46: A Face for Animated Spider-Man with Stavros Halkias
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And we're back!

We're back. We're back. Another episode. With a hilarious dude. Ah, the fat rascal himself. You know his Netflix special, Fat Rascal. And if you don't, watch it now. Hilarious. Stavro Halkias is our guest. So funny. You can watch his special, Fat Rascal, on Netflix. He's also got a podcast called...

Called Stavi's World. Which you've done. Which I've done. Which is an advice show. But he takes emails and things like that. This dude, if you don't know him, he's so funny. He also did this unbelievably funny thing where he creates this character who's a Ravens fan. Oh, he's nuts. And he's a huge Ravens fan. And he's just a killer. And he's so good on the show. We appreciate having him. Yes. So I think you're going to enjoy this. Yep.

Enjoy that. Watch your movie, Self-Reliance. We're not going to stop beating that drum. I think it's, yeah. No. No, watch it again. And see the Garf Man on tour. On tour. Just go to garethrownells.com. I'm going from Vegas to New Orleans. How long are you going to be on the road, Garf? I'll be on the, I mean, for a while, over a month. Probably about six weeks with a few days home. And in the middle of it, at your lowest. Mm-hmm.

What do you think the lowest is going to look like? Because you've said on this podcast you've eaten on toilet bowls. Chewed. I was chewing. What's the difference? There's a difference. Did you spit it out? No. Did you swallow it? Well, it would be weirder.

That's called eating. Okay. The lowest, the low point will be probably about three quarters of the way through when there's a two show night. I'm tired. I'm sick of driving. My voice is hoarse and I've sort of caved on the diet. And at this point I go to the lobby at like 1230 at night and I don't have a problem letting them give me the judgy eyes while I get like three twixes. You know what I mean? And like a Fanta. What else is there? Yeah, it's a nightmare. I shouldn't get healthy and get like baked chips. Fuck off.

No, I'm not. No, there's probably going to be a baked chip phase. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Which will be where I'm lying to myself by about week two or something like that. But you're still hungry after them. Yeah, the low point will be that, and then I'll wake up with like a chocolatey nose and be like, who am I? Yeah, what happened? What's wrong? Yeah, yeah. And we ask you guys to...

Do nothing. Thanks for listening. Watch us on YouTube. Thanks to everyone who also sent us screenshots of them telling their friends. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Good. Yeah. So thank you guys for everything. And without the. But you enjoy the show. Not you. You ask. Oh, I'm going to listen to it. Oh, you're the audience. OK. Bye. Bye. Bye.

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Hello. Welcome to We're Here to Help. You're on with Jake Johnson, Gareth Reynolds, and fat rascal Stavros Halkis. How are you? I'm doing phenomenal. What about you guys? Well, we'll change that. Can we get your name, roughly your age, where you're calling from, and then just jump in with what we can help you with today. Yeah, I'm Amber. I'm 30. I'm from Northeast Ohio. Nice.

I'm calling because last year I started an OnlyFans. Okay. A little low on cash. So after about two months of doing that, I made like three grand. So I'm like, okay, maybe make an investment towards this. Wait, you made three grand in two months. So $1,500 a month. Okay. So I decided to find a niche of my own. Okay. Smart, smart.

The one I ended up coming up with was, you know, real doll the thing, but you never see women with a male doll. Ooh, interesting. You're not wrong on this, by the way. No. Okay. Okay.

So I bought one. And now quick question, Amber, before we go deeper, because these dolls, there's a lot of different kinds. There's the here we go. Plastic blow up kind that you throw in a pool and can kind of float on. And then there's those weird ones that look like kind of people and they cost a lot of money and you have to like change their innards after you're finished. I like the idea that, you know, they're different. Jake is being like, I'm.

I'm fairly familiar behind him as a freshly used real dollar. I'm not familiar with this market too much. Or my Elvis, my guy who works all of a sudden, you see it coming, I go, get the fuck out of here. Not now. You fucking rat, get in the corner. If I want Hannah, I'll say Hannah, not real doll. So what kind of doll are we talking, Amber? Okay, so I didn't go full out, but...

It is realistic. Okay. We're talking. Yeah. It's got like body hair and all that body hair. Like what kind of type of guy did you go for? Well, you're going tall, short, you're going heavyset, you're going skinny. You get to pick.

That's the issue. I wanted a tall guy. I'm like five, seven myself. And he's five, six. I can't even believe in the world of real dolls. Women are shaming short. Short sex dolls get less pussy. I'm not interested. What a world. You're fucking sex dolls. Sex dolls too short. You're too short. Incredible. So they don't have when you do it, you can't pick the dimensions.

Yeah, you can. Charges. The issue with that is it's so heavy, and I'm strong. Please tell me you got a fat one. He weighs over 100 pounds. I was hoping for 285. That'd be awesome. One that can't be used on Sundays because I'm watching the games.

It's a super real doll. One whose dick works sometimes, but it's not great because of his diet. You have to flip a coin. You press a button. It's like, hard or not hard? Sorry, babe. I got whiskey dick. You didn't get a real doll. You got a husband from the Midwest. Okay, so you get a doll. It's 100 pounds. It's 5'6". Gotcha.

Okay, so the fact that he's so heavy, he just kind of sits on my ab lounge in my basement. So the issue with that is I have a seven-year-old. Okay. Yes. So he's got questions. Whoa, he knows about it. Okay, let's hold on. Of course he does. She can't move him. Well, all right.

All right. Okay. Immediately. I think I have an answer here. Please. Now the, the hard dick might be an issue. You got to get a suit of armor to drape over this guy. You got to have it like, you got to have it like medieval times. Yeah. So that it just looks like you're really into like King Arthur shit. Yeah. You know, like that's the perfect, you know, or like star Wars or like, you know what I mean? Like, yeah. Like put some kind of memorabilia on it. Now the hard dick will be an issue. I'm not going to sugarcoat it.

Wait.

That's a doctor. If you're a doctor right now, you're going like this. You have stage four cancer. I'm not going to lie. You're going to die. But here's what you can do. The doll is five, six hundred pounds with a rock hard dick. I don't want that around any kid. I don't care if it's dressed like Han Solo. Fuck off. We got to put this thing on wheels and get it out of there. You can't have the kid go like, Mommy, I was wrestling with the Han Solo and I got poked. Why does Chewbacca have a human

So, Amber, you got what do you call this thing on the fans only on the only fans? Do you got a name for this boy? Yeah. What's his man's name? So, number one, the penis is removable. So I don't keep that on. Does it come in different sizes? Are you disappointed in that, too?

I like to switch it up. You know, sometimes it's less and sometimes it's not. Wow. So I actually have thought about dressing him up. Yeah. Maybe it's like a military man or something. Support the troops. Is that for you or for the boy to dress him up? You know, I've made him a cop. He's arrested me. Oh, yeah. This is about myself. Yeah.

So that's kind of what I told him because he asked me about it, you know, and I kind of did tell him it's like, oh, it's like a statue type thing. Yeah. I got some questions before we start, before we start pitching. I just got some backstory questions. Uh, what, what do you call it? What do you call in this five foot six or guy? What's his name? What do you call him? Oh yeah. Curious. Yeah. Do you guys remember the, the max steel doll? No. Max steel. No. Like a way cooler Kendall. Okay. Oh, okay. So I,

So I call him Max. Nice. Okay. So you wanted to fuck Max Steele as a child, basically. Boy, I'm looking at some pictures of Max Steele here, and this is quite a type. Okay. And so how's business been with Max? What was that? How's business been? You used to make $1,500 a month just by yourself, and then you got Max in the game. Has Max been worth the investment? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. That's not a ringing endorsement. Didn't seem confident. So what's, you were doing pretty good, 1500 bucks a month. You're not mad at that in Northeast Ohio. You're going, hey, I just do this little side thing. I'm showing a little bit of this. I'm doing a little bit of that. I'm making a little bit of money. I'm switching out the cocks. I'm having a little bit. No, this is pre-max. This is pre-max. Oh, right. And then you go, I'm having fun. How much did you spend on this doll?

I know I'm going down the side road, but I'm a business guy. I love numbers. No, this is good. This is good. It matters to me. This is like kitchen night. This is like OnlyFans nightmares. We go in, we look at your books. You know what I mean? Yes, exactly right. This is OnlyFans rescue. You're John Taffer. Oh, my dream. Your max is disgusting. You never clean your max before.

You got fruit flies swinging around this hot cock. And then you got some fucking yuck dude in a cabbie hat touching its butthole and going, this thing has never been cleaned, John. It's never been cleaned. So what'd you pay for Max, Amber? A little under three grand. Okay. $3,000. These things are expensive. Okay. Yeah. So that's two months of work. Has it spiked your sales? Have you gotten more money off of the Max infusion?

That's the thing. Since I got them, I kind of just haven't been doing so much of it because I work full time. What's the point? I know. You've invested. You can't just get a real doll for your kid.

I don't mean to Columbo this one again, Gareth, but something's not adding up. Go, bro. So I got to say, it started with my fucking, where's one more thing when you were talking the numbers, because a lot of these OnlyFans people are making big money. Yes.

So if you're making $1,500 a month, you're talking less than 20 grand a year to be naked on the internet. So this is already you're making a move. Then you buy a doll for $3,000, which as Jon Tavrit, this is bad numbers. It's two months of work. Terrible margins. These are bad margins. And then you stop doing it when you get the doll? Yeah.

Amber, what's going on here, bud? Did you just want to fuck the doll, Amber? Yeah. Is this okay? And that's okay. It's okay if you wanted to fuck the doll, but is that what we're dealing with here? I mean...

Maybe. You know, it's nice to meet a female dirtbag. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Usually this is guys that are like this, but it's like, I like, this makes me feel good. You create nine lies of bullshit just to go, no, I got the VR set because I'm interested in going on roller coaster rides. It's like, no, no, no, no. Honey, I walked in the other day and you were jerking off on the roller coaster. Yeah.

So Amber, is this deep down, you just started this little thing to see, then you got a little bit like, it is what it is. And now I'm going to buy this doll because I want it. I'm a little disappointed in the size of it, but it's heavy. I would like to be the kind of person that fucks my toy, then puts it away. But I'm also lazy. Let's be honest. I'm going to fuck it when I want to fuck it, which isn't all the time. But I'm going to go in my basement three times a week and fuck the shit out of Max.

I like the idea of being like up there with your- Yeah, but I don't want my son to come down there and see like a glistening sex toy. With a freshly swapped out cock. I like the idea that you're probably up there with your son like, put away your trains. I'm going to fall on these while downstairs you're not putting your toys away. And so are we getting closer to the truth or farther away, Amber? You're the boss here.

I mean, it's pretty accurate. I think the fact that he is so hard to move makes it harder to film content. Interesting. Right. Okay. Because all it is is you just getting on top of this thing and there's only a couple good angles of that and then you're done and you go, I'm not doing it again. Where do you film the content? With him in my basement, which is glamorous. So it's like I got to think of something here. Amber, I got to pitch. I got to pitch. Okay, go.

Here's my pitch, and this is a way to do two things at once.

We got to get you back into making content. We got to get you back making money. You got to pay for max, right? This can't just end up being, you started a thing. It went a little bit sideways. You have a big sex. Yeah. This can't be the unicycle of fucking. Yes. Let's make this work. But unicycles close to where I'm going. Garth. Okay. Okay. I would put wheels on its back and it's, and I'm going to tell you why. So part of the fun of you filming it, maybe getting some lingerie and physically,

film you doing this to it right so that's its own king women doing construction i'm sure you're going to pull some numbers on that right women building then once you got it on wheels well part of the fun you could set up the camera and you could jump on it and fuck it while you're

moving past camera so the game of it is partly movement right you can tie its arms to something and pull it up you can do a little like you know pulley system so you can play with the idea of moving max which could be fun and you could you know potentially get some a little bump in money and then you can wheel his ass right where the laundry is or a closet and that door can have a lock

OK, OK. I like that pitch. I would pitch maybe you move somehow. You get a trusty friend over there and you move Max to your bedroom. I'm sure you have your own space up there, right? Or somewhere.

Yeah, definitely. Yeah, I would maybe try to find a way to do the Stavros pitch of covering him up in something in your bed, like hiding it from the seven-year-old. If you're like, the basement is kind of dingy and gross, which I get. You don't want to be doing this around paint cans. So I think you could move him to your room. You make more of a show of it, and it just is...

lean into it, make it an actual thing. I think you could just like Jake saying to separate yourself from other only fan stuff, you could make it like Max is kind of the everyday Midwest guy and you could be having arguments with him. You could infuse little like, you know how like when you watch porn, there's like,

13 seconds of plot, you could do a little bit of that. You could kind of like reinvent the stories and be like, and just kind of be like, you know what, Max, I'm a little sick of you forgetting my birthday, you know, whatever it is. Start with that and then you bang the shit out of Max. So you're infusing a little bit of story into the real doll world that you're creating with him. But I think get him out of the basement

Just like any man who's living in the basement, get him out. What is that app that you call and for like 30 bucks, it's called like Rabbit Hunter or something like that. Task Rabbit. Task Rabbit. What a great Task Rabbit this would be. Good content for an OnlyFans too. You got some kid going like 20 bucks to move a 100 pound thing and then go, what is this?

He's got to move his back up to your bedroom. No questions. Amber, do you have a bedroom or a room or an office, something that you could keep your son out of in your house? And then you just drape an American flag over him when you're done? What's the layout of your place? Is this possible? Or is the basement and the bedroom or an upstairs little office all the same? Is this kid going in every room? No, I try to keep him out of my room. You do? Yeah.

I don't think my fiance would like sharing the bedroom with him. What the fuck? Jesus Christ. These M. Night Shyamalan reveals we've had are hilarious. What the fuck?

That's a turn. You've been fucking with us this whole time. You knew what you were doing. You were just waiting to drop fiance on us. Let's get this motherfucker moving the doll. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. The fiance can move. No, he's 5'3", 65 pounds. He's got no mouth. Boy, this doll's huge. Yeah, yeah. Look at the size of this guy. What is this?

A three-inch dong? Whoa! Someone's packing. Amber, what does the fiancé feel about Max? At first, he was like, why the hell did you buy this? Then I told him, and he's like, okay, whatever. He's supportive, but he's like...

Amber, you're a dude. We're talking to a dude right now. The real call is, how do I convince my fiance it's okay that I have a sex doll in the basement? And because you're a woman, you can create an OnlyFans and make $1,500. Because if a guy does this and he goes, you're absolutely right. He goes, hey, you know what I did is I started an OnlyFans. We go, how are you doing for business? You'd go, zero.

Nobody. But then what'd you do? I decided to up the ante. I got six sex dolls in my basement. But my fiance doesn't like it. I know what that call is. It's just lean into who you are. The only difference is you're female. So you were able to scrape together $1,500. Okay.

I think the advice here is still the same. I think to justify the purchase of this doll, you should really lean into the OnlyFans. If you're serious about doing it, otherwise you just bought a real doll, which is totally fine. Are you into pushing the OnlyFans, Amber? Where are you at?

I mean, I wouldn't be opposed to it. I took a little break there. I could probably get back into it. I feel like we're trying to push you into OnlyFans. But I got to see if this is what is it. Did you fade on it because you weren't psyched about the numbers? You weren't psyched about doing it? Does the fiance have an opinion? Where is the OnlyFans gag? Like, where are you at with it? Because I don't get why you got max and then slowed down on content. I switched jobs. Oh, you just lost your... You started making a little bit more money. You lost the time to do it. Well, not only that, but like...

I really do sound like a guy. I sling tires all day long. So coming home and moving him around. Well, first of all, Amber, you are the best. You're fucking slinging tires fucking mass. If you tell me you're a Chicago's Bears fan, we're going to lock this thing up.

I think you should come home with oil on your hands and go straight from tired to banging max, upload it, and just make that your OnlyFans. Here's what I'm thinking. You were at a different point in your life, right? You had more time. You made what it sounds like. It sounds like from the numbers that you made about $3,000, and then you bought. Here's what happened. You bought yourself something you always wanted.

You got a part-time job to buy a new toy. And that's what this is. And stop OnlyFans. Fuck Max when you want to. And you're good. You have a new job. This is a financial thing, right? You literally did OnlyFans to afford this.

And I think we're done here. I think it's like, fuck it when you want to, put it in a closet. When you have enough time, when you feel like it, fuck Max. But when you don't, like, you know, you earned yourself a fuck doll, a fun little thing to have in your house. It's funny, it's weird, and you wanted it. Let's be honest. Let's stop beating around the bush. And that's that. I agree. I think just...

Upload it when you're done. So here's going to be the turn then. What we've kind of said was I still like my wheels idea, but nobody else seems to. And I'm now understanding it is a little bit weird to put wheels on a toy and then fuck it. I mean, she worked with tires all day. It would be right for her wheel. Amber, now I know you're a badass. I know you could really rig that thing up and make Max just like a weird robot you could roll around and fuck. I'm not going deeper on my perversion here. I'm not the caller. I'm going to drop this. The idea of...

Getting your fiance to bring it to a bedroom is a no-go. You're strong, you're moving. I like the idea that you use this business to make a little bit of money. You bought a toy, great. But then that leads us back to the seven-year-old son. And so I think in closing, where I'm kind of seeing this is going personally is we all feel as if you did this, if we were your therapist, we would say you did this because you wanted a sex toy and you deserve it.

But maybe go online on Amazon and buy 10 different outfits. Put them in a Santa outfit in December. Put them in an Easter bunny outfit in April. Put them in a Star Wars suit and tell your son, this isn't for you to play with. You go to certain people's houses in the 80s and they would have a dog butler by the door, or at least you saw it on TV. You know what I'm talking about? Silver spoons or whatever it was. It would be like a dog.

Butler by the door with a bow tie and that meant you were rich, right? So you just have that you have a weird thing downstairs that you dress up every few months It's a cop. It's a whatever but that thing is not meant to be played with It's meant to just be in the background while you're a kid playing a video game in the basement and that's meant for you amber when you're done fucking throwing on tires like a fucking badass and

And your fiance is annoying you about the dishes or something else. Or you just want to watch the game and he's yapping in your ear about how was your day? How was your day? And you go, my day was fucking exhausting. I was throwing tires. I don't want to talk about it. All I want to do is get these fucking nuts off. Then you go down in the basement. You fuck the hell out of Max Amber because you deserve it. And then put the Santa outfit back on. Who cares? Amber, where are you at? Are we on a ride? Are we close? What are you feeling?

I kind of like the seasonal outfits. Not a bad idea. Yeah, yeah. Phenomenal. And listen, if you want to upload more content, we're not telling you to stop if that's what's in your heart. I just know that it's a lot of work and that it's like –

friends of mine that do it. It's like, it's a kind of a part-time or full-time job. And the ones who make a ton of money, they're fucking working hard. Like it's crazy. And so if you want to do it, do it. And in fact, I think the seasonal outfits will actually help that if you do want to do it. And there's nothing like a costume that, you know, that I, again, I have friends who've made a lot of money showing titties on the internet and they say, you throw a little hat on

Now you're it doesn't take much for guys to just jack off in a new way, you know. So the seasonal outfit will help if you want to do that. And here's the other thing. If it seems like you really wanted to fuck Max here and you wanted a doll, the window where your son is even going to buy that it's just this little statue. The clock is ticking. The clock is ticking. He's going to have one friend come over with an older brother.

And if they're going to go down in the basement and your son's going to go like, this is Santa and sometimes Easter Bunny, it's going to go, that's a sex toy for your parents. Hey, I got Santa's. Look, I made Santa's dick hard by finding this weird drawer. I mean, no question.

So enjoy it right now. This is Max's prime. Get your money's worth. Get $3,000 worth of nuts off in the next 18 months. And then there might be a freak from your OnlyFans that you could sell this to used. I was going to say, yeah, that's the only way because I don't know the resale value on these things. Because if you bought it for $3,000, I don't know a lot of people who are going like, yeah,

Can I get it for you? You're not going to negotiate. You're not going to go, hey, this thing's pretty beat up in the crotch and face area. I'll give you 600 bucks.

And you go like, the back door hasn't been touched. And you go, I can see that, but the front and the face is destroyed. The back door is beautiful. That's true. You could sell it to a gay guy. You're like, look. That's exactly right. You know what I mean? I'm going to give you a rock star deal. Yeah, we are going to give you a deal. And the gay guy is going to go like this. Is he under 5'7"? Yeah. It's a different market. I mean, I'm interested, but it's a little weird with all these wheels on the back, I guess.

again. Amber, thank you for the call. We appreciate it. Good luck out there. Thank you guys for your help.

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Hi, thank you for joining us on We're Here to Help. You are with Jake Johnson, Gareth Reynolds, and our special guest today, Stavros Halkias. Hello, Stavros. Thank you for joining us. Nice to be here. Stavros is the king of advice. He's the fat rascal from Netflix. So yeah, you're probably a little more intimidated than you would normally be for this call. But get your bearings, hang in the pocket.

By the way, Stavros, what an amazing title of a... The best. It's so funny, but calling it Fat Rascal. Even having Gareth right now going, you got the Fat Rascal from Netflix. You got the Fat Rascal on the horn. What a win. Thank you. What a win. Thank you, thank you. And I do want to say, yes, before we get into it, I do want to say, yes, this is, you know, I have done advice a lot. In fact...

You know, I just want to just let's just get this out there. Gareth, February of this year, you come on Stavi's World, an advice show. Six months later. Stavi. Six months later, what do I see? Stavi. What do I see? Oh, Gareth. Did the Garfield steal? Stavi. Gareth's gone through his phone, found his most famous friend. And now he's got my fucking show. You know what we're calling this? You know what he pitched me on this? Garfield's World. No.

And you know what he wants to be called? The Chubby Rascal. Hey, listen. I'm just putting the facts out there and now let everybody analyze it as they may. I'm just saying there's a very uncharitable reading of the last year. Here's what's the saddest part about that. I'm his most famous friend. Oof.

Step it up. This is really, this has turned on me so quickly. What I like is we talked off air for about 10 minutes. That's because he knows how to podcast. We were friends. Yeah.

I was lulling you. I was lulling you into comfort. That's why you're the fat rascal. That's why you got rascaled, baby. Classic fat rascal. You got rascaled, brother. Hey, guys, thank you so much for having me. You got it. All right, let's start. Listen to me, you thief. Oh, you fat rascal. Oh, you fat rascal.

He stole this. I agree, though. He needs a live-action Spider-Man, not an animated Spider-Man. Yeah, let's go. Let's get somebody whose face has been in a blockbuster, not just his voice. Well, what we've always said is Jake has a face for animated Spider-Man. Yeah.

No, I've got a profile for it. Front on, I can fake it. But in live action, I have to turn at some point. Yeah, yeah. That's an issue. The only Spider-Man who walks backwards throughout the room. Is he okay? Okay, can we get your name, pseudonym acceptable, age roughly, and where you're calling from? My name is Heather. All right, Heather.

I'm Heather, yep, and I am 34, and I am in Florida. Okay, great. And what...

Can we do for you today, Heather? What's going on? Okay. We're going to go on a little trip real quick, a little background. All right. So I was set up with this guy, Ryan, and we were set up through mutual friends and we hit it off really well, which obviously leads to drunk sex. Um, so after the session, we fall straight to sleep. Um, eventually Ryan gets out of the bed and when he does, I feel just warm liquid running down my back. Um,

And I, you know, and I touched the seat. The seats are also damp, like pretty, pretty soaked.

And then through the dark, I see this man stumbling to the corner of the room and he's in the three point dance, like, you know, held up against the wall. Sure. And I distinctly hear the sounds of running liquid coming from the corner of the room. And we're at our friends, the friends that set us up, we're at their house. So we're in a room in someone else's home. Right. So he then is able to, yeah.

- Yes. He's been-- - I mean, just as bad at her house or his.

Well, I don't know. It's a neutral ground. There's something interesting about that. Yeah, but a first hookup, even if it's at my house, I'm going to be like, I'm so sorry, Heather. Yes, we fucked. And then I diarrhea pissed all over my home floor. You're losing no matter what. It's better for Heather, though. You're losing. It's better for Heather, though, because she can now just be more of an... I mean, it's not great, honestly. She's not proud of the guy, but she's not going like, I need to call rug doctor.

I would say it's degrees of losing. There's no winning here. Agreed. But her house, it's even a next level problem. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right. Being at a friend's house is the biggest loss because if it's her friend, she has to go like, you know that guy I fucked last night? And she's like, yeah. And he goes...

Well, not only was he only a medium talent, but he pissed all over your floor. And then she goes, Heather, who are you? Yes. You got to repaint. Yes. All right. So Heather, what happens? So you wake up and this guy, Ryan. All right. Keep going. Oh, we take a turn. We take a turn. So, you know, I gather up my stuff. I get the fuck out of there. I'm like, this guy just pissed all over me. I'm out. I text my friend. Hey, girl, this guy pissed everywhere. I'm out. Um,

So here's where it's heard. The next morning she called me and she was like, hey, so I just checked out the room. Are you sure? And I was like, yeah, like literally everywhere I heard it, I felt it. You know, I saw him in the corner of the room. She was like, well, I went in there and looked. My husband and I checked it out. There's no scent of pee. There's nothing wet. There's nothing remotely damp, like literally no evidence of piss anywhere. And I'm like,

What the fuck and he's like so are you just like weirdly not interested in him and trying to get an easy way out like what's happening escape? This just became a cool movie this guy's a hero Frequently have night terrors, and they're very real and they're not always terrifying like one time I found a basket of puppies in my room I thought so sometimes they're fun, but this night terror was humiliating obviously

So in my humiliation, I'm like, fuck this guy. Like I make him back. I like, fuck this guy. Like I hate him. Like whatever. I get what happened.

Hold on. Hold on. Heather, so you had a dream that he pissed. You got so worked up that you left without saying goodbye. And he didn't. And now you're kind of in the world of what do I do now? Is he even real? No, he doesn't fast exist. Okay. So fast forward, this is the last section. Fast forward, seven months later, have not talked to this guy in seven months. We run into each other at a party. And I, you know, I've had some drinks. I'm feeling feisty.

And I'm like, hey, Ryan. And he just like nods like hold shoulders like, yeah, I'm like this motherfucker. Like, you're not going to ignore me. And so last month, Heather. Yeah. Last time we just celebrated our seven year wedding anniversary. What? So I'm married. I'm married. This guy.

Oh, this was years ago? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Okay. Oh, wow. Okay. So this is our, this is our, like, you know. That's your meet cute. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is our meet cute. So I was writing in. He phantom pissed on my back. Yeah, yeah. That's how we met. Wait,

Wait, so this really didn't happen because when I'm hearing this, I'm like, you've been gaslit by your closest friends is what I'm thinking here. There's no way to dream piss, but you're saying you clearly dreamed piss. It's a wet dream. If this was eight years ago, that makes a little more sense because like,

you know, you're in your twenties, everyone's dumb and young. They're making shit up. They're leaving. Cause now it's like, I'm check. I'm making sure it's pissed personally. I think it's a 34 year old. You have to do your piss diligence, but as a 20 year old, as a 22 year old, maybe you're, you know, whatever. That's a fair point. Well, she's a very puppies. She likes a very different story. If you're 35 years old. Yes. Hugely different. It's a different story. Yes. So Heather, just to get clear,

Just because this was a wild setup. Yeah. It feels like we called into your show a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And look, I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I'm just trying to put together what happened. So seven years ago, you hooked up with a guy named Ryan. You fucked. You had a dream that he pissed all over the bed. You left without saying goodbye. And continued to piss in a three-point stance, by the way. Yes. Like a lineman. He's down with his dick and he's just pissing on the corner. But you saw it. And then in your dream, you stood up and walked out, but you did that in real life, too.

Oh, yeah. Because you didn't say goodbye to this guy. Yeah. So you got out of there. So sometime at a certain point of driving home, you woke up, I would imagine, and it became real life. I was definitely awake. You were awake for the leave. The leave happened. You just basically dreamed all the urine. It turns out there's no piss. You see this guy seven months later. He cold shoulders you. You, for some insane reason, give him attitude about that.

Yeah, you're like, this guy. This guy. Are you kidding me? We can go over that a little bit or move on, but that's a wild-ass move. I can't wrap my head around it. Wild move. You fucked him and left in the middle of the night because he fake peed, and then you're mad at him. I told everyone that he pissed. And then you're like, what is up this guy's ass? Wild. Wild.

You're clearly the villain. So there's no, you're the good guy. You're the villain going like I'm Batman. Yeah. But then, yeah, yeah, no, I definitely realize I'm the villain. It's good. But then you court him and you marry him.

She's like, by the way. And then the question is, oh, I've been cheating on him the last two years. How do I get out of it? No, the question is, I've been cheating on him for the last two years. How do I blame him? No, how do I blame my night terror? I thought it was an apparition. So Heather, what's the question after this wild setup? Where are we at? The question is, how...

how can I frame this to people? You know, you meet new people. How did you and your husband meet? I am tired of being like, oh, we were introduced to mutual friends because I mean, that's boring. And I don't want to be like, well, I thought he pissed on me and it's a whole wild ride because that's inappropriate in some circles. So I just need some guidance on like, what would be a nice, like happy medium? Or we can just totally go in a different direction and come up with like something cool and crazy. You guys got kids? Interesting.

Yes, we do. Okay. How old are the kids? Are you sure? Or are they just like a shared vision? I mean, I don't know. We have a five-year-old and then I had a child before I met him. So he's 15. 15, 15 and five. So now let me ask you this. Do, do any of your kids piss the bed?

Is there some kind of karmic? They don't. Oh, interesting. That would have been. They don't, but they do have night terrors very frequently. So I know it's like a craziness that runs in the family. That's cool. And so you don't want to lean in. When you tell people and people go like, how'd you guys meet? What are you saying now? When I'm like gauging the audience, if it's somebody that can't handle the fun, I'm just like, oh, we just were introduced to mutual friends.

Like, that's it. And there's nothing. Which is true. Yeah. But you want a spicier version. See, the problem is you've got a real all or nothing.

Like, introduced through friends is very boring, you're right. Agreed. But your actual one is, like, I mean, it gives me a night terror. Like, the idea that you would be like, I dreamt he pissed on me, so I took off after a one-night stand. And then I was a real weirdo to him at a party because I made him the villain in the story where I'm the Joker. Yeah. But then I guess his life was going pretty bad at the time, so he gave me another shot, even though I didn't deserve it, given the circumstances. And here we are. But, guys...

Ryan did not call in Heather. So we are giving great advice to Ryan and that is run, Ryan, run. But we are talking to, we are talking to Heather. And so Heather, when you're,

pitching this is the question is, because obviously your real story about what happened is fun for those who like the fun of it. But is it when you're talking to somebody at the school or somebody at work or somebody who's an older relative and you want a better story? Like definitely something wild and fun because I don't, you know, I'm not a boring person. I obviously am a little bit psycho, but you know, I want something with some fun behind it. So it's not just the boring stuff.

So, Heather, here's a thought. When you're telling people what's going on, I think we got to lean into the idea that you have night terrors. And I think the origin story has to be about a dream. It might not have to be about Ryan pissing everywhere after you fucked. I don't think it can be. I agree. I think I like the idea that Ryan's a true psychopath. And we're going to find out later in like a news story how dark this gets. And so we're going to move away from Ryan being a psychopath on this.

But that is an option. So what do you think about telling people leading out with the fact that you have night terrors and part of the connection was via a night terror?

Okay. I mean, still sounds like I'm in, I'm into some weird shit. If I'm like, Hey guys, I just met you. I have night terrors pretty frequently. Heather, you are, here's you want, if you want a full lie, here's the problem with the full lie. You're just, you're going to paint yourself into further corners. Like, I think you do have to kind of try to find your sanitized version of this one. Otherwise it's like we met bungee jumping. Then it's like, well, where, you know, there's like,

You're opening yourself up to more problems. Here's one thing I think we can clean up right away. Yeah. Right. You have a branding issue with these night terrors. You call them vivid dreams. Okay. Night terrors. Okay. And by the way, I also don't think you know what night terrors are because you said you've dreamt of puppies. That's not a terror. You just do have vivid dreams. Right. So you have just these real.

Really powerful dreams. So, and I will say from a storytelling perspective, that's what kind of threw me for a loop because I'm ready for a fun piss story. And then all of a sudden it's a no, it's a dream. Now I'm hearing about somebody's dream, which is the most boring thing of all time. You tricked me into listening about your dream. You know what I mean? You have rebranded, yes. But by the way, great branding. Yes. She got us here, but now we need, but he's right. We need to rebrand.

to sell this story. I think you guys have better ideas than me because I'm saying we stick with piss. I think... That's a great option. Wetting the bed is so funny. And then the fact that

he's later exonerated because you've laid the groundwork of vivid dream has to come up from the beginning. Right. Because that, to me, that kind of, I was like, wait, what are we talking about? Dreams? I thought we were talking about piss. So you need people to, you need that to be kind of hanging out there. People know you have these vivid dreams and,

This is right. And then you talk about how, oh, and by the way, talk up the way you met, right? Like, yeah, what happened is your friends set you up. You guys were in your 20s. You had a couple of Mike's Hard Lemonades. You both sucked each other off, right? Not exactly romantic. Talk about...

about how it's the most romantic day of your life. You know, I'm connecting with this guy and it was like, he's the only one in the room for me and, you know, we're kissing and the next thing you know, I wake, we have this beautiful night of passion and I'm like, wow, this could really be something and then I'm woken up by this warm liquid on my

in the bed and I'm like wait that's weird and then I see him get up and he's I hear this liquid and I freak out and I'm like oh my god this night has been crazy this beautiful moment has been ruined by an adult bed wetter and then if you really want listen okay now if we're getting crazy get crazy you could fucking bring in some doctor character that diagnoses you with

weird dreams or something you know what i mean like it's a kaiser moment but heather here's what i'm 100 agreeing with him on same it's yours you've set it up wrong so not wrong in terms of it was fun to hear but if you want to tell other people it starts off how do you guys meet if your first line is well for starters i have very vivid dreams and i've always had them

then he's totally right. You lean into the fun of it. So when you get to the piss, you're not confusing everybody. They're able to kind of laugh at you and then see that in months later, you guys rebuilt from that.

I don't think this is a bad story for older people or like somebody at the school. That's a sweet. Well, I think you've got I think you've got the two versions. And I think what I think what Stavros is saying is right is like, look, if you're just at like a PTA meeting, just be like we met through mutual friends. Be done with it. But the story you have really is amazing. I would say if you wanted to cut out anything, cut out.

If you want to cut out anything... Don't say the three-point stance. No. We lean into the three-point stance. That's a great visual. So you just wake up and this guy's pissing in the... If you don't want to say you got pissed on, I think you can cut that detail out and you still keep the spine of the story. I think if you eliminate that part, that's kind of the weirdest part. If you're talking to people you don't know too well. But then I think when you buy it back with the Vivid Dreams, good rebrand, right? Yep.

I think you you buy it back and then it is actually a fucking amazing story. But what do you think of this kind of pitch? And that is leading out when you start the story with the fact that you have vivid dreams so that when you say Ryan's in a three point stance pissing in a corner, they're able to see Ryan that way and have a laugh as opposed to thinking this really happened and take away the idea that the piss was on your back and touching you and leaning into a savvy set of

It was really warm at the beginning. It was a great date. You really liked this guy. You knew from the beginning, this is my person. But then you have a vivid dream that he's three point stance pissing in a corner and you left without saying goodbye. And he felt the same way. He didn't understand why you left. So when you guys saw each other, you both had to get to the bottom of it. You explained the story, fell in love instantly. You've been together ever since. I love it. Beautiful. Where are you at, Heather? That feels nice. Yeah.

It feels nice. It feels like a Disney movie. Define, define Disney. He's piss charming. Are you going to do it? Heather, are you going to do that?

Yes. You are? Yes, for sure. Yes. I can't wait to meet new people. Much like a great rom-com, the one you wanted the whole time was right there in front of you. Now, try to find a famous friend to be the lead of that. We got to move you, everybody. Thank you for the call. We appreciate you. Thanks, guys. Good to talk to you.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKean. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio and our video editor is John DeBruin. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at HelpfulPod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. That was a HateGum Podcast.