Niles Abston Loves Being Left Alone
01:11:34 Share

This is a HeadGum Podcast. The holidays are all about sharing with family. Meals, couches, stories, grandma's secret pecan pie recipe. And now you can also share a cart with Instacart family carts. Everyone can add what they want to one group cart from wherever they are. So you don't have to go from room to room to find out who wants cranberry sauce or whether you should get mini marshmallows for the yams or collecting votes for sugar cookies versus shortbread. Just share a cart.

And then share the meals in the moments. Download the Instacart app and get delivery in as fast as 30 minutes. Plus, enjoy free delivery on your first three orders. Service fees and terms apply. Credit Karma is your evolved financial assistant, making managing your finances simpler and more tailored to you. Join us at creditkarma.com to start your personalized financial journey today and continue to grow with our innovations. Credit Karma. Evolve your finances.

Male loneliness, I love. Leave me alone. Please. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a PlayStation, a nice condo. I got Postmates. I don't want to see none of y'all. Yeah. It's great. I think you are maybe what they're talking about, though. Really? You're sitting in the house playing video games, but is anyone coming over or anything? No. No. How you doing, brother? I'm doing great. Okay.

I don't understand lighting. You know, I spent a whole day once Googling lighting. Yeah. Do you know what I was like? I was Googling like how to light things. Right. Because, you know, we like to make things. Exactly. You'd be on set and you're like, wait, this is why you have to do it. Okay. And I'm curious. I'm like, why is there one beside me? Right. You know, because you think you would want me lit from the front, but there has to be one beside you that comes from a different angle. I read a lot about key lighting came up.

I didn't retain a lot of it. No. It's not for me. It's not. But I have a lot of respect for people who do all the stuff on set that I am too stupid to do.

You gotta have them. You ever just on a set and go, there are 300 million people working on this. Yes. And every one of them has a specific job. Dude. It's kind of beautiful. When I was on set on my Dave episode, that's how I was. I went and thanked the ladies that did set design because my episode was the Met Gala. And I was like, if y'all didn't make this actually look like the Met Gala, it doesn't matter how funny the dialogue is. Right. Everyone's like, this doesn't look like the Met Gala. But people were like, did y'all fly out to New York to shoot that? And I was like...

Let's go. Let's go. But like in one scene, you can clearly see an LA bus drive behind Jack Harlow. Right. In the episode. Right. But like if you don't, if you aren't there, you don't know that. Yeah. We're not going to worry about that. Yeah. How'd you start writing for that show? Lil Dicky saw my first standup special on YouTube. Really?

Really? Yeah. Damn. That actually happened? Yeah. But it was two years after the fact. Right. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Two years after the fact, they were looking for writers. He had saw it on YouTube. And so they hit CAA up and I just got a random call one day. It was like, yeah, they want to interview you for the job. And I had literally just moved to New York. I had packed up all my shit, moved to New York. I was like, fuck TV. I'm just doing standup. TV's stupid. And then...

Two weeks later, I get this call. Hey, this TV show you actually watch wants you to write for it. Yeah. And yeah, I had the first interview and I was dating this girl out there too. And I was like, I think I'm going to get this job because I don't ever get jobs. And they were just too nice to me. What happened with the girl? We don't.

I was just in New York, so I just saw her. You traded her in for a writing job. That's what she says. That's crazy. She hates Lil Dicky. Yeah, queen. Honestly, respect. She's like, fuck that man in his career. She said he ruined her love life. Yeah, I love her. Bring her back.

You need to quit running around in these streets. She actually thinks you're hilarious because you remember we taped on Comedy Central for the first, on the same night she was there at the show. She was like, Caleb's so funny. I was like, shut up. You need to get back together with this. She got a good head on her shoulders. Don't lose this one. She could not see this podcast. Don't lose this woman. She could not see this. A good woman's worth a million writing jobs. We're not rolling at all.

We are cutting all of this from the show. Because I was willing to not be on her side. And then when I found out her taste. Her taste in comedy. This is a good woman. She has good comedy taste. I'll give her that. Was that your first writing job ever? First TV writing job, yeah. How was it for you? It was so fun. It was so fun because it's just like,

uh so tv nerds know this who this guy is but like the general public won't but jeff schaefer co-created dave with little dicky and so like you know jeff schaefer he ran he ran curb with larry literally curb is just him and larry writing the show back and forth like he told me during the pandemic larry would just facetime him and they would write the show yeah it's just crazy and then like he created the league with his wife which i think is like one of the funniest shows ever even if you don't like football so like

Just getting to learn from him every day was crazy. And you're just sitting at a table next to a guy that's phone would start buzzing. You see Larry David pop up on the phone. You're like, I'm here right now? This is crazy. This dude wrote out on Seinfeld right out of high school. Right out of college. I don't want to get a call from Larry David. Who knows what the hell he's going to be complaining about. I bet it's probably the craziest thing. He's funny, but he'd be an annoying ass friend. Yes. Somebody cut me off. Larry, shut up. Yeah, I can only imagine. Larry's probably one of those people he calls you and you just go...

Like, you know those people you have to prepare to answer the phone? I can tell you, if I was friends with Larry David, I guarantee you five times a phone call or more, I'd say. Yeah, that's crazy, man. That's fucking crazy. That's crazy. Anyway. Anyway. All right, I'm going to let you go. All right, man. Yeah, well, hey, I hope you all figure that out. You're right. Yeah, people in the grocery store are, everything's crazy. Yeah, I hate when that chair's wobbly. I get it. Yeah.

I get it. That's how you know that dude is hilarious, man. He made a whole show of just like rich white dude problems. And it worked. And it worked. And it worked, yeah. Because he's being truthful. That shit really ruins his day. Yeah. Like that's so funny to me. Like that shit really ruins that guy's day when something's just a little off. When he can never be wrong. He can't. I think, you know, I think about Larry David in that show often because there's a lot of things they do on that show that like,

you know, some dumbass right winger would be like, you could never get away with this today. Right, right, right. The show's currently in production. And it's because I think, I joke about stuff all the time that you would think I wouldn't be allowed to joke about. Exactly. But it's like, people know the intent. The intent and the good writing and the performance, right? Right. A lot of right wingers just say slurs and they're like, ha! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Who's your favorite right-wing comic right now? Be honest. Favorite right-wing? You had to pick one above all the rest. I had to pick one. Favorite right-wing comic. Yeah. Favorite of those comics that are doing the like, oh, woke liberals killed comedy. Who would you pick? Who's your fighter? Oh, man.

I don't know. I'm taking Chappelle. Probably. I'm taking Chappelle. He's a new right-wing comedian. I'm taking Chappelle. I'd have to say him. I'd take Chappelle, bro. Yeah. That shit is crazy. He really does that shit. He's really in that now. Damn. Yeah. We lost one. We lost a good one.

You talk about those guys online a lot. All the time. Because it's just like, dude, they'll be like, they'll do this thing where they're like, you can't say anything. And they're saying it to 30,000 people. They're saying everything. And I'm just like, what actually can't you say? You say everything. You're on a podcast every week that gets 20 million downloads. Like, what are we talking about? And you've got compounds. You own so much property. You're actively saying things. They are making so much money. And honestly, I get it.

If you can trick millions of people to think you're still an underdog after making millions of dollars for saying funnies. Yeah. I got to hand it to you. That's Donald Trump's whole bag. Literally. He's like, they're being mean to me. It's like, you're a very longtime famous rich guy.

He was in Home Alone. That's the pinnacle of his power. He's been talked about in every rap song. I'm just like, you've had a great life, my dog. What are you talking about? He blew it because he could have died an icon. He really could have. He could have just been a kind of racist, fucked up, old rich guy that everyone was like, he's rich. Yeah. And people were digging it.

It blows my, because it just kind of came out of nowhere. Yeah. Because it started with the Obama thing. Yeah. For, I guess. The birth certificate. Yeah, the birth certificate thing. And I was like, that's what we're going to do? Yeah. And he became president.

It's also, it worked. I don't know. Like it worked. It's crazy that that's how far he had to go to lose liberals. Like even the central park five thing, liberals were still like, we'll put him on TV. Right. You know? Right. But then the birth certificate, then they're like, okay, now it's too much. It's like, well now he's president. You already lost. He's literally president. Yeah. The Simpsons told us it was going to happen. Listen, do,

Are you a Simpsons fan? I see it every now and then. I have a friend that's like, he watches it like every day. I see. I'm not one of those. I'm not one of those. I respect it, but I'm not watching Simpsons. I'm more of a family guy. Yeah, that's, see, that's, yeah, let's go. That's me and you. We're family. That's our, I think that's our generation. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Family guy is way. It's the same premise, but it was made 10 years later, you know? Yeah. And it's like, yeah, I don't really care about Homer like wanting to strangle his kid or whatever. No. No.

You know, he's like, he's like, you know, I like that Peter. I like that Peter will literally shoot one of his kids. Yes. You know, it's amazing. He'll do anything. They would sell Meg into slavery. If it would make a good episode, they would do that. They would do that to Meg. And it gets disrespected a lot on the show. She does. I feel bad for her. I do feel bad for Meg. Yeah. Because she really does have a pure heart. She does. Yeah. She does. I think Chris does too, in a way.

Yeah, but... Let's go through the characters. Okay. Okay, ranking the Family Guy characters by pure and not pure of heart. Yeah. No, I think obviously Stewie's evil. Yeah, Stewie and Quagmire are the worst ones. Yeah. You think Quagmire? Oh my God! Dude! Like, I went back to like an early season just to like watch. Okay, I already know. And I was like, he had this thing where like it feels fucked up.

to even talk about it. Like, I feel like my career is going to be over by bringing up what Quagmire did. But they wrote the shit and put it on television for my young ass. But there's like a thing, a girl comes over to Quagmire's place and like a thing sprays her in the face and knocks her out and then bends her over. Yeah. And I'm just like, Niles, why would you bring that up? I know. I was watching it like, I need to change the channel. I need to put on like TBN or something. Yeah, he's definitely not pure of heart, that Quagmire. I just,

The fact that they put that on TV is just good for them, I guess. Yeah, I mean, whatever they have to do, I guess. Whatever they have to do.

The show evolved. I'm glad. I am glad Family Guy got away from the like, the world will be mine, Stewie thing. Like the world revenge with the ray gun shit. It's fun now. I like that they made him more of like a gay little, like they just make Stewie gay every other episode. It's funny. It's funny watching a little gay baby walk around with a dog. Yeah.

It scratches an itch for me. What can I say? I love it. I love it. I love little gay baby and his dog. Oh my God. That's so funny. Wait, so, okay. So you write for Dave and, uh,

Well, you made, so I messaged you a while back and said, you keep talking about this short film you made. I need to see it. And you sent it to me and it was so good. Thank you, man. Did you just have a premiere for that or something? Yeah, we did a screening at the Bushwick Film Festival in New York. For 98 Honda. Yeah, for 98 Honda. And then this weekend, it'll be at the Montclair Film Festival, which I can't go to because my sister's getting married. I'm so happy.

Oh my God. For her. Where's she getting married? Back in Mississippi. Damn. And she had to do it this weekend. So while I'm going to be on the big screen with, I think, a Nora's screening there. Denzel produced a movie that's in it. Cersei Ronan's in a movie. We're in this huge, it's like a top 50 festival in the world. Yeah. And we're in this shit and I can't go because my sister's so happy. Skip.

Skip your sister's wedding. I tried. Yeah, skip your sister's wedding. I tried. I have not RSVP'd. Yeah. I'm trying to keep my family on their toes. Yeah, don't let them know. I cancel flights all the time. Absolutely. Look. So I'm just like, give me a reason to fly to New Jersey on Friday. Yeah. I will do it. One person have a bad attitude. I swear to God. One person in the group text misbehave. Because I get there late Friday night. If one person gives me attitude in that family, I'm flying to New Jersey in a minute. I'm going.

Send me a picture. I love that for you. Yeah, so. What? Your sister's getting married in Mississippi. Is she older? No, she's younger. Younger. So I'm already preparing for all those. So when are you going to, when you get some money? How about that? Yeah. Yeah. I hate when family be trying to do all that.

It doesn't, you should try being gay. They give up on it quickly. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. Once you're gay, they're just like, oh, I guess he's never going to, like it really, everyone, the kids thing doesn't really come up that much, except for my mom. She's, but she's built different. My mom is a super hero when it comes to being able to do mom shit. She'll find a way. But yeah, the marriage stuff doesn't come up anymore. I think they just assume. I'm like, not really. Yeah. My gay cousin got married and had a baby.

So like now they're even, they're like, well, she did it. What's wrong with you? Cut this. That's really funny. Niles. Cut that. Yeah, that's crazy. Cut that. Thank you for saying that. Mark the note chance. We're cutting that. That's crazy. My bad. That's crazy. It's just, and I was going, my gay cousin had a baby cut too. So Niles, Niles,

Damn, so lesbian with a wife and a baby. They're beautiful. Man, they're letting people do anything now. My lesbian cousin, the truth, bro, she a truck driver. Oh my God. Yeah, dog. Butch? Oh yeah. Right, I mean, you have to ask. She was a hooper in high school. She would dunk and shit. Now she a truck driver, got a beautiful wife and a baby. Does she have a stud name?

No. Well, I guess, I don't want to say her name on here. Right, right, right, right, right, right. But she kind of does. She has a nickname to her name that I was like, oh, a dude could go by that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, Niles, that's a stud name. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love that for her. Do they live in Mississippi? No, they live in California. Oh, nice. Yeah, they live out here. Nice. Not LA? No, I got family in the Inland Empire. That's where my dad's from. Oh, nice. Yeah, so like the Pomona, Monrovia area, like it's about an hour outside of here. There's a Sonic out there.

That's why I go out there. There's a Sonic in Monrovia. You are for real from the Midwest. You're real. You're real. Dude, every time I go visit family, I hit a Sonic on the way back. Yeah. Or if I like, cause you have to go through the IE to get to Vegas. So I always stop at a Sonic on the way back. There's a Sonic in Monrovia. Yep. It's like a Lana Del Rey song. There's a Sonic in Monrovia. It does sound like it. And guess what? It's not good. They're not doing quality at the Monrovia Sonic, in my opinion. Not anymore. I hope they see this. Cause I went, I drove all the way out there cause I was like, I'm craving Sonic today and I got nothing to do. It'd be like that.

It's like that. Sometimes you need that cherry limeade in your life. You do. And guess what? The cherry wasn't right. The limeade wasn't right. The corn dog made me sick. No. It was bad at the Monrovia Sonic. We came back from Vegas about a month ago, and I stopped at the one in Fontana. Yeah. And I was just like, I needed this. It hit. Yeah.

There's something about a restaurant like Waffle House. Right. For me, it's like you really understand the movie White Castle when they road trip against this one. It's like, yeah, I would do that with White Castle. No, and I hope we don't get a Waffle House out here. Yeah. The people in this godless city don't deserve one. I think that's right. Yeah. I think that's right. They would abuse. They would abuse it. It would not be right. And I don't think we got the people strong enough to work there. No. No.

The combat skills. Who you know out here gonna break up fights at three in the morning? Right. Between seven people. That's what I'm saying. All of whom don't know each other. Nah, it looks like fucking, what's the game? Super Smash Bros. Uh-huh. It's crazy. Choose your fighter. People are throwing fucking banana peels and shit. Dude. Slipping each other up. I've seen somebody get a cigarette to the eye in a while. That doesn't surprise me one bit. And I know when it hit his eye, he was like, this nigga not even supposed to be smoking in here. Like, how did that? Oh!

Do you know what my Waffle House secret is? What's that? Their grilled chicken sandwich. Yup. And that face is exactly why you're not on. You're not on to the grilled chicken sandwich because people, there's a culture of fear around trying the grilled chicken sandwich at Waffle House. Guess what? It's fucking amazing. What? The, Niles, the grilled chicken sandwich at Waffle House. I'm gonna go. People are, you think, oh, I want my chocolate chip waffles. I want my country ham. I want my hash brown smothered and whatever. All great.

Get a grilled chicken sandwich. Go with a friend. Okay. Cut that grilled chicken sandwich down the middle. Okay. Each of you take the first bite at the same time and see if your eyes don't light up. And it's fire. It's amazing. All right. I'm going to go this weekend. Have y'all had the grilled chicken sandwich from Waffle House? You know, Chance. It's good. Yeah. It's really good. All right. I'm going to go. Where are you going to go? Oh, you're going to go. I'm going to be in Mississippi. If everyone behaves. If everybody behaves. Yeah. I will go to that film festival. I will go. If everyone's on their best behavior. Yeah. I'm going to the wedding. All right.

Let me get not on a tangent about Waffle House chicken sandwiches. Spark something uncommon this holiday with just the right gift for an uncommon goods. If you haven't finished your holiday shopping yet, don't panic, you guys. For real. We've got a secret source for incredible original gifts, and that's

Uncommon Goods. They've got unique hand-picked gifts for everyone on your list, all in one spot. Gifts that spark joy, wonder, delight, and you guessed it, that it's exactly what I wanted feeling. Somehow they know exactly the perfect gift for every single person you know. So skip the gifts that scream last minute.

and find something truly original at UncommonGoods.com. Some of my favorite things from their site are their cloud slippers, available in a bunch of different fun colors, and their wide selection of candles, where I'm sure you'll find just the right scent for whoever you're shopping for. Whenever you shop at Uncommon Goods, you're supporting artists.

Ever heard of it? And small independent businesses. Hello. Many of their handcrafted products are made in small batches. So shop now before they sell out this holiday season. And as always, to get 15% off your next gift, go to uncommongoods.com slash so true. That's uncommongoods.com slash so true for 15% off. Don't miss out on this limited time offer. Uncommon Goods. We're all out.

all out of the ordinary. You write for Dave. Yeah. And then what's going on with you these days? What are you up to? Stand up always. Yeah, stand up always. I'm trying to figure it out, man. Because like,

I don't know. I'm trying to figure out like I got to sell some tickets, bro. This shit is trash if you don't sell tickets. Like I can sell like 100 tickets in like a one nighter in a city if I haven't been there in a while. But like, you know, I'm trying to figure out like what my thing is to get me to the point where I could do a theater because like I'm on my third hour now. I want people to actually like see it. Yeah. So, yeah, I'm trying to figure out.

what to do with that but then also uh i'm developing a lot of like my own stuff like the with the film we're trying to find some uh partners to try to make that into a feature and i have this

TV show I'm developing and what a nice-sized producer, so I'm excited about that. Have you written the script and stuff already? For the show? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's written. I'm hyped. We're trying to get this really good director that I like attached to it, so fingers crossed, but I have high hopes for it. I'm excited. Nice. Hell yeah. So there's the show. Can you say what it's about? Yeah, I mean, it's a show set in Mississippi. Nice.

Nice. And so, yeah, I'm, if it all works out, like, I talked to Cam Patterson about it. I want him to play my cousin. Yeah. I just think we'd be super funny together. He's so funny. He's ridiculous. We're both from the South and stupid. So, you know, so yeah, it'd be a show about me and my cousin in Mississippi. And so, yeah, it would be really, a really good time. And,

I think it'd be fun. I want to make like an It's Always Sunny type show. Yeah. That was like my show growing up. It's Always Sunny, Workaholics, Broad City. Like I want to make something in that vein. Yeah, like a hangout buddy comedy kind of thing. So yeah, so we're working on that. It's crazy how like when you find a producer that actually likes black people, things are kind of easy. Yeah.

Because I've been trying to make this show for like four years. And it's like no shade to other people I was working with. But I just don't think they knew any black person that wasn't a millionaire already. Like if you meet your first black person in Hollywood and they're more famous than you, you don't know black people. You don't.

You know what I'm saying? And so it's just like, I feel like they had good intentions and they liked the idea of the show, but they just didn't really get the vibe. Whereas like this producer is a black woman who's worked in Hollywood for a while and she's been on some dope TV shows, made a TV show of her own, that type of thing. So she got it like that, read the pilot and she didn't give me any notes. And I love that. Yeah. Past producers were white people. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, it's hard. I mean, anything that's outside of, I think so many white people are just scared to even like, just scared to even talk about black people. Yeah, they whisper. They're like, and what would happen in your community? You know, it's like a fear that's like, actually, that feels so racist. It is. It feels so weird. Why are you whispering Beyonce's name? She's not going to.

she's not gonna hear you but like when white people talk about it yeah i'm like dude calm down but that's that's how it was i felt like they were like either they were like walking on eggshells or they just straight up just didn't get it yeah um and so that was like the problem um but now it it's dope to have somebody to like seize it for what it is knows exactly what i'm trying to do and it's like all right let's make it happen now yeah so uh i'm really hype about it and and i think i'm in the place now that like

Like I pitched my first TV show five years ago and I had like a huge star as the EP of it. And so I'm thinking like, oh shit, I'm Lena Dunham. I'm about to go crazy.

go crazy. I'm 25. I'm about to sell a TV show. And we pitched to like seven different networks. They all loved it and they didn't. They always love it. Yeah, they always love it. And nobody bought it. And it really like, it tore me up, man. Like I didn't write anything for like a year. Like I couldn't, like it just, it didn't make any sense to me. I was like, but everybody loved it. What was the problem? And so, but I think now I have like this like maturity of like, if it doesn't work out, then oh well, like I'm

I got my other stuff I'm doing. Like, I do think it'll work out. But like, if it doesn't, like, I'm fine. You know, it also is unfortunately never fun to like actually sit with this when it's you or when it's us. But it's like, it is rarely personal. It is rare. It's like, I was just talking to a casting director about this yesterday where it's like, we were just having a general meeting and like, you know, it just is like, yeah, there's, there's 800 talented people who could do this. She was, you know, she was like,

it was really funny because she she does casting for like a huge network and she was like she was like yeah i mean i've had like really talented people get turned down because they reminded a producer of their ex like it just you just don't it's so true and like i it took me a long time i probably didn't really understand that till like a year and a half ago when i was producing and casting like my short and like i'm having to get all these moving parts so like i'll

I put up about a third of the money and then we crowdfunded for the rest. And like, there's all these people you got to make happy that you go through a casting company to cast these people and you wrote roles for certain people and that type of thing. And it's just kind of like, you can't make everyone happy. And there's some people that I, I would have liked to have in the film, but it just didn't work out. It's not, I don't think they're not good. It just, it didn't work out for that. And we were shooting it in Massachusetts. So maybe it would take a lot of money to get this person out there. So I need to cast out of New York for this instead of LA. So it was just like,

I was like, oh, okay, these people don't hate me. Sometimes it just doesn't work out. Well, and that's the thing is being on the other side of it, like you have and like I have a couple times, you're looking at a matrix of –

500 different things that need to happen. Yes. And this character, yeah, my friend might be great for it in one way. Right. But if we could get this thing to, if we could get this character to achieve three things that we need, like we need someone a little older, we need someone, whatever, then like, yeah, it's just, it really isn't personal. It's like, I'm looking at a matrix of 500 things that need to happen and you might just not slot in anywhere perfectly. It's not that you're not great. It's just like, I don't, it's not, we don't have something for you. It just, it just, you take so much rejection in this business that like,

it like after a while it's just like well god damn is anything gonna work yeah but I think you just eventually you just got everybody just builds up a callous to it

Like now, like there's some stuff like I'll get the audition. It's like, I'm not going to get that. I just don't do it. Yeah. I say no. I say no all the time. I don't audition for a lot of stuff because I'm a writer. It's not like I'm a writing snob. Yeah. And so like I'll read the scene and like this is garbage. Well, so much of what gets made is bad. Yeah. I'll read some of these scripts that I get sent and I same thing. I'll pass on. Yeah. I'll pass on things all the time without auditioning, even though I want to be acting because I'm like, well, this script is horrible. Yeah. If this got made, I wouldn't want to actually be in. And I think a lot of.

comics who are actors think like that I feel like actors don't really think like that a lot don't I mean because it's a privilege to think like that like I mean if your only job is acting and you need to pay the bills sure you'll go do insert name of show I almost said right

I think we almost said the same one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, I was thinking about that the other day. I think actors are really bad at picking scripts or it's just like they just got to do what they got to do. Dude, I feel bad for anybody right now who only does one thing. Yes. If you're only an actor right now or only a writer, I don't know how you're making a living.

Yeah. Like there's so few things going on. I'm like, the only thing that has helped me to get by the last several years and like actually do well is that I do seven things. Yeah. So I can be over here. I can be over here. No, that's true. I don't think that's fair. I don't think it should happen. I don't think people should have to do seven. No, you definitely should. You didn't used to have to do that. Staff writers on modern family used to own multiple houses, man, you know?

Like, that was one of the things I hated the most, being on Dave, was them talking about all the money they used to make. Back in the day. Because, like, if you're an EP-level writer, showrunner, you're making a lot of money. But they were telling me, like, the money they would make is, like, story editors and staff writers. Like, a lot of the writers on Dave, they worked on New Girl and It's Always Sunny. And they were like, oh, yeah, we were, like, story editors. We were, like, buying houses. Yeah.

I was like, okay, well, fuck you first off. Yeah. 22 episodes plus a script or two. And those extra scripts are what? 30, 40,000 back then I'm imagining. So you got your script fees on top of your weekly fees. You're in a union. So you got all your health. Like, yeah. It used to be very sweet. I got an email the other day saying I got qualified for motion picture healthcare. And I was like, this should not be something I should be excited about. Yeah. That's terrible. I qualified for health insurance in the field I work in.

Well, you see people all the time now on Twitter being like, hey, can someone just put me as like a two line speaking part in the pilot? I have a kid and we're about to lose our health insurance. Let me whisper something. Truly. Let me whisper Beyonce in the pilot. Right. I just need healthcare. Yeah, absolutely. Oh my God. No, it's nuts. But I'm very lucky to have a job right now. Like I do realize that. Anybody. Some people with the worst jobs in entertainment are telling me I'm grateful. I'm going, you're grateful. You're grateful. I've seen what you do. It's not good. Right.

It's really tough. People who are working really, really hard at jobs that they would have been trying to move on from by now are like, I'm just fucking great. There's some money coming. Because full stop, I was a staff writer on Dave. And so with that credit and with what my episode did, it was a Hollywood Reporter top 10 episode of TV that year. Just saying. Just saying. I shouldn't have had to be a staff writer again.

But it was just like, this was the job that was offered. There's like no other comedy writing jobs right now. So what was I supposed to say? Well, I'm not supposed to be a staff writer, so I'm not taking this. So I took the job. Right. So it is what it is, but I definitely would like to be a level up. It would be great. I love to level up. It's one of my favorite things. More money. We have a voicemail from our listeners. Oh, shit. If you don't mind. Do I need to put these on? Yeah. Or hold it up if you don't want to put them all the way on. It'll help you hear it. All right.

Okay. Casey, what do we have? Hey, I was just wondering which company you want to see go bankrupt. So spirit Halloween can move in and give their building some real purpose. Uh,

I feel like I betray my fellow Caucasian queers when I say I would like Trader Joe's to be a host for Spirit Halloween to reside in. I just feel like that's the right move. Thank you so much, and I love you, and I love your podcast, and I love everything that you do, similar to a cult follower. All right. Love ya. Mm-hmm.

The girls are long-winded. Yeah. The girls are long-winded. But the question ultimately is, what company do you want to see go bankrupt first? Ooh. Oh, I got mine. I got mine, too. You go ahead. Chase Bank, fuck you. Bitch-ass nigga. All them fucking...

All them fees. We broke. Uh-huh. How you charging me for not having money? What else? Dude. Tell them. And then, a lot of people don't know this. I'm about to air y'all out. JPMorgan, Chase, the reason how they got their money, they did slave insurance. Tell them that. They used to give slave masters insurance. Like, they sold insurance to slave masters on their slaves, and that's how they got the money to start their bank. Fuck Chase. What'd they do to you? I know they did something. Them fees, them fees, bro. You overdrafted. Oh, yeah. I'm sorry.

Every time. Yeah, and they're hitting you with a fee every time? $35 for being broke is crazy. It is crazy. Overdraft fees are psychotic. You're going to charge me because I don't have money? I can't pay you. I don't have money. I just feel like if you can't beat me in a fight, you can't do that. Yeah.

And I've seen the people that are tellers at Chase. Y'all can't fight. Well, they can't even work. Don't get me started. I went into Chase the other day. I'm sorry. I have had it. I've also had it with Chase. It's not my pick, but I go in there. There's seven people working. They direct me to a self-serve kiosk. Pardon? Pardon? The self-serve kiosk? Uh-uh. I'm like, this is crazy. I want to have a little conversation. And then we've had a lollipops no more. No, it's fucked up.

It's fucked up. Yeah, so fuck y'all. Fuck Chase. I'm with it. I do a lot of banking with y'all, though. Thank you for your service for holding my money for me. My pick...

Elon Musk's whole deal. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'd like to see him. I'd like to see him. Oh, man. I want to see him lose so bad. I would love to see Tesla go bankrupt. I mean, he's already lost because he's like an irredeemable fucking dork. Every time he jumps, he loses a little more. But like, I do want to see him broke. There's one person in the whole country that I want to see unhoused and it's Elon Musk. It would be beautiful. No, him homeless would be great. I'd like to see him as one of my unhoused neighbors for sure. Yeah.

And I'd like to make sure that he really feels it. Yeah, fuck that guy. His little jumps are so gay, too. Quit with the little jumps. Quit with the little jumps. Why is he jumping? Why is he jumping? I hate Elon Musk, bro. Can anyone tell me what's with the little jumps? Autism? I've met autistic people that don't jump. I've met some cool autistic people and they're not acting that. I like that. Yeah. Yeah.

Family and tradition are at the heart of the holidays. They're also at the heart of a delicious cup of Don Francisco's coffee. With 150 years of family roasting expertise passed down from generation to generation, you can say that coffee is in our DNA.

And Don Francisco's Coffee knows that no two coffee drinkers are alike. So whether you're an espresso drinker, a cold brew lover, or enjoy the classic comfort of a perfectly brewed cup of coffee, Don Francisco's has something for you. We offer a unique range of

expertly roasted coffees and blends, along with a wide variety of indulgent flavors. Using only the finest 100% Arabica beans from the world's best coffee growing regions. Available in coffee pods, espresso capsules, cans and bags, ground and whole bean. Every cup is a delicious coffee experience that's sure to elevate everyone's

Your business deploys AI pilots everywhere. But are they going anywhere? Or are they stuck in silos, exhausting resources, unable to scale? Maybe you don't need hundreds of AI pilots. You need a holistic strategy.

IBM has 65,000 consultants with Gen AI expertise who can help you design, integrate, and optimize AI solutions. So you're not just deploying AI, you're scaling it across your business. Learn more at ibm.com slash consulting. IBM, let's create. A company to go bankrupt. Chase is a good one. Elon Musk's whole deal is a good one. I wonder if I have any other companies I hate.

Probably most of them. I guess like BP Oil. Yeah. Abercrombie & Fitch. Just because of what they did to me in middle school. What'd they do? Well, everyone was wearing it and they didn't have my size. Oh, okay. So I have beef with Abercrombie & Fitch and Hollister.

I never wore those. You didn't? No. See, I didn't either. Well, okay. So it was a double whammy because not only was I too fat to wear them, but were we to find the money, we didn't have the money. It was like we were too poor and I was too fat. That's funny. Yeah, I was wearing like South Pole and FUBU. Were those the cool brands at your school? There's black people was wearing it.

Yeah. Yeah. But the cool brands at your school, like, was it... Did you go to a mostly black school? No, no. I went to a private school. Really? In Mississippi, yeah. I didn't even know that they had private schools in Mississippi. So, there's my chance to explain this. Yeah. So, when I say private school, people think I, like...

went to the school Will and Carlton went to, right? Right. No. So private schools in Mississippi are very different. We have two very good private schools in Mississippi, Jackson Prep and Jackson Academy. Yeah. Every other private school in Mississippi is what you would call a segregation school. Right. Where if you look at when they were established, they were all established from the year like 1959 to 1966. And eventually, basically they were created so white families didn't have to put their kids in schools with black kids.

100%. So they're private schools because they're private, but they cost like $200 to go to. Right. So you have private schools in Mississippi where they're like meat in a barn, but it's a private school. Yeah. And so the private school education isn't better. It's not like we were getting better food or had all this. I didn't have a Spanish teacher in ninth grade, Caleb. Yeah. You don't know what he did in ninth grade for Spanish? We sat in a computer lab and my football coach sat in a desk behind us and we did Rosetta Stone. Ha ha ha ha!

I was in there clicking on shapes like I was at Ellis Island, bro. They always have the football coach doing this shit. Yeah, because he don't care. He's like, yeah, this isn't bad. Yeah. But I did not have a Spanish teacher in high school, and I went to a private school. Yeah. So did you go to one of the two good ones? No. No, you went to one of the other ones. I wanted to. So both schools. So I was a track athlete and a football player. And so both schools wanted me to come run track and play football there. Yeah. And my parents were just like, nah.

Obsessed with your parents being like no. Oh, yeah. No, he's chillin where he's at actually. Thank you. What position play football? I was a DB. Whoa, okay

I didn't know that there were private schools in Mississippi because there were none where I grew up. Yeah. Like, we did not have... That's the thing. I don't understand about, like, charters and stuff where I'm like, yeah, we just all go to school wherever we live. Exactly. Where I'm from. Right. So I don't understand a lot of it. Most, like, rural places, that's how it is. But Mississippi's a different breed. Yeah, Mississippi is a different breed. Yeah. You love Mississippi, though. Um...

I love how funny it made me. Yeah. Because as a state, it just doesn't make sense. Like, we abolished slavery in 2012. Yeah. Like, just things about Mississippi are just like the craziest shit. Better late than never. Right. But would have preferred to see it happen sooner. Yeah, would have been nice, you know? But 2012, hey, that was 12 years ago. What happened in 2012 that they were like, you know what? Obama killed Osama bin Laden. Oh, really? And I think people in Mississippi were like, yeah, we should free him. People were like, you know what? Fuck it. Fuck it. If he's doing all that kind of stuff. Let's get a little crazy. Yeah.

That's so funny. So Mississippi, and then you grew up in Mississippi, you moved to New York. I moved here when I was 20. You moved here first. Yeah. And then you moved to New York. What was that move from LA to New York like? Were you just fed up? I was just fed up. Yeah. Because I was like, I had all these like movies written and these pilots written and it just like nothing was happening. I probably in 2020 and 2020, because I got read by CAA in 2021. So like 2020, 2021, I probably had like

over 30 staffing interviews with all these TV shows. Any show that calls itself a comedy, I have interviewed for that show to write for. And I was just kind of like, well, none of these shows want to hire me. That was like every show. Then what's the point of doing this shit? And so I just moved. I just was like, I'm moving to New York and I'm just going to do stand-up full-time. And then I got a call. And then immediately got the thing. That's how it works. As soon as you give it up. Yeah. That's why I think I'll sell the show because I low-key don't want it. Because I kind of like the freedom of just doing stuff.

Well, the nice thing about stand-up is it's like the one thing they can't take from us. Exactly. It's like I can stand up in a room with a microphone and make people laugh. You guys cannot. No industry calibration or pivot or whatever the fuck they're calling it every time they blow up the industry for some rich guy. Mm-hmm.

You can't, there's nothing you can do about what I do. Nothing. It's dope. It's like, especially once you get like a little audience, man, if you're good at this shit, you can really do this forever. Yeah. So yeah, it's just like, I am blessed to be a standup comic. So I do know that like, once you do a TV show, it takes so much away from that.

Well, it's a full-time job. Yeah. Yeah. Freedom. I do think freedom is the biggest thing I think about all the time. And like in terms of what I want in my life long term, the only thing I'm certain of is I would like to be left alone anytime that I ask. Oh, my God. You understand me. Yeah. I'm like, just don't. If I don't want to be taught, if I don't want to work for a couple months, if I don't want to be talked to, that's the only thing that's important to me is that I get to go. No, I'm not doing that. A lot of people don't get that.

Which is crazy to me because... I'm just like, doesn't everybody want that? Yeah, yeah. Isn't that the number one thing? No. Yeah. I don't get it. I love being left alone. I do. I want to be... This male loneliness epidemic thing. Have you seen this? Have you seen this on the internet? Yeah. Well, I don't think it's real. I just think y'all don't get no hoes, but... Yeah. Sick. Sick.

Secondly, male loneliness, I love, leave me alone. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a PlayStation, a nice condo. Yeah. I got Postmates. I don't want to see none of y'all. Yeah. It's great. I think you are maybe what they're talking about, though. Really? You're sitting in the house playing video games, but is anyone coming over or anything? No. No? How you doing, brother? I'm doing great. Okay.

Like, I have friends, and when I want to see them, I go see them. I love just, like, being by myself for, like, three days straight, and then somebody calls me, like, yo, where you been at? I'm like, at home. At home. Where I pay rent. Exactly. Next question. This shit expensive. Let me spend time with this thing I spend so much money on. Yeah. My room. What do you think? Okay, so, but I agree with you. Melon is epidemic. I have no...

these guys who complain about the male loneliness epidemic, I'm like, well, it's their fault. Yeah, it's your fault. And also, oh God, how pathetic could you be? Exactly. Going online and being like, I'm affected by an epidemic. It's like, oh,

I'm by myself. It's like, oh, God. Those would be like the most homophobic dudes. That's the thing is I'm like, you're lonely because you suck. Yeah. You listen to a bunch of Andrew Tate. You read the women. Because I told somebody the other day, it's like, how do you expect...

to do all these things women don't like and be like, why are women around me? What's going on? And then the complaint about it online is the funniest shit. I saw a straight guy tweet the other day. I was on Twitter for my weekly punishment. And I saw a straight guy tweet the other day like, fellas, the best advice I can give you in dating so you don't end up with a woke, scold woman is on the first date, just drop the R word a couple times and see how she responds.

Men are acting like this. And I guarantee you he was like 36. Yeah. And he's a victim of the male loneliness epidemic as well. It's like, what are you talking about? Drop the R word a little bit. Now, of course, that's kind of funny. It's hilarious. But to suggest that as a dating tip. Yeah. And then be like, why am I lonely? It's kind of funny to be like, yeah, on first dates, I do the R word litmus test.

Yes, of course, that's kind of funny in theory. But these are the same guys that will be like, the universe has conspired against me to make sure that I'm lonely. Or you're a fucking loser. Yeah, man. And sometimes you also got to have standards. I remember I was over a couple years ago. I was at this girl's crib. We were in her room. And some baby Keem was playing. And she was like, what is this? This is terrible. And I left. What?

She had her clothes off and everything. Yeah. You're not disrespecting Kendrick Lamar's nephew like that. Yeah. So I left. Ha ha ha!

You've got to have morals and principles you stand on. Yeah, and that's your big one. Yeah. You don't disrespect baby Keem around me. Yeah, and I never would. Thank you. You know that about me. Thank you. There is something going on in the culture. Like, losers used to be embarrassed. Well, there's no shame anymore. Yeah, nobody's scared to be a loser anymore. Shame can get you paid. Yeah. You couldn't go viral for being a loser 20 years ago. Yeah. You were like on that one episode of American Idol where they show all the bad people. Yeah. And then that was it. Do you see the girl who...

This is probably pretty dated by the time this episode comes out, but I'll say it anyway. Did you see the girl whose boyfriend asked her to move back to Texas with him? Mm-mm. You guys see that? Where do they live currently? Well, there was this girl. She made this whole TikTok video that was like,

her like sobbing into the camera and being which i i have quite feelings about that i hate when people cry on i do too and you know what i recorded i recorded a video the other day i was trying to make a video for this abortion rights thing in missouri okay and i got i got worked up enough that i started crying tears coming out of my eyes and you know what i said this is really powerful people would really like this i'm not fucking posting it i'm not posting it you

You know, so there are like three videos of me and my phone crying about abortion rights. And I said, no post. No. No post. We don't need that. The static images will have to do. That's almost as bad as, what's her name? Go-Go-Dot singing. Yes. Yes. It's manipulative, too. I'm like, I don't want you to care about this because I got worked up and mad at Republicans and started, tears came out. You should already care about this. I'm just reminding you to go take action. Go vote. Yeah. But she was posting, she was like, oh, my boyfriend, we lived in LA and he went to

said he wanted to yeah let's play it i guess we have it do we need headphones oh definitely so i see thumbnails all the time and whenever i see i just i'm like yeah i'm not i'm not looking at so you live in la with your boyfriend everything's going amazing they're doing pottery that's how you know okay he says babe i want to move back to texas to be closer to my dad now mind you he says i want to move back to be closer to my dad so she gives up her career yeah

Including her improv troupe. She probably wasn't good. Look, giving up your improv troupe is not a sacrifice you're making for him. No. That's called growing up. Right. To have someone who did improv well into his 20s. The future you want. She wants to be old with him. So yeah, basically we don't have to watch the whole thing. But basically what happens is... Oh no, we're watching the whole thing. I need to see all of this. So she's so happy that they're doing Texas. He goes on family vacation without her. Wait, but... Yes.

that we have something in common we're incompatible he says we have nothing in common we're incompatible he says to her in a note she says oh no now she's crying again on camera this is the beginning of a Kristen Wiig movie I just can't remember which one yeah now mind you he does belong in prison yeah this is terrible I'm not team him why would you put this woman through that and then she shows the pottery picture again to be like what do you mean we have nothing in common and she's crying on camera again every time she cried for like two months she got that camera out

This is so mean. You know how hard it is to get an apartment in LA? Yeah. So she wants to come back here. She has to. Now she's in Florida living with her mom. She's crying with her mom. So yeah, this is the, this, what do you think of this? What do you think of that? I mean, look, the

The patriarchy won. Yeah. He's a bad guy. He's a terrible person. Yeah. He should go to jail for that for like a little bit. We should have a type of jail. I've been saying this. We should have a type of jail that's cool, but it's like you lose a couple creature comforts. It's like time out. It's literally time out. And we should have a committee of your peers that say, yeah, man, you can't be in the streets for like a month. No, because I feel like a lot of dudes, a lot of times you need somebody you actually care about their opinion to tell you you fucking up.

Yeah. And like he needs some people to be like, bro. Come on. Come on. Also, where's the dad in all this? He goes on vacation with the dad and we move back to be close to him. His dad was like, hand her a note. That's the other thing. Like you couldn't have a real conversation with her? Well, that's the thing. Losers are winning right now. Cowardice is big right now. That was very cowardice. It's cowardly. You blew up her entire life.

And now she in Florida with her mom. Yeah, now he need to go to real prison. Okay. Forget our little jail. Yeah, dude. Anything could happen to her out there in Florida. I think I would say to her. A lot of meth.

Don't do meth in Florida. That'd be my number one thing. Number two, less crying videos in the video. Yeah, you gotta stop that, baby girl. Yeah, it's not for you. It's not projecting what we want it to project. And for him, I would say, yeah, for sure, a little bit of prison. A little bit of prison. Just a little bit of prison. Like six months. Yeah. I thought the other day while I was watching The Purge. Okay.

This is about to get deep. Yeah. I was watching The Purge and I was like, it would be... Like, you know how if the government passes something you don't like and you get like 400,000 signatures, we can send it to a vote, like a ballot item about different policies. If there's someone who really wronged you, like someone who really... Like you think like Bernie Madoff, for example. There should be like, if I can gain enough signatures, I get to kill that guy. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Like, if I can get enough people to agree that I should kill that guy, I should get a chance to kill that guy. Oh, shit. Only if they do something egregious. Like Bernie Madoff, like, stealing money from seniors. Yeah, that's crazy. You know, something like that that's like, come on. Damn.

But not the death penalty. The government shouldn't get to do it. The government shouldn't get to do it. I know, Chins is shaking his head like I'm talking about the death penalty. Not the death penalty. That could get real shaky. Yeah. Because the way white women came for John Mulaney online last year, they would have got his ass. They would have got the signatures. Fuck. They would have got enough signatures. Yeah. And then it would just get to a point where white ladies could just kill whoever they want. They're going to kill me. Because white ladies... Fuck. Fuck.

That was really good. White women are gathering the signatures. That one wasn't as good. I lost the juice on the second one. That was good. I would hate if he got killed. I know. He makes me happy. Yeah, he's a good stand-up. Yeah.

yeah he gives a fuck about writing a joke that dude he i was talking about the other day of the famous comedians that sell arena i saw him doing arena on long island uh during the new york festival a couple years ago and it was the set he did on his most recent netflix special and i was just blown away because it's just like most comedians they get to that level they just they phoned it in by then yeah so it's like to see him like really doing punch lines and setups and jokes and really being vulnerable which i think a lot of

famous comedians don't do anymore. Yeah. Like he really was like on this last one, he was really kind of on some Richard Pryor shit. Like when Richard Pryor was talking about getting burned up when he was doing crack and everything, like John Mulaney really talking about rehab and how he failed and like ordering the Outback like that. She was, she was great. Yeah. Also real as fuck ordering Outback. Come on. That's how I would be. If I was in a facility, I would, I'd be like, I should at least get some Outback. Do you know the closest I came to something like this when I shot Jurassic, when we filmed Jurassic World,

In 2020 in COVID London. Okay. Okay. We're outside of London. We're on a fucking farm ground. Like it's all of us. Everyone has to stay in the same. Cause you're all in a bubble. We're in the bubble. And that's what they made that movie. They made that movie about Jurassic. So we're all there. I'm talking like Jeff Goldblum's kids are in the room next to me up early being loud. And that's all I'm saying. No shade to Jeff, but your kids are up early being loud. You felt that. Yeah. Your kids are up early being loud. That's all.

We're all on the same property. And for two weeks, that was the quarantine period at the time. I get to London for two weeks. They put me in that room. The only people I see in a day are, we can only order, they come and COVID test you every day. You can only order food from the hotel. So the little five, and by the way, this is not a hotel with like a big menu. That's what I was about to say. They got chicken tenders. Not even. This was a fancy place. So it was like chicken piccata.

Whitefish. It was like a small menu. So probably when you find the one thing you like, you probably just keep eating that. I did. Yeah, it was like a fish and steamed vegetables thing that turned out to be the best for me. Had to order it every day. Oh.

And I was, so I was during the day just quarantining, not allowed to go on a walk. I think eventually after a week you got to go on a walk by yourself at a certain place. And then you could only walk in a certain area on the property. It was like the COVID walking area. And then at night I was in the writer's room for human resources. So I was working five to midnight in the writer's room on zoom. I was losing. I've never come so close to like just doing something insane. Like just like shaving my head or something. I was losing my mind. Yeah.

And I swear to God, I was sitting in that room sometimes just staring at the wall. I could almost see Chili's. I could almost see a Buffalo Wild Wings server bringing a plate of wings to me. And you were in London, so it's like... There's nothing to do. No. And you weren't allowed to door dash. Because no one could come onto the property. Yeah.

I also got in trouble because I didn't understand. This is like my first big thing. Yeah. And I didn't understand. We all get in trouble on our first. Yeah. I got in trouble on my first. When I pulled up from the, you know, they had me in like a, they picked me up in like a suburban from the airport and they drove me outside London to this. Like the estate was beautiful. Uh huh. And cause they, which, you know, they had to put Laura Dern there. So it had to be nice. Right. They weren't doing that for me. You know, little lies, Laura. Yes. And so we pulled up and there's this, you're

You pull into this, like, down this long, it used to be a royal hunting ground. Okay. So you pull down this long, beautiful driveway with, like, a big circle drive in front of the two main properties and, like, these huge fountains. It's made by colonialism. And the fountains are so beautiful in the sunshine. And I took a little video and posted it to my Instagram story. Oh, yay. Immediate email that was like, hi. So people can tell, like, it was like, don't blow up Jeff Goldblum's spot. His kids are being allowed in the next room.

People can't know where y'all are staying. You almost doxxed Jeff Goldblum. I almost got Jeff Goldblum's kids in trouble, yeah. Wow. So that was what happened. Yeah. But I understand the Outback thing is real. I was there for 10 minutes, and I was like, get me something. Get me something. Cabin fever. Yeah. And then they would do grocery store runs, and you could ask for I call snacks if you wanted them. You could be like, oh, bring me some of this, that, or the other. But it's British snacks, so it's bullshit. Ugh, hell no. That's the one people I'm xenophobic against.

Oh, I've got a lot. And I think that's okay. I've got a whole list of people I'm xenophobic towards. I go, oh, fuck, I've been meaning to say, okay, yeah, who am I xenophobic towards? I've been meaning to bring this one up. You know, I have a problem. I do have a problem with, like, New Zealand and Australian people. Yeah. Like... The hands worse, don't do it for you? Some of... No, let's not get crazy. LAUGHTER

Some of them. No, actually, I think it's just New Zealand people, if I'm being serious. I don't think I've ever met one. I like Australian people. You know what? The other night, I went to dinner in LA, and guess who I saw? Who? Melanie Linsky. How do I know that name? Niles. You don't know who Melanie Linsky is? I don't be knowing white people. I'm sorry. No, it's okay. I met too many early on in my life. She's one of the whites you should know. Okay. I would put her on Hollywood Reporter's Whites You Should Know list. Really? Yeah, Melanie Linsky. Oh, Melanie Linsky. Look how beautiful she is. Oh, I know her.

Melanie Linsky, everybody. I didn't know her name. Oh, my God. She's so beautiful and talented. I didn't say hi to her because I'm going to cry. I didn't say hi to her because she followed me on Twitter. We follow each other on Twitter, but I'm not really on there anymore like that. But she followed me for a long time. She's the most talented actress that we maybe have living. Yeah, she's good. Yeah, she's on Yellow Jackets. She's incredible in everything she does. And I wanted to say hi to her, but I didn't want to bother her. She was with her husband, who's very handsome. Mm-hmm.

And they were having a dinner maybe with some friends or something. I wanted to say hi, but I didn't want to bother them. Yeah. But Melanie Linsky, wow. I would kill to work with you, queen. So is she like Australian or something? Well, she's New Zealand. That's what I'm saying. She redeems that whole region. And Margot Robbie's cool. Yeah. Well, keep her. Yeah, we'll keep her. She's Whites You Should Know. Yeah. You and I should collab on an industry list called Whites You Should Know. I think we should do that. Yeah. Yeah, because, you know, white people are doing so bad right now. That's what I'm saying. Can we help white people out?

What if that was my big thing? I was like, Niles, we got to do something for white people. That was my big cause du jour. Niles, help me do something for white people. Oh, my God. Well, we could do one for every group. Yeah. Gays you should know. Yeah. Yeah. Let's do it. Lil Nas X. Lil Nas X, definitely a gay you should know. He got to be in there. I'd love to know something about him. He...

I'll tell you a couple things I'd like to know. Who's your celebrity crush? I got a few. Right. Okay. Watch a clipboard. Gabrielle Union's number one. God. You know I met her. Fuck you. You know I met Gabrielle Union. Really? Yes. She liked one of my tweets and I'm almost like, I can't say that on here. Now, her and Dwayne Wade?

Beautiful couple. God damn. Beautiful couple. That's a couple. I'm happy for him. When God did couples, this is what he was imagining. He was like my favorite basketball player growing up. And then when they got married, he had to bump them down to like six. Yeah. Because that pissed me off. They are so beautiful. Yeah, they're beautiful. And so progressive. Yeah. And so cool. Yeah. Their family's so lovely. I had a meeting with Gabrielle Union and we talked for like

Me, her, and her exec. I think we talked for like an hour and a half. I bet she's amazing. She's so cool. She's so... I've loved her forever. I mean, I'm such a huge fan of hers. And she's just like the nicest, warmest, most lovely, brilliant, thoughtful. I just was like, oh my God. Gabrielle Union's everything I hoped she would be. That's beautiful. Yeah. Did she smell good? Well, it was on the computer. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

It was on the computer. Yes, okay, sue me. All right, this is badass. I wish Dwayne Wade was there. See, we think differently. He's so beautiful. I would not. Yeah, you don't want him there. I don't want him there. You know what? We should try to get in a party with them and separate them. Yeah. I'm talking to Dwayne in the corner. I'm like, hey, how's it going, brother? Hey, what's up, man? Yeah. I bet they're fun. I bet they're fun at a party. I bet they are. Damn. This ain't cool.

Gabrielle Union. That's a good one. She's my number one since I was a kid. And I'd have to say Eva Longoria. Yep. Cause I used to stay, I used to stay with my aunt during the summers. So I would just always watch these like very auntie programming. Yes. So it was, I would watch the view and desperate housewives as a little boy. My dad was starting to be like, Hey, all right now get these kids away from these old people. So I would, so we would just watch desperate housewives like all the time. And so I just fell in love with Gabrielle Union.

what uh gabrielle salace her character she would play yeah i was like nine i was like i love this woman you're that you're that meme of that kid being like i'm turning seven in august god willing right to get these kids away from these old people i was just i was one of those kids with old people all the time so i just watched a lot of old shit yeah i love that so that those they were probably my top two were you an adult kid were you like you loved it yeah me too i was an eight-year-old preacher yes oh my god i wish i knew him so i would i would preach at church

So I've like been working my entire life. I'm so tired. Yeah. Yeah. You've been here. I've been here. You think you've been here before? You believe in that stuff? Absolutely. Yeah. I just know too much. Yeah. Yeah. I see that in you. Yeah. I recognize that in you. I don't like it though. Yeah. Because I'd be having to do the right thing. Yeah. I don't like it for you either. Or when I do the wrong thing, I think about it a lot. Yeah. That's why I don't get like psychopaths at all. Like that don't bother you? Yeah. Morals are very cumbersome. Yeah. Yeah. I've been thinking about letting mine go.

Sometimes, look, man, you've been in L.A. for a long time. You should be like...

I should push you off a balcony. Yeah. I've been thinking about getting rid of my values just to see what I could do. Free up some space, you know? Yeah. I mean, I'll probably see something like, Caleb is worth $300 million. He did it. Yeah, he finally did. He finally did it. And I'm going to ask you for a job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want to come work for the evil empire? If it's you, I'll do it. I want an evil empire. Chance, will you make a note of that? It looks so fun. Caleb making evil empire. Like, owning Amazon looks so fun. I would do... Dude...

This is the thing about our rich people right now. They're not being cool. Rich people used to be so dope. Were I rich? When I was a kid, no one was saying eat the rich. Yeah. You wanted to hang out with the rich. You wouldn't hang out with them because they were... You know what? I will say, there are a lot of times that people come for Kim Kardashian and they're like, we got to eat the rich. Someone just said this because she did a...

I think she's awesome. She did a private screening of Wicked at her house with Cynthia Erivo and Ariana Grande. And she spent like $200,000 on flowers to line the walkway and did a big... I was like, this is cool. This is what rich people should be doing. Do the silliest, most expensive shit. But then you should be like giving... I just Venmo people every day. Yeah. She's not going to do that.

to do that though I would literally if I was a billionaire I would walk up to a stranger on the street and I would say what's your Venmo I would throw him a cool thousand bucks a thousand? it's nothing it's nothing nothing I would throw him a cool thousand bucks I would just find someone's being nice to me someone's smiling at me in traffic I'd be like they roll their window down I'd go what's your Venmo or I'd have cash on me throw it out the window like a Dave Chappelle sketch yeah literally it would be awesome I don't and my other thing is like

I think rich people have gotten soft, too. Why do you care what we think? Right. You want to be normal? You're on the internet crying. Like, why are y'all making fun of me? You have a billion dollars. Yeah. I should have something. Have them killed. Literally. If someone makes fun of you, have them killed. You could literally do that. Yeah. Off with his head. You literally... Unhand me. Yeah.

The rich people are real soft and they don't buy art anymore. We need some mentors for these rich people. That's the thing is they used to do like funds for the arts and stuff too. They used to find some little freak. They'd go to like Brooklyn and they'd find some freak weirdo artist who was never going to be embraced by the mainstream. That was Basquiat. Yes, and they would fund these freaks. Bro was doing heroin right in front of him. I need a freak funder. Buy his painting. Yes, get his painting now. I need a freak funder bad.

Literally. Because I could be freakier. I know I could. But I got to keep it kind of normal. Yeah. For my evil empire. Exactly. We need, bringing back patrons of the arts would be huge. We need a freak fund. Yeah, we need a freak. I think Diddy did that. Yeah. He definitely had a freak fund. He did a freak fund, yeah. Not that kind of freak fund. Yeah, different freak fund. Diddy, not that. Okay, I got a segment for you now. Mm-hmm.

This is a game. This is a true-false segment. Okay. Okay? Now, I'm going to read you 15 statements. Okay. You're going to tell me as quickly as you can if you think it's true or false. Speed is of the essence. Okay. If you get 10 or more correct, Niles, I'm going to give you 50 US dollars. Okay. For your freak fund. Spiders are insects. False. False. They're arachnids. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

True. True. Sloths can move three times faster in water than they can on land. False. True. Catfish is the official state food of Mississippi. True. False. It's the butter cookie. What? Whoa, you're a fake Mississippian. Okay. What? The creator of peanut M&Ms was allergic to peanuts. True. True. Oral Roberts University was established in 1863. False. False. It's 1963. A group of pugs is called a puggle. False. False. It's a grumble. Only 2% of the population has green eyes.

True. True. A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter. False. True. Wendy's chocolate frosty flavor is actually half chocolate and half vanilla. True. True. Carl Weathers was an NFL linebacker before becoming an actor. True. True. Horizontal refreshment was a 19th century slang term for sex. True? It's true. I need some horizontal refreshment.

The PlayStation 2 came out after the Nintendo GameCube. False. False, before. The California has more NBA teams than any other state. True. True. The first pair of Nike running shoes was made in a waffle iron. True. True. Twelve!

Nice! I was going to be so mad if I didn't get that shit. Yeah. Because I saw Sabrina got it, and I was like, if I don't get this shit, I'm going to be mad. Sabrina Breyer? Yeah. Yeah, she did. I was like, I need that 50. You did 12 is good. 12 is high. I was mad when I missed it. Was that really true on the Mississippi one? Yeah. Butter cookie? Butter cookie. What is a butter cookie? Yeah, well.

You need to tap into Mississippi State history. Mississippi is the catfish capital of the world. Mississippi catfish. That was a chance to try to trip you up on that one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're not getting in on the freak fund. Right. Now, as you know, you know what this show's about. So true with Caleb Heron, the podcast. What's so true to you? What's so true to me? Yeah. Okay. Look, I'm going to offend some film school people with this one. But I'm tired of seeing these posts.

When somebody's like, I just made my first film or I just made my first project. And I just have to say it was so hard. There's no bad movies. Bullshit, man.

Who said that? All these film people, dude. I'm like, that is bullshit. Just because it was hard for you to make a short film don't mean there's no bad movies. I forget the famous director, but he goes to see every movie because he said there's something good about every movie and there's no bad movies because they're so hard to make. That's crazy, bro. That is crazy. No, there's bad movies and we need to tell people they're bad so they'll leave. Yeah.

And look, I may be cut from a different cloth, whatever. But being in this industry, writing TV, making my own projects has made me realize, actually, this shit is not as hard as it looks. And a lot of people are bad at this shit. Like, I watch a TV show and be like, so this got through six different people that get paid all this fucking money. Yeah. Went through an edit. Yeah.

Yeah. And y'all still put this on TV. Right. Whereas I made a short film with two or three of my friends and I watched some shit. I was like, are y'all fucking shitting me right now? Yeah. Cut this out. Yeah. Like, come on now. Yeah. And so, yeah, I just, I think making stuff is not as hard as people try to make it out to be. And I think y'all just aren't good at this. Uh-huh. Go home. Interesting. I like the take. Yeah. I like the take. I do think, I do think it brushes...

Yeah, I agree. I do think there are objectively bad things. I do think if you're, there's a rubric that I like, that's kind of like, did you achieve what you were trying to achieve more than like, you know, I don't necessarily care about like, did you color grade it the way that it would be industry standard and color grading or whatever. That is less interesting to me. But did you achieve what you were trying to achieve? That's the rubric I'm after. If you set out to make an Americana album that was, you know, uh,

heavy on this instrument light on this instrument that evokes these emotions you set out to do that did you do it did I feel what you wanted me to feel that to me is successful and if you didn't then you didn't do a good job yeah

I think that's how I feel about it. There's a lot of bad movies every year. Yeah. And it needs to be said. Yeah. I don't know what's going on. And even more bad. I think most TV is bad. Yeah. I think about like 75% of TV is bad. I don't watch much TV. I don't anymore. Yeah. I'm like going back and watching all the old stuff I missed. So I'm like, I just got into The Sopranos.

Where you at? Do you know where you're at in it? Like on the sixth episode of the first season? Yeah. Or whatever, he takes the daughter to like visit school or whatever and he kills the dude. That was amazing. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, spoiler alert if you haven't watched it. I'm really jealous of you. What, for watching it for the first time? Is that your thing? Yeah. Oh, I love Sopranos. Oh, nice. I've watched it probably four times through all the way. Hell yeah. It's so good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm getting into the old stuff. I want to watch The Wire. Yeah. I just feel like a lot of TV is just like... And even some stuff, people are like, it's so good. And I'm like, well, I think just...

The thing it's trying to be was really good, and it's evoking those emotions out of you. Yeah. And I think you just like nostalgia. I don't think this is actually good. Yeah. I'm not going to say actual names and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you're smarter than that. Yeah, of course. Yeah, I think Sopranos is just one of the greatest TV shows we've ever made. Ever. Yeah, and of course, I'm not holding everything to a Sopranos standard because that's not fair. Right. But do better.

James Gandolfini also has a leading man. Fuck yeah to that casting director. That fucking rocks. She did it. He was sick. She did it. He was so good in that. God.

He's, yeah, chance to bring a Satrials port store to Sopranos. Oh, is that in the show? Yeah. Okay. James Gandolfini is one of the actors, along with Philip Seymour Hoffman, that I'm like- I love Philip Seymour Hoffman. Fuck, what would we be getting from them right now? You know what I mean? Some good shit. Philip Seymour Hoffman would be turning in, oh, I can't imagine what the fuck he would be doing. Hell yeah. He was so good. Who's your favorite? Favorite actor ever? Yeah. It's probably either-

Samuel L. Jackson or Denzel. Yeah. I mean, Denzel, Jesus. Yeah. I'm ready for that gladiator too. Did you see the headline? Yeah. He's like, I'm putting on this dress and these rings and I'm going crazy. Going crazy. Yeah. Somebody said I was a young thug when he was making his last album. Yeah. God, I fucking love Denzel. Actually, my favorite Denzel performance of all time was

because it's all the greats, right? Yeah. But my favorite Denzel performance of all time, it's that fucking clip of him and Jamie Foxx where he's like, I'm leaving here with something. I'm leaving with something. No, I love that. I say that shit all the time. I'm leaving here with something. And he's talking about the Oscars. Yeah. He's not talking about like some party. He's talking about the Oscars. And the way he delivers it. I'm leaving here with something. I'm leaving here with something. This shit is so funny.

And he's like, I knew I wasn't going to win. And Jamie's so fun. That clip to me, I literally, when I'm having a bad day, sometimes I watch that clip. That's good. I fucking love that clip. No, that interview was so cool. Cause like, you just find out like, he's like a big fan of Cardi B randomly and like all this stuff. Like, okay. Didn't say I was a regular person. All right. He's also in that like old guy, uh, killed it his whole career. Uh,

Like, he's in that level of comfort where he just will show up to an interview wearing sweats now. Yeah. Like, he just pops up wearing whatever he's comfortable in. No shade, huh? Yeah, no... Well...

A podcast is hardly an interview with Jamie Foxx. Right, right, right. But no, he'll show up to anything just being like, this is what I'm doing now. Yeah. I love that guy. I want to see him do a comedy, man. What's your favorite Denzel movie? Favorite Denzel movie ever is Training Day. Yeah. Training Day's great. I think that, like, I just think it's, as a movie, it's just well written and so well put together. And Ethan Hawke is great too. Yeah. But just that monologue, the character, it was just, that was crazy. I see your Training Day. I'm raising you, John Q.

Ooh, I love John Q. John Q is my favorite Denzel performance. I love John Q. He's amazing in John Q. That's a good one. He's amazing in John Q. He said he's not going to bury his son. Yeah. Oh, God. Yeah, I love that movie. I'm going to watch that movie today. I need to rewatch that. It's been a while. Yeah. No, I love Denzel. But I really want to see him do a comedy because he's old now. He's done everything. Yeah. And I just feel like any other...

Every serious role he does from now on is just kind of like, okay, you're Denzel. Of course, this is good. But I feel like if he did a comedy and killed that shit, it would just be like, all right, you're the best. I would love to see him have a bit of a Nick Cage arc. Yeah, just do some funny, goofy shit. Do you see Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent or Renfield? I like both of those. Yeah, I love that shit. And it's something that only...

A long time acclaimed. We already know you're great at this in a real way. You got to be in it for a minute to do something like that. Denzel can do that. Exactly. Yeah. I would love to see him do some like really funny, funny thing. He's one of the few people that can do that. Yeah. I'd like to, I'd like to see, I've been thinking a lot about Batista.

He's good. He's good. I like it. And I want to see him in a fucking indie drama, dude. Yes. I want to see him in a heartbreaking, gut-wrenching... I want to cry at a Batista movie soon. Hell yeah. I want that for him. Because I think he wants it maybe as well. I think so too. It looks like he really wants to be an actor. Yeah. You know? I want it for him. I like Batista. Yeah. I liked it. He lost a bunch of weight and he was like, well, I want to act. When I saw that, I was like, fuck. Fuck.

I was like, God damn it. That's funny. Oh my God. I mean, I guess I knew, but fuck. Oh my God. He was like, well, yeah, I couldn't act at that size. I was like, oh, fuck. I got to get to work. And his was muscle.

Yeah, damn, that was tough to see. Yeah, I mean, it's just like he has to beat out John Cena or The Rock for every one of those roles. Yeah. That's why The Rock makes so much money. If you write a role for a big dude that needs to be charming and kind of funny, he's going to get the part. Yeah, and I love John Cena and The Rock as actors, by the way. I would love, love, love to actually... I'm kind of writing something right now with John Cena in mind. I would love to work with John Cena. I think he's very funny, and I think he's very charming. John Cena and The Rock both, I think...

Their strong suits are... They don't have... There's something that Batista has that they don't. Batista has a... He has a...

I don't know. There's like a tenderness to him. There's like a... Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's something about him that I think is just a little different than those two. Yeah. And so I do think he could carve out a different lane for himself. I do too. I definitely think so. So yeah, I can see why he probably like changed his body and stuff. Yeah. My favorite The Rock role is the other guys. Yeah. Because it's short. Yeah. It's short and also it's hilarious. I don't need to see The Rock for two hours. Yeah.

Central Intelligence with Kevin Hart is actually a pretty good movie, though. Yeah. I will give them that one. You will give The Rock his one flower. Yeah. His singular flower. He's not my favorite actor in the world. Yeah. You know. You think God's real? No. No.

I just bring it on people, see what happens. I don't. I don't at all. No God for you? No, I don't believe in anything. The point of life, I think, is community at the end of the day. Yeah. Like love and friends and how you are in relationships and that kind of thing. Yeah. It's just like, who are you to the people around you? Like, do the people around you genuinely enjoy being around you? Like, is there love there? Like, I think that's the most important part of life. Yeah. And I do think religions have that.

In a certain kind of way with the community building aspect. But then when you give one man all the power at the top, that just kind of fucks it all. Yeah. We can't trust almost anyone. It's really just me that we can trust with that. Honestly. Give Caleb power. That's it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I would probably start a cult.

I think it'd be cool. I mean, I think most comedians have a little bit of that. I think it'd be cool. I'd start a cool one. Because when you sell out a show and you do an hour in front of people, it feels cult-like. Well, it's psychotic. You really stop it. Do you ever stop and think about, like, it is crazy. I did it on stage once. Yeah. I was in Pittsburgh. Yeah. Because it was like, I literally stopped it. Like, I had a joke hit so hard and I stopped. I was like.

I've never been here before. None of y'all know me. And I'm just talking about my life up here. And y'all paid to be here. And they just go, yeah! And I was like, alright, just get back to the jokes. This is crazy. Bottle Rocket? What is that? Did we do Bottle Rocket in Pittsburgh? No, I did this independent show. I'm not where you at yet, Caleb. I can't do that shit yet. Hit them up. I think you'd do a good weekend of Bottle Rocket. But the thing of like...

Standing on a stage with only your thoughts to entertain people for an hour is a really crazy. It's trippy. That's why it's the coolest art form to me. And I had this talk with another comedian. I won't say his name. I won't bust him out. But we were talking about how we both hate PowerPoint comedy. Yeah. Really? I kind of like it. I hate it. Why? Because stand-up is supposed to be this thing where you just have the mic and you're supposed to communicate.

the thing so well you don't need all the other shit yeah and so like for me it's like if you need that powerpoint then you probably didn't write the joke that good yeah i've felt this way before that's just that's just me i might be wrong because there's some people killing with the powerpoint yeah you know i'm saying and do your thing because i don't like it don't stop don't stop what you're doing yeah but like for me i just very much love the pure just like standing there with a mic

Sit on a stool and you just talking to these people and like hitting them with punch lines and making them think about stuff they would never, ever think ever in their life. And they're going to repeat it at work tomorrow. Yeah. I just don't think a PowerPoint does that.

I hear you. I felt that way. There was definitely a moment coming out of Chicago when everybody was doing PowerPoints in Chicago for a second, including myself. That was the first place I saw it when I did stand-up in Chicago. And I was doing it too, and I definitely acknowledged in my own work that I was like, you're doing this because you're being lazy. Really? Yeah, I fully like...

I went to New York and LA and did a PowerPoint set that I had been doing, and it went really well, and it sold out. And I've seen some that are really funny. Mine wasn't really in particular, to be honest. Mine was honestly a crutch. I'll be honest. That's real. I was being lazy. That's real. I didn't want to focus on the jokes. I didn't believe in the jokes. It was a crutch where the PowerPoint created this. And I think a lot of people, if they were really honest with themselves, would admit the same thing, where it created this...

this uh comfort of like well i can just click the next slide or there's something that'll make them laugh in there if i don't do my job when the picture is the punchline yeah i think that's totally fair i will say though i thought that is what like late night tv is though 100 and by the way there's there's a lot of people that are doing it in really innovative ways i wasn't doing it creatively i was being a hack what's the dude he just did one he's really funny josh sharp i don't know that is it's a white dude he he he's part i think he's with ad bryant

Oh, Conor O'Malley. Yeah. I watched his on YouTube and I liked his. Yeah. His was very interesting because it was like a character and stuff. I liked it. You should go see Josh Sharp. Okay. Josh Sharp's doing a PowerPoint hour right now that he does a slide cue every three seconds. It is so choreographed and genius. Okay. I haven't seen something...

This tight as a joke writer. Yeah, you'll really appreciate it. Okay, he might he might change my yeah And I'm all about changing perspective. Yeah, but in it to your point I definitely was when I was doing powerpoints. I was being a hack. Well, yeah I just have this rule. I don't want to use nothing Richard Pryor couldn't use Yeah, I think he's the best ever and he could he didn't even have access to that shit. He just had crack Yeah, but he was an innovator exactly. So don't you think maybe he would be doing powerpoints now? No, I

I don't know. I don't think so. I don't know. He might be at UCB. I don't think so. Richard Pryor might have been doing a one-man show at UCB Sunset. You don't like to hear it. You don't like to hear it. Richard Pryor is one of my greats as well. No.

But he might be doing something else. Oh, my God. You don't like to hear it, but it might be the case. I'm so upset at you right now. Don't disrespect my goat like that. No, he really is. He's the greatest. He just had a mic and some crack, man. Yeah. And a little bit of Marlon Brando, but we don't have to talk about that. Yeah. Niles, thank you so much for being on. Thank you for having me. This was so fun. Please tell the people where they can find you. You can follow me on Twitter, at Niles100, Instagram, The Niles Abson Show.

Follow me. I run a monthly show with Don't Tell called Who All Gonna Be There? Tickets are on sale right now, November 22nd. Come out to the show in LA if you're here. Great. Thanks for being on. That was a HeadGum Podcast.