134: So It's The Cheese vs Mikey Spandex? (with Oliver Ralli and Vic Michaelis)
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All right, we are back. Garfman, I got a question for you. Talk to me, Jake. What guest...

What one of our, as you call them, guest helper. Everyone does. Has come out of this show. What is it that's not everyone? Okay. And nailed the premise in your life. Oh, you know. Not your favorite. Some of you are like, oh, they were the funniest. We're not doing a competition. But they came out and you said, look, this motherfucker gets what he wants. There's...

I mean, you know, Cat Wright. I love Cat Wright. Cat Wright fit in so fast, but we were a little early on the show. You're totally right. But she got it so fast because she also took over and disagreed. Yes. And was like, no, this is what we're doing. No, I think we needed that. We needed like a mother to be like, stop talking. But we were a little early. We do have a mother who says that. My mom. Yeah. Yeah.

She says it to me all the time. Stop doing that. I stopped listening. It's too loud. You guys need to shut the fuck up. Well, it's a podcast, Mom. By the way, my mother stopped listening, too. But that was bound to happen. I also thought Lisa Gilroy was so good. But if you're talking, I think there was a beautiful thing that happened when Justin Long was a guest.

which is that it was the intersection of the problems being great, him being very comfortable, and we really, you, I think, put him in the position to really act these parts. And he was...

So good. He did the one with the woman in the pool, right? The pool woman. That, by the way, I forgot to... I think that might have been one of my favorite calls. It was also a great call and a great problem. As a life problem, that's one I've thought about. Yes. A woman at the community pool, a woman, somebody asked her to hold her as she practices swimming and she said yes. Yes. And now she doesn't know what to do because summer was coming around. Yes.

This show is like if Seinfeld was a therapist. It's just like these tiny apartment problems we deal with. And that one was very... So that, I think, again, I wouldn't even say it was... He was great. And I wouldn't... Because we've had so many great guests, I would say it was just a very good moment. And he just nailed it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Rachel and Olivia for me where they called the actual dentist office. That was insane. That was a great one. So many fucking good ones, man. It's been great. Yes, it really has. And you guys have all experienced it with us. I know we've got a loyal base. We see the numbers. We know you're here every week. We love you. It means a lot. So thank you. Thank you. And without further ado...

Hi. Hey, how you doing? Welcome to the show. Hi, how's it going? Good. Can we get your name, please? My name is Mike, but you guys can call me Spandex. Great. Spandex. Where are you calling from?

I'm calling from Sanford, Florida, just north of Orlando. Florida. And about how old are you, Spandex? I am 32. 32. So, Gareth... We're getting a lot of Florida questions today. Yeah, it's interesting. Gareth is in Alaska tonight, so he cannot join us, but he sends his love and we will give a couple of Gareth's pitches in his honor. But you've got the man who wrote the theme song for our show. Who?

We're here to help Mr. Oliver Raleigh, and you got the shark as well. Spandex. What's up, Spandex? Hey, Spandex. So, Spandex, 32, Florida, 32.

Take it away, my man. The floor is yours. So I am an independent professional wrestler known as Mike Spandex. You can call me Spandex. Quick thing. Quick, before you start. Spandex, before you start. Did you watch the Vince McMahon doc on Netflix?

I'm actually not a big documentary guy and I actually used to work for WWE. Not that I necessarily know background stuff or anything like that, but it's just like the stories you hear from others. You're like, eh, it's stuff I might already know and stuff I don't really want to know. Yeah, and I got to tell you, that wrestling world that you're in is wild, right?

it is wired imagine that plus florida incredible so before we get into your thing spandex how long have you been wrestling so i've been wrestling since 2017 about seven years now and how'd you get into it

So I've just, I've been a huge fan of it since I was like four years old. And it was one of those like pipe dream type things. So for me, it was like, I never thought it would happen. So I did the typical route, graduated high school, graduated college, got a job, do all that stuff. And I one day Googled a wrestling school and saw there was one like 30 minutes from my house.

and had a good heart-to-heart with a buddy of mine and said, fuck it, and here we are. Good for you. So you're doing a lot of the indie circuits. You're just wrestling around, creating your character. Are you a good guy or a bad guy? I'm typically a good guy. I like that. And how hardcore do you get in these?

Um, I don't do the crazy death match type shit you see out there that grosses me out. Um, I did just have a street fight about two months ago and I have a ladder match coming up next month. Explain what a street fight is besides, is it a street fight?

So it's basically like there's no rules, so there's no disqualifications, no count outs, weapons are allowed. You still have to win like pinfall or submission in the ring. But as far as everything else, anything goes. And Spandex, this is something that you want to do for the next 10 years. This is the life's calling. It was in the sense it's a passionate hobby is how I like to describe it.

respect. So now I appreciate that. I'm passionate about this. I just needed some backstory. Now the floor is yours. I'm glad Jake asked to clarify street fight because I have like four friends that I went to high school with that would have a different definition of street fight. I like yours a lot more. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, a street fight, somebody pulls your shirt over your head and beats you up for like 30 seconds and then you and your friends talk about it for 10 years. Says the Bears will never win another Super Bowl and then a street fight happens.

I'm going to show the guys the Instagram you sent because the pics of you are so cool. Oh, wow. YouTube. You look like a fucking spider in the air. Yeah, dude. You're a beast. Thank you. Very cool.

Yo. All right. Wait, I'm curious. What's the idea behind the name and the character Spandex? I know Ultimate Warrior, I get. Junkyard Dog, I get. Yeah, like Hacksaw Jim Duggan. What's Spandex? What is your thing other than you're wearing Spandex? I get this all the time. So Spandex actually came...

came from prior to wrestling. I was doing CrossFit competition locally a lot. And in one of the competitions, they have like a leggings contest. And I was like the only dude that was like, fuck it, let's have fun. And I did it. And like I put on these crazy leggings with like a unicorn and a robot dinosaur on it. It was one of my favorite pairs of leggings I ever had. But I ended up winning the contest.

And so everybody's like, are you going to keep doing this? So I just started wearing leggings to work out. And it's like a buddy of mine was talking about branding and all of this. And he's like, you should turn this into a thing. And that's how Mikey Spandex was created. And so you just like, you just like Spandex. This isn't like a big wrestling character, Mike. Mikey Spandex, you said?

Yes. So my the name is Mikey Spandex, but my moniker because I have like a moniker on top of it. I'm known as the Grand Marshal of the Spandex Parade. And over time, I've kind of evolved it. So now I'm just known as the Grand Marshal and I come from the Spandex Parade.

Great. So this reminds me, Oliver and I used to have a two-man show called The Midwesterners. And we did a sketch called Kid Invisible. Oh, yeah. Transparency Man. Transparency Man. And we just wore clear masks above our faces. With rubber band. With rubber band. And we're pretending to be superheroes, but we hadn't figured out our look. Mikey. Oh, my God.

That's kind of triggering. That's awesome. All right. So now thank you for the very clear setup. We're in, we're invested. The floor is yours. What is your question today? Okay. So as an independent, I can work for multiple companies and different wrestling organizations that I want to. Yeah. There is one in particular that is very much about over the top characteristics

characters. So like on this show, there is a guy who is, he's known as the technical alchemist and his character is like a mad scientist. Um, and then there's one that his name is Dean Taylor, but he's like a, he's the director, but he's also a zombie. So he's like a zombie director and he's incredible as well. And then another guy, one more is, uh, the cheese. He just

literal cheats. He just throws crap singles out. He's all about cheats. These are the worst characters ever.

The cheese? Parmesan on the floor. Yeah, this is Parmesan on the floor. The character. Wrestling style. I don't know. I got to be honest. Yeah, like the absurdity of it. It's insane. It's like there's some dude that's like the cheese that just throws out Kraft singles. Like, that is not... Yeah, that's not Stone Cold Steve Austin. No. You know what I'm saying? It's not The Undertaker. No, man. And his entire thing is puns. So you know the move, the DDT.

Yeah, it's one of the best moves ever. He calls his the DD Cheese.

Okay. So you guys in this independent league have kind of weird characters. Right? Now, you're still kicking ass. Now, you're still kicking ass. We saw the photos. You're flying around. You guys have great bodies. You're kicking ass. But it's the Cheese versus Mr. Spandex, right? Mikey Spandex. Mikey, that's not the Undertaker versus Hulk or Andre the Giant.

There's guys similar to you. Okay. And so that's just part of the setup, right? Those are some of the characters. So keep going. Right. So they want me to be more of a character as well. So they want me to be in that kind of group because I'm mostly just like, I'm a name. I'm pretty athletic. I just act like I'm an athlete and I'm over the top a little bit. We need to create a character. Correct. Yeah.

And what do you think about that? I have one idea already, but I don't know where to go further with it. All right, let's hear it. So the purpose is because I'm a giant nerd, I've always made references. Like all my gear that I have made is references to like anime and superheroes and stuff like that. So I want to turn myself into basically that organization's superhero. It's getting really heady though, no? Yeah. Spandex man?

I like the low IQ pitch because I'm with that, Kevin, because if you're saying the group that you want, they want to join, you're a superhero in their universe, right? Correct. So, yeah, in a sense. So I'm already a part of it, but they want my character to shift or like to, I guess more so to change.

amp it up more, like the hero side, because they know I'm very much into like superheroes and stuff like that. So they want me to like ramp that up more. All right. That's cool. I dig this. So like, what's, what's, what is your superpower? Like what, what is, what is your, your superhero gift? What can you do? So,

A lot of people say it already because of like my size. I'm not that big of a guy, but I am ridiculously strong. So super strength has been like my main thing going for me. And then another really funny thing that all the wrestlers and fans talk about is I have really big thighs. Okay. So you got big, strong thighs.

You want to be a superhero, but we're looking for a bigger character in this universe. But it's got to be something about Spandex, no? I do want to keep the name, yes, because I own the trademark on my name. Mikey Spandex. Yeah. Well, the copycat on it. Okay.

Are you sure you don't want to be a bad guy and make it seem like spandex has taken over the universe? And if you're not in spandex, you're ugly. And you look around and you grab the mic and you look around and you go like, all of you and you're dead and you're so ugly.

Look at me and my spandex. I'm so sexy. And then you go, oh, you women with your little thighs. I got the best thighs. Look at you little boys with your little thighs. And then you go, you don't have the body for spandex like Mikey's spandex does. Then you flex your butt cheeks.

I think you need to. You should be a heel. I'm so on board with this, man. You need to be the biggest fucking heel. This is perfect. You need to go up there and talk shit. You got to turn. Yeah, you need to turn. Because it's all spandex. And guess what, Mikey Spandex? None of these guys got a body like you got a body. And if they did, they would wear spandex. But they got their little jelly rolls.

and they're hiding it with their extra large shorts but not Mikey Spandex because you lick your fingers show everything lick your fingers you know where you go like this because I look at this I show everything baby I'm Mikey Spandex because you know what Mikey Spandex you got nothing to hide yes because guess what if you got Spandex on you got nothing to hide

That's good, man. I like that last part. Right? What do you think of this? But you don't like the heel. So how can we go superhero? Why? Why not? Because there's too many already in the league. That's so funny. All right, then how about this? Then how about this? A league full of heels. That part of being in spandex is because you got nothing to hide and you see through people's BS, man. You see through their lies. Mm-hmm.

Okay. I mean, it's a leap. I mean, you know, if you're going to be a superhero, but why not have it be some sort of like Captain America thing? Like you were like abducted as like a child in the 80s. You're like 32 or 30 or something like that. You were abducted as a child in the 80s and like put into a lab and given like major super strength.

You know what I'm saying? Like that could be your, that could be your thing, you know, and then somehow we got to figure out for you to show off your strength. Okay. So we, I already have moved for that part, which actually that could work. Okay. Walk us through what you're thinking, Mikey. So I like to see through your BS part as well, because of the fact that like a lot of the people I face, it's,

people I'm familiar with and it's more so like I can work with their characters more than I see through it. And it's just big enough that I can make that work. I like the idea of coming up with the fact that I have super strength. It would hard to do the backstory portion just because we don't talk about it too much. Like, but what is super strength of anything to do with spandex? Oh, that's just my name. Yeah. But you're Mikey spandex.

Like the Junkyard Dog, I don't want him to be like, I have nothing to do with Junkyard. It's just my name because I have the copyright. It's like, I don't want to hear the Ultimate Warrior go like, I wouldn't consider myself the Ultimate Warrior. I'm just a wrestler, but I'm the king of the universe. You couldn't know the name.

is that's the big part of the thing and mikey spandex you know it's got to be like your elastic man you know what it could be your bones are made of like i don't even know what spandex is besides just tight clothes like what's the upside of spandex you know like your bones are made of spandex but you know like we need something like your elastic man you could like mr fantastic mr fantastic but like mikey spandex

Do you see where, do you see where I'm banging my head against the wall, Mikey or no? I see where you're going with it. And I feel like I need to work on my flexibility. But so where are you kind of thinking when you think of this character, right? Cause what you were saying, which I liked was you want to be like the superhero in their world, but we've got to connect it to the Spandex. Don't you think?

In a sense, we could. Or you just go grand marshal? The grand marshal part will probably stay too. Okay. Yeah. What is a grand marshal? Is that like the head of a parade? Like what's a grand marshal? The head of the parade. Yeah. Okay. So what do you do, Mikey, that's better than other guys in the ring besides having those big old thighs?

speed um i can move a lot faster than a lot of people um and then one of the big things a lot of we talk about a lot is my engine like i i can go for like 20 plus minutes even more my longest max was like an hour okay so maybe part of your thing is you come out with an ass load of energy running around the room and you're the grand marshal of speed i don't know man

I like this engine idea. What is your engine? His cardio goes on forever. Yeah, like my stamina.

All right. Maybe, well, if it's your engine, that sounds kind of mechanical. Maybe you're part cyborg, you know, maybe that's like sort of part of your superhero thing. That's cool. Okay. Yeah. I also really want to tap into these thighs though. Don't you, Spandex? Yeah. I always do. How about, how about thunder thighs from the skies above?

And like you're a Greek god. Yeah. And like lightning from Zeus put these thunder in your thighs and it makes you superhuman. You're faster than a regular man. You're the fastest man there ever was. You have more stamina than any man. But what you can do is, and then on each leg of your spandex, you get lightning bolts.

your signature move is you get someone's head in between your legs and you just pop their head off. You just squeeze their head while you're like flexing your biceps to the audience. And as you're doing it, oh, here's what you do. While you're squeezing their head, you're pretending to be like getting electrocuted.

Like when your legs come together, it has like the electrical currency of lightning bolts because the lights in the place can go on and off. Like you're fucking with the electricity. And when you're about to get them, you can almost have like the light shut off for a second. And then everybody's exhausted but you.

Yeah. You're Thor from the waist down. Yes. What do you think of this idea? And part of the spandex then is you're just the grand Marshall. The grand Marshall is the guy who leads the parade. And that is the parade of the new force of like God, like characters of this league. And you are the first one. And that is thunder thighs. The next one could be another one. That's like a Greek God.

That's not bad at all, actually. No, we're talking. I can play with that. Right? There's something there. And then your look, imagine the lightning bolts. Imagine you running around when you got somebody in between the legs, you're shaking. Yeah, I have a new gear concept I'm working on. And that just gave me an idea because I've been fighting around with the color forever. And you just gave me a really good idea for it. What's the idea? It's that lightning baby blue.

I didn't think of a color at all until now. So what do you think about being Lightning Bolt, Thunder Thighs, the Grand Marshal of the Skies? I like that a lot. That's it. Grand Marshal of the Skies? That was the one. Okay, so that's your new name. And you are from the heavens above. And what do you think about your signature move being Squeeze Those Thighs?

So I already have a signature move that I use my legs for. So I, so I don't know how to describe it besides it's like, it's a jumping leg drop, but it's while the person's standing. So I'm able to jump up to them and I like, I straight vertically jump up to them. That's cool. Sounds cool. If you look it up, it's called, it's typically called the rough rider. I call it the spandex falls.

I like the idea of your spandex being your superpower, too. That's kind of very fun to me as you're putting it on and you kind of become the Superman, the Thor, as well. I feel like there's a lot of cool moving parts, too. And I think that's the idea, too, is that that's where the power comes from.

Yeah, exactly. I agree. I like that a lot. So Spandex, you called in with a great question. I think we gave you some good pitches. So the question to you is, what are you going to do? I think I might go with the Grand Marshal of the Skies. I like that idea. That's good. The lightning on the legs is a good design idea to work with that too for my new gear.

And I can definitely up that like crazy once I get that done. I think we're golden. Hey, real quick, can we just hear you like talk some shit as like a wrestler? Like talk to one of your opponents. I want to hear what the Grand Marshal of the Skies sounds like. So if you want me talking shit, it's going to sound more heelish, but that's fine. That's cool. Whatever. You're a badass. Is it okay if I talk shit to Gareth?

Sure. Yeah, he's not here. Oh, so here... So this is just hilarious. So I end up here. On we're here to help. I was expecting Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds, and here I am. No Gareth. Like, what's the problem here? Are we just incompetent? We can't connect people? I thought we had internet. We have internet for a reason now. So why can't we just reach out to the guy and bring him in? Or is he...

too good he thinks florida is just nothing it's a shit show i have yet i have yet to see a single show with gareth reynolds in florida i have been wondering i've been on gareth reynolds.com regularly still nothing and now he's ducking me now he's ducking me so now i'm gonna have to go to the west coast myself and find gareth reynolds i gotta say it's very good you're not a heel

I'm not. You're a good guy. You're a good guy. I agree. That was a nice way to put it, Jake. Mikey Spandex, we appreciate the call, man. You roll, dude. Thanks for calling in. Thank you, buddy. Thank you. This episode is brought to you by maybe my favorite. Yeah, my favorite tasting sponsor.

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Blue Nile dot com. Hi. Hi there. Welcome to We're Here to Help. America's Number One Podcast. Don't look it up. Can we get your name and where you're calling from, please? Yeah. Hi, everyone. My name is Sarah and I'm calling from Maryland. Sarah with an H or are we not doing the H? Where are we at? With an H. Without an H is wrong. Huge. Yeah. Classic. I have found.

There's a lot of beef in the Sarah world over the H and not the H. The H's think they're better and the no H's think they're better. Is this a big area of research for you? Anecdotally, I'm out there doing the people's minutiae work often. Yes. You'll notice, Sarah, with an H. Good Lord. That Jake is not here. In Jake's stead, we have the great Vic McAllis joining us, who...

I'll tell you, is providing a lot of help today. Michaelis, but Michaelis is cool, too. Reenactment. Hey, thank you, Kevin. I appreciate that. It's a quality. It's a quantity over quality with me, I think. I'm going to throw a lot of things out there. And what I like about your reenactments is that you go hard. You choose the character is flushed out, is defined.

Point of view, for sure. Well, also, here's the thing is like, I don't want you to I would rather give you the the the most intense possible situation because then you get there and you're like, oh, my God, was not that bad. You know what I mean? I like. Yes. OK, Sarah, what the hell is going on? What the hell is happening? For the love of God, what the hell is happening? Tell us.

Okay, well, so I've been dating my boyfriend for two years. Congratulations. Thank you. Way to go. This past February, he sent a picture of seasonal Valentine's Day gnomes to our mutual friend group chat. I sent the pictures to Kevin and that one was captioned, don't tell Sarah, but I'm getting her a gnome for Valentine's Day.

Notably, I don't want gnomes. This isn't a thing we've talked about. It was just a bit that he sent in the chat. Thing is, he's been sending pictures of gnomes in this chat and directly to me since February, almost every single week. And

So there's been St. Patrick's Day gnomes, there's been Fourth of July gnomes, literally all the gnomes you can think of. And the joke was, he was like, once I have disposable income, I'm going to start buying you gnomes. Good thing is we're both in school, so that hasn't happened yet. Until recently, he learned...

He learned how to make, like, sock gnomes. So he made me two Halloween-themed gnomes. Can we see those? Yep, there's a picture. Oh, those are the ones he made. Oh, yeah, they're good. They are good. See, that's the problem, because they're very sweet, right? What is the nose? I think it's like a wooden ball. It looks like a knob.

Yeah. Like a cabinet knob. Yeah. A handle, if you will. A handle, if you will. Okay, so now he can make them. Yeah, so this is a problem. Now I'm afraid that now that he has this knowledge and this skill set, that he'll just start making gnomes and giving me gnomes, which, again, I don't want.

I never said I wanted them. This is just a bit that he has created. So my question for you is how do I stop the nose? Can I tell you my honest read on this situation? Yes.

Because you know how like when I feel like classically when moms are like, oh, that's a cute dolphin. And then everybody gets the mom dolphin stuff for the rest of her life until she dies. And then they bury her in a dolphin casket. As is to want.

I am wondering if your boyfriend is trying to trick you into having a thing. That way it is like, oh, well, like, Sarah moans. And then it's just like a thing that he can run to CVS for your birthday and anniversary every single year. And just like, now it's your thing. That's my fear in this situation is that it's a bit that's turned into a purpose. Yeah. Well, you know, he's doing what?

I do when it's he's needling. It's fun. There's fun. He's having fun and you not liking his fun makes it more fun. But here's the thing. Anytime I like point out if I like point out a gnome, like if I see one with him, I'm like, oh, look, there's a gnome. He's like, see, I told you you like them. Yeah. Well, what are you doing? You are actively pointing out gnomes. You should not be pointing out. First, I mean, not to.

I mean, you should not be bringing in more gnome chat. Exactly. Exactly. I've learned not to do that. No, that's not what you do. To me, there's two paths. There is one where you just have to fully ignore it or you have to fight back and you have to retaliate with your own gnome.

So you've got to like bring trolls to a gnome fight or you've got to find something like hubbles or you've got to find like maybe dream catchers. Like you start overwhelming him and flooding his personal market with something that he would also find as a mild irritant, which is really what this is.

I think any of those things, though, would maybe be kind of charming based on this bit. So I think it has to be something that would be. I'm thinking those signs that are like it's wine o'clock somewhere. Yeah, my poodle didn't. I didn't rescue my poodle. My poodle rescued me like those type of signs. Like I think something that's going to be like kind of large and like obnoxious. That's off brand. That's going to be like we've also got to keep we've got to keep budget in mind.

But I think you can do that cheap. Yes. Or you can make them. I mean, there's a piece of wood and you write them, you know, like, you know, like gnome is where the heart is. You could even make them known. But I like that. I like the annoying kind of home goods, the Airbnb sort of neutral saying something without saying anything signs.

Do you know those at-home goods? Those, like, the jars and cups. I can't remember the name of them. It's like, it'll be a mug, and just mug will be written on it in, like, kind of, like, scraggly handwriting is the only way I can describe it. The Ray Dunn. Ray Dunn. The Ray Dunn sign. You know, mugs, I'll tell you, in the world of comedy, mugs and hoodies become my gnome. And it's very nice, and I do keep it all.

But mug wise, I've had to be like, we're done. I'm not. I can't. I get so many fucking mugs flooding him in the mug market. Could be you could be personalizing mugs at home, I bet. And just buying a bunch of blank mugs. And every time he gives you a gnome, give him a mug. Yeah.

Just could be a way to retaliate that way. You don't have to be looking for driftwood, but you could still kind of do these vacuous statements of nothingness on the mug. I don't know. So to me, fighting back is the way to do it in a similar with a similar caliber. What do you think of that pitch, Sarah? Does that do anything for you?

I'm definitely here for the retaliation. I like the idea of the mug, but what should I put on them? Like, I feel like I need something that's like, like you said, really going to needle him back on the same level as the note. You've been with him for two years. Well, there's something, there's something to me and maybe, and I think this is to fix pitch. Maybe it is like, I do like the idea of you having to come up with the most like,

Simple minded shit like, you know, that to me is funny. But what you could also do is you could just write embarrassing things he said or done throughout your relationship on the mug.

Um, just as a reminder, I would hate that. Like that would be annoying to highlight things that he's said or done that have embarrassed him or embarrassed you. Or you could also start grabbing pictures of him while he's sleeping. Like I, I have people sometimes take pictures. I like when I used to go on tour or when I go on tour with the doll, when we used to fly, um,

I used to pass out on the plane and my buddy would always I'd wake up when we'd land and I'd be like, Jesus Christ, 81 comments. What the fuck? And it would be like a video of me with my mouth open and like my head, like just an awful look. So you could start taking pictures of him while he's sleeping and just overload gross sleep face and start printing those on the mug.

Yeah, you could do that at Walgreens pretty cheaply if budget is a concern. Stuff like that that'll just kind of needle him a little more directly than the gnomes.

Okay. And then it's something where like, it's something that won't be embarrassing right off the gate. But then as soon as you have friends over and they're like, hey, can I have some like milk or whatever you're offering it like then you're handing it to them in these mugs and eventually it's going to be like, okay, maybe enough of the mugs. Well, that opens up an interesting twist too, which is that

These mugs could be going public. You could every time he gifts you a gnome, you gift someone in your friend world one of his sleep mug or like like I'm sure there's something that you're like that annoys you directly about him with what he does, like.

He pisses around the like you could take a picture of his piss around the rim of your toilet seat and like, all right, I'm going to give that to Charles and just let you know. Or like, oh, yeah, you clog the drain because of shaving, you know, or let me show people how you load the dishwasher. Like your little gripes, you can have you can take them mug public and be like, hey, here's what my husband, you know. So every time he gives you a gnome, you're going mug public.

I like this. It's kind of a... I feel like I can ramp it up. Yes. I like starting with the saying. Yes. Because that'll be easier than like... A quote of his that is stupid. Yeah, exactly. We have too many remotes. Yeah. Huge font. Yeah. I'll definitely do the stupid things to start. And then...

I mean, I assume he'll escalate back. So then I can escalate to photos or something a little more incriminating. Sleep face followed by incriminating things, I think, is a great direction for you. Okay. I really do like this. This is a good direction. I think that this is...

I think this is wonderful. And I and and again, Gareth, you give perfect advice. I am a fan of yours. Not really. And that is not true. No, you're wonderful in everything that you're greasing me up for. So I would trust my life. No, now it's going to be bad. Go. Here's my other pitch. OK, if because again, mugs, we're also committing to some a little bit of money that we're investing in this. Yes. If

gnomes become a thing what I can what my other recommendation would be is like we can start murdering these gnomes in public settings you know what I mean what if we start beheading gnomes and sending those photos back what if that ramps up what if we're drowning gnomes what if we got a gnome with a with a knife to his head yeah fire a gnome on fire a

So we're sending these photos back with how we've murdered. You could put a little bit of rope and a rock on a gnome and video yourself throwing it into the ocean or into a lake or something. Sarah seems to really like this pitchfork. Oh, yeah. A little bit of peanut butter on the gnome's lips and an EpiPen just out of reach. Or just the dog. Then a dog comes and ravages the gnome. I love that. I love that.

I think that's pretty good, too. I think I think retaliating with the no murder is good. I think what it does is it keeps your the gamesmanship specifically on the gnomes alive. And you can just start killing his gnomes in great ways. I like that a lot, too. I mean, I think either way, you've got a couple different ways to modulate your retaliation. Yeah.

So there's a couple options, Sarah. How do you feel about those and what do you think you're going to do?

I think I'm going to start killing gnomes. Great. I think that's a great pitch. I think it's great. I'm really excited for this, to be honest. You can also start sharing that in the group with the other people and have other people pitch ways to kill the gnomes in the group. How do you want to see this piece of shit go? A poll. Yeah. Electrocuting. Yeah. Yeah, right. Polls are great. Yeah. I mean, there's a lot of ways you can slice this gnome.

Is your partner Icelandic? No. You're fine then. Then I think it's fine. Is it in Iceland? Is that like gnomes are like real? So I'm like, that's maybe the only hiccup we're running into, but I think you're fine. They also eat puffins. So we're not, listen, that demo is- Do they? Yeah. I went there once and boy, oh boy, I'll tell you, they serve puffin stew at gas stations. It's a wild land. Let me tell you. I thought puffins were extinct. No.

Well, they're working on it over in Iceland. They are firing on all cylinders to get that reality to come true. We have this conversation every call about puffins do. Kevin's really good at editing out my puffin stuff. But H.R., I call it. But listen, this is this is not going to turn into another one of my puffin preaches. They're valuable birds. They shouldn't be stewed. Iceland, we don't want you listening.

But Sarah, I think that's great. I think Vic hit a home run here. I think you really just got to start murdering the gnomes and you can do it in so many fun ways. It's also just a great way to undercut the work he's putting in these things. See them drown or go up in smoke. So obviously we want to be included in how you kill the first gnome. So keep us posted and we look forward to having a gnome free home soon.

Thank you guys so much. I will definitely send you photo evidence of what happens to these gnomes. We need it. I can't wait. Of course. Thank you. Thanks, Sarah. Thanks, Sarah. Thank you. Sarah with an H. Sarah with an H.

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Hey everyone, it's the shark the original call from this next follow-up aired on september 19th It's called i'm the biggest daddy and it is the second call in the episode So if you'd like to listen as a quick refresher go for it. Enjoy Hello

Hi there. Welcome back. We know that you've called the show before, but we don't know what your problem was and how it worked out. So will you give us an update? Maybe tell us your name and what your first call was, and then we'll get into it. Yeah, for sure. So my name is Rory. I called in a couple months ago because I was having issues with my husband coming too fast. Wow. Rory or Aaron? Aaron.

So sorry, that's my wife's name. Okay, and then Rory, what did we tell you to do again? Yeah, so you had a couple suggestions. One of the first things, Jake, you told me to just put on some movie called Cocoon and see what that does. That's a bonus. I'll slow you down. Yeah, I looked it up. Weird. You guys told me to like...

start bringing up. That pitch is amazing. I don't even remember. It's unfair that I don't remember that. Yeah. Okay. So cocoon. And then what was the second? What else did we say? To like bring up chores that I needed him to do. During the middle. During coitus. Yeah. Correct. Okay. And then also to like make weird like character voices as well. Yes.

I love that our bitches are all ruined sex for him. By the way, the premise is how do we get him to last longer? Yeah. If I'm having sex and I'm seeing those guys jumping in the pool for cocoon and getting, you know, new life. I'm not thinking of finishing. We need a new recycling bin. And no, while she's going, we need a new recycling bin. I'm going to go like, I need a recycle bin. You just turned me into fucking sting. I can go for 12 hours.

Okay, so what happened? Walk us through it. What did you do? Sadly, we did not play Cocoon. Sorry. I tried at first to just kind of bring up the tasks. I had originally emailed Shark and was like, oh, we're good to go, but I think it was pretty

premature because it worked for like the first week or two and then we kind of had to reassess bring bringing up chores wait hold on walk you're jumping too fast just because you're in shark remand doesn't mean we know the audience isn't so congratulations on your side hang yeah i hope you guys had a lot of weird texts about your sex yeah way to do the show via email jake and i are in the dark yeah and also so was the shark when he read the email i was asking for more advice

Slower. Did it work? Please help. Just married. Need to know ASAP. Wife disappointed. This is sweet God. So walk us through what happened. So you started talking chores during sex and?

So I started and he was kind of just like, what? And I said, oh, you know, like the towel bar, like it needs to be fixed. He's like, why are you bringing, what do you mean? I said, yeah. He's like, are you, is something wrong? I was like, no, like this is fine. Like, let's keep going. But like the towel bar, we just got to make sure we get that done. And he just like looked at me. He's like, are you,

okay sure i'll get that done can you like finish what we're doing and i was like yeah yeah no yeah we can finish just just want to get that out there and then a second later he's like i'm finished ready for the bathroom all right which towel bar was it the guest or ours

Do you want me to finish? And I can do the telephone. And so he said, do you want me to finish? But it didn't quite go the way you wanted because he was really weirded out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then so I was like, okay, maybe that's not going to work. Cause after he was like, like, were you not enjoying it? Like you could just say we could stop if you, and I was like, no, that's not what it was. But it kind of just went in a direction of like, I'm thinking I didn't want to have sex at the moment. So we got to, we stopped. Oh, you guys stopped midway through.

No, no, no. After we finished, he was like, do you want to talk about that? That was weird. I gotcha. Okay. And you did not say you talked to a podcast.

Not, no, not yet. Okay, good. I was just like, Oh, like, no, this is a scientific experiment. Now I appreciate you taking it seriously. Okay. Then what happened? Of course, of course. Anything for science. Um, so the next couple of times I kind of just like put it to the side and then it was quick. And then, so after I called in, um,

So we just kind of, you know, the next couple times was normal. Like, it just happened fast. I didn't try the things to expand it because I was a little thrown off. Yeah, I get it. But after I called in, I was like, we should start re-watching New Girl. Because I just, like, obviously talking to you guys, I was like, let's start re-watching. So we've been re-watching, and obviously there's a lot of...

A lot of funny things that are said in the show. So I got a little drunk. And the next time I was like, I'm just going to say some things. So I started. I just started saying, sir, board.

right now that's our board um oh surfboard i thought you said i thought you said you said so bored so bored i was like don't say so bored so bored okay oh yeah surfboard okay so while having sex you started doing nick miller doing beyonce saying surfboard okay and how did that work out he came right away he said i've never i've never had a hard hair orgasm

And then you're calling in to go, I made a big mistake. Oopsie. Oopsie. We can only have sex watching New Girl now. So he was again, just like, what the fuck? And I was like, no, like, we're just going. And then we stopped and I kind of just threw it in a couple seconds later. I was like, sorry, I just have New Girl on my mind. And then we finished and I was like, I have to...

He's like, what is happening? But did it go, did it, just before we get to the talk you're about to have with him while saying things like surfboard, surfboard and him saying things like, what are you doing? Technically it did expand the intercourse. Yes.

Because he did stop. No one's excited about how it happened. But the time, if it's the time got longer. Which is all we're trying to do. Right. And 30 seconds is a lifetime to this guy. We didn't say you're going to have the best sex of your life. We said we could try to make it a little bit longer. It's like a monkey paw. Right? That's all we're looking for. This has a happy ending, I promise. For him, probably. So then around this time, the episode had came out.

So your episode of the podcast came out. OK, so I was like, this isn't working. I'm so then I just were he was making dinner one night and I just put it on the TV and we watched it on YouTube. I didn't tell him what we were doing. And I just like, oh, there's a new episode of we're here to help. Let's listen. Yeah.

And then he hears my voice and immediately goes, what the fuck? What the fuck? Immediately realized it was me. What a trippy life moment for him. Especially if you're just like, this is about how fast I come?

Yeah. You're totally right. He's sitting there like flipping a tortilla and he's like, the fuck did you do? Just talk to me. You call them back and tell me that I don't finish. Hey, welcome to We're Here to Help. How can you help? Hey, my name's Aaron. I'm married to a guy whose body looks like a toddler and when he fucks, it's gross. Hi.

He starts putting moves on me like arm bars and things like that. And he says, Dan in the garage, let him do that. But that's his weird dummy. Is it normal for a man to smell like weird meatloaf mixed with chili when he sweats? Honey, stop it. He always has taco seasoning on his fingers. Is that normal? But he never uses tacos. But he's never made tacos. All right. So you play it for him. He's in the kitchen, weirded out.

Then what happened? And then he was like, oh, okay. I'm understanding now why you're being weird. Sure. Okay. And so then... This is wild. I was like, yeah. I didn't know what... I was like, yeah. Like, I just... I had to try something. You know, I thought it would be... I thought it would be funny. And so then it just turned into, like, Old Fast and Shame. And he was like, oh, shit. Like...

this many people think i'm bad at sex and so now before like every once in a while before we would have sex i thought he'd be like are you gonna do weird shit like are you gonna do the weird shit they told you to do on the podcast and i said i'm not gonna be last long enough um and then he started lasting long enough because he didn't want to do weird shit and he didn't want to be embarrassed publicly so so ring the bell

Because I told him, I was like, well, I'm going to call back for a follow-up. I want to give the guys good news, but I will tell them if it didn't work. And so then I think that worked. Like, the threatening. The threatening of being embarrassed. This is a wit. So I think it's a wit. I think it's a wit. So let's be honest now. And don't think about him listening to this follow-up. Let's be honest. Before...

So when you guys would have sex before the call, the average time of sex was three to five minutes. Jake, stop. One to two. Like a minute and a half to two. One and a half to two. Okay. Three to five. Three to five. Five's deez, buddy. I don't know what you're doing over there. Five's deez. We can't go long. Five. Five minutes. Five's deez. Five's deez. Okay.

Uh, so now with the threats of public embarrassment and him not wanting you to do weird voices or talk about chores, what are we, what are we looking at numbers wise as a man of science? We're,

We're like a solid baseline of like seven, seven, seven, seven's above average. Seven's good. Seven's good. If anything too long. So how, and how do you feel longer? How do you feel like a baseline of seven? It's been great because like I,

I just, this changed our, this call changed our life. So we have like, we actually do more things now, different positions, different places. How many positions can you get into in 40 seconds? Yeah. We do this one called the towel rack where he begs me and I screw the towels in. That's how the towel rack broke. So now you guys are moving around and trying some stuff and he's liking it. Well, there's time. If you're doing it in the kitchen, it's just starting. You can do the flips.

It's helpful. Right. You guys have really...

opened up our sex life. And I mean, that is. And by the way, we should point out and we're really glad that you're on the call, Rory, because when we ring the bell, when we have a winner, that's the first time we've actually doesn't make a sound. Yeah, it's probably too loud for the mic. You hear it over here? No, it's ringing. Just imagine a bell ringing. It'll it'll be in the episode. Our bell doesn't ring. It rings. It's just the mic. It's the mic issue. Yeah.

The Zoom's cutting it out, but the audience cutting it out. I got you. I promise you. Yeah, too loud. This is humiliating. We have a bell that doesn't ring. And we should thank the Caddyshack who made us this bell. Pretty cool. Cat rescue. So this is good news. We appreciate the call. We hope you guys continue to have sex for seven plus minutes. And it all seems very positive. Do you want me to tell my mother just walked by? Should I tell my mother the update real quick?

Absolutely. I think she knows. Hey, mom, Rory's husband is having sex longer because of our podcast. Ooh. Okay. Ooh. All right. We appreciate the call. Thanks, Rory. Bye. Bye. Bye.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKeon. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

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