87: Party City's Where You Go to Party with Tony Hale
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We are

Yes, Jake. Here we go. Got a great show. Great show. Two really fun callers. And our guest is the great Tony Hale. You know him from Veep.

from Arrested Development. And his movie, which is coming out very soon, Inside Out 2. Yep. You liked Inside Out, which I know you did. It's a fun movie. Come see the second. It's like our calls. Go to the second one. That's right. If you like the first one, you'll love Inside Out 2.

But he is a great guest. He definitely, there were a couple times during it where I think he was looking at us like, are you guys okay? And then we do a nice chat afterwards, and I got to say, Garrett did a wonderful job running that interview. Well, Jake, stop. I complimented you off air, and I'll keep going.

I'd like an email. We texted before. I said, you want to run this one a little bit more because we were going to switch seats? And he said, I'll do a little research. Yeah. And boy, did it show. Well, come on. Kevin, thoughts? Keep it up. Okay. Great. I don't know why I had to bumper sticker me. So without further ado.

Hey everyone, producer Kevin here. We look at a few pictures during the first call. And if you'd like to check those out, the link for that is in the episode description. You can just click on that and it'll take you exactly to the pictures in the video. Enjoy. Hi.

Hi. Hi. Hi. Welcome to We're Here to Help, America's number one podcast. I don't know if you know that. We are number one. I did not hear that. Yeah, we're the number one show in America and almost the world. So. Wow. Yeah. Don't look it up on anything. Oh, OK. Caller, can we get your name, your age and where you're calling from, please?

Absolutely. I'm so happy to be here. My name's Kate. I'm 22, and I'm calling from Culver City in Los Angeles. Oh, great. We love Culver City. Listen, you've always got Jake and I here. We're always here to help, but you have a great guest helper today. You really do. What if I told you you were about to talk to an Emmy Award winner? Kate, would you get a little intimidated about your problem? No. No.

Maybe. Yeah, well, you should because we have the star of Veep, Arrested Development, many other projects. Guest helper Tony Hale is joining us today. Thank you, Kate. It's OK if you don't know who I am.

I absolutely do. It's so nice to talk to you. Nice to talk to you. Funny fact, Arrested Development, first two seasons were shot in Culver City Studios. I actually, we'll get into it after this, Tony. I wrote on the last season of Arrested Development. We wrote in Culver City. So I never got to see any of it for some reason. I was inside of a building the whole time. But Kate, it's not about us yet. It will be soon. What's going on? What can we help you with? Okay, bear with me. So my dad has the world record for

for the world's largest ball of chewed gum. Oh, man, I thought that was going somewhere. So did I. This will become relevant. What? Sorry? Well, it's just when you say my dad... Look, you're with three... This setup scared... No, not me. Three juvenile men on a couch. I wasn't thinking a big testicle. Well, when we heard my dad has the world record for the largest ball, obviously... I got nervous. Wait, wait, wait.

Sorry, Kate. I got nervous. We picture him walking you down the aisle with a wheelbarrow for his scrotum is what we all pictured. And that's not what happened. Stop saying wheelbarrow. No, we see the picture now. Well, so this is the biggest ball of chewing gum. And so really fast, Kate, how does that work? Does he just chew and add to it? He can't put that big ball in his mouth. Okay. No. So he spent my...

My entire childhood making it inexplicably. And he would save up the gum. It's all Nicorette. It's all nicotine. Oh, God. This just took a weird turn. I love this. This just. Yeah. He's an eccentric guy. And he would save it in drawers. And then he would get it hot in a sauna. Why is it in a handmaid's tale outfit in this one we're seeing? He also looks like Mitch Hurwitz a little bit. He does have a little Hurwitz in him. So why would he put it in a sauna, Kate?

He would want to get it soft so that he could roll it out with a rolling pin. And then he would mold it onto the ball with a hairdryer. I hope your question is, is how do I get my dad to love me as much as he loved his chewing ball? This is... I gave up on that so long ago. Oh, Kate, I'm sorry. This is a wild setup, obviously. So this is a huge... Just for people who are just listening, it looks like...

An enormous globe of yellow. Yeah. And it's all Nicorette. Well, Nicorette has not changed their color in many, many years. No, thankfully. I mean, it's a massive ball. It's huge. What is that, like 50 pounds? Oh, it's between 150 to 200. Wow. I think it's like 180. Okay, so he has a 180-pound ball of Nicorette. He's got the world record for it. What can we do for you today? So, everything...

Every time I see my dad, this is his pride and joy. It's his legacy. The Ripley's Museum wanted it, but he couldn't bear to give it up and not have control over it. Every time my brother and I see him, he asks us what we're going to do with his legacy when he dies. We've had a couple ideas that have kind of fallen through, and I just thought that you guys were the perfect people to come to for ideas. Incredible.

Can I ask you, in all seriousness, is he serious about that question or is it kind of a joke to him? He's serious. No, no, no, no, no. I can't express how serious this is to him. I talk about it like a joke. This is his life's work. Is he still adding to it? Well, no, but the habit was really hard to kick, so he still saves all the gum. Oh, so he has a lot of unchewed Nicorette, you mean?

Yeah. Sometimes he'll make little sculptures and send us pictures. Did he, just to get some background, did he start this once he stopped, right when he stopped smoking? Did he start this as almost like a trophy to him? It was right after his wife left him. All right. Well, let's... She surprisingly stayed for a while after. Women are the best. No, he...

No, he stopped smoking when my brother was born. And then probably like 10 years later, he was on a flight and I was four and he rolled a couple pieces together. And like a normal four-year-old, I was just sort of like,

What would happen if you kept adding to that? And he took it so seriously. Oh, wow. So first of all, Kate, thank you for calling. This is a great problem. Really interesting. I think your dad's honest to God. I think he's a cool guy. It started off as a weird little thing for his daughter. And let's be honest.

Things got away from him. It's happened to the best of us. Now he's got a nearly 200 pound ball of gum. Everybody wants it. He's going, I can't get rid of it. And he's really afraid because as we age, we start going, eventually I'm going to be dust to dust and have to leave this planet. My kids are okay. You and your brother, he seems like you guys have it together. You're going to be fine. But what's going to happen to my 180 pound ball of gum? And so your question today is,

he's asking you, what are you going to do with this ball when I'm dead? And you're asking us for some ideas. Is that the call? Yes. Okay. First pitch. I would like, I would like to say, I want to give you permission. I really, your dad obviously loves you very much.

Do you feel like your dad loves you? You don't have to answer. I'm ready to pick one. Does your dad love you? Questionable. For all of us! My dad loves me. I think when he passes, I guess I want to give you permission that you don't have to have this in your life like a ball and chain. Because he's going to be gone forever.

I gotta go the other way. Like nicotine sisyphus. What would be the other way for you? To have it as a ball and chain in her life? Just start chewing it. Tie it around her neck. No, here's my pitch. Here's my pitch. First of all, Tony, all jokes aside, I think that is very sweet and very smart. You don't have to carry it around with you. But, but...

This did mean a lot to your dad. Your dad obviously means a lot to you. It's something you are giving thought. So do you need to carry it around your whole life? Maybe not, but I think it is worth doing. And I've said it on this pod before. I really like post-death a task.

And I like leaving that behind for kids and people who love you. So it's not just go to a ceremony and everybody cry and they need a couple of bagels and a sandwich. I like a mission that those alive have to do. It's the, as I lay dying, right? It's this idea of what are you going to do with the body? What are you going to do with the memory? I would go you and your brother.

on an American tour in a rented convertible where I would go city to city and show people the ball of gum. I would go to schools. I would go to local museums. I would let everybody see. And I would announce before you go, world record!

record holder in little small Bridgeport, California. The kids would line up. What I love about this is the very clear point counterpoint that you two have on this. No, I would pitch. I'm going to come halfway. I'm not going to say throw it in the ocean.

which I think you still have permission to do. Killing a lot of fish. But I think what if you bronzed this ball and put it in the backyard like a monument so you don't have to necessarily look at this god-awful color, but you could somehow make a sheen to it or like a bronzing to where it could look like a nice yard ornament. So, yes, but hold on.

Because I have an ending that is not carrying it around. I do think you have a certain responsibility who those who birthed you and rides to do something. Right. So a tour. I'm not saying a 15 year tour. I'm not saying, OK, give up your life. You're now the the chewing the the big ball girl. But when you're done and you go to a few cities, you can ask your dad what cities when that's over. It goes to Ripley's.

One of these places that wants it, it is then donated, but you just build a little hut. Is he asking you to tour around in a car and exhibit it to people? He's asking for ideas from her. Is he asking for ideas from you? Oh, every time I see him. Okay. It's all he talks about. So what if you said, hey, dad, when you die, I would like to give this to Ripley's because they have requested it and leave it at that.

So we have had that conversation and he doesn't like the, he's concerned that they won't want to display it and that it will just end up in like the Ripley's basement for a long time. And that he won't have any control over that. Let me ask you a question, Kate, let's go back to you here, right? You're our big chewing ball, right? You're the big ball for us in your heart of hearts. What do you think? What do you think your dad wants you to do with that big old ball of chewed gum?

I think that you actually had a great... I actually... Okay. Thank you. I really liked the convertible tour idea. Thank you, Tony. I think she just likes New Girl. Okay.

But here's my question. Do you want to do that? Do you want to do that? Or do you feel a false responsibility to your dad? Does your dad love you? Does your mom love you? Does your nana, did she want to make you a turkey club in the third grade? Wow. Let's get into Jake's. She did it!

So I took that turkey club and did a city tour. I went to 11 cities with that goddamn tour, but Lana never called back. No, Kate, so back to you here. So you were saying you like the idea of doing a big show with your brother for your dad and his gum, because at a certain point, you do have to retire it. You're not going to want to pass this on to kids. There's something disgusting. You're not going to put it in a sauna and keep it moist.

You're not going to pass this on to your kids. You know, it was in his mouth. It is a little disgusting, but there's also something wonderful that he's done, right? Jake's wonderful is what I'd like to dig into. Where does he see wonderful in his life? Here's what you do. Mail it to Jake.

What's the scale of wonderful in Jake Johnson's life? I'll tell you what, you mail it to me, that ball's going to be 150 pounds in a week and a half. I'm going right back at it. Jake Johnson bites, take it out of it. Are you eating the ball? In two years, there'll be no ball. Well, to answer Tony's question, do you want, you like the idea, do you want to do this? Does this affect you? Yes.

That's a good question. And I think that if you had asked me when I was a kid, the answer would have been no. And I think I've come around to it. I think it would be funny. I grew up in a very eccentric, weird family. But I do think that we all sort of have a good sense of humor. And I think it would be fun to do with my brother. How about this? All right, I hear that. So that turns a corner. You want to do that. It's sweet. How about this? What if you do that, right? When...

you know sadly when it happens it's coming for all of us when that happens you do that you take it on a tour and what if you start taking pictures of it at places like maybe landmarky places this is after this is post an instagram account instagram for it yeah to build a little get some followers and then what you could do is you could come up with a system where if people wanted to have like host it

You could have them reverse the charge. This thing could get mailed to them. It could be like a flat Stanley. Like a flat Stanley. Like you've got your circular nicotine, but like a flat Stanley. Then it kind of keeps going. It's like the Stanley Cup a little bit. The flat Stanley Cup. But also, there's something, Kate, that Garf said, which I really like.

Your dad doesn't like the idea of Ripley's, and I'm going to tell you what, he's right. Because I got a history of Ripley's that I don't even want to talk about. But I'll tell you what's going to happen to this ball of wonderfulness is it's going to sit in a basement in a box and be forgotten. That's fine. But that threw me. Their timing was so fast.

I did never respond. My brain went blank and I won like this. I literally thought, she's right, it is fine. It's over, Kate. It's over. But so here's the reality, in my opinion. Your dad's right.

This is not going to be respected the way he's respected it. But Gareth is also right that the idea that there are people who would love this. This is a record holder and there are people who care about records. What I'm saying, when you do that country tour, what you're looking for is the

of your dad's ball. Because there's going to be some funky... You're going to go to some place outside of Wichita, which will be called the Weird Stuff Museum, where they'll go like, you know, they used to make spoons looking like this. And it was a five-finger spoon, and it's all weird stuff from all around the world. Hoarding the ball. Hoarding the ball, finding its home, and then that...

is your father's final resting can i get a specific though because is this is this the largest gumball or is it just the largest nicotine gumball okay no i can speak to that it is the largest gumball but he was so proud of the fact that it was all nicotine that he made them note that it was medicated but it does sound like a smaller achievement than it is i think he undercut himself there what are you feeling kate what do you think of those last couple rounds of pitches

I love these ideas. And the one thing that I will say is I liked what Jake was saying about how you sort of do a tour and then it sort of becomes a monument and you can sort of put it to rest. And so I like the idea of going on the tour to find its final resting place.

I have a final pitch on this, Kate. You like these ideas. Why don't we do this? Well, idea. Tony? New girl. Here's what I honestly think you should do.

I think you should pitch to him when he passes, you're going on a tour, you're creating an Instagram account or whatever the Instagram is of that era. Hopefully your dad doesn't pass for a long time. And this is a problem for a long time from now, but you're going around and the search for it is yes. People seeing it, but you're searching for its home. And when you find it, you'll know. I would like to add to that. I would say maybe give yourself a tops.

six places. This doesn't have to be 50 places. You could do like a top six places. Or a thousand cities. Or you could do six cities. And then you could have a nice camera, have a really nice photo shoot with the ball. And also go to multiple countries. I'd like to stay in the States. I would love to see this ball in Thailand and Cambodia. It's going to be tough. Roll around China with this thing. It needs its own seat. I can put it under the seat. I just got to mush it.

So what do you think of Tony's idea of six cities versus Jake Johnson from New Girls pitch of 1,000 cities, six countries? And it takes you a decade. It's not the American Idol. A decade of false guilt. Now let's be serious here at the end. What do you think you're going to do? Did you take anything from this call? We appreciate the call. It's a fun one. But what are you going to do?

I actually took a lot from this call. I'm surprised that I had never thought of a road trip tour with my brother before. Would you mind passing this by a licensed therapist before you do something? That's why she's here. That's why she's here. I don't know. We could pay for the bill. You could also find one on ZocDoc. ZocDoc? Is that a sponsor? That's a sponsor, baby!

And if you like the way Gareth and I are dressed, it's Dewar, spelled D-U-E-R.com. No, but seriously, if you wanted to build a website, Squarespace it. And if you have way too many subscriptions, you want to get rid of them. It is rocket money. It's emotional. Use Kleenex. Okay, now let's wrap it up. I feel like I'm part of a sale right now. No, you're not at all. And if you want to chew a bunch of gum and give it to your daughter, use Nickerad. Yeah, not a sponsor. Kate, thank you for the call. Thanks, Kate. Okay, thank you so much. Thanks, buddy. Bye.

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- All right, we got a caller in the waiting room. - All right, great. - Gonna have him join right now. - Oh yeah. - Here we go. - New friends. - Here we go. - New friends. - Great oldie. - This should be just called Tony Needs a Friend. - Tony Needs a Friend. Hello. - How does he know where he's getting off? - Hi, welcome to Tony Needs a Friend. - Hi, I'm Tony.

Hi, caller. Welcome to We're Here to Help. You're on with Jake, you're on with Gareth, and you're on with guest helper. That's what we just started calling the people. The galper. The galper. The great Tony Hale from Arrested Development, from Veep. Cue him going, ooh.

Yeah. No, no, they're always very nice. Tony Hawk? Was that an ooh or a who? That was an ooh. Oh, okay. I got an ooh. No pressure. If it was a who, it was like the most inquisitive. A foppish person. Oh, so you're a fan. No, I don't know who you are. I've never heard of him. Well, I wanted to make him feel special. Oh, that's nice. I appreciate that. Can we get your name, where you're called from, and your rough age, please? Yeah. So you can call me Tommy.

I'm from North Texas, and I'm 29. All right, Tommy. What's going on? What can we help you with? I have a boss who writes fake reviews on a specific employer website that sort of reviews employers for potential job seekers, and they write fake reviews on

that are pretty clearly fake to try and entice people to come work for the job. And the company is not quite so fantastic as they're being led to believe, and the fake reviews are pretty obvious.

Okay. So bosses writing fake reviews to people looking for work about how great bosses and how great company is, but said company and said boss are kind of D bags. Is this correct, Tommy? Absolutely correct. Like,

This specific boss has yelled at salesmen and called them lemons. Well, were they lemons or were they selling? They're usually pretty good at their jobs. I mean, yeah, they're fine. Tommy, can we give the fake boss a name?

Yeah. Let's call him Alan. Let's call him Jim. Oh, Alan. We can go with Alan. He's Alan. No, we've cast him. He's Alan. So he's Alan. And what, without getting specific, because obviously we know we've got to keep this one anonymous so that Alan doesn't get on you. What kind of stuff are we selling? Are we, is it a big kind of car dealership world? Is it like one of those like cell phone stores? Like what's, what's kind of the zone? Yeah.

Yeah, so it's software. Software, okay. So we're a software as a service company. Okay, so it's a lot of people making calls out.

Yes. So Alan's walking around. He's making it walking around a call center being abusive. Gareth, what are you laughing at? Pretty much. OK, it's pretty much being abusive. Call people lemons. It's OK. It's particularly like it's already kind of pathetic, obviously, because it's like this boss feels the need to cover up. You know what I mean? Like, take that work into becoming a better boss. But this review that Kevin put up is fucking amazing.

Pros. Invest in people and you will see results. Continue the people focus on understanding their needs. Cons. This is what got me laughing. None really. If you're intimidated by smart people, then possibly not the place for you. Like, are you out of your mind? Okay, interesting. Like. He didn't even give himself a con. No, the only con is if you don't like geniuses, you probably won't be able to hang here. You know, I heard a funny bit about what you should say in a job interview where they would say like, oh,

what's bad about you and you're supposed to say I work too hard or I'm a perfectionist where you go like you know what my honest and honest problem is I care too much I work too hard I have a question is there something that you can anonymously put something up there as well or is this just targeted to the a boss can do this can you speak somehow against this anonymously yes so that's funny because I actually did do that

Wow. I put up a fake. Do we have that one? Well, that might be sketchy if we show that. I do have it. Let me. Oh, I see. Yeah, I do have it. Let me let me see if I can email it to email it over. And as we're going with that. So you you anonymously went back. And what happened with that? Was there any feedback? Did Alan comment on that one again? No feedback whatsoever. Like none. Do you think he saw it?

I don't know. He's kind of in his own world most of the time. He's so oblivious. He walks around thinking he's the greatest. It sounds like you guys aren't smart enough to understand Alan. Okay, Jake, we'll get into that maybe at another time. I'm sorry, Tommy. I just realized now I'm sitting with three lemons. Kevin's one of them. Can we break down lemon? How does that define lemon?

Why would he say lemon, just they're not producing enough? Tommy, I guess the question is, can you do an impression of Alan calling somebody a lemon so we hear how it goes? Yes. So just imagine he's walking down, the three of us are a bunch of lemons, we're doing a bad job doing software sales. How does it go when you hear it? Yeah, so he'll go in and he'll be like, man,

"Man, you lost this freaking client. "All you do all day is make calls. "You never do anything. "You're such a fucking lemon. "Why do we even hire you?" Stuff like that. - So that would definitely be a negative on the thing, and that is sometimes boss loses his temper. - Well, this lemon is just intimidated by smart people. I mean, it's not the place for him. - You sound like Seinfeld all the time. - You know? I mean, you're not ready to work around people.

Everyone's a lemon when you're a genius. So, Tommy. That's really good.

What is the specific question that we can help you with today? Because now we got it set up. Alan's a bit of a D-bag. Oh, a psychopath. He's a psychopath. He's making these reviews on this very specific site. You've already countered it, which is, I think Tony's advice was the advice we were going to give him. That is create a fake account. You've done it. Go back. So what is the specific question we could try to pitch on?

So I guess my question is, how do I get him to stop doing fake reviews? Okay. How do I get him to...

This is a big ask. I'd like to get him to stop being an asshole. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, we can we can pitch on that. We might not help you, but we can pitch on it. Garth. So we just got Tommy. We just got your response. Can we read it out loud? Yes. Well, let's go through the subject right away, which is awesome. Run. Don't walk away from here. Pretty good. Pros. The operations team. The operation team members are fairly nice. Cons.

The work-life balance is a joke. The bulk of their executive leadership has resigned within months of each other. Ooh, Tommy, I like what you did here. This is good, and it's also a good insight into the hierarchy a little bit. I'm going to start pitching. How weird do you want to get with this? That's a great question.

Oh, I'm down to get weird and wild. Okay. Wow. Couldn't have done without the wild eyes. Not me. I liked it. So where does this get weird? I'm so curious where you're going. I'm just vamping. Oh, Jake. Jake has nothing. If you'll notice, I'm trying to make eye contact with Jared. We can turn this into a Cirque du Soleil show if we'd like to. All right. How so? I'm wearing Vegas lemons. I'm interested.

Here's going to be the beginning of my pitch, Tommy. A coup. A coup. I think we can't change. Is it a kill or no? We're not killing it? Kind of. How coup do you want to get? Oh, we're not killing it? Oh, what are we doing? Here's what I'm thinking, Tommy. You can keep doing the reviews, but you're on it. I would say nonstop write these reviews. I would say every day post two of them.

Flood this site with direct insults against Lemon Man. Create 10 accounts that great company, great employees. Lemon Man's a goofball. He's writing this direct quotes. Cons?

Put his cons and go, does that sound like a real person did this review? Cons are smart people. Basically do the Jerry Seinfeld response in all of these. Imagine this being real. Yes. It's clearly written by the king of the lemons. But Tommy, don't stop. Do so many of them.

Do not stop. Keep pushing those. Keep pushing those. So you flood this with this. Then the second thing is go to the guys on top, his bosses, and send him these things and go, I want his job.

I love that Tommy's like, all right, Jake. I might have an opposite opinion. Go ahead, Tommy. I hear you. I hear you, Jake. I hear you. You ain't a lemon. I think in reality, yes. I like the idea of maybe a few more reviews if you want. I think the understanding of he's not going to change. Yeah.

I say this because us having worked in this business with a few, what I would call- A few Allens. A few Allens and insane people, they are not going to change. And whatever you do, I don't know what it's going to do, but now I'm turning into Oprah. How can you take care of yourself, really? Because he might continue doing that. I would even say it might even ramp up.

if he sees something like this. Could turn into a battle. It could turn into a battle. And it's like, is this a place you want to stay? That's a question. Yeah, but hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Now we got to do a counterpoint as if it's a different show. Sure. He's got to also protect the other workers. Does he though? Is it his responsibility to protect the other workers? Guess what? Why did Tommy call in?

Yes. Tommy? Tommy called in, not the other workers. Tommy called in. And Tommy? Yes. Tommy? The other who? Tommy, do you feel an obligation to...

To fix what's wrong about this company. Codependent danger zone. Codependent danger zone. That's our theme song. Oh, is it? No, no, just my theme song. Just my theme song as I walk in. Codependent danger zone. Hey, all right. Things are terrible. But tell me, to you, do you feel an obligation to fucking unseat Alan, spin his ass around, and fix the ship together?

Let the lemons become lemonade. All over. You're flipping him around to fix the shit and make lemonade? Yes. Okay. Walk the plank. I know. If you're asking me if I have a bit of a savior complex, the answer is probably yes. Ooh. I hear that. I do feel like it's my job to make life better. And we are here on this show to help Tommy. Nice.

Well, I like. OK, I get it. I mean, fuck this guy, obviously. Like, it's crazy. It would be one thing if he had created a good environment and you were looking for employees and he thought that would kind of juice the numbers a little bit or whatever. I I'll give you a few options, really.

from where I think it'll be easy and anonymous to where you can kind of turn the heat up a little bit. So the first one I would do is on here. Oh, yeah, we're definitely in there. I guess that's all of ours. I think it's nice to have Tony here to be like, guys, this is crazy. The first time we've heard how bad it is, I'm like, yeah, but then I don't know what to do on the show. All we do is give bad advice. Yeah. No, you don't. Well, we give options. Just wait. You'll see. I'm getting warmed up.

All right. My wrist breaks. Dress like a witch. Put a spell on them. Or dress like a lemon. I was just going to say put a lemon outfit on. I could get a lemon outfit. Yeah. I could get a lemon outfit. There's a pitch in there, Tommy, that we're going to get to, but we might end up there. But Garf, we're here. Well, why don't... Okay, so we see... We're not going to reveal the name of the website that he's doing this on for the sake of you and your anonymity. But...

Why not go? Why not reach out to the site and say, hey, just so you know, if you check, a lot of these reviews are coming from this one account from and he is the head of this company. And he'll just they need they need to get it. There's IP and

He'll just might not need to. But OK, but that's but you could you maybe you do. But they also might be able to, like, verify that shit. This company probably if you say to them, your job here is to give people honest reviews of companies. There's someone who's not respecting that. And I. Yeah, there has to be a contact us feedback zone for this site. Yeah. So I would reach out to that.

Well, okay, next one. Go to Party City. Go to Party City, obviously. Get a lemon outfit. Get a lemon costume. Lemon-themed stuff. There is a Party City right down the road. Of course there is. You live in the United States of America. Just so you know, everywhere is a show from a Party City. They're the new goddamn Starbucks. There's a Starbucks and a Party City on every block. I love Party City. Who doesn't? It's a fucking party.

We are not going to bash Party City on this podcast today. This episode brought to you by Party City. Thank you. I can't believe that business model works so well. Why not print out some of these? You can't? Yeah, I can't. Party City is where you go to throw a party. This is a ridiculous thing you're saying. I feel like I'm talking to America. I need a big go. Party City is where you go. Why not print some of these out?

And, you know, one night I was going to sneak into the office or when he's not there, hang these up. This is where I was and put above with a header that says these are all written by Alan. Yes. Alan writes these as well as let me pitch out because I had written lemon signage quotes. Uh huh. Put put big signs like they're motivational things from him where he's calling people lemons and all the weird stuff he said.

So all over the wall one day, there are posters of all these ridiculous cons only being around smart people, being around the best next to you're a bunch of lemons. Yeah. And letting everybody know that there's some rumblings and somebody at this place hates Alan. I'd like to add there might be security cameras in the business. Dressed like a lemon. Videotaping these putting you up signs. I'm going to give a crazy pitch. Go. Go.

I mean, you've already suggested, I think, a coup d'etat. I don't know if this will work or how to do it. I would need help from you, Tommy, and from the lemons in this room with me, the lemon. Okay.

But I've been thinking a lot lately about, you know, Christmas movies and things like Scrooge. This is a strange start. Right? Yeah. Okay. Strange or brilliant. Yeah, we'll see. Maybe there's a way to haunt him into better behavior. Oh, man. Like, because you can't sneak in, Tom. Let me tell you right now. And we got past, present, and future right here on these couches. That's what I'm saying. Right? Yeah.

Maybe there's something that like... What are you pitching? I don't know. I feel like everybody was like, this is good. Here was the image I had. Apparition? No, here was the first image I had. Okay. Because I loved the idea of the posters on the wall. Jake is wearing black. He's the Grim Reaper. Yeah, for sure. Of course it's black.

Well, Jake's been haunting himself for years. Gareth is a ginger, so I'd say past. Oh, I thought you were going to say past. I was like, that's not great. You look like you'd be in Christmas Carol. And I look like a bad gap ad, so I'd probably be like a present. I think you nailed it. But here's what I mean by it.

Because the thing that I like the most was putting stuff on the walls, putting his things up and really getting him. But you can't do it that way. But you can do it in a sly way, meaning you could print these out and leave a bunch of them in the break room. Right. You can all of a sudden bring a bunch of lemons to work with you and leave them under everybody's chair.

start doing all his bad behavior so it starts coming it just has to be like you're planting a seed of this dude's a fucking weirdo and you're letting it kind of come back i don't know how it ends well that make him more like what is the end result i just want is is he going to live this guy doesn't sound receptive to any kind of neither did bill murray and scrooge

Amen to that. Well, did you see the beginning of that movie? Nice try, Tony. You're absolutely right. Did you see the first one? I'm forgetting magic dust. Here's what you could do because the cameras still seem problematic to me in that pitch. Yeah. What you could do is you can just start anonymously emailing him stuff like this. Like, I know who you are. I know what you're doing. Send him lemons. Oh, interesting. Go for the fake nails and start going that route. Yeah.

- That's very interesting. Anonymous like I see you. - I know what you're doing. - And I'm in the basement. - And you say we. - And you're not gonna-- - The call is coming from inside the house. - But you're not gonna get away with it. - Why?

No, that's part of the notes. You're such a good actor. Thanks, buddy. I really thought you were talking to me. You're like, why? You've given like nine bad pictures. I gave one bad one. Are you still doing? Where are we? Tommy. That's actually really good. I like that. That would be a good way to haunt. I'm not saying I don't like yours, Jake. Well, we built off of Jake's. It's a team. It's a team. I do really like that. Now, I'll show you another thing you're going to like, Tony. What's going on with the blueberries? I don't sound anything like that.

I'm also Jerry Sane. We're not doing blueberries, and I don't have that level of odd emphasis. The movie business is over. I read that. I did read that. I did say that earlier. Hey, that's the best way to promote my movie. Pretty easy to say when you're sitting on a billion dollars. Seriously. So, Tommy, what do you think about becoming a psycho killer in a way that

sneaking into his head anonymous emails and little things like that because then once the email starts he will when he sees 50 lemons in the break room go like who the fuck is doing this and then one of the emails could say all of this goes away when you stop the reviews and you act kindly yes yeah yep oh I love it it's funny you say this yeah because as you were starting to pitch this Jake I

I have thought, what if I get his home address and mail him lemons? Yeah. That's really good. Or pour lemon juice on his keyboard. That is great. I would start with emails and then amp it up in that direction. But what you're trying to do here, Tommy, is you're trying to get him to have a little bit of a break. And then when he behaves like a normal boss,

you reward it and it all goes away. And you need to make it weird enough where he has to go like,

Was that did that happen? Yeah. So even your emails have to be vague and weird enough so that when he sees lemons, the bit of this would be if he's trying to tell somebody in his life what's happening. He sounds like a maniac. It might not be a bad idea if you really want to go this route, if you want an extra layer of security, because it costs money to figure this. It's all this IP shit and metadata shit is a nightmare. It might be worth you doing it from like a kinkos.

Might be worth you doing something weird like that. Emailing, you mean? Emailing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's smart. Make sure it's not from your phone and your computer. Yeah, don't get sloppy. True American psycho here. Yes. Yep. Tommy, is this going to be something you're actually going to do?

Honestly, yeah. I'm going to start with the random email. Basically going like, I know what you did. You could also screenshot his review of it. Screenshot it to remind him what you put in there. Yeah, that's good too. I think Escalate.

Start like think about what anonymous would do. They would start with a little bit of light trolling. Then we get to the receipts. Then then we talk about lemons and then lemons show up at his house. Also, can you please in the subject line of the email have an emoji lemon? Yes. Yes. But tell me, here's what I think where you're at. I think you're in a really nice zone. I think you do a really weird anonymous email where you show a screen grab. And then on that first week, I think he gets a delivery to his house of like five.

500 lemons. That's excessive. 100 lemons. I'm going to just tone that down a bit. 50 lemons. I think a nice lemon in a nice UPS box. Watching Jake come down to that. I hear you. I think we are on the same exact page. We're going from Christmas Carol to one lemon in a box. Hey, sir, I can close that deal with one lemon. There we go.

You think you're a good negotiator? Me too, my man. We started at 10,000. We're walking out with one. Jake just keeps going, yep. I like that. Okay, so just the seed, one lemon seed will work. Yes. All right, Tommy. But Tommy, so tell us now, we love to end it, is what are you going to do? Walk us through the next steps.

Yeah, so what I'm going to do is I'm going to start, I'm going to create a fake email account at a computer that's not mine, and I'm going to email him with...

i know what you did stop now or consequences will ensue with pictures of his reviews and just a lemon as a profile it could be lemonhead something something at yahoo.com yeah but hold on here's what i gotta just protect you about tommy so you don't get in big trouble

Make sure it's no threat. It feels like it's coming for his life. Before you sent the photo of the screen grab, it was weirding me out. I know you're writing these reviews rather than I know what you did because he'll be like, what are you talking about? When I cheated on my wife? When I killed that guy in Vegas? I killed the man in New Orleans. What do you mean? I killed the man with a lemon. I would say, I know very clearly you're writing these reviews

You need to stop or you will be exposed. And then the lemons go to his house. Then later, if those stop, you say, I know how you're behaving at work and you've always behaved this way. And it's time for this to end. You will no longer be abusive to the people who work for you. Or you'll be abused by me.

I mean, everything I'm saying makes sense. Nothing. Gary is saying makes sense. Tommy, what do you think of that? Signed squeezed lemon in an open wound. Yeah. And whenever you write, I read it back in a Seinfeld voice or else the girl gets it. So what do you think of that? I love it. Great. I love it. I love it. I think that's a great way to go about it. It keeps it anonymous. And I think I can do it in a way that he'll never find out. Just do this time. Just before we leave and we're about to get off before you send everything,

imagine it being read back to you in court and make sure you're not going to go to jail for this. That's a good call. The thing that you could happen is you could be very embarrassed and get fired and have a funny story. It can't have a lawyer go, this is a threat on blank. It's more,

He sent him a bunch of lemons and he sent screen grabs. The end result, worst case scenario, is that you are a weird goober, Tommy, but not an actual threat. Yeah, I think that's important. If you do that line, you can win here. And the big reveal is that guy, Tommy, is a super weird guy. And I think it's important for all our callers to remember, this is just advice from some people who have no expertise in anything. No, what they need to know is this is advice from Tony Hale.

Thank you so much, everybody. Thank you. Follow up with us, Tommy. Yeah, let us know. Yeah, we'll do. Awesome. Thank you all so much. This was awesome.

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Hey, everyone. Producer Kevin here. This next follow up is from the episode that came out last Thursday, The Muffin Man with Bobby Moynihan. It's the second call from that episode. So if you want to listen to it as a quick refresher, go for it. Enjoy. Hello. Hello. Welcome to we're here to help America's number one podcast. But I think this is your second appearance. We know that you're a follow up. We don't know

who you are. So do you want to tell us who you are? What's going on? Yeah. Everything. So I'm Sarah and I had the chainsaw loving neighbor. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Right. Your neighbor loved to cut fucking wood at all hours of the day in the evening when it should be quiet in the front yard. In the front yard. Like a psycho. And Sarah, what did we recommend? I remember the problem. I think we recommended poisoning them, didn't we?

I remember they were doing it at weird hours. The sawdust was everywhere. Every other neighbor was against it. We talked about the idea of maybe getting the neighbor's community, the community involved. And maybe buying some. I think she passed on the idea of buying a table or something from this person because this person's like a woodworker. So, Sarah, please.

The floor is yours. So yeah, you guys are spot on. It was to band the neighbors together and then write like a joint letter. I think that was Bobby's suggestion, right? A joint letter to give to them. But kind of, yeah, interesting development is pretty much right after the call, we started getting some work done on the side of our house. And in order to do that, we needed to get like code approval to make sure like we weren't violating anything.

and the code people come out and they see the logs in the neighbor's yard and they slap them with a code violation and the only reason i know yeah and i know this but you didn't tell on them you did not it just happened yeah but it's kind of our fault it is kind of our fault whatever like they're blaming us they're blaming us they are yeah yeah and they slapped us with a code violation they called the people back

And we're like, they have a compost bin that's too close to the property line. And like, yeah, got us the code violation because of that. So now you're in like a Hatfields McCoys sort of situation. You accidentally code violated them, getting you kind of out of your problem because cutting wood in your front yard is psychotic like that. But then they...

went back and they got you a code violation for your compost. And then what was was that the last interaction?

So, yeah, we're not trying to start any beef. So we're like, yeah, we'll move the compost bin. It's fine. But, yeah, I feel like the hostility has, like, increased in other ways now because, like, they had, like, they moved, they did move all of their stuff to the backyard. And they're not cutting tables this time. They're cutting up into, like, wood, I think, that you would use for, like, a fireplace or a fire pit. But they just have, like, rows on rows of it now. So I don't know if they're going to plan on selling it or what they plan to do with it.

Well, they got to figure out those logs, Sarah. They got a bunch of logs. They got to do something. But here's my thing. So you didn't do anything wrong. Thank you, Jake. Thank you, Jake. Sarah, if you were like, I'm going to get him a code violation. First of all, we are not snitches on this show.

Snitches get stitches. They end up in ditches. So we would never pitch that. But it happens. Snitches also sometimes get fixes, but it doesn't rhyme as well. And we don't do that. Go ahead, Jake. It does rhyme as well, but we don't do that because we're not snitches. That's exactly right. Unless we have to be. I'm going to put you in a ditch, you little snitch. What's going on? Stop it. I'll find a fix for you. Snitches get stitches followed by ditches? No, I'm going to give you a fix right in the face. There we go. A little spot, a little bow. Are you sure I'm not going to pitch with you?

So, Sarah, but it happened accidentally, right? Right. Did you have some secret plan? But did you have some secret plan you're not telling us where you're like, we're going to bring them over here. We're going to do a fake demo thing on our house and then the code will see it. Now, you got to be honest with us. This is a safe spot. No, no, no. I mean, truly, like our house is like not like it's falling apart or anything, but like we've been trying to get it fixed up for a long time. It just like.

happened to be at the same time that this situation was going on. Like this was in the works that we were going to do this housework for months. So this feels like a very happy accident. How do you feel? Do you feel like this is better? Even if there is some tension, they're not cutting the wood like that.

in the front yard getting it everywhere anymore. Do you feel good about this sort of resolution? Well, thank you. Thank you for asking. But the way I'm really personally feeling, not you, not you, Jake. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. So sorry. Yeah. Go ahead, Sarah. Should I can't. It's actually shocking that. Anyway, go ahead, Sarah.

Right. No, I, yeah. So like it was like one problem got solved, but I felt like other problems now have arised where like there are parking spots out front. Exactly. Exactly. It's just like, yeah, they, they just, they've now become pissed at us for like taking our parking spot out front. At one point they put it, this was weird. They took like a sprinkler out for their kid.

But they put it really close to the sidewalk. So it's like spraying on our car to the point where like I walked outside to go to my car and I hear their son yelling like, mommy, mommy, the car is getting washed. The car is getting washed. And like their parents just did nothing. So just like little, little petty stuff like that.

Well, what do you think, Jake? I mean, I think Sarah's in a world of trouble. What do you? OK, so what do you have a pitch on? I mean, I would pitch something. I would I would say, why don't you try? Well, why don't you give it a whirl where you just kind of are like, you know, go. I mean, is it crazy to go over there and just be like, look.

We did not intend to fuck your world up. Yeah, we weren't happy about the thing. Yeah, we were thinking of doing a fun way to kind of do it. We would have never code violated. We're not snitches because we know those end up in ditches. OK, it doesn't end up with fixes. Yeah, yeah. Keep going, Gareth. Yeah, no, I mean, no, I think you got even right there. I I don't know. I feel like I feel like going over there and just being like, look like.

you know, let's just take some pressure out of this situation rather than live in sprinkler town. That's smart, but it could be dangerous. That's how I live. Buddy, that's the tombstone right there, buddy. No, Gareth. Live smart, maybe a little danger. I'm rock and roll. I'm rock and roll. I'm rock and roll. So, Sarah, what about a Gareth classic here and just parmesan their yard?

Put Parmesan cheese everywhere. Sorry, I just think that's so funny. Just Parmesan it. They do like to walk around barefoot. Say when. Yeah, say when. Let's just say when. So here's kind of the thing, because this is a follow-up. This is not another pitch session, unless you're calling asking for help. Because it sounds like what happened was...

We didn't even get to the potential advice that we were given and that Bobby was given and that we, you included in the we, Sarah, had come up with a plan. It just feels like there was a crazy obstacle and we might need to see what happens. My two cents to you would be just let the heat die down. Don't heighten this. Don't do anything.

They're really pissed because they needed that supplemental income. They think you snitched on them, but you're no snitch. Gareth, you got two fingers up. Shoot, shooter. One for each word I'm about to say. Parmesan it. Pop lock.

Pop rock. Kevin, that's one word, my man. It's hyphenated and it could be separated. Kevin, you're not... We don't need your... Come on, buddy. The heavy metal of the group. I'm rock and roll. Gareth is pop music. Also rock and roll. Pop is near rock. Stop it. Why not do something like that where it's like a few neighbors and you kind of all get together in a way where it's not a direct confrontation, but you kind of all...

interesting. Sarah, what do you think about a potluck? What do you think about going to the house and saying, hey, just FYI, we didn't do the code thing on purpose. Where's your head at? I think a combo of that might be interesting. As I feel like a potluck situation or even like we do community garage sales in our neighborhood sometimes, some sort of community thing where it's like it's less aggressive than walking over there or less intimidating. I would say walk over there.

What would be great about the garage sale pitch is they would have something that you could put, like they have stuff. You can be like, Hey, do you want to like throw like a piece in the garage sale thing? We all do this, whatever. Right. I like a garage. So Sarah, are you excited about it? I think this is a better, yeah. Cause I was just the thing is like, I just want to, I like your idea too. It's just like kind of like letting this die down. Like that's what I've been trying to do is just let it die down. What's your vibe with what's your vibe with the wife?

Um, she's honestly worse than the husband like we like we will come into our like we will drive in and she's like, I don't know if it's maybe it's just like her natural like face but she looks very pissed like she looks aggressive she will stare us down as we are walking into our house. It's interesting. Definitely turned on by her all of a sudden.

Everybody else. Very interesting take, Jake. Sort of like the. She's kind of mean. She kind of scares everybody. Showing bad about about about about about.

Well, definitely the quote from rock and roll right there. Why don't we do the garage sale thing? Why don't we why don't you give it a minute? Why don't you let it die down a little? And then why don't we jump back in with the like something like that where, you know, you wouldn't even necessarily need to initiate that. Someone else could, but you could all be there and maybe make it a little like like we used to drink during our garage sales in Wisconsin.

That was like part of the reason you do them. Like a three day thing. Eight, nine, ten, something like that. Ten, ten, ten, eleven, something like that. You know what I mean? Started doing blow around 15. You know what I mean? Just started doing pods at 21 early. Oh, yeah. Munch it, pod munching in the garage. So, Sarah, what do you think about organizing a group event?

a garage sale on the block and then including the neighbors are going to them and saying you guys want to be part of this or having somebody else go to them and just say like this is something we're doing but we want to know if everybody's kind of in to just kind of say like let's take the heat down our water's boiling and it's spilling over we're on a high let's just get to a medium high

I think it's a solid thing because I truly just need to get through the summer. My plan by the end of the summer is I do, I'm looking for a new job and I want to move into the city. So I just want to get through the summer. I feel like something like this. Summer is when these kinds of tensions, especially in the Chicagoland area are the hottest. Oh yeah. The meanest. Everybody is sweaty. You got cicadas. It is a nightmare. Once we start getting to those leaves turning orange and fall coming, uh,

It's just going to, everybody's going to breathe a little bit. Remember, do the right thing, Garrett. Yeah, of course. It's hot in the summer. Yeah, it is hot in the summer. Yeah. So I, well, what I think that's good. I think that's a good pitch. I think, um, you know, like we always say, pitches get fixes. I think we've never said, and that's, please don't start saying that at the end of calls, Garrett. Well, it's,

I shouldn't have said that to get me off of it. Honestly, that's super helpful for the call, Sarah. Bye, Sarah. Thank you, guys. Thank you. Bitches get fixed. No!

Hey everyone, producer Kevin here. This next segment is an edited chat with our guest after the calls. To hear the full extended conversation as well as early access to episodes, you can go to patreon.com slash here to help pod. Enjoy. Well, thanks for coming on. Thanks for having me. That was fun. Um,

Yeah, I wrote on Arrested Development. Dude, that's crazy. Yeah, for the last chunk. We got some side conversations. Well, that's what I was going to ask to start off with, just because that, as someone who kind of worked...

on that show behind the scenes. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - We were writing while it was going on and it is such a unique experience working on that show in so many ways. I'm curious, what was it like when you started? Because when it started, it was on Fox. - Yeah. - And so there was kind of, there was a little more of a, it was a little more regimented because

things had to get done. What was it like when you booked that show? Did you have any idea what you were getting yourself into? I've heard a little bit about the auditions. Was it crazy? - I mean, I was mainly, I was doing commercials in New York. I was so, I just wanted a sitcom. I was so thankful to have a show. I mean, I didn't, I wasn't in a place where I was like, I like this and I don't like this. I was just happy to get a yes.

And so I had no idea what I was kind of getting into. I was very, that was all very, it was, I liked the script. Also at the time, Christopher Guest was kind of like all the Waiting for Guffman's. Yeah, right. So it kind of had a little bit of that off, you know, comedy thing. But I was just like, I had no idea. How did, what was like the difference between the character that you read and the character that you felt like you kind of created? Because he did become, Buster became such a,

Like, when we wrote on the show, like, the characters are all so defined. But Buster has this... He turned into kind of a cartoon character almost. Yeah. Like, he almost was like an animated figure. Yeah, right. I don't think he started off like that. He started off, like, obviously panic-stricken. Which is kind of what you brought. Like, he was anxiety-riddled, essentially. Fully anxiety-ridden. Yeah, right. Which, at the time, I was experiencing a ton of anxiety, so that kind of worked. Over... I couldn't have played Job. I was just... I think just...

Being in L.A., I'd just gotten married. I was just kind of overwhelmed. A lot of pressure as an actor. I didn't know. I'd never been honest. I'd never had that much free food offered to me. Like, I was just like, I gained 15 pounds in the first season. Is that right? 15 pounds. Because, I mean, I would be... The freshman 15, but on the show? Yeah. Because I would be in New York, and I was so... Anytime there was, like...

I mean, I just, I had no money. - Yeah, right. - So like, the fact, I mean, you guys know, like, you'll have lunch and then after lunch they'll come at you with a platter of like food.

And I'm like, yeah. My instinct is still, anytime I get on set, to pretty much load up. Just load up. Yeah, load up on. And I never stop. Yeah. And we would have a meal before we had our, it's the most grotesque, I mean, and it's pretty much a wedding buffet every lunch. Yeah. And I was like, well, I have to have five proteins in my body for lunch. It kind of works for the character in a weird way as well to just sort of like eat your feelings so nobody would be like, Tony. Totally.

- Totally, and then I-- - This is your trainer. - And then I do remember, at the end of the first season when I was heavier,

I remember, okay, I got to take the summer just to crack down. So then I went, I remember when Atkins was like really published. So then I went to Atkins and I lost like, I don't know, maybe like 20 pounds or 15 or 20 pounds over the summer. You're sitting in bacon and cheese. Yeah, yeah, seriously. Pretty much. My heart was like. We missed the show. But then I remember coming back and Mitch was like, okay, second season happens like the day after. And I'm like, oh. Buster's sick. Yeah.

So anyways, it was like Ozempic Buster. And how long had you been out here before you booked that? I got... Ten days before I got married...

In New York, the show got picked up and we moved right after that. My wife was a makeup artist on SNL at the time. And so like she, she made a huge sacrifice. Did you meet her when she was doing, how did you meet her? At church in New York. Oh, right. Yeah. Okay. So. And then before you did, we worked in commercials a shitload. Oh, you did? Oh yeah. We did here, but we did a lot of them.

Yeah. And I would have friends who would kind of get these commercials where you would kind of be like, oh, it's like my buddy, my writing partner, like a Dr. Pepper commercial. Yeah. And like when I moved to L.A., we would go out and people be like, hey, can I buy you a shot? And I was kind of like, wait, we work together. You know, I kind of thought it had more value. But you had a pretty big one.

early, you had the Mr. Roboto one. - Mr. Roboto, yeah. Which they did a callback and arrested for, where Buster's doing Mr. Roboto in a car and his hook gets stuck in the dashboard. This is, I will say, this is how much I had no, to your point, the last season, this is crazy you worked on that, which I can't wait to talk more about that. But I remember being so confused as to what's going on that Buster at the time obviously had his hand eaten off by a seal, typical storyline. - Yeah.

he had a fake hand. And I remember a props guy coming up and attaching a different hand to my arm and me saying to him, why do I have... It was like a science model hand. I was like, why do I have this? And he goes, I don't know, man. Just go with it. And we were both so confused. I had no idea what was going on. And we all followed his grid, Mitch's grid in his head. But it was really kind of this escape room of just trying to figure stuff out. Well, the thing is that...

Mitch Hurwitz, who created Arrested Development and was without question, Jim Vallely, who was another executive producer, is like, yeah, Jim, both are brilliant. Mitch is like a genius on a level that you kind of don't really work with ever. His ideas were always so much funnier than whatever I brought to the table. And it would be like when we were writing the last season, you would have something.

And Mitch would be like, no, he didn't want to do it. And then he would pitch out something like he would be throwing out his own ideas. It wasn't that he was like, yeah, I want to win. Yeah. He his mind is so creative. Yeah. That he kind of wouldn't when he would land, even when he was landed, there were other things. And and we knew when we were writing because we were writing during production of the last season that a lot of the actors were not sure because of the shooting schedule. And we were also at times worried.

Not sure were you fifth season? Yes, this is okay. Yeah. Yeah, we were though. Well the the last two seasons Oh, yeah split in the Netflix. Yeah, exactly. Okay. Yeah. Yeah I remember going up to Mitch and saying what if like Buster was on Dancing with the Stars and he goes funny I think I'm gonna have a seal but off your hand. Yeah, that's it was like Well, I know that's better. I know when he came up with that too. He threw that out and

Like he was like something stupid, like Buster's hand gets bitten off by a seal and it was like loose seal. And then people like, that's pretty good. He's like, that is pretty good. That's actually that would be the way he would pitch, though. He was so good. So did you guys also always write around the table and there was nobody? You really didn't go off with scripts or everything was done? Yeah, you just found you found out what episode you wrote when it aired. I remember my writing partner and I watching the last because it's

Everything is basically filtered at the end through Mitch, but you are team writing. Who's your writing partner? Evan Mann is his name. Okay. He's the guy from the Dr. Pepper commercial. Right. Ev. I do remember that spot. It was a huge spot. It was huge. What spot was that? I don't remember this.

Some game, it was like he was eating crud. Don't you hate when people say, I don't watch TV. He had Diet Dr. Pepper, and it was... I do hate it. Yeah. More than anything, because I watch so much TV. I don't watch TV. I honestly haven't watched TV in 10 years. We have nothing to talk about. Did you hear me say that? I don't watch TV.

Especially when they first meet you. Yeah, exactly. Hey, just so you know, I don't watch any TV. I think it's of the devil. I have a question for you. Because when I've done talk shows, this will happen to me. All of a sudden, come out of my body and be watching myself talking on the couch or just feel like I'm like that. I'm like, what are you doing?

are you saying? Words are coming out and it's just this weird. - What's so weird with standup is if you are doing something you've done 100 times, it's like muscle memory. So you are kind of, you know you're saying things, you're maybe not giving it the regular, but you're so familiar with what you're saying that your mind wanders and you are literally like, you need to get back in. You are on stage. - Isn't that bizarre? - It's crazy. - Is it because these are jokes

that you're so comfortable with and you can kind of feel because that's how i feel maybe on a talk show like i maybe told a story a lot or i know the rhythm yeah i think it is partially that you're kind of spoiled with the level of rehearsal yeah but even then a lot of times if you're doing it again you are you know it's like magic in a way where it's like you are still selling yeah yeah but then you have those moments it can almost be a problem where you are like i need to actually let my thoughts be about what i'm saying yeah about like boy those two look like they're in it

Well, the craziest part about that, because I've had that same exact moment on talk shows where as you're talking, I'm like, I'm not here. Yeah. And the audience is there. And then you realize they're still laughing at the right moment. But the crazy thing is, is I've had moments where I lose track of my story mid story. Oh, that's the one. But what I've also, it used to be my big panic. And what I realized is like,

It's the really funny Fred Willard line in one of the Guffman movies, Christopher Guest movies, where they're walking up on stage and he goes, if you forget a line, just keep talking. And you do. But it's honestly true. Yes, yes. You come back. You're literally going, they're like, so you gave yourself a bad haircut. And you're like, yeah. And then in the middle of it, anxiety spikes. And I'm like, there's a lot of people here. And you're gone. And then you just go like, because the reality is, man, I'm eating a lot of hot dogs.

And I'm like, the beginning wasn't the end. Somehow hot dogs ended it. Did you, that happened to me on Conan once and Andy was there. And I remember walking off stage and going, Oh Andy, that was bad. That was bad. I was just bad. And he goes, Tony, it's like you take a little paper boat and put it in the ocean. It doesn't matter. He,

He's like, no one cares. No one's probably going to... He's like, it doesn't matter. So here's something really... So I just did Richter's podcast. Oh, yeah. And I had heard... So it might not be because... I think Mike Serra told me that. Oh, really? Yes. And now when I told Andy that, because I was having an odd body experience. I watched so much of him. Yeah. I'm such a fan of Richter. And then to be sitting there and then I go...

I think the first time I did a talk show, because I've been friends with Mike forever, and we were talking about anxiety, and I'm like, how do you deal with it, especially at 19? And he goes like,

He's like, he told the story, which you might have told him. No. Wait. Oh, did Andy tell it to him too? I don't know. Maybe you passed it on. But maybe you. I'm just trying to touch New Girl's knee. New Girl. New Girl. New Girl's a hot show. It's on Netflix. Gareth wrote on it. It's not going great. Oh, I've seen the site. No, it's good. It's like, it's good. New Girl. It's fine. It's good. No, like it's. Yeah, but so at 19, he. But.

But he told the story that he's like, you're putting so much pressure on and making it so big. And he told the story that Richter said afterwards, like he's like somebody that somebody said director, like, man, that it didn't go well. And he goes like, it doesn't matter. He's like, everybody had a good time. It worked. Nobody cares. Nobody cares. And he's like, it's just fine. And I, Sarah, like it's weird calling him Sarah. Cause I just know him as Michael for so many years.

But he, to me, was so mature at a very young age of...

Yes, because he's dealt with anxiety. But at that age, just almost the boundaries he had with what he wanted to do, what he did not want to do, I would have dressed up like Mickey Mouse. But he just had this internal, like, no, this isn't healthy for me. It's incredibly admirable. I was 28. He was 18. We became buds. I would go to his house, and there would be on the message machine

like huge Hollywood people leaving message. And he was always a guy. He's like, he didn't have a cell phone. And he would be like, we would come in and press play. And we'd be like getting ready to go out. And it would be crazy names being like, Michael, please call me back. I want to talk about this project. And then he'd be like, all right, you ready to get some lunch? And I'm like, no. I was like, you have to call him. And he's like, oh, I don't feel interested. He still doesn't have an iPhone. Yeah. He's just, he, I remember when we were on Arrested and he had, and Will Arnett was like, you're keeping it too real.

He was like, this is absurd. Because he had the flip phones. Or he had like a kind of slick fake. It's an in-between. Yeah. But it was. It was a razor? It was almost like a razor. It was like a razor. This episode brought to you by Razor. And by the way, watch Ne-Girl on Ne-Click. Oh my God. I can't wait. Ne-Girl.com. You know there's a Ne-Girl.com somewhere. Now there is. Yeah. Squarespace.

Well, Tony, thank you so much. Thank you for having me. This is awesome. We'll let you know about the nicotine ball. Oh, I cannot. I will wait. And you are available to go on tour with it, just to be clear. Oh, my gosh. That's really my point that I wanted to get to. I am looking for a gig. Okay, great. All right. Oh, it's unpaid. I wouldn't call it a gig. I'm not a responsibility. I'm looking for exposure. Exposure. You'll get it. All right. Thanks, Tony. Thank you. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKeith. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

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