64: A Prince Among Rats with Biff Wiff and John Feitelberg
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we are back back another winner no matter what anyone says america's number one podcast um our intro is on zoom but the show is in studio yes because garf man is on tour yep and uh you know there's still i got shows coming up in uh the midwest and denver but that was sold out but i'll be in chicago milwaukee madison cleveland garethrolls.com is that a two-bed hotel room

I'm not. No, I'll answer your question if I can ask you a question. Deal. Did you notice that a long time ago and have been saving it? Honest to God, no. I just when we were talking about the intro of where you are, I noticed there's two unmade beds very close together. So like I told you before, when I go on the road, the club will pay for the bed.

And the room, not just the bed. That sounds really, really weird. Like a brothel. But what clubs are you going to? You know, I pay for the room. They get the bed. It's a pretty good split. Um,

No, so I had my first down night without a show in eight nights. Nine shows in eight nights, and I had my first down night last night, so I paid for the room. So Luke, who comes on the road with me, I got us the room, so I got a room with two beds. Now he's in his own room. You're doing a show every night?

I had been. Yes. Mama Mia. Yes. A lot of times these get pretty intense. A lot of times the show every night, a new city every night. So you do a show, you sleep, you wake up, you drive three hours, you get some place, you get settled in, you go to the comedy club, you perform. Yep.

That's wild living. It's wild. It adds up, but you oddly get kind of conditioned to it and don't start thinking about it until you start seeing a day off coming and you're like, oh, I can't wait. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But again, I mean, it's like this work is such enjoyable work. The worst part of it is the logistical nature of it, the shows and stuff. Once you're at the club, you're like into it. Even if you're tired, you're like excited. Yeah, that's interesting. Yeah.

Um, but yes, there's two beds, but now I've turned one bed into the pillow fort, which I always do. So everybody, our show is again, you can watch us, uh, in studio if you want to watch on YouTube or if you're listening to wherever you get your podcasts, tell people, people, let people know about our show. It's really helpful. We have a fun one today. We have two guests. Yes, we have two guests. Our first guest on this one is, uh,

a man named Biff with a guy who, my boy, I love Mr. Biff with, he's the best. He was in my movie, uh, self-reliance. I think he was the best part of the movie. He was, as I was watching him act, I had out of body experiences where I thought I've been playing this game professionally now since 2004. Uh, I've acted opposite Tom Cruise, some real killers, uh,

And I was thinking watching Biff with this is the best guy I've ever acted with. Is that right? He is. He's my favorite type of actor. He's so good. He's so present. He everything he says is funny. And I thought he is. I could watch him do this forever. It's also gratifying to see him be recognized now. Yes. Well, I mean, it started with Tim Robinson's. I think you should leave. Yep.

Uh, he's so funny in that show. Hilarious. And I had missed it. So when I was doing auditions, I saw his tape. Uh, and I was like, who is this guy? And the casting director's like, have you seen, I think you should leave. And I hadn't yet. And then when I saw his work as like, I was like, Oh my Lord. And then Biff whiffs cameos too. I watched a bunch of his cameos. I'm like,

I mean, I don't know if you get any better. That's great. So he comes on our show is really great. We also have John Feidelberg, who is part as part of KFC radio with Barstool Sports and also has a sketch show. We should point out called Out of Order, which you can check out on YouTube.

John and Kevin have do a, their, their radio show, KFC radio, their podcast. I've been doing that for years. And I think those guys are as good as it gets in doing this. They've always been one of my favorite shows to jump on when I'm doing press. They're really funny. They're really great. And they also have each other's back in a really sweet way where Kevin DM to me a bunch afterwards and been like,

Make sure you talk about his sketch show out of order. He's like, John's a wonderful actor, but he's not going to say anything about it. And I was like, you two guys are the best. And I will say both the guys are hilarious. John's a killer. He did. John's great. He felt like the third brother of you and I were combined. Yes, I agree. I felt like when I was, if we were smushed together, John's right in between you and I. Poor bastard. He's really funny on this one.

He's great. And, uh, cause we put them together cause you'll see they really work well together. Yes. And, uh, and also we have, uh, as you know, we, uh, have followups and, uh,

And this episode is no different. Yes. An exciting installment in our series. And I'll say this as well. We are now on Patreon. Kevin, our Patreon handle is... Here to Help Pod. Here to Help Pod. We are just starting it. We're having fun with it. We're going to be doing some stuff over there. We're going to be doing some stuff here, as always. And look, we're enjoying the experiment, and we appreciate you guys coming along with us. Yep. So with all that said... Enjoy the show. Enjoy the show.

Hello? Hello. Hey, can you hear me? Yeah, can we get your name, please? Yes, my real name, I assume? Whatever you want. You want a real one or a fake one? I'll do a fake one. I'll be Jimmy. Jimmy? So, Jimmy, you got a special one today.

You got me in the garf. Hello. But then you've got... Well, I guess I'd have to say, and I've said it to him, maybe my favorite actor in this weird Hollywood game, a fucking prince among fucking rats. A king of the game. A guy that you just put a fucking camera on and his instincts are incredible. A guy who...

I wrote a movie. I starred in it. I directed. I produced it. And this fucking guy steals it from me. It was easy pickings. Come on. A guy from Tim Robinson's I Think You Should Leave who crushes that. My shirt brother. A shirt brother. Santa in that. Mr. Biff.

with George the Pod. Howdy, howdy, howdy. It's great to be here. As good as it gets, and you were so good in the movie, and you know how I feel about you. I know how you feel about me. I feel the same way about you. And this fucking dude was on the original Night Court. Isn't that right? Yes, I was on the original and the current Night Court. Oh, you were on both? Yeah. That's pretty cool. Yeah. Hey, Jimmy, where are you calling from, pal?

I am calling from Atlanta, Georgia. Okay. ATL. And how old are you? I'm in my thirties. Okay. That's fair. Very general. Beginning or the end of them? Uh, beginning. I'm 31. Young guy, young guy. All right, Jimmy, what can we do for you? All right. So, um,

Me and my partner have been married for three years. I have known her for eight years. Okay. And I love her, but the one thing that I can't get over is... I love her, but is a great story. She still calls her mom and dad, mommy and daddy. Yuck. Jesus Christ. I'm with you, Jimmy. Yeah. It's not that. I don't know. It just rubs me the wrong way, you know? So I need you guys' help to figure out...

I just don't know how to get it to stop. By the way, this isn't a bit. I'm with you. Oh, I'm with you. I don't care. As long as the stakes are high for you, Biff. I don't care. I don't care. Let her call whenever she wants. What's your problem?

So you don't want it to do mommy and daddy. And the question is, is how do we get out of this? Biff, unfortunately is the voice of reality and who gives a shit that the problem with that Biff is that we don't have a show.

We have to give a shit Oh we have to So if you did give a shit Imagine if you gave a shit I'd give a shit Biff I'm gonna get you in the headspace For what the show is cause I am with you The reality is Jim who gives a shit right

But the point of this one is, imagine Jimmy's our very good friend. Okay. The three of us are in our bar. We maybe smoked a little bit of weed. A lot. We had a couple of drinks. And our friend goes, guys, what do I do? My wife is calling her parents mommy and daddy, and it's driving me nuts. Okay. So as a good friend, we can't say who cares. Having a few drinks and some weed makes it a lot easier to care. Yes.

I care now. Poor Jimmy. There we go. Good. See, Jimmy, we got him where we need him. Okay, Jimmy. So keep walking us through it. So the mommy and daddy stuff, what else? So it's more about we've, I've had conversations with her about, Hey, you know, can we change the mom and dad? Can we do mother and father? Can we just, you know, I feel like mommy and daddy is a very, I brought it up to her. Okay. So where the issue lies is her parents, right?

seem to be offended when we try to make the change. So on family trips, you know, we've been like, okay, let's start to make the change. Let's, you know, let's try mom, dad and see what happens. And they are the ones that,

Hey, Ben, what are you thinking? You got shit kicking in between those ears. What are you thinking? I'm wondering why Jimmy cares about this so much is what my thing is. So you care because it's annoying to you, right? Right.

And I'm trying to get this picture of Jimmy as a friend of mine. Okay, so Jimmy, what do you do for work, kind of? We're trying to get Biff on your team. We have a new problem, which is we've got to make Biff like you. Hold on. Yeah, that's a good idea. It's a lot easier if you like the guy. Yeah, so Jimmy, what do you do? What are some traits about you so we can get Biff with you? Let's see. So some traits are I work with.

I work in real estate. What do you think of that, Biff? Easy, Jimmy. I'm a huge college football fan. Oh, who's your team? My team is Clemson. Okay. Clemson, is that his team? That's mine. Okay, all right. Jimmy, wrong direction. This is going sideways? Jimmy, what do you do for fun? Do you ever go out and have a few pops? Do you drink? Oh, yeah, yeah. What's your drink of choice? Oh, yeah. My drink of choice is going to be any

Any kind of light beer, usually Coors Light. That's kind of my go-to. Jimmy, you're letting your head out on a beer. What's that? Hold on, Jimmy. We got the great Biff Whiff's about to say something. What are you thinking of that, Biff? I'm thinking Coors Light isn't even beer, is it? Boy, I'll tell you. When he was answering, I was like, Jimmy, I don't know if you know how much is hinging on this answer. Coors Light came out. Jimmy, do you smoke weed? All right. If I'm letting my hair down, I'm going whiskey on the rocks.

That's what I'm going to drink if I'm out. Okay, there you go. Now you're talking. What kind of whiskey? I have Angel's Envy at home. That's what I kind of drink for the most part. Okay, I'm trying to get you, Jimmy. I'm trying to get you with Biff a little bit here. Do you smoke any weed? Yes. Oh. Oh.

Okay. Okay. Now, how often are you a weed man? Oh, man. Like in the last hour? Every day. Every day. Oh, every day. Every day. There you go. Now, Jimmy, what kind of music do you like to listen to when you smoke a little bit of weed?

I like the Grateful Dead. I'm a jam band kind of guy. Deadhead. Okay. All right. Okay. Now we're getting on the same page. Yes. Okay. And Jimmy, you've probably taken a little acid at some point if you're a big deadhead guy, right? At some point you've taken a maybe a little bit? No, a little bit. Yeah, a little bit of acid. A little bit. Okay. So now hold on for a second. Now, Biff, I'm going to go to you here, sir. Yeah.

Our buddy Jimmy, the deadhead guy, smokes a little weed, likes a whiskey on the rocks. Regular salt of the earth. Kind of fun guy. He's at the table with him. We like him. We love him, but we like him. Okay. His wife calls fucking her parents mommy and daddy. It's killing. It's killing Jimmy.

What can we say to Jimmy? I know you don't care, but it's grossing out our guy when he's jamming out to trucking and hitting a one hitter. It's ruining his vibe, man. He can't be wavy gravy with his mommy and daddy shit. Because I'll tell you what it doesn't do is it doesn't get the juices going downstairs when his hot wife is going, mommy, daddy.

So, Biff... You saying that while they're doing it? No. If that helps you, then yeah. But, Biff, you got anything in your head, just to start us off, how this guy can get his wife to stop saying mommy and daddy? Mommy and daddy's okay with you, Jimmy? Yeah, what about her parents? Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, her parents, they like me. I mean, if that's yeah, they like me. We all get along. And when you brought it up to them and you said, what if we went mom and dad, what'd they say?

They were just like, why do you need to do that? What's wrong with it? I'm like, well, I don't know. Just the connotation as a grown-up. I got a pitch. Here's my pitch. Around them, you refer to her as a bunkie.

and you make her call you like pumpkin man or something. So you're doing pet names around mommy and daddy until they get a little bit of like a little bit off put. Right. So in front of her dad, if your wife is calling you like, you know,

Some sort of pet name. What did you think, Biff? What were you about to yell? Bunny. Pumpkin. Pumpkin. Yes. I thought you wanted Bunky. Bunky. Bunky's worse. But if she's Bunky and you're Pumpkin. Bunny and Bunky. And all of a sudden it's happening. Every sentence ends with that. Overdo it. You could overdo it to the point of then her parents get uncomfortable and you say, I have an idea.

What if we cut all these, you're mom and dad, and I'm Jimmy and she's Jane, and you make an agreement as a group to stop with the names? Do you think something like that could work, Jimmy? I think so, because when we first started dating, we used babe and baby a lot, and they hated that. That's great. Okay, good. So if they hate babe and baby, what are nicknames that could work for you and your partner that's not silly but really gross? Oh, God.

What's the grossest stuff you guys could do that you know is in your wheelhouse? Man, I don't know. Something like slobber puss. I don't know. Slobber puss is as gross as a cat. You almost made Caitlin, our social media director, barf. Jimmy, I got to tell you. In my head, I'm like, he's not going to grab the ball and dunk it on this. But then you came up with that. So if you called her...

If you called her slobberpuss. I think you can search that on Pornhub and have over a thousand results. That's awful. If you called her slobberpuss. I thought I may have. Slobberpuss. Yeah, I remember her. Jimmy's wife. So what could she call you?

Oh, that's good. I only had one. I only had one. So how crazy is this, Jimmy? And only if you're going to really do it. But what if what if you called her slobber pussy? She called you slobber dick. Oh, my God. You cannot. But hold on, Jimmy.

If you're looking to end an awkward mommy and daddy situation, and you in a baby voice called her slobberpuss, and she said yes, slobber dick, it ends it. That's the bomb. The parents are going to hear slobberpuss and make eye contact. Like, that was weird. And then when she comes back with like, here's the mashed potatoes, slobber dick, they're going to be like, get the car.

I don't know what's happening here. Very quickly, the vibe is going to change. Oh, yeah. But you could say, I'm really sorry. These are just names we call ourselves when you guys aren't around. And then you go, if it's uncool, sorry, sorry. And then you go, should we cool it with the names and just go to first names? What's in a name? Right. Yeah. Is that insane, Jimmy? Or are we near a zone you might go? I can answer.

Yeah. I think we're down the right track. You do. Jimmy, all right. Hold on. All I'm doing is talking real talk. Jimmy, you're telling me there's a world where mom and dad are over, and you call your wife slobber puss, and she's straight-faced in front of mommy and daddy, calls you slobber dick, and this is in the realm of possibility? If it is, I'm very excited. There is a possibility for me to do slobber puss, absolutely, because I'm kind of the juggler.

but joe i don't know yeah yeah yeah the family where i i say i say stuff that people are sometimes like oh you can't say that in front of her parents okay but i don't know if i could get her to say slobber day okay good what could you get her to say sleepy man i don't know sleepy man but sleepy man it's gross it's in the vote it's in the zone of mommy and daddy i'll say that

If you're sleepy, man, if I'm a fucking if my daughters called their husband sleepy man in front of me, I would hate it. I got an idea. I just what if she starts calling you, daddy? There you go. You know, I thought about that. If she's calling you, daddy, it at least brings up. Oh, well, I started calling her slobber puss. And I like I wanted her to start calling me daddy. Oh, I mean, it's a confusing. You might be on to something.

the zone of you guys calling each other mommy and daddy in front of them because never in a bedroom would a man and a woman having sex call each other mom and dad no it's never like oh dad oh dad I request no it isn't I always request papa but the idea of saying like mommy could

be hot in some circles mom is not no I like grandpa I asked for that yes during sex so what do you think about leaning into you guys say she goes daddy yeah you and him at the same time go yeah oh which one are you talking oh that would gross him out it creates it creates a confrontation which is not a bad thing and then your daughter then your wife has to say like I'm sorry dad I was actually talking to Jimmy

Sorry, Dad. This is good. Sorry, Dad. I was actually talking to Jimmy. Mm-hmm. Jimmy, where are you at? We might have fucking nailed this one.

I think that would work because even if she is just calling them mommy and daddy, we don't even have to have a plan. I'm just going to start answering. That's it. That's great. Jimmy, you know what? You got to run through fire on this one to get to the other side. But whenever she says daddy, if you respond, it's going to kill her dad. And then the dad's going to say, hold on, I'm dad. And you're going, okay, sir, but I am daddy. All right. Yeah.

What do you think, Jimmy? I mean, it feels like it was a group mind, but do you feel good about that? Yeah. No, I can do that. Will you please follow up with us after you do this? Can I even request a crazier thing? Film it? Just put your phone on record so we can overhear it. Well, it's hard.

because she's got to say, Daddy, then he's got to get the phone out. No, you just lay it down. I record hours of stand-up just on audio files. It's creepy. I can plan. If you could plan this, and if you could record this, oh, you are a fucking king. It would just be a lovely follow-up. Yeah. So, Daddy, please try to pull that off.

I mean, I'm telling you, just hearing Jake say it, it turns you on. No, Jimmy, we got to go. Jake has some stuff. If you can pull that off, it would be a massive win for you and the show, buddy.

I think I can. All right. So let us know what happens. Jimmy, we look forward to it. And Mr. Biff Whiff. Good talking with you, Jimmy. I hope this works out for you. There you go. What a sweet ending. Yeah, it really was. You ran this guy through hell. And in the end, you ended with a cherry on top of the sundae. You kicked the hell out of him. But now you're friends. Biff is the architect of the new term slobber dick, which is. Yes, that's right.

Mr. Slobberdick. Mr. Slobberdick. Thank you, Ben. Thank you, Daddy. Thank you, Daddy.

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who now is just back to hunk, is a big fan of Hungry Root, as we all are. But you have a little story, Kevin. I've for years have been looking for a meal delivery service that caters to vegans. A lot of them do not have a vegan version. They're closest they have is a veggie. And those aren't really that good. I literally Googled three months ago, best vegan delivery service. Hungry Root popped up.

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Oh, hey. Hi. Do I detect an accent or just a weird high? Uh, I, you, I was not expecting to jump on just yet. Here I am though. I'm not sure if you've answered the question. Are we boozing or are we from another land? Uh, maybe boo, sweetheart. Did you drink yourself Irish-ish? Uh,

You're American? I am. Best country on earth, number one USA. Welcome to We're Here to Help, America's number one podcast and in the world soon enough. You're on with Jake Johnson, Gareth Reynolds, and our guest, the one and only from KFC Radio, John Feidelberg. Give it up for John, everybody. Thank you very much for having me, John. Thank you for joining. Thank you for joining. We're not going to lie. We're hot. So we feel very good about solving this issue. Can we get your name, your age, and where you're calling from, and then we'll get into it. Macy Gray.

Macy Gray. I'm 42. All right. And I'm calling from Portland, Oregon. Okay. And what the hell is going on? Macy? Pretty cool setup though. Yeah. Right into it. Yeah. Same. There's like a little bit of a setup. So like I hit you guys up. I emailed your podcast a month ago when the first event happened. So yeah,

I have not had sex since before COVID until last month. And I hooked up with a dude that I've been friends with for like a while, like 12 years. And it was really great, like upper echelon sex. And he has really bad breath. But the sex was great. And it's like a bummer. Okay. So quick question.

No sex pre-COVID until last month? Yeah. How come? Yeah, what happened? No cum.

What? Well, we didn't say no cum. Well, for a while, no cum. You can't do it alone? I don't. Sure. I will not. Everything about you screams chronic masturbation. I'm nocturnal emissions only. He's got a tight collar on the t-shirt. You got the loose collar t-shirt. You look like you jacked off your car on the way here. A guy who weighs his cat...

Masturbates. It's for science, I imagine. Thank you. Trying to get him into a summer camp. Why did we take a three-year break from a...

The sex. Four. Four year break from the sex. Four year. Because I, you know, therapy. I'm doing that psilocybin therapy and like working on myself. Nice. Good for you. For the layperson, mushrooms. Magic. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So you decided to spend a little time, go inward and fix.

Fix the queen of the castle before you bring a king in with you. Yeah Drawbridge down and I was someone you said like hold on exactly right and so you said hold on and then this guy Let's give him a name Macy gray. What are we calling him? So Axel you've been friends with for a while and

Yeah. Now, is Axel somebody who could be the king of that castle or is he just like a funny jester? You just bring it and say, like, entertain my parts, boy. I feel like he was a jester. And then you're like, you might be king potential. You tell us, Macy. Is that right?

Well, here's the thing. He might be moving up like the court ranks or however that works. Because of how he performed horizontal? No, it's like it's all the in between. And so like, here's the development. Your producers hit me up last night. He is literally in JFK on his way here so we can hang out this weekend.

Okay. Where did you guys meet? If he's a JFK, you're in Portland. Good question. I used to live in Brooklyn. Okay. So he's in JFK right now, pounding onions and garlic, getting ready to hop on a plane to come see you. But before, before we get to the pitches, which might be easy on this one, I'm not going to lie. When you had the sex with, uh, this with Axel,

And it was good. Where are you at, Macy? Are you thinking he might come here and this might be the beginning of a beautiful story? Or are you thinking I'm looking for three fun days and then we'll see while he flies to the other side of the country? What are the stakes of this fucking weekend?

Pretty high. It's like, so we're both doing dry January. Great. And so I feel like I'm going to notice his breath more. I mean, we're going to be high, but like, it's not, it's not like the margins you're working that I love Macy. Yeah. We'll be high as fuck. What does his breath smell like? I feel like, honestly, it might be like a tooth.

Like a dentistry issue. Interesting. And so the last, the time that we hooked up last month, I have, I'm a classy lady and I have like individually wrapped toothbrushes in case I have guests. So you've had those for five years now. How dusty are those things? They're called fuck brushes. Let's call them what they are. But if you're not fucking for four years, they're just collecting dust brushes. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. You're not, you're the dentist is like, do you want the to-go package? You're like, I'm good. Or a guy comes over, you have a one night stand and he goes, is this a toothbrush from the nineties? I didn't know they made them like this anymore. Yeah. Was this a Barney toothbrush? And so you've got, you've got the stuff, you've got the toothbrush, but if we're talking about like a deep decay, a mint's not going to help that game. Well, I don't know what to do. And he's so sweet and I don't want to like, I don't, I don't know how to navigate that. All right.

Well, it's not easy. Yeah, agreed. And when you were fucking, was it the most noticeable? No. No, it's just a constant. Gareth, there's positions to the game. You gotta go face to face if you're doing it right, like the Bible said! There better be a baby on the way, Macy! Sinners. Um...

I think you, well, John, what do you think? Have you ever been in any position like this? Yes, and this is going to go back to my last answer. You're going to notice something about me. It's Barry. It's, well, I was in a relationship with a girl for two years who did not brush her teeth at night. Never brought it up, never said anything, just grinned and bared it. Now, I know that's not the kind of advice we're giving out,

My first thing was, like, have mints on hand, pineapples, mangoes, and just stuff that motherfucker with a whole bra. Hold on, hold on. John, John, you started with such a normal thing. Mints. You said mints or pineapples and mangoes? Mints, pineapple, and mango. If I'm in bed with a woman and she goes...

You want a mint or a full pineapple? I'm going to go, what the fuck is going on? Would you like a mint or a kiwi? You keep the dried pineapples. That's an expert level answer. Oh, I understand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's going to give you a good taste in all kinds of things. You're talking about the Trader Joe packs, like the rehydrate. I was going to give him the toots. Don't get me wrong on that. Well, let's fix one mouth at a time. So you're just basically saying cover the tracks of the stink with anything we can. Just keep feeding it. Carpenter.

OK, Garth, where are you at? I think it's something. Well, look, I think you have two strategies. If you think this is like king material, I think we're you know, we're eventually going to have to set up a couple's dental appointment and we're going to need to work on that. I think John's zone is right for right now. So this is what I would do.

I would suggest getting a dinner that you know is going to be malodorous. And you eat the dinner together, and then after, when you're about to make the move to the bedroom, you suggest you both have a major dental cleanup because you don't want to have stinky breath when you go into this. So you eat, like, let's say a fucking curry, okay? Probably not the best one for coitus. But you eat, like, a curry, okay? And then you go, after the curry, you go...

Boy, my breath's on fire. I don't want to kiss you with it. I think we both should go do a major cleanup on the mouth before we move to the bedroom. So that way you both do it and hopefully you're... Yeah, it's all crafty. Get in like that. And that's going to let you know too whether you are working with a dental issue. Yeah. That didn't clean it up. But enough mouthwash will help anything. It'll at least cover it. And that way if it stinks, you can say, ooh, you still have curry breath. So I'm not against this at all. You know, I think we're actually giving you some pretty solid stuff here. I will say...

And I was different. The reason that John talked about the previous call was the last call was about catching a grandpa masturbating. Do you hold in there? And I fundamentally see this one differently. I would say this one. John is just a series of dark issues in a man. And it's you got me fast. Yeah.

Again. I know you. I am you. Bill Murray, Rushmore. And both those kids were a little redheaded? Yeah, we are them. You guys are what happened when they quit wrestling. Yeah, not good. I still try and wrestle all the time now. Faces for radio. Sadly, all of us. So here's where I would go on this one.

And you might have to, you might have to take one bullet to win the war here. He gets off the plane. You'll have fun. You are excited to see him go back to your place. Fuck like crazy.

Don't worry about the breath. Have fun. Deal with it. Figure out positions where you're not close to the mouth, but enjoy it so that afterwards when you're smoking that big joint, you could go like, well, God damn, are you good at that? And he could go, you too. And you go, this thing really works. You're in that great zone of connection and friendship. And then you could say, I love to say I like everything about you, but there is one thing that I would like to chat about.

And he would say, what? And I would go, you don't have the best breath of anyone I've ever been with, but there's so much other stuff that's so great. Maybe you can help me fix this issue because I got to say, you in the bedroom, I'm looking at a 10 out of 10. You smelling that breath, we're looking at a three out of 10, my king. And what he might say is,

You like my personality. You like my body. You like me in the sack. You like everything. There's just an issue of a smell of my breath. Well, let me let me go to the bathroom and take 10 minutes with Lister and see how that fixes it. And it could became a game between you two where he goes like, check this and you can go, we're not there yet.

And then he goes, give me, you know, it might be something he needs to eat food. He might have something rotten inside of him. So I would bring it up post sex in a fun way and let him be part of this. You're asking a lot to go from plane to bang. If this guy already has bad breath and then we're going to air incubate for five hours. Yeah.

I mean, it's going to be a run. But I'm not against what you're saying. But also, like, I don't hate the mints. I don't hate the pineapples. Give them a snack. There's also, there's going to be a lot of getting high this weekend. Yes. Get them high. Little dental inspection while he's out. Oh, you're talking about the vet. Knock him out. Take him to the vet. See if they can yank him. Yeah, find out where that dead tooth is.

Open the fridge. Yeah. Bang, toothed out. Yeah, yeah. Cast away. A little extraction yourself. Get a figure skate and bang it out of his mouth in your home. I'm going to say 100%. Let's not drug him and take him to an animal doctor. Have you considered abuse? Here's what I like about John's pitches. They're either you bury it or you're knocking someone out. Yeah.

So emotionally bury it, physically drug them and hurt them. I think to Jake's pitch, what you have nice right now is you have the weekend. Agreed. So even if there's a little bit of tension, you're kind of locked into this. So I think you could go either way. If you want to...

get the pre-bang breath worked on, I would maybe get a bite to eat on the way back home and then you can say, let's freshen up. And you can also, yeah, you could say the thing, you also keep this in mind, Macy, you're on house money, right? So you went four years with no sex. So house money, if you're not a gambler, if anyone's not a gambler,

It basically means you go in with your $200 to gamble. You play for a long time. You've taken, you've won enough. You take your 200, you put it in your pocket, but you still got 500 bucks to play with. Yeah. It's like what the Packers have. So you, you go into the hotel room, but you still have money. So you want to play. And here's why I say you're on house money. You didn't fuck for four years. You are having fun with him. He also lives across the country. Yeah. It might not work for a lot of reasons. You're also in an inward search.

So I would use the house money and play with the idea of what does open communication look like with a partner? It's true. And if it goes sideways, he goes, man, you really killed my vibe by saying I have shit breath. And you go, you killed my flowers. Yeah. And you go like, look, I'm working on it. I handled that wrong, but I'm trying to figure out how to do this. I had a bang demic. And as a guy, if someone said that to me and said, you know, I'm taking mushrooms, I'm going to therapy. I'm trying, I'm sorry. I handled it wrong. I don't go.

let me brush a bunch all weekend, smoke some joints, and let's have some sex. I'm not mad at you. I think he's right. I love the other options, but I think that's right. I mean, worst case scenario, you say, I'm not tactful. Yes, exactly. But worst case scenario, you say, like, your breast stinks, man. Yeah, sorry. So here's where we're at. We're in the barriot. We're in the mince or pineapple, which should be by the bed no matter what. Yep, a big bowl of pineapple. We're at the do a dual dental appointment.

We're into the go to a big dinner beforehand, eat something like curry and then put it on yourself. Say I'm insecure about the smell of my breath. You should be too. Here's a toothbrush. Uh,

John's pitch was drug him and take him to an animal doctor. And lastly, it's post sex. Have a very honest conversation. Admit that it's hard for you to have this talk, but say you would love to. It's not hard to have the talk because he's speaking near you. Yes, but it's hard to have the emotion. So, Macy, where are you at? What are you going to do? Good luck this weekend and walk us through the ending.

So I think I'm going to do like a little sprinkle of some of them. I mean, outside of the vet and the dentist. I have my fingers crossed for that one. Yeah, okay. Keep going. Sorry, you lose. But I already have mango and pineapple. Thank you. And I have that everywhere. Thank you. And I feel like I can...

It means she's got pineapples in every room and every corner and hanging from the lights. Thank you. I have a mango tree in my dining room. Thank you. It means she's got a basement full of mango stacked on top of each other. Thank you. It means her toilet is full of pineapple water. Thank you. Okay, so you've already got those. Thank you. Okay, so I got that. But then I feel like it's going to just...

I don't know. Be organic. It might be a joke. I don't know. All bets are off. No, Macy. No, Macy. You're not going to therapy and taking mushrooms to finish with. I don't know what's going to happen when I'm stoned. You are taking the lead here, kid. No, I feel like I'm going to like...

probably crack a joke or something. A joke is a good start. Take, take that angle. I'm going to like, but what's the joke going to be like? Holy God, did your mouth fart? And he goes, huh? And you go, nevermind. Let's smoke a bowl. Hey, let's go drink from the toilet. And he goes,

What are you talking about? And he goes, because I'm going to drink from the toilet because I want to connect to you. And he goes, what are you talking about? Smells like your breath smells like shit. My breath does. I'm making a joke. You want to smoke a bowl? I'm getting turned around. I got a flexible flight. I can get out of here. What'd you do? Lick a dog's ass on your way here? Did I lick a dog's butt? No. And then she knocks him out and takes him to the vet. She's driving to the vet like, boy, John really knew what he was fucking talking about back there. So if that happens, don't follow up.

So you're thinking of lead out with a little bit of the joke, keep it light, and then go into a talk? Or are you thinking avoid the talk? I don't think I want to have a serious talk. I don't want to hurt his feelings. I just, I don't know. That's why it's so difficult to navigate. This is what I would do. Let's do this really fast. And I'm going to need your help on this pitch. Let's craft a few bad breath jokes that aren't too harsh.

but can break the ice in a way that you're telling somebody your breath stinks but i still like you okay because she's saying i'm not doing the talk she's got a bunch of mangoes thank you she's got mints thank you uh she's not going to the dentist appointment she's not doing that so what i'm afraid of because what she's saying is i'm just gonna smoke pot and make jokes

Could be trouble with air, yes? Yes. Thank you. So maybe, Macy, do you want help crafting maybe a zone of jokes or is that problematic? Yeah.

No. Do it. Here you go. After coitus, you guys are sitting there. He's talking and you say, boy, I don't remember you going down on my butt, but your breath sure does. And then I'll tell you what, he will laugh and he'll go, does my breath stink? And you go like this, does my ass stink?

And he'll go, a little. And you go, same. He goes, it doesn't stink, but it does smell like ass. And you go, what's weird is so does your mouth. And then you go, honest to God, I love you, but you mind brushing my ass out of your mouth? Yeah. That's the other thing you could say. If you want a glass of water, you could just ask me. You don't have to drink from the toilet. Yeah.

By the way, both of those are big wins because then he's laughing. And then the next day you could also say in the morning where he's like, you got some coffee? You go, what did I tell you about drinking out of the toilet? Yeah. And he goes, what do you mean? You go, I swear to God, I'm asking you not to drink toilet water because it smells like shit. You can also get up at one point and go, hey, I'm going to go outside real quick and grab some dog shit for you to chew to freshen your mouth up. Yeah.

So, Macy, any of those jokes working for you? Because I think those are three home runs. I think you knocked them out of the park. All of them. I wrote them down, actually. Those are great. It's a whole weekend. Yeah, you need some. That's a starting point. Macy, we appreciate the call. John, thanks for joining us. Thank you, John. And why don't you guys listen to KFC Radio this weekend while you're smoking joints and you're going to have a lot of fun. Yeah, you will.

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Hello. Hi, welcome back to the show. I want to start by saying this is a follow-up. Gareth and I do not know who you are. Kevin did all the setup, so could you please remind us and the audience of your first call? Yes, so this is Macy Gray, and I was calling about Great Sex, Bad Breast with... In Portland. ...Axel Rose.

Great sex, bad breath. The weekend you had... Yes! So you basically had the predicament where there was a gentleman who you'd met. He was flying in for the weekend when we took the call, and the problem was there was bad breath, and we were sort of like...

How do we solve this unsolvable problem? So, Macy, can you walk us through what the hell happened that weekend? Where are we at? Well, I mean, you asked where he's at in the court rankings, like the royal court rankings. Is he a court jester or...

He's like moving up to king status. Oh, wow. He's a king with bad breath. Well, here's the thing. I didn't even have to say anything. He was popping Listerine breath strips. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, so you didn't... Wait, first of all, all hail King Stank. So without you saying anything...

He knows he has someone else got to him. That's what I think. I mean, I have no idea, but I definitely wasn't going to say anything about it after that. Were you prepared to pull the trigger on some of the stuff we talked about? I wrote down the joke. Do you have any of the jokes in front of you? I know we were pitching. No, there isn't.

I threw him away, but it was definitely going down. I didn't know you went down on my butt. Yeah, Gareth was on the call. That's correct. It was Gareth. For a moment, I was like, you threw it out. And then I heard what I pitched, and I'm like, that's a lot of garbage. Throw it out. Okay, so he somehow had gotten the memo from someone else. So he had good breath the whole weekend?

He had a good breath the whole weekend. I have since been back out to New York and something like shifted. And now we're like, we like profess love. He doesn't want to tell our friend group that lives in New York because his ex is part of our friend group. So there's different, the bad breath was not the drama. The drama is happening now.

And what's the drama now? The ex walker. He doesn't, he doesn't want to tell anybody because his ex wife is part of our friend group. And that bummed me out. Macy. I don't love that. I don't love it. You want to be Miss Tareen.

That's tough. That's tough. So his ex-wife is in the group of friends, so he wants to keep – you said he is the king in your court, but for you, you might be the lady on the other side of the moat in some little hut that the prince disappears to and goes like, I've got to run it out in my –

Put the drawbridge down. I'm going to go pick some apples. And then the queen goes, why is your breath so minty? And he goes, never mind. Don't worry about that. Can't a fellow take care of some halitosis in peace? And you're going like this in your hut. You're like this. Okay, if his breath is bad, say, I don't remember you eating my butt. Yeah.

Macy, we might have led you down the wrong path. So basically now the new issue is you want to kind of be recognized for what you are. Garf, we might be putting an issue in Macy's mouth. Is there an issue, Macy? Yes, a little bit. Definitely. I'm not like PDA, but he was actively sitting the

the farthest seat away when we went out to hang out with our friends. So you're having a secret relationship in the friend group. Yeah. And that, that doesn't feel right. Question. Does he have kids with his ex? No.

How long would you say you two have felt like a couple? It's not, but it isn't like a couple thing. It's just like the feeling shifted and we have to acknowledge that. But we've known each other for 12 years. But you have both told each other, you said, these feelings are pretty real.

Yeah. Just like that too. And then how long? That's because you guys both know romance. I wish you could have seen Jake's face when he said that. He was so, I think it's the sweetest I've seen him. These feelings are pretty real. That's what I call the old panty dropper, Gareth. When I say that, the panties drop. Pull him back up. Pull him back up. So, but okay. So Macy, how long was he with his ex? I think you said that, but just to be clear. I,

I, you know, I don't know. I probably like five or six years. Okay. Look, this is what I would say. Before they got married. Here's the thing. Before they got married, he said he wanted to date me. And I said some bullshit like,

You stink. You don't like me, you just like the idea of me. What a great line from a 90s rom-com. You are a movie preview. And you were fucking ripping a Parliament light cigarette and wearing a leather jacket. Yeah, while he was eating some fertilizer. And he was like...

But after you said it, he went like, holy shit, dude, she's deep. I do just like the idea of her. And then he goes, I mean, I also think she's really hot, but I guess it's the idea of her being really hot. He stressed me out so much, I'm smoking cloves again. And he got cool. So he said, you said you just like the idea of me. And he went like, ooh, and fell into a marriage with somebody for five years. Yes, exactly. And now he's fallen back.

Into the Macy territory. What would you say, Jake? Because this is what I would say. I would say I understand what you're feeling because it's kind of awkward. Agreed. But I think you got to give it a minute. It's, you know, you can't kind of rush someone to...

get comfortable with that situation. I think if we were talking about you guys have been together for like a year. Can I interrupt you for a second, Garth? I think you already did. So this sounds like Bob Seger wrote a song called We've Got Tonight. And the whole song is him singing to the audience. Don't worry about anything. I'm on the road. We're both lonely. Let's have sexual intercourse tonight. He was directly singing to the audience. This is Gareth singing right now, singing to all the women who are going to listen.

Don't tell anybody. Give it time. I'll come around. I know you feel like the secret, but you're not. But you're not. We got tonight. Both of us lonely. So basically, I'm not Bobby Seeger. I'm more Jimmy Croce, right? So let me sing a different tune. I got the hair. If I let it go, it gets curly and I have a born mustache. So let me give you this. He's in New York. You're in Portland, right? Right. So what are we talking about? You're only secret in New York, right?

And how often are you in New York? Well, I'm moving to New York. Oh, you are? I'm moving back to New York. Okay. So then how about this? Are you moving to be with him or are you just moving? No, I'm just moving. Okay. So when you move and you've landed, I think that's the time to say, if we're really doing this, we can't be pretending like we don't know each other. But for now, while you're still in Portland and he's New York, I would say let's do the Gareth and give it a little bit of time. What do you think of that, Macy? I

I think that is what I was leaning towards anyways. I got a lot of work to do and I got to get out there first. Yeah, it's a move. Then you got to realize, do you want to have a boyfriend once you land in the Big Apple? No. I mean, you got decisions too. Do you want to date a guy whose breath smells like he ate your butt before he kissed you? These are thoughts. These are the real thoughts. Yeah.

What you've got to say to him is, right, we've got tonight. Who needs tomorrow? Let's make it last. Let's find a way. Turn out the light. Come take my hand now. We've got tonight, babe.

Why don't you say, stay, say, whatever. That could have gone better. Thank you. Macy, I think Jake's right. I think we're all kind of saying the same thing. Even you, you know, don't push it. If it's meant to be, it'll be meant to be. And if it goes away, remember that without a mint,

His breath smells like ass. Yes. That is an easy thing when you look back and go, I'm kind of getting over him in a hurry. Every morning when you wake up in the morning, he's got fucking butt mouth. Yeah. That's disgusting, dude. And you know it. You know it.

So that's all you have to think about. We've had people call in and have like projects. We had a woman who was with a guy and he sat on her bed and he left a skid mark of dump on her sheet and she still wanted to date him. It was,

who broke up with her so you have a guy right now who wants to keep you a secret and he literally has ass breath so if it goes sideways macy i promise you there's other fish in the sea whose breath might be a tad better speaking of fish in the sea uh that's what he still smells like i would also say is there a better commercial for these listerine strips

I mean, talk about a turnaround. Macy, our advice to you. First of all, thank you for calling back and remembering what a joy it is to chat with you. Second.

Just get to New York first and see what happens, then follow up with us, and we'll walk you through what you do with butt breath then. Yeah, that's right. And remember, on behalf of the show, if you've got breath that smells like a latrine, solve that problem with Listerine. Yay. Thank you. Big finish. Thank you guys so much. Thanks, Macy. Bye-bye.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKean. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at HelpfulPod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.