164: A Wig on a Wig and Polite Alphas (with Eric Edelstein and Katie Nolan)
01:16:21 Share

This episode is brought to you by Mint Mobile. Do you say data or data? Well, at my house, we say data. And for the longest time, I thought paying a fortune on my monthly data plan was just normal. That was until I found out about Mint Mobile and their premium wireless plans that start at just 15 bucks a month. The reason I like Mint Mobile is because it's a cheaper way to talk endlessly with my dear Pam, a.k.a.

Gareth mommy, aka my mommy. Because we can talk all the time at a lower rate. All plans come with high-speed data or data. I can't even get involved in this argument anymore. And unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. Use your phone with any Mint Mobile plan and bring your phone number along.

No matter how you say it, don't overpay for it. Shop data plans at mintmobile.com slash here to help. That's mintmobile.com slash here to help. Upfront payments of $45 for three-month five-gigabyte plan requires equivalent to $15 a month. New customer offer for first three months only, then full price plan options available. Taxes and fees extra. See Mint Mobile for details.

Want to brush up on your interview skills?

Engage with our AI interview prep tool. Want some advice on negotiating your new salary? Visit our salary tools and extensive library of career advice articles and you'll have all the tips and tricks you'll need to succeed. Visit Monster.com today and take the first step towards your career. Monster.com. Find your right job fit.

And we are...

We just finished something with Katie Nolan. She came back for the PFF floor hockey guys. We end the episode with Jack and Alex. Sensational. Sensational. Let's not oversell it. Let's just say enjoy. And let's just say...

This is what the show is. The show, this is the show. I'll tell you what. The show is a wild ride. And I don't want callers to try to know. We don't want a bunch of

No, copycats. The beauty of this show is when they're original, but holy shit was that enjoyment. Enjoyable. It really did. It tickled the show and the sports part of us equally. And Katie, excellent. It was a goddamn pleasure. Katie's the best. Check out Casuals. And her podcast, Casuals. Yes, we're just going to say it's awesome. Katie's the best. The best.

The best. And it's just a goddamn pleasure. And then, so what we've got right now, we've got a little something special. Morgan and I were doing something on the Patreon, which I think we were not exactly. Well, I know what we were doing. Morgan came up with an idea to ask people on the Patreon to come up with ideas for what we could ask at the beginning of the show.

So where are you from in the people? And then we were, we were responding to it in real time. And I was texting with Eric during it. So I just sent him a zoom link and I said, King, why don't you get on? And it was right after we had done Jamila's podcast, wrong turns. Yes. And Eric was on fire. He's the best.

We were talking about it after, and I talked to him after a little. Eric is just the greatest. He's as funny as it gets? He's just the greatest, and he murders on that episode. He's as funny as it gets on Planet Earth. And when he gets cooking, just watch out. Well, it's the details that you... It's everything. Because, again, you know him better than me, so the details you unfurl...

They feel made up. And then he's like, brother, I was doing it because I'm like, I can't believe that was true. Endlessly funny. Endless. But so he came on and we were just doing the thing. But Eric started. I asked him to tell his colonoscopy story. And he does.

And it was so funny that we want to put it into this intro. So then Nat Attack said, it's too weird just on its own. So we are setting up that intro. Without even hearing it, Nat Attack is 100% right. I mean, if the intro to this show cannot just be Eric's colonoscopy story. Why not? It can't be. Why not? It's a free show. Totally.

Tethered to the format minorly is important, I believe. So we got a great show. We've had a really nice bump recently of new listeners, so welcome. So, you know, things are just going great in the we're here to help universe. But I would recommend listening to Eric's story because also in the middle of it, I'm just going to give a little teaser. It is similar to Steve Berg's Chicken.

Gareth, his chair breaks. And Gareth, he doesn't miss a fucking beat, this king. He just does not allow any air. He doesn't allow me to get in and comment. He just... So there I was on the table. Whoa! I'm on the table. And it is a work of horror. It is. After he was done, Morgan and I just... We gave him a standing ovation.

Oh, fuck. Well, I mean, what do you want? Honestly. So, so listen, thank you, everybody. Enjoy the show and enjoy the amuse-bouche of Eric Edelstein's colonoscopy story when his colon breaks a chair beneath him. So without further ado.

We are here with Morgan Nally. We are here with Eric Edelstein. And by the way, you say I say your last name incorrectly? You say it all. There's a debate on how it's supposed to be said. You say it both. And I've had people tell me I say it wrong for saying Edelstein. I'm like, it's my contrarian great-grandfather. I don't know. I got you. Okay. However you want to say it. So you have told me in the past a great story. When I got my colonoscopy, you said...

I got a story for you and you told it briefly.

Will you tell us and take your time the story of when you got your colonoscopy? For sure. And then do you want to hear a brief version of why I got the colonoscopy? Yes. The moment, because so I've been very lucky in my life where I've had some incredible friends that are great examples. You being in the top three, but also my Gonzaga friends were there. And this was the incident that led me to go there, where I went to a place in Spokane called Kay's All You Can Eat Teriyaki with Mike Nielsen.

And earlier we'd gone to the gym and sometimes it was rare before Gonzaga had a big Nike deal to get gear. But I walked out of that gym with a pair of pristine white Gonzaga game shorts. Then we went to Kay's Teriyaki. Then I got very excited. Then leaving Kay's Teriyaki, if you can imagine, my old house was next to a train stop.

So the train has stopped. There's probably, you know, holding a lighter. It's eight in the morning. I like light incense. Okay. Keep going. Oh yeah, for sure. And sage. Are you kidding? No, just to keep your bad energy clear. So Mike Nielsen and I go to Kay's teriyaki. We're coming back. And then all of a sudden I feel this feeling in my stomach.

Like there's a teriyaki juice. Yeah. A lot. And we did not get cheated at Kay's teriyaki in Spokane. Why? What does that mean? Cheated? How much do you just get fucked over? If I'm going to pay eight 99 for teriyaki, I'm going to eat. I'm basically sick. It's an all you can eat. And it's not around anymore. I think because college students abuse case teriyaki. You had so much. Yeah. Yeah.

It was a buffet and then they'd order stuff and they'd give kind of a look. And I'd go in there with these other giants because they played basketball. They were never thrilled to see us. And I wouldn't eat breakfast. I would go in there around one 30, just to beat the system, not get fucked over and eat as much teriyaki as I could. So I come back and there's a little bit of problem getting, dropping me off because of this train that stopped.

So I get about five steps out of the car and then I feel this lurch in my stomach, like there's an angry gnome about to fight his way out or her way out. God bless 2025. So I move about five more steps. - By the way, I don't think women, women aren't fighting for that. - All right, all right. Well, if they are, I'm trying to give it to them, Morgan.

I'm here. I'm inclusive. I want to be the gnome in Eric's stomach during his stories. I want to be the chicken teriyaki from some buffet. That's not the fight, Eric. Jake, representation matters, okay? I'm just going to get that to you. So I get maybe five feet out of the car, and I realize something horrible is about to happen.

And meanwhile, here's this giant guy running, holding up his white basketball game shorts. And every head is kind of looking at me because they're all just stopped and forced to watch. And this is pre cell phones. They're not on their phones, but there's a giant guy with a scared look on his face, holding up white basketball shorts. Sounds you're making as you're Mike. Mike. Okay, buddy. Yeah. Yeah.

And praying my friend will drive out quickly so he doesn't see what I can feel like is about to go down. So I'm running to the front door and then I realized it is not going to happen. I'm not going to make it inside. But I can't explain to you how bad I wanted these basketball shorts I was wearing. And I don't know what is going to come out of my body and if it could stain it.

So right as I get to the front door and one- - Hold on, Eric, you're adding so much insanity. - Well, it's important. - But why did, first of all, why did you care about the basketball shorts so bad? - Because I felt like I had not gotten as much gear as I should have gotten for hosting as many recruits as I should have gotten. And I really wanted these shorts.

And like, I did some for basketball camp and I got the shorts. So there's only like, you know, 12 a year of these shorts. I still have them. In fact, I gave you a pair of them. I remember. I hope you still have them because they're 1999 Gonzaga game shorts. And those ones did not get hit with what all

almost got hit with. I remember you gave them to me. They were massive and I loved them. They're, they're incredible. They're incredible. And I wanted to keep them pristine for this reason. They're sewn, they're stitched. They don't make them like that anymore. So as I get to the front door, I feel this thing about to propel itself out of my body.

So in one motion with all these cars going, I just whip these shorts down. Oh, Eric. I know, buddy. I know. And at this time, the story I was asking for, this is a college shit story. You can edit it all out, Fred. Truly. Sure. You can. Sure. You can.

So then I get there and I feel, and you know me, I'm not a bathroom humor guy. I'm not an explosive shit story. But this is also important to know how somebody as resistant as I am to the doctor ended up getting colonoscopy. I know why this is happening. Why? We just did Jamila's podcast together, didn't we? Yeah. There's a buzz about the work I did. Yeah. It hasn't been released yet.

It was called Wrong Turns. Sure. The premise was we all had to come up with a wrong turn story, right? I did have this story ready, yeah. At the last second, hold on, Eric. At the last second, they said, I know you and Gareth both pitched shit stories. Eric and Gareth both had shit stories. And they go, we're getting too many of them. So Eric, in the last second, pivoted. And boy, was it a good pivot.

There's a buzz on that. There's a real buzz on that. Everyone will hear it. It's great. It's great. So then today, the colonoscopy story takes place in 2024. And Eric goes, in order to hear that story, you need to hear a story from 1999 exclusively because there was a bull. No, no, no, no. The colonoscopy story takes place about.

six weeks later, I promise. Oh, really? This is what forced me to the colonoscopy. You can imagine. My bad, my bad, my bad. You can imagine 22-year-old me was not going to go to a colonoscopy. Oh, so the colonoscopy, have you gotten one recently? I've got one maybe five years ago. Okay, keep going. I'll get another one soon because what I got, I got to get them regularly. But this is what got me to get my first one. Okay. So I get to the front door. I yank the pants down.

And it seriously is like something from a movie. The propulsion from Kay's teriyaki. This defecation leaves my body and in a liquid form flies five to seven feet behind me and nails the garage across from the front door. Yeah, I've never seen anything like it. And neither had all the people stopped waiting for that train. Yeah.

Because I just, I feel all these eyes on me and I look and people are just aghast and horrified because this massive guy has just shot jet propulsion defecation out of his ass. And then I leave the shorts down, stagger inside, jump in the shower. And I looked and the shorts are pristine. So I have one. You shit all over a garage, Eric. I shit all over a garage, but I have one. Did you clean it?

Well, here's where we have a problem. So I take the shower, I get in, the shorts are on. Then I look out and it looks like a death scene. Like it's just horrible. And I'm like, I got to clean this quick. And what my roommates should have known is I didn't clean a goddamn thing at 1307 East Mission.

So then I was out there cleaning this. You didn't clean a thing when we all went to Landers and Brian Farrell made you pay extra. Not yet. I had to pay an extra for the damage deposit. For Steve Berg being in this murder cabin outside while Clay Allen was on his pillow top high thread car. I think I'll stay here, boys. So...

I go out there and I start cleaning and it's just horrific. There's like, it's just teriyaki and bad decisions. And the night before drinking, I'm sure. And then my roommate, Andy Hill gets home and he's the main reason I don't want to say I shit outside. Cause what the hell are you talking about? Big fella. Cause he was a basketball coach, still is a basketball coach. He's the head assistant university of Washington. And he didn't like some of my decision-making and sleeping. And so I'm like, I don't need to hear shit from Fredo.

about this shit thing. So I clean it up and he shows up and comes over and he's like, what the hell happened out here? Oh my gosh. So I'm like...

You can't fall backwards and not miss a beat. Can't I? No. Too much is happening, Eric. I'm golden, brother. No one knows. Keep going. This chair had been waiting to go down for a while, man. It just fucking happened. God damn it. So he comes up.

And he's like, what the hell happened out here, big fella? And I'm like, oh, buddy, I'm just thinking of a lie. I'm like, I think it was like a sick animal, like a coyote. Well, I mean, look at this. He starts looking and he gets real philosophical. I kid you not. And he goes, a coyote didn't do this. We did this.

The poor fuckers over there trying to be a coyote and people are feeding him Cheetos and beer and shit and rat poison. And now look, this is sad. And then he kind of takes a step, looks in, and then he walks in and had no clue that I was cleaning up my own shit, which he should have figured out. Like if a coyote really shit in front of the house, there's, I would not have been the one to clean it. There's five other roommates. There's a chore list. I would have happily not cleaned it.

But he never figured out until a few years ago that the giant shit pile was from me. And word got around pretty quickly. I did the best job cleaning I could, but I mean, it hit a door. But this is kind of those things when I explained it to Mike Nielsen, my good buddy that you know, he couldn't stop laughing. But he was just like, I think you probably need to get a colonoscopy. Just check it out. Just that this isn't normal behavior, even if you had a ton of teriyaki.

So I went to get my colonoscopy and what I did not tell them was I was, you know,

having stomach issues. So I was taking like pain medication, drinking. I should have told the anesthesiologist like, we're going to need more here, Fred. Yeah. Oh, in terms of the drugs. In terms of the drugs, because what ended up happening was I'm in the colonoscopy. I go under, you think you're just, when you open your eyes, you're going to be done. And that nice, amazing, surreal feeling. Yeah. Well, instead I wake up, there's four people around me.

And I'm in the middle of the colonoscopy and I woke up. I just lean forward and they all look at me like I've seen a ghost. I look at the video screen and go, Hey, there's my ass. And then I went back to sleep and that was truly, truly happened.

And they kind of afterward, like, do you remember waking up? Like, yeah, I remember waking up and saying, yeah, there's my ass. And they're like, that was our greatest moment in any colonoscopy. But we also gave our anesthesiologist shit because he should have given you more. That shouldn't have happened. I know. Everybody, enjoy the show.

WWF or World Wildlife Fund is now part of the show. Nature needs us now more than ever. Our forests, oceans, freshwater systems, and grasslands are crucial for wildlife and for us. This is an ad that my wife is going to love me more for partnering with. And I like that because I like the wildlife, I like the earth, and I like my wildlife.

WWF is calling on as many people as possible to take time to give an hour for Earth. All you have to do to participate is pledge to spend an hour doing one of a variety of actions and activities with a positive environmental impact. You can commit to an hour or more enjoying a book outside, visiting an exhibit or museum focused on the environment, or even watching one of the free films from the D.C.

environmental film festival. There are activities for whatever interest you like the most. Go to worldwildlife.org/earthhour. That's worldwildlife.org/earthhour to browse a list of activities, choose your action, and spend an hour giving back to nature.

This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Spot and Tango. I got two dogs. One of them, a black lab, retired guide dog, star of my movie Ride the Eagle, or My Other Dog, was used as a backyard breeder for years, was found on the streets. She's a miniature Aussie. She's the star of the family. Her name is...

Most kibble is packed with fillers and mystery ingredients.

Who knows what's really in it? I don't know what's in it. I'm just a guy. But Spot and Tango does things differently. Their unkibble meals are made with human-grade ingredients, including USDA, fruits, vegetables, all that. They use their fresh, dry process. And you get to come up with a custom plan based on your dog's age, breed, weight, activity level, so you know you're getting exactly what you need.

We got Spot and Tango for my girlfriend's dog, and I thought we had a good food for the dogs. Well, we put Spot and Tango in there, and they are eating the Spot and Tango as we sort of mix the foods. They're eating the Spot and Tango first because that's the one they enjoyed. They were like, yeah, this old food, we're not doing it. They were eating it.

The way we eat marshmallows out of Lucky Charm. They just ate it all first. They're like, Spot and Tango's good. Spot and Tango is offering an exclusive deal for all our listeners. For a limited time, go to spotandtango.com slash heretohelp and use code heretohelp to get 50% off your first order. That's spotandtango.com slash heretohelp. Code heretohelp to get 50% off your first order. Spotandtango.com slash heretohelp. Code heretohelp.

Here to help. Moms deserve the absolute best, especially on Mother's Day. And when it comes to flowers, there's only one place I trust to get it right every time. 1-800-Flowers.com. Every year, I order from 1-800-Flowers.com, and my mother is always blown away. Rose is stunning. The service on point. Here is the truth.

I do send Eve flowers from 1-800-Flowers.com and I'll tell you why. Because it's easy and it works and I'm going to also tell you why. I use our promo code here to help. That's a reality. I'm going to tell you something that's not true, but I wish it was true. I send my other mommy, Pam, Gareth's mommy, roses from We're Here to Help. Because if you're going to give Pam one dozen roses,

Then double it for Pam for free. Twice the beauty, twice the love, all at no extra cost when you use our promo code. Why give the beautiful Pam one rose when you can cover her beautiful body in a thousand? To claim your Double Your Roses offer, go to 1-800-Flowers.com slash here to help. That's 1-800-Flowers.com slash here to help. Hi, can we get your name, please?

Yeah, let's go with Gemma. Gemma? And where are you calling from, Gemma? Gemma. Gemma. Virginia. Virginia. And how old are you, Gemma? 32. 32. And what do you like to do? What's a fun Friday night, Gemma?

I'm not very cool. So a fun Friday night is probably just like reading a book on the couch with my dogs. That sounds nice. What kind of dog? I have four. I have two poodles and then two small toy breeds. Cool. And what are their names? Oh, Reese, Tilly, and...

Tux and Jack. Holy shit. Great. So then Gemma, mother of four, Reese, Tilly, Tux, Jack, what can we do for you today?

Yeah, so I am a full-time remote employee. I work for a tech company and I work from home. Every few months or so, I fly into my office's physical location. And so I have a trip coming up soon. And so my problem is a few months ago, I started wearing wigs.

Because I have natural, curly, wild hair and it was hard to maintain and I just didn't want to do it anymore. So I threw on a wig. When my coworkers saw it on our Zooms and Teams meetings, they were like, oh my gosh, what did you do? And I...

And I was like, oh, I just straightened my hair. And so my problem is I am flying out in a few weeks and I'm definitely wearing a wig. Okay. And I don't know what to say when they ask me in person. Yeah.

Yeah, I get it. So the curling cream, the process to avoid a perm became too much work. And what's the website where you're getting these wigs? Do you have the URL? Hold on, Jake. Go ahead, Gemma. What is it? I'm looking at a few options here. There seems like some good stuff. I just want to get to know. They're so expensive. They're really expensive. Is there a cheaper one? Do they do shorter ones like Newscast right here? Um...

Okay. So what, are you wearing the same style wig you're doing? This is wild, Gemma. It's wild. You've really painted yourself into quite a strange little wig corner. Yeah. We have a picture of the wig as well. Oh, great. So hold on. We'll take a look here, Gemma, real quick. So obviously this will all go on our website. We can blur the face. And then what's the name of the website again, sir? I'm dyslexic as hell. I always forget names.

This will be heretohelppod.com. Perfect. And it's also on our Instagram. Let's see the photos. So that's your real hair. You look like Gareth. Very beautiful curly. By the way, cut the sides. This is not a joke. Cut the sides. That's Gareth's new podcast hair. I don't hate it. Oh, my God. Gemma. Gemma, you're a crazy person. You look like an American doll with that wig.

You look like an American girl now. Go back to early. No, I've got a pitch. This is insane. This call is not about what we said. No, wait, hold on. Jake. Hold on.

Jake. - Gemma! - Jake! So Gemma, the reason why you're, Jesse, please stop going back and forth between the goddamn pictures. It's like I'm doing camera one, camera two. I'm getting seasick. So Gemma, you don't, the reason why you wore the wig is because the hair that you had was too much work. That's pretty much why, right?

Yeah, I'm 32. I've had that hair my whole life. I've had that hair for about six months. He's 45. Under 30. Keep going, Gemma. Sorry, Jake's drunk. Go ahead. He's drunk with power. We just made clown porn on the other call. Go ahead. Honest to God, we did. After

After 32 years, it's just I wanted a change, but I didn't want to like actually damage the hair. Although my natural hair probably looks damaged. Gemma, Gemma, Gemma, hold on, hold on. I have to say this. Okay. Your real hair is very cute, very curly, very, it's big. It's not crazy. It's just you have curly hair.

Your wig picture that you sent in looks very unrealistic. The wig, sure. Do we want to just look at it one more time, Jesse? I know I said take it off. So the wig looks like, honest to God, for anybody who doesn't like to see the images, it looks like an American Girl doll. So if anybody's ever seen... Oh, no. Yeah, it's the perfect fake hair. But your real hair, Gemma, is perfect.

So if, yes, great. And guess what? You know, you could also do with hair like that. Host a podcast. Gemma, he's some, listen, sometimes it feels like he's going somewhere and he's Gemma, Gemma, Gemma, Gemma, Gemma, when you started this call, he started mine shooting arrows right away as in get ready, take cover. Um,

Have you seen, really quick, Gemma, have you seen the podcast where there's like four little boys talking about different foods they eat? Gemma, I'm going to actually focus on you again. One of them has the same perm as Gareth. Two of them do. Gemma, so...

Let me, to Jake's point a little bit, it's like whatever makes you comfortable, obviously, but why not just let your hair without doing all that stuff? What happens when you just kind of let your natural hair go? Yes. You don't like the look of it.

Well, no, no, I like the look of it, but the location I'm flying out to is super dry. And so I'm currently in a very- Humid area. I guess, yeah, humid area. You got the frizz, baby. You got the frizz. It goes so much bigger. What do you think about a bunny tip? What do you think about a bun?

I'm telling you the wig is crazy. I'm telling you the wig is crazy. And I'm saying that as a friend. Oh, no. The wig is crazy. Jake. Why don't you just throw a wig on and an eye patch? And so he goes, well, the sun gets in my eyes. Can you pitch me why I can tell people I have an eye patch on? Yeah, here's my pitch. Take the eye patch off unless you are missing an eyeball.

Now, if this was I don't have any hair. Jake, let's solve her problem. I'm trying to. Her problem. Is the wig. Is that she has lied about it being a wig. Yes, so you just show up with curly hair and they say, what's going on? You say, the dryness wig. It's a wig.

Oh, you never bring up the wig. You die with the wig lie. They go like this. Your hair looks different. And you go, I know at this temperature does crazy stuff to my hair. I try to straighten it, but that's so bad for my hair. And they go, it used to be straightened. This is the real her moving on. You know, it's worse. You jump in a goddamn pool at a work trip and your hair comes off, but you also have other hair.

Why are you wearing a wig to cover my hair? What's wrong with your hair? Nothing. Gemma, look. You got a wig on a wig. This is madness. Why would you wear five wigs? Gemma. If someone calls in and says I wear 10 wigs, why should I tell them I wear 10? I'm not pitching on that. Take the 10 wigs off. You know I'm right, Gareth. Gemma, Jake, sit on some ice for a minute, okay? Deal. Ice yourself for a minute. Let me talk to Gemma here.

Gemma, now Jake muted himself. Jake could not be controlled to the point where he's self-muted, which it's a first. Take the wig off! He unmuted. He remuted. But I guess there's no point to him self-muting. So, Gemma, Jake's question...

is why not just on the next trip, since you've already done the wig lie, show up with your regular hair and some doesn't even need to be super done up. But then you say, oh, yeah, I changed my hairstyle. It just the temperature, all that. I just kind of changed it up. Do you feel like you could do that? Because otherwise, I think the fear on behalf of the show is.

is you're just going to start doubling down on wig fibs and the web is only going to get a little worse for you. He's back to muted. The web's only going to get a little bit worse.

It's gonna start to probably compound and stress you out and not probably and they're probably I mean I don't know why he's muting if he keeps unmuting to jump in the problem is people are probably going to start to go like oh she's weird it's Every time he talks he unmutes and remutes just so you know did you do you understand the point a little bit like does your worry is also our worry and

is that you're going to have to kind of keep digging deeper down. Yeah, that's true. No, I can definitely kind of do my hair, not done up, but just put a little bit more effort into it when I fly out. I would just say do that, and maybe you don't even need to go full your actual hairstyle. You don't need to go the full Gemma hairstyle.

but you could just do a version that's kind of in the middle, and I'll bet you people will be like, oh, gosh, and just go, yeah, I just decided to just kind of change up my look a little bit. Because I do think the next time you go there, people might, I mean, people are going to start wondering what the fuck is going on in a way where the answer is that you just got sick of doing your hair. I think Jake's point is, yeah, it's probably just going to get a little fucking hairy. Hey, Gemma. Hey, Gemma.

You can't ever wear that wig again in your life. I want you to throw that in the garbage can. Gemma? Gemma, you can wear it again. That's Jake. Have you ever... Hey, Jesse, could you Google American Girl doll? There's a doll I got for my daughters. I swear to God, it's the same exact hair. Gemma, here's my pitch to you. You're a beautiful lady. You got beautiful hair. Naturally curly.

A lot of guys who are 45 years old who are on YouTube podcasts would die for that hair. LAUGHTER

First of all, the age is off. Go ahead though, Jake. Keep going. No, no, go ahead. Not only die for that hair, they would wake up early to do a Zoom podcast with a 20-year-old friend and curl their hair for that. And then be surprised when that other friend goes, did you start doing curling creams? It's cream. I'm trying to, I am trying to mute you and I fucking can't. It's a real shame.

That would have been a perfect time to be me. I'm trying. Gemma, here's where I'm at. And I'm sorry that we can take a moment and Gareth can pitch solutions because I'm sure you got some good pitch. Yes, this is Gareth. Do you see the American Girl doll photo? Yes. Okay, so we'll post that too. Gemma, we're going to send you this image too.

there's a result but it's fine it's fine the main issue is that you're going to have to keep lying and it's going to get harder for you to undo the lie this lie is yeah so really quick can you pitch really fast of things she could say what was your original question jimma

What do I say to people when they ask about why I look like an American girl now and why I have a wig on over my natural hair? What do I say if they ask about it? I technically didn't want to like talk to them about it because I didn't want them to ask questions about it. And so I guess I was kind of just wanting to be a bit delusional. But if they say to you, hey, your hair used to be curly. Now it's really straight. You're looking for what do you say in that situation?

Yeah. You just say, I straightened it. No, you know what I think you really say, Gemma? I'm wearing a wig. And the reason I'm wearing a wig is because my hair is too curly and I don't want to deal with it. Honestly, that's also not a bad approach. I'm wearing a wig. Honestly, if you want to do that, that's not a bad way. Just say, my hair gets so frizzy. I just wear a wig. My hair is just a pain in the ass, so I just throw a wig on every now and then. But the problem is, here's the problem, Gemma.

The first round of this, you lied. By the way, here's the second thing I would say, no. I would say lie on a lie equals the truth. What's going on with your hair? What do you mean? It used to be curly. I've never had curly hair. No, straight, you mean. So it went straight to straight? No, she... No, wait, did they ever see you with curly hair? They did. Oh, yeah. Oh, okay, so then... So it went from curly to straight. Honestly, Gemma, you...

Throw it in a garbage disposal. Just go burn the wig. It'll clog it. I know you're being hyperbolic, but do not throw a wig in the garbage disposal. I agree. It's not what it's for. Here's what I want you to do. The hair will string it up. Here's what I want you to do. Trap will get clogged. How much did you spend for that wig? And I want the truth. I want the truth. You can't handle the truth. I want the truth. You can't handle it. It was about $300,000.

Gemma, Gemma, Gemma. I've never felt more like a dad in my life. I'm going to come to Virginia and we're going to have a talk in two about finances and life decisions. $300 to look like an American girl, though, when you've got beautiful curls? Jake, Gemma, the move is, in our opinion... Get your head out of your ass! Jake, the move is...

Show up with your natural hair next time. And if anyone asks any questions, you either say, it was something I tried. I didn't really like it. That's a diplomatic way to do it. How many wigs you got, Gemma? I'd rather not say. Gemma? Oh, Jesus. How many wigs you got? Gemma, this is the snake wrapping around your neck. I would just answer. I have four. Four fucking wigs that pop out of her butt.

Can we just take a minute to congratulate Jake on his math? You spent over a grand on wigs and you got a full head of hair. You're cut off from spending. You're not her dad. You're cut off. Jake. You're cut off. Gemma, you have the freedom to wear the wigs whenever you want. No, she doesn't, honey. Yes, she does. No, she doesn't. Honey? You're my wife. When I'm not...

I have life energy. You and my daughter have the same hair when you curl yours. It's curling cream. Genetically, she got your hair when you faked it on a podcast at 46. Jake, why am I getting older? Life happens, baby. We all get older. We're gorgeous as we age. Jesus, the worst thing that happened on this show is when you unmuted for the second half. I'm muting. No, don't even bother.

I think wear the wigs, whatever you want. But the problem is if you lie about wearing it, you know, it's creating a fucking problem for yourself. I would just show up next time, natural hair. And if anyone asks about your hair the last time you just say it was just something I was trying out. That's the truth. It's also not a lie.

I think that, like we said, the problem is you're just going to dig yourself further into the wig hole. So how do you feel about that pitch and with the total freedom to do whatever you want outside of it? To us, that probably seems like the safest long-term play, especially at work.

The last thing you want at work is for people to be like, we're working with a liar. And a maniac. Yeah, who knows what's going on? She might be hiding from someone. This woman spent $10,000 on wigs by 2030. You are exaggerating, and they don't know her wig budget. Gemma, go ahead. The floor is yours. Yeah, I think that's really good advice is to just wear my natural hair when I fly out in a few weeks. But question, when I come back to my home...

Am I allowed to wear the wig? Yes. But hold on, Gemma, for what? Where? For fun! But is it, do you just wear the wig like when you go to get coffee? When do you wear the wig, Gems? All the time. Like I wake up, I'll work out, I'll shower, and then I'll put the wig on. Yes. And then hop on Zoom meetings. And then I'll probably be on Zoom meetings most of the day and the wig is still there. Oh, I get it. So you just use it the way I use a hat.

Cause you work for both. Now, do you wear the, do you wear the wig after, like if you're going out for drinks with friends, do you keep the wig on or is it just cause you don't want to deal with your hair? Cause the only reason I wear a hat, I have a hat right next to my computer for these zooms. I just don't want to think about hair. So is it really just, I throw that on for this. Now, does that wig go into your life at all? Do you, if you're going out to dinner with a friend, do you wear the wig to dinner or is that crazy? No, I wear it to dinner.

I think that's, I look scared again. Don't be scared. The only thing that's problematic is when you said it wasn't a wig, you can do like whatever, who gives a fuck? If you're the truth is beautiful hair. If this is wearing a wig with that energy, if you're wearing the wig for work, zooms,

as long as you're not lying about it, you're fine. What I wouldn't do, and this is just because you previously lied about it on the work trip, is I just wouldn't wear it again, just so everyone knows that's your natural hair. Then, if you want to wear it again, you can wear it again. I guess her hair is straightened at home. Yeah, or whatever, you're wearing a wig. I mean, I just think the thing... You mention that so casually, Gareth. It's so wild if someone's just wearing a wig. Well, it's just the lie is the issue.

Be like a hat. Like you said, it's a fucking hat. It would be like me seeing you out and saying, Hey, where'd you get that hat? And you go, it's not a hat. You're totally right. You're right. Definitely a hat. Yeah. That's where it gets fucking weird. I actually agree. So, so you're just a lady who likes wigs. Yeah. Who gives a shit? You're right. So you can wear them whenever you want.

But I think for the next work trip, I think for the next- Or go with it, or wear it there. But then you've got to say it's a wig. Yeah, you've got to say it's a wig. If you're a wig lady, Gemma, be a wig lady. But I would say the issue is lying about it. Who gives a fuck? If you wear it, again, the hat comp is perfect. Look, I've been hot on this call, but I'm going to go a 180 and fully agree with Gareth. I would say get rid of the wig, use your natural hair. But if you're a wig lady, then be a wig lady. You can't be a wig lady and lie about being a wig lady.

And who gives a shit? I really don't think anyone's going to give enough of a shit. Some people will.

Yeah, they're on this call. But I really don't think, I really, I think whatever, you know, it's like, it's an aesthetic and whatever. So you could do it, just, you can't lie about it. I think that is dead. Because people are going to know. That it's a wig, 100%. Especially if you have four of them. Also, Gemma, by the way, everybody already knows. You ever see like an older lady in Florida who's got like bright orange hair? Yes. And acts like it's natural and you have to go like, what? That's not your natural color?

Yes. Cheetos orange? Or an old guy with a jet black beard where he's like, how you doing? I'm 84. I'm Al Pacino. And you have to go like this. Jesus, Al, you look fantastic. You've got tuxedo black hair. Taking a lot of shrapnel on the show lately. He's not listening. He has no idea what a podcast is. He might. We don't know. This whole show is out of order. Gemma, what are you feeling? How do you feel about that general take on this?

I like it. I definitely like the idea of wearing the wig on my work trip and then just kind of being honest that like, no, no, no, this is a wig. This is definitely a wig. There you go. Love that. Yeah. Yeah. I feel good about that.

So there you go. That's the look. Nobody's. I think the thing is that you probably think people are going to give more of a shit about this than they will. And I also think don't jump in the pool. The deadliest move right now. If a dead animal falls off your head in a pool, people are going to give a shit. Kids are going to scream. I think I would. It would be an honor if I was at a pool and someone said, sir, because you're a stand up comedian. I.

I would do it with all sincerity and sensitivity. Maybe it comes up. Maybe. That night you go, I just got 12 minutes. Probably comes up. While you're on tour on the east side, garethreynolds.com. It'll be the title of the special, but I will hold it with dignity and with respect. And Gemma, that's the only thing. Just tell the people the truth. I agree with this. It'll feel way better. So Gemma, what are you going to do?

I'm going to wear the wig. Great. I will tell people the truth. Okay. Keep going. Steamroll past me. Yeah. Great. There you go. Well, this is what I think you need to do. Do it and then follow up with us and let us know how it goes. I'm guessing it's going to be a much less stressful experience than the first run.

I hope so. Yeah. Okay. All right. Thank you for the call, Gemma. Please follow up and let us know. Will do. Thanks, guys. Bye. Thanks. Bye. Bye. This episode is brought to you by Quince. Vacation season is nearly upon us. This year, I'm treating myself to the luxe upgrades I deserve with Quince's high-quality travel essentials at fair prices.

I'm going to be honest. I just took a vacation to Mexico with my family and I decided I was going to finally wear some resort wear. And I got on Amazon and I bought the cheap stuff. I should have gone to Quinn's. And I ended up dressing exactly like the staff. And it was a mistake. I looked like a waiter. Everywhere I was going, people was asking me for

directions and help in broken Spanish, and it was a disaster. When I'm out on the road doing shows, I always am bringing quints with me. I have the duffel bag myself. The duffel bag is full of quints. It's all quints. People see me and they go, is your name quints? And I go, hey.

I'm trying to make that happen. For your next trip, treat yourself to the luxe upgrades you deserve from Quince. Go to quince.com slash here to help for 365 day returns plus free shipping on your order. That's quince, Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash here to help to get free shipping and 365 day returns. quince.com slash here to help.

This episode is brought to you by Booking.com. Booking.com. Yeah, every time I use Booking.com to find a place to stay in the U.S., I know they'll have exactly what I'm looking for. I've mentioned this before, but Booking.com is something that I use. It makes it very easy. I have got the app downloaded on my phone, so when I book travel, I just go to the Booking.com app and I book my trips.

I use Booking.com all the time to find places to stay in the US because I know they are going to have exactly what I'm after. What do you want, a hotel? They got that. You want a vacation rental? They got that. Booking.com and the Booking.com app has something for everyone. I previously mentioned how I've been looking for a place with a friend of show.

And we are trying to find somewhere in between our residences where we can meet, just, you know, have a pool, some beers, that sort of thing. And Booking.com could not make it easier. You have an abundance of options. Whenever I've used Booking.com or the Booking.com app, I always find the thing that's perfect for my specifications.

It just has it all. So no matter who you are, Booking.com helps you find the stay that's ridiculously right for you. Find exactly what you're booking for on Booking.com. Booking. Yeah.

Do you say data or data? Well, at my house, we say data because I'm from Chicago. And for the longest time, I thought paying a fortune on my monthly data plan was just normal. That was until I found out about Mint Mobile and their premium wireless plans that start at just $15 a month.

Say bye-bye to your overpriced wireless plans, jaw-dropping monthly bills, and unexpected overages. I hate me some unexpected overages. And they not only happen with phone plans, they're happening with everything these days, aren't they? Mint Mobile is here to rescue you. Well, thank you, Mint Mobile. I appreciate you. I am saving money by using Mint Mobile compared to the big wireless carriers. No matter how you say it, don't overpay for it.

Shop data plans at mintmobile.com slash here to help. That's mintmobile.com slash here to help. Upfront payment of $45 for three month, five gigabyte plan required equivalent of $15 a month. New customer offer for first three months only, then full price plan options available, taxes and fees extra. See Mint Mobile for details.

Hi, everybody. This is Sherlock. This next call is a follow-up to episode 153, PFF with Katie Nolan. If you haven't listened to that episode, you're definitely going to want to listen to it before this follow-up. All right. Hello.

- Hey. - Hello. - Fellas, welcome back. Listen, we've been anxiously awaiting the update on this one. So we're gonna ask you to sort of set up again what the call was. But before we tell you that, we were so excited that we invited back the guest helper from the first round, the great Katie Nolan, is back on the show for the update. So you've got Jake, you've got Katie, you've got me.

uh remind us of your names very quickly and then we'll get into it i'm howard yeah two alpha dogs competing it feels like two betas not wanting to walk through a door it's two alphas being polite going like this you go ahead because i'll go second polite alphas yeah uh i'm jack i'm jack it's gonna talk to you guys again what's up jack and then who else we got

I'm Alex. Yeah. And so just to recap, so we're all on the same page. Alex called in first and Alex was saying that Jack thinks that he is better at floor hockey.

And that all Alex was looking for was that the rankings out of a PFF of 15 was that Jack and Alex were basically like seven and eight. That would have made Alex happy. Jack believes he's two or three and Alex is a nine or a 10, but Alex with some lessons from Jack could get up to about five or a six.

So easily. That's nice of you to say, Jack. Kind of. So then we decided the best way to go about this. And the reason I'm taking over right now is we got two polite alphas. So I'm going to be the impolite alpha because I'm dying for this info, but I want it to be clean.

Then we decided to go to the group and send an email to everybody that they needed to do a PFF ranking out of 15 members or was it 12 members? Does anyone remember? 15. I thought it was 15. 15. Of everybody right where Jack is and where Alex is. Katie, have I missed anything? I think that's all.

All of it. I really, I'm so excited. I just want you to read the numbers to me. No, I know, but I'm a slow burn guy. Have I missed anything? Jake edges. Yeah. I want to make sure that it was survivor style, right? It was anonymous replies. Kind of, but it's emails.

Right, but it was other people in the office didn't know who wrote what. We don't tell Jack and Alex who's who. Nat Attack, is there anything else you feel we should include before we start getting into the numbers, which we are going to do one by one?

Yeah, so I've made a presentation. You made a presentation? This is exciting. I mean, Nat, you're a tap in the day. I don't want to make it more than it is. It's a very simple thing. Rob helped me brand it and design it. And so, but before we do this,

He just texted me that he made the presentation. Fair enough, Rob. Sounds like Rob. Not to get braggy, Rob. Rob attack. So is the presentation just so I know because I'm a hedger? Is it just one image that gives us all the numbers? No, I'm going to walk you through it just like you like, Jake. Okay, thank you so much. I appreciate you. We've gotten to know each other. Jack and Alex, let's start with you, Jack. Where are you at? What are you feeling?

I woke up today and I was like, God, I hope I don't embarrass myself here. Polite alpha. Yeah, true, honestly. No, it isn't, KD. No, it isn't. But we've played some good floor hockey since our call. Had a good game a couple weeks ago. Had some solid games in between. Just happy to be here. Jack, thank you for being here. Happy to be here. How did Alex play? Be honest.

Alex played solid as always. He's a good player. He had one game where he was doing... Oh, there was one day where Alex put me down nice one day. He had one really good game. I sucked that day. And Alex was the opposite. Can I ask one question? Please, Gareth. Quickly. Do you feel like the call has affected your play since and...

Have you noticed any vibe shifts with the guys you play with since the email got sent? Good questions. I mean, we get a lot of jokes like, oh, you scored that one for the podcast or something like that. Of course. But I would say the day, I think it was like the first day after

The first floor hockey day after the podcast came out, I definitely, I had my worst game in a long time. And I was like, I definitely got in my head. Oh yeah. I got way into my head. I was like, I was like, man, I told these people I was, I told all, I told all these people I was like the second best player. And like, I better deliver on that. And I did not.

tightened up damn yeah yeah but we were covered every great athlete okay yeah what would you know about that jake just out of curiosity what are you talking about a lot a lot this isn't about us yeah but you just made it about us because you brought it up keep going i don't want to attack delete all this do not make it between baby and i what are you talking about you can't delete all this alex how are you feeling about everything big dog polite alpha you know you know

I'll be honest. I'm feeling, I'm feeling pretty good. Uh, you know, I think I do too. I think from the, uh, from the podcast, honestly, I think the podcast gave me a lot of confidence. Um, like, like I've come in and I, like, I, I don't know if I really defined that I was a glue guy before the podcast and that glue guy does.

helped me find my role a little bit. And like, I've really, I've, I've settled into the wing position a little bit. Um, natural spot for you for sure. And so I, I think he agrees. Katie and I said at the same time, Jake, I've,

I've played a little bit more aggressively, I'd say. I think Jack would agree with that. Jack, would you? Jack, would you? Yeah, sure. Sure, sure. Yeah, sure. Don't say sure. Wait, the comma's sure, Jack. Polite alpha. Yeah, sure. Really, what I figured out is that I don't know if, like, one-on-one I'm a better player, but I do think that if I had a team of four Alexes and they had to play four Jacks, I think four Alexes, like the cohesion and the ball movement

it's just, it's pretty phenomenal right now. Okay. And do you think four Alex's would beat four Jack's? No chance. Okay. Okay. So let's not get into this. Yeah. Guys, we have an answer today. We have an answer. Now, Alex, I just have to say to you, you know, Katie's a big fan. Gareth is a big fan. I'm a fan of both.

I think that's a bit hesitant. No, Alex, I'm a fan, but I love that you're a glue guy, but I don't mind Jack either. I mean, with the embarrassing myself that Jack, that's not the way I see it. Let's not, why are we doing this? Let's not make, let's just get some answers. Jake said, I agree to the thing he was doing that we were flagging. Right. Fair. Okay. But here's what I got to say. Here's what I got to say. Fair. Yeah, sure. Yeah.

Yes, sir. Do you speak English? Yeah, sure. Okay, all right. So, Alex, whatever the results are, I'm asking you, my glue guy, don't let the confidence come down. You're on an ice cream. And I'm saying this, I don't know the results. Yes, I think we should say... It would be a real sour note if this brought you down a notch. Why don't we say this, Jake and Katie, back me up if you agree here. No matter what the results, let's accept them

And let's not let them affect the overall vibe. Tonight's game. Yes, tonight we still got a game. Because keep in mind something, Jack and Alex, we're the media. We're sports writers. So what we're saying about you does not define your game. Remember when everyone said Peyton Manning couldn't win the big one? Remember when they said Aaron Rodgers is weird?

No, Jake, you are trying to weaponize it. Remember when they said Jordan Love is overrated? Remember when they said the Bears haven't won a Super Bowl in most people's lifetimes? Let's not make this about us, Gareth. You always want to go on the attack. Jake? He's the Stephen A. Smith of this podcast. Yeah, he really is. He really is. We're reporters. I'm Stephen A. Who are you here, Katie? And who's Gareth? I feel like I'd be Mina Kimes.

And Gareth is like a... He's the guy from Part of the Interruption, the hot guy with the hair. Tony Reale. Tony Reale. I'll tell you, I honestly was worried Skip Bayless was going to be said, so I'm just happy. No, too much love for you. My dream would be I'm Shannon Sharp.

Yeah. But unfortunately, I'm Stephen. That's coming across. Yeah, we do get that. My dream is. And I wish there was video of me with a woman that got released and the sounds she was making. And you sounded like a warthog looking for truffles. Oh, what a dream that would be. But it's not that, unfortunately. So. God damn. Jack and Alex, before we get to the numbers, Jack, what's your final prediction? Where are we at out of 15? What are you going to be rated?

So I was thinking about this, like mathematically, if I think I'm two, everyone agrees with Vic at one. If I think I'm two and anyone else thinks that they're also two, then like there's no chance that the final number will be two. So I'm hoping for top five, I'll say five. Okay, top five. Okay, Alex?

Where are you at, big dog? What's your final PFF score, and where do you think you're going to be? You know, I'm right down the middle. I'd say, like, slightly above average, like six or six. I'd say six. Okay, we'll give you a six point. And where, Jack, what's your final call of where's Alex? I hope he's six. I hope he's six. Stop saying that. Don't do that. Don't do that. I like it. I'll throw him to eight. Okay. Alex, where's Jack?

Uh, yeah, I think he's right on. Like that was a very humble approach by Jack that I haven't seen from him before. Um, I'd say five. He went through some media, he went through media training after this one dropped. Yeah. He's honestly, he's thinking about the endorsements after the show to be quite honest. Everybody changes after their rookie year. Yeah. I've never heard Alex say that I was top five before. So that's very nice.

Yeah, I know you guys are playing media right now. This could be a 30 for 30 eventually. We don't know. 30 for 30 would be sweet on this. It'd be like a 4 for 4 to be honest. This is just a floor hockey rivalry. We're actually pickleball partners. So like we're

We've made up another athlete. Multi-sport athletes. I didn't know. We did play a varsity sport back in the day together. You guys have known each other forever. This is a lot coming out. This is a 30 for 30. So Jack, let's be honest. You don't view yourself as top five. You're being humble. You view yourself as two, but you think everybody else does. So you think you're three. Cut the bullshit. We ain't doing media training. This ain't ESPN. Jack, what's your real number here, King?

It's just bullshit. I'm not going to play the bullshit. There you go, Steve. Real number, I do think that I should be two. Okay, so you're two. Yes, so Jack feels he's two. Alex, you feel you're six. But Alex, you're being really sweet. You originally called in because you said you and Jack are even. So you think Jack is five and you're six and you're happy with that.

Yeah, I'm delighted with that. Great. Jack, you think Alex is eight and you think you are two, correct? Yeah, I'm delighted by that. Yeah, yeah. Katie, do you have anything else before you see the numbers? I just need to come. Can we please have the numbers? Please, I'm dying. This is taking so long. I'm dying to know who's better. Katie, we're going to go another 45 minutes of this. I got you right where I want you, Katie! Katie!

Gareth, anything before you finish? I came minutes ago. I got you nowhere where I want you. I got another round in me, baby. Wonderful. Katie, I've got to keep going until Gareth reloads. I've been doing this with him for almost 20 years. You need a cold towel and 10 minutes. Or just blame it on weird sweat. Let's keep going. Keep going, baby. No cleanup. So, Nat Attack.

Hey. I say, it's time for you to take over and walk us through. And will you read what's going on and just guide us through this a little bit? Yeah, sure. Okay. First of all, before we do it, Jack, Alex, how are you feeling? Last thoughts? Let's see. We've been waiting a long time for this. He's edgy. Yes, we're all ready. Jake, you're setting it up to be too much.

You're doing a great job, Jake. It's just driving me nuts. In terms of the metaphor, I have lost my erection. I'm trying to get it back. You know what you're doing? You're doing the who wants to be a millionaire where you're like, all right. But it's simply because I've lost track. No, we're not. I'm moving on. We're just going to go. Nat Attack, go. This is good. Okay, so you guys made a bet at the end of the last call. Oh.

Oh, right. So these are the terms of the bet. So if Jack ranks at a one or a two, or if there is a six point difference and Jack is six points higher than Alex. Oh.

then Alex will take a lesson from Jack. The lesson. We want video. And if Jack and Alex are within three points, then Jack will apologize to Alex for offering lessons in front of the whole team. More video. Either way. So Jack and Alex, are you both still okay with this? Absolutely.

I can't lose. Like, there's no way that he's six above me. Okay, so for you, you are the six above you. It says if Jack ranks one or two. So if Jack is a two, you need to take a lesson from him. Yeah, I agree.

Or if there is a six point difference. So then for Alex, if Jack, if you guys are within three points, you need to apologize to the whole team. Alex, you need to film it. And Jack, don't do it half-ass and trying to be cute and funny. Fucking apologize. I will do it. Yeah. I will do it with all the passion of floor hockey and love for Alex. And I want there to be something in there where you do say my ego's out of control.

- Okay. - Okay. - Deal. - All right, let's, holy shit. - All right, so we only received seven submissions. Seven answers. - Hold on, Alex and Jack, does that change anything for you guys? - So half the team, basically. - Before we get into excuses. - No. - Okay, Jack, you're okay with the seven? - No, I landed more than I thought.

Yeah, it landed in a lot of people's junk mail, apparently. Wow. But so Jack and Alex, you are willing to accept the seven as our final answer, yes? Yes.

Katie, are you unhappy with the seven? I'm unhappy. I just feel like they had so much time. But maybe we gave that, was it that they had to get their vote in by a certain time? We had a deadline. We got late commissions, which I took anyways. I also think a lot of people didn't care because it's just stupid floor honking at work. Wow. I think my wife. I wouldn't have cared anyway.

anymore. I care so much. So I'm a little disappointed that the people who are in control of it. Look, I've been disappointed at people for not voting before. So it's just a little bit more of that. But it just feels like this is kind of important, guys. Gareth, are you comfortable with leaning into the seven? And that's it. We never discuss it again. That's it. That's what we're going to get. Like Katie said, it's the presidential election. Half the

people don't vote. This is the system. This is what the founding fathers of this podcast wanted when they came up with it. We have to accept it. Jake, are you also willing to accept it? 100%. I would be happy if only one did. I just don't want somebody to come up with an excuse and say, if the other seven did, I would have. No. We all have decided before we got to the answers, we live and die by the seven. Everyone's in agreement. Yes.

Yeah. That attack turned the page. All right. So some people gave commentary and some people just gave straight numbers. So you're going to see a difference on some of the slides. Okay. Thank you for doing this. Oh, shit. Okay. Wow. Anonymous one. Jack two. Alex eight. Okay. Feels like bingo. Next one. This one gave a whole. Oh my God. Oh my God. Yes. A lot of comments. Anonymous two. Yeah.

Your most verbose coworker. Are those decimal points? I think it's turned into biblical passages. They didn't give an overall score. They just gave all of the rankings on all the categories we asked about, and I averaged them together. I'll run through them. I mean. I'll run through them quickly, but we can definitely post on the socials the full breakdown. But I feel like they might have done it in reverse.

No, I checked it. Oh, okay. They did actually do it in reverse. I used their commentary to fix it. I reversed it back, and we're here now. Well, I am totally lost, but let's go through it. Jack was given... It's shocking. Jack was given an 11 for scoring, a 14 for defense, 13 for court vision, 10 as a teammate. Scoring. Jack, and I need you to hear this. Okay. While he does score some goals...

The little dance he does after cherry picking a little, tap him like he did something impressive, lowers his score. Okay. So you were dinged for your little dance.

14 defense. I know exactly who said that. 14 defense. Katie, you want to read this one, Katie? Oh, that's sweet. You think I can read from that far away? 14 defense. Jack does not play defense. Now spelled with an S and then a C is interesting. Jack does not play defense except under duress, hence not a zero. Okay. Katie, keep going. You're on fire. 13 defense.

court vision. He only has eyes for other players. What is that? Sexual. Interesting. I think that's exactly right. 10 teammates. He's quick to tell you how great a job you did on a play, especially if it involved him in some way. Interesting. Interesting.

Interesting. Eight. Eight. Ability to affect the game in a positive or negative way. Nine. Passing. His passes are solid when he makes them. Interesting. Eight and a half IQ, just like his IQ. Oh, you're getting dinged, King. And then seven endurance. I know exactly who did this one.

His endurance is decent, but for someone who never has sleeves on his shirt, Pat McAfee, I figured he'd be faster. Okay, so Jack, really fast. Who's the one saying this? So I've worked a couple jobs at our place of employment, and there's no way this isn't my first boss. We banter a lot when we're playing. Okay.

But now let's hear what he said about Alex. Katie? Oh, me again. Okay. Four scoring. Alex is there when you need him. Solid player and is also quick to set up assists. Great. Three defense. Alex hustles back to play defense as needed. Great.

Two court vision, Alex sees all. Great. One teammate. If I had to sum Alex up in two words, quiet leader. Quiet leader. Hold on. Hold on. Alex. Wow. You got quiet leader, my glue king. Quiet leader is massive, Alex. I'm really blushing right now. You fucking should be.

Katie, you might keep going. Let's keep going. One ability to affect the game in a positive or negative way. His attendance is required for it to be a good game. Glue guy! This is beyond glue.

Truly. Two passing. His passes are solid and get to your stick like a laser. Lasers and caps. Emphasized. One IQ, just like his IQ. All right. I don't know. Is that the same? I should have left it. There was an edit there. It was actually 180. I don't know if that's better. That is better. Way better.

Why does this guy know your IQ? Yeah. So this guy loves you, Alex. Loves you. This is your wife, I think?

I think did this. Yes. And then lastly, five, endurance. His endurance is decent, but he would push past his human limits and tap into something primal. It's pretty amazing to see. This one is from Alex. This has to be Alex. What are you talking about? We need to know for real, Alex, did you write this? I know exactly who wrote this. I did not write this, but I do know who did. Swear to God, swear on everything holy to you, you didn't write this.

I swear to God, I didn't write it. And you can check with Jesse. Neither of them are this person. Okay, let's go on. All right. I like this person. Okay, anonymous. Jack on this one is an eight. Alex is a six. Wow, this is crazy. Next one.

Jack is a seven. Alex is a ten. This is tightening up. This is wild. Okay, next one. Jack is a four. Alex is a nine. Shit.

Gareth, you want to do this one? Sure. This is anonymous six. We've got for Jack, great scorer and smart touches around net. First, you got to give the score. Well, I thought I'd cap it off. All right, cap it off, cap it off. Play your game. Does not play defense. Cherry picks. That's something we're hearing a lot of. It has a solid hockey IQ and skill. Plays the offensive half of the court well and solid face-offs. Gets the trash-talking going overall six. Alex...

Game has improved remarkably this past year. Passing is better, vision is stronger, and endurance is more solid. Does not maintain possession as strongly under pressure and still needs to work out shot accuracy. Very positive team member. During this, it reoccurred to me how funny what is actually happening right now is. Not what you want to get as a glue guy. It just...

It reoccurred to what the fuck we're actually doing right now. Anyway, Alex's overall is an eight. So Jack, six, Alex, eight. Interesting. This is so tight. Katie, you want to do this one? Yeah. Anonymous7 says, with a little caveat, these are both above average players in our league. It's close.

Jack focuses on offense and sometimes leaves the goalie exposed when he doesn't have a defensive-minded teammate. But his play in front of the opponent's goal gives him the slight edge overall. He ranks him a five. Alex is the more well-rounded player, contributing on both offense and defense. Interesting.

Getting a rank of a seven. Is that all of them? That's all of them, and I have one tallying slide at the end. Please. So hold on, guys. This is for all the fucking marbles. The results. Wow. Jack and Alex are within three points of...

And Jack was not a one or a two. Wow. Therefore, Jack will apologize to Alex for offering lessons in front of the team. Total averages. Jack, you are a 5.99, rounded up to six.

Alex, you are a 7.20 rounded down to seven. Alex claimed that he was a six and that Jack was a five. Jack claimed that he was a two and Alex was an eight. Alex, you are

one jackie boy you have lost starting with the loser of ufc they do not interview the guy who just got knocked out because of concussions but we are going to you jack may i do my catchphrase announcement let's get ready to humble

Nearly perfect, G-Man. Jack, the microphone's yours. This is not your apology. That goes to the team. Alex, we ask you to film it. Jack, this is just your postgame. This is, the mic's on you. What's going on?

Yeah, I humbly accept defeat. You know, I think that when I gave my analysis of Alex, I said he did everything right. He just needed to improve his shooting and his scoring and his passing. And I think that that was reflected in the responses. I'm going to tape a five next to my door and, you know, hit it every day. Six. 5.99, King.

Oh, yep, my bad. I'm going to tape a six next to my door and slap it on my way out the door every day. And we'll do nothing but hit the gym, hit the court, and get back to it. You feel a little bit embarrassed about... Pass, Merrick, try passing. Yeah, but do you feel a little embarrassed about all four lessons? I have no more dancing either. About lessons, though? No, no, I think... It's a six to a seven. It's a six to a seven.

Yeah, no. I'm shocked by the passing remarks because I don't hold onto the ball very much. I either get the ball and pass or get the ball and shoot. I'm not good at controlling the ball for long. Katie, your thoughts really fast? Just that I was nice to hear humility for what I believe may be the first time. Ever. I'm really not very good at that. In closing, Jack, your final statements?

I am happy I get to play floor hockey with my friend Alex every Wednesday. What a beautiful ending. And now Alex, the quiet leader, the polite alpha, the seven to Jack six.

How you feeling, big dog? You know, I'm feeling pretty good. I thought I'd feel better, weirdly. Oh, no. You know, I'm thinking about it, and I told Jack this after our last game. We actually ended up on the same team this last game, and I think our skills really complement each other.

in that like when we're on the same team, I feel like we're pretty unstoppable because we kind of have the court vision and the defense that's needed on one side and Jack can kind of do what he wants to do around the goal. And so I, you know, I, I feel, I feel like, you know, Jack, Jack does get, you know, deserve some credit here. You know what this sounds to me, Alex, like you're a quarterback and Jack's the wide receiver and you understand that wide receivers are crazy. Yeah.

Do you also know you're putting up good numbers with Antonio Brown? Oh, Jesus.

What a squad you formed. But, you know, you're like, in his prime, number 84 could do some shit with the ball. Sure, sure. A lot of other options, I think. I know, I know. A lot of other options. I hear you in a lot of ways. But number 84 could do some shit with the ball. Or without it. Or without it. You don't even need to be on the field to do some shit. And so...

Absolutely. Absolutely.

I did a pickleball movie that's going to be coming out. And maybe there's going to be a press thing where I try to get you two guys out together as a team. Wow. Now I just feel like I'm part of the press tour. Let's see what these boys can do. Let's see what these boys can do. Because all of a sudden, if you put these two boys together, they might win the goddamn thing. I will say, for a little bit more context, we work at a college.

And, uh, we, you know, it's, it's, uh, let's keep the anatomy, uh, you know, because I'm thinking in California, English teachers, right?

It's in Maryland. It's in Maryland. Okay. And I will say we played pickleball last night against two girls that are on the varsity soccer team here, and we crushed them. It was a big moment. Well, guys, just when you made fans out of everybody, you made it a little weird. I'll be totally honest with you. I wasn't going to say it. I like it.

I'll also be in Baltimore this weekend if you would like to come. That's my premiere. Oh, you're going to be in Maryland? Yeah.

Where in Maryland? Bring the whole team. Yeah, bring the whole team. Whatever. Who cares? Come do a type five. You can do a guest five. Do me a favor. Play floor hockey during the show. Message Natalie if you guys are interested in coming. But yeah, I don't know. How do we put a fine point on this? I'll tell you what, Katie, do you have any... You've been on a journey with us. Yes. This is now the end. We're laying around all smoking cigarettes in the bed. Your thoughts?

Look, I think this worked out as perfectly as it could have. I think we went on a journey. We gathered numbers. I'm still holding on to a bit of disappointment for the rest of the league that they couldn't participate in a popular podcast asking for their opinion about something. But I'll let that go. I'll talk to my therapist about that. I think I love that when it all came down to it,

Jack was slightly humbled, which I think I felt he needed. And Alex even came back from that humbling to say like, hey, chin up, Jack, you're a great teammate, which is exactly what you want from your glue guy. So I think...

feel like this is just going to make them more successful on the court and closer as friends, which is all you can want at the end of the day. And then in terms of the press tour, will you tell us about your podcast a little bit? Oh yeah, it's called Casuals. It's for people who think they don't like sports, but I contend it's just that nobody talks about it in a way that would interest them. So

So this has been a perfect setup for us. It's absolutely perfect. And it's been a blast and a joy to be here. We're here to help audience members who don't think you like sports, but you've loved this. Check out Casuals. You're going to love it. You might. You might.

What's your final take on all this madness? Well, I think even though it was a limited form of democracy, it did work. And I would say that both of our athletes seem to come off pretty good, except for the end when they talked about how they beat two women last night at the pickleball. But no, it feels like there's something to build on for both of our guys.

And I'm just enjoying the post-coital cigarette. And it's been a real pleasure, gentlemen. And what I would like to say to you guys. Thanks. Katie's a gentleman. What I would like to say to you guys in closing is, Alex, you've been validated, but don't forget who you are. Don't let this change you. What makes you good is that this victory doesn't feel sweet for you. And I'm also going to say, Jack, you've been humbled, but don't forget who you are, King.

Because sometimes what makes you great is that the sword's sharp on both sides. We got to go. And don't be afraid, Jack. Run faster. Jack. I don't believe that's true. Jack, don't learn too big of a lesson here because a lot of these people who wrote are your competitors. Oh, my God. He's undoing all of it. He's undoing everything that happened. So, Jack, you get out there and you play your game because guess what? Jake, we're losing sponsors. The people who wrote this are the people who fear you.

and play against you. Do you understand what I'm saying, Jack? I do, I do, I do. I'm more motivated than ever today. You should be, because guess what?

Anonymous one through six are afraid of you, Jack. And seven is you. Hey, gentlemen, we love you. Thank you for the call. This was excellent. And thank you, Katie. And thank you, Katie. Good luck with the rest of the season, boys. Yeah. Let us know how the season goes. We want video of everything. Send us this video and please follow up how the season goes and how you've changed.

Absolutely. Thank you. Thanks. God bless. Bye. Wow. What a ride. Wow. What a ride. It's everything I hoped it would be. It really was. It was really great. It was an unpredicted ending. I did not think that was going to be the ending. I thought Jack was going to murder him. Me too. I thought it was going to be two to ten. Also, great producing because the first slide, I was like, shit, we're in for it. This is just going to be a lot of this. And then it wasn't.

It's perfect. Holy cow. I feel complete. I haven't been sleeping well the last few days and I didn't know what it was and now I know it was this. I needed this. You're going to sleep like a baby. I'm going to sleep for two days. No doubt. We all are. Amazing. I feel complete.

Well, this is great. Great. Thank you. Katie, thank you so much. I don't want this to be over. I know. I don't either. We got to find a new league. We got to find a new league with more internal strife. Katie can be like the sports helper. Yeah. By the way. Great. Anytime.

Yes. Yeah, great. Anytime you get a sports question, I'm here. I like that call so much, I don't want it over. I know. But they're gone. And now we're just like weirdos hanging around. Now we're just sitting here. Now the next one's going to be like, I eat toothpaste. Why do I do that? You're a fucking weirdo. Have you ever played floor hockey? What's your court vision like? Come on.

We bring in Alex and Jack. They're going to help you with this toothpaste issue. Alex, go first. They're quiet alphas. They leave. Polite alphas. Polite alphas. Oh, yeah, polite alphas. Thank you so much, Katie. Thank you, Katie. You're the best. This is a treat, a joy, all the positive adjectives. You guys are the best. Likewise, and appreciate it.

Cool. See you sometime. Oh, that was fucking great. Great work, Nat, Rob. Perfect. So good. Nat mainly. I'm not going to tell him that you guys did that. Smart. I can't hear on camera. First person. It's wrong. I'd like to formally apologize to Alex for having such an ego that I thought I should offer you four hockey lessons. It will never happen again. Thanks, Jack. Bye-bye.

♪ Yes and a ♪

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash heretohelppod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing, mix, and master by Chris Fowler.

Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostyke. Animations by Andrew Strzelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand-up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com. Remember, all of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com forward slash here to help pod. Hi, I'm Rachel Bilson. And I'm Olivia Allen. And we host the podcast. Broad Ideas. Yes, that's now on HeadGum. On our show, we chat with people like Brittany Snow, Lucy Hale, Kristen Bell, Margaret Cho, Jake Johnson, and so much more.

And we talk about all the things you would talk about with your best friend. Like your periods. And mental illness. And the food you ate for lunch. Most importantly. Listen to Broad Ideas on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, YouTube, or wherever you listen to your podcasts.