‘Under Siege’ With Bill Simmons and Kyle Brandt
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The Rewatchables is brought to you by the Ringer Podcast Network, where every once in a while we bring on Kyle Brandt to talk about a crucial action movie from the 80s and 90s. You can see Kyle Brandt on Good Morning Football on the NFL Network. You can see him on CBS. You're doing playoffs this year. Any pop-ins, pre-games? Oh yeah, we got a long, they call it a one-er. A one-shot, no cuts, like the Copa. We'll have it. All right, well, as a Christmas gift to all of you,

We're going to break down one of the greatest movies of all time. Under Siege is next. A terrorist controls the most dangerous weapons known to man. Bang, you're dead. Wake up the president. But there's one weapon he doesn't control. Steven Seagal. I'm going to be some special forces guy or something. I'm just a crook. Tommy Lee Jones. This is not the work of a crook.

Happy trails. I'll see you in hell, Santa boy! Undersea. Ready to die. Starts Friday, October 9th at a theater near you. All right, Kyle Brandt, we've done some good ones over the years. We've done some Stallone, some Schwarzenegger, some Van Damme, Van Damme, Van Damme. Van Damme. Van Damme, Van Damme. We've done some Wheaton. Yep. And now...

Our second Seagal film. And this is the best one he ever did. I'm just going to read you the Amazon description. A band of ruthless mercenaries plots to hijack a ship and hold the world at ransom. They've thought of everything except the ship's cook, former Navy SEAL, Casey Ryback. And we're off. Yeah.

Yeah! I'm glad we're off too, Bill, because we got to do this snappy today. I got some pies in the oven and I got to make a 50 gallons of boula base. So let's get cracking. We did do Hard to Kill. And Hard to Kill is a stupid, ridiculous movie that we love.

Under Siege is a real movie with a real director, real production value, a real supporting cast. I think it's the best shape that Seagal was ever in physically for a movie. You have these like... And he's still a C- for being in shape. Still a C-. Yeah. It's a gut, but he has at least arms. It's a C-, but it's like an A for him. And like the movie ends...

With one of our greatest actors, a Harvard-educated thespian, having a knife fight with the guy who played Mason Storm. It's nuts, and it's awesome. I wrote down, well, first of all, Seagal's in this movie for 41 minutes total, and the director, Andrew Davis, who had a really nice career, and we'll go through that later, but this ends up with him getting the fugitive where he pulls Tommy Lee Jones back, and he basically admits after, like,

It really wasn't about Seagal for me. I'd already worked with Seagal. I really wanted to work with Tommy Lee Jones. He's unabashed about it. With that said, Seagal's on a heater right now. Yeah. Above the law, hard to kill, marked for death and out for justice. The quadrilogy of three-word titles, which we covered in the last one. And then under siege. He's five for five at this point. I don't even know what football player is he.

See, this is like Earl Campbell. Like, who is this? Just coming out of the gates with all pro seasons. Yeah. I mean, it's that or it's just like it's Mahomes. Like, you had the one year kind of sitting on the bench for Alex Smith. And that was above the law. I was fine. But then you get the field and you're like, damn, this guy just has it. Why didn't we start him from the get-go? And I'm looking at it too, Bill, because this is – you've talked about this for years –

In this year, 92, it's a real interesting year for action stars. And it almost feels like for a second that Seagal has the belt. Because the other heavy hitters, like, I have the breakdown. So Arnold in 91, he does Terminator 2 and owns the world, right? But Arnold takes off for 92, off for 93, and he doesn't come back until 94 with Last Action Hero.

Sly is scraping badly. It's Oscar, which is the worst movie ever made. It's throw mama from the train or stop or my mom will shoot. And then Van Damme is doing some stuff that's just fine, but nothing like this. I feel like for 92, for a hot minute, Seagal was the guy among guys. And it's amazing. It's a great point. I'm looking at my Grantland. I did the action championship belt. Yeah.

And you're right. I gave it to Clint Eastwood for Unforgiven in 92. The senior tour. It was kind of like the George Foreman coming back and winning the heavyweight title again. But I did write, and I didn't even know you were new to this. I wrote, biggest challenger, the Seagal era crested with the delightfully boundless under siege, or as it's better known, die hard on a boat, blah, blah, blah. You can't deny Seagal's 1990 to 92 run. Yeah.

This is as close as he got. And really, like, he probably is telling people that he did have the belt. I don't think he probably took unforgiven seriously. You mentioned the Mahomes piece. Yeah. I would argue that sitting on the bench for the season was when he was like Mike Ovitz's jujitsu instructor or whatever the hell he was before he made movies. Because that was the year he learned the offense and he got everything going. There's so much to love about Seagal in this. I wrote...

First of all, they're trying to make it like he's kind of funny and wisecracking. I don't know. We're in kind of a Seinfeld era right now. Stallone has been trying to do this a few times. I wrote that he's basically like Anthony Bore Van Damme. Anthony Bore Damme. I don't know. That's good. It's a gregarious Segalb, and yet every time he tells a joke, there's no joke. I know.

It's just like if he was on this pod right now and Craig, the producer, came in and he'd be like, hey, Craig, look at this guy. He's on a Zoom. And everybody's just laughing hysterically. It's a cut to 20 people like almost killed over. But he never actually tells a joke. Did you notice that? I did. And I think you're tapping into something that in all of his movies, this is Seagal really trying to be a character.

He's not just a cop who's cleaning up the streets in Brooklyn. He has a backstory. He has a trade. He's a chef. And also, they try really hard in the first 10 minutes of the movie with all the nonsense you're talking about to make it seem like everyone likes Seagal. And it's funny to watch now because you know everyone on the set hates him, including the director and the crew. But they're like, hey, Ryback, show us a move. Let's dance.

dance but he never actually like when he busts people's balls the closest he comes to making a joke is the worst joke ever when he's like we're with you another week right back he's like well i guess i'll get to see you hit puberty and they're like it's really bad he's like birdie mack at the apollo yeah they have he says that and then uh

I wrote basically that first scene when he's cooking for everyone. It's basically the premise for season one of The Bear. It's the guy in the middle of everything who's just this crazy talent. I sent you, there's this scene when Tommy Lee goes over the, when the microwave blows up. Tommy Lee goes over the counter and for a split second, we see this whole menu and there's like 19 things in the menu and it's all these goofy, like these names, names,

that are tied to Casey or Ryback. Number one is Casey's kimchi. There's Kung Pao Chase Casey, senior Ryback's green chili. There's pasta, Rebecca, you know,

they're just doing everything they can to make him a personality, and yet Seagal has no personality. And doesn't it work in the sense that that's exactly what Seagal would do if he was a chef? He'd name every dish after himself. He's not a battleship. Why don't you name it after some of the great admirals and generals or soldiers and characters?

Every recipe is about him. It's again, like George Foreman, who named every one of his sons George, just so they get the same name. Casey, why don't you show respect to some of the great leaders? No, they're all about me. Terrible. There's some of the stuff that he made. First of all, there's El Paso chili. Can't think anything worse on a boat than chili. There's Cajun gumbo and Boston clam chowder.

He's got oysters for some reason. It says pomfos oysters. Um, there's suckling pig from new Guinea and pad Thai. It's like, I don't know what, what kind of shit, how about burgers and fries, Casey? Yeah. Hey, how about chicken fingers? Broccoli enough with the gumbo and the chili and the thing that has self-contained plumbing. We're out at sea, my friends. Yeah. It's a lot. Um, I do think if he had stayed this likable or as likable as he could get, uh,

He's probably the best action movie star of the 90s. It's just like it goes sideways after this because this movie is successful.

It eventually leads to him wanting to do on deadly ground, which is one of the funniest action movies anyone's ever made where he's, he's trying to make social statements because he's Steven Seagal, but then agrees to do under siege too. Yep. If they let him direct on deadly ground, this guy was doing jujitsu with Mike Ovitz like nine years earlier. Now he's going to direct movies and that's when it goes sideways. But I still really appreciate this 90 to 92 run.

I always wonder for people like for for our guy Craig or everybody listening who's younger, like do they listen to this? And they're like Seagal, he's that dipshit clown on the Internet who's fat with a beard. I think we have to remind people. Right. So the Seagal deal, let's just have the disclaimer. Like his reputation at this point is at best highly troubling. And at worst, he's a reprehensible human being.

But in the 90s, I'm telling you, he was different. He talked different. He looked different. He was built different. And it was all these meatheads like Schwarzenegger and Stallone that we love. But like Seagal was very cool and you couldn't take your eyes off him. And it was just it was a thing for like five or six years that I promised was cool before it went dark.

It's kind of like how the Red Sox feel about Red Sox fans about 2004 and Curt Schilling. Like, I swear to God, man, you had to be there. The bloody sock was amazing. Guy was awesome. It was a big enough deal when Seagal, like for this movie, he cut his ponytail. Huge. Because in the military, somehow didn't have to shave his head, but they did have to cut the ponytail. There's a lot of weird haircut stuff in this movie for Seagal.

you know, for the military. You would never know it from half the actors. We have some picking nits on that for sure. But there's two things that he doesn't do in this movie that at this point, Bill, this is his signature. If you go to a Seagal movie, he's gonna have the ponytail and at some point he's gonna snap someone's arm over his shoulder. It's just what he did. And it's like when Van Damme would do the splits. That's why you're there. He doesn't do it. And I feel like it was a little bit like Arnold not saying I'll be back in a movie. Like I've moved past that now.

I'm not going to do the catchphrase. Yeah, he zagged. He didn't zag from this thing, though, Kyle Brandt. Go on. Nobody lands a punch on him the whole movie. Let's go. It's just part of the Seagal thing, I think, was like,

I have to be way more dominant and way more alpha than everybody else. So nobody's even allowed to graze me with a right hook, much less kick me, much less me fall backwards, nothing. Each fight, it's just a 10-7 round. But this is the Seagal trademark. Do you think he went into these movies? He's like, I'm not, just so you know, uh...

I have to win every fight convincingly. And that's it. Even Tommy Lee can't land anything on him. No. And listen, I've felt this way for years. This makes my blood boil. I think it's contractual. I think it is written expressly that Mr. Seagal will not only win every fight, he will not take damage. And it's important to remember the context of

Stallone's fights, he gets the shit kicked out of him by Drago, by the guy. John Lithgow's beating him up in cliffhanger. It doesn't even make sense. Van Damme, destroyed. And then they make the comeback.

Seagal, not only does he not lose, he doesn't take one blow. And Bill, he's usually fighting four people at one time. And it's almost like the only way to fight Seagal is we're going to surround him. And then one at a time only, we're going to have a dead sprint at him. And he's going to just dodge us and break our wrist. It's so stupid. They never just jump him. I hate it. Well, do you think part of it is he figured out that

hand thing he does when he's about to really fight with somebody where he just he puts his hand over each other and does this weird hand tries to lull you to sleep move that people do when they're like in comedies or on tiktok or something where people are doing a parody of a parody of somebody doing karate or kung fu but this was his move for five straight movies

Just deceitfulness with his hands and people were like lulled to sleep by, oh, what's he doing? It's a little like the crane kick, but like he took it to another level, I feel like. - Yeah, it's like the crane kick meets a card trick. Like he's doing that sleight of hand, like you know how they do the stupid thing where like, oh, I can pull my thumb apart. Like he's doing that nonsense for kids.

it, people just buy it. And also like, there's still videos of him in the last five years at some sort of martial arts clinics. And they got guys with 12th degree black belts running at them. And he just drops them left and right effortlessly. And it's all like, is this a, is this a work? What is going on?

There, we talked about this in the last Seagal pod. There's a lot of bad stuff about him working rough with stuntmen and actors. A little like Bill Goldberg in wrestling was famous for just everybody hated wrestling him. He worked way too rough. And Seagal, like multiple people were suing him at some point. There were actors that are still pissed off 25 years later. So not only could you not land a punch on him, he was actually going to punch you for real. Seagal might've been a psycho. Yeah.

He might have been a sociopath. It's unclear. Yeah, no one can land a movie punch on me, but I'm actually going to break your nose, and I'm just going to do it. Listen, there's so many myths about Seagal and the treatment of crew and the treatment of the ladies, which is totally different. You know the greatest one, and I don't, did we get into this on the hard to kill? Doesn't matter. We'll do it again. All right. The myth goes that there's this veteran stunt performer, this guy who's out there doing interviews since he's talked about it. He's on Out for Justice.

And Seagal's popping off during shooting. He's on set and he's saying, any move you put me in, any choke, any submission I can get out of. Who wants to try it? So they all want to try it. This one guy puts him in a choke. Yeah. And the legend goes that he choked him so hard that Seagal shit his pants right there on the set and had to clear out the set. And that's the story. And he tells it to this day that that is real. And I want to believe it.

It's a great story. It would be, it would be incredible if it was true. It's, it's Seagal. Like when he goes into these movies, like Casey Ryback, not Italian, but behaves Italian. Right. He, all of his characters are basically the same character, but you're from Chicago. Yeah. Um,

Like Chicago Italian, like they could, you could see him at Gino's East and they're upset that their pie's five minutes late and they're like, hey, what's going on here? That's kind of his thing, but I don't feel like he's Italian and I'm not sure he's from Chicago. So who influenced him? What's your psychological take on this?

- Well, basically if Seagal was around right now, he would just want to be Tommy DeVito. Like that's the guy he wants to be. - So he would just morph to Jersey. - Yeah, he'd wear the Jersey, he'd do the little gesture and then he'd break your wrist. In Out for Justice, he goes all the way and his character's name is Gino Foligno.

And like then he's in Brooklyn. And that's like, that's even more Italian than Tommy DeVito. So I don't even know what his inspiration is because it's not South Side Chicago. It's not Brooklyn. He's more of a California guy. But then also, Bill, there's always that weird Far East influence on him. So I don't really know where he's like this sort of wannabe mutt. And I don't really know who he actually is. I wonder what state would want to claim him. I feel like Jersey would take him. Hmm.

Why Jersey? I don't know. I feel like Chicago would be maybe interested in talking about an acquisition. Maybe not now. Maybe with not all the stuff that's happening. And what's crazy about this, we just spent 10 minutes talking about Seagal, and I'm not even sure this is a Seagal movie. You're right. I actually think you could make a real case that this is a Tommy Lee Jones movie. And in fact, I'm going to make it right now. I think this is a Tommy Lee Jones movie that Seagal happens to be in. You agree or disagree?

I agree. And it's an interesting thing because the movie under siege, it is all his face on the poster is all Seagal. There's nobody else. And yet he's out for a lot of the movie. Tommy Lee is amazing. And Bill, for me, this was really important because I'd never seen Tommy Lee Jones before this movie. I had no idea who he was. I didn't see any of the projects or movies beforehand. So when I see this in the theater, I'm 13 years old.

And I'm here to see Seagal crack skulls. And meanwhile, this guy who's just on so much blow and a rock star, I thought he was amazing. And he doesn't, it's not that he steals the movie. He just, he takes it from the beginning and it's never stolen back. Yeah, you can't even say it's a steal. It's an ownership thing. It's weird because-

There's this crazy Tommy Lee Jones run that happens right around now. And it starts with JFK at 91. It goes to under siege. It blows up for good in the fugitive. And then he becomes a guy you can put on a poster because in 94, he's in blown, blown away. Then he's in the client. Then he's a natural born killers in the cob. And he just becomes Tommy Lee Jones culminating in Batman and forever. He plays a Harvey two-face, but when you go back to the eighties and I was there, cause I'm old, uh,

I couldn't tell the difference between him and Scott Glenn for like 12 years. I didn't know who was who. Like, I didn't know, was Tommy Lee Jones an urban cowboy or was it Scott Glenn? When Silence of the Lambs, is that Tommy Lee Jones or Scott Glenn? I just didn't know. And then all of a sudden he blew up as Tommy Lee Jones. But I think it was this movie that did it. Well, yeah, because, you know, we got to get into this. What's fun about

about Under Siege, it's the de facto origin story for The Fugitive. It's Andrew Davis who gets the movie because of this. And like the, that guys in this movie are so fun because there's like five people who go on to be in The Fugitive. So Tommy Lee gets the Oscar for The Fugitive and then the rest of his life he's just set under

But as a 13-year-old kid, I saw Tommy Lee Jones. And I think of Tommy Lee, I was like the drummer for Motley Crue. Like, who is this? That's the only Tommy Lee I know who also went on to make successful movies. But I loved him, and I'd never seen him before. I don't know any of that stuff with the Scott Glenn. It wasn't on my radar. Yeah, if you go backwards, so in the 80s, 70s, in the big town with Matt Dillon and Diane Lane, which is an important movie for the Diane Lane fans out there. And I count myself as one of them.

But then TV movie, Stranger on My Land. He's in something called Stormy Monday. He's in April Morning, another TV movie. He's in Gotham, a TV movie. He's in Lonesome Dove, a TV miniseries. Then he's in The Package, which was directed. It's a good Gene Hackman movie directed by Andrew Davis.

Firebirds in 1990. So that's four years of Tom Lee Jones. Like nothing's going on. He's, so when you say like, how did he end up in this movie? He's the most over, maybe other than Lithgow, the most overqualified actor we've had in one of his movies. For him, it was like a job. And he's like, if I kill this, maybe this will lead to other stuff. So it makes more sense when you see the context, but I don't know what took Hollywood so long to discover Tom and Lee Jones. It doesn't make a lot of sense.

To me, he's just always this old guy. Like, I don't know what... I can't picture 25-year-old Tommy Lee Jones. He's always this cantankerous old guy. He's like Gene Hackman. Yeah. Or like Michael Caine or Morgan Freeman. Like, I don't know them in their 20s. They've been the same age my entire life. But like...

I knew Busey. You better believe I knew Busey. The Busey piece of this is big because it's a real awesome tandem of bad guys in this. Yeah, Busey's coming off Point Break, which was a very, very, very important early 90s movie. One of the first ones we did on the rewatch was actually Tommy Lee's off after this because by 97, he's doing Men in Black. In 98, they're doing The Fugitive again as U.S. Marshals with no Harrison Ford.

Which is a complicated movie for the fugitive fans. I kind of like it, but I'm also like super disappointed. Where do you stand on that one? I'm just super disappointed by that movie, but I also like it. Yeah, it's disappointing. I like that Newman, the guy with the ponytail gets killed because I don't like that character. It's also a weird Robert Downey in the middle of all his shit piece is in that movie. And that's nuts. It's a very strange. I've only seen it one time, but it's not really rewatchable.

And then he just keeps going and then it culminates with No Country for Old Men, which was the best movie that he's been in. Oh, yeah. Andrew Davis, really interesting. So he's the director of this, but I didn't even realize how many things that he was involved with before this. What's he got? That I really like, starting with Code of Silence in 1985, which is in the running for best Chuck Norris movie. Ha ha ha.

It's either Chuck, it's either that or Silent Rage, but it's a big Chicago movie. It is. It's like, it's a heart of Chicago. We're in there. We're filming everything there. And he actually pulls out a semi-decent Chuck performance, which is basically impossible because Chuck can't act. Very difficult. Then he does Above the Law. Then he does the package Under Siege. And then it culminates in The Fugitive. And that's, you know, probably in the running for the best action movie of all time.

Nice run for him. There's other stuff going on though. Because, oh, by the way, I forgot to mention Tommy Lee plays a disillusioned former CIA operative. I don't know if there's a better four words for an action movie. Disillusioned. Great. You got me right away. Former solid CIA. Okay. Operative. Jesus. Fantastic. What are you capable of? How much information do you have? Erica Leniak is in this. Let's talk about it.

This was a big thing that she was in this because she was in the real July 9th of 1989 Playboy magazine. Playboy magazine legitimately mattered in the 80s. I know. We'll try to explain that. Craig, do you want to come on for one second here? Yeah, let's do this. Sure. Yeah, because Craig every once in a while is confused by nudity and whatever from the 80s and 90s. Elite gratuitous nudity in this movie. Playboy magazine and the SI swimsuit issue.

Were probably the two most important pieces of media in the 80s related to ladies. So her being a July 1989 Playboy cover person meant that somebody my age actually knew who she was from the magazine. So it starts there. She had a recurring role on Charles in Charge, which was a very important, terrible TV show with Scott Baio and Willie Ames.

And then she was one of the female leads in Baywatch for the first three years, which became kind of, would you say it replaced Playboy magazine, Kyle? Yeah, it certainly took a lot of the steam out. And when she left, then Pamela came in, then it went to the stratosphere. Um, yeah, you would watch it and he got a lot of the same experience.

And there's nothing like that now. There's no version of her that can be in a movie, right? There's no Playboy model that could be in a movie. No. She also was John Stamos' girlfriend in an episode of Full House. Incredible. And then she was in this.

And it's an arc of like really good looking woman that's not afraid maybe to go topless and pops around for five, six years that I don't know how this happens now. I guess like reality TV, maybe I don't even know. And she's not great in this movie, but she's also not bad. She actually kind of fits with Seagal quite nicely. Like they're both the same level of actor and it actually kind of works between the two of them.

Craig, first of all, how dare you? She is great in this movie. She's not bad. She's not bad. That's how I'm characterized. I think it's a terrific performance by Erica. She's working with Seagal, who's the most loathsome person to work with in the 90s. And actually-

Kyle, she seems like she likes him by the end of the movie. I don't know. Maybe she was hypnotized. Listen, the fact that she could be in the same room on a battleship with him and not be vomiting, it makes her Meryl Streep as far as I'm concerned. It's a tough hang. But I think, Craig, what you represent. So last time we did one of these, we did Toy Soldiers.

And I remember Craig was really confused why the bunch of guys are sitting around together listening to phone sex. He's like, what the hell? You guys watch porn together? And Bill and I were trying to explain to you, Craig, it was just different. It was different. So why I bring this up is the topless scene in this movie, it's like five seconds long. It's 1992.

I almost had it for which age the best slash worst because it made me nostalgic. Those scenes were so important to someone who was a 13-year-old kid who had no internet, no phone, no Playboys that he could get his hands on, and no porn. You would rewind it 50 times, and then you would pause the VHS tape just to look at it. And it was so critical to us as teenagers to survive with that stuff. Yeah, it was like discovering...

like gold on the bottom of a river or something like, Oh my God. Like even in college, same thing. Like this was,

She's in this. It's like, ah, I wonder who knows. And then when she hops out of the birthday cake, which is, it is a what's age the worst, but also what's age the best because of that era of using a scene like that as kind of a weapon. And it went away and then Halle Berry tried to bring it back with Swordfish and it just didn't really last. I think the internet's just ruined it, Craig. You make a great point. I'm honestly nostalgic for that time. It's too easy now. I can't imagine what it's going to be like 40 years from now. Like, am I going to be telling my

grandkids about the old days of nudity like I don't even know what my grandkids are going to be watching well she peaked with this movie and then she was in she was Ellie Mae Clampett in the Beverly Hillbillies how long was she in that cake long time it's coming up later I'll get out of here the film was based on an original spec script by J.F. Lawton called Dreadnought hell yeah

one of the worst titles ever which sold for a million dollars and then became a thing shopped around and you know i'm sure when you have a script like dreadnought which is die hard on a ship um you you go to the usual suspects right can we get still known come on let's do it can we get arnold just bruce bruce isn't gonna want to do this bondom maybe no he's he's out um

Should we try Seagal? Sure. Oh, Seagal's interested. Got a meeting with him. Had the meeting go. Ah, it went kind of terrible. Like Seagal's a dick, but it seems like he wants to do it. Well, we'll have another. And then all of a sudden they're making Dreadnought and they changed the name and we're off. This movie got two Oscar nominations for sound. I thought it was for Erica Leniak. No, it was just for sound. This movie had a $35 million budget and made $156.6 million. Wow.

Jesus. I can't believe it only cost $35 to make that movie. Now it would be a $180 million movie. It's nuts. Yeah, you would think with the explosions they had, that was like $20 million right there. Yeah. This movie, at the time, was the most successful film that had not been screened for critics prior to release, which is usually a horrible sign. I wonder why. They had great performances. It's a cool-looking movie. The critics would have liked it. So we have no Ebert review of this or no? Oh, we sure do. I wonder if...

Maybe people were getting a little bored of the diehard on a blank at this point. And I don't even need to go over the diehard on a blank because we've hit it so many times. But this is the height of it. And they're just like, what about a boat? What about a mountain? And they're just trying to do all of it. But I actually do think this is probably the best scenario of a diehard on a blank other than diehard.

I think it's a good take, and I would echo it and say, I think this is the closest representation of Die Hard that all the ones that did it. And quickly, I'll tell you why. The boat is kind of like a skyscraper. It's set up the same way. It's like a skyscraper in the sea. You have this brilliant actor as the villain. You got his blonde-haired heavy as the second who has personal beef with the hero. Yeah.

There's a girl who gets involved towards the end. And it just kind of feels the most like Die Hard in a sense. I think they do a good job. Yeah, I agree with you. Ebert, three stars. Come on! Hell yes! He said, the formula is obvious. Die Hard goes to sea. I walked into the screening in a cynical frame of mind, but then a funny thing happened. The movie started working for me. Raj! Raj!

And then there's a, there's a Cisco neighbor review where they give it to enthusiastic thumbs up. And Cisco says Cisco, who's let's be honest, was kind of a dick to the action genre over the years. He said, it's one of the best times you're going to have at a movie this year under siege. And it became a huge success and was the peak of Seagal. All right, we're going to take a break. Come back with the categories.

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It can be true. It's like the first time you watch one of the great old shows. Maybe you're a little younger than me and you're like, you know what? I'll give The Sopranos a shot. And then you're four episodes in and you're like, oh my God, I can't believe that's this good.

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I'm in for any moment where Seagal, like we discussed earlier, is moving through the ship with all of these people who are hanging on his every word, even though he's not that interesting. Just really makes me laugh. But the redheaded guy comes in and he does the, I guess that means I won't get to see you go through puberty. Yep. People are dying. Like he's doing Eddie Murphy and delirious, like that level of comedy. Um,

He makes fun of the guy at one point. It is the Southern accent. Hey, I don't know what that is. And then he keeps it going for some reason. Then Busey comes in and does the, this smells like a lard omelet spits in his bouillabaisse and Seagal punches Busey. He punches two other guys and he goes, okay, all right. Okay. All right. Okay. All right. It's just, everything's great. It's just a great start.

I don't know what he's doing. Seagal's trying this Cajun deal where he talks like he's from New Orleans. And then the menu you revealed is a lot of Cajun inspired food and boule de baise. They're coming from Hawaii. They're not even close to Louisiana. It doesn't make sense, but it does set the scene. And I like when he punches Busey. The whole thing works. Every time Busey's on screen, I can't take my eyes off him.

Yeah, it's weird. I mean, Busey's obviously nuts because he was becoming a Howard Stern guest within probably eight years of this, but he really did have a nice run as the crazy guy. And then Dennis Hopper, I felt like in Speed, was a little on Busey's corner with that character. That felt like a Busey part where they were like, ah, we can't get Busey again. He's been in too many of these. We'll get Dennis Hopper and tell him to do Busey.

It does, it takes my breath away when he hawks that loogie in that pot. Like that is such a ruthless thing to do to anyone who cooks or anyone who appreciates food. It's a perfect villain move. Yeah. Disgusting. Next one, the big shootout where we have Tommy Lee with a leather jacket, bandana and sunglasses. We Busey and drag for reasons that remain unclear. I don't know if you want to do this now or later, but I still don't know what the whole plan is.

Why Busey had to be in drag with the point of that was like, this guy's one of the most high. He's one of the highest ranking officers in the ship. There's, you know, a whole hierarchy and a respect thing. And I just don't know what the point of that was. It's bizarre. Yeah.

It's very bizarre, and they're just trying to make him seem crazy and fun. But also, back then, people thought it was funny, I guess, for men to dress in drag. It was a classic SNL mechanism for a long time. Totally. You can see Derek Jeter hosted SNL, and they're like, dress him up like a woman. It's funny. It's idiotic. And watching the movie back now,

It's very strange because if you haven't seen it in a while and you're listening, you forgot that Busey comes out dressed like a woman with boobs and all that stuff. Like, it's very strange. For five minutes, he wears it. Probably could have done without that. I think the weirdest part is that a couple of people in the movie, some of the other characters in the ship were like kind of into him. Well, they've been at sea for a long time, I guess. I'm going to say it was weird in 1992.

It was. It was like, what are they doing? Why? Because you do it if he's like the comic relief sidekick guy, but they're also trying to present him as an authority figure. And that was the part I didn't get. Like you would have thought he would have asked some lowly private to do it. Also, here's an idea. You paid money for a stripper who was in the other room. Like, why don't you bring her in? Like, what is she doing at this point? Why is he dressing up? It doesn't make sense. Eric is right there. The only thing I can...

Think is, it's kind of a red herring because then it gets to Tommy Lee asking who's the highest ranking officer in the room, followed by the shot to the head. And then just people start dying left and right, and we're off. So it's a good scene. Not as good as the scene when Seagal escapes. Finally, he's trapped in the locker for a while. Jack Torrance, The Shining style, finally gets out. Couple things I love here. I love...

When our action hero has to hide in the ceiling and then lowers himself down. I don't think it's ever not worked for me. I also think it's kind of, I mean, you're a guy who's,

you know, you're in pretty good shape. You love to live. That's not an easy one to lower yourself down. Very difficult. Yeah. Very difficult. It always works. It always looks cinematic. It always, and then it puts you at the perfect height to kick someone in the face who's standing. It even works in Jurassic park when those kids are running from the Raptors and they go up in there. It always works. It should be in every movie. The firm has probably my favorite version of it. He,

He's sweating on the, on Wilford Brimley and then finally jumps down and hits him. I'm not positive that Seagal that lowers himself down. I don't know either. It's like 50% chance. It's a stunt man. Yeah. I don't know if he had the upper body to pull it off. Also great knife to the neck. Seagal has some good kills in here. Like he has some later on in the movie, he has like the prison, the quick three stabbers that they'll have in prison movies. We're like, Oh, Seagal knows some things.

Never gets punched. Just decisive wins all the way around. We're up. The next one's very short for rewatchable, but it fucking kills me. I mailed it to you. When he goes in, he sees the captain, the guy who's been protecting him. Seagal's on the ship. Basically, we find out later the reasons, but this captain's been protecting him. So he sees the captain. He decides to put the white jacket over him to cover the captain's dead body because Gary Busey's killed him.

And then he's like, what if I take like four or five more seconds here and I'll have a moment as an actor? Just keep rolling, guys. And he does. It's really great. There's supposed to be this real feeling there. And you can tell the director worked hard with Steve there. Like, you know, Steve, this guy meant a lot to you. He brought you on as a personal cook. And like, this is a sense of loss and just really let the audience feel it. And he just sits there and puts the blanket over. You don't feel really much of anything, but he's trying to act really hard then.

It's definitely not the first take either. Might have been take four. Steve, that was great. That was great. Let's just do one more for safety. Let's go again. Yeah, let's just go one more and...

maybe stare off in the distance for one more second. - Remember when we did Hard to Kill and there's the moment where he's having that, he's thinking about like, Senator Trent said a blood bank and I'm gonna solve the puzzle. He's acting his ass off there. You always get one moment for Steve where like, sorry dude, there's no one to punch and no woman to ogle. You just have to be an actor for two seconds. Can you please? - Just look intense. Can you do it? Can you pull it off? Next one, I just wrote down Tommy Lee is cooking.

This is when he's explaining his motives to the people in the war room. He does the, "Welcome to the revolution." Cut to the obligatory, one of the people in the war room going, "He's flipped. He's completely flipped." - The movement is dead. - Yes, of course, hence the name. Movement, it moves a certain distance, then it stops, you see? A revolution gets its name by always coming back around in your face. You tried to kill me, you son of a... So welcome to the revolution.

There's more to follow. I'll stay in touch. He's flipped. He's completely flipped. Inventory, everything on that ship now. You need somebody to flip and then you need somebody to recognize the flipping. So basically what's happening here for people who didn't really understand the plot. Tommy Lee plays Stranix.

Weird name, by the way, Stranix. I don't get it. It makes me also think maybe Schwarzenegger, they're trying to lure him in and be like, so you get to say, here's Stranix. But they're trying to seize control of the ship and the weapons on it.

And what they want to do is obliterate all the tracking systems in Pearl Harbor because it's the 50th anniversary of Pearl Harbor. So it's some sort of weird Pearl Harbor, and then they're going to sell some tomahawks to North Korea. Basically, they're on the ship. They're going to get all this stuff. They're going to blow up Pearl Harbor. That's what's...

trying to happen here but i i how many times did he have to watch this movie to fully understand it like 14 12 it's a lot yeah it's a lot and then his speech is so unintelligible to the people and he does the the topsoil and the uv rays and something about venereal diseases but i will say like this is why you hire tommy lee the writing is so bad and so weird but he just does it like fuck it i'm a rock star and i'm crazy and you buy it and his acting really saves that scene

Did we have him when we did the, uh, the scale where Alan Rickman was a 10, did we, should we had Tommy Lee is like a nine and a half in this movie or I think we forgot him. Right. Yeah. I had, I had, um, I had the guy from, uh, it's Gary Oldman in air force one as the nine, uh,

Tommy Lee is way up there. And we had, we had toy soldiers as the one, I think he had passenger 57 as the one, which you might've been right about that one. But Tommy Lee is up there. He might be the nine with Gary Oldman right there. The nine five. Would you, would you sneak him to a nine, 9.5 or no?

He's just so funny and he's charismatic. I have Gary Oldman at the nine and he does nothing funny whatsoever. So maybe I would. He carries the movie. Gary Oldman does not carry Air Force One. Tommy Lee carries under siege. He's the nine five. We will do Air Force One in 2024 because I watched it when I had COVID and, um,

It's just, let's say I had some nitpicks. There's some nits in that movie, but I loved it. I had a great time. You know, when you do it next year, November election year, 2024 resident James Marshall kicking ass on the air force one. That's when you do it. Next one. Just a quickie. The microwave blowing up. I love that. So the microwave is going off for like an hour and a half, but it only needed, we needed the five second beep, beep, beep countdown before it blew up.

Like wouldn't have blown up. What was he microwaving? Wouldn't have blown up way sooner. How did he time it so perfectly?

This is why the picking nits section exists. I think you and I both have a lot of questions about the microwave. I will just say this. This made such an impression on me at the time, at 13, that you can make a bomb out of a microwave. A lot of us fantasize when the microwave is ticking down that it's going to be a bomb. I used a microwave in my house like three times a day. I got little kids. I always think of this scene from Under Siege every time I use a microwave. And no microwave in history has ever been made to have an audible tick for the last five seconds. It doesn't make sense.

It's great. I wish he could buy it. I wish we could get it at Target. The big reveal that Ryback is actually a real guy. Yeah. Which we wait. We're past the hour mark at this point. And we find out that he had an extremely distinguished career until Panama.

When most of his SEAL team was killed due to poor intelligence at the airport. Yep. And then we have that guy who's like, every time there's always somebody in another... We talked about this in Tall Soldiers. There's somebody in another location who's just like, no, no, we're fine. We got Ryback or we got Sean Astin. And this guy, the older guy says... By the way, he could offer this information a lot sooner. He says...

Ryback's a warrior. He's the best there is. Oh, yeah. When he got back from Panama, he punched out the officer in charge. Captain Adams took him aboard as his personal cook so he could finish out his 20th.

Could you have told us that five hours ago? Would have helped. And I liked it when he says, hunched out his officer in charge. A whole room of military people are like, oh, fuck yeah. Yeah, that's awesome. They actually liked it. None of them shake their heads. And it's that silver fox who's saying it, who's in every military movie, and he has a real military background. He just delivers it perfectly. But there is always one guy who says, now hold on, there's a secret file. This guy can kick some ass. Even in Air Force One, when the president's up there, there's one guy who's like,

Remember our president was fought and did such and such tours of duty and he can fight. There was some sticks up for him and says, I think we're in good hands with this guy. Also Panama is a, is a great location to just throw around a movies like this because it sounds like, Oh, he had some, I didn't realize he had something in Panama. Cuba's another one. Oh yeah. There was this thing in Cuba that happened and you don't even really need to elaborate. It's just, Oh, it was Panama's must've been, must've been a big thing. Um,

Next I have written down for rewatchable scenes. Seagal plans an attack and does it with a makeshift crew in three seconds. Come on. It starts with him trying to get the guy from blood in and blood out. Whatever that guy's name is. I don't know. He's like, Hey, get it. And he's like, I ain't do it. I do laundry. He's like, Hey, you don't want to see the Navy. Uh,

And then the commander says, well, if I can't control you, I might as well support you, the guy in the war room. And Seagal just goes for it. And things blow up. He wipes out four guys with a knife. There's a dangling over the boat moment for really no reason. I don't even know what it accomplished. He dangles over the boat, then just comes back. Everyone still knows he's on the boat.

A little bit later, this is another rewatchable scene. He makes a bomb using a grenade, a condom, a wire, oil, a recorder, and a knapsack as the playmate of July 89 just stares lovingly at him.

I look at that scene, Bill, and I'm just like, you got Seagal on set with a playmate and there's a condom involved. I don't even, it's disgusting. I can already feel the tension and the jokes that he was making. I just want that scene to end. That should have been a magnum, honey. I don't want his condom anywhere near Seagal. It is pretty, they make a point of him tearing it and opening it. And then she kind of looks at him like,

And you make it longer and longer. And you're like, she's like, give me the hell out of here. I'm going to jump overboard. Well, it gets worse because then he climbs into a scuba suit. We get to see Seagal in a scuba suit. We get to see him swimming to a different sub. He gets hurt. Then he's fine. She has to like help him walk, but then he's okay. And then later on, the same crew,

They just kill everybody with a bunch of missiles. And we get to see him say stuff like, all right, close the breach, fire in the hole, direct hit. And then I mailed you this clip. It's one of the funniest clips of any Seagal movie. He high fives somebody and then she comes in for like a hug and he doesn't really hug her, but it's a full body hug. And he just kind of stares past her. And it's the weirdest 10 minutes of this movie other than the ending. Yeah.

It's a terrible, terrible hug. It's like a grandmother hug and she doesn't want to do it. And just take our word for it. If you're listening right now, I'll put it on my Instagram. Yeah, I'll put it on my Instagram after we post the movie. There's a tandem clip to that, Bill, that we're going to get to that happens at the end of the movie. There's two that go together. Fire in the hole. These guys were like doing laundry and they're putting torpedoes together. It's amazing. So then we have the fight scene with Tommy Lee. Yeah.

One of my favorite action movie things is when the good guy and the bad guy right before the fight recognize each other from the past. I like that moment. It's like, oh, it's good to see you again. Yeah. And then we get the, you are good. You're really good. It's going to be a shame to kill you. I feel like we've had that in nine different movies, variation that. But then we get the, these guys are more alike than you think part.

All of your ridiculous, pitiful antics aren't gonna change a thing. You and I, we're puppets in the same sick play. We serve the same master, and he's a lunatic and he's ungrateful. There's nothing we can do about it. You and I, we're the same. Oh, no. No, no, no, no. There's a difference, my man. You have faith.

You and I are puppets in the same play. He's trying to forge some sort of... I don't know why I just didn't shoot him in the first second. Never. It's a hole. But I don't know if we're rebuying that, that these guys are more alike than maybe Seagal wanted to admit.

Yeah, I mean maybe they the Roman where they recognize each other it's pretty cool moment. So God holds his owner It's good acting by both of them. Yeah, Tommy Lee makes that mistake They all do they all say first you're gonna watch the end of the world like witness what I do and then they always come back and then they have the knife fight and we got to get into that too because the mention you mentioned that so you mentioned this is how Seagal even in the fight with Tommy Lee doesn't get hurt he never gets hurt with anybody and

If you watch this fight really closely, this is crazy. He does get a slight cut. Seagal does. On his cheek. And then when you go back, the cut is gone. So it's almost like Seagal's like, no, that shit's in my contract. Take that out. Like, Steve, it doesn't track. I don't care. Take it out. He still can't be injured. It's maddening.

That's such a good, I don't know how I didn't have that in picking this. Yeah, it's in his contract. Can't even put like the fake scratch over his eye. It's terrible. Really bad end of the fight when he kills him. He puts his finger through the guy's eye. Yeah. Then we get the knife, but it's the obvious it's not Tommy Lee Jones anymore. It's some body double because they don't realize that we're going to have HDTVs and pause buttons. Then he puts them to the microwave.

There should have been an awesome joke here. And he just says, keep the faith, Stranix. And he walks away. It's like, really? Writers on the set? Nobody could have topped that?

I had the exact same thing written down, keep the faith, Stratix, which is a terrible line. Also, at that exact time in history, Bon Jovi had an album out called Keep the Faith. It's distracting. It's stupid. You got a million nautical references. You could have said, look, you're dead in the water, Stratix, anything at all. Or just go with the one he says in Hard to Kill, which is, that's for my wife. Fuck you and die. He doesn't even have a wife. It would work better than Keep the Faith. Yeah.

It would have been funny if he just said that again. That's his, I'll be back. That's from my wife. Fuck you and die. It's an awesome line. Should have said that. How about this? He could have just said, I'm going to defrost you for a few minutes, Stranix. Like something tied to the microwave. To the culinary thing. Yeah. I don't know. Oh, that's good. Order up, Stranix. The ending is unbelievable. Let's go. Comes on the boat. They basically rip off the end of Top Gun. Everybody's on the deck cheering. Right.

I'm just going to read you the actual dialogue. This is what's on the page. Okay. Hey, what did I miss, chief? That's Seagal. Everyone laughs. And then somebody says to him, you still got a date? And Seagal responds, that's right. Everybody breaks up laughing again. Somebody says, it looks like you're going to need three or four stitches, so I want to see you down in the infirmary. And Seagal goes, so I want to see you down in the infirmary. Yeah, I'm afraid of needles, you know.

Everyone, uproarious laughter at that one. Yeah, I'm afraid of needles. Hilarious. You did it again, Seagal. They're all laughing like Jason Garrett laughing at everything Tariqo says. Just dying. And then somebody says, hey, Case, what's for breakfast? And he goes, subs, Tackman, subs. Yeah. Uproarious laughter again. He's at this point. He's just hit the zone. And then the last person says, hey, Case, show me a move.

And what happens next? Here's one move. Hey, Case, show me a move. Here's one move. And his move is grabbing the woman by the back of the head and going in for this Jabba the Hutt to Princess Leia terrifying kiss. I watched that and I feel like that's the only time I'm watching a movie and I'm seeing a crime occur on camera. Not a fictional one, a real one. It has

all the vibes of that was some sort of Seagal ad lib. Like they're just sitting around and Seagal's like, hey, give me one more take. I'm going to try something. And he just plants one on her. She looks terrified. It makes me so uncomfortable, man. Here's one move. That's not a move, Steve. That's assault. That's not a move. What are you doing? Well, here's the thing. I watched it a few times because I knew we'd have to break this down. She seems...

weirdly happy about it. And I don't know if she's happy because thank God it's over or if she's happy about it because she's thinking, thank God it's over or she's thinking, thanks God it's over. But there's, it's like relief caused with, um, I knew that I've been dreading this for three days and now it happened. There's like a 10% chance she, it was an ad lib and she just thought it was funny. She doesn't seem horrified by it though.

Either her acting is really good and she sells it. Oh, that's a good point. I like your theory that, all right, so it's day 105 and on the shot chart, we got the Ryback and Jordan kiss. And she's like, God damn it. I have to do this all day. And so when she was done, she's like, oh, thank God. The rest of it I can do. I just had to kiss Jabba the Hutt and he'd slip the tongue, which you don't even see, by the way, because you don't see their mouths.

It's just that I really remember being as a kid being like, wow, was he supposed to do that? Because don't you feel like it has that air of they're just sitting around like being loose. It's not something that's scripted. And like maybe the actors are ad-libbing a little bit and that was his ad-lib. Well, there's a couple of uncomfortable moments of where she's just the only woman in the boat, right? So you have that piece too. So you got that there, but maybe the reaction is,

You're at a long dinner table and somebody hates oysters. And you're like, I bet you won't shoot that giant oyster. And someone's like, all right, how much? 20 bucks. I'll do it. And they throw it down and then they're kind of happy after. That's the vibe she has. Like she just threw down a gross oyster. And she's done and the work is over and you have to pay me. I just, here's one move. I don't know.

Think of like, let's start to think like the great pisses in film history. If it was like, uh, that's it's last like gone with the wind. If they were like, Hey Rhett, show us a move. And he dips Scarlet hair. He's like, here's one move. And he just plants it on her or Jack and Rose. Hey Jack, show us a move. Here's one move guys. It's so bad. And it makes me uncomfortable, but I think you might've been onto something. It's like she finished the one ship challenge and now she's happy and relieved. So God bless her.

Also, no hint at all, really, of sexual tension with them until he's in the scuba suit. Maybe she has a thing for scuba suit guys. I don't know. Bill, do you have the ages in front of you? I'm talking about those two actors. I don't know. I'm going to just guess. I'm going to say 23 and 42 for Erica Laniac and Steven Seagal, which I don't love. Let's see. All right. Seagal was... It's 40 and 23, so you're pretty close. Yeah.

Craig, you'd never seen this movie, which we're going to talk about later. But when Seagal plants one on her at the end, what was your reaction? I had the exact same thought as Kyle. And I was like, this is 100% improvised.

It's either that bill or someone from on high says, listen, we got to have a kiss. I know you guys didn't get one, but it's our male lead. And it's this woman we hire. We got to have a kiss. So they just threw it together last second. And they're like, Steve, just ad lib something. It's clearly not a scripted thing. It's what makes it uncomfortable. I feel like you're witnessing something real. With that said, she does, like, I don't know, maybe she's a better actress than I'm giving her credit for. Because she does kind of seem into him in this movie, which is what her role calls for. So. Hmm.

Well, he is a Chicago, New Orleans, maybe Italian, maybe not chef who used to be a Navy SEAL. How big is he? Is he like 6'4"? I say 6'2". Okay. He seems giant. Yeah. He is 6'4". I just Googled it. 6'4", Seagal. All right. Big guy. All right. So what'd you have, Kyle? What was your most rewatchable scene? Listen, I'm supposed to say it's Tommy Lee fighting Ryback at the end.

But it's the last five seconds. Here's one move. I can't stop watching it. Bill, it's like an eight millimeter. The film is real. I feel like Machine gave that clip from The Daily. I can't stop watching it. I love that scene just because it's so bizarre. My most rewatchable is when they're launching the missiles and she goes in for the hug. The hug kills me every time. All right, we're going to take a break and do what's aged the best.

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What's aged the best really good entrances in this movie. I think we've discussed in past action movies. We've done. The entrances are crucial. The first time we see Seagal and it's becomes established that he's probably the funniest person in the early nineties. Um, and they're doing the ride back. Where's your rights. I got the dress. I forgot the pumps. Um, Tommy Lee and Erica Leniak's entrance. Both of them have really good ones. Um,

Just, it just feels like when people show up, they show up. You see, he shows up. It's an arrival. The first time you see Tommy Lee, he's on the helicopter with his head on a liniac shoulder looking down her chest. And it's like, okay, this guy's not messing around. And he does that thing where he goes, he just makes this sound effect like he's a train walking onto the boat. It's just, he goes for it the whole time.

We mentioned already Seagal's non-funny jokes as age the best, as whenever this is on, it fucking kills me, as does the wavy hands fight technique. I love when she, I actually think the Erica Liniak character is really good in this movie, like how they set her up where she's this fledgling actress, but it's clearly not going well because she says at one point, I did a Hunter episode in a Wet n' Wild video, which is like fucking perfect, like a Hunter episode. Hunter was this show. Love it. Fred Dreyer.

crime show. There was always a prostitute and it just made sense. It was perfect. Another one. It's aged the best. The cheering war room of military people after we've completed whatever it just gets me every time. What's your favorite cheering war room of all time? I'm going to go war games for me. I'm going to say probably Armageddon when they finally blow up the thing. And there's, and you got the Billy Bob. I love it. There's so many.

So many. Always works. I like, for what's aged the best, actually mean villains. Like these people are like, let's just drown everyone at the bottom of the ship. Maybe that will get their attention. And then they start drowning everyone at the bottom of the ship. It's like, there's no worse way to die than just to drown in the bottom of a ship. They're like, maybe that'll work. These guys are awful people. There's some good history lesson stuff in here. You get to know a little more about the USS Missouri.

Pearl Harbor. Desert Storm too. This is right after Desert Storm and they talk about that and Iraq and all that. It's a big deal. Bushes are here. Sure. No Seagal Ponytail is, I think this is the only movie where he doesn't have it. It's his trademark. Any movie where someone says grimly, wake up the president. Oh, that's a great line. That's so good. Like when AI is writing all of these action movies and just recreating early 90s action movies, wake up the president will be in there.

I like when Busey's still in drag and he goes, do I look like I need a psychological evaluation? That's a funny joke. And he goes, not at all. I actually have two rules. One, I don't date musicians. And two, I don't kill people. That's great. Bernie Casey's in this for What's Aged to Best. He's the guy. He was the Lambda, Lambda, Lambda. Always good to see him. Love him. Legendary 70s blaxploitation actor. Yeah.

You're a maniac drowning your own crew. They never liked me anyway. Just a good back and forth. I bet they love you now, eh? And they all just laugh. Seagal got interviewed as this movie was blowing up in 1992 in the LA Times. So the movie's a hit. They interview him. What's he got? I'll read it in the Seagal voice. A couple of the quotes. Go ahead. I take the Zen philosophy about the success of the movie. I'm very grateful. I don't wallow in joy. That's one. Sounds like a lot of fun at parties.

He said his resistance to do the film initially because he turned it down had to do with the role of a character, quote, who is at first a bimbo jumping out of a cake and gets paired up with me. But then they did some revisions to the script and he said the character, quote, gradually reveals her intelligence. Thanks, Steven. And then it says later, quote,

He said human-oriented scripts are the direction he wants to take his career with films that will not be regarded as slock action. Big mistake. His next film, quote, A Man of Honor, is a more serious drama about the mafia, which he wrote, will star in, and will direct for 20th Century Fox. Never saw A Man of Honor. I don't...

Don't think it got to the starting line, but this goes to the, how he wanted to be Italian. Steven Seagal. I'm going to make a mafia movie. You're not Italian. Steven Seagal. Where do you stand for? What's the best on Seagal putting the blowtorch outfit on and blow torching through a door? I stand, I stand well, I like anytime these guys DIY and they do it. He does a lot of that on this. I think it goes well. I like that part. I like his blowtorch outfit. What else do you have for what's the best?

I like that this crew of terrorists decides, if we're going to hijack this nuclear battleship, we're going to have some fucking fun doing it. They got food. They got booze. They're playing rock and roll. I've never seen terrorists having more fun. They're cracking champagne and throwing around some sort of ham or beef and playing rock and roll music. It looks like they're genuinely having a good time. And I feel like if you're going to do it...

at least enjoy doing it they're not all super serious like the die-hard terrorists it's fun to watch um yeah wait hold on on that point there there is a lot of laughs like there's one part when they they call the war room and then they hang up and they're all just like it seemed like if you're gonna join an action movie terrorist group i think i would pick these guys probably they party i think to your point when tommy lee's talking to the war room

The other guys are next to him, like Beavis and Butthead. I feel like I'm watching a Jerky Boys sketch or something like that, or like Crank Yankers. It's like, yeah, I'm looking for a Mr. Oliver close-off. I think they're on a lot of cocaine, the characters, it seems that way. And it feels that way through the screen. I think they party. They party hard, even all down to the end. I also have...

The Navy whites, do men ever look more handsome than in the Navy whites? Gary Busey looks like Richard Gere in that shit. And I think it's interesting because think about this, Bill. Three months later, you get a few good men, which the Navy whites are disparaged in both by Cruz and Nicholson. And I feel like those lines kind of stick to the Navy whites, like Giamatti talking about Merlot and sideways. That's what you always think of. But they just pop in this movie. Even Seagal at the end looks great.

Costner, No Way Out's another one. Oh, yeah. Pops on the Navy Whites looking great. Maybe you should just wear Navy Whites on Good Morning Football. Just for a big Friday before a playoff game. Just come in with the Navy Whites. Just start saluting people. Nobody will know what's going on. I have this last one for you. This is just from Wikipedia. It's about Under Siege, how successful it was. And they write, it is often considered Steven Seagal's best film to date.

It was followed in 1995 by a sequel, Under Siege 2 Dark Territory, which was not as well received. Wikipedia just cuts to the heart. That's on the wiki. Yeah. Editorial. Interesting. Yeah. Not as well received. Understatement. I have never seen the sequel. I never will. I've never watched it. When I was working for Jimmy's show,

The whatever, 18, 20 months, I was hanging out with Corolla a lot. We both loved Under Siege, but only Under Siege 2 was ever on cable. And it was the number one thing that drove Corolla crazy other than that the goalposts weren't high enough. Anytime somebody would bring up Under Siege, he's like, Under Siege 2 is on all the time. Where's Under Siege 1? Under Siege 2 isn't terrible, I will say. It's functional.

It's on a train and Katherine Heigl's in it and that's all I know. Is there anybody else famous? No, it's functional. You might want to give it a whirl at some point. It's not bad. The Kid Cudi Pursuit of Happiness Award for Best Needle Drop might have to change the name to Jimi Hendrix Voodoo Child. Yeah. Welcome to the revolution.

Better call the office. It's fucking unbelievable. It's so good. And it's unexpected. It's not the song you would have expected. I also, it was... I'm impressed they paid for it. That was what shocked me the most. They actually were like, we're going to spend money and license this song. But this was pre-WCW. Hulk Hogan and the NWO, that's not until like 96. So there was still some...

Some, whoa, Jimmy, Jesus, we're going for it. And the context is cool. So it's the first time the ship is coming, a plane, a jet is coming close to the battleship and they target it and lock in it and they blow it up. And then it's like, and they pop champagne and Tom Lee's like, let's start the revolution. You're like, shit, this movie is good. It's really good.

Big Kahuna burger word, best use of food and drink. Just a clarification question. Does the fake birthday cake count as food and drink here or no? It does not. I don't believe it has made it. It is not cake, as the show would say. No. All right. So then we're going to go with Booyah Bay's

and the Busey Loogie or the menu, the Easter egg menu of all the Ryback, the pasta Rybeckia and all that stuff. I would go with that unless, I don't know if cocaine counts as food, but I would go with the Ryback menu. Whatever's on that is good. Den of Thieves, Benny Hahn Award for scene stealing location, The Ocean?

Yeah, my beef with the ocean in this movie, you mentioned the Seagal gets in the water. I wish we could see him freely swim in the ocean because I wonder if he swims like he runs. I would like to see that. What if he swims ridiculously? So there's one part when he, right after he's swinging from the rope and he climbs back on the boat, but they get Erica and Liniac, and then he's got to basically kill three guys at once, and another two. He kills five people in a second. Right.

And then he runs toward Erica Liniak, but they cut away. But for a split second, you could see him running. I'm like, oh, where's the master cut? Can we have a wide shot of that? I know. Him swimming, I think, would have been equally delightful. Fantastic. I'm almost...

positive he doesn't know how to swim would be my guess you think maybe he has no idea maybe not i i would i would not surprise me is that you know that the nfl always does these like next gen stats and they'll say that dk metcalf ran like 22 miles per hour they should go back and watch mark for death and hard to kill and put next gen stats on sagal it'd be so big i got 2.7 miles an hour yeah right

It's just weird because his arms are going down and his shoulders come in and he just kind of looks like a fish on a fish hook. I know. Just kind of flailing. Great shot, Gordor, where most cinematic shot.

An emotional ending. Salute us, Steven. Oh, come on. Give us one. Give us one for America. And then it cuts to Erica Liniak and she's upset. And you don't know if she's upset because it's a funeral for somebody, by the way, that she's never met or the trauma of the kiss on the boat is just starting to come in. I shouldn't have done that. He's so gross. He had bad breath. Why is she dressed like Popeye in that scene? Like she's not a sailor. She's not in the Navy. She's a stripper in a Navy outfit.

And also, how did they find outfits for her on the boat? Because she changes outfits a couple of times, but she was like 5'2 with different measurements than everyone else on the boat. I was always concerned about that. The Vincent Chase Award for Are We Sure This Character Was Actually Good at His Job. Hey, Gary Busey, aka, what's his name? Lieutenant Krill? Krill, great name.

Maybe just take Seagal out. If you're going to kill all these people with the fake rock concert and you're just going to murder 10 people, including the captain, uh,

Maybe have somebody down there just to open the door to shoot Seagal. You know he's a Navy SEAL. Why are you letting him hang around? I would also put, are we good at their job? Can Ryback cook? Is he any good? And I have this unanswerable question, Bill. Do you think Steven Seagal can cook? Because I know he can eat. It's so funny. I had the same exact thing written down.

So De Niro gets this part. He studies for six months. We don't ever actually see him cooking. He's talking about how he made this bouillabaisse. By the way, if you came over for football on Sunday and you were like, what are you making? I'd be like, been working on this bouillabaisse. You'd be like, what's going on? Have you lost your butt? Yeah, the sailors are like, hey, Case, what's for dinner tonight? Chicken wings, steak, ribs? I've got 50 gallons of bouillabaisse. What? How about just go to the grill, buddy? Yeah.

Can he just make pasta by the tons? The Butcher's Girlfriend Award for weak link of the film. I mean, we just got to address it. It's a June 1989 play-by-play mate who jumps out of a cake and who also accidentally drugged herself, it seems like. And within a half hour, she's part of a counter-military coup and really pulling it off. Like, I feel like better than I would in the same situation.

Definitely pulls it off very clutch for a playboy playmate a couple things on that one It's Christmas time right now. A lot of people are watching home alone the magazine that they have on deck of her that's in it It's the same issue of playboy that Kevin finds in his little chest same exact issue That's my catalog of it. But here's the weak link of the film. All right So we've talked about a little bit built in the basketball sense. I

So Seagal starts, he hits two or three from the field, and then they sit him down for the rest of the first quarter, for the entire second quarter, and he doesn't come back in until after halftime. It really bothered me on the rewatch how long he was in that refrigerator. You watch the movie, you want to see Seagal kick some ass. He is on the bench for a long time in this movie, and I think it hurts the movie a little bit. That's a good one, because in Air Force One...

Harrison Ford, they don't realize he's in the cargo section or whatever, but we're still with Harrison Ford and it's like, hey, go down there. And then he kills that guy. And it's like five minutes later, hey, go down there and does it again. So he stays in, he gets his shots up. I like that, that's good. Danny McBride Award, we never get to give this out. The Danny McBride Award for playing yourself.

George and Barbara Bush. Great to see them. Yeah. Just out of nowhere. The Prez from 92. I don't know how they got the footage. I don't know why the White House was like, sure. You used the footage of George and Barbara. What's the movie about? Well, it's Steven Seagal and a playmate and they're going to shoot nukes at Hawaii. I love it. That's good. You want Dick Cheney too? Because he's in it. Why not?

What's aged the worst? You mentioned all the Seagal stuff. The era of gratuitous action movie nudity, I would say it's probably aged badly. It was very important to the 80s and early 90s. Where do you stand on the name Casey Ryback for our hero? Like Casey Ryback sounds like, let's go down the sidelines where Casey Ryback's with Doug Peterson. Sounds like a sideline reporter. Yeah. Is that the name of...

Of somebody who's like our Navy SEAL chef? Yes. Casey Ryback works with Evan Washburn and Melanie Collins, and they're going to get Pete Carroll on the run game before they go to halftime and do great work on it and send it back to the booth. That's so funny. Casey Ryback. It's a sideline reporter, and they're great. Captain Adams, the guy who plays him at the beginning, who's Seagal's protector, when he's actually dead after Busey kills him versus when he's alive, can't really tell the difference.

Not sure what was going on with that actor, but he died of natural causes two years later.

He died in 1994. I had him for the underacting award for being worst dead guy acting ever. Not good. If you look closely, you can see him breathe. You can see him blink. And you had to feel for the director. We got this old guy on the floor. He's uncomfortable. It's a liability. The DP's like, he's still blinking. We can see it. Can we get one? Can you stop blinking? It must be frustrating. But you can see him move. They shot him twice in the chest. He pulls out a cigarette at one point. Yeah.

More what stage the worst high ranking government officials smoking indoors during big meetings. That oily kind of villain in this semi-villain. He's always has the cigarette gun.

We mentioned the obvious Tommy Lee body double right before he dies. What else do you have for what's aged the worst? Listen, we covered most of mine. Here's one move on the deck. Seagal's aged terribly. You know, you did a drive-by in Busey, which is kind of what it deserves. For us, mind you,

My age, your age, whatever, Busey was really a thing. It started for me in Lethal Weapon with the Mr. Joshua character and how he fights Mel Gibson on the lawn. He was just like when Busey was in a movie, you didn't fuck around and you paid attention to him. He's Angelo Pappas in Point Break and he's charismatic as hell. Now for the Instagram and the TikTokers, he's just like this weird old guy who's lost his marbles and says dumb stuff. I liked him in the day a lot.

Me too. It's a great one. Was there a better title for this movie? We mentioned Dreadnought. There's a lot of weird research about this where the marketing department wanted a three-word title because that had worked with the other four Seagal movies. So they came up with Last to Surrender. That sucks. And in the research, Seagal was furious and fired off a harshly worded letter to the executives saying he wouldn't stand for another three-word title because

And they eventually settled on under siege last to surrender. I'm not against maybe later in the Seagal catalog, but not for this movie.

The Seagal titles, as long as they abide by one rule, which is in the trailer, as the guy's doing the voiceover, it has to end with, Steven Seagal is under siege. Marked for death. Out for justice. As long as it does that, I'm fine with it. It doesn't need to be three words. So last to surrender kind of qualifies. It's not bad. It has to be the last to surrender. So now we're splitting it. It's all right. The last to surrender. The last to surrender. It works. It works.

Best quote, I do have 50 gallons of bouillabaisse that I could prepare for tomorrow. Just out of nowhere. 50 gallons of bouillabaisse? You know how much that is? That's like an incredible amount of bouillabaisse. A lot of sailors on that ship. Anytime you describe food by gallons, it sounds disgusting. I'm thinking of mayonnaise or something. Disgusting. All right. The Stephen A. Smith hottest take award. Do you have one? Because I have one.

I certainly do. Who should go first? You go. You have the floor. So we got all this collection of actors who are in this movie who went on to go and be in The Fugitive, including the director. And bearing in mind that the Stephen A. Smith hottest take is not just a clever take. It's something completely fucking outlandish. You don't even know if the guy believes. There's one person missing from the under siege fugitive pipeline. Yeah. And my take is

The Fugitive would have been a better movie if Steven Seagal played Dr. Richard Kimball. That's my take. If you bring everybody back and let me sell it. Let me sell it, Simmons. Listen, you're gonna have to dial up the action a little bit. The Fugitive has two fight scenes with fist fighting that Seagal would kill.

And who better to fight the guy who breaks people's arms than a one-armed man who lost it in the line of duty? And can you just imagine, Bill, when Seagal walks in as Dr. Richard Kimball in the middle of Charles Nichols' presentation, and he sits there and he goes...

Anybody seen Richie switch the samples? Anybody know why Devlin McGregor did Lentz? I'm going to keep coming back here so somebody remembers Nichols falsifying his research. And then they fight. And I think it works. And I love it. I want to gall as Dr. Richard Kimball. That's my take.

They should have made the fugitive with Harrison Ford, but then simultaneously snuck some Seagal scenes in as a different movie. That's a great one. You know, you were, I thought you were going to say Joey pants should have played the third guy who was played by Cole Meany. Yeah. Yep. And you could add cause Joey pants, big fugitive thing, but you could have had him. And then that would have had the pipeline too. I have a much simpler, hottest take. Let's go. Not as good as yours.

I think Tommy Lee plays the exact same guy in Under Siege and The Fugitive. I think it's the exact same character. There's no difference between them. He's doing all of the same things. It's just one guy has good intentions and the other guy has bad intentions. So he wins the Oscar for The Fugitive and you think the performance is just as good or just the same in Under Siege? I think it's the same everything. He just, his hair is different and he's got malicious intent.

The fugitive, same thing. The way he like tries to have charisma and lowers his voice and rises it again. And the way he uses his physicality, the way he has like people around that he's like connected to at all times, even I just think it's the same. If you would have put Deputy Samuel Gerard in the aviators and the bandana and the leather jacket and a donut with some little sprinkles on top, it really does look the same way. It's true. It's the same cadence and the same tone. It's true.

No casting what ifs for this, other than Seagal almost wasn't in it. The Ruffalo Hannah Rubinick Partridge overacting word. They knew and they let it happen. Don't you call me lady. I come in here. I give these things to you. Give me all you got. Give me all you got. I treated you like a son. You fucking stabbed me in the heart. Fuck you. Gary Busey, just lock it down. It's done. It's over and over again. He's dialing it up.

Best That Guy is the hardest we've had in a while. It's a lot. You mentioned the people from The Fugitive, including Private Nash, who is Ponytail Guy in The Fugitive. I'm not going to say he's a strong actor. I don't know if he goes in What's Aged to Worst or Pickin' Nits, but that guy is not Pacino in Godfather 1.

You have the redheaded guy from 24. Yep. Glenn Morshauer. Love him. He's in this. Nick Mancuso is that guy. Cole Meany is basically that guy. And then from the fugitive standpoint, yeah.

The guy who escapes the train crash. Copeland? He's in this. Yeah. And then who else was in there from The Fugitive? All right, so you got one of my favorite guys. In The Fugitive, he's Rossetti, and he's the guy who's interrogating Dr. Kimball about what color were his eyes? Are you the sole beneficiary? He's like the most Chicago guy ever. He's played by Joe Casala, and he gets shot in the thigh by the guy serving hors d'oeuvres. Oh, that's a good one.

Well, there's one more and I think he's the winner. I hope you have the same one as me because I have a definite winner. I think we're going to have the same one. Oh, there's a definite winner. I forgot to mention Blood In, Blood Out guy who is played by Damien Chapa who also went on to be a bad guy in Melrose Place. Enjoy that guy. But I love Blood In, Blood Out. So to me, he's Damien Chapa. That guy from the program. Yes! We got it. Alvin Mack. We got it. Played by Dwayne Davis. Yes.

This was Dwayne Davis season with the fugitive. I mean, I'm sorry, under siege and the program. I don't know what else he was in, but Alvin Mack, I, we, you, one of the first ones you ever did with us was the program. Yep. You, me and Rosillo. And we're just Alvin Mack watching film. Eagle's up a hero. Unless the setback shifts into the eye. So he's in that as Alvin Mack. He's,

He's in the movie Necessary Roughness as Featherstone. And then in Beetlejuice, he has a small part in the underworld as a football player. Dwayne Davis as one of the great football characters, the most heartbreaking stories, Alvin Mack. That's definitely the guy I'm so happy. Who do you have for damn waiters for best heat check? All right. So there's the usual suspects for this.

Do you know the guy in the war room? I laugh out loud when this part happens, when they're freaking out and the nervous guy goes, what's going to happen if these missiles hit Honolulu? And this one soldier goes, approximately 1 million people will reach 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit in less than a second. And it's like, Jesus, lighten up, Francis. It is a crazy line read. And on the strength of that one line alone, I want to submit that guy for Dion Waiters, which is one shot. I like it.

The opposite of Dion Waiters is the old guy who died and then couldn't even stay dead as he was dying. Yeah, that's good. I kind of like the guy who doesn't tell us for an hour that Seagal is a real badass, but I don't, like, does Erika Linney actually is in this too much? Too much. Too much. I don't even know who Dion Waiters is for this. This is a tough one. Let's go with your guy. I'm fine with it. That guy nails it.

Recasting couch. Yeah. I already did mine, Joey Pants, as that third party. And then we have more Fugitive DNA. I'm just going to thought experiment. You made the case for Busey. We talked about him. He's great. Yeah, give me something. It's a pretty white movie. It is. We are in early, he's available, kind of underrated mode. You're going with the big dog? Samuel L. Jackson. Ah, okay. In the Busey part.

It's a slightly different movie, but I might like it more because we're buying young on Sam Jackson. We're going super early with him. We're a little like James Cook on the Buffalo Bills right now, kind of version of Sam Jackson. Holy shit, he's third in all-purpose yards? Sam Jackson? I had no idea.

So I don't know. I don't mind it. He's just a cook, motherfucker. It would work. And you know what? I guarantee we're not getting that scene where he dresses up like a woman. I don't think Sam Jackson. He's telling somebody else to do that. There's no question. I like Sam Jackson for sure in that role. Half-assed internet research. We'll go quick. Erica Leniak's first feature film role was at age 12. She was the girl Elliot kissed in E.T. The Extraterrestrial. It's amazing.

They did not shoot on the real U.S. Missouri. They used USS Alabama. And a lot of this was shot in Mobile, Alabama. And they made the ocean seem like it was way more vast than what they were actually working with. And that was how they saved some money. The writer who wrote the movie Lawton said, we're trying to make Seagal more mainstream, getting him out of the pure action genre and into an acting role.

and said that originally everything was getting blown up and it was going to be $100 million to make. And now it's 30 million. And then he says, it was Steven's idea to fit the Pearl Harbor Memorial into the film because all these incredible ships would be there, a spectacular sight. I love, Seagal's so powerful at this point that people are like trying to kiss his ass with quotes from that era. It's really amazing.

All right, so here's why this movie is even more important than I realized before I did the research. Harrison Ford was on the fence with taking the fugitive. Okay. They sent him a rough cut of Under Siege to see if he wanted to work with Andrew Davis because they're already giving it to Andrew Davis. Ford was so impressed. He's like, I'm in, Richard Kimball. No kidding. Yeah.

I wonder how long he watched the rough cut. Did he make it through the whole thing? Did he make it till our girl jumps out of the cake and say, I'm in? I don't know how Harry Ford rolls. The cake. He was probably high. He probably didn't know what was going on. Yeah, maybe so. And then they had a blackout barge

with Alabama that you can read the research if you want, but they had to basically block out Alabama in all these different ways with a green screen so that you couldn't see it in some of the shots. So there you go. Apex Mountain. I think this is it for Seagal. I think Under Siege is the one.

Well, it's a true apex in that he definitely goes down after. It's a steady climb. And he reached the top of the mountain as a $100 million movie. And he's the lead. And he's real. And he's respected. And then he just blew it. And it was hubris of, I'm going to do Undeadly Ground. And then he did some other nonsense. And it was over quickly, wasn't it, once he got there? I think we know this was Apex Mountain because they were like, we are so desperate for you to do Under Siege 2. We'll let you direct it.

on deadly ground, even though you have no directing credentials whatsoever. Like none. Tommy Lee Jones, no. But we're getting closer. Busey...

What is the Bucy Apex Mountain? Is it Point Break? Or would you go back to Buddy Holly's story when he gets nominated for the Oscar? I think that's the rock star moment. But in terms of banking him in huge movies and probably paying him a good salary, look, he has like two scenes in The Firm, but he's really good in those scenes. So he had The Firm, he had Point Break, he had this. We're right there. It's 91, 92. Lethal Weapon, 87. It hit a five-year run and then it just went to jokes.

Bernie Casey, no way. It's Revenge of the Nerds. Lambda, Lambda, Lambda. Boat movies. Titanic, probably. Yeah. Titanic in 97, yes. Erika Leniak.

I'm going to say yes. Hell yes, Erika Oleniak, yes. This is the one that kept her going forever. Hey, Bill, have we checked in on Erika Oleniak? She got everything together? Is she all right? I saw a video where she appeared to have a lot of tattoos, which is fine, but I just wonder how she's doing these days. I worry. I see those pictures of Yasmin Bleeth these days, and I don't know. A lot's changed. I hope she's doing okay. I like her work. I'm just going to say that I intentionally avoided this subject.

But she resurfaced in the 2000s after some issues and she was in Celebrity Fit Club and doing that reality, like let's bring people from the 80s, 90s. And I don't think it's gone awesome. This was the feeling I was getting. Usually doesn't. 1989 Playboy issues. I'm going to say this was Apex Mountain.

Well, I mean, other than the Home Alone thing. Home Alone is every single Christmas. The combo of those two. That issue may be one of the most famous issues ever now. So Voodoo Chow. Yeah. I think it's NWO. I don't think it's Under Siege, even though it's such an important part of Under Siege and this movie made a shitload of money. But I mean, it carried wrestling for two years. It's hard for me to believe that it's not the answer.

I'm thinking of Jimi Hendrix music in movies because we had Foxy Lady in Wayne's World right around the same era. Oh, yeah. And it showed up a few places. He was big. Oh, I like that. Any other Apex Mountain for you? What about movie cooks, Bill? Movie cooks? Yes. Like fictional cooks. So we got Casey Ryback and you got Ratatouille that the kids are into.

I got to throw out our guy, Paulie, slicing the garlic very thin and liquefying the pan with just a little oil. It's a very good system. I think that's my favorite one. But Paulie can't kick ass like Ryback. Is anybody else? Am I missing anybody else? I mean, the Julia Childs, but that's a real person. You're talking about Clemenza? Who? Paulie from? No, Paulie from Goodfellas.

Oh, Pauly from Goodfellas. I was thinking Colmenza in The Godfather making the meatballs. No, I mean the slice and the garlic. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, I got you. I got my Italian movies confused. That's pretty good. It's a good list. And Ryback's up there with his boulevard and his knives. So we wouldn't go Favreau and Chef or Bradley Cooper and Burnt. All those are out because I don't think any of those people could fight.

Yeah, I've never seen that Aaron Eckhart, Zeta-Jones movie, No Reservations. They ain't lasting on the battleship either. I need someone who can cook and fight. I'll go Ryback. I love Clemenza. I might go Clemenza. Okay. Why don't you tell that girl you love her? Pickin' nits. Yeah.

I mean, how did an armed group of disgruntled military people have firepower and just get on a boat 20 strong with that had all these missiles and torpedoes on it? What's going on here? I don't have anything else to add. There's a lot of things. First of all,

A surprise party is the corniest, flimsiest nonsense cover. Like that's something that you do at like Dunder Mifflin. Yeah. They have a battleship that has nuclear warheads on it and they're out at sea and they're saying, it's a surprise party. Don't tell anyone. Right. Don't tell the captain. Well, also-

One girl you're bringing? Yeah. You're going to spend all this money. You're flying people on a plane. How about six girls? Are we partying or not? Why one? That doesn't make sense. The military haircuts, I don't understand at all. Go on. Are we in the military or are we not? Yeah, we are. I always thought people had shaved heads and crew cuts and not seeing that there. Cole Meany, who I've never been a huge fan of, but he's an Irish actor.

He makes a roll at the American accent early and then gives up and he's Irish for his last like five scenes. I don't know what's going on. It's a little Costner-y. I think of Cole Meany, I think of him in Con Air and this. He has a very small part in Die Hard 2, Mystery Alaska. But the accent comes and goes. It is the Prince of Thieves Costner and other rewatchables I enjoy. But if you're going to do it, just do it the whole time. God damn. I know the shoot's long. You got to stick with it.

We mentioned Erica Liniak jumping out of a cake. The whole thing was weird. The cake, like, she's asleep in the cake, but he pushes the cake, and then the lights go on, so she just jumps out and doesn't realize anybody's there. She doesn't hear any gunfire. I'm just not sure what's going on with that. I don't know why she's there or how she got there, but here's a point of question, Bill. I saw this differently when I was younger. Does Busey roofie her?

what is going on with the pills? Because she comes on and she says, I'm seasick. And he goes, here, take these pills. They're good for seasickness. And then she like takes a bunch and sleeps. But then I'm like, I think she takes too many. I think the, cause she takes like five of them. He tells her to take two and she takes like six. So Busey does not do anything underhanded. Cause he's a sociopath. Like he doesn't give her something to knock her out. Like intentionally. I hope not, but I mean, he did try to drown three.

300 people in the bottom of the boat so it can't be ruled out but yeah and Busey's like really handsy with her on the way in he's holding her hand his hands on her back I just don't like it so I thought maybe he would have gone for it but I'm glad you're not Seagal gets hurt in the water and then it seems like he's really hurt and then he's fine like the next scene I don't I don't know if they abandoned it or they forgot I thought that was weird and then um

This is a super nitpick. This came up in the research. He's taking pies in the oven. The pies burn. He tells the idiot who's protecting the thing, like, hey, you got to take my pies out of the oven.

The US Navy does not use propane natural gas ovens because they have weapons on the boat. So they use electric appliances when they come. - I love that stuff. Great nitpick. - There you go. What else do you have? - Great nitpick. We talked about the final line is terrible, surprise party, microwave. That's pretty much it. I don't know what role the stripper played. Bill, let me ask you a question, un-attribal. She says her agents set her up for that. How much do you think Jordan got paid to go and jump out of the cake?

Oh, I think a lot. I think it's like when people get Fleetwood Mac to play rich guys for their birthday party. I think she probably got like 20K. Yeah. 20,000? Yeah. That's a good check. Yeah, I think, or 10K, maybe 10K back then. I think she got overpaid. I wonder if she ever got paid.

Probably not. I think they had 10K to spend and they were like, should we get 10 girls for a thousand or should we get June 1989 for 10? That's a great one. Wouldn't you go two for 5,000? No. No. Let's get Jordan for 10. Let's go all in. Great. Sequel, prequel, prestige TV, all broadcast are untouchable. This isn't untouchable. It's good. I don't know what this would look like as a prestige TV show and I don't want to find out.

Is this movie better with Wayne Jenkins, Danny Trejo, Catherine Hahn, Steve Buscemi, Sam Jackson, JT Welsh, Byron May, or Philip Baker Hall? I already mentioned Sam Jackson. I think Philip Baker Hall as the captain would have been a huge improvement, right?

It would have been a huge improvement. And I answered this question the same way, every way. Philip Baker Hall in the role of Floyd Gondoli just saying, listen, I know you don't like Ryback, but I like butter in my ass. I like people on film fucking. That's just me. I like Lollipops in my mouth. I think he's a great captain. Jack, Booyah Bays is the future. We got the talent. Oh, I love Floyd. Just want to ask her who gets it. It's got to be Tommy Lee. Yeah.

Was Casey Radbeck actually a good cook for probably unanswerable questions? We tried to answer this. I still don't know. Did Seagal need a ponytail I have for unanswerable? I like him in a ponytail. He leaned on it, but did he need it? Because he didn't have it in this movie and he's fine. I look at it like this. Tom Selleck doesn't always have to have the mustache, but when he doesn't, you're like, what the fuck, Tom? We're here for the mustache. Give us the ponytail. That's what we're here for. Good point.

Seagal, worst body of any action hero ever. We didn't really hit this hard. It looked like he had worked out, but his arms were about as big as mine anyway. And he has a weird, he's tall and he's got this weird below the nipples torso situation. Like he's got like a thick torso, but no arms. So there's really, they put him in a tank top for a while to try to like to see, it's like a baggy tank top too. I don't really know what the right outfit is for him.

It's something big and baggy. And it's black. When he's in, his ass kicking out for justice stuff. He's wearing sort of loose, baggy stuff. He has a square-like torso, which means he has no V-shape at all, like the classic Schwarzenegger. But I got to give him credit. We started this show by saying C-minus. He obviously had been lifting weights with his arms, but the rest of his body, he's never going to have it. It's all about the face for him. He just doesn't have it. Which makes it so funny that he is 120 and 0 in fights in five action movies. Yeah.

His copy box punch stats are just, he's completely demolished anyone. Yeah. I think my wife and I always have a joke about weird bodies. Yeah. And I think Seagal had a weird body. You did. I just like a one of a kind weirdo body. Best double feature choice of this movie. Probably the fugitive, right? Yeah. You would watch one before the other. And it's like, this is how the fugitive came to be. Yeah.

I wrote down a movie that I refuse to not stand up for. I like U571. I like it. It's McConaughey. It's a nice Bill Paxton performance, and we're out at sea again. U571. Interesting. I also would vote The Package, too, if you want to see kind of the prequel to this with Andrew Davis. But it's a strong one. And Code of Silence. I don't feel like you're on it enough with Code of Silence. I can kind of tell.

Chicago, 1985, no interest. No, I know the other one you mentioned, the other Chuck Norris, The Silent Rage. Like that's the one where the villain doesn't talk. I love that movie. Yeah, that's a great one. Code of Silence, give it a whirl. All right. What do you have for the Indian Red Zawane Award for what happened the next day?

Nothing good. I think, I think Casey and Jordan probably went to Hawaii and they went to a bar and had a few Mai Tais and he did some dipshit guitar playing. And then they went back to a hotel and he forced himself on her. It's probably not good at all. I'm going in a different direction. What do you got? I think they, they kind of, she goes to LA, loses touch with Casey and,

But the acting career doesn't go great. And at some point she needs money and circles back with Casey.

And it's like, hey, do you guys want to get, do you want to get together? I'm going to be, you know, where, and he's like, I'm in Panama right now. I can't. And then she ends up basically getting all the roles that Shannon Tweed turns down in all the Skin and Max movies for the mid late nineties. I think that's her, that's where it ends up for her. And that would be perfect because she doesn't date musicians, but she would end up with Gene Simmons instead of Shannon Tweed. So that'd be perfect. I like it.

I actually, I had this in unanswerables and I forgot to ask. I actually thought she was a pretty good actress. Good. How these, how that role goes in movies like this. Yeah. I think she's like compared to the lady in blood sport, for instance.

The reporter in Bloodsport or in Kelly LeBrock in Hard to Kill. Terrible. Terrible. I think she's like at least a seven or an eight as like the eye candy. I have to have some chemistry with the hero. I have to do some stuff. She's pretty good. She has a legitimate crying scene that is believable when he's first explaining to her. And like, I think she's good. Any problems with the movie aren't really about her. She's just fine. She's good. What piece of memorabilia would you want from this movie? I mailed it to you. I would want that. I

I would want the under siege menu, the Ryback menu. And I would just want the ability to just put that on a wall somewhere in my house. Well, I'm looking at you right now and you got the white shadow and Patriots helmets, basketball hall of fame. Imagine if you could pod with the Ryback menu from under siege behind you. God, that'd be so cool. I'm going to look for it online. I'm going to get it for you for Christmas. I'll find it. It definitely blew up on the boat.

What do you have? What was your memorabilia? You didn't say. I would do the, I would just go with like the, um, this aviators, sunglasses, the Tommy Lee wears and the jacket, the whole thing. If you did a tandem Halloween costume, where you dressed up like that and your friend dressed up in a stupid chef's hat. And you were like, we're from under seeds. There's like one guy at the party who would get it. But he would take a picture with you. Yeah. You guys are awesome. Yeah. That,

That's like when I went as Billy Hicks from St. Elmo's fire. My wife went as the Demi Moore character one year. And I would say like seven or eight people got it and everyone else blank stares. Oh,

I had a fake saxophone. I had a wig on. It was great. Can I tell you, Billy? This is perfect. This Halloween, you know what my wife and I were for Halloween? We were Todd and Margo from Christmas Vacation. And we had the silver suits and the slicked hair. And we both had huge bottles of Evian. And people lost their mind. People love that movie. We just nailed it. When you nail the movie costume, it's unlike any other. You think that's the number one Christmas movie? Or are you going somewhere else?

Number one, that's my mood. I watch it only on Christmas Eve. And I'm such a nerd for rewatchables. That episode dropped and I'm saving it to listen to like as I drink on Christmas Eve on my couch. And how did it go? It went great. Yeah, we had four. It was great. Okay, good. Coach Finstock award for best life lesson. Don't underestimate the cook. It's a great call. Especially on some sort of military. The cook's going to have a background. Just don't think he's a pushover.

It's not the 5'7 guy from The Bear who's now playing Caravan Eric for some reason. Yeah, it's not that guy.

It's it's the guy might have might know how to do some stuff. Don't just put them in a locker and think you're just going to get away with it. You know, in the season finale of the bear season two, Carmi gets locked in the fridge. He does. Right. And everyone's probably like, oh, they're, they're, they're taking it from Kubrick. I'm like, no, no, no. They're taking it from under siege. They know what time it is. That's fantastic. Who won the movie? I got a Tommy Lee Jones.

Tommy Lee Jones got his role in The Fugitive from this. He got the Oscar and he is still to this day, I think doing insurance commercials where he probably gets $2 million for an hour's work. So I think it would be Tommy Lee Jones. And he played the same character in both movies. Well, this part's exciting. I'm going to tell a little story as we bring Craig on for his take. So I told Craig, we're going to run this on Sunday, Christmas Eve, because Sal and I are going to do our podcast on Monday. And I said, we're going to go with a big one.

And I think Craig got excited and thought we were actually going with a big one in his mind. And he's like, oh, what is it? And I was like, Under Siege. And Craig was like, what? And I was like, Under Siege. It's the best Seagal movie. And he was like, that's a big one? And I was like, you haven't seen Under Siege? And he said, no. And I'm like, Craig?

You're going to see it and you will understand why it's a big one. So Craig, what was your take? I do understand. I love this movie. I just got to say, you guys are really, you guys keep delivering. You guys really do. The last four movies, I genuinely have never heard of. Cliffhanger, Sudden Death, Toy Soldiers, and Under Siege. All of them hit.

Yeah. Remarkable that these movies are pulling through. And what's great about them is all these movies, they're always like the premise that all the major actors and directors passed on because it's too ridiculous. Yeah. And that's why they're so good. It's like a group of children take down a terrorist organization at a boarding school. Everyone's like, yeah, pass. A terrorist, you know, holding the vice president hostage at the Stanley Cup. It's like, all right, pass. A chef and a stripper taking down terrorists on a boat. It's like, all right, pass. Yeah.

But I love it. And you know what's a bummer now is that we don't have the like, we don't have the like cheesy weird actors anymore that like you want to go see because they're super weird. Like we were just talking about National Lampoon. It's like the Randy Quaid's, Seagal, Gary Busey. Like that stuff doesn't exist anymore. Like if you make a silly action movie, it still just has like The Rock or Jason Statham in it now.

I think we've all gotten too self-aware, but I'll be honest. I think there's possibilities of Travis Kelsey here. Tommy Alter, my friend Tommy Alter, who used to work with us at The Ringer, was the first person who mentioned me after Travis hosted SNL. And Tommy went. Okay. And he texted me the next day and he's like, Travis is going to be the next big action movie star. And I'm like, whoa. I didn't realize it was hottest take Sunday.

But the more I look at it and like the kind of fame he has, it's a little like what happened with Howie Long when Howie Long was in Broken Arrow as one of the bad guys. And it made sense because Howie Long, but Travis is way more famous than Howie Long was. But maybe Travis brings it back. He definitely has the perfect level of really not being that great of an actor, but he has charisma. And that's kind of like the sweet spot. And he's kind of fun to make fun of a little bit too.

Like every, every picture or video with him and Travis with Taylor Swift is hilarious for some reason. Any movie that he puts out is going to make a ton of money because all the Taylor Swift fans will see it. And that's all the studios care about that. It makes money. I'm just trying to see if we can get a role for Jason Kelsey in there somewhere. If he could be like the villain or the funny best friend or something, cause that'd be even better. Funny best friend would be amazing. See Craig, these action heroes that we grew up with, they weren't really actors. Like Arnold was a bodybuilder.

Like Steven Seagal was a freaking karate coach. You know, Von Dom was- Martial artist. He was just a martial artist who had no idea how to act. I think we're looking at it the wrong way. We keep putting like Chris Evans and a Helmsworth brother, you know, and all these people who are these actors that we have history with and we should be going outside the box and-

Like what Ron Artest should be in an action movie. Like, let's just, let's just go nuts. Draymond Green. Maybe this is the Draymond Green future. Well, the ones that are sitting right there with Draymond, I mean, how long until Logan Paul is in an action movie or Jake Paul, those two guys. I mean, they can do it. By the way, if Netflix was like the new Logan Paul movie and it's basically Die Hard and a TikTok hype house, like, okay, fine.

Twist my arm. I'm watching.

Shit, they're going to make that now. Give me royalties. But yeah, I think that's part of the problem is we're just ass backwards with how we find our action heroes, Craig. Craig, I'm glad if I've had any role in your life, it's to make you appreciate terrible action movies from the 80s and 90s. And this movie isn't even terrible. No. No, and all the other Seagal movies kind of blend together for me, but this one will now forever stand out. Well, I remember when we did Hard to Kill, a lot of the reaction I got online was,

great now do under siege or we riot like they wanted it yeah they want it and they got it

Yeah, the other thing from a rewatchable standpoint, this movie was on, I think, for the next seven years after it came out. That's the other thing is like movies now are just not in our face as much as they used to be. Like you guys didn't have much of a choice. Under Siege was just on cable and there wasn't a ton of movies in theaters that were awesome action movies. Now it's like, it's just hidden on a streaming platform amongst a million other options. Even if there is an Under Siege out there, we probably don't know it. Maybe it's like Pacific Rim and those types of movies. Extraction. Extraction.

Yeah. We talked about this with Den of Thieves because we did Den of Thieves pretty early on the rewatchables. It had only been out for a couple years, but we just felt like it was a rewatchable. But the rewatchable mechanisms aren't the same because now people go to the streamers and you're just choosing to click on movies and starting from the beginning versus just hopping in halfway through, which I think...

So for action movies, that's been tough because I think Triple Frontier would have been one that would have in the 90s would have had this awesome TNT run. Totally. Right? You would never re-watch some Chris Hemsworth shoot-em-up on Netflix. You just watch it once. But with Under Siege, you bought it for 12 bucks so it was on your shelf. Yeah. So you would put it in over and over again. You don't re-watch stuff that you stream. You just watch it once and you're like, I've seen it.

And you didn't have a choice. Like if you went on Netflix and there was only 10 things you were allowed to watch and they chose it for you, I mean, you would end up watching whatever they gave you. Craig, do you think Seagal thought he was Italian? He kind of shifted into different personas throughout the movie. I don't know though. It's,

Do Italians have ponytails? I'm half Italian. I feel like I don't see a lot of Italians with ponytails. Well, the guy from The Sopranos did that Carmella fell in love with. Furio. Yeah, like a real from Italy Italians have those. Maybe that's what he thought it was. My roommate in Charlestown in the mid-90s, Richard Girardi, a.k.a. Ricky.

who knew the guy named Big Al who got us the illegal cable box, which was a huge, huge boon for the rewatchables. But he had the ponytail for a little while there. So it's a, you really have to pull it off. You need a certain face. You can't have a big head. You can't have a big head with the ponytail. I feel like he would have gone with Italian dishes though for his character, right? He would have been serving carbonara and bolognese. No, there was nothing like that. But Ryback is like, what nationality or what ethnicity is Ryback?

Sideline reporter. Sideline reporter. All right. Kyle Brandt, what do you got planned for the holidays? Looking on Christmas, I'm going to do our show on NFL Network, the Good Morning Football Show with Schrager and Jamie and McCourty. And then I'm going to be appearing on CBS NFL Sunday doing our one-shot deals that we've been doing for a few years now, which are a lot of work and really fun. And I'll be listening to a lot of rewatchables, as I always do, Bill.

Awesome. Well, thanks to everybody for listening. Happy holidays. Merry Christmas. I think we're going to squeeze in one more before the end of the year, but Kyle Brandt, always a blast to have you on. Good to see you, my friend. And happy holidays, Craig.