Deep Dive
Shownotes Transcript
Our happy and very special moment in this year's parade, the return of Gorgeous Gobbler. Last year, old Gorgeous was grounded. He's back this year, strutting proud and sassy down Broadway.
When he's not blown up, Gorgeous Gobbler weighs over 300 pounds. And if he were edible and could be sliced up for Thanksgiving Day dinners, somebody figured out he could make about 5,200 dinners. Save the drumstick for me.
Well, hello, hackaroos, and hello there, Pilgrim Axelrod. Hey, brother. Happy Thanksgiving to you. Happy Thanksgiving to you, my friend. As the listeners have probably figured out, this is our Thanksgiving Spectacular non-episode episode. We're all taking the week off here, but we didn't want to forget our listeners and take a moment to thank them as we give thanks for so much this year. Absolutely, and we're also showing our appreciation to our listeners
out there who we would have normally skewered this week, and we are giving them the week off to enjoy time with their families as well. But we'll get back to it next week. Yeah, we're sharpening our fangs. So look out, look out. You get one week off and then back to the swamp. Yeah, but to our listeners, thank you so much for...
it's great to move around and hear people who listen to the pod. We started it sort of on a lark a few years ago because Murphy and I would have these conversations. And finally we said, well,
Gee, maybe other people would be interested in this. And it was a bet that we didn't know would land, but it did. And you guys, it's so fun to talk to you out there and hear you react to what we're doing. And Mike, I would not have wanted to do this with anybody but you. You tolerate Mike.
horrible puns. I tolerate your 60s Borscht Belt humor. Indeed, pal. What people don't know is we have been friends for a very long, dare I say decades, going way back to the, I guess we just have to... Decades would be charitable. Half century, yeah. Generations may be more apt.
So we've been having these chats forever. And when you came up with the idea, why don't we add a microphone to it? As you said, people might be interested in listening. I thought this is a great way to hustle some 1-800 vitamins, make a little side cash. So two great minds came together and it has been wonderful. We have done millions of downloads, by the way. I just looked it up the other day, which stuns me. People are in for that much pain, but we're very grateful to you and to Robert Gibbs.
Third member, the Troika, who helps us out as well. Absolutely. Gibbs is great and insightful and fun. Yeah, no, listen, I knew when I paired up with you, my first thought was not just that you're
a great pal and conversationalist with brilliant insights into politics. But I said, I got to team up with an Irishman because he must have a lot of relatives. We'll get a lot of downloads out of the deal. And at least 200 new voters in Cook County. Oh, old callback. I might retire that routine next year. It's just so hard.
Yes, I know. Well, listen, at some point you've got to bring back Secretary Raimondo. She was a great theme through the second season or whatever it was. The flame is still burning bright. I think she ought to be president of the United States. By the way, our crack producer, Hannah, just put in our little, we have a little chat function when we do this.
and she can send us messages like, no, you got that wrong, idiot. Well, it's over, get this, over 13 million downloads since we began this thing. So that's something to be thankful for. Thank you to the Murphy family, yes. That's only 2 million. And speaking of Hannah, we want to thank our producer, Hannah McDonald, who is indispensable, without whom we could never do this podcast, and Jeff Fox, our trusty engineer who takes what
is a traffic accident and turns it into a listenable show every, uh, every weekend. We're really grateful to him and Sarah Lena Berry, my, uh, trustee right hand. We're, we're, we're grateful to all of you, uh, for your help and wish you all a thanks. Happy Thanksgiving as we are very grateful for you.
Same thing over here to Corelli Moreno and Katie Bingle and all the other people who prompt me up like the turtle on the fence post. And also. Which is a job. It's a task. Let's admit it. No, no. They need them. Yes. Yeah. Quite a, quite a, uh, block and tackle to pull that off. And finally to the folks at audio boom, which is our podcasting network across the pond and here in the U S and thank you to everything they do to help us. And, uh,
pull this thing together. So finally, I've got a scoot for Thanksgiving work. I know you've got stuff to do, but in this time of thankfulness, keep in mind there are a lot of people who wish they had a little more to be thankful for. So I encourage everybody, find your local food bank and make a generous donation. Nobody should be hungry in the holiday season.
You know, Mike, just on this point, I was thinking as we were getting ready for this podcast, when I was nine or 10 years old, I went down to visit a cousin of mine in Washington, D.C., and I went out shopping. This was before Thanksgiving, went out shopping with her and my mom for Christmas.
Thanksgiving. And I remember a guy walked in who was clearly down on his luck, probably homeless, went over to the cold cuts counter, picked up some turkey, packaged turkey, looked at the price, put it down and walked out.
And I've never, ever forgotten that. No one should go hungry in this country or anywhere, and no one should go hungry not just on Thanksgiving, but on any day. So please, the best way to mark this holiday would be to send a few bucks to your local food bank or to Feeding America website.
I send money to the Chicago Food Depository that does great work. But there are places all over the country that are trying to feed the hungry, and God bless them. And, Mike, you have other causes you want to mention. Well, I wouldn't mind plugging one of the great charities. You're too modest to do it, but Citizens United for Research Against Epilepsy, CURE, which you and your amazing wife, how you tricked her, I'll never know, Susan,
co-founded and it is a leading organization in that vital vital space thank you that's cureepilepsy.org so yes we started this because of my daughter's
lifelong battle with epilepsy. And this organization is doing cutting edge research all over the world that no one, no other organization has been there to support and supporting a lot of young investigators around the world. So please cureepilepsy.org slash donate, Hannah says, if you want to cut right to the chase there. But I so appreciate you mentioning that, Mike. And I'm
I'm seriously grateful to you for your friendship, brother. And I wish you and your family a happy Thanksgiving. And I look forward to seeing you on the other side. Oh, pal, right back at you. It's been a wonderful friendship. Great fun on the podcasting as we navigate American politics. So I love you, man. And I love you out there, Gibbs, who you better damn well be listening. There's a quiz. And thank you again, listeners. Have a great holiday season. Happy Thanksgiving. We will see you next week.
The Grape Nuts and Grape Nuts Flakes program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Dennis Day, Rochester, and yours truly, Don Wilson. For over 40 years, the favorite that spells Grape Nuts.
Yes, sir, back in the days when Sweet Rosie O'Grady was a favorite at the family harmonium, delicious, malty-rich grape nuts were a favorite at the family breakfast table. And they still are, and there's a reason. Grape nuts have a distinctive sweet-as-a-nut flavor that makes for real eating fun in the morning. A flavor that's a luscious two-grain blend of sun-ripened wheat and malted barley. And today you can enjoy that one delicious flavor in two delicious forms.
Grape nuts, crisp, crunchy kernels, and grape nuts flakes, delicate, toasty brown flakes. And both grape nuts and grape nuts flakes bring you essential whole grain nourishment, which makes them basic seven foods, one type of food Uncle Sam wants you to eat more of, because they're nourishing, plentiful, not rationed. So treat your family to malty rich grape nuts or grape nuts flakes in the morning every morning. It's a mighty swell way to start off. ♪♪
Ladies and gentlemen, it's four days before Thanksgiving, and this year, as every year, Jack Benny will entertain his friends on the holiday. So yesterday, Jack and Mary went shopping, and we picked them up now in a local market.
Well, folks, what'll it be? I'm giving a Thanksgiving dinner, and I'd like enough turkey for, uh... Let's see. There's me, Mary, Phil, Alice, Dennis, Mr. Billingsley, Mark Hellinger, the Warner brothers, and my laundry man. I'd like enough turkey for nine. Jack, didn't you invite Don Wilson? Oh, yes. Make that enough for 15. LAUGHTER
Is that, uh, that'll do it. Oh, Jack, Don doesn't eat so much. He doesn't, eh? Remember last time I threw a big party? Yeah. Well, Don ate more than he chipped in for. Don't, uh, tell me. Look, folks, there are other people waiting, so let's get on with the transaction. Oh, yes, yes, of course. Now, here's a nice turkey, all dressed and everything. Fifty-five cents. Well, I fully expected to pay that much. Ha, ha, ha.
A pound. Yes, a pound? Hmm. That's right. And this turkey weighs 21 pounds. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. And you'll need at least 21 pounds to feed 15 people. Hmm. 55 cents a pound. That's a pretty big turkey, and I don't want any left over. How about that one over there? That's a pigeon. Oh.
Oh, oh, oh, oh. Well, then I'll take that other one, that live one right there. I'm sorry, I'm not selling my canary. A canary? Well, anyway, that wouldn't be enough for 15 people, would it? Not unless you just want it to entertain. He's got his violin for that. Yeah. Gee, Mary, look at those turkeys laying there so cold and still.
Just think, a few days ago they were happy, carefree, and gay And now, now they're 55 cents a pound I mean, now they're dead Say, butcher, how old were these turkeys when they were killed? Oh, about eight months Hmm, didn't even have a chance to know life I feel terrible You'd feel a lot worse if they were 70 cents a pound I suppose so
But, Mary, when I see that turkey laying there like that, I can't help but think of its mother. How lonesome she must be. Don't worry, bud. That's her right next to him. Oh. I wish you'd hurry, mister. I've got all these people waiting. Pardon me. Oh, Tommy, will you please give me a little service? Oh, it's Mrs. Greenberg. What can I do for you, Suzette?
Go ahead, butcher. You can wait on her. I'm trying to make up my mind between these two turkeys. I'll lay eight to five on the pigeon. Never mind.
Tell me, Tommy, how much weighs by you the turkey is? They weigh from 18 to 22 pounds. 22 pounds. You call this a turkey? Well, that's the average size. Listen, Tommy, last Thanksgiving I had a turkey that weighed 86 pounds. I weighed them myself. 86 pounds? Yes. And on the other side of the card it said you will meet a tall, dark man. 86 pounds.
My, that must have been a humdinger. I'm not talking to you. Oh, pardon me. Mrs. Greenberg, how about taking two of these turkeys? How much are they? Fifty-five cents a pound. I'm not asking you. Oh. Oh, excuse me. All right, Tommy. Give me this one here, and I'll pick it up later. Goodbye. Goodbye, Mrs. Greenberg. Goodbye. All right, goodbye. Social climber.
What's she mad at? Well, Jack, I guess that'll teach you to mind your own... I'm not talking to you. Say, Butcher, Butcher, I've been thinking it over. Instead of taking one of these dressed turkeys, I'll buy a live one. How much is it? Eight dollars. Are you going to take it with you? Yes. That'll be 20 cents extra for the leech.
Oh, I often wondered how they got them home. Now let's see, what else do I want? Oh yes, for dinner tonight. Say, butcher, have you got a nice, thick, juicy, T-bone steak? What was that? I said a nice T-bone steak. Well, who's next?
Listen, butcher, you don't have to go into convulsions. Just because I... All right, folks, get your tickets here for the 40-cent tour through the refrigerator. Come on, come on. Hurry, hurry, hurry. 40-cent tour through the refrigerator? Yes, sir. It used to be 45, but the old PA put a ceiling on it. Very funny. Oh, thank you, sir. Now, hurry, hurry, hurry.
On this outstanding excursion, you will see rib steaks, rump steaks, hip steaks, pea bones, sirloin, tenderloin, and porterhouse. The seven wonders of the world. Come on, Jack. Let's take the tour. Oh, don't be silly, Mary. You've seen steaks before. I showed you some last night when you came over to my house. Oh, you and your etchings.
They weren't etchings. All right, folks, all of you going on this tour, please form a line to the left. Oh, come on, Jack, be a sport. Buy two tickets. All right, all right. Okay, folks, line up in front of this refrigerator door. Now, quiet, everybody. Yeah, who is it? It's okay, Joe, you can open up. Hmm. Hmm.
Gosh, it's chilly in this refrigerator. Yeah, it sure is. And now, ladies and gentlemen, if you will look to the right, you will see one of our feature attractions, none other than a seven-rib roast. Wow. Oh.
Gee, Mary, it is beautiful. I wonder if I could just... Ah, ah, ah, don't linger with your finger. I just wanted to see if it was tender. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, a seven rib roast. Not five, not six, but seven. I'll count them for you. One, two, three, four, five. Hmm. One, two, three, four, five. Uh-oh. Hey, Joe, lock the doors. Okay. Hey, Eddie, bolt the windows. Okay. Hey, Tom, sound the alarm.
Okay, hey, son! All right, stop with that. Nobody stole anything. Come on, Mary, let's pick up our turkey and go home. ♪♪
Well, we're almost home, Mary Yeah Isn't she cute? Say, Mary, do you think it's all right to take the turkey in the house? Why not? She's going to be your guest for Thanksgiving What? She can sit between the cranberry sauce and the mashed potatoes Oh, stop Look, Jack, here comes your crazy boarder, Mr. Billingsley Mary, he's not crazy, he's just a little eccentric, that's all Now be nice to him, his rent's due tomorrow
Hello, Mr. Billingsley. Hello, folks. Out for a stroll, I see. Well, we're, uh, we're not exactly taking a stroll. Why? Why, Mr. Penny, I didn't know you had a little one.
Uh, Mr. Benny's little one happens to be a turkey. You may be surprised, but I'm not. Look, Mr. Billingsley, I'm trying to tell you that we bought this at a store. Oh, come now, Mr. Benny, I'm old enough. Oh, oh, brother. Look, look, Mr. Billingsley, we're in a hurry. So am I. I have to go to the barber shop. Or was I there? Isn't that funny? I don't know whether I'm coming or going. Well, you can say that again.
Oh, can I? All right. I don't know whether I'm coming or not. Hmm. Well, I must run along now. Goodbye, Mr. Benny. Goodbye. I believe you would, you rascal. Well, well, that I know isn't in there. Well, well, let's go, Mary.
You know, Jack, I don't see how you can stand having a guy like that around the house. Mr. Billingsley, oh, he's all right. He gets his own meals, makes his own bed. And every morning he gets up at 6 o'clock and takes my dog for a walk. But, Jack, you haven't got a dog. Well, for heaven's sake, don't tell Billingsley. It'll break his heart. Well, here we are. Come on, Mary, we'll put the turkey in the kitchen. Oh, hello, Rochester. Hello, boss. Hello, Miss Limston. Well, and hello, you.
Now, let's see. Where can we put the turkey? Rochester, what are you doing to that turkey? I'm only petting her, boss. Petting her? You got your fingers around her neck. What are you worried about? I ain't hurting the part you get. The way some people treat turkeys. Come here, you poor thing. There.
There. See how she looks at me with those trusting eyes? Gee, how can anyone kill it? Oh, Jack, don't be a hypocrite. I'm not a hypocrite. I just can't bear the thought of anyone killing a poor defenseless turkey. Go on. Last year, you killed one yourself. Mary, I ran over that turkey with my car. It was an accident. Accident? You turned off the road and chased her halfway up a mountain. Oh, for... If she hadn't stopped to lay an egg, she'd have lived to hatch it.
What are you talking about? You're right, Miss Limson. Then he put the car in reverse and got two more birds. What? No, I was the tail gunner. Rochester. That's the first time I ever had white meat with firestone written on it. Now cut that out and let's drop the whole thing. I'll get her, Rochester. There's somebody at the door. You go out and feed the turkey. Oh, hello, Dennis. Hello, Mr. Benny.
What are you doing around this way, kid? I came to see you about something important. Oh, yeah? What is it? Well, well, it's about me. All right, Dennis. All right, what is it? Well... Well, what? Well, my mother told me to tell you, well... Your mother told you to tell me what? Well, you've been giving me the same salary for three years, and every year you promise me a raise, and my mother thinks I ought to get one, and I do, too, so there! Thank you.
Dennis! Dennis, come back here! Where'd he go? He thought he ran outside, but he went into the closet. What a kid. Dennis, come here! Gee, it's crowded out there. Those are my suits. Now, Dennis, if you want a raise in salary, don't act so flustered. Just ask me like a man. What are you afraid of? Just come over to me and say, Mr. Benny, I'd like a raise in salary. Well, Dennis, I'd like to give you a raise, kid, but right now I can't afford it. Yeah.
Huh? I'm sorry. Things are a little tough now. But fuck up, kid. Stick to me and you'll go places. Dennis! Dennis, where'd you learn that? Mr. Benny put it on a record and sent it to me for my birthday. Dennis, we'll talk about your salary right after Thanksgiving. It wasn't even my birthday. Never mind.
By the way, kid, what are you going to sing on the program tomorrow? Say a prayer for the boys over there. Well, let me hear it. Gee, maybe I ought to give them a raise. It costs money to make those records, you know. Say a prayer for the boys over there When they play the star-spangled banner
Picture them by the dawn's early light, and ask the Lord to watch over them each night.
Lift your eyes as you silently rise when they play the star-spangled banner as the song of freedom fills the air.
over there over there over there say a prayer for the boys over there over there over there say a prayer for the boys over there
Lift your eyes as you silently rise when they play the Star Spangled Banner as a song of freedom fills the air of prayer.
Dennis, Dennis, that song is swell Run over it once more before the broadcast tomorrow Okay, but what should I tell my mother about my raise and salary? Just tell her you asked, she'll know the rest Dennis, tell your mother we'll talk about it later Okay, goodbye, Miss Livingston Goodbye, Dennis Goodbye, kid Dennis, that's the closet Oh Here's the front door
There. Gee, Mr. Benny, no wonder you're the star. Yes, Dennis. I've been a big hit for years just opening doors. Goodbye, kid. I wonder when he'll grow up. Well, Jack, I think I'll go home, too. I have to clean up the house. Clean up your house? You've got a maid. I know, but I don't want to lose her. Oh, yes. Good night, Mary. Good night. Oh, Rochester. Yes, sir.
I'm ready to go upstairs to bed. I'm tired, boss. Would you mind walking up tonight? Okay, but don't let it happen too often. Rochester, what did you do with the turkey? Did you put her where she won't be cold? Yes, sir, it was. Good. I put it in the oven. The oven? What'd you put her there for? I don't want her to get stage fright on Thanksgiving. Well, take her out of there and put her on the back porch. Okay, sir.
Bad enough that we have to kill her in a few days. At least we can do her, see that she's comfortable. Gee, I hate to think of killing that poor old turkey. Oh, boy, am I tired. You sound tired I can't even hang up my clothes. Oh, well. Hmm. I'm not so fat. Oh, well.
It'll feel good to get these shoes off. Oh, darn it. I always forget. Thanksgiving's here again. Years roll on for everybody but the turkeys. Oh.
Hello? Hello, my fine feathered friend. Say, you're nice and plump, aren't you? Who, me? Yes, you. You're going to make somebody happy on Thanksgiving. What? And you'll bring me a nice price on the market. Fifty-five cents a pound. What?
What am I doing here in this coop? I'm not a turkey. I gotta get out of here. Let me out of here. Let me out of this coop. Oh, I'm not in a coop. I'm in my own house. Oh, Rochester. Rochester. What are you doing in here, turkey? I thought I put you out on the back porch. Turkey? Rochester, I'm not a turkey. And stop staring at me like that. Come here, turkey. Come over here to me. Rochester, put down that knife and fork.
Is that a napkin you're wearing? It ain't a sarong. Rochester, what's the matter with you? Say, Butcher. Hello, Suzanne. How much weighs by you this turkey? Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble. I'm not talking to you.
Oh. Oh, pardon me. All right, folks, get your tickets here for the 40-cent tour through the gravy bowl. Come on, come on, hurry, hurry, hurry. Come on, Jack, let's go. Two tickets, please. You only need one, lady. Turkeys get in free. Now, wait a minute. This is going far enough. I'm not a turkey. I'll prove I'm not. Mrs. Greenberg. I'm not a turkey. Butcher. Butcher, you know I'm not a turkey, don't you? Ha, ha, ha.
What's the matter with you people? Mary, tell him I'm not a turkey. Tell him. For cranberry sauce. Tell him. Of course you're not a turkey. What's the matter with you people? Look at his webbed feet. Well, I've had enough. I'm getting out of here. You're a turkey. You're a turkey. You're a turkey. Who's a turkey? You're a turkey. You're a turkey. You're a turkey. I'm a turkey? Bromacell, sir. Bromacell, sir. Bromacell, sir. Bromacell, sir.
Oh, boy! Train leaving on track 12 for Morocco, Tunisia, Egypt, Arabia... Oh, boy, I'm going to get on that train and get away from all of this. ...and Turkey! What? Well, that did it. I'm going to prove once and for all who I am. Hello, Mr. Benny. You're a little unhappy, I see. Mr. Billingsley. Mr. Billingsley. Yes? Tell me, am I a turkey or Jack Benny? You haven't left yourself much choice, have you? What?
This is the end. I'm not taking any more from anybody.
The next one that tells me I'm a turkey is going to get a punch in the mouth. That's what I'll do. I'll punch him right in the mouth. Hello, Jack. Never mind that Jack stuff. I know what you're thinking, Don Wilson. Go ahead and say it. Just say it. Of course I'll say it. Grape-nuts flakes are toasty brown, toasty brown. Stop stalling, Wilson. You know what I mean. Come on, say it. Don't play around with me, Don Wilson. You came here to tell me one thing. Are you saying it? You say it or I'll punch you right in the mouth. Grape-nuts flakes. Right in the mouth. Grape-nuts flakes. Right in the mouth. Grape-nuts flakes. Right in the mouth. Grape-nuts flakes. Right in the mouth.
Get out of here, everybody. Get out. Get out. Go away. Go away. Boss, wake up. You've been dreaming. Huh? Huh? What? You've been dreaming. Yeah. Oh, my goodness. What a dream I had. What a terrible nightmare. It must have been, boss. Your feathers are all over the floor. My feathers? You tore your pillow apart. Oh. Oh, oh, oh.
Don't you meant for a minute there. Well, I'm all right now, Rochester. Nearly time to get up anyway. Almost. Say, Mr. Benny, what's all that money doing on the floor? Oh, that's some change that dropped out of my shoe. So long, Rochester. So long. So long, boss. What a man. He's got shoes that jingle jangle. Well, folks, tonight I'm going to tell you a so-so story.
You know how you meet a guy on a nice, shiny morning and sing out, "Why, hello, Jim! How are you?" And he says, "Oh, so-so." Well, there's usually a reason for that let-down, so-so mood, and it goes something like this: "So, that guy got up that morning on the run. So then he ate breakfast on the sip and run. So, no wonder he felt below par lately." You can't do a man-sized job on a bird-sized breakfast, you know. In fact, doctors and dieticians tell us that we need at least one quarter of our daily nourishment in the morning.
So start the day well nourished. And for a real treat, feature Toasty Brown Grape Nuts Flakes. Because Grape Nuts Flakes are a whole grain cereal crammed full of sustaining, energy-giving, whole grain nourishment. So you couldn't ask for anything better, could you, than Grape Nuts Flakes. Crisp, toasty brown with that sweet as a nut flavor. Mmm, mmm. Eat a good breakfast.
you'll do a better job. And for a rousing breakfast treat, make it delicious, nutritious, Grape Nuts Flakes. Ladies and gentlemen, I only have a second. I'd like to call your attention to a special USO program which will be broadcast Thanksgiving morning. The program is called Soldiers in Grease Paint. It will include all of your favorite radio and motion picture stars. So please listen. Good night, folks. Ladies, your grocer has something new for you. That's the time-saving, money-saving, big, new, economy-sized package of hot Grape Nuts Sweet Meal.
Thirty full ounces of this rich, hot brown cereal that's extra delicious, extra nutritious, and it cooks to perfection in just three minutes. Ask for the big new economy-sized package of Hot Grape Nut Sweet Meal.