Answering The Tough Questions
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I'm Jeff Perlman. And I'm Rick Jervis. We're journalists and hosts of the podcast Finding Sexy Sweat. At an internship in 1993, we roomed with Reggie Payne, aspiring reporter and rapper who went by Sexy Sweat. A couple years ago, we set out to find him. But in 2020, Reggie fell into a coma after police pinned him down, and he never woke up. But then I see my son's not

moving. So we started digging and uncovered city officials bent on protecting their own. Listen to Finding Sexy Sweat on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Over the years of making my true crime podcast, Hell and Gone, I've learned no town is too small for murder. I'm

I'm Katherine Townsend. I've heard from hundreds of people across the country with an unsolved murder in their community. I was calling about the murder of my husband. The murderer is still out there. Each week, I investigate a new case. If there is a case we should hear about, call 678-744-6145. Listen to Hell and Gone Murder Line on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. ♪

It's I Do Part Two, and I'm one of your hosts. It's Jana Kramer. And most of the time I'm on this podcast, I'm talking with celebrities or people that want to share their divorce stories. But I'm kind of excited because today my guest is none other than my husband, Alan Russell. Welcome to the podcast. Thank you for having me. So today we're going to dive into some questions maybe we haven't answered before, give our listeners a little more insight to who we are as a couple.

You know, we share on my, you know, wind down and adult education podcast that we do some things about our relationship. And I feel like we've opened up about, you know, certain things, whether it's parenting or our marriage, but we're going to get a little deeper. So to give people a little backstory that don't,

really know our relationship. Alan is from Alabama. He's got a beautiful Southern accent, right, babe? I do, yeah. Yeah. He's from Glasgow, Scotland, and we have been together. All right, babe, how many years have we been together for? How many long, long, long years? Nearly three. Yeah.

So we've been almost together for three. We've been married for almost a year. Our year anniversary is coming up on July 13th and we have a 19 month old baby. This is technically our fourth year together because we met in 22. Been 23 together, 24 together and now it's 25.

So we're in our fourth year of knowing each other. I don't, can you do it like that? You can do it however you want. Isn't it funny how you make the numbers work for you, you know, one way, if you want it to work the other way, you minus. Like, oh, we were just, you know, a few short months. Manipulation. So when I was single,

This, basically how we met, because that's one of the things that people ask us all the time. So when I was, when I was single, obviously, I got a DM from Alan. He slid into my DMs very respectfully. You always use the word slid. Well, what would you like to call it? Jump? You jumped in, you...

slid such like a creepy horrible way to describe it as i've mentioned many times okay how would you like to describe it then i respectfully and politely entered enter that sounds that sounds i entered the premises hey okay i dm'd you yeah yeah

And so, so that was, so that was that. A few thought starters though on, on this, just in general about when we started dating, you know, because I have been married. So obviously you Googled me. I mean, you had to, that's, I Googled. But not like a, not like any sort of, I knew you were, I knew you were an actress and a singer, but that was kind of,

That was kind of it, really. I kind of left it at that. You knew I was a mom. You knew more than that. Yeah, I knew you were a mom. Yeah. But I didn't, in no way did I do a deep dive into your career, your acting career, your singing career, your past, nothing like that. I don't know if I have a hard time believing that because just, I mean, you flew from another country to meet me. Yeah. And that was, that's the little research you did.

I'm not saying I did a little research, but I didn't do a deep dive into it because people's past is their past, isn't it? Yeah, but I think your past tells a lot though about who that person is. It does. It does. It tells you the experiences they've had. It doesn't, and I always said this to you from the very beginning, it tells me what your past was, but it does not define what your future is. And I've always said that to you.

Right. But I didn't have to do a deep dive because I knew that you're respected in your industry. You were clearly a really great mom. So it's not like there was, I wasn't out there digging and searching for things. I just wanted to get to know you. I think girls definitely do more of a deep dive, although it was a little harder to deep dive yours because you had a private Instagram. Things were a little bit more...

Tight-lipped on your side. Yeah. I knew you kicked a ball around because you were a professional athlete, professional soccer player, sorry, football player. And then you were coaching when I met you. Yeah. So when you found out, because I mean, obviously when then you did on your search, I mean, it's right there on the Google page, how many times I've been married. Like you have to have been like, yeah,

I would. I mean, I judge my past all the time. No, I used to. I don't anymore. But I mean, on paper, it looks terrible. Yeah. I'm not saying it looks terrible, but you can tell that you made shitty decisions when it wasn't because like, I think like one of your marriages was like a week or something. I don't even know. Yeah.

So you can see, okay, it might look married four times. But when you actually look at it, it's like, okay, well, one of them was probably a real long-term proper marriage and the rest of them were maybe just decisions that weren't wise when you were younger, which everyone does. So it wasn't a turn off? No, not at all.

Has it ever made you feel like it was a turn off? No. Because I told you I would never judge you on your past. No, and I love that. And I think one of the reasons why it was hard for me to date post because I'll never forget a date that I was on when someone brought that up and said, my sister doesn't want me to date you because of how many times you've been married. And so immediately it was like, oh, there's shame around that. Like it's, you know, this is bad and no one will then will want to date me.

And so, yeah, I think I think I've and again, it goes back to things that I've always said to you. Right. And I've always wanted you to feel like I would never shame you because you're because there's shameful things that I've done in my past. And maybe not as public as things that maybe happened to you, but I would never want to be judged or shamed or that to be called out just because I've made crap decisions in my past. Everyone makes them.

you've made pretty poor ones with your marriage side of it. I've made pretty poor ones when in certain phases of my life through anger or, or too much to drink or whatever, whatever it may be that that's at that stage. And I would never want you to feel shamed and I would never judge you, which is why I've never done that. I don't think I've ever once brought up the fact that you were married four times, even in an argument or. No. No. Well, cause it's so to me, I mean, it's kind of,

I don't want to say irrelevant, but it's been dealt with. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Were you nervous about dating a woman with baggage? Define baggage. Like everyone, we're 40 years old, babe. Everyone's got baggage. I mean, I would say with, you know, you're right. Like I feel like once you, if once, if you're dating in your mid thirties, someone's either most likely been married.

Or kids. Got kids or has been through something in their life that has shaped them. Has abused, has been abused, has those. Yeah. And so I actually don't like the word baggage. No, it's a poo. If, you know. It sounds like a damaged word. Yeah. And that's where I don't like it. It's like, we've all been through things and it's kind of, it's very, it's a very shaming word.

to put on someone. Well, yeah, well, what's your baggage? You have kids. It's not baggage. That's life. Yeah, that's actually beautiful. You're a mom and you're a father. You have previous marriages like I do. Therefore, you learn from them and you become better. I think baggage is just another word for you've lived life a little bit and you've experienced life. Yeah, I think baggage is such, it just sounds so negative. Yeah.

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Okay, so I've got a question for you. With me being a professional athlete and then being a professional coach and being involved in the professional sport world, that gets a certain reputation. Like I remember dating some people and they're like, well, my friends have told me not to date you because you've been a professional footballer and you're a professional coach.

Because there's a stigma attached to professional athletes. Some justified. Yeah. And some not. Yeah. Was that, did that raise a red flag? I don't think you're going to like my answer. You're actually going to hate my answer. It either raised a flag or it didn't. Well, but the answer is, I've never dated a soccer player as an athlete. Okay. I've dated all the other ones, but I've never dated one of you.

So I didn't know about the soccer world. Like I know like the different sports. I just say they're professional athletes. They have, they have reputations. Right. Yeah. And you know, some are, some they say are worse than others. Like, but I don't, I don't think it comes down to the sports they play, even though some people will say otherwise, it all comes down back to the person. But yeah, of course. I mean, there's the stigma for a reason. There's, there's the stats for a reason. Yeah.

The stats? You looked into stats? Well, there's just, there are like professional athletes cheating. Like there's, you know, what's the stat in that? It's a lot higher than someone that's a teacher. Yeah, of course. So you weren't, I think what was helpful is that you weren't an active player at the time. I think if you were a player still, it would have maybe swayed my flag to being more cautious. Yeah.

I think since you're out of that world in that arena, then it, it didn't make me feel as nervous about it. But you know, the coaching aspect, there are, you know, players in that too. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. So again, I think it just goes back to, and you could say the same thing about actresses, right? You know, with,

being with people and actresses and dating co-stars. I mean, that's possibly a flag somewhere thrown around in there too. But I think it just goes back to the person. I think there are some incredible...

I know some very incredible athletes that are married, that are good men, that are good Christian men, that are family men. So it's like, it's not fair to put that stigma on every athlete that they're going to achieve. I agree. So no, I don't think... I think it helped that you weren't playing though. Yeah. Okay. When we first met, were you thinking marriage? Or was that even on your radar? I mean, for...

For me, I've never been one to like to date to just date. So it's like, all right, if I want to date and then see if there's... Am I going to... What is the point of just dating to date? I mean, I actually see that point and I did for a minute there just to see what I wanted. Because I was like, I don't even know what I like. Because I'm always constantly asking other people, do you think they're cool? Do you think they're cute? Do you think they're this? And I'm like, I never...

And then I would maybe start stay dating with the person because I'm like, oh, well they think he's cute or they think he's X, Y, and Z. Like I never went with my own opinion or gut with things. So with us at that stage in my life, especially having, you know, the two kids and stuff, I was always like, yeah, I want, you know, I wanted to get married again. I know it sounds crazy, but I am the like hopeless romantic with,

I got it wrong one, two, couple times. And I still believe that the right one was out there. And I know you were too, because when we had our first few dates, which by the way, this could look a little love bomb-y, but it wasn't because I think we're on the same page. But like you sent me, when you were flying back to England, you sent a picture of a ring.

But like anybody else, I'd be like, oh girl, they are love bombing you run. Yeah. But it was like, we just knew. Yeah, absolutely. But yeah, anybody else, I'd be like, that is a massive red flag. And not when it was happening to me. I think, and I think that's one of the things of being married before and being through the dating side of it and being through these experiences. And now we're in my foot is like,

You know what you don't want and you know what you want. Yeah. So therefore your decision making becomes a lot clearer and a lot easier. It's always right, but you know what you want. And when that comes along, then I knew straight away that we'd get married. When we had sex, who did you tell? Who did you call? My brother.

Ew! Ew! Well, I didn't call him and say, oh, we had sex. We spoke the next day and he asked about how things had been going. Yeah. So what do you mean, ew? Then what did you say? What if I had said to you, oh, I phoned my mum, I phoned my dad? Well, that's even grosser. But I'm just like, not a friend? You didn't phone a friend? Oh, yeah, he's like my best friend. That's true. Did you tell him we hooked up?

it's not like like my brother is like I speak to him most days like he's my uh-huh okay and what did but who did you tell my best friends what was the difference this is way different yeah it is your best friends friends oh yeah yes queendom um what did you say though to your brother because it was cute I mean I know what you said but you know what I said yeah

What did I say? When you say like, I'm screwed or something. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Basically. For people who are dating long distance in their chapter two or three, um, like we did, how do you suggest people keep it spicy when they're far apart? Oh,

We didn't do long distance for that long. October, November, December, January, February. Five months. Yeah. Long distance. But we weren't like the... We've seen each other a lot. ...full and sexy kind of person. Yeah. No. I think it's quite cheap, that. I mean, there's times where we've done it. Have we? Yeah. Not sex. No. I mean, you do phone sex. I don't... Have we ever done that? Times where we've been...

kind of played with it a little bit but like never situation right but with never no I think the spiciest thing is just communicate how old do I sound but like sending cute pics and little flirty pics I think that keeps it spicy yeah and I think it's also good to be honest on how much that you miss someone like yeah

Like I was craving you when you weren't there. I was, I really missed you. So it was important that I told you that. What did family members, anything they say after we met them for the first time? My mom loved you. My dad loved you. My brother loved you. My son loved you. So no, there was, there was zero negativity. My family just couldn't understand you, but they loved you. Yeah.

When you and I met, I already had a podcast where I talk about, you know, my relationship history. Part of, you know, being in my life is also about sharing that aspect and being open. You know, what did you think about that early on? And then what do you think about that today? Very good question. It wasn't something that I'm used to being a professional coach. I'm used to keeping things as private as possible because it normally will come back and bite you in the ass in the professional world.

So I remember the first time I went on the podcast and the producer of the thing kind of prodded a little bit, remember? And I didn't like it. So yeah, I found that it was way out of my remit and what I normally do on a daily basis or how I apply myself. So I found it quite tough, but I've grown. I know there's, listen, there's a business aspect. There's so many different aspects to it that

It has a lot of intelligence and there's a lot of reasons why it's good to be less private on things. So I think I've grown to almost normalise it over the last two and a half years, three years and see the benefits. It will not always be beneficial. It will have its downfalls at some points. But early on it was tough because you would ask things and I'm like, I don't want to talk about that or I don't feel that's right to speak about that.

that doesn't sit well with me and you could probably see it in my face whereas I'm probably still a little bit like that because my default is always to go private but I think I've become better at opening up and seeing because a lot of the stuff that you do that is private stuff helps people I'm not saying anything that comes out of my mouth is going to help anyone on that level but yeah I've got better at

recognising that there's benefits to sharing your experiences and not keeping them locked up. Yeah, I mean, I think...

there was a part in our relationship early on where I would post something or say something and you'd be like, why did you say that? And it wouldn't have even been about us. It was like my, my past or my past relationships. Like, why did you say that? Why? I was like, because it's, this is my life. Like I, I want to help other people. I want to share these things in hopes and efforts to help other people. If they're going through a parenting or cheating or trauma or DV or anything

any, any of those aspects. And I think that was, and I was like, please like, don't make me feel like what I'm sharing is, or that I, that I need to like stop that. Cause I was like, that was, that was a piece for me. I was like, this is, this is my life too. And this is how I've chosen to live it. I think I went through this to them, be able to share it and help people. Right. And I think you've definitely gotten better with,

You've never, you haven't said that to me in a long time about anything that I've posted. I don't realize why you do things. Yeah. Yeah. And then I, I know our boundaries of, of what we share, like on our adult education podcast and you know, all that. So I know, and it's, it's important not to, and it's important to, um,

respect your boundaries around it too. And meet in the middle and be like, all right, I got an Instagram. This is a part of this world that I've created that I...

You know, I do enjoy showing my family and you. And I mean, people were obsessed with the stuff with you and Jolie the other day and seeing y'all's relationship. And, you know, I think that's important to weave in. Like who wants to watch someone's page that's just ad, ad, ad, ad, ad. It's like no one would come to the page. It's like you have to bring people in, share life with them to then, you know, you can't just be selling stuff 24 seven. Absolutely not. You know? Yeah.

So I'm glad you came a little full circle on that one. Wait, I have so many questions that we still need to get through. And then I kind of want to know. So how about we take a break and then come back for another episode? Sweet.

I'm Jeff Pearlman. And I'm Rick Jervis. We're journalists and hosts of the podcast Finding Sexy Sweat. At an internship in 1993, we roomed with Reggie Payne, aspiring reporter and rapper who went by Sexy Sweat. A couple years ago, we set out to find him. But in 2020, Reggie fell into a coma after police pinned him down, and he never woke up.

then I see my son's not moving. So we started digging and uncovered city officials bent on protecting their own. Listen to Finding Sexy Sweat on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Over the years of making my true crime podcast, Hell and Gone, I've learned no town is too small for murder. I'm

I'm Catherine Townsend. I've heard from hundreds of people across the country with an unsolved murder in their community. I was calling about the murder of my husband. The murderer is still out there. Each week, I investigate a new case. If there is a case we should hear about, call 678-744-6145. Listen to Hell and Gone Murder Line on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Here's the deal. We gotta set ourselves up. See?

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