Cringe and Self Loathing
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Hey guys, welcome back to this week's episode of Pretty Lonesome. It is currently 1.22 in the morning and I'm having to keep my voice down because I'm in my bedroom and my mum is sleeping in the other room. So it's going to be a bit of an ASMR episode. Also, I do have a microphone. I'm so sorry because I left it in my baggage, which is not with me. It did not make it back from New York with me. All three of my big bags are not with me. I just have like my little carry-on, which just had like you guys in it and a pair of dirty underwear. So we're working with what we're working with. And I also have like a flight at like 8 a.m.

Right now I'm dealing with the resurgence of an emotion that I have suppressed for years and that emotion is embarrassment and cringe. Guys, when I- okay, first of all, I banished the emotion of embarrassment and the feeling of cringiness from my life because I was like, this is the least helpful emotion. I banned cringe and embarrassment from my life like five or six years ago and I'll tell you why. So I was 16 and I used to write fanfiction. That stays between me and you, right?

Anyway, I had my first crush and it was on this girl and I used her name and her likeness in my fanfiction because I needed a new character and she found it and I to this day like I don't remember how she found the fanfiction because like it was on Wattpad and like I had a burnery account like I do not know how she found it but she did and then she basically was like is this about me? I was like no yeah that sounds like nothing like you anyway

Long story short, she read out the fanfiction to her group of friends and they were all much older than me. And I thought that they were all really cool. I had crushes on all of them. And it wasn't like they were bullying me, but it was like not good either. You know what I mean? Like they were obviously laughing at me, but like it was kind of done with love and malice. I don't know how to explain it. Like I wasn't getting bullied, but like it wasn't, you know what I mean?

why was I writing about it? Get the fuck out of your bedroom. I'm begging you. Anyways, months after that, maybe years actually, I couldn't even get a glimpse of the memory. I would physically recoil. It was one of those things where my actual face would change when the memory would pop up. I'd actually physically cringe. I would have to shake it out. You know what I mean?

And then I could move on with my day. But this was like hindering my life. This memory was hindering my life. Like it was every day for months, years, I would physically recoil. And so I was like, I have to do something about this. And so basically I came up with this like method and I picture, okay, where I feel my cringe is like here, like underneath the solar plexus. And so I was like, okay, I'm going to picture like a box here.

and then whenever this memory comes up i'm just gonna shove it as far into this box as it can possibly go and it really worked for me it was like a great technique like it did um like i can now think of that memory and it's like the emotions are in the box and the memory is hilarious to me i'm like oh my god lol what was wrong with me also it's because i'm older now and i'm like i don't write fan fiction anymore so i think that's hilarious why the fuck were you doing that but like once i started

picturing the box when I was like 16 it got way better so I was like okay and then after that I was like embarrassment is the dumbest fucking emotion because how can I sit here and be fully capable fully willing fully wanting fully yearning for something to before me and yet the only thing stopping me is that I'm embarrassed or I think I'll look silly like that is

fucking insane so i was like no this emotion is way too troublesome for me this is way too uh tricky this is this is this is much too hindering and it is worth nothing so i was like no i choose a life of no embarrassment or cringe also because i realized like when i was like 15

that tickling was psychological, right? Like I think I saw it online and I was like wait that makes so much sense like of course it's psychological because like I can't tickle myself because I'm physically, you know what I mean? And then I also read that you could decide that you weren't gonna be ticklish anymore. In your own brain you could make that decision so I was like I'm gonna wanna try. And then I have never been ticklish ever since. So like I'm very rarely able to be tickled. Like I can kind of let myself be tickled like I don't have to be ticklish anymore like it's not a thing for me.

So I was like, okay, I can do the same thing with cringe and embarrassment. And I did. And I didn't feel that emotion for years. Now, I will consider the fact that a lot of the reason that I did not feel that emotion was because I didn't see anyone for, like, five years. I went to university and I just, like, locked my door and, like, deleted my social media accounts and, like, just studied. So that may have played a hand in the fact that I didn't care what anyone thought of me. And I didn't have any embarrassing memories because I quite literally hadn't gone out since I was 15. But lately...

My life has changed a little bit and I am struggling. I'm struggling with my emotions and cringe in particular because what the fuck am I doing? I am constantly scared. Like, guys, so I had a social lapse. Not my first, but my worst by far, like by so far. And I'm like so insane. I actually think I have like an actual level of like trauma response to it. Like, I don't know what's going on in my body.

when I think about what I did, I actually like my heart sinks into my ass and nothing is ever going to be good in the world for me again and I just like don't know what to do.

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joyba on Instagram and TikTok at joyba.fun for fun giveaways and to find a retailer near you. Like, you know, when you're like really fucking sad or like when you were sad as a kid and you were like, nothing's ever going to be okay again. I'm never going to feel happiness again. And then you learn perspective and you're like, hey, that's not how it works. I will be happy again and the sun will rise, et cetera, so on and so forth. When I feel cringe, I'm like, no,

There is no light at the end of the tunnel. And if there is light at the end of the tunnel, I don't even deserve to get that because what I did was fucking embarrassing. And it's not like I killed anyone. I didn't do anything wrong. I just did something so embarrassing. Like, ew!

Ew. And you know what? No one knows what I did. Not only that, no one cares what I did. No one thinks about what I did. No one thinks about me. No one cares. I didn't really... It doesn't offend anyone except me. I can't name one occurrence, yeah, where anyone has done anything to me that I would deem embarrassing for them. Do you know what I mean? Like, I could name so many instances where I'm like, oh, I fucked up socially and, like, that's so embarrassing. I bet everyone still talks about it and laughs about it. I bet they all know me as the weird girl that, like, did that weird thing. You know what I mean? Like...

Like shook their hand when they went in for a fist bump or, I don't know, like hugged them when they clearly weren't trying to hug me. Like, no one fucking remembers those things because I don't remember a single thing. I've been alive all these years and yet I can't think of a single instance where someone else has embarrassed themselves in front of me. No one. So I'm like, you know what? The chances that they even remember, let alone give a fuck, so low.

However, unfortunately, I may have to change my name just in case. I might have to delete every single account I have on the internet and go live somewhere extremely remote. Unfortunately. I will cash out all the money that I have in the bank. You'll never hear from me ever again. I am absolutely terrified. And it's about to be fashion... Well, it is fashion month, which means a lot of socialising, a lot of going out, a lot of just meeting people and just trying to be your best self socially.

nightmare I'm having a nightmare because my confidence is low because I fucked up and I didn't even fuck up I did I didn't it's not that bad but it might be and I said I okay so like you know when you're really embarrassed you don't tell anyone that you did it you just like keep that one to yourself and like you think it's gonna get you I'm like I was laying down in bed I was like

the feeling will go with time, I just need to get through these first few weeks. Anyway, as I was saying, I don't remember a single embarrassing thing anyone else has ever done in front of me and like even if I did, why would I care? Like, I would just feel relief that it's not me. Like, if anything, you've made me feel good actually because thank god.

Like, I, there's a couple of things that have happened to my friends that I know, like, keep them up at night. Like, okay, for example, he's going to kill me. In my first year of university, this was actually, I, like, felt for him so bad. My friend, we were in the kitchen and we had a flat with 10 people in it. And I had, like, within those 10 people, like, two or three, like, real friends, right? And there was, like, five people in the flat that liked each other and then another five people in the flat. And we were kind of, like, feuding families, you know what I mean? Yeah.

One day, I'm in the kitchen with my friends and one of the guys turns to one of the other guys. He's just in front of 10 people, says, your breath smells, do you not brush your teeth? What the fuck possesses you to say that? Also, the same boy, one time, oh my god, I loved him so much, he was so strange. He, I've like not spoken to him in years, but he has like the biggest place in my heart. He was walking with this girl back from a lecture, right? And like a couple of my friends and

And he was like, it was like a girl to him, right? Like they were like talking I think or like texting whatever. Anyway, he asked her how she is or something like that and the conversation went dry, right? Which is like always uncomfortable, but you just pick it back up like you just fucking say something you mention the weather I don't know do something. Anyway, he looks at her and he's like cool. Then walks three paces in front of her and that's how they walk home because he was done with the conversation.

What a kink. He walked about half an hour, I think, three paces in front of this girl. Just walking separately, walking by himself. Cool. Insane behaviour. Guys, I actually really do need your advice, though. What do I do? Because I've had situations before, right? Like, I told you about the fanfiction. Like, that was fucking embarrassing at the time. And then, like, I got over it. And now I look back and I'm like, oh, shut up, bitch.

you'll be fine but this time will I be fine like I'm so embarrassed anyway it like was not that bad guys don't speculate okay don't take this out of context and put it on tiktok and then everyone will be mean to me because they didn't hear the story beforehand

Anyways, tomorrow, well today, in like six hours actually, I'm going to Milan. Uh, uh, Prada. I'm really excited. I'm actually really excited to go to the airport and get the fuck out of London respectfully. I don't like it here anymore. It's scary. Well, I'm not in London right now. I'm at my mum's, which is in the countryside. You know what's fucking embarrassing? I've run out of underwear because my suitcases did not come. I don't have my suitcases and my suitcases literally have my entire life in them.

I don't have a single pair of underwear. Like, I have the ones on my body and then I have like one other pair but they're not clean. Like, I need to put on a load of laundry but I can't just put on a load of laundry for those. And I hate hand washing underwear because between me and you, right, the soap is too strong and then I get issues. So, you know. But anyways, point being, I'm having clean underwear.

So anyway, I don't know what I'm gonna do about the cringe emotion that I've been experiencing, but like, there's just been so many small things that I've done lately where I'm like, ooh, you're weird. Like, why did you say that? That's weird. You know what I mean? Like, but then again, then again, I see other people do things that are objectively weird. Like, you're fucking, why did you say that? And why did you do that? Do you know what I mean?

And I don't care. Like, I'm not going to be mean about them in my head to myself. That's horrible. And then I'm not going to talk to anyone about it because then you don't get blessings from the universe. Like, that's not what nice people do. So I don't give a fuck. But like,

I don't know. To be fair, actually, you know how I said earlier that there's nothing anyone's ever done that, like, embarrass themselves that I think about regularly? I lied because I've just remembered something that someone did and it is so funny because I don't like this girl. Am I being really unfair by saying that? No. Yeah. No, I am. She's not wrong to me. It's just one of those people where you're like, I've not heard one good thing, you know what I mean? And I'm like, you know?

I'm gonna find out for myself if someone's good or not, you know what I mean? Like, I don't like to listen to, like, rumours. But then sometimes it's like, okay, you're actually asking for trouble. Like, you've- girl, you've had the reviews. Like, they're not even rumours, they're reviews. Okay? If you- if you're going to befriend her, you will pay the price. It's like, you know when you learn that valuable life lesson of, like, you know that girl that, like, never has any friends?

And then there's always the like canon event. Someone befriends her because they feel bad. And then they find out why she doesn't have any fucking friends. Yeah, I did that once. It was terrifying. Actually traumatizing experience. Like worse than any relationship explosion I've ever had. Like it was awful. Anyway, you know, I don't think I'm getting any sleep tonight. I haven't slept once the whole night through since I got back from New York. I got back a week ago.

Why do I have indigestion when I haven't eaten anything? That's actually not true, I had a curry for dinner. Why do I lie? It was like six hours ago though. Oh my god, I got a facial today. Guys, shut up. I actually got a facial today. Isn't my skin looking a little bit better? I just came off my period, so ignore like this breakout, but like generally, ignore my sideburns. Fucking hell. I need to figure out a way to banish cringe and embarrassment from my life all over again because...

There's actually no other way because I'm gonna say stupid things also I already had to banish myself from drinking alcohol because well I didn't banish myself, but I banished myself from doing it publicly because I Could not believe the things that I was doing like the thing. Okay, here's the thing when I went to university I remember like I used to get fucked up like My average drink for a night was three bottles of wine. Not kidding you three

three and I would genuinely still get up the next day like not hung over like I don't know what the fuck happened to me now like one glass of wine and I'm out for two days like I'm gone like that's it so I have to drink guys I want to cry because I'm so fucking ugly like I'm looking in the fucking viewfinder and I'm like why do you look like that my hair is greasy because I got a facial and they put the cream in it so like you know what do I expect at the end of the day but

it's making me want to cry i saw a video of myself i okay when i say i saw a video of myself i do of course mean i was stalking myself and i found a video that i posted like it must have been end of 2022 so like right kind of when i started my take and i had my fucking invisalign in my teeth were still crooked at this point like not the cutest i've ever been right because like i that was like when i was so insecure and i found this video and i was like

I do not look anything like that. I used to be so cute. This episode is brought to you by Mejuri. You know, I had a thought the other day. Since Rwanda jewelry becomes something we only bought on special occasions,

Mejuri approaches fine jewelry a little bit differently. Each one of their pieces is handcrafted by jewelers committed to quality craftsmanship as well as ethical and sustainable jewelry production. Created by women for women, Mejuri is breaking down barriers in what has long been an exclusive and occasional category of men buying for women.

In 2020, the brand launched the Missouri Empowerment Fund in support of higher education for underrepresented women and non-binary individuals. Because fine jewelry doesn't have to cost the world, feel good about your jewelry in more ways than one. Start stacking your favorites, shop online, or visit the website to find a store near you. I get the thing where girls are like jealous of themselves from a week ago because I get that all the time. I'll like look back at a picture from like three days ago and be like, I wish I could be like a girl.

like what is that mental illness called but like this time it hurt because i was like oh my god i actually don't look like that i don't know what was different like okay i was a little bit tan in the video and i had invisalign in so my lips looked bigger that's like the only reason i want to get invisalign again because a i've never worn my retainers so my teeth have gone back to being a little bit crooked but b big lips and then like i guess i had different hair like i had like a basically grown out mullet so i had loads of layers and i was like really cute

But I don't know what was different. Like, I look unwell compared to her now. So I don't know what's going on there. I'd like to get to the bottom of it. It's not something facial is going to fix. Like, I was... It was like an internal difference. Like...

I was eating something different. Or like, I don't know what it was. Maybe I was like more fertile back then. Sorry to say it. Like, I don't know what the fuck was different about me. I look like I've aged 70 years since then. Wait, I'm actually gonna stop hating on myself. Because it's actually stupid. But I did get a little bit sad. Because I was like, wait, I don't look like her anymore. Where does she go?

I'm so stressed because it's like stress is oozing out of my pores and self-loathing and anyway I like don't ever want to be one of those people to come online and be oh my god I hate myself oh my god but like it's actually what I've been feeling the whole like little while and it's actually been really hard to deal with like and on a on a serious note it's actually been really hard like I don't know what it is but

I have become like my own biggest bully. Like no one will say anything mean to me. Like I've never been like this. I've never really been insecure. I've never been really confident either. But I've never been insecure. Like I've never been like they hated me. Or like oh my god I looked stupid. Or like they have never really thought about it. Like I've just gone through life not thinking about that. Like not really caring what other people are thinking about me. Like it didn't really have an effect on me. So it just wasn't like a theme in my life to give a fuck about.

And now, it's probably because I'm being perceived in like a major way by like quite a few people. I feel like that might be overstimulating to the human brain. So there's probably a valid reason why I'm as scared as I am right now. But guys, shut the fuck up. I've just seen this and I have to show you. Oh, if you're not watching the visual version of the podcast, I'll explain it to you.

Cura Heat. Hey, listen to me when I say this. If you get period cramps, this is not a brand deal. I just saw this on my bedroom floor and I'm like, I have to tell you because I had a photo shoot basically and it was nine hours and I was on the first day of my period and I was like, fuck, I have PCOS. Like, I cannot stand on the first day of my period, let alone get into a million different outfits for nine hours straight. Like, I knew I was in for trouble. So I ordered these off of Zapp and

the Cura Heat 12-hour pain relief heat patch. It's really irresponsible of me because I'm not on my period right now. I'm just cold. But I am going to stick one to my body to show you what these are about. This is my last one. So they're like air activated. I don't know how the fuck that works. Like you just take it out of this and it starts heating up and then it just looks like a massive sanitary towel, which is like really cute. Like stick it to your stomach and have people think that you like missed.

By a mile, you know, anyway, it's just like adhesive and then oops wait So you just put it like wherever you get cramps probably lower down if you're on your period i'm just cold so but Yeah, and then you stick it on and it's like pretty Strong sticky. It's not like it's not the best like if I was at home I'd rather have like a whole water bottle but for being out and about like if you're working it is

I do not know how I didn't know. Like, I don't know how I didn't know these existed. Like, it changed my entire day. It was so good. Even just like knowing it was there as an option was good. And they last for so fucking long. Like, I ripped mine off when I got home and I like just threw it on my bathroom floor. And I like woke up the next day and I stood on it and I was like, why is it hot? It was still hot. Guys, cure heat. Please pay me. Can't wait for it to heat up. I'm actually freezing. My mom's house is so cold.

Guys, I did an interview today for Cosmopolitan. The girl was like, do you think that the job that you are in now has changed your perception of loneliness? Because your whole thing is like, you're always alone and blah, blah, blah. But do you think it's changed your perception of it? And I like randomly answered her in a way that like changed my perception of myself. I was like, wait, that makes so much sense. But I just like fucking pulled out my ass. And basically what I said, and I meant it,

But I was like, I think I'm now more scared to be alone than I used to be. Because I used to be one of those people that was so happy to go out alone. Never thought I needed a relationship. I loved my friends and I value them more than I value the sun. But...

Like, did I need them? Yes. But like, I wasn't scared to be without them. Like, it would have broken my heart to be without them, but I wasn't scared. Do you know what I mean? Like, I was like, so good by myself. Like, so good. Like, better. I was better by myself. I wasn't just good. I was better. Like, I thrived alone. And I guess I just, I'm lucky. Like, I grew up with a mum who loves me so much.

that I feel like I have that I have like I understand why someone without that would maybe seek like a relationship or seek other things like I don't think I've ever had to like outsource love I'm so lucky to be able to say that but like I've never I feel like I'm so secure with it that I'm just good to go out in the world and just be completely alone like I have what I need you know what I mean and my friendships are so important to me but

at the same time like I said like I wasn't scared to be without them I was I mean I'm like terrified to lose my friends ever that's like general but there wasn't like a lingering oh my god what if they go like what if something happens like I'll be fine I'm by myself that was how I was before now I said I was like now I think I'm actually a little bit afraid to be alone like if I was to lose my friends for whatever reason like whether they just like die in a freak accident or they decide they hate me and they leave

whatever the circumstances would be to mean I was alone, that scares me. I don't want to be alone. I couldn't be. And I was like, oh my god, wait, that is so profound and sad. I was like...

I realized it in that moment. Like, I just said it to her and I meant it. But it came out in a way that made me understand it. I was like, oh my god, wait, is that what I'm feeling? Like, I'm feeling terror. That's it. Great. Because I feel like everything has made me really insecure. Like, being able to see other people's perceptions of me and like,

It's not even really how other people perceive me because I feel like I get off pretty light in terms of like people being mean to me on the internet. Like I don't see much of it. I mean, I see it for sure, but like I don't feel like it's an overbearing percentage. You know what I mean? Like it's not in my face most of the time, which I'm very, very lucky about. So it's not really about what other people are saying about me, but like I think I'm so hard on myself because I'm like, you can't say anything. Look at all these people watching you.

So if you say anything that's annoying or stupid or like if you look a little bit ugly, then I don't know what it is. Like I'm so hard on myself. I did not used to be. And so now I feel like I'm insecure and like vulnerable. And I was like, yeah, it has to get to my perspective on loneliness because I need people to like love me now. Like I didn't need that before because I have myself now.

Now I feel like I've kind of not got myself in my own team. Like I'm like my biggest bully. Like I am being mean to myself all the time. Like judging myself to make sure that no one else is gonna. Like what I put out has to be judgment-free content. Because I've lost like my own best friend which was me.

I'm like I need other people like to fill that space which is probably a space that could never be filled if we're gonna get really profound and like I need to figure out how to like be nice to myself again and like be my own best friend because like also I used to enjoy traveling so much because it meant I got to hang out with me and like I loved it like oh my god like I loved hanging out with myself so much like

I would have dinner dates. Not like, oh, I'm going to have some alone time. No. I would plan my dinner date. What am I going to watch with her? What am I going to eat with her? What are we going to laugh about? Whose Instagram are we stalking? I would crack jokes with myself. I was having one-on-one time. It wasn't just one of me. It was the two of me and we were hanging out. I can't explain it. I was her best friend. I loved her. And we'd make pesto pasta and we'd grate cheese on it. And we'd watch family vlogs and we'd laugh. And it was great.

And like we just got on like a house on fire, you know? And now she bullies me. I don't like that. But what can you do? I guess I'll come out of it. It'll resolve.

I am craving my bed. Like, it's right next to me, I'm just staring at it. Can you see me? Like, giving it the eyes. I'm so excited to get in it. I don't- I have not slept one night since I got back. So I go back from New York at 6am UK time. I hadn't slept the entire flight and then I'm fucking exhausted. I get to my friend's house and I take like a four hour nap because I had to then go and shoot some pictures

for this like t-shirt and i wake up from this four hour nap feeling actually like i couldn't tell if i was awake or in a dream like i was so fucking tired you go take the pictures i come back i go back to bed i sleep until like 7 p.m then i get up i go out right where did i go can't tell you i slept not at all that night because guys actually had a nightmare

I can't name the people in this nightmare. I had a bad dream and it's played on my mind every day ever since. And it was the first night that I had jet lag. And I genuinely think if I hadn't had this dream, my jet lag would have resolved the first night because I was tired and I was ready to sleep. But this dream scared me awake. And I woke up like 3am, paralyzed with fear. And I tried to wake my friend up.

They wouldn't wake up. But I was too like, you know when you're too scared to even move in your bed in case the person that you believe is in the room hears you? I had a nightmare about somebody and then also Hunter Schaefer.

I don't know why, but basically the reason Hunter Schaefer was involved was I was in this elevator with a couple of my friends and Hunter Schaefer was in there and I trusted her because it's Hunter Schaefer and also a woman. So I'm like, yeah, I'll go into a room with you. So she leads me into this hotel room and then my kidnapper is in there who won't be named. Um,

I'm like, what the fuck? Like, hunty sheaf, like, you betrayed me. And then she turned her back. Guys, I was kidnapped, right? No one knows where I am. The nature of kidnapping, right? We moved locations during the kidnapping, like, four times. Like, we were in, like, four different houses. And at the end of every day, part of the routine was we'd all go to... He had other victims, like, I wasn't completely alone. We'd go into the basement...

and sit on yoga mats while he performed for us, like by force, like we had to watch. Anyway, one day he's performing and my friend rocks up and I'd forgotten who he was and I'm like, whatever, like I kind of remember you from like the outside world but I wasn't like relieved to see him because I'd like forgotten who he was. I wasn't like, oh my god, he's gonna help me. I was like, oh yeah, I like remember you. Then he overthrows, like my friend overthrows the kidnapper and we get out and

and I get put in one of those cars, like I remember there was like, guys this dream was so detailed, so there was like press, you know when like a kidnapping victim comes back and they will like try and photograph them when they like come out the hospital or whatever. So they like chauffeured me into this car and I'm like alone with some lady, I don't know who she was, and I turned to her and I said, how long was I gone? Like how old am I? How much time has passed? Bitch, she said I was 25 years old.

That's how long he had had me kidnapped. And I kid you not, that is how long the dream felt. Like there was a clear progression of time in my dream. I feel like I might have, like, if, like, certain dreams make me think like alternate realities are real and I just slipped into one. Because there's no way I wasn't only there for 10 minutes or half an hour, however long my dream was. Or even five seconds. Some people say dreams are five seconds. There's no way. Like I was there for two years.

three years even and i was kidnapped by hunter schaefer that was she was an accomplice and she was there the whole time by the way she did not leave like she was just skulking around like she never said a word to me she never really looked at me but she was like always there and i always kind of looked at her like you helped him the anyway i think the reason she's been on my mind was because she was on my flight and yeah she's been on the mind ever since you know i might be in love with her not anymore because she betrayed my trust but it's fine

The heat patch does take a while to, like, get to, like, peak heat. You know what I mean? But it is warm right now. But, like, okay, if you go and buy them because of me and then you say it didn't work but you only waited an hour, just please shut the fuck up and just, like, wait a bit longer, okay? It's my fault. Anyways, um... Also, shave your belly. Like, if you're hairy, like, when you shave your belly before you put them on. Actually, I don't have a hairy belly. Who said that? Okay.

you guys should shave your hairy bellies before you put the heat pad on you see what i mean like rumors and false accusations make me insecure like of course it does normally if i was in this kind of state of self-loathing and just miserableness i'd be like get out the house go see the world like fucking touch grass i've been in the world i've been experiencing things i've been happy and i still hate myself like what the fuck is that about

How do I fix this? Is there an antidepressants self-loathing version? I don't think those exist. I'm getting a bit nervous. But...

Good news. I did get my first ever prescription of Adderall. Yeah. So I'm going to try some. When should I do it? Fashion week? No. Yeah. Well, I have nothing else to do in Milan. Like, I'm only going for Prada and then I'll eat dinner alone, most likely, and fly home the next day. So I might just, you know, follow dinner with a little...

Adderall. Cheeky Adderall. I don't know. I'm kind of scared. Like, I do not dabble in medication. Like, I barely take paracetamol. And if I take too much paracetamol, I will have a panic attack. I will drive myself to the hospital. Like, I do not take medicine. I'm scared of it.

I have no philosophy behind that fear. I just am scared. Like, I think it's going to make me go crazy. I think it's because I had that one bad trip when I did those brownies when I was 18 and I've never touched anything ever since. I can drink, but that's it. So I'm like, I don't want to take... Like, I can't even say that works. I think it's an illicit substance. I don't think illicit's the right word, but anyway. ♪

Oh my god, does anyone else get the paranoia when you've come off of your period and you know you took your last tampon out but like can you ever be sure? You could have left it in there but obviously you're not gonna need to switch one out so who's to say, you know what I mean? I always think I've got one in there. I always think that I forgot one. I never check because I'm like, ah, I would know but like I don't want to go that far, you know what I mean? Like, no. But...

One time I was so convinced that I had left the tampon in and I was like I'm gonna get toxic shock and die here and I was in the middle of South Africa and I was like the nearest hospital was like two hours away and I knew that for a fact because when we got to the side they were like don't die because there's no hospital like just literally don't die and then I was like oh my god I'm gonna die so I went to the toilets and um anyway I didn't have a tampon left in so that was good.

Anyway, I went to get a facial today in Selfridges, but I've got facials by these people before it's Skin Design London. But today was the first time I went to the Selfridges. I walked out of there looking like I had just had my shit rocked in the back room. I looked like I had just been fucked.

It was great. My hair was like greasy. It still is because of all the like products and they like go in your hair and stuff, which is fine. My hair needs a wash anyway. And then my face was bright red and like completely damp, like dewy. I walked out of there like no doubt about it. She just got her shit wrapped in the back room. And I did. No, not like that though. I mean, in the better way. Anyways, I wish I had like a little spatula. Maybe I can make something with it.

Am I using this right? Maybe not. I think I'm just gonna like smother it on. You're meant to use it in conjunction with other things and I usually do. I just can't be bothered to be honest. I um... Do you guys think I'm ugly without my glasses now because you got used to my face with them? Be honest but say no. Thank you. Oh god it's freezing. I just went to go get it out of my car because it was in my boot. Oh my god ow it like hurts it's freezing. Yeah it's kind of nice. I'm using this as a spatula. This is probably not what you're supposed to do but it's fine.

It says it's BHA and AHA serum, peptides, antioxidants, and then some other words that I don't know what they mean. Also, I'm going to do a slick back in the morning because my hair is not greasy. Like, it's not. I cleaned it yesterday. But because there's so much serum in it, I'm going to have to wash it.

and I don't want to do it before I get to Milan because then I have like, aeroplane hair for the next three days and I know that's not really an issue but it is like an issue. I don't want aeroplane hair, that's gross. So, like I feel like it's poop hair. Like it's got poop air in my hair and anytime that like the wind blows my hair in my mouth or on my lip gloss I'm like, I have poop on my lips now. So, we can't have that. My hair makes me actually really anxious. It's like a big issue for my OCD hair because like,

It touches the back of, like, taxi seats. Like, when you think about it, like, my hair touches, like, seats and, like, I don't know, like, walls if I'm, like, leaning, maybe? Like, it touches so much. Like, airplane seats, for sure, it touches those. And, like, I'll flush the toilet in, like, an airplane or, like, a public restroom. Well, I actually could never flush a toilet in a public restroom because I fucking don't use them. They're gross. But, like, you know, I'm lying. Like, sometimes I do use them.

But when I use them I run away before it flushes like I flush it with my foot I open the door like I open the door like that lock flush the toilet with my foot and then I make a beeline Because I don't want the poop air going in my face You know, that's like the number one way things are transmitted is the poop air after you flush the toilet That's why I meant to put the fucking lid down But if you put the lid down the poop air comes this way instead of that way So you should still run and don't lick your kneecaps after be careful

I may have applied more than my skin can physically absorb, but I'm actually going to go to bed with it like this because treat yourself. I'm going to bed. My feet are numb and my face is, uh, ew. I've really given myself the ick with this podcast and I can't believe that I've admitted to the fact that I did something embarrassing that is so embarrassing. Don't tell anyone. It's just between me and you. Guys, it wasn't even that bad.

I'm gonna struggle sleeping tonight because it's not gonna stop popping up in my head okay anyways I love you guys and I will see you uh next week on pretty listen love you