166: No Shoes, No Shirt, Teeth In & Unwrapping Whoppers (with Steve Berg)
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Hi, everybody. All right, we're back. Well, Jake, now come on. Now, shut up. Listen to me. Okay, so you know you're a... Any bit of difference...

You immediately go. I comment. Hey, did you do something to your nose? I remember when I went to New York to shoot like my first pilot. Do you remember that? Like years ago, we threw a party. Yeah. It was very stupid because then it got passed on. Then we were like, ah, stupid. Remind me of this party though.

It was, I think it was like, it was downtown somewhere. It was like the Hotel Figaro. It was Evan's idea. Evan really wanted to throw like this party to celebrate us going to New York. So whatever, we go to New York, six months, make a pilot that's completely middle of the road. Gets passed on. But before it got passed and I came back,

And you were 100% I'd done something. You go, your teeth. And I'm going, what are you talking about? I'm like, I don't know what you're talking about. You're going, you did something to your teeth. And I'm going, dude, stop. You right now, okay. Yeah. New haircut. I got a haircut, yeah. And a shave. I shaved the beard. You look...

10 years younger. Well, it's not what my kids say. You look like a meme of you that people send me. You know what my daughter said? Why'd you do it? It looks terrible. This is not a joke, Gareth. My other daughter, Elizabeth, was homesick. Yeah. And when I got back, she literally, and this is not a joke, gagged.

They don't like you. Kids don't like when their parents change. I don't like when people change. My dad shaved his beard once, and I thought he was a different guy. I was very sure of that. But I'm similar to kids on that. That's why I always comment on stuff. I don't like change. But really quickly, I want to bring something up with you that I think I would like to get your take on. And guess what? We're not a topical show, but this one could be topical. Thoughts on Shador Sanders'

to the fifth round getting drafted by Cleveland and that kid not getting drafted for those who don't follow sports. Neon Deion Sanders, look good, dress good, play good, pay good. We all know Deion. He's got sons. He coaches them in college. His one son is a top-rated quarterback.

No team in the old stuffy NFL drafted this fucking kid. We know how you feel. Well, here's what's funny about you, Jake. Here's what's funny about you, Jake. Yeah. When we used to play sports, you often framed yourself as Dion. Did I? Yes. You called yourself Pac-Man, but you also referred to yourself as prime. You also referred to yourself as prime time. So you have an affinity for flair. Pac-Man.

Yeah. You were a you were a third over 30 year old guy playing with a Frisbee in Griffith Park. Definitely more of a Pac-Man is quite a quote for what was going on back there. But and you're not there. Do you remember the nickname we got you from those first ball days that stuck in my phone until this podcast?

Well, Oldsmobile? 87 Oldsmobile. And so Gareth, for years in my phone. Because I got there, but it was not pretty to watch. Well, because you would do things where the field we played on had all these dips and dives in it, and Gareth would be running, and his foot would go in a hole, and your leg would do this motion where when you would fall...

I would be sure that was it. That you were going too fast. You were too eager to get the ball. You'd now destroyed your leg. Yes. The whole body changed. No health insurance, by the way. No health insurance. Then you would get up. You would do like a really...

internalized, walk it off, like self-talk, but you wouldn't be cussing at others. And then you would get back in the game. And I was like, you're like somebody's 1987 Oldsmobile that I grew up going in where you'd go, how many miles is it? And they'd go 240. And then you would take a road trip in it and it would be fine. Yeah. Yeah. It'd be scary, but it'd be fine. It'd be scary. There'd be moments where you'd be like, what's that sound? And the guy would be like, don't know.

Don't know. It just started clicking. But like drive through it and the clicking stops. Yeah, and then eventually it stopped clicking. I hit the side, it stopped clicking. You were 87 in my phone and now it's Garfield. You know, I...

I think we've talked about Berg's tennis abilities on the show before, but Berg, the last time I played tennis, Berg basically blew my ankle out by painting the lines. Oh, interesting. He's phenomenal. It's like a joke if you were to be like, oh, Steve Berg is unbelievably good at tennis. You know the only time we played, I beat him. Yes, I know. Keep going. Pac-Man, primetime.

But back to Sanders. Hold on. We'll get back to him. But he blew my ankle out. I woke – I, like, opened my eyes, and a bunch of probably 15-year-old girls and Berg are over me like –

And I was like, I could still play. And everyone was like, stay down. Stop it. Stay. And I was like, I could finish. What is your problem, dude? Chill. I don't know enough, but I did read a couple days before the draft that one guy said his interview was the worst interview he'd ever seen a player take in the NFL. Yeah.

So I don't know what that means. I mean, I saw that he built himself a little like throne for draft night. Yeah, but look who his dad is. I also think... He's a fucking good quarterback. He can play the game. I also think it's like...

There are so many guys where you're like, yes, guys like an asshole or whatever, you know what I mean? And they get drafted. It's like, it's not, there was a guy, Mike green who got drafted by the Ravens. And I only know this because I, at first I was like, Oh, he could be a good bear. I read about the draft about a week before I don't watch college football. So I like to read about it at the end. It's fun. I was like, Ooh, Mike green would be good. And then he started slipping and I was like, Oh, why is he slipping? And I read, I'm like, Oh, he's been accused of sexual assault two different times.

He got drafted in the second round, but Sanders threw himself a draft day party. And the Browns signed Deshaun Watson, who had 28 sexual assault crimes. So the issue with Sanders is that like... So what do you think it is? You just think it's purely that he's neon deons? I think what it is is...

Neon Dion, dress good, play good, pay good, is trying to change the power dynamics and the players have the power. And Dion was talking during his thing about like where he's going to go. And he's like, he's not just going to go to any organization. And it was this idea that players were going to control what team they went to a little bit more, a little bit more like the NBA. Right.

Right. And I think the NFL got together and said, we can't have this happen because now if he's a fifth round draft pick, as opposed to a first round, his money is so different that,

that other kids who are right now getting an NIL deal where they're making $3 million to play in Nebraska and their attitude's getting big, they'll go like, yeah, I'm not messing around with the NFL. Those guys are stuffy old men and they will punish you even if it hurts their team because it helps the overall business. And so I think he was a lesson. Yeah. I think the tie dye makes you look even younger.

The tie-dye makes you look like I could sell you a dime bag at a concert. By the way, because I used to wear tie-dyes when I would buy dime bags at concerts. It's really quite a look change. You're not wrong, by the way. I actually think that's... I had not even really thought about that. I still...

Just think that even 31 teams saying, oh yeah, we got to send a message. One team would be like, yeah, we do, but we also need a quarterback. But how about this? You're the Pittsburgh Steelers, right? Yeah, that's the one that I thought was going to take him. Oh, how about this? You're the Cowboys. You need a backup to Dak.

You need a new DAC, maybe. So all these teams, and they go, none of them are doing it. This feels to me like... Conspiracy. This is a bit... This was a bit, a few little conversations and word spread of, guys, the college football is changing. These kids are starting to get paid. The attitudes are changing. They will ruin our billion-dollar business. We need to set a message now, this is our league, and we're allowing you to play in it.

Well, I'll tell you what. I think you probably think this as well, that, I mean, this is, you talk about self-motivating. Oh, these kids got it now. I've become the biggest fan of his clip when he got drafted. He and his brother and his friends, they're all dancing and celebrating. Yeah. Now, mind you, I'm getting to Mandy Patinkin's age and spirit. Gareth, I got emotional. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

That's what I'm turning into is Mandy. Saying you have an inside Patinkin is really. I do. You're Patinkin on the inside? Yes. I cry all the time. Oh, God. And all of a sudden, I'm sitting there watching. Last time you cried? 40 minutes ago. Why? The clip of Shooter's Candidate. Before that. Probably last night. Why? Watching something, hearing a song. Wow. Inner Patinkin.

You have an interview. That feels a little incongruent with the Neon D.I.P. type Pac-Man. Guess what? I'm a Gemini, baby. Two phases. Let's get into the show. Okay. All right, everybody. So here's what we got to set up. The first call really fast. Steve Berg is on. There was a mishap with my schedule, but I joined that one a little late. Yep. Nat Attack asked us to set that up. She said it was too weird without the intro. And lastly...

In our follow-up, we have Stone with us. Yeah, so, yeah. I mean, do we need to, I feel like people know. No, but the only reason that he's on there, we do his follow-up that I think is going to come later. And at the end of it, it was so fun that we just said, hey, you want to just hang out with us?

And so we're playing them out of order, but we did his follow-up. So that's coming up, I think next week. Yeah. And then Gareth got to know Stone a little bit. And obviously those two gentlemen connected right away. It's hard to not connect with Stone. This is the greatest. And so the way we do this show is when we record, we're on Zoom. He must love football. For sure. Or not. He could be either way. Well, it's the feet that I'm pointing at. Right.

Yeah, but so he joins us. And the way we do it is we'll do like six calls in a row and we'll do like a bunch of follow-ups in a row. And so we just said, honestly, I think for me, I didn't want him to go because I like his vibe so much. So he just pops into follow-ups that he knew nothing about. So it's a little weird, but I think you'll enjoy it. Yeah.

It's our version of when Johnny Carson would ask a comedian onto the couch. If you do a follow-up and we ask you to hang around for a call, we're having feelings for you. Jake started crying. So everybody, enjoy the show.

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It just has it all. So no matter who you are, booking.com helps you find the stay that's ridiculously right for you. Find exactly what you're booking for on booking.com. Booking. Yeah. There we go. There we go, babe. Hey, look at me. Hey, babe. Perfect. Thank you for doing this. Yeah, how's my hair?

You look phenomenal. Obviously, you're in space, and it looks pretty good for someone floating. And by the way, can I just point out before we even – yeah, you got to – Well, on my thing, it covers the whole thing, but I guess not on Zoom. Yeah, on Zoom, it's really ruining the effect. You guys have inferior technology. Stop. No, we'll crop you into a little square, so it'll cover you anyways. Yeah. I'll put you in a Martian. I moved it. I moved it. All right, let's get down to business.

So, Steve, here's what happened. So we had a session ready to go today with Jake, our amigo. Jake Johnson from We're Here to Help. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wasn't sure if it was you. No, that would be – I'm not even going to dip into that. But so we were having a session. Jake apparently was busy today. Okay.

We saw a thumbs up on a text. He hearted a thing. He said no to an invite. There's some, we're not sure where this stood, but we thought we were recording today. So we got all geared up. I obviously put on my Sunday's best. I made sure my frame was great. And then it turns out he's not doing the show today. He's busy. So we've pivoted. So because we had some callers, we just did one and we're bringing you in for this one. So we're going to jump in. Yeah. You know the show. Yeah.

Is there anything in the oven right now? No, there's nothing in the oven, but you can go ahead and say you wanted to bring in the big gun when referring to me. Do I have to get you to do it? Yeah, I don't feel like I won't be at my best unless you come with a big gun.

Go ahead. No, no, I'll do it when we have the call. I'm not just going to say it right now to you. I'd like to hear it. I think Natalie wouldn't mind hearing it. You'll hear it on the call. I think you should practice. Yeah. Nat attack. Nat attack. Why is it that when we need the help, you're quiet, and when we don't, you're just... This is the nat attack. She agrees. You know we call her that now? The nat attack? I like it. It has a ring to it. All right, I'll practice real quick, and then we got to get into it. All right, caller, blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh, cool. Okay. Well, you know, Jay couldn't make it today, so we thought we'd bring in...

The big gun, Steve Berg. The Norwegian nightmare. My God. All right. I'm going to have to get a pen. All right. Can we bring in the caller quickly before he starts adding more credits? Hello. Hi. Hi. How are you? I'm doing well. Thank you. Good. Well, welcome to the show. We're here to help. I'm going to give you an update real quick. Because of some schedule stuff, Jake is not going to be on today with you.

Please, can I do your intro? And then you can do that? Sorry, sorry. Okay, so we had to think quickly. And, you know, I wanted to bring in someone who's been on the show before who is definitely a player in the We're Here to Help universe. Fan favorite, fan favorite. So I thought, would you stop talking while I'm doing the intro to you? So we thought we'd bring in the big gun, the Norwegian Nightmare,

Fan favorite Steve Berg is joining us today. Wow. Yeah, so this is pretty big. So can we get your name, your approximate age, and where you're calling from, please? My name is Tammy. I'm in my late 30s, and I'm from California. Great. Where in California? Northern California. Ooh, that's the place to be. Also, I just want to say, I've never met a Tammy I didn't like.

Would you stop? It's a fun name. Would you just stop? She's on our side. We're on her side. We don't need to butter her up like a chicken in the oven you forgot about. I'm a biscuit butterer, man. You got to butter a biscuit sometimes. All right. All right, Tammy. Well, Tammy, we're excited to help you. We got Steve here. What's going on? What can we help you with? Okay. So I run breakfast at a hotel.

Okay. I was promoted to manager about a month and a half ago. Okay. But a couple of months before that, I had a coworker stop wearing her dentures. Oh, my God. You can count how many teeth she has. It's zero. Okay. Oh, so she is gums only. Yes. Okay.

So now that I'm in a position where I can say or do something, I don't really know how to go about that.

Because obviously it's awkward, but also she's like super, super resentful that she got passed up for manager. And I'm not trying to make like a weird power move. I just want her to put her teeth back in. Tammy, okay, first of all, let me say this. You have called the right show with this problem. This is right in the wheelhouse. Let's give her a name even if it's fake. Should we just call her Grace maybe?

Sure. Okay. We're going to call her Grace because she's gumless. In what capacity is she, like, what's her exact job, her position? So I'd say breakfast attendant. She's not in the kitchen much, so she's very much out in the buffet area, like, stocking. Is she interacting? She's interacting with people? Yeah. It's very customer-facing. What's the age on her?

She's in her late 40s. Oh, wow. She looks much older than that. Well, I mean, having literally no teeth does age you. Yeah. It gives you that sort of, yeah, like boxcar hobo energy. Does she play a harmonica? No. Does she have a corncob pipe? What's her overall deal? She's got one set? Yeah.

Did this occur when you, around the same time where you got the position that she wanted? Is this in your face to you? No, it was before that. A mouse protest? It was a couple of months before that, yeah. Oh, okay. So, yeah. Okay. So that alleviates that concern for me that she is doing this to, like, you know, mess with you. But that would be crazy, too. If I were to try... She does other things to do that. Hmm.

If I were to try to nail down your main issue with this decision she's made, what would it be? Probably just, you know, what our guests might be thinking or assuming about

Have you ever seen a guest be a little weirded out? I mean, I would again, I mean, like I've stayed in some real dingy spots, so I've seen some stuff. But, you know, it's like the person who approaches you at the buffet, it's kind of the kitchen liaison a little bit. You don't want them to look like they're going to take you on a haunted tour of an abandoned mine. Right. Right.

You know, we're like a three-star hotel, so, you know, we're not like a little dingy motel or anything. Right. Has anyone above you in the hotel mentioned this to you? Like, that they've noticed this? He knows that...

All like me and all of our coworkers kind of are concerned about it, but he hasn't really done anything about it. I, I, okay. Go ahead, Steve. Do you have anything else? I mean, I got, I got, I got one idea. You got a pitch. Let's go. I got a pitch. So you could try this.

You could say, hey, we're doing like a staff picture day, like almost like a high school yearbook thing. And see if – and you could basically be like, you know, you could just put a backdrop down, have someone take it with their iPhone and –

If she shows up with her dentures, you'd be like, oh, wow, you look so great. You could, like, over compliment her. And if she shows up without the dentures, that means she's like, nope, I'm not wearing dentures anymore. This is me. Because, I mean, if she's going to have her photograph taken, you know, most people's inclination is to gussy themselves up and make themselves look as good as they can. Yeah. That's a very good pitch, and it opens up a little bit of a door in my –

Is she on social media? Do you know? She probably has like Facebook or something. It would be interesting to go through and see if recent postings have teeth in. Like, is she... It's very strange. It seems really weird. Look...

here's what we need. We need to A, get answers on whether or not this is a choice or not. Like, because if it's economic, I mean, you know, what are you going to do? You can't be like, well, at this hotel, we have tea. I feel like you kind of just got to figure it out, you know? So I feel like you kind of got to let that part go. Then I kind of like leaning into Steve's pitch. And the truth is, if you were to say like someone from the hotel is going to start like

on the hotel social media or something like that. Be a little more active around the hotel and take some more pictures and do a couple videos. That's a way to maybe start doing it. And it's even a way for you to maybe ask a question and just say, hey, look, I'm not trying, like, we're going to take a picture, all of us. We're going to do individual pictures. They say they might post it on the social media so people feel like the staff is more of a family. Right.

Are you going to wear your teeth? Are you done wearing your dentures? It just, you know, we're just curious. Hi. Tammy, I've got big news. Hey, Jakey Jake. Jake Johnson has joined. Hey, buddy. Hi, Jake. Your name's Tammy? Isn't that a funny name? Hey, Tammy. Sorry, I was doing a Taco Bell commercial. Oh, Jake. I love Taco Bell.

You're going to like these spots because Taco Bell is more than a taco place now, Steve. It's a taco place. It's also a chicken place. It's also a taco place. Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake. First of all, you're now encroaching on the shows. You know what I mean? You can't be. You're right. You're right. Drop the Taco Bell energy. By the way, Jake, you are coming in the hottest I've ever seen you. Here's our deal with Tammy. So Tammy is she's got a higher up position at a hotel. She's kind of running the breakfast area.

She just got promoted to manager of the hotel. Thank you. Yeah. And one of her coworkers who is a little jealous, uh, that she got the job, uh, um,

has decided to not wear her dentures anymore. She's in her forties. And now, but how does that make sense? Why would her jealous coworker? Well, that's just, I just, I just, Steve's putting a little mustard on it. She stopped wearing her dentures before Tammy's promotion. So we don't think this is a mouth. We thought it was a mouth protest for a second, but the thing is, uh,

we feel like, you know, you're eating breakfast and stuff like that. She's in her forties too. And she does have dentures and the dentures, you know, according to Tammy are a pretty big improvement around the breakfast area, the eating area. So, so this is a great show guys. It's great. It's great. How do we get, I mean, we're biased. It is the best. By the way,

By the way, the pockets of inaccuracy or missing that Steve has are just awesome, too. Go ahead, Steve. It's the game of telephone, I'm sure. Tammy, I got to hear from you soon. I'm cutting to the chase. Time is money, babe. Jake, a couple things. The main thing is that we're calling this woman Grace. Grace. She's in her 40s, so this is not like her... You know, we don't know how she got to the denture game. Yeah, okay. But since she stopped wearing them, Tammy's worst...

is really only that when Grace approaches guests at the buffet area, it's weird. She looks weird. It's a gaunt look. It's hurting sales. Would you like another sausage, Lincoln? You're like, oh, I'm good. Not if that's what's going to happen to me. So... Whatever you're eating, I don't want them.

So that's very true, honestly. For the person there to be like your liaison. Can I get you some frozen yogurt? No, you can put some fucking tea in there. Would you like some pancakes? Those are the easiest ones to chew. I've got some homemade lemonade I made. Pass. Anything you are making that goes in my mouth, I'm not putting in my mouth. We also have yogurt. Yeah. So, Tammy, Tammy, is all this accurate? And where are you at with the pitches?

It's all very accurate. And I'm leaning towards more of the compliment route. We've got more pitches coming. Okay. That's a good start. It's the easiest. It's the least drastic. Because the picture date thing is you'll have to convince the other coworkers that

And they'll be like, what did you ever do with those pictures, you weirdo? But Tammy, walk me through the compliment as the way you see it, how it leads her to wearing dentures on a regular old Tuesday. I think she would just respond well to that. And how would that compliment go? If you're you and you're giving the compliment to Tammy, how would you do it? How does that feel? Um...

Yeah, I guess I would have to...

make something up about an Aunt Beth. Yeah. But Jake, we have a SAG-AFTRA actor on the call. I know, but... One who hasn't worked today. We might want to just employ his skills real quick. But I think we could get there, but here's where I'm kind of getting to before we get there, because I think this is a good pitch. I'm just wondering if there's more meat on the bone before, because I don't know if you got a lady who started taking her dentures off at work and she works, let's just call it a food court. Oof.

I love a food court. It's not a food court though. It's a hotel buffet area. But I'm saying it to Steve. You're in Taco Bell zone. Yeah, I am. But I'm saying it to Steve because I'm thinking he knows malls. He knows food court. He knows there's like boardwalk fries. I like living muff. Yeah, exactly. So if all of a sudden someone's working there and Tammy, they have no teeth, do they do customer service?

Yeah, she's mostly, she doesn't really stay in the kitchen much. She's out there. She's front of house. She's the face of the buffet. So are you, and you're, but by the way, that's the truth. Yeah. Yes. There is that person who's kind of like, oh, we're going to bring more cornflakes, you know, whatever. Hey, where's the roast beef? And they go, the roast beef over here. And you go, no cheese. Yeah. So Tammy, she's front of house and your manager, what kind of authority do you have? Um, yeah.

Could you put a mandate? Here's where I'm getting at, Tammy. No shirts, no shoes, no service. No shirts, no shoes, teeth required. Well, I don't think it's specifically lined out in our, you know, handbook because I have gone through that.

Well, here's what I'm saying. There's always adjustments with new leadership, like the Yankees, for example. Of all the baseball teams in the league, they say no facial hair. It's arbitrary, but that's what it is there. You could say hair must be in ponytails or up. Shirts must be tucked in. Teeth must be present. Right.

We're a tooth place. We're just one of these teeth places. Open wounds on face. Must have a bandage. Yeah. Pimples must be covered with bandage. Scars covered. Shirts buttoned. Yes. Cuts on hand. Shoes on. Must have gloves.

Nails must be clean. Teeth must be in. So there's nine, and you're saying, we're doing this because we are changing the face of the buffet. We are trying to up sales. You're the buffet. And so part of it, you're not just saying, hey, everybody, put your teeth in. You're making 12 weird rules. But all of those are about, if you're presenting roast beef to somebody, the person serving it's got to look a little delicious. Yes.

The marriage to the roast beef and what you just said is amazing, obviously. Am I wrong? No, you're not wrong. Tammy, why do you, what are we calling her again? Why do you think in your heart of hearts, Grace isn't, you guys picked Grace for this?

I don't want to, we don't want to get into the process of how we landed on grace. Grace. We don't want to get into that. I tried to make it or something. I didn't let for the first Jake, you weren't here. I agree. I wanted to feel the power. And I, and I thought I'm just going to name. And I said, grace, grace, like to have grace.

Look, I picture, I was, this is before we knew it. First of all, we're not going to get hung up. It was too early. Berg, Berg. It was early. And I didn't know her age. I was picturing a seven-year-old. I would have made her Julia. I agree. No doubt. You should have let the big gun choose the name. Oh, by the way, he insisted I introduce him. He insisted I introduce him as the big gun and the Norwegian nightmare. Yeah. Pretty good, right? I like the big gun. I like the big gun. You got a new nickname. Thank you.

So, hey, Tammy, what's your guess of why Grace or Julia isn't wearing these dentures? You think it's financial?

It could be. Before she stopped wearing them all together, there were some days she'd start the day off with them and then she'd take them out. They might be uncomfortable. It's uncomfortable. She's quitting. This is changing it for me. Because look, if it doesn't fit well in the mouth, if she doesn't have the money, I mean, there is also a world we could create a GoFundMe.

I would pitch in. I would too. A gum fund me. A gum fund. Our audience really quickly with us throwing it. We can get this Julia some very comfy gum. We can pimp the mouth. I agree. Tammy, will you talk for a little bit because Big Gun, the Garf Man, and Mr. Taco Bell have been talking a lot? Just knowing how...

how she responds to positive feedback. I think the compliment is a much...

easier and safer route to go and to start, you know, digging into maybe why she stopped wearing them. How are you? Yeah. So Tammy, you're Tammy. Steve, you are Grace. Perfect. Gareth, of course, you're somebody who works in the food court. I'll just be a person who's wrapping. Jake, I just like to come in for a minute. You know what I mean? Okay. So I'm going to be, okay. Shall we start? Can we get an action? Tammy, you know what you're doing here, right?

Don't say it would go something like this when I say action. You're talking to Grace. We'll just start. All right, I'll bring more sausages out in five minutes.

Excuse me, miss. I am a person who stays at a hotel. I stay in a lot of hotels. Is there an area... Where are the pancakes and where is the syrup? Okay, the pancakes are right over there and the self-made do-it-yourself waffles are right over there. But be careful with the waffle iron because if you leave it too shut, it's going to burn the waffles. And I'm going to walk away and not be back. You'll be back. Maybe. Hey, Tammy, how are you doing? Did you have a good weekend? Yeah, I had a great weekend. How was your weekend? Boring.

Didn't do much. I watched the Phillies game. Worked on my macrame. I bought the MLB package, so I feel like I got to get the most out of it. Hey, I found the waffles. Miss, if you could lock it up and let her talk a little bit, I'll be over here. You know how it feels, Garrett? Yeah, yeah.

Welcome to my job on this show. A new path of empathy has opened up inside of me. I'm going to go get the syrup. Enjoy this. I'm glad you took ayahuasca, buddy. Grace, something on your mind? You're looking at me. I'm sorry, Tammy. I don't know how to get to that point where I'm just already complimenting her. I know, because they made it really hard, Tammy. So, Tammy, Tammy, Tammy, we're going to start over and you're going to start.

And your intention here is to find a way. And your whole goal of this is you have to compliment when she had dentures in. Correct? Because we're not starting with them. So just try and see what happens. And if it goes shitty, then we'll try again. This is a fucking workspace. Yeah. I'm going to try a new character too. So this will be fun. But we're going to start on action with Tammy talking. Yeah. Big gun. Yeah. Got it. Got it. Got it. Copy. Copy that. And quiet on set.

And action. Waffles. Cut that. Oh, great. Hey, Tammy. I really have no idea how to get it in there. So let's do this. Gareth, you're Tammy. Okay, here we go. Steve, you're Grace. I don't even need to warm up. Great, great, great. And we still rolling? Yeah, action. Tammy, get that five bucks you owe me.

Uh, yeah, I do. I'll, uh, I'll get it to you in a little bit. I don't even remember why I owed you that. And I kind of don't even want to know. Um, Hey, I just wanted to ask you something real quick. And this is truly, if I'm being invasive, tell me this is a personal question, whatever. Um, you've stopped, you stopped wearing your dentures, right? Yeah. They're uncomfortable. It's just causing too much irritation in my gums.

Oh, so that's why leading up to you not wearing them at all. Well, here's my only thing, and I really like... You still have them, and they're still intact and everything? Yeah, I need to clean them. Just because you're a human as well, but...

You should do that with everything you own, Chris. Yeah, just kind of, you know, sanitizing is great. But I was just going to say or suggest maybe when the buffet is really going, it might be nice if you just warm in. It just kind of gives an appearance that's a little more sanitary, which I think is maybe just helpful for the job you have.

I really, I'm not trying to be like a mean boss or anything. I just think it does help the general aesthetic of the area. Can I jump in and try one? I'm not loving this. Wow. No, but I think it's, I'm just not liking what's going to happen between Tammy and Grace in that. Go, go. Okay. Now give me an action when you're ready, Gareth. All right, still rolling. Quiet. Ted. Action. Hey, Grace, can I have a word? Sure, yeah. Let me just put down the sausage carafe.

Okay. Yeah, I'm good. Okay. Question that's kind of personal. My mother is having teeth issues, and I remember you used to have dentures. Yeah, I still have them.

Oh, why don't you wear them? Because I'm trying to get her to get hers, but she says she won't wear them. But it's this whole thing, and you're the only... I hope this isn't uncomfortable, but you're the only person I know who has them. And when you had them, they looked so good. I thought they were real. Thank you. Thank you. Well, I mean, honestly, they just cause irritation. And, you know, I'll wear them if I'm getting gussied up or going out to the casino to play some slots. Mm-hmm.

But I just feel like at work, you know, I'm on my feet, I'm working hard, I'm sweating, I'm carrying big trays of food. I just, you know, I need one less irritation. Do you know the goal of this, Steve? Yeah. Yeah.

What's the goal of what we're doing here, Steve? To be honest and try to role play as accurately. Not to create a character that's impossible. Okay. I'll let a softer grace just pick it up in the middle. Let's pick it up in the middle. No, you've been fired. I've got to get back to the casino and get all guffied up. I'll never wear those because they hurt my teeth. Alan lost a finger. So, Tammy.

When you hear something like that as a way to go in of, well, when you wore them, they looked so good. So I was thinking of my mom or the idea of, uh, is there a chance you could wear them back to work because it's more presentable? What are you thinking in that zone? Um, yeah, I really liked where you were going with the mom thing. Okay. So Tammy, let's do this for a second. Let's you and me play your Tammy. I'm grace.

Okay. And who is Grace? Give me a little bit of info on her because all I'm hearing is she's not. Does she get gussied up to go to the casino and hold a bunch of weird sausages? Guarantee it. Does she have a carafe of sausages? Who is Grace? I mean, she's 40, so she's a little bit younger than Gareth, but what else do we know about her? First of all, 40s. Okay, keep going. What?

Um... Like, what? She's pretty quirky. Quirky, okay. Yeah. I don't want to hear any more. I want to get recast. Wait, but real quick. Yeah, real quick. Tammy, how close was Steve's Tammy? Um...

Not very close. Okay, great. You know what? I have a new idea, Tammy. And I need you. I need you. Sometimes when people call in, you need to help us help you. Okay? Yeah. Tammy. Okay. So we have steamrolled and that's just part of it. And I'm sorry. But now, Tammy, we can't be insecure. I'm not sure, Tammy. It's time for you to grab the goddamn reins. Okay? So, Tammy, you're Tammy and you're Grace. And you can do it.

So let's start on action. You are both go. I'm both? Tammy, stop asking the question. Well, you didn't say action. You said on action. Then you said go. So you're both. I want to hear what happens when you compliment Grace. Do your best version of Grace and see what happens. Okay. Step into the goddamn magic, Tammy, because you can do it on action. I don't want any more questions. And I know that if you go, did you mean this? You're just stalling. And action.

Well, hey, Grace. My mom's been having some dental issues, and it looks like she might be looking into some dentures. Now, I know that yours look really great when you wear them. Is there a reason why you're not wearing them now? Change your voice for Grace and keep going. Don't think about it. Just go. Okay.

Stop thinking, just start talking as Grace. Go ahead. Yeah, I just stopped wearing them because they're uncomfortable. Steve was right, unfortunately. I know that you look really great when you wear them. Maybe you can try to tough it out while we're at work?

I'm going to jump in. Tammy, are you going to be able to actually do this? I might. Okay. Like if I can prepare, then I can do it. It's just being put on the spot. Let me just say this, Gareth, unless you've got, yeah, because Tammy, we can get you there, but then here's my question to you. And this is just where I feel bad. If Grace's teeth are hurting her gums,

Yeah. Let's not force her to wear that. No, I don't think, I think all of this is an attempt to get them back in. There's a couple roadblocks. I agree. I think are fair. Yeah. If they hurt, if she lost them and can't afford them. I mean, you know, simply why aren't you wearing them? I don't know. Yeah. Tammy, let me ask you a question. Just cause this one's given me a stomach ache. Who gives a rat's ass of grace to have any teeth.

Does it bother anyone else at the hotel? But Tammy, what's this about? So Grace doesn't have her dentures in. What is she gumming on the meat before she serves it? Who cares? It does bother our other coworkers. Oh, it does. Why does it bother them? It bothers them because it's kind of, it's weird. It's distracting, but you're not wrong. You know what?

Life's unique. All the different flavors are what make us beautiful. Hold on. Let's not United Colors of Benetton this too much. What I think Jake is saying, which is true.

Is the issue with this, is it affecting the place you're managing? She's not spitting on the food. She doesn't have teeth. Is there a difference between a guest experience, whether she has her teeth in or not? Or are these travelers who are just trying to have some weird omwiches and a couple sausage links and get out? I'm going to be perfectly honest, Tammy.

If I went on booking.com, see what I did there? Booking.com. Perfect. You're really in the zone today. Thanks. And I went to the buffet, and some lady turned to me and goes, want some quench toast? And it didn't have any teeth. There's not one part of me that's grossed out of anything I'm saying. You want to sit down at my table and also want to be in my next indie movie with me? Liar.

My last part, baby. I believe that. Last part, baby. You got a headshot? You just want to be in the podcast? Got any dental x-rays? Yeah. So there's also thought of... I agree with you there, too. So Tammy...

The issue is your coworkers and you, or is it complaints from the people? And I only say this because. She doesn't like it. That's it. So you, Tammy, you personally. Tammy doesn't like it. She's just like, if you had fucking teeth, put them in. So this is what we're getting to the bottom of because you can't like, there's been a hard pitch because it's a tricky problem. Tammy at the core of this, and don't worry about being liked or not liked. We can't live in that zone. We got to live in being honest. Is the reason you're calling into a podcast is because you don't like seeing her gums.

I really do think about like the guest experience and maybe she hasn't gotten any like formal complaints or comments about it, but it does kind of reflect on everybody. And, you know, it's a very customer facing thing. Okay, then let's do this. Let's do this. What's your new position? Manager? Yeah. Send her an email.

Hey, as new manager, I just think if you're going to continue to be so front of the house, which I would like you to be because I think you're great at your job, I would respectfully ask you to put your dentures in.

Um, it is nothing personal besides, I think it's a better experience. I've seen you with and without, and you look so much better. If there is a reason for you not wearing them, if it is financial or they have, they hurt your teeth, please let me know. But this is, uh, a business decision, not a personal decision. And I just want to make you feel comfortable with this as well.

But if it is as simple as putting them in or not putting them, the equivalent of zipping up your pants or not, I'm asking you to zip it up so I don't see the hog. The tongue being the hog in this example. I think that's the cleanest. Stop talking. Okay, so the pitch is...

You write an email and you just say, look, as I watch the experience of the guests, which is really what I'm hovering over here, I do think the version of you where you had your dentures in is more inviting to people, which is really in the hospitality business exactly what we're trying to do. As I'm trying to do my job best, I have to ask you, is there a reason you don't have your dentures in?

She and you, you know, I, is it a medical thing? Is it an economic thing? What's the justification? Because if I have my druthers, I would love for you to have them in. I just think it's a little more pleasing to the guest experience.

If she comes back at you and says they hurt, it's economic, we can have a follow-up where we try to solve that problem on your behalf. But this is just email is kind of a little more fact-finding as well as maybe it solves the issue. It's also not humiliating. It's also not uncomfortable. Because if you approach somebody about their appearance in person, that could not make her feel very good. I think the email is by far the cleanest. So, Tammy, where are you at? What are you thinking here?

Yeah, the email is a great idea. But are you going to actually do it? Yeah, I can do that. Okay, why don't you open up really fast. Steve? Yeah. Tammy, do you have something to write with? Or Nat Attack, could you be the person? Stenographer. Stenographer? Yeah. So, Steve, really quickly, we want a short email conveying the situation. Yeah. Go.

Hey, Grace. Just checking in. So we were wondering if... I think saying we too is good. So you're spreading the blame. Steve's stenographer. Oh, sorry. She's writing down everything. This is like talk to text. So let's lock it up. Let's start over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's start over. Action. Hey, G. So we were thinking that... We were just curious...

Where did the dentures go? Nope. Okay. Jake, may I? I mean, this is insane. Why is it quick though, Gareth? Yeah, yeah. All right. Hey, Grace. I just wanted to drop a line as I'm trying to get full grasp of my new role here at the hotel. Pause for Nat Attack. I love full grasp. That was great. Nat, give us a... Okay. I really appreciate everything you do and think you're great at your job. Pause. Nat Attack.

Go ahead. Go ahead. The only thing I'm struggling with a little bit right now when it comes to the guest experience and your role. You're taking a pause or you're thinking? I'm letting that right there. Gareth, you just do you. I'll stop you when it's time. Okay, all right, okay. Your pauses felt dramatic? Well, to some extent, okay. They're not all ellipses. Yeah, okay. I know at one point you were wearing your dentures. Pause.

Okay. Go ahead. And recently you've stopped. I think it is better when greeting the guests. Uh-huh. Go ahead. If you have your dentures in. Pause. Go ahead. I just think it's more inviting and I'm hoping. Pause. My pause pics were way better. Your pause pics were better. I'm hoping that you can put them back in if that works for you. This is so insane.

The pause power. The pause power. It's like a wizard with a staff. If there is a reason why you can't. Four words. Frenet attack. If there's a reason why you can't, please let me know and I'm willing to have that conversation. Okay, Tammy, that sounded great to me. What do you feel about that when you just hear it? Are you going to actually send that email? Yes, I can. 100% you're sending it?

Yeah, I can do that. Now to talk, can you read it back with no emotion as fast as you can as if you were in a courtroom?

That's a lot to ask. Okay. Hey, Grace, just wanted to drop a line as I'm trying to get a full grasp of my role in the hotel. I really appreciate everything you do and I think you're great at your job. The only thing I'm struggling with a little bit right now when it comes to the guest experience and your role is your appearance when you're greeting them for the buffet. I know at one point you were wearing your dentures and recently you've stopped. I think it's better when greeting the guests if you have your dentures in. I just think it's more inviting and I'm hoping that you can put them back in if that works for you. If there is a reason why you can't, please let me know and I'm willing to have that conversation.

First of all, Nat Attack, excellent job. Great job. Excellent job. Can I do Steve's really quick? Yes. Hey, G. We were just curious. Where did the potentials come from? There's something to that brevity. Tammy, we'll send you this email. Will you follow up with us? Yes, I will. Thank you. Goodbye, everybody. Keep your head up, Tammy. It's going to work.

Okay. Thanks, Stevie. Says the author of the weirdest email. Hey, G, where are your dentures? Hey, G, where are your dentures? Hey, girl. Tam. Tam. Steve, thank you for joining us. That was epic. I gotta go. I'll tell the Canadians who said hi. Great to meet you. I appreciate it. Bye, everybody. Bye, guys. This episode is brought to you by...

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Caller. Yeah. Hi there. Hi. Hey, how's it going? Good. Good. How are you guys? Great. Welcome to the show. Can we get your name? Sure. Yeah. My name's Jeff. Jeffy. Yeah. Jeffrey from Chicago. Oh, great. Jeff, where in Chicago, bud? Right now I'm in the Loop, downtown. And where are you from? You're in the Chicagoland area. You're from the city. Where are you at in there?

Uh, I lived in the city for a little while, but I'm originally from the burbs, which are the North of suburbs. Which one? Uh, right near Schaumburg. What's it called? I know Schaumburg. We used to play Schaumburg as kids in the sports improv out there. They do. They call it the Chicago improv and it's in Schaumburg. How about that? Is that where you go when you're in Chicago? No, not really anymore. I go to the den. Cool. Uh, so Jeff, Chicago, you're a Cubs fan, Sox fan.

Bears fan. Definitely Cubs fan. Bears fan. Bulls fan. I got to tell you, I think PCA has it. Okay, Jeff. Jeff, I will be roughly Jeff. Can we just get a rough age so we can think about that?

Thought I was going to laugh. Oh, yeah. A little bit over 40. A little bit over 40. Same here, my man. Just a little under. Jeff, Chicago, a little under 40. What can we do for you today, buddy? How much makeup are you wearing, Jeff? Jeff, you got any makeup on? Just a little base, a little powder. Nothing wrong with that. Nobody likes a sweaty guy. Jeff, what can we do? How hard is it to paint your beard? Because mine's tricky. It's not easy. People can tell. You got to shake it out like dandruff. Jeff, what's going on? What can we help you with today, bud?

All right. So I appreciate you guys taking the time. So I work in a normal building. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I work in a normal building here. Okay. And so, you know, a couple of years ago, COVID, things like that, we all started coming back into the office more often. And, you know, it's a nice building. It had been redone. But what's funny is this is kind of a weird thing.

I'll just describe it, but it came to mind because I was listening to the Max Greenfield episode you had a couple weeks ago. The Rear Race. Yeah, exactly. And that was the first time you heard it. It was, yeah. Wasn't that interesting to the haters? Thank you so much, Jeffy. Go ahead. Thanks, Jeff. Go ahead, Ben. So we've got a bathroom here, a men's bathroom that is –

essentially a trough gross it's kind of weird I know where it's set up they used to have them at Wrigley yep exactly and so it's this it's the men's room on our floor really quickly I gotta interrupt Jeff Jeff I gotta interrupt for a second uh just to tell Gareth a quick story when I was growing up we used to go to Wrigley Field and there was a big trough and everyone would take peas in there and my friend Jack Frankie in seventh or eighth grade goes

You know what I love doing at Wrigley Field? And I go, Eddie goes, when you're just at the trough, you looked out, you just see all the whoppers. Go ahead, Jeff.

Well, that's really it. It's not something you should have to do here. Disgusting. No, no, no. You should not see a co-worker's whopper. It's a bar. At best, it's in a bar. In the UK, they're pretty much trough only. Is that true? Yeah. So pubs are all troughs?

I would say most. At least they were as of fairly recently. They're not big divider people. You just get in there and it's just slop time. Gross way of putting it. You're welcome. But accurate. So, okay, I think we obviously understand the trough, the no divider. But Jeff, at a place of business? It's weird.

- Yep, agreed. - You said it's a regular old office building, so in the loop of Chicago? Is it a modern looking building? Or is it a 200 year old shack?

No, it's pretty modern. Yeah. What the fuck? And it's like, how many people can piss at once? It's like a bunch of horse lining up for a... Yeah, that's the advantage to the trough. It's a numbers game. You can just squeeze a bunch of whoppers in there at once. Yeah, excuse me. Spray all over each other's slacks. Yeah, yeah. Hold your buddies. Doesn't matter. There's no, there are no rules. Agreed. So, Jeff, I think we definitely understand the trough issues. What is the direct problem you're looking for help on today?

So the thing is, I think the right people here don't know. And I think someone would come in here and say right away, this is absurd. You know, this is awkward. Why would you have this? But I don't know the right way to bring it up. I'm a little confused on that. Hierarchy wise, how are the right people not using that bathroom? Yeah, I hear you. What do you mean exactly?

Yeah, I guess maybe that's a good point. No, but Jeff, you're okay. Yeah, I guess the hierarchy does use it, but I don't know that they care enough. Maybe it's that, but it's also, you know, the people that you would go to, that you would have to describe this problem to, it's like they're not, most of them,

I don't, well, I just don't feel comfortable, you know? I get you. Because then... Yeah, Jeff, I get it. You're in a tough spot because you're also then dealing with real estate issues. You're dealing with moving. If they're going to change the trough, that might be new plumbing. Because the beauty of a trough is it's one big bucket, but it's one pipe into the ground. If you go to urinals, you got to just cut into that concrete more. And that's going to be expensive. And then how many floors is your building? Over 25? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And just to be, just to clarify though, it is, it is two urinals, but they're actually back to back. Like they're six inches apart. You know what we're going to need from you next time is a photo of this.

So, yeah, I asked for a photo and we don't have one, but we do have a diagram. So I can share that. Yeah, let's see that. And then we'll put that on our IG and the website. But I like this detail. Trough, you're right. Urinal, ashtray. Ashtray is so old. I know exactly what you're talking about. Oh, yeah. Okay, so you're facing each other. No, no, no, it's...

Basically, there's no divider. The issue is there's no divider, basically, right, Jeff? Exactly. There's no divider. A better problem to solve, I think. So where are Gareth and this? So basically what we have here, you've got an empty wall that says four feet deep.

for people who only like to listen. Then you've got a yellow box that says urinal two feet. Then in between it says ashtray one foot, another urinal two feet. On the other side, empty wall space four feet. So if you're looking at this thing, are you standing both where the two feet are and you're both facing the same direction? So you're meant to be pissing facing the same way while ashing in an ashtray right in between.

Exactly. You can't break eye contact with the wall because otherwise it just gets weird. Is there a mirror there? No. Thank God, no. Just like a tile wall.

Yeah. You know, the issue is that you can see. Someone can look. It's just you don't have the privacy. I mean, this has been a problem with urinals forever. But here's the other issue. There's no way they're going to remodel these bathrooms. So we need to, Jeff...

Talk to you about the specific question so that we could help because there is with an old school bathroom like this, you're talking an ashtray. Of course, it's an old building. You can't smoke inside anymore. So back in the day, when you let your whopper out of its wrapper, you would rip a cig.

I mean, by the way. I used to smoke cigarettes while pissing. Oh, this harkens back to quite an era. I mean, in our lifetimes, you could smoke a cigarette while taking a piss. And we did it. I used to go to a boys club in Winneka called The Yo, and part of it was, I'd have a marble right in my mouth while taking a piss inside. Now, let me ask you about this. Do you remember the ice in the urinal days? Of course, they're still there. It takes away the smell.

Is that what it is? Yeah, you want to know how I know that? Because for the dink, we were doing a scout into country clubs, and there was a scene where we were going to be in the bathroom, and I talked to one of the guys who runs one of the country clubs, and I go, why the ice? And he goes, smell and splashage. Yeah, the technology has advanced, but I don't hate it. You think ice is an advancement in technology? No, I think we've got those little splash dividers now. Yeah, I think we've moved through it. We have.

Um, but okay. I mean, look, there's a couple options, Jake, you tell me where you're at, but I think one option is lobbying for a divider. I think the way you would do that is anonymously. But how would you even get a divider, Gareth? I think you would, I think we'd have to do some kind of sign. I think we would need to do some sort of signage or something like that. It's not my favorite version because I have another pitch. Cause I got a pitch that's pretty easy. What do you got?

An anonymous note taped up on the wall. Stop looking at each other's whoppers. It's weird. I like that. Something like that, I was thinking. But here's the thing. Someone's looking at whoppers in here and everyone knows it. And here's why, Gareth. Hold on. Let me finish. Let me finish. Here's why.

'cause then everyone's gonna go, I don't wanna be the guy looking at Whoppers. I look straight ahead. And if I'm that guy who even thought to look at the ashtray, I will not be the guy who looks at Whoppers. Gareth, you're up.

Well, I'm not even pushing. I love your pitch. Thank you. I just think we're getting very casual with the term whoppers. You heard it when you were a kid. It imprinted on you. But now you're really tossing it around like it's just like a normal thing to put on a letter in a building of work.

So I like the idea, but I'm going to need to pull the whopper bone away from you. No way. Okay. So you're... Hold on. Quickly to Jeff. Can we go to Jeff for a second? I just want to... I just... Can I be clear with you? You are... Your pitch lives and dies... No. ...with the whopper. But I would like to start there and see if we can live there. Jeff, are you okay with the term whopper for penis? Yeah, it's fine. Yeah. Are you excited about it? Lukewarm on it? Jake, quit pushing.

Jeffy? It's probably better than anything else that comes to mind. What are you going to put? Hog? Member? Member? Hog? Member? Genitals? Wopper? Ear? Gear comes to mind. Gear? Yeah. Yeah. Confusing. But I like Wopper better. Okay, so can we all... You see who's endorsing your pitch? The guy who wants to call it ear or gear. Can we all... So we're going to live with Wopper. Do you like the idea, Jeff, of a sign? Yeah, I do, because anonymous is...

what you'd like to do, but it's hard to do that. - No, it isn't. There's no cameras in a bathroom. - You're still doing it anonymously. - Yeah, the sign is totally anonymous. It was always hard to think of a way to let people know anonymously. - Here's what you gotta do. You put a sign up there and then put it up every couple days if it gets taken down and then start going, "Hey, you see that sign in the bathroom?

Because what we got to do is we got to get chatter. We need everybody who takes their whoppers out of the wrappers to know there's a guy looking at whoppers. And I'll tell you what you don't want to be. We have 18 titles being rattled off right now. What you do not want to be on planet Earth is a guy looking at another guy's whoppers when it's uninvited. Whoppers? How many does this guy have? Gareth, I don't know because I didn't look.

It's just whoppers out of the wrappers. As long as Jeff's down, you guys can keep doing this sort of weird Chicago whopper land. That's fine. Um, what do they call the Milwaukee's vaginas? All right. Okay. So, and Jeff, I like the pitch. I like the pitch. Um,

And I think it could be the follow-up to my pitch, which is you can do that. You can tell the boys to, you know, we've got new rules. Welcome to West Point. Eyes ahead. Whatever. Or we can distract them. Clear eyes, full heart. We can distract them with something else. Can't lose. Please stop.

You could distract them with something else. What you could do is twice a week, you could get the sports page from the paper, since your building is already living in the 80s, and tape the sports page up on the wall in front of the urinal. So instead of telling them to not look at the- That's old school bar, by the way. Whoppers. They used to do this. Yeah, they frame. I love that too. You could tape it up there. They're not going to have any interest in the Whoppers. I got a pitch on that pitch. Go.

Get a photo of a whopper, a dick, put it up there and say, look at this one, stop looking at mine. Or get one of like a chimpanzee's dick and go, that's a chimp's dick, stop staring at mine. You want to look at a whopper so bad? Look here, stop looking over at mine, you weirdo. All right, well, Jeff, look. What about the duck? Maybe a duck? A duck's dick! Oh my God, let's do Mateo's dick! Sherlock. Hey, Sherlock. What we could say is...

Did you, here's what we could do. Off of that, we could start just having you print up interesting facts twice a week and tape those in front of the urinal. - I love it, way too much work. - I agree. We could start, we could just start with the duct tape. - Sherlock, I think nailed it. Jeff, what about this?

We send you an image. You get it printed out. Get a couple of them printed out of Mateo the duck's dick. Then put that above the ashtray on the wall so it's in between but high up so you have to look up and go, look at Mateo's dick, not each other's. Oof, pretty good.

Mateo is the guy Gandalf's the duck, just so he doesn't get upset. No, I meant take a picture of the guy's dick. We need to get a Mateo dick pic for this pitch to work. I've got some. His whopper. I've got some. Okay, Sherlock, don't push too far because Jake has Mateo cock pics. So let's do look at Gandalf's dick, not each other's. Bathroom rule. If you must look at a whopper, look at the duck's whopper.

Not each other's. This is a great sign. This goes for every bathroom. For everybody who's listening, who has an establishment that has bathrooms in it, you know how they say, like, please don't only flush toilet paper? Get these laminated. Don't look at each other's whoppers. Look at the duck's whopper. That's why the duck made them so big. I love them. They made them for humans' eyes. I love it. That's why they look like a corkscrew. All right, buddy. Why don't we start...

With something about, like, we can shame the fact that there's no divider. So maybe that at some point kind of nudges anyone with power to pay the $40 to have a fucking piece of wall screwed in between these two things. Because it's, so is the ashtray part of the wall or is it just a blank spot? It's higher up, isn't it?

I think it's part... I think it's easy to get out. Oh, you do? Yeah. You could... Look, it's an ashtray. I mean, who's... I thought it might be one of those Art Deco ones.

No, it's kind of one of those ones where you hit the button and it kind of like trap doors open and your butts go in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So maybe we start off with, since the building won't give us a urinal divider, look at this picture of Gandalf's dick, maybe in parentheses, a duck, instead of each other's whoppers.

I think we can even go a little bit quicker. Jeff, are you liking this idea? Are you going to do it? Yeah, I like the idea of the picture, the sports page. It's super easy. I think that it's not something you would expect to see in an office bathroom, like the picture of the doc. And so if...

You know, it's nice to, it's a good option. I think that would call attention to it. And so I kind of like it, you know, I think it, uh, What's your gut saying to start with? You want to start with a sports page, see if it fixes the problem. And we know we got the duck stick after. Well, that's the thing. Do you go hard to start or soft to start? Gandalf does. Do you start with it?

He goes soft to hard. Look, Jake's in Whopper land, so don't throw me to Whopper boy. And Jeffrey, for a couple guys in Chicago, we go hard to hard. In Milwaukee, they go soft to soft. What do we even do? Do you know what you're talking about right now? Whoppers.

Okay, Jeff, I think what we're saying, honestly, if we were to pick out of our pitches, we would start with the Gandalf dick and a sign. I agree. Because it's just kind of a bold move, and it actually, per Jake's pitch, calls attention to the problem a little bit. So it's kind of clear. But then what we're pitching on that is how wordy do we want it? Yes. Do we want the divide? Because I like a really short and simple pitch.

Gareth likes more of a little bit longer, but both work. Well, what I like about the longer is that you're sort of saying it gets the conversation. You're putting the call to action in there a little bit. I think that's smart. But then, Jeff. But we don't have to. But here's the point, Jeff. It doesn't matter what Gareth and I like. We're just a couple of guys from Milwaukee and Chicago who have whoppers that we keep in our wrappers. Big ones. Sorry. I'm sorry. Has anybody ever told you you have a big whopper?

I have. I've told myself I have. Has a partner ever said to you, you're a great guy, I'm having fun doing this with you. The issue is you have a big whopper. How about this? Here's what I've never heard. Whoa. Thanks for the call, Jeff. So Jeff, the real question is, what do you want to do? I think the sign. I think the sign with the picture. And then I was...

Yeah, and I'm trying to think of a way to get people kind of a call to action. Okay, so a call to action to put up a divider. So you like Gareth's kind of if-then statement on it. If you won't put up a divider, then look at a Dick's duck instead of mine. How about this? Your pitch is...

Instead of this, your wording was something along the lines, Jake, of instead of looking at each other's whopper, or look at this picture of Gandalf, the duck's dick, instead of looking at each other's whopper. Something like that, right? But I think that you gotta go whopper, whopper. Okay, so we do two whoppers. Then let's show the picture of...

of the Gandalf duck dick. Yeah. And under it, let's hashtag put up a divider. Yes, here's what I would say on that. I love the underneath, but I don't think we need hashtag because it's not going on Instagram. It's just in a bathroom. It's how the kids talk. You're not wrong. But what I would say then, if you must look at someone else's whopper,

Look at the duck swapper, not each other's. Underneath, please put up a divider. I think we got it. What do you think of that, Jeff? I think that's it. I think that's the winner. Okay, so Jeff, here's what we're going to assign you with because we're in a new era and what we're finding is

The callers are pretty goddamn funny and pretty creative. We got something cooking with Steve Berg behind the scenes. So we're going to ask you to make that sign. And the reveal is going to be when you send the photo with it up. But I don't want us to see how you did it until the audience sees it too. And we'll post that on our Instagram, on our website.

Hey, really quick, not a tech. What's going on with the guy who's putting all the images per call? You know where we're at with that? We're very slowly doing it, but they are going to be back up online. KiernaHelpPod.com, caller images. So for every episode, any caller image that ever, that from season one on. Yeah. If you listen to it. I love it.

Yeah, so right now it's season two episodes and we're working our way backwards to season one. Perfect. I love it. Thank you. So should we maybe send Jeff the image of the Gandalf dong? Yeah. The whopper? Yeah. And let's start there. So we'll send you the picture of the duck dick that'll work for the sign, Jeff, and then you make the sign off of what we just said. And then do us a favor and take a photo of it in the bathroom. Yes. All right. How do you feel about that?

Yeah, anything will help. And then here's what's also going to help, Jeff.

after it's up and do not do it right away. Imagine you're playing a game like survivor or the challenge. You're trying to get somebody else to bring it up to you first so that they can be the one who first notices, but you're trying to spread the word to go like, somebody goes, you see that sign and go like, what, yeah, what is that about? And then what you want is everybody's talking about this whopper nonsense and

So people are going, who's looking at Whoppers? And you go, I don't know, but everybody's looking at fucking Whoppers in this building. And then you go, honestly, I don't feel comfortable. That's why I don't even piss in there. You don't know. Why? Because I don't want some guy looking at my Whopper. And they go, I agree. And it's nothing to do with the size of my Whopper. I got a fine Whopper. No girl's ever said to me after, whoa. Thanks for the call, Jeff. Take care. Bye. Hello.

Hi. Hi, welcome back. We're aware you're a follow-up. We're excited to find out who you are and what your follow-up is. Let me point out, you have Jake, you have Gareth. Did you happen to listen to the last episode of the show, Perchance? With Justin Long. Not yet. I didn't get a chance yet. Well, I'm going to just cliff note this briefly. I just met this individual, so it shouldn't be that strange.

Most people would be starstruck, or should I say stonestruck, but we have the great stone. He's a guy. He likes feet. It's not a fetish. It's not a fetish. It's an appreciation. Boobs are the sauce. It's an appreciation. You'll understand soon enough. Also, you have to know he does not have a foot fetish. Not at all. I think that's an ugly word, but he does have an appreciation. Not at all, but sometimes when he's in the heat of battle, if you know what we're saying, feet will just pop over. Feet will pop in. But he also finds elbows...

Yeah, but he also thinks elbows are gross. So can we get your name, please? This is Tammy, the breakfast manager. Tammy. Okay. Yeah. Keep going, Texas breakfast manager. Uh-huh. And one of my employees stopped wearing her dentures. Yep. Oh, yes. Now, Stone, are you familiar with this first call? No.

I'm not, no. Jesus Christ. I would love for our callers to listen to the goddamn show that they're a part of. This call hasn't aired yet. So Jesse, thank you for jumping in.

thank you for jumping in jesse and let's all three two one and we're back um of course stone see the reason you haven't heard uh this call is because it hadn't aired yet so um the problem was basically together so basically the problem tammy had was she is a manager at a hotel uh well hold on let's let's let tammy sure absolutely so tammy will you explain what the problem was will you explain what we pitched and will you explain what we did

Sure. So, yeah, I have an employee that before I got promoted, stopped wearing her dentures. So now that I'm in a position to do or say something, I wasn't really sure how to go about it.

So a couple of things were pitched. We decided to go maybe an email. Before I say that, Tammy, Stone, do you understand the setup on this one? Oh, yeah. What would you pitch here? I'm going to be honest. Speaking from the heart, I would definitely tell her to put her teeth back in because I don't think –

It's helping anyone that she doesn't have teeth on the job. Jake, teeth are the sauce. Okay. So we were similar on that. Tammy, what did we pitch? We had two different email options. Gareth's was really nicely worded and sounded great. Steve Berg's pitch was a little more direct.

And that's kind of the route I went. So did you sent an email? Will you read the email you sent? Um, well actually I texted it because we were already texting about work stuff. And we've got a screenshot of it if we want to say. Okay, great. Evidence proof. Yeah. So, um, I asked her, you know, if it was okay if I, um,

you know i asked her a personal question she could tell me it was none of my business don't read ahead don't read ahead tammy just explained to us what happened so you said will you read it to us what was the first thing you texted yeah i asked if i could ask a personal question and i've copied and pasted um exactly what steve put he said was we were wondering where the dentures go

That's what you said. Wait, hold on. You were watching me? We were wondering where did the dentures go? I can read her exact text if you want. Okay, hold on one sec. I need a little, we're getting a little chaotic here. Yeah, let me read her text. She says, hey, can I ask you a personal question? And absolutely, feel free to tell me it's none of my business and to piss off, lol.

Then she said, yeah, sure. Go for it. We were just curious. Where did the dentures go? Oh my God. Okay. And then what happened? Natalie, keep going. You're killing it. This is what I was dying for. I appreciate it. So then what happened, Natalie? Grace says, I keep forgetting them at home. Plus I hate eating with them in.

Okay, then what happened? I clean them at night, and when I finish them in the morning, I place them back in the container and take ruckus outside, and then they get forgotten. There's some days where lucky I remember to do my hair. Just saying. Okay.

Okay, that's what happened. Great response. Agreed. And then she says, okay, I was a little concerned that maybe something happened to them and was feeling bad in case you couldn't get them replaced. I'm glad it's all good. Great. And then Grace says, nope, just old people thinking kicking in already.

Laughing emojis, two of them. And that's the end of the conversation. That's positive. It's positive, but it's not, there's not a conclusion. But Tammy, is there a conclusion?

Yes. So I figured, you know, if she didn't continue to wear them, then it would be okay to bring it up because obviously she's okay talking about it. But I did hear over the weekend she had them in. Hey! This is a goddamn win. It's a win. Bell, bell, bell, bell. Stone, what do you think about all this? Where are you at here, babe?

Well, she sounds like a lovely woman, first off. Uh-oh, here we go. Yeah, I think just the reminder worked. That's amazing. You know where this is going. Yeah, Stone, we're not going to ask about her feet, though, right? Yeah, we're not going to get a picture of those feet now, buddy.

Natalie, can we send Steve the thing that the woman sent us? Cut out the name I just said. But the woman who Parmesan, the Parmesan. Can we just send that photo to someone from the original email? Because it's just feet in an office. Can we just get this guy hot and bothered for a second? We have such a database now. We may as well take advantage of it. Put this animal in the heat of battle. Microfiche it.

Yeah, sure. Eventually. Give him the codes. But so Tammy, she's wearing the teeth. Yeah, she did this weekend. So definitely a win. A win. Okay, great. This is awesome. And I think the way, I think going the Steve route was interesting because

But it really worked. You guys were jokey. It was nice. It did not seem... Gave me anxiety. But yes, it worked. I thought it would go sideways. So did I. It's a very direct... You know what I didn't love about it? We were wondering. Like a posse of gossipers. But Tammy, let me tell you...

You fucking pulled it off. You did. Because it was not mean spirited and you and her were laughing about it. So she knows I'm a little bit quirky. She's lucky I comb my hair, but she now knows my boss, who's a cool person, would prefer I do this. So I'm going to try my best. If she slips up every once in a while, I'm going to do it.

It's fine. Give her a little grace. Look, you give her a couple and then you go, hey. And on the third one, you could just go like, you could create a joke where you just go, teeth. Teeth.

I don't mind the hair, but it's the teeth I care about. And she'll go like, and she'll go, tomorrow is a guarantee. And you go, I can't wait. And then you can playfully go, do me a favor. If you forget the teeth, just go back a house, babe. Yeah. Teeth are in the front. Or go home and get them. Unless you have no teeth, back a house. Go home and grab them. Or just get in the back of the kitchen. Or get some work teeth. Right. Get some work teeth. Right.

I think it's great. This is a win, Tammy. I also think Ruckus is a phenomenal dog name. Me too. But it is a win. How do you feel? Are you feeling better, Tammy? I'm feeling relieved. You should. Thank you guys for the encouragement, for sure. Well, Tammy, you did it. No, we did it. Yeah, but also, Tammy hit a home run. And I got a question for you, Tammy, really fast.

When you're in the heat of battle sexually, do feet not attached to a body ever pop in your head and turn you on? We need the truth now. Never, huh? No. Now, if they did, would you think you had a foot fetish? Probably. Is that something that I'm thinking about? But no shame in that thought, though, if someone had it, right? If they popped in, would you go like, I got a thing for feet? Probably. And Tammy, do you think the word fetish is an ugly word?

No. Neither do I. Me either. Stone, do you think it's an ugly word?

It's becoming destigmatized by the minute. I love it. Tammy, thank you for the call. This was a huge win. We appreciate how you handled this woman with grace. You did not offend her. I think you absolutely won. May we also give the surrogate hit to Steve Berg, who's Sir No DeBerger Act. Steve's a winner on our show. Thank you so much, Tammy.

Thank you. Thanks, Tammy. Stone, you're the best, buddy. Thanks a bunch, Stone. I sent you an email for your enjoyment. Oh. Have a good afternoon, Stone. Wait, really fast. Why don't you open the email and let's get it in. And then can we see the photo as he sees it? Let me find it. And Stone, I want a real take on this. Oh, my God. Yeah, that's pretty good speed. I don't know.

I don't know. I think I just haven't explored it enough where I know what attracts me about a foot, I guess. Yeah, but when you're looking at it, what do you feel? Probably neutrality, honestly. Nothing. Okay, so those aren't your kind of feet. Now, if they were going to be better, what would be better about them?

I think it would help if I knew the person they were attached to. So they're not just floating. You know what the problem with these are? You're not seeing the toes. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. It's no toes. I think it's the toes. He hates elbows. It's an extension of his love. I think it's interesting. No, Garrett, he said they could just be floating through space. They are sometimes, but that's when he's with someone. But he needs toes. I think it's a toes thing. We all need toes. It's called toe gasming. It's fine. Stone, God bless.

Did you just end yourself with a toe gas? Thanks a bunch, Stone. We appreciate it. We got to go. That was the best joke of the show. Thanks, buddy. Take your waitresses. Thanks, everybody. Love you, buddy. Love you.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash heretohelppod to see our entire catalog.

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing, mix, and master by Chris Fowler. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostyke. Animations by Andrew Strzelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand-up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com. Remember, all of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

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