173: Boyfriend Doodies & Pro Boner Advice (with Jameela Jamil)
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26. So Gareth, when you use Gemini, which we both use, what do you use it for and what do you like about it? There's sometimes like if there's a topic that I think I want to do stand up on or if there's sometimes like if I'm writing something for my other show, it's just like a way to kind of have something. It just gives you all the information and right away you go, oh, OK.

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We're here to help.

What's going on with your skin, Gareth? Have you done some sort of salmon sperm facial? Why do you look so amazing? I've had a salmon come on me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's amazing. Do you just wank it off in a supermarket?

I buy it. I bring it back here. I have a tank where, and then I have a separator. I don't want to get into it, but I have a tank where the sperm separates. We're just in it. Let's get started. We've already started. We were just talking about your show, Jamila. You're with us here, Wrong Turns. And we were talking about how fun it was. Yeah.

We just laughed. So it was such a fun time. Yes. I think it was one of my favorite hours of my life. Genuinely, it was the most fun. You three are absolutely fucking hysterical. Eric Elstein's an absolute maniac. He's a monster. Yeah, I love him. A crusher.

He's a large force. When he gets cooking. When he's cooking, really, you do have to step out of the way. I can't remember what I said, but I took him to a place that was so filthy in that hour that he was stunned by me at one point, and I felt like I'd really achieved something. No, that's good. That's a very good sign. I feel like he's got a high bar for shock, and I made it. I lived to find the line. So your show is Wrong Turns. It's called Wrong Turns, yes. Okay.

And it's people tell stories that they've had a wrong turn in life.

Yes, they do. It's basically, it's celebrating all of life's big clusterfucks and especially the ones that have no inspiring afterthought, no pearls of wisdom. There's no, there's nothing gained. There's no silver linings. I just feel, I feel as though I've overdosed on optimism from the internet and how every terrible thing that happens to everyone has to have a fucking positive outcome. And so much of the time, it doesn't fucking end that way for most of us. All right. Sometimes we're just,

soaked in humiliation sperm. And so this is a podcast for those people. Yeah, exactly. That's why Gareth is glowing. Is this what it is? They're saying you're putting... I didn't want to miss it. That's why I jumped in, but I didn't want to end it. You're saying you put salmon sperm on your face? Yeah.

He doesn't get it. He doesn't do it in a clinic like the other people on TikTok. He just wanks off a fish in a supermarket, you know? And not a lot of people know that salmon sperm swims against the P.

the pee hole. So it actually comes out the mouth. It's very, it's a whole ecosystem. Nobody's ever thought of it. So are the salmons alive or dead if you're waking them off in a supermarket? When I'm done, we'll be right back. Jesus Christ.

You wank them off to death in a supermarket? No, no. Like I said, I come home, I have a tank, and then it separates it. It's a long, actually, term relationship. Yeah. How many fish you got in that tank? I got six salmon right now, but two to full ejaculate. Isn't it amazing that people are actually injecting salmon sperm into it? I didn't know that was actually a thing, to be honest. People are so insane. I thought you just pitched a bit.

I thought it was a good pitch. No, no, no, no. It's real. It's real. Someone did pitch it in a beauty clinic. How do you even figure out that that works? Exactly. This is how I feel about the flavor of vanilla and raspberry and strawberry, which often when they say natural flavorings, the flavor comes from a gland next to a beaver's anus.

How the fuck did we find that out? Can you do that one more time for me? There's a glam next to a beaver's anus. I spend a lot of time on my own, okay, guys? Googling, this sort of thing. There's a glam next to a beaver's anus, and some of the flavorings that come out of it taste a whole lot like raspberry, strawberry, and vanilla.

So sometimes when you're eating things that are flavored as that, they'll say natural flavoring. Hold on, hold on. Sherlock, Sherlock. Will you fact check this? I'm going to find out in the future. Here's the beauty of the internet, Jamila. I am not positive that the anal gland of the beaver, when...

squeezed out he's like fucking this is true you are an amazing human this is not you gotta admit that is too far because you almost had me going like amazing we have the internet jamila wait has anyone googled it

Sherlock, are you doing it? Yeah, sorry. I'm going down the rabbit hole. Yeah. The beaver hole. The beaver hole. I don't know. It seems pretty real. Thank you. There's a lot. Oh, there's a lot. Yeah. There's a lot. Oh my.

A history of flavoring food with beaver butt juice. Okay. First of all, I want to say to you, I'm sorry. I am sorry. I was wrong. You are right. Wow, that's shocking. Did not see this ending this way. Kind of a right turn.

You know, this is a right turn. What a time to molest a beaver, really. Holy cow. So you're right. So somebody was eating the beaver's ass and went like, don't tell anybody. And then went like, motherfucker. Yeah, that tastes delicious. Andy, would you take a look at this? That tastes like strawberry. Yeah. And then they all thought it was one magic beaver. They're like, no, it's that one. And then it died and they're all like, no.

No. And they're like, oh, one of its kids. Wait till, oh my God, it's got another rapper. It's like the Dalai Lama. Oh God, we're all, you're going to get me canceled before my podcast even comes out. Stop. It's fine. Give a shit. Here's my question for you though, really fast. And this is, we all have a while. Well, it's the Beaver community's big online. Okay, go on. The Beaver,

It is. You know who's a big community? You know who's a big community online is the people who don't... Okay, so I tweeted a few years ago back when I was still tweeting.

against my better judgment and the health of my publicist, that the Met Gala without Rihanna is like sex without an orgasm. And the people who don't or can't have orgasm community, huge online. Really? Came for me. Said I was dismissing their experience. They finally came. Yeah, yeah. Wait, there's a big community of people who just can't have orgasms? Yeah, they can't have orgasms for some reason. And, you know, no shade to those people, but they are a big angry mob.

They've got a lot of energy. Yeah, yeah. They're holding in a lot. It's really funny that people who can't come are really angry. I know. It's really. But I think that's everyone. I think that's everyone. 100%. I think that's everyone online. I think that's everyone who says a mean thing. Anyone who writes a nasty Yelp review. It's,

always someone who has forgotten to masturbate that day. And in my head, I'm just imagining them just like fucking bursting full of cum. So definitely not Jake. Yeah, so... No. The non-Jakes of the world. How do you think Garrett's face gets so glistening?

Please, Jake, hurry. One thing I promise you, he doesn't have any salmon. Jake and I are in the same house right now. That's why I always look tired and he always shines. Yeah, Jake's empty and I'm loaded. It's the fountain of youth. You keep getting younger, I keep getting older, and I'm like, what's happening here? You're like, no, it's a good deal, Mr. Jake. Quiet, Jake. It's a good deal. Just give me the seed again. Yeah, your dick is the...

painting in Gareth's basement. By the way, Jake, there's a little area near your asshole that tastes just like strawberry. Have you ever noticed that? Could you imagine pitching that to somebody? So I want you to eat my asshole, but not for the reasons you think. But beware of natural flavorings, all right? Because you have no idea what the fuck you are actually eating. But here was the question I wanted to ask before, if you don't mind. Sure. We'll get to a call very soon. Yeah. We've all gone down wild roads on the internet.

I've never gone down that road. No. How did you start it? What were you thinking? What were you doing? I lived there, Jake. That's the road I live on. Okay. You have a wild Google search. All my mail comes in. You know what? My Google searches have been so crazy that one time I panicked and threw my laptop in the River Thames in London. What? I can't believe this is true. I didn't understand the cloud.

You know, I didn't know that you could find it anyway. Cloud meet river. Yeah, there is a MacBook 13 Pro or something in the River Thames at the bottom by the embankment bridge. Hold on. So you're looking at the internet. You're Googling. You're getting weird. Because I was making a documentary about porn. And so I was having to research porn.

Jake does that every day too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jake is studying for his documentary. Curly hair, ginger beard. Yeah, exactly.

And I saw things that I think I just wasn't supposed to see. And I was like, what if I die and then people find this? And I don't believe in delete hill history. You know, I don't think it really means anything. No, it doesn't. They can see everything. Of course it is because you watch it on the detective shows. Yeah. Which in another life I was a homicide detective and now it's...

That's not about this moment, though. But yes, they can't. Okay, let's take a call. Boy, that was awesome. Jake, in another life I was at. Yeah, we got to go. All right, let's roll. Action. That's every first date. Every first date. That was my dating experience. All right, let's do it.

This episode is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is an all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. You want proof? Go to GarethReynolds.com. I love the little curly-haired ginger. Lord knows I do. I've known him for 20 years. But I wouldn't call him the sharpest tool in the shed. I wouldn't call him the dullest. But I would say he was a little closer to the dullest than the sharpest.

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Episode of We're Here to Help is sponsored by the crisp, refreshing, angry orchard. Listen guys, there's a litany of things we shouldn't get angry about, but let's be honest, sometimes it's hard not to be. Don't get angry at Piggly and Moe and say that it makes no sense and nobody would fall for it.

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And Hero Bread is offering 10% off your order. Go to hero.co and use code HELP at checkout. That's help at h-e-r-o dot c-o. Hello. Hi. Hi. How are you guys doing? We're great. Jake was in the momentum of talking about how he could be a detective in New Orleans in another life, and our producer Sherlock just told us.

Get going. Well, this body been here for about 30 hours. Stop. And to begin, if you don't solve a case in the first 48, you ain't got a case. Jake.

You got 48 hours. Jake. You really do have 48 hours. Stop. Because if you don't solve it in the first 48, you ain't going to get yourself a case. Stop your enabling. No. Everybody shut up. Hey, baby girl, tell me your name. Jake. I'm Courtney. Hey, honey, honey. And where the hell were you 30 hours ago? Jake. And why are you looking so good in that denim? What are you talking about? Sorry, I don't have a left leg. This is what happens when you watch too much Pornhub at the same time as CSI.

No, 48 hours. Yeah, this is 48. Well, you can hear we have a guest. You have Jake and I, but you obviously have a great guest, too. We have the great Jamila Jamil is joining us for this episode to help guest helper. She's back. Courtney, Courtney, listen to me, Courtney.

Don't fuck this up. I'm listening. I'm here. Okay. I know. Oh my God. Courtney, don't get nervous. No, no, no. Don't get nervous. Don't you get her in her head. Hey, Courtney, did you know that beaver's butts taste like strawberry? Courtney, what's going on? What can we help you with today?

So I'm an active listener of the show. So I'm actually calling on behalf of a friend because she is not. But her problem is right in your area of expertise. So I felt like it needed people. Yes, this is a first. It actually is about the anus. So that goes crazy. And Courtney, I think we may have lost your friend. Does she know to stay on the in the waiting room?

She actually had to get off because she is bad at time management. So she told me to just go ahead and kind of like solve this out for her and she will take the advice as it comes. Got it. Okay. Well, let's see. Yeah, let's this is highly unorthodox.

Yeah, I know. It's really weird. And I told her that she should definitely stay on. But she was like, I have to go. And I said, OK, well, I'm just going to do it then. OK, well, what is your friend? What should we call your friend? So we can call her Jocelyn. She gave me the OK to use her name. OK, what's going on with Jocelyn?

So Jocelyn is dating this guy. He is a professional hockey player and he is super emotionally unavailable and kind of a big baby. But the problem is that he has been leaving these deer-sized turds in her shower when he spends the night. So like...

she'll go into the bathroom the next morning after he's been there and spent the night and find like these little pebble sized turds like in the drain. That's insane. And

So it happened once and she brought it up and said that this is pretty crazy. Like, what is this? Because she actually ended up touching it first because she thought it was one of the like gel Gatorade tablets that you eat because he eats a bunch of those. Is that what they look like? That's what I said. I was like, I don't think so.

I understand touching it, but confusing it for Gatorade is even a jealous is off. Okay. It's crazy. Right. So she found it the first time, uh, mentioned it to him kind of, and he just like played as though he didn't know what she was talking about, but now it's happened again. And she wants to like get out of the situation entirely, but not before addressing the shit in the shower.

She wants to exit this relationship or whatever we call it, but find out why before she leaves, why he's deer pooping in the shower. Is that right? That is the question. I just need to start immediately with the fact that I'm not familiar with the turd of the deer. That's shocking too. I know. It's really just the beaver that I focus on. But did you say like tiny pebble-sized birds, sort of like a rabbit? So do they have just tiny...

Why are they... I would imagine they would be doing like logs, you know? Yeah, same. Probably their diet. Probably the diet, not enough hydration. Who knows? I wouldn't call it a negative thing, Courtney. I think they got a pretty good diet. They've been around for a long time. It's very rabbit-y. I'm looking at it now. Yeah, I think it's... They're eating a lot of grass. I think they got a pretty smooth digestive tract that just pops out little marbles. And I think the reason why you probably didn't say rabbit because it's similar size is...

A deer, the rabbit looks very grainy. The deer one, from what I'm seeing, without getting too in the weeds, looks very reminiscent of

regular feces, but just shaped differently. Courtney, just to get us on track a little bit here, because this is actually, I was a little disappointed at the beginning. I don't like the idea of secondhand. Your friend Jocelyn, I want to tell you, Jocelyn, because I know you're listening. I know you're not busy. You got nervous and I'm not into that, Jocelyn. So first of all, we're going to need a follow up with you. You're going to have to call back and you are going to get scolded. She's on the show shit list. Yeah. But part of this show. Oh, perfect.

But part of this show, Jocelyn, as you know, there are scoldings and you got to get scolded because this is your problem.

You came onto this goddamn community and you ran. So Courtney, thank you for doing it. Yeah. But basically what we got here is we got a professional hockey player and Courtney do not take Jocelyn's back. Take our back. What team does he play for? Wow. I actually don't know the answer to that. Courtney, if you know the man shits in a shower, you know, what color Jersey he puts on. I want to say it's blue, but I don't,

I don't know. Okay, you really don't know. Okay. Yeah, well, you held up. You tried. Jake's just trying to solve this in the first 48 hours. Otherwise, we believe the case falls apart. I totally agree. I agree. And sometimes you got to go hard in that investigation room. Absolutely. What did you say? You really do or you'll lose it. Or you'll lose it. So you watch First 48 too? I do, absolutely. I'm in your sport, guys. It's an awesome show, Courtney. Did you say that this man is emotionally unavailable and he's shitting in her shower? Yeah.

Yes, that's the crazy part to me. I was like, why are we not putting this up to this? Extraordinary. That's a leader. That's a leader. That's a leader.

That's a leader amongst men. He's a hockey player. He's probably got a good body. He probably knows what to do with it. He can handle himself on skates. So I'm sure in the bedroom she's like, I'm not disappointed in the way he's sliding around in here. The problem is he's got something going on either as a power play or his body's all sorts of jacked up and he just takes dumps in the shower and he doesn't even know what he's doing. It's got to be. Yes. Courtney, is he an alcoholic?

Yeah, that's a good question. He is not. He is like a social drinker. He's not an alcoholic or anything. No, this is IBS. I think it's very clear. But I do think there is a revenge poo element of it. It feels too deliberate. The fact that it's not in the toilet. She's got a toilet. She owns a toilet, yes? Yes, it's right next to the shower for sure. Oh, that's the problem. That's very confusing. But Jamila, the real question there was does she own a toilet but she's got a shower?

Yeah, that was one of my questions. I just wanted to know, like, you know, I wanted to make sure this young man had options. You ever been with a guy and he doesn't have a toilet? I'm from Pakistan. You know, it's... I'll be on the rails, of course. But I think... I'll keep my mouth quiet. So I...

I think I'm also, I find it very funny that she, but he's still around. Like it would be very easy to get rid of this man because he's so emotionally unavailable. Can you explain more about how he's emotionally unavailable? It's extraordinary. I really, I'm really amazed by this man.

Yes. So he's emotionally unavailable in the way where he's like not really trying to commit, despite the fact that Jocelyn is providing all of the girlfriend duties, but without the girlfriend title. I mean, she's beyond the poop in the shower. She's doing a forensic cleanup. And she even cleaned it out. So yeah. She had to. What's she going to do? Wait till he comes back in town?

That's an animal's behavior. So, Courtney, what does girlfriend duties mean? He's done boyfriend duties. Oh, yes. So the girlfriend duties. I love how bad you were holding in the laugh on that one. But you got it out like a goddamn throw. You got it out perfectly. You got it out perfectly. So what does that even mean, Courtney? What does Jocelyn do? Just has sex with him? Cooking for him, cooking.

cleaning up, inviting him over, like introducing him to her kids, you know. She's got children. Yes. How old are her kids? Yeah. You fucking tell this Jocelyn to get on the fucking call. What is her problem?

Text her right now. Courtney, she just jumped off because she didn't want to be on the call, right? It wasn't because she had something to do. Listen, guys, she jumped off because she had sex with this man again after the first time he took a shit in her shower. That's why she's gone. And so she should. Yes. Why the fuck? Courtney, will you text her right now? Say...

Jake's getting a little bit hot and he's ruining the vibe. Any chance you could hop on? I absolutely will do that right now. Tell her that Jamila is very disappointed. Yeah, say Jamila is very disappointed. Say Gareth seems fine. Yeah, Gareth is pretty steady. He seems steady. It doesn't seem to be triggering him. He's trying to figure it out. He's fine. He's ready to pitch. He seems okay. Do you know why she continued to see him after the first time?

She likes him. Because the bedroom activities were fulfilling. I told you. That's what I said. That's what I said. You did. You were right. This is very obvious. Yeah. This is... I mean, it's that good. It must be that good to come back around after deer crapping. Before I was married, I used to shit in every woman's shower and I kept going back. I don't think they did. Also, what? What?

Also, no. As long as when you leave the bedroom, she's laying there just going like looking up in space. You get right in the shower. You do what you got to do. And then you leave and you go, sorry for the mess. And she goes, in my pants. It actually does raise a very strange question about the chronology of what's happening in there.

because he must be deer pooping at the end of the shower. Because if he were to be doing it during the shower on accident, the water would break it up. Unless there's more and the water broke up most of it. It's ceremonial, isn't it? It's ceremonial. It's ceremonial. It's like, it is, there is...

If we're trying to get inside the head of a killer, I'm going to say that he is doing this in some way for status. So this is like a burglar who takes dumps in the toilet and doesn't flush. Yes, that's what I said. A trap burglar. He's saying I was here. He's marking his territory in a new and innovative way.

Also by saying... I think he does like her. I think they have a future. That's amazing. I think this is the speech at their wedding. I knew that my boy Troy was in love when he took rabbit poos in her shower. He kept deer crabbing. Do you think he's shitting like sort of where he's standing or do you think he's making a concerted effort to squat over the drain to then release the pebbles? I think it has to be

aimed over the drain. It's a drain aim. Yeah. Because otherwise, there would be a sloppier situation, but he is aiming. No way. Okay, hold on. Do you think he can control these little deer pellets coming out?

You can't determine the size of Pellock. He is like a Hershey's Kiss machine. He is being very careful. He's dropping a baby, and then he's leaving, and I guess he's maybe... Look, again, I mean, we're talking about we walked in on bloody walls and a severed head. I can't get inside what he's actually thinking. I've seen worse. I have a new theory. New theory unlocked. Let's go. Okay.

something's not adding up. So they're having a whale of a time in the bedroom. We haven't been given details as to why this man is so, you know, such a hoot, such a riot in the bedroom. And then he's doing very like strangely tiny poos for such a large, strong man. Yeah. I think that might be some significant anal bead play. That's what's happening here. And I think it's slicing up the poos. And I think it's creating tiny like bead pellets and

And that's what's happening. And that's why after sex, he's going into the toilet. He's a victim.

Wow, you went so fast, so hard in such opposite directions. I know. I'm confused by myself. But I'm just saying that I... But I hear you. But I like where you're... By the way, I will compliment you because you're throwing out a big wet right now because I'm not positive what Gareth was saying. I hear you, but I'm not sure this is a power play. I don't think it's a... What are you thinking? Honestly, I don't know. Victim is interesting. Courtney, what I would really love... And did you send that text to Jocelyn? We all would.

I did send it to Jocelyn. Did she read it or send it back yet? She did not respond. Courtney, be real with us. Girls tell each other everything. Was there some bead play? Courtney doesn't know. She wasn't in the sack. You know, I was wondering if perhaps it was more of a dingleberry situation where it just like was stuck there perhaps and like fell out. I don't know. Jesse? Yeah. Can we call Jocelyn and if it doesn't answer, can we leave her a message?

just call her and see if her thing is good enough can you make sure the audio is good but can we call this woman i can't do this i can't do this through a second person it is difficult it's too good of a setup we got jamila i'm so happy with it it's a good first chapter but we're talking about what she said which was interesting about like anal it's like to go like maybe that's true i'm like this show is not called maybe we have information yeah

We're dear to help. If I'm a detective and I walk in a murder situation, I don't want to walk into the apartment next door and go, was there a murder next door? I need to be where the body is. Yes. But I can't solve a case in apartment 13 if the murder's in 12. Right. But you're not a detective from New Orleans. You're just a guy. So...

How do you have to get nasty? I'm being so nice today. You want to be very nice, but it's just earlier in the call. You're hurting my feelings. But this shouldn't hurt your feelings. That's just reality. What I said is real. He's covered in your cum, Jake. Just like, give him a break. Come on, buddy. I'm little you. You got that ginger beard. I'm going to spray all over you. Courtney, would you tell me her number? I can't help it. I hate it. I can't stop.

Sorry, did you say my name again? Yeah, what's her number? What's Jocelyn's number? I'm going to put her on speaker here. Courtney really regrets phoning in, and I think she thought this was going to go a different way. Yeah, me too. I absolutely don't regret phoning in. No, Courtney's the best. Jocelyn got scared. The one thing that's for sure, Courtney, is that we're on your side. Oh, yeah. No one else is. We're rooting against the other two. I appreciate that. Yeah. But also, Courtney, if you watch First 48, which I know we both have...

The time is ticking. You know that clock that's there on the right-hand corner of the screen? We just don't have time to do this for 40 minutes where it's going click, click, and then all of a sudden we got some kid in here with a white t-shirt going like, I didn't do anything. Hold on. Sorry. Never mind. Oh, damn it. Someone join the waiting room, but it's our next caller. I have her phone number ready. All right. Here we go.

Is it ringing? Yeah. I'm disappointed in her for not coming on. I agree. We all are. Especially as this is a woman who is not afraid to get her hands dirty. I'm surprised to see this cowardice from Jocelyn all of a sudden. I agree. I think you may have rejected the call. She's done things I could never do. Oh, really? It didn't even answer. She's out. So here's what we're going to do. We're going to air this as it goes.

And there is going to be a part two, Jamila. You will be invited. Do not feel pressured. I wouldn't miss it for the fucking world. I need to know what happened to this young man. But, Courtney, we appreciate the call. Go ahead, Jamila. What were you going to say? Thank you guys so much. Thank you. This was a true dream. We'll get her, Courtney. Yeah.

Um, this is, I also just love the fact that she needs to, it's very me coded to, to, to clearly want to break up with this animal of a man, but not do it until you have answers. I really appreciate it. Is animal an insult or a compliment? I think it's both. I think it's both. I think that's, that's what I want to get to because I think what this is partly is I don't like the shit, but I like what happens in the bed. And what I'm going to say is you can't have your cake and eat it too. Yeah.

I think they're very connected. Can you imagine? I think they're connected. That was happening in... When you brought up the thing about the beads, I said, like, we need more info. You know, I only knew what anal beads were because I was staying at a friend's house and found his big gold necklace, and I put it on, and then my boyfriend at the time said...

I don't think that's what you think that is. Oh, God. That's a very upsetting way to put it. All right. Courtney, we appreciate it. We're going to talk to you later. Thank you, Courtney. We hope you're with us, too. And, Jamila, we used to take off for the next call. Yes, thank you guys so much. Thank you. What a highlight. I love you guys so much. Thank you. Love you. Thank you. Bye. Yeah, she's tearing that ass up. That's what's happening. Yeah, yeah. Honestly, I would like to know. Jocelyn's beast. Yeah.

Hey, can we get your name please? Hi, my name is Jenna. Hey Jenna, how you doing? I'm doing pretty good. How are you guys? Good. Good. Are you feeling shy? No, she'll be okay. She'll be okay. Where are you calling from, Jenna? I'm calling from Austin, Texas. Great. And about how old are you, Jenna? 28. Oh, you're just a kid. And what do you like to do? What's a fun Friday night for Jenna?

Lately, I've been getting into the old game of billiards. Billiards, great. Have you ever considered like reading kind of like soothing meditations or books like that? She's got the ASMR voice. That's what I was just feeling. As you're talking, I'm starting to feel like things in my body. I want you to like scratch a pine cone or something. Did you just say come here? Careful, careful, careful, careful.

Save it, Jake. Save it. By the way, I'm good for the morning. Hey, Jada, could you say really fast, I like to use curling creams in my hair, and Gareth, could you come over here for a sec? Absolutely, Jakey boy. I love you, buddy. I love you, bud. So you've got the great Jamila Jamal from Wrong Turns Podcast. She came on our show season one. We did a call where there was a garbage can in the back of a car. Okay.

And you told a story about farting on the good place. Yeah. I didn't know that that was gonna go viral. And it went super viral. That's what went viral. You were holding gas during an epic scene. I think the Daily Mail picked that up. So it was a sad day. First of all, I want to say we apologize. No, it was my bad. You know what? You didn't even ask me. I volunteered it up. I served it right up to you on an indignity platter. You know, so...

But we love having you on our show, so thank you. I love being here. Jenna, can you now take over and let us know what's happening, where you're at, what the problem is, and take your time. Gladly. So I work as a nurse in like a reproductive family planning sexual health clinic. You'd be perfect. But outside of work.

I'll fill that jar. I'm sorry. I'm done. Let me know if you have any extras. That's part of my skincare. And outside of work, I mostly surround myself with people not in the healthcare field. So most of my friends are like musicians or artists, um,

Which means that I've sort of become their connection point to basically like an urgent care person. Whenever something goes wrong, they call me. Is it a lot of sort of sex-based? Is it a lot of sort of, you know, reproductive organ-based problems or STDs and stuff that they're coming in with? Well, that's what's sort of starting to happen. So like in the past year, a lot of my...

specifically my guy friends, have started reaching out. And it always starts the same way. They'll text me and be like, hey, I have kind of like a personal private question. Can you keep it a secret? Like a medical thing. And then it turns into them asking me... Exactly. It turns into them asking me about like a bump on their dick or like discharge that they're having. And these are like my...

You know, it started as like my kind of close guy friends. And now the word is kind of spreading that I have like that I have the medical answers for them. And now when I'm just like trying to come home after a day of work, I'll get like a random out of the blue text about one of my guy friends' penis.

And it's becoming a problem in my life. The job never stops. My God. Has anyone reached out to you about uncontrollable tiny poos in a shower? No. No? I'm not quite yet. I'm waiting, though. Okay. Yeah. We'll get them back on together. So this is a pretty interesting setup, Jenna. And I get why it happens. I think it's pretty clear and I get the position you're in. But what is the specific question we can help you with?

My question is, how do I stop being my guy friend's sick doctor? Hmm.

I think we can start with the fact that you've already started taking action subconsciously. Jenna, you've phoned in a huge podcast and aired all of this out. It's true. So this is already, it's a subliminal attack. And I really like your style, actually. I think this is wonderfully passive aggressive. You could almost be British with a move like this.

And so I think this is an immense start. I actually, I got a pitch. Prove to be leaky. You got one already? I do. Okay. Because she specifically didn't say medical advice. She said guys' questions about their dicks. You got to laugh every time because...

They're asking you as a nurse in confidence and they believe it's because you're professional and for you, you're different than other women, even though you're 28 and they're friends because they go, now I'm talking to you as a professional here. And they expect you to go, oh, I wouldn't worry too much about that. If they said, hey, I got this weird discharge and you in caps wrote, ha, ha, ha, ha, LOL, LOL, LOL.

rolling on the floor laughing, thinking about your dick discharging. They'll write back, I'll never ask a friend again. This is something I should go to a professional on, which is true.

Can I add to that? Please. Just to make it more severe. Yes. I would say screen grab the conversation and send it back to them. Don't send it to someone else because they'll think you were going to send it to someone else. With your LOLs. This made my day. Thank you. Yeah. But screen grab it because there's nothing worse than when someone sends you a screen grab of your conversation and then they panic.

Yes. Because now they know that there's been a leak, you know, in the chat. So I think that could be... Unfortunately, it could end the entire friendship, not just the penile element of the friendship. No, because they'll write back, they'll write back, yo, yo, yo, don't share that. All right. Then just write back, oh,

okay, LOL. And they'll be like, cut out the fucking LOLs. Don't air that. What if you start messaging them about like fictitious fungal problems with your vagina? That's what I was going to say. Why don't you start retaliating? I thought that's what we were doing here. I thought we were sharing. I have a labia rash that gets worse when I shower. What should I do? Yeah.

Just I know how you feel. That is such a killer idea. If you... Yeah, I like that. Start sending pictures of other people's pussies from the internet, you know? Ew, ew, stop. From the WebMD section. Gareth, get over here. Jack.

No, Jake. God, shooters do shoot. Shooters do shoot. So that's a great pitch. That last one is horrifying. I'm just putting myself in the guy's position, and of all of the things that we've heard, the last one that was just pitched is the one out of all of them that would make me be like, hey. Or you could also say on the third one, send a pic.

Oh my God. They would, wouldn't they? They would do it. They have like tried and I've been like, no, no, I don't, I don't need that. And it's like, I mean, as a healthcare professional, your worst nightmare is running into a patient out in public. But these people are like,

That's tough to hear. That is tough to hear. And like seeing them. And another moral problem I'm having is I'll be like out at a restaurant and I'll see one of them like on a date with someone. And I'm like, what if does he know that he has the drip or whatever? How many of you? Am I obligated? Is this the 70s? What's going on with your guy friends? They all have discharges and bumps.

That's abnormal. Stop doing a sales pitch to hook up with girls, Gareth. I'm not. I'm just saying. What is going on? You've called me. You've sent me the photos because you think of me as a detective. I don't. What? Stop. Stop. Right now. Stop. What you were doing before, which was about me, was bad for me. But I'm telling you right now for you to stop. Deal. Deal.

So, Jenna, we have some interesting pitches on this one. We really do. We've got the take a screen grab of it and send it back, which I think is shocking. That would really stop me in my tracks. We've got right back about issues that are happening in your pants.

that they're going to go like, I don't want to hear this. And you go, well, I didn't want to hear that. And we've also got like, they just really hard, like an LOL thanks that made my day without responding to it. You also could say that you're done doing it because you misdiagnosed one of your guy friends'

who like ended up getting laser on his penis because of you. And now his dick doesn't work and you're out on, you're out of the game. Yeah. You could also do the thing that you just brought up about the bar too, and say, just so you know, in terms of my profession, um,

I'm happy to go down this road with you, but I would, if I see you on a date, it is my professional obligation to tell them. So I can't keep that a secret. I can't know these things about you. And not tell them. You just got to say, as a professional, if you've got, as you call it, the drip and I see you at a bar, I need to tell that woman that you have the drip. So I will proceed with you, but everybody needs to know that professionally, I would have to tell the partner you're with.

Or just another minor pitch on what's already been pitched. You could say, send a screenshot and I'll send it to my big doctors group chat. And send it to us. Please. Oh, you know what you could also do? Here's an idea that you could do. Do you have anybody currently writing you? Like somebody wrote you recently?

Yeah, like a few weeks ago. Okay, because there is another play and that is if I wrote to somebody, because I've got a friend who's a listener on this show, Marissa Martinez, shout out, what's up, Martinez? We went to high school together. She's a nurse. And when my kids were first born, I would text her and be like- About your dick. Yeah. I'd be like, I've been rubbing it on Garrett's head too much and now his head is rashy and so is my dick and both of our butts are dripping. Yeah.

Do you know why? And she would say, how can I block you? We have different, how do you keep getting through this when I block you? Can we keep the activities going, but get rid of the rash? Can we make no changes? I'm just bragging.

I'm enjoying my life with him. Just texting to brag. But I would text her all the time, like really specific questions and stuff like that. And she would always write back really great stuff. What if you do something different, Jenna?

And what if somebody goes like, hey, Jenna, what up? What up? Great seeing you the other night. I've got this weird bump. Do you think I'm good? What if you start scaring them and you go, oh, no, that is very bad. That will lead to, if you don't put cornstarch and toothpaste on it right now and put Icy Hot in your chote and

And what you've got to do is then you've got to put a little string around your balls and tighten it. If you don't do that right now, it could actually lead to erectile dysfunction. It could lead to a rash. And so that all these guys are doing all this weird stuff and then they go like, hey, asshole, why did you say that? You go, I'm not at work. I'm not your personal nurse. Or, or send a Venmo request every time.

Like a high roller Venmo request. That's good. A thousand bucks. That's the only thing you respond with. They send you something about their dick. You send a Venmo request. Make that clear now. Cause also, you know what? You might find yourself wanting to stay in this dynamic cause you're going to make a pretty penny. And now you're on holiday in the Bahamas. Or just send a message also on the Venmo when it says for what? Just say dick advice. Yeah.

That's true. And make it public. Make it public. Advice on your drippy dick. Yeah, drip dick. Jenna, where are you kind of at a little bit? Let's hear from you. I like the Venmo request because then I'm benefiting. Yeah, then you're in the comments. Exactly. And I like the, you know, kind of outing them on Venmo, sort of like a subtle, subtle out. Probably can't do both, but yes.

I also like the initials, like laughing, like just big caps, ha ha ha ha ha. Okay, and then if they come back again, I think that could end some friendships, but... Yeah.

Can you also scare them out in public? So rather than just threatening that you're going to, don't say something specific, but just be like, hey man, how's the bump? You know, when they're out on a date. How's that drip? How's that drip doing? You know, because that could mean jewelry, but also it could mean the little hole in the penis. You know, you could also do going off of that pitch, if I can pitch on that pitch, is if they text you, go, let's talk about it next time we're all out at the bar. That's good. Yeah.

I'm a little busy now. Spending less time on my phone. Let's talk about it next time we're all out. I'll bring it up. Are these guys all in the same friend group-ish? Most of them are. Really, honestly, if in public you went up to one of them...

and asked at a bar something like that. Yeah, what is going on with that drippy penis of yours? Did you try any creams? Yeah, be like, oh, great to see you're dating. So the drip must be gone. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have to keep it subtle. Yeah. You know what this is? That is right. They're trying to make something private. You're trying to make it public. Well, you're not their fucking doctor. So you have no oath to upkeep when they're at the bar. You know what you do? Yeah, go ahead, Jamila. I was just going to say that

My female intuition tells me that Jenna's going to take the Venmo option because she hadn't considered this and it's a whole new revenue stream and we're in a cost of living crisis. The market is down. But these fools aren't going to pay. She's going to tear up her guy friends. I think they will pay because what they're paying for is not having to go into a clinic in the first place. They're paying to not have to be seen. So Jenna, what would you charge for advice like this? What would be a number that you would feel comfortable giving advice on a drippy dick?

What? I mean, look, everybody's got a number. I've been saying that since I became a detective. What's your number? What are you talking about? A number. Jake, what are you talking about? A number. Keep going, Jenna.

I want to say like $35. Are you crazy, Jenna? I think that's good. That is crazy. I would spend $35. No, no, no. $150 minimum. No, stop. You're going to go to a wrap. I'll go to a doctor for that. If you want to send me a picture, it's double. I would ask a homeless person how my dick is for $150. Well, hold on. A lot of weird things got said just under Jake's breath there. But...

I think 150, you're saying, don't do this to me. 35, you're saying, I'm getting a revenue. Right. Yeah. I'll take myself out to dinner for this. I think it's 50 because, you know, after tax, that is a mere, what, $14? You know what I mean? After agents, managers, lawyers, me. 50? 50?

I don't know if doctors have those. We're all in the business a little too much, Jenna. Obviously, we all have those. I'm not out of touch. So, Jenna, you're comfortable with $35? Yeah.

I think I'm low-balling, but I can't really see myself charging much more. And this is the type of attitude. I'm sorry to get harsh on you now, Jenna, but this is the sort of attitude that's got you in this mess in the first place, all right? You're not valuing yourself. Cheers. A doormat is already lying down before people wipe their feet all over it, all right? Bring that price up. By the way, I got to say, I totally agree with you.

50 seems okay. 50 is the ceiling in my opinion. I agree. But if they want pictures, it's going up by 100. It's 150. If you have to look at a bumpy, drippy dick, it's 150. You've got to spend 150 bucks to look at the dick?

But, well, hold on. I do think... Wait, hold on. You're saying she's got to spend $100... Are your feelings hurt, Jake? What's going on here? You've got to spend $150. Jenna's got to pay $150 to look at somebody's dripping dick. No, she's not paying. She's not paying. Oh, she's receiving the money. I thought she was calling. She's receiving the money, Jake. Jake, are you really a detective? I honestly, real quick, Jenna, there was something subtle in what Jake said that I think is pretty good. I would go $49.99.

For sure. Or $49.95. Best buy them. Or $49.95. $49.95. Because that actually feels even different psychologically. You could do two easy payments of $24.50. I would get it. One last thing I'm going to pitch to you, Jenna, and then we've got to get to you because we've given you a lot of great pitches here. And you can get out of this, Jenna. The other thing is the next time it happens, you email it to the show.

And Gareth and I, Jamila, I'll start a text chain with us and we will just respond to the text and give it back to you. And we can do that. The three of us could text each other really fast. And then on the show, we could come back and read what happened that way. So there is a version that there's a longer play, but you've got charge, which you seem to like at 35. We're pitching $49.95, two easy payments.

talk about it in public, which is a new one that I think is really great. Bring the private public or just wait till the next time it happens. Email the show. I check the emails. I'll grab that email. I'll put it on us. The three of us will write something. We'll send it back to you. You send it to that person and we play another version of this game, which is a bit of an email game. What do you feel like doing, Jenna? Yeah, I like the latter.

You like the last one? I like leaving it up to y'all to play doctor. And listen, if you need an agent, if you need a manager, I'll start setting the prices. I'll negotiate for you. Do you know what I mean? We all need that. We need someone to be the bad guy. I like $49.99. I do too. Yeah, it's really strong. So Jenna, then tell us specifically what you're going to do. You get a text in a couple of days going like, hey girl, hey, I got a bump on my dick. What should I do? What's your response?

I think here's what I'm going to say. I'm going to say, I'd love to help you out. It is, I've like started charging for this. It's around $49.99. Or I have some other people that have been helping me out in this business and I can send them your contact information. Oh my God, Jen. It's even better than I thought. These people do it pro bono. Pro bono.

Yeah. Pro boner. I would do it. Jenna, that wasn't the pitch I was having. You just evolved it in a way that is brilliant. Because then we go to them directly through the we're here to help thing. You're going to get the money. But if you don't, boy, are we going to have a good time. We're here to help. That's right. Pro boner workers.

Jenna, it's just, you're such a whisperer and then you also, you're so in. She's a silent killer, guys. By the way, your vibe to me is I would ask you personal questions about my genitalia. I do have a question. I would. I'm like, I trust you. I think you're smart. You're cool. I'm like, I got this weird bump. I don't know who to ask. Okay, Jenna, if you get a text from Jake after this show, I want you to let us... Yeah, I need to report him. And...

Pretend it's from Gareth and report me. It's technically for both of us.

What Jake has, I have. I think it's pretty good, Jenna. It's great. It's perfect. I really think you're probably going to start generating a little income. Me too. I think Jenna's going to be on the front cover of Forbes real soon. I don't know about that. $350 later. $35, but at $49.99. But Jenna, will you...

So you, no matter what, then contact us when this happens next. Yes. Because also a big win is you just send us a Venmo where you got 50 bucks. Yeah, that's great. That feels like a bell ring, too. Absolutely. Yeah. And then everybody knows they'll start spreading it. But I think this is a very smooth, and you could send the text you send back. It could be a copy and paste. You do not change it for anybody.

You go like, hi, friend. I am no longer doing this service for free. I do charge $49.95. You can do that in one or two payments. But if you do not want to pay, I've got friends at...

Jesse, what's the name of our email again? Helpfulpod at gmail.com? Yes. Helpfulpod at gmail.com who would love to help. This is what they do. They are professional helpers. Ignore the word pod in their email. Don't be freaked out by that. These men are not smart. They're going to think it's a pod. A medical grid. Physical pod. Medical pod. Like they're space doctors? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

As he's itching the end of his cock. Katy Perry. Yeah, Katy Perry. She's in there as well. Jamila, your thoughts on that, everything that just happened with those ladies in space? I feel very good about the plan.

plan i feel as though jenna's grown even during the time of this call i think she started to realize her self-worth i think she's i think she's maturing right in front of our eyes and it's it's beautiful to see to be honest so fast your thoughts on the lady astronauts and katie perry oh my thoughts on that yeah um please it really girl

Don't you start editing. I think it's really done so much for womankind, specifically women in America. I feel different today. I don't know about you, Jenna, but I feel really empowered by the whole thing. I just love billionaires. I think they're fantastic. And I don't know what we'd do without them other than have health care.

I hope the Daily Mail is listening to this one because I think we've got another winner. Yeah, yeah. I'm really good. I also like the video. Have you seen the video of them accidentally opening the door too soon and then being told quickly to close it? And then Jeff Bezos comes back in with a wrench that he has to pretend to wrench them out of it.

and then there's videos of them in the pod and their hair is not upside down. It's down and perfect. I'm full Woody Harrelson tin hat mode. Those motherfuckers didn't go anywhere. They sat in a Tesla on the side. Wait, do you really believe this? And that cock went up empty and came down empty.

Whoa, that's the hot take. Yeah, fucking no one went nowhere. So why do you think they faked it? Why do you think they faked it? Yeah, they came up because there was some sort of... All the press. I don't know. They were distracting from my podcast, okay? They're trying to suppress my podcast. They know it's coming out. They know I'm about to launch. And so they staged a different launch to sabotage me.

You know what this reminds me of? On your Instagram, you'll do daddy algorithm doesn't like my posts. So I'm sending this so I get back on the pod. Taking my tits as a camera. Yeah. Yeah. So this was, they were doing a fake launch. To sabotage my podcast launch. Okay. They know it's going to be bad.

And they wanted to do something bigger. And, you know, I'll give it to them. They did, but it was fucking pointless. No one went anywhere, okay? They sat in a makeup trailer. They didn't have helmets on when they came down. None of it made any fucking sense, okay? You're right. You know what you could also be great at as a hot corner? Homeless person, yeah. Sorry, what were you going to say? No, somebody who just gives real hot takes.

oh yeah you got some hot takes in you that's a hot take on this i'm just gonna tease katie perry for saying like i feel connected to love or whatever she was gonna say no i know the same old territory i never even thought this was a fake i know i know johnny went up and directed it jenna what do you think about jamila's hot take

I stand with women. I'm standing with her. Then you stand with all women. You stand with women up in space. Not those women. Which women? You stand with women. You stand with all women? How about a...

How about the women up there? Are you standing with them up there? Are you floating around? Are you upside down or are you on Earth? Up where? I'm on Earth. I'm on Earth. And I don't know how she got that dandelion up there is all I have to say. Interesting. Exactly. Ladies, thank you for the call. See what's happening here? Jenna, I'm excited to be in business with you. Okay? Yeah, Jenna, let us know what happens, please. I will. Thank you, guys. Thank you. Well done.

What a hot take. I'm chronically online. Good job. Who isn't? That was great. Who isn't? What a hot take. Thank you. This is all I'm thinking about now. It was a fucking fake. It was a fake. It was so clearly a fake. What percentage do you really believe it's a fake? 95% I think it's a fake. 95%. Okay, cool. Get it.

Get into it. I'm getting into it. Look at the video of that other woman. I can't remember her name. We went to space. Shit was wild. She looked like Albert Einstein. All right. Wait, are you talking about the woman who was driving across the country? In a diaper? No. That was my favorite one. That was on hoops, Gareth.

That was that we did that. That was the best. Yeah. But it's just none of it made any sense. And some people were like, oh, Katy Perry's hair is too long. And that's why gravity, you know, gravity didn't occur to her or gravity did occur to her in spite of being in a place that had no gravity. And yet Gayle King, very short hair, also down. Nothing makes any sense. I don't give a fuck. Down is up.

By the way, all of this is... Jake, I had a pitch get moved, so I got to go. Oh, really? Yeah, so I got to run. Fine, me and Jake will just keep going. Sorry, this is all I want to talk about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. All right, I love you all. Thank you again, Jamila. Thank you for doing this. Thank you.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash heretohelppod to see our entire catalog.

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing, mix, and master by Chris Fowler. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostyke. Animations by Andrew Strzelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand-up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com. Remember, all of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

All video episodes of Season 1 are available now on Patreon, and Season 2 video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com forward slash heretohelppod. Hey Gorge, it's me Got Mick. And me, Violet Chachki. And we want you to listen to our podcast, No Gorge, now on HeadGum.

Each episode, we will be bringing you vlogs, answering burning questions, discussing what's going on right now, and diving into all things fashion, hookups, gossip, and more. With past guests such as Heidi Klum and Dita Von Teese, No Gorge always keeps things hot. Listen to No Gorge on your favorite podcast app or watch full video episodes on YouTube. New episodes every Thursday. Bye, Gorge.