The spoon murderer
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Hello, everybody. Welcome back to another week's episode of Pretty Lonesome. Today, I am reaching you directly from my bed in my new house, okay? I'm gonna get into all that in a minute. I've had a very long and intriguing day. Do you guys know I have a stalker? Uh...

Let's start by talking about that. And I have never spoken about this before because I am terrified and I don't want to upset them. But it occurred to me, they don't know they're stalking me. So I can actually say this. They have no idea they're stalking me. And so I was like, okay, well, if I talk about them online, then yeah, it's okay because they're not going to know.

Um, so that's interesting. But I, um, I recently received some very upsetting communications, we'll call it that, from them. And I was just looking at it. I just saw it. And, um, and that's what made me think of that. Um, and I genuinely, I don't know how I feel about it. I actually, do you know, I hired a private investigator? Well, why would you know that? Because I'm probably not ever meant to say this online ever. But I hired a private investigator. This was a while ago. Um,

And they did their private investigating and they came back to me and they were like, you know what's scary? This person doesn't exist. And I was like, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you mean? They were like, yeah, none of this checks out. The name, the address, the number, everything. Not real. No.

They don't exist. And I was like, okay, so what you're telling me is I know this person in real life and they've created a fake, okay, personality, okay. You're telling me this person is in my house right now, is what you're saying. Anyways, that scared the fuck out of me.

fucking living shit out of me because I thought I kind of knew where in the world they were at the very least I was like okay well you know you know Russia's not that close to me so I'm they aren't in Russia just saying that to throw them off my scent but um but I was like oh yeah whatever like Russia good luck you know uh as if that's not like a five-hour flight and I'm literally in danger but

I just kind of thought, like, at least I know where they are and I just won't go to that country. You know what I mean? And, like, I don't know. But it's not my first rodeo either, which is insane because actually, who do I think I am to be having more than one stalker? But one time when I was at university, so I used to have this window, okay? And it was the only window in my room. This is lockdown time, so I had not seen the sun in, like, a year. So I put my desk in front of the window and I would sit there all day. I was a psycho at university. I would study for, like,

like nine hours a day well I don't know actually I never did the math but I would wake up 7 30 and I would be at my desk at 8 and I would have showered made breakfast I was so insane and then I would sit there and I would take a break around 11 40 and then I would sit back down and I would finish at around half past five and if I was feeling it I would go to like six or seven that was every day

Do you understand how badly I burn out from that? And the thing is, that's fine if you're also doing other things, but it was lockdown. And so that was all I did. And I wouldn't see anyone and I wouldn't speak to anyone. And I just, but this was right before I started doing TikTok. And I think that the intense loneliness to the level of I'm going to literally go insane was so good for me. Like it really was. And it's like how I learned to be so comfortable with myself, but I would not wish it on my worst enemy. It was actually the worst fucking period of my life. But the point is,

of this story is because I was always sat in front of this window okay this guy

he walked past me one day walking his fucking dog and his dog stopped to like piss on the wall. And I laughed because I thought so. And I had my window open. It was one of those sash windows that you like throw up. And I would always open it up and then like stack my books so that it would stay open. Cause it was like old and broken. And I would sit there and I loved it. Okay. And this guy walks past his dog's pissing and he looks through the window and he, he looks at me and I laugh cause I'm like, hi, your dog's pissing. Ha ha. Um,

Um, and I laugh and I smile at him. He's like an older guy. He's like 40 or 50 years old, like kind of a massive man, by the way, like seven foot tall. And I look up, I just give him a smile and a laugh. Um, yeah, this man proceeds to walk past my window with his fucking shit, stupid dog. It's not the dog's fault. It's that was, that was nasty of me, but he continues to walk past my window every day. Okay. With

This dog, and for some fucking reason, he would like stop and look in and smile at me and wait for me to like laugh again.

For like a week of him doing this, I was like, okay, like he's just some creep kind of weird, like lonely older guy walking his dog. And this is his walk route. Like, I'm not going to think he's weird. And then on like one month of this, I started to get uncomfortable because he would also try and like say things to me through my window. And I was like, okay, it's definitely a little bit weird. So I started to study with my blinds closed. Now this in combination with, I haven't left my house in six months or seen another person, um,

recipe for disaster, okay? Because I was studying so hard, no sunlight, no fresh air, just dark, dingy room and me. And that was the start of the largest decline of my mental health in history, okay? That was the start.

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And then it would get to the point where they were like slatted blinds, you know, like it wasn't like a curtain. It was like slat. So I could kind of see through it. If you looked up, you could see through it. And then this one time I see this like shadowy figure on the outside of my blinds, like the middle of the day. But I'm like, why is there a big dark patch in my blinds? Okay. I'm looking out the window, like sneaking a peek.

And it's the guy and he's just stood there. And I was like, oh, I knew you were fucking with me. I knew it. Like, he's just there. And I was like, oh, my God. And my blood went fucking cold. And he stood there for maybe five or 10 seconds. And then he moved on. And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. What the fuck was that? Okay.

So then I start getting really freaked out. And one night I'm laying in bed, just minding my business. I'm on my phone. My bed faced the window, but my blinds are closed because it's the middle of the night. And I see a shadowy figure outside. Mind you, there was a street lamp directly outside of my bed. I'm going to put up a picture of this room so you guys can really see what the fuck I'm talking about. There was a lamp right outside my window, like a street lamp.

So it casts a shadow. He stood in front of my window. And I'm like, this has to be the same fucking who the fuck else is stood right in front of my window. And it's like the middle of the night, I was freaking the fuck out. So I peek out. Yes, it's him. Okay. So I'm like, okay, now I know you're fucking insane. So I start sleeping with my clothes horse pressed up against the window. So if he tries to like get in, because mind you, this window barely had a lock on it. This is like an

old run down university house in Canterbury okay the front doors barely had locks on them okay and it's like not a safe area Canterbury's kind of

It's kind of crazy. And like Canterbury just, there isn't a market that, or there is, it's very small. There isn't a market of like rich students. Okay. You know how you have those universities in America where it's like everyone, like they do the interviews and they're like, do your parents pay for your tuition? All the kids like, yeah. Okay. There was none of that where I went to school. Although I did have one, which, which I, we had one, which one, Flandre.

uh he played lacrosse but that's besides the point there was not a market for super nice student housing in this city because no one was able to afford it so all of the houses were pig-sized shit tips like just actually in mold ridden no locks on the doors no locks on the windows the most grimy landlords you've ever met in your life

So my window is like this old sash window and it's, it's a singular pane of glass. Okay. You could break it by flicking it. And the lock is a one that the landlord has installed himself. And he's just drilled a little hole into the wood and put one of those sliding locks on it. But it's like,

the lock is too thick for the hole and it kind of only it just wedges in there a little bit and that's the lock it's not a it's not a real lock okay so I'm freaking out so I put the fucking thing against the window I'm like okay if he breaks in I'm gonna hear it it's fine my bedroom door locks so I'm good on that front right um

There was a day, a couple weeks after the nighttime scary, where I got a mail. I got a mail, yes. I got mail and I opened the door talking to the postman, who, by the way, I used to flirt with at this house. Oh my God, he was...

so attractive i kind of miss him but so i'm like talking i'm like flirting at the door being a little fucking slut and i see something out the corner of my eye and we lived on a corner and just out of the vision of my door directly opposite my house and slightly around the corner he's just fucking stood there like this he's just like i don't know how long this guy had been there i he's no

Do you know how sick I fucking felt? He's just stood there. No dog, mind you. The dog's now gone. He's probably got rid of it. It was just a ploy. He's stood there staring and I was like, oh, fuck me. Like, fuck. Go away. What am I going to do now? Okay. I, in the UK, if you don't live here, it gets dark very early in the winter, like half past three. The sun is pretty much gone. It's very dark.

and you're in pitch black by four in the winter in like January. Okay. That's like the worst. And so as a female university student, I often didn't leave my house late at night and I hated getting the, uh, I used to have to get the bus and then walk for like five minutes to get back to my house or like 10 minutes, I think to get back to my house. Um,

And so I hated taking late classes because it meant that I had to walk in the dark and it was just like a creepy, creepy back road. You heard a story of a girl getting fucked up like every couple of weeks. Okay. And there was this one path at my university campus that was notorious for it. Okay. And I had to go down it and I was always so scared. So I really didn't go out in the dark very often at university unless I was with somebody and I was never with anybody because I really didn't socialize very much.

But this one day, so, but mind you, this is very depressing. Like now I really can't go out after dark because this guy is going to skin me. Okay. So then one day I, it's actually right when I started posting on TikTok and I had made some kind of online friend and I had decided that I was going to go up to London. Actually, I think I had a date. Anyway, besides the point, I had gotten the train up to London from Canterbury and I had got back so late. It was like 1am by the time I got back. So pitch black.

one in the morning, I'm already shitting myself walking home. Okay. I think I walked all the way from the train station. I don't think there was even a bus running. Like I was so fucking scared. And it's like a half hour walk. And then I get to like the road that I live on. And it's going to be like a minute walk to my house from where I'm at. And I'm walking up. Why the fuck does this man walk towards me? Okay. You're not walking your dog. It's one in the morning. You freak. You were just stood out my window outside my window. I know it.

So he, I, he's walking towards me and I'm thinking like, why am I still, why am I not screaming and running the opposite direction? I don't know. I'm stupid. I'm like walking towards him. I'm like, I genuinely don't know what I'm going to do when I get to you or better yet what you're going to do when I get to you. I'm so scared, but I'm like, I kind of just have to continue because I need to get home. What am I going to do? Run in the opposite direction and meet the next boogie monster? No, I need to go home. Okay. Okay.

So I'm running, running, running, running. I have my key out at the ready. Also jabbed between my fingers. Like I'm ready to kill this man. I go past him. He does nothing. He does absolutely nothing. I drop a piece of paper that I had been on a date. Okay. And she had drawn me something like a stick figure version of myself. And I wanted to... Oh no, we've been playing X's and O's. And I wanted... Tic-tac-toe. Why did I call it that? And I wanted to keep it because I really liked her. And I dropped it and I...

picked it up i stopped for long enough to pick it up and then continue running and i did i got past him and then i sprinted home guys the next part makes me feel fucking sick okay i get in my house lock the door and then i go into my bedroom not even three minutes later he was at my bedroom window okay which means he had literally stopped in his tracks from where i'd run past him turned his body around and walked back towards my house okay

I don't like it. Why do men do that? Why do they do that? When I saw him at my window again, I thought, fuck this. Fuck this. Also, he used to. Oh, my God. So he would always be on my road. Like every time I would go out in the middle of the day and I wouldn't be super scared in the middle of the day. As long as I saw him on foot. Do you know what I mean? Like I would be concerned if I saw him in a car, but he was always on foot. So I was like, what are you going to do? Outrun me? Yeah, probably. I'm literally this fucking tall. You're seven feet.

and a man but i was like ah someone will hear me scream probably like it's the middle of the day i know i wasn't like super scared of him during the day but he used to follow me around because he was always on my street so he would always see when i would leave my house so i would be at tesco's i'd look behind me oh look there he fucking is it was like did you guys ever see in the early 2000s like okay early 2000s is very much dramatic it was literally like 2011

There was that video of the spoon murderer on YouTube. I don't know if this is a niche experience or if everyone saw this video, but it was some guy in some like cloak. I think I haven't seen this video in years. And he had a spoon and he was chasing the protagonist or antagonist. You guys, I failed literature.

he's chasing him and he's hitting him with a spoon and the guy can't get away from him and he hits him with a spoon for so many years that the guy ends up dying okay from his spoon wounds and that is how i felt about this man okay because in the spoon video everywhere this guy looks he goes to hawaii he gets on a cruise he goes like everywhere he looks behind him it's the guy with the fucking spoon and he just smacks him okay it's actually a really good video

So this is how I felt about this guy. I'm like, everywhere I fucking go, you're there. And so I'd be at Tesco's. Oh, there he is. Sainsbury's. Oh, look, there you are. Okay. Top shop. Oh, there he is. And I one day took a picture of him because he was following me around town. And I put it in a folder because I was like, if I die, okay, there's three men you need to look for. This is one of them. Why is there three? Mind you, why can I say... Now the number is exponentially higher. But back then I was only, what, 20, 19, 20.

I would have been 19. No, 20. I don't know. I was a uni last. I was in my second year. I would have been 19. So what the fuck am I doing with three men who want to kill me? I have wronged none of them. Mind you. Okay. Anyway, I took that picture of him to just, I sent it to my sister as well. I was like, babe, if I die or if I go missing, look for him. Okay.

And she was like, oh my God, he's huge. I was like, I know. I'm so scared. He followed me everywhere. Oh my God, he was so fucking weird. So I actually ended up moving out of that house early that year. And I went and I got myself a new house in the middle of town. And he never found me again. And this time I got a house on the second floor so that even if he walked past, he wouldn't fucking see me. Okay. And I always would look over my shoulder before I went into my new house just to make sure he wasn't looking so he couldn't find out. Okay.

oh my god this guy was so fucking scary i hated him what was my point did i just want to tell you guys that why was i telling you guys that because i have a stalker oh because i have a stalker now the the current one is worse significantly and violently more upsetting but he's not waiting outside my bedroom window yet so a win is a win ladies and gentlemen oh guys this is why i don't need therapy anymore you guys just listen to me you make me feel so hard

This episode is brought to you by Mejuri. You know, I had a thought the other day. Since Rwanda jewelry becomes something we only bought on special occasions, Mejuri approaches fine jewelry a little bit differently. Each one of their pieces is handcrafted by jewelers committed to quality craftsmanship as well as ethical and sustainable jewelry production. Created by women for women, Mejuri is breaking down barriers in what has long been an exclusive and occasional category of men buying for women.

In 2020, the brand launched the Missouri Empowerment Fund in support of higher education for underrepresented women and non-binary individuals. Because fine jewelry doesn't have to cost the world. Feel good about your jewelry in more ways than one. Start stacking your favorites, shop online or visit the website to find a store near you. So I, what did I do this morning? I woke up.

I washed my hair like 7am because I had an early morning meeting in London which I got up and I went to and it was very good that was very exciting and then I got a very good coffee from this place called Morris's on Old Bond Street highly recommend oh my god the best cappuccino I think I've ever had what was off-putting I will say is when I wore

I noticed for a very small like deli counter, although it was deli just meat. I never know. But it was like a salad bar, but like very small. Okay. There was two men behind it. Grown men. Very attractive. I will say that much. Okay. They both kind of look like Santa Claus. Like silver foxes, but chunky. I liked it.

The first time I've ever felt that, but it was interesting. I enjoyed it. And so I see them and then there's another guy kind of just stood there and then a guy at the coffee machine and all of these men are within two feet of each other and me. It's tiny. And I was like, okay, what the fuck? Why do we need so many men to serve me a salad? You know? So I say, so the one guy is looking at me and he's like, what do you want? I,

felt like i'd walked into a gentleman's member club that i wasn't allowed to be in you know what i mean and it was very uncomfortable i said um cappuccino and then the guy at the coffee station laughs i looked at him like what the what the fuck are you where am i who are you and then the guy who was taking my payment the other guy he was like ah he just loves making coffees what

then i'm stood there i feel so uncomfortable because we're all looking at each other and giggling i was like okay i kind of start laughing with them because i'm like i know you're not laughing at me because there's no way you would have the fucking nerve so i don't know what's funny but i'm just gonna like hop on the joke because i know it's not me then the two silver foxes behind the counter i'm looking at them they go you sure you don't want anything else i'm like actually give me a salad please so i order a salad by the way only six pounds which for a salad in the middle of london let

Old Bond Street, mind you, six pounds is a steal. And it was a good time. It kept me filled up all day. Filled up, yeah, for sure. It had pesto pasta. It had couscous and grilled peppers. And then cucumber, feta, olives, broccoli, and courgette. Yum. It was yummy. And the cappuccino as well. The cappuccino was the best cappuccino. The salad was okay. Like, I've had better... Like, I've had more tasteful ones. The pasta was really nice. It tasted very fresh. I've had better salads, but like...

For six pounds and the experience that I got, I felt that I had paid a worthy price, you know? What was my point? Oh, and then I went to Adweek, which was terrifying, okay? Adweek is basically... Well, here's what I thought Adweek was. I thought Adweek was like a bunch of like kind of older industry people in like...

pop-up chairs in a in an empty warehouse asking questions about ad revenue like that's what I thought it was so when they asked me to speak at ad week I was like I don't know what the fuck you guys think I know about any of this but sure sure I'll do it so I'm going they tell me I'm doing a panel it's gonna be recorded and I'm like okay fine I wear a knit a chunky knit sweater and skinny jeans okay like I'm like yeah no one's gonna see me today today is a low-key day I got a meeting and then

And then someone's like, hey, are you coming to the cocktail event after today? What fucking cocktail event? Like the celebration after Adweek. I was like, oh, fuck, where am I going? So I get there and it is in a nice building. I know this building very well, very familiar with it, actually. And they take me back. I get hair and makeup done. I'm like, oh, my God, I've really underestimated this. And then a lady that I know who works at UTA, she comes in. She doesn't work with me. I just know I just love her. Yeah.

There are certain women that I look up to in the industry that I will never say it because I don't want to embarrass myself, but I genuinely think of them as adjacent to a god. Like, I can't describe it. Anyway, she comes in, and she's in, like...

a full-on dress like a black dress down to her ankles and I was like oh fuck me like my knit sweater's not gonna cut it and she looks at me she's like oh my god hey like how are you and then she's like what are you wearing like what do you is this what you're wearing I was like yeah and then she kind of just laughed she's like no do your thing and I was like okay love you that made me feel better but also where am I where am I right now

I'm starting to freak out. So I get my hair and makeup done. I go over the questions they're going to ask me. And then we go out into the room. There's like, I don't know, 300 people in there. And it's like a full room. Okay. And it's like,

studio lights, everything. There's a Q&A section, which I'm always unprepared for. Oh my God, I got so nervous that I regurgitate. I sicked up in my mouth. And all someone had asked me was like, do you like working with brands? Yes, thank you very much. I do. I just get so nervous that that's like my reflex is just wretch and like burp. Sorry. But anyway, I...

I had underestimated ad week, but it's okay. I think it worked out. I met some... Oh my God, I met the sweetest girl. I think she said she listens to my podcast. I'm going to assume she listens to my podcast because she seemed... Well, here's the catch. And here's how I know she listens to my podcast. I was at a panel for my fucking little podcast. So she came in to like the dressing room where I was at. And she... I don't want to like...

misinterpret her words. I wish I could, like, voice record what she said and make it my ringtone. But she basically... She introduced herself and she said something along the lines of, like... First of all, she said I had changed her life and then followed that up with I buy new socks now. And I was like, oh my fucking God. That's the...

That is the one thing I have been waiting... Like, I didn't even know I was waiting to hear it, but I was waiting to hear that from someone. And she was so sweet. She kind of was saying that she...

Trust me. And I found that a really sweet thing for her to say. And she said, even with you kind of becoming a little bit more LA-ified and kind of being out in America, she still feels like she trusts me and still feels like the content is genuine or that I'm a genuine person, I think is what she said. And she said some other things too that were really, really sweet. And I got really awkward because...

It really meant something to me what she was saying and I didn't know how to respond. And honestly, I felt like I was going to cry because she was being so sweet and so articulate with everything she was saying and

And she didn't know how bad I needed to hear what she was saying because I've been so mean to myself lately. And just like, I don't even know what I'm doing. I don't know why I post things online. I don't know if I have any worth here. I don't know if anyone needs to hear me speak ever again. I was just, I've been really mean to myself lately. And actually one of my friends said to me, I was telling my friend how much I'm struggling in my own head lately. And my friend said to me, you need to have more conversations.

with other people your age because I as everyone knows have kind of a limited friend group and do spend a lot of time alone and as much as I consider that a strength I think it's also a weakness because I do kind of forget about perspective sometimes and I get so wrapped up in my own head and my friend said to me like literally three days ago he was like you need to just even have one conversation with and they named a girl that we had been hanging out with um

uh he was like that just that one conversation is going to give you so much more perspective so much more to think about and pull you out of your head and just like remind you of things and i was like yeah you're right and and they were right because then i had a conversation with this one specific person and i was like oh my god like you just reminded me of so many things and so to have this girl kind of just like appear in this in this like kind of bathroom changing room situation and and say all this to me and give me the exact

perspective to soothe me in the moment because I was about to go into a panel and also just be so kind and so loving and just like just so like I've never had an interaction like that with someone before like with someone who watches my content where they just actually have an opinion for me like they're like this is how you make me feel this is how I interpret your content this like it was so sweet and she had clearly

genuinely thought about what she was saying and so i got really awkward because i'm like i'm bitch i'm actually gonna cry you're actually gonna make me cry because i was already anxious about like going on this stage and like we were about to head down to the stage so i was like oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god and then she just came like this fucking angel and i was like she didn't know how much i needed to hear somebody else's perspective on me you know but she just gave it to me and i was like wow and i tried to tell her how much i appreciate her perspective

because even if her perspective had been negative and she'd given me constructive criticism like I actually don't like that you're doing this or I love you and you make me feel safe but like I would have taken that just as happily but she didn't she said positive things which obviously I really appreciated um but yeah and I kind of just was staring at her and we spoke for a while to be fair um

And I was like, I really appreciate this. Like, thank you. And I didn't really get to thank her properly because for the amount that I've thought about that interaction since this happened, I didn't thank her properly. You know what I mean? Like we, I was too brief and I don't know what her name is and I don't know how to find her anywhere. So girl, if you're seeing this, the girl with the pretty blazer who I met in the, like near the toilets at ad week, I love you. And I thought you were so sweet and I really liked your blazer.

And I really liked your friend's red hair. Okay. Then afterwards, my agent from UTA was with me. That's my agency. And one of the ladies who also works at UTA, she brought me like a chocolate board to be like, congratulations. Because like, I usually don't do things like that, like panels. And I've done one panel before, actually. Oh, that was terrifying. But I've done one panel before. So this was my second. And I just don't really do like appearances anywhere ever. Yeah.

And so there's never any like real world event for people to be like, well done, you know? And it was so sweet. She brought me chocolates to say well done. And I realized it's the first time that's ever happened to me. And I was like, no, I felt like a grownup. I was like, oh my God, wait, what is this? And they were from the hotel chocolate place. I'm pretty sure, which is my mom's favorite chocolate place. So I'm actually going to give her them. Well, not all of them. No,

Not all of them, but she loves chocolates from there. And I love my mommy and I wouldn't be here if it weren't for her. So she better get those chocolates and she better eat them. I have been yapping for 41 minutes. I don't know what, you know what's interesting? What is the timestamp while you guys are watching this right now? Because I don't know. I cut out a lot of shit. Like I say things and I'm like, you literally do...

First of all, no one cares. Second of all, what did you just say? Like, you don't make any sense. Like, I will allude to something that no one knows about from my life 10 years ago, as if you guys were there. And I'm like, girl, shut the fuck up. Literally shut up.

do you guys like my my set right now it's from look it's so cool having you guys on my iphone because i can just like show you i could pick you up right now um but i'm wearing a set from gymshark which they sent me this like pr box and i'm actually fucking obsessed with it it's been sat it sat on my kitchen counter for a couple of days because i misinterpreted it okay i thought this was going to be like a heavy hoodie but it's not it's like a

Let me show you. It's like a cropped, but it's not too cropped. Like it's actually like just above the waistband of the trousers. And it's so, I'm not paid. They don't pay me. I just really like this sweat set. I don't know. I really like it.

I got this thing from Chanel and I'm so... Oh, actually, I literally have it right here because I'm going to use it. But it's called Le Lift. Me and my mom giggled when we opened it because I didn't know it was called that. But they're just like eye masks, right? Like the ones that go here. But I've heard that it's like a facelift. I have heard rumors, okay? And I'm so excited to try them. Once I'm done with this episode, I'm going to go wash my face. The time is currently...

literally 1.45 in the morning because, okay, I woke up very early to shower, because I had to wash my hair. And then I went straight to London, did all my stuff, got back, and I was... I cooked a pizza, okay? And then I just...

fell asleep because the pizza made me anxious. The thing is, sometimes I have anxiety attacks and I have to get up and run around. I'm so anxious and I have to go out and roll around in the fucking grass to try and cool down. Like, actually, genuinely, like, I get naked and I put my entire body on wet grass because I'm like, I have to cool down. That was an insane overshare. But...

Sometimes it's more low-key and the best thing I can do is just fucking sleep. Because I'm like, I can't even be bothered and I'm tired. So I'm just actually going to check out. You know, I'm not even going to deal with this one. Luckily today it was one of those where I was like, I'm just, I can actually fall asleep. So I'm actually just going to opt out. I'm going to opt out of this experience. And I took a nap. Um,

Unfortunately, it ended up being like a nearly four hour nap and I woke up at nearly 10:00 PM, which is weird 'cause when you have a super productive day in like a city and then you come home and you suddenly you're very alone and you take a nap and you eat junk food and you're like, hold on, I thought we were on a good vibe for today and now suddenly I'm in like a cave of depression, what is this? But I took a four hour nap.

And then I woke up and basically now I hear no one cares. But that is what that is the day that I've had. Okay. Ad week was today. It feels like yesterday. It's kind of crazy. I'm going to be thinking about the girl with the pretty blazer for a very long time because really what she said meant so much to me. And it's just kind of I've been needing to hear someone else's perspective on me for a really long time, I think.

and it's like, that sounds kind of insane to say, but it's like, I just want someone to be honest with me. If they hate me, I want them to tell me if they love me, I want them to say it. Like, I just need someone to kind of be like, you know, you're real, right? Like, that's what I need. I need someone to be like, you, we actually do perceive you and you actually do exist. Cause I don't think I do, you know? So that was reassuring. Um,

And it was just so sweet. And I've had a lot of meaningful encounters before with like people that watch my content. Like, don't get me wrong, I have. And I have them pretty much every day. I'm very, very fortunate. And I feel like every time I meet someone, unless they're super shy and they kind of like run away, I tend to have a pretty good conversation with them. And I tend to like feel like there's a level of connection there. And it's so sweet. And it's like such a weird experience to get to have all the time.

But there was something very, very special about this girl and the way that she spoke to me. And I just, I really appreciate her. And I wanted to tell her that. And this is the only way I can do that because I don't know who she is. So all of you are just going to have to fucking hear it too. Okay. Everyone say we love, I'm pretty sure it was green blazer. Maybe it was blue. Maybe it was red.

I might be colorblind. I don't know. It was a very pretty blazer. Everyone say, thank you, pretty blazer girl. Everyone say, we love you, blazer girl. I genuinely don't have any other input for you. None. Like, there's, I've yapped. There's nothing else I can fucking tell you. Oh,

Oh my God, no, I'm so wrong. Okay, I'm so wrong. Guess what I started watching? I started watching The Queen's Gambit. Now, prior to this week in my life, I would have told you to get the fuck out of my face if you'd tried to suggest to me to watch The fucking Queen's Gambit. I'll tell you why. I don't care about the queen and I don't care about chess. And I thought that it had everything to do with those two things. I thought it was a movie about the queen playing chess.

And I didn't care for it. I am so obsessed with the fucking Queen's Gambit. It's given me a new lease of life. Okay. I will say I'm disappointed because I understand that it is a limited series and I much prefer when I get obsessed with something like Grey's Anatomy. Okay. That's going to take me on a roller coaster. Although I will say I don't watch Grey's Anatomy anymore. Okay. I had to cut out after like season nine because I just can't do it without Derek.

Is it season nine he dies? It might be before. I just... I genuinely felt grief on her behalf and it was actually ruining my life to watch Grey's Anatomy. Like, it was...

actively adding negativity into my life and every time I started to like a character oh they're dead oh they died so I just had to stop but I do re-watch the first like seven eight seasons frequently but yeah I don't really go in for it after that because also controversial opinion okay I

I... Oh my god, let me get her name right. What is this fucking bitch called? I actually have beef with her. Like, to the extent, if I saw her actress, it's not her fault. She didn't write the character. Yeah, I would... I wouldn't do anything. I would... I wouldn't. Okay, Grey Anatomy. Guys, I'm such an iPad baby, but I've lost... I've lost my iPad pencil. And so I'm like...

Kind of dead to me without that. I'm gonna have to get a new one. I'm on my third. Grey's Anatomy character season 10? Let's do a safe bet. No way Yang is still in season 10. Also, after they got rid of Yang, get the fuck out my face. What do you think I'm watching for? When you...

you kill the characters I have an emotional connection to, genuinely, what do you think I'm watching? I don't care about the patience. Like, I don't... This always baffles me. Okay, I understand it probably wasn't their choice to kill Yang. Probably Christina... Christina as if that's her real fucking name. Probably Sandra Oh wanted to leave the show. I get it, but...

Right, who do I hate? Oh, I fucking detest Dr. April Kepner, okay? The second they cast her, I was done. I couldn't watch it anymore. And you know what's unfortunate? I feel like I often hate characters who resemble me because I don't want to I hate myself. And so the second I'm seeing any part of my god-awful personality being played out on a screen, I get upset. And I feel like that's what they did to me with Dr. April Kepner, okay?

something about her mousiness something about her she's so much more vulnerable like in season one two three four you have these strong-willed doctors who get their hearts broken who have these tragic events occur in their lives okay and they still show up to work they get drunk they're hungover they're showing up to work okay their mom dies they're showing up to work and it's like

actually insane and completely unrealistic. But I just love the way that especially Yang and Meredith Grey kind of power through and like help each other. And their friendship was the main reason I watched the show. And then you get rid of them. You get rid of their friendship. Then you bring in Dr. April Kepner. And she's just this like weak-willed. I understand she has a good character development, kind of. Like she does, she gets...

marginally better. But it's like you just kind of replace it with these like weedy, flaky... Am I going to get hate for this? I don't know. Maybe there's like some April Kepner stans out there. I don't care. I don't care. This is my opinion versus yours, bitch. But it's like...

She's just this like weak willed and then they bring in all these other weak willed people and then suddenly I'm Alex Karev's biggest fan. How did that fucking happen? I don't know. I'm trauma bonded to him because he's the only steady person from the early. He's the only OG cast member that's still fucking there. Okay. And Meredith Gray is grieving her husband and I don't want to watch it because it makes me have a pit in my stomach because I'm grieving her fucking husband too. Okay.

So now I'm sat there with Dr. Alex Karev, okay? And that is something that I never thought would happen to me because I was his biggest hater. And I understand he had amazing character development. Like him going to Peds was the best thing that ever happened.

for any character in the history of television. Genuinely. Also, I wish that they would not bring classic characters back, okay? It's kind of like when Sheehan tries to copy something that high fa- Like, it's like when you have a Sheehan version of a Moncler jacket, okay? That is how I feel about them bringing in Dr. Shepard, the woman, okay? I forget what her maiden name is. The ex-wife of Derek Shepard. Um...

What is her name? Uh, Derek and... Oh, fuck. Let me look it. Is it Andrea? What the fuck is her name? You know who else I hate? Fucking Arizona Robbins. I'll say it. You know who else I don't like? Kelly. Unpopular opinion. I've never really, truly warmed to her. Despite her being an OG cast member who has remained, you would expect to feel safe with them. I just don't really care. You know? Sorry.

Okay, Patrick Dempsey as Dr. Shepard. Yes, but who is his ex-wife? Why won't you tell me Wikipedia? Oh, I'm on Grey's Anatomy fandom.com. Good for me. And you know who they need to give more screen time to in the later seasons, especially like the ones they're still releasing? Miranda Bailey. Why the fuck would you, why would you have a scene with just April Kepner in it when you could have a scene with just Miranda? I don't know.

Recurring guest stars. Please tell me, why is she not in the main credits? What the fwick? Oh, no. Addison! I didn't even find it online. I just remembered that her name was Addison. Addison Shepard. Is that her name? Addis? Yes. Addison Montgomery. Addison Montgomery.

Okay, very good. What was I saying about her? I don't remember. Oh, I love her. Guys, this is what happens when I film at fucking 1.58 p.m. a.m. It's one in the morning time. Let me put you onto a game on my iPad and then I'm gonna go to bed. I'm literally not gonna go to bed, but it's fine. Okay, this and don't even bother playing this game unless you have an Apple Pencil because you just won't succeed. But I introduced you Airplane Chefs. I'm not sponsored. I just fucking love it.

uh consent you can have my personal data of course oh fuck i need to update the game okay well i'll just show you the pictures they have on the app okay so it looks like this and you have all these customers and you have to make the meals and and trays of food and make sure you put the right things on the trays of food then you have to go back to the galley like the little kitchen they have on airplanes and put the nuggets in the air fryer and put the chips in and you have all these different machines you can upgrade your kitchen it's really good

But again, don't even bother if you don't have an Apple Pencil. It's not worth it. I also recommend Zinnia, okay? My routine is Zinnia. So it looks like this. And it says, again, you're going to need an Apple Pencil. I can't recommend the purchase of an Apple Pencil strongly enough. So you just trace. Can you see that? You trace flowers. And it's really lovely. I'll show you a better one that I did. Okay, because this one has shading in it. Look!

So, and the best thing about this is if you have like YouTube premium on Netflix or some shit, you can have your show, you know, minimized in the corner up here while you trace and you can even flip it, you know, do that and then have it. I should probably get a case for it, but I just fear that I'm already too deep in iPad baby territory to then purchase a big cake.

If I get online and I'm shopping for an iPad case, I will purchase one with the arms, you know, the ones kids have with the big like jelly arms. You can hold it in front of your fucking face. That will be in my possession. If ever I dare type in the words iPad case for sale into Google. So that is why I've not done that. And it's just naked and vulnerable. But also I'm like, Ooh,

Like, ooh, clean girl iPad, you know? And it does make me feel good. Also, oh my God, guys, I got my nails done. Can you believe, these are my real nails. I'm never going to shut up about it. These, so it has builder gel on, which I've recently discovered the existence of builder gel. But underneath it is my real nail.

Which is great because it makes the grow out process just way more attractive and it just feels better. Real nails. And then it's Build-A-Gel, which basically just stops them breaking, but it's not as thick as an acrylic. Although the girl did kind of fuck me up at the nail salon and she made my nails like weirdly straight and...

This one kind of points upwards, which I hate, but honestly, they're fine. And she did kind of break my heart. Actually, I was holding back tears. I'm way underplaying this because my nails were way longer. And because now they're not acrylics, like they're my actual nails that I have

grown and suffered to grow uh she was making them so like they were so much longer than this and she just kept filing them down and honestly i'm not even against this length like i really think this length is nice clean girl like it's just enough to like complement your hands without having massive nails and like i think this is honestly a perfect length but just because it was my real nails and she was taking off so much with the fucking nail file i'm not

I was getting so upset and I didn't want to say anything. This is, you know, why would I ever stand up for myself? But also the poor girl who was doing my nails was sneezing and coughing like a legit cough, like a chesty, heavy mucus cough. And I could tell that it was like the first week of her having like a serious cold. And every time I asked her something, like I asked her about the color, like if we could put a color on this, I don't have a color on these because I ended up liking them.

but she just like looked at me with daggers every time i spoke and i was like honestly babe i fucking get it if you have a sore throat right now i i get it because when i have a sore throat like i need to be in a room with padded walls like genuinely so i i didn't want to say too much but she yeah she took off loads of my nail but it's honestly fine they'll grow back they're still long i'm just like picky and this is the first time i've ever had my own actual nails that aren't like fake acrylics

And I do have a stick up my butt about it. And I do think that I'm better than everybody else at the moment.

And that's okay. You know? So anyways, I'm going to go. I'm going to shut the fuck up. I love you guys so much. Thank you for listening into this week's episode of Pretty Lonesome. If you're listening on Spotify, please will you follow the podcast? Mommy needs to make money. Mommy needs to make money. So feel free to hit the follow button and that way you'll also get told if there's new episodes or I don't know if you'll get told but it'll come up on your thing so you don't forget. And if you're on YouTube, feel free to subscribe to my channel. I also post vlogs. I

I don't know why, I find it really easy to say, would you mind following my Spotify podcast? But when I say, would you subscribe to my YouTube channel? That, just because I've heard that sentence so many times in my youth, the fact that it is now coming out of my mouth...

I don't know how it makes me feel, but the feeling is unnatural. And what's that feeling? Uncanny Valley. Like, I just don't. Whoa, why did you just say that? You know what I mean? Anyways, thank you guys for listening to this week's episode. I will see you next Monday. I can't wait. I'm excited. I'll miss you between now and then. That's it, I guess. Thanks, guys, for watching. I love you. Bye.