53: Carnival Fish Bowl with Lamorne Morris
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Hey!

And we are back. Another episode coming your way. We got a special one today. This is always, I mean, I think you say it in the episode, but this is really the friend of friends of the show is joining us. Yeah, the biggest friend of our show, Mr. Lamorne Morris is on today. Yes, I am. And you're in the intro. Which is unusual. Yeah, it's never happened before. Well, we asked you not to be in the intro.

Well, no, I just, because I really want people to tune into my podcast until the morning after. Yeah, but we're not. What we're here to, this is their, on our show to listen to this. Oh. So this is your show. This is, we're here to help. We're recording yours tomorrow, but they're going to drop on the same day. Oh.

So the morning after is going to drop today. There's a lot of schedule talk that I don't think is really the audience is going to love. But it's just what it is. It's just what it is. It's just what it is. So the morning after is my podcast. What is it? You know, we can do a little one-on-one right now. We can do a one-on-two. Oh, you want to do a live teaser? I don't know if we can do... Let's do it. Live teaser.

It feels like live teaser. All right, let's go. Guys, guys, welcome to the show. I think first and foremost, what the fans really want to know. After all this time you guys spend together, have you ever seen each other's penises? Like on purpose or an accident? Without ado, enjoy the show. I kind of want to hear Lamar's podcast.

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You start us. Hello? Hello. Who is this? My name is Portia. Portia? Portia, do you know who you're calling right now? Who are you looking for? Oh, I was looking for the...

I'm ready to the podcast. Sorry. Well, damn it, girl. You got the right place. Welcome to We're Here to Help. I am Jake Johnson from Chicago. You are on with Lamorne Morris, young lady.

Oh my God, I'm freaking out. Portia, remember when you didn't remember the name of the show? That was crazy, right? That's so embarrassing. Everyone is going to eat me alive for that. But I heard Lamorne's voice and I short-circuited. So Portia, you're on with Gareth, Lamorne, and myself. What's your age, where are you calling from, and what can we do for you? I am 24 and I am calling from Oklahoma. Hmm.

Okay. And what's going on? I have been single for the past two years. The past year have been trying to date. And I keep coming across a problem where...

For some reason, men cry in front of me very quickly. And then I get deeply disgusted and can't speak to them again. This is wild. What the fuck? Wait, hold on. Hold on. So this is real. Yeah. You've been going on a lot of dates and the men cry early and it grosses you out. Like, no, I'm not saying like first date. That would be absolutely insane. Right.

Okay. And can you give us one example from one of these guys? Walk us through what happened from the date to the crying, how it happened, just so we can get a better sense. Okay. So probably the most recent one, I went on a date with him. The date was fine itself. And then we were talking back and forth and

And we were supposed to go on another one. I had something come up. I rain checked and he left me a voicemail. He was crying. I could hear the tears. So he left you a voicemail where he was crying about the rain check. About the rain check. Yeah. It was like, I thought I meant more to you than that. Like I thought we had a real connection. And I was like, Oh, what date was this? Two. That was two.

After date one, pre-date two. Did you guys hook up on the first date? Yes. Oh, not that one. Is there a reason you think you're attracting this sort of driveling nightmare? Nightmare is the correct word for that. I think I... I don't know. I think I am a very empathetic person. I try and be like... I come across as very...

Open and friendly. I listen very well. I have very big eyes and the eye contact is usually very And so all right, so hold on a doe eye situation. All right, so you got big eyes you listen well What's the what's the question is the question? How do I get men to stop crying around me? So I I think that's a bit of a big ask. Um, the question is more How

how do i respond to this going forward because it's also my new year's resolution is to stop just ghosting into the wind okay you're dealing with weepers lamorne have you ever cried on a date on a date yeah uh yeah okay i've cried on a date before um early in the dating process uh the pants come out the tears come out yeah no no what happened was um i

I was breaking it up with her. Breaking it off with her. So I had to show that I was so hurt. Walk us through what happened. I'll be her. You'd be her? What's happening on the day? Is there a waiter? Well, we were at a coffee shop. Okay. Hey, what's going on? What do you want to talk to me about? Yeah!

Oh, no, you love me. So the intervention. Let me say something to you. I hate you with everything in me. But there must be a part of me that loves you because I'm here. I love you, Dad. Rocky, do, do, do, do, do whatever the ending is.

He fell off the wagon. Yeah. Drink. So, Porsche, I got a pitch for you. Yeah. I want to jump in really quick. Porsche, you're framing this question a lot nicer than your email, which was the subject was how do I stop being grossed out by men crying? So, Porsche, here's my pitch to you.

I think Kevin's right. You're trying to, now that you're here and Lamorne is here with his new podcast, the Lamorne and after, have you listened to it yet? I have not listened to Lamorne's yet, but I will after this. Okay. Cause it's dropping today. Right now. So after this, you can listen, but here's what I would say. I think you're, you're, you're Kevin's right. You're trying to come across nice and saying, how is this happening? Here's what I think you need to do when you are on the first date with this man.

You need to shame the other men. Yes. You need to say in the middle of the date where he's like, oh, this is really fun. And you go, yeah. And you go, you know what's happening to me? And I don't know if it's because of the big eyes. And he goes, what? And he goes, I have had so many men cry around me like little bitches and nothing turns me off more. And so he'll go,

He was like getting emotional. He'll go like, and that's done. So you have to shame a pattern that you don't want because some of these men might be thinking they like how emotional I am. I'm honest with my feelings. I'm open with my feelings. And a lot of women might like it. You're not one of those women. It is just crazy that I have guys cry that

early but i think jake's right i would get it in the first date anecdotally yes just be like honestly i haven't been on a date since the last guy who just like started crying like literally yeah in between dates started crying and it was just like a huge and then he'll go what a man cry that doesn't happen you'll go honestly i couldn't have been more turned off and then you go and then i end up ghosting these guys lamar what are you thinking i was gonna tell her to just grow up

Okay, so we're going to move forward from that one? No, no, no. Here's what I mean by that. You know, you just said you're 24, right? Don't listen to this. There's a lot of life to be lived. And there's a lesson learned. No, this is real. There's a lesson learned in tears. I feel like what's happening is...

We're all vibrational, right? You're sending off signals to these people that are clearly making them cry. Yeah. They ain't doing it. Blaming her? Yeah, they ain't doing it themselves. Yes, they are. Let me tell you something. If I go on five dates in a row, five dates in a row, and I take this woman, each woman to the same restaurant, each time after we leave the restaurant, they go take a massive shit. It's me. It's my restaurant choices.

I am fucking up they bowels. I gotta go, let me take you across the street to a less shitty environment. Now, you're giving them the doe eyes, you're probably saying key words that are triggering, that you don't understand. What you need to do is lean into it. When these people start crying, you gotta go, yeah, tell me what you're crying about, little bitch.

And they're going to be like, what? And you're like, yeah, get that shit out today because I don't want to deal with it tomorrow. Let's cry. Let's talk about it. And you never know. But if they cry in front of me, I don't want to talk to them after. I'm with you. But Portia, what Lamorne is saying is you're grossed out by it, but push through it and maybe there's something hot on the other side of it. Well, he's also saying, and we're both trying to figure out his shit analogy, but I think it's a good one, which is,

If you are upset with people shitting on the date all the time, move locations. That's right. So he's saying you're doing something. Yes. I don't know if I'm into that. I'll be honest. Who cried like that? Because the morn.

And any restaurant you go to, you take a shit. Not everyone. What are you talking about? How often do you shit, my king? I don't shit at restaurants. You're saying they have explosive diarrhea during the date? Because. Or, you know, you kind of said like they go home and they take a big dump. Right after we eat. But are you. At this restaurant. Every time you eat. What happens about X amount of hours later?

I mean, X amount of hours the body digests and processes. Yeah. But I'm saying if five days... Let me tell you something. I've been on a million dates in my life. You know what's never... Probably a million and one. False. But you know what? Okay, maybe 12. Under a thousand.

But you know what doesn't happen? What? After those dates, they go, can I use the restroom real quick and blow it the fuck up. Or you don't know. They might go home and do it. Or you don't know. Or they just do sprays and they do it fast. No, no, no, no, no, no. You can always tell. You can always tell. How? The shame on their face when they walk out. If they don't have that shame, that means they know they didn't just fuck up your toilet. Do you have shame if you fuck up someone's toilet or are you proud of it? Absolutely. Absolutely.

If it's one of my boys, I'm proud of it. I leave the door open and I let them know I left you a little gift. If I'm at a lovely young lady's home and I have to really ultimately go, I apologize in advance. Or do you do the fake shower? You ever do the fake shower? No, I'm not going to walk into a motherfucking house and just shower. You know, Nick O'Day just be like, I'm going to take a quick shower. Have you done that, Gary? Yes. You're serious? Absolutely. What happens? Sometimes you're like, hey, I'm going to take a shower real quick.

You go, I need to go to the bathroom, and then you go like this. No, no, no. No, no, no. You set it up. Oh, you know. Yeah, you feel rumbling, so you're starting to tee up the story a little bit. Man, it's just so hot. Yeah. You know, something like that. That's gross, but respectful. But what if she's like, let's shower together. Then you're like, I'm taking a shit. You just come clean at the end. So, Lamar, for real? Yeah. Oh, this reminds me of the New Girl story with the winter things.

The winter wonderland. Oh god. I had to shit so bad. But I have to tell you guys. I have to let you guys know. Season one, we were doing a thing where it was like a Christmas episode and we're all stuck in a car together. And it was away from a toilet. We were on location. So location's hard. There's a porta potty somewhere. But you gotta leave set. It's a whole thing. And in the middle of it, it was me, him, and Max in the back. And Max and I were being bullies.

And Lamorne was in the middle. Oh, we used to nickname you Porcelain Morris. And Lamorne started going as if he got shot. And that's not a joke. It went like,

Will you do it? I'm not going to lie to you. It was painful because all of a sudden the cramp hit me and I went, ooh. Fuck. Like a soldier who got shot, but we weren't near a medic. But I tell you why I was doing that. Because the director of that episode was on some bullshit. Who was it? I don't remember. All I remember was they did a shitty job that moment because they kept saying, let's go again. Yes, they were. I remember that too. I was like,

what the fuck are we going this many times for? I gotta take a shit. And I didn't want to express that initially. But just to me and Max. Just to you. And then Max, Jake, he just continued to talk about it. Max was physically tickling my belly. Of course. Helpful friends. Listen, if me and you are sitting on the couch together and you know I gotta take a shit, let me tell you what you don't want to do. It's tickle my belly. Because when I shit, it's everybody's problem. The shrapnel gonna hit you. But the bits were worth it because Lamorne was clearly going like,

like, ugh, stop it! And then we were like, but also, it was as if we were like, wait, this isn't as serious as you're making. He's like, everybody shut the fuck up! And then we were like, at the end of it, you just have to take a dump? You had too much curry at lunch. This was different. It was at the tip.

It was like, you know how it goes through its tunneling? Yeah, yeah, turtling. The turtle was coming out of the shell. Exactly. You should have told me you were going to take a shower. That's what I'd do. I got to go take a shower real quick. So, Portia, here's what, going back to you here. I think you've got to lean in on the date, and I think you have to shame these dudes.

Because if guys are crying around you, maybe you got the big doughy eyes. Maybe you got a sweet face. Maybe your vibe is just so warm and nice that they feel like, you know, we're all holding it in. We all got big emotions. But what you need to say is if you're going to be that guy, let's get through date six.

So shame it a little bit and let this guy know that is not attractive to me. I am not into that. How are you meeting these guys, Portia? Recovery meetings. Weeba Festival.

The criers are mostly on dating apps. Okay, I would also put on your dating profile not looking for a first date crier. Something like that that is like a big bold disclaimer. That's also going to prompt a follow-up on the

hey, so your dating profile, what is that all about? Or you're going to go back and forth in the messages about it. It just gets it out there. And then they could laugh about it. And then what you're kind of talking about is the kind of guy you're looking for. Yes. Oh, I'm sorry. Denzel Washington is raising him. Denzel, what do you think? Yeah.

Nothing wrong with a little emotion. You understand what I'm telling you? I said there's nothing wrong with a little emotion. Here's what you do with those tears. Yeah, you use those tears to grow. Because what happens at the end of a rainfall? Beautiful flowers, green, green grass, lush, lush landscaping. That's what's going to happen to you. And really let him cry. And Denzel, really fast.

Do you like the LeBourne and After podcast? I got to admit, it's one of the greatest podcasts of all time. You understand? Because what they're doing on that podcast is they're setting people up for the future. Hope.

When I listen to that podcast, I get hope. Sometimes when I'm in a place of despair, I go and put on the La Morning After, and it becomes the La Morning After pill. The cure. You understand? Yes, sir. Yeah. Thank you so much for coming. It's not Denzel, but it's just me. Damn it. I don't want to come back and do it again. All right, Portia, full disclosure, Denzel Washington is not joining us. So, Portia, what do you think of On Your Dating App?

making a joke, which is going to make you a funnier type person and saying what your wants are. Somebody friendly and fun and sweet. I love dogs. Don't cry. Yeah. Blah, blah, blah. What do you think of that?

I kind of really like that. I think that'll work. My dating apps, they lean funnier anyway. I make a lot of jokes on them already, and then maybe that can make it lead to a conversation where they're like, so is that also a joke? And I can be like, no, actually, that one was very real. Please don't cry. I think that makes a lot of sense. I think you're going to win there. We've got to go out now. We're ending. We want to thank.

The biggest friend of this show that we've got. I agree. Thank you. We don't have a friend of the show as sweet as Mr. Lamorne Morris, a.k.a. Garrett Morris. That's right. In the new SNL. Do you have a Garrett Morris yet? Do I have a Garrett Morris yet? Are you working on The Voice? Yeah, I'm working on it. Can we hear what you got? It'll be fun for the audience when they see it later. It's pretty good. I like that, man. Okay. Portia, are you going to take our advice on the app?

I am going to take your advice on the app. Will you send us a screen grab after you've changed it and we will block out the name and we will post it along with this episode? Absolutely. And are you going to listen after this? When you listen to your own thing, send it to your friends and go like, oh my God, I was on it. Are you then going to all listen to the morning after podcast? Because Jake's going to be on it right away. Yes. I'm going to listen to the morning after and all my friends are going to have a listening party for this.

That's right. So we thank you for the call. Before you go, before you go, just one last piece of advice. You don't have to take this advice. Next time the person tears, they cry, next time they cry a little bit, use it as lubrication. That's our time, y'all. All right. Thank you, Porsche. You can really ignore the end there or take it if you want. I like that you that's our time call yourself at this point. Use it as lubrication. That's our time, y'all.

Bye. Bye.

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Keep the carbs out of summer without compromising flavor with Hero Bread. Get 10% off your order at hero.co and use code HELP at checkout. That's HELP at H-E-R-O dot C-O. Hello? Hi. Hi, how you doing? Good, how are you? Welcome to We're Here to Help, America's number one podcast. Don't look it up. I'm with Jake Johnson, Gareth Reynolds, and you. Who are you?

- My name is Gracie. - Gracie. And your estimated age, Gracie? - Estimated age, 24, give or take three months. - And where are you calling from? - Give or take how many years there, Gracie? 25?

Yeah, anyway, just a rough range. Sure. 24, give or take 40 years. You could potentially be a baby? This is wild. No, I want you guys, by the end of the call, you guys can just kind of guess where I'm at in that range. Hey, Gracie, what diner off the highway are you currently waitressing? Gracie. By the end of this, you're going to guess. Hold on, honey. You want apple pie? And yes, you could smoke it here. We're out of cream. Because the year is 1974, darling.

Where are you, Gracie? Ask Jay or not. Just saying. Ask Jay, please. I'm in New Haven, Connecticut. I think that adds to the lore. And can I get change for this dollar to play the jukebox that's currently at the table, that little weird one that's on the side? It's only a nickel? Yeah, that little nickel one? Absolutely, absolutely. But no, you can only pick Tom Jones. That's the one. Perfect. There's only Tom Jones. A dream diner. Perfect. Well, what's going on, Gracie? What can we help you with? Well, okay, so this narrows down my age a little bit. So I'm a senior engineering student.

Cool. And so basically for engineering students, like we don't do a thesis for our senior year. We do like a capstone project for our last two semesters. Okay. And we can build literally whatever we want. It just has to be like some

something useful and like novel, like ideally a new concept. Cool. And my problem is that me and my team of three other people keep getting rejected for our project ideas. So we need your help coming up with a original idea. So Gracie, you gotta, you gotta help us first. What were your other ideas? Well, so our first idea, which we were super pumped about and we got immediately shot down was we were going to make a Shirley Temple maker. And I don't think they believe that we were going to make Shirley Temples with it.

And so basically, just so I understand, because I like that you're talking about building, right? Pretend I need you to see the inner me. I'm a 70 year old guy in Chicago who barely knows how to do email. So, Gracie, you're telling me you're going to build a robot. Right.

That's what engineers do? You're building robots, honey? Pretty much. Yeah, mechanical engineering. Okay, mechanical robot makers. One of the things that you talked to your teachers about was making a Shirley Temple-making robot, and they said no. Is that correct? Yeah, we wanted it to be like an automated robot. Excellent. They made a mistake there. I'd have shot it down, I'll be honest. You would have? Yeah. Why?

Wow. Let's keep swinging. Let's go for the fences a little bit. And then, Gracie, will you give myself and audience members who are leaning towards my level of understanding? Jake, feel free to include me. You're Gracie? Well, oh, no. What were you going to say? I thought you were going to say dumb it down fast. Dumb it down a little. Yeah. Why are you leaving me? What do you think? I know what's going on right now. You said you didn't like the Shirley Temple. I thought you were an engineer guy. No, no.

Oh, no. No, I'm an idiot. Okay. I just know I'm just a tastemaker. I got you. So what are some of the things that- You make a pina colada. I'm listening. Okay. What are some of the things that your teachers would want?

Well, so, well, I mean, I don't want to go like too fancy. I'm not much of like a physics person. Like most of my group, we like just like building random shit. But so the reason I want like to pick your brains about this, because maybe you won't be the most like technically inclined people, but I like think like Shark Tank, like, like ideas that like make your life more convenient. Like what's like a little like something. Yeah. You're Barbara. Uh, Gareth, you're, you're Mark Cuban. You've watched, you've listened to the show. Have you watched it on YouTube yet?

I have a little bit, yeah. Mostly listen. I listen while I drive. I respect that. I'm the same way with podcasts. But who would we be in terms of Shark Tank, in your opinion? Yeah, forgetting what we just said. And don't worry about our feelings. Well, I mean, I think Jake, you're pretty spot on with Barbara. I think that's a pretty easy pick. Yeah, yeah. Because Jake has no problem saying to someone, you're an agent of chaos and I don't do chaos. But also Barbara at the end always goes to like strong men. I just want to get a hug. Yeah.

I think you guys, oh my, they take off their shirt. It's a robe company. She goes, I'll give you a million dollars for you to keep taking your robe off. That's what I read. And she's also, I do real estate. I do this, but I also don't know what she's adding to the table. Just kind of a, she bought one lobster truck and here we are.

It's like all she did on this show. And she's made like a billion bucks off those guys. And then they have to do little spots with her where they're like, we've sold a billion rolls, but our profit margins are dog shit. And she's like, I'm swimming in lobster money. The updates.

This is mainly B-roll, and then at the end, Barbara's just going to shout how she loves swimming and money. They're on the shore near their truck, and she's on a yacht going like, keep selling my lobsters, you suckers. I gave you $80 for 100% of your lobster boat. Everything you just said has happened. Yes, and it would happen to us if we pitch. Once they said you got two sharks, 100%, I'd go like, deal, deal.

Who would Gareth be, Gracie? I don't know. I'm leaning towards Mr. Wonderful because of how critical he was of the Shirley Temple idea. But I don't see him as a Mr. Wonderful. I won't be critical in perpetuity. Yeah, but all Mr. Wonderful pitches is the same thing. I'll give you one. I want $1 of every product for the rest of your life. And then when you're dead, I get 50 cents. I'll tell you who Gareth is. It's Robert.

Yeah. I was going to say Damon. It hurts. But you're Robert. It hurts. Yes. Immigrants, child of immigrants, kind of weird. It's annoying pretty quick. Great vibe. Great vibe until you keep digging and then you're like, I'm going to go over there. But if there's anything where they're like, so this is a company that does high heels, Robert will go, I'll try them on.

And you're like, they haven't even finished. And then in the background of the pitch, you just see like Robert on like a Zumba. He's not going to fit in those. Hold on. And then they go, so this is a women's underpants. And then all of a sudden he's like, give me a minute. He's got them on his head. And Robert, you're actually hurting their pitch. I made it about me super quick.

Totally. That hurts. Who would Kevin be? Damon? I think... No, he would be one of the guests who comes in for like one... You know, like Ashton Kutcher does an episode. Yeah, right. He would be somebody who came in but didn't make any offers. He's Bethany Watson, the woman who came up with the skinny martini. Yeah. From The Real Housewives.

I'm the guy who opens the really big door just out of shock. That is so fucking funny. And you interview them afterwards. Kevin's the guy who's just like, three, two, go. You'll hear the music. Start walking when I point to you, though. Excellent. All right, so now we got it. So then really quickly,

pitch us a little bit of what they like, just so we have a, and we, I know, we know what you want from us sharks, right? You want some fun, crazy ideas, but we got to win here, Gracie. You know, if we're going to put equity in this company and you want two sharks together, you want Robert and Barbara on this. Well, we got to figure out what the market is, who's winning, and then we could pitch on it, but we are going to want 51% of the company. I agree. And,

That is so true. I totally get that. We got all the evidence right here. You guys are the entire creative process. Thank you, Gracie. You're an agent of chaos and we don't do chaos, Gracie. So Gracie, tell us this. When we say in terms of Shark Tank, they talk about competition, right? If you want shelf space at the grocery store, who are your competitors? So what are they looking for in that? And we're going to refer to it as your competition. What do these teachers want? What's your competition?

Well, so they, they ideally want, like, I have a buddy from who he's graduating this semester and he, since last semester, he's been working on like 3D models of like a shoulder joint, like, like for the nursing students. Okay. So he's 3D printing that so they can like study that. So like,

I don't know. They love like that scientific stuff. Okay. Now I get it. So it's, they, they want things that are going to brain shaming us right now, Jake. Yeah. But what they're brain shaming, they want to know. Yeah, you are. Hey, Robert, cool it. I'm just putting the high, you know, you became Mr. Wonderful. We might've just, you labeling me. Robert might've changed the show's trajectory. Yeah.

I pretend to be Mark Cuban. Yeah. And sometimes like when my movie was coming out, we would be like, he's Mark Cuban, but I'm Barbara. Yes. It is a, it's a podcast of Barbara and Robert. Yes, man. And, and man, Robert goes, number one podcast. And Barbara goes, stop saying that.

It's painfully accurate what has happened here. 68 and balmy. 70 and sunny. Ugh. We gotta...

All right, I quit. I'm done with the podcast. I can't figure out if the door is push or pull, and you're just hearing rattling. I'm going to give proof on that one. Our Rachel Bilson, Olivia Allen episode, the reason it's all in weird dude shots, and our Instagram quality is bad is because the cameras weren't turned on.

They were on. They just weren't technically recording anything. The cameras were on. They just fooled me into thinking they were recording. So, Gracie, are you sure you want pitches from this version of Shark Tank? You're going to get them. Because you're not talking to Cuban and Lori. This is really fishbowl. This is.

hungry fish carnival fish bowl listen listen i want you give me the wackiest stuff you can think of like incongruences in your life and a wacky thing that can fix it you know like ideally i want to be a millionaire so do we not gonna happen okay what are your hobbies my hobby oh i love woodworking so anything woodworking i'm a woodwork guy myself too there's maybe an invention in here that could help i'm a we work guy what do you what do you make with wood

I've built desks. I'm currently working on beams to put in the ceiling, like a vaulted ceiling in my house. Nothing too intricate yet. I only just got, like, I'm just building up. Go ahead, Barbara. I have a pitch. Go ahead, Barbara. Ooh, okay. All right. I'm sorry to interrupt, but you just looked. She hasn't even said if she likes my idea yet. I'm out on Robert. The saddest part is when somebody goes like,

I will give you the, you're asking, right? Uh, 250,000 for 18%. And the person goes, thank you so much. Um, Mark Cuban, would you go down to 30%? I'll pay you to work with me. By the way, I've never seen Robert and Barbara team up. No. Imagine those are the two sharks you walk out with. That's why it works. That's why it works. Um, in that little post interview with Kevin, I'm so excited. I got two sharks. Um, I came in here really hoping it was going to be,

Robert and Barbara. Never. You see Robert swimming in the fish tank behind him. I mean, what the fuck is this guy doing at this point? And where's Barbara? She's again just bragging about those stupid lobsters. You find out Robert has no money? How is he here? It's all black because I don't have the cameras on. It's just audio. It's just the sound. Okay, wait, what was your pitch? So here's my pitch. I too am a woodworker, Gracie. And a lot of the stuff I do, I end up doing alone.

Right. And part of the stuff when you throw beams up is, and I've done it, the big goddamn beam and it's heavy and you need, sometimes you don't want to like call a friend or hire somebody so you could create something that is a,

carpenter's assistant or a hobbyist. And that is a funny looking robot hobby buddy with like a mustache and overalls or a wig and like overalls. And it's a woman, however you want.

They also have music that plays out of them. Because you also need music in there. Their stomach, you open up as a refrigerator. You can also step on it like a ladder. Or you can move its arms up and it can hold beams in place. I got an idea, too. How about you shout a number at it? It will repeat.

it so that if you measure what you can then say 32 and then let you measure length. What was width? You also AI a little bit in its brain so that you go like, what's the area of this? Yeah, right. And it goes like 64. Yep. And then you go like, if I wanted to do a beam, because a lot of times you'll go like when I was doing a roof on a little cabin, I'll go like, what's the slope I should do? And then it would go, it's got to be two inches down. So you just go like,

And you name it. You go like, hey, Alf, what's the version here that works? And it goes like, you're going to want like a three degree slope. And you go like, all right, I'll do that slope. All right, happy buddy. And you can also say, you know, because it gets boring, you can go like, got any good stories?

And you could program jokes. You could program stories. You could also go like, you recommend any podcast? And it goes like, yes, we are here to help. We own equity in it. So, you know, going back to Shark Tank, here's what they always say. Your product would work great because I currently have a product that I do weddings. Yes. We've sold over 100 million of these. And your weird Gouda cheese works in our photo booth idea.

So we program, we're here to help so that while you're working, you just go like great name for it too. We're here to for the hobby buddy. Yes. It's there to help. Yeah. I'm here to help. No, it would be the prompt would be play America's number one podcast. But the name of the thing could be here to help. Yes. So you create the HTH and here's how you make more money off it. Grace. Is it just for woodworking? No.

If you want to go small market, but you want Barbara and Robert, it's also a mother's helper, a father's helper. It's around the house. You do a version and maybe we'll get Mark Cuban in here. You go to frat houses and it could be like the keg stand helper, keg stand helper. It could also be like the keg filler upper. Yeah. It could also be the keg. Yes. Move the keg. So you're creating a robotic system.

helper that each person could have options of what they want to program within it. What do you think? I mean, that sounds pretty good. I like it, especially for the woodworking, because I'm not looking forward to putting up those beams. How achievable is something like that?

I think the multi-purpose aspect is we can keep it narrow. Let's target one audience. Hold on. But you start small. Yeah. Gracie, when I first came on to Lobster Boys, these were two guys who sold lobsters. Jake, what's happening? Because you're Jake and you're talking about a Barbara thing? I'm Barbara. Okay. That's better. I just can't commit to the voice. I think we all like it when you do, to be quite honest. Gracie, when I started, it was two guys in a van selling hot lobsters out of their butt cracks. Yeah.

Their total sales were $80. I said, you're good enough to eat anything out of that butt crack. I would eat a raw lobster with its shell on those butt cheeks. And I would because I'm an animal.

I lived at the bottom of a swamp for three years in 1961. We cut 20 minutes ago. I eat alligators while they're alive. Barbara, Barbara, Barbara. I fought a grizzly bear when I was 94 and I won. I am a grizzly bear. So here's what I would say.

Keep the pitch clean at the beginning. All that shit I pitched. Go ahead. Well, I think that's right. I think what Jake's talking about, what Jake's talking about is when they always talk about having a line. That's your follow up. That's your like, hey, and I think we could do it. But right now you're a hobby. You're not a business. I think right. Jesus Christ. I think I met the guy who's watched more Shark Tank than me. I think I think the things that were helpful, right, was the beam helping.

Uh, the idea of being able to give you a measurement repeat, you name it, Woody, you name it, Woody. I like that. Okay. Okay. And, and if you did do a line, each one could be named. Agreed. You know what I mean? Um, Barbara, Barbara, Robert is the buddy for the guys. Oh, you could also do like the grandma version. Yeah. Right. Let's just stay on Woody. So what, so what he helps you lift beams. What he helps you numbers measurements. Yeah. Uh,

Woody would have like- Oh, also, you put all your tools, because one of the most annoying things about woodworking, and I know you can relate, Gracie, is you go, where the fuck did I put that drill bit?

Well, everything is in Woody. Why don't we have Woody have a magnet belt? Yes. Where you can put things like that. There you go. You've got to do a little tool belt. And it's magnetized so that you basically just pop it on there and it's easy to rip off. But so all the tools are these. And then you could say, you could also say to Woody, because here's a real pain. You're hammering something in and you go, hey, Woody, I need two things.

three inch nails and the hand go picks it out of the little belt and hands it to you. How about this too? If you can, now this is maybe getting a little crazy, but

Woody has a laser that points to where the hammer is going to hit. Yes. And so Woody, in one hammer smack, can put a nail into a board. Yeah, it could be. It's got to be held in. Now, that's, I think, for the premium model. So Robert's a tech guy. Robert came from a Lithuanian family with no money. My parents were immigrants. We lived on latkes. They were janitors. We were janitors. And not you. You were just a little boy. I'm not a janitor. I'm wearing high heels because that's what your pitch is.

Help me, Jake. I'm drowning in Barber's Lobster Ocean. I've had 740 lobsters today. The boys made no money on it. The doctor says that I'm pink like a flamingo because I've only eaten shells. So, Grace, what do you think about your pitch being Woody, the woodworking helper? Yes.

I'm very into this. Great. I know personally it would be very helpful. And you have passion for it. You know the problems you're trying to solve. Hey, Gracie, when you build this,

I want you to come back to us and I want you to pitch to us the product on a fucking zoom with Woody. And then guess what? We might raise some money and goddamn invest in it. And we might become real shark. Jake stand. Barbara's standing up on the Ottoman. Just so you know, I'm going to take this. Like I took those lobster rolls, Gracie, and you're going to end up watching me eat.

eat them on my yacht. We got a little great there at the end, Barbara, but it was really good up until then. Gracie, will you do that? Will you give us a dry run of the pitch when you're ready? Absolutely. Absolutely, I will. Gracie, thank you for the call. Thanks, Gracie. Thank you, guys. Appreciate it. Bye-bye.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKean. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.