40: Parental Guidance with Eduardo Franco
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Yeah. Wow. Dramatics. Listen to you. Yeah. All right, everybody.

We're here to help. We're back. Why don't we have Gil do our intro? Well, ladies and gentlemen, it is unbelievable to be invited to the intro. I never thought I'd be at this party. I'm hoping there's a pay bump. Is there? Okay, silence. Snake eyes from old J.J. Johnson. Not surprising there. The guy's giving. We have a great episode, Gil. He's a giving friend, but not financially. Well, I...

Come on, Jake. Let's get into the intro. We don't want to squander it. It doesn't always have to be financial. I do support you. I'm available for parties, bat mitzvahs, and weddings if you want to have Gil Buchanan DJ or just even give a speech. I give great speeches. Oh, you're trying to do like live cameos? Anything where I can get a little cash. How's your cameo account going? Cameo, pretty good. I'm doing it for 13 bucks a pop. Gil Buchanan. Yeah, Gil Buchanan cameo. We have a great episode. Hold on, Jake. The only person on cameo who gets the complaint a little too long

Sometimes he's got a little winding, and I've got something about 25 minutes. They call me the Bohemian Rhapsody of cameos. Well, because you asked me to buy one, and I did, and you left a two-hour cameo. To be fair, 45 minutes of that, I didn't realize the camera was still rolling. Well, the first 45 minutes was how greedy I am.

how much of a star you are. Well, I would not say greedy, Jake, but you know what you like and you don't like it. And also, if it weren't for my girls, nobody would know old Big Nose, which I heard you say to Alice. Hey, come on. Cameo slash Gil Buchanan. Ones and twos, give it to me. Anyway, we've got a great episode today. Eduardo Franco from the movie Self-Reliance. This is coming out early January. It's going to be January 12th. Self-Reliance on Hulu, Jake Johnson.

So he comes on. He is as funny and as good as, well, hell, anybody imaginable. He does a great job on this episode, Jake. Did you like Stranger Things? I love Stranger Things, Jake. You are Stranger Things! We'll be right back. We're here to help is brought to you in part... We're not doing sponsors? Sorry, I'm a little discombobulated over here. Ladies and gentlemen, enjoy the show. Enjoy it. Without further...

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Hello. Hi, welcome to the show. Thank you for having me. You got a special one today. You've got, obviously, Gareth Reynolds. You've got Jake Johnson. And you've got an actor who I'm a big fan of who's in my new movie, Self-Reliance, coming out.

January 12th on Hulu. Mr. Eduardo Franco, thank you for joining the show, Eduardo. Hell yeah. Let's do it. Eduardo's one call warmed up, so get ready for some killer advice. So what is your name, where you're calling from, and your age?

My name is Anna. I am calling from Los Angeles. Okay, what's... Hold on, hold on, hold on. You're talking to a bunch of L.A. boys. Where in L.A. are you at, Anna? What's the exact address and street is what Jake said. Now, what's your neighborhood? What's your neighborhood? Sherman Oaks. Sherman. Oh, nice. Shokes. Shokes. Shokestown. Crave Cafe. That's right. Cold.

Today's sponsor is Crave Cafe. So, Anna, how old are you? Roughly, where are we at? I'm 33. 33. And what's your sign? Jake, I don't know. I'm a Taurus. Taurus. So what does that mean to you? Okay, I don't know. Are we going into a strange world? What does Taurus mean to you, Anna?

- It means I'm loyal, it means I'm stubborn, it means I like to be home and cozy, comfy. I really like being a Taurus. - You could also be a pug. - The other option is you might actually be a pug. - Yeah, yeah, man. - Have you looked into that? - Loyal, stubborn, like to be cozy and comfy. - How's your breathing? - Yeah, I was about to say, it's a pug, baby. - Can you get out of breath if you run from the dining room to the kitchen? - Yeah.

Do your eyes pop out of your head a lot? I'm a chow hound. I got to go to the vet all the time. Anna, what is the problem today? This is already the most fun. Thanks, guys. Okay, so my problem is, like I said, I'm 33 years old. I'm a grown-ass woman, and my parents still kiss me on the lips every time we say goodbye. Whoa!

whoa whoa this is real oh i didn't think oh boy okay no wonder you want to stay home so much and so what is the what is the question then so is there more setup there is there more story or are we is that the issue mom and dad kiss you on the lips uh yeah and i think it's even um a little bit

funnier to know that it's also my stepdad that does this. I would say significantly less. He's been a father figure to me since I was five. Okay, funnier again. If you said, like, just met my mom a year and a half ago, I'm not laughing. He's a lot younger. He has a ponytail, and I think he's after her money. I'm not laughing.

He keeps saying we could have it all before he does it. Oh, geez. Okay, so he's your stepdad, but he's been around forever. We've normalized parental figures kissing you on the lips. Let me ask you this. I'm already opposed to this. How long are they holding on for that kiss? Quick peck? Quick.

It's a quick kiss, but it's definitely full lips. So mom and dad kiss on the lips. Yes. And they always do it. When you see them, they say goodbye with a little lip action. Yes.

What's the, what's the question is the question. How do we get them to stop? Basically, because I feel like, I feel like it's a basic thing of just maybe at like, I'm sure it could just be asking them, but it's different family dynamics. Like, I don't know how your family dynamics are, but I have a hard time just like saying how I feel to my mom. And like, or she would probably take it kind of personally. So, and it's now it's so, and I don't see them a lot. They live in Indiana. Like I said, I'm in Strimmon Oak. So I,

I don't see them often. This doesn't happen often, but it happens every time to the point where, yeah, the question is, what do I do? How do I get them to stop without having to just tell them I don't like them? Do you approach them for the kiss or do they approach you? Hold on, Anna. I can answer that. She does not lean in. Get out of here, you. Hold on. But if she answered yes, Eduardo, what is this called? What?

my parents kiss me on the lips after I lean in and close my eyes and tilt my head. I thought maybe like, I don't respect your like, here we go. Oh, interesting. You know, cause she's so concerned about like, you want to respect your mom and your

Anna, can you walk us through? I like where Eduardo is going on this. Can you walk us through how the kisses happen? Narrate it as if it's an audio book to walk us through. You're in Indiana. It's over a holiday. Yeah. You're saying, do you stay at their house or are you a hotel stayer? No, I stay there. Okay. So walk us through how a kiss would occur, please. Let's go with stepdad.

Okay. So like, you know, I'm getting up, I'm leaving the house. He gets up and it is a very animated arms out. And like the, he's already making the face before I can even like try and say goodbye. It sounds like I'm making that up for the bit, but it is very animated. Okay. And does, and how does it go with mom? Does she follow stepdad? Does she, mom is more, no,

No, mom is more of a hug into like, you know, you try and pull away and just like plops it on you real quick. On the lips. I think that's more natural. Stepdad, you just made me imagine. He just like, he said animated too. He turns into the mask. Do you have other siblings? That's what I was going to ask.

I have two brothers who, or I have three brothers, but the two that are obsessed with this podcast are both so jealous that I'm talking about them. Hold on. What are their names? Yeah, what are their names? Eric and Christopher. What's up, Eric? What's up, Christopher? How you doing? Thanks for listening, man. Big fans. Big fans. You're big fans of them? Sure. I don't know. I got turned around. I got excited. It got a little weird. I got excited. We got Eric and Christopher. All right. You will be big fans of them, I promise. But here's my question. What's your stepdad's name?

Mike. Does Mike kiss the boys on the lips? That's a good question. I definitely not.

my oldest brother. So they're just kissing their baby girl? They're kissing their girl. I think so. I think so. Yeah, I think so. That kind of gives me hope then. I don't know why. I feel like it would have been like a Tom Brady thing. Are you her brother? Tom Brady does kiss the boys on the lip. For a little too long. Yes, I've seen that and it's horribly... I hate watching that. It's horrifying. So listen...

Like we always say, it just comes on all the time. There's nothing else. It follows me. Let me say this. It is not as long as that kiss was. No, I hope not. That one's crazy. But again, seven rings do what you like. Do you and your brothers go back for the holidays together?

Um, we actually are this holiday. Usually we don't. Okay. Well, you've got a very special opportunity. You want to pitch? I do go. And I know I'm going to be the only one here. Cause I can feel the tone in this room. Oh, Anna, it's a loving gesture from mom and dad. No, no. We're here to solve the problem. Here's I am trying to solve it. You're in a bar. You're talking to your friends, right? My, as your friend, let's get real for a second.

Mike and mom aren't going to be around forever. That's true. Hold on. We don't live in goofy world. We live in reality. And there's going to be a time soon that you're going to go...

Remember when Mike would stand up with a big animated grid and then you would plant one on and you're going to laugh and go, what a guy. And you know what? He's been like my fucking dad since I was five. All right. And he filled a lot of emotional holes and he did a wonderful job. All right. Here's where I'm going. How old is Mike?

Mike is 65 years old. That could be allowed for another 20 years. 30 years. I don't want to get morbid here. I did also have a father, a biological father who passed when he was 61. So I think Jake's on the right track of this could happen sooner rather than later. Okay, but we're still trying to solve it. Hold on. Thanks, Anna. It's sometimes hard to hear. It's hard to hear that. Cut it out. Anna.

Number one podcast. Don't look it up. Anna, how about you in this time of people not wanting germs as much? You fake a cold. You're under the weather. You can't kiss. Maybe we can set precedent here. That's my first one. Okay? Okay. Then...

OK, and you can you can be like, I have a weak immunity, something like that. OK, what about also? I have we go. We go. Yeah, you have mono. We go aggressive. You hold it for a long time. See what that does. See how that shakes it up. The checkmate. Yeah, get weird with it. When they're pulling away, you hold them there for a little longer. You're a fucking weirdo. And my last one, my last one. Let's see.

Stop this holiday season using mouthwash. Let's make the breath real bad. Let's go old school football move. You can even sip a little iodine or something. Make the breath so bad that nobody wants to go in for the kill. Eduardo, you got anything off the top of your head? Any pictures of what you think she should do? How often do you visit them? How often do you see them a year?

Because you can't be sick all the time. Not often. Twice a year. Okay, you don't love him that much then. You could do a fake cold sore. Do you have a significant other coming home with you? Yes, I have a husband. Does he get jealous? Hey, that's my girl, bro. Hey, bro. Why you macking on my girl, bro? He starts to show the absurdity. He starts kissing Mike on the lips.

How far do we want to go? That's what you're doing. Basically, the Joker. How crazy you want to get, Mike? Okay, hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Anna, let's go. Let's get back to you for a second here. Okay? Okay. Now, I'm going to give you each pitch, and I want you to respond. Okay? Okay. Fake a cold. No. Okay? I'm going to pitch you another thing. Hold it long. Get weird. Okay?

That I'm always into doing more of the bit, more of what's funny than not. So I can't kiss in your step. Hey, we're just asking her questions. Don't tell me you're don't tell me that's kind of what Eric and Christopher like, because that'll ruin. I'm excited that we got fans in them.

You think it's funny to long kiss your stepfather? Hey, hey, she's open. Stay in Sherman Oaks. I'm not going to the crib. Okay. So you're kind of open to the idea. And this is for real, Anna.

Because holding a kiss back to Mike is creating a really weird dynamic. If we're going to do it, we do it right, Mike. I think I would choose my mom. I think if I were going to do the long kiss, I would choose my mom. And what do you think would happen? So mom goes, okay, honey, have fun. I'm going to Whole Foods. Bye. And she goes to kiss you, and you grab the back of her head. Oh, wow. Hold it for three seconds. What do you think would happen there? Walk us through it. I would be fearful that she...

enjoys it and is like, this is what I've been looking for, a big kiss. I'm not sure, but I do think that she, I don't know. I really think, I think she'd be a little weirded out. She'd like pull away and think I'm just trying to be funny. And so she would just laugh at me. I don't think it's going to solve your problem. No, because then I think here's what's going to happen. If anything, they're going to get their feelings hurt and they're going to go,

Anna thinks it's weird. And then Mike's going to go, I won't do it. I love her so much. I was very excited to see her. That's a win to me. That's not a win. I want stepdad to stop. That's where I have my line. What do you think about purposefully having bad breath?

I dislike that simply because I want to kiss my husband and I would feel bad for him. Well, if he has bad breath too, it cancels out. Yeah, medically speaking, from a biological standpoint. Just take a big bite of like a radish right before. And what do you think about your husband pretending to be jealous? Why don't you kiss me the way you kiss stepdad?

What do you think? I think that's pretty funny. There's no way he could convincingly do it. They are so close. Last one before we get to Jake's. He kisses Mike. Yeah, well, we had that. Husband kisses Mike. What do you think of your husband leaning? I don't like it. Right after he lays it on you. I don't like that. No, no. Listen, he goes like this. I guess there's no rules. And he kisses Mike. So here's where I'm going to go on this one.

Okay. I think we got some solid options. I think we got to really think about mom and Mike's feelings here. Yeah. And I think it's a vulnerable spot. You're their little baby girl. They're so excited to see you. And they're going a little over the top. You know what would be worse? If they weren't excited to see you. That's true. And I know that as a fact because that's how my mother is. All right. All right.

I wish that woman kissed me on the goddamn mouth. That's not what this call's about. No. So I think you've got to lean into the fact that they love you so much that they do something a little bit weird. You've got to be grateful. Don't take that stuff for granted. As well as have an inside joke with your husband and your brothers, and that is whenever they do it, have one of your siblings or your husband try to take a photo of it. Create a photo book called...

Mom and dad kisses. And in a bunch of years, you have 10, make it a coffee table book that you give back to them in five years. Yeah.

Steel. We used to do this on New Girl. We had a camera operator. Oh, I remember this. You weren't there. With Casey, our camera operator used to always take breaks and sit on a curb and smoke cigarettes. And Trent O'Donnell, the director, took all these photos of him. And he sent us a series of Casey pics of this grumpy operator smoking here, smoking there. And together, it created this great thing. So, Anna, I'm really pitching this now. Yeah.

Lean in, have your brothers and your husband in on the joke where they take photos of it so that at a certain point, you have about 30 pics of Mike Lip kissing you in different stages in the next 10 years, hopefully. Then you guys as a family have a book of these kisses. And when the time comes that they're gone, you'll always love it. It'll make the moment really funny. You'll have to bite your lip not to laugh when he leans in. That's a good one. Bite your lip so it bleeds. Yeah.

What do you think of that? I love that idea. Is that something you would lean into? I really like it. I really like the gift idea because then you're giving me a perfect gift down the road. That's super sweet, dog. That's really sweet. And it could be really funny to do. Are you going back this holiday season? Yes. Will you send us the pics of Mike and your mom lip kissing you?

I'm just laughing at the idea of that, but yeah, I will. This is the beginning of the book, right? And so if we can get those pics, we can put it in. It starts. And then this is really a book for you, your husband, your brothers, hopefully mom and dad at a certain point, but it's done out of love. You're not telling them to stop, but it's funny. And it's weird that they lip kiss you. So you guys are having a bit about it.

Yes. In return, I would like some pictures of that man smoking a cigarette off of New Girl. That would be great. Oh, Casey, I can get you. I got a bunch of Casey shots on my phone. You were literally there for about two hours total. No, no, come on. Ryan, the security guard, I saw a bunch of them. So I'm going to have them take pictures. I'll send you some pictures. I will save those pictures and then in 10 years, I will make a book and I will gift them that book and it will be the best bit of the family. I think that's a wonderful move. I think it keeps everyone's feeling high. Merry Christmas. All right.

All right, I'm out of here. Thanks a lot, Anna. Woo! That was it right there. Thank you, Anna. Thanks, appreciate it. Eduardo, thank you. Thank you, Eduardo. Thank you. And we're brought to you by Squarespace. We not only love Squarespace, I use Squarespace for all my personal websites, but we use Squarespace for the show all the time. Whenever we need to help a caller...

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Hello. Hello. Welcome to We're Here to Help. Hi, thanks for having me. You're on with Jake Johnson, Gareth Reynolds, and then a special guest from my new movie, Self-Reliance, a guy who played a ninja production assistant and just murdered it.

Mr. Eduardo Franco. What's up? What's up? What's up? Hey, when does Self-Reliance come out? It comes June 12th. January 12th. January 12th. You can watch it June 12th, whatever. It'll be there for sure. Whenever you want to watch it. Eduardo, you were excellent in the movie. You were excellent to work with. Every scene you did when you left, everybody talked about how great you were. You just blew me away. So thanks for doing the movie. That's dope, man. It's real. I mean, I told you in person, too.

Because you were just coming in and he plays the main ninja. I remember, yeah. Yes, you've seen it. And the first day when you came, you left, the whole crew was like, that dude's awesome, man. That dude killed it. That guy was awesome. We're like, yes, man. Because that whole tone is so weird. Yeah. So it really needed to be nailed. And I didn't know what the answer was. So I remember us talking and you were like, should it be like this? And I kept going like, let's try it, brother. That was dope about working with y'all, man, is it was almost like,

I don't want to say that everything was set in stone because it was solid. I also don't want to say, oh, we were bullshitting. That's right. Because that's a dumbass thing to say. But it's somewhere in the middle. It was so smooth and fun. Yeah. The set was just... You weren't there. So can we get your name, please? Alex. Where are you calling from, Alex?

Houston, Texas. Houston. And what's the problem of today? What can we do to help? Hey, Jake. Houston. She's got a problem. Gareth. Honest to God. Cut it out. Jesus Christ. Somebody had to do it. Yeah. Okay. So go ahead, Alice.

Yeah, so I'm getting ready to publish my first novel, which is real exciting. Thank you. And I'm obviously pretty excited to share that with my friends and my family. But the problem is that it's a romance novel, and there's a handful of explicit sex scenes. And I'm struggling with the thought of my dad listening to me narrate those scenes in graphic detail in the audiobook.

How are we talking insertion graphic? I mean, yeah, parts are named. Things are put places. So when it's a romance novel, Alice, it's kind of like a sexy, you know, Danielle Steele sort of. Yeah. Or like a 50 Shades of Greyish. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't know if we're quite, I mean, we're not quite there. Like, there's sex in it, but sex is not the point of the novel. So there's only maybe like three scenes. Wait, there's romance novels and then sex novels? They're not the same thing? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. They're all the same thing. Well, romance, Edouard,

What a 29-year-old. There's a big difference between sex and romance, young man. I just remember at Walmart, you'd walk through the books, and they'd be next to the video games, because they're magazines. Oh, this is different. Actually, I hear what you're saying. So there'd be a buff Flavio. Yeah. So, Alice, do you know what he's talking about? Because I actually am with him. Yeah. Is that a romance novel where there's a hunk and a horse? Well...

But you know what I'm talking about. It sounds a little, it sounds a little insinuating. It sounds a little bit like my Google search. All right. We'll be right back. Got it. So Alice, what's the title of your novel? It,

It's a tangle of serpents. A tangle of serpents. That's a gangbang. Cut it out. Sorry. What's the lady that turns you to stone? Medusa. Medusa. Yeah. So is that – Medusa, yeah. Will you give us a one or two line pitch of the book so we can wrap our heads around it?

Sure. Yeah. So it's actually a modern day mafia romance in which forget about a fight. But normal woman gets mixed up in some events concerning the local mafia and kind of stumbles into the attention of the mafia. Don, I think the mafia dong more like it. Is this is this based in Houston, Texas?

The Houston Mafia? It is based in Houston, yes. So I got a question for you. Y'all got a major problem. Y'all messed with the wrong thing. I'll tell you that much. You ain't understanding what we're putting down. Now this whole area belongs to the Carlisles. Has for a long time. Look how they massacred my boy. Listen, we'll pay you a shut up fee. So Alice...

The question then, now we got a sense of the book. Gareth has had a lot of fun doing the voice. Maybe more to come. Who knows? I can guarantee more to come. Well, I don't hate the idea. And so the question is what? How do you tell your friends and family that you got this book and knowing they're going to hear you do the audio version where there's sex scenes? Is that the kind of question? Where are we at?

I have no issue with my dad having willful ignorance about these sex scenes, like knowing they exist but not really knowing. Sure. My thought was, I want to cut those scenes out in the audio book that he listens to, but if I do that, it's really obvious. Yeah, don't cut it out. Don't cut it out. Well, I was actually thinking we'd take a different track. I was hoping you guys could help me

figure out a way to fill in those gaps with like a pg friendly dad version i i like that glosses over those scenes every time they're about to have sex they just start grilling or they have to fix something around the house well let's get to this squeaky door yeah

Exactly. Every time. I got the WD-40. Yeah. I like the idea. It might help us if you could, I'm not saying read it to us because that'll take too long, but why don't you walk us through where it's starting, then there's a sex scene and where it's going and we can maybe figure out a patchwork version. I think that's smart.

Yeah. So the first one, and for context, it's about maybe halfway through the book. So they've been building a lot of sexual tension. As a reader, I like that. It's a slow burn. I can't jerk off. Sorry. Go ahead. You know, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up.

People used to like before. Oh, yeah. Wait, what? Eduardo's question is about to be. People whack it to a book. Yeah. Yes, young man. There was a world pre-internet. No way. Yeah. There's no way people ever whack it to a book. Oh, yeah. That's crazy. Like no pictures. No. No. You don't know what we used to masturbate about before the internet. No.

I don't even know how to explain it. This is a whole phenomenon. This has been talked about. But men used to leave porn, like Playboys, in the woods for other men. That's true. I did find one one time by the river in my hometown. That was pre-internet. It wasn't a Playboy. Okay.

So how long is the sex? Is it, is it three lines or is it four pages? Yeah, it's, it's some pages. Nice. It's almost an entire chapter. The first one, but I don't think these replacements need to be that long. No, I agree. It's more just there. They're,

They're in a moment. She's recently been in danger and he has rescued her and he is yelling at her because he was so afraid for her safety. Okay. Keep going. And they have this kind of like the tension comes to a head. Okay. Keep going. They're in his office. Uh-huh. And in the book. Hold on. Stop. You're telling me you couldn't masturbate about this, Eduardo? Keep going.

Garrett and I are there. Jake, don't stop him. Let her finish, Jake. Just looking at words and just getting a boner. Yeah. Crazy. You never had a word hard? By the way, we got a title. All right, so keep going, because by the way. I'm harder than this cover. I got to tell you, Alice, this is kind of a hot scene. Yeah. So there's a lot of tension. They're all mad at each other, but he really cares about her. He saved her life. Saved her life. And then keep going. Where are we at?

adrenaline's high, all that. So ends up, tension comes, you know, to a point. Yep. He ends up pushing her against the wall. They start to go at it. Nice. They have round one in the office. Nice. Jiu-Jitsu. Ha ha ha.

So who tapped out first? So they sparred. Okay. Round one. The hard spar. Round one goes to her. Round two. Okay. So where does round two take place, Alice? In his bedroom down the hall. Okay. Wow.

So there must have been about a 45-minute walk from the hallway to the... He's an old mafia boss. He's eaten a lot of carbs. He is apologizing, saying the next one will be better. We've all been there. You're just so beautiful. It's been so long. Really? The hot part about it is I haven't had sex in years. I didn't think this would be happening tonight or I'd be prepared. Honest to God, I did not expect this, and it could tell by my performance. I would have seasoned the pan.

is there any written talk about his disappointment in his own performance no no there's not and she's saying like honestly it was great and he's like no but you didn't you didn't finish way better oh no yeah he's

He's amazing. I know you were close. Well, now you took me out of it. This is not a book I can masturbate to. Hard to relate to. I gotta find something. Representation. Alright, so this human stallion does the unthinkable and they're going for a second round in the bedroom. Yeah. So how about this? Let's just take a quick second. They're in the office. They're fighting. What's his character's name?

Damien. Damien? Damien. And then what's her name? Elizabeth. Elizabeth. Okay. Liz to her friends. What if we jump to when it got to it, Gareth in his accent read those chapters. I'm going to read a couple of these chapters real quick. I'm Damien's friend. What do you think of that? And you can say before him, you could say, Dad, we're doing this because I didn't want you to hear me read these, but they're important things. So I got my friend Gareth to read these.

As she put her hand down his pants, he moved it away. He wanted to go all hand first. That was for the bedroom. Boy, I'm about to... Boy... He turned... Yes. Yes. So, what is...

Could if we got it to you would you ever read the female part and send it to Kevin on you? Would you that's great? You can say no you can say no Dude if somebody wants me to read a female part a thousand percent So Alice we have a real pitch for you and that is you explain to your dad

on the audio tape, what's about to happen. Then Eduardo and Gareth jump in and read the sex chapters. When they have different dialogue, they jump in. This is just for your dad and your friends. That is it. It's for family and friends. But those people get that. And then you can show them this episode before and

so that they understand why you're doing it. This is a great pitch. And that is then solved. It's funny, but they're not losing or we're not writing fake chapters. Alice, even if you don't want this pitch, I want it. So I don't know what to tell you. What do you think of that, Alice? I could go for that. I mean, that solves my main problem. I'd be 100% game for that. The only other option is just do it, narrate it, and then disappear.

Yeah. So you got two options. Eduardo and I can read a dad friendly version. You just got to you got to leave. Alice, you got two real pitches here. The group over here is willing to help you out and narrate your book for just family and friends, not for posting or any of that stuff, but really for your dad or to.

When the audio book is sent to your father, you disappear. You gotta leave. You gotta go. You become a mariner. What would you like to do? The ocean is your life. I mean, I would like to still be able to attend Christmas dinner. Okay. You know, in years to come. And so Alice, what do you think you're going to do here in closing?

I feel like option one is going to be where we, I'd love to go. If you guys could read those for me. Yeah. You send Kevin what you need and we'll get it done. We'll get it done for you. We'll send it back to you. And then we would ask for maybe, uh, your dad's information to have him on after he hears. Uh, it's a great way to do it. I think maybe we get dad to talk about the book. I don't think we're going to need you on for that Alice. Nope. But maybe we just talked to your dad about that and the chapters and that's how we can close this. Wait. So, uh,

It'd be really dope if he did get a censored version and then we get the full version and we start asking him about like the full version. And he's just like, what are you talking about? It's just like, no, that's not the right book. No, we've solved. We can't take back. We're not opening up now. We're closing up. I know, I know. But like, I'm just saying it'd be really funny if like,

would be like he saw something else like my buddy was talking about one time like you know like you would buy a cd and it's like there's like the explicit version yeah he told me like when he was a kid he would get the explicit one and his friend his parents were like really religious so they'd give him the yeah it'd be like different yeah yeah so his friend would be like really funny and then i

And then he can see the circle. While I put it, always gonna, me and him. He thought it was a creative choice to go silent. He's like, man, he really left a lot of space. You have a third option.

The third option is you just create, it just cuts. And then we'll have your dad on and we'll interview him. No, the third option would be, but Damien took his hand and slid it. Next chapter. As she moved closer. Please don't, said. Yeah. As he slowly let it slip.

She couldn't until all of the sheets were. I didn't expect this, but I kind of like option three. You do a dad family version and you literally do what they were just talking about in certain songs. You omit phrases. He took his big inside of her. She screamed with.

Until he... And then, together, at the same time, she took his hand, his mouth, slowly. Alice, this is a moan. She couldn't... Throw a moan here and there. Alice, this is a really fun way of doing it, actually. Because you could then say to them, just so you guys know, because you're my family and friends, some of these sex scenes, I edited. A little bit. But I still need you to listen to them, because there's story stuff that happens. She went to her knees and begged...

He obliged with this might be the best idea. So, Alice, three options now, and it's up to you. He thrust his one. Do you want the edited version like that where you just read it and then you cut out stuff, which I think would be very funny? Two, do you want Gareth and Eduardo to try to read it and send it in? Or three, do you want to send it and disappear?

Probably not disappearing. Okay, so we can take that off the table. That Christmas dinner's gotta be banging, dude. She wants to go back to that so bad. It's gotta be really, really good. God damn, I need that type of dinner in my life, yo. Holy shit, yo. Yo. Yo.

Interesting take. That's not what I saw. It's true, though. You're right. I can't disappear. She keeps mentioning that one dinner. I cannot disappear. I want to go back to Christmas. Oh, Jesus. That's a great thing for a character in a movie. I have to be a thing. I have to. We have to get you back to Earth. Why? Because Christmas dinner is banging. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So we're not disappearing. You got to get back for Christmas dinner. Now you got one and two. One is the edited version like it's a CD.

And you just lose words. And that will create its own really funny rhythm. But then they are hearing it the way it was written. Because if it's Gareth and Eduardo, it's going to be a different bit. And what's going to happen is they're going to pay less attention to the story. But it's going to be a fun thing for everyone. But that's emotional stuff between Damien and Elizabeth. And you do take yourself seriously as a writer. And these people in your life care about you as a writer. So they want to hear your story.

Your dad especially is probably your number one fan and he's excited as fuck to read it. And he's probably less excited about some guys from a podcast doing their bit. Not necessarily. Now, maybe I'm wrong. Yeah. Our demo of over 55 is very small. And I checked the numbers. So a version of you doing it and editing for your dad. If I'm the dad there, I'm hard laughing. Yeah. If it goes. Easy with the word. Agreed. I'm sorry.

Real talk. Media laughing. Sometimes hard laughing, but honestly, these days, less. I'm just happy if I'm laughing. So where are we at? I think I'm leaning towards cutting only certain words in the middle of the chapter. I love it. Me too. I love it. I hadn't thought of that. Can you do us a favor then that we might use a part rather than your dad? Can you send us a clip?

from the sex section that we could play at the end of this so that we could go. First of all, Eduardo, thank you for joining us. Alice, we are loving your thoughts on it. And at this point, we would like to play a section of your book, Tentacle of Serpents. Enjoy.

Tentacle of Serpent. Wait, what's the name of it? Where did we go? Wait, what's it? Tangle, Tanglement? Tangle. Oh, okay. Tentacle of Serpent. Tentacle of Serpent. It's a different book. Genre of romance. It's a lot of penis. I'm all wrong. I'm all wrong. It's like suction cups. Tentacle on the penis. That's a disgusting book. I don't know why I wrote it. It changed. I visually need to see that version. So this is called Tanglement of Serpents? A-Tangle.

A tangle of serpents. A tangle of serpents. Yep. Please enjoy. I'm so out of it that I don't even realize he's moved until I feel his tongue flick across my for the first time. He repeats the move using short, pointed strokes of his his me and he just so effortlessly finding that maintaining a steady rhythm pumping his while his eases me he brings me to within minutes.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKean. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio and our video editor is John DeBruin. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at HelpfulPod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. That was a HeadGum Podcast.