right? Yeah. Are the Anaconda seeking revenge like Jaws 4? That's what I thought. On Voight, Trejo, Mateo. And these people are caught in the crossfire of a sentient...

Well, the snake is definitely sentient. Intelligent? The snake is no... Diabolic snake! Snakes! Snakes in a river, guys. But the only reason... Get these motherfucking snakes out of my motherfucking river. The only reason why I would say the snake is not sentient is it doesn't often go after Jon Voight. It goes after a lot of other people. That's right. It's not a revenge fantasy for the snake. Yeah. My question, which only arose at the end when they're at the Anaconda factory... Yes.

is they seem to be harvesting anacondas. Yes. So why do they need to capture a live anaconda when they've got a breeding farm for anacondas? I don't know. I don't know who owns that anaconda farm.

I don't know why. I don't understand a lot of it because for the majority of the movie, we are led to believe that this 40-foot long anaconda is the thing. It's almost like if you watched all of Jaws. They kill Jaws at like an hour and 10 minutes. It's like, oh, and then there's another Jaws. No, it's not just that. They kill Jaws and then everybody's like, everybody be like, oh, phew. And then they go someplace else and there's just another Jaws. That looks almost

Almost exactly like the other Jaws. And then, when they go to that place, there's a million tiny Jaws.

This podcast is supported by FX's English Teacher, a new comedy from executive producers of What We Do in the Shadows and Baskets. English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job, while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

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I want to show you guys, we talked about it earlier, I want to show you guys what happens when a snake does kill somebody. Just so you guys can see. This is one of my favorite kills. We have two. I'm going to show them back to back. This is the kind of, I said the snake kind of defies logic. This is a great way to show you this. Here we go.

The snake is so able to move and be dexterous. The guy jumps off a waterfall. We can pull up the screen. He jumps off a waterfall. That snake is able to get him, wrap him up, take him home. It's good. But the snake was just in the water a second ago. Yes. Now it's trapped on a tree like...

80 feet high. Yeah, it got up that tree very quickly. That happens a lot. The snake is, like, literally, like, snake's in this shot, and then cut right here, snake's also here. Well, my thought is maybe there are just hundreds of these snakes, or they're tree elevators where the snake got on and just drove. Or the snake is a teleporter. Ooh, I like that. Like the X-Man Nightcrawler. Well, the snake definitely has heat sensors. Bam.

Oh, I wanted to show this one quick clip. You fucking nerds. You fucking nerds. Before you do, though, Paul. Yes, please. I'd like to point out that right after the scene that you just paused, you see the giant tree being uprooted. Yes. That tree then falls on the boat. As a result of the tree falling on the boat, Eric Stoltz wakes up.

out of his coma yeah well a lot of people don't you see a lot of been going down all right up to that point but it's the tree sort of falling in and you see it's like that he kind of goes oh where am i now but isn't isn't that that famous statement if a tree falls in the jungle will eric stoltz hear it that's where that statement originates from i wanted this is uh this is not going to be visual for people who are listening um or is going to be visual this is something just see if you notice well i'm going to tell you what to notice

Great camera work here. They clearly did not have this shot, so they just ran it backwards. So watch the waterfall in this scene. It's apparently, it's very clear if you're looking at the waterfall. So take a look here. We can just dim it down. It's quick. All right, here we go. There it is. They just ran the footage backwards. No, Paul.

That's not what's happening. Okay, no, hang on, hang on. No, it makes sense. The boat is in reverse, Paul. No, no, no. So that explains it. No, no, no. They're in South America. Water goes backwards. Got it, got it, got it. On the other side of the equator, things go in reverse. That makes sense. Like toilets in Australia. Well, I want to open...

- I was gonna use the toilet. - So if you have questions about Anaconda we have not asked, I'm gonna come down to you, so just raise your hand and don't be too weird. All right, Hugh, all right, here, and the Punisher shirt. Okay, we'll get to you. Hold on to the mic. What's your name, your favorite color, your question, go. - My name's Jared, my favorite color is purple, and did you guys not hear some Scarface in Jon Voight's performance? - Was it Scarface-inspired? That's the question. - That could be an interesting one, yeah.

I like that idea. I like that idea. You don't think it's snakesy people? Yeah, okay. Say hello to my little snake. All right, what's your question? My question is, who are they going to sell the snake to for millions? Such a good question. That is a good question. They actually do say it on the DVD extras.

Michael Jackson. They were going to sell it to the producers of Anaconda to have a more realistic looking snake for their movie. One thing we did before the question, one thing we didn't talk about is when J-Lo goes into Jon Voight's dressing room area. Okay, that's an amazing scene. I know we have to get to it, but right before she goes in, she's like sexying herself up in the mirror and puts on a lipstick that is the exact color of her skin. Of her lips.

There's no color. Walks out like, yeah, I did it. I found that part deeply erotic. All right, here's another question. Here we go. Do you guys think that Tommy Wiseau drew some inspiration from Jon Voight's performance in Anaconda in his performance in The Room? That's a great question. I do like that. I like that you had to say Tommy Wiseau's performance in The Room as if he has been in other things.

As if his character in the room, Johnny, is that his name? Yes. Is a character. That is a human being. That is a life experiment. I would love it if in the middle of this movie, John Voight had been like, do you guys want to play football? Toss it around. I don't understand its structure of play. Here's a question over here. Go for it.

I believe when Ice Cube plays some music on his jukebox, he's playing an Ice Cube song. I checked. I thought it's not an Ice Cube song. It's not. I did a little bit of research on that. He wouldn't sell them the NWA songs, I bet. No, I don't know if that's true. But no, it was a rapper. It was not him, but it was close. It...

What was it? Mac 10. It was Mac 10. But Cube is on that track? He was on that track? This guy is saying Cube is on that track. It's worth noting, because just for clarity and scientific objectivity, it was not a jukebox. It would have been weird if Ice Cube had a jukebox on the boat.

Sometimes he liked it. It would have fit in. It was before the iPod shuffle, so he didn't need one. It was a boombox. It was a boombox. All right, here we go. Last question. If it's bad, it won't be the last question. What about the tracheotomy? Oh, the tracheotomy. Good question. What about that tracheotomy?

What do you want to know? I mean, he performed a serviceable tracheotomy under the circumstances. Well, that's what I'm saying. If he wanted to kill Eric Stoltz, he would have performed a bad tracheotomy, right? Well, but what was Eric Stoltz really recovering from? His windpipe was the throat bug. Remember? But was he trying to get poison out of his body, or was he just recovering from the... Get the poison out of him. He had a swollen pipe. Right, but why was he not conscious? Because he lost consciousness.

oxygen to the brain, he passed out. The only way to get him breathing again was to perform an emergency boat tracheotomy. But wait!

Here's the thing. You perform a tracheotomy when from here to here is blocked, right? So you have to open the windpipe here. By the way, yes, but after the bug came out, there was nothing blocking his windpipe. That's what I'm saying. Is there any doctor in the house that can dispute John Voight's medical opinion? Wait a minute. Paralytic river wasp poison.

will paralyze your windpipe. Getting rid of the bug doesn't unparalyze your windpipe. The only thing that can do that is windpipe. If a windpipe is paralyzed, it just means it's staying still. It'll be fine. When the swelling goes down, it moves. All right, well, we have a question over here. Sir, what's your question? I just wanted to gauge the commentators on what was your favorite puppet death scene.

There was the panda in the beginning who got squeezed to death and an eyeball popped out of its head. Oh, the panther? It made the, arrr, Scooby-Doo face. And then there's the monkey who gets puked up on someone else. And then there's the anaconda who gets shot at point-blank range with a sniper rifle. Yeah. Well, what's interesting is when John Voight dies at the end, spoiler alert. He winks. He winks, but with no eyes. No, no, he winks with one eye when he's regurgitated. Well, right, when he's regurgitated, but

popped out is what I'm saying. He could still be affected with one eye. Right, no, I love the wink. You guys, I love the wink. The wink is the best thing of the movie. But he wasn't squeezed to death is what I'm saying. I think he was, but I don't think both of his eyes popped out. My answer to you is the panther or the monkey? The sock monkey death is the best death. Oh, see, my favorite death was the panther. Because panther is such a deadly animal and to watch it be like...

He made the Tim Allen noise. And then it drags, it's like, I love the shot where the snake drags the panther away and the camera lingers on just the eyeball. All that's left in the shot is an eyeball. I was like, that's pretty fucking hot. A couple things I want to just point out to you guys. This movie was nominated for six Razzie Awards. What I like here is worst screen couple, Jon Voight and the snake.

And worst new star, the animatronic Anaconda.

Here's the thing, the movie was roundly panned by most critics. However, Roger Ebert gave it three and a half out of four stars. These people right here in the front row, like the anticipation of you saying that, they all started hitting each other. Like, he's gonna say the thing about Roger Ebert. He's gonna say it. And then you said, Roger Ebert. And then I went, ah! Everybody in the front row just came at once.

That's what the power of Ebert's old reviews. He called it a slick, scary, funny creature feature, beautifully photographed, and splendidly acted. One other thing that I thought was great about this, during the filming, one scene, the controls for the animatronic anaconda shorted out, causing it to completely lose control, and some of that footage is used in the movie.

Also, for every minute that you see that anaconda on screen, it was $100,000 in CGI. Really? $100,000 per minute. How much did it cost? It cost $45 million and made a whopping $137 million. Wow. Huge hit. Huge, huge hit. Might be ready for a reboot. Maybe. Maybe.

Look, I don't mean to brag, I was in front of 3D and 3DD. I have a lot of experience with boats and deadly fish.

I can do this. All right, so obviously we had opinions about the movie, but now is a chance to look at people who have a different opinion. And it's now time for some five-star reviews from Amazon.com. Second Opinions! From top to bottom, crazy movies are fun. They're not your first, but they're gonna be your second. From the depths of Amazon they come.

♪ Come second opinions for everyone ♪ ♪ Second opinions ♪ - These are people who really enjoyed Anaconda. Sean James writes, "What surprised me about Anaconda is the amount of depth this film had. I came in expecting low budget cheese, but was surprised by the symbolism and metaphors mixed amongst the blood and gore. Voight disappears into his character.

He literally makes you think he's someone else. This guy is impressed with acting in general. Five stars. Erica from Sarasota, Florida writes, in all caps, mind you, "I love this movie. You just gotta see it. The whole snake in the water thing had me going." - I love her. - I was like, I was like, dang, that snake doing all that to everybody?

If it was me, I couldn't have played in that movie because I'm scared of snakes. Although I wouldn't be scared because it was fake. This movie you gotta go see if you haven't. That's Erica from Sarasota, five stars.

And my final one, this is a different kind of a rating system. This guy rates this movie a little bit differently. DeeDeeNody goes, "This movie is worth getting for the cast alone. Ice Cube's presence alone adds two stars. Carrie Wuer, she adds two stars. Jennifer Lopez, two stars. Exception Selena." - He wrote that? - Yep.

Eric Stoltz, one star. Jon Voight as a rugged guide with a hidden sinister agenda, one star. A huge CGI snake, three stars at least. Tack on another star for the lush Amazonian backdrop and you have a total of 12 stars. This movie is a testament to all that is good in humanity.

Oh, that person is a genius. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, did you pull the Jon Voight death? No, oh yes, I did, yes, I did. Of course.

So at the end of the movie, they get to the warehouse, the Anaconda warehouse, where Anacondas are built. Which, by the way, they think there's fuel there. Which they say five million times, but why? They always think there's fuel places, and it turns out there always is. There is. But they always lose it. They don't hit really any obstacles besides the giant snake. But there are, like, artifacts on the path to this warehouse. Yeah, there is also something crazy happens, which we have not talked about, which is...

Jon Voight, so Cube and J-Lo are searching for fuel. Oh, maybe there's fuel over here, maybe there's fuel over here. And then Jon Voight goes, sneaks up from behind them, and with one rifle butt, somehow knocks them both unconscious. Because it goes to black.

Now, they don't wake up yet. They're tied up, though. With snakeskin. Oh, is that what it was? They're tied up on the ground of the warehouse, and John Foyt has bled a monkey into a bucket, and it's a single monkey that has probably six gallons of blood in it. It's a big monkey. It's a small monkey, though. It's basically just only full of blood.

No organs, no bones, just... I'm pretty sure just a monkey. We're assuming he could have cut a couple monkeys and that was the last monkey he cut. I just thought the monkey was fully engorged. Yeah, perhaps. Yes, all the blood had gone to its penis, you mean? So there is a giant monkey boner? Is that what you say? My parents are in the back. My parents are in the back while I say monkey boner. They wouldn't have it any other way. Your parents have never seen a monkey boner.

Time to wake up. And he drenches them in monkey blood. Which, that action calls the snake...

Meanwhile, the monkey has been bleeding there for a long time. The snake could have come at any point when that monkey was cut. But it was almost like a mix of ice cube sweat. By the way, the snake has been after human beings. Beans. Human beings the whole time. Yeah. So why did he need the monkey blood? I agree. And also, why not just stab one of them to bleed? Yeah.

By the way, I would argue that... Find a monkey, give it a boner, bleed it. Right. I mean, you've got to figure like 10 minutes of just Jon Voight jerking a monkey off.

Unrated Director's Edition. I will say that no snake has attacked anyone that's bleeding in the whole movie. That is the thing. Nobody has been bleeding that the snake attacked. We can all agree to that. Oh, yeah. It's not like... Here's the thing. Anacondas are not vampires. No. They're not like...

Or maybe it's a Jaws thing. Maybe this movie is basically just a Jaws ripoff. Maybe it's just blood in the water. That's insulting to even the word ripoff. I mean, well, this is the POV that we talked about. This is not the full John Voight death scene. Okay, so John Voight, then the snake eats John Voight, and then... Well, here you go. You're going to see how he eats John Voight. How they got the camera in here, we will never know. All right, here we go. ♪♪

The camera is inside the face. And that is how he eats him up. That's all I got of that scene. Just, uh, well, sorry. He eats him.

Needs the whole body. I mean, that is some fucking gross shit. The camera is inside the snake's body. And then afterwards, the snake barfs Jon Voight back out. Amazing. This is what we were talking about earlier. Jon Voight flumps to the ground, leans just straight against J-Lo, who for some reason does not back up. No, not at all. She allows him to kind of slump against her, and then he kind of backs up, and he winks. He's like, hey, babe.

Well, even when J-Lo is seducing Jon Voight, like, he knows it. Like, we're real that he knows it. And he still, like, goes in for another kiss. He's like, I need it. Because he's a snake. He is a snake. He's just a snake. Did we miss anything? Did we miss anything that we need to talk about? Oh, God. What? Oh, yes. That was a good...

One of the best visuals in the movie is the snake drives by the camera. And a Toyota Celica. And the snake, you can see Owen Wilson's outline. But he's outlined like Han Solo in Empire Strikes Back. Like his mouth is open like, oh, you got me. It's like in Nightmare on Elm Street when the face comes out of the wall. Yeah.

But then meanwhile, two seconds later, he goes right after the next person. He has a full belly full of Wilson over there. Or as his character's name, Gary. Gary! I just wrote down large words, Gary. Well, that's the thing about Owen Wilson movies. Ten minutes later, you're hungry for another. I will say that it looked more realistic than when Marley ate him in Marley and Me. Um...

I highly recommend that you see this movie. I think it's worth its weight. And I actually was watching it again today for pulling clips. I was like, it's actually even better the second time. Knowing where it's going, I'm like, oh, I'm enjoying this even more. So you were surprised during the first time you watched it of all the twists and turns? I was just kind of like, when is this going to happen? I got to enjoy some of the more nuanced symbolism and metaphors. The fact that they were tied up in snakeskin. We didn't have to worry about following a plot.

Do you think the symbolism is that the snake is like the snake in the book of Genesis? The snake that tempts man to eat a forbidden fruit? Jason, if I was a hammer and you were a nail, I'd be hitting you on the head.

I don't think we can recover from that. Any final thoughts? Any final thoughts? I'm just curious if the tribe people signed releases before they got that footage. They find the tribe at the end. They do find the people of the mist. The people of the mist, they come out of the mist. And they clearly have no problem with these snakes. I think they live in harmony with the snakes. And I guess they get their footage. I guess. I don't know. I'm guessing. Well, she does, doesn't at the end she say get the camera or something like that? Oh, the last lines are

roll film and he goes camera rolling credits and then it's and it's the boat going into the sunset yeah did it get destroyed the tree was okay that's a strong boat that's maybe that's the reason they them Mateo thought that boat could hold a 40 foot snake that can fly

I really do wonder, I don't think we figured out, and I don't think anybody will ever figure out, what the exact plan was between Mateo, Voight, and Trejo. They were just buddies and I guess they couldn't afford a boat themselves? They were just independent snake hunters who teamed up- Mateo had a boat. A prequel! I want a prequel! Mateo, you're right, Mateo had a boat. A prequel that ends with- And they had a snake factory. I want a prequel that ends with that picture being taken. Right?

The entire movie is about Jon Voight, Mateo, and Trejo. Fucking snake hunters in the Amazon just fucking chicks and nailing snakes. Sadly...

Sadly, no one thought of that because the film was followed by three sequels. Anacondas, The Hunt for Blood Orchid, and then two TV movies, Anaconda 3, Offspring, and Anaconda's Trail of Blood. So they have not gone back. The snake in this movie is worse than the snake in that sci-fi movie with the giant snake in it. Which, if you've seen that, is absolute garbage. Like, the dummies who made that snake watched this movie and were like, we can do this better. We can get that.

And they didn't even have to afford Stoltz and all of his bullshit. I will say this. Just any time we talk about Stoltz, I just want to say, go and find all of the photographs and everything of Eric Stoltz as Marty McFly in Back to the Future. Humorless portrayal of Marty McFly, apparently. Humorless. Yeah. They shot almost all of Back to the Future with Eric Stoltz in the Marty McFly role.

killed it and reshot it with Michael J. Fox. And you think, oh, they didn't shoot that much. There's so many pictures of him from almost every scene in the movie. Three quarters of the movie. They shot three quarters of the movie. They shot eight weeks with him and go, ah, scrap it. Because it was too dark. I want them to release that. All right. Well, thank you guys so much for coming out. We really appreciate it. This has been amazing.

A big thank you to Michael Ian Black. That is all for our live episode, live from the Bell House. Big thanks to Michael Ian Black. He's amazing. You can follow him on Twitter. Also, he has a great book out called You're Not Doing It Right. This book is great. I know June is a huge fan of it, as am I. You can follow me on Twitter at Paul Scheer. You can follow June at MissJuneDianne. That is all. We will see you next time.

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