50: Broomba with Jillian Bell
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And here we are, Jake. We're back. We're back. We're in it. America's number one podcast. Don't look it up. We have a special guest right here, Caitlin. Yes. Our social media director. Guru. What title do you want? Guru or director? Guru.

Come on, you came in here with something. I didn't want it off air, so do it on air, young lady. Like Jake says, everything's content. Jake loves... I love content. I'm a content maniac. Get on camera, young lady. Don't worry about Kevin's. Don't Santa off camera. Right next to the Garf Man. Thank you so much. Yeah, come here.

So you can sit on camera, sit on camera, get behind the mic. Let's see what happens. Thank you. Okay. What I love is it's glitter and glitter is the gift that keeps on giving. First, Caitlin, what is the backstory of these? You started saying it off camera and I interrupted you right in the mic. Oh,

Oh, last time I went, one of the first time we came into the recording studio, I had ordered Christmas presents and they came right as I got back. So I was like, great, great. I'd asked you for the P.O. box that one time and you were like, how do I say it without them like knowing? Interesting. So these are cat socks you got. Now, these are for me? Yes. Okay. Who did you think they were for? Well, no, I just want to make sure. I think I got soap. No, no, they're not soap. And they're both presents tracked.

What is this? They are... Oh, Tooth Fairy. You are a very thoughtful... Baby Tooth. You got Cat Socks. I got Tooth Fairy Box for Teeth. I call these cocks. You call those cocks? Yeah, Cat Socks. It's conflation. I wouldn't call them cocks. It makes sense. What do you got there? I got Tooth Fairy. Well, first of all, I'm covered. I look like I was at a stripper's office. Yeah, at a stripper's office. Here's where we make the decisions. I don't go to the club.

I'm a businessman. The champagne room is the office. Caitlin, thank you very much. I got a tooth necklace. You got a tooth necklace. We're all on brand. In this episode, we have a really fun one. We have the great Jillian Bell. One of the funniest human beings on planet Earth. Truly just the funniest. I met her when I wrote on a show called Idiot Sitter with her and for her.

And was immediately. And who else was on that wonderful show? Jake Johnson. No, I meant Charlotte. Oh, Charlotte. You were on it too though. Yeah, but it was Charlotte. It was Charlotte and Jillian, Comedy Central show, two seasons. But Jillian was truly. Both hilarious people. Like both hilarious. Charlotte Newhouse is hysterical. We're going to have Charlotte on. We should, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Jillian truly like just the funniest. Killer. The greatest. She's very helpful today. Very funny.

Very helpful. She's so funny on this show. She's very helpful. So check out GarethReynolds.com. You'll get all his tour dates on the YouTube. They'll probably put up all the stuff here. Yeah, go click that. Hurry. And let's just say follow her at JillianBell on Instagram. Yes. She's a great follower. Because she's always doing a tremendous amount of stuff. Yeah. If you don't know her, when you see the YouTube, you'll know her. You'll love her. She's the best. She's kind of in everything. She's one of those people where you're like, oh, her. She's incredible. She's just the best. So...

Thank you to you. Thank you. Thank you to the great Jillian Bell. Thank you to you. Without further ado. And we're brought to you by Squarespace. We not only love Squarespace. I use Squarespace for all my personal websites, but we use Squarespace for the show all the time. Whenever we need to help a caller.

We send them right to Squarespace, and we are not lying about how much we love and use Squarespace because we just did it. The wigs and whatever. Suits and wigs. Wigs and suits party. And then just recently, we had a caller who lied to her boss and told her that she was taking a cooking class for a week, which just sounds insane to begin with, that a cooking class would be a week. Really, she was going off and doing some BDSM stuff.

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It's awesome. And the reason we can do that is because Squarespace is so user-friendly, so easy. And it's not just websites. There's tons of stuff you can do there now. But anyway, we love Squarespace. If you need a website, if you want help building out your company, Squarespace is the place to go. So go to www.squarespace.com slash gilthsentme to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using the code gilthsentme.

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Hello. Hello, how are you? Good, how are you? Good. We just found out there's two callers, and two callers, I've got news for you. There's going to be five people on this call, because not only do you have Jacoby Johnson and Gareth Reynolds, you also have one of our dearest friends in the business, a woman.

a woman who I do adore and have adored you since the beginning, Jillian. The fantastic, the talented, the hilarious Jillian Bell is joining us in studio. You don't get much funnier than this. No, you don't. You really don't. And nicer. Okay, so can we, why don't we start with your names?

My name is Claire. Claire. OK, great name. And the other one. And my name is Jenna. Jenna and Claire. OK. And what rough age are we approximating for you to your mean average will do?

I am 33, Claire, and I'm 26. All right, so Claire and Jenna, 33 and 26. Back to you. You guys are the star of the show. Where are you guys calling from? Are you in the same place, city? No, I am in Denver, Colorado, and Jenna is in Minnesota. All right, Claire and...

and jenna who's the talker out of the two of you who's going to be driving this train i'm going to be the talker claire is claire so will you walk us through take over the floor is yours why are you calling today well um little bit of a backstory so jenna and i are both curlers wow you guys know what curling is yeah we do the best sport in the olympics yeah the shuffle thing yeah exactly yeah

And just like you said, right when I said, you know what curling is, you're like, yeah, in the Olympics, right? So people only care about curling when it's in the Olympics. And in recent years, pickleball has become like a millionaire dollar sport and people

You have ESPN covering things like bags. Oh, yeah. Like I know what you're talking about. The cornhole. Yeah. That got really popular during the pandemic and I hated it. Yeah. Wait, do some people call it bags? Apparently.

I've never heard it called bags. I think that's a Minnesota thing. Oh, I like it. Hey, you want to go out back and play bags? You want to play bags? Yeah. Feel like a quick round of bags? You guys look. Hey, quick yapping. Let's go play bags. Do we want to play with the pickles or the bags? Yeah.

Okay, so yes, they've gotten a lot of hype. So pickleball and bags are popular and curling is not. Continue. Yeah, I mean, so basically we need some help to get fans because it is national season right now. Oh, where are you guys playing? The men's and women's nationals. Well, you're going to love this. It is going to be in New Jersey. Okay, well, I know we love that.

So I thought you were going to say L.A. We're going to be having our nationals in a mall in a week. That's cool as hell, dude. That's great. I love a mall. I love a mall, too. I love curling in a mall. So like a mall ice rink? Yeah. Right? Like first floor zone or something like that? Or did they build it for this? Or is it like off the mall? Yeah.

So there's an ice rink right in the middle of the mall. It's called the Rink at American Dream. And it's located. I've done stand up at that mall. What? Yeah. Wait, where is it? Rutherford? East Rutherford, New Jersey. I was just there. Wow. Beautiful. So this is pretty cool. If you want to come back to watch curling, we'll be there. So this is actually pretty cool. So doing it at a mall. I'll tell you why it's not as popular as pickleball. And this is not against curling. Pickleball is easy.

You get one little racket. You go to a court that everyone plays tennis. It's warm. You run around. Old people can do it. You can't do curling unless you're a curler. Well, yeah, exactly. You can't be like, you know what? A few of my friends and I want to go curling. If somebody invites me, I'm saying no. Do I want to stand on ice, not in skates and do that weird like mop the shuffles?

The broom guy. That doesn't sound like I'm getting great exercise. We should know some of the terms. I guess we could ask you guys. I don't know much, but that position is called the ice janitor. As a way to make this sport more popular, CJ, that's combining Claire and Jenna, obviously. CJ and NJ, because they're going to New Jersey. Can you describe the rules as if you're pitching it

to children. Because the one thing that I'll say, one of the reasons it's not popular is I don't get it. Oh, I love it. I love it too. I do love it, but I don't know what's happening. Neither. I love it because they push the ball, a bunch of weirdos with brooms go like this, and then every once in a while they go like, yeah! Yeah!

And you go like this. Did they do good at the yeah, yeah, yeah? And you go, the team in red did better. What happened? It got near the red dot. How many points do you get? I don't know. Well, I will say it's not a ball. It doesn't seem like a ball. It seems like a Roomba. Yes. The broom person, that's a stressful role, too. Oh, my gosh. They should have called it Roomba.

So there we start. All right, that's a great start to popularity. This is our first. Our first note will be that position is Brumba. We all wrote Brumba. Yeah, Brumba's written down for sure. Brumba has a. So CJ, will you walk us through the rules of your game? Great start, by the way, from Brumba. Yeah.

You guys basically nailed it. Okay. Nobody knows what's happening. Oh, great. So curling is, so it was a sport. I'm going way back. Sport invented by Scotsman, drunk Scotsman. Rockin' ice. In the middle of winter. Sure. And it navigated over to Canada. What years are we in here? What years are we in? 85, 89. Oh, geez. Yeah. Oh, geez.

I didn't do enough research for that one. Okay, I got you. It was in the Olympics in 1998. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. This is new stuff. So when you say Scotland, we're all thinking like 1780. Oh, I'm thinking like William Wallace is like, my turn with the rules. She's talking in 1984, a couple of Scots. A couple of weird Scotsmen. I got a tattoo for it. Whoa! Right before the show, because I knew. Cool. Because I knew. That was great. Good call. So...

It starts there. I'm just trying to understand. So we still got to get to the pitch. So it goes to Canada. CJ, what are the rules of this weird game and what are the terms? So the rules of the game are basically you have two giant targets on either end of a sheet of ice. Okay.

And there's four people on a team. Okay. You want to make sure that each player gets to throw two of the rocks or two stones. Oh, it's called a stone because of Scotland. Cool. That's right. Yeah. Okay. So everybody throws two stones. And then at the end of an end, or like an inning if you're thinking of it,

you know the end of an end or the end of an inning in baseball indicates all of the rocks have been thrown the closest person to the target would get the points kind of like box you both yeah so you're trying so it's you get one point around or the amount of rocks near the center get the most points the rocks on a rock closest yep on a rock closest so an inning what are those called not innings but ends you call them

And so a typical, a typical score after an end could be like two to one. Yeah, exactly. Okay. Uh, can you knock somebody else's rock off? Easy, but yeah. Okay. The sweepers will help with that. A sleeper really hard. Oh, a sweeper sweepers. So what is the name of the person who first pushes the rock?

That would be, I guess, going to help me out here. Maybe just like the delivery. The lead person. Well, now it's called the rock star. The lead person. Okay, but is that... It's usually called the thrower. So you got a thrower who pushes the rock. The sweepers do that weird motion and you're trying to get to the middle or knock the other people out. Who is the most important person? Is it the lead sweeper? Is it the thrower? Is it the back? Like if you're saying tug of war,

Who's your best person? Your strongest is in the back. Your craftiest is in the front. Somewhere in the middle, you're just not great at tug of war. Well, in curling, you have somebody who's standing at the far end calling each shot. Ah, the shot caller. And you're kind of the strategy behind the game. Ah, so there's your quarterback. Sure. So that person stands at the mark and goes like, left, right.

Left. Yeah. Right. Right. Now that person. They also yell a lot. That's what Jake was doing. You should have seen his face. So that person's really important, not only to the game, but to how we're going to market this thing. But I listen, my middle name is not sports. It's Lee. And I will say that I'm getting lost and I'm writing everything down. Everything. I do feel like if we can put it into some kind of a kid song, we can win the world.

That's what I think. That's your instinct. Yeah. I got to tell you, my middle name is not Einstein, but that's the weirdest pitch I've ever heard. Not Lee either. Picture it, though, if it's a catchy kid song. Can you give me a taste of the Jack? Well, it's it's to the song. Well, is it Cool Whip? Yeah. Yeah. We know. Broomba. Broomba. Broomba.

I don't know the rest of the tune for Cool Whip, but... Keep running, keep running. You know, it's the broom butt thing twice. Broom butt. A drunk Scotsman, he went to Canada. Two targets on...

Ends of ice to rocks slash stones are thrown. End of an end indicates rock stones. Amount of rocks closest gets a point. Sweepers and throwers, they rotate. But there's no VIP unless you're thinking of the quarterback who's the shot caller. Ha ha ha.

Oh, my God. Okay, I was wrong. It's kind of catchy. It's great. Imagine learning the lyrics. You'd be like, oh, this is fun. That's the Super Bowl shuffle if you get that. Yeah. That's great. And hopefully, when is this happening again? When are you guys going to the Jersey Mall? January 29th through February 4th. Oh, so soon. Because I was hoping someone could listen to this and maybe record a song or a version of this. Oh, so then it could go January 29th.

Broom-ba. And it rotates. Yeah, yeah. Broom-ba. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Broom-ba. Fuck. What?

Fuck is a great lyric in the mall. Well, because then it goes. Wait, January 29th. Broom-ba. Da-na-na-na-na-na-na. Broom-ba. Da-na-na-na-na-na-na. Fuck pickleball. Fuck bags. Da-na-na. It's great. Well, there's a long list. Da-na-na-na-na-na-na. Claire's 33. She's in Denver. And Janice, 26, living in Minnesota. The curl has been only one.

What do you ladies think of that hit?

I mean, that was something. I don't want to say you totally nailed it. Yeah, yeah. I think we left out a very, very important detail. Talk to us. What is that? We got bogged down in the rules of curling, and we didn't mention that one of the best parts of curling is something called

Broom stacking. What's broom stacking? Basically, you just, the winner of the game buys the first round of beers and you just hang out and drink a whole bunch of beer. So it is a party game. So the losers buy the beer. No, the winners do. Oh.

Oh, well, this is a fundamental issue with your sport. So here's what I say you do. I say let's not worry about national attention. Let's not worry about pickleball. Let's worry about Jan 29, right? You don't win. You don't build Rome in a day. As we were talking about earlier, you probably got pretty far, but it wasn't built in a day. So what we're looking to do is get pretty far in a day. Yeah. Because people always say you don't build in a day, but you can get a lot of impressive work done. Absolutely. That's true. So January 29th is the first.

first day of building Rome and here's how I think you do it.

Each team has their main shot caller, correct? Mm-hmm. Start talking shit. And hurt that person. Think of the WWE. That's so... And I want the shot callers to have big characters, costumes. I want them to have a megaphone to talk to the crowd so that you go like, hey, everybody going to Soporo's Pizza? Get a slice and watch what my thrower's about to do with this pepperoni rock.

And those people are the shot cars of excitement. And then you go, look at my sweeper sweep. And then you go to the right. And then you go like, look at Maggie's legs. Look at Maggie's legs. I think I know what I'm saying. Yes, I was. Jillian, what happened? You just lost me on Maggie's legs.

You're walking into lids to get yourself a cap why don't you walk over to this lid and watch Maggie's legs and then Maggie sweeps and does like a yeah yeah yeah and then you're going in the gap go and check out the lack of

Maggie's gap in between her legs because they're so massive. It's exactly right. Look at the gap between the rock and the red on there because of Maggie's leg. Yeah, so you're pushing that, but you're also, the other person is pushing the other team. So they're going like, you call that a throw?

I think this is good. I think you do need to step up. That was going to be my pitch. Step up the theatrics. Even if you're on the same team, you could cut. This might be too crazy, but why not have one team be the U.S.? And even if the other team is also from America, fake Russia, let's make them Russians. Yeah. OK. And and let's just now. Now we're we did have 1984 tatted. Yeah. And now. So now you've

got the bad guys. You got the bad guys. So now you're really stoking patriotism in the mall. Because both teams, neither team's going to want to be Russia, but one of the teams might be willing to be villains.

Well, okay, yes. Well, they need to be. Is this just one day you're doing this, yes? No, it's several days, right? Oh, it's all week. Well, you guys could swap roles. But also, CJ, how many different teams are competing? And are you guys all part of an email chain, a website? Is there an Instagram, a Twitter? Are you guys connected? I would say yes, we are connected. Curling is a very small community. How many teams?

There's eight men's teams and eight women's teams. Okay. I think you're right, Jake. I would send out the email saying that you want each team to kind of come up with a costume theme. Yes. A team name. Like the Warriors. Yes. I do like this. The Curly Furies. And music. And now we're going to step up the theatrics of it. So the sport is still the same. And we already have the song. And we have the song we've had the longest. There's nothing we've had longer than the song. How does the song go again? Two, three, four. Brew.

A drunk sky smith went to Canada. Two targets on the end of ice. Two rocks and stones are thrown in the end. In the end, it indicates the rocks and stones. Oh, my God.

You get it. This is a song for the bar that the winning team gets to sing that everybody has to watch with their beers up and they don't get to drink until the song is done. No, you have to honor the song. You honor the song. Just like the Scots would. I do have one more pitch. Go. Wait, are you finished with yours? Well, I think we just encourage

We encourage the cosplay theme of it. Each team is designed under one sort of costumed theme. Yes. I agree. Okay, the last thing I'll say, and this comes from the TV side of things. Here we go. I do feel like every great television show lately has a murder in the first episode. Yeah.

I like where this is going. So my pitch and your picture, you're hearing me out. Okay. I think there should be a curter. And I feel like if, if there is, and everyone seems shocked, but then everyone's tuned in. Right. At that point, everybody's like, I got to find out who the, who the curter is.

By the end of the season, you promise there will be a reveal or it will be left up to interpretation, but you're really hoping to reveal the murderer. I mean... I think that's really interesting. I love it all. I think that's a... If you can pull off... Hold on! Before you start sweeping, there's been a murder! A murder. A murder. So, CJ, either one. Maybe we can hear from Jenna for a little bit, the quiet one.

Jenna, where are you at with all these pitches? What are you feeling? We've kind of given you the idea of first changing the name to Broomba. Second, having a theme song for after. Third, create a murder mystery. Or fourth,

get everybody involved to create team names, costumes, play up the WWE theatrics of it, make the shot callers, the big characters, whosoever is there is loud with a mic and is going, where are you guys at? What are you thinking you're going to do? Well, I got to say as, as,

As entertaining as a lot of these pitches are, I'm not sure if they're going to happen at our nationals, but I would say I think there are a lot of curlers out there who would be on board. So then what you could do is this. So the nationals are basically, the nationals are going to be the same old, they're just curling. But what you guys should do is create, when you guys are going around to local places,

So turn it into an event. Let the audience know that you should be drinking on the rink. Let people know that this is very fun. It really,

fucking roller skating got cool for a roller derby. There's this weird baseball. Have you seen the weird baseball league where they like dress up? Yes, and they dance and do all that shit. And it like adds an element of like theatrics and fun to it. I think that's along the lines where we're going. It might not happen at Nationals. I also wish you could have seen Jake's face when you said it's probably not going to happen at Nationals. I mean, he seems bummed. Here's my question, CJ. If you're not going to do this...

What are you asking for? Are you asking us to bring 5 million people to New Jersey? I think that's what they're asking for. It's kind of a boring sport without it. I will say this. I'm going to pitch you because maybe it just was the song quality. Maybe it needs to be a different song. Just so we know, this is Jillian Bell, and she is the author and the singer of the hit song, Broombox. But she's got something new. I've got something new, just in case you don't want that. Is this a follow-up signal? Here's what we're going to do before you start, if you don't mind. Okay, sure. So, CJ, in closing, our advice to you is

Maybe not for January 29th, but you got to bring in theatrics. You need team names. You need villains and you need good guys and you need to get the crowd involved so that the audience all you need to heal. You need to heal. And whoever is the best that everybody thinks that team is unbeatable. They should be the villains. Yes. And when they win, they should talk shit. What do you think of something like that? I like that. I like it. I mean, like.

Like Jenna said, it might be a little bit soon to pull off the costume for next week. Look, this is a 10-year plan. That's why we do this show. It's not why we do this show. You're still on mic.

But can you start building that idea? And on social media, each team has images, you have costumes, and you're talking shit to other teams. I think that's the way to do it. I think each team starts on its own social media. You all are kind of under a hashtag like Broomba or something like that. And you're showing the team practice, talking shit. Like the old WWE days when they would talk shit to each other. CJ, are you guys on the same team?

We are. So here's how we start this. So we get out of the big ideas and we get in the real ideas. What is your guys' team name? Well, it's kind of boring. We're Team McMaken. We're just the last name. So this is what I'm saying. It's Team what? Maken? Their last name. McMaken? McMaken. What is the vibe of your guys' team? Currently...

We just have our regular jerseys. But are you like, do you think we should take the fall and be the villain? You guys start and January 29th. You guys are an all black with headbands, wristbands. You guys have music you play. You guys have an entire dance you do at the beginning. You're avenging the curder of your former captain. That's what this season is about. So you guys could be like the night pirates. Yes. Oh, the night pirates.

Pirates. Yes. Or the Curl Ninjas. Or the Curl Ninjas. And you guys come out to certain music. And then when you look at the other team, you put your hand up like you're going to shake and then go like, no, no, no. Yes. And the other team is wearing like T-shirts and pants. A lot of cutthroat moves. Yes. You're going down. Yes. Night Ninjas. Go ahead. I was going to say, also, they could make it a specific vehicle that's their mascot. Instead of being the black, what was it? Ninjas. Ninjas. Ninjas.

It could be something like the Honda Civics because so many people have that and they'll want to root for the team that has their car. Sure. That's interesting. I would say let's stick with the Ninja theme. Okay, great, great, great. So will you guys start building your team and create something now or no? I'm in. I'm in.

I'm for it. Here's your uniforms. You all have to wear We're Here to Help hats. Okay. Oh, I like that. And We're Here to Help sweatshirts. Wait a minute. It's not up the rails. It's not up the rails. It's not up the foundation. We want to make... I agree. Okay, here's what I say. I got excited. The post... You get the post for this. You dress up

Ninjas. In the costume, ninjas. Black outfits, black eyeliner. What do you like? I like ice ninjas. Ice ninjas. Either one. I feel like it's up to them. I agree. But there's got to be one person in the mix that's rocking a Honda Civic shirt. Don't agree. That's a different team, maybe. Hold on. That's maybe a different team. Hold on. What? I don't think she's wrong here, CJ. One person does need to be wearing a Honda Civic something. Sure. It doesn't matter if it's a pink.

It's a pin, a hat, socks. So every team should have one car person. Shoes that look like Honda Civics. Or the signal caller could always wear the Honda Civic hat. Oh, I love that. I love that. That's even better. So you're the Ice Ninjas. Are you guys good with the Ice Ninjas? Yeah, I like it. But it's got to be good that you can win in. You can feel good. But you guys need to look like bad guys. Yeah, you got to be ready. So if you guys do this, if you create a page,

and you take photos, we officially sponsor you, stand behind you. Yes. We will promote you. We will promote all your matches. And send us footage of you curling in your Ice Ninja outfits or whatever you decide on. That's just a launching off. Is that a deal? Just to be clear, you guys are obviously still called McMaken, so it's McMaken's Ice Ninjas. Agreed. Sure. With a Honda Civic theme thrown in. It's getting wordy, but yes, it can work. So CJ, is this something that's going to happen? Can we count on you?

100%. And we're going to take you out with the follow-up to the debut hit single, Brumba, Jillian Bell, with her new song. What's it called? It's, well, it's just called. It's untitled for now. I am the tiger, take two. I am the tiger, take two. CJ, we thank you for calling. Keep us posted. Yes. Jillian, we go to you. Dump, dump, dump, dump. Dump, dump, dump.

Nationals coming up real soon. January 29th, y'all. This is Drunk Scott's man. He was in, went to Canada. Two targets on the ends of ice. Two rocks slash tones are thrown.

End of an N indicates rocks slash stones. Amount of rocks closest get a point. Sweepers slash throwers, those are players. They rotate, but no one's the beep. Is there a chorus? Quarterback is the shot caller. Last lyric, proof stacking.

It ends with an alcohol party. The winners are the real losers for paying. It's the game that's coming. It's going to be at the mall. They changed it recently to Broom Bum. Fuck pickle balls and that game called Bags. It's the greatest game in the world.

Nationals. Yes. Thanks, you guys. Good luck out there, Ice Ninjas. It was great. Thank you. Thank you. That's great. Bye, ladies. They should play that. Just you women at the end going. Thank you. Thank you.

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Hey, everyone. This is producer Kevin just jumping in to say our second call is a follow-up from episode 45 a couple weeks ago with Mary Holland, and it's called Skidmark with Mary Holland. And, yeah, we have a follow-up with one of the callers there, and if you'd like a quick refresher, you can check out Skidmark with Mary Holland. All right, back to Jake and Gareth. Hello?

Hello? We don't give enough credit to Kevin's first hellos. They really are. They lay the foundation. Agreed. They're never in the episode, too. I know. And it's just to peel back the curtain. On this one, let's have it end. Yeah, let's keep it in. All right. So people see how the machine works. So we know that this is a follow-up, but we don't know anything else. So caller, the floor is yours, and Gareth and I are confused. Mm-hmm.

Okay. So this is Layla. Follow up on Skidmark. Hey, Layla. Oh, whoa, wait. Skidmark's Mary Holland. Yes. You're going to try to train him to wipe his butt. Well, Jake, welcome. Yes. Right? Yes, that's exactly it. Right, Layla? Yes. Layla, what's happening? The floor is yours. Oh.

It's not a great update. So we met up to talk about it. And I was soft pitching. Hey, maybe we go through this course and we get you together. And he was completely turned off by it. He felt like I was judging him for making quote unquote one mistake. What? And he didn't understand what

Yeah. He didn't understand why I couldn't let it go. Because his dirty butt ruined your sheets. He's out of control. He's a maniac. You've got to love men. Can we just for a minute talk about – listen, I get why you would be displeased with the behavior of this man. But can we just for a minute on a base level –

So your dirty butt ruined my sheets. What nerve do you have? That was one mistake. Where did you get off? So Layla, why don't you get brown sheets? So Layla, you brought it up as kindly as you can. First of all, you gave him a chance he did not deserve. And he had the audacity to not like that you were bringing it up. Then what happened?

So we just kind of agreed to disagree on that. Agreed. I agree with you and I disagree with him. And so does everybody on planet Earth. Everyone on planet Earth agrees with you besides like nine guys with dirty asses. We're like, well, leave my pee. Oh, I had a dirty ass one time. We're the street. We're people too. Yes. And then so what happened? You just said that'll do it.

They always split up and come to find out he has a girlfriend now. So good luck to her. It's a man's world. He's ruining her sheets. The idea that this guy's jumped into another thing. And she's going like this. Oh, Layla was such a bitch. All you did was take a dump, sit on my sheets, and leave skid marks like it's a big deal. Whatever. We're living in a nightmare on this earth. It's called a male trail. Yeah. Okay. And so then...

So you've moved on from him. Is that the end of the update? Anything else?

Yeah, I just kind of moved on and I'm just, I'm going back to being single. This is the first person I've talked to years and it's just making me go back into retirement. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Don't retire. No way, Layla. He's the wrong guy. Yeah. He's not for you. The kindness of you. Yes. And I'll, you know, as a call, I'll never forget when we were hearing about him shitting on your sheets, sheets you loved. Yeah.

Sheets that I think you said were 160 bucks. Is that right? Just about. Wow. Just about. Yeah. Then my thought was cut him loose. Yes. Your thought was, was he didn't have a good enough childhood. Let's rehab. He was not, he was raised by wolves. I can help him.

So you're going to find a guy who is way closer to a human. There are good guys who aren't crapping beds. Yes, there are good guys who wipe their butts. There are a lot of us who are out there and understand. I would say 95% of adult men have clean butts. I'd go even higher. 98? Well, I don't know about clean, but I would say non-staining. Yeah, yeah.

I would say 97% of men, 98% of them will not, if they sit down bare butt on your sheet, won't stain it. Listen, we know what we're doing in there. It's over. You make sure it's done. And then you get back to pants time. And also, we had gotten so many comments about a bidet.

- So have you ever considered getting a, you can get it on Amazon, I think you can get them for 150 bucks now, but a bidet in your toilet for the next guy who gets there? - Or get a tushy. They sponsor podcasts. - What's a tushy? - A tushy is like you put it on your toilet. It's a very simple, easy way to toilet

Make a bidet. It basically. Yeah. So you basically have your little dial there and you have a bidet. But also, this isn't your problem. It's his. Yeah. No, you're look, you're not. So you're not staining sheets. So we appreciate the update. I'm personally happy you are not with this guy. I am, too. This is what I would call. This is this. This is the skid arc.

We've gone from the beginning to the end. This is the end. Hold on. This is the end. Hold on. And we've got our skid mark arc. And I think...

Layla, Jake loves what I'm doing right now. I'm pretty good at reading him. He just left a skid mark on our show. I did not. I wiped. Layla, good luck. You will find. Do not go into retirement. Don't give up. You have a high bar where you expect someone to not poop where you sleep. Don't give up. Don't give up. And thank you for the call. We're so happy he's out of the picture. You're the winner. He's the loser. End of story. This next woman. Yes. She's going to have to seriously go through that. Thank you.

you guys. I really needed that pep talk. Yeah, you get back in the game. You're a winner. This guy's such a dud. He literally shit on your sheets. Yeah. Thanks, Laila. Bye.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKeown. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio and our video editor is John DeBruin. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.