Steve Hernandez is a Street Legend
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- First off, I feel like masculinity is under attack in this country. I'm just kidding. What if? What if? - I think we have a big decision in November.

I'm a good podcast guest. I know you're a good podcast guest. You actually, I did your podcast like 2020. That's how we met. Yeah. You're like, do you want to do my podcast? And I actually wanted to ask you something kind of related to that. Yes. My very first question for you is, you know, it's a big one. Yeah. Why did you stray from God? What led you away from Christ? Because me and all the other Christians are talking about it.

You know, when I first left, I used to be a pastor at a mega church, a youth pastor. When I first left, I thought God wanted me to. To leave the church? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I didn't want to be... I was having sex with my girlfriend at the time. If...

Big sand. Is that so funny? I felt awful about it. I mean, I felt awful, like plagued, just awful sliding into my sweet, sweet Christian girlfriend. Sliding in. Sliding in. I just couldn't stop. But I did really, truly, I was like, I did not want to be the kind of pastor that like gets caught. Yeah. And like, you know, shunned by the media. So I was like, time to step away. And so, you know, that's what I did.

And then you got out of there. No. Yeah. Yeah. But I deconstructed my faith. Would you still believe in God, Caleb? No. You did say that. Well, I'm here there on it. I talk too much about God on this podcast. But no, I'm not a Christian. But you did say one of the funniest things to me and my roommates ever. What? You said, which I hope you meant more about them than me. But you said that we have born again Christian vibes. Have you? This is true. Rocco, have you met this friend group?

Okay. They're very like Christ-like. I am not. No, no, no. It's very youth pastor. Very sexless. I'm sorry to say, cause I think Caleb is like a sexy guy and stuff, but it's very sexless. It's, and it's, uh, there's like boys and girls, but nobody's alluding to sex. Really? It's very odd. Even Caleb, it surprises me cause I know he gets down. Um,

But if I bring up sex around him and stuff, he's like, no, no, no, don't do it. Not here. Not here. Yeah, yeah. Allie gets scared. All the girls get scared. Steve, I don't want to put you on blast like this, but I fuck about 10 times as much as you do. I believe that. You've got a wife in the home. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And a girlfriend. Yeah. You've got to be kidding me. And he's not kidding. You guys are down with that stuff. Yeah, yeah. That's what I mean. That's why it is odd to me that you, but you don't talk about it. Because what is the point? I don't know. Yeah.

But the rest of your friend group, I don't know how much they're fucking. I will say, that's what I'm saying, is I think you clocked the group. Yeah. But I'm on the periphery. I'm not like that. But I do think it's sweet. I do love that little group. And they're my friends, too. I don't, you know, I don't want you to feel, I don't feel like outside of it anymore. I love the vibe that you have where you love people to stop by at your house all the time. I love that about you. That's great.

He wants people to come by his house all the time. Like 3 p.m., knock at the door. That's cool. That's like friends. Don't people want friends like that? Steve will do that, too. He'll drop by. Yeah, I like dropping by. I know I'm not going to catch you fucking. I don't know when you're doing all this fucking. Ten times as much as me. I got a wife and a girlfriend, and he's doing all this fucking. Yeah.

Plus, I've got others sprinkled through the years. Let me tell you something. For the fellas that are listening, if you just treat these people with respect and love, they'll still have sex with you once or twice a year. Like, you know, on a random Tuesday. Is it for exes? Exes or friends. Yeah. You know, I think everybody should be having sex with their friends. I truly believe that. If you have a spark, if you're attracted to the person...

and you guys are talking and you have fun together, you should at least be making out and you should probably be having sex. And I think it's so very Christian to not do that. - You think it's Christian to not fuck your friends? - Oh yeah, like puritanical. - Yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, that's what, you know, I thought hanging out with more queers, they were gonna be more like that, but I guess that's just on the TV shows or something. Everyone's still, yeah, maybe, yeah.

Because maybe that's just the L word or something because these friends are not fucking, okay? And I think everyone should be having sex with your friend. Like I said, if both of you like find each other attractive, if you're talking at a party and like we're touching arms or something like that, man, woman, let's fuck. Let's see what it feels like. Let's kiss at the very least. One man, one woman.

You said one man, one woman. No, I do not care about that. No, you sleep with everybody. The best threesomes are two men and one woman. There's always something to do. Everybody knows that. There's always something to do. What do you mean by there's always something to do? I don't know if you've seen, we got some straight guys over there. I don't know if you've seen straight porn where it's two girls and one guy. Have you? Two girls and one guy? Yeah.

No, if I'm watching straight porn and it's a threesome, it's two guys, one girl. Eventually, on that one, one of the girls has to kind of be in the back just like be rubbing a titty or something like that. She's like not doing that much. She's like rubbing a titty and she's like, ooh, or like that. Or she's like kissing an arm or something like that. But with two guys and a girl, everybody's like into it. There's always something for everyone to do it. Plus two guys...

It's like you're building something, like a piece of Ikea furniture. It's like, let's get together. You're like having fun. You're building this project. You have this beautiful woman here. Everyone, you don't have to be so cool. It's cool. Yeah, I wonder why more people in your life aren't adopting your views on sex when you describe it so beautifully.

putting together Ikea furniture. I wonder why people aren't adopting your philosophy more often. Well, one-on-one, it's just that you're building that one separate thing. But yeah, friends, if you're friends with people, you should have sex more. It's cool. I love that you're such a former pastor slash total stand-up that you can't help but address everybody in the room.

The entire podcast so far, you've been like, Rocco, come on, buddy. They're right here. Yeah, these guys are here. I didn't ask how long they've been dating or anything like that. Yeah, yeah. They're here. But I, you know, as a polyamorous man, that's what I'd say. I think we end up talking about sex more than I even like because the older I get, I do feel that when you have sex with somebody that you have to be responsible to them in a way that you hadn't before. I truly believe that. Yeah.

And so I don't care about sex that much, but I do like getting juice with someone. You feel that, right? When you're talking at a party, you get juice with someone. You're like, yeah, we're jamming. The older I get, I find that that happens fewer and far between. Really? Yeah. So what I'm saying is when you feel juice with someone,

that's when you guys should explore each other physically. If you feel that everyone has respect for each other. I have a question for you because that's interesting to me. Why do you think, because you're so, so much older than me. Yeah. No, but I want to learn from you because you're really up there. Yeah. What,

You say that the juice, the chemistry, the crack, the fizzle, the pop, that gets fewer and farther between when you get older. Why do you think that is? Do you think it's universal or just you? No, I do think that – I actually think it doesn't happen that often.

Yeah. But in general, in general. Okay. But you don't, you, when you're young, you think it's going to happen more. Yeah. So you take it for granted. You take the juice for granted. So you're always, you're like at a party. I go, okay, that was cool. That was nice. She was cute. That was cool. And then the older you get, you realize, Oh, I haven't had one of those in a long time. So I just think it happens few. I mean, I, I'm not kidding. I know this is going to sound like a joke. What I said. Um, what's that, uh, what's that sandwich place they always bring in from crafty, uh,

It's going to be a farms. What's the farm? Oh, Mendocino Farms. It's Mendocino Farms. Dude, I was at the Mendocino Farms downtown once. Oh, my God. You have told me this. For a second, I was like, where is he going? And now I remember. You have talked about this interaction. There was this redhead girl greeter that greeted me. And we started talking. And we were jamming so hard. I was with a guy friend, a guy named John Gove. And afterwards, he said...

John Gove said this. He said, what was that? And I was like, shit. I was like, I don't know. And then he was like, you got to go get that girl's number. But I was married and I'm just, you know, I don't, I'm not proud that I'm polyamorous. Thank God. I do believe this. I believe it like I used to believe in Christianity. At my core, I think monogamy is a thief.

and robbing us of like so much bullshit. But I don't, I know everyone thinks it's weird. Nobody likes it. So I'm not trying to talk about it. I feel like a Scientologist. Like I really would keep it to myself. I know nobody likes it. So I just didn't want to bother that redhead girl. But here I am.

15 years later. I got to say. Talking about the little redheaded girl at Mandacino Farms. If 15 years ago or whenever, whatever time this was, if you were a redheaded woman who worked at a Mandacino Farms, Steve has told me this story and I'm not kidding. I'll give a conservative number 75,000 times. He thinks about you more than he thinks about his wife and baby. Yeah.

He loves you, bitch. Please hit him up. Dude, redheaded girl. You know we jammed so sick that day. You know we jammed. See, she might see this. The show's doing very well. Not quite fried chicken chicken. Not quite love. That's what I say.

Not quite lust, but what we could have had in a separate, different life, most Sharia more. So here's what I think. Yeah. When you said that it gets fewer and further between that you have that sparkle with people. Yeah. And then you said, oh. Well, let me ask you a question. Do you get that feeling all the time with people? Yeah. Oh, yeah? Yeah. That's why I wish I was more gay. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Dude, if I was more gay, dude, that fizzle must happen all the time. Like you're just talking and then someone like licks a lip or something, right? It must happen all the time. What do you think is going on with gay people? That was such an interesting thing you just said. A guy, you don't lick your lips to a man when you're seducing him?

Have you never licked your lips? I'm not the big bad wolf, bitch. Yeah, but... What are you talking about? Are you... LL Cool J licks his lips. The... Famously not a gay guy. Yeah. You... I don't think I'm having this sizzle because I'm gay. I think I'm having this sizzle because I'm just, you know, I'm just charming. Yeah, I mean, you are for sure charming, no doubt. Um...

I'm charming too, you piece of shit. Wait, you interrupted me. I want to say, I don't think it gets you in further between the older you get. I think what you're expressing is it happens rarely to begin with, and maybe as you get older, you just appreciate it more. There you go. I'm open to that. Is that the thing? Yes, yes, yes, yes. I'm very open to that. Okay.

But okay, so you're Pauly. Yeah. You got a wife and a kid. Yeah. I love your kid. Yeah. Actually, the last time I saw your baby in person was at our Super Bowl watch party. Yeah. And Chance, our producer, sprayed champagne all over the baby. Yeah. So that was, she probably won't be coming over anymore. Let me tell you something else I love about Caleb, okay? I'm talking to the camera right here. Let me tell you something else. I'm talking to the people on the podcast. If I'm going to be on Gay Joe Rogan, I want people to know these good things about Caleb, okay? Yeah.

Omo Rogan. This is another thing I love about Caleb is he keeps guys like Chance around that you guys met in college, right? You guys, you don't know this guy. You got to follow him on Instagram. He looks like the biggest bro you've ever seen. Hardcore Casey. He wraps it when we have football games at their house. He wraps himself in a Casey flag and like rocks himself because he's so into the game.

And so there's a bunch of lesbians, me, my baby, Chance rocking himself in the corner with a Kansas City flag, legitimately weeping when they won the Super Bowl. And I love that you keep Chance around and you keep inviting him. He's a good guy. And you want that at a football game. You need Chance there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't watch a football game without Chance. Chance would not be in my life. He saw me hit and run and kill somebody in 2016. And so I have to keep him around.

Other than that, I would have kicked his ass, I'm sorry to say, to the curb a long time ago. Because he's a toxic energy. Just weeping. He knows too much. And even, you had that party last night, Chance was just kind of like grunting around with a bunch of Kansas City, when you put on the Kansas City stuff, coming to a gay party, how did you think that was going to work out? I was just trying to be unapologetic. Why? Why? I thought that was,

That's what they want you to think, bro. This is Hollywood, okay? We're playing a different game out here, my friend. Now, I have a question for you on that note. What is your – I think about masculinity all the time. Yes. It's something I think about constantly. Yes. What is your – and you are somebody I think about a lot when I think about masculinity because I think you have such a healthy and interesting relationship with masculinity. And you talk about this a lot on stage.

For people who don't, I don't do guest introductions on the show. I think that's boring. But you're a brilliant stand-up comedian. That's very nice. Thank you. An absolute fixture in the LA scene. And I know you don't want me to do this. But what is your relationship to masculinity and how has it changed? I do think it has a lot. No, bitch. You answer my questions on my show. But I was just thinking about this coming over here, about that too. Let's see.

First off, I feel like masculinity is under attack in this country. I'm just kidding. What if? What if? I think we have a big decision in November. I do think, though, this is something I really do think that is interesting, is I do think that

femininity as we've for the past 40, 50 years we figured out so nobody says about a woman nobody a woman could say I'm a woman and nobody challenges that. Yeah. But with men they're still like we're still trying to figure it out. I don't think we've like we know yet. I do think it has a lot to do about being yourself about being sensitive for me in terms of masculinity I think

a real man looks out for the people around him. Yeah. I really do think that. And I think that's so rare. I think when you think of Trump, when you think of, you know, libertarianism, where you're just out for yourself, I think it's so fucking disgusting.

What's up y'all if you're enjoying so true podcast there is so much more so true over on our patreon It's dirt cheap you guys the patreon is dirt cheap get over there get over there and get some more content We've got bonus content on the patreon with every single guest including the guests that you're listening to right now Bonus questions with them that you won't find anywhere else in addition to that. I'm going on tour as always So I'm live in person. Please come see me

Well, guys, I'm just going to be honest with you. A bunch of them are sold out. But some shows that aren't sold out, I believe one of the shows that I have next week in Chicago still has some tickets available. Houston, Fort Worth, and Dallas all have tickets available. Please go get those. And those are my only upcoming live shows that aren't sold out for right now. I don't know what to tell you. The venues only have so many seats, and there's a billion Kaylebrities in the world. Ha ha ha ha!

Okay, I'm sorry. I love you guys so much. Thank you for tuning in. Please like, subscribe, share everywhere, and follow us on every social media. And frankly, you know, kind of be sycophantic about the pod. We're trying to build a cult-like presence here where eventually people will get harmed. Thank you. Goodbye. What is funny, though, is I work at a bar called The Chatterbox in Covina. It's my whole life now. What is Covina? Covina is a...

It's in Covina. It's a suburb in Los Angeles. It's about 25 miles east from L.A. proper. But there's a lot of Filipinos, a lot of Mexicans. The fact that I learned to write jokes like this to these people. Yeah. And why'd you make that face? I was looking. Chance gave me a note on the – he gave me a note on where we're at in the show. I mean, did you have to make the face? I mean, the whole thing is to not make a face when they give you a thing. Yeah.

Hey, Steve, let me tell you something. This isn't your show. We'll make faces however we want over here. If we could get a look at the face he made. I thought something was going on. It looked like my baby when she farts. I think, like, what's going on with you? I'm like, oh, you're farting. Well, now you know. I got to know.

I learned to write these jokes to Filipinos and very straight Mexican guys where I was bombing my ass off for a few years because straight guys, especially hardcore Mexicans and Filipinos I can speak for, is they think if they laugh at my jokes, then that means they're gay. It's just what happens. And so I figured it took me a while to figure that. But even then.

Late night when I'm like closing the bar and I have a few late guys there and they go like, but you're like, you're the one fucking them though, right? Yeah. You're sick, right? Please, you're the top. And I'm like, nah, fool. I'm getting blasted. That's so silly too because like laughing at Steve Hernandez jokes doesn't mean you're gay. It just means you don't have taste. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

- But I do think masculinity, I do think it is being sensitive. I do think there's strength in sensitivity and vulnerability. That's what, even getting in the ass, I think bottoming, there's a strength in that. You're giving yourself over. I think a lot of guys by not being vulnerable, they are so fucking weak. It's so stupid. And I mean that physically, I mean that in every way. - You're a proud bottom. - Yeah.

Well, if I'm going to fuck something, I'd prefer a thing that gets wet with it by itself. Okay. Yeah. Sweet, sweet. You guys know what I'm talking about. I don't want to say that. No worries. Yeah. I know you have a, a bold lesbian audience and you guys love me live. Uh, so please, if I say anything to offend you or if I'm coming off too, you know, I'm not like that. Um, you just remember how much you love me live. You, you, you have killed for me live many times. I, uh,

your definition earlier of, um, masculinity of being a man as being someone who looks out for the people around you. Yeah. I really liked that. Cause I think the, the idea of manhood as this like overpowering dominating, like I feel very much like a man, but this dominating, like not giving a fuck about anybody, this gruff kind of careless. I don't, that doesn't feel like any man I've ever respected. No. And that's, that's why I do love you, Caleb. You're very good about that, about looking out for the people around you. It's very sweet. Uh,

That's all I have to say about that. Well, what are your other favorite things about me? Don't be scared to. You're in good company. The K-Liberty's and K-Lesbians, they like me as well. Let me tell you something. Here's the thing. This is why Caleb keeps me around. I'm a true stand-up. Street legend. Some people call me a street legend. I said it earlier on the show. The industry wants nothing to do with me. I have several prominent managers that are my friends, and they've never mentioned a meeting. Okay.

They pay for lunch, and I thank you guys for that. They've never known. I just got, what do you call it? Thank God. I'm an alternate for the Limestone Comedy Fest. An alternate. And I'm so grateful they sent me that letter. And they said, Steve, we only sent this out to 15 other people. And guess what? You don't have to pay the fee when you submit next year. And thank you. You're saving me $40. I'm going to submit next year. I want to be one of the Limestone 36. Oh, my God.

The limestone 36 sounds like a civil rights thing. This is a comedy festival. I'm nothing but a street legend. I have the respect of my peers. You think it means a lot. It does at first, and then it means less and less. I did three open mics yesterday. The third one I shouldn't have gone to. It was so sad. I was in Paramount. That's near the airport. All that to say...

You said why I'm keeping you around. Yeah, I'm the real deal. When stand-ups, they know you can't say anything. Caleb keeps me around because he knows. I'm like, because Caleb, incredible stand-up, okay? I know, I know. I once introduced him as the Michael Jordan of stand-up, and the show did not go well after that. That was on me. I want to apologize to that late show in Philly. But I do, you are an amazing stand-up.

I think you keep me around because you're like, if this guy thinks I'm good, then I must be good. No. Yeah, no. That has nothing to do with it. You actually have a clinical problem in our friendship that I want to bring up of misdiagnosing what's going on between us. Just now is a great example. Another famous one is that time that we met up at the movies. And I said, oh, you never call me. You never text me or whatever. Giving you a little bit of gruff because I haven't heard from you in a while. And you go, yeah, I'm not your dad. You project onto me like I'm your dad.

I didn't say it like that. I just said, you've got to, I was like, Caleb, you got to stop this. You look to me as a dad often. Which is not true. You heard how old he was saying I was. Everybody heard that, right? Look, there are many things that can be true. Number one, you are quite old. Yeah.

You are here. We have an intergenerational friendship that I think is beautiful and inspiring. Kind of like when a cat befriends a tiger or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you are... I do not look to you as a father figure. I just love you as a friend. But you misdiagnose our relationship a lot in a really funny way. I do think it is interesting. I have... I rarely have respect for people in their 20s. And...

And ever since, the guy's still not 30 yet. The guy's still, next year, right? Yeah, January. Praise God. Thank God. Then you're going to see a new side of me. I'm going to be able to relax around you.

Speak to you man to man. Yeah. Yeah. Because we all encounter the world. We all deal with the world differently, I think. My dear friend is finally going to be comfortable around here in January. Yeah, well, you'll see. It'll be a thing. I'll get you a tool belt. Yeah. I've got one. Yeah. Get me something else. Maybe a flask. A flask. Maybe a flask or maybe a knife set or something. Yeah, yeah. But, okay.

Okay, all right. I mean, I've always felt Scottie Pippen to your Michael Jordan in terms of stand-up, but if you're telling me that's not true... You're ridiculous. So this is what I want to ask you. You do this little song and dance about, I'm a street legend, the industry has no love for me. Yeah.

This podcast is just one of the most successful pieces of media out in the world right now. Billions of fans and listeners. What do you want? What do I want? What do you want? Not much more than I have. And that's true. I actually believe that about you. But what is the gap? What will fill that gap between where you are now and what would make you content? I'm being completely serious here. Limestone 36. 2025.

Now tell the truth, bitch. That's maybe, okay, that's a piece of it. What's the truth? I don't want to leave Los Angeles. I don't, um, I live here. My family lives here. We have a baby here. We made a decision not, if we're going to have a baby, then we're not going to New York. And so I'm going to be here. I'm not kidding when I say probably not that much more. I think all my friends that will give me acting roles and stuff, which I get them and things like that, they'll keep moving up and I'll keep getting bigger things. Um,

Not much more. I'm very happy. I know that seems crazy. Here's what's crazy about it. It does not seem crazy to me. Well, let me tell you what's crazy about it is I was a Christian, so I believed I had this separate set of values that I really did believe in a lot of ways contradicted with... Oh, am I over there? There you go. I was a Christian, and I felt like I had a lot of ways that my values did not...

go with the world. If you guys didn't grow up in the church, we call it the world. Yeah. Like it's bad. Yeah. Like, oh, my values don't align with the world. That's the way the world thinks. We don't get that way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I got out of that, but I really do believe I have some of those core beliefs still. And it's just hard to not think that

Like, there's a part of me that always wants to be more rich and famous and on TV and all these things. But I know those things don't truly make me happy. So I'm constantly fighting with those things. Does that make sense to you? Totally. Okay. Totally. But you're going to be rich and famous and you don't have to deal with these things. What do you mean going to be? Two houses. Oh, God. Tri-coastal. Going to be. Oh, that's so...

Yeah. See, you've made it. I have to come up with all these. I'm old. I have to come up with all these ways to justify. I'm going to give my life back to Christ. I'm going to be a pastor. I'm going to shun polyamory. Then I'll be rich. I think before we give it up to God, let's get limestone 36. Yeah. Let's grab that for next year. And then maybe we can start believing in God again. I know it's funny that you said like, oh, I bet this sounds ridiculous, but there's not that much more that I want. That doesn't sound ridiculous to me at all. You have, uh,

beautiful wife who is one of the coolest people on earth. You have a gorgeous new baby. You're respected, uh, across many cities by your peers and the thing that you love. Yeah. You have beautiful friendships. Yeah. Many, many, many beautiful friendships. You, you have so much community and that the crazy thing to me is not actually that you wouldn't want more. What's crazy to me is that so many of us do. Yes. I don't understand. Like fame sucks. Everybody I know who's famous is, I don't want to say they're miserable in their life, but it's a, that part of their life is a fucking misery. Yeah. Uh,

being rich is great would obviously take that any day. You know what I mean? More money is like, yeah, freedom. But I don't, I think, I think you're, I think you got it. Yeah. I mean, it's just, let me tell you something. I'm a bartender. I'm a bar manager. So I used to, I was the senior class president. I was a youth pastor at the mega church in my city.

When someone walks in from my high school and they see me bartending still, the look, the sadness in their eyes, it's so sad. But that's the way the world thinks. That's what I'm saying. I want to tell them I'm so happy. My wife's gorgeous. My girlfriend's great. I love them. Everything's going great. I want to tell them that, but...

What are you going to do? So I guess justifying... Also, cut the mention of the girlfriend. I don't support that. But justifying. Yeah, but justifying the stuff to people, I guess, gets a little tiring sometimes. Well, that's the hard... I think that's the... And you're not going to care that I have to say this because I'm in my 20s, but I have decided that the hardest part of life is...

what you think you're supposed to want and be doing because that's what everyone else wants and is doing or says they want and are doing versus what actually, I think about this all the time with splitting time to Kansas City, what actually genuinely makes me happy versus what people are telling me I should be wanting.

Yeah. You know, I like hanging out in Kansas City with my friends. I like doing, like, I don't want to climb the ladder at stand-up. I don't want to post crowd work clips. I want to do shows that I actually believe in. And, like, I don't, this, like, dissonance between, like, what actually makes me happy for real in my actual feelings versus what was supposed to make me happy because it looked good to post the announcement or whatever. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. I wonder, though, and I know you work hard, but...

It has been a very charmed experience for yourself. Would you say that? What do you mean? In the industry? Why don't you say what you're wanting to say? And then I'll chime in on what I think. It appears to me that things keep working out for you. Well, I'm very talented. Yes, you are very talented. Which makes me think I'm not very talented. No, you are very talented. But the alternate list in Limestone 24 would tell us otherwise.

That's a top 50 comic in the country, folks. No, I've been very lucky. Yeah, so I wonder if you have been, or you get the things because you think this way, or the inverse of that. And we'll never know, of course. So you're saying, do I succeed because I don't care as much, or do I not care as much because success is coming? Oh, let me ask you a question. Then did you, there was a point where you cared more, and then you started getting stuff, and then you switched to this thing?

I don't think that I don't care. I think the question is... By the way, I've been in the car where he's gotten calls from managers and things that people would die for, he says no to for the things we're talking about. So this is a principled man here, all right? Never licks his lips when he's flirting, I guess. Hasn't heard of LL Cool J.

I think, here's what I'll say to your question. - Yes. - I think I feel lucky for many things. I feel lucky with people. I've always been lucky with people. I have very good people in my life, everybody in this room included.

But I think the thing I feel luckiest for is that I think I learned a huge difficult lesson about the entertainment industry far earlier than a lot of people do. I think I got a couple of things quick and I realized, and I didn't get a couple of things quick as well. Not getting SNL twice is the best fucking thing that ever happened to me. That fucking, so, and realizing that like getting these things actually won't make you happy. What makes you happy is community and freedom. So what I need to do is make money so I can be free and then just be with my community.

You were at a party at my house last night with a bunch of my friends. That makes me happy. Yeah. That's the shit I want. Yeah, that's cool, man. And so do I feel ungrateful to you? Does it feel that way? No, no, no. No, no, no. Because I would hear the criticism. No, no, no. I would cut it if you said yes. I don't think...

The only negative thing I would have said, which I don't believe, I'm just saying, that any negative bite you would have heard of that would be like, that's easy for you to say. But I don't think that's true for you. What is the that's easy for you to say part, though? I'm interested in that. Because you get everything that you want. Right, so it's easy. So you're saying when I say like, oh, these things won't make you happy, it's not that you're like, oh, how convenient. Yeah. I agree with that. Yeah.

I know. I get that. I get that. Because you know why I've said that? I think I've said this on the podcast before. You know why I feel that way about? Yeah. It's like when Jim Carrey does interviews. Now, I'm not anywhere near. But when Jim Carrey goes, all the money in the world won't fix you, I go, I'll be the judge of that. I'll take that $20 million check. Give me what you got going on. I'll do little paintings of Trump in a diaper all day long. Good Lord. You are so ridiculous. I knew having you on was a mistake. Well, fine. You want to do that? Let's do voicemails. Yeah, let's do voicemails. We've got voicemails from listeners.

Hi, my name is Caroline. I'm from Ohio, unfortunately. What I want to know about is just like, what the fuck is cryptocurrency? Like, in the past, I maybe have looked it up once or twice, but it seems like the most straight this man ever.

thing ever and it's just truly none of my business like I have no business knowing about that I don't need to know about it but would love your input thanks okay do you have any friends that made a lot of money on crypto I think no not close personal friends I I know a lot of guys that made like hundreds of thousands of dollars really yeah

They were just regular guys in Covina, paid off like 80 grand in credit card debt. They just got in early and it's just gambling. Yeah. Yeah. It's just gambling. That's all investing is gambling. Yes. You say, I think this is going to be hot. It's not yet. I get in at the right time. Leaving at the right time is the most crucial part of investing. Yes, yes, yes. That's the thing. So those guys, I mean, companies at least produce things, but crypto is straight up gambling. And a lot of those guys got in early and they got out. Yeah.

But, you know, I've heard the term Dogecoin. People have said that around me. I won't bet on any of that stuff. You never invested in any of that, huh? No, I don't. I'm not interested. I would rather be... I would just rather have the amount of money I have than play those fucking games with those people. Because the people you have to talk to to understand shit like that, I'm like, genuinely, I'd rather be broke. I don't want to have a conversation. Whenever those guys would talk about it and they're getting all fired up talking to each other about it, I don't like that. I'm not... I don't...

You know, I don't like when men get, like, worked up about that kind of stuff. What do I like when men get worked up about? I don't know if there's a lot. It's usually not from a good place. Not the Dodgers? You don't like when guys get worked up at the baseball game? I get worked up at the baseball game, but I don't like that either.

And you might not like this. I know you're a big Kansas City fan. I don't like that feeling when your team loses and you're upset. Don't you feel stupid? It's stupid. Yeah. That's why I just move on. Yeah, but you feel bad for a couple hours or a day or something, right? Legitimately, I will allow myself. Chance and I are a big different on this because Chance will let it ruin his day. I let myself do like maybe 10 or 20 minutes. And I'm like, fuck, that sucked. And then I go, this is the dumbest thing imaginable. Move on. Just send it away.

Because it feels, it's childish. It has nothing to do with us. They don't care about us. Yeah. Yeah, that kind of thing. Whenever women get excited about things, it's usually pretty funny and it's relationships. Like, I like reality TV and like the ones when women fight and they're catty and they go to lunch. I like that shit. Yeah, women's interests are funny to me. Yeah.

Women's interests are funny to you. Isn't that interesting? You know what though? On the sports pro thing, I've been fighting with a bunch of them lately because they're in, in Kansas City, there's a tenant union called the Casey tenants. Yeah. And my friend runs it and Tara, she's a genius. And I love that group and I do a lot of work with them and I love the chiefs, but the, but basically what happened was the Royals and the chiefs, the baseball team, the Royals, you know, but you know, the lesbians may not, not, um, they were doing it. They were trying to get a tax passed. That was a regressive tax on a sales tax on regular people. Um,

That was going to be, I think, like $2 billion over 40 years. And it was effectively a working class tax. And the Royals wanted to use their tax money when that got passed to bulldoze a district called the Arts District, hilarious and on the nose, to create a downtown baseball stadium, which never works. If your city's everything by getting a downtown baseball stadium, put sugar in the cement or whatever the fuck you have to do to get it to stop.

And if they don't work, you disagree. And we'll get to that in a second. They suck. The taxpayers shouldn't be paying for it. These are teams owned by billionaires. And I made a video with the tenant union talking about how I don't think this tax should be passed. And these guys were so mad at me. These chiefs fans, like I'm not a chiefs fan being like, you don't care about the city. You're a fucking idiot. They're going to leave.

And that's the thing that bothers me about sports is when I go, nobody, I love the chiefs. I watched you come to my house. I do watch parties every week. I talk about them constantly. I follow their fucking trade moves. I love the chiefs. Yeah. I've loved, I've loved them my whole life.

when you care more about like your little ideas of what your sports team is, then you do about the fact that that's going to raise the rent for all of your neighbors for miles and miles out of that epicenter. Yes. You don't care about people. You care about your little, your little thing. Yes. And that's it. Those guys that care more about like a billionaire getting a tax break so they won't take our sports team away. Yeah. And they're going to let, you're going to blackmail me and tell me you'll leave. What kind of neighbor is that? Those guys piss me off.

Yeah, that's sad. They don't got anything else going on in their life. That's why. Yeah, and it's fucking stupid. Yeah. They've got like literally like families and they've got kids and wives and they're like, if this team leaves, I'll fucking kill myself. Damn, I don't know. I will say there's something I would love to be like such a moron football fan when you and your girl wear the jerseys together and you're just like moronic and like kissing each other and shit. That's you and Juliova.

A little bit. We're not morons. I want to be dumber. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's really about being dumber. Yeah, yeah. I want to be dumber. That would be so cool. Do you like downtown baseball stadiums? Have you been to the Padres Stadium? In San Diego? Yeah. No, I have not. It's amazing. Is it working for the city? Yeah, absolutely. How so? It opens out to all the restaurants and everything like that. What kind of restaurants? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Italian. Swedish. No, no, no, no. Who owns those restaurants? No, I'm just telling you, everyone loves the stadium. There's not a people who would say this was a bad idea. There's trains that go in. It's just... It's a gorgeous stadium. I bet there are people who would say it was a bad idea because...

I guarantee you those restaurants are owned by out of city, out of state people. Yeah. Fucking developers who came in and moved small business. Now it's so long gone now that maybe people have forgotten. Yeah. But when it's happening presently, you're going to move out small businesses and locals to bring in douchebags from New York and LA to run up profit in your city that they won't reinvest. Or, you know, this also might've been a different time too. I do agree though, that if your thing would have happened, that's exactly what have happened.

And I'm glad the bill got passed. Yeah. Or they're not going to do it. Well, yeah. You fought it. They did not get the tax. Yeah, they did not get the tax. Yeah. You and I, it's just a hard part of our friendship that you're so right wing. But I do respect you. I've always respected you. No, but yeah, cryptocurrency, no good. Although, do you guys ever think about this? What's the big one called? Bitcoin. Bitcoin.

That always like it keeps going up, right? So that I think even my father-in-law, who is a finance guy, would say Bitcoin is still very safe. And when it dips down, it's I think it's at 70 grand now per Bitcoin. It's it's at 37. It was at 60, like not that long ago that when it gets to, you know, 37 by so. Yeah. So if it gets to 35 or something like that, I guess people would buy it now. So.

Sorry, this is not what So True is about. This fucking sucks. I know you have a guy on here who's mostly straight, and then we start talking about Bitcoin, but that was a woman who asked the question. It's not me. I just want my listeners to know this is not what we're about, and Steve is usually much cooler than this. Yeah, I mean, it's gross. I think it's gross. We got another voicemail for you. That was not our fault. Me and Chance are not held liable for that. Yeah, she asked the question.

I hold Ohio responsible for that. Hi, Caleb. This is Shay, and I'm calling in from Kansas City. And I just want to know the truth about what Kansas City does better than L.A. and what does L.A. do better than Kansas City. And you can't say the truth, but anything. Thank you. Love your podcast.

This really worked out, huh? Yeah. Am I a little segue there? Yeah. Well, I would like to immediately kick that. I've got answers, but you came and visited me in Kansas City, and we just had such a beautiful time. What did you think? Okay, I went to Kansas City. I had never been, and it's a beautiful city. They're a lot nicer than us, generally. Your food, the barbecue was amazing, of course. That's got to be it, right? Nicer barbecue? Yeah.

No. I mean, I don't think better is the right way to think of it. I will say, what do I... Here's the way I think of it all the time. As somebody who loves both, because I fucking love LA. Yes. I have a huge love for LA in my heart. Genuinely. And that's not a popular... A lot of people love to hate on LA. I think that sucks. LA, here's the deal. Living in a place like LA, New York, Chicago, when you're like us, when you have these creative friends, the thing I crave about LA and... When I'm in Kent City, the thing I crave about New York and LA that I'm missing is the...

just massive amount of creative people with free time to hang out and talk about ideas. Yeah. Kansas city, there are creative people, but like, it's not like that over there. Yeah. You can't go get lunch with somebody. Everybody's at work. Yeah. Like that. I crave, I miss my friendships and I miss the, like I miss the, if I have 12 creative friends in Kansas city in a given week that aren't traveling or something in LA, I have a thousand.

Yeah. There's just so, it's just so much more. Yeah. And I miss, I, what I love about LA is the thing that's just a volume thing. The number of constantly new restaurants and spots and places to go and try out and things you haven't even gotten to explore yet. Yeah.

Kansas City, though, the nice thing about it is everything's not new. A lot of things are pretty... They are the way they are. New things come in. We get new restaurants and stuff all the time, especially now. But the streets are wide. Parking is easy. The people are nice. You know your neighbors. Real estate's cheap. It just isn't... It's a much...

easier life yes than the big big cities and my friends who have visited for a long a time longer than like a week or so that have stayed for a month or so my friends who have done that have said i can't believe the amount of stress that is released out of my body just day to day that i don't even think about when i'm in a big city yes it's just easy and nice yes it's easy and nice but the the actions here the actions here what was your favorite part about our trip to kansas city

Do you remember? Because we did... You came. We had barbecue. We did a show. I took you to some bars. Julia was pregnant at the time. Yeah, my wife was pregnant. Let's see here. No, you know, I loved meeting your mom. I loved meeting your mom. God damn it. Steve's trying to sleep with my mom. It's been like an ongoing thing. Have you seen it? She's cute. And a nurse. So she's like...

Kind of rough and tumble, but with a heart of gold. She's rough and tumble? Well, it just means she can mix it up with the best of us. She has a couple beers. She's a bartender, right? She was a bartender. She was. So, yeah. And you got to remember how old I am. So this isn't weird for anyone but Caleb.

No, my mom is young and you're old. It's all, yeah. For being my mom. Yes. So you guys are pretty close. So I'd say your mom was probably my favorite part of that. But, you know, I love seeing this place that you love so much and looking at it through your eyes. Also, you're like a bona fide star there. It's like hilarious. You go to anywhere and strangers walk up to them. You're like, give me a break. Yeah.

Oh, that happens everywhere. This is getting so embarrassing at this point. And, like, people will turn to him and, like, say, like, oh, man, I really like. They won't, like, say hi. They'll say, like, they'll be like, that was a funny. The second joke you made yesterday. Like, that kind of thing. Like, everyone that was at the show. It's a very, very small town vibe. Felt very little rascals, you know? Like, we're putting on a show for the town folk, you know? Yeah.

Well, it was a pleasure to have you there. We would just love to have you back. I can't wait to go back. You know, I really, it's my dream. People ask me, I don't know what I'm going to do with my first special, but we went there to scout out a place. We found a great place. I just got it. I just got to drop the money on it. And I'm very open to that too. So I think, I think that is the place where I'm going to record my first special. That's how much I loved it. So Kansas city, sweet people, great food, great heart. Love that place.

And there you have it, folks. That's pretty much the word on Kansas City. Yep. You're from L.A. You grew up in L.A. Yeah. And you guys are going to stay here because of the baby. Yeah. That's the big plan. Yeah. What do you – like, did you ever have a New York moment? Did you ever go to New York for a little bit? Because you talk about New York a lot. You like it there. Oh, yeah, man. I'm a stand-up, you know, subway. Yeah.

Dave Vettel, you know what I mean? Not Dave Vettel. He's got my notebook, you know, that kind of thing. Any stand-up who, anybody who loves a stand-up, I think you have to think so romantically about New York, about being on the subway and going multiple spots. And the last time I went was right before Julia got pregnant. Dedicating your life to the craft with a group of sociopaths. Yeah. Oh, man. That's the only problem is the sociopaths. Yeah.

New York comics, I've said this many times, and many of them are my friends. New York comics are the funniest comics in the country, and every single one of them needs to be in a padded room in a straight jacket. Just dead eyes. Dead eyes. And being like, yeah, last week I did probably 15 sets in one night. It's like, okay, man. When was the last time you slept? There's two very famous comics that were dating at one point. They're not dating anymore, so that'll throw off the scent. Moshe and Natasha. But I remember...

This is the announcement. They're getting divorced. It's going to be tough on the kid. But I was hanging out with one of them, and they would call each other, and they'd ask each other about their sets and, like, how was set three, like that kind of thing. And I was like, this is rough. No, but we wanted to move there. I went there January, and they're very sweet to me now where they roll out the red carpet. You do all the great shows, and you're just like, oh, you know, I did a show.

A fourth set at 11 o'clock. They're like, do you want to do the show at the stand? Monday, 11 p.m. I was like, all right, let's do it. I go there. It was like packed. It was like 75 people. There's a lot of black people in the audience, which I don't get to perform to. L.A. is very segregated. Okay. L.A. is very segregated. It is very segregated. Some hairs went up on my neck when you said, well, there was a lot of black people there.

And you're keeping track? No, there was a lot of black people at this 11 o'clock show on a Monday that I got to perform. I love performing for black people because LA is so segregated. I don't get to do that that often. So I was like, this is, this would not happen in Los Angeles. Uh,

But, yeah, this is my home. I got everything laid out for me. Everything you described. I make good money. I got my white family. I got my brown family. Yeah, I would never go. But, you know, it calls to you. Maybe I'll do a show or something there. Do a show where? In New York. You'll do a show in New York? Yeah. A headlining show in New York. No, no, no. I mean like write on something or act on something. Oh, for a little bit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. For a little bit, for a little while. You just visit, huh? I go to New York like every month. Yeah. Now, these days. I thought you were going to do that monthly. Is it too much, that monthly show? No, I've been there monthly. I went, I did the January show, I did the February show. I took, or did I take, I did January, February...

Maybe I skipped February because I was going back. I just did the March show. Okay. I'm doing an April show next week. I trust you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, sold out at the Bell House. No worries. A couple weeks ahead of time. It's no worries. I think about you selling out those shows sometimes when I'm at open mics.

You know what I will say? Yeah. You know what I will say? For you to undercut me in that way, I just a second ago in my head was like, I've done a couple of high status bits in this episode and I don't think it's very becoming, you know? But it's because when I get together with you, you throw me so many, I want to say, the reason I'm doing the like, oh, I'm famous everywhere, the podcast has a billion listeners. I think,

the fight or flight that you trigger in me to do a high status bit which is not my normal energy is because you just rock me with a right hook of degrading me and then a left hook of like saying the nicest thing I'm thrown off center with you and that's what I love about you too I think it's an interesting there's probably not a lot of people that could do that to each other and yeah I think it makes me laugh laughing

It makes me laugh. There's not a lot of people that confident in doing that well where I could attack them. So that was really healthy. See, it's like, you know what I love about our friendship? I know I can just be, I can hurt you. No, but I know you won't be hurt. That's the best. Yeah, that's the thing. And there's not a lot of people that could do that. So whenever we do those funny things, that's what I'm like, all right, man, this third mic, you shouldn't. I mean, it was bad.

The third open mic. You and I are famously opposed on this. I refuse to do open mics. I won't do it. You are a mic guy and I respect it about you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But how the fuck do you, do you feel like you get an accurate read on your material from these things? On the three mics, the second mic, I got something. And to me, it's really not about the people that much too. It's that when you're saying the stuff, it gets your brain going. Yeah. And so the second mic I did, I changed from the first stuff. I got yesterday was worth the work. And the third one, I shouldn't have done. Yeah. I was wrong.

And I've been doing this too long to try to do a third mic. Well, you're just, yeah, you're so good. I would think you could kind of get there in the car talking out loud to yourself. I would think you would find that. I just don't know that you need to be up in front of like three 26-year-old alcoholics with personality disorders in order to get that joke where it needs to go.

But you love it. That's the thing is you're kidding, but you fucking love this shit. I do love it. I do love it. You love it. I do. I love it. And you really dodged me earlier when I asked you, which is a very artful thing that you do. When I asked you, what do you want? You said, oh, as my friends go get bigger, maybe I'll get roles or whatever. What is the, because I really do want to know and I really do want you to tell people, what is the thing that like, what is the Steve Hernandez thing that you'll be like,

If you could make it and put it out or if you could be a part of it that you would feel like that was the dream. I did it. Yeah, I probably have it. I probably have something very close to it. Just Mexican cheers because I do love bar stuff so much. I love the chatterbox. You don't see a lot of working class Mexicans portrayed like this fool. Chris Estrada did it, of course. But I want to do it more. So probably something like that. Mexican cheers. Mexican cheers. And would you play the bartender, do you think? Some version of it, yeah.

We're cooking. Let's get Final Draft open right now. Me and you, we're in it right now. I mean, I've got part of it outlined. I'm coming up with new ideas. But, yes, I will take your help, Caleb. Could I be in it?

I don't think so. I'll play Mexican. I'll play Mexican. Cuban, maybe. I'll play Cuban. What is that? Do I have to have a cigar or something? I don't know what the Cuban trade is. The little shirts. Those Cuban shirts, fat guys love those things. I have to. I know you do. I have to. I know you do. There's pockets right here. That's where we have to rest our hands anyways. Yeah.

No, I'd be happy to be in your Mexican cheers. Thank you for asking. No, I did not. I specifically said no. I'd love to have the opportunity and I appreciate you offering it. That's a beautiful outcome of the podcast. Okay. Well, I want to ask you something. Yes. I've got other things to ask you. Yeah. I really do just love you so much. I love you too. I just think the world of you. I love you too. And even though you've been so bad to me, I just, yeah, I couldn't love you more. I think you're a genius. What is something that is so true to you?

This is something that is so true to me, and I've tried to make it a bit, but nobody thinks it's funny. Okay, great. I'm glad we could get it on the pod. It is so true to me that when women cheat on men, I think it's hilarious. All right. Almost universally. Almost universally. Okay. Why? Because I think women oftentimes don't go after what they want.

I think men, myself included, are most – I mean, wait till you guys – look at my Instagram. You don't have to follow, at Hernia. Look at my Instagram. See how beautiful my wife is. I make her be Polly. And no world should I get to be able to do that. But because of the patriarchy, I'm able to explore other relationships. What?

But so to me, truly, honestly, when a woman then at some point like cheats on her husband, it's them saying, you know what? I want to do this. I want to feel something. And for them to go after it. Yeah. So to me, I'm always like, I mean, I've had guys say like, well, are you guys broken up? He's like, yeah. And he's like, she cheated on me. And I've laughed out loud.

Just because to me, that means you weren't doing your job. You weren't providing as a man in some form or the other, emotional, physical, something like that. Or you could be doing everything right. And then she saw something and God damn, she just wanted to feel alive for a little bit. It is fascinating that you,

that is such a regressive take compared to me, compared to your thoughts about masculinity for you to be like, masculinity is just like, yeah, we gotta be easier on men and it's just looking out for the people around you and being soft and then you're like, yeah, if you get cheated on, you weren't fucking man enough. No, no, I said both. That's a crazy juxtaposition. Oh, you hedged at the end. No, no, no. But you...

Because you know what I'm thinking of the movie? I don't know if you guys have seen it. It's a little older. Gone with the Wind. I'm just kidding. No, it was called Unfaithful with Diane Lane and Richard Gere. And it was a big hit. But the whole thing was that...

Diane Lane cheats on Richard Gere and Richard Gere was so perfect. He was gorgeous and he was the perfect husband. And it would like this is one of those movies. There used to be a time when movies would come out and they would have like kind of a weird plot about him. And then Oprah would like debate it like Indecent Proposal. Do you guys remember that?

Indecent Proposal was a whole book about it was a movie I know I know yeah that's what I'm speaking to the young people right now is that Demi Moore Woody Harrison and married and then Robert Redford super rich he meets them and he says I'll give you a million dollars for a night with your wife

So this is easy. I'm a businessman. Yeah. And this is back. This was a while ago. This is, you know, 25 years ago or something like that. So a million bucks used to mean something. But that that's so Oprah would debate that. And then people at bars and stuff would say, would you for Robert for a million bucks? Or what if the guy was ugly? People would parse the whole thing apart. Unfaithful is the same way. And that was Richard Gere's the perfect husband. He's so nice. He's so hot. Why would you fuck this other guy? And I'm like, dude, sometimes I'm

It feels good to just fuck a new person. I do not understand you motherfuckers. I know you've been with your girlfriend, what, five years now? Get out of here. Stop it. Break up. I'm just kidding.

It feels good to have sex with new people. The same person you've been with, even though you guys know how to satisfy each other, you can never get that fucking electricity again. I pray to God that my penis is not the last penis Julia has inside of her. I pray to God because I can't give her that new shit. I can make her cum, can't give her the new stuff. So let's all be happy to be alive. Let our partners do what they want to do. Feel that electricity. Right? Right on!

To go on like a very determined, principled, five-minute rant about your sincere beliefs and then turn to me and go, right? I think I, you know what? I actually don't care. Here's what I'll say about you.

Here's my feelings about openness. I like to be mean to poly people because they deserve it. But I think, you know, I have obviously a lot of friends who are poly. And here's my thoughts on openness. Yes. And you're probably not going to like certain parts of this. There's a little bit of possessiveness in this opinion, and I stand by that. But here's how I feel. If I'm with somebody, this is a version of open I can do.

When we are in different zip codes, fuck whoever you want. I don't care. When we're together, it's us. We can play with other people together. But when we're in different zip codes, fuck it because I'm gone all the time. Fuck whoever you want. When we're apart, I will as well. Nobody that we go to dinner with. I don't want you fucking anyone that I'm friends with or that we're friends with. It has to be like a stranger. And other than that, go nuts.

I think that is a perfect agreement. Wow. I think that's wonderful. I won you over. Yeah, I'm stupid and silly where I have to be romantic and all these things too. But I think that is allowing a person to not feel trapped, to still have fun, to do all that stuff. But those boundaries, I think, those things are fair that, oh, I don't want to bump into the person that you're effing all the time.

Yeah, I don't want it to be someone we're close friends with and now they're over and on a day I'm feeling insecure and I know you guys fucked yesterday. It's just like, that I can't do. Yeah, I think that, I think how you feel about it is completely respectable. I'm on board. I think that is forward thinking. I think it's very queer. I love that shit. I love it.

You think I'm forward-thinking and queer? Well, well, well. There's only one way we could prove the queer part. Yeah. One of us is going to have to bend over. Hey, we're not making any money on this episode. What do you think? Let me ask you this. I'm going to ask you a question. Yes. Let me ask you a question here. Yeah. Hold on now. What do you think is the biggest problem facing our society? And answer. I'm being serious. I want to know. It came to my head and I want to know. Homelessness.

Okay, what do you mean? What do you mean? What do you mean? That's the biggest one. I think, wouldn't you guys say facing American society, homelessness might be the biggest thing? American society? Because it's just going to get worse, and everybody has such messed up Republican thinking, or I don't know what's going on. We're giving billions of dollars to homeless people here in California, and these homes aren't popular.

up and then you hear about them making one or two and then they cost like half a million each or something. So yes, homelessness, biggest issue facing anything. I don't know how to fix it. Steve. Yeah. We have a segment for you. All right. Uh, basically what's going to happen here is I'm going to give you a series of true false questions. How many are there chance?

There's 15 questions. You're going to tell me as quickly as you can if you think they're true or false. And if you get more than 10, if you get 10 or more correct, I'm going to give you 50 US dollars. And the way we keep the show running here is if you win, I don't actually give you the money. So the LA Dodgers have won seven World Series titles. True. True. German chocolate cake was invented in Texas. False. True. Lemons sink in water. False. False. They float. Movie trailers originally played after the movie. False. True. H&M, the store, stands for his and mine.

No. False. Hines and Moritz. Janis Joplin moved to West Covina, California when she was 15. True. False. It was Joan Jett. God! Joan Jett really lived in West Covina? Yeah, when she was 15 apparently. Theodore Roosevelt had a pet hyena named Bill. True. True. Captain Crunch's full name is Horatio Magellan Crunch. False. That's true. Horatio Magellan Crunch. Good Lord. There are 71 books in the Protestant Bible. False. How many?

63? 66. But that was crazy. Bees can fly higher than Mount Everest. False. True. James Cameron directed The Last Action Hero. False. False. John McTiernan. The word aquarium means watering place for cattle in Latin. False. True. Cheers ran for 16 seasons. True. False. 11. The Universal City Walk in L.A. opened in 1989.

And you love that place. I know. I hope they had it longer than that, but I'm going to say true. False. 1993. Whoa, so shorter. Yeah. Whoopi Goldberg was the first woman to win the Mark Twain Prize for American humor. True. True. How many did he get? Seven. Oh, boy. Mo, have you ever taken a lady to CityWalk on a date? I mean, like second or third date. First, second, third date. Do you have another email?

Yeah. Okay. City walk. You love city walk. Dude, if you grew up in LA, uh, that was in high school. That's like a place you take a lady. Like were you in high school after 93? I went with Joan Jett. I went to school with Joan Jett.

Yeah. You would like take a lady to like, you, you wouldn't really eat there except maybe Johnny rockets, but then you would take them to like the, the movie theater there, but you'd walk around, you'd walk around. Yeah. Yeah. I have, I have, uh, one final question for you. Um,

you are genuinely, okay, we joke a lot. You're somebody I think is very wise and I take your opinion very seriously. And if I had a problem, I would come to you and I would expect an answer that would really work. And you're also a father now. Yes. Which is a huge responsibility. Yes. What do you, we got a lot of, we got a lot of young listeners that are figuring it out. Yeah. What do you, what would, if you could give advice to someone in like their early twenties, yes. What, like just about life and what you should be doing, what advice would you give?

There is a way, and you're going to give it to them. What is your advice for life? You've got a good life. Not the way I would be doing it, but you've got a good life. This is like, no, I don't even, I don't, no, no, no. I don't trust myself with this stuff. Steve. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Steve Hernandez. Yeah. No. Oh, this is so telling. No, I just don't, I don't, you know, I think the most important part about a romantic relationship is having fun with someone.

Having fun with someone? Yeah. Just enjoying each other's company kind of thing? Yeah, having fun. I think that if you can have fun with someone, if you have a great time with them generally, then that's like a very important. 25% love, 25% values, 25% having fun. Don't know what the fourth one is.

25% value, shared values, shared values, 25% love. I don't think love's that big of a deal. Really? Yeah. Yeah. No, I've been in love a lot of times. Yeah. I know you haven't, but that's cause you have a still rock around your heart. Yeah.

That some lucky man's going to break into at some point. Yeah, I'm not going to fight you on that one, dog. Yeah, yeah. You pretty much wrapped me right up. His heart is like that thing in Entrapment, the lasers that you got to get through. Only for romantic love. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Other love I give freely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're saying shared values, love. Romantic love, shared values.

And then having fun, like making each other laugh, that kind of thing. What do you think the fourth thing would be? I would say sexual compatibility. A healthy sexual life. You don't think so? I mean, I just throw down so hard all the time, and I always have, that I can't imagine anyone not like, yeah, I guess for you guys in your young 20s. But I mean, women, they're not even coming in their young 20s, you know? Not if they're having sex with guys, but...

They're coming to get you for telling the truth. Yeah. They hate that we tell the truth. Girls aren't coming. That's what's so funny about age disparity relationships are age. Is that what they call it? Age disparity. Okay. When there's like an old guy and a young woman, I'm like, what do you, what do you want her fucking these young guys? Joe, you're saying you think they should be fucking older. No, no, no, no. That's I like that worldview that you have, but I'm still that to me. I, cause I, I tell as a bartender, I, I, I always say the same spiel. I tell the young girls cause they get crushes on me, you know?

And I tell the young girls, I go, nothing. You know I don't date anyone under 30. And then we count down to the years as they go there. And they're like, four more years. Some of these young girls come and they want to take a run at the God. And I'm like...

You're like, yeah, so I groom these young women. No, by the time they're 30, then we all realize that it's a joke. Yeah. They get 30 and they go, I'm good on it. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. It's for me too. It's for safe flirting at the workplace. You know what I mean? Trying to fuck Steve is like asking a rabbi if you can be Jewish. They have to refuse you a certain number of times. And then they bring you back in when they think you're ready. Yeah.

Oh man, dude, I can't trust me, man. Ever since me too, my game has changed for how so I just assume all these girls that are being nice to me want a mentor. That's all man. And fellas, you'd be safe to do that. If a young woman is being nice to you, DM and you a lot, they simply want a comedy mentor.

I actually think this is good advice. Yeah, I know. If more men operated from there, it would be a safer world. I'm not kidding when I tell you that I'm like, I'm so stupid that Me Too, I didn't think about that women, Me Too changed me dramatically. I did not think that women were constantly in fear from the minute they walked out the door of being circumcised.

Really? You didn't think about that? It didn't occur to me because I don't think that way. So all those stories legitimately helped me. And then now I know about power dynamic stuff. And truly now, any young woman is messaging me a lot. I just assume they want a career in comedy and a comedy mentor. It's interesting you say this because when you first said, Me Too changed my game, I tensed up and was like, oh, in my head I'm going, this is a moment we'll cut.

Because I'm like, what is he talking about? And I was like, is it a setup for a joke? But it actually is. What you're saying is actually true in the whole point of it, which is like a lot of people were sharing a perspective that if you're a man, you don't understand. And you learn about it and then you go, oh, okay, I get it. Yeah, a lot of stuff women talked about and that said, oh, I did something like that or similar. And they're not talking about...

But they're talking about all these weird gray areas where maybe a woman could walk away and just be uncomfortable or feel icky about something. And I don't want that for anybody. Yeah, you hit up. I think the gray area is what really that was trying to accomplish was being like the thing you're talking about where it's like you hit up someone you respect and you're trying to get a mentor and get ahead in your field. Whereas if a young man had done it, he wouldn't have been hit on. Yeah. But then you're hitting on this person all of a sudden. That's what you're talking about. Au contraire, young man. How would I hit on you? Yeah.

I would have got that ass. Nobody's safe. God. The men, I know how gross we are, so I go after it every time. I think that's fine. I think you can chase that. Yeah, yeah. Good. Steve, it was so good to have you on the show. Hey, thank you for having me. It's been a pleasure. I love you to death. I'm so glad that I met you. You sent me a sweet birthday message last week, and I was going to send something sweet back, but it has been a very blessing in my life to have you in my life. Thank you. You didn't send something sweet back, which I found very weird.

I said I love you. Yeah. But I mean, I didn't want to send it, you know, it doesn't hit as hard as what I just said now. True. I love you very much. And do you want to tell people what you're doing? You guys find me at Hernia on Instagram. And then I bartend and manage the Chatterbox in Covina. We have the best open mic in Los Angeles every Thursday at 8. And we have our weekly Sunday show we've been doing at...

Every Sunday at 8 o'clock. We've been doing them like 14 years now. It's one of the best shows in Los Angeles, even though it's technically not in Los Angeles. Yeah, we're stretching the definition of the word on that one. LA County. It's LA County. No, it's not far at all. Steve, you're one of the funniest comedians alive. Hey, if you're a fan of me, you're going to love Steve. Go follow him on everything. I love you so much. Love you too, Bubba. Thanks for doing it.

Oh my God, can we be done? This was not fun. This was... Steve was bad during that. This was long. This was too long.