Marie Faustin Wants a Free Couch
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But a tall guy is not going to be smart. Yeah. The air is thinner up there. He's got God in his ear. Yeah, he's up there close to heaven. He can't spell. The text is going to be crazy. Marie.

Caleb. What's going on? I've been trying to get you on this show forever. I know. I've been dying to do it. Obsessed. I'm obsessed with you. You've been away. Well, we got to hang out because you and Sydney came and did my DC show. Oh, DC was so fun. That was a blast. Can you believe? Two shows. There was a rotisserie chicken debacle that I'll never forget. Yeah, what was it? They didn't have one. Yeah. Or they had one, but it was cold. I think it was that, maybe. I think it was that. Because did you want some?

Yeah, but not if it's cold. Yeah, see, that's the thing is we put the rotisserie chicken in the rider and we say, please have rotisserie chicken there. Here's what I'll tell you. The venue in San Diego, shout out to the Balboa in San Diego. They are the only venue. Some places brought it hot from the store. Some places had it clearly in a refrigerator for a day, which is so insane. Balboa, they cut it up the way that a chicken is supposed to be cut properly and put it in a dish with a burner underneath it so that when we got there, it was hot.

hot, cut, fresh, ready, that service. - Well I feel like that's the craziest thing about a rotisserie chicken, cutting it. 'Cause I'll rip a leg or a wing off and maybe slice the juicy part of the breast, but then the rest of it, I don't want. How do you cut it? - You're just ripping through it with your hands, really.

So now I got meat under my fingers. - Kinda. - And all rotisserie chicken is not created equal. - No. - Some of it is not seasoned. - Yeah. - I thought rotisserie meant seasoned and then they spin it. - No, sometimes they really just spin it on there. Well, Mexican people do really good rotisserie chicken.

Well, Mexican people know what seasonings are. Exactly correct. They season that shit out of the... Houston, they brought us... Because there's a Mexican joint in Kansas City that does this too. But they do Mexican seasoned rotisserie chicken and then they serve it too with pickled vegetables and tortillas. Houston, they brought us a rotisserie chicken and some tortillas that were... Okay, what I'm hearing is I need to go to Houston and eat rotisserie chicken. Yeah, you need to go... Where did we play in Houston? I forget what the venue was called. You need to play that venue. Baby, you doing theaters, okay? Okay.

I'm not going to Houston and 100 people show up and it's a, I don't know, 2,000 seat. No, thank you. You could still request that chicken, though. Wherever you're going in Houston, request that chicken because it's good stuff. I think based on how many tickets you sell, you should be allowed to ask for things like that. I don't even ask for that much. One rotisserie chicken and some hint of lime tortilla chips is not a big rider. That's it? That's two things? I ask for hint of lime tortilla chips, Dr. Pepper, salsa.

And rotisserie chicken. That's it. There's some additional stuff on there for everyone else, but that's my ask. We want to know everything on the rider. That's it. There's four things. There's Chomps. There's Dove's Chocolates. Chance always asks for whiskey. I think Virginia asks for rosé. Other people put stuff on, but all I need when I get there...

- Dr. Pepper, salsa, hint of lime tortillas, rotisserie chicken. - I didn't even know you could ask for rotisserie chicken. Let me tell you what's on my rider. - Yeah. - Welsh's fruit snacks. - Yeah, let's go. - Pringles. - Yeah. - Rose. - Yeah. - Grapes, bananas, strawberries. That's it? - Oh, do you know what? Virginia started asking for rose because of you and Sydney. - Oh. - She was like, I'm influenced. - Oh, yeah. - Yeah.

You know what? I am an influencer, so I love that for me. She literally left it. Virginia's obsessed with you both. And she left the DC shows being like, those are like my two favorite people. Like, I need to start ordering rosé. Like, she literally was like, I need to be like those girls. Mind you, Sydney is sober. The rosé was just for me. Was you. Mind you. She's like, in their green room, they had rosé. I need that. That's huge. That's absolutely massive. Well, see rosé and rotisserie chicken. That's the new rider. That's big. Well, I started doing rotisserie chicken because of Stavi.

Hey, you see, this is how you learn things. You talk to people, you sneak into their green room, you steal something. You know what, Stavi, I've done this phone call more than once, but I will straight up call people and say, how much money did you make on that? Because if someone makes me a similar offer, I call people and say, what money did you get paid for this? Are they lowballing me? Okay, please expect me to call you in the fall when my money is up.

I'm telling, well, oh yeah, I want to tell, here's what I'm telling you. Anybody, anybody who's friends with me, you, anybody, any one of our friends, if you called me and said, how much did you make on this? I would flat out tell you the exact number. Because that's what they, I think sometimes when people are offering you stuff, like, they're counting on us not talking because it's like supposed to be this shameful thing. But I'm like, no, you don't have to tell me, but I'm going to ask. A couple years ago, and this has nothing to do with you because...

A couple years ago, someone in the industry started a black people Google Doc. Oh, I'm in there, yeah. I snuck my way in, yeah. Right, right, right, right. I thought I saw you in there. Right underneath. I went in and created an allies tab. I put only my name in there. So,

So, and it was like, and it wasn't like people's names specifically, but it was like all these different jobs in the industry and how long they had been working and what they were getting paid and like rates for stuff. I gotta find that. I don't know where that is. But it's helpful because people don't talk. And they count on you not knowing how much somebody else got paid. But if you're being transparent, then it's easier for somebody else to be like, I know you have more money. Give me more. Yeah, and it's like, it's also like,

We all, anybody who does this kind of work, like, you know, TV writing jobs or acting gigs or venues or brand deals, all that kind of stuff, we all understand, like,

I'm somebody who's embarrassed about making money because I grew up poor. And, but I understand that we all understand that like the number you see on the paper is not what you're getting. Not even close. No. After you pay everybody and all that kind of stuff. So I think, yeah, removing some of the shame and just being like, yeah, this is what I got. It went to a myriad of other things. I maybe got a tiny little chunk of it to actually spend, but like, this is the number. I think that's, that's good.

Also, they always have more money. Whenever you get a contract, whenever you get an offer from a company or a business or a brand, they give you what number is ideal for them. So I always ask for more. Even before I had a lawyer, I was like, double it, triple it. More, now more. More, more, more, more. And, you know, it's working out great for me. So, yeah.

Did you see Sinners? I did see Sinners. Did you see Sinners? Yeah. Interesting. The scene where he teaches the little girl how to negotiate.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The girl in the truck. Yeah. Yeah, no spoilers. But if you haven't seen it, you trash. Yeah. Get out there. It's like that was one of those ones that you knew you had to get going. I didn't know what the movie was about. I didn't know what I was walking into. I didn't see no trailers. The person I went to see it with was white. So I was like, this feels wrong. But I think he paid. So actually...

- And that's correct, yeah. - Right, but we went to, we were in the recliner seats, so I'm laying flat, and so the movie starts and I'm like, "Slaves?" I'm like, "What is this cotton field that we passin' over for mad long?" And then it continues and I'm like, "Twins?" I knew nothing. "Vampires," I knew nothing, but I enjoyed it. - Were you giving this out loud? Were you giving the commentary for the people?

A little bit. Yeah. Every other word I screamed. Yeah. Oh, I started, when it started getting scary, I was just, I was, I was yelling out loud. I was like, you're fucking kidding me. I was like, do not walk over there. When the lady, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I'm going to spoil. I'm going to tell you right now I'm spoiling one thing because I want to say this. So if you don't want to hear a sinner spoiler, tune out for the next 45 seconds to a minute. It was tough for me when the evil vampire racist white people started playing that banjo music and it was supposed to be scary because I was like,

I started tapping my foot. That's the center stage. I said, I like songs like that. I said, oh no. You said, I was like, damn, they're onto something there. Yeah, I really liked it. It felt like home. Yeah, they're playing the devil's music and you were like. It was tough. They were like, look at these racist white vampires. I was like, the song is catchy. I'm having a good time. Yeah.

I wanted to dance bad. LOL. That was tough. Yeah, I mean, I saw it in mixed company. So there was like black people all around and it was white people kind of scattered about. And so it wasn't a quiet viewing experience. And I think that's what movies should be. A little bit loud. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I grew up in a real small town in Missouri. Okay, so my movie going experience was always very like...

quiet, boring, like country white folks, okay? Sinners. Sinners. I, when I was like,

- '16 or '17, Kevin Hart had put out a special that was like, they were playing it at AMCs, and I was like, oh my god, they're not playing this in my town, I wanna go see this. So me and my friends drove up to Kansas City to go to an AMC that had the recliner seats. 'Cause back then that was still kind of like a bougie luxury thing. - Oh yeah, lay flat? - Yeah. - I'm on my back watching a movie like this? - You remember the first time you saw one of those and you were like, whoa. - I was so focused on the chair, I don't even know what movie I saw.

Well, I know what I saw. I saw the Kevin Hart special. And we were the, it was a sold out theater. We were the only three white people in the room. And the first time that he told a joke, like the punchline, and everyone started like jumping out of their seats and screaming, I was like, I literally was like, I thought something had occurred. Yeah.

I was like, I'm learning something today. I didn't know you could have fun at movies. You are evolving. Yeah, I said, whoa. Did you take that back to your small town? Hell no. What I started doing was driving to the city every time I wanted to see a movie. It just makes it better. Plus, you're watching a stand-up movie. Yeah. Stand-up.

Yeah, stand up, scream, yeah. Well, and I also had never seen a stand-up special in space. Like, we always watch those, we stream those at home. Like, I hadn't, like, gone and seen a stand-up special at a theater. I don't think I've ever done that. I don't know. I have never seen it. I'm sure that someone's done it since, but, like, I specifically remember being like, whoa, I didn't even know you could do that. Some people do their specials like that. What do you mean? Like, people have, like, their special premiere days at, like,

event spaces with little theaters and we watch them like that. Yeah? Yeah. Are you going to do that for yours? I don't know. I might have to cut those. I don't think I'm allowed to talk about it. LOL. Whoops. Whoops. Anyway. You know, moving on. Yeah, I think that would be fun. I've only ever been to special release parties where they like kind of half-heartedly play it at a bar. Nah. Rose by Baker did hers at like

I want to say Soho House or something like that. And we were in the screening room and they gave popcorn and candy and people's teeth fell out. It was great. We had a good time. That would stress me out. I don't like watching people watch me. Was she in there? I don't like watching people watch me either. Yeah. She was in there. But it was all like, you know, her friends and family. The baby was there. Yeah, the baby. The baby was there. The titular baby from the bump, from the promo pictures. The baby from the special. The baby from the special was in the screening. Yeah.

Dude, I Q&A with the baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. How do you feel about this? You want kids? I don't know. Yeah, okay. I go back and forth with it, you know? Every time I see Rihanna pregnant, I'm like, I should have a baby. She makes it look good. I should have a baby. But also, like, some days I forget to eat until like 3 p.m. And...

And I've smoked weed already and it's like, I can't do this if I have a baby. - I'm high, I'm hungry. - I'm high, I'm hungry. - The baby's sober and hungry. - The baby will be dead. Like what? Plus it's like, I don't know. I can leave my house for days at a time and not think about it. You can't do that if you have a baby. You have to like be there. - Yeah, you really do.

It's kind of crazy. It's crazy that I'm like, of course I want kids. I really, really do. And then I'm like, literally for the last five years, I've wanted a dog and can't do it. Like, I can't commit to taking it out and I can't commit to being in town with it. Like, that's insane. Are you going to put a little vest on the dog?

Yeah, I would put shoes on it too. Like I'm really one of those. I'm really like I would get, here's I know exactly what will happen. When I get a dog, I view myself as too cool to do shit like that. I do think of myself as someone who's cooler than that. I would start, I would get the dog. I would start doing it ironically. I'd be like, oh, I'm going to put shoes on the dog. The dog has crocs. Yeah, I'm like, isn't that funny? And then I would legitimately fall in love with it and start doing it all the time. I'm somebody who's susceptible to that. I'll start doing something ironic and then I legitimately just become someone who's doing that.

I can't do a dog. - No? - No. - Not even a little small guy? - I can't do a dog because I'm not picking up poop. - Yeah. - But you gotta walk the dog multiple times a day. I'm out late. I used to date this guy, he'd be like, "I gotta go home and feed the dog." And I'd be like, "What? "It's 2:00 a.m. "The dog's killed and he eat?" But he was like, "I gotta take the dog out." And it was like, oh.

I was like, God. And he was like a big 6'3 dude. And I had never seen the dog, so I just assumed he had like a big, sexy dog. And then I met the dog. It's a Yorkie. Dude. I said, this petite girl dog. And he was like, yeah, my ex got this dog. And I was like, I don't want to talk about the dog no more. Get your ex's dog out of my house. Shut that ex dog up. Anyway, the dog's dead now. Bye. When a big, sexy man has a tiny, cute little dog, that's just something to me that happens a lot in New York.

That's something to me that is very spiritual. - Oh yeah, and he walked it with no leash. The dog just would walk with him. That's how, when a guy can walk a dog with no leash. - Yeah, I mean that's scary to me, but not when it's a Yorkie. What was that, a Yorkie? - Oh, Yorkie. - Those are tiny, they can't do anything. - Yeah, and it looked like a little baby dog for the whole time. The dog was 18 years old when it died. I'm like, hey little guy, baby! And he's got like a bad hip. - He's like, I'm a hundred in dog years, don't talk to me like that.

Like coughing and it was like, oh my God.

Why do we do dog years? Do you understand that? No. What is that about? Yeah, what's that about? Their bones age faster than ours? Or is it just literally that we're like, they're going to die when they're 18, so we have to feel better about them not dying as children? Is that kind of what it is? But all dogs don't live to be 18. I think average dog is like 12. I actually know nothing about dogs. Actually, as it turns out, let me... I don't even think it was a Yorkie. I don't know what a dog is. I would love to have a dog, but I can't. Yeah, I can't commit. And people say, get a small one and take it with you. I'm like...

I already, like the number of days that I wake up and almost cancel everything just because I'm not feeling it. I almost canceled this podcast and the next three things I have today just because I woke up being like, it would be nice to hang out at home. Oh, that's so crazy. I also thought the same thing when I woke up this morning. I was like, ah. Gotta go to Manhattan, yeah. I gotta go to the city. But I have a lot of stuff to do today. What are you doing?

- I'm trying to get a free couch, so I'm going to this thing later, right after this, like a brunch for this couch brand that I like. They invited me, so I'm going, I'm a network. - You're going in there asking for a free couch? - No, no, no, no, no, I'm just gonna go in. I'm gonna go in and be like, is this the new line? - Ooh, this would look good in my place, but I don't really wanna buy one right now. - I don't, couches are expensive, the sexy ones are expensive. - Couches and rugs will fuck you up. - A rug? - Yes.

- Rugs will fuck up your life. - But also, I don't know how to pick a rug and like it. You understand what I'm saying? 'Cause it has to go with the space, but also go with the couch, but also, I don't know, it's hard, it's all hard. - I'm not good at, so I have good taste and I like the things I like, but I am decorating my house right now and I hired my friend to be the interior decorator for it, or the interior designer, sorry.

Because that's the thing is I'm like, I like that rug. I like this couch. I like this piece of art. They don't necessarily go together. I put them in the room and they make no sense. Right. And then all of a sudden they'll pick something that seems like it makes no sense. They put it in the room. It's a skill. It's a crazy skill. And you'd be like, oh my God. Yeah. And it would be so simple. Yes. All in that right there. I hired an interior designer and she quit. No. Girl. Why? She said I was too indecisive. You put her. Yeah.

You put her through hell. - I did her through hell. I literally was like, yeah, I think I want an orange couch. And then the next time we spoke, I'd be like, I want a pink couch. And then the next time we speak, I'd be like, no, I wanna leave it blue. And she'd be like-- - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All of the HGTV that I watch, the interior designer shows up with some 3D renderings. Like, if you want orange, we could do this. If you want pink, we could do this. She never showed me no 3D renderings. No renderings. So that's on her. Yeah. Get your renderings right. Get your renderings ready. Yeah. Get your CAD plans or whatever. Bring me the renderings. I want my renderings now. Now. It's my renderings.

and I need them now. You driving this woman to quit because she didn't have renderings is cracking me up. Caleb, do you watch HGTV at all? No, not much. I love it. I think if I wasn't doing comedy, I would be an interior designer who was indecisive. Who has the renderings. But I would have the renderings. The renderings.

So I don't know why renderings is so funny, but you running an interior design show is something I would tune into. - Oh yeah, somebody sent me something, they pitched it to me. They're like, you walking into people's houses and saying yuck at everything you don't like. And I was like, yes, let's do it. 17 seasons. - We need you to have an unscripted show immediately called Marie Faustin's Renderings.

Renderings with Reezy. Renderings with Reezy. Come on. Merenderings. Merenderings. Come on. It's all right there. Let's go, Hollywood. Come on. Cut the check. This would be so good. I don't even know how to do renderings. You know, it might help you get that couch if you say the brand right now on the show. No. You don't think so? I'm not saying it. Because I don't have the couch yet. Yeah.

Give a follow-up. When I get the couch, I'll say the brand. I want you to tell them this. When you go there today, if you get to talk to someone, if you get to talk to someone who seems like they have couch power, I want you to say, I'm going to take a video of myself on my new couch and send it to Caleb, and he's going to put it on the show. Let me tell you something. Yeah. I went to visit the couch last month. I am obsessed with this. I'm looking at it. I'm laying on it. I'm like...

I did go with a man who I was like, maybe he'll buy the couch. He didn't buy it. But when we were on the way out, this girl was like, and she was like, oh my God, I'm listening to your podcast right now. And she was like, she worked for this, she worked for this company. And she was like, you know, I can talk to the marketing team for you.

And I was like, do that. Do that, yeah. And then I guess she didn't. But she messaged me and invited me to this brunch today, which is why I'm going to the brunch. A couch brand having a brunch is so like, brands have gotten out of control, I feel. Well, I'm calling it a brunch, but they might not have no food there. Yeah, it might just be that they want you to come see some couches. And if you're inviting me to see the couch, that must mean I'm leaving today with a couch. Yeah, I'm going home today. I'm leaving here with something. I'm leaving. That is my favorite. That is my favorite thing.

Conversation of all time. Yeah. I'm from around the way. I'm from around the way. I'm leaving. And the way, dude, he's so funny. The way he says that is so goddamn funny. He has Jamie Foxx in tears. Yes. Jamie Foxx, one of our only Renaissance men. Yes. Jamie Foxx who can do it all. Literally, literally, except date black women. Does he not? No. Jamie. That's okay. Jamie. That's okay. I can't be on his case about that. I don't either. Yeah.

Neither do I. I don't pay black women. Whoops. Oh, God, I wish. Hang in there, sis. Come on. Sorry to the black women listening. I am off the market. Ooh. For you, for you, for you. I'm not off the market. If you're a single black gay man, hit me up. Who knows? Show him the renderings. Yeah, show me the...

I want my renderings and I want them now. Wait, what was I thinking of? That Denzel clip is so fucking funny to me. Oh, well, I'm jealous of the place he's at, well, for a million reasons, but he's got that fun, he's in that fun part of his career where he's a legend, he's done it, he's done everything

the most iconic movies, he's one of the greatest actors of our lifetime. - He's done plays, he has the Academy Award. - Yeah. - You know, he's done seven equalizers, I don't know how many he's done. But yes, you're ready to have fun. - He shows up in sweats, or like he shows up in like, that interview he's dressed so casually, I don't think he ever shows up in sweats, but he's like casual, having fun, goofing off, and also saying what's on his mind. Like did you see that interview with him? He was talking to an interviewer and the interviewer was like,

- What do you think of all you Hollywood people coming and doing theater? And he was like, excuse me? - All you Hollywood people? - He was like, I do theater. He was like, I'm a theater actor first. And then he like, he just says what he wants now. - He dragged them.

Are you interviewing me, the Denzel Washington, and you haven't done your research? - Yeah. - I do theater. - Yeah, he's a theater actor. - I does this. - Yeah. - Right, he did Fences, and he's doing Othello right now. I mean, I don't know where he went to school. Is he a Yale School of Drama person? Or a Juilliard? - He went in New York for acting school. I wanna say it was like maybe Fordham or something. I don't think it was like NYU. Where'd he go? - No. - Somewhere, yeah, he went to Fordham. Ooh! - Look at you. - Did you see Nick get that?

That was good. I didn't know. That was really good. It's nice having the computer TV screen popped up like this. Yeah, he went to Fordham. Because I knew he was in New York, but he went to Fordham and, yeah, was doing theater. Now, I don't know what American conservatory theater is, but that's something he did as well. He went there as well? Yeah. So don't...

how does it feel like to come into, bitch, I do theater. - And he did, that's what I'm saying though, is like, he's at that awesome place of life where like, he doesn't have anything to prove to anyone, he's a fucking legend, and he'll just be like, he just stood that interviewer in an interview, was like, no, excuse me? He was like, no, absolutely not. - He said, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, I do that. - Yeah. - Yeah. - I love that for him. - I do, it's so great. But I think that at,

As you become successful, you can be that comfortable. 'Cause you can talk your shit. You've proven yourself already. You have nothing else to prove. - Yeah. - You there, you're there. In like a year or two. In like 10 years. - What's your favorite Denzel movie?

- I really like Remember the Titans. I like John Q. - John Q's my favorite. - It's just, it's so dramatic. It's so dramatic. My son needs a-- - Heart? - Heart. - And I'm robbing this hospital. Bring me the heart! - He's locking the doors. He's got guns pulled on doctors and shit. - Yes! - Yeah, John Q's a big one for me. - It's so good.

And then I'm blanking on all the other Denzel movies. I just rewatched Training Day. Okay. Does it still hold up? Yeah, it does. Okay, okay, I'm gonna watch it. I'm gonna rewatch it. I mean, he's so insane in it. Like, he's so, he's so, like, nuts and scary in that movie. I'm just like, Denzel, he can do anything.

- Yeah, but also like playing a villain, I feel like has to be fun. - Yeah. - 'Cause being the good guy is like, you want people to root for you, yay! But the villain has more fun in the movies, I think. - Yeah.

Well, because we don't really care much. I think we're more into villains now. Like, you look at the people who play the good guys and we're all just kind of, I don't know, I feel, at least in my circles, I'm bored with the good guy movies. I'm like, bring me a good villain. Bring me a villain. A big time villain. Yeah, that's kind of why I was disappointed in Cruella because it was like,

Cruella is more badass than this. I didn't see it. Who was in it? Emma Stone. Yeah, okay. Yeah, it's not giving what Glenn gave. Yeah. Well, Glenn's got those, there's something in the eyes there. She got crazy eyes. Yeah. She would kill a Dalmatian. Yeah.

Emma Stone is not killing a Dalmatian. No, too sweetie. No. Too sweetie with that one. I think she had a Dalmatian in the movie. It was like, this don't make sense. Yeah. Where is the coat? Where is the coat? Where are the coats? Make the coat. Yeah. I want my renderings and my coat immediately. Give me a rendering of the coat. Of the coat.

Dude, I love Emma Stone, though, too, because she's had a... She did, like, Easy A and movies like that. She started in Superbad. She was in Superbad and Easy A. She was Superbad in Superbad. And now...

She just did some movie where she, what was it? Pretty Things? Poor Things? Poor Things. Did you see that? Yes. That was a good movie. I love Yorgos. Yorgos Lanthimos. Sometimes people say Yorgo. I don't know what's correct. I don't know who Yorgos is. Yorgo Lanthimos. Yorgos Lanthimos. Is that the guy who did the movie? Yorgo. He's the director. What else has Yorgo directed? Oh my God. The Lobster.

You seen The Lobster? No, what is The Lobster? That sounds like some crazy Swedish movie. Yorgo? Is it Yorgo or Yorgos? Do you pronounce the S? Yorgos Lanthimos. He Greek as hell, huh? Can you Google Yorgo, pronounce S? Yeah. How do you say Yorgos Lanthimos?

Yorgos Lantimos? Oh shit, I didn't even realize the second one could be different. Softwine or Ghost. The last name is pronounced Lantimos. Yorgos Lantimos? I love it. Wait. His name is like a haiku.

Wait, with the T silent in Lantimos? Yorgos Lanimos. Lanimos? Lanimos. Yorgos Lanimos. Yorgos Lanimos. That sounds like a spell. Y'all, with prices going up on just about everything lately, being smart with your money isn't just a good idea.

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Yeah, it sounds like something Hermione would say when she's being annoying. Yorgos Lanimos! The boys can't get it and she's like, no, it's this, Yorgos Lanimos. I have a confession. We're not supposed to talk about her anymore. I've never seen Harry Potter. That has turned out to be correct. Why are we not supposed to talk about her anymore? Well, we're not supposed to talk about Harry Potter anymore because J.K. Rowling hates trans people. Yeah, and like really vocally.

Well, she's doing the reverse Denzel. She's been very successful. She's like, I'm going to talk about how I feel. Yeah, that is funny. I guess maybe there's – I don't envy her. I actually wish ill for her. But yeah, I guess if you're not a transphobe, it is kind of – to me, I'm like, as a business person, if you feel that way –

You know what I mean? Why not just keep it quiet? But that's how you know everybody on her team is old. Yeah. Because a young person would be like, we don't talk like that in 2025. Yeah. Or 2023, whenever she said it. Yeah. We don't talk about that post-pandemic. Yeah.

She's saying it every day. Yeah, we're not supposed to be, and I'm not watching them anymore, but as a kid, Harry Potter was like big for me. Who is she telling? Does she have a podcast or a blog or a sub stack? She's on Twitter every day, like railing against trans people, just tweeting out arguments. She's interacting with people criticizing her. She's quote tweeting people and being like,

being like, oh, I'm sorry. You know, however they talk. She's like, some men are supposed to use the loo then with the girls. And it's like, shut up, bitch. Shut up. Right. She doesn't even use public bathrooms. You have seven bathrooms in your house. Pee there. Yeah. So we're not supposed to talk about...

Not anymore. Harry Potter's canceled. But you never got into it. No. What were you into as a kid? What was your big like... I used to read a lot as a kid. I wasn't allowed to really watch movies. You know, my parents were like school and church. That's what we do here. Yeah. Church and school only.

Yeah. I mean, they're very, you know, they're Haitians. I'm first generation. They care about the Lord and the books. And it's like, what else? I remember I was invited to a birthday party to see She's All That at the movies. And I wasn't allowed to go to birthday parties because they were like, you can't go to somebody's house. You're going to get took. You're going to get touched. You're going to get taken. Took, touched, or taken? Touch, touched, taken. And I was like...

I just want to eat pizza with my friends and watch a movie about an ugly girl who has glasses and when she takes her glasses off, she cute down. And they would not let me go. But for the whole week, I thought, they're going to let me go. No. Really? I had a piano lesson that day and they made me go to my piano lesson.

- Ah, I just wanted to see She's All That. - They're legends to me, I love them. - Ugh, yeah, but I'll never forgive them for that. - Are you, what's the, are they still in New York? - Yeah. - Doing church all the time? - Yeah, but like separately. - Oh. - Yeah. - Interesting. - Yeah. It's like, do you guys, you love the Lord but don't love each other, that's interesting. - Interesting. - Yeah, but my parents have been together for like 40 years and I think they should not have been together for that long. And I think if you're together for that long,

and you're a certain age, it's just like, what am I gonna do? Start again? - Yeah, yes.

There's a lot of people like that. There's people like that, especially back in Missouri, that I know, who of course I'm not going to mention. They know who they are. They know who they are. But yeah, you're together for so long that you just go, I'm not starting over. You do your thing. I'll do mine. Let's just ride out the tax benefits until we're both out of here. Right. We'll do the burial plots next to each other, and that's just how we'll get out of this thing. No, we'll do a space between us in the burial plot. You, some grass. Me. Me. Yeah. You, Uncle Albert. Me. Me.

I don't want that. I don't want that for me. No. I'd rather be alone than be with somebody that I don't like. Yeah, for sure. My mom and I have talked about this a lot because she dated a lot of people. My mom wanted to fix a lot of broken men. And we talk about that a lot now that she's in her 50s and she's single. And she's like, no, I think it's actually better for me to be alone than to be with someone I don't like. And I'm like, yeah.

- Yes, welcome to it. - We've been saying that. - This is what we're saying, yeah. I just don't want to be with, I don't want someone in my house that I'm like annoyed with. - Hard stop, I don't want somebody in my house. I feel like Whoopi Goldberg. - Whoopi, wait. - Shout out to Whoopi G. - She really nailed it with that one.

But like as somebody who's lived alone for now five years, I can't imagine someone in my house. Even like my friends will come or like guys I date or my sister stay with me for like a couple months. And I like everything where it is because that's where I put it. She would put the Brita filter in the fridge in a different place. And I'd be like, oh my God.

It's blocking the light. I can't even see in the fridge. And it's like, girl, it's a clear filter with water in it. You can still see, but I'd be like, oh my God, it's hideous.

And so yeah, me and my sister have proven that we cannot live together. But she now has her own place, I have my own place. I think when you meet somebody and you move in together, you just have to get a new place together. You can't move into each other's space 'cause it's not gonna work. - I'm not integrating into your place. - No. - Not in my,

The idea that we're gonna get rid of your dresser because I like mine and we're gonna put it into the space. No, we're getting a new place. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I can walk through my apartment with the lights off and not hit anything. You start moving your big, bulky, manly, ugly stuff in here, I'm gonna stub my toe. And now you have to leave. You need to leave.

That wasn't in the rendering. Yeah. Whoa. This was not in the rendering. This was not in the rendering. I've got renderings for my life and you are not in them. They're ingrained in my brain. Yeah. But I don't know. I think that if and when I get married, he's going to have to live across the street. Yeah. People do that. People do that very successfully. Yeah.

I don't know, man. I feel like I want them in my house, though, at the same time. Do you know what I mean? Separate bedrooms, then. You think? Yeah. You're, like, doing anything to hold on. You're like, please, separate bedrooms. Something. I just... My space is really important to me. And I, as a single person, like, just...

to come home and not have to answer questions about my day and be able to just take all of my clothes off at the door and then put my keys down. You know what I mean? Like, you're allowed to be gross when you're alone. But when someone's watching you, you got to tweak how you act because they can see you. You're being perceived. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. And it's like, I just want you to think that I'm cute and cool. And then when you see me come home after doing three shows, you see that, oh, I'm kind of a savage. Yeah. Right? Yeah.

I'm like naked on my knees doing a wordle at 12.42 in the morning and I'm on the ground on my knees for like an hour. And then I get up and my knees creak because...

and then I drink something from the bottle, and then I shot, like, I have, there's steps to my madness. Yeah. I had a guy that I was seeing once that I was, I was at home in my, like, stained laundry day t-shirt. I had, when I had come in, I had, like, kicked my shoes off in the living room. I had, like, there's shit on the, I have, like, trash on the counter from dinner because I had ordered takeout. This is all stuff that I'm gonna handle. Yeah. But he texted me, and he was like, hey, I'm outside. I was just in the neighborhood. Can I, like, come in and hang out? And I was like,

"Dude, there's so many things that would have to happen "for you to come in here." And so I was like, I didn't answer for like 10 minutes, 'cause I was running around the house fixing stuff. I got back to my phone and I was like, "Oh yeah, give me a couple minutes." So I took a couple more minutes, and I'm like, this, you can never pop up on me like that. - Yeah. - I'm doing shit when I'm alone that you can't witness. - I hate the pop up. I hate the, "Hey, I'm downstairs," or worse, the buzzer. - Not the buzzer.

- If you're a buzzer and my house looks how you just described your house, I hit the deck. Literally, I did that the other day. I was like whoop. - Turn off the lights. - No, the lights were, I was like, he'll know that I saw it and I turn the lights off 'cause you can see that my lights are on when you walk up. So I'm on the ground, I'm like there's no way he can see me. I'm like crawling to the bathroom.

I had two friends the other day. I'm on the, not the ground level, but just right above. So you can, people on the street can see in my windows. And I have my windows open because it was hot. So you can hear what I'm doing in there. I can hear what's going on out there. And you can see because I only have the sheer curtains over it. Yeah. My friends were walking by on a walk and I'm sitting on the couch playing video games and they go, Caleb, they're looking at me. Oh no.

And I was like, oh, God. You got to get privacy, like sticky, clear stuff for your windows. I know, but I like it. I like being able to see. But most of the time, people were just walking by, minding their business, you know? These are people who knew I lived there. Caleb. So what did you do? Did you hit the deck? I went, no. And then they laughed really hard and then started to walk away. I said, come in, because I did want them to come in. But they didn't hear that part, so they just walked off and I let them. I was like, get out of here.

You said, no. Come in. I texted them and said, I said, come in. And they said, oh, we thought you said go away. I said, no, come in. Yeah, the no was the go away. The no was the, yeah. No. Yeah. I didn't like, I don't like the pop-up. I hate a pop-up. I think it's good for community, and I do it to people, but I don't.

I don't like it if I'm in a certain... You need to pop up on me when you know that I'm correct. Can I text you...

If I'm in your neighborhood or I'll text you if I'm going to be close by. Don't just show up. I have a friend. He'll do that. He'll show up on his little bike. He'd be like, hey, girl, come downstairs. I'm here. And I'm like, I'll come down. But you're not coming up. Yeah. Folks, as a lifelong glasses wearer, I know all too well how big of a hassle it can be to get yourself set up with a new pair of specs. Just because they make you see good doesn't mean they always look good. And most glasses companies could care less about fashion, which means the world to me.

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I like a pop-up with just a tiny bit of notice. I do like when someone's like, hey, I'm in your neighborhood. I'm coming by in 15 minutes. That I don't mind because then I can choose if I want to go out or if I want to let them in. I like a casual friend pop-over. There is something specifically different to me about a romantic context or someone that I have sex with where I'm like, it's different. Actually, most of my friends, like truly, Maria, if you came over to my house unannounced and I was in my laundry clothes and there was takeout on the counter and stuff, I'd be like,

That's just Marie. That's my friend Marie. I'm like, I wouldn't actually mind that so much. That's crazy. You wouldn't clean for me? I would clean, but I wouldn't be so scared of you perceiving me because you're my buddy. Somebody I fuck is like, oh man. It's different. It's different, yeah. I had a guy pop up on me once. It was like midnight. I'm in my underwear, literally just panties. I'm on the couch. My legs are up. The couch that I'm trying to get rid of. And I was on the phone with Sydney. We're like FaceTiming. My buzzer goes off and she's like, who's that? I'm like, I don't know.

I'm like, is it you? She's like, no. We're both like, what? And this guy that I was dating calls me and then texts me. Hey, I'm downstairs. I came to pick up my hat. What? No. At 1234 in the morning? Not the hat. The hat? Not the hat. You don't have no other hats at the house? Get another hat in the renderings. Stay out of my place. I had a hat thing with a guy one time. I hooked up with this guy from Grindr. He like...

I got on Grindr, I don't know if I've said this on here before, I got on Grindr, this guy messaged me, he was like, "Hey, do you wanna hook up?" I was like, "Yes, come over." He came over. This all takes place in like 10 minutes, it was like one of those. Comes over, hooks up, it was cold out, he had a stocking cap, he left it. And then when he left, I messaged him like an hour later, 'cause I noticed the stocking cap. I messaged him, I was like, "Hey, you left your thing,

feel free to swing by tomorrow, I'll be around, 'cause he told me he worked in the neighborhood. I was like, swing by tomorrow if you wanna grab it, or, he said he worked at a coffee shop. I was like, or I can bring it by your coffee shop if you just tell me which one it is, no big deal.

To me, I'm thinking like, you just left a hat here. It's winter. I'm gonna bring you your hat or you can come get it. He messaged me back like an hour later and was like, hey, just want to let you know, like I have a boyfriend, so I'm not really looking for anything serious. I was like, whoa, I'm not. You left the hat with me. Yeah, I'm not trying to date you. I'm trying to get rid of this hat. Yeah, I don't. I was so it's an ugly hat. I was like, what? Never got the hat back to him. After that, I was like, you're crazy.

Some people are crazy. People are crazy. But like, it's like he thought you were doing like a reverse leave something at somebody's house so you could see them again. Yeah. He thought you hid the hat so he had to come back and pick it up. I'm like, you left the cap. I'm not trying to date you. Yeah, he's like, I'm leaving here with nothing. No. I'm not from around the way. I work around the way. I work around the way. I'm leaving here with nothing. I'm leaving here with nothing.

Come get your raggedy hat. Sounds like the hat was ugly. It was ugly. And it, like, it's so insane to me to go from, like, we hooked up in, we...

Everything happened in under 10 minutes. We talked to each other, we agreed that he would come over, and then he was on his way. I would go from that to you leaving a hat to me being like, I think I need to trap this guy. I need to keep him around. Girl, first of all, hitting me with the, I have a boyfriend, I'm not looking for anything. You had a boyfriend when you came over here 10 minutes ago. By the way. Tell your boyfriend to come get the hat. Well, tell him to come get the hat. Yeah.

Where does your boyfriend work? Does he work at a coffee shop in the neighborhood? Can I take the hat to him? I don't care who gets the hat. People are delulu. Also, I will burn the hat. I don't care about the hat. Babe, babe. I was trying to be nice. I will use it to wipe my TV and my countertops and then throw it in the trash. I will ice all my floors with this hat and throw it away. I will Cinderella my whole house from floor to ceiling with this hat. Yes, I will easily do that with the hat. But I was trying to be Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood.

A friendly smile. You can't be nice. This is a lesson that you need to learn. You can't be nice. You think? You got to be a little cunty. Do you think I need to be a little meaner? Maybe. To men, for sure, yeah. To men. Yeah, you're better about that. You're better about that. Thank you so much. Yeah, you treat men bad. It's not that. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't treat men bad. I'm running a narrative. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm running a narrative. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Sinners. Sinners? Let's not do this.

I don't treat. I start playing banjo. Her leg starts tapping. Yeah. No, I don't treat men bad. I just think that if you're a little bit mean to people, they want you to like them more. Yeah. This is a fact. Yeah. Well, people want you to like them not because you're mean, but because you're cool.

- Huh. - You know you're cool, don't play with me. - I'm not cool all the time, and I'm cool now, but I wasn't cool as a kid. - Yeah. - I'm cool as an adult 'cause I'm like, none of this matters, and that is cool. - How do you think you, how did you become cool? 'Cause you are cool. You have a carefree attitude, you always look good. It's like, Maria, you've got a cool factor for sure. - Yeah, but I got anxiety. - Yeah, oh I know. - Anxiety. - Anxiety.

I have it, but I just, you know what it is? It's the pandemic. I was in my house and I was like, you know, I think I'm going to accomplish all the things that I want because I've also decided that the universe wants me to be happy and it wants me to win. So everything that I'm supposed to do, I'll do. But I was like, I don't want to be like 75 and be like, damn, I didn't really enjoy my life. Yeah. So I think in order to enjoy your life, you just have to do what you want and wear what you want and say what you want.

And that's, I think, what makes me cool. 'Cause I'm like, none of this matters. People who overthink things and think about what everybody is perceiving about them, those people are stressed.

Those people are not cool. - No. - Do what you want. You gon' die soon. Spend the money. Send the renderings. - Send the renderings immediately. - Yeah, but also I wear things that I feel like I'm not gonna see somebody else wearing. So I think that's why people think I dress cool. 'Cause I'm like, no one else is gonna wear this. It's ugly cute.

Yeah. I love an ugly cute. Well, you make it, yeah, you make it cool. You can wear anything and make it cool. I do think that about you. You have a good, you have a good, you accessorize well and you have a cool attitude about it. So if you, you could wear the ugliest, you wear the ugliest thing I've ever seen and genuinely I'd be like,

I need to start dressing like that. I would. You could influence me easily. Let me tell you, I was in Tokyo for 10 days. They are cool. Yeah. I thought I was cool before I got to Japan. I was like, oh no, I'm the girl from She's All That. I'm that. Yeah. Because they dress...

Like, they'll put stuff together. They had me saying sentences I never thought I'd say. Like, what an incredible blouse. Yeah. Like, I've never said that before. Incredible blouse? Yeah. But they dress so cool. Yeah. And Japan, like, is such, I mean, it's like 5,000 years old. They're very old. But, like, so you see somebody wearing, like, the traditional, like, robe, you know, the thing with the thing and the shoes with the thing. And then you see somebody in, like, booty shorts. Mm-hmm.

with leggings and pigtails and things on her face like a Harajuku girl and they coexist together and neither of them are judging each other. And it's just like, that's cool. That is cool. That's so cool. That is really fucking cool. I have to go back to Tokyo. Yeah? America's so ghetto compared to that place. I almost, I, the, okay,

I moved to New York last fall. And I promised myself, I usually travel for Christmas and New Year's, and I promised myself I'm going to stay in New York. Because I moved here and then had to go away for work immediately, and so I hadn't really settled into my place. And I was like, December, I'm spending in New York. It's like my commitment to being in New York. This December? This past one. This was last year. I didn't see you at the church. I wasn't at the church. That's my bad. Send me the invite. I would love to hang out with your parents. I don't know how we'd get along, but I'd love to try. Yeah.

Some parents love me, some don't. It's just we have to try. But I had committed to myself. I was like, I'm staying in New York in December. My friend hit me up and was like, hey, free hotel room for two weeks in Tokyo if you want to come.

Oh. And I didn't take it. Why? Because I had made a commitment to myself that I was like, you just went through this huge move to move to New York. You told yourself you were going to give New York a chance. And if you spend every fucking month away from it, you're not doing the thing you said you would do. And so I had promised myself I would stay in New York, and I did it. I skipped Tokyo. Who is the friend? Tell him to hit me up. I will. I'll tell her. Okay, yeah, tell her.

Yeah, tell her to hit me up. I'll tell her to hit you up. I'm leaving this podcast with something. I'm leaving this podcast with a trip to Tokyo. I want the rent to raise. Two weeks, free hotel. I know. And it's normally something I would so jump on, but I just was like, I felt like, I felt burnt out and I felt like I kept, I had broken a couple promises to myself before that. And I was like, this is something you need to stick to. Okay. And I'm really glad I did because then instead of starting, there was something else that

the new year was starting crazy. Like maybe the beginning, top of the year, I had to do something. I had something in January that was like starting off, uh, hectic. And I can't even remember now what it is, which is funny. But, uh,

I was like, you don't want to go travel for two weeks. And then come back and deal with it. And then come back and start the new year with this hectic thing. And it turned out I was really right. I felt like I started the year recharged. Isn't it crazy how we stress out about stuff? It like consumes us. And then we do it. And then a couple days or months pass. And then we don't even remember what we were so stressed out about. Do you ever have that thing? Yes. Okay. Okay.

- Yes, and also do you ever have that thing where you're feeling stressed and you have to go, wait, what was I stressed about? And remind yourself why you're stressed out in the moment? You don't get that? - Sometimes, but my memory is really bad. My memory is trash. I forget stuff that I have to do. I forget to pay my bills. I mean, I pay 'em when they send me that final termination notice. That's when I'm like, ugh, I guess I'll pay Con Ed.

Yeah, I'll get, I'll like be talking to a friend and I'll get like really sick to my stomach, stressed about something. Be like, oh fuck, I forgot about that thing I had to do today. And then I'll still feel the stress in my body and be talking and enjoying myself and going, wait, you were supposed to be stressed about something. Yes. And then I go, oh yeah, it was that thing. And then I feel relief that I remembered the stressful thing. Yes. Well, cause I'm, I'm one of these like, uh, go into a room to do something or pick something up and then be like, what?

like run into the room and then be like, what did I need? Why am I here? And then I have to retrace my steps and I'm like, and then when I'm leaving my house, I'm like, right, yes, pants or whatever. Like whatever.

Or I'm on the train and I'm like, oh, I forgot to put my rings on. That's like a bad day for me if I don't have any rings on. You need your rings bad. And I forgot to put all of them on. Yeah. I got some pinky rings that I love. Whatever. It's a lot. How did you or why did you start? Why are you single? What was that about? What was the genesis of that? It's an idea I've had for years. And I just sat on it. And I'm so mad I sat on it. LOL.

So mad I sat on it. Never mad I sat on it. But yeah, it's just an idea I had and I didn't really know what I wanted it to be. I do this thing at my shows where I ask people to give me three adjectives of what they're looking for in a person. And every time I did it, it was fun for me. And I was like, this is a game.

And then, I don't know, I was talking to people about it. I got tired of talking to people about wanting to do it. So I just started doing it. And every time I do it, it's a different, it like morphs into a new thing. And so I had it last night and it was so good. It's so fun. It's like silly. And I don't want people to take it too serious. And I want it to feel like a mix of like the price is right meets

I don't even know what, like the group chat meets any dating show you've ever watched. Price is right in that anybody in the audience could be on stage.

How'd it go last night? It was just good. Like, four messy people. The way I started it was least red flags wins, but now it's most red flags wins. Yeah. Because we want you to be messy. Yeah. I want you to show up and be like, yeah, I lie sometimes. I say I'll call you, and I don't. I won't, yeah. Yeah, and it's like, yes. And everyone in the audience gets a little red flag, and they love waving it when they hear something they don't like. Yeah. Ugh.

people in the audience be like, "Ah ah!" And it's like, girl, you waving it, but you also have this like-- - You're doing this as well, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Right, or you see somebody like, scratching their head and you're like, that's you. - Yeah. - You do that. - When people would do their three characteristics of what they're looking for in someone, did you feel they were being honest most of the time or no? - Yes. - You thought they were? - Yeah, usually. - 'Cause sometimes I feel like when my, I'll do, you know, you talk to your friends and be like, they'll be like, oh, I'm so tired of being single, dating's a nightmare, whatever, the thing we all say. And then you'll be like, what are you looking for?

you know, some of my closest friends will straight up lie to my face. Like, I'm looking for someone kind. I'm like, no, you're not. No, you're not. You have ditched every kind person you've dated. Well, kind is, I gotta say, kind is more rare. Yeah. Where's the toxicity? Yeah, you want toxic. A little bit. Just the crumb of it. Too nice is not good. Yeah. Not good.

- It's not, like it's boring. But also if you're too nice, I'ma feel like you gon' murder me. - You're hiding something. - Yeah, why? Why you being so nice to me? - What are you hiding? - Yeah, let's unpack that. - Yeah, or they'll say nothing physical and I'm like, sometimes that's true. But then your friend who is so, it'll be a friend that I'm like, you have only ever dated one type of person, you've only ever dated tall guys and you're not mentioning tall, that's feeling crazy to me. - Well usually when I ask women, we'll start with tall and it's like girl, that's implied. - Yeah, we're starting, yeah.

Tall is already in there. It's in the renderings. Yeah, it's in the renderings. Tall is in the renderings. Baked in. No girl is ever like, small, petite prince girl. Yeah. We know you want him to be tall. Yeah. And if he's tall, and then they'd be like, nice, smart. I'm like, if he's tall, he's not going to be smart and he's not going to be nice. Ha ha ha ha.

If you want smart and nice more than you want tall, we're going to put short in there. Yeah, it's going to be an option. You've got to get you a little, a 5'7", 5'8". Yeah. They're nicer. They're lower to the ground. Yeah. Yeah, they're more humble. They're down there. Right. But a tall guy is not going to be smart. Yeah. The air is thinner up there. He's got God in his ear. Yeah, he's up there close to heaven. He can't spell. The text is going to be crazy. Yeah.

His grammar is non-existent. No! He's tall and gorgeous. Yes! Yeah. So that, and I always say that, and they're like, teehee, and I'm like, no, you're laughing, but I've done the research. Yeah, if you want a well-read king, you better get someone who's down on those levels of the library stats. Yeah, the low books. Yeah, where they put the hard-to-find ones. Yeah. That is so funny. Tall guys can't access those. No, they don't even go to the library. Why should they? Yeah. They're tall. Yeah, they're playing basketball.

They're in the NBA. All tall guys are in the NBA. Every tall guy is in the NBA. Yeah. I've never seen a tall guy who wasn't an NBA player. Yeah.

I sat between two really famous NBA players, and I'm not a basketball guy, on a flight recently. And I don't know who they were, but I know they were. I recognized their faces as like, that's a guy who was a famous basketball player and now is like a famous commentator. And I sat between both of them on the plane. Shaquille O'Neal. No, I wish. God, I wish it was Charles Barkley and Shaquille O'Neal. Those are my guys. They're so funny together. I could cry. I love them so much. They're the funniest duo that's ever existed. I know. Just like bats.

- That's the dream, right? To have a fun job just judging other people doing the thing that you used to do. And you get to do it with your funny friend. - Yeah. - And make lots of money. - I mean, I've said this on the show several times, but the way that Shaq specifically eggs Charles on, the way that Charles would be doing, saying something, he's in the middle of saying something that is so, he should not be saying it, and Shaq would just be like, what else, Chuck?

- You don't need a friend like that. - That is the best thing. - Yeah, say it, say it with your chest. - Yeah, go ahead Chuck, what else? It really cracks me the fuck up. - You do a good check. - I love him, I think about him all the time. He had a reality show on maybe like Max or something. I watched every episode.

Shaq? Yes. What was the reality show? It was just him living his life. It was just him running his businesses. He went into a Papa John's. Isn't he also a sheriff? Yes, he's a deputy sheriff. Shaq's reality show is prominent. It's Shaq Life. His life, his entertainment. Shaq's life. I just loved it. I watched every episode of it. It was fucking awesome. Who do you think is having more fun in their side quests? Shaq or Snoop?

- Well Snoop was at the Olympics on a horse, he has the show with Martha Stewart, he's selling Skechers now. I don't know if he's a sheriff, but he might be a lieutenant or something. Both of them started doing one thing, did it well, and then have now done, are doing like a million other things. - Yeah, that's the dream. - Truly. - And you know, we haven't gotten this from her, and it makes me sad, but I don't think she wants it, but Queen Latifah.

If she wanted to do, I wish she had like, because you know, Shaq's got the DJing, Snoop's got like the cooking shows with Martha and stuff. I want more, as a fan of Queen Latifah's, I want her to do more like stuff as herself in real world, unscripted. But I just think she's so rich and chilling. She is, and her hair always looks good.

always looks good. - She never doesn't look amazing. - She's never had a bad hair day from living single days to now. Always looks good. - Yeah. - Yeah, I don't know. Maybe she doesn't wanna do that. - I don't think she does and I also wish, yeah, if she would dive back into music, I would be so here for it. - Well, Sidney was telling me

Queen Latifah, so Meg the Stallion bought Queen Latifah out at Coachella and then posted videos of them, her trying escargot for the first time with Latifah and her wife. And she was like, the videos are so fun to watch. Queen Latifah is funny.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. She, again, like Jamie Foxx, she's one of our true renaissance. She's funny. She's a brilliant musical artist. She's a serious... Set it off. Set it off. She's a brilliant, serious actor. Yeah. And she can do it all. Oh, wait. What's the movie that she did with that white dude, the old white guy? Steve Martin. Yes. What's that movie? Bringing Down the House. Bringing Down the House. Yes.

Classic Queen Latifah movie and then Last Holiday. Love that movie. Last Holiday is so fucking good. Life changing Christmas movie. Because I was like, yeah, we all gonna die. Buy the dress. Yeah, I love Last Holiday. I love it. I love Last Holiday. It's my second favorite Queen Latifah movie. What's the first one? Set It Off.

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. I love Set It Off. My friend was sad and really going through it a couple years ago, like during the pandemic, I think. And we were like, let's cheer her up. We all went to her house. We're having a girl's day. We're like, what should we watch? She had never seen Set It Off. We were like, let's watch Set It Off. We watch it. The saddest movie. It's not a cheer up movie at all. The saddest movie. It's sad every step of the way. The whole.

- And by the way, it's sad in every way you can imagine. It's like sexual violence sad, it's police violence sad. - It's sad for every single character. Jada Pinkett has to sleep with that gross man for a check for her brother to go to college. He don't wanna go to college. - He doesn't wanna go to college. - They're doing the cleaning business and the, what's her name, Kimberly Elise brings her son, he drinks bleach. That's sad.

Vivica A. Fox loses her job at the bank because the bank gets robbed. That's sad. Queen Latifah goes out...

And you didn't even mention, by the way, not only does he not want to go to college, he gets killed by the police. Yes. The whole thing is like, every step is more sad than you could ever imagine. But also, imagine having sex with somebody nasty. Yeah. That you don't want for money, for a good thing, for like, to send my brother to college. Yeah. And then he's like, man, fuck college. Yeah.

No, you need to go fuck that man. Yeah, you need to sleep with him and give me my money back. You need to go get him. Got more money, go sleep with him.

- Yeah, it really is sad, but every single one of them turns in, there are five Oscar winning performances in that movie. - And not one Oscar was won. - And that's what I'm saying. Queen Latifah should have gotten an Oscar for that movie, and we'll never stop talking about it. I love her, and if she would do a reality show, I would tune in. - I don't think she will. - I know she won't, and I actually really respect that. I don't think she wants it, but goddamn, she's funny. - Do you think a movie has to be sad for somebody to win an Oscar?

- Yeah, I just don't think we respect comedy in that way. If anybody was gonna win an Oscar for a comedy ever, I think it would've been, well, I guess I shouldn't say that. I think what I mean to say is, when I think of an Oscar-winning comedy performance, I think of Michael Keaton in The Other Guys. Have you ever seen this? - Was that the Will Ferrell one? - Will Ferrell, uh-huh. - Yeah, I don't remember Michael Keaton

Michael Keaton plays the captain at the police station. He plays that role so goddamn funny. This is him in it. Oh, yes, I've seen this. Dude, the Bed Bath & Beyond where he does it as a side hustle so his bisexual DJ son can go to NYU.

I've talked about this on the show before. Well, you know what? There's actually a connection to you, me, and this movie because we did the DC show and that guy came backstage afterwards who I think maybe he works for Adam McKay or something. He works for Bed Bath & Beyond. Yeah, he works for Bed Bath & Beyond. But he came to the show and was like, I'm the guy who says the Dancing in Highsmith, free hot dogs for life. No drinks. I can't do it. The guy who says that in that movie came to the DC show and we talked to him backstage. Yeah.

- He said that to you backstage? He said, "I'm the guy that says this"? - Yes, he's like a producer who had a line in that movie for fun, I guess, or maybe he was an actor at the time. - But how did that come up that he needed you to know that he said that? - Because I talk about how much I love that line all the time. It's one of my favorite lines in a comedy movie. - Got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it. - And I talk about it on the podcast and he came to the show and was like, "That's me."

And I was like, cool. You were like, do you want some rotisserie chicken? I was like, have some of this cold rotisserie chicken, yeah. Have some rosé. Have some rosé, yes. You know who else should have won an Oscar, an Academy Award for a movie that's also kind of sad? Angela Bassett. What's Love Got to Do With It? Okay, I'm gonna cry because the way she played that role was,

I have not seen something like it. - I thought for years that that was Tina Turner. And then I saw Tina and I was like, no, that's not her. - Where's Angela Bassett? - No, that's not her. - Yeah, well, I don't know what channel I was watching that this was, I watched that movie a million times and then I watched the Temptations movie a million times. - Oh yes! - Do you know what I'm talking about? - Probably BT. - Those two, it wasn't. - Come on, guys!

- It might have been BET. - You come from a BET home? - We were definitely watching BET, but I also thought maybe it was MTV, but BET makes more sense. - It might have been VH1, 'cause I feel like they used to play movies. But yeah, the first time I saw What's Love Got To Do With It, I was just clicking through the channels and I was like, oh, what's this? And then I was like, oh my, and also the Temptations movie. I had never seen them from the start. I had only ever seen them from like,

or like kind of close to the beginning. And every time it's on, I would have to watch either of those movies. - Yeah, if I'm in a hotel room to this day and the Temptations movie is on, I'm just like, yeah, this is what we're watching. I thought those guys were the Temptations. And who played Ike Turner, was it Lawrence Fishburne? - Yes, Morpheus.

Morpheus. Now, and I literally, like two days ago, I was, I randomly was Googling Ike Turner. So I was looking at pictures of Ike and Tina and Angela Bassett kept coming up. Yeah. And then when you look at, she really embodied that. Yeah. Killed it. She's amazing. Her body, her voice, her, when she's wearing the white suit and they're fighting in the limo, girl. Girl. Girl.

Yeah, she's incredible in that. I do wish, your question though about can only sad movies be award worthy, I do wish we cared more about comedy, culturally. I mean, comedy albums win Academy Awards.

And Whoopi Goldberg won for Ghost. She was kind of funny in that. Yeah, but not, do you know what I'm saying though? Like a big studio, well we don't really do big studio comedies anymore, but those are never considered like award winning. Like it is something that's like very sad or dramatic or, do you know what I'm saying? Oh yeah, remember when Charlize won? I was like, oh my God, she didn't have no makeup at all.

Yeah. They made her look like that? Yeah, she looked bad. She did. They made her look like a monster? They made her look like a monster. And hey, they succeeded. Yeah. They drew up the renderings and accomplished it in a big way. She gained a bunch of weight. Yeah. She killed a couple people. Yeah. She might have actually killed people for that. Yeah. Yeah. What was I thinking deserved an Oscar recently?

- There was something that I watched recently that I was like, damn, that's Oscar winning. It escapes me, but-- - It's fine. We'll fix it, we'll add it in post. - Marie, what's so true to you? - Oh my god, I wrote some stuff down. - Come on. - 'Cause I was like, literally I was thinking about this in the shower at 4:00 a.m. I was like, oh my god. - 4:00 a.m.? - Yeah, that's when I was in, 'cause I had to shoot some content that they'd been begging me for for the last three weeks and I was like, I have to do it tonight.

Okay, what is so true to me? Mm-hmm. Well, what's on your heart? Did you want to talk about something that's so true to you? No. I want to talk about yours. Well, I wrote a couple things. I don't know if any of them are good. Can we go through, like, three of them? Yeah, baby. And then the one that we like can stay. Yeah, easy. I think every year, once a year, we should have a pandemic for a month. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

- What do you mean by that? - Like shut the world down for a full month. - So you think just a shutdown? - Just shut it down. - Yeah. - One month a year. - Yeah, one 12th of the year we shut everything down. - Yes, the whole world, everybody on mute. - Yeah. - Or just, you know what I mean? - I think they do that in Europe. - It's called summer vacation.

- Truly, if you work with European people and you try to email them in the summer, good luck. You'll hear from them in October. - Everything that I wrote is a time thing. If you pay your rent on time, you should get a punch card and get one month rent free. - That is really true. Marie, that is maybe my favorite social we've ever had. I'm paying it on time every month. - Every month. And on time is loose. - Yeah, before the seventh.

It's always going to be before the 7th. It might be the 6th. But I feel like I'm paying rent regularly. You taking it from me at

Like, if I can get a free coffee after 12, I should be able to get a free rent. A free rent. Yeah, or a free upgrade of my choosing, even. Right. Hey, come in here and put in a washer dryer for me. Hey, take this white refrigerator out. Get this out of here. Come and change the knobs on the cabinets. I'm not enjoying this. The lights is dusty. Come on. Put metal lights in here. Get in here. Because it's like, what are we paying for? Yeah. Well, their mortgages and their lifestyle. You know, landlords...

You're going to accidentally get me started. Landlord's income went up 30% last year. Did anyone else's? Did any workers? Did people who work at McDonald's, did their income go up 30% last year? No. So these people make more and more money off of us. They're colluding. Yeah. I read an article like two days ago. Did you watch a TikTok or did you actually read an article? I read an article. Okay. Okay.

Because it's in the newsletter of KC Tenants, the organization that I love in Kansas City. And they send out a newsletter and there's links at the bottom that are like things to be reading. And I read this article about how there's a lawsuit right now that several states are involved in that because...

the landlords all got together and started using this technology that basically put them in cahoots with each other to, instead of competing in the market, which is every capitalist's favorite thing to talk about is how great the market competition is for all of us, allegedly, they just started artificially getting together and saying, hey, we're all gonna raise our rent to this amount so that no one can find any housing that isn't this expensive. Yeah.

- It's so crazy to me that the apartment will be the same. They're not upgrading anything, they're like painting over some light sockets maybe. And then when someone moves out, they're like, let's add three, four, $500 to this. - Or they force them out by saying we're gonna raise this $500, you can pay it or leave. - Yeah, I'm not paying that. - It's nuts. - Squatters rights. - Yeah, I'll be staying in here actually.

No, I don't. Yeah, it drives me nuts. These people are criminals. So the least they could do is give us a punch card. A punch card. Hey, girl. Thank you. I'm just going to catch this in. Or hey, birthday month. Yeah. Ooh, that'd be fun. Yeah, they're bad. They're bad. That would be huge. One month of free rent. Also, it's crazy to think about how

How much one month of free rent would change so many people's lives? Rent is like so much. Yeah. Well, in New York. I don't know where you live. You know, it might be. Oh, it's up everywhere. It might be $800 wherever you're at. It's up everywhere. Everywhere? Yeah. Oh, it's rising across the country. The rate of rent is up. And it's up in places. Kansas City actually has, and I'm very distinctly unproud of this, Kansas City has the highest rate of rent increase in the country.

- What? - Rate, yeah. So from where it's been to where it's headed. - Okay. - Now that's, it would be hard to compete with a place like New York because it's always been expensive. - Right. - But yeah, the rent is raising everywhere and people can't afford it. - What's the average price of a one bedroom in Kansas City, you think?

I did know this at one point, and I feel like the average price of a one-bedroom in Kent City might have been like $1,300, $1,400. Should we be blaming Taylor Swift and that man? That man. No, we should blame... We should and do blame landlords, private equity firms, and the government for not stepping in and regulating this shit. Oh, they don't give a damn. Well, they more than don't give a damn. They're in the pockets of these people. They make money off of it. So during the pandemic...

everybody in my building was like, you know what? We should not have to pay rent or something like that. They got together and they were like, we should be able to get it lowered or delayed or whatever. And they were like, let's talk to the landlord. And I was like, this is not going to be good for them. I already knew. I'm like a Trinidadian landlord. I said...

Caribbean people notoriously cheap and about their money. So they were like, let's all write an email or a letter. And I said, y'all do that. And they did it. And she responded in,

- Oh my God, you guys should thank the Lord that you have a place to live in this difficult time. Literally God has blessed you with an apartment to live in. - Green behavior, honestly, yeah. - You will be paying your rent as you pay your rent. - I'm pro landlord now, yeah. That brought me over, that brought me over, I'm pro landlord.

Not even lobbying for the landlords now. Queen behavior. She said, it's actually godly of me to accept that rent on time, and I will be. Yeah. Yeah, you'll be paying that rent on time. And will. And will. Indeed. You will pay, and I will receive. Thank you. And they were shocked. And I was like, okay.

honey, you're leaving here with nothing. You're leaving here with nothing. Literally. Yeah, I mean, some of these people are over leveraged. That's the other thing is like they've gotten themselves in bad positions where they can't afford to pay their notes every month without the extortion of the people that live in their buildings. Because some of the landlords have it really good where like,

they inherited these buildings or they got them during a crash of some sort when the interest rates were 2%. So they can afford, like if a couple people don't pay rent or if they don't raise it 500 bucks every year, they can actually afford to still pay their bills. Some of these new landlords decided that they were going to hack

their income or whatever and they went and bought too expensive of properties and over leveraged themselves and now they're in a bad way. - I don't feel bad for them. - I don't either, but I'm saying that's why they're being so evil about it. - They don't need no more money. I think if you hit a billion dollars, like if you make money and you hit a billion, your account should reset. Or maybe it's not a billion, I think if you hit a certain amount, let's say, how much money do you think people actually need?

300 million. If you hit 100 million, you hit 100 million dollars, you got a, like, it goes back to zero. How much money do you think people actually need? 300 million dollars? Yeah. How much does Mariah have? Yeah, yeah, whatever Mariah's got, you can have that. I think she has half a billion dollars. Yeah. I think she's worth like 500 million. Yeah. Yeah, if you hit 100 million dollars, you get a percent.

- Yeah, it should be humiliating to be a billionaire. If I was a billionaire, I would be embarrassed. I would literally be on the street every day being like, please take this money from me. I would be handing out cash. I'd be like, please, please, please. - You'd rent a hot air balloon. - Yes. - And you would throw money from it. - I would be humiliated. I'd be like, please don't let me be like those guys. Take this, take this away.

Have you ever thought about what a billion dollars is? And then there's people who have multiple billion dollars. Yeah. Well, you know what trips me up, though, is when there are sometimes people on the internet will try and do, where they're like, tick, tick.

just to give context to what a billion dollars is, and then they'll give an example that is so much more confusing to me than I was started out. Like, they'll be like, if you took a football field and multiplied it by 10 for every lot in the country that wasn't occupied by a family, and you did that 10 times every day for 100 years, you still... It's like... I start going, hold on, can we find a different way to talk about it? Yeah, you have, like, fractions on your plate. You're like...

I'm like, you're like Winona Ryder. It's a beautiful mind montage. I'm like, hold on. You have pins with string. You're like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Somehow I understand a billion dollars less and I'm less mad at them and not mad at you. Right. I'm like, why are you explaining it this way? Right. A football field? Yeah. They start, yeah, they start getting weird with it. They're like, if every day you made $20 for every second that you weren't doing a chore. Let's see if we can break it down. Yeah. So a million dollars is $100,000 a hundred times? Wait, what?

- 10 times, right? - No, 'cause then that's-- - $10,000,000. - Is that what, a million is $10,000,000? - Yeah, right, yeah, because it's yeah. - Okay, so, I'm already like, whoa. - Yeah, yeah. - In the football field? - Yeah. - $10,000,000 is a million. - Yeah. - So a million, hold on. So a billion is 10-- - No, can I think about this?

A million is $1,100,000. So 10 million is $100,000, right? No, my brain is broken. That's not how I do it. Let's do it the other way. Let's do it the other way. You're right. Let's do it the other way. Because we're trying to get now to $100 million. Yeah. That's $1,000,000.

- A hundred times. - Yeah, that is so easy. That part makes sense to me. - That's easy, that's easy. - A hundred million is a hundred millions, yeah. - It's a hundred million. - Yeah, that really makes sense to me, yeah. - Now, a hundred million, 10 times, is a billion? - Yeah, 'cause it's a 10 hundred million, which would be a new thing, which is the billion. - I think we did it. - We did it. Yeah, so a hundred million 10 times is a billion.

- I think. - We don't have it. - It doesn't matter, we don't have it. And landlords are bad. - And I think if you have $100 million, that's the max. That should be the max. 'Cause what else do you need? - By the way, we're smart people and look how dumb we just looked. - Ooh, math is hard. - So understand that's how evil it is. The devil is working to make us look stupid. - I took calculus, pre-calculus. - AP? I don't know what those were. - No, it wasn't AP. - I didn't do stuff like that.

I don't even know if my school had that stuff. It didn't. Sometimes people from nice schools and nice places will talk to me and they'll be like, well, of course, when I took college prep, la da da, I'm like, my school might have had that, but maybe I just wasn't doing it. I took a couple AP classes. Yeah. I don't know what those were. It didn't matter. Yeah. I have a segment for you, Marie. Oh, okay.

- Okay. - True, false. - Okay. - This is a game. - Love games. - You love games. - I play them. - I'm gonna read you 15 statements. You're gonna tell me as quickly as you can if you think what I just said was true or false. - Okay. - And then if you get 10 or more correct, I'm gonna give you 50 US dollars. - Is that one dollar 50 times? - So that's basically, if you have a dollar and you do that 50 times, then you have $50. - Wow. - Yeah. - Look out, Jeff Bezos. - He's done, yeah, you're coming for him. Okay, fish don't blink. - They do blink.

False. It's true. I feel like I've seen a fish blink before. No, you haven't. I have. Hey, Nicole, are you keeping track of these, by the way, for me? Will you? I saw Finding Nemo. They blink. Pixar fish blink. Butterflies taste with their wings. No. False. It's their feet. Milk is the most popular beverage on the planet. No. False. False. It's water. Hades' motto is liberty, equality, fraternity. That's false. That's true. Leviticus is the third book in the Bible.

That's true. That is true. A blue whale's heart can weigh up to 400 pounds. Do they have hearts? True. It is true. Long Island is smaller than Rhode Island. Don't know. False. False. Miss Frizzle was the teacher in the magic school bus. Oh, true. True. MTV stands for millennial television. False. False music television. Texas has the largest population of all US states. False. False. California. A human can survive a month without water.

False. False. Only about three days. You cannot buy fireworks in Massachusetts. False. True. Mariah Carey has won 12 Grammy Awards. True. False. Only six. That's crazy. That's not right, is what that is. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, 1776. False. True. I knew the Miss Frizzle one, though. You did, big time. Omnivores eat both plants and meat. True. True. How'd she do? Nice! Oh!

Let's go! I'm rich, bitch! Yeah! You're a landlord now. I am leaving here with some. You guys should be blessed that Marie lets you live in her building. God has sent you Marie's landlord. That was hard. That was hard. He kind of did a hard one. Chance wrote a hard one on that one. Yeah. Chance did that? Chance writes those. I'm going to send Chance a message. Yeah, send him a note. Write to him. We love you. Is there anything you want to plug?

I have a podcast. It's called Mess. I do it with Sydney Washington. It's fantastic. And I host a show called Why Are You Single? And it's all about helping people find red flags, not love. Not love. We won't do it. Not us. People will show up and be like, I thought I was playing for a chance at a date with you. You're not. No. You're not in that game. In this America? No. You're not in that race. Yes.

Yeah. But there is a couch you could buy if you wanted to be competitive. Ooh, okay. I am accepting couches and renderings. And then you can find me on Instagram. Reezy, R-E-E-E-Z-Y. Marie, thank you for doing it. Thank you for having me and waiting because I was half an hour late. Nah, we don't care about that. That was a Hate Gum podcast.

Hey Gorge, it's me Got Mick and me Violet Chachki and we want you to listen to our podcast No Gorge now on HeadGum. Each episode we will be bringing you vlogs answering burning questions discussing what's going on right now and diving into all things fashion, hookups, gossip, and more. With past guests such as Heidi Klum and Dita Von Teese, No Gorge always keeps things hot.

Listen to No Gorge on your favorite podcast app or watch full video episodes on YouTube. New episodes every Thursday. Bye, Gorge.

Hi there, my name is Alison Williams. If you know who I am at all, it would probably be thanks to my job as an actress on shows like Girls and in movies like Megan. Recently, when I was having a moment of gratitude for my group chat, I thought, I wish everyone could have these geniuses at their fingertips like I do. Well, now you do. Hi, hi, it's Hope. Hey, babe, it's Jamie. Welcome to our podcast, Landlines, where we share our life-sustaining and shame-extinguishing friendship.

We have known each other and we've been friends for a very long time. Hope was my first best friend, but it wasn't mutual. I mean, I asked, I distinctly remember I feel calling her on the phone and asking if she'd sit next to me on the bus. And she said, maybe she didn't say no. Maybe it's meaner. She wasn't sure. Maybe it's like discerning.

When I was pregnant, I started this group chat to prepare and crowdsource, and it's been such a delight to troubleshoot with our friend group. And we just had this thought, should we invite other people into our group chat? I'm a therapist. I'm a trained early childhood educator. And I'm, well, you know, whatever I am. I guess someone who has the vibe of having it all together. And still, the three of us find it hard to be moms, partners, friends, family members, professional women, and just, you know, adults.

The stuff we're talking about, whatever the recent fight was with our partner or the parenting concern we have or a funny thing with our kids, or it's like, what's going on with my body? I feel like I have a family of squirrels living in my lower abdomen. I feel affirmed. I feel normalized. I feel like I'm not going fucking crazy.

And I had to talk it out with you guys with different perspectives and different identities that you're juggling. Totally. Lifelong friendship has been our lifeline. We sincerely hope our conversation makes you feel less alone in whatever you're going through. So subscribe to Landlines on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes are out now on HeadGum. Love you.