98: Your Eyes Won’t Believe What They Chainsaw
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We are.

With a banger on him all day, Gareth and Kevin. Buddy boy and boys, this is a great episode and we are on the precipice of 100. Yes, you're right. We are days away. Less than days away. Get on the goddamn Patreon. Yes, join the Patreon. It's going to be live Thursday, this Thursday. Yes, that's right. The 25th at 5 Pacific. Yep. We're doing it live.

We're doing it live. We're having fun. And for everybody else who doesn't get on the Patreon who goes, what the hell is Patreon? Which would have been the old jankster. Yeah. You're going to hear all the stuff. Maybe. Maybe you won't. Here's what it's going to be. Maybe you will. We're going to break down what the night is. Yeah. We're going to do a live two-hour show for the Patreon. You're going to get everything. Yep. The calls are going to go on the main show. Yep. For 100. And then if there's some extra ones, if it's too long for the main, they'll just go later. As you know, in most shows, we always...

We do calls at different times. And it's help after dark. We're going to be having some cocktails. What are you going to drink? Um...

Do you know? I haven't thought about it. Oh, man, I have wine. Really? Yeah. Unless you have something, unless you have a pitch. I don't want to go crazy with like tequila shots. Yeah, that's what I think. I mean, maybe we start with a tequila. Okay, we'll start with a tequila. Maybe we should start with five shots. Okay, why don't we get blackout and then we'll, why don't we get there? And then we'll have wine. Let's get to Kevin's at two and just get hammered. By the way, an afternoon, we haven't done that together in a while.

years. No, that's right. I tried to do it when we took that New York times photo shoot. Well, what we said, the beer, what we, which was so true because we did the New York times, like the rustic and they wanted us to pour beers on our head because that's sort of our origin story. So we were like, going to pour beers on our head.

And before we were doing it, we just had some sipping beers. Because we were sitting in front of the wings. Yeah, so we were having some sipping beers. And so we were drinking a couple beers while we were shooting. But we were both just like, these are going down so good. Well, it started off, you know, because there's work and there's hangs. And they are different. And so we haven't had a lot of hangs in a while because you're on the road, we live in different places, blah, blah, blah. So it's been work. And when it combines, it was the alcohol. Because a photo shoot for me...

You know me. I have ideas of what I'm trying to do. It's like I'm pretty much in and out. Yes. Oh, yeah. Until you take a fucking sitting next to you in the bar that we hang out. How you saying out of the bar that we first hung out in? Yeah. Sipping a beer. Yes. I thought I could text my wife. I'm out for the rest of the day with Gareth.

Gonna leave the car. And I'm like, I haven't had, I haven't gotten drunk in over a year. Oh, we were both so, and what we did too is we did this thing, which I've had before too, where we both are like, oh, it's good. And then we were like, when we get back home, we're going to drink more. But then it was like 90 minutes later and it was like, and for me, you know what I'm excited about for Thursday is,

Not pulling back. Yeah. Yeah. Letting her rip. Well, how often do you drink, Kevin? When was the last time you got drunk? I wouldn't say drunk, but I drank last night. Okay. How many? A couple. Okay.

Okay. What did you drink and what a couple of two? Well, sorry to bring it down. My grandma passed away. I had three old fashions in her honor. Leah said, oh, does she like old fashions? And I said, no, she didn't really drink. It's just a hell of an excuse. Yeah. So my grandma passed away. I went to a casino in Reno. I love

$1,500 in honor. Did your grandma gamble? No, not particularly so, but I was up at $1,3900. Wait, I'm sorry. What's going on? But I am down $1,500. Love you, Nana! Hopefully you left me a little something. Hopefully it's more than $1,500 because there was also the commute and then I spent some weird shit in Reno. They're going to break my nose. These guys are serious. They're not fucking around, Nana! These aren't nice people. I'm in a bad spot!

I'll have a few bottle options for us. We also have a fan that gave us some whiskey that I wanted to pop open for the big hundo. Oh, our whiskey. And some even surprises with the alcohol I'm excited about. That's great. What are you going to drink for the show, Kevin? Old-fashioned?

in honor of Nona. Yeah. The chat, people are really excited about engaging in the chat. And I'm going to, during the calls, pitch one or two of the ideas at the end. Oh, that's great. That people are suggesting. And where are they suggesting this? That's great. In the chat on Patreon. Yep, exactly. There's going to be a live YouTube stream and there's going to be people on the chat there. It's all connected to the

Patreon will be super easy. We will be pitching your ideas during the chat. You should pitch a good one and a bad one. You're going to be reading them and then pitching them as you. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm going to, and I'll give you, I'll shout you guys out for the ideas. We'll see if the caller goes with it. There might be some merch giveaways, some surprises. There's going to be a, I have. You got some surprises. Literally during this intro, a surprise locked in. Confirmed for the. That Gareth and I don't know about. Correct. Yeah. Yeah.

Gareth, when was the last time you drank? Well, you know, I don't drink that much on the road because I'm like... So when I come back, I give myself a few days. I wouldn't say got drunk, but over the weekend, I was putting back some... When you're putting back at home, no work, you're back from the road, what are you drinking? Just wine. So you love wine? I do because I had to get off the hard booze because it was like...

Eventually, I got blackout drunk at a fucking wedding like three years ago. It's embarrassing. And it was embarrassing. For guys of our age. The level of anxiety I felt the day after was, I was like, I can't do, I can't do a mixed drink. I just stick to wine. I can keep a better read on myself. There's something,

charming about getting drunk in your 20s. Yes. There's something wild about getting blackout drunk in your 30s. Yes. There's something sad about looking like you're in a 90s R&B band. Getting drunk in your 20s. It was like I was petting a cat, but I was like, this is a panther. I didn't know I was going there.

But when you get drunk, it's different. When you get blackout drunk in your 40s, it's not the same. It's not cute. It's not. It's people worry. It's sad. It's sad. It's like when someone has to walk you out of a bar at 42. Or when you barf and go like, I'm fine. Yeah. They're like, you're not. You're...

Your body is too old to be barfing from booze at, at your age is sad. Anyway, everybody, uh, we really enjoy. I was driving home the other day and, uh, saw a lady pull over young lady barfing out of the side of her car. And I got to say, it was one of the coolest things I'd seen in a while, just in terms of like human intimacy. Yeah. I'm in my little like car bubble listening to like my stupid podcast, whatever I was listening to some song. And I was like,

16 minutes to home, 15 minutes and 50 seconds to home. There's a weird car there. My eyes are going there. 15 minutes and 30 seconds. There's a lady barfing! Wow! Seeing the barf come out, seeing her shoulder, I was like, whoa! And then I just kept driving, and I was like, that was wild. I wish she knew that while her day was ruined, she made another's. I had a meeting yesterday in...

West Hollywood with Sean. Cool. For the movie and we were meeting at some like West Hollywood. There's some like new cool club. Oh, nice. And while I was driving down there, I saw a homeless guy take his pants down taking a dump on the street near Laurel Canyon. Nice. And I had the same reaction. I was like, that's awesome. You're really having a... Saw a heavy set dude's butt cheeks while he was squatting over with his sweatpants short pulled down and I thought...

Gotta let it rip, my king. Yeah, listen. Get it out. Sometimes you gotta go. On the drive to one of these recordings last week, a guy pulled over, he'd...

was on the off ramp. I would say nowhere near as like hidden as he should have been like very more close to the highway side. And it was intimate in a way that I was not ready. By the way, with the drives I do, I'm that guy a lot. You just pull over and go. If I'm in the middle of nowhere, I will be like, I don't give a fuck. Yeah. Yeah. It can be bad. You just drove from New York state to LA. Yeah.

That's wild. You talk about getting weird. Yeah. Yeah, it gets weird out there. Yeah, it does. We did like 22 hours straight. Oh, my God. Yeah, you learn a lot about yourself. Oh, for sure. And the stuff you learn is nonsense. And none of it's good. And enjoy the episode without further ado. ♪

This is Morgan. Hey, Morgan. Wow, Morgan. Holy shit. You know what I like about you, Morgan? You're not waiting for anyone to ask. Yeah, you're like a lawyer. You gotta move. Time is money. I know what your problem's gonna be. Some people say I'm too aggressive. Yeah, no, that's true. I don't know how to start calls. Morgan, where are you calling from, buddy?

So I'm calling from Southeast Ohio. Ohio? Right next to West Virginia. Oh, yeah, Ohio. Are you... Oh, I spell it, my man.

O-H-I-O? O-H-I-O. Okay, respect. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Are you laying that out a little thick because you know we're... Are you trying to impress us? Yeah, are you trying to start a conversation? Because I've been to Ohio. I've talked to Ohioans. I've never heard someone call it Ohio. Yeah, hey, Morgan, I was going to say, are you flirted? Because I'm into it. I'm not liking it. So, Morgan, Ohio. Just with Gareth. Oh, weird. I like it even more now.

What a weird answer. So Morgan, Ohio age. Yeah. Yeah. I'm 31. And Morgan, Ohio, 31 slight crush on Gareth. Welcome. Uh, what can we do for you today? Yep. So here, here's my deal. Um,

I like to make chainsaws go faster. And so because of that, I have organized a chainsaw race. And in light of that, the local news station has decided they'd like to do a story. And frankly, I'm not sure. It's a twofold question. How do I explain what it is in a way that the average guy is going to hear that and go, I got it.

And also not sound like an idiot. Yeah. Well, also, how do we make this news story more exciting? I great point, Jake. Morgan, will you explain? Because I you haven't explained it to a point where I understand what exactly you're doing. What what do you mean you're making them go faster?

Yeah. So what does that mean? It's just a motor. It's just like a hot rod in your car. You can modify it. It goes faster. Sure. And so for a race, we see who goes the fastest. And how are you raising that? You're raising it because you're like cutting the wood. Who cuts the wood fastest?

Yeah. Okay. Okay. I see. So essentially it's like a lumberjack competition, but you see who can cut through a log fastest based on the changes they've made to their chainsaw motor. Morgan producer, Kevin jumping in. I'm going to, I'm going to show them the clip you sent. Awesome. Thank you. Yeah. Competitors ready. Three, two, one. Go. Okay. So, okay. Oh, I've seen this before. Okay. Okay. Right.

I don't always have that as a mean. I think I really shit the bed. I think that's pretty cool. So you're doing a news story. Anything to his, uh, he had a slow, uh, chainsaw. Yeah. So you're doing a news story and you want to figure out how to make this as clear as possible. What you're doing. Is that correct? Is that the question? Yeah, that's pretty much the G can.

Can we pitch on the question a little bit? Because if we have an opportunity for local news to come, I think there's a way to make this really fun for you, for what you're trying to do and for us.

Yep. Okay. Can we create a look for you, a personality? Can we turn this into a little bit of WWE? Yep. Can we not only turn you into the guy who makes fast chainsaws, but the guy who's made the fastest chainsaws ever and everybody else is secondary? Well, let me introduce you to a pseudo superhero I call Motor Man. Now we are talking. All right, so let's get started. Motor Man!

So Motor Man has a bit of a Rocky Balboa entering the ring vibe to some extent. Motor Man does not have sleeves. No sleeves. No sleeves. Motor Man has a we're here to help hat. Oh, wow. Listen to Jake. Okay. Yeah, I love it. Jake, you know I love it. And why don't we say that, yeah, because it's a hard thing to convey that

on the news and you don't have a lot of time. So why don't we go the infomercial for Motor Man? So why don't we have a log there with a chainsaw just fresh off the shelf of Lowe's or something like that? And why don't you say, how many times has this happened to you? You start that chainsaw and you slowly cut through the wood and you go, but after

After you go through the motorman chainsaw motoring course, this is what you're dealing with. And you do three of those quick slices through the log with your souped up chainsaw. So before we start pitching on this, Morgan, because obviously this is exciting for us, what do you think of this zone?

I have one question. Okay. What is my walkout music? I've seen enough WWE. We got to have a good walkout song, right? Great question. Agreed. He's playing ball. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So the question is the news, the people are coming to do a story on you, right? Yeah. So they're going to have a little bit of... They're not going to let you fully run the show. They're not going to say, where do you want to shoot? They're producing the segment. You are just the guy. Yeah. So...

What you have to do is steamroll. So if you have a walkout song, you almost have to reveal the boombox. It's so funny. I know, but it's so funny because I'm like, Jake is about to give you some kind of like, you got to pick your battles. But Jake's like, you got to hide the opening song. Well, you know what you see, Morgan? You'll see this with certain stand-ups who do morning shows.

where they'll have, and I've done all those morning shows. They're very well run. They're very sweet. They're just talking to like a few people watching at home. And then you have a couple of standups who, while they're in,

Ohio and a small market and they're doing stand up that night. They just steamroll the interview. Well, you're up at 6 a.m. But they're making it less about the people watching and more about the people watching online. Yes. So that's what we're pitching to you. Yes. The interaction with the local news is going to be awkward and it's not going to feel great.

Now, do you know, how are they producing this piece? Is this just going to be at the event? There's someone there covering it live? Or at your house. Or are they going to be doing a piece on you? You'll appreciate this, Gareth. The guy's name is Gil McClanahan. I don't know why I'd appreciate that. My name's Gareth. Go ahead. Well, yeah, no, but I mean, 68 and Balmy. Ones and twos. Anyway. Never heard of him.

I bet you have. So I think he's planning on coming up the week before and doing a bit to help promote it. Great. Leading up to the event itself. Well, great. I kind of think what you should do is you should, you know,

Let him know that when he gets there, that when you do these events, you kind of play the character of Motor Man a little bit. Yes. So he might want to interview you and talk about how this started, but we could still get some Motor Man stuff. Or...

he just interviews motor man or when he comes there, he's brought a crew and that you're not going to break character. And what's your facial hair situation, Morgan? It's a great question. It's sad. I need to shave. No, no, no, you don't. Well, you need to shave part of it. Maybe a full beard.

No, I've got a light mustache and it's getting a little patchy under the chin. Okay, so shave the chin. Let's give the mustache the spotlight. Darken the mustache. And let's just ferment the stache. Mascara on that thing. We'll turn it from a light mustache to a cellic.

Oh, these are the tricks of the trade. I don't know this stuff. Yes. And your hair, what are we doing on top? How are we looking? I keep it high and tight. High and tight. Okay, that's fine. Might I suggest a king's crown? What's a king's crown? Oh, like a linear crown. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A motorman king's crown. Motorman king's crown, like you're the king of chainsaws. And what about a t-shirt that has written on it, motorman fastest chainsaw in Ohio? Yep.

I can get a shirt made, yeah. That's not a problem. And so he comes in, you have an attitude. You got a vibe. And when we're talking about Motorman, Morgan, what kind of voice could Motorman do? Now, here's what you don't want to be. You don't want to do an interview dressed up like a goddamn clown and be interviewed and be civil and normal because now you're half in, half out. More pecans? Yeah, that's nothing. Here's what I would like you to do. Gareth, will you be the announcer? I'm sorry, the newscaster.

Uh, okay. So, uh, Morgan, I, uh... Let me tell you about Motor Man! Motor Man's got the fastest chainsaw in Ohio. You don't believe me, Mr. Buchanan? Well, listen to this. I can cut through anything. I can cut through wood. I don't lose. And I will not lose next Saturday. Because all I do is win, win, win, win, win. You can take... And then right to camera. You can take your slow baby motors all around your farms. But you bring it next Saturday? What?

I'm talking to you, Pennsylvania. You think you're the chainsaw capital of the United States? You're out of your mind. You view the way wrestlers do those interviews. You find competitors' names, Morgan. Do you know who you're going to be going against? Well, so I've actually, I'm the one putting the whole thing together. We have guys from Pennsylvania coming. Yes. Do you know their names? I know who they are. Why not single out the best one?

Yeah. Like, let's say there's the guy like Josh Sherbourne, right? You go, I'm talking to you, Joshy boy. Yeah. Josh, the squash Sherbourne. I'm coming at you. Hey, soft hands, Josh. Hey, I'll tell you what. Hey, Josh, baby motor Sherwood. Josh Sherbourne.

don't know how to hold a chainsaw he needs his brother behind him to treat it like it's dirty dancing then you put your arm around the uh buchanan and you go like this let me tell you man i will not be disrespected not in my hometown not for these beautiful people of southeast ohio because i love these people yeah yeah yeah and you're respectful to him he's in on it but

These people have pissed you off, Motor Man. Yes. Because they don't understand that you got the fastest motor in this side of the Mississippi. And you can say, and that's why I'm telling everybody, come out for this event. You're not going to believe what your eyes just chainsaw. What do you think you're going to see? I'm going to tell you what you're going to see. You're going to see the fastest motor you've ever seen on a chainsaw. It's going to make your eyes go go.

It's going to make your ears burn. It's going to make your nose water. I've got an old adage of my own. If a tree falls in a wood and no one's around to hear it, does it make a noise? When I'm sawing it down, you better believe it does, brother. What do you think of that, Morgan? I love it. It feels weird to think about actually doing it. Okay. Hey, Morgan. Gosh, I might be dumb enough to try. You could have put the brakes on 20 minutes ago. No, but hold on, Morgan.

let's try it right now oh jake all right jake so i'm gonna interview you as the guy the only reason i'm not having you doing is i want to get to him doing the thing can i produce yeah i just want to stand here yeah uh so i'm gonna be buchanan and i'm gonna interview you and morgan you can't do this halfway right so if you're gonna commit the only way you lose as motorman

is if you're 25% motor man, then you're just a weird guy. If you believe it, you're a motor man. Okay. So ready? But can I, can I go a creep route on the voice real quick? Sure. Yes. All right. All right. Hit me. Start us up. Can't wait. Okay. Hi, we are here outside of a, um, Ohio with a Morgan to talk about a chainsaw competition that you're putting together of the Saturday after next. Is that right? Morgan?

Yeah, hey, now listen. Let me tell you something. Morgan ain't here. This is Motor Man, and I build the fastest chainsaws you've ever seen down here in these hills. I'm telling you, if you want to come out next Saturday, there are people from Pennsylvania. I'll tell you, Nate's up there. We got Ethan from over in Ohio who thinks he's fast, but he ain't fast or nothing now. They're going to come down here and learn what it means to race a chainsaw, and that's just the way that it is. This is Motor Man selling you. Next Saturday in Rio Grande, we're going to compete.

And y'all is going to lose. And that's just the way that it is. No, no. You understand McGill? I love it. It's perfect. I love it. How do you feel about it? Perfect. Morgan. I don't know how to feel. I might, I might just go with it. I might do the hat. It's perfect. I would get, I would also, I would also wear some of those shitty, like gold Elvis glasses, because I feel like if you don't have to make direct eye contact, that's going to give you a little bit of protection.

But isn't that the whole bit of like the Undertaker and the Hogan? Like they look, they make eye contact. I would say don't do the glass. If you start with them, rip them off. Yeah. Just get your seal. Oh yeah. Yeah. But Morgan, you're, you're there, dude. That's it. I think I, and again, here's what I will say.

Don't do the 20%. Don't be like, I made a shirt that says Motor... Go for it. You're gonna do it. This guy's there. Go for it. Yes. Get the shit. And Gareth's ending line of, let me ask you something right to camera. If you cut down a tree in the forest...

If a tree falls in the woods and nobody's around to hear it, does it make a sound? You better believe it does when I'm there, brother, because I saw that baby down. And then you can also always tag it. You're a salesperson and you can hear it again next Saturday at the blank, blank, blank.

And you just keep selling. You got to pay for the whole seat, but you only need the edge. Thanks, Greg. Yeah. Morgan, your money in the bank, man. And then when you're doing it, send us the news clip. Oh, my God. And send us some footage of the thing. This is a massive win for you. Might I also say, send us the completed outfit before they come over.

so we can get a sense of what you're dealing with. And if you need a pep talk leading up to it, if you're starting to have doubts, if someone's in your ear going, hey, Morgan, think about long-term. No, you call us again and we'll give you a little pep talk. When is this interview? He hasn't actually set a date. He said it'd be about the week beforehand. So I think I've got about a month. Okay, great. So start putting it together. Feel free to follow up with us when you get the look. We're happy to take a look at it, but you're in a great zone, man. I like it.

Awesome. Hey, let me tell you, can I tell you the name of the event? Sure. Yeah. Well, so we're calling it the Appalachian Saul shootout. Cool. Okay. Which sounds cool and all, but I mean, you got to abbreviate it, right? Sure. To what? Appalachian Saul shootout. You know, the first three letters. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Ass. That's right. There you go. Yeah. Okay.

Sometimes. That one didn't land at all, did it? No, well, you know, it's like, you know, we're driving, we're all having a great drive, and then you're like, hey, mind if I put my foot on the brake for a minute? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, congratulations on sneaking that one through the sensors. Morgan, it's a win, man. If you do the ass thing on TV, they're going to have to cut that out. Yeah.

We won't have to cut out of ours, but just go hard with the character. The guy's money. Motor Man. All right. But you're in a good zone. Yeah, I'll send some stuff in. All right, Motor Man. You're going to like it. We love you, Motor Man. Appreciate the help, guys. All right, buddy.

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Hi. Hey, how you doing today? I'm good. How are you? Good. Welcome to the podcast. We're happy to have you. Thank you. Can we get your name, your age, and what you're calling about? And also, where are you? So I was going to do more. Stephanie. Yeah, you're right there. That was wrong.

I'm 20. I'm from Michigan. And so my what I'm calling for advice on is I'm a member of a Big Ten college marching band. And because of that, I believe that marching band is a sport.

But some of my best friends refuse to acknowledge that marching band is a sport. This has been an argument that we've been having since high school. And I just need suggestions on a way I can finally convince them that marching band is a sport. Great call. Very clean. Really fast. Yeah, you jumped into it. Good work. Yeah. Gareth, is marching band a sport? Well, Jake...

I've never thought of it as a sport, but I'm open to changing that perspective. Do you think it's a sport?

No. Kevin, do you think marching band's a sport? I was in marching band for 10 years. Not surprising. Agreed. Everything's surprising, though. Keep going. I would say it is challenging physically, but it is not a sport. I also don't see it as a sport. The only reason I say that, Stephanie, is that's where we're starting from. Can you now convince us why marching band is a sport?

Yeah, so I think it's a sport just because it's the same physical level as any type of sport. As my college marching band, personally, we rehearse an hour and a half every day of the week, longer the night before game days and on the day of game days. We're constantly going back and forth the length of the football field, doing high steps, and on top of that, we're playing music.

I agree. It's challenging. I have a question, Stephanie. Who are you playing against? At the college level, it's more for show, but there are other competitive levels of marching bands. So there are at high school levels, there are marching band competitions where you're getting rated on how well you're marching. Okay.

There's like drum core that's competitive. So it also has a competitive component. And so you can be graded on it and your grades are in competition with other marching band's grades. So how you march, how you play, what your uniforms, that's how you win marching band?

Yeah, that's how in the marketing band competition. Kevin, how's it deeper than that? Kevin just lit a cigarette. How's it deeper, Kevin? It is crazy, to Stephanie's point, it's crazy how hardcore it can get. I auditioned for DCI, Stephanie, I feel you. I'm curious, what instrument do you play? I play the clarinet. Ooh, why, Kevin? Yes. It is still physically challenging,

It's not the heaviest instrument. Yeah, if you're talking tuba or drum... Yeah, but she's part of it. Look, a place kicker on a football team is still an athlete. Yes. Well, not to the other guys in the locker room. But still, but they play a sport. Stephanie's thing is she views marching band as a sport. But she's... I am...

dubious of that claim, but that's a little irrelevant because we just need you to figure out a way to convince the people around you that it is. But I'm coming around what she's saying now. That's why, because... Yeah, I should mention... Yeah, go ahead. One of my friends that I'm trying to convince this point to is an avid listener of the podcast. She introduced me to it. Respect. We like her a lot. What's her name? Her name is Danielle. Shout out, Danielle. What's up, Danielle? Yeah, but again, and that's great, but we can't just...

I want you to win this. Yeah. So the only thing I'm thinking is how can we make it so that it seems like it is a little more intense, competitive sport like. But it is. Yeah, but that's but her friends know that. And they do the marching band that I'm in. We audition are marching every single week to determine who makes the block for the football game. I mean, look, so it's so here's my question to you, Stephanie, because now we got to get to the center of this thing, because what I'm hearing from you and what I'm seeing from Kev, the hunk.

Is marching bands pretty intense? It's pretty serious. There's a lot of stakes to it. It's pretty hard. It's rigorous.

Can I ask you a question? Who gives a shit if people call it a sport or not? Maybe it's greater than a sport. You know what a sport is? A couple of geeks kicking a ball at each other being like, you stepped out of bounds, Larry. No, I didn't. No, I didn't. You're a bunch of geeks with a rubber ball. We're making music while marching. We are therefore greater than you. We provide the music at your event.

So we might, we might be able to spin something. If somebody goes, you're in marching band, it's not a sport. You go, thank God it's not. It's greater than. Oh yeah. Cause to convince it to sport, you're, you're trying to, if you're an orange and an apple says you're not an apple, you're trying to say like, but I also kind of am.

You're juicier, baby. You're juicier. I think it's that... That's a good point because I'm trying to think of, like, ways to make it seem more like a sport. And...

I think maybe, I mean, if you're open to it, like it is just a bit of a shift in your mind. I think there are ways where you can make it seem more intense through maybe an experience that we juice up a little bit. Okay. The term sport maybe is what's boxing you in. Let me ask, Kevin, how would you define sport? I'm looking at the definition right now. Okay, what is it?

An activity involving physical exertion and skill in which an individual or team competes against one another or others for entertainment. So that's it. So that thing right there, Stephanie, will you write this down? Kevin, will you say it again? And when they ask, when you have the debate, you literally go. You just need to have this ready to go. And if you have it memorized, you can go like this. I'm sorry, but the definition of sport is actually. I think that's good. Kevin, are you writing this down, Stephanie? Yeah.

Yes, I am. We're going to do a little role play here to see if you win. Yeah. Quick personal story before we hop in with the hypothetical, Stephanie. I lost 15 pounds in marching band my freshman year in college. And I have like kind of a big transformation in high school as well. I do think there is like it can be, as you know, physically draining in a way that

D1 players who aren't getting any play time are not getting at all. So I do think there is a level of the physical exertion of it that you can really... That's a great point. But also this definition, we've got it. The definition's great. Also, it's great to just learn more about Kevin. The more the onion peels... It's always going to be amazing. The more I love the dish. So Stephanie, we're in a bar.

We're not drinking because you're 20, so you're drinking cranberry sodas or something like that. Jake and I are hammered. I'm 22. Oh, I'm 20. Yeah, what's up? Gareth will be your friend, Danielle. Okay. Gareth, who shall I be? Why don't you be Trey? Danielle's boyfriend or just a guy at the bar? Danielle's boyfriend. Okay.

And so, Stephanie, you and your girl are having the same old debate, doing your thing. And then at a certain point, see if you can win with this. And that is the quote. OK, let's just see what happens. Let's play it real. And then you tell us if you're going to try this.

Oh, my arm is so sore from volleyball practice yesterday. Yeah, you were fucking crushed. I really was. I'm able to get the serve in, like, first serve all the time with a little more velocity. Well, it's just, I mean, that's what I love about sport is lacrosse player. It's like, you got to fucking go out there, you got to grind it out. Oh, we shouldn't be talking about that in front of Stephanie. Why? Well, she probably hates sports talk. She doesn't do sports. No, but, like, you do cool stuff. Hey, I do marching band. Guys, my legs are sort of in marching band right now.

Uh, not a spore. Not a spore. It's

Honestly, Stephanie, are you being serious? Don't you play the clarinet or something? Dude, trust me, Trey. We do not want to do this again. It's not a sport. It's not a sport. Let me give you a quick definition here. You're yelling in the bar. The definition of sport doesn't say anything about a ball. Okay, what does it say? Webster? Yeah, Webster. A sport.

physical activity or skill in which a team or a singular person can compete for the entertainment of others. Are you okay? What are you doing? You're being really weird. Here,

Here's what you need to tee it up with, Stephanie. We'll run it right back. I think you should say, well, just so you know, the dictionary completely disagrees with you. The definition of sport is... And then fast. Yeah, get into it. Let's try it again. All right. I know, I'm sorry for me not saying volleyball practice. You did lacrosse. That's amazing. Yeah. Oh, man. We probably shouldn't talk about this in front of Stephanie. She doesn't have any idea what it's like to compete in sports. You don't do no sports? No, she doesn't do no sports, Trey. Why don't you do no sports? Trey's not from a good part. Oh, go ahead.

The dictionary definition of a sport is an activity involving physical exertion or skill. Stephanie, Stephanie, you got to breathe a little. Yeah. I like it. I like it. We're getting closer. We are. But Stephanie, you got to go back to the girl you were before this. You got great personality. You're charming. You're not a weird robot going at like three times speed. Yes. So just let's get back in here. And you know what? This is what I would say.

I think, in a way, this is such a good argument. Enjoy it a little bit. Agreed, because it can't be this. Shut the fuck up, Trey. The definition of the web is the lie that the dictionary says. We're back. And we're going to try to make it hard for you, Stephanie, but you're going to win here. We're going to lose. Oh, well, she doesn't play sports. Yo, did you see the Michigan State game? Oh, that was awesome.

Double overtime? That was crazy. That's a sport. I love sports. I love you. Stephanie, as a girl in marching band, don't talk sports. You play music. But Trey, you don't even know. She always tries to say marching band is a sport. Wait, Stephanie, you actually think that marching band is a sport? Yeah.

I mean, guys, come on. A sport involves physical activity. I mean, marching band, we're constantly going back and forth across the field. So is hiking. That's not a sport. So does camping. Yeah, I feel like you don't have a definitive argument. But it's not a sport. Look, I think marching band is really cool, Stephanie, but it is not a sport. He's getting heated. See, there's also a skill level to marching band, though. I mean, we're going forwards and backwards all while playing our instruments. How about calligraphy?

Doing calligraphy, there's skill level. Oh, I'm an athlete. I do calligraphy. It's just that's nice. Just so you know, we have our I know what calligraphy is. I just didn't know. I mean, we're all really young.

Yeah, true. According to that dictionary definition, every point I gave you is the point in the dictionary definition of the sport. What dictionary point are you talking about? You haven't mentioned that yet. Yeah, I haven't heard anything about a dictionary, which I think would be really definitive in this argument for you. In the Merriam-Webster dictionary, a sport is physical activity involving skill level and competition for entertainment of others. Is that true? Hmm. Hmm.

Yeah. Well, then sports defined weird. Yeah. The way you just but I guess it is technically a sport. Fine. Yeah.

Stephanie. Throw all social definitions aside based on the dictionary. It's a sport. Boom. Good. There you go. And may I? Way better. I would get to that. And I also think if you want, I like Kevin's argument of the idea that like a D1 bench player is doing way less shit than you are. Yes. Do you want to? You know how you could win this debate really fast, Stephanie? Do you want to define it by your personal taste or the dictionary, guys?

Yeah. And they'll go, oh, that's great. What do you mean? Well, we could argue that with me. OK. Oh, yeah. But yeah. But Stephanie, March, Stephanie, marching band isn't a sport, Stephanie. So whatever. Listen, do you want to define it with your personal definition or with a dictionary? Huh? Well, what's the dictionary say? Dictionary says sport is physical activity with skill and involving competition for entertainment of others. End of discussion. You've won the debate.

What else is there to say? Yeah. I like it. You can go like, well, I disagree with the dictionary. Okay. I agree. Okay. And then I think, yeah, I think you're just like, all right, well, you can live in your world where language doesn't matter. And then when they start going, debating it, just look at them like they're crazy. Yeah. Like this. Okay. You got some weird stuff with. Gaslight them. Gaslight them. Be like, I can see this is a touchy, weird subject for you. So whatever. Yes. Defined sport. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. You should write into the dictionary. That's funny. You should start your own dictionary where words aren't defined by the way they used to be. Danielle's weird dictionary. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I like to use a traditional dictionary. Sure, whatever you want to do. Why don't you write your definition down on a napkin so you're the only one who has that?

Hey, Stephanie, before we let you go, I would just say if people are being nasty to you, you can just the quick way to say it is I'm on the field a lot more than your bitch ass. Yeah. Shut it down there. Yeah. Our next caller is in the waiting room. I want to try something out. I want you to convince the caller. Oh, great. That.

marching band is a sport we'll see we'll just try it for a minute okay if they're not into it we'll see we'll have to workshop later but let's see how this goes kevin you do the intro transition you got it and then afterwards we'll say hi yeah okay hello caller hi can we get your name age and where you are calling from please good work kb

Yes. My name is Kira. I am 24 years old and I'm calling from New York City. Kira, thank you much for doing the show. I got the guys with us. We got you in a special situation right now, which is we're wrapping up a call. We're trying to help a caller out.

So we're going to have her take it from here and we're going to see how believable of a job she did was. So we're going to basically wrap up her call with you before we get into your call. How does that sound? That sounds great. Kira, what do you think? Do you think that marching band is a sport or not a sport? Oh, I would call that an art. OK, so Stephanie, what do you think of that?

And now Stephanie and Kira, you guys can talk about that. It's just the two of you. Yeah. So, I mean, Kira, are you going to define a sport the way that you personally would define it or the way a dictionary would define it? Oh, shit. Well, yeah, I guess it's subjective. Sport is subjective. I define it how I define it. Yeah, I guess it's like athletic. But yeah, so I mean...

In a dictionary, sport is actually defined as a physical activity involving skill in which an individual or a team competes against another team for entertainment purposes. And marching band actually checks all of those dictionary definition boxes.

Well, touche. I can argue. Stephanie. Stephanie, congrats. That was awesome, Stephanie. You crushed it. Way to go. Kira, thank you, Stephanie. Thanks, Stephanie. Kira, stick around. It's your turn. Thank you, Stephanie. Thanks, Stephanie. Thank you. Fuck yes. Holy cow, was that nice. That was fucking great.

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who now is just back to hunk, is a big fan of Hungry Root, as we all are. But you have a little story, Kevin. I've for years have been looking for a meal delivery service that caters to vegans. A lot of them do not have a vegan version. They're closest they have is a veggie. And those aren't

really that good. I literally Googled three months ago, best vegan delivery service, Hungry Root popped up. I have for three months had it delivered for, I get a box of five meals a week, every single week. I love it. Super easy to make. Lee and I have a blast making them. And you've never looked better. I feel great. Yeah. Highly recommend it. I'm a huge fan of Hungry Root.

We love them. And right now, Hungry Root is offering We're Here to Help listeners 40% off your first delivery and free veggies for life. Just go to HungryRoot.com slash Here to Help to get 40% off your first delivery and get your free veggies. That's HungryRoot.com slash Here to Help. Don't forget to use our link so they know that we sent you. All right. The floor is yours. How old are you again, sir? 24 in New York City. 24 in New York. Okay.

That was great. She came in so hot in the best way. Excellent. All right, Kara, start talking. What do you got? Okay. So basically the situation is I've been seeing this guy for a little bit and it's really great. Except like every time that I kiss him, he gives me a rash on my face.

Yeah, stubble? Well, that's what I thought. But I've seen him multiple times. And the first time it happened, yeah, he had stubble. So I was like, dude, I can't do that. Please, you're going to have to shave next time I see you. And he's such a good sport. He did shave, fully clean shaven. Gave me maybe an even worse rash that time. And then I saw him again. He let it grow out a little bit. Gave me a rash again.

I like it. It's so bad to the point where I like went to the dermatologist. I was like, please, I need you to help me. Like, because I actually really like him, unfortunately. And so they like gave me it. Just there's no hope. So I don't know if I should keep seeing him, to be honest. When you said no hope, what did the dermatologist say? The dermatologist gave me this like $250 cream that didn't do shit.

$250? What kind of cream is $250? It sounds weird that you'd be doing the cream also a little bit. But there must be, is there, what did they, what did the derm say? Was there something about like the oils of his face are reacting to the oils of your face? I would love an answer like that. They just were like, you just have a rash girl. Like, I don't know what to tell you. Here's a cream. What was the cream?

Something the weirdo found in the back. Off the top of my head? Yeah. Off the top of my head, I don't know. Okay. Well, he's like, I'll make my own tincture in the back. And you go like, just fucking tell me Sarah V or something like that. Yeah. So, okay. So this is a tough one. So you like this guy. What are we calling him? Okay. This is so brutal. But because of the situation, all of my friends and I, like, we actually just call him Chinrash. So we can call him Chinrash. Chinrash. Wow. Okay. Okay.

So you met Chin Rash. You like Chin Rash. The problem is you get a rash when you kiss. Chin Rash has no rash at all on his face. You know, he does not have a rash. I get a rash when I kiss him. So fucking weird. I mean... So we need to... You can't live with a rash on your face forever. Well, we can't medically cure this. We can just come up with... Well, we can come up with pitches to Chin Rash because what...

Maybe, maybe Chinrash has to wash his face. I was going to say, yeah. Well, what were you going to say, Kira? What was it?

Well, I was going to say, I'm unclear if we're just really not physically compatible. If his chin just does not fit my chin well. If it's just protruding, irritating my chin. Or, I don't know. If you guys have other creative solutions, I would love to keep seeing him, but I just don't know. I have a question, and I don't want to be rude. This is a safe space. How long have you been seeing this guy?

No, it's not rude. I've been seeing him on and off for a couple months, a handful of times. I've seen him a handful of times. So I would assume at this time we've probably explored each other's bodies. Has he ever put his chin on another part of your body and caused a rash there? Good question. No other rashes. No other rashes.

I mean, the only thing I could think of is one. I think Jake's right. Have you told him about how much this is stressing you out? Or have you brought it up once or twice and left it be? It's hard at 24. I've brought it up a couple times, but I don't want to be like,

a total bitch about it just because it's like, what's he going to do? I feel bad. But I feel like if someone I feel like if someone I was dating was like said, like, your breath is bad when we kiss. Will you use mouthwash? I'd be like, oh, sure. Yeah. But so there's what kind of guy is he? Walk us through. Paint a picture.

I just don't know if he's a filthy drummer or something. Yeah. No, like that's the thing. He's really clean. He's a clean presenting guy. And so it becomes even more confusing. I like don't understand. He's very clean. He's got a good steady job. Well, the job isn't going to impact a chin rash. No, but I like that part. Okay. I got a question for you, Kira.

As a father of daughters, I've now learned the importance of skincare routine that my kids love to do daily and nightly. Do you have a skincare routine? I have a very thorough skincare routine. Are you a Sephora girl or an Ulta girl? Ulta? Sephora all the way. Yeah, for sure. So with your skincare routine, you don't rash out on your own? No. I'd like you to do an experiment.

I'd like the next time he comes over, you do a thing that guys pretend they hate, but they love to be pampered by the ladies they like. And you say, can we do something silly? And he'll go, oh yeah. And you go, can I do a skincare routine on you? And he'll go, what do you need me to do? And you go, just tell me what music you like and sit your ass down. And then you go,

put a hot towel on his face and you put all your skincare on his face. Then when it's done, make out like animals. I'm talking about whatever you were before. Take it to a fucking 10. If you don't rash after that, then it's just his skin. He needs to do some skincare routine. Yeah. If you do, then it's just the world telling you guys you're not belonging together.

I like that. And I would do that before you make out. I would, like, tee it up. Well, yeah. But what I'm just saying, like, he's going to show up. Hold on. But when you show up, when you show up, you're going to make out. He would defeat the entire purpose of the pitch. But I'm saying... No, you make out, then you do the skincare. I'm saying you might have to tee it up, like...

you might have to tee this all up for him so that when he comes in, because if I show up to someone's house and we're dating, I'm going to like try to make out right away. You really are the age of your luck. You walk in and they go like this. How you doing? You're like this. Hey, baby girl. You don't? Just say hi. I've always said hi. I've been with the same woman since 2004. But like an hour in, if it's an hour in. No, right away. You go like this. I mean, that's why I'm saying you want to tee it up because you don't want to treat it like a flight attendant. Yes, I agree. What?

How would a flight attendant do it? Here's a hot towel, sir, as soon as you sit down. I totally agree. I would say Gareth is actually right. You do it in the text. Let's do something fun when you come here. Can I do a whole pamper skincare routine as a game where you have like cucumber water? I'm trying a new skincare routine. Can we do it together? You make a fake YouTube video where you go like, hey, guys, like and subscribe. You do all that. You make it a game. You skincare him up when he's done. He goes, what do you think? And you go, I think I'm turned on.

Then you just get on top of this guy and do whatever comes naturally with your guys' bodies. Okay, take it easy, Jake. I agree. Anyway, I think that's right. I think do that. And then I have an addendum, which would be if you rash up again, I think if you're down, because it might be Hail Mary time at that point. If you rash, you got to dash. If you rash, you dash. But before you do, why?

Why don't we get why don't we do a call with him and you and we just talk this out a little bit. See if this has happened before. Explain the situation and see if we can kind of come to a U.N. handshake agreement. I don't disagree, but it's hard, Caitlin Kira, because what could happen there is that conversation could be the end of the relationship. I'm saying when we feel like it might be the Hail Mary. So will you try this pitch of doing a whole.

Uh, skincare tutorial where you cover his entire face with the stuff that you use. So you're essentially, your skin is kissing your skin. Hell yeah. I'll try that. Great. Will you follow up with us after? Yep. Will you film a little bit of it? Maybe, maybe.

If he's down for it, will you maybe take a couple of pics during the skincare? We can have some visuals. By the way, that's not going to seem weird. I mean, you're fucking 24 years old. I agree. Like, filming. Yeah. What the hell is that? Your phone is a camera? Yeah. Yeah, you'll be fine. So why don't you do that? See what happens. Check back in. And then if you're at the point where you're like, this is maybe God's way of saying that we don't belong together because of our chin chemistry.

we do a call with him where we just sort of investigate. We see if we can give it one more shot. And if we can't, then the ration dash. And we will help you break up. Yep. And then we'll find you a new guy. I'm over promising. Yeah. Kira, do you think marching band is a sport? Honestly, I didn't want to hurt her feelings, but no. All right. See you later. Bye. Thank you. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Hey everyone, producer Kevin here. The original call from this next follow-up aired on April 22nd. It's called Let's Call Him Daniel with Lamorne, Rachel, and Olivia, and it's the second call in that episode. So if you'd like to listen as a quick refresher, go for it. Enjoy. Hi. Hi. Is this a follow-up or a first call? This is a follow-up. Ooh, walk us through what's going on. The floor is yours.

Hi, so this is Lauren and I called in about my husband, Don. Okay, keep going. And the sleep mask. Oh, yes. And what was the final pitch we gave? It was something written on it, yes? There was a bunch. There was a bunch of things. I narrowed it. I did a couple. One of them, well, the first one was... Sorry, what was the initial problem? He started wearing a sleep mask and it wasn't a turn on. Is that right?

The initial problem was he was really into his sleep hygiene and specifically wearing a sleep mask like immediately as soon as we got into bed and it was really unattractive. Right. And so then you said you got you're happy he's getting his sleep hygiene, but we got to figure this out. Correct. And so what did you end up doing? Take your time. Walk us through it.

Well, you guys had really good suggestions. The first thing was I cut eye holes out of his sleep mask. That's a mean one. Did you actually do that?

Yeah, I sent Kevin a picture of both of the things that I did. And it was, I mean, I thought it was hilarious. I was like shaking in bed laughing, waiting for him to come home. And he put it on. He's just like, what the hell? Not amused. He's like, did you spend money on this? He's like, I hope you bought me a new one. You know, so I was like, yeah, it was kind of like, yeah. That one went sideways.

yeah it was still funny for me but didn't really you know anything imagine the audience audience didn't love it imagine i'm so excited to go to bed with this thing oh my god it looks like robin so he just went to bed looking like zoro wow by the way that is very funny i would have died laughing so he put him on and he's like you what have you done

Yeah, exactly. And he's like, now I don't have a sweet mask. And I'm like, I got you another one. He just put the other one on. I mean, he didn't find it funny, like literally at all. None of this was funny to me. Yeah, I get it. Okay, and the one you replaced it with, we're about to see, I think. You want to tell them? Yeah, go ahead.

So then I bought my own mask that I got on Etsy that was like sort of like embroidered to say the word boner killer on it. Yeah, I remember. So it is definitely it's it's a nice cursive. Yeah. By the way, all he has to do is put his mask on and he doesn't see boner. So what happened with boner killer?

So that sort of happened. Like he already had, he didn't even notice I was wearing it at first because it was on. So I was like, I was like, all right, I waited long enough to put like, to do this. I'm like,

look what i'm wearing like i had to be like look at this and he's already like so used to like i'm the weirdo out of in the relationship obviously um so he's already like used to my you know shit and was not he again not impressed he actually thought it said bonnet killer at first and he was confused it was just you know not i mean i can see bones killer which is also a different vibe to sleep next to someone but okay so he didn't show him boner killer yeah and then what happened

Okay. And then, so then he, that was like basically it. And then he traveled, he had a new job. And so he's traveled for work twice. And so while he was gone, I didn't do like any of the routine, obviously like no noise machine, but like I slept with the TV on the curtains half open, like, you know, whatever. I went crazy. And yeah,

I realized that I missed all those things. Oh, stop it. Sometimes you got to run a mile to go a block. Stop it. I know. I know. And so it's good, though. Like, I realize, I mean, I still hate the mask. Yeah, of course. But I can, like, associate it now with...

Like it's good for us, you know, and you can wear boner killer because no one's going to see it. It's funny for you. Exactly. And now I have a fun mask out of it. So when he comes in now, you've read, this is a sweet one. I like this a lot.

Because I'll tell you what else I like about it, and I like you, is that you went for it. The follow-through is real. You cut the man. You cut holes in his fucking man. He did not laugh. Great. Then you went out and you made Boner Killer. And he's like, Boner Killer. And you're like, ugh. Zero laughs.

And then I was going to do the Ronald Reagan mask because that I thought was so funny, but he was already so mad that I was like wasting money on all these masks. Totally. But now we're in a really good situation because you realized you like his Huberman, what is it? Huberman antics. So you're into the sleep hygiene. You're into all this stuff. And now when you see him in his mask, you put on boner killer.

And you guys sleep next to each other and everything's great. And you needed to kick the tire. You needed to leave the castle to realize you like being in the castle. Exactly. So this is a definite win for you guys. Well, you know, thank you for saying that. You know what? Since we're in the middle of a sweet call. Yeah. And since we're talking about we have a little bit of Reagan mask money to play with. What if the next time you know where he's going for work?

You get a mask, a sleep mask made that says, like, I miss you or something like that, that you send to the hotel. And when he checks in, he gets it. Oh, that's so cute. That's really cute. Very cute. I love that. Why don't you do something like that? I've got one. Hey, Lauren, let's leave Jake in the sidecar here because his heart is black. I've got a pitch for you. Go ahead.

Why don't you next time he goes leave flowers and a row of rose petals that lead to the bed. And in the bed, you say. It's off topic. In the bed, you say. But Jake, it shows how you have no romantic creativity. In the bed, you say, you complete me. Jake, it's dumb. You knew it was dumb. And you knew I had you dead as soon as you were about to say. And then jump up in the shower and say, show me the money. Stop.

And then... All your pitches are just Jerry Maguire adjacent? They sound familiar. They do sound familiar. But it might be... Lauren, you got the Ronald Reagan. I'm just saying, why don't we just cap a sweet call with a sweet move? Listen to this guy in shorts pandering. By the way, it took Jake two hours, three hours to comment on the fact that I have shorts on. Never seen you in shorts. It's really throwing me. I love it. I love it.

I love it. Didn't know we were in a shorts phase of our friendship. I was shocked. I didn't hear anything. This isn't about our shorts. No, it's about you. This is a really sweet call. I also appreciate something you did for us. You said it was a win for us. So to make it about us, the true boner killers, how would you grade our advice? I don't like. Boner killers. How would you, what would the grade be for this? Because this is a bit of a weird one, right?

You took the advice. He didn't like it. It didn't work. But then you learned a lesson. So when you look back at your life, you called into a weird podcast called Boner Killers. You got some advice. You did your thing. Out of 100, what's our score? I'm going to give you guys a 95. And that's only because the mask is still happening. But again, I associate it.

in a more pleasant way. Yeah. But I would still, if I had to pick, I'd still wish it wasn't there. Well, I keep... I thought she was going to say 87. Well, here's why it should be 100. We took her on a journey she wanted to go on, and without that journey, she wouldn't have realized what she did, which is, you know, she missed those little things. So we'll take a 95. Hold on, I have to give the boys a note. What?

When we ask for a review, we don't get a rebuttal. Yeah, we can. There's always a rebuttal. We're allowed to do whatever we want, Kevin. Ask any boss I've ever had. There's always a rebuttal. Yeah, it's for real. Hey, Jake, you are fired. Let me say one more thing. Hey, Jake, do me a favor. When you're actually crossing, can you actually look in the other direction? Rebuttal.

Okay, great. It's just actually, it's a technical thing. So this is a really sweet call. We're really happy. And one thing you could think about doing is popping champagne and just telling him all the wonderful things he does for you in his life. Again, I mean, what we're getting inside here is Jake's idea of romance. Show me the money! All right, Lauren, thanks for the call. Appreciate it. Thank you so much. Bye, guys. Bye. Bye.

Hey, how you doing, friend? Hello, I'm good. How are you? Good. You're on with old JG. Trying something new and it failed. We'll keep it. Okay, are we keeping it? I mean, I think it

Hey, Jake. Yeah. I love it. Okay, good. I think it's unbelievable. And you've got a special guest. You didn't even intro me, so. You're the G in JG. It all makes sense. I love it. Go, babe. So you loved it. Come on. And you didn't know what it was. Come on. What did you think JG was? I support a man who looked like he was flailing when he wasn't. Keep going, buddy. We're both covered in glitter. And from the movie Self Reliance, a guy who he knows I love him, Mr. Darryl.

Johnson! What's up, everybody? So, can we get your name, please? My name is BK. Hey, we were JG. BK, where are you calling from?

I'm in Philly. Philly. Nice. BK from Philly. And how old are you, BK? 26. And why do they call you BK? Have it your way? You're a king? Nickname. Yes. Have it my way. Initials. Stuff like that. Respect. Is it shortened from BTK, the serial killer? Uh-uh. Lineage? No comment. Wow. And really fast, BK, what are your thoughts on Quiznos, Subway? Where are you at there? We just had a little off-camera thing about what made Quiznos great. You got any thoughts there, BK?

Um, honestly, I haven't had Quiznos in probably 15 years. Nobody has. But there was a moment where it was pretty goddamn good, wasn't it? Yeah. My, my experience with Quiznos was short, but very good. Same with all of ours. And BK, what'd you like about Quiznos?

If you say the toasted bread, I'm going to freak out. I just thought the service was great. And don't forget it. Don't sleep on the pepper bar. BK, do you work for subway? Yeah. What's your deal? Very PC stuff right now. Very careful. Uh, all right, BK. I agree. The service at Quiznos as a whole way better than subway. Not a sponsor. We have a sponsor in the zone. Uh, so can you tell us what you're calling about? I work for a pro sports team. Um,

Hold on, which one? I work for the Philadelphia Wings, which is a box lacrosse team in the NLL. So it's kind of like an up-and-coming sport. We think it's kind of like the next major league. I like when you pretended to know who the Philly Wings were. Yeah, I got confused. Hockey? I thought it was Flyers. Oh, yeah. It's box lacrosse.

It's box lacrosse. Oh, okay. I know all about lacrosse. I'm from Maryland. You work for a lacrosse sports team, the Philly Wings. The floor is yours. I am a young guy, obviously. I made friends with a lot of the players on the team, and I travel with the team on the road, which is great because we all go out together after a big win, and it's just fun hanging out with the boys, right? But my problem is...

When we go out, I'm being mistaken for a player a lot of the times. I'm tall, relatively athletic looking.

And it's cool, like, being mistaken for, like, oh, good game, man. I like so far that the problem is, look, I'm athletic. I'm handsome. Good looking. I'm young. All right. I used to eat Quiznos. The service was good. Yeah. I have stamina. I got a huge cock. Here's the problem. I'm fantastic. I think you projected the last little bit. Come on. Guys, this is a team. I think you projected. BK, do you want to comment on the size of your cock?

PK, go ahead. No comment. Okay, agreed. So you're like me and Gareth. How's that hog? No comment. Close the nose. Huge. Rub the nose. Yeah, yeah. I'm willing to comment on everything there. No one's business but my own.

What about anything else? I'm willing to share. I'll tell you everything, but that I believe should be between a man and his body. If it's about someone else's body, I'll comment mine. Who cares? Let's not talk about it. I don't think it's important. BK. So people think you're a player. Yes. Yeah. Which is great. But then I feel like I'm kind of stealing the clout of the players a little bit. And especially when these conversations happen in front of the other players,

I, I really, I'm like, Hey, I don't work for the team. I did a great job taking photos tonight or posts and tweets. Um, and immediately, what is that called? Stolen valor? Yeah. Yeah. Stolen valor. Um, and just pure disappointment and however excited the people that are talking to me are immediately. Then they think I'm a loser and I see it all over their faces. Um, so I'm just kinda, I'm just kinda looking for a way to, uh,

out of these situations where I'm mistaken for a player in front of players. So, BK, let me see if this is the right pitch. People think you're a player, you're hanging out with the players. No.

No one's told you in terms of the other players like, hey, BK, cool it. But you know, it's not right. But when you say I kind of take photos, the person talking going like, can I talk to anybody but BK? Yeah. And it's rooting the vibe for them, for you and the players. It's a total loss. Yes. For everybody. And there's no point because you're just in a bar. Who cares? Is this correct?

Yeah. So before we get into it, what do you think of Quiznos? Sorry. BK, you might have said this. What exactly are you? You're running their social media? Yeah. So obviously it's not like a big five like sports league. Sure. I'm the

I like to do digital content, creative strategy. So photo on the road, team video. I post all the tweets. I update the website. PK, we're all set. Gareth is going to pitch first. You want me to go first? All right. Well, I have a few pitches, but

One is you could get a shirt made that said not a player, and that can be your after game wear. But there might be a play where you can actually use it to the advantage of what you're trying to build over there and differentiate yourself as not one of the players. So...

You know, like people, Caitlin will tell you, our social media guru, she's in the room today. People like a story, like, again, you're going to post stuff about lacrosse. And like you're saying, it's not a top tier sport. So people might not be that interested. I think a very interesting story is the story of a man who keeps getting mistaken for a lacrosse player, but isn't.

And you can get content out of this. You could film when people come up to you after and come up to you and say you're a player. You could film the disappointment that goes across their face when you're not. You could film some of the players who are maybe having agita over the fact that you keep stealing their valor. So,

So you could use it. It could be a thing. You could even talk into the camera. I'm not saying you make yourself a star, but you could talk into the camera and be like, hey, it's me, BK. As you know, I go on the road and people always think that I'm a player. I'm not. You'll see tonight after the game, have one of the guys film you and you come over and go, I just broke her heart because I had to tell her I'm not actually a player. So BK, when you hear that, because at first I thought Garth was doing the old ramble mouth. And what I mean by that, it's not, it's how we both do it.

Hey, I got no issues. And the term ramble mouth is when we don't know what the pitch is, we can't have silence.

So someone's got to say something. You just got to go. So here's what I'm thinking. The reality of this situation is Quiznos is a wonderful thing, but sometimes it's better. The path appears when you're halfway through your post-it. And then somebody goes, do you mind if I interrupt? And you go, please. I mean, I really feel like I'm getting momentum, but go ahead and take it, bud. But the idea of filming the mishaps is fun because you're turning it into the story and it could get really big. Now we're going to keep pitching, BK, but what are you thinking of that?

I think there's potential legs there. Also potential issues in terms of just showcasing our players in a light that maybe they wouldn't want to be.

How? Scene, like, because I'm out with the players, you know, so. But hold on, but you're not insulting them. It's your creative. I mean, hell, Caitlin started doing social media for us. Now she's in the fucking show. And that's good. And I think any player would be fine.

Because it's a different lane. If you put more asses in seats, they will shut the fuck up. They will not care. Daryl, where are you at? What are you thinking? So I like everything that Gareth pitched there. My only ad would be, I know he said make a shirt that says I'm not a player, but I would say I'm not a player, but I crush a lot. I like that. Could be merch too. Because first of all, that's merch. It's a song. You can go ahead and use that. People know it in the zeitgeist. And also you could crush more. Yes.

What do you think about a shirt that says not a player, but I crush a lot. So it generates attention. The person talking to you goes, what does that mean? And then you got a little bit. Now you got a story. Okay.

I've told people that I'm not a player before and people have not believed me. Okay. So I got a pitch. I got a pitch. I agree. But we're on. So the premise of this one is we're at the bar because our friend, we're here to help him. And he's passing on a lot of what we say and that's okay. But that's part of it. So how about this? When they go good game tonight, what if you say, uh, I'm not a player. I'm the owner of the team. And they go, what? And you go, yeah.

And they go, you're so young. And you go, I'm a kid millionaire. And they go, get out of town. When did you buy this team? And you go, well, the first team I bought was, I was nine. Yeah. And they go, how'd you make your money? You go, at six, I became a millionaire. Yeah. And they go, how? And you go, my brain.

And they go, what'd you do? And you go, invented shit. And then they go, let's just talk lacrosse because it's just a stupid game with fucking everyone throwing a ball around. And it's fun because you want to know why at 23, I had a nervous breakdown. They go, why? And you go, because I was worth $1.1 million, a billion dollars. And they go, you did. And you go, and I decided it's time to watch a bunch of grown men in shorts and shoulder pads throw a ball around. So I just do this for fun. What do you do for a living? And they go, I work at Quiznos.

Exactly. I see it. What do you think about a big lie that the players can get it and then a player could go, you don't know about him? And they go, no. And he goes,

he was worth $2.1 billion when he was nine years old. Why? Ideas. And now when you're out of the bar, you have a game. We've talked about this before, but going back to the fake Jake saga, there is gamemanship of you're in a bar. You're just having fun. I have a way to escalate that pitch, but why don't we get your reaction to that BK? What do you think? It sounds, it sounds great. I mean,

The ownership group is Comcast. So there is no real owner. I can get to the whole owning Comcast thing as well.

So you like the idea of coming up with a fun lie that the players could be in on too, because then you could say, I created this dumb lie because I'm not looking for stolen valor. You guys are the players and I respect that, but I'm also bumming people out. If someone said that to me and I was a player, I'd laugh. Yeah. What if you include the players in that they're able to give you your storyline for the night?

Or the next time. Oh, it constantly changes. Yeah. So the players can come up to you and go, you know what? Actually, BK, tonight you're not a kid millionaire. You are, you're a brother of one of the players who got cut from the team and you act, you know, some like some other version of it. Or you could do one. Or you're the mascot ringer. And you lost the mascot. You're in the middle of a horrible day. You used to be the MVP player. You got caught gambling against your team. Yes. You're suspended. Yeah.

Darrell, what are you thinking? I do have like one additional question for BK. What is your goal?

With this job, do you want to be a part of the organization or is this just a way for you to be in your twenties and not really be responsible for anything? He wants to have it his way. Yeah, he sure does. I haven't really thought about that enough. I, I got this, I graduated in 2020, but I got this job right before graduation. So I kind of, this is a kind of a COVID job and,

I haven't found anything better since, but I don't know what my end game is. Then your end game should be to lie every night, create a story and win. Because I'm going to introduce you to this theory called fake it till you make it. Have you ever heard of that? You 26, you ain't heard of that shit. You young. Yeah. Fake it till you make it, baby. Get rich. Get laid. You're 26. What are you doing? You're not spending no money. You live at home. I

Actually, key part of the story, I have a long-term girlfriend. I live with my girlfriend, and my brother lives with us, too, in Philly. Okay. So I'm not smashing. You're not looking to crush them off. Yeah, as they say. But that's fine. But by the way, you are looking to have a lot of fun. Yeah. We know how boring the road can get. You're just looking to have a little bit of fun with a situation that's becoming a little bit lame. Yes? Yeah, and really avoid the...

Avoid disappointing people. So let's lean into a lie. What's a lie that you would be comfortable with that could be big enough? You don't want to do little lies. Little lies are dark. Yeah. Where somebody goes like, what do you do? And you're like, well, I'm a talent scout. And then you're like, okay, what else? I drive them. And you go like, okay, fucking why lie?

If you're going to lie, it's got to be massive. Yeah. It's so dumb that at a certain point they could go, your story doesn't add up. And you go, that's because I lied. Well, and then you walk away. And then you walk away. And they go like, that dude was really weird. And you go, I agree. But it would have been better. And then you go, you want the truth? Yeah. I do social media for the team. And they go, thanks for lying.

Yeah, because you brighten my day. So BK, what's a lie that you kind of like? So pretend this, Daryl, you're at a bar. Garf. Bartender. Yes. Okay. And BK, the game just happened. The Philly Wings won six to four.

everybody's out and then, you know, maybe start, obviously, are you a player? Blah, blah, blah. And then BK, you're BK. So let's see what you come up with. Ah, damn it. This margarita machine's not working. Yeah, I'll take a, let me just get a Jack and Coke. No problem. Two ingredients. That's pretty simple for me, pal. I try to keep it easy, baby. Yeah, I do too. Hey, buddy. It hasn't always been that way.

For me. Maybe walk to the other side of the bar away from the bartender. He's stuck behind the bar. Okay. So if you and PK walk away. Yeah. Okay. Let me know if you guys need anything else. All right. We'll be back in a second. Okay. All right. Hey, Tammy. No, the camera's not with you. It's not with you. Go ahead. Take a look. It's with me. Sorry, I'm back. Yeah, go ahead. Background. Background. Watermelon. Watermelon. Yeah.

Hey, buddy. That was a great game tonight. Are you part of the team? Oh, thanks, man. No, I actually kind of. I own the team. Okay, I don't believe you. Because you didn't really commit to the lie. This went sideways. So I need you to commit to the lie, and then we're going to try this one more game. Okay, so you don't say, no, I'm not part of the team. Well, you are. Okay, so you denied what I said. Do you know the rules of improv? Back to one. Man, the sparkarita machine really shit out of me. Hey. Hey.

How's it going, man? It's good, man. I don't want a margarita. Can you stop selling me on this damn margarita? Jell-O shots? No. Have you ever heard of the Clyde special? My name's Clyde. You are the worst bartender in the world. Most bartenders are supposed to listen to the patrons, not talk at them. Let me tell you, I'm born and bred in Toledo. I've been in this bar for now 50 episodes. I told you to get out of here.

sir can i just get a jack and coke please thank you two ingredients that's sweet on my hands 68 and balmy probably yeah just send it over here we're going over here to talk real quick don't look it up do you guys want any curly poppers didn't i tell you to stop asking me questions they're like a jalapeno popper do you know my friend bk oh hey what's up bk man how's it going brother hey great game tonight uh you play for the team

Oh, thanks, man. Yeah, I'm the mascot. Oh, shit. Ding, ding, ding. I mean, that's cool. Like, I love I've never met a person that was behind the costume, man. That's great. How much fun is that for you?

I don't know. Tossing t-shirts, taking pictures with babies, high-fiving people. It's great. It's great. I like the play of the mascot. That was great. I do too. What do you think of leaning into the mascot? You know, I think it's there, but at the same time, I like what you said earlier about getting players in on it, you know, and switching things up.

Cause it's a long season, you know, we're going to close this one up and you're going to tell the players. The first lie is mascot. The second lie is owner. Cause what you don't want to do is get a bunch of lacrosse players. I'm thinking of doing this lie and they go, what do you want it to be? And you go,

I don't know. Yeah. That's like saying, hey, can you guys all come over? I want to work on a project. A bunch of people come over and they go, what's the project? You go like, oh, no, what do you got? And they go like, you got to have some rules, my guy. You got to drive this train. Also, these are athletes. They don't have a lot of functioning power up there up top. You never know. It's all in their thighs. BK, let's lean into the team helping. Yeah. But start with the first three. I think you got owner.

Of the team? I think you got mascot. What's one other one he could lead out with? What's a good lie he could say? He's the mascot. He's the owner. He could be a kid who was like, it was his dream to go to a game and they liked him so much that he kept working for the team. Or he was originally a towel boy. Ooh, what about you were once a towel boy for the Philly Wings? I like the towel boy one. What about your dad was the legend of, he was like the Wayne Gretzky of the Philly Wings? Yeah. Yeah. Your lineage, baby. What do you think of those as your top three?

I think that could be good. One that also slipped into my head was potentially I'm suspended. So I'd be like, oh, I didn't play. I'm suspended. Suspended is great. What'd you do? And then I could give some ridiculous. That's good. I fought a cheerleader. Fun. Yes. You fought a cheerleader. So we got a win here. I love it. Thank you for the call. I would lean out with the three and I would, your third one would be you fought a cheerleader. I love it. That's great. BK, have it your way. Thanks guys. Love you buddy. Peace. Love you.

Hey everyone, producer Kevin here. Guess what? We have the clip of the interview that Morgan did from the first call. However, there were some, I'm going to say, unforeseen circumstances that would have been very insane if Morgan just broke into the motor man character we were talking about. So he didn't do it, unfortunately. But he still did the interview, and honestly, I love that he did the interview. And I want to put it in the episode. So, enjoy. ♪

The sport is saw racing and it is growing in popularity across the country. Referee says go. What is the object? So the object is to go to complete the number of cuts assigned as quickly as possible. And the fastest time wins. What is the appeal to this? It's competition and it's racing.

Morgan McGinnis is a salt racing competitor and says the sport offers speed and some level of danger to participants. Really, it's just like drag racing.

But instead of vehicles on a track, it's stalls in a log. Three, two, one, go. McGinnis found himself driving several hours to competitions when he thought, why not have one locally? And now nearly 50 have signed up for his event. He says athletic ability is not a requirement to take part.

Soul racing is definitely something that you don't have to be in shape to do. It helps, sure, but it's much more of a mental and your reflexes

Preparation. Preparation is nine-tenths of the game. He says although prizes will be awarded, his event is not sanctioned by a parent organization. The hope is to one day change that, making events like the one in Rio Grande an annual occurrence. It appeals to the redneck in all of us. Oh, absolutely. Gil McClanahan, Eyewitness News.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson. And Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt. And the associate producer and editor is AJ McKeith. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio. And our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh. And you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. Additional artwork by Patty Holland. You can find him on Instagram at P-A-D-D-Y Holland 2004. And if you'd like early access to episodes, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com.

All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.