32: One More Thing with Bert Kreischer
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And here we go again, Jake Johnson. We're back, my friend. We are back with a great episode. We have our guest of the week.

He's been on before. The Machine is back. The Machine. Bert Kreischer, a mogul, an animal. Bert, you can see his movie, The Machine, on Netflix. A fantastic movie. Also, Bert is constantly on the road. You just can follow him on social media. Also, Bert's getting in crazy good shape. Bert has gotten into really good shape.

Who knows? Something might be a play. Who knows? We don't know what's going on with him. These celebrities now are looking so good so fast. But also, Burt's podcast, The Burtcast. He has the podcast Two Bears with Tom Segura. And if you want to watch Something's Burning, Jake and I are on an episode of that, but that show is great too. Truly, the man is everywhere and with good reason. So we talked to him about a situation with...

Should we get into it too much or just let it speak for itself? Let it speak for itself. And then our second call today, also exciting, stressful. It's a really fun one, yeah. Just some stressful stuff. Let's just let him find it. Garf, what did you want to say off air? So I wanted to let you and Kevin know about something that happened to me in Australia that I didn't want to let you know that was happening while it was happening because of the ridicule that I would receive. But while I was in Australia...

I was packing up for the airport, as one does, had everything that I needed, got ready, went to the airport, was checking in, and the online check-in wasn't going great. It asked for my passport. I said, no problem. And guess what I couldn't find? My passport.

And so I looked all around me. This feels like a fool me once situation. With Gareth, it's a fool me 45 times. And then I took the car that drove me there. I looked in that car. Then it drove me back to the hotel where I tore my room apart. And because Australian travel is different, I was able to fly domestically without the passport. But the passport was totally gone.

And, uh, lost and I could not find the passport anywhere. And then I, uh, did our boy have a layover? I, well, so, so I had to make an appointment to go to the embassy to get a passport to fly home with. But as I was about to go to that appointment, someone at the Perth airport had turned it in and the passport got mailed by someone who worked at the booking agency that I was with. Uh,

Mother-in-law sent it and I received it. And two days before I flew home, I got my passport. But the whole time I was basically without my passport thinking, I can't tell anyone about this. You know what we might need? And if anybody has an invention idea or a product idea, some version of a travel fanny pack for Gary. I'm getting, I am no joke getting a lanyard, like a child who travels alone. I think that's right because you go international a lot.

And this could end really bad at some point, man. Oh, yes. It almost has twice. So you're going to get that. If anybody has any ideas, email the show, because I think we've got to protect Garfield at this point. And I appreciate the hell out of it. But anyway, you're not here to listen about how big of an idiot I am internationally and how I give Americans a bad name abroad. You're here to watch this show. Me, a man who can't take care of himself, help others. So without further ado.

Two idiots giving advice. And we're brought to you by Squarespace. We not only love Squarespace, I use Squarespace for all my personal websites, but we use Squarespace for the show all the time. Whenever we need to help a caller, we send them right to Squarespace. And we are not lying about how much we love and use Squarespace because we just did it.

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BlueNile.com. BlueNile.com. Welcome to the podcast. We're here to help. You are on with Jake, with Gareth, and with our very special guest...

the one, the only, America's best friend, Bert Kreischer. Bert, thank you for joining us. I'm very happy to be here. I'm very, very happy to be here. All right, good. We appreciate that. And we're going to try to help you. So you've got three basic doctors. But before we can give you help, we need to know what your name is, where you're calling from, and how old you are, basically. Yes. Hello, gentlemen. Thank you. This is such a treat. My name is Stacey.

I live in Raleigh, North Carolina, and I am 36 years old. 36. Tell the people of Raleigh to relax on the pronunciation. We get it. Okay, so what's going on? What can we help you with? So I have someone in my life that is pretty problematic, I would say. It's a bold phrase. Her name is Emily, and she is a baby doll.

And I'm trying to figure out what to do about her. Okay. So obviously we're all intrigued and puzzled and a little afraid. You mean an actual, like a doll doll? Like a baby doll? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No like puffy component. I thought you were talking about an overweight chick who wore shirts that didn't fit her. Yeah, we all know. Because I think, I don't know what advice we would have for that.

Well, my daughters call me a baby doll. They go, look at him in his baby doll tee. Your daughters keep you so honest, Bert. Wait a second. A baby doll for a heavy set person in his shorts. That's a baby doll. Right. Like a midriff. Yeah. It's one of those shirts where you feel good about it and everyone else is like, why are you doing that?

Okay, so it is not a chubby girl in a little shirt. It's an actual baby doll.

Yes. Emily is probably half a pound. Okay. She's traveling light, yeah. Crazy that you're still referring to her as Emily. What's the context? How did this happen? It is crazy that you keep calling her Emily. Yep, expecting us to be like, of course, the plastic thing. Emily's half a pound, totally normal. Emily's half a pound. Not doing great, to be quite honest. Yeah.

We need to bulk her up. So being 36, I got Emily when I was really young. There's honestly a little mysticism around where she came from when she showed up, but I've had her for 30 plus years. Very much was present as I was toddling around the streets of New Jersey where I'm from.

And very much as a fixture in my life. All my friends knew about Emily. She came to college with me, which is weird. Because I was kind of curious what her timeline... So Emily has...

You've cared for Emily, dare we say, longer than most. This isn't an Emily problem. This is a Stacey problem. Yeah, Stacey. Listen, I have tried to write this wrong. Where is Emily right now? Because I'm team Emily. I'm worried Emily's in the room listening to all of this and you're breaking her heart. Yeah, it's like Megan. She's got a knife. Some little psycho doll looking at her. Keep saying nice shit, Stacey.

Emily is not in my custody. She has been taken from me about a decade ago. Wait, Stacey, let me interrupt for a second. Hold on. Hold on. Is this real how you're talking about this now, Emily? You're talking about custody? This is all real. Oh, Jesus. We just got a picture. We just got a picture. There's so much wrong with the picture. The picture looks like one of those pictures you see on a bar machine game where you're supposed to pick out the problems.

Holy shit. Rocky Road. Can I interest you in a lemon? What? Some people have compared her to like Sid in Toy Story.

You said there was some mysticism of how this Emily entered your life. Can you explain what that means? Did your parents give this to you? What happened? What happened? Yeah, no one can really, really remember. Obviously, she was, you know, procured from some store. But, like, she just kind of showed up one day. I know that sounds super weird, but we just don't know for sure. How about this? We'll let you know when something normal gets said. Sure.

Okay, so this is all insane. What is the issue you're having now with Emily? Yeah.

So the issue is I about about 10 years ago, I was in my mid 20s. I said, listen, this is a creepy ass doll. I think we need to I think we need to let Emily go. And so I wanted to do some sort of like the Viking funeral for her. We go down to the shore. We find someone to build a little vessel. We find someone with some archery prowess and we give her the send off that she deserves.

And a lot of people were on board with this idea. But one of my oldest friends, she and her family were like, oh, no, absolutely not. And so they coerced me to take Emily. And I shipped her off to New Jersey in a shoebox. And I have not been able to get her back since. And so my problem is, do we...

commit to the bit because there are a lot of pranks that have evolved over the years. It's a whole thing. Or do I find a way to break into someone's home, feel her back for good and burn her at sea funeral? That's right. That's right. Yeah. Let me just start with a logistical question. Why, who did you ship it to in New Jersey? So I shipped it to the matriarch of the, of the family. We'll call her mama P she, she is for sure the most,

staunch supporter of Emily lingering on. And so she said, no, no, send me this doll. So that's where I sent her off to. And I go on family vacation with this family. I love all of them so much. We have really, really strong relationships. And so I get to see her when we go to the beach, but I have to give her back. I'm not trusted with her.

And so it's this, and I don't know, I don't know what to do. This is so great. I'm all in for like, I'm all in for weird family bits and weird traditions. This is fucking weird. You guys are goofballs. This is wild. We're talking about a little psycho doll that she's now keeping. Mama P has it. You're thinking of stealing it back.

This show is about we're on your team and we're on your side. So the three of us are going to be on your team, Stacey, what to do. But first of all, I think you guys are all fucking bonkers. Bonkers. Burt, first reactions to this. You seem to be like we all are. No, I'm in love with everything about this. Every misogynist should hear how cool women are. This is what makes me love girls.

And I mean that as a dad. Yes. Because we have, in our family, we have Ba and we have Ba Bear. And those are two rabbits and a bear that are of the same type of things that we gave the girls when they were very young and they both have. And I will tell you, I'm more committed. I have like, the girls don't know this, we have five Ba's and five Ba Bears in our attics that we've...

when they've lost them or replaced them we've replaced them and so i love this i love it too i also would be concerned bird if i were you that the your daughters get up into the attic and think that the boz are breeding at some point if they find the mother load so the question really is do you go for the viking funeral plan and if you do that you almost have to do that

by breaking it and taking Emily back, essentially? Right. Yes. And put really important relationships at risk. I would break some hearts here. Emily started with you as a baby, correct? Yes.

You gave her to Mama P 10 years ago. You were ready to do the Viking send off. She has taken Emily and said, no, I think you find an excuse to get to New Jersey during the visit. You kidnap Emily back. You film a little video of you having her back in North Carolina. You put her on a ship. You burn it up.

And you do the Viking funeral and you send it back to Mama P and you say like, it's over now. I think you finish what you started in dramatic fashion. Wow.

Bert, I feel like you would like this. It feels like something I would see on your Instagram. A doll Viking. Like, I feel like this would be. I already have it shot. I already know how to shoot it. I've already thought of it. So maybe because my advice does not steer far from Jake's. I also like that plan. Maybe Bert. What do you want to walk us through a little bit of your vision of how the Viking funeral would go?

I think you leave a note to, I think you go to Mama P, you steal Emily. You leave a note saying Emily's moved on to the next world. And then you film your Viking funeral. And you show her all of it. You push it out to sea, it burns. And then you do a reverse shot from the ship of you standing on the beach and

And then as you walk away, Emily's sitting in a park bench by herself. And then you send it to Mama P. I think Emily's got to live with Mama P. I love that. Emily's good luck. Emily's good luck. So wait, you're kind of best of both worlds. You're pitching. Let's get the Viking funeral footage. Let's get it. It's the,

It's the old one, the switcheroo. And then, as we're all grieving the Viking passing of Sweet Emily, again, it's hard to say Sweet Emily when we saw her with one cockeyed in a jar of lemons. I get a garf.

We see that only to reveal that Emily is still with us and you give her back to Mama P. No, but I have a turn. I have a turn. I have a turn. Everything that Bert said I think is dead right. I don't think you show Emily in the video. I think you go back to her house and you hide Emily in her home. So she gets the video and goes like, you psycho. And you go like, Emily's dead, Mama P. Then about three months later, she opens up a drawer and goes like, Mama P.

And then you go, I killed that doll. You say, I filmed it. I know what you did. And you deny that till the day you die. Or you pay a day rate of $700 and you shave an actor's head to look like Emily to show up and a real human being shows up. Mama P, Rocky Road. I don't feel good.

There is a third path.

Okay. Let's talk a little complicated. Yeah. I'm sorry. Are you telling us the next one's a little complicated? After, after we just Thomas crowned a fared your one-eyed doll and okay. Well, it comes back to the one eye. So this is part of my issue as well with not, not having her is she has been, I'm sorry to say it, but she has been road hard and put up wet. Like a lot has happened to her. She didn't,

She did lose an eye. She lost a leg for a while. And so we have another friend, Sydney. She said, I'm going to fix this eye issue. And she found another Emily on eBay. So perhaps we could use, she's a little bit bigger. She's not exactly the same. Her hair is different. Talk about three quarters of a pound, something like that. Yeah. She's a little heftier, for sure.

But you could burn Emily number two easily. And the way you shoot it, especially if you're filming Emily number two from the sea, you can only see a little bit of her. So it will look like Emily, but the real Emily should live on.

Like if one's going to live, it's got to be the real one. And I also the idea of having an archer is phenomenal. But make sure you get a professional because the last thing you want to do is have someone fire hot darts into the ocean and keep missing your floating casket while people are probably trying to surf or take selfies with the ocean. Yeah. In my head, we're just like restarting girl on fire over and over until we get a hit.

And Stacey, in your head is a place that I don't think I belong, but I enjoy the context constantly. It is a wild ride. Is this something you think you might do? Do you think you might go back to Mama P's house, steal Emily, do a fake out, film it, send her the video, send her the little ransom notes before the film, and then figure out a way to get real Emily back in this woman's house? Is this a move you might do?

I am so invested in this. For me, it's just a matter of the can-do. I have tried to steal her back. I have not been successful. I have searched through basements. I have truly tried to be intimidating to get answers on where she is. She's actually in Texas right now. Emily has the life of a fugitive.

And we can't keep getting into that further and further. Will you keep us posted on whether or not you pull any of this off? But Gareth, what if we tried to get Mama P on the show? Well, that's exactly a possibility. She does not know this is coming, and I can't wait to just drop a little link.

to the whole family. What if there's a different thing, Emily, and maybe our producer Kevin can help make this happen, but what if we just reached out to Mama P without you on it? Because one thing I've learned about you, Stacey, is as Bert says, you're a cool chick, you're funny, I also think you're weird as hell. I love that about you.

And I think Mama P might have a different story to tell about Emily's journey. If Mama P's response is, who's Emily? We're going to have to block you. Bert's going to get on his knee and try to marry you. Be careful.

You just got to fall in love with you. If that's the case. Very good. Will you start the process of trying to get Emily back? And will you keep us involved? And if we get to the filming state, maybe we could figure out a way to be part of that as well. And then Kevin's going to reach out if we can get mama peas and just see if there's anything there. Yeah, absolutely. I'm on board for any and everything.

Well, we appreciate your comment. We've gathered that much for sure. We appreciate it. Keep us posted and Godspeed. Really. Good luck out there. To you all as well. Thanks so much. Appreciate it. Take care. Say hi to Emily.

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Hi. Hello there. Hi. I don't know how much you know, but you're on the podcast. We're here to help. We're a help podcast. We get problems from people. We help them out. We'll get into some of the details in a minute. My name's Gareth. You're on with Jake Johnson. We're both on New Girl. Can I get your names, please? One at a time, just so we know. Okay. I'll start. My name is Paige. Paige. Okay. Thank you, Paige. And the other person.

I'm Vicks. Vicks? Vicks. Like Vicks Paper Rabbit with an X. That's a cool-ass name. Nice. Vicks and Paige. Wow. Wait, how did they get to Vicks? Is Vicks short for something? It's short for Victoria. That makes sense. Okay. Vicks and Paige, let us tell you a little bit about why you're here. Okay. We're dying to know. Okay. Sure. So your friend Becca called in, and her problem or her insecurity-

I don't think she's called in, Jake. I think she just emailed us. Oh, is that right? Yeah. What was the thing about cats and Gareth liking cats? Did I just make that up? Sorry, Paige and Vix, but I need to dip in here. You guys are talking shit about me liking cats off air? That's cool, huh? No, hold on. Sounds a little crazy to me. So I got on earlier, and Kevin said, do you remember this one? And I go, not really. And he said, we have the collars on from Becca. And I go, remind me of the call. And he said...

I go, was it funny? And you said it was pretty funny. It was about she's insecure about blank and she's got a bunch of cats.

Close. This still works, though. It's close. She has a 14-year-old chihuahua and is insecure that. Okay, hold on. So are you guys just side-talking shit about my cat? No, no. Paige Vicks, again, we're going to get to this in a second, but I have a really lovely relationship with my cat, Jose. I have a painting of him behind me normally. All right, okay. This is about a caller, and the caller has an issue. And the caller's issue is this, Paige, in this, Vicks.

She is insecure that her house smells bad. And she's nervous that it's going to put off potential people wanting to be in her house and that people aren't telling her the truth. And we said to her,

Well, we can't tell you if your house stinks. Do you have any friends who really care about you but aren't afraid to say the truth? And that brings us to Victoria and Paige. And we want total honesty. Yes, we do. Does her place smell? Have you noticed a smell in there? Is there an odour?

No. Who said that, Paige? No. That was Vix. I also will say no. But her dog does pee everywhere. And once she turned on a black light and she said it was very disturbing. So she's kind of hotel helling herself here and you are thinking it's okay. So this really is all of our friends come and stay there. We love going to their house. Interesting.

So then how the hell, if a dog is pissing everywhere, does it not smell? It might be a very little amount. I think about it when I lay on the carpet, but I have never smelled it. You said you think about it when you lay on the carpet? Yeah. What are you guys doing? A little nitrous over there? What's going on? Who's carpet laying? Yeah. By the way, when and why are you laying on a carpet? It's doing a little DMT circle? It's got a real chill house. Okay. So we are getting, and this is now, you know,

There's times in life, Paige and Vix, when you could tell somebody you love that you have a weird trait and it's meant lovingly to fix. Becca is coming hat in hand and saying, I need some help. I'm scared. And so if you guys later say, we couldn't say anything. I felt like I was being mean. You're being mean by not saying something. Am I out of line? Am I out of line?

Once again, Jake, you are right within the lines and on the goddamn thing. That's how I feel. Now, I need to know if the truth is there's no smell, then there's no smell.

They also have like a wood burning fireplaces on all the time. And that when I think of their house, that's what I smell. A lot of like smoke firewood. We have good news. I mean, this is good news. We definitely don't want to be talking to your friend back and saying, hey, guess what? Yeah, you got your house smells like fire piss. So we don't have to deliver that news, which is awesome. I would propose, Jake, that since we have good news, why don't we lead with a little fun?

And why don't we just lean in for a minute or two? Why don't we lean in for a minute or two? Okay, but hold on. Hold on. We're going to end there, Garf. We're going to end there. I love it. I love where you're going and you're right. Thank you. But I'm still, I got to say, man, I'm taking a hike and I'm seeing smoke. And when there's smoke, there's mostly fire. Yeah. Or a new pope. Paige, walk me through this. Vicks, walk me through this. There's a 14-year-old fucking chihuahua pissing everywhere it goes. There's carpets everywhere.

But there's not a little bit of smell of piss. I hate to be Columbo here, but I'm turning around saying, but one more thing. Yeah. It smells like piss. So, and when my dogs come over to their house, they also pee there. This is disgusting. So what, what, what's happening? My dog has also been there. They're in like dog Vegas? Yeah. You're living in a world of lies. Paige and Dick, do you guys have noses?

No, I swear. I would tell her. I would tell her. Their house does not smell like dog poop. Your dog goes to their house and also pisses on the carpet. It's a shocking revelation. It is a shocking revelation. Gareth, it's not about Becca. It's a group of these women are crazy. Yeah.

They just treat this house like a pee pad. We need somebody outside of the group who doesn't live in piss. Who's laying down on the carpet? Especially after their dog pisses. So who was that whose dog pees on their floor? Was that Paige?

Both of our dogs. Both of your dogs? Jesus Christ. Because her dog is marked everywhere. So even though our dogs are potty trained, they go there and they're just like, oh, okay. And they just pee wherever they feel like. You guys know Columbo, yes? Yeah.

You know that when you're watching Columbo and everybody's lying to Columbo, you know that Columbo is going to crack the case. Am I right? Right now, I'm motherfucking Columbo.

Because this don't add up, ladies. Yeah. You got three dogs pissing on one carpet. Minimum. That's right. Because everybody who go there, their dog pisses. Yeah. Nobody smells any piss. It's the piss house. In what world, Gareth, is this real life? You know what it reminds me of? Remember when you were in high school and someone's parent would let you drink in the basement? Yeah.

And then so it's just like, that's where you went to get drunk. That's what this is for the dogs. They're like, we got a house you can piss in. They're all going over there. They're carpooling. They're just pissing everywhere. Marking on marks. I don't know what to do here, Garrett. Well, it's shocking. It's great news. It's great news. Here's what I would propose.

Let's get on the next call. Let's bring back in and let's say we did some research and we want to be the bearers of good news. We don't have the best news. Paige, Vix, we'll tee you up nicely to say that the place smells. We're in a world of trouble. Can I ask a question? I know we're going to get back to you and I know you're right here to end this. Hey, Paige, Vix. Yeah. This is Colombo. Classic Colombo. I hate to do it. I hate to do it. But one more thing. This is what he does. One more thing. I think it's three more things. Before we go, one more thing.

Does your house smell like dog piss? Has anybody ever said you smell like dog piss? Your clothes smell like dog piss? No, no. We also have wood floors and all the houses are super clean. Like their house is super, super clean. Besides the flood of dog piss. Nice, Columbo. Yes. I gotta say, I've been a detective for a lot of years. Yeah, he's seen a lot of stuff, ladies. Okay, Paige, Vix, I gotta ask one more time. And

And forget everything else that happened. One more thing before we conclude and bring Becca back on and do a joke or don't do a joke. Does her house smell like pee? It's a simple question, guys. And I'm asking you on your families.

Well, you know, everyone's house has a smell, right? Interesting. Her house definitely has a smell. What is that smell? But it doesn't smell like pee. What is it? Yeah, it does not smell like dog pee. It's like wood-burning old person, I would say. Wood-burning old person? Yep. Yeah. Okay, hold on, hold on. 70s, carpeted. Yeah. Yeah.

Otherwise known as piss. Wow. You just bad copped him. Maybe that's what I'm smelling. Old wood person? It really is like watching Making a Murderer. Jake, you hung in there. You kept fighting. But Paige and Vix, I got a question for you ladies. Why is it 10 minutes into the call that we find out that it smells like burning old people? Because it's Columbo. What?

walk me through that, ladies. It's just an old house. Yeah, not like super bad old people. Yeah. They were nice old people. They were wonderfully smelling burning old people. Nice burning old people. Yeah. I think it's all the fire. Garth, if I go any further, I'm badgering the witness, but she just said it smells like dead old people. Yeah, no, for sure. Right now,

You've had him in custody for 24 hours. The lawyer's on the phone. There's not much more you can do. You've definitely got some interesting information out. I would say, why don't we just for a minute

Have fun, and if we don't want to use it, we don't have to use it. But I'll lead, and I'll say the place smells like some dog piss. And then I'll say the good... No, I'm kidding. There's good news. Paige and Vic say there isn't. However, Columbo did some pistigating. We find out maybe roughly what city she lives in. If I'm ever there touring as a comedian, I will come in, and I will give it the actual sniff test. Paige and Vic, where are you guys? I'm in Oakland.

Oh, Oakland. We're up in Twain Heart. So like Northern California. Oh, this is very possible. Okay. This is very possible. Okay, great. So now we're going to bring on Becca.

Okay. Kevin, is she available? She is. I'm now the bailiff in this court case and I am bringing it. We've talked to the two witnesses. And she doesn't know Paige and Vicks are here. So she thinks this is the initial call. Yeah. Oh, okay. That's where we're at. So we'll do a little ramp up into that. So Paige and Vicks, I need you to be then quiet for a while. Yeah, you might want to mute your phones. I'll go on mute. Yeah, good idea. Okay. So we have never talked to her, just to remember because my brain's a little dog shit.

This is our first time. Well, it's all right. Her house is a little dog piss, so don't worry about it. It's the perfect time. We've got a lot in common. Yeah. Let's do it. So start the call like we do our show, Garth. Yep. You want to take the lead? Yeah. Hello? Hello? Hello?

Hi. Hello there. Good morning where I am. Good afternoon where you probably are. You're on. We're here to help with Jake and Gareth. Can I get your name, your age roughly? And can you tell us why you're calling today? I'm chomping at the bit. Easy, big fella. My name is Becca and I am 38 and I'm calling from Sonora, California. Sonora. So what is that? Is that near Oakland?

Um, not really. Uh, we're in, it's in the Sierra, but Hills sort of Yosemite near Bridgeport. All right. Uh, like on the other side of Sonora pass from Bridgeport. Yeah. Jake, Jake's very familiar with that area and has been for a long time. So, uh, Becca, can, uh, can we find out what, uh, what, what's the issue? What are you calling about today?

Okay, so I'm calling because it's a little embarrassing, but I've always been nervous that I have one of those homes where when people walk in, they think it has a weird smell. What do they think it smells like? I don't know. That's the thing is that, like, you know, it's your house, so you don't smell it. So, like, you know how sometimes you walk into somebody's house and you're like, oh, this house smells weird.

But I'm never going to say that to somebody because that's rude. So it's like, how do you know? Because like, I live here. I don't smell it. My husband doesn't smell it. You got to be friends are polite. Becca, you got any guesses? Well, so I do worry. We have a little dog who we adopted as a senior and he was never really potty trained.

So he views the house as his toilet. But he do like, I try to clean up as much as like, we wash our rugs regularly, like always spraying the pee spray. You got any carpets? Yes, the house is carpeted and it's

Our house is from the 70s. And I don't like a lot of old people have ever been shamed. Right. Yeah. All right. OK, so so basically your question is, your question is, does your house smell? You're paranoid that your house might smell like a chihuahua piss. You said it was a chihuahua, right? Yes, it is a chihuahua. Yes. Can I have a question? I got a question for you. Yeah. You ever have any other dogs there pissing on the carpet?

I mean, I'm sure. We bring our friends bring their dogs over, so I'm sure that they smell Felix's piss. Well, you know how dogs are. Dogs smell one dog piss and they piss on it. They're kind of one-upping each other a little bit. It's like piss Jenga. Exactly. And luckily, most of the dogs are taller than Felix, so you can see the pee. He's really short. That's lucky. So it doesn't really show on anything. Hold on, Becca. That is lucky. You said most other dogs are taller, so you see when they're pissing inside your house? Mm-hmm.

Yes, they can't hide as easy. Yeah, Felix is low. How many dogs have you seen pee in your home, Becca? Because we're acting like that's normal and I promise you it's not. I've never talked to anybody who casually goes, well, the bigger dogs, what's nice about it when they piss in my house is that they're taller. I've seen...

Three dogs pee in my house. Oh, that's nothing. And then would you do anything to counter the smell in your house? Is there like, I don't know, sprays? Yes, I mean, even I do...

I knew this wasn't like a smell call today, but even still, I lit candles. You guys can tell. But like he burns incense. We have a diffuser. And any light and incense on fire or anything like that? Candles. No, I hate the way incense smells. OK, but you just have candles as the fire. But candles, Gareth, wouldn't smell like something that's wood burning. Now, do you have like a wood burning stove or anything like that?

We do. We have a wood-burning fireplace. Never mind. Oh, a fireplace. I'm going to write that down because that's new information. Okay, so basically, Becca, the question is, how do we solve your paranoia about your house potentially having an ODR? Okay.

Uh, you're there. You got dogs up to three, maybe more if they're lower gravity dogs that are pissed. And we know Felix is just doesn't even know about the outside being an area for him to piss. You did a great thing. You brought a senior dog in. Yeah, he wasn't potty trained someone. There was a, there was a dereliction of duty there. And so he's pissed. Is he going number two? Any dogs going number two in the house? No. Okay. That's very good. That would be shocking. That's great news. All right. Great. No, no, no. Are we at that time? Garth?

I think we are. So, Becca, you know, this is a bit of an unconventional call for us because I guess the roadblock we ran into with this one is,

It's a little hard for us to give you advice. You send the email into the show, and it's a little hard for us to say your house smells. Your house doesn't smell. You know what I mean? Yeah, I guess I was more looking for a way that you could smell test your house. There's a way to do it, and I think we've done it. Yeah, why don't we dig into that? So we do have a way to smell test your house, but we had to get pretty personal. We had to reach out to a couple friends of yours

to see what they thought about your house. So I guess now is as good a time as any to bring in Paige and Vix, who we talked to a little bit before your call. And Jake did a little Columbo-ing. And at 38, you get that reference. Some of our younger listeners might not. But maybe he's on TikTok. I don't know. So we want to bring in Paige and Vix. Hi, Paige and Vix. I'm sorry. What did you guys say?

Hold on, Becca, Becca, Becca, Becca, pump those brakes. We're going to get there, okay? Listen, there's a process here in place for a reason. So we talked to them for probably about 15 minutes, maybe even a little more, really trying to figure out if your place smelled. And do you want the good news or the bad news? It's the bad news. The bad news is your place smells like a piss factory.

They said they walk in there and it smells like the goddamn pound. It just smells like people are fountaining left and right. And I'm quoting Paige here when she said it doesn't just smell like dog. She thinks you guys might be peeing on the floor.

Now, the good news is that's not true. They did not say that. I just wanted to play a little prank on my old friend, Becca. They said your place doesn't smell. Oh, my God. It doesn't smell like piss. Well, now that's where Jake's going to come in. Paige, Vicks, I want you guys to jump in now. And when we asked you guys, what'd you guys say?

Well, to be honest, I really pressured us to say it's not like me. I pushed him. I pushed him. I will say that. I will say they said it did not smell like pee. They said you have a lovely home. They said they lay on your carpet. Very clean. They said it's very clean. They like to be there. They were a very firm no.

I pushed real hard. Real hard. And they wouldn't budge. But to me, Becca, one more thing here before we go. Thank you. Just walking down the street, I got to turn around. I just lit my cigar. So one more thing here, darling. They did say it was an old house. It is an old house. And they did say that it might smell like people have lived and died there.

At one point, the rough term I would say was it was the smell of old people and fire, which is what a crematorium is, to be frank. But when pushed on it, they said, let me make something clear.

It's not bad. Yeah. And it does not smell like piss. And I said, so there's no smell. And they said, yeah, it smells like a wood burning oven or a wood burning fireplace. It smells like a house from the 70s, but they like the smell. So in conclusion, Your Honor.

Your house is an old 70s house with an old carpet. You're burning wood. People have lived and died there. A shelter full of dogs have pissed in it. But somehow your house doesn't smell bad. Congratulations. I keep a very clean home. Well, I mean, you keep a home so clean, your friends are sprawling out on your carpet after animals have pissed on it.

To be fair, it might have been one of their animals. So we did admit to that. Do you want to say anything to your friend Becca in closing before we get out of here to kind of wrap this up?

Sorry that our dogs have peed on your carpet. That's okay. They haven't peed nearly as much as Felix has peed in both of your houses. We should start. Gareth, Gareth. I just got the one more thing. There we go. I was watching this episode and I'm going, there's still eight minutes left. There's got to be more meat on the floor. Columbo walked out and kicked the door back in. Becca just said,

They have never peed as much as they have in your houses. Kevin, hold on. In post, play it back now. That's okay. They haven't peed nearly as much as Felix has peed in both of your houses.

Which means, ladies, you all live in homes that smell like dog pee. So you are untrustworthy narrators. Becca, Becca, Becca, you just said Felix is pissed in all their homes. Yeah, but they both have wood floors. They can see into the wood.

You people are using coffee grounds like the Colombians covered up cocaine. These wood floors are doing a lot of lifting for you people. Your honor, Gareth, Kevin, all three of them can't be trusted. All three of them live in homes that smell like dog piss. You know, we really might be asking a biased witness. We are. We are. Yeah.

It's hard to know. Now, wait. Now, here's what I'll offer. We will have a conclusion to this at some point because at some point, I'll be in that area doing stand-up and I'm going to fresh nose in there and I'm going to see what the hell is going on in your place, Becca. And I will let you know, I'm not promising a carpet sprawl. I'm not laying on the goddamn carpet. Don't pressure me into that. I mean, the carpet...

It's pretty comfortable. It's been pissed on by three dogs minimum, and that's just the tall count. Here's what I will say in closing. To the three of you, honestly, you guys all seem like you have a great friendship. I respect all of you, and all of your homes smell like dog piss.

I will also say we really appreciate it. This was a very unorthodox call for us. My last piece of advice would be that it might be time to call Felix Peelix. And maybe we should just leave it there. I can't believe we've never done that.

Hey, guys, thank you for the call. And there's a real chance Gareth might email you one day and say, yes, can we finish this with he smells one of your may I come over and smell the folks? Come on over. Anytime. Anytime. You guys are the best. Thank you for the call. Thank you.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt, and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKean. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio, and our video editor is John DeBruin. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh, and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at HelpfulPod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. That was a HateGum Podcast.