Our First Date
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Hello, everybody. I am Madeline Argy, and welcome to the first ever episode of Pretty Lonesome. That feels good to finally say. Now, if you're new, if we're meeting for the first time, this is my car. This is where I do my episodes. This is where I am pretty much all of the time. And there's two reasons for that. One is that I still live with my mother, and I'm in my 20s. So this car is kind of my space away from, not that I need space away from my mummy,

That's why I've not moved out because I don't want space away from my mummy. But sometimes it is a little bit necessary to be in some kind of private enclosure. Oh, that sounds really weird. I like to think of this car as like my crate. It's very much a safe space, a place where I know no one's going to bother me. And with my dog, oh, by the way, I have my dog here. This is Bugs. She's really, really fucking cute. She's my co-host. Anyway, living with your mother in your 20s, I'm so lucky that I have a mum that I can live with and that I can stomach living with and that will let me live with her.

However, sometimes you need your own space. So I have this dog, right? And she has a crate. She's crate trained. And the rule with the crate is you don't touch her when she goes in there because it's like her bedroom. It's like you leave her the fuck alone. And she knows that. Like she knows that I'm never going to like reach my arm in and grab her or whatever. That is how I feel about my car. Like I know no one's going to reach their hand in and pull me out for playtime.

Mostly because I usually drive it onto the forest and hide away. I live in the middle of nowhere. I live in like a relatively small town and there is a forest nearby. And then there's all these like pull-in places on the forest where you can like go walk your dog or like watch the sunset and like they will have views and shit, like viewpoints. And that is usually where I spend most of my time and usually where I film these episodes too. But today we're not in the forest. Although I mean we basically are in the forest. We're just not like in the woods because that's where I usually like to go.

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Anyways, to give you an idea of what the fuck I'm doing, I was like, when I was trying to think up like podcast ideas, I was like, I really, I wanted to be like an advice podcast. Like, that's so weird to me because like...

who am I to be giving advice? My life is a mess, right? So I was like, I don't have any advice, but I always feel lonely. Then I feel like the one thing that social media has taught us in the last like five years is that like, you're never alone. And people have the weirdest, most niche experiences. And then people relate to them. And it's like, oh, that was not just me. Okay, cool. So I feel like I wanted to create a podcast where I just...

tell you about my very strange niche experience because I thought I'd had kind of like a mundane life and then I got on TikTok and I started telling people about these cutesy little life stories that I thought they were kind of humorous but nothing crazy and everyone was like girl what the fuck

And I was like, oh, oh, I thought that was normal. Never mind. Guys, I thought the point of this app was we all realize we all have universal experiences. Why are you calling me weird? Why are you calling me crazy? I don't get it. Anyway, I just got back from Fashion Week and I feel like that's not the best way to start this off because it gives you the wrong impression of me because that is the first time I've ever done that. And I'm also thinking it might be the last.

I'm thinking it might be the last because so many things that I said will be keeping me up at night for a minimum of three months. Like, I feel like I constantly make an idiot out of myself and...

I don't even have that much social anxiety. Like I'm definitely not a person who like overthinks things or like is scared to ask for like, I don't know, extra food or like send a meal back if it's fucking cold. Like I really wouldn't say I have like social anxiety, quote unquote, or like the things that I see about social anxiety on the internet. I'm like, no, that's not me. But then I will go out and I'm shy. And like, I think when I'm around people, my brain kind of shuts off. It's like...

It doesn't send thought signals to my mouth to like say things. So someone will be talking to me and I'll literally be like, I don't know what I'm going to say when this person stops talking. Like even if they're telling me about their experience, it's probably very easy to respond to or like ask a follow up question about. I'm like panicking the whole time. I'm like, I don't know what I'm going to fucking say when you stop talking. Please don't stop talking. My dog wants to be a little bit more involved right now. So anyway, the reason that she's podcasting with me right now, which usually she would stay in the house is

It's because ever since I got back from Fashion Week, I feel so bad. She has not left my side once. Like, I'll go pee and she will sit with her body weight against my leg while I'm peeing. Like, she just wants to make so sure that I'm still there. And my mum told, like, last night I got home and I ran straight out the door to go buy myself a meal deal. If you're American and you don't know what a meal deal is, it's these things at this shop in the UK called Tesco's. It's a supermarket in the UK and they do these meal deals.

And when I tell you these meal deals are on another fucking level, they're so good. And everyone is a hater of this one pasta that they do. And I just want to tell you right now, if you're a hater of the tomato pasta, I'm a hater of you because nothing is better than it. And then I put it with salt and many square crisps. I have a lot of food combinations that people have a lot to say about. Like my favorite one that is so controversial until I make someone try it in front of me is banana with hot sauce. Mm-hmm.

And I just want you to know, okay, bugs, this is, her whole asshole is on my microphone. Do you mind? Anyway, another one of the food combinations that I like that no one seems to think is moral is gherkins, but like the very big ones with chocolate, but like, what is it called? Cadbury chocolate buttons. But you could just use any chocolate, but not really if you're an American because your chocolate tastes like vomit. Also, do you know...

Apparently the reason that American chocolate tastes like vomit to foreigners is because they use something that we don't use. And the reason that they do that is because America is so big. And they used to, I can't remember if it was because they didn't have refrigeration. I mean, I'm sure they did, but like maybe they didn't have refrigeration in trucks.

or something, and when they used to make the milk chocolate in the factories, it would spoil on the way to wherever the fuck it was going. Or, like, the milk would spoil. Something would spoil. Anyway, can't remember why. So they added in something that is, like, a preservative to the milk so that it won't go bad. And that ingredient has the same...

enzyme in it thing that is in Parmesan cheese, because obviously Parmesan cheese stinks of puke. And it's the same ingredient that is in American chocolate that stops it from going bad. And that is why it tastes like sick to people that aren't American. Or maybe it tastes like it to Americans too, but I feel like that it doesn't because they're just like used to it. But every time I go to America, I pick up a Hershey's bar and every time I'm unpleasantly

I'm surprised to find that it still tastes like vomit to me. Also, I'm kind of worried because my dog has recently gone through puberty and I posted it on my Instagram story when she got her first period because I was so proud of her. And everyone was like, dogs get periods? What the fuck? First of all, yes, they do. She bled out of her... Are you embarrassed if I tell this story?

Sorry, baby. She bled for three weeks. It was really annoying. And now she has these nipples that are like kind of big. And like they just sprouted out of nowhere and like were up one week. And I was like, whoa, girlie. I mean, it happened to me quickly too. But is this meant to happen to dogs or is she pregnant? Because I've been very careful about not letting her go near any boys. But now I'm like worried that she might be pregnant because she has like tits everywhere.

We've gone off topic. Hold on, let me get back to you. Let's talk about why I called this podcast Pretty Lonesome. Because I always feel like I'm alone but not lonely. And I feel like lonesome is the perfect word for that. Like I love being by myself. I feel like my brain kind of stops when I'm around other people and I like lose myself. It's really annoying. I'm very selective about the friendships that I have and that's why I don't have many. Because it takes me a lot to like actually fuck with someone. Like to see...

I don't know. Like, I don't have trust issues or anything. I think I'm just smart. Like, I just think most people are just not what you're looking for. I take a friendship more seriously than like a relationship. I mean, no, I take it the same kind of serious. And I think that should be more normal. Like, I think about my friends in marriage context. Like my best friend, she we've been best friends since we were 13, I believe. And

I don't know what I would do without her. Like she is everything to me and she's with me through every relationship. Like she is my longest relationship. Why would I think of her in a less serious way than I would think

of a romantic relationship. Do you know what I mean? Like, obviously, I don't want to kiss her, but that's different. Like, I could be dating a new person. I could be doing whatever. She's the one that's going to definitely be at my wedding. You know what I mean? And like, I really wish that friendships were talked about a little bit more because I don't know where I would be without my best friends or like,

who I would even be. Like, they have changed me absolutely for the better and in ways that I would give up nothing for. Like, two of my best friends I met at university and...

I hated university. We'll get into that another time. My whole university experience was a roller coaster. But I would do it all again if it just means I could meet these people. Because I think about it all the time. I'm like, what if I made a different decision about my university? What if I picked a different place to live? What if I just never came across these people? Because we went on the same course. We didn't do the same societies. Like, I wouldn't have met them if I didn't just live with them. And they are two of my most valued people.

companions like they have taught me so much they I've had like some of my best memories of my life with these people and the location of the memories is in our fucking kitchen like I've never laughed so hard as when I'm in a room with these two part of the reason that I'm as selective as I am with my friends is because of one experience that I had when I was maybe

18, 19, 20. And I was kind of in around this one group of friends. And I was dating somebody that was in the group of friends. So that's why I was around them. And I just remember thinking, God, this is so ungenuine or disingenuine. Is that the word? I don't know. But

everything that went on in that friend group that I observed was terrifying. And when I broke up with the person, obviously their friends sided with them in the breakup, which I was not expecting anything different. But

this, the person that I broke up with was so clearly in the wrong. And it's not like, oh, beefy things that happen within the relationship that like no one really know about. It was like, no, you know what this person did. You know what they did to me. You know the situation. And it bothered me. I was like, God, you lot are shameless for not like stay friends with your person. I do not care. But it was the way they would like defend it. And like, I felt attacked almost because

for just existing within the realm of this breakup. And after that, even though, like I said, I've always been very much like intuitively not friends with a large group of people ever. It's just never been my thing. I've always been a one-on-one kind of gal. But like, it made me really consider who is around me and what are their opinions and how do they actually behave? And I started to look at people very, very differently. And actually, I cut off a lot of people after that relationship ended because I was like, now...

I just became really wary of people and I was like, God, I don't want to ever be around someone that would behave like that or act like that or God forbid if I ever did anything alike to what she did. My ex, I mean...

Would they stand by me? Like, who are these people that I'm surrounding myself with? And what do they even stand for? And I could not hack the answers that I ended up getting. I was like, no, like most of the people that I was around at the time, and I was at university, so it was just a lot of random people. I was like, God, no, they fucking suck. Yeah, they suck. So I ended up cutting off a lot of friendships. And I have since been a lot more

careful about who I hang out with because I think it honestly it changed the way that I think about everything because what these people did it kind of went against the rules of reality for me and maybe I was just a little bit sheltered I don't know I mean I was but like is that the full story I don't know but it was kind of just like

I remember crying one night and saying, I feel like I've fallen into the wrong realm. Like, if the matrix is a fucking thing, I pressed a button or I did something, I stepped wrong somewhere, I went against something, and I fell into a different reality where there are different rules because nothing that I could...

hypothesize or come up with in my head gave any rhyme or reason to why these people had treated me this way or why they were behaving like this and now as an adult I can look on it and be like well the reason they acted like that is because they just didn't fucking care it just wasn't their problem and they just weren't deeping it the way you were deeping it like that's literally the extent of the situation

This episode is brought to you by Mejuri. You know, I had a thought the other day. Since Rwanda jewelry becomes something we only bought on special occasions, Mejuri approaches fine jewelry a little bit differently. Each one of their pieces is handcrafted by jewelers committed to quality craftsmanship as well as ethical and sustainable jewelry production. Created by women for women, Mejuri is breaking down barriers in what has long been an exclusive and occasional category of men buying for women.

In 2020, the brand launched the Missouri Empowerment Fund in support of higher education for underrepresented women and non-binary individuals. Because fine jewelry doesn't have to cost the world. Feel good about your jewelry in more ways than one. Start stacking your favorites, shop online or visit the website to find a store near you.

I'm still pretty scared of people and I never know what their intentions are. I don't know. I don't know. But I also just find it hard to click with people. I recently made a new friend, which is so exciting for me. I genuinely have jitters like I'm in the early stages of a new relationship, but she's just a fucking friend and it's crazy. And I haven't felt it in ages. I don't know when the last time I made friends.

a good new friend was like I've met a couple people over the last years that are I would consider friends but like a new friendship where I'm like I know I'm gonna see a lot of you I know we talk every day like a new close friend and I'm so excited and it's crazy I feel like I met her like I feel like I was sent her it's it's insane we actually met two years ago and we just didn't speak after we met before I met this girl I'd asked the universe for a sign that I was doing the right thing or that things were going to improve for me because I was at a really low point of my life

And I remember I asked the universe, I want to see a blue smiley face if I'm doing the right thing or if things are going to pick up, if things are going to be OK for me, I want to see a blue smiley face. And I asked him probably for like three to six months. I didn't see one. And I was like, oh, and it was always in the back of my mind, like blue smiley face. And I never saw one. Then I started doing TikTok and I was walking around in London one day and I got a DM saying,

And it was from this girl and she was like, hey, this is really weird, but I recognize you off TikTok and I think I just saw you walking down a street in London.

And I was like, that was the first time that ever happened to me. And I was like, oh, my God, that's fucking crazy. Like, I was so excited. I was like, that's so insane to me that someone could recognize me off the Internet. And so I responded to her. I was like, oh, I was in London today. It probably was me. And she was like, oh, I was the girl staring at you and smoking a cigarette. And I was like, oh, yeah, I remember seeing you. And then we didn't really speak again after that. She invited me a couple of places and I never went because I was shy and I was going to be with her friends. And I was just like nervous to go. You know what I mean?

And then randomly one day we had an actual conversation. We actually spoke and we hit it off. We've spoken every day since. And the weird thing is, is I meant to say this the first time that she DM me that I clicked this link in her profile and it was a link to some kind of photography page, I think. And it popped up with a logo.

And it was a blue smiley face, like it was the earth, like a picture of the earth. So it's mostly blue with some green and a smiley face on top of it. And I remember thinking, that's kind of weird. Given the context and like everything, I was like, okay, fine.

interesting. So maybe that maybe that's what I asked for. And then we didn't speak again. And then when we did speak again, she was like, I told her that and she was like, bro, that's crazy because she believes in a lot of the same stuff as me. And she was like, I had this feeling that we would be friends. And that's why I messaged you because she was like, my boyfriend made fucking fun of me for it because I told him about it. And he was like, why would you message someone off the internet? That's fucking lame. Because like, I personally would also probably never do it.

And she was like, yeah, I know I would never do it. But like, I just had this feeling that we should be friends. And it's like, just weird, like that I saw her and she's like, I just had to message her. And now she's like top 10 people, no, like top three people that I value in my entire life. And we've become really close. And she's helped me through a lot of situations lately. And I'm moving to London soon. I'm trying to move out of my mom's house. I'm probably lying. I'm probably not going to do it. But

I've been looking for flats in London and it's really hard to find because London's expensive and terrifying. Like, yeah, so I'm trying to move. And then when I do move, we're going to go to the gym together because I've always wanted a gym buddy and she's always wanted a gym buddy. And so that's what we're going to do. And we're going to have tea parties and dinner parties and we're going to have the best time ever.

And I'm so excited. And like, I never meet people that I click with ever. So like I said, I'm very selective with my friendships. And it's really exciting to finally have a new one. And it's very rejuvenating. And you kind of want to put your best foot forward when you finally find someone that you fuck with.

So what I ended up noticing was that there was like things that I was like, oh my God, I wouldn't want her to know this about the way I've been behaving lately or I wouldn't want her to see me like this. And it kind of made me reevaluate like, wait, am I even being like a very good version of myself in this area and this area of my life? And I was like, maybe not the best. Maybe we've not been putting forward our best foot lately. You know what I mean? Oh God, I'm in the most uncomfortable clothes. Anyway, so I feel like good new friendships are really important.

I kind of want to be part of a friendship group one day, but I just don't know how that's ever going to really help for me. Like, I don't... Although I did meet this girl at Fashion Week. Oh my God, I've been dying to talk about this. So...

I actually think I mentioned it on the Call Her Daddy episode, but it was just this girl and like I sat next to her at a fashion show. I'd never met her in my life. And I'd seen her when I was walking in actually, she looked so good. And I just been a little bit intimidated by her because she's just like very classically gorgeous. And I was like, oh my fucking God, scary, scary. And then she sat next to me and I was like, oh my God. And she turned around, she said hi, and we got chatting and whatever. Then when I got home, I saw a message from her and she was like, do you want to get girl dinner this week? And I was like,

Wait, did she see me as an equal? Did this pretty girl see me as an equal? Because like I always feel like a fucking stupid child and I put on these amazing clothes and I go to these shows and I sit in the clothes and I feel like everyone looks better than me. Everyone knows what they're doing more than me. Everybody somehow is more at home in this world than I am.

And it's so nice when I meet someone at one of those events and then they actually like me. And I'm like, oh, you didn't know I had all those insecurities. So that's not the way you viewed me. You just viewed me like every other girl that's there who probably has the same fucking insecurities that I do, probably feels as silly as I do, but they just don't show it. And then people want to be their friend and people are attracted to them in like not attracted to them, but like attracted to them, like you're drawn to them because they just seem like cool and awesome.

I was so flattered because I usually don't like meet new and this isn't the same girl that I was talking about right before. This is like literally some random girl that I sat next to at a show and I actually didn't end up getting dinner with her, which is really fucking sad because I was so busy and I didn't have the time. Are you itchy? You're so cute and beautiful.

I also think having a dog makes me not care to like socialize that much because I just look at her and I have everything I need. I have a warm body to cuddle up to at night. I have someone to talk to. I have someone who loves me. What else do I need? Do you know what I mean? Like she is my daughter, my best friend. I just, oh, get a dog. That is all I have right now. I might go get in my PJs and get a little comfy and maybe we'll take this upstairs. If that's not too forward, come on.

Okay, welcome to my bed. I honestly think I'm going to do a lot of episodes in here. Get a little bit comfy, get a little bit cozy, you know what I mean? So, okay, what the fuck were we talking about before? I think I was going on about friendships. There's just so many situations in my life where I'm like, I genuinely would not be the person that I am without...

like, a consistent female friendship being in my life. Also, I feel like if you're lucky enough to have one good solid friendship in your life, that is as lucky in my brain as finding a partner that you never divorce or never break up with. Even though actually, you know, that whole thing about like, wasting time in relationships, or like, everyone's scared to like get with someone in case you get a divorce. Why does that scare people? I never understand that. Because I'm like,

I don't care if I date you for 20 years of my life and then we get a divorce. I still enjoyed those 20 years. I mean, hopefully, unless you were evil, but like,

I never have gotten out of a relationship or a friendship and then been like, that was a fucking waste of time because we didn't end up together forever. I've never started a relationship or a friendship with the idea of being together forever. And people who do scare the living fuck out of me... I dated this person once, and I remember that they were always kind of offended that I didn't want to marry them. And it actually was the thing that ended up driving the biggest wedge between us because it was my ex and she was like...

But I could see myself marrying you given nothing goes wrong between here and now. And I'm like...

That's fucking crazy to me. Like, I want to get to know you. I want to observe you for 10 plus years before I'm even thinking about marrying you. Like, why are you thinking about marrying me? You don't know me. That just shows me you're looking for a relationship. You're not looking for me. It's like there's always a difference between people that want a relationship or want the person that's in front of them. And learning that was probably the biggest curveball of my fucking tiny little life because I realized in that relationship specifically that you need...

Like when someone maybe even on a first date is like looking for a relationship, it's kind of a red flag to me because, yeah, they might genuinely then like you. And it's good to date someone that's ready for a relationship. But I had literally been dating someone that didn't even care. I was just a body. I was just a means to an end. Like they just wanted companionship. They just wanted someone. And I was tolerable to them to be that person. But it wasn't like I don't know, every time I've personally been in a relationship,

I've never looked for one. I've never sought one out. Like I said, I love being alone. I've genuinely never felt an urge to be in a relationship. So every time I have been, it's been because I've met that person and just fallen for them and wanted to be with them so badly. It's never been like I've sought out like I think I've been on a dating app once in my life when I was like 18 and it was Tinder for like a week.

You know what I mean? And I probably definitely 100% just wanted to hook up. And that I did get, actually. I have some Tinder fucking horror stories. Maybe that could be an entire episode. Wait, that could be so fun. Could you guys write in...

maybe like Instagram and tell me your Tinder horror stories because that would be fucking funny for me personally to read. I just want to read them. So I met my best friend when we were 13 and she has become the most special person in my life because she's filled in. She knows everything about me. She's so accepting and we're very different people. I feel like that's actually very valuable in a friendship because I have friendships where I'm super similar to them and they feel like solace to me. I'm like, God, you get it. You're...

just as awful as I am. Then I have friends that are a little bit better than me. And those friendships, I personally find to be so important because the amount of times that I nearly just kind of flew off the face of the earth and just went fully fucking insane. And then my best friend Millie was there just being so incredibly stable.

and such a figure of like this is what life could be and should be and just this is what normality is in case you forget and then I just look at her and I'm like oh and then I tell her the things that go on for me and the fuckeries that I do and encounter and her reaction is that of like what the fuck you know what I mean and she's definitely got desensitized to it over the years but she's so valuable to me in the sense that she really keeps me

grounded why do I talk with my hands so much when I podcast I feel like Boris Johnson anyway she like I love her so much and she just makes me want to live life and have fun like she is such girl in her 20s vibe she goes out she takes little fucking like holidays I mean I'm like girl if you can buy a flight from Ryanair and pop away this weekend to go get pissed in Ibiza with your mates I'm

I can loosen the fuck up a little bit too, because I'm always like, I can't go anywhere. I can't do anything. I'm busy. And the only reason I'm ever busy is because I've aired everybody for weeks and I need to get back to work and I need, I've got things to do. But like, I actually wouldn't be that busy if I would just deal with things as they came. But God forbid I would ever do that. Like, she's just so much fun. And actually, I kind of had to stop

trying to be like her because I remember we went out for her birthday last year and that was the first time we'd ever been clubbing together. We've been friends since we were 13. We'd never been clubbing together because we went to different unis. We live so far apart. And so we've just never done it. And I think actually it was the first time we'd even been drunk together, which is crazy. And we went out clubbing and she is just so full of life and so full of love. And she was just dancing and singing and we did karaoke and she was having so much fun. And I was just like, God, I wish I was more like you. Like I've never been...

one of those girls to be able to just like have fun on a night out and I fucking hate that like I'm just not a let loose kind of girl and it makes me honestly feel like I'm missing out on life because I see all my friends of similar ages going out and having these amazing experiences and like island hopping Europe for like 10 pounds a day and like having such a good time with it and I'm like I just don't enjoy it and I wish that I did

And it's so lame. And I don't know if anyone can relate or if people that are watching this podcast are actually a lot more fucking fun than I am. But it's just like, also, I don't know if anyone's going to relate to this. I always thought that one day my body was going to become a woman's body. And I just waited on it. I waited to grow. I waited to have boobs. I waited to have a bum and thighs and everything.

It never happened for me. And I feel like it almost stunted the way that I behave a bit because I don't feel like I've had this like transformation. Whereas a lot of my friends that I grew up with that were more shy or awkward and that were a really good fit for me growing up, they have these great tits and like they're a little bit taller than me and they have big bums. And I'm like, sometimes it genuinely makes me feel like I'm not one of the girlies because I'm really short.

If anyone asks, I'm six foot three and I have no tits, no ass, and I know it's not valid. I fully know that. But sometimes I just feel like I am... Look, like I sometimes just feel like even when I meet people, like new people that are my own age...

I speak to them as if they're older than me, or I speak to them as if they're presuming that I am less mature than them or less capable than them. And I think it's just a little bit of imposter syndrome because maybe I especially find myself in a lot of rooms that I feel unqualified to be in. So maybe that's also part of it. But I know this was happening and I was feeling this way before I started going to events that are new to me. So it's like, I know I feel this way. And it's like, I just thought that one day I would have this

be a woman. And I'm like, I know I'm a woman, but I still don't feel like I've done that jump. But I'm 23. I feel like a child in every room that I'm in. And I think it's because of my body. And it's really fucked up.

I hate it. And I don't know, like even when I'm with girls of a similar age to me and like say there's two girls and then there's me and they're getting on like a fucking house on fire. I always take a back seat in that situation because I feel like they're the grownups and I'm a kid. And I think it's also partly because I'm shy. I don't know what it is. I just very rarely feel like someone's equal. And then I think people also perceive that. I think that they can tell that I don't fully think that I am their equal.

and treat me kind of accordingly but it's also hard when someone's being quiet you don't really know what to do with that and I get it because when someone's quiet around me I'm like I don't really know what necessarily to do like I don't know if I'm making you uncomfortable by talking to you I don't know what you want because you're fucking silent so I get that people probably feel like that with me but that kind of just makes it worse and then I spiral and then I definitely don't say anything

You know what I mean? Even remember I told you guys earlier that that girl from that fashion show asked to hang out with me after the show and I was super flattered. I'm pretty sure we're around the same age. But when she asked to hang out with me, I was like, you want to hang out with me? A child, a little girl, girl, that's your equal. Or like even when she like was just talking to me like any other girl at Fashion Week, I was like, oh my God, am I just another girl who is at Fashion Week who has just as much right to be here as anyone else?

Is that what I am? Surely not. Like, that's crazy. But I think that might be the truth. I hypothesize that I actually might have as much right to be in a room as another person that is in that same room. Crazy, right? I remember telling my friend this once. This was when I started to date my last relationship. And I said to my friend at the time, I was like, I...

feel like every room that I walk into lately I shouldn't be there like every time I'm with this person I feel almost bad because why do I get to suddenly go to these cool things and meet these cool people because I didn't earn this and they were like babe it doesn't matter how you get in a room the second you're in the room you deserve to be there as much as the next person and I was like

Yeah, you're fucking right. Like if you by hook and by crook, get yourself through a door, you've got yourself through the door, doesn't matter how you did it, you deserve to be there. Now go socialize, go talk to someone, hold yourself with fucking confidence. Like, and I feel like I need to remind myself of that a lot, because I definitely have a lot of imposter syndrome. Because like, you've got to remember, before I ever did social media, I was a watcher.

I was on the other end of the screen. I was watching. And I started this kind of late, like, I feel like most people start in maybe they're teenagers or whatever. Like, I'm 23. It's not, I've been watching for a while. And so it's like, I remember I would watch and I would kind of see these people go to these crazy events. And I'd be like, damn, like, what the fuck did they do to get there or like deserve that?

Anyway, it's something that I really need to work on because I think I jeopardize myself, especially when it comes to making new friends and enjoying new experiences. Like I'm not letting myself enjoy those new experiences very much because I'm just constantly like, well, I don't deserve to be here. So why should I enjoy it? You know what I mean? Like...

Shut up. I'm really fucking hungry. What did I eat today? I had a cheese toasty from Starbucks. I used to love those. I've gone off of them. The five cheese toasty. I don't think they have that in America. The drinks at Starbucks in America are so much better because their large cup is like double a large cup in the UK. And there's something about an iced coffee that like I will drink half of it every time. If I get a small, I'm drinking half of it. If I get a large, I'm drinking half of it.

But I love when the cup is unnecessarily large. It genuinely makes me so fucking happy. It makes me so fucking happy. And...

That's what I get. That's the feeling I can have in America. And then they have Dunkin Donuts and their cups. I'm not even shitting you. They're like this fucking big. I'm never going to drink that much coffee ever, but I love holding them. That's a reason to move to America if I ever heard one. I kind of want to move there because it's coming into English winter time. And that is not something that is ever kind on my mental health because it gets dark at like 3 p.m. And I hear that it's similar in parts of America, but I'm like,

yeah, but there's parts of America that stay kind of warm during the winter and like, it's not going to be completely gray every day. And I'm like tempted. The thing is, I don't think I would do well in LA. I don't know if you've garnered that, garnered that, gained that,

great insight from this podcast, but I don't think LA and me would necessarily merge well. Like, I find people in London scary, I would definitely find people in LA scary. And I don't think that I would have an easy time finding people because I don't know anyone that lives there. I don't have any friends that live there, I'd get super lonely. And it would just be weird, I think. But I want to move to America. And I want to move to a warm part of it, because the UK is just not doing it for me. And so I was like, what about

Is it called Wisconsin? Wyoming. I really want to move there. Because every time... I say every time. I've gone to LA twice. But whenever I've flown, I always look out the window the whole fucking time. And whenever you fly into LA, you fly over Wyoming. And it is just vast nothingness. And I think that I could get a cheap house out there. Not purchase it, duh. Get like an Airbnb. And then get a big fucking...

rent a dead truck like my car but truck version that's what I want you to think that for me is my absolute life goal like I would be so fucking happy then there's also the side of me that's like I would love to live in New York and be a hot sexy girl in my 20s in New York and then there's the part of me that wants to go wear overalls in Wyoming and own a truck maybe I'll do both I was actually considering doing both three months in Wyoming give myself culture shock and go to New York and

You know what I mean? Like, fuck it. Why not? I've always wanted to own a truck really, really bad. Obviously, my car's...

It sounds like a truck. It's pretty close. But I've actually got this very intense plan. And what I'm going to do is, no matter where my life goes, how successful or unsuccessful I may be in this lifetime, when I turn 60, yeah, mark my words, I'm going off the fucking grid. I'm getting a trucking license. And it will be an American trucking license because fuck trucking in the UK. That is so boring. The roads are tiny. It's ugly everywhere. It rains. I'm not doing it. But the big open roads in America...

What goes in those trucks, by the way? The trucks that go over multiple state lines. Like, obviously, truckers are known for stopping at like motel sixes and shit, right? And like, I remember me and my mum did a road trip over the States when I was like 12. My dad had left and we did a lot of road tripping after he left. I think it soothed my mother. I'm not entirely sure. But I remember we road tripped around France. And we road tripped around the States when I was like, I don't know, 11, 12. And

We would just stop in Motel 6s every night and we had this like rental car. And that's like my best childhood memories. And I remember at the Motel 6s, there would always be truckers and my mom talks to everyone. So we would always chat with them. And that's when it became my fucking dream to become a trucker. But like genuinely, if you have to sleep overnight in your truck, you have to get a motel or you sleep in the little cabins in the truck. Please tell me what's in there that needs to be transported like that. Because it's obviously not food. Sofas?

But like there's so many trucks and for so many separate companies, car parts. I guess there's actually a lot of valid answers to what could need to go in one of those trucks. But like, could you not fly it? Like what is it that goes in the trucks that needs to be so transported so far? Like why is there not a car part place closer to the person that needs it than like having to get a truck that goes six miles? What is in them? That's what I want to fucking know.

But yeah, that's my dream. Basically, when I'm 60, I want to get a trucking license and then I want to get a black Labrador. And then like from a rescue shelter, I probably won't end up with a black lab, but I will end up with some kind of rescue dog. And we're going to go trucking together and we're going to stop in Motel 6s. And I'm really excited for that portion of my life because it's very soothing to me because I'm like, well, things are really tumultuous now and God knows what's even going on. But like, I know one day I'm going to be in my truck with my dog and things are just going to be fine. That'll be my retirement era.

We're going to thrive. Maybe I'll still be podcasting. You guys can come. Fuck it. There's space in the truck for all of us. Okay. Well, that was it. That was the first episode of Pretty Lonesome. Thank you for listening. And I'm very excited. We're going to do this every Monday for an extended period of time. I'm very nervous. But I appreciate you being here more than you know. And I will see you next Monday. Same time, same place, bitch. All right. I love you. Bye.