45: Skid Marcc with Mary Holland
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And here we go.

We are back! All right, another episode. And we got a fun one. Yes, absolutely. We have a guest. We have the great Mary Holland. Who is fantastic. Yes. I know her, well, from a number of things, but she was on Who? Yes. A bunch, and was like the most versatile voiceover actress. I've worked with Mary, I believe she was on New Girl too, but I've worked with her a bunch. She is always somebody who can do everything.

everything yeah and um and she's in your film self-reliance and she's now on hulu now on hulu uh she was one of the i wrote it with her in mind she was one of the first people i want to cast i knew if i had her in the family and i told her this that i knew the family was going to work yes which it does because she can be really tough yep while being funny yes and if it went one way too much in either direction i didn't think it was going to work totally she's great she is a home run and really great on this show and what a problem what a

problem. Two problems. Yeah, but there's one. And then the Garf Man has a tour coming up. That's right. Jake, you're not the only one who's hit pay dirt in the Hollywood business. I myself have also been crushing. I'm going to be going everywhere starting February 26th.

You can join me on the road. You can go to garethreynolds.com for any of these tour dates. I'm going to be in Las Vegas, Salt Lake City, Denver, Wichita, Springfield, Missouri, Des Moines, Iowa, Kansas City, Tulsa, Oklahoma City, Dallas, Houston, Austin, San Antonio, Lafayette, New Orleans, Madison, Milwaukee, Chicago, Cleveland, and then there's more to come. It's a lot. So go to garethreynolds.com if you want to join me for any of those shows. And if you're a fan of the show, we ask you to go support the Garfman and also...

Please check out our YouTube. Our numbers are shockingly embarrassing. Yes, we're mortified. We're doing really well on audio and we love you for it. But we're doing, you know, two kids from the suburbs of somewhere. It's Wayne's World. We're doing Wayne's World on YouTube. Ha ha ha!

Hey, man, check out our show. We're in his studio. But it's good. It is very fun to watch the show, especially when we have guests on and all that. But we really do appreciate everyone talking about the show and telling each other. So we thank you for supporting and listening and telling your friends what you have. And then we're hoping we got some younger people who like YouTube. Yeah, go on YouTube. We're going to have 80 views. If not, we're going to Rumble or Twitch.

Don't make us do this. What the hell is Rumble on Twitch? Jake doesn't even know what it is. Anyway, we appreciate it. Enjoy the episode. It's a great one. And without further ado.

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And we're brought to you by Philo. You know Philo. We love Philo. Philo's got current seasons of shows that I and Jake and Shark can't miss on networks like A&E, MTV, Discovery, and TLC. I've got shows like The Office, Martin. If you haven't watched Martin, and The Office.

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Welcome to the show. We're here to help. Hi. Hi. Can I get your name, please? Layla. Layla. Where are you coming from, Layla? Nashville, Tennessee. Nashville. And what's your age? I'm 24. 24. You're on with Jake Johnson, Gareth Reynolds, and...

A Phil Hartman type actress who I've worked with many times and I adore. She is in the movie Self Reliance, which I directed, and I'm in. Her name is Mary. Hi, Mary. I'm actually, my parents live in Franklin, Tennessee.

So, yeah. So anyway, there was a pause there where I thought she wasn't going to be into it. All right. So anyway, should I get to my problem? Is Mary OK? I'm good. I'm good. I can name any town in any state. Hey, Mary, give us three more cities in Tennessee.

All right, Layla. So what are you calling about today, Layla? What can we help you with? Okay, so originally when I reached out, I had a dilemma where I'm dating this guy. We've been dating for around four months. He came over for the first time and we were getting busy. Now, we were just warming up and I was like, oh, I have to use the restroom really quick. Ran to the bathroom, came back. I'm like, okay, we're great. He goes, oh, I have to go too. So I'm like, oh,

Okay, that's fine. That's fine. Whatever. Very understanding of you. You say that like he said something weird. He just said he had to do what you just did. I also will move weights. Oh, that's fine. That's fine. Very cool, Layla. I'm super chill with people using the toilet. I'm one of these girls. Go for it. So you're hooking up. Layla, let's give this guy a name just so we can have something to refer to him as.

Let's call him Mark. Mark. With a K or a C. Who cares, but I do. Yeah, it's weird. We're going to say two Cs. Two Cs? You're a lunatic. You guys are in a weird standoff. The two of you, what you've just done to Mark, standard name, now it's Marxist. Yeah, exactly. Layla, hold on. The fact that you said casually we're going to go with two Cs means you're a true maniac. Hey, fuck it. Can I add a K? So that's M-A-R-C-C-K is Mark. I like that.

I like that. Okay. So you're with Mark. You're hooking up. Just warming up. Warming up probably. Clothes are still on. But you're just crying. Yes. Easy. No. That's one. Listen, listen, listen. Okay, listen. This is important. So my bed is all white because, yes. Oh, boy. It comes from the bathroom.

Can we just enjoy that detail for a moment? The bed is all white. Yeah, that's a great... Oh, God. So we call a setup. Okay, so the bed is all white. I don't think it's going to stay that way for long. I don't think it's going to stay in that way. And we're back. All right, Layla. This is the show. So you've got... That's it. Thanks so much. So you've got the white bed. Mark comes back.

Yes. All the clothes are off. And I'm doing something on him. But he's sitting down and doing something to him, obviously. He gets up so he can take positions. And I see something dark on the seat. Like in the glow of my bathroom, I see something dark on the seat. So I'm like, oh, crap. Maybe I started my period unexpectedly. So I like flick on the light because these are expensive sheets. And it's the mark of booty cheek. And like the brown shit.

kid in the middle. What? And I'm like, where he was sitting. Like a dog with worms. Did the, when you said the marks of booty cheeks, I just want to make sure I have that correct. Well, you are a doctor. You always have. We also have a title for the episode. I always have been a doctor. Yeah.

The booty cheeks... Are you saying there's an imprint? Or did the booty cheeks also leave a stain? No, the booty cheeks left a stain. Like dirt marks where the cheeks are and in between the cheeks. No. Dirt marks. Wait, wait. And just to be clear, because it sounds like we're tracking a Yeti. Did the...

So there were the dirt marks on the booty cheeks, but then are you suggesting also there was a trail from the center? Yeah. And different colors? Just so I can be very clear. Wow. Guys, I got to get out of the weeds on this. I have a soft stomach and I'm thinking of barfing. Do it on my white bedding. So Layla, I need to know before we dive deep into this, is this 100% true?

1,000% true. We're 100% with you now. You're in a world of hurt. This is disgusting. As your friend, because you call him. And you were just on him. I'm sorry this happened to him. Your body was touching his body. You were being romantic. You were being kind. And he leaves you a shit stain. Generous. I would even say. It gets worse. It gets worse. It's great. Keep going, sweet Lyle. I'm sorry. I hate Mark with two Cs and a fucking K.

Wipe your fucking ass, Mark. All right, Jake. Let her keep going. Layla, I'm with you. I hate this. We're all with you. But you're going to take a dump at a lady's house. Take a shower. All right. You animal. All right. I don't know. I think I'm against her. I thought you were going to say you were against the shower post dump when you get against it. I think it's the most. Let's hear Mark's philosophy.

recipe out a little bit. No, I'm just kidding. Keep going, Layla. Okay. Okay, so when the lights come on, notice this booty. We kind of just stared at each other for a second, but back at the spot. And in dead silence, I just take the sheet off my bed to go spot clean it because there is a sheet and I really care about my bedding. So I'm just silently...

rubbing the seat and he started to regress and I was like we can just talk about it later and he just left. Oh my god. What was your read of him? Was he proud? Is that really your question? No.

So I'm glad we got a doctor in here. Yes, Lila, I can answer for you. He was very proud. Lila, did you high five him when he put his hand up for the high five? I think what he said is, why are you cleaning up my shit, Stan? Where are your marks, lover? Where are your marks, lover? But did he seem ashamed? Yeah, did he seem mortified?

He was mortified. I couldn't care about his feelings because my cotton sheets were had. I love. Yeah, I agree. I agree. Did the stains did the stains come out just to jump ahead and then we'll get back in? Were you able to get the stains out?

Mostly, there's a faint memory of him. He ruined the sheets. Layla, he ruined those sheets. That's how. We call a ghost turd in the afterlife business. Go ahead, Jake. And so what is the... I got this. Mary, I've got this. He doesn't. Mary, I'm doing great. I know. What is the question here? Because all I see is you're a lady who lost some sheets and they're expensive. And a man. And a man.

He's dead. Here's the question. We ended up meeting later for coffee so we could talk about it. Wait, you did? Why are you feeding this man coffee of all beverages? He's a leaky spouse. I wanted to get the answer. Why? I needed an answer. Why would you? Hold on. Did you reach out to him after or did he reach out? Walk us through that, please. I reached out to him because he was obviously too ashamed. And I'm an understanding person.

I just said, hey, let's grab coffee and maybe we could just chat. I didn't want to be, you know, broad. Respect. Yeah, I like that play. That's very nice. And then what happened at the coffee? Will you walk us through that? I finally bring it up and he's just like,

what? I thought I went too good. And I'm like, what did you just say to me? And then he explained further that he was never taught how to properly clean his body and that he doesn't like to touch his butt. So he tries to do it as little as possible. Wait, he tries to do as little as possible. Yeah.

This is a turn I didn't expect. This is a crazy toilet philosophy. Touch his butt. So I'm thinking, here's my dilemma now. Do I come up with some anal cleaning curriculum here? Or do I just let this man be? Because I'm wondering. Oh, you're thinking about his life.

I'm like, should I just help him out? No, she's just thinking about him as a human. Yeah, but I mean, as far as a romantic partner, that is over. Well, no, yeah. But he never smells bad or anything. He's so nice and so funny. You heard his philosophy, do as little as pot. This is not long term. Well, hold on. And Layla, I do think...

You know, he pooped on your sheets. Yeah. And so I think at that point... I don't know. What do you mean you don't know? Jake. I don't know. Jake. I don't know. Jake. Layla. He didn't know better. He doesn't smell bad, and he was raised poorly, and the poor man just doesn't like to touch his own bottom. Okay, well, let me ask you this. Kevin's got that issue. All right, not the hunk of the show. Stop it.

Kevin hasn't wiped in two years. I have never seen him touch his own butt. There, I said it. He's told me. He goes like this. Why would I want to touch my own butthole? And I go, to wipe. And he's like, ew, it's a butthole. Yeah, and then he sort of scooted away.

Let me ask you this, Layla. Does any part of you think that if you could fix this, you would want to get back into this? That's the right question. Yeah. Like, do you feel like you got a good guy except for this? Well, you know how they say certain women like to see men as like projects? Yes. This would be a big project. This is big. This is a foundation. Is he a project or are you just trying to help him on planet Earth? Well,

Well, I feel like both. It depends because I think if we all come together and create a solid curriculum, he could come on the other end of this so clean because right now I feel like it's... Listen, because you have such a good character, so it's a battle of goodness versus character. You see what I mean? I do, yes. If you come up with a curriculum, I would like for you to send that to me. Well, we're going to come up with it right now. And we're going to come up with the pitch of how to get there. So, Layla, here's what I think we can help you with. If this is not the right pitch...

then you tell us. Okay? We're going to try to figure out how you can talk to Mark and teach him how to clean his ass while not humiliating him and keeping the option of, if you clean that ass, I'll finish what I started. Title idea. Jake only speaks in titles now. I mean, when it's there, it's there.

So what do you think of that idea of what we can help you with? Is that why you're calling in? Yes, you guys. Help me get them back to the flat. Okay. So quickly, just so we know a little bit, how much do these sheets cost, roughly? $150 for the flat sheet. For the flat sheet alone? That is crazy. And I say it's important to know that because...

Those mean a lot to you and eventually that's going to have to come back for you to fully forgive them and move on. They just are. This is going to be two years later and you're going to be in a fight and you're going to go like, disgusting ass piece of shit. $150 shit. So you got to get that back. By the way, I would just say if I were him, I would also consider that this couldn't work because you do have the Trump card for any argument. And it would be bad. I taught you how to wipe your butt. Well, at least I wiped my ass. You're like, all right.

I also just want to say quickly, Layla, I love that you invest in your betting. Okay. Yes. So Layla, when he, when he talked about his childhood and how he was taught, what did he say specifically?

His parents never physically showed him how to shower. How to shower? Well, like clean his body. So he'd have to figure it out by himself. So his philosophy, this is what he was supposed to do. After he cleans, he wipes once. And he thinks that has everything out. Like even in the shower, when he cleans his butt, he wipes once. Sorry. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Just so I can do a little math. Yeah. We get one wipe after the act. And that's it. And then in the shower, we get one wipe. But if he takes a shower. And so at no point are we ever- Check in. Fully-

Clean, clean. Yeah. I'm going to tell you what, he's going to love you for teaching him how to do this. It feels better to be clean now. But the other thing I'm going to say is this. Wow. A lot of times when relationships begin, I know in my relationship with my wife, we still laugh about how I lived.

I was in Hollywood. I was on a futon. She said that I had a down blanket that had holes in it. And she said, I put the blanket over us and feathers were little feathers went everywhere. But we love it. It's like a magic show. Yeah. I love that. That's celebratory. But like doves, the joke she'll have is like you went from basically like living in the woods. I used to think that Pepsi was the same as water. Oh, boy. So and that pasta was very healthy.

So a lot of relationships do start with a version. That's true. Let me civilize you a little. This is an extreme one. Yes. But Mark has not learned how to wipe his goddamn ass. And to Mark's credit, he came to this coffee and was honest and was honest. And another thing I'd like to say is I don't. And maybe maybe I'm the Mark, but I don't. Please tell me you wipe your ass.

I never do. It's self-cleaning. I don't know if my parents ever walked me through how to take a shower. I think at a certain point, you piece that together. No water and just a little bit of soap. We all kind of get there when we get there. Here's what I would say, Layla. You seem to like this guy's character. You seem to think he's a potential winner.

I would potentially, rather than sit down with them face to face and explain how to do it, maybe send them a YouTube video. Love that. And start off and just say, I want you to watch this and I want you to do it. And you could also say, I'm willing to be with you, not in the bathroom, but be with you when you do it because I'm going to walk you through this, Mark, because I care.

Now what? You're entering a world of real intimacy between you two. A real team. And also, I mean, I also just want to put out there, what a cute story for your wedding. What a not cute story. So Mary, will you do the speech as the bridesmaid? Yeah, of course. So Layla, you just got married to Mark, and now we'd like to bring up Layla's best friend, Mary Holland. Hi, everyone.

Oh, first of all, Layla and Mark, I'm so happy for you. Love you both so much. Listen, we all know the road to true love never runs smooth, but sometimes it runs a little too smooth. Am I right, Mark? Oh, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. For those of you who don't know, Mark... Keep going. Keep going. You're at a wedding.

Mark... Well, basically, they were warming up. They were hooking up. They were warming up. And they both went to the bathroom. I'll just walk you through it. So they were dating. They went on a date. And it was like things were good. And so Layla has... Layla's got nice sheets, okay? And if you know anything about Layla, that's my girl. If you know anything about her, you know that she loves her bet. We all do. But Layla really takes care of it. And so Mark...

Pooped on it. And you know what? Anybody else, and this is a testament, and I know everybody's telling me to shut up right now. But this is a testament. Let me finish. This is a testament to their love because Layla, anybody else in that situation, would write Mark off and say, never again. This person pooped in my bed. All right. But anyway, give me the mic. All right. But Layla's...

But Layla said, no, I'm going to help this person because I really see a future. Shit. Smash. I really see a future with him. So anyway, I think it's wonderful. And I love you guys. To Mark and Layla. Yes. I think it's a very uncute origin story. I love it. Especially that you taught him how to wipe his butt. Butt.

I think there's something about the YouTube video. I think there's something about being honest and clear and saying, if you're into this, I can show you how to wipe.

But you got to do it if we're going to be real. Where are you at, Layla, in terms of where we're kind of talking right now? I'm thinking I'm definitely going to do the video idea. I thought maybe it could be cute, too, if we showered together. That's cute. Ew, ew, ew, ew. Hold on, hold on. He has a dirty ass. I was just going to say, let's make that a secondary third. At some point, you have to relay the message very clearly that you're ass.

Ass needs to be clean. It just is a given. You're going to be outside the door shouting instructions. Kevin, do you have internet access? Yep. Will you Google really fast or go on YouTube and see if there are videos? I got them all up, Jake. You do? No, I don't. Just go to your history. But they were up before, right, Kevin? Yes. You do a side podcast. Swipe Bros? We're going to look at something right now. Swipe up? And see if they're swipe up.

Oh, boy. He comes in and he nails it. Front to back. Yeah. See if there's a video of anything there that we could send her away. Because what I would love you to do, Layla, is send this to him. And then I think I would like a follow up with both you guys. Kevman, do we have anything teed up? Yep. There's a video called Skid Marks. And we'll send that your way. That's a DJ. Do you have anything? So here's what we recommend, Layla.

We recommend you send in this video. The question to you is, do you want an email teed up or do you want to just send that cold? Teed me up an email, please. Okay. Let's start that email. Does anybody want to start it? Mary? Oh, gosh. Hi. How are you? Okay. Good. I hope you're well. Great. I'm doing okay. All right. Yeah, we're really... Getting in the weeds of the high. How are you? Small talk. So...

What what have you been up to lately? Okay, he can't answer I'm - yeah, I don't know if you know me, but you probably don't okay And then I'll leave to my end to be And then I'll say listen, I think that this You this this kind of video could be helpful for you. Yeah, I like that and you and you know, you don't have to respond. Ooh, okay, so

What do you think of something like that? Obviously, shave the first weird nine questions. Do you like cheddar cheese? Is this your email? What did your dad do for work? You can't just launch right into it. You could say they had a talk. They had a coffee. I think you could. Well, yeah, I think you get. I mean, I think just like, hey, listen.

I thought you were about to vape, young lady. That would be amazing. I was going to really see you differently. Mary's getting high as shit. I'm so high right now. I think like, hey, Mark, look, you know,

For our conversation, we had coffee. I really care about you. I want to like help you a little bit. And I think, you know, just watch this video again. There's no judgment here. I just really want to help you. And yeah, something like that. That's nice. And then, hey, who are you? And then what you could also do is if this is helpful, would love to see you again, because then you're basically saying learn to wipe that ass and I'll go on another date. But I can't.

If you're going to ruin my sheets. Yeah. What do you think of that? Yeah, I think this is perfect. Thank you guys so much. So let's see what we have, Layla. Let's do the email. Let's do the YouTube. And then will you follow up with us on his response? Definitely. OK, thank you for the call. And Mary Holland, thank you for being here. Yes, thank you. Thank you for having me, Layla. Thanks for sharing. And then remember, if you two do get married, Mary's got to come. I'm ready with a maid of honor speech. See you later. Thank you.

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Hi. Hi, welcome to the show. We're here to help. Hello. Hey, you're on with Jake Johnson, Gareth Reynolds, and one of the stars of the movie I directed, Self Reliance, and somebody who I adore on and off screen, Miss Mary Holland.

One of the stars of Hoops as well that Gareth was an executive producer writer on. One of the actresses on New Girl, which Gareth was on. One of the actresses in a Sprint commercial that I directed. A Sprint commercial that took place at a barbershop? And Stevie Berg was in it. I remember that one. I think that was all the credits we've done together. The first of many. The first couple of many. So can I get your name, please? Emily. Emily. How old are you, Emily?

I am 40 years old. And where are you calling from? I'm calling from the large state of Texas. You're talking east, west, north, south. Gareth is a big Austin guy. I just went to Austin. I was there yesterday. What a town. Where are you?

Oh, I'm in the West. West Texas. That is good for me. What can we do for you today? So I would like some help navigating a situation that my sisters and I find ourselves in. Our parents will be celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Wow. Wow.

coming up soon. Congrats to mom and dad. Made it to gold. I know. Congratulations to them. And my mom has been starting to plan it. It'll probably be in 2025 because that would be 50 years. And

She has it in her mind that she had it in her mind that she would like my sisters and I to lip sync or sing and dance to Sister Sludge's We Are Family. Oh, my God. Wow. That is a big ask. I like mom. Lip sync or you can sing. Hey, that's an option, too. She wants you. If we're feeling brave. Emily, how many sisters do you have?

Two sisters. So she wants the three of you to sing We Are Family. Yes. And I'm pretty convinced it's only for that one line. I've got all my sisters with me. Of course. Well, also, We Are Family. The first half is pretty great, too. That's appropriate, too. Yes. Yeah, okay. So she wants... Or it could even be Everyone Can See We're Together as we walk on by. Yeah, go ahead. How much of it do you know, Garth? Huh? Wait a minute. Let it rip a little bit. And we're fucked just like birds of a feather.

I don't tell no lie. The people around us, they say, can we be that guy? Is this the song? Yeah. Doesn't sound like anything I've ever heard. Yeah, me either. It started, but then your face got really red. Well, I was watching you. But your eyes got aggressive. Your eyes got scary. Well, you're shouting it. Remember, this is a song about- You were saying we are a family, but your eyes said, I'm going to kill you. I've always imagined this drunk at a Christmas. Yes. So you're just going like, we have-

No, that's not what this is called. All right, we'll cut that out. We're back. First of all, Emily, I'm sorry. I'm very sorry. I don't feel good. I feel bad. So I'll be totally frank with everybody. I'm not happy. I think I threw my back out. It was shockingly aggressive. It was bad. It was scary. Yeah, I'm pissed. There is blood. I don't know where it's coming from. I'll locate it soon. Why are you mad? I don't know.

Something happened. I have a lot of family trauma from when I was a child, and I guess I just was, I'm furious. Golly. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, Mary. Thank you so much. I was waiting for someone to apologize to me. And I'm very sorry, too. Well, Jake already did it. Okay. That's a tough one to hear. So, Emily, we are going back to you. We are getting away from the Garfman. Absolutely. Smart call. Your mother...

and father are having their 50th anniversary and mom wants you to sing We Are Family with Your Sisters. I know that song. Continue. So,

So she approached each of us individually, but then we have our own text chain to be like, so mom just asked this. So we were already like knowing that the question was coming. And we each of us told her like, it's not something we're really comfortable doing. It sounds really awkward for us. It feels really, it seems like it would be really awkward for the people who were in the audience. Yeah.

It's weird. And so I propose. It's also her day, though, so keep going. It is her day. It's not really about... I got to tell you, when she gave birth to you, she wasn't like, this is really fun for me. I'm looking in my ball and seeing... Oh, I have to spread my legs in front of a doctor. This is a tad awkward. Oh, you're ripping through my vagina. All right. I'm loving this. Kind of did it for you, so keep going. So I propose... Yes. As like...

Maybe karaoke. Like, okay, let's just turn this into something silly that everybody is doing. Everybody takes a turn. She did not like that idea. I'm with mom. What's your mom's name, by the way, who I like more than you right now? All right, Jake. I'm into mom. Emily, what's mom's name? Her name is Connie. Connie. Sweet Connie. I'm 100% on Connie's team so far. So you then said a karaoke version, which is just putting a bunch of cream and coffee and calling it coffee. So you got sugar and cream and they're doing it. Jesus Christ.

I'm getting too hot. You want to know why I'm getting hot? Emily, Emily. Everyone can see. Sorry, go ahead. Maybe give it a little love and there's something there. Emily, you want to know why I'm so with Connie right now? Why is that? Because she asked you and told you clearly what she wants. Hmm.

And you guys said, yeah, but no. Well, what is the, what's the holdup? She's embarrassed. Well, is that it? I mean, it's, it does. Is it stage fright? Yeah. Yeah. How deep does this go? I mean, it's just, it's,

It's not something that the three of us would be comfortable doing. And we are trying to like actively. How many people are we expecting at this event? I don't have an idea on numbers, except my mom is inviting like a lot of our family. Okay. Pretty big family. And you're grownups. You're adults. Yeah.

And we're adults. I have one more question. I would say probably like 100 people. Okay. And Emily, are there other performances at this celebration? Or is there a band? Are there other performances or is this the only performance?

I think that she is like envisioning some like speeches and stuff like that. I don't have an idea that it's going to be like a dance party or anything like that. And so I don't think that it's going to be that. It seems like it's going to be like a dinner. And then they're going to do the clinking of the glasses. We,

clinking glasses yeah as you do um you're gonna close it down ours would be the only musical performance where in the program would it come did she specify the peak three quarters deep okay let her she talked about it i know what okay each of us kind of told her gently no i'm gonna lose my shit i'm gonna lose my shit i'm at a 10 out of 10 angry

Did she seem upset when you told her no? Disappointed. But I think that we get points. I think that we get points for like trying to come up with something. So we also ask. What? Hold on. Go ahead, Emily. Go ahead. In what world, Emily? Jake, you're not Connie. Jake is far deep in character as Connie right now. Honestly, Emily. He's got a shawl on somehow. I'm fighting tears. You're not wearing a shawl for this.

Because I'm not mad at you. Right. Well, I'm just hurt. All right, Connie. Emily, what was the counter pitch that you and your sisters gave?

So I suggested karaoke. Right. And she did not like that idea. And then my older sister suggested that like, oh, like, what if we just like take a speech? And she was like, okay, that's fine. But you can tell she's not excited about it. So I want to think of something that is exciting. This is a good call. Like the middle ground between...

Yeah. But between what she wants and something ridiculous. I got a GARF. You go first. No, go ahead. No, you go. OK, well, I OK, what you did, the speech pitch actually could end up helping us because you have now set expectation very low. You've gone from like a musical celebration to like, what if we all spoke and she didn't like that?

So the bar is low. So maybe what you do is without telling her you're going to do this, the three of you could get up there to start a speech and then you could have a backing track.

And you don't have to sing it, but you can start playing the song. And you can get the name and email of every guest there and let them know at some point during the ceremony, everyone is going to have to sing We Are Family. So you three can sort of start it. Cute. And then everyone will sort of support you throughout it. And then you all can sing it to them. And everyone can get up. Such a fun surprise for her, too. I love that. I love that.

My pitch is going to be something similar where it was like you could stand up to make your speech, but you like slowly bleed into the lyrics of the song. Oh, that's cool, too. And then you and then that's a good start. The three of you can build to that. Yeah. The three of you can start a speech that's a little regular and then start with the lyrics slow. And then the music comes up. You sing a little bit and then everybody joins in. Can I ask you a question, Emily? Yeah.

Could you... This is Connie or Jake we're talking to. What's the difference? All right. Could you give us a little taste? Just get over the anxiety and the weirdness and give us a little taste of how you would sing We Are Family.

Just push it. Everybody can do it. Nobody likes this feeling you have. But once you start, it's happening. Worst case scenario, we're going to tease you. Who cares? We tease each other all the time. We don't expect you to have the voice of an angel. Just go for it a little bit, just so we can know what we're working with. On three, two, one, action.

We are family. I've got all my sisters with me. This is great. Yeah, hold on. You're fine. You've got to do this. Shoulder shimmies in there too. Shoulder shimmies. Shoulder shimmies. Forget it. This is what I would say. This is what I would say. Okay.

I think the best version is what we kind of came up with, but just to put a finer point on it, the small little speech, just to tee up the magic of this moment. Yes. Then each of you takes part of the lyrics from the first verse. Yes. Yes. And your mother's going to kind of be like, huh? Then the three of you together start with the, we are family. And then everybody joins in. Oh,

Emily, it would bring the house down. So Emily, what do you think about that idea? Because first of all, yes, yes, yes. Saying you were fun. We got it. I was pretending I was at the event. I'm charmed. I think Connie would love it. What do you think about starting with a little speech where you tell your mom you don't feel comfortable? You'll do a speech. She's a little disappointed, but you say, sorry, we're just not doing it. Speech starts. It's pretty sweet.

I like Mary's idea of a line starts getting muttered, the early lyrics of it. Then one of you does the really hard transition, whichever sister is the bravest. And everyone can see that we're together. And even as we walk on by, Emily. Yeah, that's true. We sort of, we kind of walk like birds of a feather together.

I won't tell no lie. All of the people are right. And you gestured everybody to stand up. And then because also, Emily, and I know we just asked you what you think of it, and then we cut you off. But I do want to say... Welcome to the show, Mary. This is it. I do want to say, also, you are going to... If the worry is about, oh, all eyes will be on us, all eyes will be on you anyway when you're making speeches. And so this is like...

And then it's fun because it's communal. It's like church. You're singing a hymn. So what do you think, Emily? Would you consider selling your sisters on this idea to give your sweet mother the moment that she wants? And it's a sweet moment I've been trying to give to Pam for a long time. All right. That's my mother, Mary. Okay, go ahead, Emily. What do you think, Emily? Go ahead. I do like this idea very much. You do? Yeah.

And I don't think that it's that we all have like stage fright. I think that maybe it would be awkward to stand there and sing the whole song. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hear you. And it would be awkward to stand there and do it sincerely like it's a good version where people go like, what the fuck am I watching? These three sisters are nuts. What we're giving you is the Hollywood ending.

Because we've planted the seeds and then here is a version that's a little bit... This is my best friend's wedding. This is that moment. And you could also send it to everybody in the crowd besides your mom and dad and say, when we get into it, please sing with us. My mother asked for us to do it and we want to show her that we are all

All family. Yes. And we all love her and your dad. But we are all family to this group. And we're all sisters. Even the men. And I would do a secret email. I would try to email everyone the lyrics so that people are prepared for this as well. I think that's really fun. Emily, do you think you're going to do it?

I think I'm going to try really hard. I'll probably have to get my dad in on it. Sure. But like, I don't know. But my mom loves surprises way more than this is it. Play this for your dad and your sisters. So what do you think you want? Will you try to pitch your family and then get back to us? And if you need more help, we're on your team. And if not, if you just got it, then just follow up with us.

Okay, I will. This is going to work big. I love this idea. We're so excited, Emily. This is big. This is a winner. All right. Thank you all so much. I really love this idea. And guess what, Emily? We can both admit now we were fighting at the beginning, but now we're close.

What an arm. What an arm. I was really nervous. Emily, we were at each other's throats. No, she was not. You were at her throat. But guess what? We got all of our emotions out and now we're close. This is you. Yeah, I guess. All right. Emily, we're going to have to let you go. I love you so much, honey. Let's talk really soon. All right, buddy. All right. Thanks, Emily. Jake's a little lost in whatever happened. Thanks a lot. Bye, sweetheart. Love you, honey. Stop calling her sweetheart. Thank you. Bye, baby girl. Bye, my daughter. All right. Not your daughter. You're a man. All right. Go ahead. You're not Connie. Thanks. Bye.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKean. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at HelpfulPod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. That was a HateGum Podcast.