102: Car Crash Turned Train Wreck
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Grunty. Don't know what happened. I don't know. It's okay. We're doing a lot of these, so that's fine. They're not all going to be home runs. Let's do it again. We'll do it live. We are back with the Garf and the Sharkman. There we go. Garf and Shark.

Garfin Shark coming to you live, 96.3 The Buzz. You know, we got a great episode. Great episode. One of the things that happens in this episode is it's sort of, without giving away the details, is it's a little bit about like

things you believe when you're a kid that have to get kind of revealed when you're older to some extent. It's also about family. It's also about family. It's also about family. It could also be a Hallmark movie. Do you have any of those? Do you have any of those things where you, when you were a kid, like something you were like, Santa's a good one, but stuff I, I went on the road and asked a lot of these questions. And one of my favorite ones is,

was when you were a kid, did your parents tell you that if the interior light on the car was on when you were driving, that that was illegal? Yes. Yes. Do you know that that's not at all true? Just now I do. Yes. And that's one thing. So many people have kids grow up believing that that's like I've been driving and I'm like, I may turn that light off. We don't get pulled over. For some reason, I believe it's very dangerous.

I do too. And I don't know why. And if you're driving and someone does it, you're like, come on, let's hurry up. But while I'm driving at night, if the light's on, it doesn't affect me at all. I will still say it doesn't affect me. I'll go like this. Hey, turn it off, would you please? Come on. Very dangerous. Really, the idea that you can't... Yeah, the idea that you're unable to focus with that on. That's insane. There's so many. I have a very Midwest one, which is my... And I know she's listening to this. My mom told us as a kid...

we were driving to Wisconsin and saw a tornado. My sisters and I started crying. We're like, that's a tornado. My mom went, that's not what tornadoes look like. We were all like, oh, okay, I guess we're fine. That's a good one. I got an Eve Johnson lie that connects to that. Let's go. When I was in my 20s, I came home and she and I were driving around the city and we always went to diners growing up. It was always cheeseburgers and fries at some old school diner. Most of them have closed down, but it was like, that's what she and I did together.

and I was driving by and I saw a diner. It was just a classic Chicago, been around forever diner. I go, how about there? And she goes, you wouldn't like it. And I go, how come? And she goes, they don't have French fries. And I go, because it's your mom. Your first thought is you go like, oh, I went like, weird, I guess. That hole in the wall diner on like the northwest side of the city doesn't have fries. And then I go,

How do you know they don't have fries, mom? And she went, and then she goes, I'm out of practice since you've been gone. And I go, what do you mean out of practice? And she goes, it was just a bad lie. And I go,

when i was growing up would you come up with lies like that you go yeah if i didn't want to go to a restaurant or i didn't want to do something i would just tell you something and you would believe it i just haven't done it in a couple of years because you haven't been home rusty and i had a moment of like all these like if it was like a movie all the flashbacks uh and like being 10 and me going how about there and they go they don't have ice cream and i go i mean it's baskin robbins but okay

Yeah, pre-internet, we got that a lot of like, the bowling alley closes at four on Fridays? You're damn right it does. Okay, then you just go, all right, that sucks because I really wanted to go bowling, but I guess it's impossible to bowl anywhere in the city of Chicago. Yeah. Yeah, bowling's closed down this weekend. Everywhere. They closed bowling. And bowling's illegal now.

I on my last special there, I did a whole bit about that. And there was a guy who was raised to believe that birthday chickens were something you did for people's birthdays. And it was like a birthday Santa. Wow. And then he goes to college and gives his roommate a birthday chicken gift because he knew it was fake, but he didn't know people didn't do it. And so he gave his roommate like a birthday gift. He's like from the birthday chicken. The guy was like, what's going on? Yeah. Why are you happy? Right.

But anyway, that's the thematic part of today's episode. That call is fantastic. We got two winners today, and we have two follow-ups today that connect to the episode. And as we said, when this happens, it is our favorite. So check out our Patreon, patreon.com slash... Sure to help pod. We're having a lot of fun there. Thank you for watching. You guys are going to probably check out the YouTube on this one because there is some...

Funny reveals. Yes. And without further ado. Look out behind you. Hello. Hello. Hey, Kev. How about doing our intro with him? Caller, can you hear us? Yeah, I can hear you. I'm just fine. How's it going? Good. How are you doing? Good. Good. How are you?

I'm great. This is producer Kevin. Thanks for doing the pod. Can we get your name, your age, and where you're calling from, friend? No, bro. My name is Brian. I'm from Odessa, Texas, and I am 32 years old. All right, Brian. Well, what the hell's going on, man? Well, so I have a bit of a problem. I have two sons, four and two.

And they are both uncut. I decided not to circumcise them just for... It's not a religious thing. I don't think it's really necessary. Okay. But I am. Okay. So, obviously...

they're growing up and they're asking questions why is mine different i wanted to make it into a lesson and i told them that uh i got in a car accident because i didn't buckle up and i know it in the house hey brian brian they're four and two brian brian why did you decide that was the lesson i only told the four-year-old not the two brian brian yeah before we go deeper well

Why did you decide? Daddy was airlifted after a huge car crash. When your four-year-old said, why is my penis different than yours? And you could have said, well, I was circumcised. I decided not. You said you were in a car accident and your penis got cut down? I like the doctor going to the waiting room. So Brian's pulling through. Unfortunately, we did lose the tip of his dick. Oh, and then the mother. No! Pull back the sheet. Does that look like the tip of your son's penis? Well, I would say about 70% of men have been in a car accident. Yeah.

So why did you decide to do that lie? Well, at the time, he had a bad habit of unbuckling himself from the car seat and walking around. Okay, so you're two birds with one stone. I need to shock him into it. You want to reveal that disgusting head of your penis? You want to look like daddy? Buckle your car seat! Stay buckled or this will happen to you! I'll rip your dick skin off! Look at this! Look at it! Okay, so you've made a choice.

And then scared the crap out of that four-year-old. And he was like, I don't want my elephant trunk to change. I'll buckle up, daddy.

And you're like, good. Somehow I've done a good job as a parent. It's going to be one of those things that another parent is going to be driving your son and their son at one point and overhear the craziest conversation ever. You've got to buckle up. Why? Because if you don't, your penis is going to get ripped off. That's what's going to happen. That mother's going to be like, mm. Yeah.

Hey, Brian. Brian, so keep going. So you decided to lie to your son. That's why I'm calling today because, yeah, I thought problem solved. But now that when he gets into a car with people, he says, hey, you know, make sure you buckle up because daddy got his dick cut off. Well, no, he didn't. Daddy got his dick cut off because he was in a car accident.

Oh, can you imagine the other parents who have heard this who think you have no dick? Well, that is what's amazing. So someone had to have... Some other parent had to tell you that, but all the ones who haven't, who are like, Brian lost part of his cock. Do you know that guy, Brian? Yeah. He has no penis. He got ripped off in a car accident. Brian is such a nice guy. Poor woman. He's such a great guy, but did you hear that he lost his dick in a car accident? Well, you know, that's why his wife's so unhappy. Oh.

Have you seen her? Don't tell anyone, but Brian lost his genitals in a car crash. You want to know why she's so crabby at the soccer game? Her husband's penis got ripped off in a car accident. Oh, leave us alone just because your husband's penis is gone. Because he didn't buckle his seatbelt. Oh, I've heard this.

I'm telling you, all my sons wear DC belts. You might have helped the community. Brian was launched through the car and the windshield grabbed onto his cock and tore it right off. Pre-internet, this is how everything spread. This is an old wives' tale. This is how we got information. Yeah, a guy two towns away who lost his dick because he didn't fuck well. My mom would rub jelly behind my ears in 1983 and go like, well, the reason is someone's ear fell off from here.

By the way, why is this not how they do seatbelt campaigns? Yeah, so... If I saw, like, a Green Bay Packer, like, you're going to lose your dick if you don't buckle up. Yeah, without question. So, Brian, you're looking... The specific question is how do we reverse the lie, or what is the specific question? Yeah, to reverse the lie, just basically tell him

that it wasn't because of a car crash without kind of going into the fact that, you know, his granny and his poppy decided to basically peel his dad's banana with a knife when he was a baby. Right. Yeah.

By the way, that one sounds less crazy to me. Brian, you're a wild guy. Yeah, Brian, I think there's a way to find a middle ground in all this. You don't have to talk about circumcision like granny and papa took a knife to a banana and sliced up your dick. It's a medical procedure. They cut my dick's throat and took its head. I'll tell you what, my mom and dad, even Ken,

decided to have a doctor take a knife to my banana i don't tell it like it's a sad thing what you got to do is pour yourself a snifter of a drink and stand at a window and go na na and poppy made a crazy decision when i was a boy yeah you are not the daddy's penis it's not point zero zero one percent of people yeah that's very common so you're kind of saying the question is

How do we get because we got to get out of the seatbelt dick ripped off. Yeah. Is that correct Brian? Yes.

Yeah. Yeah. Basically, I want him to stop telling people that when they get into the car with us, because then I have to explain everything. And they all make jokes like y'all do. Yes, I think that's fair. And we're sorry to be like everyone else in your life, Brian. But what we are trying to do is highlight why this is an issue. I don't feel sorry. It feels like we were on a very natural path. I've had a very good time. Yes. So but the two year old does not know this story because he's two. So we just need to fix the problem with one kid. Yes. Correct. Correct.

Yes, before the two-year-old starts repeating the last one. So I got to go 100%. We do not lie on top of a lie with a four-year-old. Yeah. I think four is early enough to reverse the curse. I think we've got to try to do it. I think we don't necessarily need to get into the medical thinking behind the circumcision. But I think if we say...

Daddy told you something and I'm gonna tell you the truth because I didn't want to scare you before I don't want to scare you but when I was a kid a doctor did this to me because he thought it would be the best thing for my health and you know you could do you can actually pull it up online and you could read about it you could say like because it's not a bad thing there's just different ways of do it but the reason I didn't do it for you is because I want you to have a little extra cheese in your deck well I think the last part's an issue because you got to clean out that cheese a lot I'm gonna cut you off like Brian's doctor

I think you just should... I think Jake's right. I think you should have the adult conversation and just do it in a kid way. This has to be straightforward. Just be like, you know, I know you keep telling people about the story, but that's not the real story. What actually happened was...

A doctor did it because he thought it would be the best thing for dad. Here's why I'm pushing straightforward on this one, Brian, because the craziest thing that's happened with this show is that people take our advice. Yes. And that is real people being affected by this. So because this is a four year old boy, we can't even pitch bits. Brian,

You got to say I lied about the seatbelt because what's going to happen is he's going to be 16 years old and a fucking weirdo in the car with his friends. Yeah. And I had a buddy. I've told this before on this where a friend of mine's dad used to mess with him and tell him weird stuff like orange was yellow. Yellow was orange. Never correct. And like counting, he would say it's one, two, four, three, five, six. Just awful. And.

The guy's brain was never fixed. No. So because you when you're getting wired. Yeah. You do not concrete. You don't want to set a thing into a young man's world that a car accident. If you don't have a seatbelt, it's your dick. Well, by the way, this is there's already a shelf life on this lie. Yes. You know what I mean? Like they're going to it'll be ingrained in his. Yeah. But but he's going to have this moment.

Yes. Where he's going to be like... My dad's a weird liar. Yes. He's going to be around a guy and be like, did you get in a car accident too? Did you guys all get into car accidents? Funny. He's going to be in a locker. That's so funny. He's going to be... All my friends have been in car crashes. Or he's going to be in a locker room, see a bunch of dick, walk up and go like, hey, man, I'm just really sorry. For what? Your terrible car accident when you weren't wearing a seatbelt. I didn't realize how lucky I was to not be in a vehicular manslaughter situation.

So, Brian, you got to be a straight shooter. You got to end this today, man. How are you going to do it? Gareth, you're the boy. Yeah, let's practice this. Brian, you're the dad. I'll be your wife. And we're about to go pick up a couple people, and we're going to be in a car. Yeah, but Brian, straight shooting here, man. Here we go. Straight shooting. Something you can do, but your sons will have more issues with. Hey, y'all, I'm packing some ham and cheese for the car ride. That's great. I love eating in the car while we're going somewhere. You're the boy. Yay, sandwiches.

Brian's Brian. Hey, y'all, I'm just knocking some sandwiches for the ride. All right. Hopefully we don't get into a car crash. My penis is okay, too. Brian, honey? Yeah, no, that would definitely be a good thing. But listen. I don't want to get in a car crash. Okay. Yeah, car crashes can be dangerous, right? Yeah.

And we should always make sure we stay buckled up, right? Yeah. But not necessarily for that reason. I mean, car crashes happen and you can't end up on the side of the road, right? And that would mean you would die and that would be bad, right? It's very dark. Can I talk to you away from our son for a second? I don't think I want one of those sandwiches. I've lost my appetite. Hey, honey, he's four, right? Maybe let's slow down, yeah?

Well, we want to make sure he stays safe. Well, he ain't driving, right? He's only in a car with us, babe. And I always put a belt on him. We don't have to talk about him rotting on the side of the highway. I can't believe people die from that. What do you mean he gets out? What do you think he's going to just run out of the house and jump in a car? Brian, what have you told this boy? Listen, kiddo.

Listen. Yeah. I didn't. The reason mine looks different than yours wasn't because of a car accident. What? Yeah. I said that because when you were little, you were well. I said that because you kept getting out of the car seat. It's very dangerous. Yeah. And that's not good. Okay. And Daddy's sorry for that. But it's different because Granny and Poppy decided...

that he should have a medical procedure. And when you're older, I can explain that a little more, but that's it. There was no other reason. Brian. Yeah. I'm going to be you. You be your son. Okay. Gara, you be the wife. Okay. Well, by the way, I don't think I'm making ham sandwiches after that story. Why? It's just a lot of skin. Gross. Okay. Ready? Ready?

All right, guys. Well, the car's all packed up. Should we get going? I can't wait to see the event this evening that we bought tickets for online. Okay, little guy, let's buckle up. Can I have a phone? Great. No phones. By the way, you get it. That's real life. No phones. No phones. Buckle up.

Okay. Okay. Yeah. I don't want to, I don't want to get my wiener cut off like you. All right, son. We got to have us a little chat. So remember I told you, remember I told you that if you don't wear a seatbelt, you can get your wiener chopped off and that's why ours look different.

Yeah, that's why I wear my seatbelt. I don't want it to get cut off. No, you wear your seatbelt to be safe because you're a smart kid and we don't want to get in a car accident and get hurt. But the wiener thing was a lie your dad told and I am sorry. That's not what happened to me. Yes, I did, son. And the reason I did was because I was worried you weren't wearing a seatbelt, but now you're older and I trust you more. Okay? So the reason my penis looks different than your penis... What else have you been talking about?

Nothing. Well, a few things, but we're not going to talk about that yet. Okay. Listen, I don't have to wear my seatbelt. Son, if you don't put that seatbelt on, you don't get any screen time for the rest of the week. You understand? But I'm talking about the penis stuff right now.

My penis looks different than your penis. Son, son, if you don't wear your seatbelt, goddamn it, you're going to get your dick ripped off. I understand where you're coming from. Your son's wild. I got girls, man. It's a lot easier. I'm sorry, man. Here, I'll go.

All right, ready? You're Brian? Yes. Okay. Hi, y'all. I'm really excited for the night because the event has fireworks. By the way. But not all of it has fireworks. You know who's going to be there? Lorraine. And you know what, Lorraine? She was judging me like I was doing bad. All right, all right, all right. And you know what she said to me, Brian? Shush. You know what she said? She said, you're not happy because your husband- I'm going to have that conversation. Because your husband doesn't have a penis. I'm going to have the conversation with our son because, yeah, I called a podcast. I'm going to test out that advice. Because your husband doesn't have a penis. I do have a penis. Stop. Stop.

She said, I haven't been satisfied. Because my husband's penis was right. Stop it. Let me talk to Brian Jr. Get your S-H-R together. There's no T? Not in front of the boy. There's also no penis. Then why are you spelling it? It makes no sense. All right. Hey, Brian Jr.? Yeah. Hey, all right. So we're about to go in the car. So remember, we got to buckle up, right? Yeah, yeah. We need to get cut off. No, but listen. Here's the thing, okay?

That's not going to happen to you. The reason we're buckling up is because, you know, we just want to be extra safe about our whole body. It's not just one thing like that. And the truth is, the reason why my wiener looks different than yours is not because of anything to do with the car or buckling up. We do that because we just want to be extra safe. When I was a boy, about your age, your grandparents, my parents. Not his age. He had it when he was born. Shut up, hon. Doesn't happen in four. Shut up, honey.

He's four. Shut up, honey. I'm in the middle of something way better than yours. So when I was a little boy, your grandparents, my parents decided that they were going to be safe in their opinion. And I went to a doctor and that's why he changed the way mine looks. Now, I don't care, but I'm just not going to do that with you. So there's nothing to worry about. But the reason they look different is.

It's just something they did back then. I don't know. Some people still do it, but it's fine. It doesn't matter. I'm not unhappy because my husband doesn't have a dick, Perluin. I'm unhappy because my husband's an idiot. That was ridiculous, Brian. Why? You're lying again, Brian. I'm not lying. Brian, you take over. Neither of us are going to be the boy. You're you and your son and your wife. I'll be the wife. No.

I want to hear you do it and get us out of this, Brian. No more lies. You're you and your son. I want to hear how you can get out of this fast. You know how your son will behave, but you get us out of this fast. No more lies. Clean. That was a lie. This is the truth. We're moving on. Okay. And we are not going to talk. Will you mute, Gareth? Just the neighbor might stop by. All right. Hey, Boogerman, come over here real quick.

Where's dad? Listen, I wanted to tell you something about the car and the buckling and the car, right? Daddy's never been in a car wreck. He's sorry for lying to you. Okay. I shouldn't have done that. It was the wrong thing to do. They are different. And it's because I am what's called circumcised. When you're older, we'll talk about it more. Just know it happened when I was a very, very baby and no one got to pick. And you didn't get to pick how yours looks either. That's what daddy decided because it doesn't hurt you.

And that's all you need to know, okay? Don't worry about it anymore. And here's my phone. You can watch YouTube for a little bit. Yeah! Okay, there you go. Dad, that was perfect. And then you gave him the phone so he goes, all right, I get to watch Mr. Beast? Yeah, he forgets about it.

But now you have turned it. We're out of that. We're into this. And he's going to ask again. And you say that same thing. You're being honest. You're saying, and if you have more questions, which he will, you answer him. And you're like, but we're not going too deep in it. The procedure didn't hurt me at all.

Nana and whatever. My parents didn't do anything wrong. This was just my choice. And when you get older, if you have a son, you'll have a choice. But we'll deal with that all later. This is where we're at now. Brian, you crushed it. Yeah, I think that's pretty good, bud.

Thanks. Thanks. Will you do this and will you follow up with us? This one, I'm a hundred percent invested in. You got to do this and you got to do it soon. Yeah. Yeah. I'll talk, I'll talk to him tonight. Okay. And then will you call, will you follow up with Kevin and call us back? Yeah, sure. All right. Thanks. Yeah. And this is our advice, but it's also a tip. We'll see. Bye. Do you know who I talked to today? Yeah, you do. You know who I talked to today? Yeah.

Hey, come on. Yeah. Put it to me. I'm going to tell you. What? I talked to the Spider-Man. I did. You know Miles Morales is Spider-Man? No. I did talk to him. He told me something. What? He says I shouldn't fib to you. Why? Huh? Can I fib to you? Yeah, that's why we're recording this. So you can tell him, okay? So Daddy made a fib. Daddy's never been in a car wreck.

So Daddy didn't get his wiener cut from the car. Now I know. What it was is I had some kind of like medical thing done when I was a baby. Granny and Papi decided to do it. But you, Mommy and Daddy decided not to do that to you and your brother. Okay? Why? It's not. Yeah, it hurts a lot. Did it cut out your wiener? It cut the skin off the part of it.

Oh, like with a knife or scissors. I don't know, kid. I was a baby. I don't remember. But you should still buckle up. Do you know why it's important to buckle up? Yes, because you get your wiener. No, no. Well...

No, remember? I said that was a fib. And I'm sorry for fibbing to you, okay? You're going to get me, dog. Okay, but before that, I still want you to buckle up, okay? Because it is dangerous. Okay. Okay, kiddo. Want to say bye? Bye-bye. This season, get premium technology that inspires joy from Dell Technologies. Bring your most intensive projects to life with our most powerful XPS laptop.

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Hello. Hi. Can you hear me? Yeah, we can hear you. It's all happening. Don't you worry about a thing. Okay, so here we go. Ready? Three, two. Welcome to We're Here to Help, America's number one podcast. Don't look it up. Can we get your name? I'm a shark. Yeah. I struggled with going with my name or not, but just call me M. Okay, M. And why don't you call Jake Raj and I'll be...

debose for this call so let's just i'm raj you're debose that's right okay man m age that's cool age roughly age roughly yeah i'm 28 all right and jake will be 70 and i'll be 31 and uh where you calling from roughly yeah from chicago all right and jake will be jake's bohemian and i'll be i'll be canadian

Okay, great. M28 Chicago, what's going on? What can we help you with? Yeah, so it's kind of a weird one. So I accidentally got added to a random family's group chat about two years ago. Love this. Yeah, so I...

I initially tried to leave the chat. It was originally as like a Thanksgiving, like get together chat. And I thought, yeah, I had about 20 people in it. I was like, don't know any of these numbers. This isn't for me. So I tried to leave it. But I guess with iPhone, if it's a mix of like Android and iPhone users, you can't leave the chat. So I just deleted it and didn't think anything of it.

Until the text kept coming. And it's been about two years now. I can't get out of the chat. And I know what you're thinking. They did realize that my phone number was in the chat maybe six months in. And they thought they've removed me. But the person who set up the chat is not tech savvy. I'm sharing the screenshots you sent yesterday.

Awesome. Gar, if you want to read them. Cool. Sure. Yeah, we start. Well, Kevin's making me feel like 20 people. Holy. I mean, first of all, yeah, it's the little heads at the top of the group text is like the population of a city. Can you make it a little bigger, Kev, for me? It starts with a happy Friday, which is already problematic.

Happy Friday. I love you all, but someone is going to be mad at us because they are not part of this family and they keep getting our texts. And then it says the phone number. LOL, that's Clinton's number, but wrong area code, I think. He's a different area code. Yep. Okay, the number is blocked on this group. Got to start a new one, but it's that number with a different area code. No, do not start a new one. It's blocked from the group.

Oh, there's more. So then we got some more. Hello, family. I'm having a celebration of life for this person on this day at this location. Food will be provided. RSVPs, a lot more information. Please stop starting new groups and just hit add recipient. I got a pitch. Go ahead. Throw your phone into the toilet. Nope. You have tried. Oh, my God. What is that? A gumbo pick? Let me see the family. Blow that up, shark.

Oh, my God. What a sweet group. Very nice family. You guys, don't fall for it. Don't fall for it. They are nonstop texters. That is so funny. When I tell you, I get texts every morning. I wake up to texts from this group chat. And it's everything from when grandma's in the hospital. I mean, we're just seeing screenshots and I'm annoyed. What does this one say? Dear nephew? Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A dear nephew party? And then, Kevin, will you get that down? I want to hear what the original email was. I see this family is genuinely so loving and funny when they have sent her on school fundraisers I have anonymously donated. Oh.

When one who owns a brewery needed votes to win a contest, I had all my friends who know about this vote and get him the votes he needed to win. They're so cool, and I can't help but feel bad. Morally, is it okay that I have a window into their family? First of all, that is so funny that you have anonymously given money and helped him win a contest. You can't. Excellent. I feel like I owe them something.

You can't fight your good nature. Excellent behavior on your thing. You want out, but you're still being very nice and helpful. So then, Em, let me get to the core of this one because this is a great setup. You're a great person. I feel like I'm going to try to steal this idea and sell it as a movie that Gareth and I are going to write where all of a sudden, somebody in that family and you fall in love. Yeah.

It's a rom-com. So what is the specific question? Yeah. My question is, is it ethical that I know everything about this family without them knowing? And do I out myself or do I stay quiet? So let me ask you. It's been two years. Okay. Then let me follow up a little bit more with you. What do you want to do?

Do you like being part of this family? I kind of want to say nothing. I do. Okay, wait, hold on, hold on. The context is really unhinged. Em, hold on. Do you feel part of the group and does it make your life a little bit better getting all these texts? And I need the truth. Yeah, yeah, because it's a drama. It's a drama that I'm not involved in and it's kind of fun. Oh, God, I love this. It's great. By the way, I totally can relate.

That all of a sudden you're annoyed, but now you're part of it. And now one of your favorite shows is your texts.

Yes. See, I would. And all my friends know about it. I would want out. I would just anything where like I absolutely without. I want out from text with you guys. That's what I mean. I just the group text in general to me has gotten out of goddamn insane. Insane. Especially when you could just thumbs up or ha ha. But also even worse, Gareth, when you're around fringe people who feel like they do comedy for life.

When you get in the level of medium bits where you just go, you know, you know who will kill you on a group Texas, Steve Berg, Steve Berg. If he's bored, you'll come back and there'll be 32 messages and 29 of them will be Berg initiating a bit that he's just going haywire with.

I never get sick of the Berg. Berg is my family. The way this family is to Em, that's who Berg is for me. I'm into it. Give me all 30. But Berg will be like, gentlemen, I'm having a real barbecue. Let me tell you, there's some sauces out in the yard today. Has anybody ever made gumbo without any gumbo ingredients? Is it okay to eat stuff that falls on the coals? What is the five second rule or could it be a two month rule? I just found a nugget in my basement.

But M, this is not about us. This is about you. So you said something, and this is important, Shark and Gareth. She wants to stay on. I know. She's just wondering, and I think you should. She's just wondering, is it weird to stay on? And I got to say right away, you have tried to get off.

Yeah. I, you really have. I had a chance to out myself and I didn't. I, I do a hold on, hold on, Garrett. I want to hear what she says. What does that mean? You had a chance to out yourself and you didn't. Yeah. So it went like six months in when they had the, Hey, like this, you know, this is the wrong phone number. And they, the text string goes like the one person who set it up was like, yeah, I blocked the number. We should be all good.

And then the text kept coming after that. Everyone thought I was gone and that it was blocked, but I'm still getting everything. So I had, that was my one moment to go, Hey, sorry, you guys really thought you got it, but you did it. So now, but now I'm stuck. Now I got something. I got something. I got something. And it's something we could all do together. And it's not Moe and Pigly Gareth. Um,

I haven't even heard the pitch. Anything could be Moe and Piggly if we tried. How funny would it be if that family got a Moe and Piggly video? Oh, Jake. We're not doing it. Your non-pitch is a great pitch. I agree. A Moe and Piggly video? Explain what's going on. Hey, everybody. Here's the problem, family. Or, I mean, we could just. Go ahead with your pitch. Because if you're not going to pitch what I think, I want to pitch what I think you're going to pitch.

You pitch what you think I'm going to pitch. A video of you and me explaining what's going on, and we send it to the family, and we just let them decide. Yeah. Okay, but we can always go that road. Here's what I think, though. There will be, out of those 20 people in the photo, two might kind of get it.

And then the older generation will feel really like, well, get her off. This is weird. If your goal is to stay on, which I think it is, I would just consider, and this is a little bit weird, just start chiming in. Now, if somebody goes like,

Who's get like beautiful flowers like, yay, grandma, beautiful, go like this, truly gorgeous. And then somebody is going to go, who is that? And you go, this is M. And they go, who's M? And you go, I'm M.

I'm the woman who has been on this for years that I haven't been able to get off. But at this point, I'm happy to. Donated to this. Helped with the brewery. You guys are a beautiful family. I'm involved. They will then have a little meeting in the minds that go, this is wild. Then they can decide. If they leave you on, you're in. But I would just start responded. Thumbs up. I'm kind of close on that. And I think...

The way I could see this in my head is this could be one of those like CNN fluff pieces where it's like it all started as a group text years ago with the wrong phone number. And now it's like you're over there for dinner. But, you know, the Thanksgiving story that is this. Yeah. Yeah. There is about that. So there's a. And will you tell that story? Yeah. So there's this family where they same thing like Thanksgiving. And weird. I thought about this because mine started with the Thanksgiving chat. Yeah.

where they accidentally included this guy in the family's Thanksgiving plan. And it ended up, he responded and they were like, come over. It was kind of like a more than merrier thing. And now every year he goes,

to their family for Thanksgiving. And every year there's a, there's a think piece on it with photos of every year. This could be you, but it's like a 25 year old kid and like a grandma. Yeah. Right. And they just actually got close and now they stay in touch and their buds. And he's like, it's really sweet. And she's like, I love the kids. I got two. I got two pitches. Um, the first is possible. The second is nuts.

Here's the first. The first is share an event that you have going on and just that's how you chime in, because they're doing a lot of like celebration of life's nephew, whatever things going on. Yeah. Fundraisers. So I don't know. We don't really know much about you, but surely there's something going on in your life where you are. Are you getting a perm anytime soon? Yeah.

No, not me, but my boyfriend got one. Oh, I like that. So did mine. He calls it curling cream. It's not a perm.

Wait, hold on. Is this what men are doing of this generation? Did he really get a perm or are you kidding? You think so is the funniest answer. What is happening? Men are getting perms? Not a perm. I didn't get a perm. A wavy perm. Not a crazy one. I like that. That's cute. But what did he do? Did he go to a barbershop? Or did he just have some weird cream that he pretends isn't a perm? No, it's a barbershop. That's legit.

And wow, is cream in your hair if you have naturally curly hair, a perm? No, that's a cream. OK, all right. Anyway, and we'll be moving forward now with the rest of the call. Now that that's all. Thank you. OK, so that's my first pitch. Share an event. Be like, hey, I got a 5K coming up. Hey, we're doing a celebration of perm.

It would just be... Or just telling them. I think it's just inclusion. So it feels like this one is kind of posting a flyer too. Now here's my second one. And this is the one I really want you to do, but I think you're probably going to be pretty hesitant. At some point, they're going to do another thing where they're going to share an event, like whatever the fuck is going on. Show up? Show up. Wow. Attend. So I've thought about it. Attend. They...

They live... So the family mainly lives in Detroit and Atlanta. Not far. Not far. Detroit is not far. Yeah. My friend lives in Detroit. I'm from Detroit. So one time they had like a picnic on Belle Isle, if you are familiar. It's like a little island off Detroit. And I sent it to my friend and I said, what if you just biked by? What if you biked by and just, you know...

let me know what's going on. Don't start the weird, hold on. Don't start the weird bike buzz. Yeah. The bike by me is not the move. If I'm doing a family thing and I'm seeing some weirdo on a bike stalking me, I'm not thinking like, maybe that's the weird girl who's also stalking our text and it's adorable. I'm thinking, get out of here. Here's what I'm doing. I'm showing up with like something to the picnic, like the party sub,

or like a case of beer, something. And I'm going, hey, and I'm going around. And as people are starting to go, who is this person? Just go, this is a crazy story, but I ended up on your group text and I just love you guys. So I saw this. What is she just going to show up and not say anything? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Of course not.

I think if you show up, you have to set it up. You can't just show up with a big bowl of chili and be like, I've also third act. It's third act. Lloyd Dobler's boombox. Show up. Yeah. If one of them and her have a love story. But so I would say there's a show up play that I think could be interesting. But I think what you got to do is I think you have to start getting involved in the text and you just have to get in it. Now, you could go.

Hey, all in like full disclosure, I have been trying to get off this text chain for two years, but.

Because I think some people at the top might not be great with technology. I'm still on it. Disclaimer. I no longer want to be off. I love the family. I'm totally into it. I donated to this. I helped with the brewery. If you'll have me, I am thrilled to keep watching this family. And you know, this, you guys are a joyous group. I just want you guys to know you are part of my text life.

And at this point, I wanted to give another reminder. If you want me off, this is my number. If you're okay with me being on, then write like, heck, I'd even show up to one of these events and bring some beer or whatever. All the best. You guys are truly a wonderful family. M from Chicago. I like it. Let me introduce you to Moe and Mr. Piggly. Hey, everybody. I like that we're keeping the Mr. Piggly.

I like a shorter version of that is good. The person who loves crazy and me wants you to just show up. But that is the best way to sort of be like full disclosure, honest with them.

And then see what the because the responses could be really funny. And if I'm on that chain, I'm writing back. Ha ha ha. Two years. And then I go, but you donated money. You did this. Then somebody could write back. Welcome to the fan. And well, and let me ask you this before you decide. Whoa. Right. Let me before you decide. Like if you if they were like, whoa, no. And they started a new group text. Would you be OK with that? Are you OK with losing this family?

Whoever is. Yeah. I mean, it's that it's hard. Jake is answering like he's on the thread. I feel like I'm on the thread. Add us to the chain.

Come on. Only if we had like a show phone. You imagine how mad you'd be, Gareth. Furious. If you're like, 640 text messages about a picnic. By the way, show phone. Way in. Show phone. Okay. I'm in for a show phone. Let's get a show phone. So what is it you want to do? What are you thinking? And if it's a text to the group, can you do it now?

I think I can do it after this call. I think I'll take what you said and I think I'll out myself. Jake's asking if you can send it right now with us. Like type it out loud? Yes. Okay. Yeah. Oh my God, I'm so nervous. Okay. And then maybe in like an hour, come back on towards the end of our service and tell us the responses. Okay. So I'm going to say, oh my, I'm so nervous. Okay. So I'll say, hey family, just...

wanted to say that I have been on this chat still for the past two years. I know whoever set up the chat tried to remove my number, but it didn't work. But that is okay. I genuinely appreciate

Love you all. Voted for Arctic Circle. That's the brewery's name. Shout out Arctic Circle. Is it in Chicago? No, it's in Michigan. If you're near Arctic Circle, go get a beer, everybody. It's the best beer in Michigan. Voted for Arctic Circle. I had my friends do as well. Donated to Miles' fundraiser.

okay and i did it anonymously because i was so worried you know get us to the end of this thing and then hit send um love y'all would i wouldn't do a third love y'all what do i say no do i stay on yeah and then but but i would say i would say at the end

To be clear, I am happy to stay on. Very happy. Very happy to stay on this checks chain, but just wanted to let you guys know what's happening. But you guys are a wonderful family, and it's really fun to be a part of it, even though I'm not part of the inner circle. Yeah. Okay. You're also wonderful. Would love to stay on if...

You're the best. If you so choose, yes. Yes, I think that's right. You're giving them the option. And then I'll put a heart. I think that's right. Read it over to yourself. Make sure there's no typos or something that you said that you really didn't mean. That could be a really embarrassing typo that ruins this whole thing. And then send it. Send us a screen grab of it sent. And then can you call us back in about an hour?

Or Kevin will reach out or whatever. Yeah. And tell us what the response has been. Cannot wait. Are you sending it? Or at least send a screen grab of the responses. Okay. No, you got to call back. Thanks, Evan. All right. Talk to you soon. Bye, bud. Bye.

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Hi. Hi. Welcome to the show. We're here to help. What is your name? Where are you calling from? Age? And what is going on?

All right. My name is David calling from Toronto, Ontario, 30 years old, not totally relevant, but I guess I'll give that out. OK, and this is the first episode where Jake is not using a pen for his notes. He's got real cocky. So, Jake, you want to run back the information of our caller real quick? David, Toronto. He said 30 and then told us it wasn't relevant. All right. Jake's crushing it.

All right, David, 30 Toronto. I'm actually using a pen. Wow, you're more organized than Jake, but all right. Okay, so what's going on? I'll just read you guys my email that I sent over just because that kind of sums it up really nice. So there's a lady in my building who walks around and has a few snakes that she treats as little accessories slash pets.

Takes them around with her. Snakes? You said snakes, David? Snakes. Yeah. Large snakes. Yeah. Gross. Yeah. And she takes them out, puts them in the grass. I don't know if you guys saw the picture I sent over. Whoa. Oh, wow. Okay. Wow. Oh, my God. Holy cow. So this is a communal space where she's letting her snakes go. Those are massive. They're big. What are those, pythons?

Massive, yes. I don't know what kind of snakes they are. I don't have that expertise. It's right near a city bus stop. This woman's awesome. She can't do this. This woman's a winner. If I'm sitting there at a bus and some old lady drops some snakes behind me, that's a nightmare, man. Lady, you can't do that. That 100% happened. Oh, what? People at that bus stop won't really see because the grass will be a little bit long and then they'll turn around and be like, whoa. Yeah.

Okay. All right. Keep going. It's a great setup. Great. Yeah. So I think what I'm trying to do here is hit the sweet spot of, I want her to know that this behavior shouldn't be encouraged. I can tell you guys what we were told when we called the police and they basically just said, well, that's weird. Really? You're in Toronto.

Yeah, I guess so. Okay. So the Canadian police said, yeah. Sounds like a nightmare. There's a lot of snakes. Stay away from her snakes. That'd be our advice. And that's all they said. The actual law is as long as the snake is not known to be venomous or if it's under three meters, so under 10 feet, then it's fine to have the pet. And those are under 10 feet. Oh yeah. Okay. And so they're probably not venomous. Yeah.

Probably not. They seem pretty lazy and lethargic in the grass, I would say. So she just loves these snakes and when she walks around with them, you were saying, does she have them on leashes?

No, she has them around her neck usually. She's pulling the Britney. I will say her stance in the grass is very cocky. It looks like 1950s and the mean lady who's telling you you can't play stickball on the street. She, yes, yes. And she's got this attitude of like, what are you going to do? I mean, she does hold all the snakes. So it's hard for you to come at the queen. There is something attractive about her with the snakes in that position, that like 50s dress. It's definitely. And she's like...

i've got three weird snakes yeah yeah and where's she from international school yeah she was a professor there definitely 55 plus yeah it's no problem for jake yeah um okay so heard so the so boy so the so the problem is how do you get this situation under some kind of control how do you talk to her is that basically what you're saying

I don't want to talk to her if possible. I think what I'd like to do is kind of discourage the general snake comfort without really making myself known. I don't want to bring a knife to a gunfight here. You know what I mean? Yeah, I think that's right. I think that's right. I think this is a woman you've got to really try. She engages in other strange behaviors too. Like she blasts music. She yells at people. Hold on. What kind of music? Snake fights.

It mostly sounds like her praying or doing some sort of ritual music itself. Yeah. First of all, David, I'm going to suggest you move. In with her. And just submit to a life of joy. Lean in, baby. So she listens to weird chanting music. When you say she yells at people, what do you mean?

She'll go down the street on her bike and won't really regard the cars as the ones that belong there, more so herself. She'll be in the middle of the road. She'll be yelling. Yeah, she's a true wild card, I would say. Okay. And how close do you live to her in the building? She is one floor below us, but I don't know which apartment. Let me ask you this, David. Do you want this smoke? Yeah. Okay.

do you want this smoke you're entering a cage of snakes man she might be tapped into the other world with these chants yeah she's riding a bike challenging cars an older woman on a bike probably no helmet she's not afraid of an automobile or snakes i'll tell you what

I'll tell you what she's not afraid of is a 30 year old David from Toronto. Wow. Look at him. No pen flying with no wings. That's why I said the name. Yeah. I said the name. It's awesome. So, so is this, I'm just saying this right now. Cause look, we will pitch on your behalf, but is this the fight you want to get into? And there's a time where a government could say, you know what? We're not getting involved.

And everyone goes, you got to. We don't want that smoke. Yeah. Well, she's within the law. It feels like it's beyond them. Yes, it is beyond them. So the law is not going to help you, which means you're going to have to go outside of the law or enter a weird game of tit for tat with her. She's got three snakes in a grassy field, man.

This isn't a lady who parked in your parking spot. The question is, we're talking about the ratio of juice versus squeeze. How much are you going to get out of this situation? Because the juice is a fire hose to your face. Yeah. I mean, just her stance there just says, bring it. She'll never stop, David. You will wake up with snakes in your bed. I got two pitches. What? Agree. And I think you cannot put, like you're sort of saying, you cannot put a face to this.

You know the floor she lives on. Let's print up a couple signs that say no snakes allowed. But she's not afraid of the police. She's not afraid, but it just gives her a little complex. But of course snakes are allowed. They're under 10 feet. They're not venomous. Parmesan the lawn. Parmesan is a known snake killer. It ain't great. Nobody wants a cheesy snake. They're going to be Cheetos. Snake name.

So not bad, David, hold on, man. So do you really want to battle this woman? Yeah, I think, I think Gareth has it. It's like, I want to do what I can for the community, but I don't want to be the one taking the fall for the boys. Jake also has it in the sense that on being anonymous and winning, I just don't, I don't see it. So one thing you could do in that park at that little grassy area,

Is no snakes in the park. You know what you could do? This is a crazy one. You get a friend of yours to be at the bus stop when she's doing this and have them freak out at her. So you get a friend who's like someone, you know, who's never going back there and they call the police or they just go like, what do you do? Just make it a little bit of a scene and they never have to confront her again.

You know what you could also do? An American. You know what you could do? An American. You send in a goddamn United Statesian. This is the kind of problem we could solve. Well. So you know what you could do on this? Put a face there. What you could do here, and this is a way to get the police involved. You have a friend sit at the bus stop. You're hanging out at your house. Sees this lady. She calls the cops and goes, I'm waiting for the bus. I was nearly attacked by three snakes.

Part of the issue I have in this is that I don't want her to lose the snakes. She's not going to. She just has to keep them in her apartment. She's just not allowed to take the snakes from her apartment. I fear this might happen. What? Lose the snakes? That Gareth might take her side. Well, I'm not going to lie to you. I'm trying to be on your side as much as possible. But I love what she has going on.

I mean, I like snakes. But I hear what David's saying. The idea of a public area, a grassy area. But how much hanging out are you doing there, David? That's not even our building. That's what my apartment space is. So that's actually another building. And she lives in my building.

But that's the other building's problem. No one's saying anything about it. Your problem is you're like, this is crazy, which I get. Well, I've also run into her at the elevator or at the front door, and she has all the snakes on her. But the snakes have never done anything. It makes everyone very uncomfortable. Yeah, but they've never done anything yet. Yet, but what are we doing? We're fighting future wars? So how about this? I got a pet chimpanzee. I'm so jealous. Okay.

All right. Okay. I mean, I don't know what else to say to that. Take it easy. I'm trying to help. Are you okay? Just your face when I said that. I love when I can watch your gears turn. Because here's the point I was trying to make. Yes, it could be a danger to me. There's a terrible story about a pet chimpanzee. Yeah, there's a few, but there's one specific. That ripped a lady's face off. Yes. This was a nice chimp.

Raised as a baby. Yes. One day just had a bad fucking day. Yeah. So what we're talking about is wild ass animals. Sure.

You're in an elevator with three big snakes. You're hoping those snakes decide not to jump over you and strangle the life out of you. But what you're hoping for is the person who's going to stop it is this lady. I lived in an apartment once with a woman who, when she would see you, would just shout at you. Anyone.

And when I talked to my landlord, he was like, there's just nothing I do. There's nothing you could do. So the only option was when you saw this woman, you would just be like, eh, I'm going to go the other way. Or, eh, I'm going to let her walk by me a little bit. I just don't know. But snakes are dangerous.

They are if you're close. But she doesn't have three pet chipmunks. But she's not in the... They're in the same elevator. Well, then you go. I'm going to get the next one. So, Dave, what do you think about just avoiding her? That's not working for you. That's why you're calling in.

It makes not only me uncomfortable, but when people come over, they're uncomfortable. They're like, are there snakes in the apartment? Do they just roam around? I don't have an issue with her having snakes, to your point, but they should stay in her apartment, correct? Well, God forbid one escapes. Again, we're fighting a future war. You're not wrong. There hasn't been an escape. Or my daughter...

My daughter could reach to one of the snakes and be like, oh, my daughter likes snakes. She actually does like snakes, but I don't know. Hello. Hello. This is a trick. She's probably right that they're not the safest for an 18-month-old. I'll tell you what, they're not. That 18-month-old is food for a snake. You want to know what you feed snakes? Right.

Baby mice. Rats. You know what an 18-month-old is? A big rat. No. A human child. Too big for these snakes to eat. That's why the government put a 10-foot limit. I think we're in a tough spot, but here's where I could start pitching. I think signage

It has to be anonymous. And I truly think if your daughter wakes up at two in the morning and you're awake, that's when you put the signs up. Yeah. You cannot get caught by this woman putting the signs up. This cannot be a you versus her scenario. Otherwise you will have to move. A hundred percent. But I, the problem is, is I don't think signs are going to work. The law isn't going to work.

You got an 18 month old, so we can't pitch you getting some sort of an animal you bring out at the park. No, you don't want to incorporate some wild animal into the building who eats snakes. I mean, this goes against every fiber of me. Yeah. But if you were to have a pet mouse and you took it out to the garden to walk that and it got off leash and a snake ate it, you would have a case then to be like your snake ate my animal. Do not bring your snakes out here. I have an idea going off of that.

What if you put signs up saying missing family gerbil? It was running around. It got out. It was in the grassy area across the way. It was in the hallways. Very friendly. Have had it forever. Very sweet.

If anybody sees it, and then when people see her with the snake, somebody's going to go, what are those snakes? Or why not in that area where she is, put up some signs that say missing gerbil. Yes. Last seen here, call this number. And then do this. A week later, go like this. Missing hamster.

And you create that there's a predator. And then the next week you do missing snake poison. But it keeps going. You keep building up of missing animals so that people have to go, I got to say. I don't think she should be out here with snakes. I don't think you should be out here with those snakes eating everybody's pets. Missing bus passenger. Missing birds. Missing birds. Last seen at this bus.

I mean, David, this is a wild idea, but that could move the needle. If you start off with missing gerbil, then you go missing hamster and you're building up what you're trying to create is fear amongst the community of these snakes. And then you just put on a sign missing. Oh no. You say like little dog, missing dog, last seen my cat, missing cat, missing cat, missing dog.

missing ferrets. What do you think David, when you're hearing this? It's wild. I feel like it does incur a lot of risk to Jake's point when I'm going and putting up more signs, like she is going to see me. I know. Yeah. Turn around and snakes are going to be there. I agree. I, and she's going to bring those snakes to your door. Yes. Cause you're bringing your number. No, you're no, you're bringing these issues to her door. So she's going to bring her issues to yours.

So my real advice to you is the snakes are in the yard across the street. When you see her in the elevator, you got to avoid her. But if you're looking to bite this bullet, then we need to create hysteria around these snakes. Which even then, I don't know how much of a win there's going to be. Enough tenants complaining. Maybe. Maybe. I don't know. Yeah. I don't know. What about a journalist?

Reach out to the journal. Keep going. By the way, it's very interesting. Kind of similar to that one you had with the rat. Yeah, the rat and the cock. I love David. Should we see if she'll write a story? Oh my God. But that's an interesting idea to try to turn this into a story. The story might not fix your problem, but it will bring light to it. And that could make the city go...

You can't just have snakes in a field like this. Because the truth is, those snakes are pretty big. All right, let me ask you something, David. All right, we get a journalist. Yeah. Okay? We have a link to a journalist. We get a journalist. The journalist covers it. This woman, the city comes down.

shuts her down. She is unable to take her snakes outside. She maybe loses her snakes. How do you feel? I feel like shit. How do you feel about that? I feel bad, especially if there's an actual mental health concern, I think, with her. What if you find out things that snakes don't like and you quote unquote Parmesan the grass? Now we're getting there. What's a smell or a food that snakes... There's always something. Parmesan.

But there could be something that solves most problems when it comes to the ground. But if you could find something that like there are certain smells that you put in your house that like rats don't like. Yeah. The anti diffuser. Right.

You know what you could do? You could put like whatever, whatever animal hunts them. You could put like their piss there. If we're talking about my piss, I'm on board. Like a hawk. Yeah. So that they are uncomfortable there so that she goes, something happened and my snakes don't like this because right now it's a snake paradise.

You got to buy some hawk piss. But how do you turn this into a place that's not peaceful for her snakes? Because you know what is peaceful for them is their tank.

I like that. I don't know where to get such a thing. Kevin, you sell hawk piss. I got a guy. But honestly, this isn't a joke because you can go, if you're having like a problem with animals in your yard, you could find the predators. You can buy deer piss. You can buy piss. You put it out and it spooks the other animals to go like, we're not going there anymore. If you have too many raccoons, get a bunch of coyote piss. Yeah.

And they're going to smell it and go, this doesn't feel like a safe zone for me. But then we worry that she's bringing it back to your building. And then you got to buy more hot piss. Then you put the piss there. Because all we want is we don't want this woman to lose her snakes. Yes. We don't want this woman to start a war with you. We just want her to keep her snakes inside. Yes. That is not a crazy ask. It's not crazy. You know, we took this in a world of like, we got to the bottom of it. We would all feel bad if she lost her snakes.

But this behavior that she's doing is not a lie. I mean, she's taking snakes to a communal zone. So honest to God, what if we Google hawk piss? Kevin's already on it. Kevin, what do you got? What piss are you seeing? I just typed in H and hawk piss already came up. Yes. So a bunch of hawk piss. These snakes could go like...

Not interested. They could be acting irrational. They could be... And she could go like, something happened with this grass. Did they put new fertilizer on it? Whatever it is, they're not happy here, which makes that less fun for her. Ooh. Let her find grass...

blocks away where there's no hawk piss. A cheaper version is instead of those gerbil signs, signs that say the grass was just sprayed with a fresh pesticide. Something that would give her paws to let her snakes go belly down. Dangerous to animals. Yes.

What do you think of that? Just been sprayed for spiders. You know, no walking on grass. Just been sprayed for spiders. Yeah. Hey, I'm the architect of this one. Don't come to me. You had it. You had it.

You know what? Here's one of the worst feelings on this show is when you talk past the close. Agreed. When you got a winner and you've lost the other guy. But I think that's a great idea, David. What do you think of the idea of

Going to the equivalent of a Kinko's, whatever you guys have up there, even if there are Kinko's. Radges. You know, and forgetting proper signage and saying, please keep all animals off recently sprayed. Animals and kids, yeah. Dangerous to animals. Yeah, yes.

That was not a bad idea. I could even just make the sign and kind of give it to the building managers to be like, listen, I think you should put these up. There's a lady putting out snakes. I don't know if you guys. David, we're no longer anonymous. Yes. What we've got to be. We want the you've got to keep your anonymity. Would you what do you think you're going to do?

I think that's probably the right direction. I might have to think of what the sign would actually say. It makes sense, though, because that is like a grassy area of the building. It has some flowers. It's kind of believable, too, that they would spray it with something. 100% it's believable. I just had this happen in a park near my house. My kids and I were going to go in it, and there was a sign that said, recently sprayed. Do not go on for the next 30 days. So just honestly...

Something like that. They just didn't want your kids there. Or it was literally somebody in the neighborhood who just didn't want a bunch of people. But it works. It'll give you pause. And honestly, this was taped to a tree. Yes. Any sign like that will give you pause. So all you've got to do is have a sign that says, recently sprayed unsafe for pets. No bare feet, no pets. Yeah. You don't even have to say anything about what the spraying is. You don't have to mention spiders. Spiders.

But I think that would work, man. We no longer will power and fear to the spider issue. But I think if we do that, we have sprayed against them. That'll get us enough where it'll give her pause. Yeah, I think I think that sounds about right. And we're not then fighting fire with fire. We're not creating a war and we're not trying to take away this lady's snake. And we're not taking pies to Medusa's house. So what are you going to actually do it?

Let me think about the sign. I want to think about it more, but if I make up a sign, I'll send you guys a picture of that and then maybe a picture of it on that tree. Yes. And no matter what you do, will you follow up with us? Cause I got a feeling you're not going to stop. You're going to do something. Yeah. I'll let you guys know how it goes. There's that. Thank you, buddy. Toronto giggle. All right, buddy. Keep us posted.

Hello. Welcome back, M. O-M. Hi, friend. O-M-G. And this is going to be on the same episode, so we don't need a huge recap. We know who you are. You know who you are. What has happened since the text? So many of them have replied, and it's been overwhelmingly positive. Read them. And read them one by one.

Okay. Let me, but first do me a favor. Do me a favor just cause I don't want to rush through it. Read through what you wrote and then read through the comments and maybe send a screen. Kevin, can we put a screen grab at this uptown? Oh, you do. Sharks got him. Yeah.

You can read them and I'll share them. So go ahead. Okay. Okay. So what I said was, Hey family, just wanted to say that I've been on this chat still for the past two years. I know whoever, whoever, I know whoever set up this chat, tried to remove my number, but it didn't work, but that's okay. I genuinely love you all voted for Arctic circle. That's their brewery and have my friends do as well. Donated to miles with fundraiser, et cetera. So,

To be clear, I'm very happy to stay on the text chain, but wanted to let you all know. You're all so wonderful. Would love to stay on if you so choose. So I send it. Hold my breath. First, when I get back, it says, that's wild. A bunch of laughing emojis. You should have come out to the beer fest this weekend. Okay, keep going.

And the next one says, man, someone invite them to the cookout, please. Oh, such a win. Yes. The other next one says, thank you for donating and your support. You're in now. Oh, totally. Apparently I'm in and they keep coming there. And then is that a photo of you in the Cubs cap? Yeah. So I sent him a picture of me. Cause I was like, I feel like I need to, I've seen so many photos of them. I'm leveling the playing field.

So I sent a picture of me and they say, welcome to the fam. Whose number did this used to be? Then we go back into the discourse of wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. How did this happen? So we find out again that I'm Clinton's number with the wrong area code. And then I get it, which was, this was the biggest honor because they love sending their silly gifts and pictures. I got a, I got a fast and furious gift back with Vin Diesel. And it says when your family, your family.

i love it so m you now have to go to the next event yes and now well by the way you but also you got when your family your family uh look at that but also this is so perfect so here's what you do now because this is such a win this is maybe one of the biggest show wins we've ever had gary it's big right 100 yeah

This is as good of a feel-good win as you can get. I think what you got to now start doing is just be part of responding. Don't be the one who does it the most. Yeah, at all. But I would say one or two a day

If there's 50, you're subtle. You're just in the mix. You're just a seasoning. Start small. If there's a funny gif and you know it's going to win, fucking shoot. Agreed. Agreed. Completely. Fucking shoot. And then the next big thing, show up and say, what should I bring?

And now you are a part of the family. This could be a bigger win. It's great. It's a great story. How do you feel? You must feel some sort of relief and validation in a way. I feel, I feel relieved. Like I'm not like peeping in a window anymore. You know, I feel, I feel very good. I'm here. I'm in the house. And,

And they're also lovely, which is just like, I already knew that, but you know, it's always, you know, nerve wracking outing yourself after two years. So yeah. Yeah. Well, great. It's great. Welcome to the house. You've done it.

What a wonderful family. What a win. Hey, guys, let's get out of this one with a huge victory. Before there's a new text that comes from that family saying, get out of here, you weirdo stalker. Actually, you scare us. But this is a massive win. Of the great Vin Diesel. When you're family, you're family. In the words of the great shark.

Look out. Look out behind you. Congrats, Em. Congrats, Em. Thank you. Thanks, guys. Thanks for the hug. And then when you go to an event, let us know. Keep us posted. 100%. I'll keep you. Yeah. Keep us on the thread. And when you marry somebody from that family. Absolutely. We will be at the wedding. Without question. Without question. Or we'll do a video with Lamar. This is the cousin. Yeah.

Yeah, and you're like, he's kind of great. They're like, I know, you're perfect together. By the way, Jake, save it for the script we're stealing. I agree, 100%. Yeah, right about that. Yeah. Way to go.

Hey everyone, producer Kevin here. This next follow-up is different than the others. We received an email regarding last week's episode with Neil Brennan about the caller whose husband got really into bowling and they said we went too hard on bowling as a sport and it needed to be defended a little more properly. And so Jake and Gareth and I agreed

To give this person, a local Hall of Famer, by the way, two minutes to defend bowling. Because, you know, we should have both sides of every story. So, without further ado, here's Casey. Hi, Jake and Gareth. My name is Casey Murphy, or as my wife calls me, Big C. I'm a local Bowling Hall of Famer, and I own a pro shop in Springfield, Missouri. I'm reaching out because I feel the need to defend the great, majestic sport of bowling.

Now, I thought you guys gave some good advice to Kathy, but I think bowling is a lot cooler than the pod gave a grunt. First, let's talk about the two-handed bowling style Kathy's husband used. It's not an outlier. It's the future. 70% of new bowlers are using the two-handed style. It's not granny style. It's more of a side throw with two hands. Trust me. Google it. It's cool.

Bowling takes a lot of athleticism. The out-of-shape bowler is no more. Competitive bowlers are gym rats and have to be the master of speed, angle, and spin. We aren't just athletes. We are true artists.

Next, our apparel is the best in sports, hands down. When bowlers walk into a bowling alley, they are not just there to knock down pins. They want to make a statement, and what better way to do that than with a sick bowling jersey? They aren't just shirts, they are masterpieces of polyester. Planes, lightning bolts, and brightly stitched nicknames like Deadeye or Maverick or dare I say, Shark.

Guys, nothing says I'm serious about leisure activities like a shirt that matches your ball. You guys also took a lot of shots at bowlers for having a lot of balls. Think of bowling balls like golf clubs. Driver, iron, wedge. Based on the oil pattern on a given night, you have to have the right ball ready. The serious bowler has at least six balls, if not a little bit more. Kathy's husband was dead on.

Let's not forget about bowling puns and innuendo. Who doesn't love a good pun and bowling has the best? Walk into any alley and you'll see team names like the pinups, balls of fury, split happens, pen pals, incredible balls, ball busters, gutter sluts, just to name a few. It's not just about the score. It's about the fun wordplay that keeps everybody coming back for more.

Guys, bowling is not just a sport. It's a cool, pun-filled adventure. For example, my pro shop's name is Balls of Fame Pro Shops because the professional that works there, me, is in two halls of fame. It's a take on Hall of Fame and edgily replaces hall with balls. Classic. You guys get what I'm doing. I think I made my point. No one will ever question how cool bowling is now.

Big C signing off with the universal bowling motto, grab your balls and finger your holes.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt, and the associate producer and editor is A.J. McKeon. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio, and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh, and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. Additional artwork by Patty Holland. You can find him on Instagram at P-A-D-D-Y Holland 2004. And if you'd like early access to episodes, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com.

All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.