Speed 2: Cruise Contral w/ Scott Aukerman (HDTGM Matinee)
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Imagine Speed without the bus, without Keanu Reeves, without the tension, and without the story. We saw Speed 2, Cruise Control. So you know what that means. Now it's time for How to Discapate. We're going to have a good time celebrating failure. Not just be a hater, because you know you're one good. How to Discapate. Let's follow in the mediocrity of subpar art. How to Discapate.

Hello, people of Earth, and welcome to How Did This Get Made? But let's just get right into it. I am joined, as always, by June Diane Raphael and Jason Manzoukas. How are you guys? Good. Pretty good. Pretty good. We all are in studio here. Look at that. For the first time in a while. This is exciting. It's big. Also joining us today is the host of Comedy Bang Bang. He has a brand new show coming out on IFC every Friday night. Please welcome...

Scott Aukerman. Oh, you sound like you're about to say more. Scott Aukerman, who is my best friend. According to New York Times, the den mother of comedy. Den mother. Den mother. Very sweet. Fucking Zach Galifianakis. That's his quote. He knows I'm a man. Anyway, so speech. You do have substantial tits. Thank you. You're sucking on them.

Nourishment. All right, so we decided... And we're off. We decided what better way to kick off our So Bad They're Good summer movie blockbusters with Speed 2 Cruise Control, the ill-conceived sequel to Speed, a movie that could not have a sequel, really.

It ended perfectly. And what they did was they took the side character, Sandra Bullock, and made her front and center. Now, Sandra Bullock doesn't do anything in speed. Hang on. Excuse me. She just drives the bus. She drives the bus. You're miming doing a steering wheel. May I point out she also presses her foot down upon the accelerator. You are right. You are right. So she is now the lead of this movie. And clearly this movie was written for Keanu Reeves.

I have to interject. It was not written at all. If you do some research, they did not have a script. Well, basically. Is that right? Yes. Graham Yost, the guy who wrote the first Speed movie, had a great idea for a sequel because the director, Jan de Bont, wanted to do something with a boat. And he had this idea. He had a dream, by the way. Well, this is, yeah, yeah. This should be titled Based Upon a Nightmare by Jan de Bont. A dream of two large ships slowly moving toward each other.

He had a nightmare where a boat crashed into something and he woke up and said, that is the sequel. That is really and truthfully what happened. Oh, come on. So basically, the writer, Graham Yost, was kicked off the project and instead they went with Jan de Bont's dream of a boat crashing into land. And the movie feels exactly like a foreign person's dream about a boat crashing into land. It feels like a dream where...

For some reason, you know how when you're dreaming about someone you know, they'll say goodbye and turn into someone else? Yeah. And it feels like that's what happened in his dream is Keanu Reeves was like, oh, excuse me, and just changed into Jason Patrick for no reason. And then we're off, and we're on this boat with him. And so they try to write out basically Keanu Reeves in the first scene. And it's so sloppy. There's nothing. I've never seen a movie more sloppy with exposition than this.

Which it says a lot for what we do here on this show. It's so like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She literally is taking- She basically says that relationships with daredevils never work out. Didn't work out. And that it only worked out for like six months and then she jettisoned him or something? Is that what she said? They broke up after six months? Oh, because he gave her mace and she thought it was perfume. And wound up in the hospital. Yeah.

Which really, I don't know what kind of perfume looks like a can of mace. Although that's a great idea, and if you're in, I'm in. Yeah, let's do it. To the tune of $50,000. I'm actually surprised later in the movie when she finds that grenade, she didn't think it was perfume. Boom!

I also love the first scene in the movie, they bring back a character from the first movie, the police chief. Yeah, Joe Morton. Joe Morton. Which, by the way, she does not, we should point out, she does not know that her boyfriend, Jason Patrick, is a daredevil cop. No, she thinks he's a- Well, she knows she's a cop.

She knows he's a cop but thinks he's a bike cop on the beach. On Venice, yeah. But then what is even more infuriating, she does not know that not only is he a cop but works with the exact same cop who got her off that bus in the first movie. And her... Yes, and...

She doesn't want to date daredevils, but she is dating a daredevil. Well, and it's a very strange setup for a female. Because they need to basically go. Well, yeah, but it's a strange thing to set up a female character who actively doesn't want a man who's a hero. Yeah. Who saves lives. Like,

is looking for not that. Considering what type of hero Jason Patrick actually is in this movie, she should not want that. Basically, it basically starts off with two parallel scenes. Joe Morton is leading a special squat team, squat, a squat team, a squat team, uh,

Yeah, squat team. Yeah, squat team. They are leading a SWAT team. I don't even know what they're trying to bust. Oh, I know what it is. It's a laundry truck. Ice cream man? It's an ice cream truck full of stolen computers because it's 1993. It is so uninteresting. They bring out a SWAT team for one truck of stolen computers, which all four of them are

out of the back of the truck. They all are flying out and meanwhile Jason Patrick is just chasing it on a motorcycle. Meanwhile, Sandra Bullock is taking her driver's test with Tim Conway and it's very comical. In like an SUV convertible. No, she's in a Volkswagen thing. It's an old like, I actually love that car. Is that the actual title? It's a Volkswagen thing. There is a car called a thing? It's from like the 70s or earlier. It's like an old, old Volkswagen. It's called the thing. What? Yeah. Wow. Okay. So in the

Does that get made? I like the thing. We have to do an episode of How Did This Get Made. About car additions. Okay, then I also want to do a PT Cruiser then. Because I cannot for the life of me figure that disaster out. They only are sold to rental car agencies. Yeah, I think so. MCC Top. Yeah, they're not being made anymore. Because you tried to buy one? Yeah.

Again, the clunkiness of this first scene. Her driver's test intersects with the SWAT team, and that's how she finds out. That's how she figures it out. Well, she also, I mean, people, she's driving so crazily. People were killed during that. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Easily. Okay. Okay.

There's a huge death toll. If we're doing a body count. If this movie actually happens, there's a huge death toll. And there's huge, there are deaths that occur due to comedic moments. There are deaths that like, like her comedically bad driver's exam must have led to five deaths. And to follow that up, then there are comedic moments that follow deaths. Yes. So there are deaths and then punchlines immediately after. Yes.

Like, there are people that get sucked into the propellers. Yeah. Right? When they're on the lifeboat, lifeboat rescue. Two people fall out of the boat, get sucked into the propellers, and she's like, lower the gangplank. And then she's like, can you get these people out of here? This is supposed to be a vacation. Yes, a vacation.

So basically she finds out that her boyfriend's a part of the suicide squad of the police force. Policemen who are willing to commit suicide in pursuit of stolen computers. We've got to get those computers. My life is irrelevant. I also do love that Joe Morton's first line in the movie is like, you know, the character that the replacement Keanu Reeves is Alex. He goes, all right, Alex, no stunts and no wrecks.

Like, that's what he leads it off with. Meanwhile, Alex is on his motorcycle driving primarily on one wheel. Yes. Primarily in a wheelie form. No reason why he needed to be driving like that the entire time. So she finds out that she's dating Keanu Reeves because the movie has to continue and they weren't going to rewrite it too much. Which, by the way, I don't know if you've ever watched...

Alien 2 or Aliens, right? Yes. Back to back with Alien 3rd to the third power? No, I did not see it to the third power. Okay, I watched a marathon. Alien cubed? I watched a marathon of all four movies on TV once, but when the beginning... Were you having a nervous breakdown? I grew a super long beard. I ate my fingernails. Um...

But watching, you watch all of the second Aliens movie, and for the entire movie, she is trying to save the little kid, right? Newt. Newt. She's trying to save Newt. She's finally successful. She escapes the aliens. And then if you immediately watch the third Alien movie, it starts with that little kid dead.

Yes. All of this was for naught. And that's how I felt like watching this movie. We're so invested in her getting together with Keanu Reeves in that movie, and he's so amazing in it. And then for her to just go, yeah, I broke up with him six months later. He's so amazing in it. Is that what you just said? I agree with that. I think he's great in Speed. I think he's great in it. All right. I think he's great in it. Okay, fine. I guess I'm the sole dissenter here. And girl, he is cut. All right.

But he, I mean, so basically they- A dead mother of comedy. So the original premise is essentially that Keanu Reeves and her go on a boat trip and the boat is hijacked. Well, not Keanu Reeves. But I mean, it was written that way. Oh, I'm sorry. It was written that way. He turned it down. After reading the script? After reading the script. He said that- Or just after reading the outline or something. Yeah. After hearing about the dream. Yeah.

Well, he said he had recently, he did not like the script and he was secure from the success of the first film. And he said that he did a movie called Chain Reaction. And he said he wasn't mentally or physically ready to star in another action film right now. And he went to go tour with Dogstar, his band instead. Of course.

We should do another show about that. How did this get made? How did this get made, Dogstar the Band? Basically, everyone turned down this movie. Sandra Bullock only agreed to be in this movie if they would finance her movie, Hope Floats.

And then William Dafoe was only in this movie after they went to like 10 other guys to be the bad guy. And so it was Jason Patrick. It went to Matthew McConaughey, who went on to do Contact and said, Jon Bon Jovi, who passed. What? Oh, that's the movie I want to see. Yeah, I would love to have seen that. Patrick Muldoon and Christian Slater. Who's Patrick Muldoon? Who even is? Who is he to

Turn down speed. Who even is Patrick Maldoon? I'm going to find out right now. Wait a second. Because you're saying people who are legitimately A-list people, and then you said a name that I've literally never heard. All right, I'm looking at it right now. Patrick Maldoon is a pretend person. He was in Starship Troopers. I doubt it. And Days of Our Lives. He's a soap actor. He's a soap actor. Wow.

A soap opera actor turned this down. That's how bad this script is. And Jason Patrick was like, I'm in. Oh, he was on Melrose Place. That was his big thing. That makes sense. Yes. So then Jason Patrick finally got it. No one wanted to do this movie again.

And so he kind of steps into a role that was written for Keanu Reeves where I think that if you look at the movie, Keanu Reeves would have been trying to ask Sondra Bullock to marry him. Yes. He would have been invested in their relationship already. Instead of when we meet these two, he's about to ask her to marry him and we are actively rooting against him because we like Keanu Reeves so much. And also they appear to have a horrible relationship built upon lies. Built upon a lie. Well, first of all.

First of all, she's been dating him for six months, doesn't know about this thing, and then they're like, she doesn't know anything about him, and he's ready to ask her to marry him. I mean, Jan de Bont said that he just rewrote the first scene to establish that that was it. Otherwise, it's unchanged? It's unchanged. Oh, my God. So that speaks volumes of why this movie is so fucking weird. I wonder if Jeff Bridges would have... No, no, he's dead in the first one.

Never mind. Spoiler. Sorry. Spoiler. So basically, they get on the boat. It's a fun cruise ship. You know it because you meet every character you're going to see for the rest of the movie immediately. Especially Dante. Dante. Hi, my name's Dante. He says my name's Dante like 800 times. His last line is, remember, it's Dante. I got to say, too. He says that. Dante's taking pictures the whole time from beginning to end. Oh, yes. As the ship is going down, Dante makes his. As he is in the process of dying, he is taking pictures. He's taking pictures.

And I thought for sure these pictures are going to come back and we're going to reveal clues that way and understand. It would be like the sequence in Hangover at the end. You spin me right round, baby, right round. You see all the golf clubs, William Dafoe. I like to think that the guy playing Dante...

That was his actor's process to hope that he would be remembered in the movie, which is not a bad idea if you're an actor. I remembered his name. It's to constantly say your character name. He's the only one. So they meet Dante. Then they meet this weird guy who's kind of like a concierge. He's showing them to his room. Like the bellhop guy? The bellhop guy. Is that a comedian Jeremy Hotz? Maybe. I don't have it in front of me right at the second. So he's showing them. And then all of a sudden you meet the villain. Within the first...

10 minutes of the movie, you've met every main character, and the villain is William Dafoe, who Jason Patrick immediately is like, this guy's up to something. He knows exactly. There is never a second on this enormous ship where they are not within 15 feet of William Dafoe. No. And everyone else we've met. There are hundreds and hundreds of people, if not thousands, on this cruise ship, and they are constantly surrounded by the same eight people. Well, it's also confusing because William Dafoe could have pulled off

all of this off and not gone out during the daytime hours. He didn't have to do cruise time activities. William Dafoe was out enjoying the ship at the bar. He didn't need to leave the room. He wasn't scouting. He was just... He just hung out with his leeches all afternoon. Exactly.

Guys, the leeches. The leeches, okay. The leeches, I was... That also, I kept being like, okay, the leeches are going to play a part in this, a bigger part in this. Nope. They just don't. Well, I mean... Except to be like, there's a tub full of leeches at one point. And I was like, that's some sexy shit. And once Jason Patrick sees the leeches, he says...

This is a very sick man. Sick puppy. But you know, it's funny. I feel like this movie was done in the era where the bad guys needed some quirk. They couldn't just be bad. So he was a bad guy who needed leeches that were sucking out the copper that he had been exposed to by working on computers. It seems like...

As a villain, you need motivation. Like every great actor that they approach probably are like, what's my motivation? So, you know, unlike The Rock, which has Ed Harris as a villain where you're actually on his side because he's like going farther than you would, but you understand why. Like Willem Dafoe is just a fucking insane person who happens to have leeches. Can somebody please explain what he wanted to do? He's worked on the computers for this ship, so he knows everything about it. While he was working on the computers, he got sick.

He got sick. And they fired him. Hence the leeches. Okay, so they fired him. Which I don't think is legal. Yeah, absolutely. He could have pursued a legal course. Well, it was 1997. No one was suing their companies back then. Law didn't exist. Yeah, this was before 9-11. A lot of things changed. But he basically was a computer expert who got exposed to too much copper from working on computers. Exposed to too much copper.

Yeah, which is exactly how computers work. Which, by the way, is what pennies are made out of, which we carry around, exposing ourselves to constantly. Well, you know, that's how Abraham Lincoln died. So he wants revenge on the company that fired him, and the doctors gave him a couple years to live, but these leeches might give him a couple more years to live. Because he wouldn't trade the leeches for all the doctors in the world, as he says. Okay, okay. So... So...

So his revenge, though, is taking down this boat. Taking the diamonds. No, the diamonds. Which is the craziest part. He wants to steal the diamonds that are on the boat. Brought on the boat by passengers. No, brought on the boat by a jewelry company. Remember they say, who wants a multi-million dollar show? Blah, blah, blah. Some jewelry company is on the boat and they are, remember, walking around with all those diamonds. Some people are buying.

them for some weird reason. Yeah, and there's a crazy shot where one of the extras, like one of the women showing the jewelry walks around with the jewelry on a tray. Yeah. And the women jump out of their seats. It's like Oprah's favorite thing. And stare at the jewelry that's on her. Yeah. It's the strangest. Which then when the boat, they say, abandoned ship, the jewelry company says, well, of course, I will leave the diamonds here on this ship.

And they get off the ship without them. They leave them there. Well, I mean, look, again, it goes back to the diehard thing, too. The villains are so cool, but all they want in the end is just a good score. Some bearer bonds or some diamonds. But he wants the money to make him less sick or to... That's what I'm trying to get at. No, no, I think he just wants the money. Even though he only has a couple years to live. Because he's going to live it up. Even with the leeches. He's just going to live it up. I think he's going to go crazy in St. Martin or wherever he is. Maybe he's going to buy more leeches. Okay.

fine, but why does he have to after he or a big copper magnet to like suck the copper out of his body? That's a great idea. Today's podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Hell, I might even be brought to you by Squarespace. I got so many websites up there. Squarespace gives you everything you need to offer services and get paid all in one place. Truly, I have been loving my Squarespace experience. I have broadened

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Um, Sandra Bullock is just casually watching Lolita while Alex is asleep. Yeah, what is that about? I didn't understand that at all. Like a long shot of Lolita is like playing and she's just like. And he's sick, right? Yes, he's been puking in a champagne bucket. And she's watching Lolita on a boat. There's another version of this movie which could have just starred Jason Patrick and the deaf girl.

15-year-old girl. That's what I thought. And there would have been a... Because remember, the 15-year-old girl is like flirting with him from the word go. Right. That's why she dresses all sexy that night when she leaves and gets separated from her parents. Because it's all for Alex. Yes. And she's...

so that's why she left. She's trying to find him. Well, Alex, no, your father goes, you look like a clown. Get out of here. She doesn't look like a clown. She looks like a 12-year-old girl in a floral print dress. Yeah, with a little more makeup than girls normally wear. And he sends her out. He's like, get out of here, you clown. Get out of here, deaf girl. Yeah, and the deaf girl. And he doesn't even bother to do it in sign language. He just, like, yells at her. Yeah. Well, everybody who signs in this movie also speaks exactly what

they're saying. Yeah, exactly. I also want to point out that when she wakes up after watching Lolita and Jason Patrick is gone, he's skeet shooting and somehow she is woken up by the sound of his skeet shooting. She has gotten such the worst cabin on the boat that must be directly underneath. Right underneath the shotgun range. And by the way, the bed in that cabin is not a full-size bed. It's like a twin bed.

bed that they're both sleeping on. That cabin looks like hell. By the way, it was referred to as a suite. Guys, what can you expect on a Suicide Squad cop's salary? The other thing is, while he's ski shooting, who's watching him? Willem Dafoe. Just like, oh, because they have to be in the same place at all times. Oh man, Willem Dafoe. Again,

He could have gotten those diamonds, got on the boats that left the boat, and been fine. He could have done so many things. He has a gun the entire movie, and yet he's killing people by cutting the cords on the chains that are holding them. Like, he's firing guns at the rope that's holding Jason Patrick to the ship. Like, just fire the gun at Jason Patrick. You're willing to murder everyone.

He likes Rube Goldberg contractions. Yeah, like the moment where he comes across Sandra Bullock and the captain guy and they've got Jason Patrick tied to a rope and Jason Patrick is underwater and he's like holding a gun on them but then instead just flips a lever and hides. And I was like, what are you doing shooting?

Those two people. The only two people that are giving you trouble. And everything works out for you. They let go of Jason Patrick. He dies. You kill them. You have the diamonds. Then you can flee. But instead, he's like, I'm going to switch this liver. And I'm going to hide over here. I hope nobody notices me. Oh, shoot. They noticed me. Oh, crap. I guess I'll take a hostage.

Also, by the way, part of this movie relies on everyone being very easily able to get into the ship's cockpit. Everyone's able to walk right in there. There's no security in getting into that ship cockpit at any time. Willem Dafoe walks in.

As a drunk guy. And they're like, oh, this drunk guy is stumping in here. And they give him a lot of latitude, by the way. They let him hang out there for a good 20 minutes. He falls on all the major controls. He falls on all the major controls, puts all these different devices all over the central cockpit. And then later on, when Alex comes in, fake Keanu comes in, he starts shooting at the cockpit and stuff. Sure. No one cares. No one's ever being taken into arrest. No one's ever like, hey, man.

Hey, man, stay away from this cockpit. This stuff's kind of important. Hey, Paul, did you have the clip of Willem Dafoe attacking the captain? That's the one that I wanted to play. That has my favorite line in the thing. That was what we just were playing because it's the one where he has the swinging lamp. Yeah, that's what I thought the clip was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would love to hear that. Let's just try it again. Still four degrees off course. Did you check the mainframe, Eric?

I think it's a little bit after. Captain Pollard. Good evening. How can you be running the ship if you're not on the bridge? Who is running the ship? Oh, yeah. I am. What is this? Who are you? I spent a great many years developing computer systems for these cruise lines, including this baby. And then I got tossed away. What are you talking about? That's what really infuriates me. You don't even know what I'm talking about. How dare you talk!

Okay. Yeah. So that is my favorite line, which is, that's what really infuriates me. You don't even know what I'm talking about. That's not the favorite line. The favorite line is the captain saying, how dare you?

How dare he what? Insinuate that someone doesn't know what he's talking about? That's what this script or this movie obviously does not have a script and they improv'd all these scenes. There's so much bad improv going on to where people are trying to heighten things that should not be heightened. Do you think during this scene, and I hate to cut to later in the movie, but when Sandra Bullock sort of... Bullock? Bullock. Bullocksy blues. Bullocksy blues.

Sandra Biloxi blues, drives away in a jet ski, like sort of figures out how to detach her jet ski from Willem Dafoe's jet ski. Yeah, which is basically she pulls the lever that says detach jet ski. She pulls one lever and then he calls after her. Wait, you're my hostage. Ha ha ha.

You're my hostage. In this scene, the sound you're hearing inexplicably is Willem Dafoe is swinging a stationary lamp back and forth that has a range of about three feet, as if it is itself a threatening object to the captain. And as long as the captain stays...

Within, I mean, further than three feet away from him, Willem Dafoe's just moving a lamp. Or Jason, he could have just turned around and walked. Walked away. Just literally walked away. Just walked away. I'm not going over there. There's a drunk guy from last night. Okay, goodbye. It's as if the swinging lamp is like the deadliest of weapons. And it's hypnotizing him to come closer. And it does, in fact, lead to his death. It does. He gets knocked off. Conceptually, though.

The first movie is only as interesting because you have a bus. It's out of control. People on it, they could die. You know, it's... There's inherent tension. Exactly. This one, first of all, you're following the wrong character because she doesn't... She's not a hero. She doesn't do anything in this movie, by the way. She doesn't punch. You always are ready for her to be like, when is she going to deliver the punch? When is she going to do... She does take out the chainsaw. She does use the chainsaw. She uses the chainsaw. With Dante's help. But she basically is like, I'm on.

I'm on vacation. Oh, this is happening again. She puts a bikini on very quickly. Very quickly. She's in a bikini and a sarong like immediately. Oh, wait. And purple sunglasses. One of my favorite clothing. She looks way too tan. Which you've been shooting for a while. Yeah, I agree.

One of my favorite moments in the movie is Jason Patrick goes down to work underneath the boat and he's like in this wet white shirt and he rips it off and then he runs into another room and then immediately the next scene he's putting on like a black shirt. Clearly he did not want to be shirtless for like the second section of this movie. Right. So like...

They don't justify where that shirt came from. It wasn't like he went back to his room or anything like that. He just found a random new clean shirt that he just puts on. Random shirt. In case of shirtless, break glass.

Just right out of the box. Good, nice, tight shirt. Good shoes on my muscles. Weird thing about this movie conceptually, though, too, is that the stakes keep on changing, but not necessarily heightening. So it's like you think you're where the boat's headed toward a tank on this course. No, first toward the cliffs. Oh, yeah. Well, the cliffs and that's pretty bad. But then it's headed to a tanker, which is also.

pretty bad. It's like there's no... The man on the tanker, by the way. There's no story. The movie is just traps. The movie is a series of traps. Jason Patrick has no reason to do anything he's doing. They can get off the boat. Yes. What does he care? Yeah. What does he care other than this guy is breaking the law? He is putting so many people in danger. No, so many people actually die. He floods the ship

He floods the ship while a deaf girl is down below simply because this guy is breaking the law and he needs to be caught. What do you care? Because he's on the suicide squad. That's what they do. They put their lives at risk.

Yeah, it makes, and the action is so boring. It seems so weird. And shot in slow motion, too. Oh, my God. When it would cut to slow motion during action sequences, I would be like, this is horrible. Well, there's also, I do think they ran into a problem with shooting the action, which is that the boat, even at moving like 17.6 knots,

is still moving at a pretty slow pace. It's a boat. It's a gigantic ship. In open water. Yeah, there's nothing to show you how quick it's moving. There's nothing to show scale. Like, if they were to show a dolphin and it whizzing by a dolphin, it was like, oh my god, that's a fast boat! Like, maybe you would get something. Yes, but the other problem, too, is like, they have, as the boat gets closer and closer to land, they're

sort of hitting this resort town and there are all these other just, you know, water scares. Which, by the way, nobody notices. Yeah, nobody notices. I know they're looking directly up. A cruise liner is coming right at them. Like, people literally, the boat, like, the giant-ass cruise liner is four feet away and they're like, oh, shit, I should move my boat now. Oh, I gotta jump off my boat, you know. But even people on the boat don't notice either. But no one is jumping off the boat. That's the other thing that I... No one thinks to ever jump off the boat. People are more...

They're more willing to jump off the Twin Towers than they are willing to jump off this boat in this movie. Way too soon. But no, but I thought the same way. Like, when they were getting close to land, it's like, oh, it's shallow now. Just jump off the boat. Just jump off the boat. There are water skiers out there. Okay, hang on. Time out. Time out. I think what they tried to establish was that if you jumped in or fell off the boat, you get sucked into the propellers. Sure. So that's why people weren't jumping off the boat. That's my belief. And they're just hoping for the best? They're going to crash into...

You know what I mean? I don't know, man. What would you do? What would I have done? Yeah. I would have tried to find Willem Dafoe and punched him in the nose and been like, oh, I would have flooded the ship. Flooded the ship. There also is a lifeboat that you see hanging from ropes that you could very easily get onto at any point and cut off the ropes. But they can't get the, I mean, you could fall, I guess, in the lifeboat. Yeah.

Not that high. It's pretty high. It's going to float, though. You're a coward. Yeah. You are a coward. How about you cut the ropes and then you jump in the water and you hold on to it? How about when the woman, how about when the deaf girl's mother is like, our daughter's still in there. Our daughter's still in there. And she tries to climb out. And by climbing out, knocks the balance of the lifeboat off. Two people fall out, get sucked into the propellers and die. And then her husband goes, don't worry. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It is 100% your fault. It's no one's fault, baby.

but hers. And every time Sandra Bullock and Jason Patrick reunite, like which happens frequently, right? They will have their separate adventures and they'll reunite. I genuinely feel like

he would rather punch her in the face than kiss her. I feel like he hates her. I want to talk about two other lines that were... I feel like he, as an actor, hates Sandra Bullock as an actor. You feel like irritation. There's no chemistry between these two. The two lines that I love that are so... Well, you know what? We should play a clip between Sandra Bullock and... The second clip here, between Sandra Bullock and Jason Patrick.

You okay? Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. What's happening? Why did the shift start up again? Why didn't you lead me upstairs? Yes, please.

I know you have a situation. What? What? Geiger's taking over the ship. Geiger, I'm not looking at my golf game, Geiger. What? Geiger, I'm a computer psycho. Geiger, I design all the software. And Geiger, I can blow up everything. Why would he do that? I don't know. Well, where is he? He's everywhere. He's everywhere. By the way, I want to point out that when the guy who takes everyone's luggage to their cabins, he knocks on Willem Dafoe's door. He walks in and sees a computer.

And he immediately realizes that this guy is a villain. Oh, my God. A computer in a cabin? Guys, we... What is this guy up to? Also, why is the bellhop doing the turndown service? The bellhop is not the same guy. Those are not his duties. Can we also talk about, like, just to talk briefly about the technology in this movie? Mm-hmm.

Oh, do you mean the fiber optic converters? Fiber optic converter is amazing. But all of the computer prompts were English. Yes. They were like, the computer would ask him time to initiate and he would type in now. Okay.

Like, like every, everything was like conversation. Instead of clicking on something. There was no commands. There was no, like it was just, everything was conversational. It made everything the computer did was like warning. We have a problem. Like,

Well, there's a guy in India he's communicating with. It made me so furious. Every screen would say stuff that was literally as if the computer was talking language to the typer. My favorite line of the whole movie is, Alex confronts William Defoe. Please start calling him Willem. Willem. I'm begging you. And Willem goes, he has something in his hand. He goes, it's not a gun. It's a computer. Yeah. Yeah.

And he's wearing basically a Nintendo Power Glove. And then he's like, okay, I'm going to just go drown right now. And then he types in his hands and then walls start shutting down. And then the door, he has instant access to close individual doors on the boat with the Super Nintendo controller that he has strapped to his arm. By the way, at that moment, Jason Patrick, I don't know if you noticed this, but fires the gun at him, is willing to murder him at this point. Immediately. Immediately willing to murder him. Which, by the way, he should be.

willing to murder him. Well, he hasn't done anything at this point. The only thing that he knows is that this guy is interested in getting his golf clubs on the ship and it's weird that he is not watching the golf game on the TV. And he set up some fake fires on the ship. That's all he's done. He's made people abandon the ship and set up fake fires. He is going to straight up murder this man. Ha ha ha.

There's one line that I wanted to point out, which was Willem Dafoe says to Alex, he says, I don't know what it's referring to, but he says, I'm a smart guy, Alex, and even I know that.

I'm pretty sure the line should be, I'm a dumb guy and even I know that. Like, if you're a smart guy and you know that. Like, Nodoy, I know that. As a smart guy, like, Nodoy, we all know that. I think you are right, Scott, that they did not have a script because there are lines that are so weird. There's one opening shot after people have been hurt on the ship.

A guy comes over and goes, here are some more giant towels. And he's like, put these. Some more giant towels? Here are some more giant towels. Jan DeBond being like, okay, you come over, you say something. He probably says, go refer to those giant towels. Jan, are you sure you want me to say something about giant towels? He would say giant towels, then the camera would very quickly move to see somebody else. They're a whip pan. And then slow motion. Yeah.

Whip pans in this movie that are just like jarring. Well, nothing makes sense. Even the oil tanker that they're going to be crashing into, they're watching TV or movies about boats crashing into boats. I didn't notice that. Oh, yeah, when they're on the oil tanker. The ironic TV.

They have their TV sets to the ironic channel that you see in so many movies. It's like somebody in an airplane disaster movie like, oh yeah, I'm just watching this DVD of airplanes blowing up. I'm really bummed I didn't get to, like I bet if there's a Yandavan commentary, I bet it's amazing. Oh my God. I think he stopped working. He only made like two more movies after this, right? Well, he became like a DP. Well, he was a DP. No, he was a DP. And then he went back to it? Oh, really? Yeah. He's like Rennie Harlan.

Like, Jan de Bont and Rennie Harlan are, like, to me, the same person. They would have given them anything. Foreign, like, directors who made a big splash and then kind of, like, shit the band. Their second movie is the worst. Yeah. Leonard Part 6 was a movie he directed. Oh, what? Jan de Bont. Jan de Bont. Didn't he do Twister? He didn't direct. He couldn't direct. Oh, Cinematography. Yeah, okay. Thank the Lord.

Yeah, as a director, he only directed six movies. Well, he did Speed and Twister, which were successes. Yes. The Haunting, Lara Croft, Tomb Raider, The Cradle of Life. And he's in right now pre-production on Five Minutes to Live. Oh, boy. So he's back. He's back. Guys, let's all get auditions for that.

Oh, this is it. Two men conducting a bank robbery inform the manager she'll be killed unless she makes a money transfer within five minutes. Sounds like speed two in a bank. Yeah. Also, that's a really short period of time for a movie. That should be like a funnier die short. Yeah.

The five minutes to live. Maybe it is a photo you're doing. It doesn't say anything. A 90-minute movie that takes place within five minutes. All right, let's talk about this boat. The big scene at the end. The only reason for this movie to exist. The 10 minutes. Did anybody time it? Yes, it is right here. It is an eternity. It feels like an eternity. I guessed 10 minutes. I wrote 10 minutes. I guessed infinity. June, you want to take how long it is?

I'd say about 12 minutes. Okay. Well, it is a five minute scene when it starts crashing. When I think it starts hitting the dock. Oh, okay. But there's a lot of lead up to that. There is a lot of lead up, but I... Okay, yes. When the boat... What we're talking about is when the boat...

smashes into land. Right. They direct the boat into like a little harbor. There's got to be five minutes before that where they're like, we're going to crash, though. No, no, there is. That's when they're hitting all the boats. And by hitting the boats, they're slowing down inexplicably. And by the way, they're dropping the anchor for the first time. This is actually... That was a brand new idea. Yeah. Oh, hey, what if we drop this anchor? Oh, wait a minute. Drop the other one. Oh, it's stuck. Why don't we drop both at the same time, you fucking idiots? It's stuck. It's stuck.

This movie, it cost $25 million to do this sequence. Just this sequence? Just this sequence. What? $25 million. It took six months to build this town that they crashed through. They built 35 buildings. Oh, man.

And then the boat, basically the boat, it's the whole front of the ship, and then they CGI'd in the back of the ship, runs through the entire town on a track. Thousands of people must have died. Yeah. You know what I mean? Hundreds of people were killed if this was real. If it was real. But that's the point, is every single time it crashes into anything, it's like an episode of The A-Team. You see someone jumping out of the way. Yes.

Every cliche. No one dies in this movie. Every cliche you could possibly ever see in this final boat thing. People having sex. The open close sign. Oh, yeah. Open close. The guy flips a close sign to open, sees the boat, flips it back to closed. The guy who has a brand new car is like, my car. Which, by the way, I have Kulop's sister's son staying with us who's two years old, and he was running around during this movie. And it was a pretty grim viewing. None of us were laughing at anything. The guy says, Mike.

car and then the anchor drops into his car and then the dog he bursts out laughing like it's the funniest thing he has ever seen because and he doesn't really understand comedy or anything but he just knew the cadence of that that was a joke and I believe that guy was a cameo from the first movie like he he I think had his car also destroyed in the first movie I think it seems like it sequence we also follow that little dog

By the way, he's coming out of a 7-Eleven, which is like in this weird island. Everything is really rustic, and then it's like this weird 7-Eleven. 7-Eleven paid for that at all.

But yeah, that little dog who we watched try to escape pops up out of that car and makes it to the end. Thank God. But the guy's not excited. He wasn't like, my dog. He was like, my car. I don't think that was his dog. My wife. The mom and the son who are looking at an apartment with a real estate dealer and the boat, the cruise liner-

plows right through their perspective home. Those people are without a doubt dead. No, they jumped out of the way. Nope, they jumped out of the way. I was curious about those two because they're looking at an apartment in this resort town. There's no father figure there. I wanted to know about their story. Let's follow them. Oh, and also, I want to point out that at one point, the ship knocks over a giant champagne bottle, and when it knocks it over...

Like, champagne comes out of it. Right. As if they would make a giant sculpture of a champagne bottle, and they're like, well, we gotta fill this up. We gotta make this seven... Why are the young street toughs who live in this town, like, going and poking holes in this thing? It's not like a water... Trying to get wasted. Oh, man. Oh! I

I forgot about my favorite action sequence in the whole movie. Okay. The turn the wheel sequence. Oh, underwater, turn the wheel? The most boring action of all time. Basically, Jason Patrick and this other guy, Dante, have to unscrew a wheel, and they can only do it at 15-second intervals, and they just keep on cutting back to them, like, turning it for, like, three turns, and the other one comes out and turns it. Pretty hard to turn. And the other one comes out. I wonder if Dante's camera got...

You know, it was waterproof. Oh, it was? Oh, thank God. Thank God. Oh, thank goodness. So the whole city is destroyed. The ship stops. It hits the bell on a church. Everything is okay, relatively. Well, but first they plow into the city and the ship stops.

and we think everything's okay. They would have killed so many people on the beach, let alone in every building they destroyed. Oh, yeah. I mean, structurally. Then the ship starts to fall over, too. Oh, yeah. Oh, and that would have killed another 100,000 people, at least. For sure.

And then they have to go back and basically Jason Patrick is like, jumps out the front window of the ship. Which, by the way, Willem Dafoe had left the ship on the dual jet skis that we all know and love with Sondra Bullock probably three hours earlier. Yes. Jason Patrick jumps off this boat that's just crashed, gets into another boat, catches up with them in 90 seconds. Gotta find my girlfriend!

Time is pretty elastic in this movie, though. It's dinner time when the first... Yes. When Willem Dafoe, I think, starts evacuating people. And then it's...

He goes on a walk through that ship. Then they walk outside and it's morning. It's like 11 a.m. This is a dream. The whole movie is a dream. That's true. The whole movie is kind of just a dream. It's like the movie is two hours and five minutes. Yeah, it's a long movie. I lost my mind. Was this before Titanic? Titanic.

It was, yeah. 2007, I believe this was. Which, you know... Oh, no, no, sorry, not 2007. Titanic actually just shows you how a ship crashing, you can actually have tension because there would be people drowning. It was actually really good in telling you how people were going to die and be in peril in that movie. Well, let's take a commercial break. We'll be right back.

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Womb to foes, getaway. Again, now you're just like, when is this going to be over? He also keeps taunting her about her vacation. He's obsessed with the idea that she's on vacation because he says to her several times, enjoying your vacation? Or he says, how do you think your vacation is going to be different now that you're a hostage? And he also says, you'll never get me, Spider-Man.

Do you think when he's first talking to her at the bar in that opening scene that that's what he was talking about? Because I don't think we actually hear dialogue. You're probably right. She probably said, I'm on vacation. Which, by the way, I don't mean to go back, but I feel like we skipped the worst dialogue in the movie. Oh, please. The extended metaphor when he's about to ask her to marry him where he's saying, can I order a la carte?

Well, no, you're going to have to order from the menu. Well, what if I wanted to order something from you? Well, it depends on what section you're sitting in. How's the service? Am I going to get tipped? How do they get lost in the middle of that? Because it goes on forever. I could not.

follow. And everybody at the table is watching them. Yeah. And like listening. Well, his final proposal, though, is no better. When he says, do you want to wear this ring for a while? That's the worst fucking line I've ever heard. By the way...

props to whatever pants he was wearing because that ring... Props to the pants. Because that ring stayed securely in his pants pocket the entire movie. He kind of shoves the ring in his pocket very early on. He has been tossed out of windows. He's been under the boat. And for people who haven't seen it, it's not in a ring box. It is in a pouch. No, it's just a ring. It is in a pouch with like one clasp.

And open flaps. Which is not how, as a man who's proposed to a woman, you want to carry your ring. Yeah, of course. You want to be a little more sure of it. Of course. Hey, you want to wear this for the rest of your life or something? Yeah.

No, do you want to wear this for a while? A while. And she goes, you want to shove this on your finger for a couple of weeks? And she goes, for how long? He goes, 50 years. Like, that was his, like, we'll be dead in 50 years probably. That was such a bummer. That was a bummer. What, you want us to die at 80? I'm telling you, he actively hates her. Yeah. By the way. Do we have to be married after we're dead? He would rather, like, have his adventures than be with her or protect her. And she is in danger solely.

Because of his actions. She's in danger. All they needed to do is get on the lifeboat. Get off the boat. Get on that lifeboat. And he's like, oh, wait a minute. And she's like, wait, what? And he's like, go over there. He literally throws her away like garbage. Repeatedly. Literally? Literally.

Throws her away like that. By the way, the only thing that they could really take from the first movie is that famous line, which I'm going to butcher, but is that line that's like, you know, relationships that start in extreme circumstances don't work. They say that about four times in the movie. He says it to the deaf girl when she tells him that she loves him and will be 15 soon. Which they...

At the very beginning of this movie, the fact that she broke up with Keanu Reeves proves that to be true. But they keep saying it like it's a cute thing from the movie. No, they don't work, obviously. Didn't work. Did not work. And that's a bummer for those of us who saw the first movie. And we're rooting for them. I've heard that Yon DeBond is making a Speed 3, but the characters in it are Jason Patrick and the 15-year-old girl. That shot was...

when that girl takes off her jacket is so upsetting. And the sequence when they first make eyes at each other from across the screen.

What do you want her to do, make ears? No, guys, it's a meet cute. Jason Patrick, a grown man, has a meet cute with a 14-year-old girl from across the room. He is more interested in chatting with her via sign language than talking to the woman he's having sex with. Who's hanging on him. Who's sitting next to him. It is absolutely disturbing. And then when he saves the little girl, she basically is like, I want to be with you. Ha ha ha.

Lolita is already in the mix. Yeah, we've already laid down some track here. I swear to God, Jan de Bont is like, the real couple in this is the girl. But his response, like you said, is not like that's not appropriate, that's not possible. It's just like these aren't the right circumstances right now.

Yeah, he's keeping it alive. But he's keeping it. He doesn't want to close the door. Speed three. Speed three. It's Lolita. It's on an airplane. But the airplane is, it's a commuter jet and it only has 30 minutes to get to where it's going. Oh, and then the saddest death scene of all time. Like William, Willem. Wilhelm. Wilhelm, the foes. Plane gets stuck on like an antenna. Which is impossible. Yes, totally impossible.

It gets stuck on an antenna. Defying the laws of physics and of man. 100%. Gas comes out and it explodes. And it explodes up a giant tank. Like,

Nothing in this movie. Everything explodes here in this movie. They hit a sailboat at one point, and the sailboat explodes into a fire. It's a fucking sailboat. Where was the gas? Yeah, but then you cut to a raft where the people who own the sailboat are successfully rafted. Don't worry. They're fine. They're fine. Yeah, they're okay. But yeah, so it's the worst. Wait. My favorite one of those was when they're right...

The boat is screaming through where all the little boats are and stuff, running over boats. And there's a dude on jet skis or a wakeboard, rather. A dude on a wakeboard is being towed. And the boat cuts across, cutting the boat and the guy off. And you just see in slow motion as the guy on the wakeboard jumps up and clang, hits right into the side of the cruise liner. It's also useless action, too. It's useless, and it's also like, how did you?

Did you not see this cruise liner this close? No one. Everyone's on their vacation. Obviously, we did not like this movie. Hippies. Get the hippies. I remember the hippies. The hippie boat. Oh, the hippie boat. With the tie-dye guys. Peace. Can I just say, can we talk about- You've got to be messing with my head, man.

Can we talk about the very end of the movie, the last shot of the movie? Yeah, sure. Sandra Bullock is back with Tim Conway. She's in her driver's test again. And they can't resist adding one more joke because she drives off, it fades out, and you hear...

Yes. From a bus. From a bus. Ostensibly, she is dead. Yes. She was like, yeah, you hear that crash. And other innocent people are dead, too. Yes. So obviously, we did not like this movie, but...

Some people did, so it's now time for a second opinion. These are reviews called from Amazon, five-star reviews. I want to point out that one person who really liked this movie is Roger Ebert. Siskel and Ebert gave it two thumbs up. The only critics in the world. The only critics. This movie has a 2% on Rotten Tomatoes.

Roger Ebert says, Movies like this embrace goofiness with a sensual pleasure. Sensual? Hold on, Roger Ebert. And so on a warm summer evening, do I. Ew. Did he finger someone to this movie? Grosso. Yeah, that was movies to finger to. Speed to focus girl. All right, so these are some reviews from Amazon. This is from S. Lampard.

Honestly, this movie is amazing. I'll keep it brief and honest. Patrick, better than Reeves. Defoe, better than Hopper. Bullock, better than Bullock. What? Fuck.

Five stars. Amazing. That's a joke review. Well, wait, wait. To be fair, he might be saying that she was better than Jim J. Bullock's performance in the first speed. In the one where he gets raped in the van? Yes. This is another one from Ronnie Clay. Now, these are written back in the day. These are not new ones. Okay. America, y'all stupid for not loving this movie. Look up the word talent. It's better than Titanic, I'll say. Hold on.

It was fun trying to see those two guys turn the cruise ship hard to the right so it wouldn't crash into the other ship. What? No. What was really exciting was the cruise ship wouldn't stop once it reached the beach, and it kept on crashing into buildings and wrecking little boats. Five stars. Oh, God. I would like to follow up with that person now and be like, do you know that this is what you were doing in 1997? And finally- This is how you wasted your time. Hammy Big Fan writes- Hammy Big Fan. Dude, this movie rock.

It's got everything. Sandra Bullock and boats. That is why this movie is awesome. Those are the only two things that he wants. It's got everything. Sandra Bullock and boats. Is there another movie that has Sandra Bullock and boats in it? He must have been disappointed by... The Lake House. He loves it. Hope Floats, right? Or at least he was really upset by Hope Floats. He's like, it seems like there should be Sandra Bullock and boats. There's the two things I love in this movie. So those are some second opinions. Um...

If you guys have an opinion about this show, log on to iTunes and rate our show. It helps us, I guess, in the whole world of iTunes. It's an important thing to rate and review our show. And your views have been great already, but...

give us a rating and review. We appreciate that. All right. Now, would you even recommend anyone going to see this? I don't know. It's so, it's so long and so boring for long stretches of time that I would almost say no. There is zero excitement. And I saw it opening day. Um,

because I just saw every movie that came out back then. And I didn't remember any of it. I watched this, again, with totally new eyes. So there's not a single scene that is exciting. I mean, nothing. Usually in a bad movie, there's one thing that you go, well, that was pretty cool. Especially like an action movie. You would assume that at least some of the action will sell you on bad dialogue or whatever. It's bloated. It's bloated in every sense. It's a waterlogged. How about that? Oh, waterlogged.

I'm taking over. June, what do you say? No? I don't know. I think it's kind of watchable. It is long. It's watchable in the sense of it's not like a boring movie. I stopped it so many times. I fast forwarded because I was like, this is deadly. Yeah, the actual. I don't know. I would say if you want to watch it, just watch Speed 1.

Yeah, Speed 1 is better. Scott, this is a new feature we're going to do. Let's see how this works. What is your favorite bad summer movie? Like a big blockbuster that you felt did not work. Do you have any things? That's really bad that I like? Or yeah, bad that was like, yeah, something you might recommend. Like a Batman and Robin, a Wild Wild West, anything like that that sticks out to you? I love The Rock and Con Air. Those are actually like two really good ones to me. I mean, Con Air is not good.

No. Con Air is amazing. The Rock is technically a really good movie. I really like The Rock. The Rock is great. But Con Air is great. Con Air is great while being terrible. Yes. I mean, it is like... I love that movie. We, back in the day when Mr. Show was happening, we would go to... Named up. Mr. Show. We would go to movies. We get it. We know you do this guy, Mr. Show, whatever. Yeah.

We would go to movies dressed as whatever was happening in that movie. So Paul F. Tompkins, John Madden, B.J. Porter, and I went to see Con Air dressed as convicts in prison jumpsuits. That's amazing. That's amazing. Oh, man. Con Air. We should watch that. That would be a fun one to talk about. That's actually really good. We have to get back to Nicolas Cage. I'm a little worried. It's been a while. It's been some time since we've talked some Cage.

Scott, you have a brand new show on IFC coming up, which I'm sure you just heard in the air. This Friday at 10 p.m., Comedy Bang Bang. This Friday we have Zach Galifianakis in it, Will Forte, Andy Daly, Gillian Jacobs, myself, Reggie Watts. But every Friday at 10, but I hope people watch it. It's going to be great. So if you like the podcast, you'll love the show. And even if you hate the podcast, I think you'll still like the show. Hey, look, yeah. Look, I get it. Yeah. You're open to anybody liking the show. Sure. Yeah.

I understand. Watch it. Just watch it. Decide whether you hate it or not, but just watch it. Guys, watch it. By all means, let me know if you hate it. Immediately. Get on a message board. People can just tweet at you how much they dislike what you're doing. That's the best thing about Twitter is it's like everyone has your email. All right, so definitely watch Comedy Bang Bang on IFC. June, anything you'd like to talk about? No.

What about Burning Love? You're great in that. Oh, I forgot. Burning Love is a web series I did with Ken Marino, Janet Varney. It comes out this week, I think. It comes out this Monday, January 4th, June 4th on Yahoo.com. Yeah, and BurningLove.com as well. Yes. I've seen it. It's really funny. It's really, really funny. If you like The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, you will like this a lot. Jason, you're still in The Dictator. I'm still in The Dictator. They have not cut me out.

When does that happen? Because I'm waiting until then. Three weeks in, they're going to cut my part out completely. Yeah, go see The Dictator. It's in theaters now. I am on a movie that just came out on Friday on Video In Demand and in 75 movie theaters called Piranha 3DD. I didn't know it came out. Oh, this Friday. Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. So, Price, you wanted to see what happened to my character and how I became friends with Ving Rhames in the sequel.

Uh, you have to wait till about 30 minutes into a 65 minute movie, but, but, uh, you can watch it. It's pretty short. It's pretty short. It's about, I think 70 something minutes all told. Uh, and there's about 12 minutes of bloopers. Uh,

I do think that Piranha 3DD has one of the best lines in history spoken. I will not give it to you, but you can watch it. It's said by Katrina Bowden from 30 Rock. Will you do a podcast about that movie, do you think? I feel like... Or are you staying away from your own project? I feel like I would get in trouble on some level if I did that. I'm excited. I'm going to get that VOD. VOD. It will not be in 3D, but there are plenty of boobs.

Plenty of boobs. Plenty of boobs. Yes. I love that. There you go. I like at least three per person. It's all like a total recall. It's all three boobs. Scott Aukerman on Twitter. Miss June Diane on Twitter. At Paul Sharon Twitter. I'm not on Twitter, guys. Dave Steffi, thank you for pulling our clips. Cody, thank you so much for being an engineer. Thank you so much. See you later. Bye-bye. Time to wake up.

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Hi, I'm Ashley Flowers, creator and host of the number one true crime podcast, Crime Junkie. Every Monday, me and my best friend Britt break down a new case, but not in the way you've heard before, and not the cases you've heard before. You'll hear stories on Crime Junkie that haven't been told anywhere else. I'll tell you what you can do to help victims and their families get justice.

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