Travelling In Your Twenties
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Hi guys, welcome back to another episode of Pretty Lonesome. Now, if you are particularly intelligent, you will notice that I have a different environment today and that is because I finally moved out of my mum's house. I finally moved into a flat by myself and it's

It's terrifying and I have no furniture and I really don't know what the fuck I'm doing. We'll get into it in another episode. I'll give you like a fucking house tour when I have a singular piece of furniture because right now I just like linger all day. It's really weird when there's nowhere to like sit or like be. You just linger like...

What am I meant to really do? I've considered joining a gym just so I have somewhere to go. And I've been thinking about like gyms based off how nice their showers are because that's the selling point for me. Anyway, today we're going to be talking about escapism season because it's a fucking thing. I have not had any interest in listening to escapism by Ray for the last...

eight months. Like it just hasn't, I just have not had the urge to listen to it. But why is it such a winter song? Like it makes me feel like chilled. It's like, I need to be listening to it in the dark at 6pm while I'm like cold in the back of a taxi. I can't explain it. It's a winter song. So it got me thinking about the period of my life when I discovered the song

The period of my life where I discovered escapism was like right after social media became like a thing for me. So it was like the end of last year. I think that's when she released it. And at the time, like social media had just become like a viable thing for me to consider that like...

I don't know. It's not just like shits and gigs, I guess. Like I think someone had offered to like pay me for something. And I was like, wow, that's crazy. And then I had pre-planned this trip with my friend like a year in advance because I did the thing. It's like a thing when you go insane and you are British, you move to Australia. Like that's the that's the routine. That's what you're meant to do.

So I'd gone insane. I was like, guys, I'm moving to Australia. I can't do this anymore. And my best friend was like, can I come with you? And I was like, of course you can. But she actually has like a phobia of spiders. And it's not like most people have a phobia of spiders. Like, oh,

or you don't like them. No, she is like, she will not be in the same room as a spider. Genuinely a little bit like not even funny. And so she was like, what if there's a spider when we're living in Australia? And I was like, I'm not going to get rid of it for you. Because one thing about me is like, I don't like spiders. But if somebody that I'm with is afraid of the spider, suddenly I can get rid of it. But like, if I'm by myself and there's a spider, I can't get rid of it.

But like if I'm with a friend and they're terrified of the spider, like I'm just going to catch it and put it outside. I don't know. It's like I become a Superman. But I was like, respectfully, stink. I love you. But like there's a spider in Australia. I'm not touching it. Like I'm not helping you. So we settled on going to New Zealand because they don't have anything poisonous over there. Like not even one poisonous thing. Isn't that crazy? You'd have think something would have like, I don't know, climbed over there by now. But no, there's nothing poisonous in New Zealand. So we went there.

And what we did was we purchased a van and we lived together in the van for I think like two months. And it was actually really, really fun. And then we sold the van for more expensive than we bought it for. We actually made a profit that trip, which is fucking ridiculous. Like, I believe you call that entrepreneurship. I do believe that's what that's called.

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Joyba on Instagram and TikTok at joyba.fun for fun giveaways and to find a retailer near you. So we lived in this van for two entire months, just me and her. And we have been friends since we were 13, I want to say. And like best, best friends, right? She is...

person like my absolute person and we've never lived together dad like we were young at the time when we took that trip we'd never lived together we went to separate universities like we hadn't actually in the years prior spent an intense amount of time together because like she doesn't live near me anyway and then we didn't go to the same uni and it's like we really

I know this girl to the core. Like she's my long distance best friend. I know everything about her, right? Like I know facts I should blatantly not know about this girl. Like things that should just never have been said. You know what I mean? And same with her in terms of she knows things that no one else will ever know about me. Like not even the person that I marry will get to know those things.

And yet we knew so little about each other because we'd not been in each other's physical company. And it made me really appreciate how important that kind of stuff is. Like just little things about how a person is and reacts to things and exists in the world. Like I learned so much about her and about myself on that trip. So we like cram ourselves into this little fucking van, right? And it's like the most intensely small van in the world. Like it doesn't have like a cooker and a kitchen. Like it's not one of those cool camper vans. It's literally...

An old car with a bed in the back. That's it. There's no space for anything else. And we just like drove around New Zealand for two months. And when I tell you escapism is the only thing we played on our shit fucking stereo. Like this was not a good car by any means. And escapism would just blare. That and this one Meghan Trainor song. Would just blare out the windows of our fucking girl van the entire trip. And it was the best, best thing. And...

We would every day for lunch, we would like go to the like supermarkets there and we would just get hummus and like loaves of bread or like ciabatta rolls. And we would just sit in the car and dip it directly into the hummus and shovel it in our mouths. Sometimes we treat ourselves to cheese and crisps and then we'd make like a cheese crisp sandwich. And if you don't know about those, you really need to get to know about those.

And that's literally what we survived off of the whole time. Like, I think we ate dinner at a restaurant, like, maybe two or three times. But, like, we didn't have a lot of money at this point. In fact, we had no money at that point. And the money that we did have went to the van. So we really didn't have, like...

a spend budget you know what I mean like it also like other than like petrol and like basic food like we were really scraping by and it was a very funny experience for us both but I remember we were both kind of like going through some kind of emotional like I want to call it like a turnover you know what I mean like when you take the initiative to like completely separate yourself from everything and everyone like from anyone even if you're in a really good relationship like

If you're going literally as, I think New Zealand is like as far as you can get from the UK. Correct me if I'm wrong. Definitely one of the furthest. Like I think it took us 37 hours or 32 hours to get there by flying. We took three separate flights. It was genuinely the most disgusting experience of my fucking life. Actually, no, going out there was great. We were so excited. But coming back, I have never been more miserable in my life. But anyway, so I remember we used to go on these like nights out while we were out there.

And we, it was such a girl van, like it had genuinely no space, no equipment, but we had like these shoe boxes full of like nails and hair stuff and makeup and whatever. So we'd like brush our teeth outside of the fucking van,

drink whatever cheap wine that we had purchased for ourselves like we would literally drive up to the drink shop get like four bottles of wine get back in the van sit in the front seat with our legs like up on the dash and do our makeup for like a fucking hour i would do my own nails in this van right i became literally an entrepreneur had to fend for myself

And we would sit in the front and we would like do our makeup, just blaring escapism. And we would always park illegally because in New Zealand, you have to get this fucking thing where you can sleep literally anywhere in the country.

for free if you're in like a van but you have to have this one special permit that both we just like didn't know how to get it like it literally was gonna be like one website one application we just didn't know how we were like fuck it like there's no one around here like the whole of New Zealand is just completely barren and we were like who's gonna find us like it's gonna be fine so we would drive to these little like parking spots and there'd be like other vans there and people sleeping we'd be like fuck it's fine and we'd sleep and

And the first time that we got a ticket, we were like so offended. We were like, I can't believe we were like found, but whatever. And then the next night from like the night on from getting that ticket, we parked closer to the city. When we get to this place to park, it's completely full. And in the middle is this big yellow box with lines all through it. You don't have to be...

local to an area to know that that specific road sign means you cannot stop there right it's like that's like a universal fucking street sign big yellow box with lines all through it you probably can't park there so we park right in it and there was like another van in it at the time and we were like do you think we can park here with you and they were like oh yeah like it's fine fuck it like if they ask us to move we'll just move we're gonna be here all night and we were like okay well we're not gonna be here all night we're going out so like

And hopefully no one comes by and like asks you guys to move, right? We go out, we get so fucking drunk. We stumble back at like 3am and all the other fucking cars have been asked to move except us because we weren't there. And we were like, oh, fuck. Both of us are way too drunk to drive. Like we cannot get behind the wheel of this van and move it. And so we were like, well, fuck it. Let's go to sleep.

So we go to sleep. It's the middle of fucking summer. Like it is boiling hot in this van, obviously no AC. So we strip off all our clothes and we go to bed like virtually naked and very drunk. And this is at like three or four in the morning. And then at like six or seven in the morning, we hear like a banging on the window. And it's the same officer who'd given us a ticket the night before. And my best friend, Millie, she's not near like the big swinging door.

And she like opens it and she's like still drunk talking to this officer. He's like, you guys are parked somewhere very illegal. And she's like,

We didn't know. How were we supposed to know? You know what I mean? There is no clear signage that where we are parked is illegal. You know what I mean? There's no way we could have possibly known. He's like, you're the same van I gave a ticket to last night for parking somewhere illegal. We were like, no, you've got the wrong girls. We were literally bold faced. Like, we didn't see a ticket last night. This is crazy. So I was like, okay, well, maybe it flew away. I'll reprint it for you. And we were like, fuck.

bastard anyway halfway through this I've noticed that the duvet has completely come off of Millie's ass like it's not wrapped around you know what I mean like she's set up and the door is fully open this police officer is just directly staring into Millie's ass crack because she's in like a pink lace thong and it's just not doing its job like it's just not underwearing directly like asshole is out

And I'm just sat behind naked myself, right? Thinking like, what the fuck is going on? Like, why are we optionally living so poorly? We had nice lives in England. What is this?

So anyway, we bargained with him and we're like, listen, we're literally completely inebriated. We can't drive this vehicle right now. I sincerely apologize for parking highly illegally, but you're just going to have to let us sleep this one off. And so he let us, he was a very kind police officer who did fine us like $120, but whatever. But he let us off, which was really generous of him. No, he didn't let us off. Sorry. He let us sleep there, which was really generous of him.

But like, this is just how we spent the entire two months. So like I said, we didn't really know much about the way the other one existed on the day to day, right? Like I knew so much about her and she knew so much about me, about me. But like, we didn't really know the little things. And those little things are very big, especially when you're in very close living proximity to a person like those little things are very big things in no amount of time at all. And so like,

There's this one day we parked up by the beach, probably illegally, and we like go lock up the van and we go sit on the beach. It's sandy. She, for some reason, entrusted me with the key to the van for like the first time in the entire trip. I lose the key to the van in the sand. And at this point, I knew she was kind of done with my shit, but just being so fucking airheaded, it's unbelievable. And so we're about to go back to the van. She's like, you've got the key, right? And I'm like, no. You know what, Millie?

I don't have the fucking key. Like we both know I don't have the fucking key. I saw that key five hours ago. I've not seen it since. And we've been moving around on this beach for five hours. She didn't even say anything. Like silence is so much worse in that situation also. This girl said nothing to me. She just looked at me with like...

of disdain behind our eyes. And then we start like raking through the sand with our fingers. We probably raked through the sand for about 20 minutes in silence. I genuinely feared for my life to the point that I nearly gave up every ounce of safety that I have in this world to post on my Instagram story, my full location, my coordinates, right?

and say, look, if anyone has a metal detector, just come find me. Like, please, I'm begging you. Because otherwise, like, you might kill me. Like, someone might come here with ill intent towards me and, like, murder me. But if you don't, my best friend certainly will. So I'm going to need you all to come, right? Why am I filming this podcast looking so fucking ugly? I've just realized, like, I rolled out of bed to film this podcast because I was scrolling on TikTok and I saw a video with the escapism soundtrack and I was like...

I have to tell them about New Zealand. And you know why else I've been thinking about New Zealand? Because, so while me and Millie were there, we like met this boy because like he did like social media and stuff. And like, I kept getting tagged in his shit and people like, you have to meet up while you're in New Zealand. And I was like, oh, I suppose I can spare the time. So me and Millie like roll up to his house in our fucking van. And we're like, hey,

Like no idea who this kid is. Like he doesn't know us. We don't know him. Obviously he gave me his address. I didn't just like stalk him. And it turns out he's like the nicest, like freakishly nicest person I've ever met in my life. And not just that, but his entire friend group is freakishly nice. I think there's something wrong with people that live in New Zealand because like,

I didn't meet a bad person the entire time I was there. Even when this guy held a knife up to me, he was so lovely. Let me wait. Sorry, I will explain that. So I was in my van, right? And I'm at the steering wheel and Millie's in the passenger seat. And we're just like sat by this beach pull in like little viewpoint area. And there's like this big family there.

And like they have a bunch of kids. There's maybe like four or five adults, mostly women. And then like a couple guys. One of the guys is fairly attractive, right? And around my age. So then there was this woman with him and she was probably not doing very good. She comes up to my friend's window and she's like, have you guys ever experienced loss? And we were like, no. And she was like, well, I have. Let me in your van. And we were like,

You can't come in the van. She's like, I just want to see what you've got in here. And we were like, no, maybe. Maybe you don't need to see what's in our van. She's like, it looks like you keep all your possessions in here. All of them. We were like, yeah, you can't come in here. And then up to my side of the window comes a boy with a dagger, like an actual one in his hand. And it's like in this hand, say this is my car window here. He's like leaning like this with the fucking dagger. And I'm sat in the window like, hello.

Yes. And my window was like halfway open. Like it was I was not safe. Right. She's like dagger in hand. And I'm like, yeah, cutie. As his like friend is trying to be like, what do you got in your car? And we were like, oh, nothing much. Just all of our worldly possessions and money. You know what I mean? What are you doing? And so this guy has his knife. He's just talking to me. And I don't remember a single thing that he said. Nothing of substance. But he wouldn't put the knife down, which I didn't like.

And me and Millie are like side-eyeing each other. Like we need to, like, at what point do I just like shove this bitch in reverse and we just like fucking fly out of here? Like at what point do we break? Cause we were trying to be like polite, but we were also like, we might die.

Like all it takes is for him to like put that through my window and be like, get out the car. And then we've lost our home and our possessions. But also I don't have anything particularly precious in that car. You know what I mean? Other than like my passport, I was like, there's nothing in here that I couldn't lose over my life. You know what I mean? Like I didn't bring my Teddy with me cause I'm not stupid and I didn't bring my diary. So I was like, I genuinely can replace everything in here and I don't care, but I can't replace my life. And he has quite a large knife. So anyway, we like talk to them for a while.

And I like slowly wound up my window as he's fucking talking. And then we were like, right, we've got to go. And we just like drove away. I can't remember what our excuse for leaving was, but we were like, we really need to, we have a place to be, unfortunately, but it was so lovely to meet you guys. And we drove away.

And that was that. So like, even though like potentially they were willing to threaten our lives to obtain our possessions, they were so kind and really polite. And when me and Millie drove away, we were like, we weren't sure if we should have genuinely felt in danger because there were children there.

Is that so naive? Every time I see someone with a child, like, yes, you have a knife up to my window right now, but you also are a father and a mother. So I just feel like you can't possibly be mean to me. I don't know. I don't know. You know what I mean? Like, even though he had a knife up to my window, like he was still so polite and he was really cute too. I think he offered me some kind of surfing lessons. I don't tend to take surfing lessons from boys with knives.

And you shouldn't either. But anyway, we drove away. We made it out alive. Thank God. But my point actually was that I met a really nice guy and we became friends. And then all of his friend group were really nice too. So we became friends with them. And then they all moved to London. Like in the last month or two, they've all moved to London. So now I have friends, which I don't really have friends. Like I have Millie and I have one of my other best friends that lives four hours from me. And then I have...

Well, that's it really. I don't really talk to anybody else. I have other people that like are very special to me and are very like I would call them my friends. But like I don't ever and I've never had people that live near me that are friends that I see all the time. And I'm like fully up to date and involved in their lives. You know what I mean? There's something very special about being involved in someone's life as opposed to just being like, oh, I love this person. They're so special to me. I talk to them and it's like meaningful. No, like I want to be involved in your life. I want you to think of me as like a character in your current life.

series. I never have that. Anyway, now I have that because they've moved to London. It's very exciting for me. And I also made a new friend. I've talked about her literally everywhere, but I'm very excited because she lives near me too. Even though I've lived in London for a week now and I haven't seen this bitch. So when I went out there, I was like, oh my God, like this potential career path has just like become viable to me. And I really feel like I shouldn't just be like

as far away as possible from everyone and everything that I know right now into literally the abyss of New Zealand and living in a fucking van. But nonetheless, I made a promise to my best friend that that's what we were going to do when we graduated from university. And it was like the light at the end of the tunnel for us. Like we hung to this trip so dearly because we were like, every time we'd have deadlines and exams, we'd be like, it's okay. In like four months, we'll be in New Zealand, right? So I was like, I'm not bailing on this bitch. We're going to fucking New Zealand. ♪

This episode is brought to you by Mejuri. You know, I had a thought the other day. Since Rwanda jewelry becomes something we only bought on special occasions, Mejuri approaches fine jewelry a little bit differently. Each one of their pieces is handcrafted by jewelers committed to quality craftsmanship as well as ethical and sustainable jewelry production. Created by women for women, Mejuri is breaking down barriers in what has long been an exclusive and occasional category of men buying for women.

In 2020, the brand launched the Missouri Empowerment Fund in support of higher education for underrepresented women and non-binary individuals. Because fine jewelry doesn't have to cost the world. Feel good about your jewelry in more ways than one. Start stacking your favorites, shop online or visit the website to find a store near you.

I did cut the trip short. We were meant to stay until February and we ended up coming back in December. So it was meant to be four months. I think we did like two and a half months in the end. But at the time I was like, this seems like a negative thing for me. Like it seems like I am making a poor financial business

life decision like I don't know if this is really what I should be doing but again for me friendship and things like that come first so and like promises come first so I was like no I'm going because like I know this bitch and she's not gonna really like go alone and even if she would like it's just no fun like we said we'd do it together so I'm gonna go and also I wanted the experience because like I was

at a certain point things like that become really hard like life gets busy you grow up you get a big girl job and then it's like when am I gonna take fucking three months off and go live in a van in the middle of nowhere like it very much felt like the end the

the last time I would get the chance to really do something like that, whether I went back to university and got another degree or worked in forensic linguistics, which was my plan at the time. I was like, this is, I need to like take advantage of also like not only me being available, but my friends being available because this is not going to be like a consistent thing throughout our lives. So I was like, no, I'm fucking going. While I was there, I was kind of stressed out because I was like, shit, is this the best thing for me right now? Like, I really don't know. And I would Zoom with my therapist, the same one that I have now. And he'd be like, listen, I always believed that there is

a lesson to be learned from every experience, but you haven't experienced this one yet. And you're looking and looking and looking for the reason that you're there, other than the fact that you went off your own free will. If you're like looking for something greater kind of to come from this trip, but you just, it's just going to take hindsight. And with hindsight, like literally six months after we got back, something happened and I was like,

that was what it was fucking perfect for. Like, this is what it helped me with. But it took six months to like develop into the point where I was like, oh, this is why I needed to go there.

But while I was there, the reason seemed like friendship because not only did I strengthen my friendship with my best friend. And when I tell you I strengthened my friendship with this bitch, no one, no one can be near me for more than 12 hours before I will literally bite your fucking nose off your face. I get so annoyed. No one, like even my dearest closest friends, I need them to fuck off. I love them. I need them to go home.

but like I my point is I can't be around people for extended periods of time like when I'm around you too long and you're not the right person for me or you're just not the right friend for me anything you do and this is like my worst trait anything you do I will literally get filled with rage I remember I once went on a trip with someone that I should not have gone on a trip with and we were like sharing hotels sharing airbnbs whatever and

And I genuinely got the ick for this person on a level I've never experienced and hope to never experience again. To the point where they would furrow their eyebrows and I would genuinely have to take a walk. God forbid I heard any kind of mouth movement, like they would smile and I would hear like... I became genuinely...

a felon, like felonious acts I would have committed over like this person. I was so annoyed with them. And I was like, I am an ugly version right now. Like this is not my best self, not, not even close. I genuinely, and this is so embarrassing, got my best friend to fake an emergency. Like, like this is a, this is a technique I've only seen

This is a technique I've only seen get pulled off in movies before because it's fucking ridiculous. I pulled one of those stunts because I was like, if I spend another second looking at your face, I am going to do something that will have serious repercussions for me. You know what I mean? I was like, I need to go the fuck home. I need to never look at you again. Never spoke to them again. I don't know what it was, but I was like, oh my God, like,

I cannot physically be around this person for another second. And we weren't close before that trip. I did not know this person. We were not friends, but we'd like spontaneously gone on a trip, which I have done with people before, mind you, and I have not felt this way. But like even to a small extent of that feeling of just like deep, deep irritation with a person, like deep annoyance,

And then like every time they walk in a room when you've been around them for like a week too long, like say you're on holiday with them and they walk into a room and your stomach just sinks like, oh, it's you. Is this relatable or am I just a fucking awful person? I don't know. I don't get this with everyone, but like, like I could get it with anyone if I've been around them just too long and they're just not the right person for me.

When I tell you me and Millie were together nonstop for two and a half months and I did not feel that way towards her once. Like there were, when I tell you we bickered, we bickered like an old married couple. And I remember talking to my sister about it because she is the only other person that I know with a friendship that is similar to mine and this other girl's friendship.

And I was like, do you and your friend do this? And she was like, oh, we bicker like a fucking married couple. Like we will walk down the street and just bicker, bicker, bicker, bicker, bicker. But I love her and she's never actually pissed me off. You know what I mean? I was like, that's the difference. My best friend has never genuinely, not once, maybe once, maybe twice, but like very rarely actually pissed me off to the point where I'm like,

oh my god like what the fuck like to the point i would need to talk to someone else about it i've never breached a line of that friendship where i've gone and spoken to someone else about oh she's pissed me off she's fucking done this never i and i i genuinely hope i don't i cannot imagine ever doing that like talking to someone about her like i would genuinely just have to kill the person afterwards if i ever told them anything about her you know what i mean like we would literally be driving down the most beautiful fucking scenery ever and all you would hear is oh my god

And then like 20 minutes of silence. And then one of us would be like, should we get food? Like, I'm probably really hungry right now. And we were like, yeah. And then we'd eat food and we'd kiss and make up. But like, we bickered like the whole way through the trip. But that, my hand is down my pants right now, by the way. But that to me is a sign of true fucking friendship. Because if I can bicker with you and not fucking hate you afterwards, or like,

It doesn't transpire into a genuine fight where I get like the ick for you and I'm like, oh, hell, like we just bicker and then just resolve it with like, should we get food or like, love you, you know, like a little giggle. Like I would marry you for having that relationship with me.

And it's so hard to find because like there are certain friends where if I bickered with them, I would be filled with rage because like there's underlying issues in the friendship. You know what I mean? Like I have this one friend and like I have so many things that I feel about that friendship that I are not ideal. And I'm just like, this isn't a person that's particularly close to me. Don't worry. That's why I'm like, they're not going to watch this fucking podcast or like, God forbid, no, it's about them. But like, they're just someone that I'm like,

have known for a while. So like, they're just kind of my friend, but like, they're not super active in my life. So I'm like, I don't feel the need to cut you off because I don't love everything that you do. Like, it's fine. It's not that deep, but like you low key aren't like ideal as a human. You know what I mean? But like, if I bickered with this person, like if it came down to a bicker, I would never speak. I could never speak to me.

Same with my family. Like me and my mom fight. Like we butt heads. We go head to head. Would I fight with my dad? No, because that would like end the relationship. You know what I mean? Like you have to have a very strong relationship to like withstand fights with someone, let alone bickering. Because like certain people, if they bickered with me, I'd be like, what the fuck? But with Millie, bicker away, bitch. I love you. I love you. I want to marry you. I don't know. It's just like,

It's the best conflict resolution. You know what I mean? And like there would be mornings where you just sometimes you wake up and you don't necessarily want to talk to someone or like you've woken up your one inch from your best friend's face because you've chosen to live in a van and you're like, oh.

It's 7am. I'm boiling hot. There's no air conditioning. We have no food. I haven't showered in three days. And we just kind of look at each other and be silent for the next four hours until one of us was like, should we go to the gym and have a shower? And it just worked. Like coming out of living with someone in a tiny van for two and a half months and loving them more. This is my person. Like no one else could swing that with me. Like,

No one else. Like, it's not to say we didn't have our differences, but our differences just weren't bad. I've had great friendships, stayed with the person for three days and still liked the person as a person. Like, they did nothing wrong, but I will walk away from those three days and be like, respectfully, I'm never staying in line with you again. Like, I'm never...

We're never doing a trip together again. It doesn't mean you can't be friends with them. Some friends are just not permanent company friends. Same way, some people will be the best friends you could wish for, but if you tried living with them, you would lose your fucking mind, right? Same with relationships. You could be in a good, happy relationship. Second you move in together...

It's not good. Like, it's so hard to find someone that is compatible with you to that depth of, like, bickering and not needing resolution. It just resolves itself. I don't know how to word it in a more healthy-sounding way, but, like, I love it so fucking much. And then me and her made a couple other friends, like the friend that I was talking about that moved to London, and then we made this other friend who is genuinely one of the nicest girls I've ever met in my life. So I was looking back on it, and I was like, mm, I think...

I think the purpose of that trip was friendship for me because we were both going through, like I said, some issues in our personal lives that we needed distance from, like needed a little bit of a healing phase from. And so we went and listened to escapism every fucking day of the trip, blared it right out this shit little van and...

First of all, it knocks me sick with nostalgia every time I hear the song. But like, I am someone who runs away from my friends when I'm going through a hardship. And I hate that about myself because it's like really, it's detrimental to my healing every time, but I just keep doing it. But on this trip, like I was very much forced to always be in her company and kind of tell her what was going on and like have her be involved, right? Where usually I would just be like, oh, just keep it to myself and be extremely miserable for months.

This time I kind of had to tell her and like be open with her. So it showed me that like life doesn't even have to be that scary. Like you can have scary situations and unfortunate situations and unpleasant emotions. And if you just let your friends in and stay with them and keep them involved and be with them physically, you're

you, like nothing can really be that scary. I mean, I say that with deep caution because like I have not been through enough things to make a wild statement like that. But I would say for a girl my age, I've been through most of the run of the mill unpleasant experiences that you may presume to have had by this age. If you catch my drift, like enough stuff that you're like developed, but not enough that you have trauma that you'd sit and tell someone and they'd be like,

my god I am so sorry you know what I mean like does that make any sense but the trip was so chaotic like I didn't know at this point in time like when we were on the trip I didn't know I had ADHD I think Millie probably knew because she would have all her like clothes folded nicely under the bed like we had like a storage space under there

She would keep her shit folded. She would keep her shit clean. Mine was like, like I feel bad. Like she borderline was parenting me and I hate to be that fucking person, but like I was genuinely hopeless. And like, I was just like not collected. Like I would just like be on the bed and I would have like thrown my water bottle onto her side of the bed, like a fucking bitch. And then that kind of stuff grinds her gears. Like to me, I wouldn't care. Like if a water bottle is on the side of my bed, I don't care.

but like to her that's like get your water bottle off the side off like my side of the bed you know what i mean and i'd be like oh sorry and i would just like lob my shit onto her side of the bed in like the most annoying shit i could possibly be doing like small things like marital things that grind your gears like in bridget jones when she finds out that mr darcy folds his underwear before bed like that was us like we were just watching each other do little things and be like why the fuck are you doing that i fucking hate you and then we'd kiss good night you know what i mean

So like I would leave shit on her side of the bed and she'd be like, "I've just made my bed, now you fucked it up." And then she would like, actually she did nothing that annoyed me on the problem. But like, it was like a little things where like I was so chaotic and it would be like a day where we would logically had to like wash our bed sheets. Like we'd go to like a laundromat maybe once every week and a half or something and wash all our clothes and our bed sheets. Like we would roll up to the fucking laundromat and I would be like, "Why don't we just sit in the car for 10 minutes?"

Because that's my routine. Like when I have to do something and I have to go there in my car, I will go to the place of the activity that I must carry out. Then I'll just sit there. Like I'll just sit. Say I need to go get a coffee. I will wait in my car for an hour before I go get that fucking coffee.

Say I need to run to the post office. I'll drive there at the time that I wish to drive there. But I'm not going in for at least 20 minutes. I just love lingering. I'm a lingerer. I don't know. I love it. And she'd be like, why are you not like, why? We've driven here. Rip the bed sheets off and put them in the washing machine. And I'd be like, I just can't. I physically cannot make myself do that. So she would have to like force me to do it.

On reflection, I actually don't know how it didn't cross my mind that I had ADHD a little bit sooner. Also, what's funny is obviously I got diagnosed with ADHD and then the psychiatrist was like, if you want ADHD medication, you have to like fill out this form and pick what medication brand you want to use. And then you're going to have to go to your doctor and then you're going to have to get your doctor to like liaise with us and they could reject you and blah, blah, blah.

And I was like, well, that sounds like a bit much, doesn't it really? So I just have absolutely done nothing to aid my medication journey. Like I hung up the call where he diagnosed me and I was like, well, now I know it would be so great if I could get on medication, but unfortunately I can't, no, because then I'd have to fill out a form and I can't do that. So this is how genuinely useless I am. Like it's like actually not okay. Like I'm saying like it's amusing and it's just really not like,

I hate living like this, it's genuinely painful. But also, you know what else is painful? Filling out a form. I don't know why. If you guys like these, look, I got them. Oh wait, no, because it's a fucking audio podcast. The story that I look like this, by the way, I've had a long day. Also, do you know what's crazy? So as I said, I've moved into this flat. I will post like a little tour of it at some point when it's like cute and ready.

One thing that I have observed is that it's taken me months to obtain basic furniture. Like mattress took ages, bed frame took ages. Even my plates, which is spat, even plates, glasses, everything. That's like for plates and glasses, you can get them on Amazon. It's like two days delivery, maybe three, right? My bed frame was weeks. My sofa is months. My mattress was days. I...

I wasn't going to buy a TV. I was like, it feels unnecessarily expensive to me. I'm stingy as fuck. And I was like, I don't even watch TV. I don't want one. But then it was like lonely as fuck in here. And it was really quiet. I was complaining to my friend. I was like, I just feel so lonely. And they were like, do you need to get a TV? Cause you can like have it on the background. It fills the space. It fills the void. And I was like, Hmm, you know what? My space would look good with a TV. I should get one.

Then I put it off for a few days and then I was like, no, I'm going to do it. So I like went online to just have like a perusal, like a first glance at TV prices. And I went on Argos and I found one.

It was reasonably priced, reasonable size. And I was like, this looks great. And so I click on it and I see it's a three hour delivery time. What other medium has three hours to it? Like that is so viciously unnecessary. Like why would I need this TV within three hours? What is that urgent? Who is looking, like who is buying a TV and needing it within the same three hour time slot? But just the fact that I could have it within three hours,

brilliant marketing from Argos because I was like well if I I was fully going to close this tab and like maybe order it in like a week or like just dwell on it for ages but now that I've seen I can have it by tonight absolutely I'm ordering I'm ordering on the fucking spot I'm not even doing my research on the brand on the tv nothing I'm ordering it right now and so that's exactly what I did and three hours later there was a tv in my living room

I don't like sometimes Deliveroo takes longer than that. Like Uber Eats, that's Uber Eats timing sometimes like, and you got me a TV in three hours. Okay, I'm back. I actually have no idea what I was talking about because I just went to go poop. So I'm back now and I've completely forgot where I was. And also I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror while I was there. Very sorry. Really hope you're listening to just the audio right now because it's rough.

but I can't wait to show you guys my new flat. I'll do a whole like episode on it. If you give a fuck, you probably don't. But I, okay. The one thing I can't deal with is noise. Like I have lived, I lived four years in university housing and the noise drove me up a wall. Like I, cause like university houses aren't like well-structured. Like they're usually like terrible, terrible houses. And so you can hear everything. Like you can hear the people above you, the people below you, the people to the side of you.

And I remember I lived in one where the footsteps, it's like the ceiling exaggerated this girl's footsteps. They would shock me out my fucking sleep. Like, but to be fair, she would come home at like 4am stomping around, but like,

I did not sleep for like six months straight because the way I could hear every single like stomp and she would stomp for hours like it was weird like her room was not big enough to be walking around like that and she would like yell on the phone it was so annoying anyway I ended up moving out that house because it was I genuinely was gonna have a breakdown if I didn't like go somewhere quiet and then I was like a lodger in someone's house for a year and it was really they had like a little kid and we became really good friends still friends with another episode but um

So when I finally was like moving out on my own, I was like, it's really important to me that there is no noise. Like I can't do noise, but I've moved to London. Like that's literally not going to happen. So I moved to a top floor of a building. Like I specifically look for a flat on the top floor because I was like, I cannot deal with people's like footsteps above me. Like something is less for you infuriating if I can hear you below me, but when you're above me,

It drives me insane. So I'm paying like a little bit extra to be on the top floor, right? Like that's not as cheap as going on the bottom floor. I'm paying extra. I made sacrifices too. Like this is not my ideal flat, like, but it's on the top floor and it's just like the right thing for me. So I was like, I'm going to do it.

Tell me why it's like one of the loudest fucking places. Like the road is loud. My neighbor is loud. And then there is something loose on the roof that is like shaking in the wind. And it sounds like footsteps above my head. It's like, well, it sounds like someone's dropping balls. Like, cause it's like, it must be something smacking against it. It's really annoying. Sounds like someone's dropping loads of like footballs on the roof or something or tennis balls.

sickening stuff and then also like I don't know how I like my landlord he's a sweet guy and he is resolving the issues but like I moved in thinking this flat was in good nick and you just expect it to be I don't know like especially at the price point like you're renting in London I'm foolish like I am new to this like I did not know what was coming for me renting in London without being a millionaire like you actually have to be a millionaire to live even half well here and

So like moving, I'm like, yeah, like this is a relatively expensive place that I'm living. Or like for me, it's expensive. I'm stingy as fuck, by the way, like learn this about me now. I don't know if like people think that I keep my rundown car because it's like, I don't know. They think it's like an image thing. I just really refuse to buy a new car. Like I am not doing it. I don't care what people say. I'm not, I'm not like...

I don't take that car more than 10 minutes down the road ever. It just takes me to Starbucks and back. Like maybe Tesco's and back. Like I'm not, I don't need a new fucking car. Please stop. But like similar vibes with my flat. I was like, I don't want to pay loads of money. Like I'm not like I'm fucking buying it.

I've learned my lesson a little bit because nothing works. Not one thing works. Like every single drain is blocked to the point you can barely use the taps because you'll just create a flood. I put on my washing machine the other day and then the lady, I just spat. I put on my washing machine the other day and then the lady from the flat below me knocked on my door and she was like, hi, our ceiling is leaking. And I was like, right.

Okay, interesting. Good to know. And then I walked over to my washing machine and my floor was also flooded. So that's nice. And then the shower is completely unusable because it's either boiling hot, like,

You can't touch the water kind of hot or freezing cold. And when you twist the knob to try and get it in the middle, there's like a sound change. And you can hear that the hot water kicks in or the cold water kicks in. And the boiler does not happen at the same time. You know what I mean? What the fuck? I guess it's city girl living. I don't know. This is why people live in new builds without like, I get, I get it. I get it.

Oh, my friend sent me flowers. Do you want to see as a housewarming gift? I show you. Look at them. I was so excited. The first day I moved in. Yeah, my mom, my mom like left, like she helped me move in and she like went home and I was like, oh, I will buy myself. And then the door rang and it was just this girl with a bunch of flowers and like a card and a candle all in this bag. And I was like, oh, my God, that was very, very sweet.

So you know how I said that I have no furniture? I have no nothing. Like I don't have cutlery. I don't have plates. Well, I do now. But the first week that I was, well, okay, I've been here literally seven days on the dot today. But like I invited my friend over for dinner on like my second or third night here. I was like, cool new apartment. I'm living alone. Like I'm going to have my friends over. It's going to be so cool. Then they get here and I'm like, I have nothing to offer this person. Like I don't even have somewhere to really sit. Like,

What are we going to do? Stare out the window? Like, I genuinely have nothing. So I ordered a pizza and a pie. The juxtaposition of, like, the semi-nice... Okay, I'm going to stop saying semi. My flat is so fucking nice. It's, like, actually a flex. Like, there's... Okay, it's just... It's a very, like, average...

flat in terms of like space and shape but like there's big windows so it feels fancy you know what I mean and it is fancy for me it's fucking fancy I don't know I'm embarrassed to stand here I'm gonna go yeah I have a fancy flat and then I'm gonna show you guys and you're gonna be like oh babe but then I'm also like I'm gonna be one of those bitches that's like I have like a humble flat and then I show you and then something everyone's like oh my god it's not a humble flat you know what I mean so I'm like I don't know what to say but anyway it has big windows so in my opinion it's fancy and I'm like trying to pick the fucking corkscrew out and we're like stood in front of this

lovely view and he's like what the fuck like you don't like he was just laughing he was like you're living like a uni student in a lovely

one bedroom apartment in London. Like it made no sense. And I was like, oh my God, why am I living like I'm 18 again? Like this is how I lived when I moved to university. In fact, I lived better at university because my mom bought me plates and cutlery. But now that I'm financially independent, no one did that for me. Thus, I didn't do it for my fucking self. So I spent a whole week with nothing to eat off of.

Also, I'm actually terrified of living alone. That's just come to mind because I'm looking at these windows that I usually never look at. Look, I'm going to give you a spoiler of a part of the flat, okay? This part that I'm about to show you, if you're watching this, is like dead space. It's just like an empty room. The landlord was like, it used to be a bedroom, but I knocked the wall down to extend the kitchen. But it's not anything to do with the kitchen. It's just like a hallway. But it's like, I don't really know what to put there. I'm going to show you now.

Is that not the scariest shit? And those windows, I was like, what is behind them? And so I like looked one day because they're like blurred out. You can't see. So I was like, why are they blurred? Directly into someone's fucking window. And I was like, oh, and there's a little fire escape from their flat that like would lead directly to my windows. I have no idea who lives there. And it scares the living fucking shit out of me because I'm

I've never lived alone before ever in my life. And I'm like, what if someone wanted to kill me? Like they so easily could like my, I'm not going to encourage someone to do it, but like, there's no way you can't kick my front door down. Like you could like, you wouldn't even really need to kick it. You know what I mean?

I do have my dog and she's really protective. And like the other day we were asleep and I've been sleeping with her in my bed, which usually we don't do. She usually has to sleep in her own bed. But like I know she's been anxious because we moved house. So I've like been letting her sleep in my bed with me while she like adjusts and decompresses and whatnot.

So we're like in bed and it's like 4 a.m. and she wakes me up by like barking, like jumps out of bed, starts barking. And I'm like, what? Like my heart literally sunk into my fucking asshole. And I was like, oh my God, what? Because I know that she only barks if someone's at the door. Like she doesn't bark at other things. Like she can hear an ambulance go by. She can hear people on the street. Like she's not gonna bark. She only barks when she knows someone's at the door because she knows that means they're coming in.

I was like, oh my God, I felt fucking sick. And then she just stood at the door out of my living room, which I'd closed and like stopped barking immediately. Like she had figured out like no one is there. And so she just gave up.

but I was like I am so fucking glad I have you because bless her heart she's not killing anyone like she she's a like literally not like she's this high off the ground that's generous actually she's a French bulldog but like she can at least alert me and then I can fight for both of us you know what I mean because like I'm a I'm gonna sleep through an intruder alert 100% like

She can be like oh bitch there's someone here get the fuck up and then I can be like oh thanks queen let's get the fuck out and then I've already planned my escape route I do this everywhere that I stay my escape route is out my balcony and then I will just jump basically onto the street from seven or eight floors up.

I would rather break my whole spine than stay in a flat with an intruder. Oh my god, I'm like scaring myself by talking about it. I put security cameras in already because I... The idea of coming back to my flat that is empty and not knowing if someone has come in in the time I've been away and they're just like waiting for me. Like, I could not function if that was a possibility.

So I've put in cameras and they, they, I've actually gone for multiple different security brands so that if there's like a hacker in the main frame and they get, you know, into one of my cameras and stop it from sending me alerts, I have backup. The windows just made a noise and I think it's just the wind, but I genuinely nearly just vomited everywhere. And my dog even woke up to that noise.

I might have to get like a Doberman or I might have to do something crazy. Maybe like a Carnacorso. I don't really have the space for one, but I don't fucking care. Like I'm actually terrified. And talking about it is not making it easier for me. So I'm going to end this podcast and then I'm going to turn all the lights on in my entire flat. And I'm going to watch TikTok and pretend that I didn't just think about the fact that someone could come in here and kill me. My dog hasn't laid back down yet, which makes me think she's still hearing things outside and I don't like it. Did I lock my doors?

Okay, I'm going to go. Terrified. I'm genuinely, I'm not finding this funny. I'm actually going to go. This is horrible. Right. Love you so much. See you on next week's episode of Pretty Lonesome if I'm lucky enough to make it to them. I'm actually terrified. I hate when I talk about this because I scare myself. All right, be safe. Love you guys so much. I'll see you next Monday.