22: Advantage Jackie with Bert Kreischer
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We got a great

Today, we've got a very special guest that we are thrilled about. He brought us together for his show, Something's Burning. Mr. Bert Kreischer, America's best friend, the machine himself. He's got multiple specials on Netflix, Razzle Dazzle. He's got Secret Time. I mean, truly one of the more prolific stand-ups and podcasters. And everyone who meets Bert loves Bert, so we were lucky to land him for this episode. He's so funny on it.

Yeah, he is. You see how his brain works in this so well. That's what's kind of interesting about this show is you see people's problem solving ability and Burt is

He's a pitcher. Kevin pointed it out. What were you saying that you liked so much about this one, Kevin? He laughs when the caller says hello. It just gets started. So yeah, he fit in fantastically and we're very lucky to have him. Thank you guys so much for listening and telling your friends. We appreciate it and enjoy the show.

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Hi. Hi there. Thank you for calling the show. We're here to help. Instant chuckles from Bert. Yeah, I'm not going to lie. You're not only getting the expertise of Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds, but on this call, we have the, I mean, truly a man who needs no introduction, but I'll give it anyway. One of the greatest comedians working today, podcasting.

podcast guru and advice giver for right now, Bert Kreischer is also joining. So you're getting three all-star experts. But before we get into that, can we get your name, real or fake age and where you're calling from? Oh, my name is Jackie and I'm 38 and from Houston, Texas. What can we do for you, Jackie? What's the problem?

Okay, so I live behind a relatively new church, and they have some really nice facilities. And within

The last year and a half or so, they put in like a pickleball court. Are you familiar with pickleball? Oh, yeah. Yeah, we're older white guys. We know pickleball. Okay, so like normally— Wait, pickleball's not for younger black guys? No, no. Oh, they're marketing this game all wrong. They're going after young black guys for sure. Cool 15 to like 21. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool hip people. All right.

Okay, Jackie, so there's a pickleball has opened at the church behind you. Right, and during the day, it's fine. People are there playing pickleball, and it's normal noise. But the problem is at night, usually they shut down the pickleball court, but there are people who come who are not affiliated with the church, like guerrilla pickleball players, and they will play late into the night, and it is...

Like we've emailed the church and they're like, oh yeah, nobody's there. And we're like, oh, there are definitely people there playing pickleball very, very loudly. Oh, I already know that this is a huge problem. This is the biggest problem with pickleball. Just the same way that introducing water to Americans in the 1800s in Florida created even more mosquitoes. This is the biggest problem in America right now.

And what you need to do is you need to become an American guerrilla warfare artist. You need to find some way to sabotage this pickleball court. So they used to have the same problem with basketball courts back in the 80s, and then they just put the bar. You remember the thing that you'd put on the steering wheel? They'd put that over the thing. The guy would get up in his thing and just put it over the hoop so you couldn't play basketball. And it did make it harder to play basketball.

But you're also talking about the original Karen. Yeah. Because, yes, Bert, you're right. But what we're telling Jackie to be is to just Karen pickleball and find a way to sabotage. But we're on her team. I'm on her team. I'm on her team. We're with you, Jackie.

The level of which you sunk your teeth into this one immediately. So basically what we're going to pitch on, I guess, is ways for you to fight the guerrilla warfare on your home turf. Yes. Right. Right. How do you become the person who one day said, hey, just put a big plank of wood over the hoop and people will not enjoy the game of basketball so much. How do we neuter pickleball at night?

um, which is a tough one because I actually don't have a ton of familiarity with the sport. Jake, you got something. It's like, it's like, uh, just so you can see it. It's like tennis meets ping pong, right? So it's on a tennis court, but it's smaller. There's more of a ping. It's like a plastic ball, but that's the game. It's a net. It's a smaller thing. And they're playing in that space. I got a question for you, Jackie.

Um, just cause I'm trying to think of how to ruin it. Right. And one way to ruin something, if you're, if a bunch of friends and I said, Hey, let's go play pickleball. Let's do it after the kids go to bed. Let's go 10 to midnight, you know, really fun. We're excited to do it. Well, the, the wrong music would kill the vibe.

Is there a world where you can talk to other neighbors and you guys blast something without disrupting other people's lives so that there's music at a certain volume playing and it's a certain type of music that ruins the vibe of pickleball? Absolutely. We have speakers in the back of our house and we've thought about, we can actually tell Siri to

say things to them so we could say things to them or we could play music if you've got some suggestions that would be amazing. No, no, no. I'm going to jump right in and say music is not... You can't fight fire with fire. You're trying to combat noise with more noise. It's tough. And you just got...

Keep going, Gareth. I got some ideas. I'll throw one out there and Bert, give you a second, even though I could tell you are hot. You're like an idea geyser. This is my... I love this. This is the thing that will keep me up at night. If I was going to solve mysteries, it would be mysteries to guerrilla warfare in your neighborhood. Okay, this is great. I'll throw out one and then Bert, blow me out of the water. Speaking of water, that's my pitch.

You go out there and at 9 p.m. you soak the court.

You, it's not going to have, there's no long-term damage. I think it would dissuade people from playing on a wet court just because you are that. I remember when I used to play basketball, if it was raining, I would really second guess whether or not I wanted to have a game. So I'm going to say water, no long lasting damage in the eyes of the Lord. I think you're still okay. He created the element for the love of Pete. But Bert, what do you got? Talk to us. I would hear as a person who used to play pickleball at night.

So when we were on tour during the pandemic, every night we would set up a court at like 2 in the morning and we would play until like 6 in the morning. I know. So like I am the enemy. I am the enemy. You are. But that's good. We have insight into the mind of the enemy.

The number one thing you need to do is blind one of the opponents so they can't see the ball. That's great. You need high energy lights and you need them angled at a level where one person can't play a fair game.

That's great. I got to say, what we do great on this show is give options. And every now and then you just go, well, we have it. I mean, I really. But Garth, I think you're right too, man. Because here's what I will say. You think a couple elements? Well, when you say pickleball and you say earlier, it's for older guys. Well, one of the big fears as you get older is injury. Injury.

So what people want to do here is they're looking to play because they want to get a little less fat and they want to keep their muscles moving. If I go to a basketball court to play and the ground is slick, I'm not risking tearing my ACL to play a game in the middle of the night with a bunch of older guys. Pass.

So if you take a hose and you spray it down right before you put your kids to bed and then out your window, you have a bright spotlight. The light is great. It's a security light. Yes. And that thing goes right on a court.

You just can't play on that side. You find another court. I think that's great. Hey, Jackie, is that a reality in terms of the geography of your place? Is that something you could do out your window? Because if you just put a light out, I'll tell you the kind of asshole I've been in my life. If I can physically move a light, I will. It's not, but I could try to figure something out.

Well, you could even talk to the church about getting something right there. Like you're just talking about. The church has left her on an island. Don't you ever say that about the church, Jake. We got soak. We got a light. What's other ways she can sabotage? Smell. I will say something for me is smell. Smells pretty good. You're a genius. You're a fucking genius. I'm sensitive. I got a big nose. If something smells like shit and a bunch of people are hanging out, I'm out.

Is there a way to incorporate the smell of Dom? Is there a way to time your shits so that you can take a shit at around 10 o'clock every night on that? Just so when they get to the court, if I'm ready to play and there's a wet pile of shit, first of all, I'm not cleaning it. I'm going, I'm not on that side. It's really good. It just changes. I was thinking you could rub shit and this is where we're

We're really attacking this for you, Jackie. I was thinking you could rub some shit on the fence, but I'm thinking if I show up to a court and in the middle of a place where I'm going to be running and trying to be aware of my space, there's like a smushed pile of shit. I'd be like, eh, there's got to be another one closer. That in combination with a wet court and light, I'm going to look. Whoever this is. I got another pitch. Keep going. You're hot. Creepy old...

homeless E guy that you hire to hang out at the court in a weird jacket. And I'll tell you what that will do. You get to a court, it's nine at night. You're like, hey, let's all take a little bit of a one hitter in the car and play pickleball, right? Fun. You're grooving out to the Eagles. You're feeling good. You just want to sweat a little bit.

You see like two guys who look like they might be smoking crystal meth and one of them has like a weird pipe near them. You just go, I don't know. This place feels shady past. It smells like dog shit. There is because there's dog shit in the middle of the court. Jake, there's but like, you know, if you go to a grocery store, L.A., we got a lot of homeless people. You go to a grocery store and all of a sudden there's like a weird older lady playing with like a mouse out front. I'm going to a different grocery store.

Yeah. I'm not afraid she's going to murder me, but I go like, I'm going to get my like $30 worth of quick bites at the one three blocks away. Pickleball is exploding, Jackie. There's other courts. There's a world where you could either do it yourself.

Your husband can do it, but be those weird people on the court that makes it less fun and a little bit shady to play on and just give him an alternative to go pass. I think that's their shit. Yeah, we we've thrown a lot of elements. Burt, any other pitches? I pepper spray, pepper spray cover. Oh, Jesus Christ. No, that's I'm not Jesus Christ in a bad way. I like that. Soak the net and pepper spray.

Right before you go to bed. That is really good. Get bear spray. Yeah. That is really good. Or also what is any kind of that spray that smell like you can actually get hunting deer piss or deer, but skunk spray. Yes. You know, they do things where you can get like a different kind of, um,

animal piss to keep coyotes away. This court is going to be closed down within a week of you pulling. You're not even going to have to worry about daytime pickleball. But what's going to happen then is the church is going to go in the morning. It fucking smells like deer piss. And they're going to then say, we need to fix this problem. And the way they're going to fix the problem is putting a big gate around it and locking it. So you need to make it a problem for the church.

I mean, Jake is really this feels like fourteen hundred stuff. Now, Jake is nailing his letter to the door of the church. But I mean, Jackie, God is here. Jackie, we have thrown a lot at you. How do you feel about this litany of options? And are you going to take all? Are you going to kitchen sink it? Are you going to pick and choose a couple? What are you thinking?

I mean, I've never been more inspired and supported in my life. So thank you very much. That's what it's about. That's why we do it. You have dogs. Great. Dogs make shit. Great. I have. Yeah. I feel like, I feel like walking them to the pickleball court at night before bed is very easy. Yes. Great.

gather that poop have the you know you don't need to be like you know kind of pushing their bellies at the court have it ready to go this is gross but it's not gross for the sake of gross it's actually true there's a really big difference between solid dog shit and diarrhea dog shit thank you for saying what we're all thinking but it's a very easy fix to a dog if you give that dog a piece of ham and it's not okay all right now we're poisoning dogs

I swear to God, I swear to God, I would have given it $1,000. Jake, I thought you were going to say there's a difference between solid dog shit and solid human shit. Because there is. You're not wrong either, Bert. It's a big commitment to ask Jackie to squat on a pickleball court. Jackie, just once. Pretend you're camping. I'm very shy.

Well, not anymore. Jackie, let your dog take a shit and then take a picture of you above that shit like it's you and then just leave that picture at the court on the net and say, Advantage Jackie. Advantage Jackie. Game set match. Okay, so Jackie, you got two dogs, so that's an easy solution. I would recommend trying to get it wet. What else you got?

Yeah, I mean, I think that it's my calling to sit out there and pretend to have severe mental illness as well. Okay, great. So you feel comfortable doing that too? Okay. So you're thinking of letting the dog shit on the court. You're thinking of going out there yourself. And what about other smells that we had brought up? What about the light? Is the light possible?

I think I'm going to work on the light situation. I think the other smells are possible. I'll have to look into my options. The pepper spray or the bear spray. I mean, seriously, that's shit. Nobody's going to want to go play pickleball when it feels like they got tear gas. And you just got to put it on the latch to get in. And all someone needs is a little pepper spray on their finger one time to not trust anything. I got something. Wait, hold on. I'm sorry, Garf. How old are your kids, Jackie?

Uh, there's six and nine years old. Damn. I was going to say nothing grosser than a dirty diaper. Okay.

I swear to God, if I take a rocket, but if I take a hike and I see a dirty diaper, I'm going on a different trail. Might be time to ask the hubby to step up a little bit. You know what I mean? An adult diaper, even if it doesn't have shit in it, Jackie, if you just get a Jackie, I'm going to be in February. I'll I'll wear the diaper and crap in it for you. If your husband won't step up to the plate, if you can wait a few months, I'll give you a human crap filled diaper. No problem.

Jackie, are you there? I heard a long pause after I said I'd grab a diaper for you. Okay, great. I definitely think spray. I really do think a little pepper spray on like around the area. I mean, we are kitchen sinking it. Do you feel like this is going to solve your problem?

Oh, yes. The multi-pronged attack is exactly what I needed. Thank you so much. That is what we're here for. And Jackie, are you going to do it? I mean, some of this for sure. Whether or not the other stuff logistically will work out, we shall see. Agreed. Can you make note, film some of what you're doing and send it to Kevin? Because this is something that I think we should do an update on. I would love to see an update. I want to follow you on Instagram. I want to see where this quarter is going. We want to see what's happening.

Take us with you. And remember, when you're spraying, wear something over your eyes because you could pepper spray yourself and then fall in the shit you put on the court if you're not careful.

That's an ending if one of us was doing this. That's my ending. That's my ending for sure. The police show up. Sir, what are you doing? It's dog shit. Oh, I have a dirty diaper. I have a light in my eye. I pepper sprayed my face. It's dog. I'm wearing a diaper. It wouldn't be mine. Sir. Jackie, thank you for the call. Bert, thanks for coming on Universe. Thanks a million. I love you guys. I love you guys. I'll talk to you later. Thanks, Bert. See you guys. Bye. Bye.

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Hello. Hello there. Welcome to the podcast. We're here to help. You're on with Jake and Gareth. Before we start, can we get your name, where you're calling from, and how old you are? Morning, Jake and Gareth. My name is Alex. I'm 35 years old, and I'm calling from Seattle.

We want to help you. We're on your team. So what's going on? What can we help you with? All right, guys. Thanks for having me. All right. So to have my issue make sense, I need to give just a little info and backstory. Sure. First thing is that I'm a pretty big guy. I'm 6'5", 280 pounds. And so the backstory is I was a bartender for a long time in a small resort town.

Kind of during the busy season, I got asked quite a bit, like once or twice a week, if I played college football. And I would always say no.

But then my buddy, who I bartended with, said that we should turn into a game to kind of pass the time. So he suggested that every time someone asked if I played, I should just make up a college that doesn't exist or wouldn't make any sense and just kind of commit 100% to it. So I'd say, yeah, I was a defensive lineman at Rhode Island A&M Tech, or I played offensive line at the Oregon School of Cosmetics. Usually people would just kind of laugh and get the joke.

Other times they think I was serious, but it's kind of like, who cares? It was a resort town and they'd be gone in a couple of days. So it wasn't a huge deal. So fast forward, I got out of the service industry. Fast forward to my new job. I started about a year ago. About three months in, I noticed a male coworker I hadn't really seen before. I work in a big office.

Give me the once over, which my size I'm fairly used to. But then he I'm going to call him Bob for the sake of the story. Bob kind of followed me into the kitchen and he stood there and he said, where'd you play ball at? And I said, basketball. And he said, nah, man, you're a football player. So I instinctively tried to give him a fake name to be funny, but I'm a little rusty. I haven't I haven't done this in a while. So instead, I just blurted out University of Texas.

I still kind of thought he thought I was saying it jokingly, but he definitely did not take it as a joke. Got all excited, started telling me about his nephew who plays high school, and I just...

Didn't correct him. It was honestly a pretty quick initial interaction. So I just laughed it off and we kind of went our separate ways. But since then, every time I run into him, he excitedly brings it up with other people around him. And I know I should have told him earlier, but now it's kind of weird because it seems like I lied on purpose. And that was, you know, nine months ago. Yeah. This is a pregnancy.

It is, it is. But you know, it is a big office. You know, there's, there's about 300 people in my office building and I don't, I don't see him tons, but I'm a little worried that it's going to kind of spread. You're afraid you're going to get caught and it's going to be humiliation at some point.

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. So I get it, Alex. You did used to do a bit about being a big football player and it happened at work and now you're afraid it's going to come back and get you. So what do you do now? Yeah. I mean, before when I was bartending, I'd never give, I just wouldn't give a real schools or if they were real schools, they were just ones that didn't make sense. Like a cosmetology school or something like that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

But University of Texas is a real lie. And the problem is somebody could Google you and you could eventually get somebody who's there. Here's what I would do. I'm going to lead out on this one, Garth. I don't know if this one we need more backstory. I think it's pretty clean. I would go to the guy one day next time he talks in front of others. And I would put on your bouncer voice a little bit. And I would go, hey, man, I'd appreciate it if you don't tell people about my past a little bit. I've moved down from that. I'm not into it.

And just put a little bit of fear in God and mystery. And he goes like, no, man, it was all, it was all meant to be cool. And you go, I appreciate it, man. But if I'm not leading out about my details, I'd appreciate it if you didn't spill them and let him go.

Not only do I not like Alex, but I'm afraid of him. Lean in more and say, you know, I had a really horrific injury and I tore my ACL. That's what I was going to say. Or don't give the details. Don't give the... I would just... You know, there's parts about you that he's bringing up and you're just letting him know, I ain't into it. I was kind of going somewhere similar. I was going to suggest you tell him that you had an injury and it was a little traumatic. You can kind of do some welling up. I have...

I have a bad pitch let's hear it I'm all about it you lose 100 pounds

That's honestly, it's probably not a bad pitch for my health. Grow a mustache, lose 100 pounds. Yeah, but what is that? I mean, what does that help? But what does that help? Oh, you change your look and your identity. You change. The look has changed. You've gone incognito. So you're basically suggesting he goes into witness protection but doesn't leave. Wear a Hawaiian shirt, wear sunglasses. I want some blonde hair, glasses,

handlebar mustache, 100 pounds lighter, or dare I even say, I don't know if you probably don't love this one, pack on 100. Let's just go in some direction here where you're no longer going to be recognized. He might see you when he comes up to you and goes, so when you were playing the offensive line, I'd just go, offensive line? The fuck are you talking about, dude? I run a boat down in Key West, my king. Yeah.

Yeah. My wife loves both of you guys, but I think if I came home 100 pounds heavier with a handlebar mustache and blonde hair, she wouldn't forgive you. Well, how about this? Here's some more good news. This guy isn't married. So the wife is out of the picture anyway. Okay? We're talking... Listen, how bad do you want this guy to fuck off? So a divorce. A divorce as well, just to complete the whole... Here's another move you could do. That's a commitment I'm asking for. Here's another move you could do is...

when he brings it up next, you could go, dude, I was joking. I feel like it might be people. I mean, cause the other people he's been telling other people and it's not like people come up and ask me like,

specific details about it, but there's like those, like there's jokes like, Oh, Hey, let's have Alex move that table because he used to play college football sort of thing. And so like, and it's still, and I haven't corrected that. I haven't like told anybody like been like committed to that, to them, but I also haven't really corrected them. Okay. I think, I kind of think here's where we're at. I think you got to either take Bob to the side a little bit, put a little fear of God into him.

I think you, you all, you either do that. I think you, the other thing you could do is you could tell him like, Hey man, you had a really bad injury and you don't like bringing it up. The other move you could do is change your identity, lose about a hundred pounds or gain a hundred pounds and go incognito at work.

Uh, but with this in mind, what do you think you're going to try to do? Probably of those options, I think probably pulling them aside and trying to put the fear of God into them a little bit. You like that more than the injury saying like, Hey man, stop fucking putting my information on the streets, man. Yeah, I guess I could kind of go either way. It just would be a, uh,

It's a weird move. It feels a little bit, Alex, like maybe you're looking for the silver bullet. With nine months removed, it is a tough one. It's hard. I mean, the best one is the one that Jake pitched where you say, bro, it was a joke. Get over it. But I think if you're not comfortable with that, you're kind of just going to have to make some concessions.

It's a difficult position. Yeah, that's fair. So do you, Alex, can you, you've already played a character of a fake football player. You were a bouncer. Can you step back into the bouncer role and just in as vague as terms and as mysterious as possible, let him know, stop telling people about my past. Yeah, I think I can do that. And could you give us a run through? Yeah, I'll jump in. I'll be him. Okay. Okay. And you just shoot me down. Okay. All right.

Hey, how come you don't ever wear any of that University of Texas gear? Is it because it doesn't fit you anymore since you were like such an in-shape lineman back in the day? What was your number again? Yeah, Bob, you know, I really appreciate you, how big of a fan you are, but I got to be honest with you. I'm really not comfortable talking about my time when I was at the University of Texas. It just...

Brings back some tough memories, and I'd appreciate it if we don't talk about it anymore at work. Ooh, I think that's good. And by the way, what you just hit on, bring back some tough memories, comma, I had a pretty gnarly injury and I ain't getting into it.

And then he's going to go, all right, there's a whole part of this guy's life I don't know about and much respect. You went way sweeter than I expected, but I think that's going to work. Garf? And I think eye contact throughout that will be good. Don't break the eye contact. Yeah, maybe push my chair out and stand up. Yes. Yes. Full side. All right. And then go. There's parts of my time there that were really negative for me, and I've moved on. I like it.

Plus, he'll be 100 pounds heavier, potentially, so he's going to be super intimidated. With blonde hair and a handlebar mustache, right? Hey, we appreciate the call. I think we're going to help you get out of this one, buddy. All right. Thank you, guys. I appreciate your time. Good luck, Alex. I'm the best man.

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That was a HeadGum Podcast.