Sexuality, Relationships & Boundaries
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Hello! I thought that we would start off nice and slow and easy today by jumping immediately into the depths, the nuances of my sexuality. Does that sound good with everyone? Because I have so many thoughts on this subject and if I don't impart them onto someone else soon, I will combust. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to put all my thoughts into your head and then I'm going to sleep very soundly tonight, if that suits everybody.

So the reason that I started even thinking about this was because I was scrolling through my For You page and it dawned on me how many different pieces of information there are nowadays on sexuality. Do you know what I mean? And like how many choices there are and like not that there's ever been more or less choices, but now you have like the names for them, the explanations, the like

you know that they exist you know which is brilliant no flaw there however I was thinking if if that if I was 16 or 15 now because I feel like for a lot of people your early to mid-teen years is when you really start to figure out your sexuality because you start really liking people for the first time that's when it all starts happening you know and I was like if I was presented with this much information then would it have stunted my growth or aided it and I was thinking honestly

I think it would have stunted it because I tortured myself until very recently. I tortured myself with the whole labels thing. And it is something I've been kind of like nervous to talk about because I've just seen so much unpleasantness around it.

especially around queer women changing their label that is is like to me the scariest thing to talk about because for some reason right it's like fine for straight women to like dabble in in like women in other women and and it somehow it doesn't change their label somehow it's not harmful to any community but as a gay woman hypothetically a gay woman you cannot dabble in men for

That's harmful. You're speaking poorly on the community's behalf. You're harmful. You know, all these things. And whilst I feel like it's important to not take it into your own heart as any individual to like not be the contributor to negative stereotypes, you know, you're not responsible for the prejudices of weird men and bad people. However, it's important, I think, when...

when you have any level of platform to recognize the power that you do have to contribute to those stereotypes even if your experience is very authentic and in a room full of queer people they're going to know exactly what you're talking about you do also have to understand your reach and understand what you might be contributing to even if it's not right even if it's not the way the world should work it is the way the world works

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So that's what I've been thinking about a lot recently regarding talking about my sexuality, because it's just not a straightforward experience that I've had. And I don't think anyone's experience with their sexuality is straightforward. But I feel like as queer women, we are shunned out of talking about it a lot more. I don't know. For me...

I really struggled to find a label and actually stopped me coming out. I mean, I had my first girlfriend when I was 15 and I came out to my dad at 21, right? Like that is how deep in my own mind I was about coming out. And it's not like I never see my dad. Like I see him every couple months. Like he's relatively frequently in my life, you know? And I couldn't come out to him until I was 21. Was I even 22? No, I was 21. Yeah, I was 21. And

It was like the most terrifying experience of my life, but it ended well. Like he did not give a fuck. Of course he didn't give a fuck. It wasn't about him giving a fuck. My fear around telling my dad or even telling anyone was that I couldn't go back on my word, which is so wrong to be afraid of. I felt like if I couldn't accurately describe myself, that I could not, I didn't feel like I had the privilege to be wrong. I didn't feel like the people who surrounded me

were people who would allow me to grow. Like, to say, oh, damn it. Like, I thought I was that. Hey, look, I'm not.

Do you know what I mean? And I will say this now. I think you can never be wrong about your sexuality. If you at one point in your life say, I identify with this label. And at another point in your life, you say, I identify with this label now. You weren't wrong when you said the first thing, right? If that was genuine to you at the time and you were saying that with the information you had and the way that you had felt up to that point or the way that you had acknowledged that you feel...

then that was true for you. It might not have been accurate, but it was true. So I don't feel like you can be wrong here and right here. It's one big journey and you're right at every single point of it. It just might not be accurate. Do you know what I mean? Like, but you're never wrong. And I hate that people can be shunned into feeling a certain kind of way about the way that they might identify at one point versus another point.

That is something that pisses me off. I think that you can never be wrong as long as you're being authentic. It's literally impossible to be wrong. Do you know? It's just so silly. And that's something that I had to get to grips with a lot because the interesting thing about me, and I feel like for me, my sexuality aligns with my personality a little bit. I could have and consistently will have, have had, will have, always do, have experiences with people

sexual or romantic that I actually don't want, that I'm not interested in, but I will do it anyway, even if it doesn't align with either the label that I'm identifying with or my sexuality genuinely. I have been in relationships I don't want to be in for long periods of time, not because I don't want to not be there because the person's abusive, although that might be the case as well. It's like I literally don't want to be there and I don't know why I do it. I don't know why I commit to people I don't want to commit to.

I don't do it anymore, but I've definitely been guilty of it. And it's like, I feel a lot of like, it's almost like my fluidity in life is like across the board. And

I used to identify with a label that I do not identify with anymore. And at one point, I just had to surrender to this like weird fear, this weird like, yeah, fear that I had of being wrong and just say, my label is queer and I don't feel the need to specify because I cannot. It's not part of my sexuality. It's not in alignment with my personality. And it doesn't make me happy to personally

put myself in a box. I think boxes are healthy for some people and unhealthy for others. When I was younger, I loved stereotypes. They brought me comfort because I was young and I didn't have much else to fall back on. When I first realized I was gay, I did the classic baby gay thing. And I think that baby gay is such a thing because it's like you over identify with a community because you didn't feel part of it before and suddenly you are part of it.

And so you're like, okay, this is where I need to be. This is what I need to do. But you don't actually know how you as an individual fit into the community. So you go to the, you do the classic thing, right? Very Shannon Beveridge era of dressing 2016 vibes. Like I did it, all of my exes did it very classic. And we were all like 17 doing this, like dressing the exact same, behaving the exact same, taking on different,

toxic behaviors that we were being shown and I think yeah boxers can be healthy when you need them

Some people might enjoy being them, being in them or using them as like a perimeter their whole lives, which is not unhealthy. That's fine. If that's for you, that's for you. But other people, they're going to feel like the box is not a comfortable place to be. For me, that's how it was. And I think that's like more to do with my personality than my sexuality. But those things intertwine and that you can't unentwine them. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

But yeah, I think that's interesting because I was thinking boxes, labels, stereotypes, they helped me know, find a sense of comfort, find a sense of like belonging when I first became was trying to become comfortable being part of the community.

And I liked labels and I jumped around between them a lot. I didn't know which one fit me. At first, I did the classic where you come out as bisexual. And then for a while, I thought maybe I'm a lesbian. And then it kind of settled on me just being very queer. And I love the word queer. I think that the words lesbian and queer are two of the prettiest words to write down on paper ever. They look so nice.

And I love both those words. For me, queer just aligns a little bit better. And I just like how nonspecific it is and such an umbrella term. I also like the term gay, but I feel like it is an umbrella term for the whole community. But I feel like sometimes it has stronger connotations to only liking the same sex. Do you know what I mean? I feel like it has a slightly stronger, so I just want to be careful with how I use the word gay. Although I say it all the time, I say I'm gay. But then I do feel like sometimes people can get

just assume that you mean exclusive same-sex attraction which I don't want to mislead anyone but I I mean the first time I liked a boy was well into my adult life I say well into my adult life as if I'm old I'm literally 22 but I remember how much it shocked me and I think the reason it shocked me so much is because having only dated girls before I

It was like I had, like it was almost part of my personality, but not in a way that I had asked for it to be. This episode is brought to you by Mejuri. You know, I had a thought the other day. Since Rwanda jewelry becomes something we only bought on special occasions.

Mejuri approaches fine jewelry a little bit differently. Each one of their pieces is handcrafted by jewelers committed to quality craftsmanship as well as ethical and sustainable jewelry production. Created by women for women, Mejuri is breaking down barriers in what has long been an exclusive and occasional category of men buying for women.

In 2020, the brand launched the Missouri Empowerment Fund in support of higher education for underrepresented women and non-binary individuals. Because fine jewelry doesn't have to cost the world, feel good about your jewelry in more ways than one. Start stacking your favorites, shop online or visit the website to find a store near you. I remember there was a period of time I had some friends from school, they weren't very good friends, and I would like walk up to a bar, say, and they would literally not say this is Madeline, they would say this is my lesbian friend.

And it was like part of my personality. And at this point in my life, I was dressing a little bit more masculine. I definitely portrayed myself in a very different way. This was back when I found a lot of comfort in labels. And I remember thinking like, huh,

Like even back then, I was like, I don't know if this label actually is my, what I feel comfortable with. I don't know if it does accurately portray the way I feel. And if it doesn't, how do I go back on it? Because all these people think this of me. And yeah.

I don't want to like strip that piece of my personality away. And then I just got rid of those friends and everything got a lot easier. And nothing is as deep as it seems when you're 17. Thank God. I remember thinking like people almost put it into like who you are. And I hate that. I find that so weird. Like if I don't want it to be part of my personality to the extent where you're introducing me by it,

Then why are you making it like that? If I wanted it to be, that is fine. You can do that. For me, it wasn't the case. And I feel like a lot of people feel the same where it's like almost a defining characteristic, which is so weird because I would just never introduce my friend and say, oh, this is my straight friend. Yeah, it's rough, actually. Not that I have any of those. I actually don't have any of those, which is hilarious. I thought I had a few friends

Many people have had a couple of revelations in the last year. It's been a hilarious year. Like everyone I know, I don't know if this has like been a worldwide experience for people. So many people that I know have decided that they do not align with the label that they had been going by. But we're all in our 20s.

So it's just that bit more surprising when someone who has been persistent in their label, like, no. And it's like, I have a lot of friends who dress, like, dress really queer. And you would look at them on the street and you would think, oh, OK, interesting. You know, you clock them.

they're straight and it's so upsetting like I have this one friend who like objectively looking stereotyping doing all the things you're not meant to do you would think that she was part of the community and she's not well she wasn't and then she was and it's funny because around the same time she realized that she's actually bisexual I realized that I like boys and it's so funny because

It's like the two people that you just wouldn't have expected, although I expected and I'm sure she expected internally and externally we were both like, wait, what? Where the fuck did that come from? It's so weird. Although I have, I mean...

It's not that I've, like, never liked boys prior to this, like, point in my life, but I just never thought of myself as someone who could actually date one. Like, they just didn't seem worthwhile to me, probably because I was a little bit younger. And I've got to be so real with you. Like, dating...

a man in his mid-20s is you're in a much better position than dating a teenage boy do you know what I mean so maybe like my resistance previous to this point in my life was actually just called logic because I definitely felt like some attraction but it was always like so superficial like you'd just see them you'd think they're cute nine times out of ten it would be the classic conundrum of I actually just hope they think I'm cute rather than I think they're cute

I remember I always used to pay attention to that when I was really trying to figure out if I liked boys or not. And it was always like, do I want him to think I'm cute or do I actually think he is cute? And it would always be, no, I just want him to think I'm cute. Brilliant. Another one bites the dust. Until it wasn't like that. And that's fine. I think for me, being a woman with a brain and the ability to love other women, it's kind of like,

men very easily fall into the background. But now that we're all a little bit older, they're a bit more attractive to me. I also hate dating. That's that's another thing is like, dating doesn't make much sense to me. Unless you have gripped me by the soul. It makes no sense. If I fancy someone, I'm not going to date them. Like, and it's hard to fall in love with someone unless you're dating them. So for me, for the

I just don't really see the point. We're so young. And some people don't feel that young in their 20s, which is crazy to me. I've never felt younger than in my 20s. I've never been so aware that I know nothing than in my 20s, if that makes sense. Like I felt like I knew everything in my teen years. And in my 20s, I'm very aware of how young I am. So like, it's like the older I get, the younger I feel.

the more scared I feel, but also the more steady I feel, which is pretty nice. Like I realized the other day, I was like, wow, do you know what? Nothing feels like so big anymore. Like things can go wrong and I can still get up in the morning, which is really nice. Really nice. Because it used to be like, I used to feel so scared to have certain experiences or put myself out there.

because I felt like if it went wrong, I wouldn't be able to cope. And like, it would be like detrimental for a while. So I would just stop putting myself out there because I was like, I can't deal if it goes wrong. I don't want my life to fucking fall to shreds again. Whereas now, I feel ever so slightly more capable. And I'm like, okay, if shit, if shit hits the fan, I will be okay. And not 100% okay. But like, it's like,

I don't think I'm in that same vulnerable position to have my life be completely unlivable again. The last time that happened, I was 19 and I'd just gotten out of a relationship, a very bad one, a very, very unpleasant relationship. But what's funny is actually the relationship itself was not that bad. The relationship itself, I was very unaware of all the red flags that were like under my nose. So I was thinking, this is great, this is brilliant.

You know, like, I trust this person with all of those parameters I'd set around trust, right? I think I got with her when I was 18. So, you know, I had a lot of definitions of trust, love, respect, boundaries in my brain, right, at 18. Did I fuck? Did I fuck? So it was hard for her to overstep my boundaries because I fucking had none. Not a one boundary in sight. And when we ended...

shit seriously hit the fan and I felt blindsided by the way it ended because I was like oh my god this just ended so badly but this person was so good and so trustworthy and so loving and the more I grew and reflected on the relationship I think okay you know what that ending was not surprising it actually was incredibly foreseeable and if anything um not as dramatic as it could have been given the person I was dealing with do you know what I mean like

seriously like there could have been an actual fatality involved like that's how fucking bad it was like on either end as well like I wouldn't have been that surprised if this bitch tried to like take me out I'm just kidding I would have been very shocked but like it was bad it was terrible and so I felt so shocked and I shouldn't have felt shocked why what am I on about boundaries

boundaries are important I spent a couple years developing some after that relationship ended and I still really struggle now like I really struggle to not allow someone to overstep my boundaries or I set my boundaries I don't tell them about my boundaries which is crazy I always thought you should but you shouldn't you're giving them the cheat code

to know how to fuck around with you if you tell them this is how i'm going to feel respected loved blah blah that's brilliant in a long-term relationship in fact it's very necessary but i think if you do it too soon you're just giving them a cheat code you just need to sit back and observe you need to take a fucking seat and watch who this person is and if they align with you very closely you can tell them the specifics but no nowhere nowhere near the start you cannot be doing that

That was a valuable lesson to learn. I didn't learn it myself. I learned it off TikTok. And it's one of the only things on TikTok that I've learned and retained because I was like, okay, noted. Don't tell them all the ways that you want to be treated in the first place. Set your boundaries in your own brain. And if they overstep them without knowing them,

you set them some kind of warning like all right if they do that again how important was that boundary to me if they do that again do I have to leave do I have to have a conversation with them about it like at some point you have to communicate I'm not saying don't communicate I'm saying sit back and observe at first for for a while because otherwise you don't actually know who you're dating you just know how they're acting around you and how they're you know trying to get you to love them you need to actually see the way that they

authentically interact with you if that makes sense so I started doing that in my relationships now although I did take a vow at 21 no at 20 I took a vow to not date till I'm 25 which has obviously gone down the absolute shitter but I did at least hold out for a few years um I just think no I actually have no excuse I did say 25 and I've lost 100 pounds I've lost 100 pounds

But it's fine because so did the other person. So it kind of evens out. Do you know what I mean? Anyways, anyways, anyways, anyways. I think the setting of boundaries is so hard because for me anyway, like I was not raised in a house where like the word boundaries was thrown around. But obviously there were boundaries that we just didn't talk about them or verbalize them with each other.

So when I first had to sit down with a partner and say like, hey, okay, you, this is the certain type of behavior I'm not going to tolerate. If you speak to me like this again, I'm absolutely fucking gone. Do you know what I mean? Like when I had to really set some serious boundaries with the person for the first time, I felt terrible. I was like, I am an abuser. I am.

a narcissist am I giving this person an ultimatum am I abusive and I had to have a serious discussion with myself about it because I was like um that is absolutely not what's happening and I had to remind myself like every step of the way that setting boundaries is not abuse and

But for some reason, it really felt like it was. But setting boundaries is definitely the best thing I've ever done. And I think just keeping them, keeping strict to them in your own mind is the only thing that counts. It doesn't matter how much you communicate them to your partner. If you communicate your boundary every time they overstep it,

then what are you doing? Because they're going to overstep it 10 times. The only thing that really matters is that you know, right, if it's overstepped three times, I'm out. Or maybe you have one that is if it's even overstepped once you're out.

because some things are far too big to overlook, obviously. But, you know, set those like limits in your own head because it's so easy once you like someone. Once you're at the phase where they're going to overstep boundaries, say like a three-month mark, right, four-month mark, people start getting a little bit fucking cheeky. You're already fucked because you already like this person. You've already built an attachment to this person. You're already in it a bit. And so you're going to think, oh,

oh, but they are a good person. I don't think they're going to do it again. Or, oh, they didn't mean to. Oh, this is why they did it. And you start excusing their fucking behavior. And suddenly when you said, you know, when you got into the relationship, you said, right, if this boundaries over twice, I'm out. Suddenly it's the fifth time and you're making excuses. And I've seen it happen too many times and I've done it too many times. And I have no advice because I still fucking do it all the time.

With my friendships, relationships, with quite literally everyone, I let people overstep all my boundaries. God, that's actually really tragic. I need to stop doing that. Anyways, I think I've overshared sufficiently for one afternoon. Let me know what you guys want to hear about, what you want to chat about.

Fuck knows. I've been binge watching podcasts for like a week to try and understand how these things are done. And I am still in the dark very much so. So if you know a little bit more than me about how the fuck this is meant to work, absolutely feel free to let me know. I'd love to hear from you.

but until then let me know what you guys want to hear about what you want to talk about because I don't want to sit here and talk to myself that badly I mean I do it all the time so I do that 23 hours a day let me have one hour where it's a two-way conversation please I'm begging you because I'm actually very lonely and on that note I love you