76: Bathroom Trash is Private with Hannah Simone
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Three, two, one, action. And we are back. All right. Jake.

Just talking about which story should I regale people with in the intro, man. There's so many options. Yeah, you were talking about it for sure. Yeah, and that's a good way of putting it. We have a special one today. We really do. For you, for me. Yeah, for the audience, I hope. For the audience. Something that I didn't realize about our guest, she told Kevin and after we were texting and she told us, she doesn't do podcasts. No.

She does her own when she doesn't. From New Girl, you knew her as Cece. Miss Hannah Simone joins the podcast, crushes it like she always does, and then we have a great chat afterwards, which was really fun to do. Yeah, there was a lot I did not know. Same with me. Yeah, it was very interesting. It was really fun to talk to her. She's really fun on it. So for the New Girl fans, I think it will be a treat.

I know it was for me. And for me. And for you. Again, I know that I make everything about myself. But she... And the Brian scene. Yeah. Yeah, we were all working together that day on New Girl. I don't think Hannah was there. She was there. Is that true? Yes, it's true. I tried to bring that up, but you guys were talking about all the other episodes. But, you know, there's...

Did she, and I'm not saying this to be mean, we're now back to making it all about you when it should be about Hannah. It is about Hannah. No. What a great person. What a great chat. What a great episode. She's great. Did she remember that she had done a scene with you? I don't think that anyone was picking up on that. I don't either. I thought the scene was just you and me and Lamorne directing. I know.

No, because we were at a daycare. Yes, I remember that. And I had a call with Max. So if you want to know the truth, Jake, on that day, Lamorne was directing. You and I were acting. Hannah was there, too. And Schmidt and Brian had a call. But the most important character from the show, Zoe, you did not interact with. No. That's why...

History forgot you. That's the wrong thing to say. Anyway, she's great. She's really great. It's a great episode. I'm happy to have her. Yeah. Watch, subscribe. Yeah. Click the link below. Click the link below if there's a link. If you're listening, just try to touch the windshield. Check us out on all the stuff, anywhere your podcast is available. Yeah, and smash the like button. That's what we... Destroy it. And from everybody international, once I did the... Oh, also...

Kevin, you have something you want to add? Yes. Everyone, we're so appreciative of all the emails you give us. Does it feel like it with your tone? Two that we're seeing a lot of that maybe we can mix it up with is wedding advice and prank advice. If that's your first thought, maybe send us your second, and you're much more likely to get on the show. Thank you. We love you. I just got a sense of what it's going to be like to be Kevin's child. Horrible. And he's going to go...

You know your mother and I love you very much, but your grades and your behavior. I'm screwed. Yes. Have been problematic. So let's make an adjustment. We're going to take the air out of the basketball and then you can play with it. We love you. Thank you. All right. Goodbye. Okay. Hannah Simone without further ado. Hi, can we get your name please? Hi, how you doing? Good. How are you? You guys can call me TJ. TJ. Where are you calling from TJ?

I'm from Grand Rapids, Michigan. Nice. And about how old are you, TJ? I am 29 years old. 29. So, TJ, you're here with Gareth and I, as always. But then a star. Nice.

From the show Not Dead Yet. But another show that you might know better than I know her from, Miss Hannah Simone, a.k.a. Cece from New Girl. The old friend is back with her. No way. Yeah. You got Hannah. Hey, TJ. All right. Relax, TJ.

So TJ. Seems very excited. I got to say. He's moving his collar. You know what it really sounded like? It was, he got a little bit nervous. Yeah.

And he wasn't with the old J.D. Garf. No, nothing. Still got it. Still got it. You still got it, girl. All right, so TJ, what's the problem? The floor is yours. What can we help you with? Yeah, so I'll lay the groundwork for you. As you may know, last week was 420. Yes. And I decided to celebrate. I took what I consider, for me, a hero dose of gummies. I usually take like 10 to 20 milligrams. I took 150. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

TJ. To see what happens. So are you calling to say it hasn't stopped yet? Yeah, I was going to say you're still hot. That is a wild dose. That's a lot, TJ. 150? Yeah. Are you sure? Yeah, yeah. That would be a fun call. Yeah. What if right now he just looked like a gummy bear himself? He turned into a gummy. Yeah, so here's the problem. All right, so TJ on the 20th.

You're a guy who lives in the 10 to 15 milligram world of gummies. You said, I want to take a hero's dose. You went 150 milligrams. Yes, sir. Floor is yours. All right. So I went to the bathroom. I'm not sure if this has ever happened to you guys, but I kind of got like locked in the mirror in the bathroom. I was staring at myself for a while. Window was open. Um,

get the fresh air in there. You know, I wasn't thinking about it and put in some eye drops once I saw how red my eyes were. And outside of our bathroom window, you can get like, we have a yard kitty corner to us that can kind of see into the window. And I heard a group of neighbor kids watching me as I was staring at myself in the mirror. This is our first drug call. That surprises me. It might be. It surprises me too. Just kidding.

Genuinely shocked. Really? Yeah. I thought this would be the wheelhouse. I did too. No, Kevin curates it for the guests. Oh. What you trying to say about me right now? Exactly, woman. Slow down. Slow down. You're the druggie, not me, mom. Gummy mummy. Okay, so you got some kids who are looking at you. Yeah, and I heard them.

I heard him talking. They're like, Ooh, he's using eye drops. That means he's high. Like, Oh, it's four 20. Yeah. He's high. And like, Oh, that man stared at himself for too long. So like, uh, I dropped to the floor. I closed the curtain. He's paranoid. I went back to the base. Okay. Okay. No, but I was scared. Okay. Hunter,

150 milligrams. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So I guess I have a couple of questions. I kind of, maybe it's the drugs, but I kind of feel like I owe them an apology. Is there in a way? Let me, I'll jump in right now. It's the drugs. Hold on. Hold on. I'm not even sure there was kids watching you. To be quite honest. Well, they were kids that were dressed like it was the 1880s. Those were trees. They were a top.

- They were just trees. - Yeah, there was like three trees together. Those were little boy trees. - That's it. - I'm so sorry. - Okay, so TJ, you, just so we can catch up to this hallucination.

You took 150 milligrams. You're looking at yourself in the mirror. Your eyes are fucked up. You then see kids looking in the window. They see you. You have a panic attack. Drop to the floor. Now this is wheelhouse. Yeah. The panic attack, the crawl to the basement. And then you're now going a couple of days later, you sobered up. I hope you're feeling back to normal and you go, I should say something.

Yes. Is there something I can say that's not weird? No. Do they maybe think I'm cool? No. Do I get stupid or anything like that? No. Okay, so hold on. Nobody thinks you're cool and there's nothing you can say to establish that you looked great. Well, first of all, how old are these kids? I would say probably between the ages of like...

Six and 14. I've seen them around the neighborhood. What time of day did this happen? This is a guy in his 20s. Yeah, well, this was a Saturday. Please don't approach a six-year-old. By the way, pre-kids to me, if you would have said, if I saw a group of kids and you would say, how old are those kids? I'd go anywhere between two and 50.

Honestly, no idea. Are they in school? Any school between first grade and graduate school? Maybe teachers? I don't know. All I know is they were kids and they're younger than me. That's all I know.

I need to talk to your six-year-old about what he saw me doing in the bathroom last Saturday. Tripping on drugs. Please stay away from these children. So about how many kids? We're just trying to get, we're trying to figure out, TJ, what of this has happened and what of this was heightened in the world of 150 milligrams? Yes. Sure. What was drug induced? Yeah, maybe drug induced. Have you seen these children before? Yes. Are these neighborhood kids? Yes.

Yeah, yeah. I've seen them like when I do yard work and they're in their yard, like I'll see them. So, you know, I walk my dog around the neighborhood. I'll see them. OK. And do you have the kind of dynamic when you see these kids? Do you say hi? You wave. I'm high. It's a wave. But that's that's the extent of the interaction. Just a friendly wave. OK. And they saw you.

So if they knew it was 420 uterine eye drops, they're not six. If they're six, those are the coolest six years I've ever heard of in my life. Pass the duchy, bro. So the kids understand weed culture a little bit. So my guess is you're looking at 10 to 14.

Maybe 12 to 14. Yeah. So it's a different story than six. Yeah. But these are neighbors. I mean, siblings, like there were some younger ones that may have been with their siblings, like a couple, couple houses in the neighborhood in the back. But you were being laughed at from kids because the drugs were on top of you. And you're a little bit embarrassed by that.

Yeah. Okay. It's okay. All right. You're getting a little emotional, and that's okay. This is the same space. No, that's the truth of it. The 150 milligrams are still in my guy. Yeah. But I'm with you, TJ. I get it. I don't know if you can explain to someone who doesn't take edibles. 150 is insane. So much. Okay. So the specific question here, TJ, is...

If you do drugs by yourself and it gets on top of you and you look at yourself in the mirror and you're seen by neighborhood kids who tease you, do you owe them some sort of an explanation? And if so, what? Is that the question? That's my question. Thank you.

Thank you. I think it's a great question. It's a great call. And I think it's actually more complicated than you two guys want to make it seem. Really? Yep. You guys are both, no, you're cool. But imagine you've taken drugs and don't pretend you haven't. You drug addict! This is what I think needs to happen. Real talk. Okay, TJ. Now she's going real talk. Now we're getting real here. Before everybody gets silly on you. I think, TJ, you got to go like...

Michael Jackson, Man in the Mirror. Go back there. Go back to the mirror. Look at yourself dead in the eye and be like, I'm in my late 20s. I got to get my shit together. Talk to that guy. Talk to that guy and finish. You know what? Draw the blinds next time. You're talking to six-year-old neighborhood boys and you said go MJ? Yeah.

I don't know. You know what? Go over to the house and ask them if they can play with a llama in your yard. Let's get real. Go to the neighborhood, boys. Be Michael Jackson and do what comes natural. Look, I'm going to go next door and pull a Michael Jackson and ask if the six-year-old could spend the weekend with me. It was a Man in the Mirror reference where you guys went. Where you went, young lady. It's disgusting. Hi, I took a bunch of drugs last weekend and your children saw me. Can they stay with me for the summer? Ha ha ha ha.

So TJ, Hannah's first thought is maybe go back in the mirror. That's right. Ask yourself, it's not about the kids, but what's going on. That's right. Her wife.

weird way of getting there was to pull a Michael Jackson in 2020 man in the mirror. That's all. That's all I was saying. There's a lot of men. You guys went left. I was looking at the music. You guys were looking at something else, but she's saying pull a Michael Jackson and ask yourself some questions. Now I'm going to go. The other thing she said before it gets all weird, I'm obviously going to go all weird because look, I'll be honest.

At 29 years old, was I eating gummies? You're goddamn right I was. Oh, yeah. Was it occasionally getting on top of me? TJ, you better believe it was. Was I looking in the mirror going, hey, cowboy, where's the horse? Yeah.

because it happens yes was i did i ever have moments where i was very embarrassed and i walked to a tj's uh a trader joe's not this tj and the drugs were on top of me and i realized people are staring at me and i'm holding a frozen pizza and i haven't moved in 45 minutes that happened during new girl so my thing is to you is

I genuinely think you do owe him something. What? What? Yes. But I don't think it's a formal apology, TJ. I think it is. Don't do that face. Leave the children alone. I'm not talking about the six-year-olds. I'm not talking about the kids. I'm talking about the kids sniffing teenage years who know about 420, who probably do drugs themselves.

Okay. Okay. He said six to 14. All right. What's your pitch? What are you going to say? My pitch is something in this zone, TJ. I can't wait. Well, I mean, look, I don't have a finish. I need help on the finish. I have a start. All right. Walk us through it. My start would be something of the extent of when you see the older kids there, not the young ones. If you see a six-year-old, don't pull a Hannah Simone, Michael Jackson. Okay.

Get away from the kids. If they're under 10, let kids be kids. Moonwalk away. But we're talking about if you got the older kids, the kids who knew what you were doing, I think you got to walk up and go, fellas, the other day you guys saw me in the mirror, huh? Doing the eye drops. And they'll go, yeah. And go, sorry, you saw that. I should have closed my blind. 420 got on top of me. Didn't mean to weird you guys out.

Are you sure that they knew you were doing drugs? TJ? Like, are you sure that because you could have just been really high, super paranoid. All you were doing is eye drops in a bathroom mirror. But TJ. It's a tell. We all know you're on drugs. No, no, no. It's not a bad giveaway. He's got a pollen allergy. TJ said. Yeah, I had been there for five, ten minutes maybe. So if they had been watching, then they saw me. To Hannah's point.

He took 150 milligrams. There's a good chance that the drugs made him think the kids were seeing. That's what I'm saying. It was probably one kid. So I got a question for you, TJ. Now, because we got to get to planet Earth on this one. Because we could just pitch silly on silly. I need to know for real now.

Because you said two different things earlier. You said you heard them say 420. He's on drugs. I don't want to pitch on something. If you just got high and this is paranoid, who gives a shit? Do whatever you want.

Did you actually hear them or is this you just got paranoid and had a panic attack? If you just got paranoid and have a panic attack, the reality is 150 milligrams is too much, my king. Yeah. Yeah. Let's live in the 25. Yeah. Because guess what? You got it in your 20s. You got to figure out where you live. You don't live at 150. Now, if you were that high and you heard a neighborhood 14 year old go,

he got too high and all the kids laughed and little kids saw a 29 year old. You're a grown ass man, TJ. Then there might be something that needs to happen. We just need to know what the reality is that happened on four 20. So walk us through what really happened that night in the mirror on the 150. Hmm.

Okay, so I am in the basement watching a movie, melted into the couch, having a nice time. What movie?

Princess Mononoke, Studio Ghibli, animated movie. Respect. You're speaking English, right? Are you on an edible right now? You just put us all at 150. Every audience member just went, did I eat the fucking edible? Princess Mongoli, you know, a Ghibli. Okay. So now, TJ, are you solo tonight? This is the 20th. I'm with my wife. Okay, good. She's sober. What a lovely woman. Women are the best. She's not a woman.

A new theme is just... I know. What did you do last night? Well, we ordered in and Greg turned into a puddle. How about you? I had a half of glasses of wine. He had 150 milligrams. I had a Chardonnay and he called the cops and said that he felt bad about something he did to a teacher when he was eight. So you take 150 milligrams, she's sober.

You guys are downstairs. You guys are watching some movie. I'm not even going to try to pronounce. And then you're melting the coal. It's kind of a lovely night. No? You having a good time? For him. For her, it's hot. Yeah, very. Okay, so you guys are both happy. Then the floor is yours. I head upstairs, use the bathroom, pop the window open, get some fresh air. I love it when I'm high. Need it. Okay, all right. Use the restroom. Feels like a commercial endorsement for air. Okay.

I should point out I do have a commercial time with air. Get some air in there. Beautiful, fresh. God, air. I love it. Air. That is. I love this stuff. I use air every day. I should point it out. I stop smoking weed. And TJ, you're making me miss it. I agree. It makes you appreciate things. I agree. Like, you're like. You know what I love? That I have eyebrows. Yeah. Because the sweat is stopping at an eyebrow. Boy, how good is water? Oh.

How good is a seatbelt? This is snug. Okay. All right, you open the window. Yeah, I open the window. I use the restroom. I wash my hands. I'm in the sink. I'm staring in the mirror. I don't know if you ever stared in the mirror when you're really high or in the room, but you can stare at yourself for a long time. And TJ, what are some of the thoughts going on while you were there? Can you walk us through it? It's just like when you make eye contact with yourself, you're like, whoa, this is me, huh? Like that. Hmm.

That in the mirror is me, is what other people see, and that's what I'm seeing, but I can't see it if I'm not in the mirror. And that person always moving, you know, if you had those thoughts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're recognizing yourself as a being. No, no, don't be paranoid. You're a safe space. So you're looking in, you're seeing me, this is me.

I'm tripping out. Then keep going. Yeah. And then I look directly in my eyes, see how red they are. They're cashed. Eye drops as I tilt my head back. Because when I hear the neighbor kid whose yard is like his kitty corner kind of close to us, and that's when I hear them say, ooh, he was staring at himself for a long time. Oh, he's high. That's why he's high. Eye drops. It's 420. Yeah. Okay. And the kid's saying that. Now, ages are important here, TJ. Yeah.

And I know as a guy in my late 20s, I know it's tricky. Sorry, are you you're saying, you know, because one time you were in your late 20s? Mm hmm. Because what are you saying right now? Yeah.

I'm in my late 20s. You geezers. What are you saying? I'm sitting on a couch with a bunch of old people. Oh, it's Jake. I like being around older people. This is my theory is that Jake knew what this call was about and he prepared. Yeah. Yeah. I agree. He's having a great time. I agree. Jake's melted. Saying some wild things. I think 150 milligrams. That eyebrow thing was a real realization that just happened in front of us. Jake got so high. He's 29. That's right. He's got seatbelts on. All right. Okay. Yeah. So...

So there's a big difference, TJ, between six and 14, right? 14 has gone through puberty. Six is a baby. Yeah. So what were these kids? The kids were- And how many? And how many? Because this will change the answer. I don't know how old kids are. Yeah. Fair. Fair.

But, you know, there was a range because, like I said, siblings of older kids. The oldest one must have been around 14, 15. There was a couple little ones. So I assumed six. When I see little, I assume six. Can I just ask time of day? Yeah, good question. Six in the evening. Okay. On Saturday. Yeah, okay. Okay. And so they start laughing. And how does that make you feel, Teej? Not good. No. Never does. Yeah.

I just would like to point out we've just sat here and laughed at TJ loudly as he relives his experience. No, TJ, with you. We're with you. We're with you. We're team TJ. Yeah, so... Team J. They laugh and then you, TJ, freak out. Mm-hmm.

And yeah, and you dropped your stuff. Didn't know what to do. Didn't want to make eye contact. Agreed. So yeah, drop down real quick. So when you army crawl back to the basement, what does wife say? Do you tell her? Yeah. Uh, no, I kind of have to process. Yeah. Uh, what just happened is tracks. Um, I tell her after the movie is done. And what do you say? So I told her this essentially, I like wrote it down after, but I could submit this question to you guys after I told it to her. And what does wife, how does she respond?

- She questioned me also. She questioned if the kids were there. - So good. - This is the female response. - Are you sure there were his shrubs that moved in the wind because of the air and then you had a little bit of a panic attack and crawled back to your wife because you are watching a, am I not wrong that this movie is like a cartoon, right? So there's like little children people in the cartoon

You're 150. Yeah, it's a lot. This may not happen.

have happened. There's a chance. The way that you think it did and everyone's okay, except for you in this moment. Which is why we're here to help. I think it's very possible. Listen, there's a lot of possibilities. You're highly inebriated. It's witness testimony that would be easy to cross-examine. Does your wife know about the paradox you're in now? Does she know that you're feeling this way or did you just save it for us?

Yeah, not really. Yeah, I guess I was saving it for you guys to help because if it's not, if it didn't happen, or if it, excuse me, if it did happen and I convinced myself it didn't happen and then later on I make eye contact with these kids, you know, like they're looking at me weird. TJ, I got two pitches. I think this is going to come down to two roads. One, leave it. Two, repeat it. What is going on with you?

You are. I think it is. Leave it or repeat it. And I think one. I think Jake's just trying to have a side segment. Welcome back to leave it or repeat it. All right. Why? Why? I leave it. I get why repeat it. Because there's. Oh, there's TJ. There's something on every big drug trip, whatever.

There's every once in a while something that gets left behind. There's a soldier that gets left out there, and now you flew home. Something happened in that mirror with those kids that fucking spun you out. So my recommendation is 25 milligrams. Okay. When it hits, melt on the couch with honey this Saturday. Watch a similar movie, the sequel. I'm sure that movie's got nine sequels.

When you're in the second one, go at the same time, set a timer. Ding, ding, ding. Go. I need to go to the bathroom. Go to the bathroom. Look in the mirror. Get back to this is me. Me. This is me in the mirror. See what the fuck happens. If the kids are out there again, you've already opened the window. You got air. You go, how you guys doing?

I'm putting my zine in my eyes because I have allergies. Right? But you got to... You ever seen Flatliners? Boy, not a reference any of us expected when this calls to mind. But you got to go back, man. You got to go back to the trauma. How does that movie end? Through the trauma. You think Julia Roberts dies? You know what, though?

You're actually onto something. I know. When you're walking around the yard doing your yard work, just to yourself, loudly complain about pollen and allergies. You have never confirmed to them that you were high. They made the jump. Yes. And now just go in there, start rubbing your eyes, do eye drops.

in the yard. Sell a new story. You're Mr. Allergy now. Do that and that way you don't have to feel paranoid that now you're like the, you know, the druggie neighbor. You could also say that the pollen's really bad. I've come around. Yeah, so. Do that. TJ, you have three. And I don't think you need the 25 milligrams to do this. Just carry on. He's also a 10 to 15 guy. Stop pushing.

You know what? Take 100. See what happens. So TJ, here's your word. 200. Fuck it. Let's see if you can float. I bet you can levitate. We have three ideas for you. And then we got to hear what you're actually going to do. One, leave it.

Whatever happened in the war, it happened in the war. You're home now to repeat it. And Hannah saying be five to 10 milligrams, but you can't go back to the jungle on five to 10. The chopper took you 150. I think you got to go at least 25. I would actually say between you and me and nobody else. But then get your eyes in those mirrors, lock back in with TJ.

Weird yourself out. Let the air hit you. And if you see those kids, you're going to feel anxiety. You open the window. You go, the fucking allergies are killing me, guys. Three, just become the neighborhood allergy man. Like Hannah said. That's what I'm saying. Four, Hannah said,

Michael Jackson. I just said man in the mirror. Okay. But so those are your real top three, TJ? Yeah. Become Michael Jackson. Become Michael Jackson. What do you think you're actually going to do? Because this is a tough one. Yeah. So I probably do too. I will repeat it just because that sounds like a fun experiment. Yeah, I agree with you. But what MGs are you going here? Probably.

Probably 20, 25-ish maybe. That's going to be a good long stare in the mirror, I think. Sure, yeah. But I'm also going to lean into the allergies and go kind of with what Hannah said, not the Michael Jackson stuff. MGs, not MJs. That's what we say. Yeah. Okay, so you're going to start becoming the neighborhood allergy guy? Yeah. Boy, what an era you're entering. And then TJ. Hey, nerd. Ha ha ha.

Are you going to sneeze, nerd? I'm high. He has to go back to the other way. He's like, I want to be the cool stoner. I want to be the cool stoner. He calls back up. How do I become the cool stoner? Hey, I got to put the allergy thing back in the bottle. I don't want to be the allergy nerd anymore. I'm a high guy. So, TJ, when you hit those 20 to 25 milligrams, you're back in the mirror. Now, put yourself there for a second, okay? You're in the mirror.

I'm TJ. TJ's me. This is how people see TJ. The air feels good. Those little kids are on the corner. Okay? The older ones. So can you see them in your head right now? Yeah, I got them. What are you going to say to them? I'm going to sneeze real loud a couple times and really sell the allergy. Let's hear it. Yeah.

Yeah, window's open, so, you know, plate up, pollen's coming in. Maybe two or three bigger than that, probably. I'm in the conference room at work, so I can't go too big. And then lean out the window. Damn, allergy season, right, guys? Oh, TJ, I don't know.

I got worried about you there. Yeah? Yeah, I got worried about you. Just simplify. Simplify. Just say like pollen muttered under your breath. Yeah. Do I rub? Oh, okay. I wouldn't do two weird fake sneezes and then go, hey, allergies. I think lean more in the Hannah direction of...

over eye dropping whenever you see these kids. Yes. And you can do a little muttering. You know, think of the long con versus the one strike. Yeah. And so I'm going to life now. I'm going to make an amendment now on what I was pitching you after hearing it, because I don't want you in a bad zone.

You become Mr. Allergy Man all the time sneezes. Whenever you walk by those kids, literally sneeze and put Visine in your ass. You could also do a, like, if you see the kid, honey, where's my Allegra? Yes. Claritin. I can't find the Claritin. Good Lord. Kleenex. What's that? Kleenex. Kleenex. Yeah, use Kleenex. We love Kleenex. So always have Kleenex with you. But I do also think, man, you got to go back to the belly of the beast and

I think you got to go 25 or Moss. You got to get in that mirror and that soldier that dropped to the floor. You got to walk out of that bathroom high. And I don't mean the drugs high. I mean, on two feet, because something happened to you in that panic attack army crawling down to the basement to your wife that we got to get you back on two feet. You're right.

Something changed me. Something changed you. I can do better. You can do better. Guess what? You want to know how many times young kids have laughed at me? Couldn't count. Oh, God. And you want to know why? They had every reason to. Yeah. I was doing something weird. I looked up. Some kids were looking at me. They laughed. You just can't fall to the floor and army crawl to your wife. You got to just...

If you're a guy who's taking 150 and having a, this is me in the mirror, you got to walk out of the bathroom with your shoulders up high, right? Everything else is high. Get the head held that way. Yeah, now we just got to get you off that army crawl, DJ. But maybe leave the kids alone. If they're laughing at you,

Don't yell out the window at them. Don't fake sneeze. You're allergy bomb. Gosh darn allergies. Am I right, youth group? What do you think of that, TJ? I think that's a great plan. I really appreciate you guys talking me through this. You're a good man. All right. Will you follow up with us after your next session? Yeah, definitely. Because I want you walking. And I don't want a five milligram or where you're in control of it. That grass has to get on top of you.

And then when you're starting to have that panic, you got to go like, I am TJ. This is me. I am TJ. This is me in the mirror and walk out of there. Shoulders held high. Yeah. And worst case, when they're looking at you, just sing man in the mirror. That's what I'm saying. Thank you. Thank you. TJ.

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This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Booking.com. Booking. Yeah. So people are traveling a lot during the summer. And if you're looking for a place to stay, go to Booking.com. Stylish hotels, family-friendly resorts. I told you yesterday, Jake, I was driving back on a brutal trip.

and needed to get a hotel on the fly for one night. And bing, bang, boom, baby. Booking.com. I'm booking a family trip to New York as we speak, and I'm using booking. Yeah.

Truly just makes booking a place to stay so easy. So go to booking.com and get yourself a great place. The right stay can make you a fan of any U.S. city. Book today on booking.com on the site or in the booking.com app. Hello. Hi. Can we get your name, please? Oh, my goodness. This is Lake. Lake. OK. Where are you calling from, Lake?

I am calling from New Jersey. New Jersey. And did you ever watch New Girl? Can I just tell you that New Girl was like my go-to show for a very long time. Oh, that's really sweet. And how does that make you feel, Hannah Simone, our guest in today's episode? Hello!

No way. Oh, my God. You've got Gareth and you've got Brian, the security guard. Hello. Yes, that's right. You remember. And then you've got the great. This is the reunion. This is the freaking reunion of the Brian. The crowd's asking for a reunion. They got it. Let's do the scene. This is wild.

- Oh my God. - Last season, Dana. - Oh, yeah. - So Lake. - You're acting, I can see, very good, very good. - What can we do for you? - So, I have a situation and when it happened, I said, "Derek and Jake are the only people "that can help me with this situation." - That's bad. - And, and. - I mean, I'll show myself out.

But she didn't know, but now you also got Hannah Simone. It would have been weird for her to say it then. If she said Gary and Jake and actually Hannah Simone. That would have been perfect. That would have been a dream. Okay, so what's going on? That's okay. No sorries. So my husband and I have a three-year-old son. And a couple weeks ago, my mother-in-law, who I love, was watching our son at our house for us.

I think this is probably common with some adults. When people come over, I sort of just throw everything into my room. I don't want anybody in the master bedroom. Just, I will clean where guests will see. So I guess while he was asleep for his nap, she took it upon herself very generously to do some chores around the house and went into our bedroom.

Hold on, Lake. That's out of control. It's an out of control chore. This is an out of control move by mother-in-law. It gets crazier. All right, let's party. So anyway, so she went into our bathroom and the door was open. And on the ledge in our shower, there were a couple of adult boys there. Walk us through. What is it? Just drying up.

One of which is a clone of Willie. Oh, boy. Hold on. What? You mean, is that a spin-off of Free Willie? Clone Willie? Can I guess? It's called Clone Willie. Can I guess? Yeah, guess. I'm going to guess, and this guess might be crazy because I don't see the point of it, but it is your husband's penis made into a sex toy. Is that right? That's what I guess, too.

You pretty much nailed it. Do you have access? Do you have access to penis? I swear to God, I feel like my wife would want any other penis. I know. I'm like, I got you a gift. My dick again. She's like, I've been loving it for 20 fucking years. How about a non-jig dick? That'd be fun. Can I also get a non-jig personality and face? That I want to fuck. I'm looking for a clone, Willie, and just a Willie, Willie.

Terrible gift for a partner to give another one. But how do you clone? You have to send in a picture? You got to send in a mold? It might be 3D. To be fair, we did that for a good reason. When we were dating and we were young and things were fun and we didn't have a kid, he is a state trooper. And when he was in the police academy, he was gone for six months. So I was like...

He's been gone for a long time. So to be fair, I had a good reason for doing that. Okay, I got you. He left a little piece of himself behind. May I ask, why is the clone Willie out now, all these years later, when you have access to him?

Because his personality is terrible, but he's got a great cock. After the kid, I can't fuck this guy. But I'm horny. What an honor. That is not what I said. We have the quote right here. So there's a clone Willie drying in the shower.

And my mother-in-law saw it. And that means that she saw his cock. Yeah. And then what happened? Well, so she made a comment like, oh, I took out the trash for you guys. And she had taken out the trash that was in our bathroom and sort of said it was like a slow, like, and there was some other stuff in there. And so I just said, thank you so much for doing that. You didn't have to do that. And, but,

My question is, do I address it? Do I bring it up? Do I leave it? What do I do? Before we, yeah, this is a good one. Before we start, Hannah, did you have something you wanted to say that you're still processing? I'm done. I have so many questions about how you make a clone, Willie. Like I'm kind of stuck there right now. Like I just, I'm in that space at the moment. I've never heard of it. It seems wild to me. Yeah. Okay. So back to your mother-in-law though.

Did she say it in a way where she was like making eye contact? Like I saw something. Yes.

Yes. Slow speaking, eye contact. Okay. Yes. What she was saying with her eyes was, I saw my son's dick in there. But she doesn't know it's his dick. But how would she know it's her son's dick? Yeah, she doesn't know. Fine. Then all she said was, I saw a dick. She saw a dick. I was babysitting my grandson. I was trying to help out.

You're fucking dildos hanging up in the shower. I want to let you know, let's never have that happen again. Right? Yeah. And I got to tell you, like, it's out of control. She went into your bathroom. Yeah, it is. It's wild. But here we are. But here we are. So we're on your side. But if she were calling, I would say, Mom. Yeah. You're nuts. Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries. I have a question and a pitch. Okay.

My question is, and I think I know this, it is like, what's it made out of? Weird question. I'm just not sure why that matters besides for weird reasons. You'll see in a minute. And would it fit in my mouth? And also, what's the link? Stainless steel. What's the link and is it weird to get one of your own to just have? No.

Hello, caller, are you there? Can I fly with it? In my butt. Would it be weird to put my cock in my butt while flying? Hello, caller, are you there? Question for you, if I made a mold of my dick and put it in my butt, how would you judge me? Is it strange to give Jake mine for Christmas? We, by the way, we just found each other our gifts. Oh my Christ, no we didn't. Okay.

Here's my pitch. She saw it. Yeah, it is what it is. I don't think you can directly be like, hey, I know you saw your son's cock the other day in our shower. I think what you should do is the next time she's hanging out for a minute, explain that. Make it sound like it was a gift from a bachelorette party that you went to. That's interesting. Make it sound like somehow organically bring up the gag gift, which was this weird bar of soap.

You know how those things are. Yes. Everything's a penis. So I had all this penis accoutrement. But there's a lot of good ways to set up the idea. That goes back to the first call of the allergy man. Yeah. You're creating a distraction of the gag gift gift. Like I've got a lot of gag gift. Question for you, like before we get into this, what's your instinct?

What are you kind of deep down leaning towards? Do you want to bring this up with mom? No, no, I don't want to bring it up with her. But I did not consider the fact that she may have just thought that it was a dildo in my head. I was like, he's 100 percent certain that she just saw.

a mold of her son's penis. No way. Does it say clone Willie on it anywhere? No, it doesn't. No, she doesn't know it's his cock. But I get her irrational fear. Sure. Well, it's because you know. And then once you know something, that's all you know it as. Yeah. What does your husband say? Does he know that this happened? I...

I think I just told him, like, your mom went into our bathroom today and there was stuff out. And he, like, sort of blew it off. And he's like, can I come home? I'm tired of this apartment. This is good spaghetti. It's been different living alone. There's two Budweiser's and mustard in the fridge. Can I come home?

If you like that little Willie, how about the whole me? Get out of here. I got one that has a human attached to it. A loving being. Who's a little creativity and joy. And who's also going through a pretty sad period. So, all right. So you're not, cause my instinct on this one would be, we got it. We got to face the bull head on. Of course. That's your instinct. But it really, what does that mean? Bring it up to her.

Yeah. I like that Hannah's reactions here. I love watching Hannah's reactions throw you a little. Just say nothing. Really? But hold on. Well, the mother-in-law is not saying anything. And then her own son, who is aware of the situation, is going like, this is a nothing burger. Yeah, but Hannah, hold on. You've got a very handsome partner. Yeah. Hunk. Sure. Good looking guy. Yeah. You want a mold of it? Yeah.

Let's say you made a mold of that thing. No, I'm asking you, Jake. I would love one. You're really leaning into it. Let's walk you, because you're very casual. I wouldn't bring it up, Pat. No. Hold on. You had a big old mold of it. Big old emphasis. Okay, stop. It's in your bathroom. You've thought about this before, is what I'm realizing. Yeah. A lot. Yeah, obviously. It's in your bathroom. His mother comes to your house. You put it in your master bathroom. It's not on the living room table.

She goes through it, sees it, and then gives a very passive aggressive. I threw some things out from your bathroom. Yeah. Letting you know, clean up after yourself. Okay. You just put sauce on it though. Like, like did she put sauce on it when she said it? Or was she kind of just like, I saw something. Was it more just a little like, Ooh, or was it like, I saw something like you just did it. Yeah.

So I'm wondering if I was maybe like overanalyzing. In my head, she was like, eyebrow up, direct eye contact. That's what I'm saying. They took some trash out in your shower, or your bathroom, I mean. She had some sauce on her. And what I saw was... So what's the subtext here? She's judging you. Bathroom trash is private anyway. Agreed. But she's...

It is. You ever see someone's bathroom? Bathroom treasure is private trash. I agree. I totally agree. That is where you're like, look, this is buried treasure. No one can know my bathroom secret. I agree. Bathroom treasure is private is a great line.

That's a great shirt. It feels a little strange to think that the mom-in-law is going in there purely innocently. I agree. It feels almost like a mom, like, I was cleaning your room and I found drugs under your mattress. That's exactly right. I was reading your diary entry and I found out that you smoked a cigarette. That's right. Hold up. Hold up. So now, Hannah, where you're at now. So there's already a plan that exists for this in our situation, my husband and I's situation, which is when it's your family and something comes up that feels tricky. He deals with it.

You deal with it because it's always going to be way easier hearing it from your kid than the daughter-in-law or the son-in-law. That's clean. So guess what? Tell your husband, this is making me feel uncomfortable. I feel a little bit weird, but I trust you to know your mom better because

you can you figure this out even if does that rule apply in your house if your mother-in-law gives you the sauce sure oh really yeah so you'll go like well yeah that's like we're the partners in it and i'll go like i didn't understand the reaction i felt kind of weird will you help me through it and if my family gets weird and does weird stuff to him i got you interest i like that so what do you feel about that like of

He came out of her. Let him deal with it. That's right. Hot potato. That is it is a good idea. That is not something that my husband's going to do. OK, then if he knows that, if he knows she's cool, then I think you have to trust the thing to be like, it's cool. And I think it's more about now instead of looking back, look forward and you need some boundaries. So I have a pitch. I think the end of that, I agree with. But I have a pitch.

I think there's certain ways that you could do boundaries in a very polite and nice way. And that is like, this doesn't make me feel comfortable. And sometimes on planet earth, that works. You got the kind of mother-in-law who's sniffing around and then putting a little bit of extra heat on you. We're not talking about a 16 year old babysitter who got confused. This is a grown ass woman who made a move, walked into your room, sniffed around and judged you and went to the bathroom. So you want to know what I do if I'm you?

I start leaving some wild stuff in your bathroom. Oh, boy. It's your bathroom. More clone willies. Get a family of them. I would do dominatrix stuff, but the guy outfits. Oh, God. So she has to go. Oh, my God. There's like a ball gag and like whips and chains where like a woman is doing it to him. So she has to go like, oh, my God, she's killing my son. And then when she finally calls it out, go.

This is our personal stuff. Stay out of our bathroom. So you saw our sex acts. So it's basically like you are catching the rat.

You're putting a little cheese out. You're putting more cheese out. And then finally you're saying when they go like, the cheese you're putting out is weird. You go, get out of my kitchen. But you're putting it out there to give her the reaction. So you're forcing a boundary where she goes, I can't. She'll tell her husband, I can't go in there. The stuff I've seen. What'd you see? Whips and chains. And he's going to go, what are you doing going in there? A full arm and loo. Yes.

There was a bucket of lube that was eight gallons. There was a woman in there in leather just standing. Who said she couldn't talk because Lake would hurt her. Couldn't talk unless I had the mouth key. Now, in terms of this galaxy, because what you're then doing is you're not facing it head on.

Right before you leave, she goes like, don't worry, I got Mason or whatever the kid's name is. I'll watch him. You go, sounds good. You run upstairs. You put some underpants on a watermelon. You put a knife in its head. You put it in your shower. You leave. All the stuff she's dealing with is between her and her. And clearly she's not going to tell her son. So let that disease live within their family until she stops going in your bathroom.

It's insane. Obviously, this is like you've really got the Goldilocks here. You've got three very different heats. Yeah. I would add to my pitch, you could have your husband drop that you went to a bachelorette party and left the accoutrement around. Yeah. But that's I'll walk away. I mean, so I like all of the pitches. So here's where we're at. Like, you've got the bachelorette

pitch, which is just you bring up to her casually. So many penises. Yes. I went to this thing. They gave me all these penises. Good Lord. Right. Do you need a penis pencil? I mean, my house is inundated with cock stuff. You didn't see your son's penis in my shower. Do you know? The second one is the Hannah Simone. And that is this isn't my mess. No. So I'm not dealing with it. No. I already got a three year old. Your mom. It's your mess.

I'm very good with boundaries. I'm Hannah Simone. That's right. Then you got Jakey J's. Then you got Jake Johnson. And that is? What happened if meth fell on heroin? That is. You want to get weird with boundaries, honey? Let's get weird. You go sniffing around my attic, I'll give you something to see.

you you want to open the box i'm telling you don't open that you want to open the box yeah you're not going to find a diary entry i promise you that but what you see you're not going to forget and that'll create what you want and that is mom's going i'm happy to watch the kid i don't go in their room i don't like what i see and you go what happens in that bathroom has nothing to do with you yeah so what do you think you're gonna do

So I sort of already thought, because it wasn't just that, there were a few things in there. What else was in there, by the way? Just so we can...

think about it later a couple of things that grown-ups can play with what do they play with they need to have a moment i'm genuinely what do they play with i want to know there were a couple it was no there wasn't monopoly in the shower it was a couple of vibrators a clone of willie what do you want from me sometimes we gotta have fun right yeah i love it so you had three vibrators so it's

So there, yes. So there were a couple of days in there. So it was, also, why are you washing three vibrators at the same time? The day your mother's coming over? Well, listen, come on. Okay. Wait, wait. I should, I should clarify. It wasn't me by myself. Just like ripping through vibrators. Who was using them? We were,

Oh, they me and my husband. OK, OK. There you go. So the night before you guys said you had a session, the mother-in-law might just also have this impression that you guys

aren't having sex and you're just, you know, her son is not being satisfied or you're not interested in him anymore. I mean, and she couldn't be further from the truth because you have a clone of his dick. You want two of her son's dicks. Yeah, that's right. What a compliment. If she only knew. What an honor. If she only knew. But where were you going with that, Hannah? So that the mother-in-law might think that they don't

Yeah, like that might be her concern of why she brought it up because she's kind of going like, is something wrong? Is something going on? Because you've got all these toys and not my human son. And she might be stuck, not enough. Like, what do you think of that? That's an interesting spin. Could the heat have been

Is there something going on in the bedroom? Because it's harder when you have babies. I walked into your cock room. There was a toilet. I don't think the mother-in-law would jump to, oh, my son is using these sex toys. Like, no mother's brain is going to go there. She's going to go, my daughter-in-law is using all these things. Something must be wrong. That's interesting. Maybe she's just concerned. I also did not think of it that way. I was sort of thinking, like, along the lines of what Jake said, like, where she went into the bathroom and she was like, oh, my God, like...

My son and daughter-in-law are doing such crazy things together. Good for them.

I'm never going to go into their bedroom again. I didn't even think that she was like, why does she have so many fucking vibrators? Yeah, that's the thing. I think most mother-in-laws would come and grandma's walking in. If she saw that and was like, oh, they have a healthy sex life, she's not going to say anything. But if she thinks that her son is being iced out, she might be concerned. If my mother walked into my bathroom and saw like three fake vaginas,

And a huge dick. Or no dick. Just three fake vaginas. She would go like this. Like, Jesus Christ. Like, take her out to dinner, Jake. She would go, yeah. She would literally go, have you thought of listening for her once? Asking her a question? Maybe you wouldn't need a plastic vagina. You have a young child. There's a bunch of sex toys. She might just be worried about the health of your marriage. Again, get your husband to go be like, when you walk by, be like, man, she's so hot. Put a hand on the husband. Ooh.

She's so gorgeous. So I have such a crush on her. Just make her feel reassured that your marriage is great and healthy in all the ways. Get him to do it by dropping non-sexual things, but like fun little crush things. And I bet you she'll just go, oh, thank God. Oh, I know. That's a turn, Hannah. So, like, what do you think? This is why I called you guys. That's a turn.

Woman on the couch. The name of your memoir. Yeah, that's right. In all ways. It's where I live. I know that. So happy. So happy. So that's pretty interesting. So like, do you think that this issue is mom might be a little worried about her baby boy? Because guess what happens when the sex leaves? So does the marriage.

Facts. And she's afraid. That's how my first thing ended. It doesn't go well. No, if you're not playing with those dildos, eventually you might be in a little bit of trouble. So what she doesn't know is things are going great with mom and dad. Yeah. Do you think she might be a little afraid? See, this is why I called you guys, because I did not think of that. I automatically assumed that she would have thought that that was her son's dick in the shower. And I automatically assumed that she would have gone, all right.

Never going into their room again. Good for them for keeping things spicy. So can we give a suggestion that you actually try to pull off just to see how this affects it? Can you ask your husband to in front of your mom compliment your looks? If nothing else, it's sweet.

Right? Where all of a sudden, when you pick her up, he just goes like, what a beautiful woman. I'm so lucky. Yeah. And the mom goes like, she'll be happy. My son's happy. And give him like a real kiss. Or. Yes. Like a real kiss. In front of mom. Yeah. After she saw the dildo. Like a real, real kiss. You said a real kiss. And then. With emphasis. And then. After she saw three dildos. Careful what you're telling mom. And then.

And then be like, we're freaks, mama. A loving kiss. Yeah. Shirt, like, just shirts off, loving kiss. Hannah's like, take these bottles off, make eye contact with the mom. Take the fake penis out. You pitched a ball gag. Yeah. Might have been a mistake. A passionate kiss. Might have been a mistake. Is what's getting the reaction too far? I can't. It's hard to kiss with a ball gag. So what do you think about having husband just drop some hints that

that things are going good. Yeah. And see if that's the zone mom was getting in. Okay. That is definitely doable. And I mean, it's not like we act like we hate each other when she's around and then no, he could also ask her, he could ask her opinion on like a bunch of flowers. Which ones do you think you would like? I want to give these to Blake. Yeah.

You know, that might be an organic way. It feels like that could feel like there was also trouble in Paris. Yeah, but then you go, I love her. You got to make sure that it's like fun and flirty. That husband and wife are both like into each other. What do you think of some version of also something hanging in that bathroom of don't go sniffing in my attic?

So you have him compliment you and then just go on eBay and buy one $25 whip. Okay. All right. Just something hanging up that just creates a little bit of panic. Okay.

Yeah, that's definitely doable. So one hanging whip that if nothing else is a funny memory for you and your husband that eventually you could put in like your living room. It's a joke. It's a gag. But a real scary violence. It could be shaped like a whip whip.

So then he's complimenting you. We're fixing that, too. You're just making your bathroom an unsafe place for a mother in law to enter. I would just like to say the only woman on this couch instead of like traumatizing grandma because she's definitely going to go sniff in there again because she feels like maybe there is trouble in paradise. Leave like like some super sexy lingerie. Just something flirting with her.

Kiss in front of her, leave lingerie. What are you doing? Because then you're not wearing that by yourself if you were just sitting there icing at your husband. It's this, thank you.

I get it. Why are you putting sexy laundry on? I understand why you're on like a separate couch. It's a whole other way of thinking. Two reasonable people here trying to like help you through this moment. Just because Gareth agrees with you does not mean it's two reasonable people. You just said put sexy laundry on the ground versus a whip.

No mom is going to want to go in and be like, oh, my son is being whipped by my daughter. So I can't go in there. Then you're going to have to talk about it. He's dating Indiana Jones. But no mom wants to walk in and go like, there's my daughter-in-law's sexy underpants. But then she's going to know that they're like, she'd be wearing it for her husband. And then maybe she'll just back off. Everything is fine. So that is the idea of...

I get it, girl. He doesn't get it. Oh, stop it. You see? All right. So, Lake, in closing, we've given you some wild advice. Will you walk us through what you're going to do here? Yeah, I think, like, having him compliment me or, like, you know, get me some flowers or do something...

Civil wrist in front of her is a good sort of like, not passive aggressive, but just like, hey, we know what you saw, but things are great. Those weren't just her vibrators that she uses by herself. Right. And also just, although this was a few weeks ago and she has not, she's been to the house since and she has not been in that room. Okay. So that may have just been enough. But I mean, I can always throw a whip in there and. Sure. Hope she goes back in and gets scared out of her mind.

So we're going with the husband compliments and a whip in the bathroom. Yeah, that's all doable. Can you do us a big favor? And when you get the whip, can you send us a photo of it hanging in your bathroom? Next to your husband's cock. And we'll, we don't need to see his cock. But it hanging in there and then we can post that along with the episode. Sure. Can I just have one question? Is it weird for me to get a clone Willie of myself just for myself?

Thank you, Lake. Thanks, Lake. I appreciate it. Very body positive. Bye. Yeah, thank you. Bye. Bye, Blake.

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I just want to, like, what? Do you send in photos? It all feels so... Well, I know the way they probably used to do it, and that was the way you do the Hollywood stuff with the mold. Where the way they, like, redo your teeth. So you just have to do a mold kit, and you'd be doing that, and then sending it back? That sounds expensive. I think it is expensive. Molding kits. They do it with a molding kit. Oh, my God, this is real. Clone...

A Willie glow in the dark. Only 42 bucks? I found one that's my size. Penis casting. Yep. The skin tone of your choice. Penis casting. That's how you got on New Girl, right, Jake? Ha ha ha ha ha.

I'm actually looking for a clone of Willie, but for juniors. Neon purple. I want your dick, but I want it neon purple. That looks like a lot of molding. Can I get half that molding? It feels like a lot. So, Hannah, thank you for doing our show. Oh, you're welcome. We appreciate it. Thank you, Hannah. I want to ask you some questions to go back in time a little bit. Oh, okay.

uh we didn't get to do this when lamorne and max for and damon for and zoe first did it but we started interviewing at the end a little bit oh all right and it's been fun it started i think with rain yeah when he came in uh right before he left we were like can we chat a little bit is that because you're a little bit of a fan yeah i'm a fan but this is different

Well, you and I have stayed in very good touch via text. True. So we did not work together a lot. No. So the new girl experience for you, and it was really funny seeing you in here because we do communicate. Yeah. But we don't see each other a lot, and we didn't see each other a lot during that era. We would be around each other, but not the same. What was your arc? Because I know that you were a VJ. I know that you were...

I didn't get that wrong. No, you're right. I was just like, the arc is so strange. Because I remember you and I would always, whenever we've always chatted, it's always been about business and it's always been about lifestyle. Yeah. So that's not the way most actors talk. No? Most actors, it's always process and character. And ours would always be like schedule and where our characters sit. Yeah.

And like you were always mad as like an attractive lady. You had to be like heels and skirts. And I would be in like sweatpants. That's true. I call it the Jake Johnson school of acting. And I remembered it ever since where he's like, always make sure you sit down and have a drink in your hand. Your character should always like to be drinking. Always sitting down is a great idea. So smart. You've become a master of it. Thank you so much. But how do you get New Girl?

So if you walk us through that, like what is that journey in? Oh, my gosh. I mean, I think like the the shortest version of that is that the year before or. Yeah, the year before. Eleven. Right. Right around there. Yes. Slum. Twenty eleven is when we shot our pilot. So is that the twenty ten, I think.

slumdog millionaire had come out and just massive droid at the Oscars. And you're still in London. I was, where was that? No, I was living here in LA. Okay. When did you then first start moving out here? I moved out here in 2008. I was a VJ. And was it, was it thinking acting? Was it sitcoms? Was it comedy? Was it everything?

I knew that I always wanted to be an actor. I had always done it just as my own passion because there was no like opportunities to do it professionally unless you were going to be the butt of the joke or put on a funny accent or do things that I personally couldn't relate to at all and felt like degrading to the culture. So that wasn't my jam. And I'd come from like...

my whole career had been working at the United Nations. I was a human rights and refugees officer. I was working with women and children in refugee camps and traveling around the world. So I had a whole... You go from that to like me, Max, a little more. What a drop off. Yes, I did. You're like, she didn't say much those first few years. I mean, Zoe and you alone, I could see like a little bit like...

You all of a sudden in scenes with Max with me and Lamar walking in the background, you're working with- As Jake's like, these hours are brutal. You're like, hey, buddy. Hey, let me teach you something. Always be in sweatpants. Hey, we're out of the chocolate chip granola, so this is hell. Your character should love M&M's. Have a great day. You walk into a light. Ow!

All right. So keep going. So you're doing real stuff. I've been doing that stuff and I'd always been doing like theater and just stuff for myself that I just enjoyed doing. But what was the in terms of that era of Hannah? Yeah. What was the dream vision?

Was it movies? Was it dramatic? Was it comedy? What was the kind of path? I mean, I always thought, to be honest with you, that I would do drama. I like that kind of storytelling. I really enjoyed it. Yeah.

But yeah, it's kind of was like good people being around good fun people where like the process was like open and we could all contribute. You could have like a seat at the table, have your voice heard. That's kind of who I'd always kind of grouped with and I had enjoyed it. And then I quit being a VJ and I got an opportunity to host a video game reality show, which got me my visa down here. It was eight weeks of work. It paid me more than I'd ever been paid. So I was like, perfect.

No problem. This is wonderful. And then nothing happened. And is that big personality or is that kind of like you're just running through it or are you kind of showing your personality in that? It's just hosting. And I love hosting. So it was really great. I really enjoyed it. Easy work, light work because I enjoyed it. Yeah. And then Slumdog hit. I wanted to act and I would go to my agent and they're like, you have a blank resume. Like no one cares about theater. It's not happening.

So I was like, all right. And there was just no opportunities for like an Indian woman. Unless you were going to be like the joke in like one scene. Or I call it the bit of the like exotic erotic weird thing. You have to just be like this, whatever, just to be stared at in a scene. That also is not my jam. So yeah.

ended up working other jobs down here. Slumdog hit. Then all of a sudden there was like four pilots with all Indian casts. No way. And they were...

shitting themselves because there was no one to who could sit there and carry a network comedy because no one had been given the opportunities such a weird town and i'll never forget getting a call from my agent at the time and he was just like panicked and he was just like you're indian right you're indian how indian are you are you what how much of it is indian and i was like i'm half indian he's like great you have like nine auditions how when you're happening hold on it's happening

That's wonderful. That's exactly right. It was the craziest thing. And I remember going, it was an audition for Outsourced. Okay. And I went in. Outsourced was pre-New Girl. Pre-New Girl. This was the year before for NBC. And I went in and it was like,

All of us. Just all of us that I'd ever met were in the room, and we couldn't believe we were auditioning for leads. Yeah, cool. And it was the wildest thing, and it was with Ken Coapas, who had come from the office, and it was really cool, and it was a weekend of just workshopping, and we were testing, and I didn't book it, and they brought me back multiple times, and this was the part, to be honest with you, that was so frustrating to me, because...

They hired someone else who had a darker skin tone than me. And they were like, we love Hannah so much, but she doesn't look Indian enough. And I was like, this is the wildest thing in the world of why I lost a job. What a swing. It was so crazy. And then I went and auditioned for another pilot called Nevermind Nirvana. And it was Seth Yankovic that was the casting director. No way.

And I went all the way and I tested. I didn't book it. So even though you're not booking these, when you're getting that far, that means you're hitting. Yeah.

You're in a pretty nice groove. You're feeling pretty confident. You're knowing that like, all right. - It was my first auditions. Like it was just the wildest thing. I went from not being able to get in a room to like testing. And so then I didn't book those two roles. Outsource then went and they did a season. - I remember that. - And I was heartbroken 'cause I thought, well, then that's it. - There's my show, yeah. - That opportunity is never gonna present itself again. They wanted specific Indians. And then the next year they were casting New Girl.

And Seth was the casting director. Of course. And remembered me from Nevermind Nirvana and brought me back.

And if I had booked outsourced, I wouldn't have been able to come in for that audition. And I went in and you have to go through all the steps or did you jump forward? Was it a producer session when you started? Do you remember? I don't remember, to be honest with you, what the first one was. I remember I had a chemistry read with Zoe and I made her laugh really like hard, like just like when I came in and we were just chatting, caught her off guard or something. And she laughed.

So that was great for them to like see. And we just kind of got each other in that moment. That was great. And then, yeah, then I went in and tested. But everyone I was testing against were people I recognized. Right. And no one even knew who I, like who I was. And I remember at the end of that, the studio session, I think, it felt really quiet in the room. And then Kasdan turned around to the room.

And I was the last person to audition. Turned around to the room and he goes, that's how you do it. Is that true? Fuck. And I walked out and I was like...

I think that's good. I don't know what that means. But that was, I'll never forget that moment. And it was just like really, and now like I know him. I know that that was like a genuine. Sweet moment. He was saying to everybody, let's go, let's do this one. Right. And did you feel, was Zoe right away a chemistry? Did you guys kind of know what the thing was? Yeah, because my sense of humor was really, yeah.

Yeah. And I just think that that just like tickled her and worked for what she liked to do. And I think that everyone that she had seen coming in before me in that little chemistry read had a similar kind of like bubbly kind of energy as her. So yeah.

Like we kind of got each other. And that's the dynamic in most of my close girl, you know, my girl friendships anyway, is just kind of yin yang each other. So that was nice for me, too, to be like, oh, I can just kind of be in that zone of how I like to be. And she got it. Yeah. And they got it. Did you know in the pilot stages, because I knew that if done right, there was going to be a Nick Jess thing.

So it was just little moments in the writing would be like the way he looks at her and I'm like, oh I think they're building this did you know it was gonna be a CC Schmidt thing? No idea. Okay, cuz I didn't I didn't know that either but I was also so green Yeah, but I didn't even know how to look for the things right? I will say that Max was is and but was then like so kind and

Like it's he just knew it was like my first time trying to figure it out. Smart with this stuff. Yeah, he was super sweet. And he I always say this, like even to the to the end, because I had to do so much stuff with him by the end. He just has a way of, you know, like yes. Anding you to the end. He will always just make it funny or meet you where you're at. And we had to do so much emotional stuff. And he would always be like really in there with you. And it just makes you better. Yeah.

And so I always felt really safe with him. And as a friend, we had so much downtime in that first season and him and I would sometimes just be hanging out and talking and he was just really just, I don't know, kind and safe. And I think that that was just like a natural, just then chemistry of someone who was super seasoned. Yeah. Just kind of taking me under his wing. And I don't know if they kind of saw that and was like, oh, this could actually. Also, nobody brought up to you when you were starting. There's a potential because that became a huge part of the show. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. No, no one said anything to me and it was kind of fun week to week to find it out. And to be honest with you, it's one of the reasons why I really love TV. Um, because I feel like if you sit down with a film script, you see the whole arc beginning to end, but it doesn't mimic like the reactions you have in real life. You don't know your boyfriend's going to cheat on you next week. Right. So you would love within this week, but TV when it's really fun and new girl had periods where this hit where

where when we would be at the table read, you'd go like, oh, that's a fun turn. And TV, when it's annoying is you go like, no, don't do that. Right. Like we were, it's all building. And when a show is really working, the writing staff and the crew and everybody together is building this thing that almost feels like it already exists. Yeah.

And now you're catching up to it. So the reason I asked about the, the you and Max thing is some of those things felt predetermined in a weird way where it would start and you'd be like, Oh, this is a thing like Lamorne, Lamorne in it. When Lamorne first auditioned, you're like, there's nobody else. Right? Like this doesn't make sense without you, man. Yeah. Uh, you, that show, if you and, uh, uh, Max aren't together in that,

I don't know what the show is. But like the Schmidt season, like that is the show. The Nick Justin, that is the show. Like all the stuff that you're, but the Brian trying to stop those kids from,

going to that preschool in that one episode. That is the show. It's funny because when I read that script, I was like, where are they going with this for the season? I was like, where is this ending? But you weren't invited to the table right now? Well, no, but that was like such a twist. Oh, you know who we almost got for that was Tony Baker. Yeah, but then the whole, hold on. So the whole thing, even on the day,

You know, I didn't know they were going to turn into a Nick Bryan thing. It wasn't a Nick Bryan thing. Well, it could have been. You did yell on set a lot. Well, that was in the script, though. That was in the script. When we're done rolling, yell. What are you talking about? And then how different was it going on to this, the new TV show? Not that yet.

So then our show ends. You got a little bit of a break. Yeah. Then you're going back into network television. Yeah. And we had been texting a bunch about jobs and what to kind of do and what we both wanted to do. I mean, I jokingly call you my manager. Yeah. That makes sense. Yes. Well, Jack is one of the few truth tellers I feel like in this town. He will just say to you, that's a terrible idea. Don't do it. Don't do it. Yeah. So I remember...

asking you about Gina, 'cause I realized the group of people that you have around you is everything. - Everything. - It's everything. - So I mean the show runner, the people around you and then. - That's right, so I always call every single project. I'm always like, I call everybody. - I do this, I didn't use to, I do the same thing. Any links, I'll do the cold call. What do you think? Please talk off the record. - Yeah, that's right. - Are they fucking nuts? - I've walked away from a bunch of stuff. 'Cause I'm just like, no, thank you. But I remember and I'll never forget because I text you and I was like, tell me about Gina.

And you said run to work with her. She's great. And you're right. She's like now my closest, one of my closest friends came up and stayed with me in Canada. Yeah. We're like sisters. Fucking awesome. Yeah. And killer talent. Oh my God. So she's got all the loves where you're like, everything you're doing is weird. A weird thing. We did a show up in Canada together during the pandemic and my kids got obsessed with her. Yeah. Uh,

And like, you know, like certain kids just pick somebody. It was just Gina, Gina, this Gina that. And so one day she was like, if you guys want to come up to where she was staying, had like a little farm. She's like, the kids can play in the middle of it. She goes, and my wife and I were there where, and she's like, why don't you guys go out to eat? I'll just watch the kids. And, um,

My wife and I were like, no, Gina, you're not babysitting. And she's like, go. We did. Yeah. The kids came back. They still talk about it. Yeah. You're like, she's just one of those humans you're like. And then on set, killer. She's also an EP. Yeah. So she also gets it. You're like, oh, you know the shorthand about like when we're wasting time. You also know when you now need to bring it. Mm-hmm.

So it's like, Ooh, if she's, if she's the person you're with in scenes. Oh yeah. No, she has your back in such an incredible way, but she can also just be like a boss bitch on set. And how'd you handle it? But she does it in a way where it's impossible to dislike her. She's not abusive. She's got the magic thing. But when she barks. Yeah. Oh yeah. People listen. Yeah. No, I love her so much. And I love that show so much. So we're hoping it comes back. Hope so. And,

And if it doesn't, or if it does, what would you like to be doing in about 10 years? If you're not out of the game, right? We could all be out of the game. There's a moment where we all go like, I'm leaving the casino. Game was fun. Chips were fun. But what would be like a fun in the future? Hannah Simone, if you landed doing something like that, you'd be like, that was pretty fucking cool. You know what I really find is like the thing that I don't know, seeks me. And I hope that I get to do later in life.

after I stopped doing this kind of work, is the way I got that video game reality show to host was because Padma Lakshmi was hosting Top Chef. And the EPs of the show that I got cast on were massive fans of Top Chef. So if she hadn't been there, they never would have hired me. It was as close as they could get. An Indian girl walked in with bangs. And then when... And Frida was part of Slumdog. And the...

It just shows like the power of how much like representation matters. Cause I remember asking Liz Merriweather, I was like, you have no idea what you did. Putting an Indian girl is just part of this like American group of friends and just being this, you know, just as part of the gang, it's changed things. I talked to so many young girls who look like me and they see themselves in the mainstream as something possible. I didn't grow up seeing that. And Liz gives the bet. Like she said, the best thing, she has no idea that it's the best thing, but she says,

I don't know what you're talking about. I just hired the funniest person. Yeah, totally. I was like, that's amazing. And so for me to figure out, and Jean and I talk about this a bunch, is how then I just keep that door open and create the opportunities for other young girls, boys that look like me to kind of be able to get their foot in. It's huge. I don't think there's a lot of boys who look like you. I'll be honest.

I mean, you've got a very specific... I mean, you never know. You never know. You never know. I could be wrong. I don't know. If there is, like, it's a great-looking little guy. Holy shit. That is a shock. You're like, that little boy looks like Hannah Simone. That is Hannah Simone. Wait a minute. Wait a second.

Listen, I go in disguise sometimes. Okay. I don't like to talk about it a lot. And then last, before we go, just because of the new girl connection, when you look back, what's one scene that always kind of pops into your head or one memory that you always kind of take with you besides the Brian scene?

Don't feel like you have to say Brian. But is there a scene that you did? Is there a moment that you were part of? Because I know none of us knew that this show would keep living. I for sure did. I did not have any understanding that the audience was going to grow. I was very into the audience at the moment. And the audience at the moment on network TV was bleeding out.

So by the end the fun of it for me was we're shooting this in a fucking vacuum Right who cares just cross covered have fun. We all know the bits. Yeah, I'll know how to make each other laugh We know how to make the crew laugh. Let's have fun. Mm-hmm now Realizing that Oh streaming happened and people are gonna be able to watch it and see it forever and new generations find it You're like, oh what an amazing gift, but then in looking back what is a moment that you get to go like? I was pretty cool. I was in that moment and

I mean, there's a lot. Yeah. There's a lot. Good question. Pretty good at interviewing. Yeah. Not bad. Not bad. I saw it in her eyes. She's like, I'm sitting here with Charlie Rose. The only reason I'm doing this, he did a very good job interviewing Tony Hale earlier. And I literally, and I literally, I literally said like, you were, I was a great interviewer and I got, I got to step up my game.

Iron sharpens iron. You did great, Gareth. Here's the obvious one. But the obvious one is not the one that first came to mind. So I'm going to go with what first came to mind. I mean, the obvious one was the Prince episode. For so many reasons. By the way, your... Untold story of the Prince. We're going to do it on our podcast. Okay, I'll drop it then. There's so many things that nobody knows. So that for sure was something that will live forever in my brain. Will you just say this on this one? How he texted?

Oh, the memes. No, the capitalization. Oh, yeah. Will you just say that here? Yeah, he would email me and it would be... Prince emailed Hannah all the time. All the time. And it was like, yeah, the letters, the numbers, everything big, small, and a lot of like crying Oprah GIFs and things like that. Oh, totally.

- But punctuation would be really, lowercase, lowercase. - I would show you, I would show you these. - I was obsessed with it. - All lowercase would be like, hey, lowercase H-E capital Y. And then like, girl, then it would be like a bunch of stuff in the subject too.

It was the wildest emails I'd ever seen. Yeah. The first moment that came to mind is one that no New Girl fan has seen because they couldn't, they didn't put it in the show. But I remember when it happened and it was the last thing, almost the second, or maybe the second to last thing we ever shot. And I was like, they're gone. They've gone crazy. Was that they had Nick and Cece kiss.

What the fuck? Yeah, I know. Wait, you don't remember this? You don't remember it? I remember this. I would remember this. We both started laughing so hard. This was at the end? Yeah, at the end. It was in the series finale. They were trying to do the cooler reenacted. I am kind of remembering this.

They was behind the door and then they were trying to do it and then we both were laughing so hard and we were like, "No, we can't, we know." - You're totally, so what I remember, the reason I was gonna ask and I didn't know why I was gonna ask it, but I was gonna say like when we were talking about the you and Max and the Nick and Jess of like how different of a show. - Right. - Because in the pilot, Max pitched a line at the end when we're all on the couch

and I had felt like that was written where Nick is going after Jess. Jess is the funny one. Cece, you were like the really hot one that all the guys wanted, right? And then Coach was the crazy one, and Max was the really funny one, and Jess was the whole lead. And then as we're all sitting at the couch, Max pitches at the end where he goes, wouldn't it be funny if I said to her, I'll do you. And I remember being like,

Well, if that joke lands, then the question is like, then this guy is trying to have sex with her and she's not in. Right. I remember being like, then I don't know where Nick fits in. Cause then she goes like jar. But then I thought like, oh, and in my head, I'm like, if that were to happen, then it's either going to be, it would have been coached then. They tried that. I remember. And Damon and I, he was supposed to put me against like a wall, lift me up against the wall. And him and I,

couldn't stop laughing and I think I like chipped his tooth a little and then he and we just couldn't get it together and I remember Finkel and Bear being like this but that's what I mean there's something about because the idea of Cece and Coach from that pilot for you said is interesting once Lamorne came it was different yeah Lamorne and Cece they're doing a mess around yeah they ain't getting

That's right. They got it from a mile away. It's a different beast. That's right. But you're like, that's what, when you're talking about what's great about TV is it changes and the writer sees something and then push towards it. And you're like, that's what gets really fun. But so then go ahead. So the moment you remember, I just remember it being so funny because they kept us so apart for so many years. And we were just like,

on different shows. That's how it felt. Yeah, you're just like, you should get a better car. Let me hook you up with a guy. Hook you up with a guy. No, you said to me, you're like,

I have enough savings. I feel like I'd like a car. I don't know how to do it. And I was like, I got it. And then we both had the same Lexus, the same little signage, whatever. Yeah. So that was our relationship. And it was just a funny thing. It was the second to last thing we shot. They like pulled the loft door and they were like, all right, now you guys are going to do like reenact like the cooler kiss. And you guys are going to do it in the true American game or whatever. And we both were just laughing because we're like, in what way?

world does this cross these characters i never liked when new girl went crazy crazy like that there were times the show would experiment with like how wild is this show it's not what that show felt like to me yeah felt like sometimes the bits we could get really silly but it was never like community it was never like we weren't that show that could also kind of be a cartoon

And when we did it, you would feel it. It would be like on set. You're like, I can't do this. Yeah. There are certain moments you're like, this just doesn't feel like it. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. But that one's on the cutting room floor. That's really funny. It makes me laugh. That's really funny. Yeah. Hannah, you're the best. Thank you. Great to see you in person.

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