176: Samples & Raised by Elves
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26. So Gareth, when you use Gemini, which we both use, what do you use it for and what do you like about it? There's sometimes like if there's a topic that I think I want to do stand up on or if there's sometimes like if I'm writing something for my other show, it's just like a way to kind of have something. It just gives you all the information and right away you go, oh, OK.

Okay, now I actually get this. Now I can personalize it. Visit Gemini.Google slash students to learn more. Terms apply. The new McCrispy Strip is here. Dip approved by ketchup, tangy barbecue, honey, mustard, honey mustard, Sprite, McFlurry, Big Mac sauce, double dipped in buffalo and ranch, more ranch, and creamy chili McCrispy Strip dip. Now at McDonald's.

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We are back, Alaska Johnson.

Butavia Gareth. That's damn right, buddy. What a name. So Rob, aka... Wait, can I tell you something first? Yeah. I got another, I got a pitch on what the fans can call themselves. Okay. Are you ready for this? Yeah. We're here-dos. Like weirdos, but we're here-dos. That's pretty good. I like that, actually. All right. Here we go. Pretty good. All right. That's all I got. Have a good day, everybody. Enjoy the show.

All right, Rob. Right before we got on, he said he's got a little video and a comment, but Gareth and I are in the dark. Yeah. And by the way, I'm doing more than my one sip of coffee, everybody. Is that right? Yeah, I fell off. As you should. I just need to say, because other people were writing in that they also do the one sip and it was working. They just want you to see them.

Fine. I see them, but I'm now telling them I fell off. It doesn't work. Are you admitting now the one sip doesn't work? Last night I was on a ship looking at orcas drinking glacier ice mixed with tequila. Oh my God. You had a tequila and glacier? And it's hard to stop.

Can I get a Tito's in Iceberg? Well, one of the things they do is they go, they pull over and they pull up some ice and then everyone's passing it around. And after it's touched everybody's hands, somebody was like, dude, it's so clear we should lick it. And I'm like, so many hands have been on it. And then one of the bartenders goes like, no, no, no, we have a thing. We're going to bring up ice and make drinks. Yeah.

But right before a bunch of people making a movie, we're all going to start licking ice. We should all share the lick. Yeah, and there was a moment where I'm like, are we going to start going around and licking this fucking thing? And you would, right? If you were fifth? You would. I would, without question. I would not. I would...

Do they? What's the theory behind this? And somebody, he's ruining the ice. Just throw it back in the water. I would have died at Jonestown so fast when they were drinking the Kool-Aid. You would have survived and I'd have been like, Jake, shut the fuck up. Drink the Kool-Aid already. This guy means it. You would have Robert from Shark Tank. You would go, I'll drink it first while I do the Kool-Man. I take it out of a couple other people's hands. Don't mind if I do. I hate so much. Just die.

Dying on my third one without it even going down. You would do it so fast that the leader would go like, slow down. People in the back aren't going to die yet. You're blowing it. You're blowing it for me. You die and other people go like, yeah, I think I'm good. And then I get up and I'm like, I'm actually okay. Die again. All right, Rob, what do we got? All right, we got a clip from Jillian Bell's episode that we got some comments on.

So let's revisit that. Who's in trouble here, me or Gareth? Gotta be you, because I might... Oh, no, maybe it is me. Yeah, let's see. Before we do this father-daughter dance, we want to throw to something really special...

That a young woman said about her dad and our man G-Man's gonna drop a beat over. So this is a conversation that really happened, folks. G-Man, take it away. The things that I love the most about my dad are that, like, he's hilarious and, like, is also, like, I mean, just so funny. But it's also, like, very... Like, I have extremely bad anxiety. And he has been, like, so wonderful with it. Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

And he's been like so... Yeah, and he's hilarious. What makes him so wonderful with your anxiety? How does he handle it? He is just like...

Pretty patient. Which, because, I mean, as you know with anxiety, it's like the most inconvenient. All right, you get the idea. I don't get the idea yet. I'm not sure. Can you post the whole thing somewhere, Rob? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's going to be stuck in my head all day.

That's catchy. This was the comment that came in. This was, and I'm not exaggerating, the worst beatboxing I've ever heard from Gareth. Sounds like he's making yum noises and having diarrhea. Even spelling my name wrong is tough, but come on. There's worse beatboxing.

That was, that, that, there is, come on now. Here, there is worse beatboxing. I'm not saying it was good. It was better than expected. The problem was, is you were so close to the mic that it sounded like farts. I will admit, in retrospect, it did sound like someone with food poisoning. Because I was listening to it first and I thought like, all right, the kid's got some rhythm. And then I went like, that sounded like a fart. We had the same experience. We had the same experience. I was like, you know what?

this is age pretty well that's not good that's not good once the farts came in it was ruined yeah it was too it wasn't it should have been more like that let's hear let's hear take two with less farts you're really weird it's

You asked for it. I know, but did something happen with your face when you beatbox? Let me ask you a question. Have you practiced in the past? You know, I'll be honest. My buddy Brett is very good at it, and I'm doing an impression of him doing it, and it's nowhere near what I should be. You know who's very good at beatboxing is Olivia Munn. Is she? Not even as a joke. Wow.

She, it was like one of those things we were doing New Girl, I think, and you know, like people go talk about random skills and she did the thing you did of like, I can beat bucks. And then at first you go, it sounds good. And then you go, it sounds like farts. I don't know. Okay. Keep going. It just feels like you, go ahead. Stand up a long story just to say that again. That's exactly what I was about to say.

I don't have an end to my original story. No, but then she crushed it in a way that was shocking. Where you're like, oh, you can actually beatbox in a crazy way. And I think you can beatbox. That's what I wanted this to be. But well, I think you were close. Well, here's what happened. Natalie and I couldn't hear it. So it's a Zoom problem.

It's a Zoom problem because we would have called that out early and said, move away a little bit. There's some fart sounds. You guys could have noted me away from the diarrhea. Yes, agreed. And now I think that is unsendable to the caller. I don't think that's fair. I think... Could you imagine that playing at a wedding? I think at a wedding, that's a good vibe. I think that's... I think you're...

Look, we're having some fun. I just don't think you're putting yourself... You've catered a lot of weddings. I mean, I think if... I would love that if I was catering a wedding. I would die in happiness. I think it would... I'm...

I don't know. I mean, maybe the people can let us know what they think, if that should be played or not, but I think it could definitely be. Can we really fast, before we go, can you take us out with a little bit more of that beatboxing? Sure, absolutely. Not you, the video. Oh. Yes, yes, yes. I don't know why you said not you like that. It was like you could have just been like Garrett. Because Rob just popped on the video. We both saw him. I didn't see. We were having a conversation. Go ahead, Rob. Willing to be like, okay, let's go walk around.

walk around. Let's go walk around. It's fine. Like, we're going to get up from this nice dinner table that we're at with our whole family and we're going to go outside and walk around. Oh my God, I love him. Yeah, and he will be like, and it's like he doesn't even... See, there's a moment. There's a moment. There's a moment or two. And without further ado, here's some ads. Jake's on the cut. Look at you relapsing. This is

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Get angry, get orchard. Please drink responsibly. This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Hero Bread. Hero Bread is awesome. It's very easy to fit into your lifestyle if you have health goals. Bread helps you pack on the pounds. Hero Bread steps in, saves you. That's why they call it Hero Bread. Hero Bread is absolutely delicious. I eat it on a regular basis.

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Rough age. Go ahead. Jump in. You know what you're doing. My name is Sarah. Hi, Sarah. Welcome to my show. Hello. I'm 41. Okay. Roughly. Sure. And I live in Georgia. Go ahead, Sarah. What's going on? All right. So this started about 10 years ago. Okay. My dad, we actually lived in a different state at the time across the country. My dad would come and visit. Okay.

And at the end of his visit, typically he would say, "Do you have a roll of toilet paper I could take?" And my husband and I were both like, "What?" I mean, sure, you can have a roll, but you don't have any toilet paper at home? And he was like, "I just don't want to stop on the way home." Like, you're totally out.

That's what you're telling me? So anyway, fast forward, we moved to the same city and, you know, COVID hit and my dad would periodically come visit and ask us for roll of toilet paper. Well, at the time, you know, COVID days, we didn't want to send to the grocery store for a roll.

Over time, it's just escalated to now he doesn't ask. He just steals toilet paper. Which is really weird stuff. It is. It does feel as weird as it gets. Your dad steals toilet paper from you. I never in a million years thought I would hear this from you at the start. Nope. He's a great dad. Great dad, great grandfather. Sure. He comes over to visit, not just for toilet paper, I'm assuming. Yeah.

Three rolls?

Shocking. Disgusting. And also, he does not have, he's not in financial trouble. You know, we'll just say that. But he'll say things like, oh, I'm just, you know, it's just me at home. I don't need to buy a whole pack. Like, a whole pack is so many rolls that he would be bombarded with toilet paper in his home. You know, with many closets.

This is wild. Okay, keep going. I mean, we'll, I think we know where we're headed. My problem is my dad is stealing our toilet paper and we would like for him to stop. Great. Is there any other backstory? No, that's great. Is there any other backstory you feel we should hear?

You know, I can say that I think my husband, we'll say he's a high-maintenance toilet paper user. So we are buying top-tier toilet paper. You know what I'm saying? It's not cheap. Multiply. You multiply. Quilted comfort. But, you know, when my dad pulls up in a new convertible and he throws toilet paper in because he doesn't want to buy it for himself,

You know, it just doesn't feel like it all adds up. Your dad has a new convertible. It's not great that he's... I mean, he's throwing the toilet paper in the car and he drives off in a new convertible. He's got all... He's saved so much money on not buying toilet paper. He's got a Corvette. If my dad was stealing my toilet paper and then had so much extra cash while me and my wife are struggling, then he...

buys a convertible with the savings? Right. I don't even know what to say. You know, he does have a pattern. Meaning what? It's not the only area of his life where he has done things like this. When I was talking to my brother, I called my brother to say,

hey, I'm going to be on this show. Yeah. And he said, oh yeah, what was the story? And I told him, you know, I was like, oh, it's the toilet paper. He was like, oh yeah, you should tell him. He hit me up for copy paper when he was here. What? Copy paper, you know, like print paper. What's going on with dad? What was dad like growing up? This is wild. He's like a paper saver. Dad's life is

Born in the Depression, raised during the Depression, had kids during the Depression. He was raised by Depression era parents. Oh, yeah. You didn't have to tell me that twice. I got that in my family. You know, I don't want to play into stereotypes. Okay? So I'm going to just... I'm just going to describe him. He's from New York. You can do some stereotypes. He's from New York. He's from New York. He, um...

as doting older parents he was an only child okay he loves a good sale and coupons and lots of bagels this is this is our this is our this is

Okay. I love that. His favorite show is Seinfeld. I mean, totally. Okay. Is his name Croco? Hey, Jake. Give me that toilet paper, honey. But I think my...

I think like you're saying, Jake, like my mother is very much like this too. My mother is like a, like wherever there's a saving, like a bit of savings to be found, she's on top of it, loves it. If she sees something like- What are you calling me, savings? All right.

Okay. So, Sarah, I got some pitches right out the gate for you. Jake, what are your wheels turning? What do you got? Yeah, I'm just thinking of Pam on top of me calling me savings. So, anyway, we will... Here's what I'm going to say, Sarah, because like you said, back on track. Like you just said, back on track. Like I just said, back on track. Exactly. Thank you. We're using it right away. Jake, Jake, Jake. Not a word for right now because I see the wheels turning in a bad direction. What are we doing here, guys? All right. Three, two, one, back on track. Sarah...

I thank you. Here's what I would say. I would. The only way to I think you've either got to let him know, you know, without confronting him or you've got to make him lose interest in your toilet paper. So, OK, I would say first option, hide it all. Just hide it all. Just don't put it where you put it now and make him go in there when he's going to steal it. Be like, what the fuck?

The other option, you're buying the fucking top tier stuff. Hide the top tier stuff and go get some of those Scots, those public restroom nightmare rolls, because I think he likes your brand. So show him that you've downgraded to the airport bathroom style toilet paper. He's going to lose interest very quickly.

And the last pitch. Wait, can I pitch on that real fast? Yeah, yeah, go. Sarah, I would go to a gas station, use the bathroom, take as much of it as you can, put it in a, like, grocery bag, and the next time you come over, it goes like this. So I'm going to steal it? Listen, listen. I'm now stealing? You might barf in your car. You might barf in your car. You're allowed to take a bunch of it.

And it's so cheap, it breaks. It's disgusting, toilet paper. So then when you get home and he comes over and goes, hey, FYI, we just got you the toilet paper so you don't have to take our new stuff. But the stuff that's for us, but we love you. Here's some toilet paper. He'll look and go, what's this? And you go, we just stole it from a gas station, but use this. And he'll go, it's paper thin.

And you go, or you could just buy your own. And he goes, buy my own. And you go, sell the convertible, you son of a bitch. Well, I think that was kind of where my last one was going, which is like,

You could have his own, like, toilet paper. You could do two things. You could have the thing that's for him in the garage now labeled, you know, Dad's TP. Or I was thinking you could just have a jar with a label on it that says the TP Fund and it's TP Tips.

And it's your way of saying, yeah, you want to come in here? You're allowed to take what you want. But, you know, it might be nice to throw a little money our way since, again, you have a convertible. I would take away the subtlety of that. And I would say when he comes over and he grabs it, you ring him up.

That'll be $50. No, not even $50. You give the exact price. But you got to pay for your gas too, so it's a bad deal. So he starts walking and he goes, hey, daddy-o, daddy-o. And he goes, yeah, sweetheart. It's $2.99 for the toilet paper plus tax takes us to $3.25 plus gasoline takes us to $4.05 plus my time takes me to $5.15 for the toilet paper. And he goes...

5.15 for a roll of toilet paper? That's a terrible deal. And you go, no, no, no, I know. But you're also, like with Instacart, you got to pay the extra stuff. And then the 10% tip is going to take us to $6 even.

And he's going to go, I'd never spend $6 for a wallet. I told the paper. And then he goes, let's just go to the grocery store and get your own. Yeah. Sell the convertible. Yeah. He doesn't need to sell the car. Every bitch he's got to sell his car. But Sarah, what do you think? So he's fine. Yeah. I wish he was calling. Cause boy, I mean, we would be like, you have no idea. You have no idea. Um,

Okay, I like all of this. What do you think? The thing is that I'm wondering if I downgrade the toilet paper that he's taking from the stash, if he's just going to take the good toilet paper from the house. You know what I mean? What do you mean? Sarah, this needs to be a confrontation. You can't just have him walk in your house taking your stash. And what happens? Guys, we've caught him. My husband caught him in the garage and he goes, hey, bud.

What are you doing? Oh my God. Like a raccoon in your trash. That feels, and I can say this as a half Jewish guy, that feels anti-Semitic here. She wasn't doing stereotypes, but your little ass took it too far. We are not raccoons in trash. We are beautiful men and women on earth. Of course you are.

And yes, some people describe us as raccoons and trash. What are you talking about? Thank you, Sarah. You're exactly right. Good Lord. Would you like another story about him giving an example of me? Yes. Obviously.

You do want another story? Yes. It was day three of Hanukkah. Okay. All right. Instead of oil, it was toilet paper. And this raccoon's running around in the trash. He'll go to an all-inclusive with empty bottles. He'll go to what? An all-inclusive? Like an all-inclusive? He'll go to an all-inclusive.

Oh, an all-inclusive resort. Okay. Resort with empty water bottles. And he will fill them up with liquor. And he will fly them home. This is next level awesome. Sarah, do we have other stories? Jake, can we just enjoy that for a minute? I love it. I just want more. So he's checking a bag. I'm as greedy with these stories as he is with his life.

So he'll fly them home and then he'll pour them into bottles. Like nicer bottles. Sometimes they're the same. Sometimes they're the same liquor. And sometimes they're a different liquor. And then he'll just put like, if it's a vodka, but inside is tequila, it'll just be like a sticky note. And he'll just say tequila. Oh my God. You know, there's a really funny account on Instagram that I followed and started DMing with the guy a little bit. I think it's called like Old Jewish Men.

And it's just this guy with a huge mustache who he's trying to sell a bunch of merch now, of course. But it started off, he would just like walk around and give his opinion on stuff and what sandwiches he likes. And lately he's all about just going to Costco and buying rotisserie chickens and saying like, where do I scan it? Where do I scan it?

Okay, I have the speaking of Costco. I do have another example. Okay, please. Samples. Samples.

All right. He got a part-time job at Costco. Oh, God. For like four or five months. And it was just to get all of the bins that the wine came in. What? What do you mean? What do you mean? What are you...

He's like obsessed with the wine boxes, like the free wine boxes that all the wine comes in. So he was working in the wine section and he would get the free box. We have like Jesus boxes. You mean like the wood, like crates? Yes. Yes. He got a job.

At Costco. So he could get... He said he was bored. For five months, he worked there just to get wooden crates at Costco. This is a character I'm born to play in 25 years. This is without question. The part you're born to play. Samples the man. Samples. Gareth, I also got to say for a second, and I'm sorry, Sarah.

You're doing great. Thanks. What a great show we've created. It's just, it's endless. It's so fun. It's I'm on four hours of sleep. I wasn't feeling it. I was like, do I call and cancel? I'm not sleeping in Alaska. The sun never goes down. Oh man. These callers, Sarah, you're part of the savvy. You're part of it. Holy cow. Do the callers make this show special? Sarah,

Do you got any other stories? No, you're making my day. Oh, you're making my... I have too many stories. So I don't know how we're going to... I don't think I'm doing my job, though. Yeah, well, it's hard. You see how we get in the muck on this a little bit. But one last story, and then we'll try to... This is such...

I don't even know how to pitch on it. Maybe the pitch on this is, can we get him on the show? I honestly, I hate to say it. I'm starting to just be like, let this man cook. Me too. And I think talking to him would be awesome. Just not even to like, not even to intervene. Just to peel the onion for a while. Yes. Yeah. My friends used to say that he was the real life Larry David and that if he ever watched

much pervy enthusiasm, he would be like, I don't get it. Like what is weird about anything in his life? So here's what I think, Sarah, I got a real pitch for you. I think what we need to create. So you obviously adore the man. You find him really funny. I do love him. He is amazing. My dad was an incredible character, not cheap, but so funny. And I will say to get a little sentimental, there is a moment where these guys go and

And when they go, there's not many more of them. They're not being built like this anymore. This is a very specific type of person that we're losing. These characters are so great.

And once that whole generation is gone, there's not like a new group of 13 year olds who are eventually going to be samples. They're going to be something totally different. That's fair. And so what I would say is let's lean into the game of samples, but let's buy and mess with them.

you know, really cheap brands of toilet paper, but put it in an expensive outer. So get the good stuff and have the bag for you guys. But then where, you know, he just steals, put the cheapest toilet paper so that samples thinks he won, gets home, wipes his butt and goes like,

Wow, it's like sandpaper. I love it. I also think why not have your brother take a ream of printing paper and just wet it, let it dry in the sun, and then put that in the original packaging too so when he gets home it looks like old treasure maps.

And he's like, what am I going to do? And I think Jake's right. And I think that the celebration of samples is maybe the right direction. And might I take us a step further and suggest that when you're catching samples in some samples moments, film him.

Film him in his element. Film him in the garage stealing your toilet paper. Send it to us and let us create the lore on our Instagram of Samples the legend. That's right, Sarah. Can you... And you can do it really easy. None of these are sponsors, but like a ring camera. So this stuff is getting so cheap now that you could get this stuff and motion sensor record...

Let's get a lot of footage of samples stealing. Oh, my God. Or even just have it. Or just living. Yeah, and just living. And just picking his brain a little. Just being like, sit down with him and say, you know, what is it about my brother's printing paper? And just have him kind of own it. I have an idea. I have an idea. Sarah, I'm going to pitch another thing to you.

Okay, tell me. Could you tell samples that there's this new free service? And what the service is, is it's these guys who do a podcast not named Piggly and Moe. No, they pass. And what they do is they... They pass, obviously. What they do, because you paid for this, they interview parents...

to record their history so that it could be passed on. And then we could sit and have an interview with you on it too, where we all ask samples of questions and you go like, dad, will you just do it for me? It's just, I want to record some of this stuff and we could then say to him, and guess what? If it's anything like my dad, he's got to love the attention.

Yes. And he's going to go like, it's like when I used to hang out with my dad, we used to do a thing where it was pre-We're Here to Help, but I just pretended I was a podcast host. And I'd go, Dad, walk me through 1964. What were you doing? And he wouldn't even realize it was a weird transition. And he'll go...

In 1964, I was out of college. I didn't know what I was going to do. Oh, he loves to talk about his wife. Of course. Then you go, tell me about 1969. My hair was down to my ass. It was the era of free love. Walk me into 1985. Yeah, first thing I'm going to say is kick in.

Are you going to weasel into like, so tell me about your toilet paper addiction. Yes, of course. We're going to get to all of it. Why don't we do? Because here's the thing. He's going to know. He'll sniff that out. Of course he will. He's no dummy. And then I'm in trouble. No, you're not. No, you're not. But you know what? We're going to do it subtly. This is what I would say. Let's split it.

Let's make it so you, I would say if you and your husband at times when he's going in the garage, just put the phone in your pocket, hit record, walk in there and just go, what's going on? We can use that. And then maybe we do do like a special for Patreon where you come up with five or six stories and you and him come on and you sort of pimp him into these. And then, yeah, we just pick his brain as far as what he was thinking. These moments that sound amazing.

The thing is that he doesn't know that this is weird. In his world, like he can show up in an Armani suit and a Jag convertible and still just take toilet paper. And it's like, yeah, this is what people do. Look, like most legends, he's not going to fit into a nice little bin. He's not where Costco keeps the wine. Right.

He's not, it's not that simple. So I think instead of us trying to put the fuse out, I think we want to light the wick a little bit higher and see what this firecracker could do.

So should I just keep him given in my first class toilet paper? Is that what you're saying? Well, I think you want to, yes. And I think you want to film him. And I think you want to ask what it is about your toilet paper. Yeah. But I think, Sarah, the pitch is what we do at first is we set up some cameras. We catch a raccoon in his natural habitat. I think we switch out the good from the bad, but we set traps. Like if you got a rat in your attic,

The first thing you don't do is just say, like, get out. You got to put a little peanut butter in a cage and we got to start setting him up a little bit. Yeah. You're going to be saving money by letting him steal the bad stuff. But he's a wily son of a bitch. Raccoons don't go away easily. He sure is. He's going to find a way through it. He knows where the hot dogs are. Title of your memoir.

And then what we got to get to is we got to get to a long-form interview that who knows where we could use it. It'll for sure go on Patreon, but it might be a Wednesday episode. Yeah, it could be. Who knows? We'll find it. We just want to meet samples. I know we will have fun doing it. We want to meet samples. And so Sarah...

How do you feel? Do you feel like you have a solution? Are you happy you called? I feel like I've lost and I've won, you know? I think the truth is that... That's everybody, including us. I think what happened on this call is that... That's even rabbit grin, our producers. I think you solved a problem we didn't know we had.

Okay, perfect. What was that? We didn't have samples in our life, and now we need him. Oh, excellent, excellent. Okay, I love it. We all need a sample. Yeah, so why don't we just start getting some video, and then we'll set up a very special samples. Okay, I love it. Sounds great. Samples sale. Samples sale.

Samples for free. It's nice to hear that the stories are as shocking as they seem to be to me. They're wonderful. You know, but I'm living it. It's one thing to, like, when I go to hotels, I'll, like, fill up my portable water jug in the gym. And to me, that's kind of quirky and funny. Sure.

To go to an all-inclusive resort with empty water bottles, fill everything with liquor, and fly home with it, and then sometimes pour it in a vodka bottle and label it tequila. That's Hall of Fame stuff. I'm going to give a quick Krakow connection to samples in terms of unbelievable characters that you can't believe what's happening, but when it's over, you wish there was more.

My father's name was Crocco, or his nickname was. And as kids, Crocco Shit. And when we said, as little boys and little girl as my sister, we said, why did they call you Crocco, Crocco? He said, because I was in a band called The Shits. There was Crocco and Fullo and Tubbo, and we were The Shits. Like the Marx Brothers. Yeah, and he said...

I was the singer. I had a long head, a mustache. We would play concerts. We were at University of Illinois. It was fun. So for years, whenever it would come up, you'd go, Krakow is because he was in a band, the shits. It wasn't. Oh, my God. And then towards the end of my dad's life,

We just got a little bit more sentimental and things changed at times. There'd be moments of clarity and truth. And I was in Chicago and my brother and I were hanging out with Crocco and we always would do games and mess with him. He would never know it, but he would love the attention. And out of nowhere, he goes, my brother goes, well, that probably reminds you of the time you were in the shits. And my dad goes, I was never in the shits. And I go, what do you mean? And he goes, there was no band. That was a lie.

And we go, what? He goes, I just lied about that. And we said, why? And he goes, I don't know. And we go, why was your nickname Crocker Shit? And he goes, because everybody thought I was a crocker shit. That means a liar. And my brother and I looked at each other, couldn't process it, and just went, great, what are we eating for lunch? And we all moved on. We didn't have any follow-up questions. 35 to 40 years of lying. People.

Because I was a crock of shit. Full of lies. The idea that he's done a 35-year lie and doesn't know why his name's Crocco. What? When he lied to us, when it started, I was five, my brother was nine, my sister was eight.

And we're all going like this. Pretty cool. Don't even really know what a band is. Dad, when you were in the shit, probably reminds you of when you were in the shits. I was never in the shits. But he said it so patty. He was like, he's too old. He's 80 years old. He goes like this. I was never in the shits. But the band, I was never in a band. And we sat there and my brother and I were like, what is happening? What?

Hey, just call me that because I was a liar. Crack of shit. And then one of us, we're like, Art, should we get some lunch? He's like, yeah, any way you boys want. I'm happy to. Oh, my God. Never had a follow-up question with it. If I could have got it on film, Sarah, this goes back to samples. I wish I had it. Oh. Oh.

Well, thank you for the call. We love samples. Thank you, Jake. My real advice, film it, film it, film it, film it, film it. Yeah. Let's preserve this. He belongs in a museum and let's set up a very special samples. We will do it on Patreon no matter what. And most likely we will release some of it on a release. Or we'll release it on a Friday. Do three. Yeah. Whatever. Yeah. Yeah.

Crocko's back. Because it's just a stupid podcast. It's not even real life. Garrett, I'm talking on a Zoom. You're so little. I can't even see your little girly girlies. Oh, my gosh. Sarah, thank you for the call. Thank you, Sarah. Thank you guys so much. Bye, bud. Bye. Holy shit. What world are we in, Garrett? What are you in? Did we die and we're in heaven? This isn't a real show. This is paradise. Are you okay, Garrett?

Samples is incredible. I think Garrett's not breathing. He loves Samples as much as me. I love Samples and I love Croco and the combination has really, I don't know, it's like baking soda and vinegar inside of my heart. What are we, I mean, if we were in a bar doing this, we'd be like, best night ever. Oh my God. That is so fucking, Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ.

Hello. Hi. Hi, how are you? I'm doing good. How about you? I'm not gonna lie, caller. I'm a little rattled because we just did some Patreon stuff. And what I ended up reading with Jake was a fan fic scene that started out wholesome with Jake having to take care of my cat as I went and did stand-up dates.

Only to realize it was actually a love story between Jake and my mother and I read my mother. Anyway, join our Patreon. Can we get you available? I've got some horrible news for you. It's a nightmare. Can we get your name, please? Sure. I'm going with the name Christine for this.

Christine for this. And your rough age for this, please, Christine? I'm 28. And Christine, where are you potentially calling from or just name a city for your safety? I'm in Manhattan, Kansas. In Manhattan, Kansas. Okay, Christine, 28, Manhattan, a lot of that might be fake, doesn't matter. What can we help you solve today?

Okay. So the essential situation is I'm a perpetually single woman, but this is not a dating question. I have a steady friends with benefits type situation with a guy who I'm going to call Alex. And he, you know, he's just a couple of years older than me, totally normal guy, but we do a lot of role play stuff in the bedroom. Okay.

And basically, I'm a huge nerd. He's not. He's like a normal kind of masculine dude who has like very stereotypical manly hobbies. And I would really like him to role play as Aragorn from the Lord of the Rings. But I know he hasn't seen the movies or read the books. And I know he'll agree if I ask him, but I don't I don't want him to fuck the character up. Interesting call.

So your main worry is that the performance of the Lord of the Rings character wouldn't be up to snuff. Yes. I don't know the character. Can you tell me about him a little bit? And Natalie, can we see an image of him? But before we do that, Christine, do you mind talking about what you like? His name is Aricorn.

Aragorn. Aragorn? A-R-A-G-O-R-N. And so he's like descended from like the kings of the past, and he's like a human, but will live to like a long age. That is hot. He was raised by elves, but he's not an elf. Mm-hmm.

He's a direct descendant of the man who previously defeated the big bad in the books. So he has to like kind of hide his lineage or the enemy is going to like come after him and try and kill him. That's cool. Have you watched Lord of the Rings with him?

No, that's the thing. We don't really hang out apart from sex. So I feel like it would be really unhinged to be like, hey, come watch this like three movie epic with me. Oh, I see this guy. Who is it? Yeah. Yeah. Right. That's what's his name? His name is. OK. Long haired. Viggo Mortensen. Yeah. So long haired hunk with a leather jacket and a sword.

Yep. And he's a badass. Absolute badass. But he comes from elves.

sure but well he's not descended from elves his father died and he was raised by elves yeah but i will say this in natalie's search history because we can see her thing the the original tab is aragon sexy i mean i have to show the sexiest pictures of him for you to get the idea or you've searched this before i approve yes yeah are you trying to play arwen are you is this like the whole thing

I'm not trying to play Arwen, but I also, it's probably kind of weird, but I don't want to step on Arwen's toes in the fantasy. So like maybe if we could do it like before he's King of Gondor, maybe when he's like Strider, he's off being like sexy ranger of the North, patrolling lands and protecting them from evil. And you guys are doing this in apartment?

Yes. I'll tell you one thing that nobody seems as interested in this thing as me, and I'll drop it if nobody bites on this, but this guy was raised by a bunch of elves. He was raised by them, but he's genetically a badass. Yeah, but that's like a, I don't know, maybe that could get in the bedroom. Maybe there's something there.

That he was raised by elves? What, they can make gifts for Christmas? What are you pitching? I honestly don't know. I think that's the weirdest part about the character. What, like he would speak in Elvish? You know, I got to be honest, I don't know. Here's what I see. Here's what I see. A long-haired hunk with a sword and a leather jacket and the cool gloves with the fingers cut off. So I know that. I get that guy. He kills bad guys. Yeah, that's hot. But I'll tell you where the role play could get fun.

Flashbacks to his childhood. - What do you put? You want to have elf parents show up? - I want Christine, you to be his first love affair and you be his aunt's friend and he just turned 18 and you're an elf. - Okay, so like... - I don't want you to do this. This is a terrible idea.

I think you've got to say, next time you come over, I'm down to have fun and do our evening, but you've got to watch this with me, and then watch it and go, I want you to pretend to be him. Or I think what you say is you go, look, I really love doing this with you, but there is one character I want you to play, but it actually means a lot to me.

So I need you to maybe watch the movie from it and take it seriously because that'll really turn me on. Something like that. Christine, what if we did it via text? If we did it via text? Here's what I mean by that. You say to him, let's say you guys are going to see each other next Friday. Say, excited to see you Friday at 1 a.m. or whenever he comes over.

and you go, hey, let's plan the game on this one before and just do it throughout the whole thing. No even greeting. Just come in and we'll just start the game. Okay. And then his thought will be, sure. What's the game? Send him this image and say, you're this from Lord of the Rings and then go. Aragorn. Aragorn. Say, if the voice and character aren't spot on,

I'm not finishing the deal. Yeah. I mean, I think the main issue isn't even like, cause he probably doesn't really need to know the lore, but like people in Lord of the Rings, they kind of like talk differently. I don't want to say like Shakespearean cause it's not that dramatic, but it's kind of a little more like flowery and dramatic than normal people talking. You know what I'm going to ask, right? Maybe. Let's hear it. Yeah. Yeah.

I have to... Well, it's like, surely you know the scene where, like, that everyone makes memes out of, where it's like, I will take the ring to Mordor, and, like, you have my sword, and everyone's all dramatic and, like, kneeling on one knee. And they just use a lot more... They don't use, like, contractions. Like, they don't say...

what they would say what is what is this what do your elf eyes see you know so he needs to show up in a costume and no contractions kind of yeah i i think i like the idea of maybe texting it to him like jake's sort of saying i think it might be a good way to just sort of i look i think if it's important and he knows that and it's like sexually important that helps

I do too. I mean, it's... Don't bring up the elves. So tell me again the roadblocks, because I don't think this is that hard to just say, let's play the game. I don't think he'd want to watch The Lord of the Rings. All right. He doesn't seem to have any interest in that stuff. And I worry that if I ask him to do this, it's like giving him homework. Right.

It's like, who wants to do sex homework? Like a nurse is easy. All right. I got a pitch then. Okay. How about after the next, next time you guys hang out, you do the sexy nurse or whatever he wants. The male brain is fairly fried after this moment. And that's when you hit him with it. You say, Hey, next time there's something I want you to do.

But it kind of, I need you to really get it right because that'll be the best version of it for me. I want, you know, kind of hit him with this. Okay. But I think she's saying she doesn't want him to do the homework on it. Yeah, but you don't even have to. Well, I only want him to do the homework.

I want him to want to do the homework, but I don't want to like make him do homework because that's going to make it really unsexy. He's not going to do the homework. If you don't assign him the homework, he's not going to do the homework. Well, maybe what you could say is maybe you could text him, what's your biggest turn on? Okay. And then when he says, what's yours? You say, yes.

Having sex with a guy whose role playing is this and can kind of do the voice. Yeah, I think that's pretty good. Because then you're not saying watch the whole movie. Just Google the guy. Just go on YouTube. Do the voice a few times. He knows you're not... When you're being a nurse, you didn't go to nursing school. And you could even just send him a clip from YouTube. And just be like, like this. Somebody who does something like this and then...

He'll go, all right, I've already done the homework. I watched the YouTube clip. Yeah. And then you could also just put disclaimer, he was not raised by elves.

You're not. But he was raised by elves. I know, but we don't want him to know that. He'll get hung up like Jake. And it'll change the character. He'll come in with bells on his shoes. It'll be a fucking nightmare. It'll just dramatically change the character. Yeah, this guy hates elves. But you just do that. I think that's pretty good. I think if you just say something like that, you send a clip and you're just like, this is what I want. This guy. What do you think, Christine? Okay. So just like find some sort of like...

hot YouTube compilation. Yes. Just Aragorn being sexy. What if we did this really fast? Natalie, can you get on YouTube and see if somebody's already cut a hot YouTube thing? I'm sure somebody has. Yeah. So let's see if there's one that exists. If I can find my favorites. Yeah.

Yeah. She signs in under Eric Gornography. Why are you sending us a Vimeo link? We asked for... This was edited by you? Okay, here we go. I didn't put the sound on because it was intense. Let's hear a little sound. We got to hear the way he talks. Oh, boy. Okay.

And then for anybody who wants to see this at home, it's on YouTube. Aragorn's best moments. I'm sure I'm saying that name incorrectly. Yeah. You're not. You said it right. Aragorn. Hey, pretty good. Oh, wow. Okay. We're watching the clip. He's fighting a storm. Elijah Wood, I believe. He's taking off his aura ring.

Had an orgasm. He came for taking his ring off. And Aragorn's out there with the sword, or no, the fire fighting. But if I'm watching this, I don't know what I'm supposed to do in the role play. I agree. I'm going to come in with a torch. I'm lost. We're just seeing him. He's, I got to see him talking. Here we go. He's going to talk here. Okay, now we're at minute 218. He doesn't talk that much. That's why I don't. That's why he's a hot man. That's good for role playing. I would have gone with you to the end. Ooh.

Into the very fires of Mordor. Okay. He's touching a lady's breasts. Or Elijah Woods. I think that's Frodo. He's touching Elijah Woods' boobs. He's going to kill Frodo. Frodo can't get his whopper out of his pants. Run! It's not a whopper. I call swords whoppers. I'm calling anything whoppers. I agree. Even the sandwich from Burger King. Okay, so here we go. He's a hunk.

Yeah. But he doesn't say a lot, which I think is good for this. He doesn't talk that much. Yeah, not a big talker. When you first meet him, he's like literally just like in a corner in a room being really like quiet and weird and mysterious. So then you just need the outfit. So he doesn't talk enough to blow it. All he's got to say is like, hello, get in the bed. I was raised by elves.

No, sorry. I didn't mean to bring that up. I was raised by normal people. It's a weird part of my past. Not only was I raised by some elves, there were tens of thousands of elves and me. I was the largest. I was big. I didn't date in that world, obviously. What do you think, Christine? It feels like...

Feels like we're kind of right there. I would have the outfit picked out and just give it to him and then just be like, next time, come over in this. He's not a chatterbox, but he talks softly. Send him one clip where he's talking a little bit.

Tell us what we're missing, Christine. I think you should just give him lines to memorize. Give him a script. Write a script? Five lines. No, just give him five lines that he can pull from and then say, don't deviate. Sorry, I finished so quickly. Whatever you're going to wear, you need to send a picture or something because there's got to be some incentive here.

Okay. Yeah. So like I could do a really sexy outfit and be like, but you only get this if you're Aragorn. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Because otherwise there's no motivation, especially if he doesn't like this. He's not going to even know what you're talking about. My outfit doesn't make sense if he's not Aragorn. Unless you're, that's a nail. So if you're willing, I'll wear this and play this role. If you wear that and play that role.

I think that would work really well. That's a way to make it a lot less like I'm just giving him sex homework. Great. Christine, this is a win. Follow up with us. Okay, absolutely will. And Nat Attack, that's another victory for you. I mean, I'm not going to ring the bell early, but we can see what happens. You want a bell ring already, Natalie? No, we should have a different Nat Attack bell. Yeah.

She should just have a sound effect like a panther. I was thinking the same thing. I was thinking like a... Yeah. Wow. Wow. That attack. All right, Christine, thank you for the call. Thanks, Christine. Yeah, thank you guys for your advice. Appreciate you. Producer Sherlock here. This next call is a follow-up from episode 164, A Wig on a Wig. Hello?

Hi. Hi there. Welcome back to We're Here to Help. Thanks. I'm so excited to be here. Well, we're excited to hear who you are, what your original problem was, and where we led you and what ended up happening. So can we get your name again? Yeah, my name is Gemma. Hi, Gemma. Any idea, Jake? I remember the name Gemma. I remember the name Gemma, too. What was the original issue, Gemma?

Uh, the original issue was, um, I wore wigs and I was going on a work trip and I didn't know how to convey to others. Sweet American girl doll. Uh, yeah. And you came to one of my shows, didn't you Gemma?

I did. Yeah, my husband and I, we went to your show. Yeah, in Virginia Beach. Yeah, it was great. Virginia Beach. Yeah, that was a nightmare. GarethReynolds.com. That was a nightmare. Oh, Gareth. What? The promotion machine now. No, it was great. It was great. The milkman, the old man in the front. Oh, that was the old guy in the front. Jake, I wish you were there. So, okay, Gemma, what was the advice you ended up taking? Because you were wearing a wig that you...

you kind of had painted yourself into a corner by wearing a wig and Jake made the comparison to the all-American doll. Is that what it was, Jake? Gemma has great curly hair. Yes. In real life, so there's not a hair issue. Okay. And then for some reason you put a wig on during Zoob's that made you look like an American girl doll. And then you were... What do I do now? I spent like $400 on these wigs and now you are going to like Florida or New Orleans or someplace really humid. Yeah.

and you were like should i wear the wig and gareth was really sweet and said like who cares do what you want and i was saying yeah until you jump in a hot tub jake's biggest fear is always well how does it translate to the tub what about the tub that's my merch what about what happens when you jump in a tub

So Gemma, think long term. I'm the back. Think long term kid. So Gemma, walk us through. What was our pitch that you liked? What'd you do? Where are we at here, pal? The pitch that I liked was just fully embrace being the wig lady. Just kind of lean into it. Yes. Lean into it. Embrace it. And that's exactly what I've done. Great. So walk us through it.

Yeah. So I, I went on the work trip, um, and probably nobody cared at all that I was wearing a wig. She didn't jump in the tub, did you? Jake, she didn't jump. No, there's no tub. Was there a tub? She said that being said, we had the real connection right there. Uh-huh. Yeah.

Yeah, there were no tubs, no pools. Since I have embraced being a wiglety, I did wear like different styles. And so obviously I think people kind of knew that I was wearing wigs. But yeah, I've fully embraced it. I've got way more than I should now. Also, my husband has been incredibly supportive. I sent you guys some photos of my husband also wearing some wigs.

Oh, wow. So this is a household thing. Oh, wow. He looks like he teaches philosophy at Brown. Yeah. All right. Oh, good Lord. Hey, Gemma, this whole thing is going a little sideways here, pal. Yeah. Jake. Yeah. We're now. So your husband is wearing, we'll post these obviously, but your husband, these are longer haired wigs and.

Your husband has a beard. You know, he looks like he followed the Beatles. Yeah. He does. Yeah.

He does. And I've joked he definitely looks better in some of those wigs than I do. Okay. So now we're a wig house, and I can tell Jake is – Jake's obviously more – I think Jake's more concerned. And I know what he's going to say. He's going to say this is the world that I built with Gemma. And you know what, Jake? We love it. This is a Gareth world. And so Gareth, because we're a team, ring the bell, babe. Gemma, is it a bell ring? Yeah.

Yes, it is. And then, Gemma, I got a question for you. You got any pets in that house? We do. Yeah, when I originally called in, we had four dogs. Now we have six. So, yeah, definitely lots of pets in the house. Hey, you mind putting the wigs on those dogs and sending in some photos?

You might do it. Hold on. Now, can you do something for us, Gemma? Your Christmas card, your holiday card. Can you put wigs on all the dogs, you and your husband, and send a photo?

I mean, first of all, show you, you've added two dogs and nine wigs. The sweeping in this house must be increasing 150%. How about this, Garrett? Just imagine what two years is going to be from now. Oh my gosh. 500 dogs, 82 wigs. She's going to be making wigs out of dog hair. She's like, it's fine. Showing up to work parties as the Yeti.

i went to her work trip i just shaved a poodle put it on my face then she jumps in the hot tub and comes out bare and gareth is going to go just follow your own lead if you want to be a bearded you need to be you lean in okay just lean in but i'm going to tell you what i'm about stats and i'm about results and this is a bell ring and so therefore this is wonderful

But will you do that, put everybody, the dogs and everyone in a photo and send it to us and maybe do that as soon as you can and we can throw that at the end of this and it'll be on the Instagram and the website and all that? Yeah, of course. Absolutely. Thanks, guys. That means a lot. I would say follow up again, but for God's sake, Gemma, what can we possibly follow up with? Just more wigs? I think it would be fair to have a quick wig update in maybe a few months. Yeah.

My husband has joked that maybe he would call in asking for advice on how to get me to stop buying wigs. Right. So maybe he's our lawyer for

No, we're not going to take a call, Gemma. To be honest, it feels stagey. It feels stagey, exactly. Don't produce, Gemma. You just keep wearing those wigs and shining on you crazy diamonds. She is producing dog's wigs. She is. She absolutely is producing a lot of hair. Your husband's going to call in with a staged call wearing a full wig, and Gareth is going to go, let me pitch on that. Look, I think put one on the front, too. Cousin it.

The only way now is maybe turn the wig the other way and see what happens. Turn the wig the other way. Well, Gemma, congratulations. Thank you for the call. Well, then going to you, Gemma, just to kind of take us out. Are you glad you called the show? How are you feeling? Absolutely. I'm so glad I called. Thank you guys so much. Thank you, Gemma. But Gemma, before we go,

Let's make this about us. If you were going to give us a one out of 10, and I'm not talking about for your entertainment value, because I think a lot of people in the listeners are confused and they think this is just for pure entertainment. It's not. How dare they? This is an advice show. Yeah. Was Gareth, and my advice, mostly Gareth, but we piggyback on each other. We get there together. It's our process. We decided to say, even though clearly I didn't, I was screaming about take your wig off. Screaming. Really, Eat and Grow. Oh.

But we decided to say, just be a wig family and put the wig on the husband and everybody. Has this, your original call, has the question been answered in a satisfying way? Pretend this is customer service. You got one out of five, one being the worst, five being the best. How would you grade your servers today at this, Benihana? Five out of five.

Great. Send that to corporate, Gareth. Yeah, we're going to pass it up the chain. This is going to go all the way to Mr. Hanna. Or his beautiful wife, Betty. Thanks for the call, Gemma. Thanks so much. Bye, guys. Appreciate it. Good luck with those dogs.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash heretohelppod to see our entire catalog.

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing, mix, and master by Chris Fowler. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostyke. Animations by Andrew Strzelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand-up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com. Remember, all of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com forward slash here to help pod. Hi, I'm Jessie Klein. And I'm Liz Feldman. And we're the hosts of a new HeadGum podcast called Here to Make Friends. Liz and I met in the writer's room on a little hit TV show called Dead to Me, which is a show about murder. But more importantly, it's also about two women becoming very good friends in their 40s. Which can really happen. And it has happened.

- It's true. - Because life is imitated art. - And then it imitated life. - Time is a flat circle. - And now. - We're making a podcast that's about making friends. - And we're inviting incredible guests like Vanessa Barry. - Wow, I have so much to say. - Lisa Kudrow. - Feelings, they're a nuisance. - Nick Kroll. - I just wanted to say hi. - And Matt Rogers. - I'm like on the verge of tears. - So good. - So good to join us and hopefully become our friends in real life? - Yeah, take it out of the podcast studio and into real life.

Along the way, we are also going to talk about dating. Yep. Spousing. True. Parenting. Uh-huh. Careering. Yeah. And why we love Thelma and Louise, and it's the greatest movie of all time. Shouldn't need to be said. No, we said it. It's just a true thing. So please subscribe to Here to Make Friends on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And watch video episodes on YouTube. New episodes every Friday.