Deep Dive
Shownotes Transcript
All right, I'm going to promote this. Oh, go ahead, go ahead. All right, Jake.
Here we are. You're going to promote something. Gareth. Yeah, well, that's great. That's great. Well, I want to just say quickly, the dollop. My other podcast is 10 years old, which is we're we're still learning to walk. But the dollop is 10 years old and we're doing a 10th anniversary show April 27th at the Palace in Los Angeles. And you can go to dollop podcast dot com for tickets that event. I know, Jake, you'll want to come to that for sure.
Yeah, I'd maybe come. Yeah. I'd maybe love watching Gareth talk for an hour and a half as his partner goes like, this is a lot of Gareth. Can you imagine? You know what would be a problem? Dave and I being in a room alone together. That would be bad. That would be bad. I would be like, all right, we should get these boys away from each other now. I would go, hey, man, I get it, brother.
And then we'll bring in Evan Mann. You know? Oh, no. That would be horrendous. A partner intervention for me. That's a funny sketch because we've all had comedy partners and writing partners and we all drive each other insane. If you had every person I've ever written a script with in a room, that would be my nightmare. Anybody I've ever partnered with together, they'd be like,
He's tough when we get notes. He's tough when we get notes. When I gutted you by calling you Mo, you really took me down to my knees when you said I make everything about myself. Not only as a psychological problem, but also as a comedy trope. Well, I mean, it's...
I wished we had like a, the most perfect for me, by the way. I mean, it just got me. So, but if we had somebody who was equivalent, uh, it, it doesn't, it just feels so good. But if we had somebody who, yeah,
We had somebody who comedically in like the 50s and 60s always made it about them and their long stories. The way we had Robert and Barbara who were perfect for us. Yes. Mo's perfect for it. You've nailed it. Yes. Thank you. If we had Mo and, you know, it's not, but like Mo and Carrot Top. Right.
Just again, let's not over lean into this. But that's what I said. It's not. Yeah. Well, we were talking earlier that you drive a van to stand up shows on our Patreon. We were just talking on our Patreon. That's true. We were talking on our Patreon. Look at us, the Patreon guys. Yeah. But we were talking about how if you're just traveling around, why do you need a van? And I was saying, maybe you're bringing a lot of props to shows. And you said you don't. I don't. Yeah.
Yep. But I thought you would be great with props. Okay. Anyway, listen, we want to thank everybody for tuning in. Do you disagree that if, if Gareth leaned in, cause you're doing a lot of crowd work now, or is that just for social media? That's I mean, I, you know, about 30% of the show is crowd work, depending on that. What's happening with that is because you don't want your actual jokes on social media. Yeah. Cause you're working on the hour. So that's just gives you stuff to clip. But what you could do for social media is prop work.
You could like lift up a clock and then like do it. It even joke about walk me through this joke. I don't know, but something like a big clock. And then, you know, I could like pretend to hump a clock ago. Time's a real fucker. Yes, exactly. But here's what I think you would be actually good at. Uh huh. You can't have any written jokes with the props. And Luke surprises you with props.
So every show for 10 minutes, you call it Luke's box.
and you open up Luke's box and just make jokes? No. I'll just go with a very simple no. Yeah, I think you guys are supporting it in the way that you try to get a friend to drink a mayonnaise drink with ketchup in it at a restaurant. It could be a good idea. And I think that would be fun. Okay, no, not doing that. Not happening. And it's been really good to catch up with you guys. Just because prop comedy is considered hacky?
Or because you deep down don't think you would be funny doing prop comedy. I like what I do more than I would like doing. You can't add an extra 10 minutes. No, I'm not. How about your proper? Yeah, I would love to do props. Let me tell you this, sweetheart. How do you know it doesn't work?
You know everything? You know straight on it? No, Croco. You do 10 minutes, Garrett. You're going to be at Madison Square Garden in six months. Thank you, Propo. Or continue at the Tickles over at Wichita. All right, Propo. You want to go to Madison Square Garden? Again, to be very clear, I never got to Wichita. We're not doing this stuff! Bye, everybody.
Hello. Hi there. Welcome. Hi. Hi. Welcome to We're Here to Help, America's number one podcast. Don't look it up. Cut it out. Can we get your, you know, I'm with Jake Johnson, Gareth Reynolds, Brian Newgirl. Can we get your name, your age roughly, and where you're calling from exactly?
Oh, roughly exactly. Okay. My name is Isabel. I'm 26. I'm calling from the greater Los Angeles area. Great. What does that mean? Do you want me to tell you where I live? Yeah, why not? Roughly. When you say LA. Is there a McDonald's close? Well, not in my city. Who cares about McDonald's? Where do you live? Wait, wait, wait.
Culver City? What part of town are you in? No, much further than that. That's why I said greater. I live in Pomona area. Okay, you're not in Los Angeles at all. It's okay. This isn't about geography, but you're not in Los Angeles. What can we help you with today, Isabel? A month ago, my boyfriend of seven-ish months broke up with me. Oh, shit. It was...
Yeah, it was, I mean, sad and sucked in all the normal ways that breakups are awful. But besides that, it was like pretty fine. There was no fight or anything. We just broke up at the end of this conversation. But hold on, Isabel, what did he say? He just wanted somebody who had more of the same interest that he had for like a long-term relationship. Okay, that's fair. That's a fair one. Yeah, I agree. Okay, so that sounds like it's for the best.
Oh, totally for the best. Yeah. I'm glad it happened when it did. The problem is that at the end of the relationship, or at the end of the conversation, he was like, so let's give each other some space. We will connect in like two-ish weeks to like have any like
get anything off our chest that we need to and give each other our belongings back. And I was like, okay, sounds good. I don't think I've ever broken up this well, if I'm being totally honest with you. Hey, let's give each other in two weeks. We'll have a great conversation. I'm a total asshole. And you're so much better off without this like fat hairy loser around you. This is how I did it. I'm sorry. I'm a mess. You can keep all the DVDs. This is how, this is how I did it. Hello. All right. So keep going. Okay. Well,
That's the problem. So it didn't turn out that way. These two weeks have come and gone. I haven't heard from him. I do feel like the onus is on him to reach out just because he's the one who broke up with me. I'd be a little pathetic if I was the one to reach out. But that hasn't happened. And the real problem is that I need my things back. And I don't know how to do that in a somewhat dignified way.
Okay. What things? I think this all sounds fair. By the way, what can we call him, Isabella? You want to give him his real name or a fake name? Let's call him Aaron. Aaron? Selfish prick. Okay, so what things did you leave at Aaron's? He has a protest sign that I made. He has my vibrator. Hold on. You made a protest sign?
Yes. On cardboard? Yes, but it's a nice one. I get it. Okay. That's okay. It's like a vision board. Okay, so a protest sign, a vibrator. You said a vibrator? Some shrooms that he bought for my birthday that we were planning to do together. Those are gone. Those are the things I really want back. Okay.
So protest sign. I can meet you in Pomona. I got him. Protest sign, vibrator, and shrooms. By the way, if we're talking about a scene where you're exiting jail and the things that are getting returned to you are these three things, your character is so beautifully defined already. I totally agree. And likable. I love the character. A protest sign, a vibrator, and shrooms. Fantastic. You're already a character the audience is with. And his three things would be what? Yeah.
we hate you what did he leave at your house i don't have good things from him so it's not like great bartering material so i have like a couple books of his what books books how to be a jerk off um what books one of the books is about like just like a memoir from this mexican author um another one is about like
Not in a religious way, but in a historical way. Not in a weird way. Come on, give us some meat. Why can't we poke some holes in here? Anything about fat 40-year-old guys? Anything against white men? Well, get up. We'll kill the losers. You fat hack, yeah.
Greaseball loser. Times have changed, fat boy. Get out of town. We don't need you. Go on a podcast, Chubby. Hey, Chubby boy, why don't you start a podcast with your friend at Edgum? Do most of them from your closet. Be a little bit mad about the drive. It is better in person, but I'm a little bit mad. All right, I'm sorry. So you have some books about Jesus. A Mexican man. Not an unlikable guy so far. What else do we have?
A bowl and some silverware. Oh, Jesus. Okay, so not much. So he can pretty much get everything he wants in a shopping mall. No.
No, he doesn't need his stuff back. So your question is basically, how do you approach this or get your things back logistically? Because he kind of pitched a thing that he's not following through on. And you kind of feel like your stuff. Yeah, I. Yeah, I don't feel like I'm asking for a lot. You're not. You're not. What do you got? I mean, to me, I feel a little straightforward ish about this, which would be just I would text him and just be like, you know, my address. Can you leave the stuff I want in a box? I'll leave your stuff out front.
I mean, it's it I think to you it feels humbling, but it's really just to get your stuff back. You don't know the thing. The fact that he pitched like this follow up breakdown conversation and didn't follow through. Whatever. You don't need that. I mean, whatever. It's over. Right. But you want your shrooms. You want your vibrator. You want your protest sign. Just let him know you want that stuff back. Hey, Isabella, can we can we help you get it back? Oh, Jake, this is why I love Isabella. Can I just tell you why Jake's the best?
Did you hear what I pitched? Put it in a box up front. It made sense, though. But what you're pitching, how do we get the show involved? I think it's good. He's got the producer's mind. That's why I think when people see self-reliance, they're going to be like, wow, this guy really does. This is what he does. This guy really can't land a plane or a film. Let's do it. All right. So let's talk about that. Go start a podcast, fat boy. Hey, fat boy, keep the face behind the scenes.
It just took one big screening to realize I'm better on the radio. Okay, so here's what my thought is, what we could maybe do to help.
We could maybe start a clip right now where Gareth and I are talking to the same camera, probably two, which I'm assuming is a nice two shot. And we could talk directly to Aaron. Then you could email him this clip without any context. I like this. No subject line, no written anything. You just send it. Or even just the subject is follow up.
Do you think, and then what we're going to need from you, Isabel, is notes if you don't like it. Here's what I don't want to have happen. This is not what the show is. You go, yeah, thank you. That was a lot of fun. And then go, never would I send that to him.
Because I got to tell you, we only want to do it if you're going to do this. I absolutely want to. I think having it be like a joke will make me feel better about doing it. That's what I was hoping. Because otherwise, like, sad. Yeah. So then before we start, what is it that you want in this video in terms of what would be the most helpful? Obviously, we need to ask for the stuff.
We can address him as Aaron. We can call you Isabel and we can keep it short. But is there anything else in there that would make this easier for you when you sent it? So you'd have a little less embarrassment. Oh, that's kind. Um, could, uh,
It's a goddamn problem. Okay. Wait, first. Keep going, Isabel. I apologize. Jake's been doing great, but he's having a bit of a downward spiral right now. It's not called pudgy losing a tooth. Pudgy no tooth. Pudgy no tooth. Oh, we got a new show title. Pudgy Brit mouth. Pudgy Brit mouth. Pudgy and Brit mouth. All right.
Our new show could be- Pudgy and Brit Mouth. We'll solve it. No, Pudgy and the Brit Mouth. Pudgy and the Brit Mouth. By the way- You're just going, let's talk to my friend. I'm like, all right, what you got in? If this was pre-podcast and we were doing a morning radio show, which is essentially what this is, those would be our names and we'd be doing a morning zoo. Yes.
Yes. And you definitely are leading it. And I'm just going like, yeah, I was actually last night at the Rams game. Oh, don't think I like that very much. Honestly, lost a number of two. I got to tell you, Isabel, we love the voices. So here's where we're at. Don't mind us. Pardon me. Can we have another spot of information? He does a thousand of them. So here's what we're going to do. I don't like the scene of this precisely. And I love everyone. I always say he's the Robin Williams at a morning radio show. Hey, come on. What are you talking about, old friend? I don't think that's right.
Okay, Isabella, so here's where we're at, sweetheart. Time out for a lock-in. You got Pudgy and the Brit coming at you on 89.5. All right, thanks a lot for joining us. Hey, fuck off, man. Where's my cocaine? Out there, you.
I'm the star of it. Where's my vibrator? Where's my vibrator? And then those guys are always such ego-made. Yeah, yeah. They're always fighting. Yes. And then they come back. Oh, great big story. Unbelievable, wasn't it? So, Isabel, we're going to start this soon. Could you give us a little bit of direction? Sure. Is there any way that I can give you our real names? Yes. Give us the real names and we'll bleep them out. No. Okay. We can't bleep them out. Well, and when we air this. Oh, do you want the real names bleeped out?
When you air it? Yeah. Can you do that? Yes. Okay. Okay. So what we're going to do is we're going to do a take and then we want your honest direction. Okay. And we're going to do this until you're happy and it might be the first one. It might be the second one. Okay. Got to be one of the two. But, and we are going to keep this to under a minute. So Kevin, can you help us? I got a timer right here. Okay. Great.
Okay. Thank you, Kevin. Yep. Thanks, Kevin. Yep. Thanks, Kevin. Okay. Kevin's got all his teeth. Look at him. And three. You want me to start? Yeah. Two, one. Hey, how you doing? This is Jake Johnson. Gareth Reynolds. And we're on a podcast called We're Here to Help. And we need to send this to you from our friend because when you guys broke up seven months ago. No, recently. You were together seven months. That doesn't matter. Keep going.
Cut. Cut. When did you guys break up? We broke up last month. We were together for seven months. Okay, we got it. Let's reset. All right, back to one. Oh, so he's only not called. It's only been two extra weeks? Listen, we're doing it. She doesn't want to do it. It still stands. All right, here we go. Does change the premise. Back to one. Does not. It still holds. Okay. In three, two, one. Hey, how you doing? I'm Jake Johnson. I'm Gareth Reynolds. And we're sending you this message from...
Because after you guys split up, she left some things at your apartment. Garf, what are those things? Well, she just wants to get back her protest sign, her vibrator, and her mushrooms. Now, I pitch that there's a really good chance those mushrooms are gone. And if they are, they are. But we would... Replace them. We would... Well, if you could replace them, it'd be great. But we would love...
If you could get her back the vibrator and the sign and ideally the shrooms. And she's going to give you back the couple books and whatever the hell else you have. The silverware and the bowl. And the bowl. You'll get your bowl back so you can eat. So what do you say? Let's end this in a cool way. Let's figure out a drop. You guys don't have to see each other. It's not dramatic.
I'm not dramatic about this. No, it's Tinder. This happens. But we just want to get her stuff back. Are we good? Please. Ten seconds. Maybe plug the podcast. Also, if you like podcasts, it's called We're Here to Help. It's a call and advice show. So, yeah, you know, we're on wherever you listen to podcasts. Cut. Perfect. Pretty good. Great. So what do you think? I loved it. I do have a couple notes. Okay. Okay.
Always. Okay, so the first is that I got him to start watching New Girl with me. We didn't get very far. So he definitely knows...
Your character, Jake. Did he get to season? What season did he stop at, just so we know? Was it the Brian season or no? We've done this bit so many times. We don't need Kevin in the background to go, the Brian bit! You do. No, no, no. Even if I cut it out every time. It's a genuine question. Don't worry. Did he make it to season seven? We're going to do the Brian bit, Kevin. It's not a bit. Did he make it to season seven? Did he see the Brian season, as they call it on set? Okay, so keep going. So keep going.
Okay, yeah. You can maybe hype up Brian a lot so he feels like he should go back and finish watching. Great idea. Great idea. That's a great idea. And then if you want to, I have... What? Okay. The amount of shrooms that he said he was going to give to me is specifically three and a half grams. So if you want to mention that, feel free. Okay, great. Back to one in three, two, one. Hey, how you doing? We're here from the show. We're here to help. And we're making this message on behalf of...
Yeah, that's Jake Johnson. You might know him from The New Girl. I'm Brian. I was the security guard on season seven, also of New Girl. But we're not here to talk about that. All we want to talk about is how you kind of said that you wanted to give back the stuff when you guys broke up. And we just want to follow up on that. And that stuff is what she needs is the protest sign, the vibrator and three and a half grams of shrooms. However you get up to her. And so let's get this wrapped up soon, my friend, if you see this differently.
then you can call us too. But right now we are talking to...
and saying those three things she wants. And she'll give you the books about Jesus and the Mexican hardware. All that shit goes back to you. No problem. So let's just do the exchange as soon as we can. Thank you so much, my man. We appreciate you. Let us know if this is okay. And I don't mean to seem like an enforcer. I play a security guard. What do you think? That was perfect. Thank you so much. I think that's going to work. There we go. And then if he follows up with you with any weirdness,
Just tell me. Send them to us. Send them to Nick and Brian. Does that sound fair?
Yes, absolutely. So in the email, if he comes back and there's any tone that you don't like, send him. The response is, Kevin, what's the show email again? HelpfulPod at Gmail. HelpfulPod at Gmail and say, take your grievances there. Okay? Okay. All right. I will do that. Let us know if you get your stuff back and it's a happy ending. All right? Got it. Okay. I appreciate you guys. Thanks, Isabel. All right. Cut it out. Okay. Yep. Thank you.
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who now is just back to hunk, is a big fan of Hungry Root, as we all are. But you have a little story, Kevin. I've for years have been looking for a meal delivery service that caters to vegans. A lot of them do not have a vegan version. They're closest they have is a veggie. And those aren't really that good. I literally Googled three months ago, best vegan delivery service. Hungry Root popped up.
I have for three months had it delivered for, I get a box of five meals a week every single week. I love it. Super easy to make. Lee and I have a blast making them. And you've never looked better. I feel great. Yeah. Highly recommend it. I'm a huge fan of Hungry Roots.
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Keep the carbs out of summer without compromising flavor with Hero Bread. Get 10% off your order at hero.co and use code HELP at checkout. That's help at h-e-r-o dot c-o. Hello? Hi, can we, uh, first of all, welcome to the show. Hi. Thank you so much. Yeah, we're happy you're here.
I'm happy to be here. So why don't you just start and get into it? We're not going to do a traditional setup. We're going to do something new. The floor is yours. Tell us what you want. Say what you want. You're the boss. We're your helpers. We're your ones and twos. We're your ghillie beads. That's right. Welcome. Well, first off, I'm a big fan of the dollop, Garrett. So I'm
I haven't heard a ton of love for the dollop on here, so I wanted to give you a little love. Okay. Thank you. See, this is what happens when you don't leave the call. Hey, I'm on the dollop, too. I'm going to do Gara's bit about New Girl. Remember when I was on it? Did you see my episode? Jake, you were on the past times. Jake, you know what? I was on the dollop. No, you were on the past times. It's different. I was on it. Did you see Jake the security guard? You know what you were? You were Jake, the guy who didn't know how to record a podcast when you did that. Is that true? Yes.
Considering where you are now with your home set up, I don't even remember. I think you ended up recording it on your phone is what I believe. I was better with the Pam-demic one. You were better with Pam-demic. Absolutely. But this isn't about me being on the dollop, which I was past times. God, he makes everything about himself. It's just like, you know what I mean? Can we just get into it already? I'm just a fun guy. This is a fun show for fun guys. All right, keep going. I also have a cute vest.
Well, to give you a little love, Jake, my husband and I think you in the minks is your aesthetic. So 70s porn producer, that is your aesthetic. Thank you. And as Gareth would say, I have a mustache. I have bell bottoms. You sure do, Garfield. Thank you. Can you please take the, you know what? What's your name? I'll never do that again. Hi, can we please get your name, please? Yeah.
Yep. I'm Rachel. I'm 33 and I'm just going to say the Midwest. Midwest. Okay. And I was obviously joking. We appreciate that intro. So Rachel, 33 from the great Midwest with the Garf Man and I can both agree with. We both love the Midwest. Spent 13 hours in Chicago the other day. Thanks, American Airlines. If you like that story, check out part one, two and three on Patreon. Rachel, what's your problem?
So let me shotgun this real quick, just bottom line it, and then we'll... I thought you were going to drink a beer really fast, to which I was going to say you really are... Wisconsin. We know which state. Okay, before I do this, let me shotgun too quick. Oh, Milwaukee. And then let me rip this cigarette really fast. Hold on. I'm going to rip a dart. Yeah, and then I want to play cricket, and I just got all my 20s. I'm going to rip a dart, play cricket, do some bar dice, shotgun two beers, have some bar olives, then we can start. All right, Rachel, so shotgun your old Milwaukee and take over.
Yes. So I need help with a birthday gift for my husband. So his birthday is next month. And the context is we had a pretty tough last year. So 2023, just a few different things made it really rough. And so I'm looking for like some ideas that are like kind of a big gesture that says like, thanks for hanging in there with me and yeah,
this year is going to be better and all of that. Fuck, I'm scared to ask about what happened because it doesn't feel like our show, but I feel like we've got to know. It would be good to give us as much context as you're comfortable with for the gift. And I'm really hoping that you put too much deodorant on and then it's turned you blue or something stupid. Not quite. So it's going to take a turn. It's going to take a dip and then we're going to come back up. We're going to climb out, Rachel. We're going to climb out. Yep. So we had to put down our dog and he was...
He was old, to be fair, but still rough. Yeah. And we had a really stressful, I sold my house and then moved not too far away, but it was just not a good experience for that. And then I got laid off from my job. Okay. Okay.
Was it your dog or both of yours? It was my dog. Yeah. So you had a really bad last year. Yeah, I suppose that's true. You feel like he really hung in there with you through that. So you want to kind of really. I like this. And what's his name? Or what should we call him? I'm going to call him Mark. Okay. So Mark stuck with you.
I mean, we're married, but yes. Still. And guess what? 50% of the people don't. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, true. Our parents didn't. It's a fun show for fun guys. Stop it. Since I've known him, has wanted to make friends with a crow.
Excuse me? Go ahead. Hold on. Hold on, Rachel. We had a setup that was making sense, and now there's a turn. Hold on. A turn that, might I add, I'm in love with. Yeah. Yeah. So not like one crow. He doesn't have a crush on one crow, as far as I know. So he's playing the field. He is playing the field. So he works in medicine and works nights. And so when he's done with his shift in the morning, there is a mercenary.
murder of crows. Nice. Outside his office. What a term. The best. Yeah. It's been a few years since, I don't know, we were watching something, listening to something and I was like, oh yeah, crows are super smart. Like I'm not a bird person, but I do know that about crows. Yes. And,
They remember faces. Crows are shockingly smart. Shockingly smart. Shockingly great memories. If someone wrongs a crow, crows will attack the person for they'll get revenge. They will shit on your car as well as if you court a crow and it recognizes you as a friend, it will come back to you. Legitimately, I have a crow in my backyard that I have a minor relationship with. The crows are amazing. It's my dream. It started because the its baby fell.
Uh, uh, and we, my wife and I couldn't find it, but we just heard the crow and it ended up another animal ate it. Uh, and so we first had a bad relationship with the crow and then it's been around and now the crow is just, it's like a, we have outdoor cats and the crow is like one of the outdoor pets we have. That's the best. Uh, so I get this story. So you might be the expert on that. Yeah. Do you hear Rachel's react? Yeah. Oh,
Yeah, Rachel's like, this is it? So your husband wants a relationship with a crow? Yeah. Kevin, start the episode with that so this sounds insane. Yeah, it's going to be like the hangover. I bet you're wondering how Jake asked that question and why. Well, there's a little backstory. Rachel's had a tough year. Let's go to her. She likes the dollop and mix. So I'm like 75% with him. I want this to be like a work friend and not like a
bro, a crow bro you bring home. What? We also have indoor outdoor cats. Rachel, don't brush past the weirdest thing you've ever, we've ever heard. The idea that you're like, look, we don't want to overcommit to the crow pod. What do you think? A bro, they're going to watch Packer games together?
Oh, my God. Hey, this crow's going to shotgun a beer real quick. What do you think? You're going to come home and the crow's going to be wearing like a Milwaukee Bucks jersey? Hey, dinner almost ready, Rach. At most, Rachel. It's going to crow in the backyard a little bit. Can we throw a tombstone pizza in the oven, Rach?
It's not going to be like an old fraternity, buddy. Those are my questions. Whispering the mark. She's got a lot of attitude tonight. Here's how we can help you, Rachel. It's just a goddamn crow. Yeah. It's not going to be much. You're not going to feel threatened and it's not going to move you. So I'm dating a crow and married to a mark.
I didn't know if I'd be beholden to go to all of their funerals. No. I don't know how all of the rules work. Crow law is very different to ours, Rachel. And so, Rachel, just so we can get back to planet Earth on this one, what's the crazy question here? So the question is either, apparently you have experience with this, so the idea was maybe something symbolic of that that says like,
It's a weird thing I think that you're trying to do, but like, I love you and I support you. Okay. Or like I said, since you do seem to have some experience, what are legitimate inroads with this crow? And like I checked Cameo and there are no nerds on Cameo that know crow stuff. Probably. Wait, you texted Cameo? Wait, you texted Cameo?
Yeah. Okay. What is the cameo part? By the way, can we get a sound bite of her saying, okay, this is actually for real? And when Garrett does a pun, you play Rachel's, okay. Yes. Could you actually try to do just a sound effect whenever we get it, but you just hear from another call, the only people who get this will be the Gilly Beans or the Ones and Twos or the Sixteen and Bombs, but you just hear a, okay. Okay.
I'm used to gutting Jake, but callers at least normally play cake. I love when the callers are getting... The callers are like, I'll pile on. So...
What are you talking about, Cameo? I didn't understand that reference. Did you? No. Oh, so Cameo is like a service thing that some, I would say, low-level celebrity... We know what Cameo is. But you're talking about celebrity... You're looking for crow doctors on there? Yeah, that's what... I know what Cameo is. The most tangential, like, could this person say anything about... Are they also a weirdo? Do they also have a crow friend? Still.
I'm trying to get to the bottom of this. Are you looking for, were you trying to find a cameo of somebody to say to him, you're not a total weirdo for wanting friends with a crow. Thanks for sticking with your wife. Or are you looking for a way to get him a friendship with a crow? Or are you trying to let him know that you're okay with the fact that he wants to be friends with a crow? What's the want here, Rachel?
Yeah, so kind of either of those things, either something symbolic of I support you and thanks for supporting me, um,
Or real tips. So real tips. Here's what I would do. So I wouldn't do the symbolic thing. If I got a, if I wanted to do a friendship with a crow and I stuck by my wife for a bad move, a losing her job, her dog going down. And I went like, she really kind of killed me for 12 months, made the vibe really lame. And then there was a cameo of like, uh, Bud Bundy from married with children being like, Hey Jack, I think it's pretty cool. You like crows. You got a great gallon Rachel. I'll go like, give me my 12 months, 12 months back.
Thanks for the 40 second cameo from like a WWE wrestler. But hey, man, that's not a fair trade. It's not a fair trade. Oh, I agree. Well, go ahead. Here's what I would do. I would find his interest besides crows, and I would get a custom made bird bath in the backyard that is...
really cool and his style not yours so every time he sees it he goes like wow it's the packers or you know whatever he likes a bird bath that is set up in your yard i would get a lot of bird food specifically to crows i would figure out what crows like to like rest on like my wife does more of this so i don't know for sure but we tried to attract owls so we got all these like
owl little homes and nailed them up on trees. So I would figure out the best place that crows like to live.
hang out and i would i would have that for him so he goes what is this and you go this is an ideal home for a crow to nest because where a crow nests it comes back to yeah so you're trying to make your backyard a safe place for a crow family to go this is our space and then you're going to feed it give it a bath so you're saying to it you guys are safe here you'll never be in danger
We are your friends. And over time, as soon as they have babies, they'll go, I got to say, we like Mark's vibe. He comes out here and feeds us every day. And before you know it, you're going to get there. And then Mark gets to look up and go, I have a friendship with a crow.
Or go on Cameo, get Bud Bundy to go like, all good, rock and roll. Nice, dude. I hear you like pigeons or some shit. For $375, I will talk for two minutes in my car. First Cameo in four months. Yeah, hey, right on, everybody. I wish you all the fucking best. Check me out. I am living in Alaska. This is David Faustino. Just calling out my main man, Mark. Calling out my main man.
Mark. Marks. And your love of crows. So I really hope that. Rebecca sent me. She loves you. And then David goes, I think 80% of that went to cameo. Yeah. I think Jake's right. I mean, my rudimentary crow knowledge is also they really like shiny things. They use those to like build their. I think there is a way to try to build a relationship. It's a bit of a hard thing.
tangible gift. So that's why I think the stuff that Jake's talking about is good. I think you can also get these like bird feeders that stick on your windows. So you basically put like whatever seed the birds want and they don't want to grow that close. My friend, I don't know if you'll get a crow that close. Yeah, but so you're going to get we have those like hummingbirds and stuff like that. Yeah, that was when hummingbirds are fine. A crow is a bad man. Crows can be very sweet. Yeah, they can. But you're talking about attracting
a dangerous character so you want to keep it you want to keep that murder up in trees you want a little distance um but look i think that mark doesn't i think that's solid kind of advice here rachel i mean it's a super weird call i love it and i do too but i think there's a world where we've given you some help what do you think i think i got another pitch i got another pitch uh just because i want you to leave this and feel like this was worth it to you
Go to an animal sanctuary where there is a wounded crow and have Mark, when he gets home, he goes, what's in the box? And you go, it's your fucking new crow. Whoa. And then what he does. Neither. It's a fun show for fun guys.
Uh, so then what his job is, is to nurse the crow back to life and safety. And then what happens when you release it, then you've got the bird bath, then you've got the place for it. So that crow views Mark as its father. I love the imprinting. I don't know how easy that's going to be to do off of that. I would also say, yeah, go to take him to like some Audubon center or call around and be like,
What is your like? Ask about crows. Be like what? Not only what can I do to attract a crow, but also do you have crows there and take him there? Get him in the world of crows a little bit more. I saw a documentary about a family that took a baby hippo in and now the hippo lives in the house and thinks it's a house dog. Oh, man. So you're talking about you want to enter a weird world. Go to one of these places and rescue 10 crows and let them live in the house. I listen. I'm not opposed to that one bit. So, Rachel, where are you at? What do you think you're going to do here?
I really like the birdbath idea and probably coupled with this call, if it's ever aired, let him know where my head was. And so, I mean, this would not be a super surprising conversation to him. But I think the birdbath, sort of a dedication, a representation of. And you could have something engraved in there kind of sweet. I know we're about to close on this and this is not my style to do this. Go, Jay.
Be vulnerable. I'm real... Fun show for fun guys. It's a tough show sometimes for tough guys. No, it isn't. Sometimes it's a vulnerable show for vulnerable fellas. It's never been that. Sometimes we take it down. Sometimes we take it down. This is the first time we've taken it down and I don't think it's working. Kevin, cut the taking down bit. So...
So here's the other pitch. And Gareth recently hasn't been doing the crazy one, so I have to do him. That's crazy that you feel like that. Have you had a crazy pitch? I like your pitch. So here's my crazy pitch, but I actually have to say it to you. Go.
I kind of think you should go to a sanctuary and get baby crows that have been abandoned and raise them in your house like parakeets. That is, that is, I am shocked. I haven't, the only reason I haven't pitched that is because I just don't, are you ready to take on? No, she's not. But you also just lost your dog and you just moved. And this isn't about you. It's about Mark.
And so if you get a baby crow that needs a family, well, you just turn that new house into a home. I have another pitch. Go. But let's hear your response to that, Rachel. So we do have cats and they're indoor outdoor and they have brought in birds before. Okay. So the cats will kill it. All right. Ready? Yeah. One word. Parrot.
Oh, my God. Parrot. Okay. Let me tell you a little something about parrots. First of all, I do a joke about this. Let me tell you what you're not going to have to do with the parrot, Rachel. You're not going to be grieving the parrot. These things live to be 140. They live forever. You have to have a child in order to will it to some being. Okay. You're also, we're talking about a house bird. Yeah. Domesticated. Paint it black. And don't listen to Jake. I don't think he made it through the spray paint. I
I should have put a mask on him. But also, I mean, we're talking about a lively, communicative bird. You know, there could you could try to pair it up. So I've got a question on that, Rachel. Are you sure it's crows or is it just big bird?
No, it's crows specifically. Okay. All right. Yeah. So then I'm going to say our advice sounds like it's the bird bath. It's the bird food. There's a turn where Garf was saying maybe go ask around at sanctuaries. I'm really pitching. Maybe find one that
is already wounded, that just needs like two weeks to six weeks of care that your husband can do so that when you release it, you're releasing it into the yard. But the floor is yours, fan of the dollop. Minx too. She called it the Minx. It's just Minx, so she's not a fan. She just saw photos of me in 70s clothes. We all have. It was a big press campaign. More people saw the pics than the show, God damn it. Well, I mean... So...
Rachel, what are you going to do here? I really like the birdbath idea, so I'm going to go with that. Okay. And I think Jake was leading before he decided that you should bring a family of crows in your house. A really nice sort of, if you can, maybe get some sort of inscription on there that's sweet to mark. Make it sweet. Happy birthday. Yeah. You know, like something like that. Crows are loyal. You're my crow. Mm-hmm.
Yeah. Like a crow will always stick around. So, yeah. Something like that. Yeah. Crows stick with you from the good and the bad. I know how valuable a loyal partner can be. I hope you find one here too. Ooh, Garfman. One word, sweetness. Yeah. See? Sometimes it can be sweet, guys. Thank you very much for the call. Thank you, Rachel. Let us know. Hope it works out. You bet. Bye-bye. Bye. Bye.
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Hi everyone, hope you're having a nice day. This follow-up is from episode 31 titled Crap Rat. It is from November 30th of last year, and if you'd like to listen for a quick refresher, go for it. Okay, enjoy the follow-up. Garfman, you want to take this over? Hi, yes, welcome back. We know we're having a follow-up. We don't know who you are or what you called about the first time, so maybe bring us up to speed.
Sure. I'm Caroline from Indianapolis, but you guys might remember me better as Crap Rat Mom. Oh, wow. What a great title you have, Crap Rat Mom. I'm proud of it. So to recap on this one, your son wanted to be referred to as Crap Rat, and he wanted to do it at school, and he couldn't get away from that name. Is that correct?
Yes, sure. Yes. Wait, sure. What have I done wrong? No, he, well, I called you guys initially because he was really scared to start kindergarten and you helped me realize I, I was scared for him to start kindergarten. And then we did end up talking about the more,
the more interesting problem of crap rat. Yes, I remember that. We were like digging and we were like, okay, this is kind of interesting. And then you reveal the detail as a throwaway that he likes to be known as crap rat. And we were like, back up. So walk us through what's going on with little crap rat. Yeah, how's our boy? How's kindergarten? Are the other kids calling him Mr. Rat? Where are we at here? Hey, crap. Yeah.
Well, I am in some ways sorry to report that Crap Rat has sunsetted with your help. We gave the wrong advice. It was good advice. No, it wasn't. So how did you do it? What happened? Take the lead. So pretty much the first time I tried to lean in and be part of it, that kind of got him over it pretty
pretty close. It became cool. Once you liked it, he was like, that's not cool. Is that true? You started calling it. And he was like, oh, this is the worst. He was just done with it. Yeah, like, hey, Crap Rat, you want to come play? He was like, no. Call me Greg. That is so funny.
And so deeply parenting. Yeah. My kids were really into makeup and all that stuff, and we really tried to raise them. I was like, hey, if you want makeup or army clothes, who cares? And all they wanted was like,
makeup, heels, all this stuff. And at first I said to my wife, I was like, I don't want to go down this direction. They're like five years old. And she goes, whenever you try to stop it, it'll get bigger. And whenever you lean in, it'll fade away. And that is exactly it. As soon as I take an interest in something that they think is kind of like cool or edgy,
I instantly take away the cool. Instantly, you're like, they're like, I really like this. And I'm like, that is cool. And they're like, I've never liked it. You know, I used to do that as a kid. You know what? Never mind. I actually hate this. Right on. Cool. Cool. That's what I was thinking, too. Couldn't be lamer. Couldn't be a worse vibe. What should we look for next? Yeah, exactly. Now, does Oscar have any new nicknames on the horizon? Anything new? Jit breath.
I mean, he's like, Crap Rat's really cool. Oscar's even cooler. So he's always into something. His new thing, he's got real friends now in kindergarten. Before that, he had a lot of imaginary friends. But yeah, now he has real friends and they like to dig for pirate treasure on the playground and sneak at home. Then I have to think of ways to get it returned to the school because it's part of their garden beds. But
But sure, he's doing really, really well. Good. Yeah, it sounds like he's yeah, he molted out a crap rat. Well, I don't know how you feel, Jake, but I feel like you'll how old is Oscar again? He's five. He'll be six in about a month, but he's still five. So you're not this. I don't know much, but I guess you're going to run into other issues with with Oscar, who I will always be crap rat to me, if I'm being honest. Yeah.
But when and if you do, you have an open line here. We're invested. We would not mind trying to help. We can only do things if he's got like stupid nicknames like crap rat. If it's like stuff in school. Oh, yeah. Keep it away from you. Remember, you helped me with the real stuff, though. You truly did help me. Like, honestly. Yeah, it was very helpful.
Well, I think we owe a big thank you to ourselves for doing that. And what was the advice Gareth helped you with? Did he say grow a 70s bush? Why are you, Jake? Why are you coming to me? Jake, we got to win, and now you want to talk about the MVP? What's going on? Well, because I brought up the Bears. Yes, you did.
So before we started this call, Jake started bringing up sports, and now he's coming into the call a little bit more animated. I just got to get nasty. Carolyn, we appreciate the call. We're very happy about what's happened with Crap Rat. Let's take a moment of silence, everybody, for Crap Rat. Can we all just take five seconds to pour one out for one of the all-time great little kid nicknames? So RIP, Crap Rat. We love you. Heads down.
All right. Rest in power. Rest in power. All right. We appreciate the call. Thank you. Thank you. Bye. Bye.
We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKean. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.
The album artwork is by James Fostyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fostyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.