159: Gareth's Faves: Smeagol's Dump & Floor-igin Story (with Andy Samberg) (Re-release)
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This is a HeadGum Podcast. You okay, buddy? I'm not great. I mean, I'm okay, but I'm not great, honestly.

I mean, I'm fine as a whole. How real is the question? Because I can go kind of deep on this. I mean, honestly, I don't think you want to hear it, if I'm being honest with you. Let me tell you after the recording. There's some stuff I can't even get. I can't even start to formulate the words or I'll weep. Every time before we start, I ask Natalie for two to three things.

And one of them is always the link. And I always am like going to my email and I'm like, I don't want to do it. And then I'll go to the link. Like I have like, I have like two minutes and I'm like, how did it come to this again? Yes. Um, and then I'll text her and I'll be like, Hey, can you send the link?

Well, usually it's a couple hours beforehand and you're like, what time are we doing this again? And then... See what she's... I mean... No, Rob. Rob, while you're here... You're very clearly worse with technology, but I think... Rob, mute yourself. It's because you have a new setup every time. Jake is just plugging in and it never changes. That's right. You're in some weird lady's motel room. Can I take us back to the time when we were trying to figure out

What was wrong with Jake's mic for no less than 15 minutes and he just hit the mute button on the actual mic? May I take us back to that time? Fair point.

Yeah. Also, Gareth, are you okay, buddy? I'm fine. I'm sick of being asked that question by everybody I care about. I'm fine. So if any of you are out there, don't ask again. By the way, do you need the turn of everybody I care about? I am cutting people out of my life right now. Do you understand me? Oh, no. This is getting dark. Hold on, Jake. You want to get cut out, ask me how I am twice in a row. How are you, buddy? I'm good.

I'm good, dude. Are you sure? Are you sure? Stop it. So we got a re-release, and this is a Gareth Reynolds special. I don't know what it is. Gareth, what are we doing this Wednesday? Well, Jake, we got two. One I think is we sleep on this call a lot. Andy Samberg joined us, because you worked with him in Self Reliance, and Andy, I felt like, came in...

and really knocked the call out of the park. We talk about Justin Long. We talk about Cat Reitman, Katie Nolan, Lamorne, obviously, even though we're still in the middle of the beef. Andy was a killer. Yes. The subject matter is insane. So if you have heard it, I still think it's worth hearing again. So that's the first one.

And the second one, well, let me ask you this, Jake. You've accused me a number of times on the show of making it about myself.

What was this whole intro? It feels like a 10-year-old boy's birthday party. No, it wasn't. The intro was about us. The intro was about us. Okay, what's up, buddy? Are you okay? Why are you doing that tone? Because that is a... All I can do it back, that's a gaslighting tone. Okay. Are you... Hey, Jake, what's going on? You all right? You seem to be asking me if I'm all right a lot. Just trying to get through the intro, my king. For the second one...

Is probably the one that I get asked the most about personally is the Parmesan on the floor call. Which one was that? So I believe it's that the woman in the office is... The other woman takes her shoe off. Yeah, she's not wearing shoes enough. So we pitched the hell out of it.

And I think sometimes people get lost because we call back to it a lot. That's a great idea. So the second call is from episode 68 or 86. It is the Parmesan in the floor origin story, the Florigen story. You know what I would love, and I know I'm going to set us up for a volleyball spike that we don't have and probably don't have time to do it, but a frigging follow-up for it. Ooh. Right now.

Yeah. How close are we to having that ready now, guys? Give us 10 minutes. That would be a very good follow-up. Are we doing that call today? No, I wish. No, no, no. That's a great idea, though. Maybe if Gareth had come up with that idea himself. See what she does? Do you see what she does, Jake?

That's why she's not a tech. Nobody's attacking me, Garrett. We're just trying to get through the opener and figure out what's happening. Hey, are you okay, Garrett? You're driving the train, Garrett. This is yours. And we're hitting every stop we're supposed to right on time. I agree. Okay. Maybe take the train mic away from me. Sure. I'll concede that. Sure.

Are you okay, Kieran? What is happening? I'm fine. I'm being fun. Nobody's attacking you. I'm being fun. I'm having fun and I'm being fun. And it's coming across to those listening. I'm excited for the Sandberg one.

And then, Rob, you guys do their podcast, right? We do. Right behind Natalie, you can see a picture of it. The Lonely Island and Seth Meyers podcast. Those were the guys who produced my movie. And all three of them, Seth wasn't, but all three of those guys are crazy talented in their own way. I was telling Gareth during it, I was like, oh, man.

And I was like, I felt jealous of how, like, they all help each other. They're all really smart. They all have different skills. I was like, that is a little army they've got. Yeah. No, they are the best. Yes. And just to come back this year and flex on Sushi Glory Hole, just to remind people how good they are. But anyway, those are the re-release calls. And again, I just want to reiterate, Jake, before we get into it, I'm fine. Great. Okay. Without further ado. Hello, hello.

This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Hero Bread. I am currently on our 71 and a half of a 72 hour water fast, and I'm about to read copy for Hero Bread, which is my favorite bread.

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This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Booking.com, booking.yeah. Every time I use Booking.com to find a place to stay in the U.S., I know they'll have exactly what I'm looking for. Listen, I talk about Booking.com very regularly because I use Booking.com very often.

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Hello. Whoa, hey. Hey, how are you? This is, uh, can I get your name, please? Yes, Bilbo. Oh, Bilbo. Isn't Baggins? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. We're all big fans of you. Yeah, from Bag End. Okay, and Bilbo, where are you calling from? I'm calling from Los Angeles. Hey-o. Hey-o. Now, you're on with Jake Johnson, Gareth Reynolds, and Bilbo, we got a special one.

Uh, we've got a man who I guess would be the reason why my movie got greenlit, Andy. That's generous. By you agreeing to be in it. Then all of a sudden we got old Anna Kendrick too. So Mr. Andy Samberg's on the call. Hi. Oh boy. That's right, Bilbo. High stakes. All right, so Bilbo. Bilbo, are you quite ready to go on another adventure? Take us with you, Bilbo.

I'm ready to tell you a tale. Okay. Young lady, the floor is yours. So me and my husband, we'll call him Frodo.

It's a little bit problematic. You guys ended up together. We're going with it. Yeah. For sure. Yeah. Well, I'll try to focus through the eroticism. Okay. I mean, my husband and a couple close buds built a recording studio and we get one of my personal musical heroes coming in for a crazy session that he's going to book with my husband as his engineer. Um, well,

We'll call him Sneagle. Sure. And on the last day of the session, I'm working next door in our other studio and I'm like, yo, Proto, how's it going? And he's like, today I found not one, but two chips in the toilet. Two what? Two chips.

Two unflushed human poop in the toilet. And I was like, yikes, that's a weird situation too. And he was like, and that's not it. There was no toilet paper. The lid was down. The light was on and the door was closed each time. And I was like, that's psychotic. A couple of weeks passed. He comes back.

to finish some more stuff on this session before I can even like ask my husband, like how his day was. He was like, before, before you even ask, like, yeah, same thing. Huge dump. So hold on, hold on, hold on. I got to understand what the hell's happening on this call. There's a musician who comes to your studio, takes a dump in your bathroom. He doesn't use toilet paper. He closes the door and he leaves the lid up.

Yes, he's not down. He's not wiping. No flush, no wipe, lid down, light on, door closed. It's a very specific move. This artist is treating the bathroom as if the room itself is a plastic bag and the door shutting is burying it under the earth. It's so crazy. It's so crazy. It's so crazy.

I have no shame around spreading this news because I think it's so funny and also mad disrespectful. Hey!

How is this mad disrespectful? Just because he doesn't flush? Yeah. Or wipe. Well, he's an artist. He's an artist. Jake, you're pulling the curtain back a little too much for everybody on this one, to be honest. Who would flush their art? Who would flush their art? Is that what you just said? Yes. Jake, that's not what he's producing. You're not talking about some mid-level fucking yuck. You said he's a top guy. It's the toilet paper that...

is hurting me the most. Gareth, do you think this person is so healthy that it's clean break every time? It could be, but I mean, that is, you are really, that's a real Russian roulette move on your health. Yes, you are depending on your system greatly. So what is your question? Is it, what do you do now? Because this is just a setup. So my question is, how do I, someone who knows the person, but isn't on his session, how do I bring it up?

Yeah. Okay. So I think I'm going to start off. So the question on this one is just to paraphrase really quickly, you own a studio. There's a musician who comes in your fans of him. You respect them. He takes dumps in your studio with no toilet paper and he does not flush. And it's happened a lot and it's a reoccurring thing and it's going to continue to happen. And you're feeling disrespected to the point of, should you bring it up? And if so, how is that correct?

Yes, sir. So I'm going to say 100% you bring it up. Wow. That's so interesting, Jake. Yeah, that is not where I would go. Yeah. I was going to say 100% don't. I'm on team Andy. There's only one way it can go if you bring it up, in my opinion.

How? Super awkward. Yes. And then never work together again. Or you bring it up in a conversational way. Give me an example of how that works. Yeah, walk us through that. Andy, you pretend you're the guy. Oh, I would love to. Thank you. And I'll pretend to be Bilba. Okay. Great take for me. Here I go. Gotta go to the bathroom. Oh, my God.

No toilet paper. Gonna put the lid down. Leave the lights on and go ahead and close the door. That's my normal thing that I do. Doop-de-doop-de-doo. Heading back to the studio. I'm ready for another take. Ha ha ha.

I'm not bringing it up now because you're on fire. So take two and we're rolling. That's what happens. The genius overwhelms. That's the way. If that's the genius and he needs it to stay hot, well, I'm an engineer, man. I'll flush a fucking toilet to get that gold. But what I would do now is we're playing Andy. Let's do it again. And the day's over. Bill, do you ever see him socially? Yes.

you do okay that's what i was thinking i know but this but this is so much more station no bill but it's better because you can't do it in the studio when he's dropping heat right right andy just showed you that maybe it'll throw off the sash maybe it's part of it but now andy we're at a dinner getting drinks after and we're all hanging okay we had a great session

All right, so Andy, if you want to start as our guy, let's call you a bill, but give us a name for the musician. Just use his real name, please. Schmeagle. No. What's his real name, please? Nice try, Jake. You're good. Some say the best. Gareth, I need you on my team here, baby. Yeah, can we? Okay, just for, okay. We're taking a pause recording the name. So, okay. Schmeagle, we're at the bar. We just sat down. We just had some food. Eating food.

You were on fire today. Oh, my God. Thank you, brother. You dropped some really great. I mean, I think this album's the best you've ever done. Are you serious? Man, I hope so. I'm hoping so. Put my heart and soul into it. You know how it is when you're a musician artist. But what's your favorite song from this album? For sure.

Stinks, roses and petals. That's a great one. It is. I love the lyrics that I wrote. What are the lyrics again? And how does the melody go? It goes... Roses and petals...

Again, what a hit. Yeah, and then there's that big bass drop. Yeah, I bet. So you know what I was thinking in terms of, I just have a question for you, because I've noticed you're a pretty clean eater. Oh. And I'm trying to get healthier myself. Do you feel when you go to the bathroom that, and if this is too personal, we don't have to do this talk, but do you mind, Smeagol? I'm not sure what the question is, so I can't answer it.

Do you feel like when you go to the bathroom, sometimes it's so clean you don't have to wipe? I don't. I'm not sure I follow.

when you go to the bathroom because your diet is so good smiegel do you feel because with me i have to wipe so much it's disgusting and it's wasteful it's like personal information to me trying to loosen me up well i was hoping you weren't going to be so aware of that i just didn't realize this was a profile for fucking us weekly

What I'm trying to say here, Smeagol, is do you take dumps in our toilet and not use toilet paper? Oh, so it finally comes to a head. Well, yes, I do. And you know what? If you tell anyone, I'll kill you. And we're never working together again. And we're not really friends. Okay, that went sideways. I got to tell you, Bilbo, that went sideways. Boy, the mind of an artist. Yeah.

And I would work with him again because his music was fire. But here's what I honestly think. I think if you don't bring this up, that's a very easy move, right? It's really easy to just not bring it up. But the longer you work with this guy...

the more it's going to happen. The hanging socially does complicate it. Yes, because you know him. Go ahead, Garth. What if you put a sign in the bathroom? Sometimes you go to public places and there's signs in the bathroom that are like, don't flush the towels because someone tried that. So what if there was a sign in there? You did think of this or you did this?

But it feels so funny to be like, flush your shit. To you. But if you think about the fact that like, I mean, this, I would say this is a good starting point to just sort of be like, hey, we don't know who it is. But FYI,

something along the lines of like these are old pipes when you flush please hold it like something that just is indicating that flushing is mandatory and which again this should not be necessary or garth shame a little bit okay give me that pitch what does that sign please please flush thin walls we can all smell oh man that is that's why brutal that is i know in walls fit

the thin wall. First off, you don't want to advertise your thin walls at a recording studio. Facts. Facts. How about this? How about this? Thinnest walls in town. Come on down. You can hear the drilling.

What about something in the world of please flush? Smells have been intense. Because you're not saying to him, hey, man, we know it's you. We're saying we know that you know that you're not flushing. Shared bathroom, please make sure you flush. Ooh, ooh, wait. I have a new pitch. Okay. Do it. Water pressure not strong. Please flush twice. Yes. I like that, too. Ooh.

It's you're basically saying, hey, sometimes you accidentally don't flush. And the wiping thing is just that's we can't fix that. What do you think of that, Bilba, about putting up a sign? I like that. Like, you need to flush. Wiping's on you. Ooh. Wow. Hold on, guys. That's really passive aggressive, but it's really good. I think it's just aggressive.

I'll say this. Well, because you're not doing it face to face. A sign in general is a passive aggressive, like roommates in college kind of a move. Yeah. Like when there's three people in your apartment and you put up a sign being like,

Just a reminder, everyone who lives here needs to do the dishes. Also, please don't eat other spaghetti, especially when that one person just got home from work and was excited. So, Bilba, let's be clear. Do you have the guts to confront this person face to face? I think I do, but not in a social setting.

That could be like caught in the ass, you know what I mean? Yes. That's what I was going to say. Hey, man. Follow. Yeah, notice that.

I don't know, like, because I'm not on the sessions, which would be more hilarious. But you're close to where the studio is. Oh, yeah. So why not have your your husband text you when it's break time and he's going in there? You come in, you follow artist into the bathroom after like directly and come out and go, hey, whoa, you left. That's a big leave behind.

Bill, does this sound like you might do this? Because there's a move here. I think that's where I'm leading, but I'm scared. So then here's what I would do. This is intense. So I like what Garth said about having your boyfriend text you. I like standing right at the door so when he opens it, he knows that you know for sure.

Right. So one more time. My leavings are godly. Andy, will you be Sméagol walking out of the bathroom and Bilba, will you try to confront him and let's see what happens? Great. All right, here we go. So Sméagol's in the bathroom. Click, click, door opening. Hey, yo, hey, yo, oh, fuck, yo.

Oh, hey, Eagle. Bilbo. Oh, I'm just going to use the bathroom myself also. Great. Because I do that too. Can't wait to see you in a professional and personal manner moving forward. Yep. Me too. Oh, look at that. Everything is on and the lid is down. Whoa, Nellie. Hi, my friend. Hi.

You left a huge dump in the toilet. And I have to ask you to take care of that. I'm going to just leave for a sec. You go ahead.

All right, Frodo, let's kick it. I'm already all the way back at the booth. I agree. Good. Bilbo, your pacing is so slow and weird. He's not hanging out while you do this. It's longer than the time. I agree. He's deep in his second song while you're talking to nobody going, so you should know that. About the human digestive system. Frodo, should we do a harm stack right here?

Holy schmoly nelly. There's a dumper in the toilet bowl. Whoa, nelly. It needs to come back. That's also part of my takeaway. I'm 100%. You can auto-tune that. My falsetto's off today.

I'm screaming after letting loose the biggest dump of all time. All right. I think we're ready to wrap this one up, Bilba. I think here's where I'm at. Here's your options from us. You can bring up socially in a bar environment. Hearing how you do it as your friend on this, I'm not going to recommend it.

You could put up the number two is just let it go. You're a business. He's a big client. He wants to shit and do weird things. Just it's worth having him. Number three is put up a sign, something that's very clear that says, please flush twice or, you know, we need you to flush your dumps or it's disgusting not to flush something in that zone.

The next option is a caught in the act routine that we just painfully lived through. So, Bilba, where are you at? Or maybe I'm not going to stand outside the bathroom door. Good.

super weird. But if he's in the studio again, I'll probably just like a little knock, knock. Hey, just a reminder. We got to flush the toilet. You are going to do that, Bill? There's a huge distance between the sign and knocking and being like, hey, start with the sign.

I would start. Let's just start small and go. Will you do this? Let's let's end this with a window. Will you can we decide on a sign right now? And would you put it in the bathroom, even though he's not there as a new store policy? Like a photo of it. Flushing is man mandatory. Yeah. What font do you want?

Oh, wingdings for sure. Yeah. Yeah. Would you do wingdings, laminate it, and would you put it pretty big over the toilet that says flushing is mandatory? If he comes back and he takes a dump and he does not flush after the sign, then it's time to confront him. Bilbo, are you going to do it?

Yeah. Will you send a photo to Kevin? Yep. Yeah. And last, before we go and we need to do this for everything, this is how we end all of them. Can you please tell us the name of the musician really fast without thinking? We end every call like this. Like Jake said, this is not out of the ordinary. Bilba, thank you for the call. We're getting off. Okay, bye. Good luck. Bye.

Hi. Hi there. Welcome to We're Here to Help. Can we get your name, age, and where you're calling from, please? Yeah, absolutely. My name is Beverly. I'm calling from Fayetteville, Arkansas. Sure. And I'm 29 years old. Wow, that took a turn.

It's a new girl thing. You know this as a cast member. Oh, right. When we do 29. Yeah. No, when Max does it. We can do it together. When we did it, though. No, no, hold on. Oh, God. We're not going to go down that road.

All right, three, two, Beverly, what is going on? What can we help you with? Yeah, absolutely. So I just got a new job. Woo-hoo. Congrats. I started last week. With this new office job, I have a little bit of a hurdle that I wasn't expecting and is pretty horrific, and I really need y'all's help with it. Let's go. My cubicle mate every day after lunch...

she takes a horse for a walk for lunch she takes a walk outside and then she comes back and she removes her shoes and her socks and she airs out her toes in our shared cubicle space

I'm gonna share the picture that you sent. Oh, okay, gotta go. Oh, fuck me. Oh, Beverly. I believe in no free toes, but this felt like essential footage to share with you guys. Foot-age. Mm-hmm. Is the smell part of this? The smell is definitely... I mean, again, I live in Arkansas. It is humid here, and she's taking lunchtime walks. Ooh.

There really is an odor. There's an odor. And if you can notice, like I was trying to be as fly as possible, but like, they're not, they're not staying underneath her desk. Right. Can you pull up the pic one more time? Yeah. You guys, no one else is freaking out at the office. No, everyone plays it cool. In one of the pictures, you can see like someone standing in the background, like right on the carpet. Yeah. Crazy. Oh,

Okay, so walk us through. So my guess is the question is, how the hell do you handle this, right? Are you a mind reader? Have you done this before? Yeah, so basically... Only about 100 episodes. Yeah, I've listened to everyone. Thank you. We appreciate you. We appreciate you, Beverly. You're one of the good ones. Are we talking directly to her? Are we going over like, hey, what do we value in a cubicle here? This is our shared space.

I've talked to my chiropractor about it. I've talked to a lot of my friends. There's a lot of people in who are like following along who are very invested. I was like, I've talked to my chiropractor. She's baffled. Exactly. Exactly. Anyways. So I guess my question is like, who do I go to? And then after that, like, what do I say? Like, what are my next steps? This is too much. So.

We're going to be able to help here for sure. Oh, yeah. I already got some weird ones. Save those for a second because we're going to get there. Let's just get a little bit of backstory. Yeah, let's just get a little bit of backstory, Beverly. She's not your boss, is she? No, no, no, no. But she has more seniority than half of the people in the office. But that doesn't... She's not the boss, though, but she's been around. So in her eyes, you're in her house.

right yeah so it's like a hazing nope it's just it's like her point of view she's been there long enough that you're working in her living room yes okay and she's so comfortable there that she's like who cares you know nobody's ever cared now um question about let's give her a name how about a fake one so we don't offend her of course call her diamond so what's diamond's personality like

She doesn't really have an inside voice, but always has something interesting to say. - She's fine. - She's fine. - Mm-hmm. And she... I don't know. We're still getting to know each other. It's honestly, like, it's hard for me to see past the loose piggies. You know what I mean? So maybe that's it. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Maybe I need to get to know her more. I just feel like this feels like a really big roadblock.

- Yeah. - It's tough. - I feel like hiking, since I'm outside, we talked about that. I don't know. - Oh, gross. I wish he didn't. - Yeah, it'd be great. It's just gross. When I fly, like if I'm on a long flight, I will go shoes off, but I will hide 'em. But when I see people go shoes and socks off,

That to me is like, what is going on? That is that's just a bridge too far. It's really bad. Yeah, my skin is crying. Yeah. But first of all, I think because you like you're saying you kind of want to preserve the job. You don't want to rock the boat. I don't think you want to confront this head on. I don't think you want to go above her and complain. Oh, no, no, no, no. Yeah. I think we've got to either die hard, shoot the glass.

or we've got to just come up with ways that would dissuade her from taking her shoes off. Gareth, you want to start pitching some stuff of how to get her out of this as we're trying to figure this one out? Okay, so here's the first one that I would say is just a way to dissuade her a little head on. And that would be to say that you're seeing spiders, that you've seen a few spiders, that you think you got bitten by a spider at work.

- What about releasing a rat? - Yes, but I think like what's good about a spider is that she can't, first of all, if it got connected to Beverly, she wouldn't get in trouble. - But here's what I'm afraid of with that. If it's-- - Right, there's cameras in the building, so like-- - Yeah, okay, we're not gonna release a rat. - You can't ratatouille. - You'll be the weirdest.

But so here's, then we need something more than a spider and here's why. Because she could not connect that to her feet and be like, ew, disgusted. Okay. Lucy, you want to hear the other specials? Yes. I think what you could do is if you wanted to try to out-weird her, you start clipping your toenails in the cubicle. Holy shit. Ha ha ha!

best response we've had in a while holy you you sort of go like you invented a locker room like i'm in my living room yeah we're in the locker room this is a party so gareth we had a call similar to this with a man who flossed in the living room yeah and we talked to his wife about clipping that makes sense because we're at home god damn it beverly's at work it's but this woman is making it home but the woman is not the boss

No, okay. I think there's got to be a slide. I like spiders. I think there's something there to say like... Here's another one. Go ahead. You start Parmesan-ing the floor. Oh my God. Classic. You start putting Parmesan on the floor. We can't keep pitching this. We've cut this out of 65 out of 80 episodes. Maybe this one will stick. I'm telling you.

Someone is gonna parmesan the goddamn floor. - Okay? - By the way, parmesan the floor is a great idea.

- Yeah. - Parmesan it, a little water on it, she'll start to feel a little footy film. - Yes. - And she'll start going, "What the hell?" - Here's one B on Parmesan. You're talking post her exercise or feed her out, you're eating spicy Chinese food or Mexican food with weird hot chili oils, you spill it on the floor, you tell her you're really sorry, as you're cleaning it, you rub it in all over her area and it's hot oil. Or, ooh, let's get weird.

You drop a glass and you break it. This is really good. You go like this. Hey, you get there early. You get a really thin wine glass or some water glass. Drink wine. Yeah, I should be arriving to work early with wine glass. Fair enough. Any sort of thin glass that breaks, if it's cameras, they can't see you break it. And if it drops more than three times and it doesn't break, you're a weirdo. Well, you know what you could do is you could get that fake breakaway Hollywood glass.

glass so that it actually so you could get out of it everywhere you shatter it and when she comes everywhere you could say Beverly it's fake pump the brakes Beverly pump the brakes let us drive everywhere fake blood everywhere I thought we're going to Hollywood no but I think this idea is something

What if you did this, Beverly? You got one of those fake, you can get it on Amazon, I'm sure, breakaway glass so it's easy. You fill it with water, you accidentally knock it, it breaks everywhere. You clean it as much as you can. When she comes in, you put a note up

that you say, "Sorry, broken glass in this area. Because it's carpeted, can't get it all. Be careful." No, that's, like, really good. I feel like I need to introduce another character, but if we don't have enough time, then... -We don't have to. -Please, we do have time. Beverly, we have time. -Who is this? -The receptionist. Or, like, the-- She, like, lords over the building, and she notices that it's, like, a picture frame is, like, off-kilter, and she'll, like, send out,

a mass email to everyone of like who did this to the picture frame and she's always checking if the housekeepers are doing their job and like going in very tedious so I would hate for someone to you know what I mean for like Tim or well Tim we'll call her Tim to get on to someone else because of the mess I made I understand but I also hear where you guys are coming from and it's goofy and it's fun

I understand. But you're right that it's going to make the receptionist get really OCD, be really tough on the janitors. Everyone's life's going to get bad. And then Diamond's going to be walking around shoeless. How about something like this? An anonymous note to the receptionist saying, just so you know, there is a coworker in your

floor in your building walking around shoeless rubbing their feet all over everything there has been word that there might be athlete's foot spreading I thought you would want to know because I expected more from you right and then the receptionist goes like

We got a rat. Yeah, Tim's going to freak out. Everything's got to be perfect. The picture frame's got to be perfect. And you just go like... And then all of a sudden, the answer is no. And then it's a battle between them. And then you could sit back and go like, I don't even know what's happening. Another one, pop...

Two thumbtacks in the carpet near where she goes barefoot. Home alone-er. Home alone-er. We're not... Hold on. Home alone-er. Why don't you throw a paint can at her head and burn her with an iron? Home alone-er. Tar and feather the woman. We can't inflict pain.

How about this? Wet the carpet and shock it. Electrocuter. Home alone-er. How about this? I got one. Okay. This is in the world of the nails. Don't wash your feet for three days. Get your feet smelling yeasty and disgusting. We all know it's not far off. Within 30 hours, all of our feet are the feet of an animal.

Really cook those sons of bitches, Beverly. When she takes her shoes off, you take yours off. Your smell has to be so intense that she goes like, ooh. You know what I think we do on that one? We parmesan your feet.

Why not? Tonight. And then let them cook for three days. We parmesan your socks and you wear the same socks for three days and you're joining the locker room and you've got little flaky parmesan smells. I mean, I honestly think there's something too. If I did something where I took my shoes off and somebody else did and their feet were disgusting and I thought mine were fine...

I would put mine on, and then if they put theirs on too, I would be like, let's agree to disagree. I'm just keeping these on, and they keep theirs on. Yeah, yeah. So we've got some options for you, and I want to kind of hear where you're at. This doesn't necessarily mean the end, but we've got the world of spiders. Right, coming from down under. Yeah.

coming from down under uh spiders from down under we've got the idea of maybe put like a mouse get a field mouse put it in your purse when her feet are off just put your purse on the ground let it crawl out of your purse we've got the parmesan cheese just put some lunch on cheese on the floor i guess hope the camera will catch you because if they if they catch you

Yeah, but if the camera catches a rat coming out of your bag, they're going to have some other questions too, Jake. I agree. I noticed you punched up your pitch and post a little bit, by the way.

I have a soft version of that, which is just like casually saying like, did you hear about the mold on the carpet or something? Oh, Kevin, thank you. You always come in. Yes. All right. Look, we all love Kevin. But Jacob has been working hard for the month. It's a bit. It's a lot. It all changed with my with my mom said that thing. I'm more Kevin. Now there's this idea that Kevin. There's a perfect amount of Kevin. But there's a perfect amount of Kevin. So.

So then we've got this idea of breaking glass, which you didn't like. Right. We've got the idea of the anonymous note to the receptionist. And I love that because I also love a good gossip, and I feel like that would really travel well. Ooh, what about the... Throughout the building, right? What about a few random notes on pieces of paper that you leave throughout the building and create, like Johnny Bananas did in The Challenge...

-Hell yeah. -An earlier season just creates chaos. -Create chaos. -Get people to talk.

But the issue I find there is that, you know, you don't want her to be attached to the chaos. If the chaos gets traced back to her, then everything becomes real weird. I'm leaving the notes, like, if I'm typing them up so they can't see my handwriting. Agreed. Right? That's how all the other notes are, like, in the kitchen that are, like, clean up your shit. Sure. And different things like that. And you know where else you could leave them? You could leave them while you, like, reach into the fridge. Leave it in the fridge so no cameras are watching that.

And the note says, have you seen the stinky toes? Ooh. Put those little piggies away. Put those little piggies away. So Beverly, what do you think you're going to do here?

Yeah, I honestly love the note idea. I could get to the Parmigiano-Reggiano idea if I knew where the blind spots were on the cameras. So those are the two directions that I'm feeling that are the most me, that are the most like true to who I am and the most like realistic. That's good. Here's two ways, two things with the Parmesan pitch. But I think if you like, no, go with it.

Two things you can do with the Parmesan is nobody's going to fucking go back. These cameras probably delete their footage after 24 hours. So nobody's going to be going back and CSI-ing the cameras to see where the Parmesan came from. But if they do, so embarrassing. You haven't met Ken, but I hear you. Okay, here's the way to cover it. One day for lunch, you're going to Sbarro.

You grab a slice and you fucking load up a tray with Parmesan. And when you're sitting at your cubicle eating it, you're fake. You're kind of emerald. Yes, you're just yes. You're dumping it every year. A sloppy eater. Worst case scenario, you're a little sloppy Parmesan piggy. So your thought, Beverly, is you're going to put a note around. Are you going to actually do this? Well, now I'm thinking spiders. Now I'm thinking spiders post Parmesan sandcastle.

Wow. What a twist you've thrown our way. So what does that mean, spiders? Walk us through. I'm just thinking, like, okay, so I usually get to work, like, about 15 minutes before she does. So I can do something, like, along the lines of, like, hey, like, I don't know. I'm kind of, like, not really a critter person, but I feel like I saw something crawling around our cubicle. Oh, good. Good.

So why don't you just early in work while on camera pretend to see a black widow under the table, take your shoe and kill it and then go like, whoa, whoa. And then everybody all day, you go like, I killed a black widow right under Diamond's desk. - I wouldn't even kill it. You saw it and you got a picture of it and you looked, when she comes in, you have the Google image of a black widow up and you go, I literally, this is literally what I just saw on our carpet, a black widow. I just Googled it. This is what was on our carpet.

I threw my, I was like trying to hit it with my shoe, but it like made a move. So there is like a black widow here. I'm pretty sure. Oh my gosh. We have a ton of ticks here. We have so many ticks. And she was just talking about, oh, she just got a new dog and they went hiking this weekend and they like had to get all the ticks off the dog and they don't know if they got them all. Good. And she's freaking out about ticks. That's good.

Yes. So that's great. You live to go like this. Hey, I just want to let you know, I saw two ticks in the carpet this morning and you say it when her feet are off. You do that, Beverly, as a favor. You go like this. Hey, girl, be careful with your feet off. I literally saw a tick right in this right where you were this morning. She'll go like, yes, you gross. And I go, I'm telling you, Diamond, check yourself. But I would keep those shoes on.

That's good. There we go. Because I care about you and I don't want you to have Lyme disease. Because if you get that in your foot, that could lead to Pan's disease. That could be real bad. Plus, someone put a note in the fridge about the ticks. Also, there's a ton. And then she goes, maybe the ticks are here for all the Parmesan floor, all the Parmesan that's everywhere. I like a Parmesan pizza. There's a rat coming out of your purse. All ideas are the best idea.

- Home alone. - Beverly, and then all of a sudden when she says that, a bucket of paint hits her right on the face and she falls into a Christmas tree. And then you go on a little zip tie out of there. - And then Beverly just runs three feet, goes to her knee and goes, "Yes!" - And keep the change, you filthy animal.

Beverly, we appreciate the call. I think Tix is it. It took us a while, but I think we all nailed it. Yeah, for sure. Good team effort. Thank you guys. And then follow up with us right away. Yeah, dog. All right. Y'all have a good one. You too, bud. All right. Thanks. Bye. Bye.

Hey everyone, producer Kevin here. The original call from this next follow-up aired on June 10th. It's called Seeing Past the Piggies and it's the first call on this episode. If you'd like to listen as a quick refresher, go for it. Enjoy. Hi. Hi, welcome back to the show. Oh my goodness. Happy to be here. It's been a long time. It's been a long time. Remind us of who you are, what your problem is, and give us a gosh dang follow-up.

Oh man, here for that. My name is Beverly. I am calling from Arkansas. And it was about a month ago that we chatted last about a certain co-worker

with a certain habit of removing toes did you say toe worker? I did say toe worker I think so get it get it trending so this was about the woman who you worked with in a hot office she takes her shoes off and Gareth suggested parmesan in the floor which was still an all-time favorite for me and so what did you do what's happening walk us through it where are we at

Yeah, well, I just want to say I really appreciate the validation from you guys and from the Here to Help community. So I just want to shout everyone out for that. Yeah, the comments. Yeah, I'm here for that. Yeah, of course. So what I first did is there was someone with stinky food in the office. And so I asked her, oh, my God, do you smell that? And she said,

She responded with that she doesn't really have a sense of smell. Interesting turn. Or shared space. Right, of course. And it just kind of eliminates any of those pitches about anything smelly or outstinking. Yeah, sure does. Distinct.

um so then i try the texture true parmesan is more about the texture but i would also suffer because then it would also be like and i you know you ever heard of a war where one side said like there were no casualties yeah it's true not reality not reality but keep going beverly

you're always talking about war jake thank you yeah embarrassing embarrassing i tried the whole thing bully keep going beverly ignore them no it's okay i'm here for this uh i tried the thing where i was like hey i think i saw like something crawling around like i'm not really a critter person

But I got a little freaked and like, I know I'm having this conversation with her while her shoes are off, of course. But I was like, I know you like to take your shoes off and I just want to make sure that your toes were protected from like any sort of like spider or like whatever. And I had to review the podcast notes actually before I said

said that to her to see what Jake had said word for word because I'm so nervous about it. - By the way, first of all, thank you. Most people don't take any of our advice. You took notes. You get a 10 out of 10. - Second of all, thank you. You guys are my therapists. - Dangerous, dangerous, but keep going. - It's so dangerous. My next follow up will be how to find a new job because I will be getting tired. - Absolutely.

So to which she looks at me just like super straight face and says, oh, we have spiders here. This one. Okay. She's incredible. So we're not bothered by spiders. Or smell. We don't really have a sense of smell. So then I was like, I just need to get curious here. I need to ask a little bit more about the why behind the what, like get to the root of the issue. Also, do you ever want to co-host an episode with the way your brain works? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh my god. You got a real brain on you. Are you messing with me? Well, thank you. I'm messing with you. You're doing wonderful. A woman with a real brain? Oh my god. Um... And so...

I asked if she'd ever had any incidents with her shoes off. I have an ally in the office and he was helpful in this conversation of just trying to make it feel like more casual. And the ally and I found out that

Diamond, she essentially introduced the lifestyle of going barefoot to us. So by asking her these questions, she told us about how this is all a part of her life perspective of strengthening her feet and her legs.

No way. And so she goes on to explain, no, I don't need that energy. She goes on to explain, like, those shoes need to have no soles or no heels. I've heard about these people. They cut their soles out of their shoes, and then they keep their shoes on so they can go into stores.

Right. I know that's wrong, Gareth. And she picks up her shoe to show me about how the toe needs to be an extra wide toe. Again, she picks up the shoe because she's not wearing it. And she shows it to me and she tells me that she loves to wiggle her toes around. And I'm like,

Sadly diamond. I know that not because you told me but because I've seen you freaking do it like in our cubicle words, did you say that did you kind of go with like a real like were you kind I mean I'm not saying anything but according to my ally my face was saying everything so I Yeah, so

now I kind of realized that I'm not up against the strange habit, but I'm up against like a lifestyle, right? Like it's just, it just feels a little different. It's obviously still goofy, but it feels like a little bigger than that. And so I was like, I need, I need like a physical barrier for her feet. So like peanut butter and jelly, like a shoe, no peanut butter and jelly, the floor, because she's, she doesn't have another thing. Okay. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. I got some Arm & Hammer carpet deodorizer. Okay. And I get to work before Diamond does. Yeah, essentially a Parmesan, but my nose wouldn't be bothered by it. And I sprinkled it all over her side of the cubicle. Great. And it looks obnoxious. The floor is white.

So she now tracks it and wherever she goes, she tracks it with those little. Right. Right. And that day, like she doesn't say anything about the white floor, but she also doesn't take her shoes off. And it's fantastic. So it like solves the issue. The next day, um,

because we think it's so goofy that she hasn't said anything about the white floor. My ally asks her, "What's going on in here?" when I'm not in the office. And she responds with, "Well, Beverly is scared of the spiders, so she's put down some spider deterrent in the cubicle to keep the spiders away." Great.

Not like the not the reason why, but like still we got what we wanted. Right. And then yesterday, you guys, I do the same thing. And she comes in and she takes off her shoes. And I sent in a video. And that has what has spurred on this follow up because I just sent it in this morning because I was so bummed out. Can we see the video, Kev? Yep. One sec.

grab it i'm interested in seeing a video it's just really fast it's just her feet it's her feet walking back into the cubicle there's a big community for this what what's interesting sure is what's interesting is that it worked and she didn't even say anything to you she assumes you have a spider phobia

Oh, fuck me. What the fuck? And I just want to say, like, we have consecutively had, like, 10 days of heat advisories here in Arkansas. And, like, she's dedicated. She's dedicated to her lunchtime walk, to picking up trash, making the world a better place. And I love that. And I want to, like, cheer her on for that. Yes. But, like, this is... It's good. It's just the feet. It's the bare feet. You know what we got to do, Beverly?

I think you gotta go to one of the higher ups and ask for a new office and say, you love Diamond, she's great. Just say, it's grossing you out. And you don't want to make this a big HR thing. You don't want to get her in trouble. You already have laid the foundation with the fact that you saw spiders over there, so it's not going to look like you're directly saying because of what she does. No, also you can say like, I'm asking one-on-one to move. Yeah.

Yes. Yeah. I don't want this to be about her, but you tried to fight this war with a, we're here to help method. She's greater than our ability to stop. She, she, she, I can get like a doctor's note from my therapist. We can write a doctor's note because we're the therapist. We're doctors. Yeah. And we're not going to keep answering emails where people are saying we're not, we are doctors. But by,

the way we've been doing a podcast for almost a year you know what we could do we're doctors you know what we could do we could would you actually take this to your boss because we could write a thing i would 100 so why don't we write something from dr johnson and dr reynolds uh and nurse uh kevin and even good no say it gareth

We could talk about how Nurse Bartelt doesn't follow us on Instagram. But why don't we... And we could say that she needs her own space from this as her therapists. These feet are out of the back of her. And when you are moving, if you can...

We just, it's all about the spiders. You don't like spiders. You're a racophobia. It's all about the spiders. Like, I'm not a creator person. I'm not a creator person. We're going as therapists about the spiders? No, no, no. We're writing. We're going on the feet, but when she's telling Diamond... But that's not going to be the reason. When she tells Diamond, she will frame it as a spider issue. Yeah.

Yes, they're not gonna move you if that you're afraid of us. No, no, I'm not saying that I'm saying we're saying it's feet It's gross. We're grossed out, but we don't want diamond to know we're judging her So we're gonna say it's about spiders, which she already thinks we have a phobia over so just to clarify where we're at because I think Gareth and I are gonna sell something but I don't know if you want to buy it we're thinking of writing a letter to your boss and addressing the feet and

But what you say to her is it's about the spider. When you move, if it were. Are you comfortable with that? You guys are addressing the feet in the letter? Yeah, I'm right. You can't say to the boss, my client needs to move because there's a spider. You can fight her for being a maniac. We'll give you one of each. Can we do one of each? Is that okay? Or is that way extra? I don't know what you guys charge for that. No, it's another $50. But we'll do one of each. Perfect. Are you subscribed to the Patreon? Yeah, are you on Patreon? No.

Not yet. Well, that's... Well, for $5, you'll get 30 letters. We write notes for our Patreoners.

And also a magic cloth that you can hold up to the YouTube screen and touch us. Absolutely. But we'll write you one of each. We can do this. And then you pick, and why don't you hand that to one, you pick which one and you tell your boss and you say, look, this is just, I've been talking to my doctor about this and this is where we're at and we'll see what they say. But just to talk about the spiders one for a second. If we're saying our client needs to move because there's a spider,

The spider's not in one area in the office. That spider's everywhere. Right. But if we say our client is very arachnophobic and she saw two spiders in that area, she says she is comfortable just moving to another section of the office. Then her boss is gonna think she's a fucking nut. Imagine being the boss there, Gareth. Yeah, it's... Now, but imagine being the boss of this.

Our client is really uncomfortable because the woman next door has a lifestyle where she doesn't wear shoes in the Arkansas summer and it stinks. Like the boss, like she's literally wiggled her toes at this boss and he doesn't do anything.

what about just going straight up to the boss and saying hey i know it's wild what about going straight into the boss and just saying this hey we all love diamond i do too i'm not looking to raffle any feathers uh can you move me somewhere in the office so i'm away from those bare feet because it's gross to me i kind of think that's like an actual play it is talking about you're you're used to living yeah but you're used to living inside of the nuts

It's not crazy to be like, I don't want to be next to someone with bare feet. If a grown-up wore a diaper at work and dirtied it, you're allowed to say, I don't want to be around them because I smell dirty diaper. You don't have to say, I don't want to be around them because there's a scorpion in there. Not a bad pitch. Not a bad pitch. Have Bev wear a diaper?

Not a bad pitch. The woman has smelling issues. She'll just be sitting in her own filth. Tell you what, if I see someone sitting there in a tie-dye, I don't care what it smells like. I don't love it. I agree. Beverly, I just have to point out really quick. That's a quote, isn't it?

If you can wiggle your toes to your boss and not worry about being fired, you got a pretty good job set up. Yeah. Oh, I work at a university. It's very hard to get fired. That's what I've heard. Beverly, here's what I honestly think you need to do here. And this just takes courage. This takes courage. This takes guts. That's why I need to talk to you guys. And you can do this. You need to walk up to your boss alone and say, can we have a meeting one-on-one?

meeting meeting and they'll say sure is everything okay and you'll say everything's fine then you gotta call the feeding yeah i love working here i am not looking to lose my job i love all the people's personalities i'm very happy

I have an issue where sitting so close to Diamond because she is shoeless, but I do not want to offend her. And I do not want to make her feel bad because I value her as a person. Can we do something secretly between you and I where you move me to another part of the office?

So that she can continue her lifestyle and I can continue my lifestyle because she already thinks feet should be covered in public And she already thinks I'm afraid of spiders and I saw some over there So I'll easily be able to say it's just a spider. Let's just drop the weird spider thing. Nope We're sticking with spiders with a Jake Lexington feels like it confuses a very simple good cover But what about Beverly Beverly, I think he's right. I

Yeah, I just want to say with all of the episodes that I've listened to, this feels actually really helpful. You guys are really zoned in on what you do here. So out of 10, what would you rate us? Well, thank you for the pat on the back. But it was a weird compliment, Gareth, because she also said, of all the ones I've listened to, this one's the only one that's only kind of good. Jake, hit her with the rating question.

Out of 10, Beverly, zero means we've done a terrible job. Ten means we've totally solved your problem. What would you rate us? Because this is a positive, so it's for sure more than a seven, yeah? So what would you rate us? Yeah, for sure. I'm going like a 15. Oh my god! The scale didn't even go that high! The scale didn't even go that high! So, will you actually... I have another idea. I don't know where to get off the call here, but

What if you guys came out with merch that were like little sandals?

You're asking... Look, we love our 15, but we can't be just doing targeted merch in that way. But we love it. Hold on, Beverly. Yeah, but by the way, Beverly, let's get back to this. What are you actually going to do? What are you going to do? Yeah, I'm feeling like I would love a hard copy letter. That just feels like it would be so...

the oomph that I need, the courage that I need to go and talk to my boss about... This is goofy. You're going to hand the boss a letter as opposed to just having that very clear talk?

Don't you think like having something to like hold on to and hand it over? No, it's a paper trail. It's a paper trail. If you went to your therapist and the therapist said, my client's uncomfortable. Also, if I'm your boss, I'm going like, Beverly, this is Dumbo's feather. You don't need the letter.

You have it inside of you to go there and have this conversation. You don't want a paper trail. Because it's going to make you seem worse. I think you just say, it's going to hurt you. But take a deep breath and just go in there and say, look, I am not complaining. I love being here. This is not a squeaky wheel deal. But can you move me? I don't love her feet.

I have a thing about feet. You know what he's going to say? This is something you're doing after lunch. Oh my God. Right after you hang up from us, you are walking in. It's fresh in your head. This is the moment. Do not overthink it. Each day is going to get harder. Are you on a cell phone right now? Yeah. Start walking in. Oh my God, Jake. We're not going to matrix this. Start walking in.

Um, okay. You got this. Where's this going? We're going to go right to her door. She's going to knock on the door and then she's going to hang up. Oh my God. And no, you're going to keep it on speakerphone. Keep it on speakerphone. And hold your hand in your, so it just looks like it's off. Jake, you're going to freaking get me fired from my job. I know. Okay. Then I don't want to do that. I want to get you. Okay.

I'm getting myself fired. I don't want you fired. No, we got a 15. We have a 15. Beverly.

Maybe you guys can help me just find another job. No! What the fuck? No! Stop it. It's she's the weird one, not you. I'm leaving the party. I'm sorry. Okay. Wait, I'm the weird one? No, no, not you. Beverly, listen to me. Listen to me. Listen to me for a second. We started, we were about near a solution and we're starting to spiral. Do you think it's normal for a woman to walk around in Arkansas and then not wear shoes at work? Do you think that's normal behavior? Um...

No. Do you think what county you live in? What county? What county is it? Okay. No, I think a lot of them. Not at work. You're forgetting about Anderson V commercial building.

So here's our advice. Our advice is go into the boss, have the talk. If you're afraid it's going to make you lose your job, do not do it. And again, if the boss puts up, if your boss is like, what are you talking about? Be like, you know, I'm just saying it's cool. We'll figure it just. Yes. I don't think it's a crazy gripe. The boss will not say that. And if there's room to move you. They'll move you. Okay. Do you guys want to be on speakerphone for this? No. Yes. Whoa, Jesus Christ. I do.

You think your boss is going to see that you're on speakerphone? Yeah, we don't want to. If that's going to rock the boat, I don't want to do it. Because if she catches it, then I think she's going to be like, what are you doing? Ready to go. Ready to go.

I'm just kidding. You guys are not going to do that. I can't do that. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. Beverly, let us know how it goes if you're going to do it. I think you're a diamond, by the way. You have no shoes on. We just entered your world. It's Kaiser Toze. You sent a video of your own feet. Hey, thanks, pal. Bye-bye. All right. Let us know. Bye. Okay, bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash heretohelppod to see our entire catalog.

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing, mix, and master by Chris Fowler. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostyke. Animations by Andrew Strzelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand-up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com. Remember, all of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

All video episodes of Season 1 are available now on Patreon, and Season 2 video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com forward slash heretohelppod. Hey, I'm Wayne Brady. And I'm Jonathan Mangum. And we're two big improv nerds who get a chance to play and make stuff up on shows like Whose Line Is It Anyway or Let's Make a Deal.

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