The Suite Life of Rachelle and Kelsey
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Hello, it's Kelsey McKinney from Normal Gossip. And as you may have already heard, it is time for Radiotopia's annual fall fundraiser. Radiotopia is the parent company that helps us make this podcast. And they're the home to a lot of guests of the show that you know and love already. Avery Truffleman, Ronald Young Jr., Zakiya Gibbons, and more who you'll meet this season. Donating to Radiotopia gives money to help all of the shows in this network make money. And

Like our podcast, their shows take a ton of time and energy and money, hours of work on every episode. And the money that's given in this drive will help our peers do better, exciting work that they're really passionate about. And one thing I love about Radiotopia is that it is really creator first. Creators retain full ownership of their ideas and get to make the creative and business choices that are right for them.

Plus, Radiotopia is a nonprofit, so that's a tax deduction if you're looking for one. Head to radiotopia.fm slash donate to make a tax-deductible contribution and support our work. Visit radiotopia.fm slash donate to learn more and donate. Thank you so much.

Hi, and welcome to Normal Gossip. I'm Kelsey McKinney, and in each episode of this podcast, we're going to bring you an anonymous morsel of gossip from the real world.

Today is a very special day. Things are changing. And while change can be a little scary, I ask that you trust us. We believe that while this is a big change, it's going to be a fucking great one. When Alex and I first started working on this podcast in earnest, I was kind of doing it as a bit. Like I'd never hosted a podcast before. I'd never written a script. It was just this weird and funny thing we were doing. And then obviously it became so much more than that.

But the thing about creative work of any kind is that it requires passion and energy. And more than anything, it requires its creators to be entertained. If I'm bored by a story, you'll be bored by a story. Like if I'm not excited about something we're doing, it won't feel exciting for you. I never want to half-ass an episode for y'all. I do not want to run this thing into the ground on my own ego or hubris or some other weird third thing.

The stories being good has always been our priority, and for the stories to continue being good on Normal Gossip, it needs new minds. Which is all to say, we have been keeping a secret from you this whole season. And it has been so hard because it is such an exciting secret. Last week's episode with Rishikesh Hereway was the last episode that Alex and I controlled.

We babied it. We loved it. We love all of our episodes, our beautiful children. Don't ask us which one is our favorite. We don't know. For us, the gossip era is changing. I have written a book about gossip that's out in February. I'll tour it in February and then I will be moving on. Alex will move on. We will move on to something else that I can't tell you yet because I don't know what it is. We need time to figure it out.

But this show is so good, and I'm so proud of what we built here. And we could not leave y'all gossipless heading into what is sure to be a nightmare few years. You deserve a good product and great stories. You deserve to be entertained. And so we are handing it off.

The podcast will stay in-house at Defector Media, where Alex will still keep an eye on it as supervising producer. We will stay with Radiotopia, and I will still be around and involved like some kind of overbearing auntie. This is a peaceful transition of power. You will be in new, beautiful, brilliant hands.

I am thrilled, beyond belief even, shaking. I'm so excited to introduce to you the new host of Normal Gossip, America's next top normal gossip host with podcast absolute best friend, Rachel fucking Hampton. Rachel, hello.

This is the most exciting day of my life. It's the most exciting day of my life. I'm thrilled. I can't tell you how excited I am. The thing is, like, the handover isn't even in the future. It starts right now. This episode is being produced by Rachel's partner in crime, Sierra Spragley-Rix.

These are the very last moments that I am in charge. And because I am in charge for like a couple more minutes, I'm going to brag about you, Rachel. I'm so sorry. Oh, scary, scary. I don't know. I just think that people need to know that like you have been in this show's DNA from the beginning. You were the second episode we ever recorded. That story became season one's Can I Say Something Bitchy, which people still say is their favorite episode.

When we wanted to try out a live show a million years ago, you did us a favor and were the guest.

Like not to make you cry, but like you're fucking brilliant. Like after Rachel joined effector this summer, she came to all of our meetings and helped with the stories and gave notes on the episodes. You already love her work. Like I'm crying because I have so much faith in her. It's ridiculous. Like there's no one I would have handed this show off to except for Rachel. Rachel, as a water sign, are you thrilled that I have cried on the podcast for the first time? I,

I have never been happier in my entire life than to see you crying what are clearly happy tears. I love this show. I love you. I love Alex and Jay and I love Sierra. And this show has been my favorite show since it started. I literally remember recording that episode with you in an old apartment in Brooklyn and thinking,

You know, there are shows that I will re-listen to. There are very few shows that I will re-listen to, but I know this is going to be one of them. And it was entirely accurate. It's been such an honor to be involved with this show from the very beginning. Every single time I was invited back, I just kept thinking, wow, I'm so happy to be writing Kelsey's coattails. And here I am doing it once again. Okay.

Kelsey, how do you feel? I feel emotional, more emotional than I expected. But really, I mean, doing this has been one of the highlights of my career. It's an honor to bring these insane stories 20 weeks a year to the people. Like, I'm so, so grateful to everyone who listens and tells their friends to listen, who sent in gossip and who loves our work. And like,

As of right now, Rachel's in charge, which is I'm fucking thrilled. I'm so excited. Like I finally get to do what everyone else gets to do, which is listen to these stories like for the first time and freak out. Like I can't wait to do that. And as your first benevolent act, I get to be the guest today on your first episode, which is so exciting for me. Rachel, are you ready? I think I am.

Take it away, babe.

Hello and welcome to Normal Gossip. I'm Rachel Hampton. In each episode of this podcast, we're going to be bringing you in anonymous morsel of gossip from the real world. And today I am joined by Dowager Queen of Normal Gossip, Kelsey McKinney. Hello! Not Dowager Queen like I've hit menopause. No!

Listen, you are at state dinners. You are telling the Archduke that he is allowed. We are up. Kelsey, how's it feel to be on the other side? Oh my God. Okay. To be honest, I'm like a little nervous. Like I probably should have done this earlier because I'm like our poor guests, right? Like I'm like, I don't know what's coming. I don't know what you're going to say to me. Like I had to pick a gossip story and I was like, oh no. Yeah.

I love that you are finally experiencing what guests have to go through. Well...

It's time for you to answer the question that you've been asking for years now, except a little different. How has your relationship with gossip changed over the course of hosting this show? Ooh, so when I started hosting the show, I do think our kind of relationship to gossip was a little different as a culture. We spent a lot of the first season trying to convince people that gossip was not evil.

And that really isn't something you have to do as often anymore. Like, there's just way more gossip in the world and way more positive feelings toward gossip. Like, a pendulum is kind of swinging. So I think when I started the show, my relationship with gossip was still, like, a little tentative. I kind of came into it as, like, oh, you know...

Here's this thing that I love that people say is bad. Here's this way that I view it that I want other people to view it. And that really has changed. I mean, substantially in four years. And I think now my I'm I think about gossip all the time. I've thought about it constantly for so long, right? Like I wrote a whole book about it. And it's like the only thing I've been able to think about for years. So yeah.

I think my relationship with it now is much more professional, first off, but I'm also just inundated with gossip now because every single person who I ever meet is like, here's a little morsel. Would you like it? And so I am eating. I,

I cannot wait for people to know even more that they can tell me gossip after this moment. I also love how you say the pendulum has swung since the show started as if the show was not part of the pendulum swinging. Kelsey, I wonder why the pendulum has swung so much. Maybe because there's a show that has taught the importance and joy of gossip. Huh?

Yeah. I mean, I do think that that's probably true on some level. It is funny that now I feel like, I mean, don't read the comments, et cetera, but we do get criticism sometimes from people who are like, why are you talking about the importance that gossip has in the world? Everybody already knows this. And I'm like, well, all right. One, not everyone. Two, like that wasn't true when we started. And I think it's hard. It has been often hard for me to remember that like

The culture has changed and we were part of that change, right? Like people are now thinking about gossip as more of a storytelling mechanism than they were three years ago. And I do think that Alex and I's work had a lot to do with that. And I'm happier for it because the stories are fucking better, right? Like people are going straight to Cam on TikTok with the craziest shit you've ever heard, which is...

Mama Mia, what a gift, you know? How many story times on TikTok have been influenced by normal gossip? We'll never know, but I will say safely a million. Yeah.

Speaking of, a little birdie told me you had some gossip for me. Oh my god, I do. Okay, so I know this girl, right? Well, I don't know her. A friend of a friend knows her. And she has this terrible boss, right? Like he's the kind of guy who like never wears shoes in the office. Ew. Yeah, and like brings his dog in even though people on his staff are allergic. Rude. Yeah, and this is like gross tech company, right? So she like works all the time. She's miserable. Yeah.

And one day they're like, hey, we need you to run out and get champagne because it's your boss's birthday. And she's like, oh, OK. So she goes to the grocery store. She's in this like huge rush. And the checkout clerk is like trying to gab with her. Right. Yeah. He's like, you know, how's your day? How's it going? And she's like flustered. And she's like, I'm so sorry, but like, can you please hurry? Wow. Yeah.

And then he slows down. He's like taking the bottle really slowly off the conveyor belt. He's like, you know, trying to scan the bottle like halfheartedly. It's like not scanning. And she's like, I'm going to lose my fucking mind. Yeah. Then the bottle like kind of slips.

And it catches, you know, on the edge of that like scale thing. And it fucking shatters. I mean, glass everywhere. Glass in his hair, glass in her hair, like sticky champagne fucking on the ceiling, right? Everywhere. Oh my God. Help hazard. Help hazard. And this girl, because she is like so worked up about this terrible job that she has with this terrible boss is like,

oh my God, like I can't believe this. I'm in a rush. This is ridiculous. Yeah. You think that's a reasonable response here? Oh, I would have started crying. Oh no. It's one of those things where you, it's the final straw.

And you normally would not have cried about something like that. Yes. And then it happens at the end of a really long day and you're like, everything has been building to this moment and now I'm simply releasing myself to the tears. 100%. Yeah. And shattering, I think. Something shattering is like the worst version of that. Glass in your hair? Yeah.

You can't move. Right. Like it's awful. The other thing is that she's kind of like raised her voice at him by being like, this is ridiculous. Like she has gotten a little sharp. And so she's like embarrassed. She's like, I'm not really the kind of person who yells. Like I definitely don't want to be the kind of person who yells at a checkout guy at the grocery store. And so she's like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. Like,

It's an accident. Like, I did not mean to yell at you. And then she looks up and makes eye contact. And he is like, so, so, so hot. Keep going. Like, how, what kind of game do you have? What would you do here? Well, the thing is, I would have been crying. So I don't know how much game I have in this moment. But...

I think if you're apologizing for being sharp, it's a really easy way to be like, I'm so sorry. I'm having a terrible day. I didn't mean to yell at you. Can I do anything to make it up to you?

Yes, exactly. And our girl has like no game, but she is good at apologizing. So she's like, I'm so sorry. She's like swooning. Right. And he's like, what kind of person yells at a checkout guy? But there's a wink in his voice. So it's really more like, what kind of person yells at a checkout guy? I think I want to know that kind of person. And then she's like a bad person. And he's like, hmm, I don't know about that.

And then they went out for drinks after his shift was over and they got married. Oh, stop! No!

This is beautiful. This is beautiful. Following up from the gossip from Caroline about the adoptive teen lord, I love rom-com gossip. I love a getting together story. I love a meet cute. Give it to me. Inject it. It gives me hope that I don't have to be on Tinder and I can just have a bad day and get champagne spilled all over me and then find my husband. No.

I was like, I know my girls are romantic, so I'm going to bring her this cutesy little story. Thank you so much. That was beautiful. I have something for you. Oh my God. What is it? Are you ready for some gossip? I've never been more ready in my life. Let's fucking go.

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Okay, Kelsey, today our friend of a friend is Josie. Okay. Josie's in her mid-30s, and her most defining trait is being a former theater kid. Oh, no. She is the kind of person who prefers the original Broadway cast recording of R.I.P. more than the 2005 movie soundtrack, even though a lot of the actors are the same.

She's the kind of person who listened to the Hamilton mixtape when it came out. No. Her go-to karaoke song is Don't Rain on My Parade from Funny Girl. No. Our story today takes place on international waters. No! What? Because for the past eight years, our friend of a friend, Josie, has been working as a performer on cruises.

Kelsey, how do you feel about cruises? I'm already, there's so many things I hate happening in here. Like something I think I have kept decently concealed throughout the time as the host of this podcast is that the type of person I have the most like struggles with in my interpersonal life is these people, right? Like the like very loud theater kid brand is a type that I really struggle to interact with because I'm a Virgo and I'm not fun. Um,

Also, a thing I don't like is international waters. Like they could just kill you out there. Like you shouldn't go out there. You definitely should not go out there for work. Like we barely have any protections in this country. Don't go out there.

I've never been on a cruise and I don't really want to go out there on a cruise. I think the ocean is a beautiful and terrifying place and I respect her by staying away. Exactly. So fair. Like, yeah, I've seen the Titanic, you know, and so has our girl Josie, who was also initially very skeptical of cruises, not just because of the Titanic, but because she's a hot young thing. She's not a retiree. Yes. And.

And like most people in creative fields, at the beginning of her career, Josie had really big dreams. Oh. She went to Berkeley, the music school in Boston. Yeah. The one in California. She was going to be on Broadway. She was going to travel the world on the Lion King tour. Oh, no.

But then she graduated and started working shows in Boston and realized that working your way up in the theater world is both hard and expensive. And she also kind of hates Boston. It's cold and snowy and full of racists. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. And Josie, she had this feeling that if she really wanted to make it, she needed to move to New York, but she doesn't come from money. She has loans from Berkeley and bartending while waiting for callbacks is barely covering her rent. Totally. Do you have any experience in a field like this?

Yeah, I mean, yikes. My first job in journalism paid $30,000 before taxes, and I had to move to Washington, D.C., which has one of the highest tax rates in the country. Almost all creative careers are filled with people who are just secretly wealthy, and you don't find that out until they're like 27 somehow. Like, they just hide it. And I also think there's like in any creative career, if you are successful, you know that part of that is luck. Yeah.

And like, if you don't get lucky, you are kind of screwed, right? Like I was there. I remember being like, I just need five things to fall in my favor and it'll be fine. And like, you can't, there's nothing you can do to control that, which sucks.

Poor Josie. Well, the thing is, one day a few years after graduating, Josie is bitching about her situation, as one does. Yeah, of course. But that day was different because the person she was bitching to was a professor at Berkeley that she was still close to. And this professor let her in on a secret way of making money.

while still pursuing her musical dreams. So I did some research about how much cruise performers make and the starting rate is around $2,400 a month, which doesn't really sound like a lot. But remember,

You're not paying any rent. Okay. You don't have any food costs because every meal is paid for. You get free transportation to and from Port of Call. So all you have to do is get yourself to an airport. And your health insurance is free on board. Ooh, okay.

So you have no life expenses. Exactly. You can just save money. And to a struggling recent college grad, it sounds like a pretty sweet life, right? Yeah. Some might say a sweet life on deck. No, no. What?

Get out. So you're Josie. You're 24. You're spending down your savings. You're second in line for an understudy role in a Boston production of Jesus Christ Superstar. And you kind of think Andrew Lloyd Webber is a hack. Yes.

Your professor has already passed your resume along to a director of a cruise that's shipping out in a month. The first stop, it's in the Bahamas. What do you do? Okay, the thing is, I'm getting it, right? Like, it's cold, it's miserable. Once I dropped my cannoli on the ground in Boston, so I have beef with that city. Like, I understand why she would want to leave. I still am like, don't do it. Like, do not get on this cruise ship. Because I just am like...

Any story that has gotten to this level ends in chaos. So I'm like, I would not be getting on the ship. Unfortunately, our girl Josie is like, sign me the fuck up. I know.

She finds a subletter for her room in Jamaica Plains and ships out. And for the first few cruises, the ships are a little rinky-dink. They're a little run down. Think the kind of cruise you might get a Groupon for. Everything costs a little extra. The Spirit Airlines of cruises. No, no, absolutely not. Like, no. But the thing is, Josie's actually really good at being a cruise employee.

Importantly, most cruise contracts are at least four months in length. But if you're a performer, you can spend 11 months with your cast and musical director, two months in rehearsals, and nine months for the actual cruise. You have to be a really particular kind of person to thrive in these sort of environments. Okay. Like, not only are you surrounded by water in every direction, you're stuck with the same people for nearly a year. There's no...

Everyone knows everyone who knows everything. You are basically kind of on a floating prison. It's like a floating prison or like the Big Brother house without cameras, right? Exactly. And cameras if you're on Below Deck. Oh, no.

But Josie thrives. She loves being rocked to sleep by the waves. She loves the tackiness of the cruise ships. She's the kind of person that knows how to keep a secret. Okay. So everyone tells her everything and knows she won't tell anyone else. So she's very rarely involved in drama. That's power, baby. But knows all the drama. And at the end of every contract, Josie keeps telling herself, this is the last one. Oh, no. One year goes by.

by two years go by no and now somehow it's been over eight years since Josie graduated and she's been promoted to musical director and she's really fucking good at it she's the perfect mix of warm and uptight her performers feel safe with her but they also know not to fuck around she runs a tight ship yeah

And she's been doing this long enough that not only does she get all the good contracts for the fancy ships, but because she's a musical director, she even gets her own room. Ooh. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. This woman has been living for eight years at sea in a shared room? Yes. Remember, she's a theater kid. Yeah.

So our story starts at the beginning of a very special cruise that Josie is musically directing. It is an Arctic cruise. Do you know anything about Arctic cruises? Oh my God. I've seen those terrifying TikToks where it's like a boat going through waves that seem to be the size of like the Empire State Building. Oh, with the sound in the back that's like, yo.

Oh, she's an artist. Yes. And those scare me. Also, you don't need to go to Antarctica. That's not a place people need to go. Like, I understand that people are like, I want to see penguins. They have penguins at the zoo. Yeah. So yeah.

Important to know that Arctic cruises are also very expensive cruises. Cruises over 20 days to Antarctica range from $18,000 to $45,000 according to NationalGeographicExpeditions.com, which is a real website. Wow. Ooh. The cheapest Arctic cruise...

Costs $7,000. And the thing is, this is not a cheap cruise. This ship has six levels, and it has a special insulated engine that prevents it from freezing in cold water. I don't like that you're telling me that. I don't like that at all. Continue. Josie's been on this cruise before. The last time, as they were making their way to Antarctica, a passenger had a heart attack, and someone yelled, is anyone a doctor? Yeah.

100 people raised their hand. So they yelled, a heart doctor. 30 people raised their hand. So this is a cruise with the best tips. Yeah, it's giving rich. She's going to be rich.

She's excited not just for the tips and the Arctic Circle, but because her friend Mira will be on board this cruise. Okay. Josie and Mira have worked together before. Mira is a singer. She's still young enough to have the big dreams that Josie's kind of given up on. Okay. Mira has a boyfriend on land. He's in understudy in East Side Story in Milwaukee. And Mira is positive that this man's going to be her big break.

But the thing about Mira is that she's actually a pretty good singer. And she's really stubborn like Josie and likes to be right. But the thing about Mira and Josie is they usually agree with each other. So they're right together. And that's what matters. It's two dumb bitches telling each other exactly. So it's just our entire text thread. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. How are you feeling so far?

I'm feeling stressed, I would say, is a primary emotion. I'm feeling, I also think, you know, two stubborn people who are on the same team is very dangerous for everyone else. So that is a power position to have all the secrets and be the boss and be in a stubborn person duo. Those are some good observations. The day comes where it's time to board the cruise.

Okay. And Josie texts Mira, surprise, I've got a hot plate for you. Okay. This is a huge deal because anything that creates heat on a ship is contraband. Oh. Other than the obvious forbidden items of fireworks, firearms, and swords, which is specified. There will be no swashbuckling here, Kelsey. Okay.

Other things that are verboten other than swashbuckling are heating blankets, coffee makers, clothes irons, and steamers. Okay.

candles, incense, hot water kettles, and hot plates. The performers can't even have fairy lights in their room. Oh, no. Okay, so being cozy is forbidden. Yes. And you must be wrinkly. Yes, exactly. This seems so bad. Like, you're going, where are we going? The Arctic Circle? Antarctica, yes. We're going to Antarctica? Yes. Like, you can't, it's so cold there. You can't have a heating pad? No.

I use my heating pad sometimes in my house when it's like 70 degrees. Oh, same, same. But the thing is, singers love hot plates and kettles. Okay.

Not because they're pyromaniacs, to be clear. Okay, okay. But because they allow you to do things like heat up water, steam your vocal cords, make tea in your room more soup, keep your voice healthy. And remember, the ship, huge. The crew cabins are kind of far from the mess hall. Oh, no. Sometimes at the end of a 11-month contract, you want to make ramen in your room and not put on pants. Yeah, that makes perfect sense to me. I also imagine if you are singing...

consistently on a cruise ship, you're going to want to have like a nice little, you know, warm water with lemon as a treat. Exactly. So the hot plate is a big deal. It's a big deal. It's highly forbidden, incredibly in demand, which of course means they're extremely difficult to smuggle on board. Security knows what the crew is up to.

Which means that if you succeed, you're basically a god. So obviously normal gossip doesn't condone crimes. Is that obvious? Not yet. Okay, sorry. Sorry, continue. But if you were to try to smuggle a highly forbidden item onto a cruise where your baggage is scanned, how would you do it? Do I have to go through a metal detector? Yes. Okay. So I need to go through a metal detector. My bag is going to be scanned. Okay.

Um, ooh, I think maybe if it's going through a metal detector, you have a problem, right? Because the hot plate is mostly metal. So it's going to set off the little dingy thing no matter what. Correct. So that means that you need the hot plate to go through security in something that's not going to go through the metal detector thing. Correct.

So could I like buy a bag for all of the film cameras that I have and put it on the bottom of that? That's what I would do and be like, this is my bag for film. It can't go in there. It'll become ruined. That's really smart. Thank you. Josie didn't think of this. And Josie has also tried to do this before.

Ooh. But every time she tries to smuggle something on board, it never quite works. Okay. Like the last cruise, she managed to get a kettle on board, but the little heating plate got found. So she just had a useless kettle in her room for the entire cruise, staring back at her, reminding her of her failure. That's terrible.

But this time, Josie has a secret weapon. Ooh. Josie knows everyone. Right. Including the AV guys. Ooh. Oh, hell yeah. Who are expected to be carrying metal equipment, such as speakers and microphones, and perhaps a deconstructed hot plate. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. AV guys also, in my experience, are stoners. Yes.

and are bribable. So this is seeming like a good situation to me. Okay, continue. Yeah. On the last cruise, Josie helped the head AV guy, Tim, through a really rough breakup because every breakup at sea is very rough. Oh, no! Oh!

Tim was dating a guy at the meat carving station who, to be fair, was really hot. His arms were really toned from carving meat and they were covered in beautiful Americana tattoos of mermaids and sirens. But what this meant was that when he and Tim broke up, that Josie was basically forced into being a vegetarian for the last two months of the cruise because she could no longer go to the meat carving station. So Tim owes her.

Yeah, okay. He agrees to smuggle in a hot plate and covertly deliver it to her room. We are bartering goods and services. Therapy in exchange for minor crimes. This is the future liberals want. Hell yeah. Solidarity within community. Exactly. Do you see anything wrong with this plan?

Okay, unfortunately, not really, which seems like a big flaw, right? Like, it does seem like a fair trade to me to be like, you're going to smuggle this hot plate on and in exchange, I've already done labor for you. The only thing I can think about is that since Josie is like keeper of secrets, this is now a secret that Tim has, which is ammo. So Josie, she's like, it's worth it for this hot plate. It changed my life. Okay.

She gets to her room on board. She's like sweating bullets on her way through security. She's chatting with the security guys like, yeah, nice to see you. I had a good break.

So she gets to her room on board. She's sweating bullets on her way through security. She gets to her room. She's going through the drawer. She's searching under the duvet. She can't find the hot plate. And she's like, have I failed yet again? Has Tim failed me? Did I provide free therapy for nothing? Tim, please. But then she looks in the closet and there on a high shelf is

Oh, my God. Hell yeah. No, no, no, no, no. The right answer here is to be like, thank you so much. And then you close the door. Yeah.

So something I forgot to mention is that when you board a ship as a performer, you go into the cabin of the person who had the role before you. So if you're the musical director, you go into the cabin of the last cast musical director. Oh, okay. And standard cruise practice is that anything left behind is yours to keep or give away. Okay.

So that means the previous musical director on this ship, rather than try to de-smuggle a hot plate, left theirs behind. Which means Josie now has two. Famously, there's not a lot of space in cruise rooms, even though Josie has her own. And Josie doesn't want to keep both, which is how she comes to text her friend Mira that she has a hot plate to share. Mira responds, sexed. Wait.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. She's just going to give her the hot plate? That's the question I have for you. Do you give away your hot plate for free? No. This is a bartering economy. You've got to be bartering. Like, you don't need money for it, but like, what does Mira have that you could have? Exactly. Josie is also smart. She knows it's about to be a long contract. And Josie also knows something important about Mira, which is that Mira somehow always manages to smuggle edibles onto the ship. Oh.

And crew aren't allowed to drink while they're on the job. There are random breathalyzers while you're working. And technically, there are random drug tests. But Josie and Mira know that they're pretty rare. They really only happen if, like, security is suspicious. Everything I'm learning about working on a cruise is making me less happy about it. Like, you don't get to drink. They can drug test you at any moment. Like, it sounds like the whole cruise ship is actually sea jail. Floating prison! No!

So Josie would like some edibles to get her through this experience. Yeah. And she also knows that Mira could really use a hot plate because she's a singer. Okay. And the thing is, Mira can be a bit of a diva. No. It's because she cares. She wants to be in kinky boots. Okay.

This is just a stepping stone to something bigger. But Josie's been around the block enough to know that Mira's never going to be in kinky boots. Yeah. She doesn't want to crush Mira's dreams. And she wants Mira to feel valued as a performer because for a crew singer, Mira is pretty talented. So this trade is also a bit of an ego boost for Mira. Star treatment. Protect your precious voice queen. Yeah, being the talent queen.

Exactly. Exactly. It also seems like Josie's doing a little bit of like, I see so much of myself in you parentheses derogatory, right? Exactly.

So the trade is done. Mira rich in hot water and ramen, Josie rich in edibles, and the crew sets off. Vibe check. Kelsey, how are you feeling so far? Do you foresee any problems? Right now, to be honest, I'm feeling pretty good. Two people have hot plates, which is way more than we thought we're going to have hot plates. I seem to have a very solid ally.

in Tim, the AV guy. I'm okay for now, but I'm still worried about us being on a boat. That is concerning to me. I'm not a very good swimmer. Same. I'm worried. I cannot swim at all. So we would not be in this situation. Luckily, Mira and Josie can swim. Neither of them go overboard. Okay, lucky. Great.

Eight months pass. Okay. At this point, it's technically month 10 of the contract. Right. So everyone is sick of each other. Everyone's already fucked each other, broken up, gone back together and broken up again. Mira ran out of edibles at the end of the fourth month. Oh, that's bad pacing. Josie managed to make hers last through month six. But now it's month eight. Tensions are high.

Enemies have formed. Vibes are not good. Everyone wants to go home and everyone is holding on by a thread. Josie's seen this happen before and is at the point where she's spending most of her time in her room, but that doesn't protect her from the slow descent into chaos or from Mira's ego being inflated by rich and drunk passengers. Oh no. Every heart doctor on this boat is like, you're the best singer I've ever heard. Yeah.

Because they've been stuck in like school for 25 years and they haven't seen a Broadway play. Exactly. Josie's trying to walk a fine line of praising Mira and keeping her humble. But Mira does not make this easy. Sure. Mira keeps opting up in songs without telling the pianist. Oh, no. At the end of every show, Mira just stays on stage a little too long.

Sometimes Mira has one of her friends from the kitchen throw flowers at her after her solo. What? Which always goes on for 30 seconds too long.

Mira has put a decal on her door that says Angel of Music. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I mean, this is like, oh, I like this girl's making me crazy. Like, I don't know her. But I something I truly cannot tolerate is people who act like they're hot shit when they're still in a really small pond.

Like I'm like, be aware of your surroundings. Like know that you are, yeah, you're the hottest girl on the cruise ship, but we are in international waters. There's a whole coast of people trying to have your job. Like,

Oh my God, my man. And the thing is, Mira always wants to talk with Josie after every show for what she calls feedback, but it's basically a demand for compliments and highly specific praise from Josie. And when Josie's compliments are too similar, Mira gets despondent and spends the next performance on the verge of tears. Oh no. Oh no.

So our girl Josie's tired. Yeah, she's exhausted. She's exhausted. Luckily for her, they have one more journey to the Arctic on this contract and then they're free. Okay. So they've just finished docking in Santiago when Tim, the AV guy, knocks on Josie's door. He has an illicit trade.

He's like, I picked up some Xanax at port. Don't ask how. Xanax is a very hot commodity among the crew because they get health insurance through the boat. It's almost never prescribed unless absolutely necessary. And unfortunately, eight months of Mira does not count as a medical condition in the eyes of the staff doctors.

So Tim's like, I picked up some Xanax at port. Don't ask how. Don't tell anyone. I'm not trading with everyone. I specifically want a hot plate and I know you have one. This is an exclusive opportunity for you. Ooh. Josie's like, why do you want a hot plate now? We only have a month left. And Tim gets a little shy before finally telling her that he started dating one of the bartenders and she really wants a hot plate and Tim wants to impress her.

So do you help Tim slash yourself? Do you trade the hot plate? Oh, this is a hard one because one, I've been led to believe that relationships on this beautiful ship are short lived and filled with animosity.

So I would be more happy to trade Tim himself the hot plate for Xanax than I am to give it to a bartender. Right. Like I'm like, hmm, what I don't want is for my hot plate to just be gone. In theory, I would like to be able to get my hot plate back in the future with another illicit trade. I don't love it. Yeah. But Mira sounds really fucking annoying. Yeah. Josie likes the idea of this trade.

She wants to keep her hot plate because it allows her to avoid her coworkers and stay in her room. Right. But the benefit of drugs is that they allow her to avoid her coworkers and stay in her room. Yeah, yeah. Both great points. So Josie's like, wait a minute. I have a brilliant idea. I'll trade my extra hot plate. Oh, no. Oh, my God. I don't know. This is not going to go well. So Josie texts Mira.

Oh my god. I can't. Oh, this is such a bad idea. This is so bad. Like, that hot plate is not coming back, girl. Like, you traded it for something. The edibles are gone. So you need to trade her something else to get the hot plate back. Exactly.

Exactly. But the thing is, Mira texts her back and she's like, sure, do you need it now? Josie responds, no, I'll get it later. And Josie's like, success. I'm getting my hot plate back. But the thing is, Mira doesn't want to give the hot plate back. And that becomes abundantly obvious because Mira starts avoiding Josie. ♪♪

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Things start to get messy. Josie starts texting Mira every day. Hey, can you bring me my hot plate? Hey, I'm here for the hot plate. Hey, do you see yourself giving me my hot plate back?

Uh-oh. Mira's responses are always like, sorry, not in my room. Whoops, fell asleep. Could Mira just explain why she wants to keep the hot plate? Yes, but the thing is, Mira's 23. She's conflict-avoidant, and she's just as stubborn as Josie. Yes, and she's the star. And she's the star. One day, Josie gets tired of the runaround, and Tim, the AV guy, gives her a two-day warning. He knows Mira also has a hot plate.

Uh-oh. He also knows Mira likes drugs. Yeah. And he doesn't particularly care whose hot plate he gets. He texts Josie like, listen.

I can just trade with Mira. Uh-oh. Josie obviously doesn't want that. Yeah. And she can't explain to Mira why she wants the hot plate so bad because then Mira will get the Xanax. And remember, Josie's been dealing with a bunch of 20-year-old theater kids for almost a year now on a tin can of recycled air. She is so fucking tired of hearing about kinky boots, of managing egos that have been inflated by the praise of rich and drunk cruise ship passengers. She is tired of arriving at a new place

port and hearing the loud, loud horns announcing the boat has arrived. Our girl needs a break so she doesn't lose it. So finally one day Josie just goes to Mira's room. Mira's leaving for lunch. Josie asks for her hot plate back again. And Mira's adamant that it's hers.

Do you remember exactly what Josie told Mira about the hot plate? If it was a loan or gift situation? Ooh, no. I can barely remember if it was like a trade or if it was a gift. My instinct is that with someone like Mira, it doesn't matter. And like,

But kind of in all situations like this, like everyone's memory isn't like your memory isn't a video recorder. You can't like be like run the fucking tapes back. Like this isn't reality television. So like you have to kind of go off what each person remembers, which means you're going to have a different version of events. Well, luckily, they do have some receipts, a.k.a. text. Ooh. So the two of them pull up their phones. Remember, it's been eight months.

Apple hasn't introduced the search function for text messages yet. So it's just a lot of scrolling and tense silence. You're scrolling past a lot of messages that are like, gonna be five minutes late. Where's my hot plate? So they're scrolling. It's silent. It's tense. But then finally, they find the text. The exact text read, surprise, I've got a hot plate to give you.

So Josie clearly used the word give. And the thing is, now Josie is really pissed because she's also embarrassed. Yeah. And she's also looking at that fucking Angel of Music decal on Mira's door. And something inside her just snaps.

And she starts to squeeze by like she's going to go into Mira's cabin and Mira blocks the door and is like, what the fuck? Yeah. She's like, I'm late for lunch. We can talk about this later. But it is my hot plate.

Mira shuts the door, walks away, leaving Josie standing there, looking at the angel of music. Oh, no. And at this point, Josie actually doesn't care that much about the Xanax. Like, it'd be nice to have, but her need to be right is driving her insane, along with 10 months of repressed irritation. It's giving...

like Betty Davis and Joan Crawford. Yeah, no, it is that kind of like stubborn, you know, two bulls running at each other problem. And like,

I don't know. I saw this coming. I saw it coming. You can't be reasonable if both of you are stubborn. You're in trouble. Have you ever been in a situation like this where it's not actually about like the hot plate at hand, but about just like something bigger? It's just all building towards something and you start hyper focusing on something. Yeah, I have a little sister.

It's like the entire process of having a sister is being like, well, actually, I stole these jeans because of, you know, something you said to me eight years ago that has haunted me in my sleep. And I hope it makes you cry. Right? Like, that's...

Exactly. And at this point, Josie is basically like, call me fucking Ishmael. Like, she is possessed by the need to get the hot plate. She is contemplating a heist. She's gonna Ocean's Eleven this hot plate. She's creating a plan. She is scheming. She's like Temdia Blueprints of the ship. Right? Exactly. Exactly.

But in the middle of her scheming, Josie gets called into the office of the ship's captains. No. And because the ship is so big, there are five of them. Five captains? Mm-hmm. One of them is known by the staff as Captain Jack Morgan Sparrow because no one's ever seen him sober. Okay. Okay, triangle of sadness. It's Captain Jack Morgan Sparrow who tells Josie, hey...

The drinks we're going to be serving at tonight's performance will be doubles. People are going to be rowdy. It needs to be a good show. Josie's like, okay, first of all, it's always a good show. Fuck yeah. Second of all, what's going on? And Captain Jack Morgan Sparrow is like, it's none of your business. Oh, absolutely not. It's none of my business. You brought me in here. You're going to give me a drunk, rowdy crowd. You made it my business. You could have just served doubles and not told me.

Josie rolls her eyes. She's used to this. She does some recon of her own before the dinnertime show and finds out from some of the navigational crew that the ship is heading into some strong Arctic wind. No, no, no. I just remembered that you said the word Titanic twice at the top of this episode and now I'm filled with terror.

Okay, so Josie's experienced this before, so she's not that worried. Kelsey, are you worried? I'm so stressed. I'm, like, super stressed. Literally the only thing I can think of that's positive here is that probably you die pretty fast because, like, the water is deep and cold. Yeah.

Um, that's no, absolutely not. I also am like you have a bunch of like professional doctors, like people with a lot of money on this ship. So like they are not going to behave well in an emergency. No, they don't take instruction well. Oh, no.

And the thing is, every single year, a bunch of passengers get on board and they ask if there's a chance of a Titanic event happening. And Josie has to be like, no, the Titanic happened because of a series of human errors, not the ship being bad. Also, it's been 100 years. Get a new reference. Yes. These questions only intensify when there's Arctic wind. So Josie actually doesn't mind everyone being drunk at the show. In fact, it makes her life easier and the tips are better. Okay.

And the thing is, that night show actually goes fine. Like, the storm's not as bad as expected. It's like a little rocky, but everyone's too drunk to notice. It's like when the pilot of the airplane is like, there'll be turbulence, and then it's like just a little bit. And you're like, oh, nice. Again, everyone's too drunk to notice, but not Josie, who's painfully sober, and who is noticing that Mira is acting really fucking squirrely. Oh, my God.

She's keeping her room key in her bra. She's whispering with her little 20-something friends. Her solos are longer than ever. Oh my God. Josie's had enough. Get this Mariah Carey wannabe off the fucking stage. It's giving glitter. It's giving glitter.

So the next day, the storm dies down. And around noon, there's an announcement over the intercom. They've reached the Antarctica passport point. What? This is where passengers get off the ship to get their passport stamped to show they've been to Antarctica, which is a big reason why people go on these cruises. There are some really cute science buildings. I do support scientific research in Antarctica, but that's it. There are also penguins. Okay. Okay.

Okay. All of the passengers get off the ship to go look around. And a lot of the crew does too, because this is the last Arctic disembarkment of the contract. Oh, okay. A lot of the performers who usually just skip this are like, it's my last time to do this. I should do this. It's like seeing the Eiffel Tower on your last day in Paris. You're just like, let me do this thing. Let me just...

Just say goodbye to the penguins. Exactly. Josie's been there, done that. She spots Mira leaving with her huge Canada goose jacket. Oh my God. And she's like, heist time, baby. Oh my God. If you were to try to pull off a heist at high sea, how would you do it?

Okay, so the boat is docked. Yes. Most of the crew is off the ship because they are on a journey to get their passports stamped to see penguins. Yes. And I need to get into Mira's room. Mira's key is in her bra, so I can't pickpocket it from her unless I'm willing to do some truly deranged things.

And you're her boss. And I'm her boss. Yeah, that's important. I forgot that. Other people have room keys in general. I assume janitors...

Mm-hmm. Would have, like, some kind of universal key. And janitors, it feels like at this point you might be friends with one. So you could maybe just gab it up and lift those keys. I think that is my move. I'm stealing someone's keys. That's a good plan. Josie also has a plan. Okay. And she knows Mira's been really anal about keeping her keys on her person. But she also knows Mira's roommate. Oh, ho-ho! And the thing about Mira's roommate is that they're really sweet, but they're a little forgetful.

They're always leaving their keys in random spots. Like one time they were found in the staff fridge. What? But what that means is that this roommate has learned to keep a spare key hidden in the crew mess hall. Aha!

So all Josie has to do is find it. She's rifling through drawers, opening cabinets, looking out windows to see how long she has. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. When she hears yelling. Oh, no. Josie runs out onto one of the decks to see what's going on and sees some of the crew running off the ship. Uh, no, no, no. She thinks, that's not good. Yeah, yes.

Turns out a massive Arctic wind is heading towards them. Now, again, Josie's experience. She's seen this shit, but she hasn't seen this particular shit. They've never had to bring the guests back on board. Oh, no. So Josie immediately forgets her heist. She might be experiencing hot plate derangement, but she is a professional. Right. And also, I imagine you do not want to be outside for Arctic wind. Correct. Correct.

That seems awful. Yes. So she starts helping direct passengers back onto the boat. She's keeping calm, but internally she's freaking out a bit. Yeah. And for good reason, because as soon as they manage to get all the passengers back onto the boat, they're hit by the strongest Arctic wind Josie has ever experienced.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. The ship is rocking. Remember, it's six levels. Imagine a six-story building being knocked around by gale force winds. No. The wind is bringing ice and snow. It just keeps going and going. It's been blowing for over 15 minutes. Oh, my God.

When Captain Jack Morgan Sparrow makes an announcement over the intercom. No. And this is when Josie starts getting really scared. Because for the first time since Josie met him, Captain Jack Morgan Sparrow sounds sober. Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

He announces that the special insulated engine had to go into overdrive to keep the ship in place while they're being blown around. Oh, Jesus. Because it's such a special state-of-the-art anti-Arctic insulated engine, it completely overheated and had to be shut down before it caught on fire and exploded the ship. Oh, perfect. Great. You know what? I think it's time to deboard.

Um, the scientists seem like they probably have a nice little house that is not on the water. Um, and I'm going to be going there and I'm going to be saying, hello, thank you so much for your service to the national sciences. Um, please, can I come in? So the crew manages to shut down the engine before it explodes. So the exploding cruise ship crisis averted. Oh my God.

No! Oh my god.

Josie makes her way up. She's climbing the last flight of stairs when she hears something other than the panic chatter of the guests who are, of course, talking about the fucking Titanic. Yes, obviously. The entire crew is freaking out while also saying it's not the fucking Titanic. As Josie finally makes it up to the top deck, she hears music? No. Specifically singing? Oh.

It's a little pitchy, which can mean only one thing. Mira, on the top level of the ship, Mira is holding a one-woman show. She is the star of Iceberg the Musical. We'll go down with this ship. My heart will go on. Oh my god. Just absolutely belting. What do you do? Well, death is imminent, so...

Mira is no longer my problem. The doctors are no longer my problem. I'm going to wherever Captain Jack Sparrow is because I believe that he probably has a separate lifeboat for him. Yeah. And I'll be there. I'm not I'm not doing any of this shit. Yeah. Yeah. The entire crew was trying to get her to shut the fuck up. The guests are really confused and scared. Yeah.

Mirror has this, like, beatific expression of Mother Teresa as she transitions into nearer my God to thee. Oh, my God. It is so clear that she thinks she's saving the day. And Josie is just silently promising herself that she is never going on another fucking cruise ever again. Uh-huh. Just then, the ship makes contact with the iceberg. No! No! Everyone screams.

Yes. Mira actually stops singing for a moment. Okay, okay. Josie's looking at the ice flows around them, trying to figure out which one of them looks the most stable. Oh my god. Just in case. Absolutely not. But then, the engine turns back on. Oh.

The captains manage to swerve away from the iceberg. Everyone's cheering as it gets further away. Mira opens her mouth to begin singing again and Josie briefly considers tackling her. But luckily they're interrupted. Over the intercom, Captain Jack Morgansparrow announces that while they avoided a full collision with the iceberg, the engine was damaged from nearly overheating and needs to be serviced.

Perfect. Perfect. This is like when you're on a plane and you pull up from the gate and then they're like, I'm so sorry, y'all. We're going to have to go back to the gate. It's like, no, no, no. Just take off. We're almost at the end of the story. How are you feeling? Whose side are you on? My body hurts. I feel really stressed. Everyone is a nightmare on this ship, including the ship.

I guess I'm on Tim's side. He doesn't seem to have done anything wrong. And he seems really good at smuggling stuff, which to me is a benefit in a person. I don't think I can be on Mira or Josie's side at this point because I'm like, you're both making me crazy. That's really fair. Yeah.

The ship manages to make it back to Santiago without any extra shit happening, and the engine is serviced. Oh my god! The company doesn't even refund any of the passengers. Instead, they get comped a few extra days in Santiago. Having had a near-death experience, Josie no longer feels like beefing with a 23-year-old. Instead, she goes to Tim and says, here's some money. Buy me Xanax in Santiago. Nice! Nice!

She makes it back stateside, safely sedated. And Mira never asked her why she stopped asking for the hot plate, because Mira's been distracted. Oh, no. Among the many doctors on this cruise was the owner of a cabaret in Topeka.

Who loved Mira's performance. Oh my God. And wants to build a Titanic themed show around her. Oh my God. Josie's sufficiently zanned out that she's happy for Mira. I'm so happy for her. Josie has also recognized that she was perhaps driven a little mad by eight years at sea. Yeah. The hot plate became her white whale. Aww.

My final update for you is that Josie actually followed through this time and does not renew her cruise contract. Wow.

After a few months on land, she accepts a job at Disney World and never gets on a cruise ever again. Wow. I'm so happy for her. You know what? Actually, everyone kind of got what they wanted in this story. Tim got money. Josie stops being on a cruise, which is hell, and entered a different kind of cruise, which is Disney World. And Mira gets to be the star. Exactly. She will be the biggest star in Topeka. I believe in her. Exactly.

Same. That's the story. Kelsey, that's the gossip. How do you feel? I feel great. I'm so proud of you. This was so good. I loved it. Very, very stressful inside my body. I will not be getting on a cruise anytime soon. This podcast was hosted by Rachel Hampson. It was produced by Sierra Spragley-Rix, Alexi John-Lachlan, and Jay Tolvieras.

The co-creators and dowager queens of Normal Gossip are Alex Sujong-Loughlin and Kelsey McKay. Justin Ellis is Defector's Projects Editor. Jasper Wang and Sean Kuhn are Defector's Business Guides.

Alex Sujan-Lachlan is Defector's supervising producer. Tom Blais is our editor-in-chief. Abigail Siegel is our intern. Dan McQuaid runs our merch store, which you can find at normalgossip.store. Tara Jacoby designed our show art. Thank you to Brandi Jensen, Sabrina Imbler, Dave McKenna, Chris Thompson, and

Heather Chin, Ray Rado, David Roth, Catherine Xu, Jasper Wang, Israel Daramola, and Patrick Redford for all of your help on this season. And thank you to the rest of the Defector staff. Defector Media is a collectively owned subscriber-based media company, and Normal Gossip is a proud member of Radiotopia. I'm Kelsey McKinney, and remember, you did not hear this from me. Radiotopia. From PRX.