68: You Can’t Play Chicken with a GOAT (with Rainn Wilson)
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And we are back!

back with a really special episode great yes what a great guest very excited yes fit right in fit right in i've been a fan of his and i'm sure you have yeah for a long time absolutely mr rain wilson joins the pod he as you'll see he just comes in and he crushes it yep and uh

He has a podcast that will be out tomorrow called Soul Boom. You know, I mean, we talked to him for a while after. Why don't we do this? Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to just cut to Rainn Wilson explaining his pod. Rainn? I got a new podcast dropping in April 9th. Soul Boom, the podcast. It's deep, meaningful, probing human discussions about

life, messy human experience, psychology, spirituality. And I hope that you guys will listen. Well, so if you like what you heard, check out

Soul Boom tomorrow. Yep. April 9th. April 9th. And I think that's it. Yeah. So really, he's awesome. So enjoy this episode a lot because we really enjoyed doing it. And we have a Patreon. Check it out. And there's a really fun story that Gareth is going to drop on there. Yeah. About American Airlines and how I'm done with them and I hate them. Enjoy the show. They have further ado.

Are you there, caller? I'm here. Can you hear me? Yeah, you sure can. Welcome to We're Here to Help, America's number one podcast. Don't look it up. You, let me tell you something.

We haven't done a call together in a minute, but boy, are we jumping to the deep end. Because you not only have Jake the Snake Johnson, Gareth Reynolds, you have our very special guest. You know him. You love him. Rainn Wilson is in studio with us today. Hey. And we couldn't be more excited. Thanks, guys. I'm so excited. Yes. Appreciate you being here. I can't wait. I'm in love with jumping right into the call. Yeah. There's few, there's no warm-up swings. It's just right up to the plate. This better be good. It better be good. Caller, what's your name? There we go.

Hi, I'm Adrienne. Hi, Adrienne. Okay, and can we get your age roughly and where you're calling from? Yeah, I'm 41 and I'm in San Diego. Oh, nice. Okay, great city.

I love San Diego. There we go. Jake? Have you been to Balboa Park? It's incredible. Yeah, I have been to Balboa. Yeah, it's the size of Manhattan. It's got like 57 museums. It's great. I have avoided the museums personally. Okay, Adrienne, what the hell is going on? What can we help you with? So I dated a man for four years and then recently discovered online that he'd been cheating on me. So I confronted him and I ended it.

but when I told my family and friends about it, they felt really sad and it was kind of embarrassing. So they dug a little deeper and then we discovered online that he had been cheating, but that I was the other woman. Like he had a girlfriend the whole time. Oh shit. You're the cheater. That's like a black mirror. That's a good twist. Yeah.

You were dating a guy. Let's give him a name. Scotty. Scotty's great. Okay, so you were dating Scotty for four years, and then you found out that Scotty had a girlfriend. Your parents dug deeper, and you're the other woman? How do you discover who's Scotty? Scotty's girlfriend existed a year or two before you was his wife? I think just a few months. The timeline is a little hazy, but.

definitely predated me. So he was double dipping, but you were the second. But the reason you're the mistress is the other one was first. Also, what a great reveal for your parents to have to give you. Isn't that nice? Yeah. Just be like, by the way. So when they're been coming to like holidays, I mean, it wasn't just parents. It's like cousins, aunts, uncles, all of my friends. Four years is real. Oh, yeah. So your whole family stalked him online? How does that work? Good question. Yeah.

Your cousins, your aunts and uncles. My nephews, my parents, my grandparents actually found a secret Facebook account. He's a real cheater. Look, look at him. I found his private Instagram. He's got two profiles, darling.

Yeah, how did your family get to stalking? I was so silly to trust him. Can I hire your family to do some sleuthing? If you can do catfish with your family. If this turns into a weird segment that Adrian's family becomes private investigators. That's a TV show. It's a TV show. You're not the producer. No, hold on. Wait. Damn it. So you got cut out. I really got iced out just because you two do better than me. We'll get Andrew Santino. He's great. Oh, he's so funny. No.

Damn it. He's so edgy. He's got the right amount of bites. Edgy ginger. Jesus Christ. Edgy ginger. By the way, that's a bakery. And a cool podcast. Edgy ginger? I mean, you get three edgy gingers doing a pod. Oh, my God. Boom. Slam dunk. Rocker Money would be knocking out wallpapers.

Oh, wow. Edgy ginger. Betterhelp.com. Okay. All right, Adrian. Anyway, you're here on edgy ginger. So, okay. So, so your family sleuths, you realize you're the technically the other woman. Keep going. So now that I'm out of the picture, cause I wanted nothing to do with all that drama. Obviously we see that they're living together and we're,

he's a real estate agent and so is she. So they're always posting like open houses that they're hosting together. Um, like in my neighborhood, very close to me. You could see him so easily show up, show up naked. Oh yeah. Well,

I've seen that part. It's like you're in my brain. So I want to go to one. You do. I feel like there's an opportunity for me to change the narrative from like, I got played and it was very embarrassing into like a funny story to like end this chapter of my life. Like, show up, do something and then vanish. I feel like it would give me closure and it would just be really funny. So when we talk about it, he's not Scotty the loser. He's like, Scotty, that guy we played that funny joke on, I guess.

Does she know that Scotty was seeing you also for four years? No, she does not know about me. Adrian, we can go two directions here. We can go sitcom. Guess where my mind has already gone. And the sitcom version is you go with like...

some unthinkable like hunky Latina guy and he's like oh I just moved here like now we are going to buy together I will bang you on the island in the kitchen and everything in front of him he's like spinning you and kissing you and says like the best love I've ever made was to you the other thing which is a well hold on there's another there's another sitcom version which is she goes in disguise

I don't know if there's like a reveal, but she dresses like a grandmother, like in a gray wig. You mean in disguise so Scotty doesn't even know. So Scotty doesn't even know. See, my sitcom one is Scotty knows, and she just slowly twists the knife while he sits there stressed the fuck out as to whether or not the other shoe is going to drop. That's not a sitcom, though. That's what I was going to say. That's the indie drama. Have you guys ever watched Edgy Ginger?

That's the sort of stories we have on that show. That's on YouTube, yes? No, it got picked up to Hulu. It's on Roku. No, it's not. It's not Roku. No, no, no. Roku passed. We never even stopped it. I think Edgy Ginger is on PlayStation 5. They're still making it. No, no. It's just because it's not an eight-minute haunt. But so, Adrian, you've got, in terms of the show you want to make, because this idea of you going to an open house

and rubbing shit in his face. Or right now we're in the pitch phase, everybody. And we made it very clear we are not responsible for what happens after. There's also a world where, girl code, you let her know what's going on. Do you get a lot of these calls? I wonder because I hear this a lot in advice columns. Like, I was cheated on and found out he was also cheating, serial cheating, blah, blah, blah. Should I tell him? Do you have it? Not a lot.

Like I put too much deodorant on and I like that my arms are slippery. And we go like, now this is a good call. Another bowling team has our name. What's our new one? But I think that this is an age old moral question. Like if the girl is, if he's a cheater, do I let the girl know or do I just step away? So to you, Ray, for a second. Yeah. True question. If you were her in this spot, what's your gut instinct? All right. First of all, are you going to tell her?

The other woman, do you want to do a bit? Where would you be? I don't, I don't think Adrian, I don't think it ends well with you going to some open house. I don't see a storyline where it's like, yes, I got it. Slam dunk. I'm changing the narrative by showing up at an open house. I,

frankly that's just me it sounds fun I'd love to if you're gonna do it can we film it cause I would love to I would love to be there but by the way Adrian I'm not I'm not with Rain on that yet in terms of the this might not be a good idea it still might be a good idea but I wanna see what he's cooking with um

but, but part two is, is simply like, just let her know, you know, uh, just like in a letter, your family, just your nine year old nephew. Yeah. Let your uncle stand. He,

Me too times you. By the way, I said nine. I don't know. What are kids? What's a kid? So a nine-year-old, and Gareth goes, me too times you, and poopy and baby. Baba goop. Oh, that's so edgy ginger. It really is. We'll be right back. Edgy ginger bitches a kid. He's 15. He's a 21-year-old guy. He still lives at home. He's like, hey, my da-da brown. You know what I mean? He's one of those baby boys. Hey.

Hey, little baby boy. We'll be right back. But I would, yeah, I would just write her and say, hey, I just want you to know that I was seeing him for four years while he was seeing you. He's still seeing you. You may not know about me. Just so you know who you're dealing with. Have a nice life. Peace. But by the way, Adrian, that is a bomb drop. Because you changing the narrative.

You drop the bomb and let her know for four years he was also made. This is changing the narrative. Well, you kind of alluded to the idea a little bit that you want to turn. You want to kind of take the power back in the sense that you want to make this a story.

Right. So I'm not trying to get revenge. I respect you're happy. That's fine. I just I don't want my story to be like how embarrassing. And that was the end of four years. Like, well, this makes sense. You sort of said you want to go to the do you want to go to the open house and pull some shenanigans? Is that kind of what you're looking for?

Yes, but I wasn't looking to, like, cause a scene or, like, ruin their business or make her upset. Talk us through how that looks to you. What would go down? Paint us the picture. Like, the first idea was...

All of the family stalkers would walk in like spaced out a few minutes apart, but not acknowledge that we know him just to make him sweat. Kind of like you were saying, like just to make him very uncomfortable, but play it off like we're just looking at the house and we don't know him. Okay. But that felt kind of weird, boring.

boring and normal yeah and weird but also weird energy weird energy when like the third cousin comes in and he's like yeah hey hey and then he's like are you guys all looking for house the answer is no he's like 35 and he's like what is this a big home i don't know how to live inside a whiz okay so the first idea is one by one family comes in and just weirds everybody out uh what's another kind of thought you had adrian because by the way i do think you're going in a gold mine here

And I think I think there's a win in this. I think it's a really delicate game, though. Yes, because I think rain is right. Yes. You called the right place. The nerves before you pull it off. Yes. We're going to be. But what are you? But you can't fuck this up.

And she's saying she doesn't she's not doing it to blow up his spot. So this isn't going to be the ending. And oh, yeah, bitch, I was there to mic drop. You don't want that. You just want to go in between you and Scotty. He's really uncomfortable. You leave, get in the car and laugh your ass off. Yeah.

Exactly. Because he feels like he got away with something, which obviously he did. I kind of want him to know, like, you didn't get me. And that was just a chapter, but the new chapter started, weirdo. Jake, that is some terrible advice. That is the worst advice. You are asking innocent San Diego Adrian to walk into a mine shaft. She's going to go in and just, like, go.

gloat a little bit and Scott is there and you know what I'm doing right Bruna Hilda is the girlfriend but here's why here's why I'm saying it but this is what Adrian's wanted we're here to help Adrian so if she called in and goes I got dumped I don't know what to do I'd go I don't know call somebody else I'm just 41 go ahead my poop is my diaper my nanny's mean to me but she's saying

They're real estate agents. I want to go and fuck with him. Well, I think if you think about him, if you think about like if you were wrong, if you were him, it is not great. But if you were him and she walked in, I mean, merely walking in, I would make you be like, what the fuck? So right there, you're kind of turning the heat up a little bit. And then after that, it depends how much you really want to like kind of play with your kill. Adrian, I got to ask you a question because play with your kill is interesting. And that leads me to this.

Here's my fear for you. If you're going in and the game is turning up the heat to make him uncomfortable, and we create some character for you of like a billionaire. It's good to range here because all I'm going to go is, that's great. You're a billionaire. You got a pinky ring. Just go with me on this. If you're going in and he can't say,

Adrian, what are you doing? So you walk in and you're like, this place is great. It could work wonderful in my portfolio. What else do you have? So that his wife or his girlfriend is looking at him like, we got a real money bag. So we could play a version of this, but we have to know 100% she doesn't know about you. Because if they've had a talk...

And he said, I did cheat. Oh, it's Adrian. And he goes like, yes. And I broke up with her because I'm more in love with you. And then you walk in and you go like, hello. Make her round her neck. My name is Melinda blah, blah. And they both go, you're a maniac. No wonder you broke up with her. This is a really weird one. She's insane. And-

She's walking on board. This would look lovely in my portfolio. I might buy this and this and this. This would be great for my Picasso. It would be really good to walk right in and say, I love it. I want to make an offer. Have a suitcase filled with cash. Slam it on the kitchen table. That's very tastefully appointed. Open it up. See what happens. I don't know if that's an earnest advice, but on this show, that's great. So, Adrian, do we know for sure, as sure as you know,

Do you think she knows you? She doesn't know you. She does not know me. She does not know I exist. Okay. So then here's what I recommend you do. I'm going to start building a thing here. I think you reach out to her professionally and you say, let's give her a name. Broomhilda, right? Yeah. So here's what I would do. I would reach out to her and I would start talking about your interest level on not only that property, but multiple properties.

And start building the thing of you are a very serious buyer so that she says to Scotty, I got a big fish on the hook.

And you're building up to this big day where you are going to see the place with your family. A bunch of you are moving to town. You might want to buy multiple places around. You would like both of them there. You want to buy a compound. You want to buy a car. You're looking to purchase. Has to be cash. And the day of she's there waiting for you with Scotty and your whole family shows up.

Okay. Oh, my gosh. Now, Adrienne, where are you at with this? This could be a mistake. I could do that. That's possible. Rain had something. Don't do it, Adrienne. Adrienne, listen to me.

Listen to me right now. Adrian, are you listening? Yeah, I'm listening. Walk away. Hang up the phone, Adrian. Walk away from Scotty. Walk away from all this toxic nonsense. Walk away from the world of real estate and go do you live your best life. Listen to me. Listen to me. Don't listen to him. Okay. Do this. Listen to me. He's on one shoulder. He's an angel. He's right. Adrian, no. Do it. Do it. Do it. You got to have fun. Don't you want to have fun, Adrian? Don't listen to him. Listen to me. Listen to me.

me listen to me listen to me we're gonna let it go

Let it go. Let it go. Wow. I wanted more. Okay. I think great. Really, devil and angel. I think, obviously, I think Rain's advice is very sound. Sound. Would be what any friend would say. But no fun. But the problem is. We're going to end up somewhere. Here's the problem. We want the best advice. But I think that's great advice. Because I think at the end of the day. Agreed. Look.

Look, I mean, what are you really going to get out of it? But here's what I'd pitch for the fun version. Yes, I would. I would show up just as you.

I mean, you don't know who you are. You don't need to do a big character. I think what you could I mean, he's going to fucking lose. He's going to be sweating once he sees you there. And there probably will be other people if you show up to an open house. So it could be a couple hours. And what I would do is I would just really like engage them and just be talking to them and talk about how important it is to you that you only have one property. Because when you lock in on a place that commitment.

It's so important. And the idea of playing multiple properties is kind of dangerous. And you don't want to get your hand in a cookie jar. Like lots of stuff like that. Just little insinuations. And also how much respect you have from them as real estate agents because of their honesty. Yeah. And how you need, if you're going to get into this. Integrity. Integrity matters. And go, everything I see about you guys, I see integrity. I see honesty.

I see the kind of guy who wouldn't lie. And I think the more that you keep it in that zone, maybe the safest it is as far as you feeling embarrassed or anything, because if you are kind of just being like you, and you could come up with a number of ways to kind of just twist the knife, but he will...

At some point, realize you're maybe just there to torture him. He'll die. And I think that there's like least collateral damage coming your way. What you could get to in that, which is you're pushing him in a corner where he's going to have to react. I think Rain's advice of be careful here is that reaction might be really ugly. And that reaction might be real. This is a scary move. But, Adrian, if you pull it off,

And I would try to make sure it's at a busy time when you're doing this where there's a lot of other customers. If you go and it's empty, take Rain's advice, turn the fuck around. But if it's like peak time- And she's got to be there too. She's got to be there. Yes, 100%. But if you can get them and have other customers around and you go on a little speech about one property, the value of it, integrity, and then at a certain point go like, well, Scotty, you're a real estate agent. What do you think of all this? And have them go to you.

I think, you know, I would if I were to do my life over, I would have bought one property. I actually had two properties at one point. I never felt like I was servicing the one properly. And I didn't even I didn't even tell my family I had to. There's a way he could apologize while using the property stuff. Yeah. Or not. Whatever you do, this could be a win. Adrian.

What are you thinking about this? Are we anywhere near a zone you like? Yes. That zone feels way more comfortable than like pretending to be someone that I'm not. Cause I'm really non-confrontational anyway. Like he would be surprised for me to do this at all because usually I would take rain's advice. Like I'm done. I'm moving on. Like I wouldn't give it a second thought, but it just seemed like a funny thing, like an opportunity. And it's been eaten at you. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, a little bit. If you pull this off...

I am going to buy your life rights and turn it into a movie. I'm afraid Edgy Ginger Productions already is pitching to Roku. Well, we have a... Adrian, when this gets legal, don't go with Edgy Ginger. Just go with Reigns Company. What are you talking about? 100%. We both have done some great stuff in the television space. Okay, first pitch. Everybody's a baby, regardless of age. Pass. Everybody passes. All right. Well, that's... By the way, when I said first pitch... It's look who's talking for. Okay.

Oh my God. So that's the only pitch I had prepared to be quite honest. I don't know why I said first pitch. So Adrian...

You're thinking of playing this game where you're going to go in and try to get into a conversation about integrity, one property, and all of that. Is that what you're thinking? Yes, that feels really good. Do you want to practice? Yes. Would you like to be the husband, Rainn? Do you have any interest in being that? Me, Scotty? Scotty? Yeah, I'll be Scotty. Okay, and then obviously we know you're going to be...

What? Brunhilde. What's her name? Brunhilde. Brunhilde. So you're... Really? Yes. Oh, great. Okay. Okay, ready? So Adrian... You never saw the opera version of Bugs Bunny when he's like, oh, Brunhilde, you are so lovely. No. And that doesn't ring any bells? It rings bells now when you do the voice. Okay. Hey, Adrian, you just walked into the house. Okay. I think it's a great area over here, Scotty, where they can put a lot of their furniture. It can go in this room. What do you think?

Why is your voice so low? I'm still getting over that horrible, horrible cold. Brunhilde, you sound... Oh, that's better. Okay, now you sound... Thank you. Wow. Sorry that happened.

Yeah, I think that's great. I think that the presentation is great. Just bring some more cut flowers into the foyer. Hello. Welcome to the property. Oh, my. Hi. How are you? Scotty? Hold on. Scotty? Scotty, are you okay? Hold on. I've forgotten how to act. It's been a while. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

There's no premise. You have to hide it. Are you directing this? You have to hide it. Any notes over here? Oh, my God. It's a podcast. My ex, who I cheated on. People are listening. It's a podcast. It's an old radio show. Son of a bitch. You're right. It's an old... Oh. Oh. Oh. I'm conflicted. Yes. We should have a pair of shoes with some taps on it. I'm going to go over here for a moment. We should actually get a little box of sound. Radio play. Yeah.

So you're not walking. Stuffer's almost done. Yeah, you're walking into the shop. Oh, the door's open. Okay. All right. Back to Wanda. Adrian, you're taking over, right? She rode her horse to the open house? That's right. I thought it was an open horse. Edgy Ginger will be right back. All right, here we go, Adrian. You just walked in. You see Scotty. And Pernhilda. Okay.

Bless her. She's also there and important. Can't get rid of her. Just say action. Action. Oh, yeah. I think this whole space is going to be great for whoever pulls the trigger on this one, Scotty. It's a keeper. Absolutely. Yeah. You would know. You look amazing. You look unbelievable. I love this bow tie. I love your breasts. Thank you so much. Not right now. Oh, good. People are eating the pastries. Oh, look. A new person's come to the open house. Hi.

Hi, welcome. Thanks for coming. Hello. Hello? I'm Hilda. This is Scotty. Hi, I'm Adrienne. This is a lovely house. Adrienne, I love that name. Don't you love that name, Scooter?

Scotty. Scotty, sorry. Sometimes I call him Scooter and he doesn't like that. Yes, I do. I do very much. So if you have any questions, Scotty and I are both trying to sell the property. It's a three bedroom, two bath, two story. How do we get you to shut up? Is that a cut? I mean, my God.

I'm laying the foundation. Are you the guest or are you the caller? Scotty, a lot's going on inside of Scotty. Remember, the point is Adrian's going to practice. Soon we're going to hear about the bad. The upstairs has tile, but let me tell you about my tile. Someone has to lay the soil for the planters. The soil's not the novel. The soil is the... All right, here we go. Back to one? Yes. Okay.

I think that's so sad that your wife's a mute. I think this is no, please. I'm so sad that she got her tongue cut out in the war. Help yourself to some of the vegetables. Oh, Scotty. Well, look, someone else is coming in, Scotty. Oh, hi. Welcome. Oh, look at that mountain, that molding. Hi. Hello. Hi there. Having a giggle. We love to giggle. Shut up.

Did you hear that? Yeah. I'm also looking at the place. My name is Vinny. Hey, Vinny. Listen, we're dealing with this new person here. We talked to you earlier, Vinny, but our ears actually hurt from our discussion earlier about the Ottoman space.

So what's your name? I'm really interested in this house, except for that loud neighbor that just yelled. Sorry, that was me. I think Vinny's putting in an offer. I'm really looking forward to purchasing one property and spending some time like

making sure it's exactly how I want it. Okay. But then like I'd considered maybe owning two properties at one time, but it seems like it would be best if I focused my attention. Yeah. That's a conflict. Good choice. Yeah. And I was really happy to see how organized and beautiful this open house is. You clearly have a lot of integrity. And so I'm really looking forward to checking out the house and learning more about it. Look,

Look, are you interested or not? Are you going to make an offer or what? Sorry. I'm sorry. I just. Adrian, I got to say. Vinny? That was. Yeah, this is Vinny. I got to say. I'm in love with you. Jesus Christ. Vinny. Vinny. Meet Adrian. Vinny. Maybe you guys go in together. I got to tell you, I've also been dating that lady right there. What? No. You're dating Brunhilde? No.

Here's what I'll say, Adrian. Here's what I'll say. I actually thought you did a great job. Great job, Adrian. And I think if you do it like that, you're in kind of a money zone. Just have in the back of your head three responses for how it could go. Because if it goes sideways on you and he calls you out,

You this story can't end with you go. I did this premise. And then he said, like, what are you doing here? Like you were blank to me and then you get nervous and leave crying. So just play the scenario out so that, you know, you don't want to be a thing where three weeks you call us back in a month and you go, I did this thing, but now I want to go back again. You need the comebacks there. I would also say, you know, make sure you want to do it. And if you do, I would do the first encounter first.

Lay the foundation and then go do a walk around so he's shitting his pants for 15 minutes and then come back and kind of cap it. Yes, I think that's right. Okay. That's a good call. And you've got to update us. And are you going... Do you think you're going to actually do this? I feel very confident. It's been eating at me. So I'm really glad you guys called.

Well, you called us to be fair. The show is, the show is, we don't call people to find out if they have problems. You called us. Give her a break. I'm just, it's a lot of stress. Well, I just think in case this is someone's first episode, the premise is the opposite. So let's lay that down. Well,

We call random people around the United States and offer unasked for advice. You need our help. We call you a demand. Such a better premise of a podcast. Hello. Hey, how you doing? You've got Jake Johnson, Karen Reynolds, and our guest today. I got a rat. I got a rat in my house. Can I help you? I got a rat. Yeah, okay. All right, let us pitch on that. First of all, dress like cheese. Adrienne, let us know what happens, please. Thank you, Rainn. I will keep you updated. Thank you so much for your help. All right. Appreciate it. Okay.

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Hello. Hi there. Welcome to We're Here to Help. Can we get your name and your age and where you're calling from? Yeah, absolutely. My name's Julia. I'm 25 years old and I'm calling from London in the UK. Whoa, London. Well, I will say you've got a real special one. You know, Jake Johnson, host of the show, right?

Yes, absolutely. He's here. You know me, Gareth, not Andrew Santino. And we have a very special guest, a hell of a problem solver, I'll say, based on the previous track. A big start, big start. The great Rainn Wilson is joining us. So you have a three-hander of two killers and Gareth. So you said your name is Juliet? Two killers and Gareth. That's another broadcast. Two killers and Gareth. I'm on a word count. You're too open. I apologize.

Okay, Juliette, so why don't you tell us what's going on and we'll try to help you. Yeah, absolutely. So this is regarding my boss. And a little bit of context, I sit right next to her in this open plan office. And I have two main problems and one question.

Are you from America and you live in London? You've got a little bit of like a Madonna accent. You've got the Madonna. It's kind of like American, but I'm putting on a faux. Yeah. What's going on? Yeah. How authentic is this? Where'd you grow up? And is this the problem? Did you live there since you were like 13 or something? Because you're transatlantic right now. If it's under two years, it's fake.

I'm actually from France and Scotland, but I grew up abroad. I went to international schools. So that's vaguely international. I get it. It's kind of James Bond. Legit. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. OK. All right. So you have a boss you sit next to in an open plan office.

Yeah. Okay.

I don't think I need to explain where this is going. Wait, you're eating chocolate mousse? She's talking about diarrhea? Yeah. Is that pointed? Juliet, is this a made-up problem? Because this sounds...

I was scared you were going to think that it's made a problem, but genuinely. You were eating chocolate mousse and she was like, I took the runniest shit the other day. Yeah. She said liquid shit. She was like, oh yeah, you're probably wondering why I didn't come into the office yesterday. I was like, oh, I was scared I was going to have liquid shits on the tube. I'm like, I'm eating my chocolate mousse. By the way, and this is a side thing, we're not going to spend a lot of time on it.

Her backstory is where all my accents come from. No, don't drag her down to your level. I always get made fun of for being bad at accents. Because you're bad at it. But I went to international school. No, you didn't. No, you're from Chicago. You're a weird guy from Chicago. No, I'm Australian. No, you're not. For example, check this out, Ryan. No, don't. I'm from Down Under and I love England.

Now you're going, where's that guy from? Where's he from? I went to international school. Oh, by the way, this call might only exist for you to do that. Everywhere you could think of, I lived. And that's why my accent is everything. Oh, I get that. No, you should not. And nobody should. And so, Julia, you had two problems and one question. Keep going. Yes. So my second problem is that she doesn't work.

She watches shows all day, which honestly I wouldn't have any problem with. What line of work is this? What are you guys doing in that open plan office? So it's a property management company based in central London around Oxford Circus. And she's the head of health and safety. Oh, wow.

Jesus. She's talking about watery tube shit? And draining cysts? I think we have this set up. You work next to a woman who grosses you out. We don't know. Do you think she's doing it on purpose, Juliette? Or do you think she's just socially weird? I think she might just be socially weird. But I think the worst part is the shows that she watches are shameless and sons of anarchy. So anytime I look over at her screen, all I see are like...

asses or like giant dildos and I'm just like I'm trying to get on with my work. This is your boss. Yeah, she's one of two bosses that I have. How old is she?

She's turning 50 this year. Jesus Christ. So this is an interesting setup. It's going to be really hard to pitch on it. So what is the problem? I think you have to kill her. Am I crazy? I think that's the only way out. Your boss who sits next to you watches inappropriate shows with nudity at work and talks about her health issues and it's very gross.

Is your question, what do I do now? Or is there something specific? How do I fundamentally fix this woman? Yeah. Juliet, here's my first pitch.

You got to outgross the gross. I thought that. I worry. I worry that she's going to be like, I have a diarrhea partner. No, I don't think that. I think it's like multiplication. It's like, you know, blank times blank will equal like. Wait till the boss is eating. Yes. Come in and like, I took a shit. It was so big. I tore my taint. Yeah.

And blood was running down my leg. Direct eye contact, yes. When she's drinking like a beet juice or something like that. Drink the beet juice. But I would do it. This is actually, it sounds like we're making a joke, but I'm actually now being serious. I was just pitching at the beginning. Here's what I would do. I wouldn't lead out with this. The next time she does it to you, you're at work and she goes like, oh, you wouldn't believe I had the runniest diarrhea. Look at her with direct eye contact and go like.

It seems like an odd thing to say now. And then she'll go like, oh, sorry. And you go, no, all good. Then when she starts eating, you go like, I took a shit this morning and it ripped my asshole open. And when she looks at you, whenever she goes to drink or eat, you're doubling down. If on her screen is that literally go on Pornhub and open it up and face it to her, whatever it is. And she'll go like watching shameless with an asshole. And then you have like,

something worse something worse and you just pointed at her and then she'll like look at your screen and you look at her screen and you're basically this is a advice it's like a gross off a gross off yeah and you keep going and if she heightens it you are now playing chicken oh you guys are two semis on the highway you have to go because at the last can't play chicken with a goat she it might be it might be hard i like it is that a saying well like did you make that up yeah

You can't play chicken with a goat? Is that a thing? No. Okay. No, most of the things I say, it's pretty good. It works. Because it's like a chicken and a goat, like barnyard animals, but then the goat is, you can't do it with the greatest of all time. And it stopped me because when he said, you can't do it with a goat, I went like, he's right. Yeah.

Well, because I had two semis. I thought I was about to win. You can't play chicken with a goat. The worry is that, you know, she's going to be sending you, like, look at this bowel movement video. But then you have to go back. Which is going to be tough. That's right. Oh, you think it might just get in a league. Hey, Juliet, if you fought fire with fire here, you think you could win? I think so. I think I could outgross her. Yeah. Juliet, with the last call, we did a little role playing. I want to do a little role playing right now. Okay, so I'm the boss.

let's say her name is Vanessa. I'm Vanessa and you are going to try and outgross her. Okay. I'm going to need all of your improvisational skills. I'm going to need you to use kind of like the French precision and the Scottish kind of like gutsiness and, you know, bring, bring your whole grotesquity to bear on this conversation. So I'm Vanessa and action is,

Oh, Juliet, just the other day I drained a cyst. You wouldn't believe what was at the center of it. It was a writhing little worm. It was a worm in the pus of my cyst. And I was like, oh, I better capture it. But then it...

It fell down into my pubic hair and was writhing around as I was trying. What are you eating, darling? What are you eating right now? Do you know what? That reminds me of when I had explosive diarrhea over the weekend. So I had some really bad food poisoning. And it was like an open tap from both ends. Like just like a nonstop stream. It was really incredible. Do you mind? I'm trying to eat my pasta primavera.

Oh, exactly. I had pasta and it came out in full chunks. Pretty good. I will say the role play helps. Also, Juliet, because what you might have is just madness. You're good. If Juliet comes back and goes like,

Well, the other day, I vomited big chunks that look like cheese. And you go, you don't say. Have you ever eaten your cheesy vomit? I know I do. Then you're getting into a world where your work has become the funniest place on earth. Okay, I think this is, I really think

That really helped sell me because we're in 100 percent agreement. I think I think worst case scenario, you're at least finding some fun in the idea that you're going to try to win. And you might not. And she might just keep coming at you. But you got to shoot her. Yeah, you've got good jazz. You just did that with rain. Yeah, great. I mean, yeah, I think.

You would crush it in the office. Yes. I'm definitely going to try it. I feel like you guys are doing the right thing. But you can't break. You can't laugh. You've got to practice more. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would come up with a list, too, of things so that you're ready to go. You go in cocked and loaded. Do you know Benedict Cumberbatch? Yes.

Because I feel like he'd be a good person to work with on this. Get him on board. He could do some coaching. Can we lock him in? So, Julie, do you think this is something you're going to actually try next time your boss does this? I think I've reached the point where I just can't take it anymore. So I think I might actually try it. How about this, too? Maybe on YouTube, get one of those. I one time in a hotel watched Dr. Pimple Popper, and I was like, I'm interested in this. I was probably sticking around for six minutes.

before I was like, I can't do this anymore. You put on like the worst pimple popping video. Yeah, have that on your screen. Just show it to her a little bit. Yeah, exactly. So do you think you would also have some backup on a screen and then have a few gross stories? And once she starts, do you think you're going to just say game time and let's go for this? I genuinely think so. So then, Juliet, I need to ask you a favor now. And this isn't hard.

You have to have your phone ready and hit voice notes and record this back and forth. Because if we got audio of you and this woman, you know, gross off at work. Oh, that's good. I think for everybody, not just us, but you, too. I think it would be important for everybody to hear that. I think it'd be important for international relations. Yeah. I mean, this is think of Brexit. This could actually rebuild after Brexit.

Hey, Julia, we wish you a lot of luck. Well, thank you so much for the advice. Yeah, thanks, Julia. Keep us posted. God bless. And we are brought to you by Squarespace. We love Squarespace. Squarespace has so many things to help you build your business. I use Squarespace for my personal website. We built Squarespace for the Suits and Wigs party. Look, they've got

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many, many more. I mean, we love some of these shows. So, yeah, like we said, get ready to be bowled over, have your socks knocked off and get thrown for a loop. You love Bob's Burgers, right? I do. I think Bob's Burgers is my favorite animated show since The Simpsons. Yes. I like Solar Opposites and you can watch American Dad, The Great North, Grimsburg, Krepopolis.

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This is a crazy thing to say. It's a hurtful, crazy thing to say. I don't think that that's... It was really nice to hear. You know, I'll be honest. When Rain pitched the role play, my little ego goes, if he just brings Jake into this and not me, I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know how I'll recover. So Gareth's bit is always, whenever we try to get him quiet, he'll always find a way. No. So...

I was literally on that last one because I'm like, rain set up. It's really working. It's really clean. I'm like, what's he's going to be like a janitor. I almost had to bring a piece. I'm just stepping the jam. And then it'll literally go like, honestly, on this one, let's not. He'll go fine. And then it'll start. Pastry boy. I've got a bunch of them. I'm killing a pastry. That's all that is. Uber Eats. Hello. It's a real thing. The caller gets quiet. I just got hit on my.

on my bike, by a vehicle. Crikey! But now, really quickly, we did both go to New Trier. We went to the same high school. Yes. And you moved there midway through high school. You went to the Baha'i Temple. Correct? You guys moved there for that. Yeah, so I grew up in suburban Seattle most of my life and then moved at 16, did my last two years of high school in New Trier. Interesting. Which, for people who don't know, is a

It's a pretty fancy school. It's a great school. It's a great school, but it's fancy. There's like kids getting Porsches on their 16th birthday. Oh, wow. And it's... It's also massive. It's 4,000 kids. It's massive, yeah. Huge theater division. Holy shit. But a great arts thing. I had a radio show at WNTH. Sure, 88.1. Yeah. Wow.

Nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My brother had a radio show. Yeah. That's where I got my acting start at Nutrier and I'm so grateful for it. And were you thinking of, because when I went through, at least because my group was more, we were really into comedy. So we were all thinking Second City. Right. Where was your head at? Because that school, everything's taken very seriously. Yeah. So if you're into theater as a senior-

You're thinking of pursuing this. So where was your head? Because I read that you went to then Tisch for grad school. Were you thinking right then, like, I want to be an actor, actor and do the New York acting thing? Well, it's interesting you say that because I've had various points in time in my career where it's like, oh, should I do the improv thing or should I do the serious acting thing?

And I even a new tree or like I remember doing some improv with one of the improv groups there and I was like thinking of moving in that direction but I always went more for the serious drama thing but I I was this nerdy pimply skinny Seattle nerd boy and and I had some success with some plays and I went in Seattle.

- Or at Nutria. - At Nutria, once I moved there, 'cause I hadn't really done any acting before. And I went to Mrs. Adams, Suzanne Adams. She had probably left by the time you were there. - Yeah, I think so. - And I had one of the most important conversations of my life, in all seriousness. I was like, I was so nervous and insecure and self-conscious. And I was like, "Mrs. Adams, I like acting a lot, and do you think that I could ever be an actor?"

And she was like, oh, yes. She was very dramatic. She was like, oh, you should try it and you should, but you need to read books and go to college and learn and travel the world and fall in love and, but,

her saying that meant so much to me at being an insecure 17 year old and I was like it gave me like it lit the flame of I can maybe actually do this yeah I might be able to because I didn't know any artists I didn't know people that got paid money to to make art didn't seem like a realist did you did how much of that advice did you take did you travel the world did you do a little bit

bit yeah i kind of did but you then in your head said like this is a real thing this is a possibility of a path i know i know the exact moment because our school was just the new chair in that world there were a lot of people with money and it felt and there was like the old money and there was banking and lawyers and there was a certain thing a lot of people were going and if you didn't fit into that there wasn't a clear i know exactly what i'm going to do but there was

In order to succeed here, you have to be very competitive. So once there was a, this is a real path and it could happen. Yeah. There's, that's why I think there's so many kids from that high school in this town and still working. Yeah. Because it was taken as seriously as if you wanted to like go be a lawyer. It was kind of more serious in college. Like my drama classes in high school were better and more intensive than they were

a lot of my undergrad. Where did you do your undergrad? I did a year at Tufts University in Boston. Then I went to University of Washington in Seattle and the Nutria acting classes were just more intensive. And then you went to Tisch too. Then I ended up going to Tisch. I did Tisch, but I did it for dramatic writing. I had a moment like you had, but it was for writing.

Oh, wow. Where I had a teacher, the same thing. I was really bad in school for a while. I dropped out for a year, came back. Yeah. Was trying to find my footing. And then I had an English teacher be like, you just got to see writings like jazz. And you could do it. You just have to do it your way as opposed to trying to write like these other writers. Oh, nice. Just make it your voice. Yeah. And I remember being like...

Oh, cool. Did you go straight from New Trier to there? I went to University of Iowa for a year. Okay. My wife went there. Oh, yeah. Iowa City. Really fun. Yeah, yeah. And then to Tisch. Okay. Yeah. And so you then did the dramatic writing and then went from there to LA? No, I did a graduate acting program, even though I wasn't officially...

I didn't have my undergrad degree, but I had done a couple years of undergrad. And so they let me in. And I did theater for 10 years in New York, man. I was doing like Shakespeare, bus and truck, off-off-Broadway. Oh, you were acting. I was acting, acting, acting. Because your career is so fascinating. Because obviously, you know, I'm a big fan and I've watched you a lot, especially when we were both doing TV. Yeah. Because you-

We were on like parallel shows. Yes. Around the same time, but we never. Never. I think because we're on different networks, we never bumped into each other. It is because all the Fox people I'd bumped into at some point. Yeah, yeah. But none of your guys' were. Yeah, the NBC people, we all. But I also really liked all your choices that you would do in like hiatuses.

Where you would do like a big comedy. Then you were moving around a lot while having that job. Yeah. So what were you doing before The Office hit? Had the town already kind of christened you in? Or was that the one? It was a crazy story because I really couldn't get my foot into TV and film in New York at all. I was the only actor. I was in New York for 10 years. Yeah. I didn't even have an audition. Wow.

for any of the law and orders. Jesus Christ. That's the only thing. That's the thing. That's the only TV. Everybody, every New Year's after. People will be on it twice. And for people that, yeah, I have multiple friends that were on like three or four different times. Just walking in a bagel shop going, I don't know what to tell you. I don't know the guy. Yeah. Yeah, he used to come around here. I haven't seen him in a while. Yeah, here's his phone number. Relax. The constant moving and the device they pick of everybody in New York is constantly walking and talking. Yeah. You're like, just relax.

stop settle down no you've got law and order traffic literally two detectives you're a bagel delivery guy you have

have time to stop always giving up the info there's always a guy stacking boxes and he never stops these are serious detectives if a detective goes hey can I talk to you we're investigating a murder I'm not going like this oh yeah the murder you talking about that dead woman down the block no I'm going that's one of the main acting classes is movement while memorizing because you always got to be doing some activity and it killed me when I started so I came to LA around year 2000 and I didn't have any TV or film credits really and uh

I came with this comedy show we created in New York called The New Bozina that was this kind of sketch comedy clown weird show. And we brought it and it actually opened some doors. Where were you doing it? We did it at little theaters around Hollywood. Not far from here. Were you doing it in New York too? We did it in New York. Yeah, we did it off-Broadway in New York. Okay, because we were doing at that time the surf realities and the collective unconsciouses down in the Lower East Side. So you guys were more off-Broadway doing that.

Yeah. We were at the Cherry Lane and we had done it over some other small theater. So did you know the state guys at all? No, they were a generation before me. Okay. Because we were pretty tight with them. We were around the same time. So then you came out here with a play, but no real Lincoln. Yeah.

Yeah. And then it just, the play we got, we, the, our little troop signed with three arts management and then the same arc. Yeah. That's seriously crazy. Yeah. And then Eric Edelson and I sold a little thing signed with three arts management and you got agents. Yep. Then we got agents and yeah. Yeah. And, uh,

And then did a bunch of like guest spots and little weird films and pilots and stuff like that. But I was having way more success in LA than I was in New York. I had the same exact thing. Which is crazy. I had no success in New York. And how were you feeling? Like when you were starting to do, were you feeling the build was happening? Yeah. You did. Okay. Every year there was a little bit more. I was making a little bit more money, getting a little bit better roles. And then it finally peaked when I got on Six Feet Under. Yeah.

Yeah, interesting.

Peter Krause and Michael C. Hall had also gone to NYU. I knew them. I was like, I just want to get on this show. And five times I got rejected. And then the last time I was coming in, I saw this role of Arthur, the mortician. And I read the character description. It was literally sitting on the table. I saw the character breakdown and it said like a nerdy, odd mortician who is like Peter Sellers and being there. And I was like,

oh my God, I could totally play that. So I went to the casting person and again, I was like, hey, can I audition for this role? And she was like, oh, you really did that? Yeah. And she was like, oh, let me check. And then she was like, yeah, yeah, come back in an hour and you can audition. And then I booked that.

And that is what got me the office and got me a lot. So then the people from the office saw that. Yeah, Greg Daniels from the office saw me in Six Feet. And had you known, were you a big fan of the British office before? I was. Yeah, me too. It must have been nerve wracking to go in for that role too because on the British office, that role is so, I mean, it's Gareth in the British office. Yeah, I was, I mean, obviously the British office is total genius and we're forever in debt, of course, but-

I really was like, there is no one else that can play this role better than me. See, that's the mental. If you get to that stage in this game, that's awesome. So you were like, I know I could do this guy. Yeah. Because you were eating that part. Because I remember that era when it came. Did you audition for it? I was going to ask. I don't remember. I did. You did? Then I probably did too. You did? Yeah, I did. Okay, then I did too. But it was also like, it was a big- Well, Hollywood doesn't agree. He's a good actor.

Hollywood doesn't agree. I, at some point, considered myself that. But it was a big deal. It was like the office was one where everyone was going in. Well, everybody knew about it. So then if you auditioned, I did too because it was that year. I didn't remember if we were here for it. Yeah, I was here. I remember there was a real fear

Because I thought, as a gambling man, it's not going to work. You can't remake that. Well, they did a lot of those adaptations. They were trying it. From UK hits. They never worked. Most of them missed. But I was like, you're hitting this? Calf and Kim, I remember they hit hard. Huge. There was a bunch of them. Totally. NBC, too. And then once you guys started, and it really was a lot of that with that cast, you were like, oh, this shit's a monster. Oh, yeah. So once it started, then you just took off.

Yeah, I mean, people don't remember. Like, our first season, we got excoriated in the reviews. We got bad numbers. And we really were almost canceled. Kevin Reilly, you know, fought for us. Kevin Reilly was the best. And really tried to keep us on the air. And we just got a little... You know, our first season was six episodes. We did a pilot, five episodes. Then we did, like...

We got picked up for like five more for season two and then like one more and then like two more. And it wasn't really like halfway through our second season that we were off. And then at that point we were like off like a rocket. It was crazy. And then it just didn't stop. But you're also doing, you know, I've been watching you on Instagram and stuff where you're in Antarctica and doing like, you're always making interesting choices. What was the thing when you started, obviously the environments, you know, the environment, but when was the moment that that became...

Because it seems like it's not only your passion right now, but creatively you're also putting it in front. Like you're really putting what's going on with the environment front and center with your name, with your passion, with what you do. And you're physically going places. What was that turn or was that always building? I mean, there's a couple of different things. I mean, I just feel like...

And I felt this kind of awesome responsibility when I was on The Office. Like all of a sudden I have a platform. People care what I think and feel. Don't I have a responsibility to somehow try and make the world a better place besides just being entertaining and playing goofy characters? And how do I work that?

So we started this company, SoulPancake, that went on for a long time. That was a digital media company, YouTube channel that was making inspiring content. I started working more and more in philanthropy. My wife and I co-founded with some Haitian friends a girls education nonprofit in Haiti. And

As far as climate, yeah. I mean, I was just like, the only thing I was doing for the climate was sending out occasional angry tweets. Yeah, totally. And then I was like, you got to do more than this rain. Come on. Like, this is, you know, you've got to put your money where your mouth is. Like, get behind something. And I met this wonderful woman, Dr. Gail Whiteman. She ran this organization called Arctic Base Camp. And...

She started it and she was like, let's go to Greenland. Let's film a thing. And we got just a shoestring budget. We shot this little show called An Idiot's Guide to Climate Change. And we've been doing these. I've been working a little bit with Adam McKay and his Yellow Dot Studios and trying to kind of reach people in the movable middle around climate because too much climate is either yelling at people that will never believe the science or...

preaching to the choir of people who are already, you know, who already it's important. So how do you make accessible, fun, funny content that reaches kids in, in Nebraska that don't know what to think about climate? So, you know, I just, I, I just try to, I try to walk the walk a little bit. And where's your head creatively as an actor in the state of the game and what do you like right now? What do you want to do next?

I don't know, man. I don't know what I want to do next. It's a weird time. It is a weird time right now. Everyone says it's kind of like the deadest it's ever been. And also, what is it? Yeah. Remember pilots? I mean, we were talking about this the other day. Pilot season as a thing. Like when The Office was auditioning, like...

You had like 20 auditions from January to March. Big ones. And then I think last year it was like there were three that actors were at, which is just absurd. There also used to be a life as an actor. Yeah, you used to be able to nickel and dime your way through it. Well, you could also be a pilot actor.

Yeah. Where you could make your living for 10 years just doing pilots every year. You could make your living doing that. As a writer, you could make your living, you know, writing pilots and then. Getting an overall. Yes. Yeah. And so then the game keeps changing. But now that, but also they don't audition as much anymore.

Like everything is straight offers. So there's the, they'll have a pilot. They'll look down the top seven characters on the list and they'll be like, let's offer this to him and this to him. And this sucks about this. Cause I always like to try to write and make stuff. I like the indie feeling stuff. Yeah. Is,

everybody you would like, it's a straight offer. And I go like, I'm not looking for you to audition for me, like dance for me, but how about a meeting? Let's see if we get along. Let's see if we agree creatively. Yeah. I'm like, it's like the business wants to do arranged marriages. I'm like, can't we date? Yeah. Yeah.

I'm interested in maybe marriage. But I'm also really interested in the old-fashioned audition. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And come into a room. Don't send in a tape. Come into a room and do the audition and work with the director. And I'm game to do that. Well, that old world, I do believe is... So the old... Did you guys have to test for the office in that old world where you're like, you tested in person, there were all the executives in a room? How'd you guys do your test for that show? So the office was different than any other pilot test I'd ever done. Because normally, you're exactly right. You...

You waltz in in front of all these executives. So scary. Some conference room. It's awful. All this pressure and you got to try and be funny and be mostly off book. The office, they shot the auditions over a weekend as a kind of a series of callbacks, mixing and matching. Oh, cool. The actors and stuff. It was really chemistry based. Yeah. And it was...

And we filmed it in the documentary style so that the network could see us on the screen. That's way better. I mean, anything where you had the chance to actually be a little more natural because it was so unnatural the other way. But that is crazy. I know like you were saying when you auditioned for New Girl, because you could hear the person before you. And you're just like, oh, this sucks. Oh, I have a great story about that.

It wasn't me, but someone I know, they were auditioning. It was between them and like a big name of a former star, but a little bit past their prime. And it was between the two of them. They go in the waiting room. They bring in the star first to the conference room with all the executives. And...

he hears laughter and applause and slaps on the back and oh and he hears him reading and all this and he's like he gets more and more nervous he's oh no this guy's gonna get the part oh shit and

And then the star guy leaves, you know, I don't know who it was, Scott Baio or whatever, leaves and walks out. And then he goes in and he chokes and he's nervous and he's self-conscious and he tanks it. And the casting person calls his agent and is like, what the hell? If...

The reason we were laughing like that is we had to because he had worked here before. No way. And we had to treat him a certain way and bond with him. He knew the head of the network. We had no intention of casting him. And if your client had just walked in and just read the lines the way he did last time, he would have gotten the job. That's the worst. If there were auditions, that would be a good story to prep yourself every time. But there aren't anymore.

Yeah. You guys are onto something so beautiful with what you're doing here, man. It's, it was a pleasure to be here. Oh, dude. Thank you so much. It means a lot. Super, super cool. Thanks, bud. All right. Thanks. Thanks, Ray. Bye. Bye. Bye.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt, and the associate producer and editor is A.J. McKeon. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio, and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh, and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

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