170: Occasional Blue Jays & Butt Grazing
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26. So Gareth, when you use Gemini, which we both use, what do you use it for and what do you like about it? There's sometimes like if there's a topic that I think I want to do stand up on or if there's sometimes like if I'm writing something for my other show, it's just like a way to kind of have something. It just gives you all the information and right away you go, oh, OK.

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And we are back.

And by the way, I gotta throw some heat at Nat Attack. Why? Because she's not here and we can attack. Good. That's the move.

How dare she? She asked us to do this, just the two of us, correct? Yes. She said, hey, could you guys do a little intro? Start at 8.30, I'll come out at 9. And you know what we said as goddamn pros? Of course we can. It's easy. We would love to. It's fun. But we've also brought up the fact that neither of us think about this until we get the email from her with the Zoom link. Isn't this all accurate? I'm just trying to be an attorney here. We just talked about it. Last session we talked about it. Literally just talked about it. And how you were saying...

Sometimes when you check the email, it's all last minute, right? Yeah. Every time I sign on to do this show, it's like someone walked into my place and said, do it now. There's a link. And then I freak out. And last second, it's like the house is on fire. Yeah. Get out. That's how I act. And you've made that very clear. And guess what? I relate to it. I mean, look at us. You look like you're a cop at a Grateful Dead show who's undercover trying to buy a dime bag. By the way, I am. That's who I am.

I'm rule book. You are. You have cop criminal energy. You know who I really am? Leonardo DiCaprio from The Departed. Wow, that is tough. That's real. That's it. When I watched that movie, I went like this. That's my life. That's my guy. Never related more, my man. What are you? Well, I'm not a gangster, but I'm with the gangsters, and I'm also going to stab you in the fucking neck because I'm all turned around. I can't sleep.

I'm Donnie Brasco. There's no character I've ever related to more than Johnny Depp. And you're a successful entertainer and you're living as Donnie Brasco. And then I go back to my wife and she's like, what's going on? I'm like, I'm going to backhand you because I'm in the mafia. By the way, Donnie Brasco, what a movie. What a movie. Pacino in that era. Oh, crushing. Johnny Depp too.

Just starting to peak. I'll tell you what, though. If you look at the way both of those men look now, actors don't age well. And this is what I've been saying. There's a point where you got to go, it's very cool to go this deep and live in another universe. Then there's a point you got to go, I can't be 84 years old with jet black hair and a newborn baby. And guess what? I can't be 65 with 42 necklaces. You know who has crushed it in that way is Nicholson.

Jack Nicholson basically was like, I'm out. I'm getting heavy. Like I saw him signing autographs. He's as big as a walrus eating hamburgers at Lakers Stadium. Like remember, we saw him on the balcony for the first time like two years ago. And everyone was like, oh my God. It was like, well, this is an 84-year-old man. But I saw him signing. Who lives on a boat. It's amazing. I saw him signing autographs on like a TMZ thing the other day. And so it was like, Jack, will you ever act again? And he was like, nope.

Yeah. "Uh, I'm acting to stay alive now. I'm acting like a walrus." "I'm pretending I'm human still." "I'm pretending I'm human and not a walrus. By the way, you're right." And then you look at Pacine and you'll see him walking down the street, a jet black wig on his hair, just going like, "Hoo-ah, gotta go one more." And you're like, "Hey, Al, it's over."

But also, it's the thing about actors I love and hate. It's a wonderful profession. We do cool stuff. But also, everybody's got to take it easy. Take a fucking breath. There are loopholes, though, Jake. Because Pacino's dating a 30-year-old. So he's definitely also, I completely agree.

Gross. What do you do? Like Belichick now and his girlfriend is like 25. It's like, bro, what are you doing? But also to pretend that, to pretend you have no inner thoughts about the disgustingness you're putting on top of this 25 year old.

Imagine just the little bit of ego you must have where you're like, God, she looks great getting out of the shower. And then she goes, get in bed. And you go, yeah. And then you go, she goes, take your shirt off. And you go, I swear to God, no. Dude, I would have the clapper. I'd be like, lights. Yeah, not only the clapper. I would have a glory hole in our bedroom. Oh, that's perfect.

With a belly carve out so that your gut can fit into it. All it does is my eyes and my dick going through it. So I'm like, let me see you. Batman. But I swear to God, it's just imagine I'm anything but this disgusting 80 year old mess. You have like a painting of a hot guy over the glory hole. Honest to God, honey, whatever you want. I want to see the real you.

Look at me. Look at me. It's disgusting. A green screened in Mark Wahlberg over just where your eyes pop in. There's not enough Viagra in the world to keep my own dick hard if I look like Bill Belichick.

It doesn't work, everything you know is true. Oh, I know. But okay, I'm going to say there's a loophole. And I think about him all the time. Men, because I think we're, women too, but men really, when they're pushing it. If you say Harry Styles with his perm right now, I'm hanging up and that's the end of the intro. You don't hang up Zooms, you leave them.

Blackout. Merch. Rob Lowe. Rob Lowe still, I'll come, but he was very handsome to begin with. I know, but Gareth, this is where you and I are different. And I mean this seriously. This isn't us going in our same rhetoric. This is real.

I think you think a little bit of plastic surgery is okay. And I don't think it's okay. At the right... What he did, I think...

There's something there. There's something there. But this goes back to our curling perm debate. No, it's not a debate. It's not a debate. It's not a perm. Fine, but I don't want to go in the weeds on that. Then curling. No, because then you're winning that argument because I am on the road and people are like, hey, how's the perm? And I'm like, hey, I'm not going to fight this battle with strangers. I have to win this in the gridiron with you. That's because the internet is funny.

But here's what I'll say. But that goes to the core of what our conversations have been about it. I think, like Popeye, you are what you fucking are. I agree. I don't push back on that. But...

A little bit of plastic surgery means you ain't what you ain't because spinach might make you strong, but Popeye's not going like this. I'm going to have my spinach and a little nip tuck on the neck. I don't even, I'm not even suggesting necessarily. Not a terrible Popeye. I've never done one before. This is not great. I'll be honest for those of us. I agree, but not terrible for a first. It's not terrible.

For a first? My push. Give me two weeks on that. My push is more. I pop by the sailor, man. I found it. I pop by the sailor, man. We both know it. You're freaking out. I pop by the sailor. I got two impressions. Keep going. And you don't. Also, the song just was on repeat. It got sad the third time. I didn't have the next thing. Go ahead. Yeah.

I can't remember it, but it's more just the maintaining. I know, but once you cheat and you put a little bit of nip-tuck and a needle, I think I'm in the category. The hairstyle is not a cheat. The face creams or those things are not cheats. I agree. Look, what you're arguing against is the Al Pacino where he looks constantly surprised. Yes, but that's what I'm crazy. He looks like he's in a church. You know what I would like to host? We're here to help.

Who? A beauty contest for men over 75 who have no work done. And I want a bikini bottoms. I want a oiled up flexing. Title. But you know what we're going for? Huh? We're not going for this fucking new era steroid HGH bullshit.

But guess what? You got to work out. You got to eat well. That's what I like that. Because I don't want the walrus. Guess what? I don't want to be at 80. I don't want to be a goddamn walrus. No, they exist. You and I are guys who care about health. Yeah. We're guys who try. We pretend we don't, but we try. I try. I'm working out four or five days a week. Yeah. Rudy Garcia. I'm fucking throwing weights around. It's just trying to keep...

trying to not lose the battle so fast at this point. That's it. Guess what's happening? It's coming. I hear the footsteps. The footsteps are chasing me. By the way, I'm chasing them. I'm the footsteps to the decline. You're like, yeah, take me. I'm chasing the footsteps. Remember when I was hearing you? Take me.

I love that. The nip and the tux and the beauty contest. I love, I love a beauty. I mean, are we serious? Can we do this? Is this just, let's be honest, this is a thing that never happens. You never know. But couldn't we talk to Morgan and maybe try to do something? Well, Morgan, so Gareth, it's...

I'm the one who would do it. Well, then it's not going to happen. It might. Maybe there's an outside force in the Patreon who could maybe contact us and suggest they could help with something like this. Somebody or one of our emails, but the idea what we'd be looking for, and you know what we might want to start with is just online. Yeah, I agree. Submissions. Submissions of great looking men. Guess what? Men or women.

75 plus no plastic surgery. No work, just health. Au naturel. And guess what? Let's see what we got. If I may, I know I said at the end of the show, I'm going on tour. Go to my website, garethreynolds.com. I'm all across the East Coast. And so I think with this, maybe we wrap up our first intro. Oh, not attack. Let me just end on this. Go. Cook. Thanks.

So she sends a fucking Zoom link to Gareth and I right before 830 at 826. I get on it. It's for a 9 a.m. start. That's when we're doing the calls. Oh, that's what that one is. So then I send you a Zoom link, Gareth, and you're not on. And I go, I'm texting you. You're texting me.

And I go, it's because Nat Attack pulled a Nat Attack because what she does is she's sneaky, Gareth. She's sneaky. Jake, look. She's sneaky. Jake. Talk to me. She's going to hear this. I know she is. That's why I'm saying it like that. She's going to be upset. And without further ado.

This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by something that I have in my home, and that is Skylight Calendars. Skylight Calendar is basically your old school calendar made digital.

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This podcast is sponsored by the crisp, the refreshing, angry orchard. Now, Jake, you don't sound angry when you talk about it, because why would you be? Listen, guys, there's a litany of things that we shouldn't get angry about. But let's be honest. Sometimes it's hard not to be. I get angry at stuff, Gareth. Such as, Mr. Johnson?

Your perm? Stop. I'm soaking wet. Stop. Not today, by the way. By the way, your anger at the perm, I told you you're going to see my movie and you know it's going to be the perm. It was a ridiculous face. It's not even a perm. I don't know what's happening. I get angry at your love of the Packers. I get angry at your delusion over the Bears. I get angry at the draft in Green Bay where you just looked around and my mother who lived in Manitowoc, I'm like, oh, look at this city.

And people are like, and it's like, go back. And I was like, I'm feeling, they had a great draft. Listen, don't get angry about all the things that we talked about, except for Jake's kind of obsessive relationship with the bears that they've never fulfilled him for. 1985. I was alive for one time. Instead, get an angry orchard and feel good, feel chill and refreshed, not getting pissed off, but have a tasty, angry orchard. Okay. Angry orchard is the number one hard cider in the country has a bright, crisp,

apple flavor i just had one the other day jake uh it's just like biting into a fresh apple something we all want to do so grab an angry orchard cider today don't get angry get orchard and please drink responsibly hello hi how are you how are you i'm good how are you good can we get your first name please yeah michelle

Hey, Michelle. Everything going good today? Oh, it's going, you know. Great. Hey, Michelle, where are you calling from? I'm calling from Texas. Where in Texas? I'm in Dallas. Dallas. I stayed in Dallas doing a movie years ago. So much whiskey, so much Lone Star. Yeah. Just a dangerous area to be at a certain age. It's a great town. How old are you, Michelle? I am 32. 32.

32. And how many siblings you got? I got one sibling, one brother. Older or younger? Older. So you're the baby, huh? Uh-huh. Do you feel like the baby in the group?

Not as much as I'd like to be. I'd like to be like 25, you know. Interesting. No, I don't mean how old you are. No, no, go ahead, Jake. I meant like in terms of you and your sibling. I don't know if you can hear my dog. Yeah, I'd say so. He's got big older brother vibes. Great. And what's your dog's name? His name's Sonny.

Sonny. And what's my dog's name is Sonny too. No way. What kind of dog do you have? Miniature Australian Shepherd kind of mix.

Oh, my little poodle guy. Yeah, they're great dogs. My dog can go without a leash. Can yours? No, hers can't. I'll answer. Listen to the fucking thing. So, Michelle, what can we do for you? Okay. So, to set this up, so, you know, I'm 32. So, me and my husband, we have a great friend group. We, for the most part, all met, like, in college. So, like, late teens, early 20s, right? Yeah.

We're now all in our early 30s. Most of us are married. Several of us have kids. Most of us have really stressful jobs. We're all tired. However, we have one friend who...

is really not ready to let the party go. And it's just really determined to keep it going at that same pace, you know, that you did when you're like 21 and the old metabolism was really firing on all cylinders. Do they put caroline cream in their hair? Michelle, can you hear us? We're having some, go ahead.

Yeah, I can hear you. Can you hear me? Yeah, okay, good. Yeah, yeah. Sorry, Jake just broke up for a second. So keep going. You have one friend who's very youthful, probably attracts a lot of great attention, and everybody's into it. Demands it. What would we call this friend, just to name it? No. What should we call him? Is it a boy or a girl? It's a boy.

Can we call it Gareth? Great. Okay, so you got a Gareth. Yeah, we can call him Gareth. Absolutely. Unfortunately, I will have a bias going into the advice on this one. All right, so keep going though. So let's get off of Gareth, unfortunately, and get back to you. So your group of friends, yeah, we'll give him some space. So he doesn't like the space. So your group of friends has all been growing up except for this one guy. Let's call that friend. Let's just call him Blue Jay.

Blue Jay, perfect. That's actually his real name. And Blue Jay is still looking to party like he's 25. You got it. You nailed it. And Blue Jay, it's not just that he himself would like to continue to party like he's 25. It's like he would like all of us to continue to party like we are 25 and become, you know, have like a little existential crisis if we don't.

You mean kind of get like buying shots when you're out and when you guys say you don't want to because you have to go home or you have to get up early. Kind of takes it personally. Right, right, right. You got it. You got it. Yes. Believe that, you know, if we don't keep the party going that we are all getting old and boring and might as well just end it all. Let me give you an example. So, you know, we're in Texas. The bar is here closed at 2. So,

So if we're out at the bars, you know, one time a few weeks ago, my husband and I left at 140. We were tired, kind of call it 20 minutes before the bars closed. Several weeks later, we're hanging out. This gets brought up again about, you know, how lame you guys are that you didn't even stay until the bars closed. Right. So we got a real degree of, I don't know, FOMO or what. Yeah.

Okay. So what is the specific question we can, I mean, it's not going to be an easy one. Yeah. Because it's a good setup. It's a good setup. But what's going to be hard about it is we don't, we don't have the guy on the line with us. This would be easier if it was him, but let's see what we can do. So what is the specific question we can try to help you with? Okay. Okay. So I would say the specific question is how

How do we help our friend understand that it's okay to, you know, to slow down, not go out all the time. And this doesn't mean that we're old and boring and our friendships are dying, comma, so that we can all know some peace, including him. Let me just say something. Let me just say something to start. This feels like the reverse opposite of a call that should be coming into our show.

Our show should be how do I convince my friends to keep partying? This would be the one, the guy, we should be hearing from Blue Jay. Because helping you, I'm like, yeah, we could give you some like straight advice, but I'm like, that's not what our show is. And that's not why people are tuning in while driving to work. It's,

It's hard to... Honestly, I do remember this very much. I definitely hung on. I was hanging in there long. Shots were still a part of my life until...

mid thirties. Same. And to the point where other people are like, yeah, we don't do that anymore. And I was like, yeah, come on. We're here. Yeah. You were here. That's how I would always feel. We're not always here when we're here. Let's go for it. Yes. But I got a question for you really fast. Okay. This is one for Gareth, but, uh, I want you to hear this too, because we're not trying to paint a picture. Let's say you and I did a live show. Okay.

Let's say we went to Denver. Okay. The only reason I say that is direct flights. Yep. You've said Denver a lot. It feels like you've targeted a spot. Okay. Let's say we go to Denver. Berg's there. Eric's there. It's fun. Yep. We finish the show. Good job, man. Great. We go to a bar. You're telling me you and me aren't getting shots?

There can be shots. There can be shots. Which means we're Blue Jay. No, we're not. We're not perennial. So we're basically, we can be Blue Jay. We still have the gear. Occasional Blue Jay. Occasional Blue Jay. That's our pitch to you. This is my question, because I think to what Jake was alluding to at the beginning, do we feel like Blue Jay, is Blue Jay going out every night? Are we talking about like, does Blue Jay have...

an issue or your issue is that Blue Jay, just when you're out with Blue Jay, really wants to turn it up.

Right, right. So something that, no, Blue Jay does not have an issue. No. And even if he does, that's not, we're not the show to help. Well, no, that's what I was going to say. I don't think we can. Okay. The only reason I really stopped being Blue Jay was I started working more as an actor. I had early call times and then I had kids. Yep. So you guys are right at that age where once the kids happen, you're

It's all going to be very clear. I'm not going out with fucking Blue Jay. I'm getting up at 6 a.m. But right now, there's that moment before where people are like, I got to get home and walk my dog. Yep. And you're like, what? And I remember where people are like, yeah, me and Stacey moved in together. We have a dog. Our dog can't be alone for more than six hours. And I'm like, I'm fucking Blue Jay. Yeah, I know. Take a shot with me. Your dog's going to be fine. Worst case scenario, shit's on your floor. Yeah. I'm Blue Jay. I'm Blue Jay. I'm Blue Jay.

I was in a commercial last week. Remember that? Yeah. When someone would get a commercial, it would be go time. I got $9,000 coming into the next quarter. I mean, really. Here's my question. What time are we all going out when we go out with Blue Jay? Eight till two. Hold on, Blue Jay in the studio.

Michelle, what time are we meeting up with Blue Jay? As soon as you guys are ready. I get started at 8. You guys want to pregame it on my pad? We're not talking. Close your eyes, Gareth. You're her. I'm Blue Jay. Okay. Close your eyes. If this ends in a kiss, I'm okay with it. Why would it end in a kiss? It doesn't have to. But why would it end in a kiss? Let's go. Action.

Is that Coraline Green my smoke? All right. Michelle, the question remains, what time are we all meeting up for drinks? When are we going out? Nine o'clock. I feel like eight. Okay. That's what I said. Stop it. Here's what I'm going to pitch. You got to start incorporating day drinking. Day drinking, nobody lasts. This is not a bad idea. Nobody lasts until bar close when day drinking happens.

Day drinking, you can hang in there longer. This is a good idea. You can go from two. You can go from noon to seven. But then you tell Blue Jay, we're starting at 10 a.m. And he'll go, 10 a.m.? Yeah. Then you go, come on, Blue Jay, you little sissy boy. But you can mix in water that way. You can meet up on a Sunday. You start a little earlier. You can incorporate that. And Blue Jay can, look, hang out forever. But nobody has the expectation of a 14-hour hangout. By the way, Gareth is dead right. The way you beat Blue Jay...

is he goes shots and you go, nah, I'm tired. And you go like this, hey, but next Saturday, let's do a day drinking thing. Let's start at 10. He'll go noon. And you go, no, 10.

Start at nine, Blue Jay. And you'll go, nine? And then when he goes nine, go, yeah, you're 30 fucking two, bro. Yeah, let's go. What do you think? You're 19? What do you think? Yeah. Time shame in the other direction. So whenever I tease Gareth about his hair, he doesn't just take it. He teases me about the fact that I didn't wear a shirt to work today. Yeah, or that he drank from some lady's hose when he got locked out of the car. Or that he has a dummy with lockers that he goes in and he kisses and he wrestles with it. Stuff like that. That he has a little outside shed where he goes and he has a bunch of ants in it.

that he wants to have a menagerie of fake gorillas. And that when we point out that it's a problem and it keeps becoming more and more of a problem, he still wants... Anyway, you know what we're saying? So the point is... Go ahead. The new thing Garrett does is he edits his own bits with the... Do you see what we're saying? I'm saving the crew some time. I know they're getting cut. I know they're getting cut. They're trimmed. There was money in the...

They're trimmed. They're not trimmable. They're trimmable. That's not trimmable. Part of my charm is I'm untrimmable. Your hair's untrimmable. It's got so much cream in it. You need a slight trim. Go ahead. So here's my point that I'm trying to make.

He comes at you about two. You come at him at nine. Yeah. He goes, how about a shot? You go like this. I'll see you at 8 a.m. tomorrow morning. Let's go for a jog and then blah, blah, blah. And he's like, what do you think? Let's go. You're 32 years old. So there's never, he feels, I can't just attack the 2 a.m. because they're now attacking a new game. It's like the board game Risk if you've ever played it.

You can easily attack. You can attack to the right, but be careful if you don't have armies to the left. Yep. So if you got to spread your armies all around your border, you can't attack 2 a.m. If you can't wake up at eight.

I think it's, it really is an adjustment that does happen with age. And people do it to you. The first time someone does it to you where they go like, cause I was such a late night guy. Oh yeah. My buddy Clay Allen was the one where I'd be like, you're going home at midnight. And he'll be like, yeah, I'm taking a hike when the sun comes up. You want to come? And I'm like, yeah, we'll just stay up all night. Yeah. And he's like, no dumb ass. We're going to sleep. I'll call you in the morning. And I was like,

no, no, I'm going to sleep until 11. Like I'm 14 going through puberty and my body's changing. Not 14, 17. But...

But that as an idea, what do you think of that? Viewing it like the game of risk and moving the pieces around the border. The night is one vulnerable spot, but so is the morning with the incorporation of let's do a day drinking thing. And if we're going to party, we start at noon in this group because everybody's done by 7 p.m. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So y'all are making some great points here. I have some thoughts in there.

Okay. You might think starting at noon, the day drinking, you know, that no one can make it till two, but he only grows stronger. However, does Blue Jay do cocaine? No.

done this where we've met up you know day drinking brunch whatever we're doing somebody's birthday who knows and you know it's to be like seven we're all fucking drunk we're tired ready to go home and he's like what i thought we were going out tonight and literally nobody has said that but nonetheless however i think you've hit you've hit on a on an achilles heel here which is he is aggressively not a morning person exactly

Not either. I, at 32, love to sleep in until 11. However, I'm willing to sacrifice all this little problem we have. Well, you can sleep in until 11 and still pull off a solid day drink. I know, but she's talking about the converting the night, the power that Blue Jay has to push the night to push it to the morning. Yeah, he does have that.

I mean, he does it due the morning. He can date. What she just said was he can day drink and then go till 2 a.m. So if he goes, come on, you have a drink like this. Hey, tomorrow I'll pick you up at 8 a.m. Let's get breakfast. Brunch. A brunch. A wet brunch is pretty good. Yeah, but we don't have to push the drinking at first. I think we're getting away from that and going more towards the just wake him up. Okay. Is that what you're thinking? Yeah.

I think this could work. And to be clear, we're not opposed to the drinking. It's the, you know, drinking at home is best drinking. Yeah, so great. Especially at 32, you're still partying. The whole thing, the transition in 30s to 40s out of 20s.

It really does start... The hard liquor kind of filters itself out, but the day drinking starts to take on a charm. I agree. Because it still falls in line with a regular human schedule. But then what it transitions into is one hit of weed and a little bit of day drinking. Yeah. And then it transitions to like a weird spritzer. Yeah. And then it transitions into like one delicious cocktail. And then it starts transitioning into like somebody's grilling really good foods. Yeah. And then before you know it, it's...

you're just having like a drink or two at a really nice barbecue or a grill. It's because honestly it started like it starts to be like wine or like IPAs. It kind of just takes on this kind of labor format. And then there's kids around and all of a sudden you're like, yeah, this is just a different thing. And then everybody's got to leave by seven to put the kids to bed. Yeah, because one of the guys has to go wrestle a dummy in his little weird locker shed. I wouldn't call you a dummy and we wrestled once. Stop it.

So, Michelle, I think I would say what we're going for here is kind of let's jet lag Blue Jay a little bit. Agreed. Let's see if we can daylight save his time to schedule a little bit. I think if you could just start earlier, you're definitely not going to get shamed by it. And honestly, if Blue Jay's like, I can't show up at 11 a.m. for drinks. That's what we're doing. Then you go, who the fuck

can't wake up at 11 earlier 930 you kind of flip it on on Blue Jack who was shaming 140 sure 930 sure we're starting at 930 we're doing mimosas in the morning bottomless mimosas

What do you think of that overall, Michelle? Are we in the zone? I think this is good. You know, I think it puts the power back in the group's hands. I like it. I think the alternate pitch that y'all didn't actually pitch is, but that I'm getting from the subject is that we need to get Blue Jay to have a kid and that that would solve this problem altogether. It wasn't the pitch. No, no, no, no, Jesus Christ. What are you talking about? I don't think Blue Jay needs to be a dad. No, no,

Blue Jay's not coming back to the nest with worms. Yeah. We don't need a kid getting like a rum cocktail spilled on his beorned head. We also don't need in 17 years a caller going like, how do I get my dad Blue Jay to love me? Yeah. We're not trying to lump responsibility on Blue Jay. Blue Jay's going to Blue Jay. We're just saying to Blue Jay,

Mornings are cool too. And what's going to do is you just could get tired. Yeah. You got to wear the blue J out. You'll log some hours. It feels like you're present. You're not expected to make it till 2 a.m. Yeah. Day drinking might help. It's a good, it's, it's time. Yeah. It's time. All right. Will you follow up with us? I will. Okay. Arigato. Arigato. All right. Bye. Bye. Uh, hello. Hello.

Hello. I love sports. Yeah, well, you haven't seen every pair, that's for sure. Can we get your name, where you're calling from? And you can hit us on an approximate age, that's fine. Yeah, we're going to go with Winnie from Michigan, and I am approximately 33. Okay, sounds like it's exactly how old you are. Winnie's an interesting choice of names. Yeah. Is that your real name? No. Winnie? Yeah. Okay.

My full name is Winnie the Bish. That's what I figured you were going to call it. You have full on Winnie the Bish. By the way, it's still what I refer to as Lamar all the time because there's no better thing to call a buddy when we're always messing with each other then. What's up, Winnie the Bish? Hey, I couldn't agree more. So, I got a question for you, Winnie.

What would have been your alternative names that your parents considered giving you? Have they told you?

My dad wanted to name me Marge, and that's when my mom took over the naming of all of my siblings. You were going to be Marge? Marge is a crazy... Incredible. Even as a man, I know that that's not okay. Marge is shocking. Marge is just so decisively bus driver who smokes. Agreed. And not short for anything either. Not short for Margaret, just Marge. Yeah, it's terrible.

Winnie the Big, Winnie aka Marge, what was the last weird text you sent or received off the top of your head? Go.

Oh, my sisters and I are sending each other some pretty bad memes about the death of the Pope and J.D. Vance's recent visit to him. Your grim reapering J.D. Vance with his Pope visit? A little bit. Okay, so Winnie, Michigan 33, a.k.a. Marge, what do you got?

Yeah. So my problem is about a month ago, I bought my very first piece of like real adult furniture. So far, all my furniture in my house is like hand-me-down, side of the road, goodwill, fine. I remember. But I decided to invest in a really nice couch. I love this. It arrived about a month ago. It's been super

Super exciting. Awesome to have in the house. The problem is my roommate, since I got this new couch, just spends so much time on it. I get because it's an awesome couch. But she sits in the exact same spot on the couch every single time. And my concern as a new person,

good quality furniture owner is that over time, the couch is going to wear in that spot more than any other spots because it's getting like quadruple the amount of butt time. You're totally right. Completely. I had a guy one time come over to my place to, he asked me if he could record a podcast and he came to my place and

And he sat on the spot on the couch and the couch was never the same. He, he sat in between the pillows and sunk it. It was concave forever. Is the roommates size wise average size?

Yes. Okay. So it's not, it's not that her size specifically, it's just that she, she's sitting on it. It'll be like from when she gets home to when she gets to bed, she sits in this one spot. And I would say that this is like the second best spot on the couch, which then ruled it out for me as an option for someplace to sit. Cause it's already getting too much butt time. So I need to figure out how to get her to like space out where she sits on the couch to the equal attention. I,

I already have asked her to not like there was another way she was sitting on the couch that was like really crunching down the back cushions. And so I already asked her to not sit that way on the couch. So now I feel like if I have another ask, I'm like the crazy couch lady who needs my couch to be sat on exactly only one particular way. Do you guys want to see the couch? We got a picture of it. And maybe I am.

It's a beautiful couch. It is a lovely couch. What do we call that? A sectional? So first of all, where'd you get this couch? Yeah, let's give a little shout out. Where'd you get the couch, Winnie? Interior Define. Nice. Interior Define. It's beautiful. Great setup. When you look at the couch, yeah, there's a long flat area. Then there's the long legged area where you could sit. I'm assuming it's facing a TV of some sorts. Yep. Where does she sit?

She sits on the edge where that like big armrest is. Okay. So not where her legs can go up. No, I think that that's the best spot. That's the equivalent of where I sat at new girl, where my legs could go up. That's the best seat on every couch. So she takes the other one, sits so she can put her drink on that little coffee table and her left arm is on the couch. Is that correct? Yeah. Give her the fucking seat.

That's your pitch? Give her the seat? But here's why, Winnie. She chose a poor seat. Give her the seat. Well, okay. Winnie, let's say she sits on an... Are you going to feel this wherever she sits on the couch? I just want her to sit in different spots different times that she sits on the couch. I hear what you're saying. It's a big couch. There's only the two of us that live there. Yeah, I hear what you're saying. There's actually not a bad spot on the couch. I've sat...

in all of the spots and they're all really comfortable. You just don't want to sag your bottom in the corner. Yeah, exactly. And I can't, you know, the makeup of the couch is that I can't switch the cushions around. This is a great call. It's a great call. It's a great problem. It's also a real goddamn conundrum. Yes, but also, Winnie, you've done a wonderful job setting this up. Great job. Yes. Thank you. It's tough. It's a conundrum. It's tough because...

I'm just putting myself in the roommate's position. If someone said to me, hey, I'm worried that you're over sitting in one spot of the couch. It's hard. I'd be like, what the fuck is your problem? I'd be like, dude, you got a couch. What do you want me to do? You want me to keep rotating? Now you want to micromanage where I sit? You want me to be rotating where I should be sitting? The only way to really...

kind of get this out there is to like see like it's going to seem strange if you bring this up

It may be you want to lean into the strange and make her be like, oh, this is a very strange person. And because she has a couch, I'm going to need to do some strange things to help her with it. There are, I have a couple pitches. I don't know what you have, Jake. I got a pitch. Okay, what do you got? So it's going off of that idea where Gareth was saying, and what I would like to kind of create is

almost like a stuffed animal creature that sits in that seat that you put there that like a throw pillow decorative thing that you keep putting there whenever she sits there go like do you mind if i just put this little thing here so she just moves more towards the middle because the middle still has the table

So it was like a joke, like a, we're creating, you know, like as a gag is a really funny thing that you do Winnie, because you're such a character is you put a stuffed animal on the couch. So you don't like to watch TV alone. And so she knows where that stuffed animal is sitting matters. And some days you put it on the long side. Some days you put it in the middle and go like, I'm doing a really stupid, you know, we could do.

We could do a Dr. Piggly, Mr. Mo. It might have to be them. The importance of sitting in different spots on a couch to preserve a couch. It really is...

Proper farming has you have your four quarters where the cows graze and you move them so that the area where they graze has time to recover. We could almost, if we wanted to. I think that's a good angle. I think that's a solid pitch. I think that's a good pitch. Let me pitch a couple others real quick. Okay. You could also, this one's not good, but let me just get it out there.

You could gift her a chair and be like, I got you a chair, your own chair. And you could go, you could like thrift it and bring it back and be like, I want you to have your own space. Like you could give her something like that. The other, you said she kind of comes home from work and she's, or whatever, she's kind of hanging around, hanging out in that area for a little bit.

Right? Yeah. So you could prep that area before she comes back and you could have like a bowl of popcorn sitting there and your computer sitting next to you. Like you've kind of roped that area off for your stuff and make her adjust and find her new zone. Yeah.

Um, only the other, I think we might want to go with Piggly and Mo, but, but also, I also think what you could do is if you just want to lean in and just be like, look, I am the owner of a new couch. I, it's, I might seem strange to you, but I've come up with an ass chart and

And the ass chart is where we mark. I was about to say no, Gareth, but then the ass chart's very interesting. We mark on like a bit of a poster board. We just mark.

where we sit each night so that I just make sure for my first couch, the longevity is there. It's like my child right now. So we have, you have your stickers, your orange, and wherever you sit on the couch, let's just track it for the next six weeks and

And that's just so we know where we're moving, so we know where we're butt grazing from now on. And I know it might seem strange, but I want you to be a part of this couch. I also want to get the most out of this couch possible. So I'm charting. I think an ass chart is very interesting.

Well, we've, I mean, do you have any more? I mean, those, they seem to be a good variance of options there. I also, this is the other thing I was going to say. Per your, let's leave a stuffed animal there or something, we could, if you wanted...

This is very strange, too. You could pretend you just got your childhood blanket shipped to you and you haven't seen it in a long time and it has real meaning to you. And you could just start leaving that there, too. It's just another arrow in the direction of terror, like items that you value being in her spot and.

kind of pushing her away from that zone. All right, Whitney, let's go to you for a little bit. What are you thinking? Yeah, yeah. So I love the...

weirdness of the ass chart. However, I have lived with this roommate for two years. So we're friends. She knows me pretty well. So I think anything that's like that weird, she's just going to be like, what the hell? What's going on? That could be what Moe and Piggly could talk about the ass chart if we want it. Okay. Keep going here and here. Let's keep hearing her. Um,

And I have thought about the approach of just directly

owning the fact that I'm now a particular couch owner, which I never was before and just bringing it up to her. But I do feel like she, like she's not doing anything wrong. You know, she's just sitting on a couch. She found a spot she likes. She's sitting on the couch, the spot that she likes. So I don't think she's doing anything wrong. I'm just being annoyed by something that's a very normal thing for somebody to do. And I'm being annoyed by it on

on a daily basis. So I have thought about the just direct approach, but then I'm also like, man, we're not going to do it. She already thinks I'm kind of particular. What do you think about Piggly and Mo? Honestly, I kind of like that. Because here's what I'd recommend you do is you just send her a text of the audio and you go, really funny. Just heard this clip. It's so funny. It's our couch. Let's keep moving our butts around.

Yeah, I feel like I feel like that could work because then I could play myself off as like the cool casual. I wasn't even thinking about this when it comes to my couch. But then you say, OK, if I'm sitting in the same spot too much, tell me to. It's got me thinking. Yeah. Tell me to. Right. Keep me butt honest. Keep me butt honest. OK. All right. I'm into it.

So how do we want to, let's talk about the longevity of, why don't we just sort of say we started looking, one of us had a couch issue, started looking into it, and the sag over 18 months became real. And there is this whole theory online about how farmers have their couch. Okay. You want to just get into it? Yeah. But before we do it,

Marge, is this something you're into? Is there something we should consider? Do you have any thoughts going in? No, I'm into this. Let's go. Okay, so let's keep the whole thing ideally under a minute and a half. And let's do this also. Pretend we're talking about something else transitioning. And then we'll start talking about something else so it could be a hard cut as if she just clipped this one little piece. Sure. Does that make sense?

Yes. Why don't we do this? Why don't we come in and you're laughing at me a little bit, like I'm talking about this, and I'll back it up with some science, and then you can be swung around on it. Great. Okay.

We're talking about a couch. I understand, but you are laughing. I don't want to be told where I put my tocas. Of course you don't. But I'm telling you, over 18 months of having this couch, I've noticed direct pockets of sag where people are sitting. Well, yes, that's because people like to sit in the same seat. Of course they do. We are creatures of...

A routine. But I'm telling you, there is a whole theory, and a lot of this started in Norway, as to how you are sort of, you're moving the bottoms around the couch, and over the lifetime of a couch, you're seeing no sag because people are being respectful. Oh, I hear what you're saying. It's very much like how farmers will have the cattle's grazing quadrants.

You have the Cattle's Graze 1 area. Then when that's done, you move them over, give that some time to refill, repurpose. Essentially, what I think you're saying is in order to preserve the lifespan of a new couch, one must rotate their tuchus. Not only their tuchus, their guest tuchuses as well. It's a whole rotation system. See, that's where you get it.

I'm not telling my mother-in-law where to put her tickets. Well, unfortunately, my face. Well, there we go again. We just lost the sponsor. What do you think of something like that? Yeah, I think that's great. Are you into it? Yeah, I'm into it. Jake, what are you feeling? I can't get a sense. I can't either. Are you into it? I am. I'm into it. Yeah.

I think that I could text that to her in a way that makes it seem like kind of funny and casual and low key and not let on how particular I'm feeling about the house. And what would you say in the text?

Like, oh, this is so funny. This was on a podcast I was listening to, and I didn't even think about this with my new couch, but what do you think about just, like, swapping up where we sit on the couch? We're going to give you another take, Apigley and Mo. I like it. The enthusiasm is there. Let's go. Three, two, one.

Two, one. You laugh, you laugh, Mo. Because it's crazy. Mo, there's a whole, this is a very European thing. People are talking about you are, listen, you do not want to sit in the same spot on a couch over and over again.

of course you do it's your routine wear and tear you are talking about removing years and value off of your couch so you said value you got me interested well that's what i'm saying he's got dollar signs in his eyes so what you do is you basically do what farmers do you have the the butts move after

Every quarter, every quarter of a year, you rotate to a new spot. Wait, wait. Farmers move butts? This is what they do so that cattle don't overgraze and ruin the land. So every quarter, you have someone move to a new spot on the couch. You're talking about getting four times the value out of the sofa. You're not calling me a cow, are you? Marie? Marie? Okay. Apparently, I can't have a serious conversation with my co-host yet again. Not with me, of course, Mr. Chuckle.

You know what else we got to talk about? Yeah, get into it. What do you think of that? Yeah, I love it. And I actually just remembered that she and I were having a conversation about like sustainable farming recently. So I feel like the tie-in with the moving the cows around to create graves in different parts of the pasture will really resonate.

Three, two, one, more sustainable action. That's true. You laugh, you laugh, but what I'm talking about is a way to make the life of your couch last four to five times longer. They're talking about this in Sweden, home of Ikea, first of all.

And it's very similar to how farmers will have their cattle graze different areas of their land for long-term sustainability. Yes, I have heard of this. So essentially what you're saying is the cow moves to another area so they don't stomp down the grass, correct? They overeat, they overuse it. And so what you're saying then to me is—

The cow being the owner of the couch smashes down a section of the couch. Anyone could be a roommate, could be a significant other. But what you're basically doing is you're now saying for the long-term sustainability of the couch, I'm going to move. This is interesting. We're all going to move. We're not going to have our spot on the couch. But you could also probably do this, if I'm right, Mr. Moe, with...

- Beds, mattresses. - You could do it with anything, but people notice with couches.

People are sitting on couches. But is this not also a problem with a mattress? It is a problem. It absolutely is. But when we're talking about couches, you need to get everybody who sits on the couch on board with this. Move along. You know, it's a fun thing. So everybody out here, as you guys know, we talk about products. We talk about how to preserve products. So everybody listening, do this at home with your family. Play a game. And everybody switch seats on a nightly basis for one week. Let's move those couches.

cows around i'm not above a bottom chart pardon me it's good to laugh you know laughter is the best medicine uh we go to sponsors what do you think of something like that

I think that that was perfect. I think it's going to be a bell ring. There we go. Well, let's get ahead of ourselves. What's this one?

So let me explain something to you about couches. Oh, here we go. Oh, yeah. Here we go. I park my keister in the same spot and I ain't changing regardless of what your new science says. Well, let me tell you this. Then you are, why don't you just go ahead and light my couch on fire because you're making it valiant.

You're a valueless. Don't tempt me. Far faster than anyone else. But how am I taking away the value? It's the enjoyment of the couch. You are going to be ruining one portion of the couch one, two, three years later, and then I have a useless couch. So this is... Look, all I'm saying is...

When a guest comes over to your house, it's not insane to say to them, hey, sit here. I'm worried about the softness and cushionness of this area. Especially if it's someone you live with. Especially if it's someone you live with, Mo. Especially if it's someone you live with, Mo. You're trying to tell somebody you can't sit where you keep your one. You know what I would say? What? Here's a knuckle sandwich.

Well, look, what I would tell them is you're going to turn my couch into a deflated sandwich with just two pieces of bread. But a couch ain't a beanbag. It is a shared item, and it's not out of line to ask someone to move because you've noticed the stink sagging in one of the pillows. What about something like that?

I think you guys have gone above and beyond. Three, two, one. What's this one? I don't even know. All right, look. Let me tell you something. No, Moe, I'm going to tell you something. I'm telling you something. Oh, yeah, here we go. All right, go ahead. Argue. Go, go. Why don't you do what you always do? Go. I'm going to do it, pigs. Okay, Moe, go. Two cows.

And a farm. You move them so they don't smush the grass. Am I right or am I right? You're right. Okay. What is your point? So that's all I'm saying about the asses. When your little ginger ass comes to my house, you sit in the same seat. Watch your mouth. You sit in the same seat. Because it's a great seat. And what you're doing is you're creating a dent.

Well, what do you want from me? What do you want? You want me to come up then? You want me to come over to your house and ask you where can I sit on the couch? I want you to take initiative, you dope. And I want you to move that little butt to one seat, to the other, to the other, to the other, like a regular human being. Because consider a human being, a consider human being. I'll be honest. I'll be honest. Now that you're saying it.

It doesn't seem crazy to me to ask someone to kind of move where their butt is a little bit because I'm a bigger fella, so maybe I've been squishing it a little too much. I am too. We're both big guys. No, we're big boys. But I sit down in the same fucking seat. I'm going to ruin the fucking couch. Okay, language.

We're going to get demonetized again. This clip is going to get demonetized. Hey, Zuckerberg, give me a break. That's all I'm saying. No, you make a good point. All right, I'll keep that in mind next time I come over. You know what we'll do? We'll both move. I won't take the one area I take. How about this? Every time you and I are watching a game, we switch seats around. Hey, listeners, I think you're thinking the same thing. Mo's trying to get me to sit right next to him during a game. No, no.

Three, two, one. What's this one? That's the kind of couch I like. All right. Now, listen, let me tell you something that is a bit distinct about this situation. I'm asking you nicely. When you come around my place, do not be sitting on the same spot over and over again because what you've done is you've made indentations on my couch.

What are you talking about? You've made indentations on my couch. I've not made no indentations. Yes, you have. Now, all I'm asking you to do going forward is when you come round, scooch a foot to the left. Scooch a foot to the left. That way, you're smooshing the sofa. You've been smooshing the sofa for a long time. You have. You have. I don't sit in the same spot.

Look, it's not different than how my father did the farming. You would not have the cows graze the same area. You'd have a move. Let the land regenerate. I'm asking you to let the pillar regenerate. I am fine with that, yeah. Okay, fine.

But I can tell you... But hold on, mate. What? You don't have to come at me like I'm some sort of a fucking car smooshing grass, brother. Well, I got you because you're laughing at my philosophy a bit. No, bro, no. No, because you're coming at me so hard, bro. Look. Well, look, look, look. All I want to do is go to my mates house, have a point sit on the fucking couch, watch the telly, and all of a sudden, I'm this fucking bad guy. And I'm asking you to still come round. I love when you're round. I love when you're round.

loving you and the mates coming after me like I'm fucking some sort of a scumbag don't think of it like a cage think of it like a love seat because I want love put into that sofa forethought making sure that that thing has value in five to six years that's not enough against you you're a fucking cheap cunt man all you ever fucking think about is value brother why do you keep look look

I value our friendship as well. I can't even put a price tag on that. I value yours too, man, but sometimes you come after me in a way that's not comfortable for me, brother. Well, why don't I say this then? Next time you come round, will you please just sit in a different spot for a little while and just let one of the couch cushions repair itself? I'd love to. I'd love to. It's so much easier that way. Well, why don't you come round tomorrow? I'll buy the pints.

Have a nice sit. We'll watch a little footy. I'm sorry. I'm walking around at Nine Stone these days. No, you look. You think I look like Sylvester bloody Stallone? You look better than me these days. Stop it. Stop it.

I like a pint, mate. I like chips. We all like a pint. Maybe I like them too much. Well, there's... It's got to the point where you bring me on a YouTube. You're getting emotional. That's because you're saying you're not smooshing your couch, mate. No, I didn't. I never said smooshing. All I want to do is watch a little footy. All I'm saying is I don't want smooshing upon me old cushion. I'm doing it as well. I love you. I love you too. And guess what? Guess what? Note received. That's all I'm asking for. What about that one?

You know, I really loved the Scottish accent that Gareth was doing and whatever accent Jake was doing. I, I loved it all. Okay. All right. So you got all Jake counts down again, March, Winnie, you have 13 options. What we can do is I feel really special. I feel like you should. I don't know. We just became a SAG. We just became a SAG shoot. So this is what you should do. Uh,

Nat, maybe we could send her all of these and you could pick which one you like best. I think that's right. Send it to your roommate. Play it. Let us know where it goes and let us know the clip. And we will, I think we have a winner. I think at minimum, we've got a good jumping off point into a bigger conversation. Absolutely. I agree. We appreciate the call. Thank you. You guys are the best. Thanks so much. Take care. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Producer Sherlock here. This next call is a follow-up to episode 80, Identical in Every Way with Max Greenfield. Hi. How are you boys doing?

Good. Welcome back to the show. This is a follow-up, but we don't know anything else. But I hear a little bit of an accent, and that reminds me of a guy who got his dick different than his twin brother, but I don't know as a fact. The floor is yours. You are spot on. This is Robert. How are you guys? That's my son!

The Max CG, well, it was because I've re-listened to your and Max's when you guys did the re-enactment together, and I was hard laughing. That was truly one of the greatest calls. This is one of the greatest problems. This was part of the re-release. So can you remind us your name? This is Robert from Kansas. Robert, Kansas, and can you remind the audience that

of what your first call was. Now, that's also on a re-release that was a few weeks back, but it's the Max Greenfield episode. I'm sure you've all heard it, but for the fun of hearing Robert talk, Wobby Wob, number two, what's going on? So, a while back, after my first son was born, I was

My family was over to congratulate my twin brother and his wife were there and they come to congratulate us and my wife and his wife got to talking and they said that they wanted to see whether, let's see, but they wanted to inquire about whether we were gonna have him circumcised. And we said, well, yeah, of course. And

They wondered why and I said, "Well, because my brother and I are both circumcised." And they thought that was the strangest thing and when we asked why, they said that, "Well, because my brother, Paul, he's not circumcised."

And that just floored me. Flooring you again. Yeah, even rehearing it. It is a very strange little situation. Rob, I can't wrap my head around this. One of you was circumcised, one wasn't. Yeah, according to what he thought. We were amongst company, so I just kind of let it go. Yeah.

- So why? Actually, that's not true. I wouldn't let it go. - I wouldn't let it go. I think processing in real time, that is also difficult. I mean, you don't have the- - Yeah, but I mostly do that out loud, unfortunately. - It's true, actually. You do. It's true. - I'd go like this. Hold on. - Yeah. - Hold on. You have twin boys. You decided to do one with one hog and one without the other hog. Why? Why would you ever choose that in a million years to say,

slice one, the other one, let it ride. Is it like a $5 fee? Also, slice one, get the other one free. It's like twins. Yeah, it really is. It's like an experiment to be like, what is it like for life with the two different dicks? And then you would need to say to each guy's wife, if they were also twins...

What do you think? Right. How does it fit? Is it good? Is it better? So keep going, please. So that's the kind of thing that you can't really get out of your head, and it stuck with me for a while. I kept wondering and wondering what was going on, and that was when I started listening to your show. I was like, man, this is a...

this is a tricky one i need some help with this and i agree with your thoughts right guys we had had some very interesting ideas that we come up with between us and max which one did which which what did we come up with that you liked rob i think the one we went with was uh trying to get a peek

in a in a restroom somewhere i'm shocked that's what we came up with our our pitch was you gotta just sneak a peek at a bar without the dividers have a couple pops right i don't know if i'd recommend that again interesting sometimes when we hear it back because yeah i wouldn't recommend try to look at but we were pitching for a while your twin brother

Okay, so Rob, is that the one you liked? That was the one. Yeah, we pitched some other stuff. That was the one that was the most sensible to me. Some of the other ones that were pitched included getting him intoxicated and having him remove his clothes, which was a bit... I believe that was a max. I believe that was a green field. I like that one.

Yeah. Get him drunk and take his denim off. So you didn't want to do that, which I fully understand, Rob. So, hey, man, I can't keep hedging on this one because I'm excited. What the hell happened? So I took your advice, and as the days went by, we had some get-togethers and stuff.

A few public places where I noticed he was going to go to the restroom, and so I followed him. But I kept running into the whole world is full of just the partition dividers nowadays. Man, you nailed the problem with the world these days. We're divided in every way, even our urinals. Even our urinals are divided. Keep going, Rob. Don't let Derek get hot on this. Do it in Scranton tonight, man.

Well, that was a bit of a dead end. It was. You never saw the hog. I'm just glad you're not calling it a whopper. Thanks for reminding me. So you tried to get him to unwrap the whopper, but you never saw the meat? No, never got there. Oh, but you probably in this situation saw the cheese. Christ, no. No. Or you saw the cheese in your own pants. I can't remember whose circumstance. Remember when you just complimented yourself? There you go. Key's gone. Keep going, Robert.

So that was a dead end. My wife and I were talking about it. And one of the... She said, hell, let me see if I can see his whopper. I'll wear a low cut V-neck and go over and go, hey, I like the way your brother looks. You like the way he's looking. I'll just whip that whopper out of the wrapper. Whopper's still tough. Rob, please keep going. You're doing great. You're fighting through a lot. You're doing so good, Rob.

i'm doing bad gary i'm doing okay but it looks really good compared to what you're doing but he's right on the side right here robert we need you to talk he's it's a it's a mixed bag at this point so my wife's sister shout out elizabeth uh happened to be over does she have a nickname elizabeth

So no. Okay. That's not a nickname, but unless her name is way longer. She was visiting and we had her listen to the episode and she thought it was hilarious, but she had a great idea. Awesome. What would she have? The baby book.

Oh, the baby book. Great idea from Elizabeth. Microfiche. But who prints a photo of the baby? Sometimes you see it in the medical record. Yeah. But the medical record, do you have Whopper Jr. photos? It's not a serious, it's a little bit of a serious question, Robert. In the baby book, are there dick pics of the babies?

Because I don't remember them being money. I think if you went through my family's picture, you could find a picture of my baby dick. That you recently took on that holiday in Express? I thought it was a good enough idea to follow up on.

So what'd you do? So I took my kids to my mom's house to visit. And while I was there, I just plainly asked. I said, do you have a baby Brooks with me and my brother?

i'd like to compare uh this generally the how big my son is compared to how big i was because i was a twin i wasn't very big sorry i want to get to this no he means his home okay i think sorry i was like if you're gonna make an excuse okay gotcha thank you thank you go ahead

But I was 100% with you. Yeah, I want to see how our dicks size up. For sure. And then using the excuse because I was a twin. It's a twin thing. Wait a minute. Okay. When he said because I was a twin, I knew he meant his weight was less. Okay, keep going, Robert. That was close. I love you, Robert. Over there on a dick mission. Top five. Over there on a dick mission. I love you. I don't know if you're top five for me. You're great.

I'm top five for sure. You'll be a guy. I think about long past. We're done with this podcast. So as it turned out, that was also a dead end. Okay. How so the, cause the whoppers had rappers. There was no information in there whatsoever about it. Interesting. Meaning there's no circumcision record or anything. No mention of it. Interesting. Okay. So then what happened?

So I was kind of getting to the end of my rope at that point. I wasn't going to ask him to take his clothes off in a public place. Sure. Yeah, but we're not at the end of the rope here yet. This is chapter two, Rob. I feel like there's more. We're getting to the bottom of it. Rob, if you haven't already, we're pitching. I'll fly to where you live and take his pants down in public. This ain't time. We will make this happen, obviously.

- No one's asked us about it. - We're not there yet, so everything's on the table. Go ahead, Robert, whenever you're ready, and there's a nuclear option. - Him and his wife and I all went to a concert together. And on the way back, I thought this was as good an opportunity as any, and so I just straight up asked him. - Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. But why after a concert is that as good a time as any?

Because it was him and his wife and myself. It's not a reason. That doesn't add up to me. What was the concert? So you're with him and his... What's the con... Yeah. The concert really was irrelevant. Excuse me. Robert, this is a safe place where we share with each other. By the way, I'm with you, Robert. Who cares about that question? Even though I did when he asked. You turned so fast. I just got to sell you out. So...

Yeah, but I cared too. And so you hadn't been alone with him and his wife? Well, I wanted to, it was, it was perfect in my mind because having her there was going to help clear things up even more. Okay. Cause she would know. Cause it all kind of started with her and my wife. Sure. She didn't know what was going on either. And so I thought this was a good time as any. So I started just straight up asked him.

And it was, it caught him off guard to be honest. Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob. Can you, can you remember how you said it and just say it so we can hear what happened in that car ride? Oh, I don't remember. Um, but just paraphrase as close as you can get. I mean, it was, it was probably pretty, pretty blunt. Um, let's hear it. I'll close our eyes and pretend we're in that car concert, maybe country.

It doesn't matter that it cut off. It could have been C&C Music Factory. I set it up kind of like whenever they were over. I said, well, are you thinking about having another kid? And I said, if it's a boy, you're going to have him circumcised. And they said no, and I asked why. They said, well, because he's not. And I said, are you sure that you understand what you're talking about?

I would be a fly on the wall. You know what they say, if you could ever go back in time and people are like, I'd kill Hitler. If I could go back in time, it would just be to sit in the back of that car. Just be invisible. Just have like a little thing of popcorn.

a cold beer and just be like, this is why I want to go back to time travel for this. You sure you know what you're talking about? And the guy driving going, I think I know what I mean when I'm talking about circumcisions. Circumcisions where you have your penis cut by the doctor. No, that's non-circumcised. I can't wait. So then what happened? Oh, I just could not get through to him that his understanding of it and mine were completely different.

It wasn't an in-depth conversation or anything, but I said, do you understand what you're talking about? And maybe he was a little embarrassed with his wife there, but they were both on the same page as far as, yeah, we know what it is. And they kind of held their ground on it. So they still contend he is not circumcised. And they...

Ants, you felt to your satisfaction, ants have an understanding of what that actually is. Well, by the end of the car ride, when we got back home, the wheels had been turning, I assume. And so he said, yeah, I'll do some more thinking and research about it and I'll get back to you. Research. And I said, okay, that's fine. And it's a bit of a letdown, I'll admit, but he messaged me the next morning and said, yeah, it turns out you're right, but

He just didn't know what circumcision was. Neither him nor his wife. This is the best. This is wheelhouse for our show. Look, honestly, while it is, I mean, like you always say, yeah, we ran 15 miles to do a block. It's better than not having the text. This is great. You want to know, Gareth, we say this sometimes.

We've had a couple people on this show, Rob, and I'm not teasing you because you're one of us here, but we've had people on this show who are like grad students getting their doctorate and we pitch things and they're like, no, I don't enjoy that idea. We go like, you might not be the right kind of caller. Rob, you are the right kind of caller. This is the right kind of issue. This will be when I'm doing press and somebody goes, oh, you are doing a podcast? I go, yeah, it's called Weird Herd Album. They go, what's the premise? I go, these are the right kind of calls.

A guy who's a twin thinks that his brother said that he was not circumcised, but he's there. And then at the end he goes, you know what? I just don't know what circumcision is. Also to frame it as let me do some research. Bravo, man. Let me do some research. Google. And then he goes like this. Oh, wait. That's what mine looks like. I mean, literally, if you Google circumcision, you'd be like, oh, there it is. That's the end of your research.

There's just two opposite type of hogs. You either got the skin or you don't. Wow. Incredible turn. So you guys, in the end, you're both circumcised. Correct. And his wife didn't know. Imagine being the third party and also not knowing. They just don't know what the term means. They're perfect for each other. To have two people come together and believe that circumcision is when there's no procedure.

Yeah. Hey, Gareth. It's fucking going, baby. It's going. This is a victory. It really is. It's also so... I'm going to think on this for a lot longer than this call. This ending is very strange. I think I got to say to me, Rob, it's a bullseye. Really quickly before we go, how's everything going, Rob?

Everything is great. Yeah. Do you feel peace now with this in some capacity? Yeah. Yeah, I do. Yeah. That's great. I think it was a more fun way to go about it than just point blank asking them. That's the show in the wheelhouse. Thank you, Rob. Bless you. You guys take care. You too, buddy. Bye. Jake, do you need a break before we let in the next caller?

Why do I seem like I need one? He's got a toilet under his desk. I've got a toilet under his desk. You didn't go to the bathroom when Gareth and Jackie... He's got a desk toilet. I got a diaper. Yes, I'll do it. All right. Oh, my God. His shorts. I can't wait to talk about his shorts. American flag shorts. I like the way the sun's just coming in right there on your face, Natalie. That's nice. Jake, nice shorts. Everybody's talking about them. Thanks.

Are you going swimming later? Jake, it's fine. Don't worry about it. No, but you're right to say that. Don't worry about it. You're right to say that. Merch.

When you bust me, I don't have a comeback. They are swim trunks. I like that you own it. It's very good. I'll mostly push back, but that's pretty good ownership. It's just reality. By the way, that's why she was like, go pee, Jake. She knew something was up. She knew. I won't tell you. He was so reluctant to get up. He was like, why? What do you know? What did you hear? Not accurate. What did you hear? No, this has been an annoying day because I'm getting so many texts, so

So I keep seeing him. So I use the break. But I did think when you said go to the bathroom, while I stood up, I thought, yeah. Oops. Oopsie. But I had fully forgotten what I was wearing up to that point. But I did have a, yeah. Not ideal. Oh, my God. You guys ready? Yeah.

Oh, boy. We definitely shouldn't tell the caller about the shorts. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash heretohelppod to see our entire catalog.

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing, mix, and master by Chris Fowler. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostyke. Animations by Andrew Strzelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand-up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com. Remember, all of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

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