I’m Not Moving to LA
41:15 Share

Hey guys, welcome back to this week's episode of Pretty Lonesome. Today we're doing the first ever episode in my new car. Oh, I just pressed something. I have been spending literally all my time in here because it's so comfy and it's warmer than my house and it's easier to heat it. So it's become my new home. It's kind of pathetic. But the first thing that we're going to talk about this week is the fact that I'm not moving to LA and that you're all fake. In fact, only some of you are fake. But here's the thing.

I titled it, I'm moving to LA because I was like, this will annoy people. Then they'll listen to me talk. But all it did was annoy people and no one listened to me talk. Guys, it's not fair. I just get a bunch of DMs. Everyone being like, no, why are you moving to LA? Even comments on the podcast, no, don't move to LA. Well, if you'd have listened to the podcast, you'd know I'm not moving to LA.

I was just pulling your leg, trying to get a rise out of you. But no one listened. So everyone was like, oh my God, don't move to LA, don't do it. I even got DMs from my friends being like, oh my God, I can't believe you're moving to LA. I'm not. I was joking. But now I'm kind of tempted to move to LA, JK. But I am going. And I was looking today. Actually, it's so annoying. I was looking today on car rental websites because I've decided I can't be in LA without a car. And they won't let me rent anything.

Why did that sound like I was going to cry? They won't let me rent anything because I'm so young. I'm, like, not allowed. Because I've had my license since I was 17. But apparently that's, like, you're still not old enough. You can't. You have to be older than 25. So I guess I'll never rent a fucking car. But, yeah, also, like, the insurance on those is...

like, life ruining. I was looking at the policy and it was like, if you crash it, we'll fix you. We'll like, what's the thing? We'll cover you up to a thousand pounds. If I crash your 30,000 pound vehicle, you'll cover a thousand pounds.

I don't know how insurance works generally. I don't know what my insurance is on this card. What if I crash it? What happens? What if I crash into someone else? What happens? I don't know. The next thing that I have to tell you guys about is something that, hold on, let me pull it up. I put on my Instagram story that a guy in my YouTube comment section had read me for filth and had changed my life.

And I mentioned his name in the comment section, but I'm an idiot and I misspelled it or I miss suffixed it. I put the wrong suffix on the end of his name. His name was Augusta, but I called him Augustine. Two very different names. And I mean, there's no way to tell. It's either August or Augusta. Anyway, everyone went looking in my comment section for this person and no one could find him.

And I don't know why no one could find him because I even replied to his comment. Everyone's like, oh my God, there was never any August or Augusta or Augustine. She's lied to us. She's clickbaited. I was like, no. Let me read you his comment. Okay. I am not going to read the entire thing because it was long, but I think he's changed my life and I want everyone to feel this way. He said, Madeline, I'm pretty sure you're an INFJ personality type.

which is very useful to know because it's 1% of the population. I later out of curiosity did take the Myers-Briggs personality type test and I have taken it twice in my life. The first time I got INFJ.

The second time today, I got INFP. And I think that is because I've become much more career centered on in the last year or two. Whereas before I would have checked, I would have like said very different things to some of the questions about career and about where I put my needs because I was not focused on it like that. Like my priorities were so different a few years ago. So that's interesting. And my personality type changed. I don't know that.

Hold on, is that not like crazy concerning? My personality type probably shouldn't have changed. This is the thing. Oh my God. So I reckon I'm an INFJ because one of the things that this guy like cautioned me on was that I'm too empathetic and I need to stop hanging around bad people because I become them. I become who I hang around, which is so true. I've always done it. It's so scary. It's so horrible. So wait, have I let someone change my personality type? That's fucking insane. Insane girlies rise. Anyway, let me keep reading.

That's a horrible realization I've just come to. I wonder which one I really am. Probably INFJ because that's the one I got a couple years ago. Anyway, and this one resonates more because this is what he said. But then I don't want to be an INFJ. I want to be an INFP because then I'm like focused on my career. Okay, who cares? ♪

This episode is brought to you by Mejuri. You know, I had a thought the other day. Since Rwanda jewelry becomes something we only bought on special occasions, Mejuri approaches fine jewelry a little bit differently. Each one of their pieces is handcrafted by jewelers committed to quality craftsmanship as well as ethical and sustainable jewelry production. Created by women for women, Mejuri is breaking down barriers in what has long been an exclusive and occasional category of men buying for women.

In 2020, the brand launched the Missouri Empowerment Fund in support of higher education for underrepresented women and non-binary individuals. Because fine jewelry doesn't have to cost the world. Feel good about your jewelry in more ways than one. Start stacking your favorites, shop online or visit the website to find a store near you.

This episode is brought to you by Vitamin Water. So much of what the world is obsessed with starts out in New York City. It's a place full of style and character that has something for everyone. With a range of flavors to meet any kind of taste, it's no wonder Vitamin Water was born there. Colorful, flavorful, anything but boring, Vitamin Water injects a daily dose of vibrancy into a watered-down life. Grab a Vitamin Water today. Vitamin Water is a registered trademark of Glasso.

Madeleine, comma, I'm pretty sure you're an INFJ, right? You're hyper aware of your feelings, but because you have a phi critic, whatever the fuck that is, brackets, introverted feeling function, close brackets, you feel worthless because you're hypercritical of your own self-worth and value, which is why you struggle to fix the root, which is the shame around not being, quotes, good enough, end quotes, and feeling worthless. That one cut deep.

Next, we have the introverted sensing function, which means I self-sabotage because I don't respect my physical body or its limitations. So you're constantly looking ahead, future-oriented, all about desire and what you want. So the lesson is to learn to respect and attune your physical health and not ignore it. Be okay with boring routines to maintain balance. Do you know how fucking revolutionary that was to me? To...

maintain balance by mundane routines, my life changed. After I read that comment, bear in mind, I read that comment last night and I have weirdly enough been focused on this since the new year started. I am going to take you guys through, not today, another day, maybe today, maybe I'll post a TikTok about it. I have a journal, what did you call it? Like a journal ecosystem is what I'm going to dub it. I'm going to take you guys through my journal ecosystem one day, but I promise this is relevant. I...

have created a system where I have three journals for three years of my life. So fill in one every three years, basically. And they're kind of thick, but each section is short. So you could write like 10 lines for each day. And the purpose of them in my life is to remember the small things like...

I went to dinner with these people and this is how I feel about life today. And you do that every single day or as often as you can. And then if you want to write more, you can. You just like use up a couple pages in one, which I do all the time because there's enough space for it. And then I have a big diary for like taking note of like actual, it's like my life story. I've had the same one since I was 12 and I write big updates in it basically.

So the small diary where I write every day, I've been trying to figure out how I fixed my burnout because I fixed my burnout over Christmas break. I like unburnt myself out. And I was like, oh my God, this is the most productive I've been in over a year. This is the least depressed I've been in over a year. This is the happiest I've been. This is the most functional I've been.

In fact, I will go as far as to say this is the only time I've been functional in the past year. And it was at the point where I was so dysfunctional where I was like, I'm fully going to lose my job. Like, this isn't even funny. Like, this is so bad. I was like on the brink of losing like three different contracts. Like guys, it was not fucking funny. I was a mess. It was so bad. So I have been like mindful about...

What did I do right now that is helping me to maintain being a normal, happy, healthy human versus what changed?

And I was like, oh my God, like, what is it? So I started journaling, like, like insane amounts of journaling, like writing every day. This is how I feel today. These are the things that I think derailed my day. These are things that I think worked in my day. Just trying to basically find the, what is it? The ingredients, the concoction, the elixir that makes me productive because the way I am just like so insanely disorganized and

I'm disorganized to my core. It is what makes me who I am and it's not a good thing. So when I was like being organized, I was happy, I was healthy, I was looking forward to making content, I wanted to make content, I felt like I had things to say, I felt confident. I was like oh my god what the fuck has changed? I was like I need to figure out what the fuck has changed so that I can keep it this way. And what I realized is what's changed is things are steady and things are stable in my life. I'm just at home, I'm just chilling, I'm just being a little girl and I realized that is what I need

all the time and then this random man comments on my youtube he served me up on a platter and then he said just scratching the surface of the dynamics though

Just scratching the surface. I need to get in contact with this man. I know I genuinely would pay this man. I would pay this man to make a charcuterie board out of me. I don't know. Anyway, let's continue because he's got more points. He doesn't stop there. Okay, this one resonated and I think it will with most people because I think this is a common issue and it genuinely has ruined my life on multiple occasions. So...

Let's talk about it, okay? You're very empathetic and need to guard yourself towards sucking in other people's emotions and easily being guilt-tripped, mirroring other people's values. And if in bad company, you risk mirroring bad values. Learning to set healthy boundaries to preserve your own values in order to build lasting self-respect such that you won't be self-sabotaging. The lasting self-respect thing is a lifelong battle for me.

My self-respect is on the floor. I think we all know this. This isn't a secret. But listen, I do this thing where something horrible will befall me through no fault of my own.

And then I'll be like, oh my God. And I'll be like, oh my God, what mistakes did I make? Like, why did I choose that person to be in my life? Why did I let that happen? I can't believe I was so stupid. And then I will go through this whole healing thing where I'm like, I now understand where I went wrong. I understand the red flags I ignored, or I understand why I felt tempted to be in this scenario. Even just for like, it could be a relationship or it could be something else. Like, why have I never been able to like do things in my own best interest and

And it affects my self-respect because even when I figure things out after the fact and I'm like, oh my God, yeah, that was where I went wrong. This is what I did wrong. This is how I don't get myself back in that situation. And when I think I've figured it all out,

I just get tempted again and I just do the same fucked up stuff again and it's never like I'm the one in the wrong but I welcome wrong things into my life like I learn really quick if I ever feel guilt if I've ever hurt anybody or done anything wrong myself I learn from that and I never do it again I never go back there like I learn that when I learn a lesson the hard way I learn it like I really do and it's something that I'm quite proud of with myself like

I don't tend to make the same mistake twice when it's me making a mistake that affects somebody else in a negative way when I'm the one being a dick. The second someone's a dick to me, they can make that mistake a hundred times. Every time I think I'm like my own best friend with my own best interest, I prove myself wrong because I'm like, I can't trust you though because we've been here before and then you've done the stupid thing again. And so I don't feel like

I have my own best interests. Like I can't rely on myself in a way. It's a huge issue in my life because every time I think I've put the work in and I've realized why my life keeps being painful. Like I was talking about in my vlog the other day, I was like, oh yeah, like why do I create a painful life for myself? Like, I don't know. Cause I know better. LOL. Oh, this as well. Because INFJs want intimacy above all, AKA why pretty lonesome. He fucking named and shamed.

These dynamics cause INFJs to be amongst the most lonely of all the types. You need to be alone a lot to discover and integrate your own values slash self-worth and find a wolf pack of healthy, moral people that are loyal and you can emulate or else you risk becoming corrupt instead of having integrity of character, which is what you seek above all. When I tell you my jaw was on the fucking floor when I read that last sentence, because he's right. I...

Oh my god, it's just insane to me that someone couldn't read me like that. I was like, you, I mean, I guess he didn't read me, he read me the personality type, but like, how did you know? How did he know that was my personality? I never told him that. I never told him that above all, I seek loyal, hum, hum, humid? I don't seek humid people.

So basically, this man told me that I'm hyper aware of my feelings. I'm hyper critical of my self-worth. I'm constantly looking ahead. I'm empathetic. And so I need to guard myself against being guilt-tripped, which is I'm guilt-tripped every day of my fucking life. By the way, I have no guard up against it. The second that I feel bad for somebody, everything else is out the window. I don't know what it is. And I was actually telling my new therapist about this. I was like, I don't know what it is. The second I pity someone and I pity... It's...

a fatal flaw. I pity almost everyone and I don't know why I do it, but like I feel maternally responsible for almost everyone in my life to the point that I feel sorry for them. They didn't even ask me to and I just, I'm like, oh my God, I like cry over them before bed because I just feel so sorry. Like they're just alone in the world and they're just small and I'm like, oh my God, that is a fully grown woman you're crying over. Like, are you okay? And then he also said that if I'm in bad company, I risk mirroring other people's values, which is,

It's true. And you know what? It's not always that I risk mirroring other people's values, but I get worked the fuck up over other people's values. And then one day I caught myself draining my own energy for the one millionth time over this one person's values that so didn't align with mine. But I was always in this person's presence. And usually if there was someone that really didn't align with me, I would just have nothing to do with them. And it's not

that I'm closed minded or think that people that don't agree with me are wrong. It's just that sometimes people that disagree with me are wrong. And the majority of people would understand that that's not how you're meant to be in the world. And it's not a nice way to be. And so it was the case with this person where I was like, you know, we're not just different. We're not just seeing things differently. I, I dare to say you're a bad person.

and you're definitely an unpleasant person, you know, at the very least, like you suck. That's just the word for it. You just fucking suck. Like I don't even have to like make like excuses for you just suck. I don't care why you think the way you think. But then I was like, no, I do care why you think the way that you think. Most of the time, if someone has a conflicting opinion to mine, I'm going to think about it a little bit because I am so deeply afraid of being wrong, not from an ego standpoint, but I'm deeply afraid of being wrong from a

I don't know if I am worth the space I take up if I don't constantly self-analyze. And it's a huge personality flaw for me. I'm like, if I'm not always right and growing, do I even deserve the air that I breathe? Spoiler alert, yeah. I would never think like that about anybody else. And if anyone ever said that to me, I'd be like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Like, you're so...

silly and you're wasting your time like I should be able to find a floor and be a little bit more empathetic a little bit more understanding give myself a little bit more grace I think and also just stop looking I look it's almost like I'm a bully to myself like sometimes it is in the name of like I just want to be better it's just

I feel like it's my mission on this earth to just be good and to continue making myself good, whatever I decide that means as I go through life. But also sometimes I think it comes from a place of, because it's all about where it's coming from, I think. Like it comes from a place of like,

do I actually think I deserve space and energy if I am not on this mission to better myself? And I'm too hard because I don't hold anybody else to those same standards. I used to. And that made me very lonely. And it made me just a horrible fucking person. And it made me just not appreciate any of like the complexities of like human life. I couldn't appreciate any of like the beauty of the fact that the world is like not like linear or like,

right and wrong is not black and white it's not that easy you can't just make statements

And hold them to be like God's word because that's how you think. So no one else deserves space and you don't deserve space if you don't meet those standards. Like you're not God. I needed to like let it go. But I still do struggle with like thinking I don't deserve grace or empathy from myself if I'm not on that mission. And it's honestly draining. Like I burn myself out over it all the time. I've been a lot better lately. But then I got so sloppy that I was like,

yeah fuck self-growth I'm just gonna be like a horrible person towards myself and then the more that I force myself to say those words I'm like oh my god this is actually so sad why am I so horrible to myself all the fucking time because it's like just like secondary knowledge to me I'm like oh yeah like I'm horrible to myself continue you know what I mean like I didn't have to say it out loud but now that I'm like forcing myself to say it out loud to like clarify it to somebody else I'm like oh my god that is so unfair anyway we'll get to the bottom of it one day

This episode is brought to you by Mejuri. You know, I had a thought the other day. Since Rwanda jewelry becomes something we only bought on special occasions, Mejuri approaches fine jewelry a little bit differently. Each one of their pieces is handcrafted by jewelers committed to quality craftsmanship as well as ethical and sustainable jewelry production. Created by women for women, Mejuri is breaking down barriers in what has long been an exclusive and occasional category of men buying for women.

In 2020, the brand launched the Missouri Empowerment Fund in support of higher education for underrepresented women and non-binary individuals. Because fine jewelry doesn't have to cost the world. Feel good about your jewelry in more ways than one. Start stacking your favorites, shop online or visit the website to find a store near you. I've been thinking a lot about nostalgia recently. And the reason for this is I was hanging out with my dad and he has this old caravan that he's had since I was like six or seven years old.

And we used to go on our family vacations in the caravan. We would go to caravan parks. And I never loved caravan parks because I struggled to make friends and I would just end up really bored the entire time. We would go away with my dad and my stepsisters who were both older than me and we didn't hang out. And then my sister who I would hang out with, but like you still are going to get bored just having one person to hang out with. It's just me and my sister the entire time. And like we would fight.

So I never was a huge fan of the caravan parks. My dad told me like two days ago when we were hanging out, he was like, yeah, like we were there and I'd taken you girls away and you turned to me and you asked, why are we staying in a box? And I laughed because I was like, that is such a me thing to have asked, especially at nine years old. And also what a valid question. You know what I mean? But

Um, the moral of the story is I never liked it. I never enjoyed the caravan trip. Sorry, Dad, I know you tried. I just had no one to talk to and I was very lonely. But I never warmed to them. And for a long time, I was like, such like, I just never would have thought of like a nice time away being back in a caravan.

It was akin to childhood trauma. Like, I'm not even joking. Like, I fucking hated the caravan. I never... I didn't enjoy it. Also, I once got really sick in there. I don't know what had happened. Me and my sister both threw up at the exact same time. It was, like, the morning. And we both, like, got violently ill for only 10 minutes. And then we were both fine. But I remember then my dad wouldn't let us go to the arcade. And, like, there was an arcade on site. And we were like, please, can we go? Like, we feel fine. He was like, no, we're going to spread the illness to everyone on the site. And we were like, but we feel fine. Yeah.

And it was like the worst day ever. But yeah, I just never could imagine myself being like, I really want to go back to the caravan park. Like it just didn't excite me. And I was kind of glad to be rid of it, to be honest. And then he was like, he basically he just got a new caravan. So he's just replaced the caravan that he's had that whole time.

And something about it, I was like, oh my God, like I crave a caravan holiday. I was just like, it would be so nice. And I came home from his house that day and I Googled caravans for sale. And then I realized the caravans actually cost more than I thought they did. And I gave up. But like, actually, no, no, I might get like a really old one. And I was just like, how nice would it be to take my caravan, just me, my caravan and my dog.

to the middle of nowhere and just sit and just listen to the noise and there not be any noise. There's just no noise. London always has noise. It's my least favorite thing about London. I don't know how I didn't anticipate it, but there's always noise every hour of the day. Noise, voices, hums. You know what I mean? Cars, drilling. It's all the time. It never stops. And that's not for me. I think I need a caravan. So I've been really considering it. And at first it was kind of like a joke.

Like, oh yeah, Madeline might buy a caravan. That's funny because she used to fucking hate the caravan. Like, that's funny. And then I was like, wait, it's not funny. I might buy a caravan because I think the reason I'm actually warming to the idea of buying myself a silly little caravan and going on little trips by myself is because I've realized something about myself. And that is I can't do things halfway. Like I was saying in my last episode where I was like the ADHD good place and the ADHD bad place where I can't do anything versus I can do absolutely everything.

What I can't do is sit in my flat by myself with a couple things I need to do for work, but no other plans for the day.

That is when I lose my fucking mind and I don't do anything. There is nothing good about that situation for me. What works is being absolutely full on, crashing into bed at night, exhausted, such a productive day, did so many things or doing absolutely nothing. And I need to do them both and I need to fuck them over and I need to never have a middle ground. I can't do middle ground. Middle ground has never worked for me.

It's the same way. I'm either on the most intense healing journey you've ever heard of, or I am literally in full tornado mode. I'm self-destructing. No one can reach me. I'm gone. You know what I mean? I like to do things. I go hard or go home, I guess. So I realized, like, I'm going to LA and New York in...

what have I got, two weeks left in the UK before I leave? And those trips are going to be busy. I'm going to be busy the whole time. And even when I'm not busy, I'm still in a foreign country. So you're still kind of just a little bit, you're differently engaged. Your energy is different, I always find. If it's like a short-term trip, right? Or even if it's a long-term trip. I don't know, I've never taken a long-term trip. But yeah.

know I'm going to thrive on those trips for the most part because I'm going to be busy. I'm going to be engaged and being busy works me. I either need to be in New York City with a full schedule and I will thrive or I need to be in the middle of the woods in a caravan with my dog and Wi-Fi and I will thrive like pot on the stove, cooking in the wilderness like I will thrive.

Equally, I could go to New York City and eat out every night and live the craziest life. And that works for me too. What doesn't work is me coming home with a couple tasks, a couple bits of spare time in between. Oh, you also need to walk the dog. Oh, you also have a doctor's appointment. Oh, you should go get coffee with your family members. And I don't know, you need to clean your car. You need to clean your room. You need to do your laundry. Like, no, no, no.

No, like reality, I guess it's the reality doesn't work for me. Like the base, like the baseline living, like what you're meant to be able to live like all the time. That is where I lose my fucking mind. I can't do it. I need either complete structure or absolutely no structure, not a little bit of structure that you can deviate from sometimes. And it's like, if you tell me I have to do something in two hours, I'm not moving for the two hours before I have to do the thing.

So I need there to not be those two hours. I need you to fill my whole day up or let me do nothing the entire day. And when there are days where I have nothing to do, I'll find that I'll do things spontaneously and out of fun. It's like when someone tells you to clean your room or your mum tells you to wash the dishes when you were younger. Like, no, suddenly I can't do, I don't want to do those things. Or if you're washing the dishes and your mum comes into the kitchen and says, can you wash the dishes? And rage fills your entire body.

And suddenly you don't want to wash the dishes anymore, even though you were happy doing it five seconds ago. You know what I mean? Or even like if you're cooking dinner and your family comes into the kitchen, suddenly I don't want to cook my dinner anymore. You know what I mean? It's just like I function. That's how I function. The time realizing that I function. So in short, I'm going to buy myself a fucking caravan. Caravan podcast coming soon. But genuinely, I think I would thrive. I might just rent one because I am also the kind of bitch to do that once and then never bother again.

But I would like to revisit the childhood campsite that I always went to. I don't know where this was in the world. Like, I could not tell you if I was in Scotland or if I was in the New Forest or if I was literally in Brighton. Like, I don't know where I was in the UK, but...

All I know is it was called the Woolly Bear campsite because all campsites I remember as a kid, they all had like mascots. Like we went to one and I can't remember what it was called. It had some weird name, but it had the mascot of like a seahorse and it had a really weird name. My dad was reminding me the other day. I can't remember, but it was like a seahorse thing.

And then the Wooly Bear campsite, it had what kind of resembled a Winnie the Pooh mascot. And this was the most like upscale caravan site that we would go to. It was so fucking cool. They had a big arcade. They had a big entertainment room. And they also had these lollipops that were Wooly the Bear shaped, which is basically like imagine a Mickey the Mouse lollipop, but like red sugar. Oh my God, they were good.

And I kind of miss it and I really want to go back, but the thing is I know it won't be the same.

These places exist so safely tucked away in a corner of my brain. If I went back to that campsite, that the friend that I made when I was 10, she would still be there. Like, I can't genuinely get it through my head that they're not all still there. That the friend that I made, I have a picture with this one girl in the playground. And I remember I thought she was the best thing. So it's fucking sliced bread. I was like four. And I think I had a crush on her. And there's also pictures of us swimming. Actually, I wasn't four. I was like six, but whatever.

It was like the best campsite ever. It was so fun. And I made so many friends.

Wait, I just completely fucking contradicted myself because I genuinely said that I had no friends earlier. No, listen, I went through phases where I could make friends when I was younger and I was like six. And that was when we would go as a family. Then my parents split. Let me just take you guys through the timeline. Then my parents split. And then I started going on holiday with just my dad and my stepmom, my stepsisters and my sister. That's when I stopped being able to make friends because I was like seven and upwards.

That's when I hated going camping because I was like, fuck this. This is lame. Also, that's when we got the caravan and we stopped going in tents. And for some reason, tents were just way more fun to me than a caravan. So I was like, what is this shit? Like, this is this is not the quality of living that I'm used to in the tent. You know, I mean, I don't know why. I really don't know why. I think it's because caravan, the caravan wasn't my caravan, but the tent, it's like it's everyone's tent.

Does that make any sense? I don't know if it does, but I always felt like I was intruding on someone else's caravan because it wasn't my fucking caravan. I don't know. Whereas the tent, when my parents would pitch a tent, I felt like that was, you know, for everybody. You know what I mean? I don't know what I mean, so I don't blame you if you don't.

But it's like, I just remember me and my sister, we used to get a little bit of pocket money and they would let us go to the store by ourselves, which was a luxury we were never afforded when we were at home because, you know, the shop was 10 minutes away versus in the campsite where it was like a three second walk.

So we would get like 20p and we would go down to the shop all by ourselves. And we would buy Hubba Bubba. And I remember we'd get the Hubba Bubba that used to come in like a big roll. And in that plastic case where you'd like open it in half. And then we'd take a big chunk out of it. I used to take the biggest chunk out of it and it would piss my sister off. But our competition was always...

who has the most gum left because we were only probably allowed like one roll of gum for the entire holiday and gum was a scarcity in my life we just weren't allowed to chew it for some reason my mum hates chewing gum she never let us have it but my dad

didn't mind it and so we were allowed chewing gum when we would go on vacations with my dad and so it was like how long can you possibly make this chewing gum last and it was like a competition between so i have more more of it than you i have more chewing gum left than you everything was a fucking competition i also remember in the arcade one time i was playing on the slot machine not the slot machines that's something different no yeah i was playing on like the 2p machines where you put the coin in and then it's like that one

And I won a bunch of money. And this little fucking girl, I swear to God, I wish I knew who she was, crawls underneath my legs and takes it out of the little catcher thing. And I just watched her in amazement. Like, I can clearly see you. Actually, I've never really deep that. That was so out of order. Like, she crawled between my legs, guys, and she took my money. And then she ran back to her friend on the other side of the arcade giggling.

Oh my God, did I get bullied at the arcade? That is not nice. And I remember it so vividly. And I was like, I'm too embarrassed to say anything because who the fuck does that? And also she has a friend with her and I'm all by myself. Oh my God, that is actually so sad. I got my fucking money stolen in the arcade. But also, did she think I couldn't see her? I could fucking see her. She crawled between my legs. May I reiterate?

What a bitch. Genuinely, what a bitch. My dad would have given me like two pounds to play with and you fucking took it. And I remember one time I went on that, you know, they used to have those games or they still have them when it's like driving games in an arcade and you're in like a legit seat and it has a steering wheel and pedals and stuff. I was playing that and I don't know, the system glitched or something and it gave me unlimited free games and

And I just didn't move from the seat for like three hours. It was so good. And I even remember that I'd been in the arcade by myself, hanging out by myself. And then my dad, my stepmom, my stepsisters and my sister, they all came to the arcade because it adjoined to the dinner room. And then they were like, Madeline, like, come on, we're leaving the arcade. We've got to go for dinner. And I was like, get fucked. Like, no, look at this. And I remember everyone crowding around being like, you've really got free games? And I was like, yeah, I've got free fucking games. They still made me go to dinner though. Not forgiven. I remember though,

But it's even just, I don't know, nostalgia has been like chasing me lately because it's like I remember when we would go on these holidays as a kid. We would, my dad had this, it wasn't a Jeep. Oh, maybe it was actually. Actually, I think it was a Jeep. It was like a Jeep style car, like, you know, the really boxy ones. And we would get piled in the back. It was like a, is it seven seater where you have one, two cars?

three, four, five, six, seven. Yeah, it was like that. And me and my sister being the youngest, we pulled the short straw and we got put in the two back seats, the bitch seats. So we were in the boot, for lack of better wording. We used to just like go on these rides in this car. I remember it being a solid seven hour drive to wherever the fuck it was that we would go. And I've not been in the back of my dad's car since then, I don't think.

So my dad had this big Jeep like car and that was like the vacation car because it was the only one that could pull the caravan. And then he had this little regular little car for like everyday driving because one was his and one was my stepmom's. I don't know. I don't know. I was seven. I can't remember. But he only would ever drive us around in the little one. And the big one was just if we were taking the caravan. And then...

And randomly, like three nights ago, it's his birthday and I'm going over for a birthday dinner and we're going to go out. So I parked my car at his house and he puts us in this Jeep-like car, again, big square boxy one. It's not the same one, but they've basically got like a newer duplicate because I think the other one died. And sat in the back and I'm like, this is so trippy because it's literally my dad and my stepmom in the front, me and my sister in the back. And I'm like,

This is so weird. Like, it was just like a level of like, back in my old skin. And it just made me crave going on a caravan holiday. I don't know. Also, something about swimming pools when I was younger was just so much more delectable than it is now. Like...

I look back at pictures when I was swimming when I was like six and something about the water, it looks bluer. It looks wetter somehow. It looks more refreshing. It looks like I want to drink the entire swimming pool. That's what it looks like. It looks delicious.

And I'm like, oh my God, because I know exactly where that swimming pool is. The fucking woolly bear campsite. The indoor pool at the woolly bear campsite. It's definitely a breeding ground for verrucas. Do I care? No, I'm going to go there in my caravan and drink the water. No one's going to stop me. I think basically this is my warning. This is a cautionary tale. I will be buying a caravan and I will be going to the woolly bear campsite. See you guys there. See you guys there. You know what's actually crazy?

I made this friend there one year and I do think I had a crush on her. In fact, I know I had a crush on her because I kept this picture. I printed it out on my mom's computer. I kept it and it has like water stains on it. And it's literally just a paper print of this picture. Like it's not like an actual picture. It's just paper. And I used to stare at it all the time and think about how much I miss this girl. I don't remember a single interaction I had with her, but I just know this picture exists. And I remember how much I used to miss her. I must have had a crush on her.

I was like six when we met and she was probably like eight an older woman and um I always want to post the picture online and just be like if this is you please message me like I'm so intrigued by this picture I'm like I just want to know like who is this girl like what is she doing now because we hung out at the fucking woolly bear campsite and I thought about her for the next 15 years of my life I just want to know who she is and where she is if she's okay I don't know

But it's one of those things every time I'm like tempted to post the picture, I'm like, no, because some things are not meant to be known. The internet is unnatural. Instagram, it's not natural. Like I shouldn't know what she's doing. And fuck it. Maybe she's a horrible person. Maybe I'm going to click her bio and it's going to say something absolutely deranged. You know what I mean? Like she could be a horrible, horrible person. And then my little fantasy of her and my little memory, my little six-year-old memory is ruined.

And no one wants that. That's not nice. It's not nice. So...

I'll keep her as a memory, but I am intrigued and I do feel nostalgic a lot lately, even for things that definitely at the time I didn't enjoy, which I always find interesting because I get nostalgic over everything. Like it's an ailment of mine. Like every relationship I've ever had, I like miss, I ache for it back. And I'm like, you weren't even fucking happy when you were going through it. Like, and I say going through it because it was like a traumatic experience for you, babe. So why are you yearning for it?

why are you yearning for it like I don't get it I never feel nostalgic for like things that were good if that makes sense like I'll think back to like a lovely childhood memory and I'll just be like oh that's so nice and then I'll think back to a traumatic time in my life and I'm like oh if only I could just miss it so much it just seems so cozy what the fuck is that about nostalgia must be a way of

glazing over the pain in your brain. You know what I mean? Like, I feel like nostalgia is more of a coping mechanism than anything else because, yeah, I don't really feel it for positive memories. Like, I feel a little bit of like, oh, that would be great to go back to. But then that's where the thought ends.

I'm like, oh yeah, that was a great time. But I enjoyed it in the moment because it was enjoyable and I feel that I've gotten everything that I could get out of that moment and that experience already because I enjoyed it. To surmise, I think I'm going to buy a caravan and nostalgia is horrible.

And that guy read me for filth in my comment section and changed my life because not as sometimes I just need to hear it from another person, I think, but he was right about everything. I'm going to do more research into personality types. I'm going to probably also visit a witch because I'm out of ideas. I genuinely am. I need someone to give me a new perspective because I'm losing the will with this bitch. But right now I'm in one of those hyper productive modes. So I'm like,

I need to fix everything. I need to figure out what my problem is so that I never get back to that problem. But then once I get back into the problem, which seems to be without a cause, but I know it's not. I know there's a cause. I just don't know what it is. When I go back into that slump of I can't do anything, I'm miserable, I will stop caring to find out because I won't be able to because I'll have zero energy and I'll have like a foam above. It's like I have like a TV static in front of my eyes and a fog in my head. Like that's how it feels. So I need to figure it out quickly. Like I'm running out of time. But

Yeah, I'm going to visit a witch. Oh my God, maybe I'll do that before next week's episode and then we can talk about it. Also, I know that I said I would talk about the different types of friendships, but I really want my friend to come on that podcast episode. And I just need to work out a few kinks to get her on it first. Don't worry about it. But we'll try and talk about it next week because I have so much to say. But the thing is, she is just so eloquently spoken, well-spoken. And like, I just want her to explain it. Also, I just want her to be on the podcast. I don't want to sit here and talk about it myself because she...

She's just so interesting and I want to get her on the podcast so that you guys can listen to her because you would love it. But I think you would love it. I can't tell you what you would like, can I? But that's it for today. Anyway, thanks.