Shownotes Transcript
We've all been there, feeling alone with a problem because no one in our life can relate or maybe because the one person we wish we could talk to won't or can't.
But what if you had your own personal investigative journalist scouring the world for the perfect stranger who gets it? That's where Proxy comes in. A new sister show in the Radiotopia family that comes from Normal Gossip season eight guest Yo-Ai Shaw, who's the former host of NPR's Invisibilia.
On Proxy, Yo-A tackles your emotional conundrums and she finds you a proxy to talk to. Someone who's been in your situation or has relevant experience and can hopefully provide the insight you need. It's emotional investigative journalism at your service. Proxy with Yo-A Shaw. Subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. New cases every other Tuesday.
Hello and welcome to Normal Gossip. I'm your host, Rachel Hampton, and in each episode of this podcast, we're going to bring you an anonymous morsel of gossip from the real world. Welcome to episode three of season eight, y'all. If this is your first time tuning in this season, I would love to know why you picked this episode. Was it the guest? Do you just like the number three? I have questions. Send
Send me your answers. But also, no, you don't need to see an ENT. I'm not Kelsey. For more information on the peaceful transition of power that normal gossip is going through, check out the finale of season seven. And yes, we will continue to refer to it as a peaceful transition of power because that's what it was and continues to be. And we know we need some examples of that in this world right now.
Speaking of that transition, I'm going to be emo for a second because it's my right. And also, I know like half of y'all don't listen to this section, which is your right. One of the hardest parts of making the show is the time where we are in the middle of production but haven't released anything. I am one of those people who's always going to think about what could go wrong before I think about what will probably go right. Yes, I am on Lexapro. You don't need to ask.
All to say, one of my primary fears when I agreed to take over the show was disappointing the listeners. This show is so fun, which I feel like we have so little of these days. I really wanted to preserve this space for all of us.
All to say, I was really fucking scared. And now I'm so deeply touched by the response this season is already beginning to receive. I am learning on a very public stage and I am a perfectionist. So that is very hard for me to do. And y'all have really been so graceful and kind. And I can't express how much that means to me without crying. So that's the end of feelings corner.
On to the main event. I am so, so, so excited to be joined today by someone I absolutely love talking to. Our producer, Sierra Spragley-Rix, can attest to how much we love to cut up.
She has to cut a lot of it out. Today's guest is none other than Jonqulyn Hill, the host of Explain It To Me, a Vox podcast that you can think of as a hotline to all your unanswered questions. Jonqulyn, hello. Hello. Thank you. It's so good to be hanging out with you. You know I love a good hang. I do. I do. Well, the first part of our hang, I have to ask, what is your relationship to gossip?
Okay, I've been thinking about this question a lot because gossip is actually quite important to my life for a variety of reasons. The first reason, you know, I grew up in church, black church. People have, like people have said on here before, gossip is like currency. And in particular, I'm AME, grew up AME, and my father's a pastor. Okay.
Pastors kid. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Which, wow. Could be its own podcast. Truly, truly. But in that tradition, they're itinerant elders. So they get moved from church to church. Mm-hmm.
And, you know, there are people that move them from church to church. And so you have to kind of keep your ear to the streets to be like, oh, did that church open up? Did you hear anything about this? Rumor has it that they're going to send so and so to such and such. And so that was sort of always in the background, because even though my parents were like, get out, grown folks business.
So much of being an only child is if you're quiet enough, people don't notice you and you can remain and grow in folks business without them even realizing it. So that's when I was like, oh, yeah, this interests me. I just like it because I'm a little bit messy. I love a little. Hey, did you hear about blah, blah, blah and saying no. And then, you know, sitting down and having a little chat. Thank you. I love honesty and transparency here on this podcast.
Speaking of gossip, I heard you have some for me. Yes. Okay. So I had the great fortune of getting my eyebrows threaded at a new place not too long ago. And, you know, just making conversation with the lady as we're doing this. And she says, have you ever heard of the show Normal Gossip? And I thought, have I heard of Normal Gossip? I'm alive. I
I breathe air. I drink water. Of course, I've heard of normal gossip.
And she was like, oh, I have a story I sent into them because so many of my clients love it, but they haven't done an episode about it. And I said, one of my dreams is to be a guest on Normal Gossip. If my dream comes true, can I share your gossip? And she said, yeah, girl. This is like an Ouroboros of gossip. I'm obsessed. So my eyebrow lady has a family friend named
And her family friend was going to have this big wedding, a Nigerian wedding. And so, you know, the clothes, the money, the everything. Yes. The night before the wedding, she gets a text from her friend that says, hey, the wedding is off, but you should still show up to the reception at the appropriate reception time. What? That was my reaction. And that was also hers. So she's like...
She's like, OK, maybe my friend has cold feet. The girl's just talking. I'm going to go to bed, wake up in the morning. We'll probably be all good. Text her through it. Figure out what happened. She goes to bed. She wakes up. Her mom wakes her up and it's like, hey, we have to get ready for this reception. And she's like, mom, the wedding's off, et cetera. And she's like, oh, I know I'm aware. And her mom regales her with the tale.
of what happened. Tell me. Her friend is in a relationship with a man and they live together, but he travels a lot for work. So she's getting ready for,
for the wedding. And I think like the night before she had a makeup artist come do her makeup for like, cause you know, there's tons of events, tons of things going on. So many things, especially with the Nigerian wedding. I feel like there's like a ton of events. Yes. Like just so much. The makeup artists, like,
Okay. No.
fucking way. Yep. She then reaches out directly to the bride and is like, we've been dating long distance. He was visiting me. Woman to woman coming to you as a woman. I'm coming to you woman to woman. Hey, girl. Yeah. And she's like, and it's not even the
in this thing of like well that's my man she's like hey he sucks get out of there and the bride's like yeah you're right I am gonna get out of there so they hatch a plan and they decide you know what you're the bride you get to be the one to break it off with them first
I love the generosity of spirit here. It's great because then afterwards he tries to text his girlfriend and she's like, I know you were engaged. Fuck you. No. So he leaves this situation with no women. Good. As it should be. That's true.
And so then my eyebrow lady, her family goes to the reception. They write an even bigger check than they were initially going to because they're like, you know what? She started her life over. She got her heart broken. She deserves. And they were also happy because his family didn't drink. And so they were like, well, now we can have an open bar. Yes. Yes.
Okay, everyone won here. It was a win, except that guy, but who cares? Except for that guy, and he deserved to lose. Listen, I love a comeuppance. I love bullying a man. Yes. I hope the bride went on their honeymoon, like, with a friend. Ooh, yeah. You know?
Like, you shouldn't have to because you already paid the deposit. You can't. I don't think you can get that back. They should have cried. I bet if you called and you were like, I found out that my husband-to-be was cheating on me. I bet they upgrade your room for free. Oh, probably. And like, definitely take it because the other woman knows he can't take her. Exactly. Wow.
I would have been so stressed out that my eyebrows were going to be like really high up while I was getting them threaded as I'm hearing this story. I'm like, please pay attention to the shape of my eyebrows because I can't stop moving my face while you're telling me this story. Yes. That's beautiful. That is one of the best situations to be in where someone is like, I'm going to tell you a story and I want you to spread it as far as possible because I want more people to hear this.
Well, do I have something for you, JQ? Are you ready? Are you ready to hear some gossip? I am always ready to hear some gossip. Normal Gossip is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. You chose to hit play on this podcast today. Smart choice.
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Thank you.
Today, our story takes place in a major city full of young professionals. Our friend of a friend, Iris, has just graduated from college. She feels exceptionally lucky to have found employment after graduation in the form of a fellowship. Okay. The fellowship doesn't pay a ton, but what it does do is give Iris six months to find full-time employment. And it pays enough that Iris can afford to stay in the city as long as she finds roommates and doesn't stay downtown. Okay.
JQ, what's the last group housing situation you were in and how did you find it? Oh, my gosh. So I was working at a Washington bureau for a news organization. And, you know, I was not making a ton of money. The amount of money I was making is now an illegal amount to pay even a minimum wage worker. And I had to have a college degree for this job. Your girl was struggling. Yeah.
So one of my friends at work was like, hey, you have to be at work early quite a bit. I know you're tired of paying for Ubers at 3.30 a.m.,
How about you move into the house where I'm living? It's literally around the corner walking distance. You can walk when it's dark out and not get kidnapped. And I was like, I love the sound of that. Yeah. The rent was cheap. It was like 800 bucks a month for this room. Incredible. I know it was a Craigslist house.
It had central air. I did live with a lot of men. I shared a bathroom with one of my guy friends. We're now friends because of this. But I was like, wow, sharing a bathroom with a man. This is kind of a perfect segue into today's story. Yeah.
So one day, Iris goes to check out a place that seems too good to be true in her housing search. According to the pictures she had seen in a queer Facebook housing group, this place is a three-story townhome with beautiful red brick and white trim. There's in-unit laundry. The kitchen has a dishwasher. And in the pictures, it seems not just clean, but also well-decorated.
After the apartments that Iris has seen, this place looks like a palace. So the day Iris goes to check out this place, she's doing that thing where she's kind of telling herself that her expectations are low when in reality, they're like sky high. Have you ever walked into like an apartment or a house and kind of just known that it was right for you? Oh,
Oh, yeah. Yes, absolutely. Yeah, that's the feeling Iris has as she walks down the terracotta stepping stones that lead to the front door. She walks past the in this house we believe in science yard sign. She goes up the steps to the porch, which has a gorgeous set of rocking chairs that Iris can already picture reading a book in with a glass of wine on a warm evening.
At this point, Iris has just fully dispensed with the fiction of having low expectations and is just silently praying to the housing gods that their roommates be normal. When the front door opens, revealing a man in beautiful silk pajamas holding a wine glass. How would you react to this? You know, I could be like, oh, he's living his soft life. I too want to live a soft life.
But also, are you always in these PJs? Like, hold on now. Do you have a job? But also, that's not my business as long as the rent getting paid. So, hey. All fair reactions. Iris doesn't really have a chance to react because before she can say anything, the man in the pajamas says, welcome. And then he asked her, would you like some rosé?
He turns with a swish of silk and then ushers Iris inside, where Iris is greeted by between seven to ten other men. Oh. They all say hello in that sort of sing-songy way that people do when they're buzzed. And it's immediately clear to Iris that she has stumbled across elder millennials in their natural habitat.
Ooh!
Oh, yes. Oh, my gosh. I knew you would appreciate that. When she looks out the window, there's a stunning view of the tree-lined street. Iris is already picturing where her furniture will go, and she hasn't even met the other inhabitants of the townhouse, who luckily seem lovely. So the inhabitants of the house are Blake, who is the man in the silk.
He shares the master bedroom with his partner, Michael. Blake is a creative director at an ad agency, which helps explain how his hair is so beautiful. He's got one of those like trendy middle part hairstyles that looks a little bit fascist on most people, but makes Blake look like Milo Thatcher in the Atlantis movie. Oh!
Oh, I see his vibe. I see his vibe. Meanwhile, his partner Michael kind of looks like the embodiment of a dark gray Patagonia vest. He's even wearing a button-down at a brunch in his own house. Iris learns that the brunch is actually a welcome-back brunch for Blake and Michael, who recently returned from their honeymoon. And despite having just met them, Iris is immediately thrilled for their recent wedding.
The third roommate is Aiden, a bartender and a college classmate of Michael's. And then finally, there is the most important roommate of all, Noodle, Blake and Michael's border collie. Noodle is possibly the cutest dog that Iris has ever seen. Oh my gosh. Okay, so I see it. I see the sitcom unfolding. It's like, oh, we get into the hijinks. I'm the younger one. And I'm like, the
are my elder millennial dads and their dog and we're gonna get through life saving money, etc. Exactly. And this is all the information Iris has before she has to make a decision. Wait, I don't like that. Hold on now. So, would you take this room?
Hold on. We need to have a little sit down. We need to talk. Hey, what is the choice situation like? What's the bill breakdown? I'm going to have a few questions. I probably would have brought a friend with me. We would bring a tape measure because I need to know how the furniture fits. But admittedly, this is my 30 something brain and not my 20 something brain. So I probably would be like, how much is the rent? I can afford that. OK. Yeah. So one of Iris's favorite shows is New Girl. Yeah.
So before she even finishes her glass of rosé, she says yes. Blake pours her another glass in celebration, and Iris is absolutely positive she has just made the best decision of her life. She moves in a few weeks later, and living in the townhouse goes great for the most part. What does that mean, the most part? What's that?
I'm so glad you asked. Everything Iris loved about the apartment remains true. Her room, absolutely gorgeous. When the weather is nice, Noodle the dog wears a little red bandana on her walks. And when it rains, she has a little yellow raincoat. Iris is just constantly on the verge of tears looking at this dog because she's so perfect.
And living with three men in their mid-30s as a 20-something fresh out of college has its perks. The chore chart is more detailed than most of Iris' final exams. But she hasn't seen so much as a fruit fly since she walked in.
Plus, Michael and Blake take pity on Iris the first time they catch her eating ramen for dinner two nights in a row. If they have any leftovers whenever they cook, which is almost every night, they let Iris have them. Since Aiden works nights, Iris almost never sees him. It's kind of a dream. Until the first roommate accountability meeting. Okay, JQ, what do you think a roommate accountability meeting is? Um.
You either have it when an issue pops up or if you're smart, you have it maybe regularly, maybe monthly, maybe other month where it's just like, hey, how are things going? I noticed there are some dishes left. Can we please work on that? I noticed that like, hey, you were a little late on your share of the Internet. Like, let's work on that. Or like, hey, I want to have a party. Is that cool with y'all? Like, it's just the roommate check in. It could be healthy. It could also be a very big source of drama.
So Iris has no idea what a roommate accountability meeting is. She just gets a text from Michael one night that says, "'Looks like everyone's home. Ram tonight, clean.'"
RAM is obviously the acronym for Roommate Accountability Meeting. I would need that clarified because I would need to know what's happening. I'm like, hold on. What? What? Yeah. So RAMs happen once every quarter and they are run by Michael and he describes them as forums to address any unresolved issues. So...
In practice, what that looks like is a lot of calling in about improperly loaded dishwasher racks or unsorted recycling.
Even Blake, who is Michael's partner, doesn't escape scrutiny. At Iris' very first roommate accountability meeting, Michael gently reminds Blake that clothes are not to be left in the washing machine overnight. And if they are, they must be washed again before being put into the dryer to avoid odor. Iris is like, I wish to never be called in. No!
Iris is one of those people that teachers called a pleasure to have in class. Relatable. She is a rule follower, a people pleaser, a submissive for courtesy. How do you think this vibe would mesh with Michael's, which isn't unlike that of a benevolent dictator?
It's what my mother calls nice-ty, nice-nasty. When you're nice-ty, I could see Michael being nice-ty. And I could see Iris kind of rolling over and be like, okay, I'll get it next time. Or like, oh, sorry. And just sort of walking on eggshells in the home like, oh, gotta fold that. Oh, I have to make sure. Like, unfortunately for Iris, he has a bit of a minion now. He has a yes woman in his midst.
She's not going to push back. And she's 22. Yeah. And there's a gender dynamic. No matter how welcoming we are, it's going to be like, yes, sir. Michael adores Iris. Because she does everything he says. In their roommate accountability meetings, he always praises her for how thoroughly she vacuums the living room rugs.
One time, Michael texted the roommate group chat with a photo of Iris' bathroom with a text that's waxing poetic about how clean the tub is. It also helps that Iris doesn't really think any of the house rules are super unreasonable. It's like, take the trash out on time. No dishes in the sink overnight.
Perishable food in the fridge needs to be eaten or thrown out within two weeks. There are more rules, but they're kind of all of this nature. So it's less the rules and more the enforcement of them that lends Michael his benevolently dictatorial energy. Within a few weeks of moving in, Iris learns a few important facts.
First, Michael isn't just the longest resident of the house. He's the owner of it. Iris wishes she had known that Michael is not just her roommate, but her landlord when she moved in. But it's too late for that. That's crazy to not disclose. Yeah. So important fact number one, Michael's the landlord. Important fact number two, Michael is a very talented woodworker.
He had built not just the beautiful table in the dining room, but also the rocking chairs on the porch. All to say, Michael has good reason to be hypervigilant about coasters, which he very much is. Iris is honestly a little impressed by Michael's ability to throw a party that is both orderly and fun.
She sees this ability in action on a semi-monthly basis because Blake and Michael are the party friends of their friend group. They're the kind of friend group that's going to celebrate National Pie Day, not because any of them are mathematicians or because they particularly love pie, but because it's an excuse to eat dessert and drink wine. I respect that. And it's at one of these parties that Iris is introduced to Teddy, who
J.Q., do you have like tertiary friends? Oh, yeah. Where it's like friends on the outskirts where I'm the main character of my own life. Yes. For instance, when there are large life events, it's like the show's not getting canceled. We're getting a spinoff. Oh, it's a season finale. We'll be back for sweeps. Like that's how I think of it. And those like friends of friends. It's like what a fun recurring character. Exactly. Teddy is a recurring character. He is a tertiary friend of Aiden, our uncle.
hot bartender roommate who is barely present. If you ask Aiden, he honestly couldn't even remember how he met Teddy. But what Aiden does know about Teddy is that Teddy's workplace is always hiring, which is why Aiden introduces Iris to Teddy in the final month of her fellowship when she is desperate for a job. Oh, I love that. There are things from the Girlboss era I have not let go and one of them is networking.
Teddy works for an arts education nonprofit that, like a lot of nonprofits, has a really high turnover rate. Iris immediately sets out to charm Teddy, which turns out to be really easy because Teddy also loves New Girl and also has a crush on Max Greenfield. After a few minutes of conversation, Teddy is like, I'm going to do my very best to make sure you get one of these jobs that have opened up. And he is true to his word.
Iris gets the job and immediately decides that Teddy needs to become her new work bestie, which is very easy because Teddy is like me and could talk to a brick wall. How do you feel about pranks? Oh, I hate that. Ha ha!
Do not prank me. Do not prank me. I do not like that. I do not. No. Oh, now I just got so mad. Do not prank me. So Teddy loves a good prank and he has a lot of thoughts on what makes a good prank.
So good pranks have some important qualities. They have to be low stakes, but not lazy. So Teddy's not doing a whoopee cushion unless he's sitting on them. Good pranks cannot humiliate or embarrass the person being pranked. Okay. All right. And good pranks do not involve jump scares.
Oh, okay. All right. Okay. Iris learns about Teddy's love for pranks within her first week of starting at the nonprofit. She comes into work one day and sees that the family photo that she had pinned to the wall of her cubicle had been replaced with an almost identical copy that had Teddy photoshopped in. Okay, that's a little funny. It's a good enough Photoshop job that Iris actually ends up keeping the tampered photo and displaying it alongside the original, which Teddy gives back immediately. Okay.
So all in all, Iris is pretty pleased with her choice of work bestie. She's even more pleased when a few months after starting her new job, Teddy is invited to a party at the townhouse. Since he's a tertiary friend, he's not always invited. But this party is bigger than usual because it's a going away party for Aiden, who is finally taking the plunge and moving to Arizona. A couple of hours have passed in this party and Iris is appropriately tipsy.
Her and Teddy are gossiping in a corner about one of their mutual co-workers, one of life's great joys. When in the middle of this conversation, Teddy turns to Iris and says, watch this. And without further explanation, he turns and kind of sidles his way across the room right into a conversation with a few of Michael and Blake's friends.
Iris is watching, not sure what Teddy is up to, and she only gets more confused when she sees Teddy's fingers slide across a bookshelf behind him until they come across a little decorative figurine. And then, without anyone but Iris noticing, Teddy takes the figurine off the bookshelf and hides it under his sweater. Teddy makes eye contact with Iris, who mouths,
What are you doing? And Teddy winks and then gives a signal that says, he'll explain later. Just play it cool for now. What do you think is going on? I don't know. It's giving Fleabag. You know how like in Fleabag, she steals that statue? Yes. In the first season? Yeah. But also, this is why I hate pranks. Stop. Be normal.
So since Iris has lived in the townhouse for about nine months now, she is more than familiar with the figurine that Teddy has just nicked. It is about like eight inches in height and it's made from that sort of shiny gold metal that almost everything in anthropology is made out of. Yeah.
But the most important thing about this statue is that it looks exactly like Noodle the dog. It looks so much like Noodle that when Iris first noticed it a few months after she moved in, she had asked Blake which had come first, the dog or the dog statue. Blake had sort of rolled his eyes and been like, oh, that fucking thing is so tacky. But
before explaining that it had been a wedding gift. One of those things that he and Michael had thrown onto their registry after too many Proseccos. He'd actually wanted to get rid of it when it showed up on their doorstep, but Michael had fallen in love with the little gold statue.
The shelf that Teddy had just nicked the statue off of was even specially built into the bookcase by Michael just to display the statue. That's a little crazy. So as soon as Iris gets a moment to ask, she's like, Teddy, why did you take that statue? You know Michael loves that thing, right? And Teddy kind of starts giggling before revealing that he had actually been the one to buy the statue off the wedding registry. Right.
Because Teddy was knowingly a B-list invitation to Michael and Blake's wedding. This is actually one of Teddy's favorite situations to be in. He loves being the fun friend that's invited after, like, great Mildred decides not to attend. But part of being that friend meant that almost everything that was both affordable and practical on Blake and Michael's wedding registry had already been bought by the time Teddy was invited. Yeah.
Thus, the dog statue. And now Teddy has a brilliant idea for the dog statue. He wants to pull a prank.
Huge news! Our Dowager Queen, Kelsey McKinney, wrote a New York Times best-selling book of beautiful essays about gossip. It's called You Didn't Hear This From Me, mostly true notes on gossip, and I am obsessed.
It's about how we use gossip to learn about ourselves. It's about Britney Spears and Weston Caleb and Gilgamesh and Picasso. It's so fun. And not to be biased, but I kind of think it's pretty excellent. It's out right now in a hardback and a super sexy audiobook, which Kelsey narrates. You can buy wherever you buy your books. You can also go to KelseyMcKinneyBook.com to see all retailers.
Thank you.
Teddy has this brilliant idea of doing a flat Stanley with the Noodle the Dog statue, which basically entails taking pictures of the Noodle the Dog statue in various locations across the city. Do you remember Teddy's rules for a good prank? Ooh, um, low stakes. Mm-hmm. Not embarrassing. Mm-hmm. No physical situations. Yeah. Do you think this qualifies? I mean, I guess it's low stakes. It's not embarrassing, but it is a thing of like, oh, no!
Oh no, where's my statue? And now I'm tearing up the house. I'm concerned. I'm crying. I'm probably gone on a witch hunt with several friends. My man hates it. I'm about to accuse my man of hiding it because he hated it. Therefore, he hates me. Why are we even married if you hate me? Now we're divorced.
I love how quickly this escalated to divorce. I live life on the edge. So I have a feeling you think Michael will not take kindly to this prank. He's very particular. He, no offense to Virgos, he sounds like a Virgo. Yeah. So at this point, Iris has had several rosé jello shots. Tom!
Oh, that's great. And she's remembering how funny the Photoshop picture of her family is and how much she loves it now. And Teddy's her work bestie, which is the most sacred of relationships when you're 22. So Iris says, go forth. I'll keep your secret. Do you think this is a good idea? I would not have said go forth. I'm just a very like, I do...
Didn't see. I'm not involved. My name's Bennett and I ain't in it. Yeah. So the next day is Saturday and it's the kind of typical Saturday morning after a party. Everyone is sort of barely conscious. The townhouse is immaculate though because of Michael's post-party protocol, which is called post-party protocol. Iris is watching Michael perform the second part of his inspection. When she sees his spine sort of stiffen, a second later...
He drops his cup of coffee. Blake, who's been hanging out on the couch with Iris, is like, babe, what just happened? Because Michael doesn't drop things. Michael turns to her, Blake and Iris. He's as white as a sheet. It's gone, Michael says. Iris starts kind of like sinking into the couch. She's like, I'm not here. And Michael's like, the statue of Noodle, it's gone.
Blake's like, "Oh, is that all?" Michael is apoplectic. He's like, "Is that all? Is that all? What do you mean, is that all? Did you not hear me? It's gone. Someone stole it." Blake's like, "Honey, I don't think anyone would steal that statue. It probably just fell behind the bookcase or something."
Iris is like, yeah, it's probably behind the bookcase. Here's the thing, Iris. This is a really important part of being a gossip monger. Playing dumb. Being like, what? Wait, what happened? No, wait, girl, tell me. Like, what? So it sounds like what you would do if you were Iris right now is play dumb. Yeah. I don't even remember what it looks like. Could you show me a picture and I'll help you look for it?
You and Iris are actually on the exact same wavelength here. So Iris just kind of keeps her mouth shut and helps Michael when he asks her for help searching the area around the bookcase. She helps him when he widens the search to the living room. She helps him when he widens the search to the dining room and the kitchen. Within an hour, they have searched the entire townhouse. And as Iris expected, the statue doesn't turn up.
Blake cares no more than he did an hour ago. When Michael returns to the living room, Blake very gently is like, babe, we can just buy another one. I'm pretty sure it's from West Elm. Yeah.
But do you have anything in your house that you're just like maybe a little too attached to? Something that if it was gone, you would just be like, I know I'm not acting rationally, but I'm so upset. Oh, girl, all types of stuff. Like, for instance, I went to the Renaissance World Tour and I picked up a little silver cowboy hat. I was like, that'll be my little thing. Here's the thing.
Big Beyonce fan. I have the memory of the show. I've had parties and people love to put my little cowboy hat on when they leave the party. If someone walked out with it, I would be like, my cowboy. It's my cowboy hat. But it's not the end of the world because it's like, you're going to Cowboy Carter. Get another hat. No, that's real. So Michael burst into tears after this. Oh, oh, Michael. And at this point, Iris is like, I got to get out of here.
She has done enough fake searching that she feels able to go safely hide in her room at this point. As soon as she's in her room, she checks the partiful invite and sees that Michael has just written a post that starts with, I have been a victim of a crime in my own home and ends with, I will find you and report you to the proper authorities. Michael has also replied to his own post with a photo of his tear-stained face so that the thief... Oh, God!
I can see the emotional damage. That's probably how I'd react if I received that text. I'd be like, girl. Iris is panicking. She texts Teddy, who seemingly isn't awake yet.
And Michael is starting to go vigilante mode. He spends an hour squirreled away in his office and emerges with bloodshot eyes and a stack of posters that have clearly been hastily designed on Canva. The poster is,
includes an image of the statue, an image of Noodle for reference, and it offers a $250 reward for any information. Not even the return of the statue, just information. At what point do you think a prank becomes a crime? When there's bloodshed.
That's a good line to draw. Yeah. Yeah. So Iris makes up a birthday party she has to attend that night so she doesn't get roped into spending her Saturday night posting flyers for a statue that costs like $75 max. And it's as she's leaving for her party that Teddy finally texts her back and she calls him as soon as she's a block away from the house. I'd be even further. Child, let me go on Metro Stop Play. I'm not about to play with y'all.
Iris is like, dude, you have to return the statue. Michael's freaking out. And at first, Teddy's like, you're just not used to pulling pranks. It's fine. This always happens. But then Iris makes him check the partiful where a witch hunt is currently ensuing. Only one lone voice of reason has commented, maybe it was just a prank. To which Michael has responded, anyone who knows me knows that I do not like pranks. Okay, Michael and I have that in common. Don't prank me. Do not prank me.
What do you think are Iris and Teddy's options here? Okay, here are the options. Teddy, you have taken your Polaroids, you did your flat Stanley, you return it and include a very nice bottle of wine, maybe some cash money moolah for this man's dramatic ass. Yeah. This really is like an episode of New Girl. So she got exactly what she wanted. Yeah.
Because the thing is, if Teddy sneaks back in and puts it in there, it's going to be very obvious that it was Teddy. Yeah, he's a tertiary friend. What they're going to have to do, Teddy is going to have to get the statue to Iris. And somehow Iris is going to have to get it back in there when hopefully none of them notice. Iris is like...
why don't I just come to your place, get the statue, and I'll return it. Teddy is immediately like, you can't return it. I don't want you to get into any trouble over my stupid idea. He's like, what if I just deliver it to the door and run away, like, ding-dong ditch style? Iris is like,
That's not going to work. Michael and Blake have cameras at every door to the house because this neighborhood is notorious for package thievery. She's like, the minute they find the box, they're going to go back through the camera footage to find out who left it. And they're going to see that it's you.
And so Teddy's like, damn. And they're both quiet for a minute. And then Teddy's like, okay, what about this? What if I hire an Uber driver to come pick up the statue from my place and then drop it off at y'all's place? That way, it'll be someone Michael and Blake can't recognize. Do you see any problem with this plan? It's doing a lot. I guess. But also someone has to be there to pick it up. I don't know.
I don't know. Mail it to them without a return address. I just can't really think of anything better. So she's like, yeah, fine, whatever. Yeah.
Teddy has plans that Saturday night, so the reverse heist will have to take place the next day. So Iris spends the next day and night just sick to her stomach from stress. Missing statue posters are just plastered across their neighborhood. When Iris like ventures outside her room, she can hear Michael and Blake talking in like tense, hushed tones in the kitchen. At one point, Aiden and Michael actually get into a little fight.
Michael is convinced that since the statue was stolen the night that Aiden had control of the guest list, that Aiden should be doing more to help find the statue. Aiden is busy packing to move to Arizona and preparing for his shift at the bar. And so at first he's calm and he's like, I'll do as much as possible. I text my friends, et cetera, et cetera. But then he starts getting a little angry as Michael kind of keeps like badgering him and
And finally, he says, none of my friends would want your stupid statue, which is real and fair. What maybe isn't fair is what Aiden says next. Aiden, perhaps emboldened by the fact that he's moving out, is like, and another thing, fuck your roommate accountability meetings. This isn't HR. It's a house.
Although I do think meeting reg, I don't know. I'm a check in. Maybe Michael and I are just girl bosses lost in the wrong era. Cause you do have to check in, but everyone should take turns running the meeting.
Aiden also tells Michael that he will not be sharing his special spicy mojito recipe when he moves out, which is Michael's favorite recipe. So morale is bad in the house, all to say. The only person no one is angry at is Iris, which is maybe why Blake asked Iris if she'll watch the Oscars with them that Sunday night. He even says he'll buy her takeout.
Iris knows a bribe when she sees one, but Michael and Blake also exclusively order from the kind of restaurants that Iris can't afford, so she's not going to say no to that. This is exactly how Iris finds herself on the couch between Blake and Michael who are talking to each other in that sort of clipped tone that couples talk in when they're fighting, but there's someone else in the room. Oh, they're keeping it cute. Why'd you invite me? Just fight. Yeah.
So they're watching the 94th Academy Awards. It's Sunday night. It has now been 33 hours since the statue went missing.
Do you watch the Oscars? Most of the time I do. I did not this year, but most of the time I do like an award show. The thing about the Oscars, though, they don't have a lot of musical performances. And that's kind of what draws me in. That's fair. Iris doesn't really care about the Oscars that much. So she sort of just like half watches the ceremony, which is pretty boring that year. She's mostly watching her phone.
The ceremony has just cut to commercial when Teddy finally texts her that the Uber is on its way to him. Iris is like, thank God my long national nightmare is almost over. Oh, my God.
A few minutes later, Teddy texts Iris again. He writes, okay, change of plan. Iris's stomach just drops. Apparently the Uber driver had gotten freaked out by Teddy's request. Teddy had had to show the Uber driver what was in the box that he had wanted delivered. And even after seeing the dog statue, the Uber driver had made Teddy get in the car too.
So Iris is beginning to sweat. Luckily, they had ordered Thai for dinner so she can blame her sweating on her extra spicy drunken noodles.
Best documentary feature is about to be presented as Iris is sweating and Teddy is updating her on his location. Iris isn't just nervous because all of this is categorically insane. She's nervous because she knows that to get to the front door of the townhouse, you have to open like a little fence and go a couple feet to the door.
And the sound of the fence opening always makes Noodle bark. She texts Teddy, like, remind the driver that he shouldn't linger at the door too long. And Teddy's like, okay, got it. Iris is staring at the TV screen, seeing nothing. She barely registers Chris Rock say, Jada, I love you. G.I. Jane 2, can't wait to see it. Do you remember what happened after this?
my wife's name so iris just immediately forgets her reverse heist because without warning will smith goes from laughing at chris rock's joke to climbing up onto the stage and well we all know what happened next immediately the room dissolves into shrieks of what the fuck just happened was that part of the show oh my god was that real
A full ten minutes pass before any of them think to check their phones, at which point Iris learns that her reverse heist has hit yet another roadblock. Because while Will Smith was slapping the shit out of Chris Rock...
The Uber driver had been getting more and more freaked out. And the situation isn't helped by the fact that as the car gets closer and closer to the townhouse, Teddy is just sliding further and further down the seat so he won't be visible from the outside. Instead of delivering the box to the door as planned, the Uber driver sort of just like chucked it over the fence into the front yard. Oh!
Which is why Noodle hasn't barked. Iris is like silently dying inside.
She keeps checking the app on her phone that's connected to the cameras to check on the package, which she can see is like right in the front yard. Luckily, Blake and Michael are engrossed in their phones trying to figure out what the fuck just happened on screen. There's like Zapruder film level analysis happening online of the minutes leading up to and immediately after the slap. Iris feels insane. She's like, what?
is going on tonight. Finally, though, finally, Blake gets up to let Noodle out for the last pee of the night. And from the front porch, Iris hears Blake say, What the fuck is that? Oh!
Blake comes back into the house with the box and is like, did y'all order something? Michael and Iris are both shaking their head no. Iris is just like vibrating out of her skin watching Blake open this box. Let's open it. What's in it? She's channeling Oscar's worthy performance as she leans in.
And it's a little easier to do because she's genuinely worried that the statue has maybe gotten damaged as it got thrown over the fence. So the gasp of shock she lets out when Blake pulls the unharmed statue out of the box is only half fake. Oh my gosh! The house immediately descends into chaos for the second time that night. Oh!
Michael screams and then cries and then goes to check the footage from the video cameras. This time, Iris' shock is all real because the Uber driver was trying to keep as much of a distance from this whole thing as possible. Real, fair, same.
He didn't come close enough to be caught on camera. So all the camera sees is his arm tossing it in. Iris immediately texts us to Teddy, who is already safely home. Meanwhile, Michael just starts going theory mode. He is no longer convinced.
It was one of Aiden's friends because the thief obviously knew the exact visual range of their security cameras, which means it had to be an inside job. No! But what?!
Can't you just be happy? Well, Michael tries to get everyone to speculate with him about who could have possibly done this. But no one is biting because Iris is obviously keeping her mouth shut. And Blake is far more concerned with figuring out why Will Smith just slapped Chris Rock. You know what? I would have gaslit Michael and be like, Michael, did you do this? Michael, I know you live for drama. Michael, come on.
Did you steal your own statue for the drama? Well, that's pretty much the end of the story.
if you're michael do you ever let this go honestly at every party i'd be like you guys want to hear a mystery the weirdest thing happened it was so weird well that's our gossip today jonathan oh my gosh so much wow i went on a journey along with michael we went on a journey together oh my gosh there really is nothing like housing hijinks because it's like who are these people and why are we doing this
No, exactly. Staying with random roommates is just like, you're not my family. And somehow we are so intimate. Yeah, it's like, wait, are you my chosen family? And then it's like, no, we're just bound together by. Wow. I'm so glad noodle and gold noodle are OK. We love noodle in this household. Yeah.
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