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100% of the time saying I'll shoot you with a gun. Nice. I say it so much. That one really caught on, huh? Something happened. People are liking that. Something happened. Well, it was just like the simplest like... Well, we're violent. Yeah. Getting violent. We're a violent people. Yes. Sweet comedians. Humans are a violent species. They're like, shoot somebody with a gun.

Yeah. Oh, I love that. Don't mind if I do. What a nasty little, what a nasty little thing for me to say and for people to enjoy. Well, all I do all day is just feel like the worst, you know, just people saying the worst possible things to you all day, every day. And you're like, you're trying to be, you're trying to be like creative and clever getting back to them. Or you're trying to convince yourself that it like doesn't bother you. I'll shoot you with a gun. Yeah. Unbelievable. Unimpeachable. Pretty much so good. Unimpeachable. Yeah.

You should use that. I'm unbepeakable. Ow! She's unbepeakable. Ow! I really like that. Dude, the Coyote Ugly soundtrack? Let's talk about that. It goes hard. It goes really hard. Let's finally get into that. Let's talk about that. Honey. It goes so hard. Under the night sky. Gonna be with you. And no one's gonna be around.

Oh, baby. Coyote Ugly. Leanne Rimes. Oh, my God. I miss her. Leanne Rimes. Where is she at?

Leanne Rimes! Leanne, girl! Where are you, girl? What she did on the Coyote Hughley soundtrack. The Coyote DL Hughley soundtrack. I was just about to say it. I'm so mad that you did it. I'm so mad that you did it. I go 100% we're getting there at exactly the same time. He's going to beat me by a millisecond. She put her fucking boot into that. She put her Hugh-ussy into that.

Her coyote, her coyote, a goosey. Just a beautiful gentleman from the Wild West. Her coyote ugly into that soundtrack. Leanne Rimes. Leanne Rimes, where are you, girl? Leanne Rimes. Hold on, let's get a clean one of both of us saying it. One, two, three. Leanne Rimes.

I mean, because who's talking about it? Do you remember? So you're a little country girl like me. Do you remember? What was her name? Trisha Yearwood. Do I remember Trisha Yearwood? Okay. Massively important to me as a child. I remember in first grade, they made us, they were like, what's your favorite musical artist? And they would like write it down for us. We couldn't write yet. We were stupid.

Yeah. Now, you know her and Garth Brooks cheated. Yes, dude. I now know all about all the lore. And I was obsessed with her and my mom was too. On a bus to St. Cloud, Minnesota. Do you remember that? They cheated. They were cheaters. How do you feel about cheating? I love it. You and your husband closed? Totally closed. Closed? Tight. Yeah, you're randomly very conservative. I'm really far right. I'm really far right.

I hope to be her most far-right guest of all time. And you got your husband. Well, famously, now I... Okay, I don't want to get into bisexuality with you because I know how you feel about it. No, it's not true, Laura. It's not true. I've heard everything. You've heard wrong. I want to tell you. And bisexual... Can I say something about bisexual? Please. It is real. Yes. It is valid. I love it. I love hearing about it. I believe in it. I love what you're talking about.

Leanne Royce? Leanne Royce?

I love bi. Okay, but I... So what is your... So I used to pork a lot of women back in the day. Wound up with a man, though. And wound up with a man. Which is part of it. It's like 100% of the thing, isn't it? That eventually I do. But you're not allowed to say that. I'm finally cleared to talk about this publicly and I'm excited about it. But I did have like a dream about having sex with a woman like a few months ago. And I woke up from it and I was just like, you know what? I'm just gonna do... I'm just gonna ask. I'm just gonna ask. And I was like, would you mind if I like

did that sometimes? And he was like, oh, do you mean have affairs with women? And I said, no worries. No worries. And he said, he said a sentence to me that I'm never going to forget. He goes, the fact that you don't think that's cheating is homophobic. Oh,

I'm loving him. He's so smart. I'm loving him. He's so smart. It's the most big brain shit I've ever heard in my entire life. I've been trying, listen, I'm not running bits on you, but I've been trying it on stage and sometimes it doesn't hit and I'm like, you don't know, he had to teach me that women are people. Yeah.

I'm falling asleep. I'm like, boobs, butts, blah, blah, blah. He's like, those women have personal histories. You don't mind if I fuck a couple of these... These absolute hoes out here. Their feelings are just collateral damage in my fuck quest. You don't mind, do you? And you know that, and I know that. You don't mind, right? And he said, hey. Hey, honey. That's... You're actually not coming from a good place. They're more than just tits and curves, my friend. Those are human beings. I was literally being like... And you said...

He broke my fucking brain with it. And he's so right. Yeah. He's too smart. He's too smart. That's the thing. You can't pull one over on this one. It was brave of you to tell that story because you come off really bad in it. Yeah. Yeah. I'm 100% the bad guy. You're the villain. I'm 100% the bad guy. And I own that. And you're straight. Straight, is he? First ever conservative straight villain. Yeah, he's straight. You're straight, husband?

Has to teach you about women having feelings? An agency? An agency. He's like, you don't get to just go have sex with them. He was like, that's a choice they're making. They have personalities. Yeah, they have personalities. So I hadn't considered that women have personalities. Have you thought about that?

It was news to me. No, opposite. I only consider women as having personalities. When I find out they have sexual desires, I'm like, whoa! They're just kind of an amorphous mist to you that have a lot of opinions. No physicality. Women to me are a warm, glowing light in the corner of every room. God, that's beautiful. They guide me through this dark time we call existence. But always the corner, though. But then when I find out they have a physical body that has sexual desires, I go, ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Leanne Rimes! Leanne Rimes! And you know a woman with a physical body. She has a physical body. Ha-cha-cha! Does she ever? Hatchimachi! No, nurse! Yeah, I need her. I was lusting after Leanne Rimes. Lusting after who? I need her, like, water. Leanne Rimes! Don't say her name normal in here. Leanne Rimes! You know, Leanne Rimes. You even did it then. You went Rimes. Rimes. Rimes.

She did something so special with the Coyote Ugly soundtrack. I mean, I'm really, I've been impressed with that for years. I'm not off it. Yeah. I shouldn't be. I can't fight the moonlight. And I won't even try. I tried when I was younger. I tried to fight the moonlight. And guess what?

Didn't take. Also, that woman was like 12 when she made that. She was so young for so long. She was deep into her 20s, I think. Was she really? Yeah. Why is she perpetually 19 to me? I have no idea. That's because I don't care about women and their stories. You don't like women. I'm kind of glad you ended up with a man because you seem to have a lot of reverence for him. He's a doll. I fear what you might have done to a...

A lesbian. To a sweet, good lesbian. Yeah. I don't know. I think it was never meant to be. How'd you end up with a guy anyhow? Well. Somebody with your countenance. Somebody with your whole situation. You ended up with a guy.

This is not the first I've thought about it. No. I've known him since I was 15 years old. Oh, boo. I know. Doesn't it suck? We started dating at 25, but we were good friends for like 10 years. Nice. Good friends? Like, had you ever... I was just pining. You were pining for him? Ooh, I was pining. For years, I was pining for him. And was he pining? No. No. No. He was not pining. He didn't seem to be. And I... I mean, I...

I think about it all the time, but like I truly was like, I will just never tell him if it means that he'll be my friend because I love him. And then one time we got really drunk and he was like, you want a phone? And I was like, yeah. And then it's been great ever since. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Wait a fucking second. Hold on.

You guys are friends at 15. 15, yeah. For 10 years. 10 years. You take the coward's way out. That's right. Well, it was about four years, I would say, of me being in love with him. We went to the University of Tennessee, Knoxville together. I really fell in love with him. Go Vols. Yes, go Vols for him.

And you, for four years, you carry a flame for this young man. That's right. And you say nothing of it. Nothing. Because you think being a heartbroken friend is better than being excommunicated from my deep feelings. Yeah, I get it. Like being down bad was better in some way. Being down bad was better than being out for good. Being up for Jesus. Yeah.

Go Vols. And so then you make no moves. I make no moves. You exist as a coward for four years. I'm total coward. Also, by the way, dating other people, pretending to love other people was just like absolutely head over heels. Pretending to love other people. Yeah, truly. Most of them men or women? Yikes. So you are playing with the emotions of several women.

While you wait for this man to see you in the right light or something? Yeah, to see me at a party where I have some blush on. And then you still say nothing. You both get drunk, which is inappropriate. Of course, in college especially. And then he says, should we fuck? He did not say should we fuck. That was certainly the subtext. He just kind of looked upon me.

I'll do it to the camera. Go ahead. You're him and the camera's you. That does not... To me, that doesn't end in sex. A restraining order, maybe. Yeah. You go, no, he said it with his eyes. And he's doing the freeze frame from a Debbie Downer sketch. Yeah, it's cute. It's cute.

He absolutely did not say, do you want to fuck? But it was like, I feel a certain level of attraction all of a sudden. I said, me too, darling. He said that? It really was something along those lines. You're not painting him in any clear or good light. Okay. I feel a certain level of attraction. He's a cyborg. Sounds good, Jeffrey Dahmer. He's a cyborg.

Yeah, what the fuck? Something has aroused me suddenly. Laura, I hate to alarm thee, but I've just been overcome by an emotion that is quite foreign to one. In my life. Sounds good. Can I cross the bridge or not?

I love you, by the way. No, he said something that at the time sounded romantic, but I don't remember what it was. Nice. But then it just broke down this barrier and we've been together ever since. Nice. I know. Did you ever, when you were still going on dates with people, some of us are still in hell. Yes. Did you ever like, after a really good first date, be like...

I'm going to remember everything about this because it's the beginning of a big story. Yeah, actually. You ever do that? A catalog? Yes. Yes, I have. Be like, yeah, it's important that I remember what corner we kissed at because that's going to be the corner we have to take our wedding pictures later. Yeah, where he's going to propose. And this is such a, it's odd. It's a corner because it's a real turning point in my life. Yeah. Yeah. I would romanticize. You're romantic. You're romantic. I do that with everybody.

I am a romantic. You are. Are you? Yeah. Nice. I think. Just for this one guy, though. Yeah, I don't know. I'm pretty locked in. Yeah. Except for wanting to have sex with lesbians or whatever. Well, by the way, can I say both of you are homophobic? Because you are homophobic because you failed to consider women have personhood. Yeah.

And he's homophobic because he's not going to allow you to sleep with women? I did. I did talk to him about it. I was like, I do think I married the one straight man in the world. He's like, no, I don't. That doesn't really appeal to me in any way. Yeah. You know what I mean? He's like, he can't even be like hot. Why don't you say yes and then stroke off about it, freak? Yes. Stroke off. Stroke off. Not yes. No.

Don't jerk off about it, you little freak. Why don't you say yes and then jerk your shit thinking about it, you fucking psychopath. Something's arisen in my loins. You are romantic, though. I am. Are you like, are you, you're not like a serial dater, are you? Are you in relationships oft? I am a, um, I am a many times scorned lover boy. I was sent to earth. Here's what I think.

Here's what I think. I think I was an angel in heaven. I think you're still that. I think God created me and I was an angel in heaven. And then I fell from grace through circumstances that were not my own fault. 100%. And I ended up behaving devilishly. And then God said, to teach you a lesson, I'm going to send you to earth with so much love to give. And you are going to encounter the type of gay man...

who are sent from the devil. Who make you hate yourself. To scorch the earth. And so I'm a crestfallen lover boy. Oh, that's beautiful. Sent down from heaven to partake in a punishment. Yeah. And that's what's my dating life. And he's like...

I'm a crestfallen lover boy. And that's what's my love life. I'm a crestfallen lover boy. That's beautiful. I'm a fallen from grace lover boy forced to mingle with these heathens. Yes, and he said, I'm going to give you more love than anyone's ever known what to do with. Yeah, and he said, by the way, I'm not going to send you back to Earth during a time when gay men were posthumously

pining for each other in silence and sharing beds at war and writing each other letters when they're kissing maybe once at the end of their lives. I'm not going to give you that. I'm going to send you to a time that has an application called Grindr.

And you're going to have to be on it. You're going to be on it. You're going to have to be on it. And you're going to be receiving taps and you're going to be sending taps. Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap. And you're going to be sleeping with guys who you may not even like. No, as people. And they don't like you either. Some of them you will know their name and some of them you will not. That's so true. I'm a crestfallen lover boy. You're a crestfallen lover boy in the wrong time of gayness. In the wrong time of gayness. In the wrong era of gayness. I was meant to be persecuted. Yeah.

I was. I'm not going to lie to you. When the idea of gay persecution, which is like really palpable right now, right? It kind of feels like we're going to do it again. Yeah, it's coming. It's coming. I'm a little like, I'm going to be good at it. I'm going to shine in this moment. Yeah, I'm going to be good at being persecuted. I'm going to be really good at being persecuted. I believe that. I believe that. What do you think your strong responses are going to be? Well, I'm going to go down with this ship. Yeah. I will go down with this ship. And what does she say right there? I won't porcupine up and remember. And?

And surrender. And remember. I won't porcupine up and remember. There will be no white flag above my door. Leanne rhymes. She's in love. She's on the beat. Always will be.

Look! If they persecute gay people, I'm going down with the ship. 100%. I know gay people who, when it comes, they will pretend that they have become straight again. They'll go back in the closet, you think? They'll definitely. I can already see some people hedging some bets. Really, really, really. Oh, yeah. Cowards all. Cowards all.

Cowards all. They will bury me as a gay man. Good for you for that. They will take me down. You really see that, though, when the going gets tough. You're like, I see some of my folks going back in the... For sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. Which, you know, I can't blame people. I can. Okay, you can. You absolutely can. I can. No, when things get bad for gay again... For gay...

Probably what? This summer or fall? I think we're close. I think we're like eight months out, maybe. A cool eight months out. Things are getting bad for gay again soon. And when they do, I'm going down with the ship. Good for you. They're going to give everyone a chance, I bet. They're going to say, if you want to repent and go to straight, come on over. I'll go, no. No, I'm gay. Kill me. You'll have to kill me before I'm not gay. Kill me. No, I'm doing gay.

I'm all in on gay. I'm so happy that that's the case. I'm all in on gay. Also, I do love you. This is me. Table full of chips. I'm in on gay. Okay? Run it. 52 black. Spin the fucking thing. I'm in on gay. I'm in on gay.

That's so beautiful. And true. And I love that you gave a realistic timeline. Yeah. Some people are out here being like, we've got like a year and a half. I'm like, I don't know. By the time the leaves change again, it'll be bad for gay. By the time we reach May, bad for gay. Bad for gay. And guess what I'll be doing? Dancing with my friends right up until they take me away.

I'll be dancing with my friends when they put the cuffs on. They had to round Caleb up. He was having the time of his life. I'll be smoking a joint at dinner with my friends when they cuff me. There will be no white flag above my door. They're pulling me out of a Chili's. It's a Chili's, thank God. That's the first place they're coming. That'll be the last place they come. They'll have gathered all the other gays. And they'll say, where are the fat ones? Where are the Chili's gays?

They'll say, where are the fat ones? Because we'll need to send extra team. And when they come for gay at Chili's, it'll be me and 17 lesbians. Oh my god. And it'll take a whole team. They'll have to use trank darts. Yep. So many drinks on the table that are blue. You know, the ends of like a fishbowl situation. After they trank me, I'll pass out in a skillet queso. They'll have to drag me out of there. But god, will I have lived. Oh!

I love it. I love it. I'm proud of you. When it gets bad for gay. I'm going down with it, sister. I couldn't be prouder. What will you do in the revolution? Hmm. I love, listen. What's your role? Where will you be? What's your role in the revolution? Here's my goal for this year. Say it. I,

I don't want to, I never want to try to lose weight ever again in my life. What I do want to do is have jacked arms. Nice. That's my goal for the next like six months. I want to get like traps and I want to get really good definition in my arms. And that's scary. When you see a lady with like a tank top on and like that. And then I'll go back to Tennessee and like get the guns that I have there. Yeah. And I'll do what I can for my people out here. Yeah. I'll travel across state lines. Yeah. And I'll come and stand in the resistance. Yeah. I guess. Or I'll be at Chili's with you.

Yeah, I'm not really going to take up arms. I'll let them take me from Chili's. I'm not really going to get a weapon about it.

I'm like, I don't want to go down in a, I'll just like take me to the camp or whatever. It's so, it's so funny that like everybody's dream of armed resistance. It's like, that's so funny. All my friends in the South, I'm like, you're done. Yeah. There's nothing, there's nothing you can do. You don't have to have a handgun. Yeah. I kind of want one now. I don't know what it is. Something's happening in me. Well, I can tell you what it is if you want me to. Please. Please. Please.

It's an understanding of the moment that we're in. It's so scary. What am I going to do with it? Can I say something? Yes. I feel happier than ever. Oh my God. Do you really? I really do. Okay. Something.

I really do. Okay. I really do. Something is happening. Tell me, tell me if this is how you feel. Yeah. Cause I've been experiencing the same thing where I've been experiencing like sort of an unbridled joy that I haven't had in a long time. And I think it's like a, I think it's like a big time, like fuck it. Like,

I'm not trying to fix myself anymore. That's insane. I'm just going to have a good time with my buddies. The masks are off. Yes. Okay. There's clans. There's clan meetings in the town squares. Everywhere. Everyone's a Nazi. Yeah. Elon Musk is in charge of the treasury or something. He's got my social security number. He's in his... RFK doesn't believe in vaccines. We're going to have him do health and human services.

They're going to have a fucking wrestling wife do the Department of Ed for a week, and then they're going to shut it down. And then they're going to shut it down. They're not giving passports to certain kinds of people anymore. They're turning Guantanamo Bay into a concentration camp. You're going to tell me that I'm supposed to be all sad? I'm a little bit of fun. Someone play the new Lady Gaga track. Someone play Abracadabra, would you please?

It's like this, I'm happy. I'm scared, but by God, am I dancing. Do you find yourself... Okay, I'm dancing. I'm dancing. I'm doing a little drugs on the weekends, like old times. I'm like belly laughing a lot. Yes. My friends are making me laugh a lot. Yes. God's honor. I'm laughing about it. I'm laughing in the face of all of it. I know, I'm feeling the same thing. Well, I'm horrified, but I'm just like, we gotta have fun. I know. We gotta have fun. Someone referred to my birthday party as...

I can't remember the exact wording, but somebody said it felt like the kind of party that you can only have right before freedom ends. And I thought, it does! That's beautiful. Freedom reached its climax at your birthday party. That was the freest anyone's ever been. We're right on the precipice of fascism. And I think, good golly, let's have some fun with it.

Good night. Can we have a good time? I'm putting in Coyote Ugly into the CD-ROM player. Yes. I'm going and having drinks with my friends and dancing. There's a tank rolling down my street, and guess what? I'm in my house like this. It's Tiananmen Square, but it's just you.

Yeah, I'm having fun. I am happy. I am randomly happy. I am soberly aware of how bad the political climate is. 100%. Every day. I know that it's bad and getting worse. And, you know, I think there is something to be said about, look, I'm doing my part. I'm doing what I can. I'm sharing things. I'm donating things. Right. Giving money. I'm doing what I can. Uh-huh.

But I will have fun on the way out. 1,000%. I will. And you know what? I don't think many people are putting words to this, but I think a lot of people are feeling that. I think they're feeling it. And can I tell you something? When they put all the gay guys in a camp for a couple weeks. Gonna be fun. Gonna be fun. Gonna be fun.

It's going to be fun. The shower sex at the gay camp? The shower sex at the gay camp when everything's going to hell? Yeah. Yeah, sorry. Because, yeah. I guess it's going to be hot. It's not just going to be hot. I'm going to cry because...

It's not just going to be shower sex. It's going to be like, we might not get to do this tomorrow. Ever again sex. Yeah. It's like, this might be the last time I come. Oh my God. You know those, what are they called? Good night. What is it in Pompeii? Those skeletons that are like hugging each other. Yeah. Kind of 6,000 year old like rubble. Yeah. It's just you and the 80 gig guys in the showers. Yeah. Yes. Okay.

A chorus line. That's right. A chorus line of fucking. For a couple weeks. For a couple weeks. For a couple weeks the camp's gonna be a key. And then obviously I envision it will get dark. I think so probably.

Oh, at the camps? Yeah, I think it might be. Yes, once they decide to go there, I imagine, yes, it'll get dark, but boy, oh boy, oh boy. You and another guy talking at the camp. I do imagine that at some point this will get dark. Well, it's good. I'm going to know all of them. You know what I mean? I know like every gay guy.

Justin, this is about to get bad. Justin, this is going to get dark, but in the meantime, I know a place where there's no cameras. I know a place. I know a place we can go. Come on. Okay, but where are... Because you're not an L.A. boy anymore. No, ma'am. I want to live in New York City so bad. Move! I know. What are you doing? I don't know what I'm doing. Move to New York. I don't know what I'm doing. Well, I was there when you were there. I was supposed to be at your damn party, and I...

Why didn't you come? I had shows that ran really, really late, and then I went to sleep. Yeah, the shows didn't run until 4 a.m., I'm guessing. Did your party go until 4 a.m.? Yeah. No one was texting me back. Who? CG. She's a fake dumb bitch. She didn't text you back because she's a fake dumb bitch who doesn't like you. It's a chicken and an egg situation. Yeah.

Did she not text back because she's a fake dumb bitch? Is she a fake dumb bitch because she didn't text back? Either way, all things the same. When your car breaks down, you take it to a mechanic with no hesitation. You need it. And it's not something most guys can fix themselves. And people should think the exact same way about EV.

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Okay.

No, it was a fabulous party. You were missed dearly. It looked so fun. I couldn't believe you weren't there. I know, I'm a fool. Well, and I just, I went for like a week and a half, and this is the first time I've ever done that just for stand-up. Just been like, okay, I'm just going to go do as much comedy as I possibly can. Never had a better time in my entire life. I've never, it's insane. Were you there before you were here? I lived there for two summers in college. Okay, okay, okay. And I really enjoyed it.

But I gotta say, I'm glad I was broke in Chicago. I don't think I would have liked being broke in New York. I liked being broke in Chicago. Fine. It was doable. Totally. Uh, I like living in New York with a more comfortable financial situation. I can pay my bills, which is nice. Um,

And I enjoy coming to LA every once in a while. Yeah. It's nice. Well, that's the move. And like, I don't know, this is actually the time in my life for me and my guy both where I'm like, we could do this a little bit better than we could have five years ago. It's not going to be luxurious. No. It's not going to be beautiful. But the bills are paid. But the bills are paid and we could get something decent and live in Brooklyn and have a fun time. You could. You could live by me. Where are you? I'm in Brooklyn. He says the exact address to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, where am I? Yeah.

We'll offline. But yeah, you guys should come out there. Move out there. I know, I like it. It'd be fun. And for someone who cares about stage time. I do. And you really do. Well, it was very stupid. I was like, the last day I was there, I was like, okay, what am I even doing? I had like 12 sets or something. Like, truly unbelievable. And it's like, at a certain point, is there a plateau? 1,000%. You do not. I don't do all that. That's a lot. It is a lot. You do not need to be doing that. New York Comics and I, we don't see eye to eye on that. No, you don't. They're like, New York's about stage time. I'm like, New York's about dinner.

You're so fucking right though. New York's about dinner and a long walk home. You're so right. To me. There were several times that week where I was like, I would rather go eat seafood than do the three remaining spots that I have. I want to go try a new restaurant. I want to go on a date. Do you know what my favorite night in New York is? What?

Date. Dinner date. Cute guy. Dinner date. Fun. Maybe you make out a little bit outside. Of course you're kissing outside. Maybe by the train. Of course you're kissing outside. It's cold. You're not. You gotta kiss. Then cut the evening short. Don't sleep with him. Okay. It's like you're reinventing the form. Go meet up with your friends. Mm-hmm.

Have a great night with your friends. Go to a bar or two. Maybe do something, you know, go see a movie. Do something. See your friends. Then text the guy what's going on. Then meet up. Then have sex. That's beautiful and that's so allowed. I'm going to cry. I'm going to cry. I'm going to cry.

That's beautiful. It is beautiful. And that's so accepted in New York. Like there were several times there where I would be with a friend for like four hours and then we would take a six hour hiatus and then get back together after spots. Like everybody's just around. Yeah. Everybody's around in the area. Yeah. When I go home today, I'm gonna be home for seven days. Yeah. You know what I mean? I'm not gonna fucking get out of my bed for seven days. One of the key differences between New York and LA is when someone says, I'll see you later. They might. In New York, it might happen. Yeah. In LA, hey.

Hey. Hey. I love you so much. You'll be lucky if you ever see them again. Exactly. There's a reason I've hung out with you four times. Yeah. That wouldn't be the case in here. Mostly your fault. Yeah. Do you feel that? Yes. I feel that it's mostly your fault. I take that on. No, it's my fault. I'm bad. I'm bad. I'm bad. Well, I'm a bad hanger here just generally. Yeah. Because you have to like, I don't know. When I was- You guys were homophobic husbands. Yeah. You guys have that going on.

We have to be at home and he has to be home if I'm there. Well, he doesn't give you permission to go out that often, so on the nights that he does. No! No! We were out the other night and he is a much more introverted person than I am. But it's so funny because he's like a quiet guy. He's like a shy guy. And I'll bring him around comedians, other people who just can't shut the fuck up and never let anyone speak if they're not screaming. And he was around somebody that I would say he's been around...

15 times and at the end of the night the guy was like your husband's really funny I was like yeah you should let other people talk for like one second you should shut the fuck up you should shut up he's so much funnier than you you've never let him say a word it's really insane wait until you hear what he has to say about bi women oh he's a hoot he's a hoot and a holler I'm not allowed to talk to girls he's a regular riot I've painted him so I've got rules on where I can go no

No, I'm kidding. For everyone listening, he's lovely. He's lovely. I am supposed to say that. He doesn't let me look at them. He's lovely. He's holding up a sign to me in the corner of the room that says, say that I'm lovely. He has a knife to chance his neck. Yeah. Well, all of our guests do that. Hang out with Chance for five minutes. You'll pull a knife, too. Aw. Aw. You know who's got a knife to my neck? Chance, every month when it's time to get paid.

Not this face. Not this punchline delivery face. He's got a knife to my neck. Everybody who works here, when it's time to get paid. I'm kidding. That's the worst guy I've ever seen in my entire life. He's at the store every night. He is. He runs the place. He's at the store every night. He kills at the cellar. Sorry, I'm about to say something. Yeah, I've never been to prison, but I've got a wife. The blinking. So you can say I live with a warden.

I'm so triggered by that guy. I am so triggered by that guy. It's kind of fun. I want to take, I want to get, I haven't done stand up in a minute, but when I get back to it, I think I want to take on an affect like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. It's the Tim Heidecker. Exactly right. It's the Tim Heidecker bit. God, Tim is so funny. He's so good at everything. Put that picture on screen in the actual episode. That's so fucking funny.

Sorry, I went there. It's the blinking. The blinking is insane, actually. And I think that's one that you came up with. So what do you think is going to happen to our country? Bad. You think? Bad. You're from the South. I'm from the South. You're from Tennessee. Yes. And you're a liberal girl. Yes, very. Even a leftist, I would say. Yes, yeah. Even to go so far as. Very left politics. And I'm sure you have some Republican family. Everyone. Everyone except for my mother. What do you think? What are we going to do? How do we do it? So I've been... Me and my...

Me and my father are done fighting. We had it for years. I'll challenge him on everything, but it's like I'm not going to waste my time. Me and my brother spend...

nine hours a day texting each other and arguing about Elon Musk. I'm serious. This is where I'm putting all of my creative energy. I haven't written a joke in a month and a half because I am just railing against my brother all day. And he's saying things. He's one of those people who's like loves to troll, just loves to get an argument going. He's bored. I'm bored. It's the middle of the day. I don't have a job anymore. You know, I'm just locked in. And then by the end of the day, we will have completely just come right back to the start. And he's just saying something hateful and awful. And it's driving me insane. Yeah. But I also think he's like

He's one of the few people I know who's like Musk good. And I just can't. There's nothing. There's like no. I have no recourse for that. I can't. If you're starting with like that guy's good and it's right that he's doing all this stuff. I don't.

I don't know. I don't know what to tell you. Elon Musk has single-handedly... We were making so much progress on autistic people. I know. And then he... We were making so much progress. We were like, it's fine if bright lights scare you. Yes. We were getting so cool. You don't know what to do with your face? Me neither. That's fine. Oh, no worries. Yeah, numbers can be fun or whatever the fuck. We were getting there with them. Oh, why is that up so high? No, train sets. Stuff like that. You know what? We were getting there with autistic people. Yeah. Can you not scratch your leg like that? Yes. Fine. Elon just tanked the autism stock.

with the fucking gay little jumps. He's got our social security numbers. He has every single piece of our data. Hello! Is anyone worried about this? Is anyone worried about this? He's hiring 19-year-old Nazis. 19-year-old little Nazi boys. To go through our finances. And they're cutting... Also, this is the thing I don't get about these guys. They're going...

We have an America first agenda. We're not going to be stopping AIDS in other countries. It's like they're cutting funding to AIDS. Hey, guess what happens if that gets out of control? Dumb fuck. You dumb idiot. It comes over here too. And then we're not going to care about it here? You've already taken down half the fucking websites about everything. Also the website scrubbing. It's so strange to me. Because I think they literally removed every single federal website that made any mention of

diversity, inclusion, accessibility. Like they just scrubbed. It's unbelievable. Here's my theory that I've been thinking about a lot. These guys have weird dicks, right? Totally. Right? Every billionaire has a weird looking dong. Totally. Egg shaped. We saw it with Epstein. It looks strange, right? Yeah. I think that once you reach a billion dollars...

I should be able to see it. Your dick. And I think it should be his profile picture on X. Yeah. So that every time he's doing something terrible and tyrannical and racist and Nazi shit, I at least get to go, weird little dingy though, you know? I think so. And I want to see Bezos's. I'm sure it's weird. I'm sure it looks like his face. Totally.

I think that's my right as an American. To see their dicks. Yeah, to see their weird little peen. If I have to hear about you every day, if you have my social security number, show me your cock. I get to see your dick, yeah. Interesting. That's really interesting. Cool. Cool, man. Cool, man. Whoa. Fuck, Laura. This was fun. Fuck, dude.

I truly at this juncture cannot believe that I have to hear about these men every day of my life. You know what I mean? And that's the rest of our country. That's the rest of the democracy. Do you want to hear about my hopium? Do you want to hear about my hope core? Yes, please. Do you want to hear about why I feel so hopeful? Yeah. This isn't going to work.

what they're doing is not going to work. It will collapse in on itself. I feel really like most people, I really think most people are not racist. I really think most people, given the actual confronted with an actual person different than them, most people are like, hey man, how's it going? 100%. I think most people are nice. I think most people are normal. I think that this will backfire. All this shit that they're doing right now, they're drumming up the bass and they're making it so exciting for all these people

misguided people who are interested in whatever the fuck they're doing. Yes. But I don't think it's going to work. It can't. And then on the other side of it, I think there's going to be a real opportunity for people like us who are actually pro-working class, who are not racist and evil, who don't hate immigrants for no fucking reason. No reason at all. Who like trans people and love trans people, but...

But there's going to be a window for people like us, which is not the Democrats, by the way. The Democrats are not as bad, but they're fucking also stupid and fumbling. They're so stupid and they're so ineffectual and they just have been for too long. I think there's going to be a window for people like us to come in and say, OK, here's a real plan.

Yeah. Here's a pro-immigrant, pro-trans, pro-gay, pro-worker. Because the thing is, like, a farmer in Iowa has way more in common with a trans woman in L.A. Oh, my God. Than anything with a billionaire. And finally, like, I have been more than I have in the past several years as, like, the rise of this has happened. I have been seeing so, so many working class white people just being like,

hey, buddy, like you've been misguided. You've been lied to. And let me tell you why and how. And let me tell you how this hurts agriculture in every way. Our jobs, our livelihoods, our families. And this is a grift. Like you can admit that you don't have to like apologize, but you can admit that you've been misled by this group of people.

Not for nothing, not just working class white people. Yeah. Working class black and Hispanic people as well. Yes. Oh, 100%. The right is making a lot of gains with those people. I know. Yeah. And so as fun as I think it's been for people on the left to go, poor white people, bad. Yeah. Yeah. Poor white people are voting overwhelmingly bad. Yeah. But even more than that, middle class white people. Yeah.

So it's not just poor white people. It's white people in general. And then also, growingly, Hispanic people and black people as well. Yeah, I know. No, the margins are nowhere near similar, but there's a growth there. And so I think we've been doing ourselves on the left a real disservice by being like, poor white people, what do you need to hear from us? Yeah, that's true. The reality is working people in general, of all races, have got to get an understanding of the fact that like,

A transgender DJ in L.A. Yeah, is not. And an undocumented line cook in Kentucky. These people have more in common with most all of us than you ever will with Elon Musk. Or with anybody making, I mean, we're looking at the tax plan today. It's like literally under 500K. Yeah.

a year, you will be paying more in taxes. So it's like... What's happening to the people over that? They're going to get killed. Hold on, I didn't read that. What's going on? What happens to gay podcasters who make $20 billion a week? Oh no, Caleb! Am I in trouble? You're in big trouble.

Big trouble. What if I give away like $100,000? Picking at your microphone. What about a gay podcaster who makes $20 billion a week? I really care about people, I think. From MeUndies and Casper mattresses. Which are extremely comfortable, by the way. Yes, I love a Casper. Wait, that's your camera. Get your camera. I love Casper mattresses. Good night.

I know, it's crazy. Well, it is working people versus non-working people. It is, but we have to... I think, yeah, I do think there's a lot of hope that I have that we can make that case. And it's, yeah, it's actually a really easy message. We just have to find someone on the national level who can make it well. Yeah, truly. Are there people that you...

I'm obviously losing hope for the Democratic Party, but it's like, who do we need right now? Who is the person for this moment? I've lost faith in candidates in general. I don't donate to them. I don't promote them. I find it hard to believe I would ever have one on this show. I just don't care about candidates anymore. I think that stumping for candidates, either side, lamest shit you can do. Humiliating, right? Lamest shit.

in the world. Well, I just had a friend text me about this really cool socialist candidate for an office that I think is really cool. And I like his platform, but I'm just like, I don't want to do it because they always let me down. I know whether they win or not. I'm like, I want to focus on causes. If I had to pick a party, I think maybe the, but they have no power, but that's the thing is none of the good ones do. But working families party is very exciting to me. I've read a bunch of their stuff. I like the working families party. I think they're

They're having a lot of the same conversations that I'm trying to have about class and work and things like that. So maybe them. Yeah. But parties, I don't know. I don't know. It's just not working. I don't know. It's not working. I'm done with the Democrats. I'm done with the Democrats. It is hysterical. The failure and the refusal to change in any meaningful way. They're already talking about midterm. They're already talking about pushing their messaging further to the center, further right. It's like, have we done nothing? Have we made absolutely no progress?

Hey guys, someone's doing that. Yeah. Yeah. And they're winning against you. To the extreme. You fucking morons. To agree, it's so fucking annoying. You fucking idiots. Huh?

I cannot fucking believe it, dude. I cannot fucking believe it. It's the least cool shit in the world. You know what I mean? On top of that, on top of it being incorrect, not effective, it's also so fucking lame. Also, can we just go down with some fucking dignity? Can we lose? Can you just try being what you say you are and just if you lose, you can at least hold your head high? Yeah, a little bit. That's the thing with the Kamala losses. We can't even hold our heads high because she was out there every day being like, I have a gun. She's like, she's like,

I have a gun. Frankly, I'm a cop. And Liz Cheney will be my vice president. She's like, what? When the gun thing happened, I was like, I truly, I thought so hard. I was like, what voter was that for? She was like, my Glock. What? What? I got my Glock in my hand. You're like, what are you talking about? See, I was like, is there, I love thinking about like a farmer in Iowa being like,

Wait a minute. I didn't like that strong black woman. Yeah. But I love that she's armed. Or her like every fucking time she got an opportunity being like, nobody has done more deportations than me. Hey, this is good. Okay. Very good point. Also, incredible impression. Passed twice. You've tested twice? I'm going to spit everywhere because I'm so shocked. Are you serious? On a white guy who can do a conmoa.

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I'm scared to say it. I have a decent Maya Angelou. I haven't done it. Okay. I haven't done it. I'm scared to say this, but I'm going to say it because you've been so brave. In terms of...

the sort of nasal quality of her voice not that far from Kamala I could see you being really great at it thank you god that's fun it reminds me of that was it always sunny when he does CCH Pounder god damn it he like nails it really killer so fucking funny cause if you're a guy like me and you watched all of the shield twice you'll love to see a CCH Pounder

I think Carson and I were watching some sort of ridiculous hype house reality show. This was one of the days that you were allowed to watch TV? Yeah, this was one of the days that he let me watch TV. I also got to text one of my girlfriends that day. That was a big one. This guy was like 19 and he was talking about being depressed before he started to be a content creator. And he goes, 19 year old kid, he goes, I just didn't have anybody to collaborate with. What?

And we were like, hey, brother, are you talking about having a friend? Yeah, I just I wanted to link and build with people, but there was no one to link and build with. I just didn't have anybody to collab with. Like, I was alone and not collabing a lot of the time. I wanted to collab. Like, I'd be like, yo, who wants to collab on, like, dinner tonight? Or, like, does someone want to collab on, like, bowling? Do you want to collab on, like, maybe just talking about our feelings for a few hours? Does anyone want to collab on hanging out at my place? Yeah.

You have to start saying that. Cameras off? I do say that. Of course you do. I do say that. Do you want to collab on a hang tonight? Hey, I'm looking for creators. I'm looking for creators in the comedy space to collab. It's four people that you text every day. Black Cat, 10 o'clock Thursday night, no cameras.

I want a clob. There was this guy that I saw that I haven't opened Facebook in years, and I opened it a few months ago, and I saw that someone had tagged me in a post that they had made, and it was LA's most overrated comedians. It was this guy who, I guess, just sucks for a living. And he wrote, it's not fair that she gets stage time because she has a good frame.

As in my body. I feel that way about you. I mean... I feel that way, but I've been saying that for years. I'm kind of a breakout. I say, I say, I say, she only gets stage time because of her va-va-voom! Ha ha ha!

Her beautiful figure. That's psychotic. Frame. He tagged you in that? Yeah, he tagged me in it. What a fucking psycho. I loved it. I was obsessed. I liked it. I commented on it. Do you actually love her? I said, good frame. Yeah, hilarious. What are you talking about? That's so evil to me. This is a person that I've never seen in my entire life. Like, just a totally mentally ill, like, open mic-er. Her frame. I love her frame. Sorry, that cord's been bothering me.

It's been bothering me the whole episode. I had to do something about it. You did. You're nicer than I am because I would have went the fuck off on that guy. Well, I'm like, if this was a person that I had even remotely knew existed, I would be like, oh, that makes me really sad. And this is what I... We were talking about it a little bit at the beginning, but I'm like, I am fielding finally. I have no traction on the internet. It's going to make me put a gun in my mouth ever. Hate it so much. Hate it so much. The bane of my fucking existence. Yeah. But whenever you do, you're like, oh, thank God. And then it's just like the cruelest shit you've ever seen in your life. Oh, yeah. How do you...

Well... Shoot him with a gun. If you're me, you pretend that they're kidding. I like that. That helps me a lot. I go, oh, he was kidding. They're doing a bit. Someone's saying something brutally mean about me. I go, okay, they're joking around. Hilarious to joke around like that. Yeah, so funny. You wouldn't actually want me dead over nothing. I love that. I love that. I love that. Helps a little bit. I've started going...

that famously there was a guy who commented on, um, a video of mine where I'm doing standup and I just have the tits that I have. The joke was not in any way about my body and whatever. I just have the, the, the frame that I was gifted. Yeah. And this guy, this guy commented, I can't look at you when I say this, I have to close my eyes. He commented and he said, he said, somebody drain those milkers before they rupture. Yeah.

He's looking out for you. Doesn't it sound like something the city has to do? Like a government employee comes down. Sorry, ma'am. This has been at the top of the docket for three weeks. I have a family. Did they bring you out to Altadena when the fires were going? Shut the fuck up. So it's just we could contain like 30% of this. I mean, they're going to rupture soon anyway. If we drain those milkers.

Somebody. Somebody. Somebody. God, anybody. Dude, that's insane. It was the craziest. And I DM'd this man. And I said, you know, people say a lot of insane things on the internet. I said, I cannot put into words how much this disturbed me. It made me feel crazy. It made me feel like I was going to chop my own tits off. It made me feel out of my mind. It gave me body dysmorphia. 100%. And he goes, my bad, and deleted it.

That's kind of beautiful. And Carson is at home right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we've been married. So I married him. So I married him. That's insane. Also, I love the idea. It's such a funny thing to launch at a woman to be like, you're only getting ahead in comedy because you're beautiful.

Yeah, that classic thing that audiences laugh at. A beautiful person. Oh, yeah. You are beautiful, but it's like, no, you kill because you're funny. It's like, to be like, a huge, gorgeous pair of tits up there. I'm laughing already. Exactly. They hate me. It's like, guys, that's not... They hate coming in

Every op on every side of the room is just like a woman who kind of immediately doesn't like you because you get your tits out a little bit. A guy who is angry and doesn't think women are funny. So it's like every single time you're getting people back on your side. Exactly. You're not going up there. Unless I was like tripping and falling over them. It's not like a thing that's going to make people laugh.

I'm not doing slapstick with them. Have you seen her titty slapstick in the new hour? I just can't stand up right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. My frame. That's so funny. What's your frame? My tender frame. It was gifted to you. By God. By Titty God. Should I name myself Titty God? Special. My rap career goes crazy. Special title. We're a peak Titty God. T-I-T-T-I-G-O-D. Of course. G-A-W-D. Titty God. Leanne Roy. Leanne Roy.

Okay. We in rhymes. Titty God. It's my catchphrase after every single punchline. I wipe myself with a towel and say, we in rhymes. Titty God. Titty God.

Yeah, you're like a black 90s comic. 100%. I'm an earthquake up there just wiping my brow. Titty God. So I told him, get lost. Titty God. Shout it out in a way that only Bernie Mac could have pulled off. Oh, God. It is bombing, by the way. Bombing. Every single time it is eating shit. Titty God's eating shit. Titty God. Titty God.

Dude, you know what I've been re-watching? What? The Bernie Mac show. Oh my God, it's so good. I haven't watched it since I was a child, but I remember really liking it. I love him. I miss him. He's so entertaining. And he would just, they set it up so perfectly where every confessional was just him going, America. And then he would just address the nation. Yes, it was beautiful. It was beautiful.

It was amazing. This is kind of a, I feel like kind of a hack standup thing, but if I am feeling badly about myself comedically, I will go and watch that Apollo set every single fucking time. I watch like five times a week. I'm not scared of you motherfuckers. I'm not scared of you motherfuckers. Incredible. It's the best standup set that's ever been recorded. Yes. And it's him just

What is it? Kiki Hitta. Every time. Kiki Hitta. It's so good. Fucking Blair music. It's so good. Inspirational. I've read articles about that set. Truly, like, I forget about it often, and then I go back to it, and I'll mention it to a comedian. They're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I watch it all the time. It's like, it is the most monumental stand-up set ever recorded. And it makes me feel better about myself, because I am scared of these motherfuckers. Oh, the audience. Titty God. Titty God's a little fearful. Titty God.

Titty God is scared of you motherfuckers. I'm not going to lie. I'm scared of y'all. Titty God. I'm not going to lie. I'm a little scared. I'm going to bomb. Titty God. Being vulnerable. That's Titty God. My mental health is slipping a little bit. Titty God. And y'all know what time it is? Titty God needs to take her medication. They yell it back to you. No one says anything. Titty God.

This is after I know we're in New Leaf. Yeah, my mental health's been in the drain a little bit. My husband won't let me talk to women. Titty God. So stupid. Oh my God, I love it. My Titty God. What's so true to you? Oh, I was thinking about this. Wait, what was my thing? Most people don't. Oh, okay, yes, I did. I read your email. I do have it on my phone. Is that okay? That's fine, I guess. Just maybe... So we've been trying... I'm not as smart as you, Caleb. I can't keep it in my head. Okay. Okay.

Me and Carson have been looking for a new place. We've been trying to move within LA. And the things that they want from you. They want my past three employers. You're going to call my employers? I don't talk to them anymore. They hate me. I was run out of there. Yeah, literally. I hate every job I've ever left. What, do you not? You've never had a job? You fuck? Okay.

So when we get these in the application, I think I should be able to submit an application back to them that has the following questions. Okay, yes. Have you ever evicted anyone? Yeah. If yes, please explain. Yeah. Get them.

Please provide the contact information of a minimum four tenants who have lived in your properties in the last five years. I'm going to call them. Yes, because I do want to talk to them. I do want to talk to them. Does he come and fix shit on time? Yeah. Is he mean to you? Why'd you leave? Did you find out there was lead in the bathroom? 100%. Now they're not going to tell you? Did you wake up with a cockroach in your mouth? Yeah. Tell me. No. Stand by that. Okay. Have you increased rent without any meaningful updates to the property in the last five years? If yes, please explain why.

If so, explain. Yeah.

It's valid. I don't know if that falls under so true, but I cannot get over how much they want from me while giving me nothing in return. I'm giving you every piece of my financial history. Yeah. My social security number. I know nothing about them. And I have to move quick? Yeah. For the privilege of paying your mortgage? I'm going to give you my social security. What are you, Elon Musk? Landlords go to hell when they die. They do. They go to hell when they die. They do. And no one's talking about that. I think they're...

If anything is right in the world, they're all already kind of in hell. You know what I mean? Yeah. They always seem so frantic and worried. It's like, you should be. You know what? You don't have a real life. Yeah. You're taking my money and letting me live in squalor. Yeah. I hate them. I know. Me too. And that's why all my tenants are friends. Ha ha ha.

That's my family. I don't have tenants. I have family. And when I get some more just MeUndies money, I get them some extra stuff. I've got hundreds of units across the country. Those are my sons. And those are my sons living in there. Titty God. And that's on Titty God.

I do. I love them. No, I do. It's so funny watching your friends start to make money and then the values that change so quickly with the justification. It's crazy. You seriously, if you are a comedian who's around other artists that are starting to do well, you will go to a lunch with a friend who's a leftist and you will hear some version of, well, don't we need good landlords? Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

It'll just, it'll be like a week. You look over, they're wearing a hat that says it. You're like, wait. Hold on. It's like their merch now. You're like, whoa. Good landlords exist. Yeah. Question mark. Please, Perhans. It's so quick. It's so fast. This is how I know that your politics are real. Yeah. Because they're not going anywhere. No. I'm not a landlord. Not yet. Those are my sons. Those are my sons. Titty God. That's on Titty God. That's on Titty God.

You need to rebrand. I am ready. I'm ready. You need to rebrand as Titty Gone. Something isn't working, so I think it's time for Titty Gone. Oh my God, that's so funny. Yeah, landlords, they're asking too much. They're giving us nothing. Let's also remember how funny it is that I moved to New York, paid an amount of money for a broker's fee that I cannot even explain to you. The amount I paid for the broker's fee was in the many thousands of dollars. Oh my God. And then three weeks later, they banned broker's fees.

And I said, hey, y'all. What happened? Let's set the session up a little earlier in the year next time. Oh, no. Like, I'm pretty sure I... You paid the last broker fee. I paid the last broker fee. I got that woman through December and January. They made you pay so much money that we were like, we don't need these anymore. They're good. Her kids are going to college. Kato took care of it. Yeah. I was like, what the fuck?

They can't even do that shit anymore. It's illegal the way I was treated last month. Yeah, the way you guys treated me last month, you can go to jail for now. The Caleb Heron Law. We robbed this guy blind. And that's not right. They took a look in the mirror. You made them come to jail. You gave them so much money. They said, guys, we can't keep doing this to people. He said, if you're at his party, he's just a comedian. What we did to that young gay man. Golly. Golly. Knock it off.

Knock it off right now. We can't keep doing this to people. Oh my god. It's like, yeah, I'm the one that put it over the edge. Not like the immigrants that they fuck out of school money for their children. It was me that they were like, no, guys, it's not right. Y'all see that white comedian that we did that to? Come on, he podcasts so hard. He's riffing into oblivion, this guy. He's in the studio coming up with all kinds of things to talk about. You really do have to come up with so much to talk about. He's got his guests. Say hi to a podcaster.

You really have to think of a lot of things to talk about. He's got his guests. Most people go with like, you know, famous people, but he's got just having his friends on. Titty God. You did have Titty God on though. Did you see that? Did you see that? Everyone's like, oh, we love her. It's just me and Glover hanging out.

Laura, what's given you hope? What's making you feel happy? Tell me that. Ooh, I think, I mean, we touched on it a little bit. The kind of impending doom that we're feeling, and you just made me feel a lot better about it, actually, that it's too dumb to succeed. They won't actually wreck our whole country. But there is something that's happening as a result of that where I'm just, like, happy. I'm being, you know what I'm doing? I'm being very forgiving of myself. I'm a very shameful, guilt-ridden person. Yeah.

And I'm doing less of that because I'm like, listen, you're on the right side of stuff. You're going to try your best and don't just give yourself shit all day, every day. Are you accompanying that grace with some work as well? Yeah. You mean like on me or content? Like on content. Are you producing enough content? Are you at least putting out reels? Are you at least putting out reels while you're easy on yourself? I love that you're giving yourself a good time and an easier time, but...

Hey, love that you're not being so hard on yourself, but can you at least put out a TikTok every day? Views are down. Yeah, views are down and we need them. No, here's what I would say. Everybody, give yourself more grace. Yes. But everybody, this is for the people listening, everybody find something to work on. To help. Yes. Find something to work on. Because I do think there is a problem with a lot of white people. A lot of white people are going, you know what? It's not.

This is about me. I'm going to take care of me. 100%. I'm going to stop being so hard on myself. 100%. Here's what I would tell a lot of, especially moneyed, cis, white, straight, privileged white people. Maybe be a little harder on yourself. Yeah, that's true. You just fucking clocked me so hard. I don't know if that's you because I don't know what you do. But I'm saying, I will say, I am working on not making myself so crazy about all of it. I am reading less. Straight up. I'm going to read less of the news. Period. I agree with that. There are going to be bad things that happen to people that I'm not reading about.

Yeah, that I don't hear about. And I'm not going to. Okay? But I am. I do know my little parts. I do know where I'm giving time and money and resources. I do have my little sector of the world that I'm trying to make better. Yep. And that at least makes me feel a little better about being less hard on myself. I do have some friends, most of them white women because the men didn't care in the first place. Yeah.

Most of them white women who are pretty privileged in the world. They've got couch jobs. And they're going, I'm not going to beat myself up over it. And I'm thinking, I'd like you to beat yourself up a little bit. I want to talk about this.

Because I wrote down on my phone the other day, like, the most self-involved person you've ever spoken to your entire life being like, this year's about me. And it's like, when was it? When were you donating most of your time before this? I really don't think... What were you doing? What were you doing that was so selfless to begin with? I'm very allergic to that person. I also... When I, like...

I think the only place or despair or whatever or like shame, guilt, whatever, all this shit, the only thing that lifts you out of that is being productive in some way for another person, for anybody else. So you're exactly right. I'm allergic to that girl. I hope I'm not that girl. I don't want to be that girl. But I also am like,

there's so much opportunity. We live in these major cities where it's just like, ice is fucking everywhere. Go volunteer. Go find people that you can actually help. Get to know your neighbors a little bit. And don't just sit around and self-pity. Yeah, that's massive. Also, well, yes, because I'm finding, I think that hopelessness is a privileged person's disease. It is. The number of privileged people I'm talking to that are going, it's just hopeless. I'm hopeless. And I go, why don't you go create some fucking hope then? Yeah. Because you have money and time.

Yeah. And you know who doesn't have money and time to create hope? The fucking undocumented people that are getting yanked out of the restaurant you go to every week. 1,000%. So I think it's a balance. I think, yes, we need to... I think joy is a very critical part of surviving times like this. I think joy is so important. And I'm not kidding when I say I am very happy. I do want there to be joy. I do want to have fun with my friends. I do want to acknowledge that, like...

It is necessary to have joy in any successful movement. God knows they're having fun doing what they're doing over there. Oh, they're having the time of their lives. We have to have fun. But I don't want that to be confused for apathy and laziness. Yes, 100%. You know? 100%. I also don't want to be... There's this thing that I'm very weary of that I don't want to be marketed as like...

the moral comedian. You know, like the good guy. Because I don't want to do... I care about stuff, but I'm like, I don't want to be like... It's like the Ellen DeGeneres disease where she got... That'll never happen to me because I'm not that clean. Yeah.

But there's like a thing where people attribute a certain thing to you so much that it's like then you can never live up to it. It becomes bigger than you. Well, you'll never be afflicted by that because you're very funny. You know what I mean? It's like I don't think you're – I don't think you've ever been the type of comic I'm the same way where I'm like – getting your point across is huge and keeping your morals about you when you do your stand-up is huge. But it's like I'm not waiting for a clap. I don't want a clap. I want you to laugh really, really hard. And I want to not sacrifice – I don't want to fucking turn into a right-wing grifter like always.

Like some of these guys. Like a lot of these fellas. So yeah, but it's like you do that very effectively, I think. Thanks, dude. Yeah, the separation of the funniest first. And then, I mean, listen to you. You know what you're talking about. And you're a progressive. Thank you. That's very nice. But I don't really worry about becoming a right-wing grifter because that requires such a level of evil. No, it's terrifying. But there's actually this worst thing that I kind of fear that I wonder if you ever think about where I'm like,

I don't worry about becoming a right-wing grifter because I know that I actually don't think, I just don't think I'm capable of that level of evil. I really don't. And of just like discord inside of your own soul. Just true hateful nastiness. Yeah, that's gross. I'm like, I actually don't think I have that within me. That's not to say I'm an angel, but I don't have that. You certainly don't. But I do worry about becoming a complacent centrist. Mm.

Or not even a complacent centrist, but like a limousine liberal or something where it's like there's a complacency that I see with people who really do have good values and really do care, but because their shit's locked down and they're going to be okay. Yeah. I do watch some very good people just become like,

Well, you know. Do you mean comics? Do you mean artists? People that are making art? I think artists. Yeah. I think artists. And not even just that. I also mean people who have really good day jobs. I've got a couple friends making $130,000, $140,000. A lot of money. Yeah. Living in the Midwest and they've got good values and we march together at all the things. It's a little different there because they don't have...

There's a specific thing that happens with artists where the criticism of everything starts to kind of stop once they get successful. Yeah. Because now they know these people. Well, yeah, now they know these people and now they're on such a larger platform where they're like...

I've been about my business, or I've been moral in this exact way for a really long time, and I've used that as a part of me that people know publicly. And to see that shut down in the face of getting bigger is crazy to me. I see it happen at stand-up a ton. And everybody has their own... Look, you don't want to call out a certain powerful person because maybe they do give you a job, and you do have bills to pay. And so it is a constant negotiation between...

look, I'm not going to be able to help anybody if I'm fucking out of house and home. At 100%. You know, but at the same time, there's, nobody gets to live blame-free under capitalism. I'm sitting on this podcast, probably right at this moment it's going to cut to an ad of me being like, you know, and I'm like,

And I'm not even going to say a brand because we value our sponsors. We do. Thank you, thank you, thank you. But it is like, that's, I'm working advertising. You know what I mean? That's inherently...

those companies and those people and the people that that benefits, there's nothing to really puff your chest out about that. So I'm not trying to come at this from an angle of like, I'm the good right guy who does it all right. No one gets to come out scot-free from capitalism. No, no one, no one, no one. We're all marred by this. I'm not trying to be mean to individual people. But I am just like, yeah, at a certain point,

The number of artists I know who don't seem to have really much thought at all about who they cozy up to as long as it benefits them. And these aren't my friends. These are just people I encounter. My friends aren't really like that. But I do find it like...

especially as things get so tough. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know what to do with that. It's never... First of all, it's never been more apparent in art, I think. I don't know at what point comedy especially went from being like a truly anti-establishment art form... It was like...

Yeah, it was like... That's the reason it was made, right? Yeah, it was like the people's art form. Yes. You're supposed to go up and make fun of the fucking... Everybody. Now they've got them on their podcasts. Yeah, they've got them all on their podcasts. And it's like no one... Well, strangely, no one's doing the opposite. You don't hear any comics being like, I didn't see anybody perform at Kamala rallies. But it's like the...

I guess the paycheck that they get from these people, or I guess the notoriety that they get is more important than any art they've ever made. But I tried to write so much about this. It was like, you start comedy as an artist. You're like, I'm going to challenge myself. I'm going to challenge my own assumptions and my own beliefs, and I'm going to challenge everybody in the room. And then you get a few million dollars, and you're like, I'm going to see if I can get his dick so hard that it can come out of my ass or whatever. Truly...

And by the way, those guys are also, their whole thing is like, well, wouldn't you if you had the opportunity? And I go, no. I would not be able to abide by that. No, I would not. Actually, not in a trillion fucking years. No, I would not have J.D. Vance on my podcast. Sorry, I don't know what's not fucking clicking for you, but no, I would not do that. No. Oh, you wouldn't do it? You wouldn't like to hold Donald Trump's feet to the fire? No. I wouldn't. There's a couple things I'd like to see happen to that guy. None of them are guesting on my podcast. No.

I could list them, but it'll get cut. It's like, no, I would not do that. Yeah, I know. I know. I don't think there's ever been a more... Also, it's like a time, a horrible, obviously, time in America, but a time to really make choices about that kind of stuff. And it has never been more fraught or more apparent that it's like, this shouldn't be popular. It should not be popular to have these people on your podcast. It should not be popular to align with them. It shouldn't be like a thing that you're proud of. And it does make me feel insane. What?

Because it is. And I also feel like, yeah, I just feel like, you know, not to talk so much about politics, I guess we're pretty deep into it at this point. But I'm like, yeah, I just have been thinking a lot lately about like, I'm actually not going to be made to feel dumb for caring about people. No, you can't make me do that. I'm not doing it. The number of people on the right that are like, their whole thing is like, you know, I watched J.D. Vance do these interviews where he's like, sorry, I don't want my kids living next to an immigrant. They might be in a gang. I'm like,

You will never make me feel stupid or naive for not being like you. It is hysterical. And we are... I'm glad that we're... I'm so glad that this... I mean, glad. I am relieved in a certain way that this moment is coming at my ripe old age. Because I'm like, no, I'm so done with people making me feel foolish for shit like that. I am so done with people being like...

immigrants actually shut the fuck up shut the fuck up they have a harder life than you have ever even imagined or could imagine for yourself you are being cruel cruelty is not funny to me it is not cool it shouldn't be popular it is a lame ass fucking point of view and you're right nobody from this point onward in our lives is going to look at us and be like you're actually being foolish you're being naive it's like nope

I'm just not a dickhead. Also, fine. Yeah, great. Okay, I'm dumb. Yeah, yeah. I'm dumb and I have a wonderful life. Fine. I'm stupid and lovely. Yeah, I'm stupid and lovely and a lot of people, I love a lot of people and a lot of people love me. Yeah, I don't believe in borders and I actually really like trans people. I guess I'm a fucking idiot. I guess I'm a huge fool. What now? I guess the trans people in my life are some of the best people I've ever met. I guess I'm a huge fucking moron. I guess you're a genius and your kids don't want to talk to you. I don't know.

So what now? You're going to die on your deathbed alone. You're going to die on your deathbed alone. Or with your ugly wife. And you're with your ugly ass wife and you're standing a guy who is literally on the internet being like, I defend this young man who says that race mixing is bad. And it's like, dude, you're

It goes against every... Your wife is an Indian woman. That shit blew... Sorry, now I'm just talking in circles. That blew my mind where he was like, we can forgive this little doge kid for saying that he thinks that interracial coupling is bad. Yeah, you know what? Fuck the kid who said it, fuck J.D. Vance, and fuck his wife. Literally fuck J.D. Vance.

Fuck all of them. Fuck her too because she's complicit. That's another thing I'm tired of. I hate this shit. These right wing guys' wives getting passes where they're like, she's probably scared to speak up. It's like, no, she's fucking evil too. So fuck that bitch as well. They fucking do it with Melania all the time where they're like, look at how fed up she is with him. I'm like, what? Yeah. She probably hates his ass. Of course, he's a repugnant human being, but she's stuck around. She's like rubbing his shoulders while he writes executive orders. Exactly.

Exactly, exactly. She's like, trans people don't exist. Yeah. That's exactly right. Fuck, and all these people, like, yeah, the people that are trying to take pity on J.D. Vance's wife, fuck that bitch. Ridiculous. It is ridiculous. And it's infantilizing, and it's sexist. Yeah. Actually, I'm pro-women because I hate her. Yeah.

It's stupid. She has autonomy. She could have left him. It would have had a big impact. At any juncture, she could have made a show to America by being like, this guy fucking sucks and he doesn't stand up for me and he doesn't stand up for our children and he's a weak little spineless piece of shit. And I'm out. And I'm out. And I'm out. And I would have praised her for that. I don't praise her for standing there like,

She can't do it now, though. That's the other thing is we have to. Yeah, we can't let them back in after too long. How do you mean? Like if she had done if she had done the big stand. What I don't want is for her to think in a couple of years that she can come back over. Right. Normal people will have back any time.

regular working class people will have you back anytime any moment but people that were like figureheads of the right wing movement I'm like we're not having you back no it's not gonna happen you gotta go to jail you're on the fucking dais at the inauguration you made a big choice it is so fucking infantilizing that they do that with the spouses of these women it drives me insane it really is stupid and it's always they're never doing it to like Sarah Huckabee Sanders' husband exactly it's misogyny and it's always the women that they're like that leftist people are like

well, who even knows what she thinks? I'm like, I can tell you exactly what she thinks and it's what he thinks. Yeah, 100%. She's married to him, you fucking psycho. Yeah, it's not like she threw her hat in the ring the moment that he was going to be VP or something. It's like, she's been around this toad for long enough. She's also a loser. Yes. I'm like, what?

I also, yeah, I found it kind of, I kind of found that same thing with the ads that were like, your husband doesn't get to go in the voting booth with you. I'm like, these people are getting horny on this. First of all, the overt sexuality of those ads was extremely confusing to me. What the fuck are you talking? I'm making eyes at the woman above the thing. I'm like, we just go fuck in the bathroom. That's what those ads are about. Are you also a Democrat? I'm gay. Yeah.

That was so infantilizing. I was just like, you don't have to tell your man. Are there people are there like really far right guys in America who are, you know, abusive and violent? Of course. But it's like that shouldn't be the message. The message should be like you should be able to talk to your husband about who you're fucking voting for or else you shouldn't be in a marriage with him. What are you talking about? Hello. What are you talking about? I'm not a baby. And guess what? Speaking of misogyny, you have to play a game.

We have a segment for you. Okay. Okay? This is a true or false segment. I'm going to read you 15 statements. Oh, I'm stupid, though. Do you know that? Well, you're not stupid. You're so pretty. Um...

You're going to tell me as quickly as you can, Laura, if you think what I've said is true or false. I'm ready. And if you get 10 or more correct, we're going to give you 50 US dollars. USD? USD. Wow. In fact, are you ready? Tootie God. Tootie God. Cartoon Network was started in 1950. False. False. It was 1992. Fish oil is not edible for humans. False. False. A hummingbird weighs less than a penny. True. True. A Nashville used to be named Fort Nashwood. False. False. It was Fort Nashboro. Margot Robbie is from New Zealand. False.

False. False. Australia. There are no reptiles in Antarctica. True. True. There are 52 cards in a standard deck of playing cards. True. True. Steak is the official state food of Texas. True. False. Damn it. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. You idiot. It's chilly. No, you're doing incredible. This is crazy. Chance, you did a bad job on these ones.

The Purple Mask Players is the theater club at Father Ryan High School. True. True. YouTube comes pre-installed on all Android phones. True. True. Anthony Davis plays for the Los Angeles Lakers. True. False. Fuck. Oh, God. I knew that one. You did a good on that one, Chance. I knew that one. Grizzly bears run as fast as the average horse. True. True. The state motto of Rhode Island is, out of one comes many. Sure. True. False. It's hope. It's just the word hope? Okay.

Johnny Knoxville graduated from the University of Tennessee. False, I think. False. Yeah. Because? Where'd he go? UT Chattanooga? Don't have it, but maybe. Okay. Pearl's Dissolvent Vinegar. False. True. Shit. You did, what, 12? How'd she do? 11. 11! 50 USD! You were on a historic run there, by the way. I mean, what, the first, like, seven or eight? That was crazy. I don't think you got one wrong until Texas. Yeah, you got so many. Oh, guys. Really proud of you. I was guessing. I didn't know a woman could do that.

And from the South. You know what? That changed my perspective today. Hey, that's what I'm here to do. That was beautiful. Zoom in on that. Zoom in on that right there.

Well, I love you. Where can the people find you? Find me on Instagram at LauraPeakComedy. L-A-U-R-A-P-E-E-K. And you can see all my dates. I'm going on tour. I would love to see you there. Go see Laura on tour. We love you so much. I love you too. This was so fun. Thanks for doing it. This was great. Thank you for having me. Sorry we talked about politics so much. I love it. I like talking about politics with you. Do you think the listeners will like it? I hope so. If they're leftist, piece of shit. If they're leftist...

Most of my fans are right wing. That's why I have to bring it up. It's so crazy that you've amassed such a right wing base. How did that even happen? Well, I mostly agree with them in private. That was a HeadGum Podcast.