111: Put Some Jeans on that Baby Jesus
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There were two elves. There were two elves. There were two elves.

And we are back. Yes. Kevin the Shark just said before we started, I have a Vegas story. A shark in Vegas.

come on come on what are you gonna get some stories i uh went to a restaurant by myself did an online reservation agreed i mean let's start at a wedding with his wife and i love it i can't wait they all went to magic mike but i love table for one but i okay i agree with the call yeah he panered vegas right yes

I mean, this is awful. I got a Vegas story. So let me walk you through a wild night in Vegas. I'd go to dinner alone. Thank you very much. Well, let's see. Because if it just ends with, I got a pretty good deal on some fries. They asked me to leave because I was watching a lady eat too much, they said. What's the Vegas story? I went to...

I saw a restaurant that I said, that's cool. I'm going to see if they can do a reservation. Table for one. They call me immediately and go, are you okay? We're double checking table for one because it's normally family style. It's like several plates. I was like, I'll make it work. It's fine. I show up and they're like, Kevin?

And I was like, yep, I'm going to get the spaghetti. And they're like, you're sure, right? It's for four. Kevin. Pretty good. So for the listeners, we're looking at a plate of spaghetti for a family of four. What's that drink? It's a platter. I asked for a wine. It was a wine sangria. Oh.

And a full basket of bread. By the way, that spaghetti looks so fucking good. It was delicious. But this guy just came off of his weight loss. Agreed. We're not going back to this. No, we're not. It was fun. This was amazing. But can we just talk about, I mean, he's off the wagon. When was the last time you talked to your trainer?

What trainer? Exactly. I got a... That's a huge thing of spaghetti. So you eat this and the people, how, the staff is treating you like a regular man or they're worried about you? No, they're a little confused why there aren't people with me and then I went straight to a cigar lounge after this. Fun. Dreamed of the humidor. When I was, yeah, and how do you like it? I love it. I'm going to throw the stokies in there right after this. Fun. Yeah, that's what we wanted when we were... Yeah, that's what we were thinking. Big we. Yeah.

I don't know why we're turning the Wii stuff into a comedy. We ordered it. When I was in New York, we went and saw The Lion King. And it was all right. The people behind us were talking...

in a normal voice the whole fucking show. - So insane. - But I honestly feel like, and I know I'm being an old man grump. - No. - I was like, culturally, the world has changed. - You're not being grumpy for that. - But I was like, literally during the show, and I kept doing the look back, and he was like a nice enough man. He was just talking to his kid and his kid would be like, "Is that this?" And he would go, "Yeah, so what happens there?" Then like, I guess his brother or his friend were talking.

And then there were like people in another section talking in another. And I'm like, do people just talk in theaters now? I've gone to movies recently where I'm like, there's fully I see phones on. Oh, I'm like, so what has happened? And there is this garbage. There's this level. I mean, I see it at stand up shows where it's like,

there is most people still get it. Yes, there are people and there is an age factor, but it's also just the liability. There are people who are like, I'm at the show. I'm here to I deserve to, like, do what I want at the show. There is this idea of like, I do what I want. It's like, yes,

But you go to a place where we're all like going to do a thing. So shut the fuck up. There's no thought about others. No. In a way that I'm like, like literally this guy was talking and then we'd look at each other and he would do the like, oh, that dude's getting pissed vibe and like do like a little nod. Five minutes of quiet. And then, yeah, well, the other thing that's happened, I'm like.

You know we can hear you. You got to say something. You have to say. Because I'll do that on planes too. Where like someone will kick your seat. Like the look is no longer working. Interesting. The look is off. You have to add A. You got to nip it in the bud. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

At least try. Like I had to say that about a kid kicking my seat a couple weeks. I was like, hey, she's really kicking my seat. And what happened? It stopped. It did, yes. Yeah, but the look, nothing. Yeah. Look was nothing. By the way, the look used to be everything. The look used to be plenty. If you gave a look

It was like, whoa, I got the log. Yeah. And you'd be building up to the load. Agreed. I mean, if this keeps happening, I'm going to have to look. I built up to it. Yeah. I was like, here we go. They're about to get it. Get ready for stink eyes. My friend saw Fast and Furious and the guy was texting next to him the entire time. And finally he leaned over and went, hey, can you stop? And the guy went, stop what? Yeah. Well, that's kind of the vibe. Yeah. It's so weird. It's,

why yeah and why would you care the guy who i made eye contact with it wasn't aggressive back it was more like i don't like i'm sorry you're looking at me and you're mad i'm just talking to my kid yeah and you're like well you're allowed to talk to your kid but the rest of us have paid to see only those people talk yeah uh it's weird i did feel because i've noticed it in movies too

I'm not a big going out to movies guy. I love watching them at home. Yeah. And I'm like, man, this shit has changed. We go to a new place now where like, you know, you get like food served to the waiters. The food thing has changed. But I'm like... Food's changed. We're in such a new... This is all my kids know where they're like, can we go out to watch a movie and literally like chicken parmesan? And I'm like...

- That bowl of fucking pasta gets set down in front of them. - Yeah, you're like, kind of. And then in the movie you'll have like, we had people sitting in front of us in this movie and the mom, there was like a few aisles of like her kids and her kids' friends. During the movie she'd go like, "Did you guys eat?" And I'm like, shh.

Shut the fuck up. We literally can't go two hours without eating. Yes, it's- We are like at the point- Beyond grazers. I always think that with gas stations. Yes. I'm like, every gas station has to be like, we're the Wendy's one. We're the Del Taco guests. It's like, you can't just go get gas. It is wild when you go through a phase where you go, you stop at a gas station or something and you choose not to get food.

You go like, this is wild. It's nuts. I'm back in the car without snacks and sweets. Or you sometimes go to one and you're like, you guys don't have anything to eat? And they're like, no, we're like a gas station. It is gross when you realize how much grazing we do. It's nuts. It'll be nights. At night, I'm just walking in my kitchen without even thinking. I'm just like opening the cabinet and being like, I don't need it. I'm not even hungry. No. Yeah.

No, it's like you can control it by day. Yes. At night, you're like, I must have crazen. Something changed. We're out of crazen. Yeah, it's crazen. Without further ado, enjoy the show. Hello. Hello. All right, take it away. Okay. Well, Shark, you got to take it away because we don't understand what's happening. Okay. Caller, this is the Shark. Can you introduce yourself? I'm using his name now. Say, uh.

Your age, where you're calling from, and something we are having fun with is, what is your hair color? Wow. It sounds weird. Yeah, that's cool. Yeah, it's cool. It's cool. What's your hair color? Oh, yeah. It's Emma, 35, New York, and it's just gray right now. Cool. A couple of grays today. And what's your name? Emma. Oh, it's Emma. Hi, Emma. Emma, 35, New York, gray hair.

Liking the setup. Where in New York is this? Long Island. Oh, of course. Traffic's a nightmare. Okay, Emma, so what's going on?

Okay, so I asked whether or not, how to actually get my mom to stop asking my six-month-old son to be baby Jesus in the Christmas newsletter. What? What the fuck? What do you mean? I don't get it. I feel like... Go ahead. So my mom is known to be really zany with Christmas letter photos. She's carried around Santa hats in Australia when we were visiting and we were in a museum.

And she said, oh, look, I just happen to have these Santa hats. And she made everyone take a picture riding on a kangaroo surfing on a surfboard. And so this year she's decided since she has eight grandkids, we can do an entire kind

kind of Christmas scene and she wants my son to be a naked baby Jesus. Naked? And I would like to stop that from happening. Okay. That's a lot of pressure. Well, also, why does Jesus have to be naked? Yep. I felt like he was in the manger. He had some hay on him. Because I was also 100% into let this happen.

I don't like the idea of a six-month-old baby being naked. It's not weird until you say it. Put some jeans on that baby in a tank top. Jesus with jeans. Jake wants the carpenter one. Put a fake mustache on it and a carpenter's cap. Jake wants jeans-us. Specifically asking for a baby to be naked is weird. Yeah, it's weird. But to say, like, I would like your baby to be Jesus in this photo,

I'm honest. If I'm you, I'm a yes. If they go, I would love one of your daughters to be Jesus in this common naked, I'm going, why? That's a weird thing you just said. Fucking pass. We're passing. I'm putting cut-off jeans on this kid. I'm putting a bedazzled t-shirt on, and I'm getting a curly-haired wig. What are you talking about? It's the best.

I don't want him to be so embarrassed in the future, like when he's older, because she's really, really popular with these newsletters. I think Jake may be just... Is that Jesus in the background? Put some underpants on. There's some clothing on the boy. He's in the manger. I think you just hit on a great pitch. Which is? Dress him up?

Yeah. Be like, we can do this, but then you go, you do jeans. Dress him like a target worker. You do jeans. Yeah.

Dress him like he's in the Geek Squad and say, a baby target worker in the manger. And then your mom will go, can I take his clothes off? And you go, no. Yeah. I think you negotiate that you get to pick the wardrobe. But you do it quietly. You go like this. Of course you could use my son. Can I pick his clothes? And she'll go, yeah, I mean, he's Jesus. And you go, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jesus, the guy who works at Best Buy in a Geek Squad or in Target. Or, you know, you could also do a Foot Locker Worker. I actually worked with a Jesus in Starbucks once and he's still in my phone forever. And I want to think about calling Jesus. So maybe we can dress him up as that Jesus. And I can say that

I thought it was that Jesus. I don't know. I just really don't want him to be naked. None of us are cosigning the nude baby part. Well, I think for sure. I think the naked's a no. It's a weird caveat. And I also, I don't like this idea. Every once in a while, some parents will do it with a, like, change the kid's diaper in front of others. I'm like, I understand that it's a baby, but put pride in it.

Put privacy for the kid. Yeah. I don't need to see a baby butt while we're all having a couple of beers watching. Just put a diaper on it. Yeah. So I think what you're just saying is these are my boundaries. What your mom doesn't know is that your boundaries are weird.

And that you will. I think here's why this is. And I mean, we did solve this arguably very quickly. But I do think what's also great about it is you're saying, don't ask me to do things like this again. Yes, because when you're going to be happy with you're getting target Jesus. You know what this reminds me of when I did that Geico commercial and we started the residual ninja.

If you don't give somebody what they want and they keep asking you, they stop asking. And when you play it off the way you did as like, oh, okay. I might be brain dead. So this is the example as it goes to you, Emma. When you bring your baby dressed like a Starbucks guy and she goes, no, I meant Jesus. You go, no, I know. I worked with a guy named Jesus. And she goes, no.

No, I want like Jesus isn't Jesus Christ. You then get confused and you go, okay, yeah. I mean, I'll just keep it like this. And you refuse to budge. Because if we get this photo and your six-month-old son is in the middle, dressed like he works at a Target, a Foot Locker, at Starbucks,

This is a huge win for you, for us, and a huge loss for your mother. And for your baby. It's a win for your baby's future, too. This goes above your Christmas tree. This is your little angel at the top. Yes. This is a family photo of all family photos. If we see Jesus the Starbucks worker in the manger next to the three wives, Matt. This is a home run. It's awesome. But it goes to you, Emma. What are you going to do?

I think I can just be weird right back at her. I could try it and just, just gather his, his target clothes and Starbucks clothes and just try to throw them in the picture while she's good. Chaotically doing it. Oh,

Just to be clear, we're talking about the employee outfit. You're going to put the baby in the employee. We want like the barista ensemble. Yes, the red shirt. Yeah, the whole thing. Yes, if it's Target, the red shirt, the name tag. Oh, a Target red shirt barista. Yes. So it's a red shirt with the apron. And the khaki pants. Yes, we're talking. I get it. Oh, yeah, I have a khaki pants. Yep.

Now we're talking. So if we're doing Starbucks. And a name tag that says Jesus. If we're doing Starbucks, which I kind of like because it gives you that extra oomph when you say you work there.

Let's really Google and get the apron and the Jesus name tag and the barista chapeau. And dare I say, a little cup that says tips on it to put next to him. So, Emma, the floor is yours. What are you going to actually do? And then afterwards, before you even say we're going to do, will you follow up with photos, please?

I will get my nieces and nephew involved since they're already involved. Use her costumes and take my own photo and say, this option is good. Yes. Okay. That works. That works. I will say. I could give it a try. I know. It's not going to be easy. Nothing in life that's great is easy. I will say my dream version of this.

is where you accept the role on behalf of your baby, and then at the event, we're showing up with the baby in the Starbucks outfit. Me too. And your mom is so disappointed. I think it really sends a message to your mother for the future asks on behalf of...

the child. That's true. Maybe I'll finally win this zany Christmas photo game. If she's running out of time, she's stressed, she's mad, she might just snap one pic of it. I think, to me, it has more resonance in the long-term negotiating of what you will have your baby do. He's right. I would say don't even send the test photo. Just say,

All right, it's a little weird, but I guess I'll dress the baby like Jesus if that's what you want. And then you show up in the babies in the Starbucks outfit with the Jesus name tag. And you go, yeah, Jesus, I worked with him at Starbucks and put him in the manger. I mean, when Emma, when he's I'm going to give this a try. Yeah. Will you please follow up with us? I will. Absolutely. All right. Love it. Thank you. Thank you so much. All right.

Hi. Hi there. Welcome. This is the first time we're doing this. There was not a technical issue. No. Everything's been fine. Can we get your name, Chelsea, your age, 29, and where you're calling from, Phoenix, please? Yeah. So my name is Chelsea. I'm 29, and I'm calling from Phoenix, Arizona. Here we go. Now we're new. We don't know anything else. Chelsea, what's happening? What's the problem? So...

The problem right now is for the last seven Christmases, my grandpa has been sending me boxes of frozen meat. And growing up, they were like the cool grandparents that would always like send us cash for our birthday and like triple digits. Like it was a hundred, but it felt like financial freedom to me as a child. And then as soon as I got married, um,

they started sending me gift boxes from a company called Omaha Steaks. Sure. I think we were sponsored by Omaha Steaks for a minute. I agree. They bought a few. I think they bought a few spots. I remember I had some Omaha Steaks in my garage freezer. From Chelsea's grandparents. Yeah, they're probably from my grandparents. So they feel like it's a really fancy gift. And I understand, like, I'm so lucky that my grandparents are alive and they're thinking of me. That's true. But,

It takes up the entire freezer, so we have to throw away what we already have. And we end up just giving a lot of it away. It's also not that great. It's huge. So we're just going to figure out... It is a huge box. I'm a big fruit person. They're looking at the photo that you sent, Chelsea. It takes up the whole thing. That's really funny. We're seeing a lot of the box. And that's only some of it. Yeah. That's only some of it. We've been trying to work through last Christmas' box, and it just...

there's a lot going on. So we just, and they're spending money on us thinking of us. So we just want to know how can we get them? Great question. Send us something else. Yeah. Or can I pitch on the pitch? Yeah. Can I, I'm sorry. Can I pitch on the question? Of course. Because they think that they are sending you a wonderful gift.

They love Omaha Steaks. Probably grandpa's like, this is great quality. He's fired up. Oh, yeah. So to tell, for lack of a better word, a geezer, that your gift is not appreciated, you could really...

hit somebody right in the gut. And that is not your intention because you love these people. These were the people who left you a C note when you were growing up. These are good people. They have upgraded. They are trying to feed your family. So here's just another pitch that

And if you don't like it, we'll go back and we'll figure out how to get grandma and grandpa to send you something else. What if you started a funny tradition with some family and friends? And that is you guys do the post Christmas Omaha steak grill off and you cook every single meat and side that is given on like January 2nd.

And you guys eat it and you invite friends over and you have every bit of Omaha steak and then it's over. You also bring other stuff, but that is presented to everybody. Happy new steer. Yes. Yeah. What do you think about something in that zone? I,

I think that's a fantastic idea. Well, I really have a good life. And that is something that we take you. I really don't want to hurt their feelings. I mean, it's not great, but if it's a tradition and we can laugh about it and it happens every year. Yes. And then what you guys can do that we could like, what you guys could also do is you could make like for your friends who come over. If you're a little bit like, it's not great quality. I'm a little embarrassed because I'm a foodie. You make signs that say like the great Omaha steak off, uh,

You know, you then put you create other sides that are better where you're like, try this other thing that's great. But while you're here, you need to have two bites of the Omaha steak hamburger. And you cook. Yeah. Well, you know what you could do? I mean, because it looks like a big box is what you could do is you could almost top chef it where you could give like if you say are having make it like a potluck.

So you give each person a cut and you say tomorrow night or the day after whatever. Come over with your Omaha potluck. And what you're what? That's a great idea.

So then you kind of bring it over so that it's not only on you to cook it, but then everyone has like, you know, has to come with something that uses it. Garf. And the game you could do is each person has to present because that, and part of the gag. Yeah. A prize. Yes. You know what the prize is? The last box of Omaha Steaks. Yes. Yes. Yes. Because then what people have to do. And we can make a video for the winner. We

We can make a video congratulating the winner on winning, you know, whatever we call it. That's exactly right. The first annual Omaha Steak Off. Yes. And then what people have to do is when they start their presentation, they have to go, we all love Omaha Steaks, but have you ever tried an Omaha Steak blank? Yes. And that could be like chopped up in a salad or that could be in a blank. Yeah. Or like fajitas or whatever. Yes.

Chelsea. I feel like this is solving a lot of the problems. This is smart. That's what we do. This is what the goddamn show is, kids. You guys must do this all the time. Chelsea, Chelsea. Yes. This is what we do. Yeah. I'm impressed. This is the show. This is the show, Chelsea.

And if you saw what we were making economically, you would know it's not high level. You'd be like, what's going on? That's a weird hobby that those three geeks do. Why are they in their closets doing this?

But Chelsea, what do you think? Because that feels really fun to us. That feels like we could make a video when the time comes. Our follow-up could be congratulating the people. You could take photos. Each person, we could do follow-ups with the people in the different dishes. We could do a live congratulations or something. We could take 10 minutes and do a live follow-up congratulatory call.

I think I love it. I think that feels perfect. And I'll share this idea because they do this for all of their grandkids that are married. So there's about like 10 or 15 of us who are trying to figure out this situation. That's going to be a big event, by the way. It's like a city competition. Yeah, but do you guys all live in around the same area, all the grandkids?

No, we're all over. Okay, great. So we could do, maybe we make like a cookbook or something. Franchise. Yeah. Yes, but also Chelsea, if everybody, if all of these grandkids do it with their group of friends, this could be your guys' family. The grandkids are starting traditions with each of their own little worlds. Yeah, their little pockets. I feel good about it. Good. I feel good about it too. You feel like you're happy with this?

Yeah, because in my head, this is going to have to be like this confrontational thing, which makes me, which I was not into. Yeah.

This is good. No, we want to keep, you know, me, mom, papa happy. Always. So, you know what? So here's what we need from you. Chelsea, here's what we need from you then. You got to follow up with us. Keep us in the loop because I think we'll probably do a couple of follow-ups and then we're going to peak on January 1st of 2025 or whenever you guys do it. End of December, early Jan. Yep. Okay. Last but not least, Shark, what are you thinking? I just, it's cool when we have calls like this where,

the caller isn't like, I don't, I regret this. Yeah. Chelsea, there are times, well, first of all, Kevin's painting a dark picture, Chelsea. Not regret, not regret, but we're going to pick up vibes. Sorry I went to the show. Sorry I went to the show. These babies. Yes. The alt title for the show is These Grown Babies. That's great. Yes.

That was a mistake. Wow. Very good. Are you going to now start commenting on them when he makes these or can we just blow past him? Very good, Gareth. B plus. The people can comment and go like this. Nobody laughed at that. At one point I thought I was going to get a sting, but that seems to be like something we just said we were going to do. I agree. We missed it. Chelsea, I think we could win here. Will you follow up with us?

Yeah, can do. I love it. All right, do it because the stakes are high. Take care, Chelsea. Thanks a lot. Let's keep going. Thanks. Have a great day. Bye. Bye.

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Wow, Jakey Johnson, it is unbelievable to be back. Honestly, I've been doing nothing but core. We are out of time. Okay. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no

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God bless me. Go to ZocDoc.com. No, I got it, Jake. Leave me alone. I can smell the bourbon through the Zoom. I'd had to because it's after six. Go to ZocDoc.com slash HTH and download the ZocDoc app for free. Then find and book a top-rated doctor today. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash H-T-H. ZocDoc.com slash H-T-H.

And we're sponsored by Greenlight. You know the deal with Greenlight. As your kids get older, there are some things about parenting that get easier. Jake? It's a way to teach your kids about money management. If you got kids, you know how important that is. I wish I had this as a kid. I had no... Also, I didn't get allowance, so it wouldn't have mattered. I was going to say, yeah. My Greenlight would have been empty.

like you said your dad just hit a hundred dollar bill around his place my green light would be like once a year I'd be like how do I deposit a C note but I think it's great I think it's you know it's a debit card and it's very easy for the family we're able to manage it we're able to do allowance that way and the kids have been able to take control of their finances in a way that I have found very exciting

Yeah, like the Greenlight app also includes a chores feature where you can set up one-time reoccurring chores. There's a lot going on. So sign up at Greenlight today and get your first month free when you go to greenlight.com slash gil sent me. That's greenlight.com slash gil sent me to try Greenlight for free. Greenlight.com slash gil sent me. Hello. Hi, welcome to the show. Can we get your name, please? My name is Amina. Amina?

Yes. Okay. Amina, where are you calling from? I am calling from Nashville. Nashville. Beautiful Nashville. Amina from Nashville. And what do you like to do in Nashville? You like to go see concerts? You like to go out to eat with friends? What's a fun Friday night for Amina in Nashville?

Honestly, I don't really do any of that stuff because I'm actually from Nashville. I think that's mostly the people that come from out of town. Yeah. You have to excuse my friend Jake here. When he goes to Nashville, he falls into a lot of tourist traps.

Local Nashville people, we know what you do. We don't go out to eat. You're at home eating spaghetti. Making some spaghetti for yourself. Maybe making a little too much. Maybe thinking, hey, this one meal could turn into two days of spaghetti and then you eat spaghetti for two days back to back. Making yourself a little bit sick. Or that goes to Connor and

that you have a roommate who cooks you way too much spaghetti and then gets mad at you if you don't eat it. But yeah, all right. So anyway, you're local Nashville. You don't like to go the honky tonk. You're making spaghetti. Walk us through. What is the problem today?

So my husband is a very lazy person. Great. And he's had this car and two jet skis in our driveway for like four years now. That's cool. The car is just covered in shit. I mean, just so you know, look, we're on your side. Two jet skis? Jake, without being able to silence his weird guy reaction, heard your problem set up.

and just let it slip out. That's cool. A car and two jet skis? A car and two jet skis. Fuck, dude. What a low bar. You don't even know what kind of jet ski they are. They're just sitting there collecting leaves. I'll tell you what, if I had a bigger driveway, I would have six old cars just sitting there with jet skis, boats, canoes. Jet skis are awful. Yeah. Okay. All right. We'll get them there, Amina. Okay, so you got a car, two jet skis.

The two jet skis are from like the nineties. They're old. They're rickety. You got pics. One of them is purple. One of them is yellow. And they have matching, they have matching duct tape on them. So there's yellow duct tape. Yeah. So they're beat up. Do us a favor. Will you do us a favor before we are, will you send Kevin photos of this stuff so we can see it at some point? I will do that as soon as I get home. So we got a car, we got two jet skis. What's going on?

He said he was going to fix the car a long time ago. Hasn't done that. He got the new vehicle and he's been saying that he's going to fix it for a while now. We have the part sitting in the garage, but it's just been sitting there collecting dust. And I've been trying to get him to just

take it to pull apart and just get rid of it, you know, free up some space in the driveway. Same thing with the jet skis. Okay, so what is this specific question?

Divorce? How can I convince him? Okay, so the idea of this one is your husband has old stuff that he's saying he might fix up. He's a yard hoarder. Yes. I mean, I'm with him on this one. And you're saying, how do we get rid of this? And you just don't like aesthetically how it looks, but it makes him happy to have this stuff.

I don't know how it makes him happy to have it when he can't use it. Well, let me put it like this. I've been going through a phase that my wife's not loving. And for years, I tried to get her on board and she wasn't. And then I just started going for it. Is it the jujitsu? No. That one hurt. That one knocked me right in my place. By the way, that knocked you right in your place. That sounds like what you do in your little fake locker room with your buddy dummy. What?

No, this is another phase that Gareth doesn't know about, but I'll soon be getting teased on. I've been interested recently in backyard games.

- Animal art. - Jesus Christ. - Oh. - Got a horse back there. - What are you talking about? - Just recently bought a little lion. - What do you mean? - You know what I mean. - I don't. - Weird little sculptures of animals. - You've got sculptures, so you're kind of lion and witching the wardrobe of your yard a little bit? - Yeah, so slowly I got like this like-- - You got animal statues? - Yeah, statues. - In your backyard? - That you get from like a junk shop or like an iron shop. I found a guy-- - How is this even happening? How did this even start?

Cool stuff. There's someone that lives near me that has like a yard full of giant dinosaurs. That's cool. And Amina, let me ask you this. That's cool. Put your jet skis there. Do people talk about this guy? What do people say? Are they like, hey, what a cool guy? Or are they like, oh, the weird guy with the backyard full of animals?

Who cares? I'm pretty sure it's the weird guy with the backyard. Well, listen, I just want you to know where you're at. I mean, and let me let you know when you're somebody my age and Gareth will get there in 15 years, who cares what they're saying? That's, that is the other side. And that's why I'm with your husband. So, but I just want to bring that up to you because, uh, I've, I've started putting stuff back there. I snuck a lion in it. How much? Snuck a lion in it. Is it crazy? Just so you know. I know. Okay. It's heavy. How many we got? How big is it? Um,

Half my size. So the lion's probably standing at what? Three feet tall. And how many we got back there? Right now I just have the lion and I have the horse, but I am talking to a guy about doing a full-size gorilla. Ha ha ha!

And I almost bought a massive elephant head. And my one daughter literally said, because I brought her to the junk shop, she almost got emotional and said, Daddy, please don't. And I said, no, you don't get it. I'll paint the wall forest green and we'll put the plants around it. And she said, Daddy, please. And I went, I'm embarrassing her. Jake. And I can't do it. Jake. Hearing a full-size gorilla was tough. I don't know.

where the hole inside of you comes from but we can't fill it with a huge gorilla i know but how fun would it be to be walking in your backyard and get scared what are you talking who are you talking like we just went to the natural history museum and i'm walking around and all when i would see all these like you know early man cave people i said to my wife i'm like i would drop a huge check if we could get those in our backyard the evolutionary sequence of man yeah you're walking by a tree and you go like oh my god

So you, your backyard is... Like a creative space to goof around, walk around, see an elephant. Get a full-size gorilla statue. I would love a full-size gorilla. It is a shocking revelation. This isn't about me. No, it isn't, but boy, is it.

All right, Amina. I'm glad I could be here for it. Of course. We know we're dealing with Jake now. That is a good comp for sure because he's also filling his house with trash that he thinks is important. Yeah.

But your husband, the issue here with your husband is more that he, it's less that he's hoarding and that he wants to be scared in his yard. And it's more that he's just like, I mean, he has projects. He doesn't get it. You said that's a quote. One of the things would be fun is to get scared. It's real weird. You're in your 40s. It's like a whole thing. You're a grown ass man. You have kids. Your daughter got scared by you. Old guys can't get scared in the yard because they have kids. That's the whole point of having a yard. That is crazy. Everything you say to Justin

makes it crazier. That's the whole point of having a yard. You get scared of your own artwork. What are you talking about? Back to you. But I mean, it's not that he's hoarding. It's that he has these projects he's never doing, right?

Yeah, and I don't think he's going to do that. I don't either. That's the problem. I don't think he's going to do it. He likes to start things and then not finish. I don't think he's going to do it unless he gets a clock put on him. Yeah. So I think we've got to put a clock on him some way. And I don't think the clock could come from you. Okay.

I think we got to put an artificial clock on him. And, you know, sometimes we got to go with a little bit of a fib. I think we got to fib a little bit. I think we got to say that we've gotten some complaints that some of the neighbors have complained. The city's getting involved a little bit and it's time to kind of shit or get off the pot.

You can use this as something you got in the mail and you could say, honey, look, okay, I don't know what your plan is, but people are complaining. This is embarrassing. If you're going to fix the jet skis, let's get them going. If you're going to fix the car, let's get it going. Even if he fixes it, he doesn't have a place for it. His plan is to sell the car. Am I wrong? Is it to sell it or he just wants these as toys?

I don't know what he wants to do with it, to be quite honest with you, because there's a slew of other problems that's wrong with it. He said he wants to get rid of it. It's just the act of getting rid of it. So I think I think we just this will put a clock. I got another pitch. Because I think a gorilla. I think one thing. One thing real quick is he does listen to the show. OK, so then what's it what's it what's his name right now?

His name is Daniel. Daniel. So first of all, before I do my pitch, Daniel, I'm going to say this. Keep the fucking jet skis. That's cool as hell. But because you're not. So, Daniel, I'm talking to you directly, my man. Don't listen to the bullshit we're about to say. I will buy those jet skis. But you need to have gorilla art, my man. We'll do a trade. How much to put a stone gorilla on a jet ski and drive it through the Atlantic Ocean? So here's my pitch. But the problem is, is if he's listening to this, we are cutting off our own genitals a little bit.

But my kind of pitch would be this. I would find somebody, I would get on Craigslist, I would take photos of it, and I would offer all three as a package, and I would find somebody to make you an offer so that you say to him, because one of the reasons you keep a bunch of old junk is you're like, I have a plan for it, but I don't even know how to deal with it. I don't know what the next move is. And you say, $650 cash on Friday, okay?

And if not, tell me your plan. Because rather than saying you have a problem, fix it, you're saying here is a solution. And you'll go, dude, my jet ski is a lot. Each one is worth $1,500. And you go, yes, when you take the duct tape off and you fix them. But right now, $650 and we get our driveway back. Or you pitch to me, Daniel.

I got two pitches and we step in on both. My first pitch is this. My first pitch is that we, everything that we just said, I agree. We have Amina go with him and we do a fake ad that we'll put on Instagram saying we will sell all this shit. We just want our, as good an offer as possible. The other one is that we just call him right now and we just say to him, I promise you it'll go sideways. Yeah.

I mean, it'll be, what we could do is, yeah, well, I say sideways. I mean, and because I, in good faith, I can't say to this guy, get rid of cool jet skis for nothing. All right. Now, but hold on. But if you're saying, here's my reason why, uh,

I'm about to have a, can we need the driveway? It's not safe for fires. Fine. You're saying get rid of something you like because I don't like them. The neighbors will gossip. No, you're not. And I get a bunch of cave people. No, you're not getting the cave people. You weirdo. We're building tents.

A yard is to get scared. I'm turning the pool into a swamp with turtles.

If they actually work, it would be fine. One of them stinks. The other one just won't turn off. So you're viewing what he has as trash. You're like a sick Noah. My pool's for turtles. Which one's Noah? The ark. Oh, Noah's ark. I was like, Daniel, Amina, the woman before was praying beta. I was like, Noah. How about this? How about this? We call Amina. Okay.

Or we do a fake voicemail right now that Amina can play for him. Okay, that's interesting. And we release this episode in six weeks. Yeah. Or whatever. We delay it so that he doesn't hear this and then it'll just be a reveal for him and then we can do a follow-up where he realizes he lied to him. So Amina, do this with us just because I don't like when our show is fun for the sake of fun because what I like about the premise is that the people actually do it personally. So do you think if we make a voicemail as us...

He will recognize our voices. I can do it as a city inspector or something. Okay. So then do you think. I think you guys can mask it. Okay. But real question to you then. Are you actually going to play this for him? Stick with the lie. Yeah. And say. Hang in there. But this is a real lie. You're saying the city has complained. Yeah. We have to justify how they got your cell phone number.

But this kind of stuff, like for me, this is the meat and potatoes of the show. So if my wife said, hey, you know that weird line you have? The city wants to get rid of it. And I went like, I just bought it. It's fucking super cool. It scares me every time I go back there. And she goes...

That's not reality. This call is... Not every time, but it does scare me. It's a lion. It's crazy. Agreed. It's crazy. How scary the fucking thing is is you get surprised by a lion in your backyard. You tell me you're not shitting your pants. It happened three times. Why do I want to go to my yard and shit my pants from fear? I don't, but I have three times. It's crazy. But I just got the fucking lion yesterday. That's nuts.

It's how long has this been going on? I just got the line yesterday. How long have you been building the yard with a Beetlejuice set? We got I got the horse when I did ride the Eagle with Trent. Okay, so that was the beginning. My wife's been no, I just had to start bringing it in. You just eventually have gone rogue and you decided you're just going to start bringing in your little stone zoo. Next thing up is turtles. In the pool? This is true too. Now we're talking. So Amina, so going back to Daniel.

How do we actually, because I do feel like if you play a message, what I would say if my wife, and then someone's like, this is the city, I'd be like, this is from a stupid gag. Fuck off. The way I play it is going to be very real. Let's hear it. What about from my HOA? Yeah. Okay. From the HOA of where you live? Is he going to have any idea who the HOA people are? No. Okay. Perfect. Yeah.

So it's the HOA of South Hampton is our neighborhood. Say it again. Gareth is like, it doesn't matter if it works. I just want to show another voice I do. I'm the HOA guy. I'm available for booking. And you can find this guy on Cameo. Oh.

I made your way here, and I got problems. Cameo. Okay, but the show gets 10%. Yeah, yeah. $8. Fine. Add it up, man. You know how many lines I can get for eight bucks? You know how many turtles that is for my swamp pool?

It's so grim. Okay. I mean, yes, if we did, Garrett did a voice of a HOA person that you were saying, it's just a complaint, but they want this out. Would Daniel listen to you or would he, would Daniel listen to you for real? Or would he say, well, tell him to contact me. I'm not getting rid of my cool jet skis. What would really happen? I think,

I think he would listen to me. I think. Okay. So no matter what, are you going to play from? Cause here's what I don't want. And even if the audience does want, I'll tell you what I don't want. I don't want video of him doing it laughing. And then it's like, Oh, we made a funny, I want him to get rid of his jet skis and then come back on. And we go, here's the bad news. It was Gareth. And he goes like, fuck you guys. I liked my jet skis. And we go, I know I was with you, but we were on Amina's side.

I think. Right. Yeah. How do we do that? I think. Well, listen, I think what we take is we take a shot. Yeah. OK. We give it a shot. If if he sees through it or whatever, we can have a follow up call with him or we try to sell him. I also think what you could do is just use this to light the fire under his ass to start to put the wheels in motion. And as the wheels are in motion, you could then say there's something I have to tell you.

It's we're here to help. They stepped in. Now, as a guy who's got the wheels in motion, fucking finish threading this needle. Let me pitch something insane. That might not be the move. Okay. Turtles? It's from a pool. No. No chlorine. No. Bugs. Turtles.

Worms. Cover the bottom in dirt. No. This thing has gone sideways. It's just so real. Yeah. And it's so early in the day. This is only a second call. We can't be here this early. This is a fine spot to be in. You have no shoes on, by the way. I think that it's also hot in here. Can you admit it's hot? It's hot. It's warm. It's fine. So, Amina, here's another thing.

What if you do something crazy where you create a villain who's starting to vandalize his stuff? One day there's a rock through the windshield. Jesus Christ. It's trash. It's an escalation. I know, but then he goes, what is going on? And you go, you know what? I don't want to deal with this. Just get rid of it. And he goes, I'm retaliating. You go, I don't want this in my house. Well, okay, here's one. I want time.

When I had my travel channel show, I would go off for three week stints. And what I used to do was because of street cleaning where I lived in Echo Park, I would go take my car and put it at parking at my buddy Rob's place who was going on the road with me. And then we'd split a car. So I'd come back from three weeks. I would have left my car on Rob's road where there was no street cleaning. Went fine for a few stints. Then one time I came back.

And someone had covered my car in signs saying, tow this car. Whoa. You can't park your car here this long. Get it out of here. Hey, city, like, tow this car, all that shit. And I mean, the odd that I had is my car was pulling up to where I was. I was like, oh, my God.

I ripped the signs off. I peeled out of there. This is like I'm never parking there again. So what we could do is create that external pressure. Yes. And by the way, but you're right now. Broken windows. No signs. Signs. Hey, throw it out. You're ruining my house. Yeah. Hey, hey, buddy, this is enough. Enough. I spent a lot of money to live in this community. Please fix it. Yes. Yes. We all keep our driveways nice. You're ruining it. Signed by literally everyone. Yes.

Yes. Something more like that. Amina, thoughts? Okay, so I don't know about the signage. People are hating us today. We have a camera at the front door, and if he sees that it's offline... Oh, I got you. So the ring camera. Okay. So then don't throw rocks in it either. That would even be crazier. You have a backyard with a pool? You could throw turtles in there maybe? That's not a helpful picture. I agree. I don't.

Okay, so we can't so you don't like the signs. All right, let's try the voice. Okay, let's make it you like in that of all the things we talked about Do you feel like that's the fruitful version or do you like the idea of an email from a fake account? That's the homos and homeowners association What do you like or do you like the idea that we just make an ad that sort of lights a fire under his ass to start selling? These things that's interesting. You know what?

I like the email. Okay. I think that's more discreet. Okay. And we could send it from probably here to help now. We can make a fake. We'll make a fake email and send it. Looks like HOA something. We'll do it through Squarespace something. That's interesting. Make a whole Squarespace. GorillaArt.com. Nope. Hey, buddy. Focus. Focus.

Maybe stick to our sponsors. I don't think that's a tropical turtles.com. I don't think that's a spot. Bull turtles.com. Deep end worms. Deep end. Swim with bugs.com. Pond divorce. So Amina, here's what we're going to do. Do you want us to just pen a little email or do you want to do it right now as a group? Or do you want to send an email, send a dozen, we'll send it back to you.

Might be best if you write it because you know exactly what it's saying. Yeah, maybe if you put in the specifics about the stuff we're dealing with, and then we could zhuzh it up a little bit. And that you're saying in there, we're comfortable giving you 30 days to get rid of it, but this needs to be off the property. Or fines will start, blah, blah, blah. Mm-hmm.

And then what we'll do is we'll post a photo of the letter and we will wait to air this. And what will be the funny followup will be your husband coming on. We tell him what's happening and then he'll be part of the same episode because he likes the show. So he'll have fun with it. But we'll say to him,

Maybe you can get him to call in and the follow-up will be, you had his whole thing with HOA and how do we respond to HOA getting in our business? We could also, like I was saying before, get him to the point where he has gotten everything ready and wheels are in motion and then we do the reveal. He'll pull back. Okay.

I think we got to fully spray Bela. It's just a real shame that that's becoming a phrase. I agree. It won't be after today, I hope. Okay. We're all hoping and you're kind of driving that. Aren't I? It's a weird reaction even now. Yeah.

So, Amina, will you start penning the email, send it to the shark, and then let's plan on doing this as soon as you can so that we can do a follow-up after he gets rid of this stuff where the call is, you say, I emailed the show about what does my husband and I do when an HOA gets in your business too much and makes my husband get rid of his super cool jet skis. And then the reveal on that. A funny retaliation. Yeah, we get him to go like, we go, what happened? And he goes, what?

They sent me this thing. I had to get rid of my cool jet skis I was going to fix up. And then we go, is there something? Can we tell you something? What we can do then is we can go, here's what you should do. Email back. Just take a picture of you on the jet ski. Just looking badass. Well, the jet ski is gone by then. Yeah. Because we've got to do it. The only way it works is it's all gone. And then he goes. We can do. Yeah, we can find a way. We'll find a way. Make it a little more. And then we'll do something fun. We'll try to make him enjoy the end of it.

What do you think? That sounds good to me. I really hope this works. So are you going to actually do this? Yes, I will. As soon as I get home, I will pin that for you guys. And look, if we hit a roadblock with this, call back. Yeah, how about this, actually? If we hit a roadblock and he doesn't buy it or he doesn't do it, next one we bring Daniel on. Yeah, yep.

Okay, that sounds great. Because we're going to get to the bottom of this. And we can even pretend to be the homeowners association for the start of that call. That's true. And then reveal it. Why don't we do that? Yeah. Okay, and then at the bottom of this is we get rid of those jet skis or you have a couple gorillas and turtles in your backyard. Don't listen to the rest of what Jake's saying because it doesn't actually track for what you're talking about. And also when you're in Nashville, go do the tourist stuff. It's fun. Yeah, it is fun. Yeah.

It's a great city. Go to Zany's. Great comedy club. See Gareth at Zany's. GarethReynolds.com. Yeah, GarethReynolds.com. Tour dates. See photos of me swimming at WeirdTurtles.com. Yep. It's unfortunate. Tour dates. I'm swimming with turtles in Florida. I'm swimming with turtles in...

everywhere. I'm going everywhere. He has a lot of time on his hand recently. I don't know. His wife is really kind of letting him. I love that for you. Check me out on jakejohnson.com. I'm going everywhere swimming with turtles. I'm going to be in Key West. He's on the Spring Beta Tour. Spring Beta. All right, Amina. Thanks so much. And follow up. We'll get this going. Great title. Thank you. Will do. All right. Bye. Bye. Bye.

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You can't go wrong with tech for everyone on your wishlist. When you get a Dell PC with AI, it gives back. So shop now at dell.com slash deals. Hey everyone, it's the Shark. The original call from this next follow-up aired on May 6th. It's called Bathroom Trash is Private with Hannah Simone, and it's the second call in the episode. So if you'd like to listen as a quick refresher, go for it. Enjoy. Hello.

Hello. Is this a shark? This is. Oh, you're shark struck.

I'm so shark struck. Wow. Look at you. Hey, if you want a minute with the shark, pet it. Go ahead. Just be careful. It bites. It bites. It bites. It mistakes a lot of things for gardeners. Can we get your welcome to the show? Can we get your name, age, where you're calling from, please? And thank you for the funniest start of all time. Is this the shark? By the way, for anyone ever calling the show, it's always going to start with the shark.

And everybody emailing this show to, Hey shark. We all had a very good laugh at that. Yes. Well, this is Blake from New Jersey. I am calling back as a followup. Um,

What was the other? Whatever. I'm 33. Well, Blake, remind us what the first call was. The Garf and I don't remember. So I apologize because I agreed to calling now. I thought that my son's nap time was going to line up a little bit better. So I might have to keep it a little bit more.

We'll go as long as we want to, please, Blake. She said PG. Oh, PG. No, we'll cuss when we like. No, it's about her cussing. And we will force you to cuss if we demand it. There we go. Blake, will you say shit real quick for us? Yes, shit. Okay, keep going.

Okay. So my initial call was I had the clone of Willie conundrum. Oh,

Oh, yes. A couple months ago. What was it? Yeah. The fake dildo that your mother-in-law saw, right? Oh, yeah. Is that correct? Yes, because I went back and forth with these people for a minute. Yeah, okay. What do you mean you went back and forth with these people for a minute? Well, because remember they started hitting us up being like, if you want one, we'll do it. Oh, yeah. And we tried to get them as a sponsor, and they're like, we're just clone Willie. We're just like a small little factory making penis. We'll clone your Willie. And we're like, yeah.

I don't want, nobody needs to get a clone version of this. If you're going to clone, pick a better clone. Clone somebody else's willy and give it to my wife. All right. So keep, so remind us exactly the call. Cause it was a while ago. Was it your wife, your mother-in-law found him in the bathroom or something? Yes. Yes. Correct.

Hannah Simone was on that episode. Right. Initially, I hadn't told my husband that I was calling in. And then a couple of weeks afterwards, we were talking about something. And I was like, oh, so by the way,

I called into this very popular podcast to talk about the most... Thank you for saying very popular. Number one podcast in America. Don't look it up. You can't. So he... We listened to it. We were hysterical laughing. And then when it was done, he was like, I like how you only talked about my mom finding stuff and you didn't mention the times that your mom has found stuff. What'd your mom find? So we have...

Well, so, well, what she found out, well, just that I'll keep close to the vest. Hey, Blake, you can't say at a restaurant we have specials. And then when the person says, what are the specials, go, I'm going to keep that close to the vest. Check the menu for the outfit. So what did mom find? Clone genres. Well, it was a... No, it wasn't. It was...

It was something that I had gotten from my best friend at party that was just wildly inappropriate. Which is like what? Your kid is not old enough to understand. You have twice for beads. Yeah. Okay. It's just like, you just blinked twice. Yeah.

Okay, gotcha. So your mom found beads and was like, this is a very ugly necklace, and it smells terrible. It doesn't have a clasp. This necklace makes no sense. I've never heard of the designer, Bean Wah. So, but I think in the initial episode, Hannah Simone had said,

like if something happens with your mom like you tell her or you talk to her about it if something happens with his mom he talked so i had forgotten about that because that's what i did i told my mom like what are you doing guy like you can't be going in here yeah so i had kind of forgotten about that but with the call gareth had suggested that we say that it was like a toy that i had gotten from or like a bar of soap that i'd gotten from a bachelorette party yes

So, which I'm going to circle back to, but we went with Jake's sort of more feral approach to it, which was to, I think you had said to leave like a whip in the bathroom. Oh, right. But,

Yes. So the problem with that is to get to our bathroom, you have to walk through our entire bedroom. So it's very invasive for these lovely mothers of ours to go all the way through. So I dug through our old supply and found, I think it's sent in a picture. Blake, is there a nitrous leak in your house? No.

No, I'm sorry. Wait. Oh, my Lord. Holy shit. Blake in New Jersey. Talk about a home run hitter. Okay, so we're seeing leather, a leather bracelet. We have a leather paddle with black handcuffs. Yeah.

Yes. So when you like look into our bedroom, the first thing you see is my husband's nightstand. So I was like, I'm going to leave it there because it's dark wood. It's not, sorry, my kids screaming in the background. It's not like super easy to see, but should they decide that they're going to invade our privacy? Wait really fast. Say to the baby, you see those cuffs? That's how you were made.

Mommy was pinned back when you were made, baby, having so much fun. That's how mommy took you. And then we got you. Yeah.

That's why your name is Battle. You precious little boy. Yeah, this is a precious little boy because your dad was a precious little man. Okay, so keep going. So you're leaving those handcuffs by the door, by the bed, so when mom walks in, she sees them. Right. And so that way it would be like before they could get to the rest of the room, if they saw that,

they just can make a quick U-turn and get out. That's a red flag to a parent. Don't walk in there. Garlic to a vampire. Yeah, yeah. You don't want to go any further. You don't want to go any further than that. So that was what I did. And to my, I'm giving you guys an A plus because to my knowledge, neither of them have, you know, we decided to punish both of them since I realized that

They both had gone into our room, so we left that out for when they each came over. And to my knowledge, neither of them have been back in there, or they just at least have not...

told us. So it, it was a win. Yeah. So you scared them. You just basically said, this is a private room and we don't need to talk about what we do in here, but you should know we're handcuffing each other to a bed. You want to keep going mom? And they're both going. No grassy. Oh my, oh my God. Bring them on. Bring them on. Tell that little Prince. He can say hi. Okay. Go ahead. Hi.

Hi, how are you? Wait, buddy, there's a shark on this show. Where? He's in the phone. Can you say hi to the shark? Hi, shark. Hi. Your mom's really cool. She talks to sharks. Yeah. He's over it. He's swimming. He's a shark too. But it sounds like, Blake, we won here.

So you did win. And I'm giving you extra credit because my best friend is getting married. And I found on Etsy these hyper-realistic soap bars, as Gary suggested.

So I wouldn't have gotten that idea without calling in. I think you suggested like penis soaps. Sure. That sounds like me. Yeah. Is that correct? You said something about it being like a bar of soap from like a bachelorette party, like as a gag gift. So I was like, what are we going to get for gag gifts for this? So I was on Etsy and they have them. They're a real thing. It's a real product.

Yeah, they make everything. That's great. So you got dick soaps. Really fast, and then we're going to get out of here. Blake, it's not about us, obviously, but out of 100, what would you give us in terms of the grade? I'm giving you guys 110. Hey! Ring the bell. Ring the bell. Ring, ring, ring.

Blake, we appreciate the call. Good luck with that little Prince of yours. Thank you. Thank you, Blake. Love listening to you. Bye.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKeown. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

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