Deep Dive
Shownotes Transcript
♪ There goes my future ♪ ♪ My everything ♪ ♪ Baby ♪ - What was it, baby? ♪ Goodbye ♪ ♪ There goes my life ♪
Wait, you got Robin Williams to come to one of your shows? I didn't. It was Jenna Friedman and I happened to be in LA doing, I was trying to hook up with this guy I loved in college and I did the California's Funniest Female Contest. Like one of the ones where you absolutely pay to be in it and you have to drive to Long Beach, you know, and you get nothing. I was a semi-finalist and I'm not kidding, I think I was six months into comedy. Yeah.
Well, you're one of the funniest women. And they're like, get to Town Hall Pub now, which is the show that I ran with the Potterbaugh sisters that Jenna Freeman had passed down to us. They're like, Robin Williams is here. And I was like, I'm in L.A. trying to get laid. Terrible timing. Wait, where was the show? The show was in Chicago. It was in Boys Town at a place called Town Hall Pub, now defunct. Damn. So you missed out on Robbie. I did. Robbie Will. I got to be in the same room with him another time. Anywho, sorry I didn't mean to.
This show's about you, baby. I have a question for you. Speaking of hanging out after shows, are you sleeping with fans, yes or no? Absolutely not. No! Never? It's so dangerous. No, okay, I guess it's different, huh? Yeah. I guess it's different when it's gendered. I also, yeah, it is different, and I would just say short answer is...
Usually, a dude will come up to me afterwards, and it's more of like a nagging situation. Like, you're pretty funny. You're okay. I guess you were funny. And I'm like, do you think that's making me dripping wet? Or where did you think that was going to... How would that make me feel? You're like, okay. I've actually never been more moist. Right. And it's not even like a playing hard to get thing. I don't know. I don't... I just... I feel icky about...
hooking up with a fan. I don't want to be judgmental, but to me, it's like when a couple looks alike. I'm like, I envy the way you love yourself so loudly. You know, like, I can't imagine looking like someone I date. I just...
It's like I feel uncomfortable. So if somebody were like, you're my favorite comic, it's like, okay, I'm honored, but I don't want to sleep with you because you think you know me. And the truth is they do know quite a bit about me because I'm very forthcoming and honest. It's my life, for better or for worse, I'm going to say it probably into a mic. 100%? And I think so many people think comics lie. I can only speak for myself. I'm just not. It's really what's going on. Pretty much verbatim. That being said...
You don't really know me. You've just done the research. Yeah. So that's the strange part about it. You have a list of details. You don't have the intimate knowledge. So I got close maybe once. He was persistent. Well, one was a comic. Okay. So that doesn't really count. Name names. Why not? It's a safe space. I mean, me, is it? It was me.
It was me. It was me. It was me. It was me. But yeah, I got a little close. He was like a... I think he was a therapist or something and that feels sometimes safe. Although, you know, usually therapists, you know, want to fix themselves more than anything. I don't know. Oh, yeah. Usually they want to figure out what's happened to them. Here's what I was... I don't know if you've encountered this, but my friends who... I've had a number of friends throughout the years tell me like...
Oh, I think I would be a really good therapist. Oh, they're trying to figure out what they want to be. You know, usually their comedy's not going well or whatever. Something like that. And they're like, I think I'd be a really good therapist. The people who say that to me, I go, you would ruin people's fucking lives. You are not stable. It's starting to feel a little bit like, hmm, I don't know who he can trust to give us guidance. Not most therapists. I don't. Are you in therapy? I, you know, I go in waves. I will say there was a time in my life where I'd go like once every seven years and they'd be like, how are you? And I'd be like, eh.
Then I was damaged and I found one that I would say saved my life. It was like a somatic therapist. What is that? I know, but what if for those things? Yeah, I would just say the best way to describe it is, at least from my experience, because I'm sure there's all different kinds. But to me, it was sort of like you can do talk therapy all day. Yeah.
Any healing is obviously a multi-pronged approach or any health, you know? So I would just say, instead of just talking, there's also like physical touch. And then there's sort of like, in my experience, you go back through the more painful memories or events and that therapist you've grown to touch,
trust is with you and usually has a hand on you and has located probably where you keep the pain or where it comes. Like, a lot of mine was, like, in my throat. Yeah. Or, like, I would feel it in my heart, like, breaking, you know? Yeah. Sometimes here. Like, I touched my no-no place. Yeah, you really took my eyes straight to your...
Fucking, I keep a lot of trauma right in here. Yeah. What was that wrestling group that did that? D-Generation X. Yeah, I've got that D-Generation X. I did it so much. I did it so much as a kid. You were running around as a kid? Unbelievable amount of this. Unbelievable amount.
about. Oh, I love her. I would love to hang out with her. Yeah, I think I also had a tail made out of tape while I was doing it. You were wearing a tail? Masking tape tail. Masking tape tail. See, but this is why I don't understand why people think comics are making stuff up. It's like, that's who you were as a kid. Yeah. Imagine what the adult version is.
Yeah. We're coming up with weird stuff. Yeah, all the time. We're getting into weird situations. I guarantee, like, thank goodness we weren't, like, rich enough to have a camcorder. I mean, it's already cringe enough to see the stuff that my cousins picked up. Yeah. I'm just, like, I can't imagine. I'm just in the background, like, you know. My dad used to say I looked like Stitch from Lilo and Stitch, which is, like, so rude. What?
Just imagine that. And I was like so blonde. Yeah. Bright blonde. Just so curly. Anyway. So yeah, whatever. You sort of revisit the event with that sort of, I hate to use the term guardian angel, but that's what comes to mind. This person who is helping you through it and basically saying like, that's in the past. Yeah. We're here now.
you're in control like and you're safe now. And this worked for you? It did work for me. Good. I love that. I still have flashies, you know, there are times. Yeah, that's a kind of fun. That's a medical term. Complex PTSD. I have flashies. They just sound really cute. Sometimes it's while I'm driving. Um,
You know, I'll be daydreaming and it's like the images of something terrible will come into my mind. Yes. Yeah. So it's not like I'm cured. Right. But also like, I don't know. I went to a healing trauma program. I never went to it thinking this is going to fix me. I think it's just sort of like, it's a garden. Your mind is a garden. You have to weed it. So I went to therapy on my birthday last Tuesday and I felt so much better. Your birthday? Yeah. By the way. Yeah.
A big birthday. Yeah, yeah. A big birthday we had. Yeah. What'd you do? I was with my mom in Dayton, Ohio, and my sisters. We woke up and went to Blueberry Cafe, which is a new diner there. Dayton, Ohio. Hour and 15, wait. In Dayton? This is LA shit, in the sense that, like, don't you guys have jobs? And the answer is no, because it was mostly retired people, and that's when it clicked in. Yeah. But it used to be the Golden Nugget, and my sisters, like...
You never think you're going to have, like, an estrangement? I don't know if you have felt that in your family, but we sort of lost my sister. I'm sorry. I meant, like, sibling-wise. No. Parents actually don't count. Chance is laughing because the only option with a lot of my family was estrangement. Okay. Yeah, and siblings as well. Okay, siblings as well. God, I'm with you. I'm right there with you. Yeah, well, I guess you think it's never... I guess the sentence for me is, if it went so well for so long, I didn't think it was going to happen later in life. Yeah. So we sort of lost...
One of my sisters, you know... To what? What was the wedge? It was a... It's a man. That's... What does it, though? Yeah. Someone brings in a partner. This is how... I think this is the most common wedge in a good relationship, a great friendship, a great family relationship, is someone brings in a partner and everyone goes, they fucking suck. Yeah. And they go, no, actually, they're my person. Yeah. And then it's like, well, we can't... I can't do this. And I was like, well, I thought I knew you. I mean, I thought I knew you. Yeah, well... And I did say to her, I said, you know, like...
I want, if this is you now, I accept that. But I, and I'd love to get to know you. Yeah. But not much has happened. However, this was a little progress. She came, it was lovely. It felt like kind of old times because her and my sister, they're a little closer in age. My two older sisters were reminiscing about like those mornings where we'd go to golden nugget. I wasn't with them. And they would like smoke cigarettes inside in their cheerleading uniforms and order like
eggs and something for $2.95 and then go to school. And they were kind of like, I could see them reminiscing. I took this beautiful picture of them actually. Okay. And, you know, my mom's just sitting there laughing. She's this probably saddest, like sibling. Sure. That sucks. But when you lose a kid in that way, you're just like, okay, what was going, if you don't mind me asking, what was going on with the guy that made this such a wedge? What was the deal? Um, I would say first and foremost, um,
I actually have to decide if I'm going to put this in my next special because I have some jokes about it. She's very much like talk about whatever you want. Same with my dad. And they're the ones who actually create the most material for the most part. So I'm like, okay, all right. But she has a bit of a pattern. She'll like, this is her third husband. She'll like sort of get, do you want me to do the joke like we're on morning radio? Oh, for sure. Of course, that's what we want. Okay.
My sister has a bit of a pattern. Like, she'll get pregnant out of wedlock. And then my mom will say something like, you need to fix this. And I'm like, I'll drive you. And she's like, that's not what I meant. Drive you to the courthouse to get married. And then we have another wedding on our hands. Yeah. So very much it's like we meet a guy and we're trapped. Yeah. Like, he's trapped for sure. But, like, we're trapped as well with him via this child that's blooming. And so it's like...
And that's how it happened. This was the third guy. And again, genuinely no judgment. I think it's pretty cool actually to have different varieties of kids. Everybody's just doing the same thing over and over again. Let's kind of switch it up and see what else is out there for you in a different combo. Yeah. And this is her third. And we're all like fine with it. No one's like, oh, this is a mark on our family. It's like, who cares? We want you to be happy. Yeah. Like, we're all like,
But this she brought him like to Thanksgiving. So I just say first impressions were terrible and She already had a little one with the previous guy. He wasn't that old So it was like it's like two with the original guy then another guy and then all sudden that's over and now we have a new guy So it's like we're having a little whiplash. Let us ease into this as well. Yeah, like we care about you she's the type of person like me like if I'm a
Like, I introduced my boyfriend to my mom a couple weeks ago. We met up with my family. Your boyfriend. That's something to talk about, but keep going. And even though they've heard about him and they know he's coming and we've flown in, he walks into the house and I go, Mom, this is Adam. Yeah. I don't just walk in like... And he goes and sits somewhere and starts cussing. You know what I mean? I'm just like...
What is happening right now? Sits somewhere and starts cussing. Especially in front of my other sister's parents, who literally just walked out of Brendan Fraser's Blast for the Past. Yeah. And it's sort of like they're a little more uptight. And again, we're not like, how dare you cuss? But it's like, it's Thanksgiving. We've just met you. How about a, this is who I've been talking about and who is partly growing within me. You know? Well, he inseminated me. And now he's here and he's cursing. He also did the thing where...
I heard you're a comedian. And I, again, I'm already a little, we're not chilly. We're not rude people, but we've already been through enough. Like I would love an introduction and a nice to meet you. And then him trying to be a little endearing. I don't, I genuinely don't need you to kiss my butt. Yeah. Hey, you're Beth. Hannah had told me about you or whatever.
Care what we think. We're the family. Care what we think a little. Again, we don't need our butts kissed. Yeah. It's just, then he goes, uh, so I was a little like, what the hell's going on? And after dinner, I just went and watched Moana with one of the kids. Of course. And he walks in and he's like, oh, I thought you were going to be funnier. I'm just like, not that. I'll kill him. Not that. Ew. Like,
I thought you were going to be better in general. You know? I thought you were going to be funnier. Yeah. Like, I'm watching Moana with my niece, nephew. Normally, I would think of a comeback that's clever. Like, I had an old boss say that to me at Intelligentsia Pasadena. He's like, I can't believe you're a comic.
You don't seem very funny. And I was like, well, I don't like to make people I don't like laugh. Why would I give you that? I want to give you a little gift. It's like a fun little gift. Have you ever tried when someone, because I'm assuming it sounds, now this is the second time I mention it, it sounds like straight guys are doing this kind of thing to you often. Have you ever tried calling them a fan?
Because you have my permission. This is recorded. You have my permission. Yes. Next time a straight guy says that to you, be like, just go, you're a. Because it might, it takes the power back a little bit. Okay. Because they're sort of shocked. I think they'll be taken aback. Cool. They actually might laugh. They dab you up. Like, okay, sick. You got me, sister.
Okay, so anyway. The obsession with using like three words that people have been like, I'd love it if you didn't. You know what I mean? Just the three words, really. There's some slurs. They're like, no, no, I gotta have it. I gotta have it. It lights me up inside. Just cut three little things out. Well, you have a boyfriend. You're dating someone. I'm dating somebody. Well, what's going on there? What happened? You know, I was very done. Just... The last time we talked, you seemed pretty done. Emotionally bereft. Yeah, you were... Romantically paralyzed. Yeah. I...
I was so done. And then I just went to this 4th of July party and I saw this hot guy and he did have kids with him. And I was like, hmm, but he didn't have a wedding ring. And I was introduced to him by another comic. And he sort of was like, he said like, oh, I thought we worked together on something because he's a director. And I was like, no, I never did that thing. And he's like, oh, okay. And we chatted one more time. And I'm telling you, it's just like really hot. And I haven't felt anything like that.
that and I hadn't felt anything so this area is making some noise yeah I was like if I'm attracted to anything I should probably so then as he was leaving I was like well if you remember the thing that we worked on together just email me my gmail and oops and we'll cut that we'll simply be cutting that you're too famous to be behaving that way I can't have 20 people reaching out not because your listeners are only 20 but because only 20 people would
No, we only have 20 listeners. It's really sad. You are here for a reason. I'm just trying to clarify I was self-deprecating. No, the show's doing bad, Beth. Thank you for being here. All right, tell me who canceled.
Okay, okay. Wait. So yes, director. I pulled the old email me move classic. Yeah, which I gotta say. I gotta say. You're like, the way you pitched it to me, you're like, yeah, I put a little move on him. I'm like, I think it sounds like you networked with him, sister. I don't know if you really put
the moves on with that one. He did have to reach out and ask if I was in fact flirting. In this era? Yeah. He said he was very clear about that. He's like, I just want to make sure I'm not getting this wrong. Are you interested in going on a date? That's fucking hot. I know, I agree completely. That's hot. He was like, because if it's work, we can just have a general. Exactly. He's like, no pressure because I'd be still happy to hang if you want to hang. Yeah,
You should see some photos of them working in the shop. Show me some photos later. Yeah, I will. I just wanted to show you this one of my sisters laughing, and that's pretty much it. Yes, please. Yeah. Oh, stop. The spark was reunited. Well, can I show it to the camera? Yeah. They're beautiful. One's a nurse. Wait, hold on. Let's go like that in case there's any titty-pitty. Okay. Here we go. Yeah.
Are there titty pics that can be zoomed in on? Yes, absolutely. That's how you keep things alive. I'm looking at the thumbnails. You look safe. Oh, this is so beautiful. I could almost cry. Do you know what happened to me the other day? This just reminded me of it. It was a similar thing where I was sitting with Lisa Trager at a diner in New York. It was like two weeks ago. And we're catching up. We haven't seen each other in person for a little bit. And we're just catching up and we're both in a really good mood. We had been at a show. We did a show together at Littlefield.
And I was so fun. I fucking love going to New York, but we were having so much fun. And this old guy had been sitting next to us the whole time. Did I already tell this on the show? I don't think I did. Did I? This old guy had been sitting next to us in this diner and he gets up to leave and he stops at our table and he goes, can I just say there's so much love between the two of you? And then he goes, enjoy it. Oh, and then he went, I, I, Lisa and I both almost started crying. I was like, that is so beautiful.
But we were just laughing and catching up, and it reminded me of that. He was like, if you guys want to fuck, my email's... He's like, yeah, I put some moves on him. I gave him my P.O. box and told him to send me a letter if they want to see each other around town. He's telling this on his podcast right now. He's on his podcast. Yeah, I hit on this guy and his friend.
Okay, wait, I have a question for you. Yeah. You said earlier that negging is not the way to your heart. No. Negging will not turn you on. You don't like that. I don't. Which I think can be really hot, so I'll just, that'll be my own thing. Really? It's, to me, it's like. Ew. Not negging. No offense. I shouldn't have said ew. I'm just mad at you for liking that. You can't say ew. I'm mad at you for. No. Someone's like, you're kind of. No.
You're kind of funny. I think there's a difference between being mean and negging. I think negging is a little like... I think negging is a little like sometimes if I make a joke on a date and a guy's like, okay, that was like three jokes in a row. You know, if he gives me a little bit of pushback, I'm like, I think it's hot. Yeah, I don't need somebody to fawn all over me. No, you do, it seems like. Between the sister's boyfriend at Thanksgiving and the no negging. No, but what gets you going? What about director guy has gotten you going? He was so...
communicative and very open about his feelings. Things unfolded so naturally and beautifully. I'm trying to think. Natural was fun. Yeah. We met in the wild and we started texting or emailing. First we emailed. First we emailed. Then we Instagrammed. Then we phone numbered. Jesus. Texted.
We went to a movie on our first date. Whoa. Yeah. Kind of a universally known bad first date. Really? Don't you think? You can't talk. Did you go to dinner beforehand or something? I really wanted to kiss him the whole movie. Yeah. Yeah. Did you? No. Okay. What did you guys see? No hard feelings. With J-Law? Yeah. Well, they tried to bring the studio comedy back. They sure did. How do you think it went?
Well, my friends wrote it, so I loved it. Okay. And I would have said that if they didn't. Yeah, but you did preface it, didn't you? I think a movie on a first date is tough. No, I did like that movie a lot. I liked that movie a lot. We both liked that movie a lot. The naked scene on the beach, I thought deserved an Oscar. I thought deserved an Oscar. It's kind of a tough first date because you can't talk. So what did you guys just... Did you go home afterwards? Okay, so then we went back to his house. Right, there we go. Okay.
And then he walked, then nothing's happening. I'm so nervous too. Cause I haven't like touched anybody in a long time. Yeah. Except the therapist. Technically she touched me. Technically she touched me. Um, yeah, I'm like, I don't know. I was so nervous. And then he walked me, we had a car. Sorry that my chin hurt. Um,
Do you want to tell the listeners what happened to you? I did get hit with a hockey ball to the face, which is the only augmentation I'll do. I'm like a science experiment. I plan to age here just so we've got to get like a GoPro going on my face, actually, just so we get a time lapse. A daily. Yeah. But you did kind of give me a bit of a filler here.
You got hit with a hockey ball. Yeah, I was playing field hockey yesterday, and I play in a league out here. And, yeah, I'm a defender, and I do tend to really go for the ball. It was pretty low, and she popped it up in my face. I'd already dodged one. Like, it went over me, and she'd elbowed me here, but that was the least of my worries because the ball popped up here. This was earlier in the game. Can I say something? Yeah. And I want you to receive it with love. Okay. Because you have to know I would only say this to someone I love deeply. Mm-hmm. It...
defies everything I know about the world that you're not a lesbian. I know. It defies everything I know. Everybody's waiting. I've been waiting. I know. A lot of people have. In fact, Mo gets hit up. Mo Welch is my friend and comic. She gets hit up quite a bit asking if that's the case. Where's Beth's lesbian turn? I don't want to brag. Not quite a bit. I'm just saying it's been asked. Oh, I bet it's a lot. Here's what I'll tell you. If you ever decide to come over, I know you'll be welcomed with open arms.
I could see 17 ducks I've talked to this week who would be in line. You really would kill – and it would be such a treat for the community to have you. It would be such a treat. I can't be another one of those white female comics that's like, I'm a little bi. Beth, be very careful. Okay, sorry. Because I did a little truth-telling about the bi community. Oh, okay.
About the bi community on this podcast. Edit this out. And guess what? I've noticed people following me when I drive home sometimes. There are black SUVs that show up where I'm at. Look, things are a spectrum. I'm not saying you can't ever dabble, whatever. I just mean I can't be. I'm not about to be like, you know. Yeah, you're not going to be married to the male director and then... Right, and then be like, guess what? I'm married and I have a baby with him, but I'm queer too. Yeah.
And that is some people's truth. Yeah. I actually just dated him to get closer to his ex-wife. Honestly, that would be hot. Sorry. That would be hot. I do like him so much. I do love men and appreciate them and particularly love this person's penis. Thank you.
I love men. Congrats, boys. I love men. Congrats, boys. Thank you for saying that because men are under attack in this country right now. They are. And I want to thank you for standing up for us. I have to. What do you love about men? Hmm. I do love their penises. Yeah. Well, hey. Thank you. Hey. That's beautiful. Yeah. That's beautiful. I love their hot takes.
You know what? You know what? I love it. I love it, sister. Thank you. Thank you, darling.
Yeah, I mean, it's really a case-by-case basis. You mentioned your dad earlier, and you mentioned getting material from him. There's a lot of material on your last special on Netflix, which is absolutely brilliant. So fucking, you filmed it in Dayton. I did. I went home to film it. One take, baby. One take fucking wonder. It was so good. Thank you. And you're such a, you know that I think the world of you. I think you're just an absolute, one of the most genius comedians working right now. And it's weird to receive it on camera in front of a microphone, but I've told you this in private. I think you're a genius. Thank you.
your dad is such a character. Yeah. He's a whack man. He collects raccoons? Yeah, and he's actually moved on to feral cats. Because he returned all those to the wild. He was transporting, he got up to 91 raccoons. And a black bear came, actually. A black bear came? Yeah, I have a couple pics if that helps. Yeah, so while he was there, the numbers grew, obviously because he was helping them flourish financially.
by feeding them dog food and Hershey Kisses. Now, the whole story is, like Kayla mentioned, in the special, so I don't want to just regurgitate anything. But again, speaking to the point of being honest, all that's true. And, you know, it started with eight, ten, you know, a family of them. And it grew to, I thought it was 72. And then I called him just to update it before I was filming in months leading up. And he was like, oh, 91. It got to 91. Yeah.
So then he was transporting them because that obviously grew to be too many to feed, you know, and not to mention send them to college and put clothes on their backs, their little humpbacks. And so he started transporting them and taking them, catching them in a cage and transporting them in his car to this retention pond area where he's actually a leprechaun in front of. And also, I think it was actually Tijuana Flats or the carryman. No, it was the carryman. Anyway, yeah.
Sorry, I can't remember. But it's an Irish pub in Orlando. Yeah. Dropping them off over there. And then I guess the numbers dwindled because maybe they were afraid of getting caught. Yeah, they're talking. They're communicating. So now it's feral cats. And one of them is named Daryl, the feral cat. And they're fighting a little bit. One of them is missing a leg. Probably just got totally rocked in one of the fights. Yeah.
And a crooked tail. He tells me about all of them. I guess there's recently been a bit of a massacre in the sense that a coyote came through. And Daryl was missing for a while because that's the mom, I guess, of all the babies. Yeah. And I guess the coyote, unfortunately, did get to some of them. And he's thinking about bringing Daryl inside. Yeah. How many cats does he have now? He already has...
One, I think, Bobby, because it has no tail, the bobcat. Yeah. And he has a wiener dog who he calls Jostel. It's Jostelling, and he calls it Jostel. Like, he just goes around calling it Jostel. I would do anything to meet him. I would do anything to hang out with him. I mean...
If you FaceTime me, we would regret it immediately because we wouldn't be able to get off the phone with him, but he would love you. Yeah, I think he and I would hit it off deeply. Oh, 100%. I think we'd be good friends. Yeah, and he's out there now. He's still working in his sign-spinning business out in Orlando. He's still representing a couple places. For example, there's a restaurant he's out in front of called I Love Macaroni and Cheese and More.
And what's he dressed as? And here's the thing, he takes it so seriously, he has to go in, he offers his services, which are standing in front in a character that he's devised for that restaurant with one of their signs for the special, but he has to make sure he likes it first. So he requests a sample free meal. And a free sample meal, and then he's like, mm, I love it. God, I love it. He's a man of ethics. Yeah, and then he gets out there and gets people inside, barking them in. And
I guess, I think he forced it on them, but he sent me a poster to sign for I Love Macaroni and Cheese and More of the last special. And I mean, I don't know if they really wanted that or not, but I signed it and sent it back. I think it's hanging in the storefront right now in Orlando, Florida. If you're in that area, go check that out. But it's of my last special that's on Netflix. And in the photo, I just have my leg up on the stool and I'm kind of like this. And so, of course, I wrote, here I am thinking about
Macaroni and cheese. And more. And more. Ymas. Yeah. You got a pick of the Blackburn? Oh, yeah. I'm dying to see it. So, yeah. It's like, first of all, my dad, he wanted to be an actor, so he had us get headshots. So I had these from when I was like a really little girl. Okay. She's serving, by the way. I actually had scabies in this photo. Okay. No worries. No worries. She's giving regardless.
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Well, guys, I'm just going to be honest with you. A bunch of them are sold out. But some shows that aren't sold out, I believe one of the shows that I have next week in Chicago still has some tickets available. Houston, Fort Worth, and Dallas all have tickets available. Please go get those. And those are my only upcoming live shows that aren't sold out for right now. I don't know what to tell you. The venues only have so many seats, and there's a billion Kaylebrities in the world. Ha ha ha ha!
Okay, I'm sorry. I love you guys so much. Thank you for tuning in. Please like, subscribe, share everywhere, and follow us on every social media. And frankly, you know, kind of be sycophantic about the pod. We're trying to build a cult-like presence here where eventually people will get harmed. Thank you. Goodbye.
What was the... Okay, so you have said that you get a lot of material from your family. Yeah. What was the getting into it? I'm working on an hour right now that I'm trying to film soon, and I've cut a bunch of stuff about my family because I didn't feel comfortable with some of it. But what was your process when you first started getting attention on your jokes? Did you run it by them first? Or how did you get into these conversations with them where you found out they're cool with it? Right. Do you remember talking to them about it? Early days. Yeah, and I actually have some people who don't like...
Yeah. Like my stepmom, current stepmom, and ex-stepdad. He actually reached out not too long ago and said to do better. Do better? Yeah. As in do the material about me but be funnier? Yeah. Okay. No, no, no. Like I don't like you talking about me whatsoever. Oh, improve yourself as a human being. Yes. Okay, got it, got it, got it. And I was kind of like, ditto.
Yeah, you too, ex-stepdad. Yeah. What are we talking about? Here's the thing. He was complaining about an album that came out in 2012. And on the album, I call him really slow. And I was like, well, where's the lie? Because it's 2022. You're like 10 years later. It's a decade, baby. It's a decade that's gone by. So that one's interesting. It is petty, but it's a story. I mean, again, it's a true story. My sister's poisoned his stew. I mean, with some spicy peppers. It wasn't actual poison. But like, eh.
Yeah, you know. He's poisoning his stew. He blamed me. He picked out all the peppers and brought them up in a cup into my room. I was like, I have nothing to do with this. You're not my dad. You know. I feel like you and I are living, we grew up in different universes or something. Like, the idea that you can poison someone's,
Someone stew with peppers? Sounds like it's out of like a Hansel and Gretel style. He was making some stew. And again, I call him really slow. So I assume my sister's dropped these peppers in there when he was turning to reach for something else. Yeah.
You know, like the phone would ring. He'd let it go for like seven rings. I'm like, we're in middle school. I need you to pick that up within the first ring. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Somebody that probably wants to bang. Someone's trying to hit. Yeah. Pick it up. Pick it up, bitch. But he's too busy making stew. Yeah. He was also the church organist. That presented some problems. Why was that a problem? Just, he was like considered, he was like a god at that church. Oh, my God.
You know what I mean? He's like throwing his robe back dramatically before sitting at the bench. It's like, yeah, it's not that hard. My mom's a pianist. It's just electric and more layers and levels. So...
So he was big at the church, but he couldn't handle peppers. Yeah. These are his truths. Or teenage girls. Well, that might be for the best. I was going through my bucket, or I have this bin underneath my mom's stairs, and I was going through it, and there's a fifth third. I was going through my buckets. Presented without context.
You guys know this old trick. It's like a Rubbermaid bin is what I meant. I was going through my bucket. Dear life. I'm more like a Rubbermaid bin. When I'm not poisoning Stu. I've got my bucket. I'm digging through my bucket. E-mailing suitors. Full of tchotchkes. Collectibles. Well, tons of stuff. Disturbing pad of hangmans. Okay. Where we're just saying stuff about my stepdad.
And it's sort of like the words pussy curdles. Wait. Icy hot pee lips. Pussy curdles? Yeah, I think we made that up. What does that mean? Oh, gosh. There was another word we made up. Oh, different name. You know how you do hangman who just guesses stuff? We made up a name for penis in like seventh or eighth grade. It's...
It's daddler. D-A-D-L-E-R. I'm crying! Why? Why did you make up another word for penis and why was it daddler? I don't know. It's so weird. Why? There were so many hang-ins with daddler in it and stuff. Jerking off with Icy Hot on his daddler and stuff like that.
You're doing hangmans about your stepdad jerking off with Icy Heart? I don't even know. I don't get it. By the way, just so you know, he's becoming more and more the hero of these tales. Well, yeah. And then I found a fifth, third bank to pop, you know, like what you would get cash in after you got it out of the ATM. Or if you got cash in the old days, the bank person would give you an envelope of
Of the money in it. And he had given me, he was kind enough to give me some cash for a dance. So once again, so once again, he sounds fucking awesome. You're like, yeah, this fucking moron. I mean, he also had to drink to a rusty nail to really come out of his shell. Yeah.
Anyway, it said something about money for the dance and you'll look gorgeous. You always do or something like that. And that's where I felt weird. Well, guess what? You just got me back on your side. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I also like... He took... We only had one bathroom. I was like, oh, sorry. I just got taken back to a memory of having to get ready after he took a shower in a dump. And it was just... It was like, oh, I don't know what it's like to be gassed, but it was something like that. It just...
He would clip his beard over the sink and the clippings we get in our toothbrush and stuff. It was disturbing. And my sister would take his toothbrush and put it on the toilet. You guys, you guys bullied. You guys, you guys bullied this church organist within an inch of his life. And all he wanted to do was give you money for the dance.
I'm fucking dead. He also drove so slow. He would take us to school in the morning. That's not. I used to tell this story on that old album. He would drive us so slow. I'd be in the front seat leaning forward. That would propel us faster. Whenever we got out of the car, if my sister borrowed the car, she'd turn up the radio to full blast. When he got in, it was really shorter.
This is a story of a normal man who moved in with some evil girls. Because every step of the way, you're revealing something to me that's not normal. You're like, I'm digging through my bucket. I'm doing hangmans about my stepdad's dick. But he was evil too. He drove slow. It's like... Shit.
Well, hey, we got some voicemails for you. Okay. Grab those headphones. I dare you. I dare you. Oh, my God. These are cool headphones. Thank you so much. They're mine. I almost barfed when I was talking about daddlers. Daddler? I was crying. Daddler really took me to a different place. Yeah, daddler. His daddler was dangling.
Oh, my God. Hey, Caleb. Now, I'm going to get right to business because I need you to set me straight. I need to know the truth about making good friendships. Like, what advice do you and your guests have about dealing with toxic friendships and just people in general? I'm, like, really bad at cutting things off with people, especially, like, who I know are bad for me. So if you have any tips on attracting the right energy into your life, I would so appreciate it. All right, bye.
Okay. Well, what do you think, Beth? I feel like that was like she called in with the attitude and energy of who she wants to be. Yeah. Yeah. And the way she is with her friends is like, do whatever you want. Yeah. You know? Yeah. I feel like she has to stand up for herself and bring that energy that she brought to us into her relationship. So you think she was putting on a little bit for us? I do. That's the vibe you're getting. In a hopeful way. Yeah. Like, I love it. That's the kind of energy you should have. Find other people that match you and that don't.
just smoothe your flame i feel like you have really strong friendships in your life why do you think that is so grateful i feel so grateful for my friends yeah i really am held up by them supported by them cherish my friends i've got a question for best selling i end up talking about this a lot on the pod um and i'm sure maybe the listeners are sick of it no one's let me know yet let me know in the comments guys what do you what do you what do you think uh god no god what's going on out there what do you think is the big deal with religion you got one
You got a faith? Well, I think I remember the first thing. First of all, I mean, I guess the first thing that really got to me that I discovered someone saying out loud was like, you know, when you step out of your little Ohio world and learn about other religions, I was like, wait,
That's what really got me. When I had the awareness of other religions, other gods. That they believe it just as much as we do. Because I was able, having come from Methodist and Christianity, I was like, well, that's not fair in the sense that I would never be like, well, they're going to hell. My mind wouldn't process that. So I was like, well, then there's all these gods, right? We're all believing in something different.
There's not much room up there for all of them. That was the initial breakdown. That was a huge part of my problem is that we had learned about like Eastern religious leaders in school or something. Maybe we learned about Gandhi or something. And then in youth group, I'm hearing anyone who's not Christian is going to hell. And I don't think God is a good example. He's going to hell for that kiss. Yeah. It's not looking too good over there. But maybe we pick a different guy to run with. But there's all these like very like...
You know, righteous, cool Muslim people and righteous, cool Jewish people that are like doing good in the world, that are like nice people and they're going to hell because they weren't born in Ohio. Yeah. That's fucking insane. Yeah. And not to mention so many different variations. And also for me, just like the Bible being a text that was certainly created by men. Yeah. Just all men. Yeah. And it was sort of just like their Christmas list. Yeah.
What's wrong with that? Wait, hold on. That part really spoke to me. What's wrong with that? No, that makes total sense to me. Yeah, I was just sort of like, wait a minute. These stories aren't fun for me. These jokers. Yeah. So I guess...
And because of those thoughts and wondering what else is out there after this, I do have a fear of death. Yeah. Because I'm just sort of like, even since I was a kid, I was like, I could picture just like nothingness. And then my mom would go, well, you wouldn't know nothingness because you won't even be here. You'll never have existed. You're just going to be like nothing.
a body that gets absorbed into the earth. So before you were born? Yeah, like it felt very scientific, like plant and animal-like, you know? So that was hard for me to accept. I would really like there to be some sort of energy that gets transposed into another dimension slash life form. Yeah. That would be a beautiful thing. When you hear people talking about like near-death experiences and the light and all these things, I'm sort of like,
I haven't done enough research on it to be like, Oh yeah, that's your brain. I'm snapping off. You know, you're not, that's not happening. Like if a doctor were like, Oh, that happens when you're in shock, you know, like that would scare me even further. Yeah. Cause I want, I don't know. It definitely scares me. I hate thinking about death. And how present is it for you? The fear of death? Is it a day to day thing or is it just like a macro? Thankfully not. Yeah. Um, but yeah, I just am like, I just go start crying. Um,
I would love for there to be something out there. I think that would be great. I don't take joy in being like, we're all organisms, you idiots. Yeah. But it is pretty crazy, like, even just talk about expanding your world. I'm not, like, a TikTok person, and I don't really understand the interface. It's, like, far too small. But, like, the writing and stuff, and then it just plays stuff. But Mo will sometimes send me clips of, like, these Christian folks that are, like, talking about...
in these big arenas and making like modern, like stand-up comedy Christianity. And I'm like, wait, what? Like it feels so, yeah, money, money, money. Money, think about it. But it makes me go, it makes me unfortunately feel very elitist. Like, oh my gosh, I didn't realize how many dumb people there are. Yeah. So many stupid people that would watch this person and go, yes. Oh, they nailed it. God is Wi-Fi. God is so Wi-Fi. Yeah. Do you want to hear something more?
I don't know if you've experienced this, if your mom has done this to you. I think it feels uniquely mom to me, but all parents are capable of it. That as you get older, they just start to casually drop like the most insanely sad thing you've ever heard out of nowhere. And my mom recently had a lunch we were talking about just about life. My mom and I are very close. I love her to death.
And she's a Christian, but she's always been Christian in the way of like, my mom's thing is just always been helping people and being nice. Yeah. She's always been like, I don't care if you go to church. I don't care if you're gay. None of this matters to me. It's like, there's no judgment. Everything about being a Christian is supposed to be like, you help your neighbor and that's it. Yeah. Which is obviously the best kind. But I was talking to her and I was like, I don't think we've ever talked about whether or not you believe in hell. Like, are you, this is, we're at lunch like two months ago.
And I go, do you believe in hell? And she goes, well, some people think that like the life we're living on earth is hell. Like this is hell. And then whatever happens afterwards is probably better, even if it's nothing. And I go, oh, well, do you think our life on earth is like the life we're living is hell? And she like, I wish I could communicate to you how she delivered this line to me. But I go, do you think life on earth is hell? And she's kind of taking a bite of her salad. And she goes, sometimes. And I was like, ah! Ah!
I was like, that is so, like she, I just, you felt every sad thing that's ever happened to her. Yeah. And that moment, and that's something that like moms only, I feel like can do. Just drop that like, one word. 100%. Horrible, so sad, made me want to absolutely explode and die. I know, I know. And I just was like, whoa. And those glimmers of like, oh no, my mom's not like just a superhero angel that like has it all. No. She's sad and is saying that life on earth is,
It's like I have a joke at the beginning of my special about a lobotomy and my mom was like, wouldn't that be nice? Just cut all those bad parts out. I was like, whoa, curveball Diane. Hold on, bitch. What has happened to you? What are you going through over there?
That's nuts. And then I would say other formative thing I kind of remember and rewatched out of curiosity fairly recently was Religious. Oh my God. Do you want to... Okay, Religious. When I was in high school, I was probably like a freshman or sophomore in high school, I was already beginning to deconstruct my faith. But my friends were very into youth group. And I made them a deal that...
my very Christian friends, they all wanted me to go to youth group with them. And I had already quit going to youth group, but they were like, come back. I found a bunch of those postcards in the bucket. I was like, where are you? We miss you. Where are you? We miss you. Come back to youth group. I made a deal with my friends that wanted me to come back to youth group that if they watched Religious with me, that I would go back to youth group. And they did, and I did. I went to youth group with them. I think there was a set number of times I had to go back. But they watched it with me, and I think I got a couple of them.
Okay, good. At least they just got to see it. Yeah. Because in some ways I also respect the blind faith of like, yeah, well, okay, you believe that, you know, like because there's an acceptance in that of the other view and their own. Yeah. Saying like, okay, I watched that thing, but I still going to do my thing because it feels safe and fun. Yeah. You know? So I almost appreciate, I would appreciate that more if they still continue to go. Yeah. But my, yeah.
My mom doesn't go to a place like a church. Most of those have failed her or our family. Yeah. Like in some way or another. Whether it was the church organist. Or like so many of those people also talked so much shit on my mom. And also even when some of the church people went out of their way to make my mom's life hell. Because after, yeah, I mean, one even volunteered at my mom's elementary school.
and like would talk about her to the other teachers like as a sub. And then infiltrating. Oh my God. And then one of them, um, also knew that my mom wanted to rent the harp and rented the harp for a long time. Wait, there was a harp to be rented. I have to be honest. You've lost me from Kettering city schools. There was a harp. Yeah. You could rent the harp and somebody took it for a long time so she couldn't get to it.
I'm trying to wrap my head around where and how you grew up. And I know it was outside of Dayton. I know you were in a suburb of Dayton. But I'm just going, you're digging through your bucket. You're poisoning stews. There's a vengeance game going on with the local harp. I'm just having a hard time. There's an organist who gave you money for prom, but he's a bad guy. And that's just a lot of things I'm trying to keep up with. And that's your life. You nailed it. You nailed it. You know Mayberry?
I might if you get me going. I'm Miss Mayberry, sitting on a porch drinking ice cold cherry Coke. Everything's black and white. You know that one? I'm trying to think. I definitely heard it. I'm trying to think of another one of those I like. Fast Cars and Freedom. You don't look a day over fast cars and freedom. That sunset or river bay, first time feeling. Did you love that Kenny Chesney album that came out around that time? There goes.
There goes my future, my everything. Yeah. What was it? Baby. Goodbye. Well. There goes my life. What's so true to you, Best Darling? Country. Country's so true to you? What's so true to me?
I don't want to be boring. I'm trying to think of a good one. Well, we can take a second. You want to take a second? My initial one was just you got to take shoes off when you enter the home. Oh, I don't like people like you. Sorry. I don't like people like you. Because why? Because we live in L.A. I don't really do it at my mom's in Ohio, but there's usually human feces or piss somewhere that you've walked. Oh. And then I have a shag carpet that I love to really roll around, and I don't want that on there. You're rolling around on the carpet? Yeah, like, ugh. Ugh.
I'm going through my bucket. I mean, not the bucket. So you're a shoes off in the house person. Yeah, I am. Damn. Sorry. I don't believe in germs. I would love to not. And I will say it's absolutely a result of...
I feel made up to me. It's the result of everything that's happened to me is, is why I am a germaphobe. Like I, I can tell that I feel out of control or unhealthy or anxious or whatever it is when I'm cleaning, cleaning, cleaning. Yeah. And I used to do it after my ex would leave my house. Yeah. Clean, clean, clean, clean, clean. Cause it's like, I knew he was lying and I felt it and I would say it, but he'd gaslight me and it's a way I would feel like my place is
clean though and this is what I control. You know? It's like so sad. It's a little bit giving your mom saying a lobotomy would be nice. It's a little like oh okay. Alright yeah. Yeah. It's a clean to feel control. Actually maybe you could tell me about this. Don't weather that storm. Why do you think
I get cooked online so much. I don't see, interesting you say that, right? Because I don't see that. You don't see me getting cooked. No. So that's the beautiful thing about the internet is it's made us think that, you know, that it's made it, sorry, oh, I'm so old. Ouch. Crickety crackety peanut buttery. Put it down. Oh, I think I'm just sore from hockey. Oh. Yeah, I think probably so. You got your ass kicked by a lesbian with a stick. I think it's probably playing a hand. Then you rode a bike here. Yeah, that's true.
- 'Cause again, we've heard this so many times where it's like your feed is catered to you and if,
I looked at your Explorer and it might be too much for me, you know? And if you looked at my Explorer page, it would be like, Oh gosh, that's what you're looking at. It's a lot of like cats and skin to skin disorders. But I think it's one of those things where I go, you feel it. Cause it's right in front of you. It's in your feed. I was playing, speaking of field hockey, I was in Buenos Aires in December playing the Pan Am continental cup with the U S women's masters team. Yep. I had just got, uh, the New York times released their end of the year thing of comedy specials. Mine was named best, uh,
Best special or something? Best breakout special or something? I can't remember. I think they called me Unparalleled Genius in my field. See, it was named like... Number one comic of the century. Yeah, it was called like Singular Accomplishment in Comedy or something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I get this beautiful thing is happening. Heather Ann Campbell, who I wrote on Rick and Morty with...
Text it to me. That's how I found out. I was like, oh my gosh, this is so cool. We just played against Paraguay or something and won. And Allie Colbert released a clip of her podcast that I was on. And it was like a snippet of me saying like, yeah, I do think men are bad at cunnilingus. And that's...
So sad. That's all that day was. People were like, you're an ugly, disgusting, whore, you bitch, your pussy smells. Like, so, you know, maybe if you did something with your hair, you'd be not getting your pussy. You know, and I, as much as you go, well, these people are psychotic. Yeah.
You're still reading it. Yeah. Just like if you wake up every morning, this is why stand up can be dangerous because it is repetitive to an extent. You have to be very careful what you choose to say over and over and over and over again. Yeah. You know? So if you wake up every morning and you go, you're a piece of shit.
It's going to, whether you meant it or not, it will seep into you. So you're just reading it. It doesn't mean anything to you, but you're seeing it and it won't leave you. So that's why it's like everyone, of course, tells you not to look at the comments. But what we really need is an app that changes the comments to the opposite of what is being said. So that it's like your pussy smells so good. I don't know. I want to eat your pussy right now. Yeah. You know.
You're not getting your pussy ate, right? Because men are intimidated by you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stuff like that. But I don't see you getting roasted because I'm in my own little area getting roasted myself. Yeah, I'm getting cooked in my kitchen. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I think you're right. We're both in our own kitchens getting cooked. I don't see it. In fact, if anything, I would say that you're the one who's in control. That's how I view it. You think he was in control? Yes, that you're the one who says what's what.
And you don't care what people think of you. Caleb's in charge. And your takes are the best takes. No, I actually do have a delusion where what you're talking about, where like when I read negative comments, not only do I go, oh, those people are psychopaths. I go, there's literally almost something in my brain that goes, they are scared of how perfect you are.
Like, my brain actually does double time to be like, actually, you're so good that this is like, it actually is funny almost. I reply, unfortunately, quite a bit. Oh, you're replying? Yeah. Also, it was so funny because you guys had that clip about, like, that old guy, you know? Like, those funny, you and your friend had posted the clip about an older person. I said I wouldn't hook up with an old guy. Right, right, right. And then you were saying funny stuff about, what are you talking about, vaccinations or something? Yeah. Anyway.
I saw that, and of course I laughed, and then read some of the comments, and some people were, of course, getting defensive, ageist, which I've also gotten. Like, that's one of my clips that gets the most action on Facebook, over on that fan comedian page, and it's a lot of white women, older white women, and older white dudes, but they're losing their minds that I'm ageist. And then the beautiful part about it is, the men will be like, things along the lines of like,
Was she a man? And it's like, oh my goodness. Do you see that your greatest insult is...
Calling me you? Yeah. That's what you came up with? Oh, no. You know, like, I can't believe that you think that that's bad. And then for the older women, they'll come for me and say, like, you know, age will come for you, too. And you look old. Like, you're already looking old, you bitch. And it's like, what? So you've been hurt by some tale about my mom not remembering her password on her phone? Yeah. And you're coming for me in that way? Yeah. So I will reply. Like, somebody was just like, you're...
you're going to die before 50. Some, some older white woman wrote that. And I was like, I wrote back it. Why be an asshole to women? And I said something like, well, your, your comments cancer. So you're right. I only have a couple of years left to live. Yeah. And she was said something back, something heinous. And then I said, thank you for teaching me to be,
Kind women in my final years. You're so you got to get out of the comments But I kind of have fun in there. You're bogged down in the comments. I do have fun in there sometimes You're having a good time in the car really do but they also get to me like yesterday the reason I even thought of this is because your age just clip and mine got some action yesterday from some woman that was like this is Sucks do how do you feel about the old? There it is folks. We got we got her we got her their skins loose and
Their skin's loose. They're ugly, disgusting, and gross. Beth, I just love you so much. We got a segment for you. We're about to wrap up here. Can you believe it? I'm ready. Can you even believe it? I got to take a wizard. Well, before you take a wizard, I have, here's what we're going to do. It's a true or false segment. I'm going to read you 15 statements. You're going to tell me as quickly as you can if you think they're true or false. And this is really just for me to test how much I respect you. Walk in. Okay, you ready? Yeah.
NBC, oh yeah, well if you get 10 or more correct, you get 50 US dollars. What? Oh my God, okay. Yeah, and the way we keep the cost on the show is we don't actually pay. Okay, true or false just in general or to you? You just say if they're true or false. These are real statements. They have an answer. NBC's mascot is an owl. False. False, what is it? A peacock. There you go. Oakwood, Ohio's high school fight song is Win the Day. Wrong. False, it's Stand Up and Cheer. Yes. Only male mosquitoes bite.
False. False. Only female. Samsung is 38 years older than Apple. True. True. Texas is the largest U.S. state. True. False. Alaska. I knew it was Alaska. Elmo's goldfish is named Rutherford. Wrong. False. Dorothy. The green L line train in Chicago ends at Midway Airport. Wrong. False. Orange. Tooth enamel is the hardest part of the human body. True. True. The recipe for apple pie comes from England. True. True. Ohio was the 20th state to join the Union. Wrong.
False. False, 17th. Humans are the only animals that blush. False. True. M&M's the candy stands for melts in mouth. No, I don't know. Yes, true. False. Mars and Murray. A flock of flamingos is called a flamboyance. False. True. But. Tennis was originally played with bare hands. False. True. Damn it. Pete Holmes owns a parrot named Conrad. False. False. Thank God. Tennis.
God, I can't believe it. We are the champions. My friends. Boom, boom, boom. Hey, great job. Thank you. Isn't that electric? That was stressful. I'm so happy for you. I can't believe the hand sing I was on the fence about. Yeah.
Bushing? Come on. There's got to be a little cat out there that's feeling a little bashful. I'm afraid not. I'm afraid not. Oh, my God. Beth, it was such a delight to have you on. Yeah, thank you for having me. Thank you for doing it. Yeah, I'd love to ride my bike over. Yeah, this is the part of the show where eventually, you know, here in a second, we'll have you do plugs and stuff. But if you want to give me any compliments directly into the camera. Caleb.
I think you are so funny and talented. Appearances, appearances, appearances. I'm proud of you. Looks, looks, looks. Do my looks. And you're so handsome. In fact, looking at that baby photo of you when you were little, I was like, how is this not a child star? You're the cutest thing on the planet. Beth, you're so fucking funny. I love you so much. Thank you for doing it. Everybody should watch your special on Netflix, but where else could they find you?
I have also a special on Max called Girl Daddy. And you can find me BethStelling.com. I'm touring right now in different places. And I'm also thinking about doing a special, but who knows. If you want to buy the special, let me know.
Yeah, if you're a buyer or a producer for comedy specials, hit Beth up. She'll give you her email address. It was in the episode, but we're going to cut it. I love you so much. I love you. Thanks for doing it. Thank you for having me. Oh my God, let's be done. Oh my God, let's be done. I have to whiz. You got to whiz. Let's get you to the bathroom. Look at these. Look at all that I drank.