94: Ding Dash Ditch with June Diane Raphael
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And we are

Yes. Special guest today. We're here to help. America's number one podcast. Great guest today. Really funny human being. So funny. And the truth is, we talk about it a little bit, but she did have somewhere to go. And then she kind of just abandoned that part of it. So we don't do a chat with her afterwards, even though that's something we now have been doing. And it's because she had an appointment. Yep. She's been in a ton of everything. She works so much.

But she also has a couple great podcasts. How Did This Get Made? Yes. Deep Dive. She's fantastic. June Diane Raphael is with us. She's somebody I've known for a long time and is truly one of the funniest people on earth. And she makes me laugh in this one. In a way that physically hurt. No, I was going to say, I did think you hurt a rib. It was...

I started laughing in a way where it was like you're in a pool and you're drowning. Yeah. And you think for a moment. Yeah. I'm in danger. Then you realize I'm okay. Yeah. It was, it was, you threw the mic away from your face and kind of collapsed. Everything she was. Yeah. Well, one of the things she does that is so funny is, and she's always had it. She's just created her own universe. Yeah. Her own timing. Yep. Her own. She walked in here, even when she first entered.

The game of June had already started and we were in it. She was talking about how someone told her before she auditions to almost not be her authentic self as much as she is. Right. Because it's so dynamic and funny that whatever the character is, it's not the character is not as good. So she is.

such a fucking yes and her podcasts are hysterical and she's hilarious and she's great on the show and so we hope you enjoy it yeah we hope you enjoy it and just so you know we answered a question on our patreon a minute ago which we encourage everyone to join about if we could be any uh character from anything we loved um you know past or present who would it be and um i said michael j fox from family ties and um

Jake really thought that was crazy and had a little bit of fun. And we're still reeling from that over here a little bit because Jake just wanted to be an extra. Cheers. Anyway, we encourage everyone to keep liking and subscribing. The numbers are going to skyrocket. There's also a great American Airlines story. Shut up. That is a great story. I couldn't find my bag. Thanks, everybody.

Jake's a delusional millionaire. Hello. This is just new girl money, just having fun. He shouldn't have access to this. Hey, can we get your name, please? Mine? Yeah, my name's Cameron. Cameron? How old are you, Cameron? I'm 31. 31? And where are you calling from, Cameron? I'm calling from Raleigh, North Carolina. Oh, beautiful. That's nice. You've got a special guest. Yep. A woman I've known for a while now. A woman I've been a fan of forever.

Miss June Diane Ravio, who's also come in hot. I really did. You know what they used to say? Hi, Cameron. I'm so happy to talk to you. But they used to say in acting class, cover your entrance. Which means when you're walking into a scene, cover it. Cover the moment you're entering. With some sort of effect.

You have. And boy, unintentionally, I over covered. Somehow Juilliard's in the lobby. I came in with too many things and energy. I got the feeling of what it would be like to cast you at some point. And I was like, she's walking in as the character. Oh, yeah. Can I just tell you? And again, Cameron, I can't wait to hear your question, but.

Can I just tell you, Whitney Cummings told me something about walking into auditions because I'm obsessed with like that moment. First two minutes. And before it starts, like just that energy, what happens. And Whitney Cummings told me, she was like, stop, stop being yourself before you start the scene. Like just come in and get quiet and do your scene because you're actually...

This is when there were pilots and comedies. I remember those. Remember those? But she's like, you're actually funnier than what you're about to read. Right. And so now, like, the energy is going down when you start. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, oh, wow, that's really. In your own shadow. Yes. Like, you're upstaging yourself. You know, it's so hard. It's my cross to bear. Sorry, Whitney. I'm the best. Your character isn't. So sorry.

I really fast and Cameron we will get to you and Kevin's gonna tell us to wrap it up But Steve Berg the our buddy told me commercially when I first started acting Yeah, he said start the performance at the Polaroid Wow, and I was like I was like yeah, but I went like huh and then I would look and if it was like a dopey guy in the Polaroid he would we'd be talking then he'd go When they cast they're looking at the Polaroids they are

Cameron, what can we do for you today? Yeah, so I need some help. A little bit of background. About a year ago, my wife and I moved into our first house, and we love it, and things are all great. Thank you very much. And we've kind of noticed one growing issue as we've been in here for about a year, and that is the neighborhood kids. Well, June, you are so extra. She's going to book it. There is so much going on.

- Just so you know, I love all children and I stand for children, I defend children, but I'm listening. - You're gonna kill me this episode. - Go ahead. - She's going like this. - Go ahead. - Okay, so there's a neighborhood problem where there's a lot of kids coming.

Yeah, so we basically learned that the cool kids of our neighborhood seem to live across the street. Okay. And every day, a group of like 10 or 12 or so kids all are over at their house. And I think the issue is the year or so that our house was maybe empty while it was getting sold, they kind of seem to have declared it their property to be playing on, hanging out. A squatter's lot. Yeah, no, it's great. Yes, and especially like...

First of all, everything you're saying so far to me sounds like a dream. Like kids over, kids on porches, kids in backyards. Like this all sounds dreamy, but go ahead. I can't imagine what the problem is. Cameron, I'm with you more than I'm with you now. I am too. I don't want neighborhood kids like straight cats. My dream, my actual dream is of neighborhood kids. And I have something close to this right now. Coming in and out without letting you know they're coming over. Wow. That's my dream in life. Yeah.

Okay, so Cameron, you got some neighborhood kids. I'm kind of with you, June. Okay. So you're just calling it a brag? No, but June, I was kind of with you, and I thought that I was like, oh, great, some kids in the neighborhood. This is wonderful, family place. But, you know, we've kind of noticed that as we've been living here, they've kind of been getting more and more brave with what they're trying to get away with in our yard and, like, in terms of play and in terms of, like,

Just getting into stuff like, you know, the one that kind of— Can I ask—I hate to interrupt, but I have to ask, how do you define kid? Because you're not saying teen. So are we putting them 10 and under, or are they 12 and under? Yeah, good question. I'd say 12 and under is probably closer, yeah. Okay.

It's getting older. Yeah. And so I guess kind of the overall thing is where, you know, I guess the question is, you know, we're trying to set up some boundaries with these kids so they aren't using our lawn as kind of their personal playground, but also so that we don't come off as kind of the curmudgeonly mean neighbors. I understand where you're at. When they do get up into those teenage years. I think you're right. What are they doing exactly when you say they're kind of playing in your yard? What are we talking about?

Yeah. So like one example is, you know, I walked outside the other day and we kind of have that like fiber internet thing.

And there was the fiber Internet cable box was open and a kid was tangled up in the wire. Egregious. That's not OK. I don't blame that child. I am Spectrum. This is a hazard. Yeah. OK, what else? Anything else? And when I asked them, you know, kindly, what what the hell are you doing? The kid said we found a frog and needed a place to keep it.

And this place is a nightmare. June, you're not this isn't your dad. The idea of a child frog is so lovely to me. Even if it's in where your Wi-Fi comes from. I you just this story sounds so whimsical. Like we found a frog and we're looking for home for a frog. I'm sorry it fucked with your Wi-Fi. But like also kids lie, June.

You don't think they found a frog? I think they're just fucking around and they got caught. Either way, though. You can't put a frog in a... If you put a frog... I mean, it is... Yeah, it's like Tom Sawyer with internet. I would be like, yeah, I... Get out of here. Yeah. Also, I'm good with you guys being in the neighborhood and at the lemonade stand, I'm buying stuff. Get out of my yard. Now, is this Wi-Fi cable box in your front yard or your backyard?

Or the side? They have not gotten brave enough to go into the backyard. Okay. They haven't breached the backyard. By the way, good emphasis on the side. The side. I am actually in follow-up question. Why is it in the front yard? Yeah, that is a crazy question. To be honest, that is weird. No, we're not going down that road. Well, it is a strange decision.

I haven't talked to the engineer yet. So Cameron, the boys across the yard are finding frogs. They're putting it in your internet box. What else are these kids doing? Anything you can think of?

Oh, yeah. I mean, I've actually kind of been keeping a small list since like it's been getting warmer and rapid fire. Yeah. Let's go real fast. Yeah, let's do it. So one of them is they seem to play soccer across the street using my garage door and the neighbor's garage door as goals. So every minute or two, there's a loud bang. June, when's it going? Against my house. I would if I were you buy a net and put it in front of your. OK. In front of your door. Wow. Not with her. I thought. Lovely.

What else is going on? Usually there's kind of the remnants of any event that they've had, a water balloon fight in the yard, Nerf bullets galore, McDonald's feasts, wrappers all over the place. Oh,

These are rats. Rats and raccoons. Here's the thing. I absolutely understand your issue. But I think that having children around who feel safe in your front yard. Even when they're kicking a ball into your garage and it's banging? I would do something about that. I would buy them a net.

Okay, but what about the trash in your yard? I think you absolutely go outside and you say, hey, guys, I love that you're having fun. Like, I love that you feel safe here. Like, it's all amazing. I'm going to ask you to pick up your trash. Okay, I hear what you're saying. So what June's kind of pitching is, by the way, so is the question, Cameron, what do I do about these kids?

That and kind of striking the balance where, you know, not becoming the neighbors that are kind of the mean couple across the street that become the prank victims of the future. Okay. Cause here's what I'm afraid of. I agree with you. Here's what I'm afraid of with June's move. I'm going to be honest. No, if the kids are about five to nine and I know this cause with my kids in there, look, we have some neighbor girls who are over all the time when they were younger and

I could kinda as Mr. Jake say like, "Hey ladies, these are the rules." - Right. - "If you're in the pool, we're doing it like this." - Yes. - That's going away rapidly. The tone is starting to shift.

It's more like the animals are running. The animals are beginning to run. So what I'm afraid of, what I'm afraid of, Cameron, is you going out there and going like, hey, my guys, very lovely. Any chance we could not throw these rappers. You're totally right. And by the way, Jake, you have to understand. And Cameron, hear this. I when I'm with children, even though I love them so much, I rule with fear.

Absolutely, my children are a little bit afraid of me. Really? Kids in general are a little bit afraid of me. And I like it that way because I want to establish the boundaries of I'm a fucking adult. Yes. And you're a child and don't you forget it for a goddamn second. However...

I think, Cameron, if I can put it back on you, I think you're a little scared of them. And I think they smell it. They smell it from a mile away. And I think that they are...

Are they've smelled blood and they're attacking because of it. I think that's right. And I think they can still have fun and you can still be a cool neighbor and they can still want to be there. I mean, listen, guys, my dad, I had a house where every child on the block was at our house. My father, when a local elementary school was being shut down, he took the giant play set and he moved it to our backyard.

There were a parallel beam and different gems. There were things in my backyard you couldn't believe. So we had every neighborhood kid there. And this end, my father, when someone tried to egg our house in high school, he went inside, got a dozen eggs, and started throwing eggs back at kids. I think you might be the funniest person on planet Earth.

I think I could watch. You can't. And I stand with kids. I love children. I stand with kids. We all do in this election. Paul Scheer would give me six children. I'd be so happy. He's only given me two. But I would have so many more. I love them so much. And what you're describing sounds delightful. But you and your wife need to not be scared of these children. Okay? And then let them have fun. June, this advice is...

All over the place. I take back what I said. I'm a woman. Can I change my mind? Yes. Yes. Yes. In this podcast, we stand with kids and women. I can change my mind. Yes. Yes. I learned things in the last minute. Am I not allowed to apply them?

them hang up we're done with you Cameron Cameron I got I think well thanks a lot guys I think June's advice is you should be very grateful you should rule with an iron yeah I know these are competing ideas right this is her dream scare the kids scare them you are scared of them and get as many as you can so I think appreciate what you have but don't be scared of them I have another I mean I agree with the with the scared comment because I mean they also kind of do this

When I'll pull in from work, they'll be in my yard and they'll kind of do that children of the corn stare as I pull into my driveway. I love these kids. I'm obsessed with them. Send them out here, Cameron. Give them a development deal now. I have a pitch. I got a pitch for you that is going to start something that I don't know where it ends, but you have an infestation.

Yes. If your house is overrun by raccoons, you don't keep leaving trash out. You create an environment that is no bueno for the infestation. Right? If you have lice and you can't do it with the shampoo, what do you do to a kid? Shave the head. Shave the head.

Yes. So you need to create a front yard with either a fence, sprinklers, bad music, you out there with your shirt off. Yell at them. Bring back yelling at kids. Bring it back. Yell at them. They'll be scared.

No, but then they're going to turn on him when they're teenagers. And then his house is going to be the house that gets really pranked. Are you afraid that your house is going to get pranked or that you're going to be looked at as like a neighborhood dick and it might make the parents not like you and you have a bad reputation in your new neighborhood?

I think a little column A, a little column B, but probably the latter there. Okay. You don't want people not to like you. So that's why you can't yell, because I would yell or something. I'd put a no trespassing sign on my lawn or something that's maybe a little aggressive. But I think Jake is pretty right about

You've just got to find the thing. I don't think you want to scare them. I think you want to weird them. Yes. And that's even scarier. Yeah, but it's not direct. You're not going to ruin your reputation as like, you're not going to be an asshole. So how do you weird them? Okay. I mean, a pitch. Yeah. Leave the windows open so that the kids can see into your house.

And I would go maybe something like Tidy Whities and just stand there eating a Butterfinger while you watch them for a little while. So I think I think he started. I think he started right and ended poorly. But I think that's how I felt. That's how it felt. This will get you on some government. Here's what you can consider doing. I like this idea of weird amount. Is that something if we nail something you like, Cameron, would you actually do it?

Yeah. If, if I think I'd rather be the weird neighbor than the asshole neighbor. Okay. So first of all, what do you think? And it's not expensive. You can go and get one of those old school sprinklers.

But one of those sprinklers in your yard that just is spraying water so that whatever they're out in the yard, you just turn it on. And not the one that's like a fan. No. The one that's like. Yeah. That one. And so what you're trying to do there is you're just saying like, play soccer, but your ass is going to get wet. And you don't do it on hot days. You do it on other days. Two, the windows are open and bad music is playing at a loud enough volume that it's ruining their vibe.

Well, listen, I did have a bunch of teenagers as I completely forgot about this. When Paul and I had our first child and we had a newborn, we had a case of like, what do they call it? Ding and dash? Yeah. Door dash. Yeah. Door dash. Not door dash. Ding dong ditch. Ding dong ditch. Holy shit. I can't believe it. Sad for all of us. Keep going. Keep going. I can't believe it. Yeah, I agree. You combine dine and dash and ding dong ditch. The old ding and dash and ditch. So weird.

We had someone doing it multiple nights in a row and I could see them on the camera. I was like, oh, they're teenagers and they're running away. But they were waking up our baby. Like our baby, like, and we were already hovering above reality. Like we weren't well during that time. And I ran out of the house like the third time it happened and I chased them down the block. And I screamed like an insane person and they never came back.

So I and I know these people live. I know these children live close by, but I really think that one strong yell, one strong yell. It doesn't make you a neighborhood asshole. It just means. Yeah. It just means like you don't want to crash on your. After this pitch, could you play the cherished stuff she said? Yeah.

It's whimsical. My dream is to have kids come and I ran out in my underpants screaming at teenagers. Those are teenagers. I still want to nail down the exact ages of these kids because it is

It is going to affect our opinion here. If you're saying they're 11, that's such tricky territory. That's like a liminal space. I don't know what to do with an 11-year-old. A 10-year-old would be scared and not come back. I think the oldest age is probably about 13. That's tricky. What do you think of this? Do you have a dog? I do have a dog. I want you to let that dog exclusively take shits in your front yard and not pick it up.

This is good. Where does your dog shit now? That's an interesting idea. I don't think you yell at these kids. I would pick the shit up and I would put it in the front yard. And I would turn your front yard into a landmine of shit. That's an interesting idea. And I would get sprinklers so it's wet shit. How about this? Get some fake piles of shit like prank shit and put prank shit in the yard mixed with real shit. And then I would put a sign out there that says...

we have a shit problem. I would put a sign out there that says, be careful in the front yard. There's shit everywhere. We have a dog, a shitting dog. And so the kids, I like that idea. So that the kids have to go like, ah, we would play there, but there's dog shit everywhere. And that guy doesn't clean it up. Once they found new territory, you can clean it up. It goes back. The shit goes back. Cameron, what do you think? Uh,

I really like that idea. I like the idea of my front yard being uninhabitable more than me being a jerk to these kids. Yes, I think that's right. And it's not permanent. You're a nice guy, Cameron. I appreciate that about you. I do think that, you know, knowing that one of them is 13 kind of changes everything for me because I'm like...

Yeah, you need shit. You need like a 13 year old. The power they hold. Oh, yeah. There's confidence. Yeah. You got to throw some shit at the 13 year old culture. The power of a 13 year old like they are in no man's land. Yeah. And we honestly, you know what I mean? Like, you don't want to go. The whimsy goes away. Yeah. Thousand percent. So Cameron, are you going to do the dog shit yard?

Yeah, I think I might combine the sprinkler idea with the dog shit idea. Powerful. Will you take some photos of it and send it to us and we'll post it when we air it and will you give us a follow up on this? Yeah, and let us know if it works. I will absolutely do that. And Cameron, don't go subtle with that dog shit.

There's time to be subtle and cute, and then there's time to just be a fucking... Guy who's putting dog shit all over your front yard. It should be every three steps down the path. Don't tell your wife either. This is between you and us. Do you understand me? Your wife cannot know about that. Is that good? All right. Subtlety is not the game. I got it. Thank you, Cameron. Follow up with us, okay? Yeah, and move that box to the side yard. Obviously, yeah. Thanks, buddy. We'll do that. Thank you all so much. Thank you.

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Hey everyone, producer Kevin here. If you have young kids around, maybe don't listen to this next call on speakerphone. Throw some headphones on if you got them nearby. You'll see why. Enjoy! Hello? Hi! Yes, hello. Can we get your name, please? Hi, my name's Mike. Hey, Mike. Hi, Mike. How old are you? Hi, Mike.

I'm 42. Where are you calling from? Jersey. That explains it. You're on with us. You have a special guest. Jude, Diane, Raphael. Hi, Mike. I love you too, Jake. I'm also from Long Island. So it's so nice to speak to someone. I'm just a transplant here. My family and I just moved from Massachusetts down here.

About a year and a half ago. So I'm still learning. Your East Coaster. So you got three shooters on this one. Mike, the floor is yours. We are going to lose June at a certain point. Don't take it personally. She's on fire today. Listen, I have, you know, I'm very blessed. I have so many appointments, so many emails coming in. I got a ton of texts. You know, it's always nice. It's always nice. Mike, floor is yours.

So my sons are seven and ten. And my ten-year-old. Mine too. This summer is. Oh, wonderful. So my ten-year-old, my mother-in-law and my wife really want him to learn about Santa before he goes into middle school. In a lot of ways, I didn't want to tell him this year because my father-in-law passed away in May. Oh, God. Hold on. I'm listening, Mike. I'm just so emotionally. You have hit the mark.

The Santa nerve. Okay, go talk. Hold on, I think there's a lot of nerves. Santa's a lot. No, June, I think the first call was a lot. Santa's a lot. Santa's a lot for me. Mike, so the 10-year-old... I'm not at a point in my cycle to handle Santa right now. Go ahead. Does he not know a 10? He doesn't know. Beautiful. Sorry about that. My wife and my mother-in-law really want him to know

Are you running from the police? If there's gunshots coming up where he goes like, hold on one second. No, no. Get off my tail, Mickey. I'll kill you. My problem is I have some human skulls and the cops know. How should I leave a building with they've surrounded? All right. So your 10 year old believes in Santa. Mother-in-law, wife want him to know Santa's not real.

Yes, and a lot of reasons I didn't tell him this year was because my father-in-law passed away in May, so I didn't want him to have to lose his grandfather and Santa kind of the same year. But now, as we go into middle school, I'm also realizing that a lot of other kids are going through puberty. And so I'm wondering...

For efficiency reason, I had a thought of should I tell him at the same time, have the birds and bees talk, and also have the Santa talk? But now I'm rethinking that and being like, those two things aren't really connected. Your dick will grow when you get older. Slow down. You're going really fast. For sure, these are separate conversations.

Talking about the first... Yeah, your balls dropping and puberty and sex and hormones. And Santa, it's very different. Your mother and I. You're going to get hair where you pee from. Yeah, no, no, no, no. I'm with Jude on this. I don't know if my cycle's ready for me to deal with. I'm still with you, Mike. Men do have a hormonal cycle. Their hormones spike. I like the two of her. They start to decline as the day goes on. It's a 24-hour cycle. But...

But yeah, those. OK, so let's separate those two ideas. Love the idea, though. Yeah. Love. Time is money. Santa's fake. You're a man soon. Boom. Boom. I got everything done in one minute. Hey, don't worry. He's up there crying. Not for long. The band-aids are ripped. He goes like this. He puts something in the toaster. He hits start. He goes, Santa's fake. You like chicks. You really believe a fairy gave you money for your teeth?

Boom. Your toast is ready. Someday you'll have a beard. Pretty soon. So, Mike, we are all 100%, and I'm sure 95% of the listeners are all saying, don't combine the birds and the bees with Santa. But what is the specific question then? Yeah, the question was, should I combine those two? We're going to get you up by 140. I love it. Let me say this, though. Let me say this. I...

I had to tell my 10-year-old this year that there was no Santa. He was nine at the time. And I thought, well, so, guys, it was devastating. I don't want to take us down. I don't want to take us down. Take us down. I might start crying. Oh, boy. It'll be our first year. It's great. It sweeps. Will you reenact it? Gareth, will you be the boy? Well, I need to do both parts, though. So, please, I'm sorry. I just don't work a lot. But, okay, yeah, go ahead.

Here's what happened, and I don't know if this is going to help or hurt, but he had his entire class already knew. And he was the last holdout, bless his heart. And he had started doing research to try to prove that Santa was real.

Okay, that's how much he wanted it. He needed the truth. And once Paul and I started to realize that he was spending his library time researching it in the month of December, we were like, we can't do this to him. Was he doing that because the other kids were starting to say that it was fake? The pressure was mounting. Yes, they were telling him it was fake, and he was like... Hanging on. He was hanging on. Well, so... And by the way, I come from... I married into a big Christmas family. I didn't necessarily come from that, but I married...

Paul Scheer is Santa Claus. He is... For many of us. For many of us. We start December 1. He's got a village that he curates every year. And a new piece comes in every year. And he tells a story. June, your thoughts on this? When you first met it. There's whimsy.

I thought it was delightful. And I didn't quite under... I think he hit a little bit of it till he really sealed the deal. You know, we were like four years in and I was like, oh, wow. I didn't know there was a storage unit. So there were things like it was sort of a slow reveal. But he... I was kind of like, we got to rip the band-aid. And we have to just say it, you know? And so...

our oldest had come up to bed and he was like, "I just, you know, I can't believe these kids." Like, you know, but I identify as a believer. - You said this.

What's that? You said that. No, I didn't. My son did. I identify as a believer. As a believer. Yeah. Because his whole thing was like, well, it's cool if you don't believe there's believers and non-believers. But like, I'm a believer. Yeah, exactly. Like, I take that on. And I said, honey, there's no, Santa Claus isn't real. And I just said it. And I look over at Paul and he's looking at me with such rage.

I have never been stared at by a man like this. I was like, I feel so unsafe here. So alone too. So alone. And later on he's like, well, that's not how I would have done it. And I was just like, at a certain point you gotta, we gotta say what is, you know? Right.

And what I wasn't expecting, and Mike, I hope this is not your story. I think doing it away from Christmas is actually a much better idea. This was on December 23rd. Oh. Okay? But I know it was on December 23rd. Paul's in a Santa outfit. Well, June. And Gus, our son, starts crying hysterically. Yeah, of course. You ruined Christmas. And goes, why didn't you wait? Oh.

And I was like, honey, I thought, because I thought you knew and I thought you were asking us to, I thought you knew and I didn't, you know. But then Paul took over and really had a beautiful conversation with him. A beautiful conversation with him. And he was just like,

He was like, listen, we're telling you now, but from here on out, we will never say Santa's not real. Respect. Oh, that's cool. That's the way to do it. That's very cool. Because now we get to believe in the fun of it. I like that a lot. That is actually a great way to shelve it to children.

So, Mike, we're going to go. The tradition continues. Yes, and you'll never hear me say this again. So we're going to go to you for a little bit here, and I'm going to go opposite of what I said before. Listen, we can all learn and grow. I think you say this. You want a combo platter. I'm going to tell you two things right now that we don't have to talk about it again.

One, you're becoming a man. Your body's changing. If your shorts are wet while you're sleeping, it's called a wet dream. If you start being attracted to women and feeling different things, those are natural hormones. The way babies are made, a man's penis goes in a woman's vagina. Jesus, you really. You do it. And then you go like this. Band-Aids are on. And you go, he's looking at you like. And you go, number dosis.

Santa Claus is not real. Then you go, now how about this? Then you go like this. I'm telling you all this because I love you. Then you go, with this in mind, we never need to have the puberty talk again unless you want to. I'm an open door to talk about it, but I'm not going to embarrass you and bring it up. And two, let's talk about what Santa's going to bring you for gifts next year. And we never need to have this again. Now you know what I know, but also...

You know, let's see what we get. See if that PlayStation 5 arrives. Well, so what I had, and you know, by the way, there's some, I don't know how that is resonating with you, Mike, but there are some, and there's a very famous actress I know who's never told her kid about Santa. She's always. How old's the kid? Call him out.

Call him up, you chicken shit. Well, she said it very publicly, but Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard are of the belief that you never, you never tell children about Santa. I hope this is true. I might have misread it somewhere. Never update them on puberty. You just never say anything. They don't do Santa. And I don't,

I don't, I'm not about that. I'm not about that. You do Santa. I do Santa. But what I had pitched to Paul was like, how about we tell, because I'd read it somewhere, how about we tell him like now he gets to be Santa? And Paul was like, no. Like the Santa Claus, but airborne. I'm not telling him he has to now do work. He still gets to believe and have fun. So Mike-

Has any of this resonated at all with you? Oh, absolutely. And thank you very much for taking the time. I appreciate it. No, I think I, it has, I think that if I decide to go, you know, do both at the same time, I think first of all, I'll pre-try to be Parker told me to do this. And then I will, I will, I will kind of just kind of go straight at it and kind of open door policy. And then,

Yeah, my other thought was just, you know, if I do do it separately, it would be kind of, you know, some space in between them. Actually, why don't we lean into separately? I think let's do separately. I think so. Here's the pitch for Santa, because your kid is going to be how old? Ten. Yeah, ten. It's okay. We still got some time before. Yeah, we got a minute. It's going to be 11. We got a minute. Stop saying that like it's...

10. He's going to be 11. Then the year after that, hold on. He's going to be 12. I guess I didn't understand. 13. Go ahead. Continue. I didn't realize there was a chronology here. That's how it's going to play out. Go on. How about this? Let's do the Santa reveal.

And I think June is right. Let's do it in like July, something like that. Agreed. And why don't we do it in a way where you say, you know, however you want to couch it, but why don't we have a wrapped gift for the end of that conversation? I like that. Lovely gift. Absolutely lovely. And so we tell this all, we reveal it, but we also say, but what that means is that, you know, we can give you a present year round. Or how about this? And here's something you value. How about this? Yeah. At the end of it, there's a gift and it says from Santa and you wink.

It's a confusing message. Is it? Well, because you just said it's not real and then you go, or is he? It's not the end of a movie that you're going to do a sequel to. Five years before your son was five. Well, because see, what you have to contend with, Mike, is what I had to contend with too, is that there's a younger child in the house. Yes. So you do need them to keep it going and you need them to protect this for the younger sibling. There's something about that

in a way that you can maybe lean into too because it is like you now know the secret yeah you're on the other side of this you're on the other side of this but it's important that we preserve it for your younger sibling and also we'll never speak about it again it's a lot of different messages for a child what do you think of the idea of the present first of all I think we're all going I tried to connect the combined don't combine what if the present was condoms never ever

- Never. - Yeah, never. - It's just a pitch. - What if you did the pitch, the Santa thing, you do it over the summer, it ends with a gift, and then he says, "What's this for?" And you say, "For helping keeping this going for your younger sibling."

Yeah. A summer Christmas present. And you go, guess what? You're still getting all the same gifts, but now I need you with me a little bit. And you know what? I'm going to say it here. I like that a lot. I'm going to say it here. I am so committed to this story. I believe in Santa. Paul believes in Santa. That's it. That's fucking it. Period. What? This is not a...

Are you talking about? That's what I'm saying. You have to commit 100%. Joe Biden has said this. By the way, I just heard his interview on Howard Stern this morning. Oh, I didn't. No. So good. It's so good. But anyway, but you just have to commit to like, this is, it's what's fun. It's for kids. And it's so fun for adults. But you're choosing to believe is what you mean. You don't really believe. Yes, but well-

So what did you tell your son at 10? You mania. I did it. Well, I did it wrong and Paul to pick up the pieces. But the end was, he said, you'll never hear us say it again. We believe in sense in this household.

And that was that. He was like, got it. Yeah. He knows he's not going to be embarrassed. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Right. But like in this house. But do you believe in Santa? Absolutely. I think I do. After this conversation. I think I do. I think I do. And I don't believe in puberty. How's that everybody? So Mike, I got to say.

This was one of our weirder ones. It's great, though. I think we got a good solution. I loved it. What is the solution? The gift? The solution is we do it. We do it in a caring way. We make it seem like there's a little bit of exclusivity and we end on a high note with a Christmas gift in July. I think we came to that and I thought we were about to close, but then June said...

I said I believe in Santa, which is what I think, Mike, you need to say after you say there's no Santa. Really? Because that's the fun. It's like we get too wrapped up in like reality. Like that's fun. Christmas is still whimsical and fun. So June, will you as Mike, and I know we got to go.

Will you do the pitch? You be Mike. I want to see how it goes with the ending too. I'm a little confused. I'm not giving a gift at the end. Okay, do it your way. So you've just asked the question. That is Santa real. I'm going to be totally honest with you because you're old enough to handle it. Santa Claus, the person, no, is not real.

And I know that's probably confusing. And mom and dad have been Santa all these years. And I know that's a lot to handle. But this is the cool thing. It's a loss, but it's also you gain so much because now you get to be in on the fun with us. Okay.

Okay? And I want you to know that even though, no, there's not a man on the North Pole that comes down chimneys and goes house by house, that doesn't exist. But I'm going to tell you right now, the magic of Santa, Santa, the idea, is absolutely real. And from this moment forth, in this house, we do believe in Santa. Does that make sense? I said it. I thought it was supposed to make any fucking sense. Okay.

Jake, this is the hardest Jake has laughed on the show. We need to get Paul Scheer on. I think Jake popped a rib. It's harder than I thought. I got a little lost in the sauce thing. That's okay. That's okay. That's okay. If that happens, just explain what semen is. I didn't really land it.

That was weird. It was weird. Oh, Mike. Good luck, man. Mike, you have to keep us posted. Good luck. I will. Thank you so much. Good luck. We appreciate it. Thank you very much. And remember, he is real.

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Hey everyone, producer Kevin here back again. The original call from this next follow-up aired last week on July 1st. It's called Goofin' Around and it's the second call in the episode. So if you'd like to listen as a quick refresher, go for it. Also, we look at a few pictures during this follow-up if you'd like to see those. The link for exactly those spots and the video is in the episode description so you can find that there. Enjoy. Hello.

Hello. Welcome back to We're Here to Help. We know you are a follow-up. Do you want to tell us who you are and what your first call was, please? Yes. My name is Joelle. My first call was I hooked up with my weird neighbor. Oh, right. Oh, right. You do hospice, yes? Yes.

Yes, correct. And you're looking to put this situation on hospice. Okay. And basically you hooked up with the neighbor. You were down for more. The neighbor was really weird. Sending dick pics. Yeah. Joel wanted stuff, but he was just sending pics and not doing it. And she kind of wanted a second round. Yeah. And he was kind of being flaky and strange. And what was our advice? This was a good call. Our advice was send a yeah baby emojis or OBE. Right, right.

Yes. Yes. I did follow that advice. Well, yes. However, the first... Wait, you sent Austin Powers themed replies? Yes. Great. Awesome. Okay. Do we have a screen grab of this, Kevin? You guys ready? Yeah. Hold on. Oh, boy.

Oh, God. O-B-A. And then he wrote L-O-L. What? Okay. All right. Now let's hear you talk. What happened? I just had to send them one GIF, and it's been pretty silent since. He did request one hookup after the fact. He did or you did?

He did. But I declined. And then the other people, the follow up. Yeah. Oh, baby. Oh, yeah. And he sent a couple of spicy texts since then. So it hasn't fixed it. He sent you a couple of hogs. Did you send more no behaves?

So I didn't respond to the last one and it was just text, no photo. What was the text? The text was... It's just a radio show.

radio show um the text was about massaging me like the first time we hooked up something yeah i mean that's a perfect that is it would have been it would have been but at that point i'm i'm done i'm good

Okay, so just so we know, he sent you a hog, you sent him Obehave, he sent you LOL what, you don't respond, he sends a hog, you don't respond, he sends a I'd like to massage you, you don't respond. Yes. Okay, so we're kind of just out of the woods on this?

Well, when was the last massage? Okay. The first hookup. The only massage. No, no, no. When was that massage text? Oh, that was about a week ago. A little over a week ago. Okay. So you tell us where you at right now. How are we doing on this one? Because I feel like you started the great plan.

Yeah. I wanted the O behave after each one. Well, but all we were trying to do is to kind of like send a message to like, get out of here. Fuck off. Take the Austin Powers back as it were. Yeah. I think the message was received with the nudes. I like that one. Okay. Message was received with the nudes. I think now message is received. I actually ran into neighbor yesterday on my way to a date and

Oh, nice. Nice. How was the date? It was great. Okay. Good. Can we give unsolicited advice on the date? I don't know. Don't behave. Yeah, baby. My wife...

No, no, no. Stay in the lane. I agree. They're all the same lane. So basically where we're at is Obehave slowed it down and then you just decided to do the ignore. Now you got a new man. He saw it. He realizes he blew it because the truth is on the first call, you would have been happy to do a round two, but instead of doing it. So our message is to everybody out there.

Every single if you hook up with somebody and you want more and they ask for it Don't just send photos of your genitals. It doesn't work. And if you are on the receiving end Austin Powers gift your way out of it. I think that's right universally if anybody out there is listening and they get an Unsolicited photo of a general and I'm not just saying dick pics because we know those ladies are wild. I

All of a sudden you go, oh, I got a full vagina photo in my inbox. Ruins your day. Oh, behave. Yeah. Yeah. And if you want more, stop sending pics and deliver the package. Yep. Yeah. Beautiful. I will say caller. He did send if you don't mind me sharing. He did send like a nice apology text, which I do feel like also worked. Yeah. Can we see? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Was this post the OBEV apology? Jake, I have to say, Jake, we might have really nailed this one. I feel like, yeah. Will you read it, Garth? Yeah, okay. So he says, Hi, I wanted to say sorry about never coming through, leaving town for a bit, and not keeping you in the loop. For a while there, I was very much not having a good time, so decided to go see family to get out of it. I know it's not that serious because we were just hooking up, LOL, but I wanted to say something...

Uh, cause you're, you're good people. Right. Then you should have written. Oh, behave. Uh, this is me in a nutshell. Yeah. But that's a perfect time for an old behave. So what did she write back? She wrote back. Hey dude, you're all good. No worries. I hope your time away was helpful and you're feeling good now. This is all. Uh,

Or well on your way to feeling good. Yep, feeling much better. Still dealing with some annoying family business stuff. Mentally in a good place. It was much needed. An OBEhave there would have been just... I mean, so what you should say is all of these are normal texts. What about sleeping with my roommate while they're sleeping? And what about random dick pics? OBEhave. You can't crawl out of that weird behavior and go like...

I'm totally normal, actually. Well, look, I think what we were... Look, it was a weird situation. You wanted to just stop receiving hog shots. You got out of that one with Austin Powers, and you got a pseudo-apology, and now a living situation that could be way fucking weird is like, okay, yeah. Because now you're nice to each other. So...

How would you, if you had to give your first call and the solution a grade out of 10, 10's obviously an A plus. No one's asking for a 10, but unless we earned it, a zero is as bad as it gets. Obviously we didn't get that because it was a happy ending time. Assuming we're above a seven, but I'm not going to bully you into it. It is up to you. So what do you think we're at? How would you grade us out of 10? How would you grade us?

Got to be above an eight. I'd say an eight. I'd say an eight. Shockingly low, to be honest with you. Shockingly low. Why an eight? I love our callers. Because we solved the goddamn problem with the Austin Powers stuff. And you didn't do the OBE. You didn't do the OBEs. Well, you did. But listen, I.

I did. Listen, once, once. Look, Jake, we got, look, we, we got an eight. Thank you for the call. That's a beat. Joel, we love you. Good luck. I hope your new dating situation goes well. And congrats. Everyone learned a lesson and we definitely got a nine. Thank you, Joel. Good luck. This is a 10. I'll revise. I'll revise. Okay. So what would you, we're going to reedit it. And what would you rate us? We're going to keep that part in.

Nine. Get out of here. Have a good day. Come on. Come on. Hello. Hi there. Welcome to We're Here to Help. Gentlemen, it's a pleasure. Yeah. That's what I like. Taking the goddamn wheel. Well, it's Jake and Gareth. What's your name, age, and where are you calling from? And then we'll get into the problems.

I'm Sarah. I'm 44, going to be near St. Louis in Illinois. Oh, okay. Okay, sure. What's up? Talk to us. I run a cat rescue, Catty Shack, Illinois. Oh, I know. I know you. How do you guys know each other? Because she, well, why don't you run through that, Sarah? I mean, you send me a lot of great cat stuff.

Yeah, I sure do. So I started listening to the show and for some reason, my friends are laughing. Keep going, Sarah. All right. Um, so I listened to the show. I noticed Garrett likes cats and, uh, so I sent him some Caddyshack merch and then I, uh, went and saw a show and he wasn't too far from here and we're internet bugs now. Yeah. Okay. Where did you see me again? Springfield?

Springfield, Missouri. Yeah. Horrible, horrible Springfield, Missouri. Gorgeous there. Okay. Well, we've established that there's a cat bond. What can we help you with? I need ideas for new fundraisers. I am so tired of doing the bingo and the trivia. I mean, they're great. They bring in money. But I was wondering if you fellas had anything fun to do that would bring in some cash money for the cat.

Yeah, I hear what you're saying. So what are the other ones that you do, Sarah? You did a bingo night? Yeah, we've done bingo. We've done trivia. I was literally writing down cat trivia. And so the idea is that you get people together at Caddyshack headquarters? Usually it's at a venue. It's at a venue. Like a moose lodge, if you will. Okay, I got a pitch. Okay. Cat fashion show. Oh.

You, you get a group of people, you set it up like fashion week where there's a runway and everybody sits around that like long runway and each cat that is up for adoption. Cause it's also, it's a fundraiser. It's also an adoption night. You dress up the cats in little outfits.

and they walk the runway, and then you emcee it, or if Gareth is local, he emcees it, where you go like, next up to the stage is this little beauty that we like to call Pumpkin. And then it's a cat and a pumpkin. Okay. I love everything about it. I'm going to suggest you do this. To add the fundraising part of this, you treat it like those...

and just hang with me for a second, like those bachelor or bachelorette auctions where you can pitch on a date. You walk them out in their outfits and people get to pitch on hanging out with that cat for the night. So they go, to have the cat hang out with me on this little pillow next to me, I'll pay $5. $10. $15. I want pumpkin so bad, I'll do $35. But Sarah, you need the right MC for that.

because then it's got to be, it's $15. You need someone to go like, for $15, I'm going to spend 20 myself because this little bundle of joy is too good. I don't want pumpkin out of my field of vision. I'll do 25. Can anyone beat that? 25 going once, 25 going twice. And then you can go, if there's two people, you could do the same thing where you go like, are you guys both willing to match it? And they go, all right, we've got two people at $50 each and you two people have to sit together and share.

Little Pumpkin's attention tonight. And what it also does is when you do the little outfit thing and you do it like that little auction style, you take pictures and you post that on your social media. And that's a good way for you to be like, look, we're doing really cool shit over here. We had feline fashion. And you keep reminding everybody, you say to everybody, it is an auction. This is all. And then you keep going like, who wants to hang out with this adorable little kitten? And don't forget, everybody, every dollar donated goes to

Caddyshack. None of this is going to anything except for Caddyshack. And does anybody want to meet them?

All right. First up, Sparkles. Sparkles dressed up like a little space kitty. Look at Sparkles, huh? She might be out of this world when it comes to Caddyshack, but her outfit also screams, I'm not even from this galaxy. Does anybody want to meet this little tabby cat who is dressed like a president? That's right. President Tabby. Howard Tab. So you could then have a lot of fun with that. I truly think.

If you could link up to when Gareth is doing stand up near there, you're not going to get a much better MC. And then everybody goes to his show after. Yeah.

I love it. But this could be a big fundraiser that becomes really fun for everybody. Yeah. It's easy for the cats. My wife and kids go to a cat cafe where they, it's at a restaurant. They just, you spend money, you drink a cup of coffee and you just get cat hair in it. And they love it. I like, they're the best. So one of those as an idea, what do you think is something like that?

I think it's brilliant. Yeah. It's something that no one else is doing also, which is also a struggle. So yeah, I love it. And I think what you do on a night like that is not only are you paying for the cat to sit with you, there's an entrance fee because it is a show you're watching a show.

So the show to get in costs 25 bucks. Yeah. So everybody, all that money goes to a caddy shack. Yeah. Then you're going to have certain ones where you hold it towards the end, where you go like, ladies and gentlemen, we had two more cats left and this order was put together for a reason. Yeah. The next cat is so special. And then, oh, great. Right. Great. And then a followup to this is you can do, um,

mr or mrs caddy shack 2024 yes and you do like a miss universe pageant where it's just an entry fee and you do like the people vote so people get to vote for the best cat of the year and then a third one you could do is prom pics with your favorite cat yeah great you set up a very basic camera with a backdrop that looks like uh clouds

And you have like a little box and you dress up and then you are put with a cat of your choice and you leave with a foot and you go like, you come in like a tuxedo and they go like, I'm in a blue tuxedo. This orange cat works perfectly.

You're positioned. You take like a Sears family photo. You get the photo that cost you 50 bucks. You do the thing where you have like a box of like hats, glasses, weird shit for the people that kind of dress themselves up and you get to do the purple. Those are potentially three separate events.

I love it. I don't connect them all together. I don't either. I do each one. I think it's just that we're now doing more show based stuff. Yes. And that part of it is this community goes. It's also a super fun night. Yeah.

And guess what? It cost me a hundred bucks. Well, it's all a write-off. Yeah. And you can have a special cat tail, like a cocktail. Yeah. What would the cat tail be? Oops. See, she likes it. What would it be though? Well, you could just do like a milk. Oh, oh, milk and vodka. A bloody purry. A bloody purry. What would be in that? Just some bloody Mary. Oh, interesting. Yeah. Yeah. You could do a bloody purry and you could do a white Russian because cats drink milk. An old whisker. An old whisker is fun.

This is my dream job. Sarah, I think we led you down a great road. Yeah.

I think you did too. Will you send us the advertisement for that event? Yeah, we can promote it. Kevin's got something. The catchler for the bachelor one. Oh, the catchler. I just want to say, Sarah, sometimes the boys, they warm up, they hit a single, they hit a double. I feel like I watched them hit a grand slam and then another grand slam, which is like not possible when there's no one on base, but they somehow did it. So this was very cool. We appreciate the call, Sarah. Thanks, Sarah. Thanks, guys. All right, bye.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKeon. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

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