Deep Dive
Shownotes Transcript
I've actually tried several times to adopt a kid. Really? Just for content. Just for content. I need to stop saying that on the application. Right, right. Because they say like, what's your plan for the kid? And I go, TikTok. Hello? That should be a legit answer at this point. They're going to dance. There's money in there. Yes, there's money. There's always money at the TikTok stand. Amber, Amber, Amber, Amber, Amber, my girl. I am your girl. We have things to talk about immediately. Immediately. Your husband's trying to sleep with me. My husband.
I can't deny that. Your husband might be trying to sleep with me. But he only picks the best and the baddest. So I want you to know that. Evidence. Evidence. Evidence. My husband is very attracted to you. He loves funny men. Come on. So I can make some shit shake. Let's make some shit shake. Because y'all came to my birthday party. We did. And did you guys have a good time? We had an amazing time. Your birthday. Caleb's. Where's my camera? Stop. Stop.
This me? Okay. That was you right there. And tell them. Tell them how the birthday party was. You know, I apologize to those girls of you out there who didn't get an invite. You know, I too was on the C list. No, please. But I got an invite. And it was just so, it was like, I'm not trying to call you old, of course. Right, okay. This is an interesting turn. I think we've been to, I think, I'm sure you've been to so many like Gen Z little events out and around town. Just like.
Like, this is a content birthday party. Like, you know, you go to something, you're like, this is about the content. Yeah. But your party was very like, no, phones away. Let's just put on some Natasha Bedingfield. We were dancing. And get to town. People were actually dancing. Singing. People were actually talking. I think, can I actually tell you a secret? Oh, my God. About your birthday party? Please. This is huge. Breaking news.
I stole a blunt at your birthday party that was on a table. Those were out for everybody. See, but the black in me was like, I stole it. I took something that wasn't mine and I have to confess immediately. No, that was the blunt table. Well, I want you to know like, okay, some of the listeners should know about me.
I have so much guilt that one time at a Panera Bread. Thank you. Of course. First of all. At a Panera Bread. Thank you for your service, Panera Bread. Yeah. One time at a Panera Bread, I bought like a scone. So I gave the cashier $5. Right. Some teenage cashier was like busy doing stuff, the coffees, the scones. So she gave me back $26. Oh, no. She gave me back the wrong change. Yeah. Right? Yeah.
I tripped three times running out of that Panera Bread. Oh, man. Because I was trying to get away with the cash. Yeah. But I felt so guilty. I tripped three times. I was sweating profusely. I get in the car with my mom, and she's like, why do you stink, and where's the scone? Like...
And I was like, we got to go. We got to hit it. Like, I just stole $26 for this for Nara Bread. And she's like, get your ass back in there. Get that skull. Get the skull and give that girl her money back. So that's the kind of guilt I deal with. Yeah. I hate to say this, but your mom's fake as hell. Because I would have been like, get away car. I'd have been like, let's go. But see, you have to, like, you know, I'm a parent. So at what point do you teach your kid that some crimes are okay? Yeah. Like, I don't think that was my mama's day to teach me that. That was not the day. But I thought I stole a blood at your party. No.
I walked past it three times and I was like, I think I'm going to steal at Kayla's party. Like I need something.
So it was a blunt table. Blunt table was calling you. I laid out the blunts. There was no sign that said blunt table. No. I did a lot of things for the party. And this is my LA birthday party. Yes, I had a Kansas City one. Yes, I had a New York one. Oh. Oh, the tour. The birthday tour. I'm not a big birthday person. But this year, I just was like, that week, I was scheduled to be in all three places already. And I was like, fuck it. But I...
I will say the craziest thing I did for my birthday party, did you drink any of the jungle juice? Oh, absolutely. It fucked people up. Yes. Yes, it did. The jungle juice I made really took people to a place that I have never seen so many people get poured into Ubers. Like, people were stuffed into the back of Ubers at the end of the night. Clown car. 40-year-old executives at TV networks getting pushed into Ubers. But that's what made it feel so OG. It's like...
Enough of these fancy cocktails. Stop it. An open bar. Stop it. I want that hunch punch. Yeah. And that's what you delivered. It was hooch. The jungle. The hooch. It was hooch. It was hooch. It was a little hooch. And hash. We were in there, dude. It was all of it. I'm so glad you guys came. Yeah. Ben, Ben, anytime, hit me up. I would love to talk. He said you smell great. I do. I do smell good. He needs a night out with you. He needs a night out with me. You stay home with the kids. Sometimes I want to just...
You know, cue up my Erin Brockovich and have a good night. Erin Brockovich. Now, you know I'm a Julia Roberts stan. Is that your number one Julia movie? You know, I do loves me a pretty woman. Thank you. I would say my favorite, the minute I was like, Julia's not one of those. She's one of the girls. Yeah. Was Steel Magnolias. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I was like, oh, no, she's not just a great smile and some, you know. She's more. She's not just 47 teeth.
It's more like 78 teeth. She's got a lot of teeth. She's got big teeth. And they're blinding white. But she's not just resting on her laurels. Now, have you seen Stepmom? Oh, of course. Oh, Stepmom. Now, you want to talk about a movie that will make me cry until I throw up? Stepmom with Julia Roberts and Susan Serena. I read a review of this movie once.
Because it came out around the same time as Patch Adams. Of course. And Ebert and Roper put out a review of this movie back when reviews were like that. Yeah, yeah. Now the comment section is reviewed. Truly that. So for people who are like 20 and below, Ebert and Roper was like letterboxed, but they actually had credentials.
And so what they said mattered. Great. And they did a review of Stepmom, this gut-wrenchingly sad, beautiful movie. Love it. And they said, it pulls at your heartstrings, but it doesn't hold a gun on you like Patch Adams. No.
And I was like, that's about correct. Because Patch Adams wanted you to die. Patch Adams sent you straight to the crematorium. They really took us under. But stepmom... Stepmom is real. Stepmom had you wanting to end your life as well. I was like, how can I feel this much pain for these...
These fictional white women. These fictional whites. These fictional whites. But even there, there were so many strong standouts in Stepmom, like the little boy, Jenna Malone. We love a young Jenna Malone. Yes, we do. Who was even the white guy? Ed Harris. Ed Harris. I was like, I can't even remember the white guy. You were right to mix them up, but it was Ed Harris. Yeah, you know that type. Yeah. It's like the Clint Eastwood. Yep.
You're like, they don't really have to say their politics type of white guy. You're like, I know where they fall on stuff. They got a little smoke to their voices. Yeah, when they're in a movie, you're like, I know what they're supposed to be about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They like classic cars in a way that's a little scary. You're like, oh, not that. Yeah, you miss the time. Not the vintage car. You miss the era. Yeah, yeah, you miss the era. You and Julia have a lot in common. Not only are you both very talented, beautiful people that I love, but Georgia girls.
Oh, really? Now, are you from Georgia or did you just go to school there? I'm from Georgia. I'm from Athens, Georgia, and then I went to school there. I knew you went to school in Georgia. You studied journalism? I did. Okay. You better do that research. Come on. You think I'm better? You better do your homework or somebody did it. Well, Chance did it. Yeah, yeah. But I read the documents. I saw the way to hand when I read the documents. But I read the documents.
I saw the cliff notes. Georgia girls. She's a Georgia girl. She is. And what I want to say, what is her connection? Julia Roberts has a connection to, Chance, will you Google? I think she has a connection to like,
Is it MLK? Okay, I see Martin Luther King Jr. in that bottom paragraph, and I want to know what that's about. During its years of activity, the workshop was the only... Oh, it was an integrated theater company in Atlanta. Of course. Four children of Coretta Scott and Martin Luther King Jr. participated in the company's classes and productions, and the Kings financially supported the enterprise. This is like her family's theater company.
Yeah, so they were in a theater business with the King family in Georgia. That's right. What a fucking flex. I know. But there's always just been something about her. You know who's doing Evita tonight? Young Bernice King. Come on, Bernie, get in here. You said what? What?
How does that even happen? Georgia Grose. How do you know the King family and get them to support your theater company and then probably sell out your shows? Yeah. But that's her big Georgia connection. Well, she's from there, but that's the thing. When I read that, I was like, that's crazy because I think of her as being so much different of an era. You know what I mean? Yes. Oh, but that's actually not that separated. Just so...
There's obviously a lot of multi-talented people today, but she's just quintessential. Anything you see her, I've never seen her do something poorly. I recently saw her in that newer Netflix movie. It's about the world ending or something. And even there, we're kind of supposed to hate her.
I'm like, I'm still obsessed. I love her. And you know what we don't have? There's two things that God is not making more of. That's land and movie stars. And movie stars. We don't have movie stars anymore, baby. It's over. We got some new, very talented people. But like Julia Roberts. So in the South...
I wouldn't call Kansas City the South, but I feel like there's a lot of overlap with how y'all think about things. Yeah. In the South, everybody can do a little bit of everything. Mm-hmm. Like...
In the South, you will find somebody who can act, sing, dance, probably braid hair and make a mean, you know. Something. Stripping grits. Like you can kind of do a little bit of everything. And I've been finding like I moved here about two years ago or a year and a half ago. And I meet somebody who's like, well, I can style you, but I can't do this thing. And I'm like.
I need a one-stop shop. Yeah, you need to be able to do it all for me. So she's somebody that reminds me of that time in life where it was like it wasn't just enough to do, like, you know, you get that. You need to be a stand-up. You need to be a podcaster. You need to make the reels. You need to also write and do movie credit. If you want to be getting ahead in entertainment right now, if you want to survive and pay your bills reliably, you have to have seven careers.
Seven. You have to have... And you can't even really be above sex work. No. You're like, I got to keep this in my back pocket. It's always got to be there. It's going to be under the bed, but I might have to look under that, see that boogeyman every now and then. Just to see what's going on down there. Just to see. Yeah, you have to have your writing for others, your writing for yourself, you have to have stand-up, you have to have podcasting, or if it's not stand-up, you have to have live performance of some kind, you have to have ticket sales. And if that doesn't work, have a baby. Have a baby. You in a whole new market with that shit. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.
Is that why you guys had a kid? You're like, we need content. It's not not why we had... No, no, no. We love her dearly, but I will definitely say, and this is probably, hopefully this will be my most cringiest comment. I would definitely say that
Because you're in a new market, your net worth will double when you have a kid. It's a whole new people to talk to, yeah. You can do maternity. You can do mommy and me. You can do workshops. I try to still have as much of my career as I can, but once I see that kid, they're like, I just want to follow the journey. Yeah, they're just in. They're in. Well, it's really just...
It's really just adding to your story. We all do that. It's like getting into a new relationship and talking about it on stage or whatever. Right, it's that. When your life is changing and you have fans that are invested, it's going to bring in new people who want to be invested as well. That's just normal. That's normal. And I'm going to try to have a kid. I've actually tried several times to adopt a kid. Really? Just for content. Just for content. I need to stop saying that on the application. Right. Because they say, what's your plan for the kid? And I go, TikTok. TikTok. TikTok.
Hello? That should be a legit answer at this point. They're going to dance. There's money in there. Yes, there's always money at the TikTok stand. They're going to be big. This kid's going to be break dancing at the grocery store, and I'm going to be... You know the JonBenet Ramsey's parents thought that. Like, okay, we need to come up and quit.
And it worked out. It worked out for a minute. Until it didn't. Until it didn't. It worked out until it didn't. But the publicity is still there. The publicity to this day. Every now and then I'll meet a Gen Zer that's like, who the fuck is JonBenet Ramsey? I'm like, this country is going to hell in a handbasket. What do you mean you don't know who JonBenet Ramsey is? America's sweetheart. America.
You don't know America's sweetheart? And you don't know her brother? I-Spice is currently America's sweetheart, but... Now, I-Spice will already have me a little bit, but being in that Chiefs box at the Super Bowl, she'll always have me for that. What's the most rare... I mean... Because I love a bit. So I'm like, okay, what...
Who orchestrated all this? Who got this to happen? What contracts were signed? Yeah. Sure, it's true love. But what team of people that were like, we got to get Travis. We got to get Taylor. We got to mic everybody. Got to get Blake Lively. Let's get Spice in there. Blake Lively. Blake Lively and Curls. This is a production. Who put this together? Did you see the Ice Spice brought that really hot music producer guy with her? And now she's having to clarify online that he's not gay. Yeah.
And I get it. I didn't see him. Oh, I saw him. Do we got chance? And I took notice. Oh, was that her date? You can't really see him in the picture that Chance appointed. Oh my God, he's gorgeous. He is. There's a picture of all of them afterwards. But he is very gorgeous. He's not gay? I need him like I need oxygen. Yes. When she said he's not into guys. He's giving kind of that Justin Timberlake. Look at him. But like...
it wasn't stolen. That's his aesthetic. Yeah, he's beautiful. And he's cool. But yeah, once she was in that box for the Super Bowl, I was like, I'm full in now. And I kind of can't stop winning because Beyonce put out a country song. She did. Okay, can we talk about that for a few seconds? Go ahead.
I love Beyonce. I listen to both songs. I saw Renaissance in Paris, okay? I'm a part of the high. You're in it. I do think it's a little trifling that she dropped those songs on Usher's Night.
Oh. A little bit. Because here's the thing. I never considered this. Just hear me out for a second. I'm hearing you. You do not get paid to do the Super Bowl. You are paid through exposure. So you have to pay everyone from the makeup artists to the dancers to the, and what comes back to you is everybody streaming your shit the next day. Yeah. That's the biggest perk of doing, that's the biggest perk of doing all the rehearsals, all the things, going on stage, things going wrong, putting yourself out there. That is the biggest perk.
So for everybody to supposedly be dropping your music the next day and nobody did that, everybody streamed. I'm not going to say nobody did it, but I was ready to stream. You got it bad and caught up the next day. I was ready to have my Usher moment the next day. Didn't have it. Yeah.
You did. I listened to Texas Hold'em and 16 Carriages, and I had to be on my mom's shit. This is me driving to the job I don't have. I work for myself. But you're in the minivan going to school and going to work. Yes, because I only got time for two songs, and they weren't Usher songs the next day. Damn. You don't think that's a little messed up? I love that you could have made a different choice, but you're blaming it on Beyonce. I love that. I love that.
I love that you're like, you know what's fucked up with Beyonce is what I did the next day. It was what I did. Well, because I knew I fell victim to it. I was like, I'm trash. I was like, why am I not listening to Usher right now? My hand was forced. You see what I'm saying? I didn't have a choice. I didn't have a choice. There's a new hot thing I need to be up on. On tonight. I'm with you. I didn't listen to Usher the next day. Somebody at a party the other day was like, no, Usher dropped a full album. You didn't know? I was like, no. That's tough. How was I going to know? That's tough. I will say Usher's halftime show to me,
understood the assignment. Me too. We're so back on halftime shows. He brought out the right guests. He did. He knew the energy. I would say it was a little busy. It was a little chaotic at the top of the number. Yes. And that's, it's Vegas, baby. Yeah, we're doing Vegas. But I remember thinking like, where are my eyes supposed to be looking right now? Because I'm seeing acrobats. I'm seeing pole work. And now, us is on roller skates. I was like, you know, like they kept the eye moving. But yeah, that reminded me of like,
Oh, Alicia. You know they've been cooking her online. They love to cook her online. They put an apple in her mouth and threw her on the pit. On the spit. I'm telling you. And just turned. They do that to her, though. She can't win with these people. Now, here's the thing about Alicia. Did you hear that first note that she tried? Of course I heard it. Okay. There's an edit of her doing it right, which is like, I now trust nothing. Nothing can be trusted if y'all already have an edit of you doing it correctly. They do that stuff. They edit it out.
when, I hate to bring it up, but Joe Coy, when he bombed at that award show, they put up, they piped in laughter and stuff. Wow. Which I'm like, all love to Joe. Do your thing, brother. But like piping in laughter is crazy. Piping in laughter is crazy. I, I, but I, I'm going to be a little hard on Alicia because like,
She cracked on... What was the song? Some People Want It All? She didn't have to sing that. Yeah. You don't sing that with Usher. Yeah. You could have sang any song that let us know, oh, Alicia's on the keys tonight. Yeah. You could have sang No One. You could have sang Fallen. No One. You could have...
You could have just done the, I just want you, and then my boo. Right. But you chose to sing that song. Yeah. And you cracked. So we're like, choices were made. You have a very anti-black woman agenda today. You came in here with one thing on your mind. One thing on my mind. You're so...
But I streamed Beyonce's songs. Yeah. And I did. Yeah, I did. I have fully uplifted Julia Roberts and shat on Alicia. It's not looking good. And you're putting me in a tough spot. I am. What am I supposed to do? I think my hand was forced today already. My mouth was forced.
And I love it. I love Alicia. I really do. But I remember thinking, like, you didn't have to choose that song. Well, I'm going to say something controversial. If you're ready for that. I'm ready. And it involves Alicia and it involves Pam Anderson. The no makeup trend. Oh. Are you not a fan? Look, I... Everybody should do what makes them happy and comfortable. I'm happy for everyone.
We all look a little better when things are done up. Here's the deal. I'm not going on... I'm not going anywhere that there's professional-grade cameras without makeup, except for this show. Okay, but a carpet? I'm getting the makeup done. A carpet. I just... There's something...
revolutionary about it, but you can't even do that until you've made it. Like, over-made it. Yeah. So I do like the notion that, like, I've made it. Why would I... Why would I do a concealer for you girls tonight? Yeah. You're gonna eat up whatever I put on. It's kind of like that... Remember that...
that night that Lana Del Rey wore like a dress from Forever 21 on the red carpet and I was like yeah fuck em you know how I can tell that I didn't have a very good take about the makeup thing is you changed my mind without even trying you were like yeah but they made it and it's kind of revolutionary and literally in my heart I was like she's so right yeah like Pam took a lot of heat for years so I'm like you know what just be barefaced can I just say one thing though
Can I just say one thing? I love Pam Anderson. And I am team everyone leave her the fuck alone. What she went through in the media was horrible her whole career. But specifically with the no makeup thing, when people go, she looks just as beautiful either way. Must we lie? Must we lie? You know what I feel that way about, though? I feel not so much no makeup. I feel that way. This will probably be my worst take as well about the no bra era.
Because only some girls get to do that shit. But when you got postpartum titties, you can't be no bra. They will eat you alive. But when you got two little bee stings, they're like, ah, and she went braless. Just a little Emma Stone titties. Let me pull some boulders out. Let me show what a mother's breasts look like. There's a difference between titties and breasts. Like a bosom.
Like, it's a no bosom. These give life. These give life, okay? I feel like it's like if I went to the red carpet and I wore what I wear around the house. When I'm around the house just watching TV, I literally wear Target women's gauchos and a stained old improv t-shirt from college. If I wore that on the carpet and people are like, he looks just as good as he would in a suit, I'm like...
No, I don't. No, I don't. I'm comfortable and I deserve to do whatever I want, but we don't need to lie. No, Alicia doesn't look as good as she would look in makeup. But she's also wearing something. Like, she's not going to... That's the other thing. She's not going full bald. She's not going to convince me that there's nothing on. There's some dewiness. Yeah. Yeah, there's things happening over there. Like, her makeup artist is in the back like...
It's funny how she has on no makeup. Makeup free, huh? Yeah, like, say that to the two hours I spent working on that mug before. Truly. To make every freckle look. Yeah, something's being done. Something's being done. Yeah, but Pam, I do think Pam has been going nothing but. I think, hey, I'll tell you what. I believe Pam. I believe Pam.
I believe there's no makeup in the look. I do believe that. She's doing her thing, and I see it. Yeah, but it's also just like, okay, but at this point, girl, you've got your titties done, you've got your butt done, you've got your teeth done, but sure, no makeup. Let's be natural. Amber. You're trying to sell us that everything is natural, and that's the lie. Amber, let me say something. You said it, not me. Hey, we need you. We got voicemails from the listeners. Oh, I'm excited for this. And I know you're going to love this. Hi. So...
I just have to step away from my 9 to 5 here to smoke a full joint and ask this. Can we know the truth about astrology, babe? I want to believe the stars are true, but can we depend on them? Let me know. Please. Do your research. Can't wait to hear the results.
Um, talk to you later. Bye. Now, before we start recording, what did I tell you about my fans? Homosexuals who can't stop doing drugs. I literally stepped away from the nine to five to smoke a joint to ask this question. What do you think about astrology? I just can't. I'm with you. I'm with you. I'm like, so you mean to tell me the date and time that my parents were fucking is why I have an attitude today? Like, that can't be right. That's why I'm having a bad Tuesday? That's why I'm having, like, or I just hate, because I used to work at a yoga studio. Uh-huh.
So I was in the minority even further because I wasn't into astrology. So everybody was constantly, you know, just sharing about their big three. And it's like, well, you could come in and be like, oh, I just had such a shitty day. They're like, wait, Sagittarius? I'm like, no, let me tell you what happened. So I was taking out my ticket to get on the bus. No, wait.
What time were you born? You're like, stop. Let me finish the story. Yeah. But they're just guessing and they're excusing certain behaviors because of charts. So I can't get with... I pretend like I'm doing it, especially if somebody's doing my nails and they're like, girl, look at this. You're such a cancer. And I'm like, I'm not, but...
you're doing a good job. So I don't want to, I don't want to ruin it. Total cancer, total cancer, whatever you need. Total cancer by this nail. LA has started to get to me though. I've never, I don't really still, even to this day, like I don't, I don't disbelieve in astrology. I just am like, I don't, it doesn't do much for me, but I have started to be like,
Like, my friend was fucking with a 26-year-old guy, and she was 29, 30. And she was having, like, issues with it. And I was like, and I legitimately, impulsively, without, just because I've been in L.A. for long enough, I was like, he hasn't been in it. He hasn't entered his Saturn return yet, babe. And I meant it.
You know what I mean? You meant it. I meant it. You weren't just like, bullshit. No, I really meant it. It just came to me because it was like, that's a thing I can say. You know what I mean? Yes, it is. And I felt it when I was doing it, but do I believe it deep in my core? I don't really know. I will say the most compelling argument I get from astrology people is if the moon has the power to direct the ocean, which it does, it affects the tide, how could it not affect us? Okay. That's the best argument I've heard for it. I can get down with that. Yeah. And I can get down with...
suggestions and fun and people liking to know like this is gonna sound mean I think sometimes people just like to feel special you know what I mean so across the board across the board so people like having like but this one thing about me is that I'm like Leo rising cancer falling yeah you know whatever they are yeah and they like having like this is my specific thing that's that's it's and it's my personality type yeah but
I'm like, okay, but what do you do for fun? What do you like to eat? How do you like to spend your time? And they're like, well, you know, I'm a Leo. I'm a Leo, so you know me. But I don't, actually. I don't know you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I think there's something about it that makes you feel like, oh, I got a shout out. Because it's so easy to get, if I'm a DJ and I'm at the party. This is me DJing the party. And I'm like, where are my Scorpios at? You're just like, oh, I got that to me.
I'm special. Now, what is your sign? I'm a Pisces. So I don't know anything about that, but I'll be fascinated to see what the listeners think of this because I guarantee you there's going to be some people that go, a Pisces would feel that way. A Pisces would be a non-believer. This all makes sense for a Pisces. I don't know. Hey, guys, if you want to hear that next part, go over to the Patreon and subscribe to get the bonus content. That's shady boots. Like, you'll start dating somebody new and they're like, I wouldn't have picked that person for you. And you're like...
What does that mean? That's often me. I will say, if anyone I've ever met, I'm the most honest about my friends' relationships. Yeah. Well, I mean, you know who I'm married to. So, like, I... You were the friend that did that to me a lot. So what would you have said? So I just came home from...
A date with this kooky, nerdy white dude. Yeah. He looks opposite from me. Yeah. We vibe on different things, but we vibe. So I'm going to bring him over to meet you. And you would say? If I met Ben, I would have been into it. I would have approved. Oh, yeah. Okay. Because Ben has a good vibe. It's clear that y'all have fun together. Y'all like each other. Y'all have a lot of the same interests. Y'all are into like, and I don't want to use the wrong term or anything, but like science fiction type stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like that kind of thing. The wrong term.
Because I'm like, I know in the community there's probably like different delineations, but y'all do like Comic-Con and stuff, right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, like, yeah. He would definitely be like, it's speculative. That's exactly what I'm talking about. He would correct me. But no, y'all have a lot of shared interests. He's a nice guy. He has a lot of respect for you. He talks about you very positively. Y'all very clearly have an energy. I thought you meant that for like the, you know, like the fit and the vibe and the.
you know, no, I'm down with anything. I'm very open. I don't have a hang up about really like I have friends who will definitely be like, he's too ugly for you or whatever. That's never my thing. My thing. And that wouldn't be been either been so cute. But my thing is me and Ben clearly going to hook up soon. My thing is way more just like vibe based. If they don't get in, if they don't get on with the friend group pretty much immediately, I'm like, they need to go. That's, that's intense. Okay. So let's say like your friends dating somebody for a while, like give me, you don't have to name them, but like, give me like,
this was a time where I just knew this person wasn't going to last. I, it would be easier to give you times that I didn't feel that. I, I, it's so rare that, cause my friends are so special. My friends are such special, beautiful, wonderful. I have some, I have my, I'm friends with the best people in the world. Yeah. Nicest, smartest, funniest people. I only attract good people in my life, you know?
And I only retain good people. And I'm very proud of that. The thing that I think most is true about my life is that I'm very lucky with people. So to be on the level of deserving to be with one of my friends is like, it's like rarer than being an Olympic athlete. It's like you have to be so special. Okay, so they're going to fuck up just like. I'm not mean, but I'm like, yeah, if you come around. So you're the standards friend. That's what they call it. For sure. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, if you're boring or if you're mean, if you, if, if I'm boring, I'm with you. Boring or mean. Like I've had, I've had friends bring people around that were just straight up not nice to them. And I'm like, y'all are brand new to this and they're not nice to you. Oh yeah. That's, that's a tough go of it. Yeah. Or I've had a situation where I brought Ben around and realized that my friend was the problem. Yeah. Like I've had a friend be like, he's not going to take our photo. Like,
He'll pop up. Let's say I'm having brunch with the girls. And he's like, I just want to come by and say hi to your friends. And I'll just keep walking the dog. And then one of my friends was like, well, we want to take a group photo. You're not going to take it? And he was like, I'll take it if you ask. What is this weird? What is this antagonistic? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And of course, he takes a shit photo because it's Ben.
It's blurry, you know, all of that. It's like from too far off. It's like kind of tilted. The one friend of mine who's no longer my friend, who's like the standard friend was like, wow, this is who we're dating? You know, like, and you're like,
Maybe it's my friend that sucks. See, that's weirdo energy. Your friends are great. That's weirdo energy. That's like being persnickety and meticulous about things that don't matter. Like he didn't know that you wanted him to take a picture. My stuff is very like, I'm infallible. You know, I don't make mistakes. Of course not. When other people do things, it's very different than the way I do them. Of course. My weird little things are actually justified
viable right yeah what's something that a guy has done that you were like get him out of here security to me like like a guy that your friend was dating or oh a person that my friend was dating um you gotta understand i'm mostly friends with lesbians so it's it's or yeah it can
It could be a person. It could be a girl. I'm in the unfortunate position of being anti a lot of women. Um, we love lesbians. Oh, we love lesbians. Which, which person got the boot from you? You were like, no, people get the boot from me pretty often. Here's the thing. People in, in all aspects of my life, people get the boot from me quickly. People get the approval from me quickly. I'm quick to make up my mind. My mind has been changed before. It's rare. My mind has been changed before. Uh,
We're very similar in that way. Yeah, I know. I'm like me and you both. I think we're like within seconds, within seconds of meeting you. I was like, I love this person. Yes. You know? Same. Yes. I mean, I had to give somebody a chop yesterday. Like I will chop your, I'm not afraid to have a difficult conversation with you. Conflict is not a big deal. Right. Happy to have it. It's like, I got to walk out of the room.
because I hear her voice and I already know. I was like, I'm about to cook her ass like I cook your ass. She's got to go. And here's the thing. If you ever came for me, I'd listen. A lot of people came for me, I'd be like, I don't really care. If you came for me because you have taste and I trust your perspective. Thank you. Oh, and my best friends will...
lay one on me when they're like, you know you're wrong, right? Let me tell you why. And I would listen. I would listen, yeah. But this person was like, you gotta go. Yeah, or I will say, if it's something, there have definitely been times where someone has brought conflict to me, like they've needed to check me, like a friend that I would normally let check me. And if sometimes those things just, they brush up against you in a way that like they touch your stuff in such a way that
Do you know hedgehog theory? No. Have you ever heard of this? There's this theory. I don't even remember who coined it, but there's this thing called hedgehog theory. It's interchangeable with porcupine theory. But what it is is like human beings have a- Oh, the famous porcupine theory. You know, come on. Happy. Human beings are like porcupines or hedgehogs in the cold. We have a desire to be close together, to share warmth, to survive. We need to be close to other people, but we all have thorns.
Like, we all have prickly things that, like, poke up against. So the question is how close can you get before you start hurting the other person and how do you maneuver to continue to come closer and share warmth without continuing to hurt each other? It's inevitable that if you do it in certain ways, you will prick people. Of course. But how do you figure it out, right? There are times that someone has come to me with conflict that it has –
poked my particular things and I won't accept the the thing that I needed to be checked on right away but the thing I will always do is process it a little bit and come back and be like hey when I ignored you and treated you crazy I was wrong
I took a day and that was my bad. Hey guys, if you want to hear that next part, go over to the Patreon and subscribe to get the bonus content. Now this has become a therapy session. Yeah. You're a standup. Thank you. You've done many. I don't know if you noticed or not, but you're a standup. Yeah. You've done, I'm sure every kind of gig from corporate stuff to festival stuff to your own stuff.
Has no one ever asked you to run a set? Just a couple of jokes. Just be like, give us a feel for how it's going to go. And you can say, okay, I'm going to do five minutes of crowd work here. Here's the deal. Yes, people have asked me that. And I have said, if I was in the person...
the person that you're talking about's position, I might have also said no. Because I have very strict boundaries about the way I want to do things. But number one, I wouldn't have asked to be on someone else's show. I'm not in that position. And number two, I would have just said no and if they let me go, I would have been like, absolutely, we're clearly not on the same page. The condescending... I've been to your show. Yeah. I paid to come to your show and sat in the front row. So you wouldn't need a...
A mini audition, if you will. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, but you know my work. But I know your work. And I would weigh that in, right? The thing about... I say no to a lot of things. I think no... I almost start from no in my career. Yes. Not in collaboration. In collaboration, I start from yes. But when it comes to opportunities, I almost start from no because I'm like, this is the only power in an industry that...
by and large doesn't respect marginalized voices, doesn't respect queer people or people of color or women, doesn't respect us, doesn't want to give us what we want and treat us how we want to be treated. The only power I have is no. And so I pretty much start from no, but I'm comfortable with the consequences. Right.
And I never prove someone right. I'll never, if someone lets me go with the consequence, Oh, I've been let go. I've been rejected. I've been told no, but you gotta be able to like, you can't argue with the consequences. Like which one is it? Yeah. If some, if I was in that person's shoes and the exact same thing had happened and you let me go, I'd have been like, absolutely. I know it's going to be a great show. Would love to do something in the future. So you wouldn't hit me with that. Well, you're just used to being around people that don't challenge your authority and you
Like, it was that. It was like, you're just used to people that don't ask you clarifying questions. So that's why I'm being let go. Also, by the way, on the challenging authority of it all, it's like, there are times when my authority can be challenged. But when I'm running a show that I'm headlining, not the time and certainly not your place. You know what I mean? Like, that's crazy. Crazy.
Something that I'm interested in about your trajectory is that you and I met doing stage stuff in Chicago. At the time, I wasn't doing the internet in any meaningful way. Neither were you. We were learning to be on the stage in Chicago, and that was like our training, right? Yeah. And then you get on the internet, and you blow up doing your funny videos. And we were talking a little bit before the mics and cameras were on, I think, about...
Like you are such a trying to convey nuance to your audience, right? Because you're a sexual person. You're a person who has, yes, a husband and a kid, but a person who also is very like open about different parts of your life. You're also you and Ben talk a lot about being in an interracial relationship. How do you balance kind of like trying to convey all these nuanced parts of yourself while also staying true to like a brand or an avenue or whatever? What does that mean to you?
Yeah, that's difficult. I just have to keep reminding myself because the internet has a way of making you think like, well, we love this thing that you do. Your one thing, yeah. Yeah, like keep doing just this one thing. Like you sing to your plants. Like we're only going to put those videos out. But I...
I just had to get to the point where I'm like, if it makes me laugh and it feels authentic to me, there's no way this isn't going to find who in the world that it should find. Like, I really decided one day, like, if I wear it, it's sexy. If I eat it, it's delicious. Like, so, you know, if I laugh at this, like, it's funny. You ever told a joke on stage where you're like, only I'm going to think this is funny. I know nobody else is going to get this, but I'm still going to do this for me. And then everybody thinks it's hilarious. And so I think I just...
have to keep that going on the internet because a lot of the principles that we learned on the stage just translate so well on the internet to me. Like, like just like starting in the middle of a scene when it comes to improv. Like I, like I'll watch a video and I'm like, why is this person starting? Like, okay, so let me tell y'all about what I did today. I'm like, just start the day. And then I was like, Oh, I'm just going to edit like that. You know, like you just use a lot of that same. I think Ben and I work so well is because we,
Improv taught me like, oh, there's a straight man and then there's like protect the freak or there's a monster or whatever, a dramatic character. I'm like, we just got to do that in our house. And then some days you can be the crazy person and I'm the straight man and like somebody is going to be team you or team her. But that's like that's just all just improv principles just taught me that, you know? Yeah.
Now, the internet will definitely, like, slap my wrist if I, like, have a sex toy in the back of a video. Like, that's the stuff I just, I'm like, I gotta get, what do they call it, like a gaffe for somebody? Like, to get in here and, like, take some stuff off the set. Yeah. Because I'll get a flag just because, like...
I wasn't wearing a bra, but I had a top, you know, I was, I was, I was cracking the girls earlier for no bra, but like if I'm in the bed, like, so the internet taught me like, no, you have to put a bra on and a shirt on if you want to like record. Yeah. If you want to put out content, you better put that bra on. Isn't that ridiculous? Or one time, um, the baby was like in the back of a video just with a pamper on, no shirt, no pants. And that video was like flagged for like child. And I was like, what? And I was like, oh,
Oh my God. Like, it's just that little stuff that, that's hard to like, you kind of need a team at some point, but.
That stuff is still like, you know what? Sue me. Like my kids walking around shirtless, like everybody's kids walking around shirtless. Like I think those, those like funny mistakes are why people like love the content too. Yeah. There's a lot of the like algorithm stuff now with the social media apps. Like that's actually on the more defensible end that I can kind of understand. I hate that it triggered a thing for your video, but like, okay, we want to protect children and things like that. Okay. That, that I can like see the defense for and get on board with.
But I really am raging lately against all these fucking apps being geared towards like children now. Yeah. You've got grown ass people talking about sex and being like me and my husband were having sexy time. Yeah. I'm going to unalive myself. I'm like, whatever happened to suicide? Whatever happened to I was fucking my boyfriend? Yeah. You know, bring back suicide. Bring back fucking your boyfriend. Right. Like, why can't you just say that? But I, I think TikTok specifically is, yeah,
is the warden with that. So I sometimes have been using that to my advantage. But Insta too though. I'll start a video and then cut it and be like, y'all know I can't show the rest of this. Go follow over here. Like I'm just going to be like,
And then TikTok's like, I know what you're doing. We're not going to heat this video. But sometimes I'll just like play that advantage to it. Or like I'll bleep out the mouth. I'll bleep out the subtitles. And I'm like, if you want to see what they said, go over here. Yeah. Like just like if you're going to stop me from doing it, like how can I like use that interest to...
to get you somewhere else. Yeah, even like Insta stories and stuff too though. I'm just so bored of like, look, when Bad Bunny posted the pics of him in the bathtub, did y'all see those? I didn't see those. When he posted that and I shared it to my story and said, if he doesn't take this down, I'm going to kill myself. Don't take that down. I'm not really going to kill myself. Or like when I want to call somebody a faggot, I would rather homophobes be able to call me a faggot than me not be able to say faggot jokingly. I'm like, just let us talk. Oh, the worst is when I see a black creator because y'all know as faggots,
Women. I'm like, oh my God. Yes. You have to whisper it. Like, I'm like, what? I just don't like find a creative way to say like,
Like, I'm immediately taken out of the story when the TikTok language starts. Yeah. Which sucks. Yeah. Sexy time. I'm sorry. But that actually, speaking of suicide, makes me suicidal. Watching grown up, like adults who really pay bills and taxes. Yeah. Talking like a 12 year old to try and get the video to do better. There's also so many euphemisms that you could use. Yeah. Like.
When we were... What is good... Like, knocking boots is not a fun one, but you know. I kind of like knocking boots. Bumping uglies. Yes, bumping. When we were bumping and munching and pumping, like, we had a good time. We got the bad bunny pics. Now, these... Show us the legs, Chance. Okay, Miss Girl. It might be covered up in some of them. Show us... Oh, yeah. So he just...
Oh, he's so attractive. Bad Bunny, if you're listening, and I'm sure that you are, I need you. I need you like I need oxygen, brother. Give me a call. I need to talk to you bad. He's posting full thigh crotch in the bathtub. I need to be able to post about suicidal ideation at these times. And these trying times. Oh! Yes, honey. The little leg tattoos. I'm sorry. I'm going to cry because that's like... He's so hot. I just...
That'll get you out of bed in the morning. It'll get me into bed. Get in and out of bed. If I need a reason to start my day, wow. I need him in a way that could not ever honor God. At this point, even guys, I did that. Yes. I made that. I need Bad Bunny. Handcrafted. And I know I'm not unique. Everybody wants Bad Bunny, but I need him in a way that other girls don't understand. Even his bubbles are bubbling in ways that my bubble bath don't bubble. Yes.
Yeah. We don't have access to that. We don't have access to those shiny bubbles. People like me and you don't get bubbles like that. We don't get those bubbles. Wow. Oh man, I would do anything. He knew he was, he knew he was, you know how you like, oh, you knew what you were doing. I've talked about Bad Bunny now on two episodes. I need to relax, but. Obsessed. Oh, I, hey. Capital B bad. Now I've got an opportunity for you to make some money here today. Oh. Now, did you know that was coming?
I mean, if I got to take my shirt off, we got to do what we got to do. And that's opportunity number two. But opportunity number one is I have a true-false segment for you. What I'm going to do is I'm going to read you 15 statements. You're going to tell me as quickly as you can if you think they're true or false. And if you get more than 10 correct, I'm going to give you $50 U.S. And that's real $50 U.S.,
Okay. Okay, here we go. These are actual facts. This is not my opinion. Like barbecue. These are statements. Yeah, these are statements, and there is a true or false. There's a definitive answer. Okay. Okay. Quick as you can. Here we go. Albertson, Georgia is the granite capital of the world. True. True. The first computer mouse was made of metal. False. False. It was made of wood. Barack Obama is 5'11". True. False. He's 6'2". The word yoga comes from Sanskrit, and it means heel. False. False. It's union. My girl. Snails have teeth.
False. True. The longest anyone has held their breath underwater is 24 minutes and 37 seconds. False. True. The last letter added to the English language was Z. The last letter? Added to the English language was Z. True. False. J. The game Monopoly was invented by a woman. True. True. Feminism victory. Footloops are all the same flavor. True. True. Dua Lipa has gone skydiving over a dozen times. False. False. WhatsApp started as a dog walking app.
False. False. Batman versus Superman came out in 2021. False. False. 2016. Some jellyfish are immortal. That's so insane. True. CTA stands for Chicago transit transport authority. Well, false. Yeah. It's Chicago transit authority. A real Chicago and can't lie. Australia is whiter than the moon. Whiter, whiter, uh,
I would have had you in the first iteration of it. But let me see. Wider than the moon. Australia's wider than the moon. False. True. How much you get? Let's go! Oh, my God! Did I really? Oh, I was losing hope. $50 coming your way, baby. What are you going to spend it on? Oh, my God. I'm going to buy a new pair of tits. So I can be brawless like the girls. Please don't get the $50 tits.
Please save up. Get the $100 titties. That's got to get me like a nipple or something. Something. What can you do for 50? Something. What can y'all do me for... I think for 50, they can't even get you a good bra, right? No. I think they're pretty... Wait, I have to talk about the moon. Australia is wider, like landmass from start to finish than the moon? Did that end up being true? That's true. Yeah. So it's a little landmass, like square footage. The moon is much bigger. But if you were to just take the diameter... The diameter. ...of the moon and the diameter...
and the diameter of Australia, Australia is technically wider. Wow. Not three-dimensional. Of course, of course. You believe that? Crazy. That is crazy. Amber, I have to ask you a very important question. Yes. What is something that is so true to you? I got to break this all the way down. Come on. I came with three, but we're going to start with my top one. I came with three, but we're doing top one. Let's go. I'm so excited. When it comes to desserts... Yes.
A quintessential 10 out of 10 dessert for me will have three elements. Okay. Hot. Yes. Some sort of heat. Yes. A cold. Yes. And a crunch. Explain more. So a skillet cookie for me is a perfect dessert. Wow. You have the heat of the cookie. Yeah. The cold of the ice cream. Yes. And the crunch of the cookie. Wow. I need all of those elements for a good dessert. Must have. Yes. So even if you can't get the heat-
You got to serve an espresso. It has to be served with it. So you do like pumpkin pie with whipped cream, but then you need an espresso on the side. Yes. You're saying it just has to come. Or the heat can be a spice element. Okay. Does that make sense? Yes. It could be a spice of an apple or something. Yeah. Or I could do a good like...
a good key lime, but there needs to be some sort of heat element to it. Like, but I need the crunch of the crust. What's a dessert that fails this test so bad that you don't respect it? Uh, anything like, just like if they bring out like just lemon curd with
with something on the top. You know what I'm saying? A pudding isn't going to do it for me. Like a mousse won't do it. Even like a chocolate mousse sometimes. I'm like, I need those other elements. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yes, I'm with you. I feel like when most people name their favorite dessert, I'm like, where's the crunch? I love a creme brulee. You love a creme brulee. I love a creme brulee, but I don't love like a...
Just a swirl of like meringue and stuff. Would like it would like a fresh strawberry be enough crunch for you or do you need like a real crunch? I need a dry crunch. That's important. That's very important. That's very important. I'm with you. I will tell you about this time. This is going to make me sound very bougie, but I have to tell it because I'm dragging this person and this entity. Yeah.
I went to Paris in May. Come on. We went to an incredible five-star restaurant. Had the works. Great food, great sauces, great butters. You know, the French do their sauces and their onions and their things right. Yeah. So I'm super excited for dessert because the French do dessert. Yeah, they're supposed to. They bring out, wait for it, their white asparagus ice cream.
Now, asparagus were in season. Okay? So they thought they were going to get points from me for...
for somehow making vegetables into ice cream. No, ma'am. And I tasted it and my friend was like, but you gotta think about the nerve to do something this creative. I don't have to think about that at all. No. No. Don't get creative with me. Get that creme brulee out here stat. Now. So I need all of those elements for a dessert to be good. White asparagus ice cream is one of the craziest things I've ever heard. I
They should be burned in the state. I don't care what kind of bravery they were dealing with in the kitchen. Bottle it back up. You should be hung in town square. You should be killed in the town square. It's an abomination. For white asparagus ice cream. Veggie ice cream. That's crazy. L.A. restaurants are always trying to do something like that. I had a split pea ice cream once at an L.A. restaurant.
They're always trying to do something goofy with me. What are we doing? Every day we stray further from the Lord. If you don't be normal and make a pecan pie. Make a fucking pecan pie. Make a pecan pie. What am I, a fucking clown to you? Bring a pecan pie out here right now. Exactly. And I kind of need like a splash of something cold with it. Like if the, okay, the crunch is right. The heat is right. I just need something cold to flush it down. Yeah. Maybe a little iced tea, something. Pecan pie a la mode. Yes. Not a problem for me. Not a problem for me.
I'll go right in on that. It's not a problem. I bet if everything just had a crunch and heat and then a scoop of ice cream, I'm in heaven. What are your other two so-tros? I deeply feel, this one's not a big hot take, but I feel like Lorde, the singer, performer, Lorde crawled so Billie Eilish could run.
Because we've forgotten about her. Maybe it's her team. I don't know. But that weird whispery white girl thing was being done. We live in movies. Yes. That shit. There's a humming in the wrist. It's a humming. Like all of that. All of that. And then when Billy started with like the copycat and the bad guys, I was like, is this Lord? And somebody was like, no. And I was like, what do you mean?
I mean, no. Do you know what, though? Billie Eilish, I love Billie. I'm here for all of her. I love Billie. But I will say, you're so right, because I don't know if we hadn't had Lorde, I don't know if we could have all gotten on board with... We couldn't have gotten on board.
I've gotten on board with it. I'm sad again. Yes. That's the song. I feel similarly about like Baby Spice and Ariana Grande. Thank you. It's like this would not happen without that. That had to happen for this. Had to happen. Had to. Had to. Do you think there's someone like that for you? Who crawled so that you could walk? Oh, Issa Rae down. Oh my God. Issa Rae, Quinta Brunson. I hate when people are like, you can't just make stuff on the internet and then work backwards from there to become a part of the industry. I was like,
Some of us don't have a choice, by the way. Some of us don't have a choice. Like no one's going to take just like, I have an idea. So now I love that the landscape is like,
I have an idea. I kickstarted or funded it, seeded and sparked it. I made it. And now somebody picked it up. Like the gatekeeping is gone. So for me, those are those girls. Like I stand on their shoulders and can't wait to maybe work with them one day. Both amazing. I love them deeply. Quinta is a genius. Yes. Insecure to me is just one of the best TV shows ever.
ever made. Like, I just think the elements of Insecure, the writing, the depiction of friendship at that age in your life, the love letter that it is to Inglewood and L.A. in general, the fucking soundtrack. Like, Issa is just like, there's just no one like her. I mean, and did you see Awkward Black Girl, which was the web series? Yeah, bits and pieces. I mean, I, like,
like, it for me is better than Insecure. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel that strongly about it. Like, a true love letter to black girls. Like, that was that. And of course, you know, once HBO picked it up, they're like, you can't have a show on the air called Awkward Black Girl. Like, we gotta reach everybody. You know what I'm saying? But I...
Like that, seeing that progression, I love Insecure as well. But like just those shitty, stupid, funny jokes on Awkward Black Girl will like got me through college. Will always be your, yeah. Yes. Yeah, I agree. I'm with you. What's your other one? I had one more. What was it? Okay. So there are some things that I feel like should be crimes. Yeah. Especially when it comes to like friendships. Yeah.
These are my two big ones. I think it should be a crime to ask your friend to pick you up from the airport. Okay. Now, you and I are big disagreements on this. Go ahead. I'm not. I have... Especially now that I'm a parent. That's the thing, is your mother. Don't ask me to pick you up. I would sooner...
send you the uber money yeah but it is like especially getting to like lax maybe i'll pick you up from burbank if it's the first and if it's a family member yeah i will give you a an example that will have you on my side i can't wait to be one over it's the weekend of my wedding yeah i'm the bride it's my wedding stop now my mother's like i need you to go to the airport and pick some people up
And I was like, mother, I can't do that. She's like, well, your grandmother like flew in town. Like who's going to pick her up from the airport? And I'm like, somebody's got to Uber her. Cause I'm at the rehearsal. I'm still running around. Cause you know, this is...
you know, our baby Chicago budget at the time. So like, I'm putting all the centerpieces together. She's like, well, who's going to get your grandma from the airport? And I was like, this should be a rule. A serial killer. I don't care. Send anyone. I have things to do. So there almost reaches this point where people are like, I came in town to see you.
Like, why will you not be picking me up? Like, why will you not be escorting me to the thing? That won't work. And so I have... And I feel the same way about helping friends move. That's a whole nother...
You ain't even got how much time we got on the pod. I love you so much. Don't ask me to help you move. I'm going to strain my back. Why didn't you plan better? And they're never packed. When you go there, everything is still out. You haven't even packed so that I could easily help orchestrate. You haven't even decluttered. Yeah.
I can't help people move. Like, I'm out of that era of my life. I will say, helping people move is another thing. I'm always down if someone really needs it. I would sooner donate money to the movers. To the movers? I'll buy pizza. I'll buy pizza. I'd love to help unpack. And I'll send Ben over there to fetch them boxes, but I'm not helping you move. Like, I can't. We age out of that one. The airport thing for me is this. Now, there are extreme rare examples like the one you just mentioned where it's inappropriate to ask. Wedding is crazy. To me, any other time...
It is always okay to ask. It is always more than okay to say no. I don't mind someone asking. And if I can't, like if it's like LA, they need to be picked up at 5 p.m., I will say absolutely not. I wish you the best. That's two hours of your life. Three. I mean, that's crazy. But I will say – Well, what's going on where they can't just call a car? Here's the thing, though. If it's finances, I got the car. Specifically with LA. It's never finances for me. Right. Specifically with LA. Right.
It's LAXit, dude. It's LAXit. Fuck LAXit. LAX, if you're listening to this, god damn it. LAXit is the why did they do it? Why did they do that? LAXit makes no fucking sense. You have to walk to a bus that takes you to a new parking lot where you try to order an Uber. That's true. And then you get there. Now, people who haven't done LAXit, count your lucky fucking stars. Yeah.
I'll give you that. I'll give you a point there. You walk in to LA Exit. You get off the bus. If you even took the bus, sometimes it's literally easier to walk. I walked in the rain last time I landed. You walk to LA Exit and you get there and it's like one end of a two football links, two football fields length parking lot. You're correct. And they have every single entrance crosswalk blocked off to get over to where your car picks you up. So you have to walk
all the way down and around and then back to the end of the line to get your car. It's like the person who designed LAX, it literally would have excelled in Nazi Germany. They would have excelled in Hitler's Germany. They would have been high up in the Reich. Whoever designed LAX, it will be in hell and I'll see them there with a knife. I will kill them. - They're gonna be in a different circle than me. - I will kill them in hell. LAX is, so that's why I'll ask a friend sometimes. - Okay, so how do you feel about when you land in Kansas City?
I'll ask a friend there because it's easy. But also, usually I'm just asking a friend. So you're the bad friend in the group. I see where this is going. Yeah, but I'll... They're like, damn, K-Lo coming to town. Like, who's like... Can we draw straws? Who's going to pick him up? Like, no. Well, what's even crazier is usually somebody is borrowing my car in Kansas City because I keep a car at my house there. So usually what it is is whoever's borrowing my car, I ask them to come pick me up. I think that's fair. And then I'll drop them off and take my car back. I think that's fair. That is fair. But when I'm at...
home like just trying to keep my toddler alive and somebody's like girl I just landed can you scoop me like it's always like so you're in town for how long are you staying with me did we talk about this but I'm like can I just pay for you to come to my house because like getting that fucking car seat together and then the baby I'm like well let me go get the milk well let me go get the snacks well let me go yeah like you you will do so much better so even do the football field at LA exit with that
With a kid, it's so different. And also, you just touched on something that I absolutely fucking despise. One of my pet peeves is when people try to use cutesy language to change my opinion on something. Well, they go, well, they'll go, like, something like that. They'll be like, would it be, like, would it be the worst thing in the world if you just, like, dropped by and scooped me up? Yeah, yeah.
I'm like, don't try to be fucking Hallmark card cute with me about this. You're talking about a three-hour drive. Yes. They'll be like, yeah, I thought maybe we could just swing by the store on the way home. Meanwhile, they have two hours of grocery shopping to do. Swing by and scoop me up. When I land somewhere, I like to go to CVS because I probably forgot a toothbrush or some paste or something. It's like, well, I might need some stockings. It was colder in this city than I thought it would be. Whatever it is. So then I'm a part of like, at this point, I'm your fucking personal assistant. Yeah. I'm your chauffeur.
Swing by, hop on, scoop me. Now, I use these too, but when I do it again, it's very different. It's very different what I do. Now, when I do these, it's very different. I had a friend recently pick me up for the airport. She offered. She's like, oh, well, when y'all land, I'll just come get you. I was like,
Oh, you don't have to do that. You're going to sit in hours of traffic, whatever. And she was like, no, no, no, I got you. Of course, she gets there. She's like, oh, this is so fucking hard to get here. I was like, I don't want to hear none of this shit. Don't you keep that to yourselves. Because I tried to give you an out. We just flew so far with a screaming baby on a flight, and now you're not delighted to see me? No.
I told you you had to pick us up. I love you so much. Is there anything you want to promote before you go? When do we come out? Next, like, two or three weeks. Okay. So I would love if you listen to our podcast, Fly on the Wallen. I have a podcast with my husband, Ben. Our last name is Wallen. So Fly on the Wallen podcast drops weekly on Wednesdays. We do have a live show, but it'll be past. So hopefully the next city date will be coming soon. But, yeah, just listen to the podcast.
And follow me on Burr I am on Instagram. B-U-R-R underscore I am. Go follow Amber everywhere. I love you so much. Thank you so much. I love you too. Thank you for having me. Hey guys, thanks so much for listening. Please like and subscribe on everything and leave reviews on Apple and all those places. You know what to do. Do all the things. Follow it everywhere. Also, please come see me live in person. I'm doing live shows as always.
I'm doing New York City on March 28th. March 29th, I'm in Washington, D.C. March 30th, I'm in Philadelphia. Oh, what else? April 1st, I'm in Chicago. April 5th, I'm in Nashville. April 9th, I'm in San Francisco. April 10th, I'm in Los Angeles. And this is the first time I'm saying these on here.
May 1st, I'm doing Houston. May 3rd, I'm doing Fort Worth. And May 4th, I'm doing Dallas. And on those three shows in Texas, I'm running my hour. Before I run my hour, May 6th in Los Angeles as part of Netflix is a joke at Hollywood Forever Cemetery. Spooky. So please go buy tickets and come out and see me. Love ya.