Having OCD
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Hey guys, welcome back to this week's episode of Pretty Lonesome. I am currently a little bit stressed because I have like, oh how long, I don't know, like two hours until I need to be in a car on the way to the airport. So whatever, that's fine, I'm pretending like that's not real. Have I packed my bags? Half. I've like half finished packing, but all my like skincare...

cleanliness shit is still out. You know how it is. You can't not pack. You can't pack that, okay? Anyway, also I'm kind of scared because I've had to come to the woods for this episode. Usually I am either in the woods or in my driveway, but this week I'm at the woods and I haven't come here for like a couple of months and it's fucking terrifying. I don't know why I used to always do this. Like, why was this my spot? My come to? Like, there's a car next to me and there's no one in it. I'm like, oh, they're definitely just walking their dog, but why?

It's seven in the morning. Okay, fine. That's not that early. But I'm like, you're gonna kill me. Anyway, this week, I'm going to be talking a little bit about OCD. Because it's something I deal with. Okay? And God knows I don't know how to talk about anything that concerns anybody but me. So, OCD. Okay? So, here's what the thing. Okay? I didn't know I had OCD until like...

so recently because I feel like it's so misconstrued right like you see on the internet like someone turning a light switch off a bunch of times or like lining up fucking pencils and being like oh my god I'm so OCD and I always just had that same misconception of like OCD is when you like things a certain way or you need to touch things a bunch of times or you need to like check that the stove is turned off check that the door is like that's that was my vision of it

It's really weird and I don't know if anyone else is like this. In fact, I feel like lately it's the opposite. Not for me, but for like the internet in general. I hate adding a new abbreviation to my roster.

um because I feel like my roster is good and plenty and fruitful and I don't need any more um so you can imagine my shock and horror when I found out that I'm not just anxious and I don't just have loads and loads of anxiety I actually have OCD ADHD the list goes on but I don't know what the other fucking ones are called I have

hate this word i hate this word i can't spit it out but i have emetophobia i hate saying it i don't like it okay i have anxiety i have panic attacks i have ocd and adhd that is my roster and it's not getting any fucking bigger okay so stop telling me to take tests i'm not gonna

Anyways, when I found out I had OCD... Well, when I started to suspect that I had OCD, I was like, this makes no sense. Because the reason I don't like adding new things to my roster is I feel very attached to my things. I'm like...

no I finally understand how my brain works everyone get your fucking hands off me I don't have anything that you think that I have you're all crazy I know myself I'm dealing with this and then when someone suggests a new ailment I'm like are you fucking joking like no there's I'm not

figuring another thing out like would it make my life much easier and actually much nicer if I just knew then yeah like then you can like get help for it and like I don't know at least put a name to it okay I don't like it I don't want it I don't it's like go away it's a new homework assignment get the fuck off go away but OCD figuring out that I have it has been

Oh my God, life-changing. Because it is the thing, for sure, that I carry the most, like, shame about. Like, the things that I do that are the...

what I would have considered the worst things the things that I think that are like the worst parts of me that's all just OCD and now that I understand that I'm like oh thank god thank god I was getting I was getting really worried there for a second but it's just OCD apparently that's what the internet tells me anyway I'm like damn I hope you guys are right because otherwise I need to be uh locked up in a facility a maximum security one but it's fine apparently I don't apparently

I can stay out in the general population. Now, some of the ways I have OCD are more tame and typical. Should we go through my symptoms? Why not? Of course we should. This is Madeline's show. One of the things that I do that is...

really fucking annoying and it's really mean is I'm quite judgmental of other people's hygiene. Now, guys, I don't tell you how much it pisses me off that the internet has taken the line that I am unhygienic and run with it, okay? It makes me furious because it's part of my OCD that that makes me irrationally angry. And I've really...

I've really tried to keep a bottle on that one and I haven't said anything. I've been a very good girl, okay? But when... Okay, and I know this is wrong, but if I see somebody else get sick with the flu, with a stomach bug, with... Like, anything that's, like, a virus, bacteria... Like, I'm not talking about, like, they get, like, a chronic illness. I'm talking, like, you ingest bacteria and it makes you sick for three days. When I see that happen, I...

And I know it's wrong. I get annoyed at the person because I'm like, you dirty bitch. You put your hands in your mouth. You are putting the rest of the population at risk. Now, is that rational? No, I don't even agree with that thought. That's what OCD is. I don't agree with any of my OCD thoughts. They're all evil, deranged and mean. Okay. And I don't agree with any of them. And I'm learning.

That's the most precious thing I've learned. I'm learning that that is what the premise of fucking OCD is, okay? Your brain is literally just trying to drive you insane. So whenever someone else gets sick, I'm like,

Ew. Dirty. Even though I know that's not true. And I get sick and I don't think of myself as dirty, but my OCD will be like, you fucking failure, bitch. I thought you were like mentally ill. I thought you meant to wash your hands all the time, but clearly you don't. You slack because you're lazy. You can't even do fucking mental illness right. And now look at you, you disgusting cesspit. That sucks.

is how I think. And that comes from a sore throat. And I'm laying there like, bitch, I'm already ill. What the fuck is your problem? And then it's just me and my brain bickering back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.

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Follow Joyba on Instagram and TikTok at joyba.fun for fun giveaways and to find a retailer near you. OCD takes up, I would say, 80% of my thought space. And I didn't even know that until I knew that I had OCD. And then I was like, oh, I'm actually suffering. What is going on up there? I remember it was one of my earlier relationships and I...

I was having a panic attack. And I am very, very, very good at disguising when I'm extremely anxious or panicking if I'm in front of someone else because...

above all, my main emotion, like that dominates my life, the main emotion that dominates my life is shame. Okay? It always has been. I fear that it may always be shame. And I am so good at hiding the way that I feel when it's in some kind of like urgent situation like that. You will not know unless I have hit some kind of breaking point where I am genuinely convinced that my life is about to end, which happens frequently. But

not in front of people. So one time I'm in this relationship, I haven't really told her the way that my brain works because it's so second nature to me. OCD is second nature to me, also I'm ashamed.

Being scared of vomit, second nature to me, also I'm ashamed. Being anxious, having panic attacks, all of it. I'm just like, oh, she doesn't need to know about this. This is just something that goes on in my head and whatever, whatever, whatever. Then we're in a relationship one night, wake up in the middle of the night. I'm like, oh my fucking God, I can't breathe. And I hate when they get me in the middle of the night because they're so much scarier. Because I'm like, what fucking causes this? I wasn't even conscious. What the fuck? Anyway, so I wake up in the middle of the night. I'm like having a panic attack. I'm like, oh shit. So I crawl out of the bed that we share and...

And I go down this ladder because we were in like a...

I don't know how to describe this house. It was like a hut that we were living in. Anyways, I climbed down the ladder and we had this little porch out the front. So I take my laptop and I go sit out on the porch and I'm playing this Ed Sheeran song that helps me calm down. I'm like actually rocking back and forth and it's like the dead of winter. Okay. I am like borderline naked. I'm like in my fucking thong and crop top that I was sleeping in. I'm like boiling hot.

Okay, I'm like rubbing my body against this cold, slippery, like icy wood because I was trying to cool down. And it's like a whole thing. I'm like having a really bad panic attack. Oh my God, why is there so many cars coming? Guys, fuck off. I'm embarrassed.

I'm trying to podcast. Do they not get that? We're trying to podcast? Anyways. Oh no, because he's like fully going to park up next to me. You know what? Fuck it. Fuck it. Who cares? Oh, he's not even parking next to me. Perfect. So I'm like having a manic attack, okay?

she comes outside and she's like are you okay these those things you've like mentioned and i was like yeah you need to go inside like i i you can't be here right now like you're gonna make this worse for me she was like no like let me help i was like get the fuck inside right and i snapped at her in a way that i can't snap at you if i'm not in that state like that doesn't come out of me if i'm not in that state and anyway she did she went inside she went back to bed and i like stayed outside having a massive fucking panic attack for like half an hour um

Anyway, the point of that story is after that, she was so shocked at what she saw because I was so intensely terrified and she'd probably never seen anyone do that. Like, it's very rare, I think, to reach that level of terror unless you're in, like, a...

genuine dangerous situation. So she probably had never seen that in anyone. Like, unless she had seen someone else have that type of panic attack, which chances are, like, relatively low, I feel, then she's never seen that before. And it's really scary to see it. Like, I think I would rather experience it than see it sometimes, because it's really bad. Anyway, point being, she was like, what was that? Like, you need to explain to me, like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like,

We're in a relationship. I didn't even know that you're struggling like this. Like, how often does this happen? And so I was like, why do you need to know? And she was like, because this is clearly like a huge part of your life. This is when I realized that if I were to sit down and try and explain to her how all of my little ailments affect me mentally and what my thought processes are and what my life looks like inside my head, we probably wouldn't be in a relationship anymore.

And that's when I realized I need to go to therapy because I realized that I couldn't bring myself to sit there and tell my girlfriend, yeah, 85% of my thoughts throughout the day are about infections, diseases, germs, intrusive and invasive thoughts that I don't want. And then I have to spend loads of time convincing myself why I didn't want to have that thought. And...

I'm just like consistently analyzing the way that you're washing your hands over and over again in my head. And just like, also I'm thinking about that time I went out the house three days ago and whether or not the pathogen entered my body. Do you understand? I realized I couldn't sit there and tell her that 85% of my day is spent on this. When she's spending 85% of her day probably thinking about me. You know what I mean?

I was like, yeah, I don't think about you. I don't have time in my fucking day. Like, I don't know how else to describe this to you, but I do not have time. Like, I'm fucking booked and busy, bitch. And I think this is why, upon further, uh,

thought upon this very second right now. This is just on on me. I think this is why my life and a lot of like neurodivergent people's life get significantly more enjoyable when you have a crush because it takes you away from like a lot of those thoughts that you can't control. All I need is a stronger obsession, okay? An obsession stronger than the...

mundane things I've been obsessing about my entire life, like germs, I realized that having a crush, it takes you away from all your like, the thoughts that you're like regularly going through. And then you're so focused on this one thing that like life becomes euphoric. And this person has saved you from all that. And

I think that's why I am so happy when I have a crush, even if it's a small one, even if it's like a workplace crush. I'm like, fuck, yeah, my life just improved by like 90%. Because now I'm thinking about you rather than the fact that

Mary's not washed her hands in four hours and we're sharing a till. You know? I don't know. Just a little food for thought. Just a little food for thought. So once I realized that my OCD was taking up such a large... Oh, not even just my OCD. My OCD, my anxiety, my panic attacks, my everything was taking up

so much of my mental space, I couldn't help but wonder, what the fuck would my life be able to look like if this wasn't a thing? Not only that, who would I be? Because I didn't realize until it came to trying to explain my daily thought processes to somebody else, I didn't

ever realized before that how big of an issue I was facing. Because it's just been so second age to me. I think especially when you've been a certain way from very young, like I have, like I think all of this probably started for me when I was six and it's just got gradually worse. And then it hit like a ceiling. I hope it was a ceiling, but it got very bad when I was 13, 14. And it was just bad, like until I was like 16. And then it

I went to a lot of therapy and I got a little bit better. And since then, my life has been able to

fit around it. But I think when you, especially when these kind of thoughts start creeping in from so young, it literally is part of your identity. I always think about this. I remember when I was like 14, my mom was at her wit's end with me. And I hadn't left the house in like a fucking year. And she was like, right, we're going to this like energy healer. I don't know. I was a very gullible 14 year old. So this guy, this energy healer, he's like,

I'm going to pick the anxiety and the fear out of your energy field, out of your aura. And I'm going to dispose of it for you. And you're not going to feel this way anymore. And I was like, oh, perfect. I didn't know it was that easy. I haven't left the house in a year and a half. Where have you been? You know, I was like, okay.

And I remember sitting in like the waiting room and being like, well, if this guy's legit and he can just fix my issues to me like this, which I had some level of belief that he could. I was like, well, hold on. I'm not ready. And I remember savoring the feeling of being anxious because I was like, well, if this is my last time feeling this way, I'm going to miss it. Like, I don't know where I am without this. I don't know who I am. And I remember being so scared because I was like, well, what is my life going to look like after today? Like he's about to take away my entire life, like which is anxiety and fear. Like I'm homeschooled because of this.

I'm everything I am is because of this. Like, what the fuck am I going to do? Now you're taking it. Obviously, I wanted him to, but I was like, wow, it's crazy. Like, I'm not even going to be myself anymore. Now, unfortunately enough for me, obviously, that didn't fucking work. I mean, because I believed in it. I think it did have a genuine placebo effect for like a week. But that was, you know, all.

Because actually, I'm not even going to lie, I went to the park after I got my anxiety picked out of my energy. And I hadn't been to the park in like a year and a half. And there's pictures of me and my sister running around the park that day, which so you know, there was at least some placebo, which is pretty good going. Because I was pretty hard to crack at that age. But

Whatever, not the point. But yeah, I don't know where it leaves you is my point. Like, even if you were to have a magic fix tomorrow, like if a fucking fairy came down to me and she was like, I'm going to take away one of your rosters. Which one do you want? And I was like, okay, take my OCD. She would be like, okay. She takes it. And then I'm like, what the fuck am I meant to think about now? Like, I just can't perceive a world where I have enough time in my head to think about other things. And I can't dwell on this fact.

for too long that I can't think about anything else because that is when my rage kicks in and I'm like what the fuck because I even forget that other people aren't like this I forget that other people live their life without obsessing over unpleasantries okay I forget that other people are out here trying to make a career trying to make a life trying to be happy and they don't have this what fucking fairness is that that's not fair

So wait, my competition, okay, is out there with 80% more time in the day because they're not fucking obsessing over the germs in the air. They're not visualizing the germs. Whoa.

that's not fair. And I remember the first time I ever thought about that, I got very angry. And so now I try to ignore that fact because I'm like, yeah, that's just the way it is. There's nothing you can do about it. So there's no need to sit in your room and be angry about it because it's not their fucking fault that they're lucky.

But whatever, it still makes me angry. And I think that I'm allowed to feel that. It's just not productive. So I try not to because what's the point in being angry? It doesn't get us anywhere. But also part of the reason I didn't know that I had OCD coming back to that is like growing up, I had a sister. I still have her. She still exists. And she, oh God, I hope she doesn't mind me saying this. I'll check with her in a sec. But she has Tourette's.

And a lot of her Tourette's is kind of looks like the typical stereotype of OCD.

Which is really interesting. And we didn't know that she had Tourette's for quite a while when we were growing up. One of her things that I actually think is much more related to Tourette's than OCD, but again, I'm probably misspeaking because I don't know and I'm sure there's all kinds of explanations. But she would do the classic thing of like,

touching something a bunch of times until it felt right. So every time before I'm going to sleep at night, I would hear her like smashing her drinks bottle down on her bedside table until she felt like it was good enough. And she would like turn a light on and off a bunch of times and she would do all of that and she would like click her door closed a million fucking times. And that was always her thing. And I remember...

one time I was like Jess can you help me put on my glasses I put these like my glasses on my face and I was like I didn't have wait what was why did I ask her to do that I don't know maybe my hands were like dirty or something I was like can you push my glasses up from my nose to like push it up and I remember seeing her hand reach out to my face and her being like you shouldn't have asked me to do that because it meant she was gonna smash my fucking glasses against my face until it felt right because she has to and I just had to sit there and take it and I was like oh fuck anyways

That, so, because I was always witnessing this, like, very overt display of, like, what everyone thinks OCD is in my sister, I was like, oh, no, Jess is the OCD one. That has nothing to do with me. Had everything to do with me, unfortunately. But I always just think, like...

That's interesting. Like people really have like strong ideas about something. But then again, I didn't ever think that I had anxiety. I thought that I was just dying and that that made more sense to me because I was like 13 when I started to get frequent enough panic attacks that like my school started to pay attention.

And so I would have a band exact and I would cry and I would put my hand up and I'd be like, I need to leave the class. I'm sick. I need to go to the nurse. My teacher would be like, okay, Madeline, you big skiver, you big faker, go to the nurse. Now, the fact that any teachers had the heart to ever be mean to me at school is insane. 13-year-old me was the size of an actual seven-year-old, okay? And I never caused trouble. And so why is it that I start having these genuine...

concerning looking episodes and the teachers are like you little troublemaker you get the out my classroom you're always skiving we hate you you're not having you don't have anything wrong with you you're just a bad girl now we're gonna fine you money because you're not been in class

Bitch, have you fucking met me? Bear in mind, I'm three years into this school. I've been, oh no, two years. Two and a bit years. This is year nine, okay? I still am like physically a seven-year-old. I had not hit puberty. And I am still small now, okay? I am five foot three now. Could you imagine me pre-pubescent? I was fucking tiny. And not only that, I was one of those kids that was like skinny to a point of concern, okay? I...

And I hated it. And I still hate it. But like, I was one of those kids that looked unwell, but like, you knew they ate. You saw the meat and everything was fine at home, but they just couldn't gain weight. That was me. And I remember I hated it because my knees were like knuckly. Like they literally were huge and my legs were like so skinny. And so my knees like protruded out of my school tights and like, they just looked so big at the bottom of my school skirt.

Oh, God, it was a fucking nightmare. Anyway, point being, there was no need to think that I was faking anything at school. Okay, I was like this sweet little baby child. And then like, I'm having a genuine issue. And all the teachers like, fuck you. Why would you do this to us? Okay. And I'm like, what the fuck?

This episode is brought to you by Mejuri. You know, I had a thought the other day. Since Rwanda jewelry becomes something we only bought on special occasions, Mejuri approaches fine jewelry a little bit differently. Each one of their pieces is handcrafted by jewelers committed to quality craftsmanship as well as ethical and sustainable jewelry production. Created by women for women, Mejuri is breaking down barriers in what has long been an exclusive and occasional category of men buying for women.

In 2020, the brand launched the Missouri Empowerment Fund in support of higher education for underrepresented women and non-binary individuals. Because fine jewelry doesn't have to cost the world. Feel good about your jewelry in more ways than one. Start stacking your favorites, shop online or visit the website to find a store near you. So back to OCD, okay? Once I understood that symptoms were not typical and they weren't like

touching a door knob a bunch of times or like even I never even thought I had OCD because the way I'm obsessive about germs because I understood where that was coming from that was just like

fear thing like I was only washing my hands because I understood that there were germs on them it wasn't like a compulsion I just did it because it made me more comfortable even though I did it a hundred times a fucking day I was like this I had an understanding of like what was what so it came as a shock to me when I found out I had OCD because I was like well I don't have any of the classic symptoms but it turns out I do I just don't understand what the classic symptoms are because I've been fed the same stereotype as everybody else

And it would have really helped me if I knew a little bit earlier that I had it. Because then I could have discounted a lot of what I was thinking and, like, going around in circles in my head about. Because I would have understood, like, it's really not that deep. Like, this is literally your brain trying to piss you off. Like, the more you play on this thought, the more the thought is going to come. Like, and it learned me a long time. It learned me a long time. Yeah, nice. What I'm kind of doing now is...

It's hard for me to tell the difference between an anxious thought and an OCD thought. A thought that I do agree with and a thought that is unwelcome and doesn't align with me. That's kind of how I differentiate like an intrusive thought versus an anxious thought. And I will dwell on an anxious thought because I know that that kind of helps me and I don't like to bat them away completely because...

It just isn't productive for me. I'll end up more anxious. But when it's a thought that comes into my mind that I'm either grossed out by or just don't agree with in any way, like it doesn't align with my belief system or my ethical beliefs, I'm like, okay, well, this isn't even me. Like, this thought didn't generate from my heart or...

my intentions and it makes it a lot easier to bat it away because once I understood that they weren't really representative of something that I wanted or wished for or cared about

I was like, okay, let me try not arguing with myself over them then. Because if I already understand that this is nothing that I did or nothing that I want or nothing that I will ever do or will ever want or will ever care about or will ever believe, you know, then I don't need to spend five minutes convincing myself of that every time I have one of these thoughts. If I genuinely know that and genuinely believe that this isn't anything to do with me, then I should be able to save myself a little bit of time in the day, right?

So what I started doing was every time I would get one, rather than sitting there and arguing with them, trying to reassure myself, I would literally...

focus on something else but not in a way don't think about that don't think about that don't think about that just in a way of like oh damn it my pants are like through like a pilling now i probably need to buy some new ones and like the whole thing of like five things you can see five things you can smell five things you can hear dude it fucking works like sometimes you just need to reroute your brain and i'm pretty sure after enough time of doing that your neural pathways like

change differ die whatever the fuck grow new ones I don't know but I've noticed like such a big difference for me not trying to defend myself after I have a thought that I like and don't want to have for me a lot of the thought side of my OCD is about germs and about things that are going to happen if I were to come into contact with germs or someone else would come into contact with germs

A lot of it is just bullshit about that. But then also a lot of it is like horrendously violent, but only ever towards myself, thank God, because I know the other way around. I know a lot of people have that. That would give me really bad anxiety. But I have like very bad anxiety

invasive i hate talking about this very bad invasive thoughts about like my eyeballs are a huge one for me i'm always trying to fuck those up and it's just and like i usually will have like a visceral reaction to like one of these thoughts because it's so unpleasant i'm like like i can't believe my brain just came up with that i don't even watch horror films i don't even know how it knew to do to say that but i'm like so shocked and like oh you know disgusting um

And I really hate talking about this shit because I'm like, what if people are like, no, you do want that. You are crazy. You are going to go drive all that. I'm like, oh my God, shit. You're right. I am. Fuck. And then that's when I get myself locked up. ASAP. Please be nice. Anyway.

I think my least favorite thing is when my OCD gets projected onto someone else. Like for example, when someone gets ill and I'm thinking mean things about them or whatever it is, whatever it could be, that is my least favorite because I can spend all day going round and round in my head saying mean things about myself and I'm like still gonna be pretty happy at the end of the day. I'm like, yep, just another normal day in my brain, you know, talking shit about myself. But when it starts getting...

Getting put onto someone else, I'm like, oh, damn, I really am a horrible, evil girl. Like, that was, you know, it's just uncalled for. And I find it harder to let myself believe that these aren't real things that I'm thinking or wanting.

when it becomes about somebody else because I don't want to take that risk. You know, like I'm very much... I can't not hold myself accountable for anything I am fucking doing. Honestly, I wish it was easier for me to be a little bit of a shit person sometimes because I'm like...

I can't do anything wrong without dwelling on it for years, months. I'm being serious, months. Like I step one foot wrong. I'm slightly mean. I'm slightly rude. I do someone slightly dirty or my intentions are slightly off.

oh my god I will not let myself rest until I have repaired whatever broken dirty bone in my body made me do that and it's honestly a hard way to live like I'm it's like accountability to the max because I think I genuinely don't believe I deserve to be here if I'm not a good person but I don't believe that about anybody else everyone else I give grace to everyone else I give space to and I'm like but me no she must be perfect

So when I'm like having these horrible, unwelcome thoughts about myself and like murdering myself via eyeball gouge, I'm like, this is fine. You know, this is really stressing me out. I'm actually having a really hard day today, but it's fine. I don't feel guilty about it. It's just me. But then when someone else has the flu and I'm sat there like they should just take you off the face of the earth.

That's when I feel bad. Because I'm like, look, I know I don't agree with what my brain just said, but I still feel really terrible about it. Because what the fuck? Like, I can't write it off so easily. Because like,

That's someone else. That's not just silly little old me. I've just been mean to someone else. Yes, in my head. Yes, I would never say that out loud. But I still must now pay the price for that, which is months long of mental torture, believing that I may just be the worst person who was ever born. And I think that's honestly, I think that's OCD too. Like, it's hilarious because why is my OCD making me think the most heinous thoughts known to man?

but then also making me obsess over being a good version of myself. And if I'm not being the best person I can possibly be, well, then I deserve jail time. What the fuck? You see why I'm busy? You see why I have no space in my brain? I am extremely busy up here, okay? There are

So many conversations going on at one time you couldn't possibly imagine. So the concept of marriage and kids, are you fucking kidding? Do you know how busy I am? Okay, and you know what's interesting to me? I have the same conversations with my own brain every day. Every day. And I never come to any kind of conclusion. Isn't that so fun? Like, I would be okay with this if I at least got me somewhere. Okay, if I at least had something to...

Well, that was a good, interesting intellectual conversation. And I have now got this outcome out of it. And I now understand this. And I now feel this way about this. And hey, look at this. I've changed a bit because of the conversation I had. How great. Look, if that ever happened, I'd be like, you know what?

it's not the end of the world it's not the most pointless thing ever and he's done like having good conversations and getting somewhere with them but i'm not i'm just having the same conversations every day how long has it been 10 years i've been like this for 10 years i am so impressed with myself for even having an education because like where did i find the time how smart would i be if i didn't have ocd dude do you know what that makes me actually the saddest

And I try not to think about it because I can't change it. And it's not what I can change it, but it's not like I can't change the past and like go back to school and do school without all of this. Like that's never going to happen. And like what's done is done. But I do sometimes I sit around and I'm like, who would I be if this never happened? Like I always, this is my literal Roman empire. So I developed all of this to a level of like, you can't do anything else.

When I was 13. So one day I was fine. The next, I was having panic attacks. And then those kind of gave way to my OCD. And then everything just blew up in my face when I was 13. And then I spent the next three years of my life completely housebound. Completely terrified. Couldn't go anywhere. Couldn't even go sit in my therapist's office because I was convinced I was going to die if I left the house. And so it's like, I...

lost so many years of my life. And I don't feel sad that I lost those teenagers because I don't ever think... Like, I wasn't... I didn't die. Like, I didn't lose them. They were just very different than most people's. But I do sometimes sit and think, like, what would have been my life if I didn't ever have that happen? Like, what if I stayed at school from...

what if I never left school? What if I never had to go to therapy? And what if none of this ever happened to me? And what if I just lived my life without being terrified all the time? And

Who the fuck would I be? It is so far from anything I can imagine that I don't even bother think about it because I'm like, well, I don't know what would have come at me. Like, maybe I would have failed all my classes. Maybe I would have got really into drinking. Maybe I would have taken a bunch of drugs because I'm not scared of throwing up. Like,

anything could have happened. I could have been the worst person you've ever met. I could have got the wrong friends. I could have, or I could have done really well. And I could have gone to a good university. I mean, I did go to a good university, but I mean, like I could have gone to a really good university and I could have made different friends because I went to a different university than I actually did go to. And I, all these things, all these possibilities, like who the fuck would I be if I experienced life

in those three years of development because I didn't experience life. Like, I experienced life just very differently. Like, I didn't have friends. I wasn't... The weirdest thing for me... So...

I left school at 13 and I went back at 16. And I remember going back and on my first day, I realized everyone had grown up and I had stayed completely still. And I had grown up in many ways. Like I was very mature in terms of like my mental health, taking care of myself. And I had an understanding of some very mature topics that a lot of my like school friends didn't. But I remember I went back first day, year 11, which is...

the 10th grade and I went back into my old group of friends that I hadn't seen for three years which didn't last fucking long by the way but the first day they were like come sit with us I go sit with them except they've accumulated some boys there's a couple new girls whatever everyone looks completely different and I realized I haven't matured socially like I am still my year eight

13 year old personality because I don't know how else to be like I haven't seen you since then and I haven't seen anyone since then like I realized just how much I had missed out on the first day back when I was like oh shit

Everyone has years on me. I don't know what I'm doing. And then I didn't speak 21 for the rest of the year. I just sat by myself at lunch. I'm not kidding you the entire fucking year because I was like, let me just not try and do anything socially. Let me just try and get my fucking exam grades because Jesus Christ. I said, I've had enough. But...

I wish I had come at you with more advice this podcast, but this is really one of those things where I'm like, I don't have any like, this is really, I mean, maybe I do. I think I underestimate myself a lot. And I'm like, Oh, no, I should believe myself. Like I have been at this for 10 years. I think I do have a lot of good advice. But I think it's kind of one of those things that

it's very hard to give advice on. Like, it's almost like you just need to suffer. It sucks. But I think it's just one of those things where I'm like, I wouldn't understand my own advice if I hadn't gone through a little bit of shit first. I don't know. You know what I do think is good about OCD, though, and having like very intense anxiety, especially from a young age, is it kind of gave me, and I think it should give everyone, and I hope that it does, a sense of like,

self-righteousness in terms of when people treat me badly because I've spent so many years suffering in my head that I'm like, and I've come out the other end in a large way. I mean, I know I'm sat here, like I still think about it 80% of the day and I do, and it's true, but I don't feel like I suffer very much at the hands of that. Like I'm still like, look at me, I'm going to France in two hours. Okay. I have a very, very good life. And I,

The more that I interact in the physical world, the less I have time to think about everything else, which is why I love traveling so much. I just love being engaged and I like having a job that is like kind of crazy and busy and new every day because I don't have time, especially when I'm on the go.

to be thinking about crazy shit unless my anxiety is really really high and there's nothing else i can do but think about it and whereas when i'm alone in my room that's when it's going crazy so but anyway what i was saying is it gives me this sort of like self-righteousness of like i have come out the other side of this and yes i'm still struggling and yes it's still a huge part of my life

But look where I've been and look what I've gone through in my head and look how much I've defeated that. And so it gives me the ability when someone else comes into my life and tries to treat me badly. Absolutely not. I'm sorry.

I do that well enough. Get the fuck out my face. Like, I just, it breaks my heart to think that 16-year-old me fought so hard for us to be able to be outside. And she was so scared, but she was doing it anyway. And she laid the groundwork for me to be able to go outside every day and make money and live such a special life.

it makes me sick to think that I would then bring some psychopath into my life and let them treat me like shit. Like, no, you could treat me like shit, but you can't treat her like shit. And unfortunately she is still me. So it's not going to fucking happen. Not this time. Like, I just don't, when people treat me badly, I'm like,

no, but sorry, you can't because I've worked too hard to be happy for you with your unhealed bullshit to just come in here and fuck me up. No, like go to therapy. I went to therapy. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. It was the scariest thing I've ever done. I fought my fucking demons. You can too. But...

But the thing you cannot do is come into my home, my car, and treat me like shit because you can't be bothered to fix yourself. No, no, no. No, I rebuke it. Absolutely fucking not. I've worked way too hard and you haven't even tried. So you can get the fuck away from me, okay? No, no, it won't happen ever again.

See, I like to look at things one of two ways. I can either sit and be like, oh yeah, OCD for sure ruined my life. Because that wouldn't even be the most far-fetched thing to say, I don't think. It really wouldn't be. I have had a hard time because of it, and I continue to do so. And I can imagine that if I never had any of this go on, then I would probably be a happier person for sure. But, but...

I might be really fucking boring and I might be addicted to drugs and I might be mean and I might be insensitive and I might be all these other things. So I'm like, I can never just sit here and be like, yeah, well, it has a harsh effect on me. So it's ruined my life. No, it might have saved my life. I don't know. I don't know what would happen if I didn't have this. I don't know who I would be. And I can grieve that. I'd be like, oh my God, I don't know who I would be if I didn't have OCD or

Or it can be like, you know what, that might be for the best. Because like, I think, first of all, it wouldn't suit me to not have this. I think I've always been someone who has to have a little bit of spice and just like, I came out this way. You know what I mean? It's not like something completely unprecedented happened to me. Like, I think when I started to have panic attacks and like be kind of crazy, my family was just like, yeah, like, yeah, this one makes sense. I don't know. And like, I've just definitely always been more of like a...

in your face kid and like I can't imagine a life where this didn't happen or like I can't imagine a version of myself that doesn't feel this way because it kind of just makes sense but then I'm like I know I only say that because it's been here for so long that I'm like it kind of has to make fucking sense at this point

But I choose not to be too sad over the fact that I am this way because, first of all, there's no point because it's not going anywhere. Second of all, it might have saved my life. Like, I don't know, you know? Like, I always just have this mindset. Like, when I found out, when I was looking for housing in my, like, second year of university, me and my friends applied for this one house and

and we should have got it, but we didn't. I can't remember what the reasoning was, but they didn't let us have this house, and I remember thinking it was the coolest house ever. It had, like, this whole... I don't know what it was. It was kind of like a basement, but it was, like, done up, and it was, like, a uni student house. Like, only students would ever live there, you know?

And it had this cool basement with this cool tile flooring and it looked out onto the garden and it had like a big fish pond. And that's just rare for uni housing. It had this big kitchen. The bedrooms were disgusting. Like it had like an old hotel carpet, like furry, but like rug, like you couldn't lift it up. All over the top floor of the house. It definitely was growing ugly.

rare bacteria but like it was such a cool house we should have got it and we didn't and we ended up living in the worst house you could imagine like it was damp it was moldy it was tiny we had no shared space it was tiny like the kitchen was the shared space and it was basically a tiny kitchen with a tiny couch in the corner um and that was our kitchen diner it was disgusting it

and it was freezing cold. And the walls, they didn't even hit the ceiling. Because what you get in a lot of uni houses, especially in the UK, is they'll take a nice, normal house, and the landlord will put in a bunch of fake walls all throughout the house to make extra rooms so that they can charge...

six uni students rent rather than host three people. So you get a bunch of like fake dividers that give you little tiny bedrooms. And she had obviously done that, the landlord, but very badly. And she had not put

The walls didn't reach the ceiling. Like, I don't know how else to describe that to you, okay? Because they weren't, like, structurally integral to the house. They were just fake. Like, they were just, like, to make it look like there were meant to be rooms where there weren't meant to be rooms. I get it. But it was really obnoxious. Hold on, I need to... Oh, God.

I can't turn my- My heating won't come on. I'm fucking freezing. Do you guys think it's going to be warm? I'm going to France. Well, I'm going to Marseille. Well, by the time you even see this episode, I'll have been there and come home. Because I'm filming in advance now. Because I'm like really organized, guys. Let me look. Okay, where am I going? Marseille. Okay, it's cold.

Well, I don't care because I'm going to see Chanel. Chanel herself. And it's...

I'm kidding. It's a show for Chanel in Marseille. I can't believe I've been extended an invite and I'm not sure what's happening. And I... Chanel is my dream. Like, it is the brand... Like, the only brand that I have ever wanted. Like, it... And I... Oh, I just can't get into it. But they sent me these outfits and I...

oh my god like it is like what's that word the creme de la creme of chanel like i am flying in to well oh god guys i actually need to hurry up i set myself a time limit i said i'll be done with my podcast by 9 30 it's currently 8 59 and i have to drive home which is like a 10 minute drive so i do need to get a move on but i um

my car is picking me up at 10 30 so I have one hour from when I get home hopefully fingers crossed if I keep to my schedule I'll have one hour to finish packing my bag I think that's all I need to do is like pack my bag like I'm showered my makeup is on I usually don't wear makeup to go to the airport but obviously I wanted to get ready for this podcast today because I I you know I'm

Me and you were still kind of in our honeymoon phase. So I'm not like ready to like, I don't know, just come here looking like a slob yet. But so I need to go finish packing my bag. What else? That's it, I think. But that will take me time. And then I need to say goodbye to my dog, which takes forever. And then I need to probably eat. I'm filming a vlog today on this camera on my YouTube video. What? Yeah. I'm filming a YouTube vlog today as well. And...

I'm gonna show a lot of like what I do as an anxious person when it comes to travel because I do get anxious about traveling it's more in the run-up to it than the actual event usually once I'm actually at the airport I'm like oh this isn't so bad and I'm like fine and I'm like I feel okay so I'm okay but

But in the run up to travel, I get pretty in my head like, no bad, bad things are going to happen once you get to the airport. You're going to get this shit. So I'm like, so I have to prepare really well to travel so that I know leading up to it, it's okay. You've got all your comfort items. You've got this. You're going to be fine. Right.

Once I'm there, typically I don't need to use any of it. Sometimes I do. I have had panic attacks in airports and airplanes before and it's really difficult because what the fuck are you supposed to do? One time I was in an airport and I was having a legit panic attack and

I often feel like I'm going to throw up when I have a panic attack, but I'm so scared of throwing up that I don't want to go sit in the toilet and wait to throw up because to me that makes it look very realistic that I'm going to throw up. So I never go to the bathroom like a normal person. I also, I usually don't throw up. So I'm like,

kind of in my head I'm like if I legit think I'm gonna throw up I'm probably not gonna like be in the middle of a public place but like it's like this weird mix of like being so convinced I'm gonna throw up and also knowing that I'm not like it's

whatever but i remember this one time i was having panic attack obviously i thought i was gonna throw up and i run up to this like security guard at the airport and i'm like how do i get outside and he's like outside i'm like i need to get outside right now he's like you can't you're at the airport there's you can't go outside and i was like no fucking way i'm stuck and i realized of course i fucking can't go outside i'm in the airport like unless it's one of those massive airports with like a secret courtyard and like smoking area you're literally stuck indoors my worst nightmare i

And then, God forbid, you get on a plane. You can't get outside then. And I really love the outdoors. When I'm having a panic attack, the one place I want to be is outside. I do not want to be confined to a room. I need to be outside, preferably freezing cold, and I need to be on the move. I can't sit still. So...

airports they do make me anxious i'm gonna stop talking about this now because i have to go to an airport in two hours and this conversation is gonna make me think i i've cursed myself um and it's actually not even funny i don't even like saying that okay well now i'm gonna be anxious all day yeah it's fine anyways i am going to be bringing my vlog camera with me um

in wait guys smile because i have to make a little tiktok video today um i'm doing like a day in the life there's so many things going on so anyway i'm gonna be youtube vlogging my day today my travel day and then i guess i will try and get some content of chanel i feel like they don't fuck with that though i feel like if i came to a chanel event with my fucking vlog camera i

Yeah, I'm getting kicked out. So it'll probably just be more of a travel vlog slash hangout because I don't want to get blacklisted from Chanel just yet. Anyways, I need to head home. TBH, I'm also starving hungry. I wonder if I have time to run into Tesco's. Because you know what I want? A crumpet. Haven't had one in months. With Marmite. Jam. Or even a crepe.

You know those ones they pre-roll? They have plenty of options for snacks. Do I go past Tesco on the way home? No. It's five minutes out my way. Sorry, I don't know why I'm, like, eager to go. That's so rude. Anyway, I feel like I've just trauma-dumped a bunch about my OCD, but... But I hope...

that it's reached the right ears because I, even now with the internet being as expansive as it is and as open and unfiltered as it is, and I honestly, I scrolled through TikTok and my jaw dropped so far at some of the shit people just say.

Like, shush. Keep it to yourself. Even with all of that openness and insaneness, I still manage to feel very alone with having OCD because it's not just that I don't hear much about it, but I feel like...

The people who speak about it, I often don't relate to. I hope that it can be a little bit of a warm feeling if you also have OCD because I have spent most of my life feeling very alone with it. Like, I'm ashamed of the fact I have panic attacks. I'm ashamed of the fact that I feel anxious. I'm embarrassed. It's not even ashamed. I'm embarrassed. Like, I have a best friend. She's my best friend. Millie, right?

I love Millie. We all love Millie. She's never seen me have a panic attack. And I don't talk to her about them because I'm embarrassed. I'm like...

At Coachella, right? The day that I passed out from that IV, it made me feel really sick for the rest of the day. So I ended up taking a really long nap. And then we went to Coachella because everyone wanted to watch Renee rap. And I really wasn't in the mood to go to Coachella. I was like, I feel sick. I'm really anxious. This isn't my day. I don't want to be at fucking Coachella right now around millions of people, let alone fucking influencers. Like, leave me alone. Anyway, we end up going to Coachella because I didn't want to, like, I wanted to go. I just wasn't in the mood.

But I like wanted to force myself to. We get there, we go to our first set, which was Renee Rapp. And I just couldn't deal with it. Like it just either I'm going to be fine or I'm not going to be fine. You know what I mean? And I wasn't fine. And it just got the better of me that day. And I was really anxious. And I do this thing when I'm anxious where I cover one nostril and breathe in and then I cover the other nostril and breathe out.

It really helps me. I don't know why, but it's, I've always done it. And people kind of like really close people to me kind of know that I do that because they'll have seen it or I'll have told them. And so I was stood at Rene Rapp fucking like trying to covertly do it. Or I'll just like stand like this and, you know, switch. They merely like noticed it. And anyway, I like leant on her shoulder at one point. I put my face on her shoulder and,

And I was like trying to breathe. And she said to me later, I was like, I was I once I had calmed down, I went, Oh my god, I was so anxious earlier at Renee Rapp. She's like, Yeah, I know you're doing that thing where you breathe through your nose. And I was like, Yeah. Um, and I that I realized, like, that's the closest I've ever really got.

to even showing my best, most close friend in the entire universe what this side of my life looks like. Because I'm just embarrassed. Like, I don't... It just feels wrong to me. Like, I don't want anyone knowing. I don't know why. I can't come up with one valid reason for it. And if anyone else was in the same position, I would never think it was embarrassing. It wouldn't even cross my mind. Like...

To think that someone else having anxiety or panic attacks or any form of OCD would ever be embarrassing. That's just the furthest emotion that I would ever experience on someone else's behalf. You know what I mean? Like, that's insane. Like, I'm not going to feel embarrassed for you. I'm not going to think really anything of it other than to be concerned and hope that you're okay. You know? I probably feel fucking embarrassed. But when it comes to me, I'm embarrassed. And I think everyone else is embarrassed for me. And, like, the second I feel anxious...

I will hide. Like I will get as far away from people as possible. I'm embarrassed. I want anyone to see it. And even I don't like telling people that I have OCD because then I feel like they're going to look for those behaviors, like obsessively washing my hands or like if I don't want to eat a certain food item on the menu, I don't want them thinking that's because of my OCD because it is. A lot of my OCD is about food hygiene, especially in restaurants.

And I just don't want people knowing. Or if I leave food on my plate because of OCD because I think it looks funny, I don't want someone knowing that's because of OCD. I'd rather they just think I'm not hungry or I'm just a picky eater.

And I don't know why. Like, I'm just so embarrassed about it. But I can sit here on this fucking podcast and talk about it. Why? What is the psychology, guys? Genuinely, what is the psychology? Like, I kind of hate it. I'm like, yeah, this is such a deep issue for me. I've struggled with it for my entire life. Also, I've never been able to tell another soul. Also, I'm too embarrassed to even go to therapy about it. But actually, let me just tell it into this microphone and then broadcast it on the internet. I love it.

You'll never stop me either. That's the thing. I will never stop. Probably.

I may stop. Okay. Anyways, I need to go. I need to go pack my suitcase and go to France. It's 9.10. I'm well on schedule to be back for 9.30. Guys, I've never organized like this. It's so exciting. Okay. I need to go. Everybody shut the fuck up. Stop talking. You guys talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. I can't get a word in edgeways and then you make me late for my flight. Not cool. I need to go. I love you guys so much. And I'm going to go buy a crepe because I think I might have a few minutes to spare, but I'm not sure.

anyways I love you guys so much and you know what's funny being organized is part of my OCD and it's making me anxious right now because it's so abnormal to me to be organized and on time that um when I have a day like this where I wake up early and I come in for my podcast and I'm on time and then I'm gonna pack my bag and just scheduled right but I've scheduled it uh days like that are the days I'm convinced something terrible is gonna happen because I'm like

Yeah, this is abnormal. So now something bad must really come and fuck this up because this doesn't happen with me. So I'm anxious. Now scared. Hashtag scared. Anyways, shut the fuck up. We're going to just, we're just going to push through. Love you guys so much. Thanks for listening to this week's episode of Pretty Lonesome. And I will be back next week with more bullshit for you guys to hopefully listen to. Love you guys. Bye.