109: The Corvette of Sex Chairs with Andrew Santino
01:09:45 Share

Have you ever wondered who created that bottle of sriracha living in your fridge or how Birkenstocks 250 year old sandals are still cool enough to be in the Barbie movie? Or why nearly every house in America has at least one game of Monopoly?

Introducing the best idea yet. A new podcast about the surprising origin stories of the products you're obsessed with and the people who brought them to life. Take Super Mario, the best-selling video game character of all time. He only exists because Nintendo couldn't get the rights to Popeye. And the McDonald's Happy Meal? That idea first came from a mom in Guatemala.

Every week on The Best Idea Yet, you'll discover the surprising stories behind the most viral products while picking up real business insights along the way. We guarantee you'll dominate your next dinner party after listening. Follow The Best Idea Yet on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to The Best Idea Yet early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Pulse.

Hungry Root is the easiest way to eat healthy. They send you fresh, high-quality groceries, simple, delicious recipes, and essential supplements. It's like having someone else do all the planning and shopping, so you don't even have to think about it.

Hungry Root gets to know your personal health goals, dietary restrictions, favorite foods, how much time you want to spend cooking, and more. Then they build you a personalized cart with all your grocery needs for the week, including easy four-ingredient recipes to put those groceries to use. They've got fresh produce, high-quality meat and seafood, healthy snacks, smoothies, sweets, ready-to-eat meals, kid snacks and meals, vitamins and supplements, and much more.

Everything from Hungry Root follows a simple standard. It's got to taste good, be quick to make, and contain whole, trusted ingredients. I love Hungry Root. I've been using it before they advertised on the show. Some meals I got coming up, black pepper, tofu, mixed veggie stir fry. That sounds amazing. Curry tofu, artichoke stuff, mushrooms is really good. Everything there's, all their stuff with spinach is amazing. Big fan of Hungry Root. Big endorsement from the shark.

Right now, Hungry Root is offering We're Here to Help listeners 40% off your first delivery in free veggies for life. That's wild. Just go to HungryRoot.com slash Here to Help to get 40% off your first delivery and get your free veggies. That's HungryRoot.com slash Here to Help. Don't forget to use our link so they know we sent it.

And we are...

In the studio. Yes. Having just had a lovely session. The unbelievably funny. Man. Andrew Santino. We both love the guy. Love the guy. Have wanted to get him in for a while. He's doing so much stuff. He's great.

And he's great. We have great calls, a great time. He's got another podcast called Bad Friends with Bobby Lee. And Whiskey Ginger. And Whiskey Ginger, his own podcast. Both are great podcasts. And September 6th, depending on when we air this, probably airing it soon. Yeah. He's going to be throwing out the first pitch and singing the 17th stretch. Yep.

at Wrigley Field. Something you've done. Yeah, so let's see how he does. Yes, yes. He's got some nerves. Yes. Like we all do. Everyone fakes it, but that last second, you get scary. Well, and what better way... And so, yeah, go... And he's about to go on tour forever, so he's a great guy to follow. He's hilarious. But also, while we're talking about it, if we want to just soft promote the Patreon, as you know, in a recent intro, I talked about singing the national anthem at an event. It was a...

a medium. It's hard to do. And so people have reached out, so I'm going to be getting through the Patreon, getting some voice coaching lessons. And you're going to be doing... Which potentially could culminate... Before we go there, but on the Patreon, because we've talked about this a little bit off, it's unedited. Yes. The voice lesson. No, you're seeing... You can see the whole 30 minutes. Words and all. Yeah. Okay. Nodules and all. Okay. And then, well, we don't even need to say where it might go, but it could have a real Hollywood happy ending. Yeah.

um in the long run so that's that's that's my baseball world you guys but this could be a really big it could be big uh so for the patreon check it out you're gonna see gareth doing some voice lessons we're having a lot of fun there for the youtube please like and subscribe and do all that if you're a follower there for our audio listeners the the bass what's up

You're doing everything right. You're already there. You're in your car right now. Guess what? Just keep being you. And by the way, just to say again, if you want to go to the Patreon, there is a bit of, we did the Kevin Way and

You want to get that curtain peeled back a little bit and watch a little bit behind the scenes? I don't know if we should bring it up because this is the Santino episode, which means now we're probably going to air this one soon. We share this Thursday. Okay, Thursday. If you want some behind the scenes, it's on Patreon. Well, also then for this main show. We call it Waitreon. So then for the main show, then let's talk for a quick second what we're going to include because what happened was the setup was

We did the weigh-in. We did. Well, Kevin? Yes? Do you want to say what the setup is really fast? We'll try to do this in a few minutes.

The setup of having Andrew on? Well, the way in, the whole thing with the bet was Kevin looked himself in the mirror, didn't like the way he looked. It's happened to all of us. Kevin has lost a ton of weight. He said to us, you know what I'm going to do? I went to a trainer. This wasn't us pushing it on you. He said, I'm going to, I'd high enough for 25. We're like, cool. And then we said, why don't we make it interesting for the show? And he goes, fun. And he said, by my birthday, I'm going to lose 20 pounds. I'm going to weigh under 180 for the wedding. Yep.

So we're like, great bet. If you lose, you got to get in like short shorts, oily up photos. That's a recycled one that we tried to do with Berg for years. It's still a winner. Because we never finished it. We've never won that. We do deserve to oil Berg up. That's another show. You're agreed. What? I mean, I'll do that. I'll drive. I'll drive. I'll drive to Omaha. Road trip. Film it. Patreon. Then if you won, we were going to buy you a gift.

It started, Gareth had a really funny thing because Kevin told us the gift and he said, just so you know, there's been no text follow-ups about buying the gift. We had a couple last. But then, Gareth, there was a reveal that occurred and that is his birthday is actually tomorrow. And the weigh-in was yesterday morning on a scale and the wedding's not until the day after tomorrow. So we went, well, wasn't the weigh-in a little early?

Didn't we prematurely weigh you in? Kevin got pretty mad about that because he's been binge eating dominoes since. And I'm not saying that to be mean. I'm a binge eating. Celebrating. Celebrating. In the winner's circle. And then today, there was just questions from our side. Started talking. Guys talk. We're just talking. Just talking about...

Should the official weigh-in still be tomorrow? Did we prematurely weigh in the shark? I haven't pointed out that he texted us the way it was going to be yesterday, but neither of us responded. So I think we were having just fun. We were all having fun. Two out of three of us were having fun. I would say three out of three still at this point. Correct or not correct? I had fun, yeah. I would cut you guys off if it was not fun. And then Santino came in.

And at this point we were kind of like, the ship has sailed. It's fine. But let's ask. Well, no, beforehand I said, before he came in, I did set up. I would love to hear what Santino says, but I said, if I'm swaying it, cause I don't like when somebody goes, let's hear what my cousin says. This G's an asshole. He punched me. Is he an asshole? And you're like, why did we do that? Yeah. So I do feel like the setup was pretty clean with him. I could be wrong. Cause I am a salesman. I don't think I oversold, but you were jumping in. I was jumping in. We set it up.

We showed him the clip of the bet. Santino made the same face I made. There's questions. Andrew felt that potentially the weigh-in had gone too early.

Anyway, shark bit a little bit. Shark bit a little bit. We're we're that we're just backed off. We're buying him the humidor with shark on it. It's happening. Yeah. So just to finish up, we are we have decided because Kevin got a little unhappy. All of it's on the page. But we're not just, you know, that is what it is. You can see it or you don't see. You don't need to for this episode. But we ended it. It's over. And we decided in the middle of the call, I realized.

We push the shark farther than the shark wants to get pushed. The bet's over. There is no weighing in the shark anymore. It's over. The problem is when a shark sees food, it eats it. And the shark saw dominoes last night, and now he weighs 188 pounds. Anyway. And the shark will weigh 200 pounds by his birthday. And we welcome him back. We like our hunk with no chunk. We like our hunk with chunk. But to end it now. Yes.

We've gone a full circle. We've said we're not waiting again. So take that anxiety off. You have won. We are getting the thing. Thank you. So enjoy the episode. Enjoy Andrew and without. Further. And. Golly. Wait, really fast. Can we do it? Let's do it. If I am out of line or pushing, jump in. All right. And if we're going to lose a call, say it. Yes. And Gareth, if I'm up, jump in. Okay. Okay.

We did a bet that Kevin initiated. He said he's going to lose 20 pounds. You initiated. Jesus. Can we get an objection before you just jump in the court? He said he looked himself in the mirror. He was fatter than he's ever been. I think you look good. He looks great. He's lost the weight. So he said, I looked at myself and I said, that's enough.

So I'm going to lose weight. He went to a gym. He said to a trainer, I'm going to book 25 sessions. We all said, fucking awesome. That is good. He goes, I'm going to lose 25, 20 pounds by my birthday. Almost a pound a sesh. Yeah. Right. And then he said, on my birthday, there's a wedding. I'm going to go to that pound. I'm going to be under 180 pounds. Fucking awesome. Is that wrong, Kevin? I didn't say I wanted to be under 180 by the...

By the wedding. Okay. How tall are you? 5'10". 185'10 is pretty thin. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, he looks great. He said by his birthday. But it was all geared, his birthday is the day of the wedding. Mm-hmm. Is this all correct? Day before, yeah. Birthday is tomorrow, wedding Saturday. How old are you? 31. Shocking. But that's perfect. A lot of new gays. By the way, 31 for him, when we found that out, shocking. He's a young guy. No, but I thought you were younger. Yeah.

You did? Just because he carries himself in a light, happy, airy way. I'll also say the guy's got some success doing this at 31 years old. Oh, yeah. Well, dude, I have a 25-year-old kid on our... Your guys are awesome. ...on our show, and I can't stand him because we've given him the world. We gave him way too... He's 25, and he's making... 25 is awesome. He's making so much money as a 25-year-old, I am repulsed. Yeah, yeah. 25, what were you making a year, you think? Nothing. 25. Genuinely, 25.

20 grand? Yeah. Maybe 25,000? It depends what year. I can tell you. Waiter and bartender. I can tell you legitimately, I was making $400 a week PA-ing before taxes. My check was 767. 767 or 776?

After two weeks of work. So each month I was making, you know, near. And so this kid's making, and he complains sometimes. And I'm like, dude. Stop. Dude. Stop it. At 25, he moved out here and he's getting just everything thrown at him. Sadly, at 31, I wasn't really working. At 41, I'm really kind of. But 31 years old, I'm like. It's awesome. So really quickly and then interrupt because I don't want to lose one of the calls. Yes.

So birthday, wedding, under 180. Yeah. Or 180. He wins. If he loses, he's got to wear short shorts, get oiled up. We take some photos of him. If he wins, we get him a gift. Tasteful stuff. Sounds like a win-win-win. Right? But just whatever. We should do it either way. Just for fun. The other day we were doing a Zoom, maybe yesterday. Yes. We started and Kevin goes, I'm going to do the weigh-in, blah, blah, blah. Jumping in. We're just... I texted them two days ago. I said, I want to do the weigh-in tomorrow. Okay.

I didn't give it any thought, neither did Gareth. How much are you weighing right now? Right now? No, at the weigh-in. We do the weigh-in yesterday. I'm 179.6. Wow. Okay. They say... Well, hold on. I'm jumping in. We're not even saying. We're just positing. So we celebrated his win. As soon as it gets over, he starts chugging some drinks. Right. I'm starving. Starving. Yeah, he liked McGregor to wait. He really did. In the next 24 hours...

He's got a little rounder like show not fatter so swollen but UFC bigger you lose everything and then and then you yeah But like he's way he looks great So the question is has he celebrated too early are we able to have another way tomorrow? There's tomorrow and the weddings not till the day after you have to do the weigh-in on the day of the birth That was the bet

Isn't that the bet? Okay, so by the way... Am I confused? By the way, that's what I was saying and he's acting like I'm bullying him. So I said, I'm going to ask Santino. I go, interrupt if I'm bullying. I don't want to push you to an answer.

But that is the bet. That is the bet. And he just said. But we have tape of it. We have tape of us making the bet. And he said, I'm just doing the weigh-in today. So you're on a Zoom. Most of the time we do. Play the tape of the bet. Just so he can see the wording. And then we'll see what he says.

I saw a number that I have never seen on a scale that I didn't like. What's that number, Kev? Two zero zero. What are we hoping to get to by when? And so maybe as a show we can keep track of. 180 by my birthday, August 23rd. And then if you do not hit it, do you agree to a photo with short shots? So what is, so what are you? Just your true thoughts, Santino. Today's my sister's birthday. Okay.

Kevin's birthday is tomorrow.

Please, the same exact look I did was his. I don't want to bully, but I did. Well, and this is also, I'm a bad barometer because I am a bully. So this is like. No, you're not. But I'm siding with you, so now I sound like evil because I said when I, you look, you do look really good. Handsome. Thank you. Way better than you did in this clip. And that's a prize in itself. Yeah, but hold on. So what do you, you're deep down, if you're the judge. Got to weigh in tomorrow. You got to weigh in tomorrow. I totally agree.

Do you totally agree? Cause you lost some fat. Oh, see, he's in a race saying I'm happy to, he's doing a video. He turns his camera. He goes, I'm really happy doing this podcast. I guess they ruined this for me. I don't, it's not picking. It's,

I just think we did the weigh-in early. That's the best. You agreed to it, though. I texted you and said, we're doing the weigh-in tomorrow. What did we say? Neither of you responded, which to me is... Confirmation. Yes. Well, time out. Why did you guys do the weigh-in a day early? I have no idea. I didn't even think about it. We were just doing calls yesterday on Zoom. Okay. So he just said, hey, I got something for an intro. We're trying to do intros. Somebody take something, take the lead. Yeah. He goes, I got something. I'm going to do the weigh-in. And we went like, all right, then...

Part of it was fun. We could see his reflection. He was standing on it. We saw him a little underdressed. It was fun. And then he hit the number and celebrated and told us what gift he wanted. We didn't give it any thought. Gareth brought up today that we haven't texted at all about following up on the gift, making fun of us for being assholes. He's like, the fact that we haven't texted once, then we started asking questions about

But the wedding's for two days and your birthday is tomorrow. What's the gift, by the way? Humidor for cigars. How much are the, I don't have no conception. Is that a fancy gift? Maybe 75 bucks. Oh, guys. Just give him money. We've been discussing this for 45 minutes, Andrew. I lost 20 pounds and we're debating this like I'm in court.

We will. We should just give it to him. That's a good point. We can. Yeah, we will. No, no, no. You know what? But it's not right. How about this? It's enjoyable. I have a good break. He buys us one. You weigh in tomorrow. Yes. I, Andrew Santino, regardless, I'll buy you the humidor.

I'm dead. I am a hundred percent serious just so I can get some peace in the room. No, I'm buying it for you. I'm genuinely going to buy. I'm looking me in the face. I'm going to buy it. I swear to God. And then you still have to wait until tomorrow to continue this second half of this. So then all parties are satisfied.

Is that fair? I think that's good. I just would have ate significantly less Domino's yesterday had I known there'd been another weigh-in. He did the UFC thing. He hit the weigh-in. Right, and then he went nuts. He partied. Which isn't bad, but this was all about the wedding.

Yeah. So what I said to him is, what if you lost all the weight by August 1st and then at the wedding you weighed 250? Do you consider you won or did, you know, whatever the gift is, we can get you the gift. I just think we should do another weigh-in for sure. I think we should film it. I would like to know your real weight at the wedding. Woof, woof, woof, woof.

You're getting it. I don't know what you're wearing. Collars are in the waiting room. All right, let's do it. Okay. God, he's a little pissed. He's actually not happy. I'm buying you the humor. Will you send me a link to which one you want? Sure. You have my text. Hello.

Hello? Gar, if you want to start? Sure. Hi there. Welcome to We're Here to Help. Hi. Hi. How are you? There's a little tension in the room, I'm not going to lie, but that's fine, and we're going to fight through it because we need to help you. But if you have any pitches on how to help Kevin right now, that might be good, too. But what is your name, age, and where are you calling from, please?

My name is Noah. I'm 33, and I'm calling from Banfield, British Columbia, which is a tiny little town on the outside of Vancouver Island. On the outside. Well, I'm not going to lie. You have Jake. You know him from the show. You have me, Gareth. And we have a killer today, someone we've been trying to get on the show for a while. So you better have a great problem.

Because we got a great solve. Because we have the phenomenal Andrew Santino is joining us. In studio buying Shark a humidor. I will. Hey, buddy. I'm definitely not looking up that name right now. Have we pushed too hard? Holy shit. Holy shit. We get him the humidor. We have. Without question.

Okay. But no, I'm going to buy it. I think we'll give him three humidors and I think we'll throw humidors at this problem until it feels better. So what's going on, Noah? What can we help you with? All right. Uh, so I manage, I'm one of the managers at this, uh, little restaurant, uh, in this tiny town. Uh, last year, uh,

kind of at the beginning of October, the manager was in contact with one Albert Kiggy. For about six weeks, they were messaging back and forth. They were looking for a place to cater their 85th birthday party. They were messaging like pretty detailed things about like food allergies and payment methods. So it seemed pretty legitimate. We ended up prepping this like giant amount of fried chicken and mashed potatoes and salad. And we booked like the local water taxi and packed

Packed it all up and brought it over to the confirmed address, and there was no one there. And it turns out it was a scam. No Albert Kiggy. No Albert Kiggy. This is an interesting hustle. Yeah. Well, it's purely, it's not a hustle. It's so mean-spirited. It's just mean. Yeah. Did you guys take a deposit? Yeah, what's the end goal?

I don't know. No, there was no payment. We kind of learned then to be like, we need to start taking payment upfront for this kind of thing. We ended up just hosting like a fake birthday party at the actual restaurant. You know, people made cards like, screw you, Albert Higgy, karma's a bitch. We ended up hosting and the community kind of showed up and it was a really lovely night. It's coming up again.

And I wanted to ask you guys, I love when you party plan. And I was like, how do we, how do we lock this in as like a yearly tradition? Uh, it's going to be his 86 party. I was thinking maybe like, wait, hold on. No, no, no, no. I got it. You're going fast and I'm getting confused. Are you getting all this? Okay.

Pretty much. What I assume is he's saying it's the year anniversary of this event, correct? When somebody said, book this event, they did the thing, no one was there. Yes. But you're not talking to Albert. Yeah. It's just a year later. They want to now make a holiday out of Albert Kiggy Day. Right. Okay, gotcha. There is an article, I'm jumping in, Noah. There is an article written about this event too, so I'm showing the guys that too. Okay, so you're right on the water here. Beautiful. It is beautiful.

And you're going to have an Albert Kiggy event again. So your restaurant is going to kind of use this as a way to get some press out of the prank that happened. Well, yeah, it's just like a fun event the summer. Like we're a tourist town, so it's been like ridiculously busy. And so this is kind of like a nice kind of end of season party, maybe for the locals, maybe for who's left in town. But I just kind of want to like lock it in as a tradition and kind of blow it out this year. Well, I got to say something first.

100% Kevin, no way in. It's over. We're done doing the weights. You won. Yeah, yeah. This went sideways. You win, okay? Yeah, yes. You get the humidor. I've never seen the shark like this. I'm not surprised by us. Whatever we do, we do. We were putting humor in humidor. He was getting mad. It's over.

Yeah. You're not upset at me. No, no, no. You're the hero. He's mad at us. He's mad at us. And can I say something to the caller? What's this gentleman's name? Noah. This is Noah. Noah, is this just a plug for this whole thing? Yeah, pretty much. Because this sounds awesome. There sounds like no problem. It sounds like he's just plugging Banfield Restaurant. It sounds like he wants more people to show up. Yeah.

This doesn't sound like an issue. We absolutely do not need more people to show up. We're maxed out. Okay. All right, now. We get it. Okay, now. Things are good. I like when you guys party plan and your ideas are awesome. We'll get to that in one quick second. No, but I do want to say 100%. Yeah, yeah. 100%. I pushed too far. Don't apologize. No, I'm apologizing. I did it to you after the Patreon night, too. This was on me. I should have let it go.

When I saw Santino's face do the Chicago thing that I was doing, I realized it's a sickness. Yeah, it's sick. It's sick. You know what? We're wrong. We're wrong. Because who cares? Don't say, no, Andrew, you've done nothing wrong. No, no, no, we are wrong. It was his face when he went. He gave a face. And the face was. The face was pretty good. We gotcha. We gotcha. Yeah. And it wasn't as much fun for him.

I want it over. So you win the bet. It's over. We're never weighing you again. And what we should have done was we should have said we want the weigh-in the day of the birthday. 100%. We let him go to the winner's circle and eat pizza and probably drink whiskey. And the first thing he drank was a banana smoothie. He said Domino's last night. He had Domino's. Yeah, but Santino, you're right that this just feels like a plug. What is the problem?

Is this just a... He just wants us to try to punch up the anniversary. Yeah. Yeah, because there's definitely a win here for you. There's a win here for you to make this a bit more of a thing. Yeah. I know when we asked if, you know, you needed more people, you definitely got a little defensive. And you pointed out that things were real good. Yeah.

Sort of feels like when you're just like make fun of a man's penis. He's like, like, it's like Trump. Like, trust me, there's no issue down there. Right, right. Well, maybe we could celebrate and create who this Albert character is. That's kind of what I think. And it could be more about because, look, you're having the night. People are coming. It's fun. We could. What is his name? Albert Kigley. Kiggy. Kiggy.

You got to hire a guy. You have to hire someone to play Albert Kiggy. You can find an old man local actor who comes, he's making an appearance, like Groundhog's Day. At a certain point, he shows up. Someone's got a megaphone. All night, he's coming. Will he appear? Will he not appear? If he appears, what does it mean? Do a Kiggy drive-by on a boat. There's Kiggy's boat. Kiggy's boat is great. But if he appears,

appears, everybody gets a free shot of something. Oh, the very good. I like that. Get all night about like, is he going to come? No one thinks he is. You do fake drive bys. It wasn't him. And at 11 o'clock at night, you get an old man extra to come in. Very good. Why? I have an announcement. OK, I like this a lot. Why don't we set it up like this? Why don't you say you have really big news? Albert Kiggy

is real and is coming to the party that night. And so the event is now actually for Albert Kigge this year. - Yes. - You don't hire an old guy, you hire a younger guy to dress old. And when the party's kind of wine- - You trying to get that out of this? This isn't a great gig, man.

I used to do kids' birthday parties. This is what happens. So then you dress this guy. I think have him come in on a boat, but make him the villain. And then right at the edge of that dock there, why doesn't everyone get to throw bread at Albert Kiggy into the water or something like that? Because he missed the party.

And then you should create like squares, football squares. I don't know. Oh, yeah, yeah. You should do squares over when Kiggy arrives so someone can win money on that. Yes. You can have a Kigly Wiggly, a shot that we're all familiar with. But you know what we could do if you do the young person dressing up as Albert?

The first guy comes and then it's revealed it's not him. You do the Scooby Doo. And he goes like, I'm just a young man. Then a woman does it. Somebody else. Yes. And at the end of the night, you've got a guy at one 30. So everybody else went home and old guy shows up and he goes, I am Albert Kigley. Drink the Piggly Wiggly, whatever it is. Everybody gets a shot and it's over. One 30 is too late, but yes. But you know what?

whatever it is. There's going to be like one guy like, I don't really care. Yeah. Who's Albert Kiggy? That old man, the actor is going, do I drink and eat for free? Yeah. Here's the beautiful spin. This guy, we do a, who's, Albert Kiggy shows up a million times over the night, a ton of times over the night.

The bar is empty. No one's there. There is one man at the bar. Our actor runs in. The guy at the bar is actually Albert. I was there the whole time. That's fun. That's fun. Like a mariner. What do you think, Noah?

I think them being there the whole time should, should there be like a, some sort of commonality between all the costumes or just like vastly different? No, no. I like there's a thread. There's a through line. Yeah. So what do we know about the actual, nothing? Well, the first Albert, when he was planning it, nothing.

No, just the name, right? 85 year old man. He potentially had 50 other friends that were around that age that we're all going to. By the way, by the way, this prank, it's really funny. I mean, it's horrible, but it's really funny. Really weird. It's weird. They showed up on shore with chicken and potato. Or have you Googled the name? Did he pass?

Yeah, I thought that was my first thought is he dies. Yeah, my first thought is that he died, that you guys are mad at this guy. You're following, have you done a quick Google search in the area if there was an old man that died last year named Albert? Oh, yeah. We were looking it up. We had someone comb through genealogical websites and it doesn't even have a real last name. It doesn't, it's nothing. What a weird friend to fuck with a Western. Yeah, what is the end goal? What does the person get out of this? They weren't even here to witness us showing up.

The restaurant might have wronged them at some point. Or here's a pitch. Or it's just, this is fucking great. Look what it created for you guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, what a great world. Inside job. What if we turn the party into an episode of, like, Clue? Whodunit. Yeah, right. So the night's going on, everyone's having fun, and then all of a sudden, like,

The doors lock. The lights go off. And then somebody grabs a mic and go like, last year, you guys came for a fun event. But really, this was about blah, blah, blah. You know what serial killers do? They revisit the site. Yes, always. We have evidence.

to prove that the actual Albert is here tonight. That's great. The doors don't get a murder mystery turd. A murder kiggy. And you have a few actors who are setting it up. Yep. And maybe what you're going to get, Noah,

is a reveal of the real actor. Maybe just imagine you get a couple actors heightening it. It's funny. And then somebody's there being like, and then it's some 17 year old who goes like, I never thought it was going to get this big. I feel terrible. Maybe. I like the murder. I don't think so. No, I'll be honest. Not at all, but it's fun to play, but,

Why not? Why not do it like that? I like the idea of doing it like a murder mystery. You can assign someone as the actual Kiggy that night. Noah, you're the MC. Yep.

Yeah. What's your position at the restaurant? I'm a kitchen manager, but I also bartend and serve and I host the trivia nights here. Jack of all trades. Yeah. Trivia night right there. You like the mic. And so, no, when we're coming to you. I'm a little ham. Yeah, we know you are. When we're coming to you and we're talking about either old Albert showing up or a murder mystery, what are your thoughts?

So you mentioned kill him off. Are we going to like lights off and then there's like a dead body on the ground? I wouldn't do that. Stranger, like a hooded stranger at the bar the whole night. No. Okay. I would say what you're doing is you're just taking the murder mystery model and you're applying it to who, instead of who's the killer, who's Albert Kiggy. And that you have reason to believe Albert's in the room right now. Yes. And you're trying to apply pressure that,

We have insider information that the actual person showed up tonight. We would like you to reveal yourself. What I would do is I would prep it by having someone there definitely be Albert Kiggy. Maybe you don't want to make... Maybe you make it so... I used to do these fucking murder mystery boat cruises in Boston. Things were good. And what you'd do is you'd have seven prototypes of who...

people who are getting interviewed as the murderer. So maybe you have seven different people playing, saying they're Albert Kiggy. And then you have the people who are there going around interviewing, asking questions with like whatever you've prepped as far as the reality of the guy. And then they're trying to figure out who the real Albert Kiggy is.

Do you think there's any chance the guy's going to just for a second, just entertain it? It could be wrong. It's wrong. I know you're saying it's wrong. It's wrong. You're being extra confident because he's here. If he wasn't here, you might get into this. I don't. I don't. I don't either. I don't either. I like the idea. I'm mad. So somebody in this small town hates this restaurant or loves. But why do the because it's a burgers and fries? It's a great show.

This makes for great fodder. Yeah, but the first year, he didn't realize they were going to do it every year. Well, yeah, because he probably thought, no way they'll do this. Yeah. But now this is turning into something magical. Yeah, but the first time, he's making them cook 50... It could have been Noah. Noah might have done it. Wait a minute. Noah? Noah? Albert Kiggy? I was going to suggest that, that Noah should actually be Kiggy.

Oh, that could be good, too. You should be kicking. You say you're a ham. You want to do the thing. Yeah. I still think you need to find the through line. Maybe you guys are. It's got to be one piece of a thing that everyone has that people in retrospect are like, oh, my God, that's he had a you know, she also had a bone to pick with the rest. Like I was wrong. Before we get into the fictional world for a second. How big is this fucking town?

The island's big. This town, we've just got a paved-ish road out here. But over the winter, it's like maybe 200 people over the winter. This is what I'm saying. So I would love this thing to end with a reveal. Mm-hmm.

And I know it's probably not. I know we've already given good pitches. Yeah. The idea of an old man going through, we don't have to crack every single detail of the riddle. That's on Noah. Right. That's on you, bud. Come up with the story. But like whatever the story is going to be. But I don't think the story should just be, I don't think everybody should be in on the fun of it. I don't think it should be silly. I don't think it should be like Albert's here. I think the feeling has to be, you get a little bit of a stomach ache and you think,

The fuck is going on? Yeah, and what's going on is somebody did something really shitty last year and we know you're here right and everybody goes like this isn't fun and it wasn't fun last year when you nearly knocked us out of business Is this a mistake yes, but Imagine if it works and Noah you get some fucking rap to go like this. Yeah, I find I

Who is this guy? Sorry. It was me. You Scooby. If you imagine if he Scooby-Doos the ending. But what did the guy do? Fine. It was me all along. I did it. I'll tell you why. Because you guys think you fucking run this island. And we do. And we. This is Bamford Fish and Chips.

We run this island, baby. That's who I want to reveal. The fucking competitor who's got fish and chips. And you guys have come in there with your PR stunts calling podcast. And you're rooting what was pure about the island. And they're going to fucking bleed you dry. And you guys are dopes. Albert Kigley, 85 years old.

But if we can get that man just to admit it. It would be huge. Oh, yeah. Huge. You'd make a paper here in the States if you did that. Yeah, the mainland. Yeah. And so, Noah, here's what we got for you. You hire young guys to look old, and you have something where they go by in a boat, and you throw bread at them or something. I love the bread throw. Because it's harmless. But you do that, and they're out there all night. Maybe he appears. I like the idea that Santino said about the...

the Kiggly Wiggly or whatever the shot is. Yeah, the Kiggly Wiggly shot. Everybody gets a Kiggly Wiggly shot. And when you see the actual Albert, everybody gets a free shot. That's fun. You could do the murder mystery evening. Love it. Where the vibe changes. You're trying to reveal. You could do it silly or you could do it light. Yep. I think kind of...

A little bit serious. Yeah, a little bit weird. Because it's got to feel like... Yeah. Because it can get too hammy if it's murder mystery, which is fun, but I think it could be cool if half of the people are questioned. They're like, what is kind of going on? Because if it's hammy, what's going to happen in a bar is you got 10 seconds. Yeah. People are talking and they go, yeah, so... And then you start doing the thing and they go, anyway, so yeah, yeah, yeah. And everybody's talking. You're on a mic trying to get attention and no one's going to give it to you. Yeah. If it's real, people go...

Oh, the guy who did this last year is in this restaurant right now. And then they go to the table and they go, they look around and they go, was it Gareth? Did one of you fuckers do it? No. I didn't do it. Not me. And then one table goes, I didn't do it. One guy goes like, who even cares who did it? Oh, this guy. What do you know, Steve? I don't know nothing. Oh, should we say Kiggy? And if you could reveal that to Noah, what do you think you're going to do? Where are you actually at?

It feels like leaning into the lack of information is like just keeping people on their toes because you keep saying like the real one. But we we can like set it up at the beginning so that, yeah, we're having this party. We hope he's going to show maybe he'll show and then throughout the night, like throw in a bunch of these ideas, like have a bunch of fakes and a bunch of people who will be very vocal about their ideas.

misgivings with the restaurant and then but I got to reveal at the end I want to like tie it together I think the drive-by on the boat we can definitely do we might even use like the you know our I got something Noah Noah yeah

offer a reward that's good so it's all going throughout the night and in the middle of the night and you put this in there you go if you're the real guy and you can prove it because we got the emails you need to give us something specific give you a thousand dollars cash cash and then guess what if somebody admits it you go usd yeah you go like this they go can i get the thousand bucks they go yeah after you pass the 13 grand we lost on burgers so now you owe us 12

thousand dollars you fucking rat you're kiggly how much was the initial loss uh what was the financial hit

Oh, like we... I mean, it was just, you know, the prep hours of all the food prep. But we ended up, you know, like recouping it by opening up and people like, you know, could buy the food, you know, the next night. Like we... That was their initial thing was that, you know, we'd made all this food, had no party to cater for, and then opened up the restaurant and then, you know, the foodie showed up and helped us recoup some of the losses. So maybe a couple grand in labor and... But that's really it. I think... I also think if you end... Like, I think if you're thinking about this, like...

thing you do every year you want some kind of staple moment which is why I was saying you could have the thing where people like throw bread rolls at Kigley and he drops in the water or something like that. Gareth is stuck on the bread I just want to let you know he's stuck on the bread. I don't remember who pitched it.

You did. Oh, did I? That's a great idea. It's a great idea. I really love that idea. Hucking bread is good. Hucking old bread. And because you can make up a backstory that the Kigley, you know, the Kigley wheat mill, you know, he owned Kigley's Wheat Mill. Yeah. Famous. And it's a... I gotta say, it's not that it really matters because it's not real, but it's Kiggy. K-I-G-G-Y. All right. Yeah. Okay. Hang up the phone, Kevin. Okay.

But, Noah, I do feel like we gave you a bunch of stuff to work on. Will you follow up with us and let us know what you did? It's awesome. It's so cool. I think this night could get really fun for you. And if it happens to reveal something, I mean, fuck. That'd be great. But send in photos and all that stuff of what you're doing. We'd love to see it. We want a follow-up and a cut of the action. Of the reward? Yeah, we got to go, buddy. But thanks a lot for the call. Appreciate the call, man. Thanks. Appreciate you. Thanks for the help. Bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

And we're brought to you by Philo. Oh, we've talked about Philo before. Philo's got great current seasons of shows that I can't miss live on networks like A&E, MTV, Discovery, and TLC. It's got shows like The Office. It's got Martin. It's got Friends. All these things. We've talked, and Jake and I have talked about some of our secret passion shows that they have on there. Love After Lockup. Do not sleep on Love After Lockup, people. Get involved with it, okay? I agree.

I'll never forget the guy who kept the salami in the bathroom. See, now I got to get back into watching it at Philo. Best of all, with Philo, you can get all this for just $28 a month. No contracts, no hassles, just one subscription and a world of entertainment.

Also, don't forget that they have a library of more than 75,000 movies and shows. You heard me right. All of which I can save and rewatch anytime for the whole year. So go to philo.tv and check it out for a free seven-day trial. That's philo.tv to start watching.

And we're brought to you by Alma. We obviously on this show give out advice, but it's a little tongue in cheek. But if you have a therapist, had a therapist, used one in the past, whatever it is,

You know, it can be pretty difficult to find someone pretty difficult to find the right fit. You're sifting through hundreds of options. Sometimes it doesn't feel like it's the person you want. So that's what Alma does. Alma basically helps filter the therapist through search engines and ways to

To get a therapist that you want to have. Alma can help you find a therapist who gets you. I do think therapy is more impactful when you feel heard and understood. If you want to talk to somebody, Alma is there to help you find the right someone. It can also help you find a therapist who takes your insurance. Over 95% of therapists at Alma accept insurance.

People who find in-network care through Alma save an average of 77% on the cost of therapy. It's also very easy to get started with Alma, which helps some of these websites get really tricky. Alma can help you find the right therapist for you, not just anyone. Visit helloalma.com slash here to help to get started and schedule a free consultation today.

That's helloalma, A-L-M-A dot com slash here to help.

And we're sponsored by Greenlight. You know the deal with Greenlight. As your kids get older, there are some things about parenting that get easier. Jake? It's a way to teach your kids about money management. If you got kids, you know how important that is. I wish I had this as a kid. I had no... Also, I didn't get allowance, so it wouldn't have mattered. I was going to say, yeah. My Greenlight would have been empty.

Like you said, your dad just hit a $100 bill around his place every now and then. My green light would be like, once a year, I'd be like, how do I deposit a CINO? But I think it's great. I think it's a debit card, and it's very easy for the family. We're able to manage it. We're able to do allowance that way. And the kids have been able to take control of their finances in a way that I have found very exciting.

Yeah, like the Greenlight app also includes a chores feature where you can set up one-time reoccurring chores. There's a lot going on. So sign up at Greenlight today and get your first month free when you go to greenlight.com slash gil sent me. That's greenlight.com slash gil sent me to try Greenlight for free. Greenlight.com slash gil sent me. Hello. Hello to you. Hello to you, sir. Welcome to We're Here to Help. How are you?

I'm doing all right. This is a crazy ride. I listened to you guys twice a week, and I was just listening this morning, and it's just such a mindfuck to kind of be on a call with you guys. Well, it's all downhill from here. What's your name, age, and where in the Midwest are you from? That was a good guess, by the way. Dave, Longmont, Colorado, and 55.

Love Longmont, Colorado, just by a little bit north of east of Boulder. Correct. Yeah. Beauty. How do you know that? I'm pretty geographically. You've been everywhere, too. Yeah. But one of my college good buddies went to Longmont High School. Also, Jessica Beal. Ooh. Longmont High. No way. Really? Are you saying no way? I did not know that. He didn't even know that. It could be made up. I think it's the Beal. It's Beal. Yeah, I think so. How old did you say you were, Dave?

Fifty-five. Fifty-five. Okay, look, you got Jake, you got Gareth, no big deal there. But we have a killer. We have someone we've been trying to get on the show for a while. Very excited. We have Andrew Santino joining us. Hey, how are you, sir? In studio. How are you, sir? So buckle up. How are you? Wow, that just got real flirty. I'm the guest helper. So Dave, what can we do for you, bud?

I got divorced about, well, it's been over three years, so three and a half going on four. I took about a year away just to kind of do some relationship rehab. And so I was not in the dating mode of any kind. And then about a year and a half after that process, I ended up meeting somebody that I really enjoy and want to spend a lot of time with. Attaboy, Dave. And I was an empty nester. All my kids were out of the house.

And ended up buying a yoga chair, which is actually a sex chair. Thanks for not keeping the illusion up for long. All right. So, David, about 50. I know you can't see the clip. So, David, 50, you go through a divorce. You take a year to yourself.

You come out, you've rebirthed, you meet a lady, you like a lady. It's about a year and a half at Strong, you get a sex chair. Yep. You call it a yoga chair. Oh, and we get to see a picture of the chair, I think. All right. So keep going, sir. Yeah. I did send one to the Shark, her request. But yeah, so my dilemma started with my youngest, who was 24, graduated from college, and she

He's having a hard time finding a job, so he's moving back in with me. Hold on a second, Dave. We're just really examining the beautiful positions that can be performed and thrusted upon a sex chair. So pretty much all the regular positions are a go, it looks like. I don't know why we needed all the diagrams. I don't think it hurts. No, no, I'm ready. Well, it probably helps his back. Dave, you do have a L4, L5 injury, yes? I don't know.

Or L3, L4. Funny enough, yes, I do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not kidding, though. I look at that thing. I'm seeing a yoga chair. Yeah. Seeing the demonstration, I'm like, now I get it. I'm not looking at things, seeing every position. It's actually great. It's really great. Yeah, fun. Yeah, okay. Okay, so you got a sex chair. Love that chair. But the design works. You can put that thing in a living room. Sure. It's not going to jump. It's not a swing. No. No. You go into someone's bedroom and they have a swing and they say it's for yoga, you're like, come on. Yeah, certainly. Come on. Yeah. Okay, so you have kind of a cool...

You know, clockwork orangey furniture. Okay. What's the issue?

The stains. How do you clean it? Gross. Next caller. So it's kind of a ball. So the reason why I reached out to you guys in the first place was initially because my youngest son, who's 24, is moving home from college after graduating until he's ready to move out with some roommates that are tied up in a lease. And so he was going to be staying at the house for several months. My bedroom's right across the hallway.

the hall from him. Dave, Dave, Dave. And I know that. Let him use it. Wow. I don't know if that's the question. That's not the question? I don't know. Hold on. Is your question going to be can my son fuck too? Because if so, I'm lost. Well,

That's the advice, right? Well, that's the first go-to is make it a community chair. Yeah. Yeah. Like father, like son. Yeah. I wouldn't say I'm pitching that one just yet. It's a bonding moment for you guys. So your son's home. He's living with you. Keep going. Now he's here. Yeah. Now he's at the house. Uh,

It hasn't come up yet. I don't think he's gone into my room, but when he runs out of something, he's going to walk in there, see it. I know that he's going to know what it's for and what it's used for. And there's either going to be some awkwardness or some questions, and I'm not sure how to handle that, but there's more to the story now. All right, let's go. So the addition stuff that since I've emailed you is Tess is who I'm seeing. She's not coming over as much because...

new roommate situation. So I'm a little, I'm in a little bit of a situation of needing some advice on how to have her still come visit maybe as often as she once did. And then I'm also trying to figure out a way we haven't used the chair in a while. And I think there's a little bit of maybe

Maybe some awkwardness or holding off on that because there's somebody else in the house. It's not just us anymore. Such practical questions. So it's your son's there. You want you, if he asks about the chair, we can get you out of that easy. Tess isn't coming around cause your son's there and you want to use your fuck chair. Right. Cause you can go to Tess's house. Correct.

Yeah, but you can't bring the chair. Yeah, but Jess put that thing in my car. Why not? So you love this. So, Dave, did you fall in love with Tess or did she just let you use the chair? Because Tess is still at her place. Let's say you have to pick Tess or the chair. Who do you pick? Like...

Oh, I'm taking Tess. Yeah, but the chair, like the idea of like Karen. The chair's name is Tess, by the way. There is no Tess. He pops holes in the chair. Son, I want to introduce you to Tess. But Dave, do us a favor here. Do us a favor here and boil this down to one question because.

I think a sex chair is as cool as the next guy, but you can just go to her house and have sex on a bed. Yeah. Right. You could also just order a sex chair to her house. Right. So the boil down specifically what your question is, and then we'll see if we can help you out of it.

I think it's now Tess at the house. Gotta be. Because when this first... Oh, great. The important thing here is about getting Tess to be comfortable at the house, to come over, to have sex with you on this... On the chair. On the chair. I mean, that's the most... That's what he wants. Right. And by the way, we want that for you too, bud. I mean, that's... Tess wants it. Well...

That's debatable because it sounds like she's shying away from the chair. Now, is it because when you guys have sex just on the bed, it's not as intense for her? Is the chair intense? And that's why she has the fear of being too vocal. Or Dave, are you weird in the chair? Yeah. Are you weird in the chair? Like, are you too into the chair? And she's a little bit like, I'm not even here yet. Can we stay in this position for one more second? And you're like, yeah, but if you put your hands here and she's like this, fuck guys in their chairs.

Would you just fuck me for a second? So do you think, what do you think? Be honest now, Dave. What do you think Tess thinks about the chair? I think she really likes the chair. She likes the chair. Has she said anything to make it very clear that like after a chair session has she said like, that's better than a bed session? Or is it you doing the talking and her saying, yeah.

No, that's never been a conversation. That's troublesome. The chair was just a really nice addition for a change-up. But did you initiate it, or did she, and when you got it, did she say, you bought a yoga chair for your bedroom? Walk us through what happened here, my man. Because this might be less about the sun and more about the chair. It is.

The sun's not even home. There is no sun. Because it might just be Tess being like, I like Dave. We've been together for a year and a half. He's great. Yeah. This chair is, every time I want to fuck this boyfriend of mine, he's asking me to get on his chair. I'll tell you what, if my wife was always about a chair at a certain point, I'd go like,

I'm looking to get this done, be happy, have it successful. Have it be successful. I want you to say it was okay and me to go to sleep after. I don't want to lay on a chair. Again, your metric of success in sex is amazing. The other person just has to go like this. You want it to be okay and you get to go to bed. Good enough. You go, yeah. Fine. Fine is fine. Yeah, I'm not looking for another. Great. Great.

Great. Fine. Good night. I love you. Good night. I love you. Love you very much. Good night. Hey, I do. Yeah. Put the ring on that. How nice is that? How was that? Good. You know what? Anybody else? I'm satisfied. You are? I love you. Good night. From this? You got satisfied? No, from the machine next to the bed. Good night. I love you. I love you too. I love you. I'm going to sleep in the chair.

I'm going to go masturbate in the chair. I'm going to go beg the chair. So Dave, does Tess like the chair? Be honest with us. Or is it you in the chair and she just kind of wants to mess around in bed and you're getting a little goofy with the chair? Maybe it's more me. Okay. At the beginning of this relationship before, like when we were starting to come together and all that, I was the one that went out and got those things because in the beginning I was getting excited because...

of a new relationship and I wanted to explore some things and she was open to that, which was very exciting. Well, what does that mean? Chair. Is that just the chair? Trying chairs. Okay. Just one chair. Okay. It's just the word chair is coming up a lot. I think you should introduce, or just this is my two senses. I think you should ask her, Hey Tess,

I like exploring. I want to continue to explore as we have. Is there something you would like to explore doing? Because then you give a little, you get a little, Dave. If she says, look, I want anal beads or I'd like to choke you or whatever, then you say, sure, I will let you choke me. Can we get to the chair as well? Can we do both of our things? I think it's a compromise because it feels like test...

Doesn't like the chair. As much as you like the chair. She might think the chair is cool. It's fine. She likes it. It's fine. I think we can all speak for Tess. It's a lot of chairs. It's a lot of chair. We've heard the chair. You said she was open to exploring stuff. Gary said, like, what? You said the chair. We've heard the chair. It's like you bought a Corvette and she's like, it's nice to drive places. And you're like, how good's a Corvette? You don't like the vet? You don't like the vet? Tess loves the vet. Tess, Tess, get in front of the vet. I'm going to get a picture of you and the vet.

Do you think there's any truth to this, Dave? Yeah, I can definitely see that. Yeah, okay. I can see it's probably more my thing than hers, maybe. Okay. And yeah, I hadn't really thought of doing the approach of what would you like and how do we keep doing this? I think that's a fair... Yes. It's a nice compromise. Even if the thing she likes is just sex at her place. She doesn't have to have a big thing like the chair. If you're going through a phase where you're into the chair...

That's fine. That's fine. She could also say, I don't have a thing. I don't need to choke you or stick anal beads up your ass. I might just want to have sex. She might. And if, but whatever it is, you lean in at her place and your place is the chair. Do you guys ever have sex at the place and you don't do it in the chair? You just go old school bed. Are you always pitching chair, Dave? No, they must. Good. Okay. All right. Good. I can't wait for that cinematic moment when Dave is sipping a cup of coffee, staring at the chair.

You know, Tessa's gone. And he has, that comes to grips moment where he's like, I'm done with you. Oh. And he's done with the chair. You know, he's going to happen, Dave. You're going to get over the chair. At some point, you're going to go, I've had my fill. Thank you, chair. And then you're going to put it at the curb and someone's going to be like, look at this cool little Chez lounge. I have no idea that it's just covered in Dave cum. Some college kid. Dude, some dude threw away a perfectly good yoga chair. Look at this. My back feels amazing.

So Dave, what do you think about the advice just going, talking to Tess and saying, my place is obviously, it's got my son in the chair, two things you're not psyched about. What if at your place, you drive the train of what we do sexually? And whatever it is, I'm excited about it. And then we can figure out when you're at my place in the chair and when we're at your place. Right. What do you think of that as a solution to this?

Yeah, I can lean into that. What's your job? Are you gainfully employed?

Yeah, I run a moving company. Okay. Oh, well, you can get the chair over to her. Right. Oh, my God. This is insane. Dave? You drop that at the end? Move the fucking chair. Dave, Dave. Move the chair, Dave. All right, hang up. This is... No, Dave. Do you have a moving company? Dave, you understand. Yeah, we got cranes, forklifts. We got it all. But you guys don't understand. We specialize in chairs. Dave, you own a fucking... I'll be straight with you guys. Yeah.

It's not the moving company. I was still trying to shield my other stuff. That would have been, no, no, that's fine. Are you prepared Dave for people at work to call you the chairman of the board and stuff like that? That will start to happen. They'll hear this and they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll go, they'll

Oh, gosh, I didn't even think about that. Yeah, no, it's going to happen. But it's fine. No, it's fun. It is. It's fun. Because there's nothing wrong. This is not gross or illegal. It's not even wild. No, this is what I would say. I think the overall opinion that we should give some, like, get something over at Tessa's that she likes. That way you each have your home field thing. Right. I would just talk to your son. I mean, your son's living in your place rent-free.

Yeah, for the moment. Yeah, I would just be like, look, sometimes my girlfriend's going to come over and you got to go figure something out. Yeah, get out. Skirt. Go do something. You're 24. That kid's got to want to live. That's like the best time to go do shit, be out, meeting up with people. Get out. Go. Get out. Yeah, I would say that. And if he gives you any guff, just let him know you have a fuck chair in your room and you're going to be using it. And you're not paying rent. You start paying rent, you can hang out when Tess is here. Yeah.

Yeah. So, Dave, what do you think you're going to do, bud? Well, I will say that it's probably more my personality to just say, really, your first pitch is...

you know, say, I like it using the chair when we're at my place. What would you like to, what would you like to do more with? By far the best move. Yeah. And then whatever she says, Dave, it's a yes. It's a yes. No matter what. Because even if you're not into it, you lean in because the truth is she might not be that into the chair. Right. And I know that sucks to hear. Right.

We deserve a follow-up on this one. As soon as you have that conversation. I want to come back for that episode. I really got to know what Dave's up to. We'll patch you. This might not be the right road to go down, but...

You ever masturbate in the chair? There we go. Uh-oh. Because I thought that's where you're going, where you're saying he looks at the chair and said goodbye. No, what I'm saying is you're going to come to a moment in your life with all these... He's having a moment. Yeah, agreed. And it's part of the divorce. Right. It's part of his kids growing up. Correct. He just has an empty nest. Correct. The chair is way bigger in Dave's life. Correct. It's huge. He's thinking about it all day. Yeah, and he bought it. This was the kind of thing I bet you couldn't do it when you were married. Nope. You had your kids a little young. Now you're doing this thing...

You ever sit there alone in a nice sexy robe, pour yourself a glass of something and just do what you want to do on that chair? Good in all the positions, Dave, and just beat the crap out of yourself and just enjoy the chair. Have you ever thought of that?

Yeah, well, it's good talking to some other dudes because, yeah. Oh, yeah. Of course. Of course. So you masturbate in the chair. Of course. 100%. Look at that thing. I want to kind of jerk off in that thing, if I'm being honest. In what position? Out of the nine positions. The one where my head's hanging over the back. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

I want to do the one where I've bent something over, but it's just how I'm going to come on the back of the chair. Just destroy the chair for no reason. I'm for sure not coming on the chair. Oh, I'm coming on the chair. No, you have to. It wants me to finish on its back. Dave, how much was the chair? Oh, gosh, I think it was like, I don't know, $170 or something. Dave, cheap chair. Dave, Dave, Dave, we got to up your chair game. If you're going to be the chair god, that's really good.

Yeah, that's awesome. Get a pork ottoman to go with it. I think, Dave, I think we know our solution here. You got to offer, you got to give, and you got to get, and you got to get to give. And I got another pitch to you, Dave. I think Santina's dead right. I think this is what we do with Tess, and we're going to go to her place more. I just, my gut's telling me, never initiate the chair again with Tess. No, let her do it. Maybe it's a masturbating chair. Yeah. Well, if she brings it up, Garrett. Just got demoted hard. If she brings it up, great.

But it's like a VR set. It's like a Ouija board. If you both end up there together. Of course. But to say like, while I put this VR in set, will you give me blood? You're like, just do what you're going to do. Just do it yourself. Do what you're going to do alone. Have fun. When you bring this lovely lady home, just don't bring it up. If she says, want to go to the chair? Of course. But maybe see what happens the next time she comes over and gets brought up. Dave, is there any chance Tess would hear this podcast?

Oh, yeah. We only listen to it together. Okay, so for the follow-up, can we talk the test without you? Yeah, and also, are you okay that you've admitted to masturbating in your chair? Of course. Yeah, she knows that anyways. Okay, so let her listen to this. That'll be a great intro to the conversation. Did you hear what the boy suggested? What do you think? What do you think? I think that's great. That's a great move. A follow-up. That's actually really, that's a good lead-in. I love that. Hey, Dave, I got an idea for you.

Because I think that Santino is totally right. You want us to send you this raw audio and you could do that soon and we could connect the follow-up right away and have her and you guys come back on? Or maybe just her? I'd say just her would be great for you guys. And maybe we'll have just her on and get her point of view of what happened, the chair, what we're thinking. Great. Are you comfortable with that? Yeah, I'm comfortable with that. All right. Then we're going to send you this and you're going to get an email later tonight. I love you, Dave. Yeah, love you, Dave.

You're a good man, Dave. Thank you, buddy. Appreciate you. God bless. Way to go. Have a good one. You too. He's having a moment. He's having a great moment. I'm having so much fucking fun. This season, get premium technology that inspires joy from Dell Technologies. Bring your most intensive projects to life with our most powerful XPS laptop.

The XPS 16 delivers supercharged processing for enhanced productivity and freedom to express yourself with a dedicated system for AI-enabled apps.

Performance class Dell PCs and Intel Core Ultra processors deliver a dedicated engine to help accelerate AI. Shop smarter on dell.com slash deals and enjoy benefits like fast, free shipping, Dell rewards, system configurability, and expert support.

You can't go wrong with tech for everyone on your wishlist. When you get a Dell PC with AI, it gives back. So shop now at dell.com slash deals.

This episode is brought to you by ZocDoc. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare highly rated in-network doctors near you and instantly book appointment with them online. A dear friend of mine uses ZocDoc all the time. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Gil Buchanan!

Wow, Jakey Johnson, it is unbelievable to be back. Honestly, I've been doing nothing but core work. We are out of time. No, no, no, wait, hold on, wait, listen. The way ZocDoc works is you can find a reputable doctor or physician within your area. You can book the appointments immediately. There's no more waiting awkwardly on hold with the receptionist. You know this hold music, you're going, what's going on? And then every 30 seconds they go, blah, blah, blah, someone's going to come back. Hey, just get me to the doctor. But you don't need to do that anymore with ZocDoc.

All right. We're talking about booking appointments with tens of thousands of top rated patient reviewed, credible doctors and specialists. So do me a favor. Go to Zoc.com. Zoc.com. No, I'm rusty. Go to Zoc.com.

God bless me. Go to ZocDoc.com. No, I got it, Jake. Leave me alone. I can smell the bourbon through the Zoom. I'd had to because it's after six. Go to ZocDoc.com slash HTH and download the ZocDoc app for free. Then find and book a top-rated doctor today. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash H-T-H. ZocDoc.com slash H-T-H.

This episode is brought to you by Squarespace, a place that has Squarespace has been incredible to our show. We have many a website. Yes, we honestly there are so many problems we've solved. And if we didn't have Squarespace, these poor people would be out there without their parties, without their their lies that we're corroborating. Many things go on with Squarespace. They're introducing a new design intelligent from Squarespace, combining two decades

Decades of industry-leading design expertise with cutting-edge AI technology to unlock your strongest creative potential. Design intelligence empowers anyone to build a beautiful, more personalized website tailored to their unique needs and craft a bespoke digital identity to use across one's entire online presence. There's invoicing, an easier way to collect payments so you can focus on growing your business. You can invoice your clients and get paid for your services.

Listen, it's all happening at Squarespace. We love them. They've been here for us all the time. And again, you can also just go there and build a website. It's very easy. They make it very easy. So head to www.squarespace.com slash gil sent me to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using the code gil sent me squarespace.com slash gil sent me.

Hey everyone, it's the shark. The original call from this next follow up aired on August 8th. It's called smart people are our kryptonite and it's the second call from the episode. So if you'd like to listen as a quick refresher, go for it. Enjoy. Hello. Hi there.

Welcome back. Welcome back to Weird Help. We think we're in the mood for a follow-up, and you have one. Is that right? Why don't you tell us who you are and what your initial problem and call was for us? Sounds good. Hi, this is Natalie, and I called a couple weeks ago about Chance and the mannequin, Tim.

Oh, yeah, yeah. The one helping with the separation anxiety. Oh, yeah. Your weird little mannequin that Jake related to. Yes. For your dog. And that you were going to do something so that the, oh, you were going to ham the dog. You were going to ham the dog with food. We were trying to figure out ways for your dog to fall in love with your mannequin again. So what is your first name again? Natalie. Natalie, how are you? Okay, so what's happening? What'd you do? Where are we at?

Yeah, so it's good news. Hamming worked pretty well. Wait, hold on. You hammed the doll?

So walk us through. Slow down. What did you do? What happened? Oh, we got a photo popping up. We got a photo. That's the old one. That's the old photo. Those are photos from a sex chair from the Santino episode. So Natalie, walk us through what's going on. Yeah, so we...

brought came back out we had kind of put her away for a little bit and so we um changed her into clothes like you suggested that we had just worn and um and brought her in the door gave her you know a big greeting had her on the couch we ate lunch with her um and yep great natalie i'm going to show the uh lunch video to the guys all right we're going to watch the video obviously this will be on youtube

Oh my god. Enjoying your turkey sandwich? I'm sorry we didn't have ham. So you put a turkey sandwich right on her neck.

Yeah, Kim, obviously, as a mannequin, is not very human-like in the way you sat her in the chair. The clothes help, but it does look like a dead person. I agree, but the dog doesn't know that. The dog doesn't know that, but it's also you put a turkey sandwich on her throat, which, again, interesting. Okay, but so you had a fake lunch. You put her in clothes. Keep going. Yeah, so we have one of the pet cameras, and so we left. I had turned to TV.

TV show on her, on for her. And also we did, um, tie some fishing line to her arms so that we could like invisibly. Oh, this was so smart. So you're having the fishing arm is moving Kim's hand to pet the dog's stomach. Oh my God. Oh, this is great. By the way, I can see it on Kim's shirt. I don't know how I feel about it, but, uh,

That is the watching Kim, the mannequin pet chance and chance. Look over like that is a great move. Okay. What else you got in those videos? So she's eating treats. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That was good idea. That's a good one. That's really works. Boy, Chanty. Wow. Okay. So something about the voice of you talking during it. That is,

doing a lot yeah it's it's amazing it's scary it's eerie but it's working but it's it's yeah it's working so you go chancy and then there's a doll that looks dead with a weird wig and a dog eating whoa kim's your best friend chancy and so natalie you turquied the doll the doll fed the dog

The doll has, you had the doll pet the dog. The doll is wearing sweaty clothes. What's happening? Yeah, so we left. I didn't go too crazy as far as how long we left. Watch the videos, Natalie. Too late.

It worked, but you did go too crazy. You can't say after doing these videos, I didn't go too crazy. Natalie, let me remind you of when you put Kim in your clothes and put a turkey sandwich on her dead neck. You know, you look back on this phase of life, you're not going to say I handled it really normal. I didn't go too crazy.

Oh, desperate times. As far as how long we left, I did not go too far, too long. I left for about an hour and watched him on the pet cam. I did not have a video of that. I couldn't figure out the speeding up stuff. But

He did good. He was still visibly nervous, but he did not destroy anything, which is huge. And he just kind of... He would lay next to Kim and then go up to the window to look for... But he thinks Kim's a real person. Yeah. The sad thing is, though, he's so close. He'll just lay there, and I know he just wants her to reach out and touch. And I really...

want to figure out some automated way to get her to pet him. But I think we're like a couple of years out from that robot. We're not going to put Neuralink into Kim. Okay. So we're not there yet. You just did a little Dennis Miller. Hey, listen, we're not going to put Neuralink into Kim, your mannequin. Okay, Natalie.

It's petting the dog when you're there. A win's a win. You're not Genghis Khan. So I think this is a victory. I do too. I think what you need to do is you probably need to restoke the Kim fire every now and then. Different food. Give like a pet more, you know, keep her involved. But I like the, also the fishing rod. I think the petting's good. I would just, I wouldn't go crazy. I wouldn't either. But every once in a while, throw a different sandwich on her neck.

I agree. And you know what you could do next time you leave? Leave treats in her hand. Because the dog can... Not everybody just pets dogs all the time. So for...

the dog's point of view, Kim's cool, but she doesn't pet me that much. Yeah. That's fine. That's enough. That's, I mean, when you think back to your problem, like this is better. And Chance is not alone. Yeah. And look, they don't have the best relationship. No. Chance would like a little bit more, but he's not as nervous. Yes. The initial, look, look, we just need the win, Natalie. Let's just quit. I think we, I think this, I think we got the win. It is a solid win. I'm happy to provide. Well,

Well, I got to say, I love this call. I love this follow up and I appreciate you. Chance is a good boy. Good finish. And by the way, on behalf of the show and the audience, we can't wait to see what too crazy looks like to you. Thank you so much. All right. Thanks for the call. Thank you. Appreciate it.

Hey everyone, between that first and second call in the episode, Jake Gareth and special guest Andrew Santino chat for a few minutes as we wait for the second caller. So here's that conversation, and if you'd like to hear the full thing, you can check it out on the Patreon at patreon.com slash heretohelpod. Canadians are so... I like Canadians so much. They're just great. What a love... Oh, he's still on the phone. I don't love him. No, he's not. No, that is like such a like...

simple small town issue. But I will say, it wasn't a problem. Nope. No, he's plugging the restaurant. It was just plugging. We found some fun stuff, but it wasn't a problem. Well, what's interesting is, it is a great PR stunt for a restaurant to like do a fake version. Genius. Genius that someone would do that. You'd get nothing but attention. Yep.

That's like, it seems like something a club owner in Los Angeles would do to get people to like a failing nightclub. You know what I mean? I know this isn't a PR thing, but a lot of mothers lately are posting stuff. They have a birthday party for their kid and nobody shows up.

and it's them shooting video and it's like a little boy alone at like a showbiz or like a Chuck E. Cheese. That's a thing? Yes. Oh my God. And they're doing that for what? Sympathy? I don't know what the move is. Sometimes they'll have like, people will send them gifts and stuff. It'll be like a crying woman. She'll be like,

I'm done with my friends and my nobody showed up and I saw one the first time I saw it I got emotion I'm like it's a nightmare then I saw like nine because it got in my feed yeah and I was like oh this is a move right you throw a fake party you say no one showed up for my son or my daughter and then people reach out and go like he's such a sweet boy would you guys like some nikes yes we would it would mean the world

to him to get a PlayStation 5. This just reminded me of like one of my worst birthdays. I had a birthday party and we were, it was at a skate, indoor skate park and we were all outside waiting for it to open up and we were like skating curbs and I twisted my fucking ankle before we could ever get inside to the park. Terrible. And so I had to sit there and watch everybody skate. Terrible.

Awful. It was a terrible birthday. My mom was like, you can just do it. My ankle was ballooned out. It was awful. My brother's bachelor party. It was all his friends. I didn't know him. But I was his best friend, so I had to host it. We started off doing paintball. And he wanted to do this idiotic start where he and I were back to back. And you have to do like five steps in turn. Sure. And I don't like the paint.

So I'm not cool with it. I was instantly like, I don't like this. I don't want to do it, but it's for him. We'd been drinking and I went too fast and I slipped on a ball. Destroyed my ankle. That's an amazing twist. It was like, be cool. I was like, ah! Felt really destroyed the ankle. But while I was down, he was pelting me. But I had that whole thing, a whole night bar hopping in Milwaukee. My ankle was destroyed. I was pelting. You were mad. This was the worst start. I'm like, I want it over.

It really hurts. It's not fun. Although bar hopping in Milwaukee, fantastic. What a great, what is it? Water Street, right? Water Street. What a drinking town. The best. I was sitting on a patio. My buddy, Bob, used to own a bar called The Bad Genie up there. And I was sitting outside and we were tanked and a car pulled up

And it looked, at first we were kind of like, it was ominous how quickly he pulled up and we were all like, whoa, whoa. Cause he like slammed on the brakes and the windows are tinted and the back door opened up and everyone kind of like perked up like, what is going on? And a guy hung his head out the door, just ralphed everywhere. And the dude in the front seat rolls down the window and goes, sorry.

rolled it back up, closed the door, and then it kept going. Good stuff. Perfect timing. That's Milwaukee. What do you say? You're not drinking? I'm cleaning out just a little bit. Why? I go through just chunks of time. I do this all the time. Oh, you do? Because I have a romantic relationship with alcohol. Yeah. I don't know how else to say that. I mean, you can call it what you call it, but I have to just cognizantly be like, let's stop for a little while. Yeah. We also just got back. I was in Budapest.

You want to laugh? I'll give you a good laugh. This is the kind of roles your boy is getting right now.

I was shooting a little role. I was shooting a tiny little scene in Now You See Me 3. Oh, wow. The magician movie. Yeah, right, right. So I went out to Budapest and I brought my wife and it's vacation because I was like, we're vacation. Every night we're eating and drinking like pigs. Pigs. Pigs all night long because it doesn't matter. You're in a vacuum. I'm in Europe. It doesn't, I can do it. Yeah, it's fun. So then when we got back, I was like, okay.

This is... Clean it out. What do we do? Like, what did we do? That was so stupid every day. So yeah, I'm just going to take... I take chunky breaks until I go to Chicago. Yeah. And then I go do the stretch and the pitch. One thing about the stretch. Yeah. And they did not tell me this. Yeah. It's a second delay. I've heard this. It's a very real thing. Yeah.

Don't pay attention push through on what you're doing. Just sing Oh, you're saying don't try to keep don't try to change whatever you're hearing is irrelevant What about earplugs you have I don't know you could but it goes you go And then you go oh Then you hear them there's a moment of panic where you go I'm off right stick to the plan it's

It's hot. There's 40,000. You don't have time. It's not meant to feel right. Right. No. Afterwards I finished and I was like, and then everyone around kisses ass. Everyone's like, it was really good. It was really good. And I was like, and I saw my brother and he goes, you're not a singer. And I was like, oh, but then when I was like, it was really hard. They're like, yeah, you just blow past, do what you're doing. Yeah. The audience will catch up to you. But I'm like, oh, I thought you could, you know how you'll have to go like, eh,

You're off. So you're faking all, I did all this, but you're faking it. So Harry was a genius. Harry was a genius. And drunk. Harry was a genius. Yeah. Well, that's what they say. The part of it that was so great was he was so drunk all the time, it kind of dictated the rhythm of that song. Yeah, yeah. That rhythm of the song is probably much- It's wild, yeah. Maybe take your headphones off. Because I kept mine on because I had so much fun talking to doing like the broadcaster stuff. Yeah. Maybe that was the issue. Ah.

God, you're getting in my head now. I'm going to be thinking about it too much. It's funny. People are nervous about the pitch. And I'm like, you don't understand. The pitch means nothing to me. I mean, in the sense of like, that doesn't make me nervous at all.

The singing in the booth is easily the most nerve-wracking thing. They both, honest to God, the first pitch made me nervous too, more than I thought. I'm sure, look, I'm downplaying, but I'm sure it will be a little bit of nerves, but the booth is way more nerves. I agree, man. Because that's... But here's where you're going to get your sea legs. So the other thing I did, in the sixth inning, ask if you can talk to the radio guys.

So I sat with the radio guys for an inning, did all of that. Oh, that's great. But all that talking, then you, cause you only do a half inning with the TV guys. Right. But like fucking, I was like, I'm up there with my brother and I'm like, can I sit with, I think it was Ron and Pat. I was like, can I sit with Ron and Pat? And they're like, if you want to. And I'm like,

I do want to. I would love to. That's going to be great. Yeah, it's really fun. A little excited, a little nervous. It's so funny. We could play in front of thousands of people on stage, but then you do that, and I'm like, which is weird. Because it's not us. It's just not what you're used to doing. It does throw you for the weirdest loop. It's going to get me. I've openly said that to my dad, how nervous I am. I think I told you when I was like, the Cubs sent the email saying that they want me to do both because they heard the story I told on

Travis Kelsey's podcast about taking my dad to the World Series. And when I sent him the email of the Cubs, you know, inviting me, my father wrote, of all the crap you've done, you finally made it. Of all the crap. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because all we do is crap. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But there's moments. No, no, no. Our whole career is crap. This isn't... Hollywood is crap.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt, and the associate producer and editor is A.J. McKeown. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio, and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh, and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. Additional artwork by Patty Holland. You can find him on Instagram at P-A-D-D-Y Holland 2004. And if you'd like early access to episodes, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. All

All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.