Deep Dive
Shownotes Transcript
- And he stopped at Lisa and I's table, and he goes, he like looks at both of us and he goes, "I'm sorry, there is so much love between the two of you, and it is so beautiful." And then he just goes, "Enjoy it." You and I have beef, as you know. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Do you wanna talk about it? - Listen. You did change your mind.
change of flight to go to lunch and that I canceled to go do a red carpet and a celeb filled event. But it was one of the best nights of my life. Like you have to understand, but I probably could have done brunch and I should have done glam to be honest. My getties aren't what I wanted.
So just so the listeners know, this is a situation where I was in Texas doing shows. Yeah. And you asked me if I could go to lunch with you. And I said, I will change my flight. And I said this to you. I will change my flight to come back and have lunch with you. And you said, oh, my God, okay. And then I did that. And then the day before when I tried to make the plan, you said, I can't do it. I got to do it. And then you had the nerve. You came to a party at my house last night. Yeah. And you had the nerve to show me pictures. Yeah.
Of you at the event. Because I thought maybe you would understand how great it was. You could have gone with. You don't like that stuff. You're a little jaded. Jaded? You're over it. I think a lot of people would look at my aversion to those things and think that I'm actually very well and grounded. No, it was like so fun.
You think I'm jaded. Explosions. Oh, not jaded, but you just don't care. I don't care. You're above it. You're above it. Not jaded. It doesn't come from a negative place. You're just above it. I don't like it, but I will say the pictures were re-triggering. You and I were in a good place, and then we got immediately back to a bad place. Yeah, but you're the one who got me into football.
So at the end of the day, it's your fault. That is actually really true. And we should clarify the event. It was the real roast. I was at the Tom Brady roast. It was the Tom Brady roast. I mean, it felt really cool. Really cool that you guys came up with that Netflix. From the love is blind blunder of their live reunion going to fuck to being able to do this giant event was cool. I liked it. I'm really glad you had a good time. What was your favorite part?
I would say Nikki Glaser killed it. I mean, I love jokes. Like, I just loved laughing. And now because I know about football and Gronk and I understand, you know, they're dumb. They have CTE. Like, I've learned so much. So it was, like, thrilling. And Julian Edelman is, like, kind of a Jewish hero. I mean, what a heartthrob. Yeah. To have three Super Bowl rings. I don't even – I can't think of the second most athletic Jew. Like, that's how –
it is for us. Are there not a lot of Jewish athletes? No, there was one baseball player, Sandy Koufax, but you know, he wouldn't play on Shabbat. So, um, but this guy, he's like sexy. Okay. He's sexy. He's bringing, I don't, I don't, I can't think of what, do you do the research their chance? Yeah. Can you find another Jew, um, athlete that's good at what they do? AJ Dillon. He's a running back for the Packers. Does he have a ring? Yeah.
Turning you into a football fan is maybe one of the craziest things I've ever done. I know. It's wild, but I love Julian Edelman's podcast as well, so that was like a thrill. I wish I was a little smoother. I got too excited. Yeah, you put yourself out there too quick, you think? I should have just been like, oh, hey, what's up, blah, blah, blah, blah, but instead I went...
I really love your podcast, you know? Yeah, you came in strong. But the athletes are better than I think other types of celebrities. They're down to take a photo with anyone. They know what they mean to children and adults. Like, the athletes... Children and adults. The...
The athletes, I think, and porn stars, they're more giving in terms of time and attention. Well, porn stars are more giving, all right. Yeah. Come on now. I did go to a meet and greet with a porn star once, and she really took time with people. I bet she did. You are, I've said this about you a million times, and I'll say it again. It's a really nice thing. It's my favorite thing about you. Cheers. Thank you. And I, it's nice that you ended up with that because you tried to get-
What did you try to order? This is better because I do need caffeine. I am struggling. Yeah. But you tried to order a refresher? They're so good. A pineapple refresher with whipped cold foam on top, and it tastes like a Dole Whip delicious pineapple creamy treat. So anyway, my compliment of you is this, that I've always said, which is you're such a naturally curious person. Yeah.
Yeah. You're a fan of things. You love everything. Yeah. Yeah. And I got to pet a goat on top of it all. Yeah. At the event. At the event. So the event is continuing to haunt me. No, you're right. I am really curious. I get into things and then I want to know like everything. Like I got to know everything. You're simultaneously one of the biggest lovers of things I've ever met and one of the biggest haters. I've become. Yeah. I need to stop hating so much. You're good at hating.
I am, but I get too riled up and I just need to learn how to like, what thing? I just get riled. Yeah. I go from zero to a hundred and it's not really, it's not sustainable anymore for me. I think you're a very passionate person and I find that very sexy about you. Yeah, but I did something really crazy at the after party of the roast and I will be vulnerable. What did you do?
my friend and I were standing in a woman approach, but like was nice to my friend and kind of dismissive and not caring of me. Like, look, like just I didn't like the way she did it. So I turned to my friend and I went, I'm going to go because she's a bitch. He's a psychotic behavior. I don't know what happened. But then later he goes,
Wait, you didn't even know her? And I go, no. He goes, what could she have done in those five seconds that warranted that? And I was like, I just didn't like the way she treated me. And he goes, you weren't wrong. She ended up being bitchy, but I had to ask her, you just left me there with this woman you called a bitch? But he's like, I thought you wouldn't go way back. And I was like, no, I just didn't like the disrespect. But then sometimes I do...
Like yesterday, someone was kind of condescending and now I regret not being a bigger bitch. So it's never, it's never right. You're looking back and wishing you were a bitch to that person. Yeah, because now I'm like, I should have said these couple things, but I guess it's better. I just smiled and walked away instead. I think you should be proud of that instead of regretful. I think that's a nice way to interact with people.
Yeah. But then, well, I got humbled yesterday. Um, I did have one of the top five bombs of my life at the Palladium. Tell, tell, I, I do love this bomb story already. It's already becoming a Lisa classic for me. What happened? I was on the fluffy show at the Palladium. This is Gabriel Iglesias. Yes. Who insists on calling himself fluffy and no worries. Just letting people know.
Yeah, that I didn't, I did not give him the nickname. Me in that audience, I should have known maybe it wasn't, I should have been like, maybe I don't need to do the show, but I saw Lizzo there. I had a great night at the Palladium. Like, of course I'm going to say yes. I really, and...
They wouldn't even clap all the way to the mic. Yeah. By the time, but the music kept playing. So then I had to go, cut the music. They're not clapping. And then it was just a slog of discombobulated moments. I have moments, but then a woman finally, I thought I was going to maybe get them with this bit. And a woman just started yelling, sit down. Sit down. In the Palladium? Yeah.
And I went, do you think I'm having a great time right now, lady? Like...
I'm doing bad, you fucking cunt. You're rubbing it in. Like, I'm failing in front of these religious families. Like, it was just a mess. I thought my immigrant stuff would connect. It was groans. It was... Then it was, like, pity laughs and people going, you got this. You're doing good, which is worse than the woman screaming, sit down. And so then I walked to the... The stage was also, like, a high school graduation. It was giant. So I was like, I guess I'll go bomb over here for a little bit. And then...
And then people just, and I go, I can't leave. I have to finish my time. I don't know what you guys want from me. I don't know. And it was, and then I walked off the stage. My face was red and hot. And the person who booked me, I went, this is the worst moment of my life. And then Jimmy Carr, who I respect, tried to talk to me. And I went, you hate him. You hate him. Because he does homophobic things or other stuff.
Take your pick. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. I do like him. I find him to be deeply annoying. Actually, we shouldn't even talk about it because I just, on the episode with John Marco, I don't know what order these will come out in. I did like a full two minutes on how much I hate that guy. That's so great. But no worries that you respect him. This is actually a blessing because you never hate anyone. You want me to talk shit and I never do. And I don't know if you would do it here, but this is honestly huge news for me. I know you're happy. That's why I was willing to make the face because I know you want me to be petty with you sometimes. Yes. But he tried to talk to me and I said, I don't know.
I am going to go drink tequila. And I locked myself in the green room for 45 minutes trying to FaceTime people that wouldn't answer. But seven people I had to FaceTime. I mean, it was like an, but then also everyone that organized the festival was there. So then I started getting texts being like,
We really loved it in the balcony. It's okay. And I'm like, oh my God, they probably think I'm about to like, you know, be suicidal. Like everyone started texting me and be like, wait, don't worry about it. We'll smoke later. It was all right. And I was like, oh my God, I'm getting like. Netflix execs are texting you. We'll smoke later. Yeah. Like you'll be okay. What?
Netflix, okay, when the business execs are hitting you with, we're going to get you a joint, you know something went weird. Yes. That is crazy. They kept being like, that was just a misogynistic crowd. I go, no, you know what? You always have to learn, know how it's your fault so you could do different next time. Yeah.
And then I ended up coming to your house and having a great time. It was interesting just now during that story to learn that you can get seven crisis FaceTimes deep and my name still won't come up. Well, I knew you. Yeah, you were having a good time. Like, what am I going to, you know? It was just nice to know. I was like, okay, I thought maybe I would be maybe in the top five even that you would call me. During your party? But you didn't FaceTime me because you knew I was doing a thing.
Yeah, because I was coming to the party. I first had to stop humiliation. I didn't want to make eye contact with anyone because I was backstage being confident, talking to the stage managers, having a blast, doing fun games, showing everyone my Julian Edelman photo. I was like on cloud. So I was like, oh, that's a fun. You know, I followed someone I don't really respect. So I was like, oh, that's a fucking. I can't. Don't know who they are. You followed them. I know.
I just don't respect. They were the ones who were condescending to me too. It was just like, you know, it was like a lot. No, it wasn't a woman. Oh, I thought that the woman was condescending to you. Listen, I've been really having a week. Oh, that was a different, this is the thing. I'm obviously being defensive and antagonistic because I feel, I feel disrespected four times a day. Like I truly am constantly like, are you fucking kidding me? So it must be me, but I feel disrespected constantly. Who's the comic that you followed? Matt Rife. Oh, well, duh.
There's not a living comic who respects that guy. But upstairs, he went to me, he goes...
You're doing all the right things. And I just was like, I am truly a respected woman in this industry. And then he started talking about like the apple pie at the cellar being delicious. And in my head, I'm like, it does come from a box and it is crazy. You're acting like it's he goes, it's special homemade with the cinnamon and God bless them. I don't have to pay for it. And I was just standing there being like, I'm going to go buy
I'm going to go play Wordle. Like, I gotta go play Wordle. There is, I will say though, there is such a delusion in someone like that who is famous for being cute and improvising. But listen, I would lose all respect for $25 million. I'm putting that out there right now. Totally. To anyone out there. I can't wait to sell out.
For $25 million, I don't have to be respected by anybody. No, but there is a specific type of delusion with people who get big on the internet saying something like you're doing all the right things to somebody like you who is a tried and true, deeply respected comic in every scene that you walk into. That's fucking nuts. No, he went...
you're from Chicago. Why don't you stay there to do comedy? I go, I did in 2009. I am, um, very established. I'm a very working comedian. You fucking weirdo. Yeah, it was why it was really a wild situation. You're going to be really happy with the outcome of the so true pod because I am starting to talk shit publicly now. I'm actually nervous, right? Because I didn't say it to his face. So you're saying it's good. I just kind of rolled my eyes and walked away, but I regret not being aggressive. Like I was to that woman the night before who didn't really deserve it. I think, I,
I think my – in our friendship, I view it as my responsibility with you most often. And every friendship is different. But my friendship with you – Is to keep it positive. Yeah, I have to keep it positive. I have to keep it guiding. Because you are more want to be like, this woman's a bitch. I'm leaving in her face. So I try to guide you away from that. You know, Namesh is like this too. The two of you just – you're always like, I think they're nice. Yeah, I try to keep it positive with you. But then I will say this is – if I had known it was Matt Reif, I would have said, Lisa –
Do your worst. I would have sicked you on him for sure. Yeah, I was just excited to be at the Palladium. That's why this bomb is extra hard. I was condescended to by someone. And then I was like, whatever. I'm at the Palladium. I saw Lizzo here. And then following him, I was like, this is going to be a great time. And then the moment I saw the disappointment on these people's faces. But the thing is, I've been booed by more people. This is top five, but this isn't the worst. Top five.
It's been worse because one time I opened for Rob Delaney in Milwaukee in front of hundreds of people and as I walked, they were chanting his name. So then when they saw me walk out, they all booed. Yeah. I've been booed by thousands. I've been booed by college students in Maryland. So, you know, I've been booed by college students in Maryland. I've been booed by thousands. Yeah. That is so fucking funny. But yes, it was just my face was hot. I was just like, oh my God. Um,
But then after 45 minutes, it was okay. Because my one friend who did text me back said, look at the names you're writing. Fluffy, Matt Rife, who gives a shit? And I went, you're right. But as a comic, in my head, I'm like, I can follow anyone. I can do anything in any crowd. That's my mentality. So it's nice to get knocked down. And you totally can. Christian Mexican families might not love me. Yeah.
It's just one demographic you can't get, and it's Christian Mexicans. Yeah, yeah. I started a joke, and this woman yelled, I'm with my dad. And I'm like, yeah, and he comes all the time. And they did like that, which was wild. So then I'm like, okay, we want a little more cum action. And then they would stop. And I'm like, okay, we're done with the cum. I'll do, do you guys like your phones? Do you want them? Do you like your phones?
Do you guys like your phone? I'm desperate. I'll give you what you want. Bombing so hard that you ask the audience if they like their phones. It's so funny. I absolutely have been there where I'm just like, what do you guys, you guys ever been outside before? Anything, anything, God. Yeah, it's just, and so yeah, I just drink tequila neat.
While person after person didn't answer my FaceTimes with a red face with people texting, you'll be all right. We're on our way. What? We're on our way. Truly, truly. Works at being a wallflower, calling the cops, go to the house. And then the green room in itself was called friends and family. So then when they walked in, they thought I kept saying I'm in the friends and family room that I had friends and family with me. And then they realized it was just the name of the room.
And I was alone. You're like, I'm in the warm embrace of loved ones. No, that's just the name of the space I'm sitting in. It's actually not what I have going on. What is a petty moment that you regret? Like when you look back on all your pettiest moments, is there one that you would really take back? For sure. I would need more time to put it all together. But even just that moment was weird. Yeah.
What comes to mind, but I apologize to this person. I yelled at them in an elevator for a crazy reason. Yeah. I also recently tried to start fights that didn't work out last week. I tried. I tried.
I recently tried to start fights that didn't work out. What happened? What are you talking about? Well, you know, my friend did die. And so our other friend decided in his honor, which was perfect for him to do a festival funeral. So we did. It was like comedy shows, basketball and a funeral. So like emotions were weird. So in my head. This is the Kenny DeForest Festival in Springfield, Missouri. Yes. And it was like perfect and lovely. And I'm so glad. Shout out to Clark for organizing it. But yeah.
that's just how I decided to use my feelings of that week.
I just was like, you know, I'm kind of annoyed at these ones of my friends. And then everyone was positive. People were, like, feeling really positive. So what did you do? I'm okay with it. You what? I tried to find other ways to soothe my emotions. No, I'm saying what fight did you try to start? I'm desperate to know the details. I was just trying to be, like, extra. I just can't talk. I'm too embarrassed. Yeah.
So you brought up the elevator thing and bailed on that. And then you're like, I know what I'll do. I'll do the very recent Memorial for My Friends show drama. And then you're like, no, actually, no details on that either. The elevator was crazy. No, it's I have to work on my it's like psycho. Like sometimes I'm chill and then sometimes I just act out in a way. And then what's sad is my my my nephew's a niece. I've done lovely things for them for years.
their whole lives. Yeah. And the two memories they have is when I've flipped out and it's like, I hate that. You're flipping out on the children. No. And Jimmy John's, the bread wasn't soft. In front of your nieces and nephews. I called Jimmy John's and said, listen, I get Jimmy John's for the bread. This bread is stale and I need new sandwiches delivered with soft bread. And I go, I came here from out of town for the Jimmy John's and that's what I want.
you came from out of town for the Jimmy John's? Well, because New York didn't have a Jimmy John's for a while. Now there's two locations, thank God. But they just didn't have them. So when I would leave town, it was like my time to have Jimmy John's. Yeah. It's like my on the road food. And then the other time, like there was a car that honked and I was like, you know what? I'm fucking pissed. And they stopped at a red light and I was like, I'll be right back. And I went to go get this car and I was taking the kids to the movies and it was just them being like, please don't do this.
And they bring it up all the time. And it's like, I've taken you to museums. I've bought you guys fun things. It's Cheesecake Factory. And they just remember these two freakouts. The kids sitting in the car alone going, please, Lisa. Please, please. We were walking. Don't do it to them, please. Goodbye.
God, that's funny. Yeah, no. The more I like to think about, I don't want to have these moments, but the amount of times I feel disrespected, my averages are good in terms of keeping it together versus losing it. Well, what's the time you- But I've been, I was recently, what, six months ago, I was called a bitch at the airport before 8 a.m. What did you do? There was like guys trying to walk and someone was on the movement part on this, like the walk side, but they were standing. Yeah. And you know, there's a stand side. That does frustrate me. So those two guys were kind of trying to move and I just got involved.
and I just look. Oh, God. Oh, God.
And I went, dude, come on. You know? Like, moving along. And he was like, I'm just trying to blow a ball and started yelling. And then he goes, you bitch. And I went, at least I could read. And that was that. And then Kara Clank was like, it's not even 8 a.m. She's like, I can't believe he called you a bitch. And then it was like The Love is Blind two seasons ago where they kept –
The hitman's girl kept making out and staring back at me as they were walking. It was wild. It turned them on to yell at me. You think calling you a bitch got them hot and horny? Yeah. I could see that. Okay, you say you have a good hitman. But my mom used to have these kinds of problems. She'd come home from work. She'd always start fights. Yeah, so it's a family tradition. Yeah, and then my sisters escaped it, but it's hit my niece, I think. You think your niece is going to be a little shit-stirrer?
I think so. That's okay. The world needs them. I think the world's beautiful. She's more educated than both me and my mom, so it's better. She'll use it for better. You know what I mean? Well, that's not necessarily true. A lot of educated people are very evil.
Evil for sure. Yeah, I guess I don't think my niece is evil. You know what? I guess I just don't think my niece is evil. I'm not saying she is. I'm just saying we don't know for sure that she won't turn out that way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true. What is the petty moment that you're proudest of? What is the beef that you're like, I really got that motherfucker and they earned it? Ooh.
You know what? I still think I was out of pocket. I will say that. And the beef has been squashed and it's embarrassing because he is so famous that, like, of course, it still means a lot to me and he doesn't really care. But I did kind of fuck with Chris Rock in a way that he ended up telling another comic that I was his number one least favorite comedian. What did you do? What did you do?
You know, it was post-2016 election, and he was defending Mike Pence in a way that I didn't really like. And it was on stage, and he was asking the audience for stuff, and I was walking through the bathroom. And I was like, oh, do you want me to get involved? He said yes, and then it kind of went back and forth where I did then bring up that he cheated on his wife. And, you know. So you asked him. And he went, what? And I went, well, I mean, you cheated on your wife, so, like, why would anyone trust you? LAUGHTER
So then it became like, did you just heckle Chris? And I was like, no, he was asking the audience as I was walking through. Like we also chatted upstairs. I thought it was like a lively debate. Like I didn't realize, you know, but you know, in time I am, you know, a young, a young white woman at his place of business interrupting him. So you do this in front of the audience? Yes. Okay.
That's crazy context. It's crazy. For me to catch up to you in front of his audience said you cheated on your wife. Why would anyone trust you? Yeah. I can understand why that heated him up and I don't think you were wrong either. Correct. So like for a while, but then it became like he would say hi to everyone around me and not me. And it's like, I really don't want to feel tension with a legend. Like even though he doesn't care, like I like he'll, and I'm like, yeah, it sucks to be ignored by Chris Rock. And so I did recently run into him and I went,
Can I get a second to apologize? Yeah. And he went, for what? For what? And then he walked away. Well, he's got bigger problems now. Yeah. I bet he's really thinking about his jokes these days. I bet he's really taking a second to reflect before he puts pen to paper. Okay.
But so that's something I'm proud of because I like that it doesn't matter who you are. I'm going to treat you how I want to treat you, whether you're a legend or like an assistant. Like in my head, I like that I didn't give a fuck. Kind of coming out as abusive to assistants real quick. Yeah.
That's not what I meant. No, you're not. You're not. But, you know, it's just like, you know, everyone's. So I like that. But of course, there's always the thing of like wanting to maybe control your instincts. Of course, I would love to control my instincts. Yeah. But I do think you're a good advice giver.
I think you've got a solid... You always have a strong point of view. Yeah, I do give good advice. I wish I could follow it once in my life. Let's do a voicemail. We have voicemails from listeners. Great, but I think I've been vulnerable and said a lot of stuff and I need something from you. What do you need? I need something. Okay. What's a petty tale for you? Oh, a petty tale for me? Oh, God. Well, you know I don't do that stuff. No, I'm trying to think. I really do. Petty for me. Which one do you want? Do you want one I regret or one I'm proud of? I think both. You want both? Okay. Okay.
A pettiness that I regret? I'm trying to think. Do you all have any? What is it? Oh, my God! Oh, my God. I don't know if I regret this, but CG...
CG just said JCPenney trash can. So basically what happened is there are like three stores in the entire world where fat people can get clothes. If you're my size, it is a fucking struggle out here. And JCPenney is one of them. And I don't like what they're doing in there. And there's not a lot of good stuff to find. But if you want a plain black T-shirt, maybe you can go to Penny's. And so I had gone to Penny's and bought a couple of shirts. And I bought a button down that I ended up getting home and not liking, right? I think 31 days later, I tried to take it back.
And I don't remember the full complete details of it. But I had a receipt and it was just past the – so I took CG with me to return it because we were out doing errands and stuff. This is in Glendale. And I go to the counter and I go, hey, can I just exchange this? I'm going to get something else. And she goes, no. No.
And I go, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I know that I can't return it because it's past the thing, but I have the receipt. Can I just exchange it for something that I like better? I don't think it's that big of a deal. And she was like, no, you can't. And I was like...
And I'm very sweet to service workers. Like, I start from a very nice place. And I was like, okay, is there any chance that I could talk to someone else, to, like, maybe a manager or something? She goes, yeah, sure. You can go down to the customer service counter if you want to. And I was like, I will. Thank you. And I went to the customer service counter, and they go – they said, like, oh, should be no problem, right? They go, oh, no problem. Take it back up there and tell her that it's all good and just show her the receipt. And I go –
Hey, I did show her the receipt and she was pretty mean to me. So like if I go back up there, I'm not going to be too happy if I get the same answer. And they're like, go back up there. She's got you. And I go, okay. Now these are on two different levels and in two different corners of this big ass store. So now I have traversed the store twice. I've gone to the first counter. Then I've gone traverse backwards to the second counter downstairs. Now I'm back upstairs. I go up to the counter. It's the same bitch.
And I go – and I don't like having conflict with – especially with people who work in customer service. And I was like, hey, I'm really sorry, but they – I went down there and they said it was no big deal and they told me to come back up here. I have the receipt. I have the item. I just want to exchange it. And she goes, I can't do that. I don't know what they're telling you. They are not doing their job. And I was like, I don't super have time for this.
So I need you to just do what they said, please. And she again goes, I don't know. I'm going to have to call someone. And I think that's the moment where I lost it. Yeah. So she goes, I'll see what we can do. We can call me. And I go, no, thank you. Fuck that. And I left. I walked out of the store and I threw the clothes in the trash can as I was walking out. Obviously not like a bright spot in my life. I threw the clothes in the trash can and I was walking out and CG was like kind of running after me.
And CJ's like yelling, I'm like into the parking garage by now. By the time CJ catches up and she's like, do you want me? I'm just gonna grab that out of the trash and see if I can do it. And I go, do whatever you want. And I went to the car and CJ came back out like 10 or 15 minutes later and she gets in the car and she goes, well, I got him to give you a refund. Oh my God. So I was obviously not proud of that, I guess. No, but she was antagonizing you. She was a bitch. She was an unnecessary bitch.
Because you have to understand, my baseline when I go up to the counter every single time, no matter how bad of a day I'm having, is always, I always am like, hey, how you doing? Like, I always come with a nice energy. And I know that about myself. I have never once, no matter how bad the situation has been, canceled flights, fucked up food, anything. I've never once came with nasty energy. Because I started working in the service industry when I was 15 years old. So I know my energy is always proper when I come. Yeah.
So to be a bitch to me and not try to be helpful at all and then try to involve me in the like
inter-department drama of you and Laura. No, but I blame customer service for not walking up with you or handling it down there. Well, to be clear, yes. Giving you a gift card with the amount. Of course they also have fault, but the woman at the counter didn't need to be a bitch to start with. She was a dumb bitch. She was a dumb bitch. Thank you. That's what I need to hear. That is not negotiable, but customer service should have known she's a dumb bitch. Yeah. I'm trying to think of a pettiness I'm proud of. Quiet.
Quiet car. I don't know if I was proud of that. Because what even were the details of that? Yeah, but that wasn't really to his face. That was almost cowardly. We were on a train. People on the quiet car take it very seriously. Yeah, and they can suck my ass. You're on a fucking train, bitch. If you were that important, you'd be in the sky. I...
I was... Chance and some of our college friends that we were in undergrad, we had driven from Missouri to New York to do an improv festival. And driven overnight straight to do an improv festival for free that no one asked us to come to. We begged to be on it. And we got... Basically, we were so poor that we had to drive the car to Jersey, park it at a friend's parents' house, take the train into the city, and then...
exist in the city sleeping on a friend's kitchen floor for four of us like sardines packed into the kitchen floor and then in bed style and then we had to train back out get the car and drive back to Missouri that's how we did this free improv festival and we have never been happier in our whole lives and we were on the yeah we were on the quiet car and we were like giggling or something and some uh busted old bald man was like it's the quiet car for a reason and then we spent 35 minutes stifling laughter because we were ragging on this guy so fucking hard and
That was petty, but it wasn't, I'm trying to think of a pettiness I've done to someone's face. You really will be petty to someone's face. Yeah. And that's a beautiful thing about you. But the quiet car, um, I, one time my phone was ringing, so I got up and I walked to go answer the phones, but I was by the bathroom and a guy came to, and he was so rude. Like this is the choir car robot. And it's like, I'm clearly trying. Like you could have just said it and I would have walked to the next car, but like,
I'm already on my way. Like my heart's in the right place. Also, if you're so passionate about being the quiet car, shut the fuck up. Yeah. Rock away back to your seat. Trust that someone else will handle it. There's got to be someone official here. Surely you're not the czar of the quiet car.
Be the change you want to see in the world. Start with the man in the mirror and shut the fuck up. Why are you talking to me? Oh, and then the guy, I agree with you. The guy that said something to me, he opened a stinky soup and it's like, that's loud to me. That's noise. Wait, when you said you'll be petty to someone's face, it did remind me a moment I'm proud of. I was at Veselka once.
And I was with a few friends and this table was a guy and then all the rest were girls. And he just kept talking and talking and none of the women got to talk at all. Like he just kept talking and it was, I feel political chats. I don't really remember, but he kept not letting them talk. And so I just turned around and went, Hey, maybe you should let them talk for a little bit.
And then I moved back and everyone at my table was like, what did you do? I'm like, he's being disrespectful. And then they all, the women all started to talk and he shut his mouth. That is beautiful. Can we clap it up for that? Can we give it up? So that felt good. Thank you. Lisa Rodham Traeger. So beautiful.
We actually, we had a really beautiful diner moment, you and I. Oh my God. I know. Can you believe that? And on top of it, the donuts were so good. The food was great. Like it was all, the ambiance was good. We had done a show together in New York. This is like two months ago. A month ago? Recently. Yeah. We had been on a lineup together in New York, I think. Were you on that? We were on that lineup together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We had done that show together. And then, was it Littlefield? Yes. In Brooklyn. And then we went out afterwards. Love you, Littlefield. We went out afterwards to a diner, which is my preferred post-show activity. Yes.
And it was, I think, 7th Ave Diner in Brooklyn. Yeah. And we were there and we were catching up and I hadn't seen you in a minute. And you've recently moved back to New York, which really broke my heart, but I'm happy for you, of course. And we were just catching up and having a good time and I was having so much fun with you and I was like, I'm back with my buddy. It's so good to be here. I love New York sometimes. And...
this old man had been sitting next to us the whole time. Like he was sitting at a table over, what was he like 50s, 60s? Yeah, and he had a beanie. He had a beanie. So you know, he's gay with it. And he stood up and was leaving. He was like paid his check and was about to leave. And he stopped at Lisa and I's table. And he goes, he like looks at both of us and he goes, I'm sorry. There is so much love between the two of you. And it is so beautiful. And then he just goes, enjoy it. I literally was like, when he said, Lisa and I both went. But then it,
escalated. We've never seen two loud bitches speechless. We were like... But then it got... So then the guy over there goes, did that guy just say something crazy to you? Yeah. And we go, no, it was actually really beautiful. And he goes, yeah, he came up to me and told me that I'm a Libra. And we were like, are you a Libra? And he said, I am. So that kind of elevated everything too. He's like this whimsical old guy. It was like in a movie when someone... Like when an old man with a white beard is behaving strangely and generously and then you learn that he's Santa. Yeah. You know, like...
He reminded me of Don Cheadle in the movie Family Man. I'll have to take your word for it. Yeah. It's like a trait, like as a non-Christmas celebrating family that is a Christmas movie like Family Man. It was really, it was really beautiful. And it also felt, I don't know if you felt this way, but it felt so like...
I don't know. I felt so special and validated that I was like, there is a lot of love here. Yeah. And once I knew about the Libra, I knew it was real. Like I was like, oh, you have powers. This wasn't at first. I was like, oh, this is so sweet. And then it's like, oh, you're like anointed by some sort of energy. Yeah. Yeah. Let's do a listener voice now. I'm so excited. I want to get your take. The headphones will be helpful to you in this. Oh, God, I got it.
Hi, something I want to know the truth about is aliens. I know they exist. The government knows they exist. But like, they're really out here being shy.
I know they probably look at us like we are the most disgusting beings, like absolutely bottom tier, and they want nothing to do with us, do not want to associate whatsoever. However, I also think it's kind of rude that they haven't come down here and put me out of my misery yet. So, um, let's get to the truth about aliens. The part where she says she wants the aliens to come and kill her is so...
It's so suicidal coded. Honey, seek help. What do you think? What do you think about aliens? Yes or no? Yes. Your big yes? Yeah, that tracks. Yes, yes, yes. For sure. They're out there living it up. But I want them to be like the movie Paul. Do you know that movie? Uh-uh.
It's a little alien voiced by Seth Rogen and it's the hot fuzz Shaun of the Dead guys. Oh, okay. And it's like a little romp with this alien. And so if they're cute like Seth Rogen, I want that in my life. You just want them to be cute and sweet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't want them to be like masterminds who are coming to destroy us. But knowing how societies work, I'm sure they're coming to destroy us. Because I also love the movie Mars Attacks. And so that is a possibility as well. Do you think you...
Do you think you would do well in an alien invasion? Do you think there's any chance they would keep you around? If they speak English, I think so. I think I can...
I think I can... I hope I can charm him or I'll annoy him. Yeah, because I love Fran Lebowitz. I think about it like that. Like, I love her so much, but I know she would be disgusted by me. So maybe it's one of those situations. She would be disgusted by you? Yeah, I mean, I sit on my cell phone eight to ten hours a day. There's no way that Fran Lebowitz is, you know, impressed by me. I want to say something about Fran Lebowitz. I'm nervous. I have loved some things she's had to say, but I view her the same way I view, like...
Maybe an interesting person on the subway where I go, I'm sure you've lived a life, but why is she famous? Oh, she wrote like one book and that's it. And now we have to listen to her opinions on sidewalks forever. I'm just like, what? I don't understand. Like she, she wrote one single book and now every day, every week we have to see her sitting in a chair being like, well, I loved the documentary public speaking. So I loved that. I think it was like 2010 or something, 2011. So once again, why does she get a documentary? Yeah.
um because her opinions are good sometimes people like john water oh i guess he makes movies too a lot of them yeah very prolifically yeah because i was about to say people listen to him talk but yeah they're different yeah pretty innovative in the space uh what is the name of the book that friendly bullets wrote the one that she did i have it's like the reader and it's all of them but it's metropolitan life is she wrote columns was she she did columns yeah she wrote for interview magazine she was like in the andy warhol thing oh that's it then that's the answer that's
I didn't know that. Oh, yeah. She wrote an... Oh, okay. All right. You're being serious. I'm serious. I only knew... Okay, great, great, great. I thought you kept making fun of me. I only knew that she wrote one book. I'm like, that's actually something. Oh, yeah. She was at Interview Magazine hanging out with all the cool kids and she wrote things for Vanity Fair. She had a longstanding relationship with Vanity Fair as well.
Oh, that's great. But her and she's she likes to part. And Toni Morrison is her best friend, was her best friend. Rest in peace. So she's famous for being around important people. Yes. She loves a party, a suit, smoking cigarettes. Yeah. And I think she's cutting and cool. Is she a talented writer?
I don't know because I don't read, but I do have an autographed book by her. I've gone to her speak, like, to speak. Like, you know, I go to Waverly Inn because she's painted on a wall. Like, I'm into the lore. I need to read some of her writing before I make a final opinion because she is an interesting person who exists in – she has something I love, which is a bitchy person with big opinions over nothing. Yes. And that I think we need more of. We need more bitchy people with big opinions over nothing that just think that they are God. Yeah.
And, but then she's also potentially something I don't like, which we have way too much of right now, which is people that are famous just by virtue of being around famous people. No talent, no skill. Yeah. And I don't know if that's her. I need to read the writing.
But now she's like a public speaker, but I guess that's what you're saying. Why are we listening to her opinions? Yeah. But it's like, I think it's like a lifelong New Yorker kind of thing. And I always, you know what I think about when people are like, oh, this changed that. This is like not that deep, but when people ask her, was New York better in the 70s? She goes, I was young. Everything's better when you're young.
Yeah. And so I kind of like that where, you know, well, you know what I think would be a really fair criticism of me criticizing her is why the fuck is anyone listening to me? That would be a fair. I think if someone were to say that in the comments, if you guys are trying to get me, I think that would be a fair thing. I think that would be a fair thing to say back is like you're sitting here with a microphone. Who are you?
For sure. That's how I feel on TikTok all the time. I'll be like in a thing and then I'm like, four likes? Who are you? Yeah. Like, why am I listening? Four likes? You're like, four likes. I got to get out of here. Well, it's just like, but on what authority? But she doesn't have... But I did get to ask her a question once at one of her talks. What'd you ask? I said, what's your favorite restaurant in New York? And she said...
It's hard enough getting a reservation there. I'm not saying anything, but also it's dinner. Just eat. I went, okay. See, you're charmed by that. That would make me angry. Oh, wait, did I tell you? You know what? I wasn't charmed by this, but I did love this so much and I might have told you because I keep repeating this story, but I was at a loud party.
And my two friends were talking, so I was just standing. So I talked to a woman I don't know. We're talking, and I go, oh, my God, it's so loud in here. And she goes, then go home then. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha.
Ate you up. Ate you the fuck up. That is so funny. And then she walked away from me. Take your boring ass to bed then, bitch. Yeah. That is so fucking funny. And she switched women because I'm like, you're right. I don't want to be here, but if I'm here, so I started to dance, but I don't like it when it's too loud. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Who is that woman? No idea. She just walked with her banana clip into the crowd.
No idea. I love... You do inspire a certain amount of animosity. Yeah. For someone to say, just go home then is crazy. No, that's what I mean. Like, it must be me, but I do feel disrespected so often. This was years ago, but I was at... A friend brought me to a party with a bunch of her friends. I knew maybe a few people. A woman comes up to me. My friend goes, oh, this yada yada, meet each other. She looks at me and goes, you seem really arrogant. And I'm like...
I'm truly just like a stoned young girl. Like I, what? But then my friend didn't defend me and that's when I should have known that that's not my true friend. But it took me a few more years to realize that. What did your friend do? They just sat there? They, well, cause I just stood there stunned and then they started talking about me in a way that I wasn't there and then I walked away slowly.
If someone walked up to my friend and said, you seem arrogant, I would have said, you seem like you're about to get your fucking teeth knocked out. You better move along. I know. I let them disrespect. That friend is no longer in my life. What's their name? I'm not saying it.
Well, you just tell me this. Are they a comic? Yeah, of course. I don't have. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't have any other non-comic friends unless it's like they're married to a comic. Yeah. Or, you know, you're right here. Yeah. Yeah. Or you guys. Yeah. Do you think do you think you have a good work life balance with comedy?
No, I don't. I need to do more. I need to go more dates. I need to like focus on building a personal life in that way. Who are you dating? What do you know when I don't date at all? That's my summer goal. What are you open to? Are we doing all genders? All genders, but I'm looking for marriage. Okay. So any I'm the gender of wanting a ring. Yeah. Okay. I don't even need a ring, honestly.
There's a lot of listeners to this podcast, Lisa. It's doing very well. Yeah, I believe it. You're a wonder kid. It's doing very, very well. And put your compliments in writing because I'd love to hear what you have to say. But there are a lot of people who might be single and interested. Do you want to make the pitch? What are you looking for? I'm looking for someone that's passionate in their life. They're into what they're into. Someone with a nice social life, normal friends, getting it together, working on themselves. Living in New York.
Have to live in New York? I don't want to do long distance again. I guess if you fly to me, I'll have sex with you.
Okay, absolutely. New York's the best dating city in America. So you're already on it. You're doing great. I know, I have to get out there. I gotta get on the apps and I gotta get out there. I really, I flail in that part of my life. So that's kind of my goal this summer. So all genders need to be passionate, need to be working on themselves. Want to do stuff. Like I want to go to a baseball game or an aquarium. Like I want someone that wants to do things. You are an activity doing bitch. I will say. But I'm a lounger too. I watch shows. You totally lounge. You absolutely suffer from depression. But I think...
You absolutely suffer from depression in a way that I worry about. But you are an activity doer. You on a day where I are... You on the day of my Chicago show that you were on were like, do you want to go to a White Sox game? Yeah, because... Well, I was... Your show was so fun. I had such a great time. And...
But it happens like a few times a year where both Chicago teams play in the same day, but different teams. So it's not like the Crosstown Classic, but I hope to do that one day. And I don't know who's listening, but my goal is also to throw the first pitch at the White Sox game. At the White Sox? Oh, I think we can make that happen. I know. I mean, we'll see. We'll see. K-Liberty's and K-Lesbians, get on the horn, talk to the White Sox. I've been arrested at that park, so I feel like it'll be...
A nice full story. I think even when I barely knew you before we were good friends... You knew about my prison time. I think if you just gave me a two-minute clip of you talking and said, is this a person who's been arrested at a baseball park? I would have said with 100% certainty, bet the house, absolutely. Oh, I guess I also...
It's not 100% important, but I would like someone that can socialize in a thing. I don't have to be at an event being like, are they in the corner upset? Dude, this is the number one thing. People who have jobs like ours, this is a quality that I look for. This is the number one thing that I think comes up among comics or people that are successful in their thing is wanting a partner that can hold their own at events.
Yeah. And being like, can I, I want to be able to have a good time with you, but can I walk away from you for 20 minutes and know that you can hold your own and socialize and have a good time and be charming? Yeah.
Yes. It's necessary because we have to go to so many things. No, one time my friend was bringing her now husband. They were just dating to Montreal, like JFL. Jesus. And I was like, oh my God, this is going to be a disaster. And then he was wonderful. He gave her space. He didn't care. We were hanging. He had his own chef friends. And it was such an amazing thing to see. The description right now of you saying that he flourished and he was so good at it literally made my, I got butterflies.
Yeah. That's so hot. I need that. God, I'm going to cry. I need that so bad. I need to, I need to get a boyfriend. Did you watch girls on HBO? Like you're okay. So do you remember, um, when, uh, what's her name? Uh,
the grandma's in the hospital and so she goes back to Ohio and then Adam has to meet her. And then Becky and Baker, the mom and Hannah are talking and she's like, Adam is weird. Like, do you really want to be like dragging this weirdo translating life to this guy your whole life? Yeah. And Hannah gets mad, but that stuck with me forever. Yeah. Like, I don't want to be shepherding us like a weirdo. Yeah. And so that's...
I don't want to be like translating for a person who doesn't understand. Yeah. Yeah. Or like sex in the, everything is TV to me, but like sex in the city when Miranda's dating the angry guy and like you have to explain like, oh, he's being a weirdo. Like I just want someone I can like be normal. Yeah. Someone socially adept. Yeah. I remember my friend dated someone. He would just be standing in a corner on his phone.
And I'm like, this is who you want to be with. Yeah. And then of course I'm the bitch, but they're not together anymore. But they're not together anymore. Well, you and I have that in common. You and I are definitely the friend that goes, the person you're dating is not the person move on. And people get mad at us. Well, it's, it's really, that's a hard, that's the thing. People will be like, I admire the way you act. And I'm like, there's a lot of consequences.
there is a lot of consequences there's enemies made that there's like friendships ended there is consequences to um saying things that you want to say absolutely um there's prices paid yeah it's tough i just had a friend confide in like an argument they were having with their partner and i spoke honestly and friendship was never the same after that what's their name
Yeah, that makes total sense. Yeah, and so it's really, you have to be careful. Don't confide in me then. My thing about being confided in is two things. Number one, I'm going to tell the truth, and number two, I have advice. And those people that are like, oh, I don't want any solutions, I just want to vent, call someone else. I'm not the person. For sure, but you know the games of love and heart are...
You know, people stay longer. Some things are comfortable. It's hard to get away even if you know that your partner sucks. And we're thinking about maybe the same friend at this point that we had. But yeah, it's tough.
I can't wait to talk offline. It's tough because they'll say a story about something happening. I'm like, yeah, it's because it's this person's fault. Yeah. They said the person you're with sucks. That's the common denominator. You want the best for everyone. But I just like, I don't know. I am not good at dating. I'm either single or obsessed with someone that's not as obsessed with me.
And then that's that. Yeah, that's not good. I just want someone that's like really into me and thinks I'm so cool and awesome and charming. Do you know what I think would be so hot? Someone who I find myself being the planner a lot. And can clean, please. Not cleaning, please. They have to clean? No, I hire someone. I find myself being the planner a lot. I have to pursue. Oh, I saw the story. I saw it. That was on Close Friends, so be very careful.
I saw it, babe. A guy asked me out recently, which is, that part's not rare. But he reached, he asked me out and then he was like, I'm going to plan dinner. What dates are you free? I'm going to tell you the time and the place. And that happens to me so rarely. I'm so often the person who has to be in charge, which partially makes sense because that's my energy. But it was so nice. I was like, ugh, I want someone to plan things for me. That's nice. And did that date already happen? No, it's coming up. Ooh, okay. Yeah, we'll see. We'll see what happens. Yeah.
Yeah. I hope he doesn't blow it. A planner. Yeah. Someone that a lot of my friends are with duds in ways that are just like bad at life and I'm bad at life. So I need someone that's on it. I hate to invoke. Someone needs to do my paperwork for me. Okay. So you need a CPA, hon. But yeah, I hate to invoke you for you're like, you're like, I need someone to clean the house, do my paperwork. Maybe you need an assistant.
No, no, I do. I have I have I'm hiring all these people. Yeah, I just want someone that like likes I'm still on this. You're like, we've moved on. But you said people are listening. So like, what am I truly? You're taking the prompt really seriously. You're like, no, I want something to come of this. Oh, and I really admire generosity. So if you're, you know, a stickler for who I was, that's like disgusting to me.
Oh, about money. Or time, space, energy, generosity. You want generosity? Yeah. You basically have described me. Is that crazy? I know. Is that crazy? Yeah. Should we give it a run? We should give it a run. Let's see how it goes. You're doing all genders, but I'm not into your gender much. I know. I do find you to be beautiful, though. So maybe we could work something out. Wow. I'm blushing. You're blushing?
But what were you going to say? What did I say a lot that you like? You were like, not to quote you or something. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Before you cut me off on my own show. I know. No, I was not to invoke your stand up. But you have so many of my favorite jokes. Obviously, I'm a huge fan of yours.
But one of the jokes that you have about the husband looking for the thing, do you want to tell it? Do you want to say the scenario? Yeah. I watched my friend's husband ask his wife where the frozen fruit was. Oh, my God.
In a way where it just all hit me where I was like, this is who you are building a life with? Yeah, because it's like, where did you look? Where did you look? You didn't take time, energy. You couldn't move anything. Like, where else would it be? Or can you go to the store? Just not sufficient in any way. It was gross. It was disgusting. Where's the Frozen Fruit is crazy. And that story is so illuminating to me of heterosexual relationships.
Yeah, it's like, you know, he booked the Uber on the wrong day. You know, it's like that kind of stuff. So we didn't make it to the airport. Spring break is ruined. It's...
It's like these women do every, I mean, you, it's like the cliche story, but it's like the bride plans everything. And the guy just has to book the band and he will not book the band. Yeah. And I just, yeah. Heterosexual. I mean, God, I got to give it up to men. They tricked with, they tricked everyone. You know what I mean? It's like, you only get into heaven if you cook and clean for me. You know, like you can't have freedom. It's good shit. They really created such a system for themselves and I do admire it. But, uh,
It's just the diminishing rewards. And now I think women are realizing that. And that's why the abortion laws and all this is happening because they've realized the women are a little over it. I don't know if the women are over it. I think a lot of women are going back to trad wife stuff. Women are actually now back to participating. Of course, but there are also white supremacists. It's like that's, of course, the faction of the Christian right that is attacking our nation. Ha ha ha!
And this is why you didn't kill it, Fluffy. This is why you didn't kill it, Fluffy, at the Palladium. Lisa, what do you want? What do you want out of life? What is the goal? What is the dream? You've got so much of it. I really have. Yeah, I think just doing what I'm doing, but steady raises through the years. More money, more money. More money, more seats, more venue, more work, consistency, more consistent work.
I don't want bigger venues. I really do. I think that makes so much sense for you. Yeah. I want to do the theaters, baby. I want to sign next. You know, I want to like do that. Yeah. I see that for you. It's going to happen. I don't want it, but I love it for you. But you know what else? Like, you know, we're sending tapes. We're out there. We're auditioning. I would love to get to a place where they're like,
We need a sassy receptionist. See if Lisa's available. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be. Just call her team and see if she's tech available. Yeah, yeah. To get an offer for something. I think that would be a big milestone. But I just want to do what I'm doing. Have fun. Take vacations. Eat good food. Go to concerts. Perform.
That's the dream, baby. Do good work. Yeah. That's the absolute dream. What is so true to you? Oh, and you know what? I want to be able to wait. Lisa, I'm going to kill you. My other dream is I want to be like a judge on all the shows I watch. So like on Drag Race and Top Chef, like I want to judge challenges. I think we can make that happen for you. I hope so. I think we can make that happen for you. But if you try to stray from my topics one more time. Yeah.
It's going to be big. You ask too good of questions that are life, you know, I think about it. Life changing. I'm like, yeah, I want love and to be on Top Chef. Let's go. Don't pull that joint out of there. No, I'm putting, I'm getting it.
I'm getting a little gloss. I'm getting a little gloss. Are you? Oh, I thought you had a Netflix is a joke branded purse, but it's just a sticker that you've put on your. Oh, well, because I was so excited to be able to be at the Palladium all access. And then, and then, you know, and then it all went how it went, huh? Yeah. But that's how excited I was. Yeah. As you put it on the bag. That is funny.
Yeah, I like love these moments. You know, I was really excited. But that's the best when you fail, when you really wanted it. Lisa, you're digging through this bag for absolutely three minutes straight, refusing to answer my question. You are such...
You kept me out so late last night. I'm delirious. You left pretty early. I think other people stayed until like 4 a.m. and you were there. First of all, you kept me out so late last night. I'm delirious. You and Sydney came, sat under blankets on the couch for 30 minutes and then went home. Listen, we're a lot older than you guys. That is so true. You're quite a bit older than me.
What is so true to you? So, but I'm thinking of something that's an unpopular opinion, but a hill that I would die on. It doesn't have to be unpopular. It's just like a thing, just a truth that to you, you're like, I would defend this anytime, any place. This is the truth to me about the world. Okay. I don't, I don't want to stick to the first thing that pops into my head, but I'll say it out loud just in case nothing else comes in. Yeah. Um,
Honestly, if you don't show a turn signal, I have the right to ram into you. Wow. That's a big one of chances. That's so true. Okay, okay. Wow. That's chances so true. I think that's how you communicate with others on the road and you have to show your turn signal before you start braking. I think we should be able to hit people with our cars more often. Yeah. Like not pedestrians. Obviously, they're cool. And bicyclists, God, bicyclist community, don't come for me. You guys, we fucking get it. Bicyclists are organized and talented.
But you know what scares me more is the motorized bikes. What do you mean? They're zip zapping around fast. Oh, LA, the motorcycles, the way they lane split. I can't believe it. Is that illegal? It should be illegal. They're zooming up next to your car door. You're trying to turn. They're daredevils. Well, they're big, big problems in my life. They do crazy stuff out there. Yeah. But I do think you should be able to tap other cars with your car sometime to be like, hey, stop that.
I guess I also believe that McDonald's is the number one fast food, but I think the numbers say that too. I was going to say, I think that's pretty borne out by evidence. Yeah. I just hate when people say it's Wendy's and it's like, okay, that's not true.
You might like a couple items on the Wendy's menu, but McDonald's overall has the most great menu items that all hit. What is your McDonald's order? What is your late night McDonald's order? I switch it up. That's the thing because it's so good. So I love a Big Mac. I'll do a Quarter Pounder, a Double Cheeseburger, a McChicken. Yeah. Sometimes I'm really feeling it.
I'll get something and then a chicken McNugget happy meal. Oh yeah. Um, cause I do collect the toys at times as well. Of course. Yeah. Sometimes you gotta, but sometimes you could buy the toy outside the happy meal. Sometimes you can't, they're kind of strict at some McDonald's, but others are loose and free.
but, and then I love the egg McMuffin, no meat, putting my hash brown inside of it. And I love the half sweet, half unsweet tea. That's a really good one there. That's a really good one there. Yeah. What are you thinking? And I used to love the strawberry Sunday. I have McDonald's at like 5am today. You say Jesus Christ. Okay. That's good. He's just, he's just trying to beef with most since the, since the weed situation. Were you fucking talking shit on me?
In the booth? No, they might be talking about how hot it is in here. It just got incredibly hot in here during the recording. So hot, it hurts. So hot in here. Hey, I had McDonald's at like 5 a.m. this morning. No, what'd you have? When everyone left, me and CG and Allie and Steve Hernandez, who slept on our couch, we ordered, McDonald's and I had a Big Mac sandwich
medium fry, uh, McChicken with no lettuce and a large Fanta. And that Fanta hit like fucking crack cocaine, dude. A McDonald's Fanta not talked about enough to me. Um, a Domino's hung over with a Fanta. Yo, together.
Like a cold Domino's or are you ordering it fresh, you're saying? Ordering it fresh because there's just like a one Domino's experience that is the blueprint for all the rest. It was like after the Miley Cyrus concert, we all did Molly. This is the bangers tour. And the next day we all woke up together and we all just got so much Domino's and orange Fanta and it just made me feel good. One Domino's experience that is the blueprint for all the rest is so...
It's like a poem. That was Emily Dickinson-esque. That was so beautiful the way you wrote that just now. There was one Domino's experience that was the blueprint for all the rest. I wish fast food wasn't killing us slowly because I love it. It's so good. It's killing me quickly, I think. Why can't it be more real? I'm really on the fast food game and I got to stop. I love Shake Shack. I do. Do you know what I recently discovered? What? The blackened chicken tenders from Popeye's.
The grilled blackened chicken tenders are fucking bangers. I don't know if I can handle the spice. They're not that spicy. Okay. I would like you to try. Because I waitress at a place and those blackened chicken. Were you a good waitress or a bad waitress? I didn't humor people. So bad. So bad. Yeah, the whole thing is interacting. So yeah, definitely bad server.
But when girls ordered salads, but I could tell they were pained, I would put like two, three fries on the side of their plate. That is so beautiful to me. You are so fucking real for that. That is like something that I can't even describe how beautiful that is. That level of sisterhood is rarely seen. Yeah. But did you know about Chicago Joe's? That's where I waitress. It was like a rib restaurant that loved coupons. But-
We didn't have to follow the rules at the time of my life. I ran a comedy show in the back, but I just, I loved it. And my favorite was Wednesdays was half-price flavored martini nights and bitches would ruin their lives. Like we had a woman come in, have five chocolate martinis and push our hostess into the waitress. People would get nuts on Wednesdays.
But, you know, I wouldn't be able to work at a real restaurant. Like here, like I could truly eat a side salad with ranch dripping down my throat, looking at my table and no one would care. Like we got to just do whatever we wanted. It was kind. It was really, really fun. Do you romanticize coming up in comedy? Do you miss it? Do you think it was this great time in your life? Well, I think about friendly movements. Everything's better when you're young. But I.
I loved it. Yeah, I loved it so much. I was 21, 22 hosting a really fun, cool show that everyone would party at. Yeah. And waitressing and living it up. Yeah, I was 21, 22 hosting a fun, cool show in Chicago. You don't romanticize. I hated being broke.
I hated being broke. It was so unfun for me that I look back on it and all I can remember is how broke I was. That's not true. I do have some fun memories, but I think about how poor I was. It was a constant stress for me. I was physically ill about how poor I was. I don't know. My rent was like $400 or I lived in my friend's pantry for a little while. Yeah, but this was in the 90s.
This was in the 90s for you. How dare you? Mine was very recent. So, you know, it was expensive in Chicago. The thing is, now I'm making more money than I did, but I live the same. I don't look at my bank account. I don't look at anything. And I just do whatever I want.
And I just want nicer things now. But it's like instead of Forever 21, I'm on Reformation. But it's like the process is the same. Or it's like I'm still going to concerts, but instead of like GA somewhere, you know. But my cornerstone has been the same. But you didn't grow up with money.
That's a very growing up with money behavior. No, but I was like, I'm a baby of the family. Yes, you were. Okay, I got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. It's all clicking for me. Yeah. I have something to tell you. What? Chance did some research on you. Chance's research of our guests is getting increasingly psychotic. I'm just saying like vacation, but I loved the road trip. I just liked it.
lisa you're you're you're i would get no interest credit cards your propensity your propensity to not let stop talking about a topic entirely it's hard to let me move on and then to come back to it is so you i'm obsessed you said you want to hear about the research yeah i do well i'm going to tell you about it um chance for some reason knows that when you were younger you wanted to be a prison psychologist i did why what was that about do you think
I honestly don't know, but there's a famous family photo where I made my family take me to the serial killer wax museum in Niagara Falls.
And you could tell the rest of my family is disturbed in the photo and really upset. And it's like a giant thing of like all these killers and Charles Manson and stuff. And my sister is pissed and I am so happy. I don't know what it was. Are you doing a peace sign? No, because it was before that. I was in fifth grade. I have no idea. I liked reading about it. I like James Patterson books. That's what it was. I love James Patterson books.
I was like detective. I love the movie Seven. Like I liked it. I was watching Oz. I was into figuring out killers. And then my –
sisters now husband's father was like I've worked in a jail you're too happy you shouldn't do that yeah and I went you're right and then that was that and then that was the end of it he's like you don't want to be in a great prison for your job every day you have like a zest and I was like okay yeah I don't want to be a psychologist and I wouldn't have been able to do it like in terms of good grades and stuff yeah just in terms of education yeah like I wouldn't want to do that we have one final segment for you
I wish there was more. I know. I do too. Was that the only research? The detective thing? No, there's more, but we simply have gone so long. I'll tell you one more thing Chance found. On June 29th, 2012, you posted on Facebook. Uh-oh. June 29th, 2012. I'm scared. So at this point, you were in your early 30s. She posted on Facebook, July 8th, Idina Menzel is at Ravinia. We going or what? I went. Did you? I can't believe it.
I can't believe it. I went with Megan Gailey and Mateo Lane. Oh my God, what a crew. We packed all these snacks. I have photos. We were so young and fun. We were in the lawn seats and she walked out saying one note. Mateo and I grabbed each other and we knew something was wrong. This bitch was so sick. She sounded terrible. Oh my God.
She was shoeless. She was like letting. Shoeless? She likes to sing barefoot and she was like letting people from the crowd sing songs because she was sick. It was a wild show, but I did go. I can't believe that. You went. We go in or what? And you did. You, Mateo and Megan. What a crew. Mateo's coming on the pod as well. I'm sure he is. And he has a lot of opinions too. Mateo does have a lot of opinions and we love him for it. Lisa, we have a true false. One of my big pet peeves, friends that don't eat seafood.
One of your big pet peeves is what? Friends that don't eat seafood. Like, if I can't get a shrimp cocktail with you at a table, I'm annoyed. Oh, I'm super annoyed. Yeah. If you don't eat stuff from the ocean, fuck you. Yes. It's beautiful in there. I have a few of those friends. Lisa, we have a segment for you.
It's a true-false segment. I'm going to read you 15 statements. I'm so glad there's so many. There's 15 statements. That's funny because John Marco said there's too many. I'm going to read you 15 statements that have an objective true or false answer. You're going to tell me as quickly as you can if you think it's true or false. If you get 10 or more correct, we're going to give you 50 US dollars. What? Yeah, exactly. The Spanish National Anthem has no words. True. True. Kris Jenner has 13 grandchildren. True.
False. True. The WWE's weekly Monday night show is called Monday Night Nitro. Wrong. False. It's... Raw. Yeah! Michael Jordan has the most NBA championship wins by a player. Yeah, he has six. I'm going to say true. False. Bill Russell. NBA championship wins by a player. Bill Russell. There's an ant species unique to New York City. What was that? There's an ant species unique to New York City. True. True. The first speeding ticket ever was issued in 1896. True. True. Only 10% of the population is left-handed. False.
I'm going to say false. True. Skokie, Illinois was originally called Niles Village. True. False. Niles Center. I live on Niles Center Road. Well, you should have known. The Pope can't be an organ donor. The who? The Pope. I'll say true. True. Violin bows are commonly made with human hair. Horse hair. False. Horse hair. Taylor Swift is 6'1".
No, she's 5'10". She's 5'11". Oh. But you're false. You're right. Boris Yeltsin was an Olympic weightlifter. No. False. He was not. Google Images was invented because of a Versace dress that J-Lo wore. Yes, true. True. Zebras have opposable thumbs. No. False. They do not. I just met a zebra. Well, you met two, but the first one you accused him of cheating on his wife. More people live in Louisiana than New York City. False. False. How many did you get? Oh.
11! Hey now, hey now, don't dream it's over. Oh, I had a different song in my head when you said that. What were you thinking? I heard it. Hey now, hey now, this is what dreams are.
Teams are made of. Lisa, do you want to tell the people where they can find you? At Glitter Cheese on the internet. And I have a link tree with information to see me live. And I run around New York City. When does this come out? Months from now, right? Sometime soon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm around town. Finally is online. Go see her live. She's one of the funniest comedians alive. I love you so much. I love you. This was really fun. Thank you for doing it. Thanks for having me. Love you, baby. And I won. You won. Okay, we did it. It is so fucking hot in here.